Eric Andre (Full Episode) | Conan O'Brien Needs A Friend

Hi, my name is Eric Andre. And I feel. like sandpaper. >> [laughter]. >> Ask [clears throat] Conan O'Brien's. friend. >> How do you sandpaper? >> I don't know. I realized last time I. said moist, so I was about to say moist. again and then I I was like, "No, you. already did that joke." And then I was. like, "What's the opposite of moist?". >> [music].

>> Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien. Needs a Friend. I am joined by Sona. Movsesian. Hey Sona. >> Hi. >> Matt Gourley, how are you, sir? >> I'm good, thanks. >> Um I'm going to attempt something that. has very low odds of working. >> Yeah. >> And I'll explain why. I thought, "Hey, maybe we should talk about World Cup.". Um it's a huge thing, massive, biggest. sporting event in the world. It's uh. involves 48 countries. It's being hosted. by Canada, Mexico, USA. But here's the problem.

I don't think anyone here in this. podcast right now, I'm just the three of. us, really cares about the World Cup. >> That's not true. >> It is true. >> It's not true. >> I don't think you care at all. >> I'm sorry, it's the only sports I ever. watch every four years. I really enjoy. them. >> The only sports I ever watch? >> I know, yeah. You're not selling it. >> I'm not You guys know that I don't care. about sports. >> love it, too, cuz soccer players are. hot. They're really attractive. >> That's why I watch. >> with your boys, you go, "I'd do that. guy.". >> Yeah, and I high five him and like, "Right, boys?" You He can be your dad. >> Yeah. >> Bye-bye.

>> Oh my god, you guys want a brother? >> [laughter]. >> That's just Come on, man. Clean it up, Sona. >> I love tact, too. I don't want. >> Too, no, too. [laughter]. >> That's nice. My heart also has warmth for the father. of my children. [laughter]. >> Uh. okay, I shouldn't say that, but I'll say. is I wouldn't say the three of us are. well versed in talking about World Cup. And we are recording this. um I think three weeks ahead of time so. we don't know.

where in the world cup. certain teams will be who will be. eliminated what's going on so we're. really attempting something that I think. is difficult on maybe seven different. levels. >> Yeah. >> And um. >> Do you say several or seven? >> He mixed both. On seven different. levels. Yeah, well sorry. >> Sorry I didn't let it slide. >> I'm sorry. I have a hard. >> I was [laughter] going to let it go. >> No no but I have a hard time when I talk. about. the sports of soccer. >> [laughter]. >> Oh that's right. You didn't let that go.

you. Yeah, hit him. Hit him hard. >> So what I'm going to do is I'm going to. ask Eduardo to really help us out here. because Eduardo this this is something. that's very near and dear to your heart. You need to supply the passion here. >> Okay. >> You need to supply the passion cuz I'm. not going to get it from anywhere else. on this table. >> All right. >> So let's talk about it. We're a couple. of weeks in. What do you think has. happened by this point? Who's been. eliminated? >> man. >> Come on. >> All right. So I'll tell you that going. into this is the top five countries. predicted to compete for the final is. Argentina, Spain, France, Portugal.

and maybe Germany or England. Give or take one of them. So the same as. it almost always is without Brazil. >> So where are the Dutch? >> The Dutch are actually considered a dark. horse in this tournament. >> Yeah that's what I thought. >> No no I did know that the Dutch and it's. funny cuz when you think someone saying. where are the Dutch you'd be like oh. he's making a joke. No I'm not. They. they're very good. >> Yes. >> And they could come out of nowhere. Wouldn't that be fantastic if the Dutch. were still in play? >> surprised if they're making a deep run. So so if we're looking into our crystal.

ball that's a good prediction. >> And if you're listening right now and. the Dutch are out of it that's on. Eduardo. >> Okay. >> I believe [laughter] you. >> Sure. I'll take that one. >> Okay so go ahead. Tell us more. >> Yeah it's being hosted by three. different countries all North American. >> What does that mean when they say. hosting [snorts] it? Yes that's where the actual events are. taking place but does it do they also. have to you know know, you hear host. sometimes you think they have to supply. food, uh drinks, that kind of thing. >> the Olympics, man. >> hosting it for game night. >> I know, I'm [clears throat] just trying. to do a new thing where when you host, you really should be a host.

>> Oh. You shouldn't charge for food and. drink. >> should be a ambiance and music. >> be music. You should uh it's just an. idea I had. >> Awkward banter in the beginning. >> Yeah, exactly. And then people should. say, "Hey, knock it off." if it goes. after 10. >> [laughter]. >> Um. >> Every spectator has to send a thank you. note. Yes. >> about. >> Thank you notes are huge. >> Speaking of after 10, the cool thing. about this one for us that live here in. the States or North America, the times. are like reasonable times for us to. watch. >> So, I don't have to go to a pub at 3:00. in the morning to watch Croatia uh play.

against Orlando. >> Correct. There'll be games starting at. noon, and the last game will be like at. 7:00 at night. So. >> Yeah. Cool find. >> Uh yeah, it's a full days of soccer. >> Uh let me ask you something. And And. this is something cuz I'm a patriot. Uh. America's getting better. Aren't we. getting better? It's It's I know it's a. long road, but what does America have to. do to really be competitive in world. soccer? That's a good question, I think. >> It's a great question. They have taken a. lot of steps forward and a couple small. steps back. So, this one.

it's a crap shoot. USA, some of us. wouldn't be surprised if they're still. in it at this time in 3 weeks. Some of. us wouldn't be surprised if they're. actually winning. >> you fall on Twitter? What do you think? >> I I'd be surprised if they're still in. it at this point in 3 weeks. That's not. to say that they're not good. I I just. >> Is it one of those things where it's. just it's. we didn't. um In other countries, it's just such a. part of the culture, and it's not as. much here. And maybe you Is this a graph. that's never going to completely take? Meaning, will we ever be really.

competitive with Argentina, with uh. Spain, some of these other countries? >> think we will get there. I think it's. just taking a lot longer. I think we're. competing as like the fourth major. sport, well, now fourth major sport. At. one point, it was like the fifth or. sixth major sport in this country. It's slowly turning with the help of. that. >> has slowed us down. >> I agree. >> I think the the excitement around. pickleball excitement around pickleball. I think we were starting to gain and. then everybody who was really starting. to get interested in soccer or as course. other say football. Um they pickleball.

came around and now I think it's that. has added another 100 years. >> I agree. >> We should ban pickleball. >> There's a lot of overlap. >> like that it competes. >> going to win a game? >> I hope so. Also what's that game. >> on your iPhone you put uh. >> Heads up. >> Heads up. I think heads up I think heads. up put us back another 100 years. >> I think Settlers of Catan as well. >> I think what's that? >> Settlers of Catan. >> What is that? >> It's this famous board game that. everybody played for like 10 years. >> there's like bartering.

Wheats and textiles. >> Oh I love it when people come over and. we have some wine and then we all start. bartering. I probably would. I probably. would. I shouldn't be I I shouldn't be. negative about it but I do think that. heads up. >> Yeah. >> Um something of Catan. >> [laughter]. >> Wait, you can get Catan but not. Settlers? Remember the hard one. >> I thought it was Chris Kattan. I thought. um. >> And pickleball. >> And then pickleball I think those things. have probably destroyed our chances of. being competitive in what I call.

football and what you would all call. soccer. Um [laughter]. Uh yeah I just I I'm Uh but anyway. that's what's happening. >> Yeah. >> I resolve almost every year to pick a. team and really get involved and really. follow soccer. >> So who are you going to pick? >> Yeah who's who's your pick? >> You got to go with the Dutch now. >> Uh I don't have to go with the Dutch. >> What was that figure of speech? >> That is true and and I think a. worthwhile figure of speech to be honest. with you. >> Do you know any soccer players?

>> Do I know them? >> Like in person I'm very good friends. >> I don't know the sport very well but I'm. very good friends with most of the. players. >> [laughter]. >> Messi Messi was at my house like 3 weeks. ago. >> Okay. >> He was. >> No. >> He comes by a lot. >> are not hanging out. >> What are you talking about? Why would. you find that hard to believe? He loves. my house and he always wants to go over. to Sandler's house and I'm like, "What. do you need Sandler for? I'm here." And. he's like, "Sandler much more famous. than you." I said, "Why are you talking. in that stilted way?" Um [laughter]. and he said, >> to do an Argentinian accent? >> Yeah, and he said, "Yeah, you know so. little about me. You do stilted accent.".

That's what he said. [laughter]. This is all true. He said, "Your impression of me belies. the fact that we are not friends and you. don't know me in real life." That's what. he said to me. >> [laughter]. >> And then I said, "Belies the fact? Why. are you speaking in broken English and. then saying belies the fact?" And he. said, "This is a terrible riff. Don't do. it on the podcast.". >> No, I'm going to do it several times. >> Yeah, I'm going to do it several. >> [laughter]. >> Okay, and that's funny. That's funny. >> That's when you misspoke, remember? >> I don't remember. I don't remember. It's. so seldom. It rarely happens at all.

It rarely [laughter] happens at all. Like that happened. >> He's dying right in front of us. >> Let's ask you a question. >> Sure. This is really dark, but let's say. something were to happen to me that was. a medical event and then later on that a. doctor said, "Didn't you hear it in the. podcast? The degeneration of his neuromuscular. ability to speak.". >> darker? You've asked this question. BEFORE. >> I KNOW. [laughter]. BUT AREN'T YOU GUYS GOING TO I KNOW THAT. I'VE ASKED IT BEFORE, but I'm begging.

you guys to please pay attention. >> Oh, no. >> misspeak, don't giggle. Say, "Are you. okay, Conan?". >> We're trying to move it along. Get let. it happen. >> Yeah, get me to the grave a little. faster. And you can all do your pity episode. "Oh, we're so sorry about Conan.". Ka-ching. >> It's going to be a Thursday episode. >> [laughter]. >> Oh, on a Thursday we talk about Conan's. passing. Oh my god, that would be great. >> [laughter]. >> And then stick around. We're getting. together the cast of Facts of Life. Oh, that'd be cool. >> Can you name them all?

>> Can I name them all? >> Yeah. >> Tootie, Jo. >> real names, you. rookie. >> What? [laughter]. I want to hear the real I want to hear. their show names. >> Tootie, Jo, Blair, >> Mhm. God, this show meant a lot to you. >> It did, and but I do know the theme. >> Natalie. >> Natalie. >> Walking in here I went today I I wonder. I'm not kidding you. >> Stop. >> I went I was singing Facts of Life and I. I wonder if that'll come up on the show. today. I am not joking. >> I'm not saying I'm psychic. I'm saying. I'm close. >> What?

>> Were you watching it recently? >> No, it just came to my head. >> God. >> Say something a lot of our listeners. think this thing is so well crafted they. must write it ahead of time and really. work out the architecture of it, and I. want to say that um I think this podcast. episode proves that that is not the. case. >> screwed. >> Because. >> team. >> we [laughter]. >> We are. >> You know, cuz we were just talking about. >> soccer. >> the Facts of Life. >> And then it's Facts of Life, and then. you're singing the song. >> the good, you take the bad, you take.

them both, and there you have the Facts. of Life. >> The Facts of Life. >> You take the good, you take the bad, and. then what? >> You take them all, and then you have. >> You take the good, you take the bad, you. take. >> them all? >> No, wait. You said it. You take it all. You take the good, you take the bad, you. And there you have the Facts of Life. >> you have I said yeah. >> What in the world never. >> Those lyrics don't make any sense. >> do you believe in. >> That lyrics doesn't. >> Don't act like you don't know this. >> no, but what I'm saying is I don't know. this song. >> take the good, you take the bad, you. take them both, and there you have. >> Oh, you take them both? Oh, that's.

right. That makes more sense. grammatically. >> makes sense as lyrics. You know what. song did make sense? Charles was in. Charge. >> Okay. >> Charles in charge of our days and our. nights. Charles in charge of our wrongs. and our rights. >> That doesn't make sense. >> make sense either. >> No, why is why is the nanny in charge of. your days and your nights? >> like your moral compass of your wrongs. and your rights. That. >> It's too much responsibility for him. >> Anyway, that's our World CUP WRAP-UP. >> [laughter]. >> YES.

>> ALL RIGHT, MY GUEST today is a hilarious. comedian and host. >> Oh my god. >> of The Eric Andre Show on Adult Swim. What a mess. Now you can see him in the. new. >> people come for and this is what. [laughter] we promise and this is what. we deliver and I don't regret it. >> Now you can see Eric, our good friend, in the new Netflix movie A Little. Brother, a movie he made with Mr. John. Cena. >> I will also say this is appropriate for. this interview. >> It really is cuz it's all The wheels. have come off this trolley many times. I. always love uh when Eric stops by. Eric.

Andre, welcome. Here's why I love having you on the. podcast. You are a cartoon character. You're not. a real person and I am a cartoon. character. I'm not a real person and. when we're together, I'm just happy. Because. >> And the rest of America's annoyed. >> Annoyed [laughter]. and miserable at the shenanigans. But. you don't live in the real world. And. whenever I you just don't. You just.

>> you think I stand out? >> You are. uh you're an insane cartoon character. You bounce off walls. You crash through. ceilings to the delight of everyone. >> Well, my comedy hero is Gonzo from The. Muppet Show. I had this VHS tape growing up. It was. called. it was a clips episode of The Muppet. Show that Gonzo hosted in a Hugh Hefner. >> [laughter]. >> vest and his wife was that chicken. Remember he had a chicken for a wife? And he he hosted this thing. It was.

called like The Weirdest Sketches on It. wasn't called The Weirdest Sketches on. The Muppet Show, but it was like The. Weirdest Parts of The Muppet Show. It. had a more elegant title than the one. I'm saying. And it was just a clip show. and he was like Dick Clark / Hugh Hefner. and he intro'd all the weirdest clips. from The Muppet Show and I would watch. that VHS like over and over. Formative. Forma I haven't thought about that. I. don't know. >> it was uh Warner Brothers cartoons, but. I always thought, well, that's the form. of comedy is people getting stretched.

out, elongated, people looking to camera. and going, and then falling. >> Yeah. >> And I do think that if I had to, if I. stepped off a cliff. uh accidentally, I could. >> [snorts]. >> defy gravity for a second or two just to. look to a camera. >> Yeah, yeah. >> Before I fell. >> Make one joke. >> Yeah, and then I would walk away like an. accordion. Those are the I just willed. myself to be. >> [laughter]. >> The reality is you would have a horrible. >> and painful death. >> Yes. >> There's no comedic value.

>> Yes, Eric, I would, [laughter] but the. coroner would say, "Oh my god, we just looked at the x-rays of his. body. It's a it's a accordion.". >> [laughter]. >> You know, and then they would they would. push on each side of my body and go like. >> Yeah. Weird Al Yankovic would be like, "Conan, Conan, Conan, Conan, [laughter] Conan, Conan.". >> So, uh. for all those reasons I'm delighted. you're here. >> I I I don't want to I don't want to. leave. >> You had to probably remove me last time. >> I did. >> my favorite podcast. You're You're one. of my favorite human beings.

>> Oh, that's so nice. >> When I look in. >> Then why the Why the angry mail all the. time from you? >> Uh well, >> [laughter]. >> I hope you die. And then you sign your. name. >> Yours truly, Eric Andre. >> [laughter]. >> Why do you write those to me? And your. return address is on them. >> And they're filled with anthrax. >> [laughter]. >> Oh, that's what that is. >> Yeah, I'm a hot mess. I'm cold. You. know, celebrities, they're. >> [laughter]. >> we're not well. Um. I'm not a celebrity. I still drive an. Uber. But um.

>> [laughter]. >> Wait, as a passenger or as a. >> No, as a as a driver. As a It wasn't a. good joke. >> You know, can I. say something? >> [laughter]. >> There's a There's a. >> You would be the best. >> tombstone on my molar. >> Here lies Uber joke. You'd be a great. Uber driver or a terrible one who. wouldn't stop talking, but I would love. it if you picked me up in an Uber. That. would be so much fun. >> All right, what do you do when they. start chatting you up or back in the day. yellow cabs when you're in New York City. when they start chat chatting you up? >> to sound weird to people. What would you. would you would you lean in and chat or.

would you just be like. >> I think they want him to stop chatting. >> No, no, this is this is what's weird. This is what's weird and I hope this. doesn't put people off with me. But when. I call an Uber, I did I bought one of. those Plexiglas separators. And I have it. It's heavy. >> [laughter]. >> And I carry it with me and I call an. Uber when I get in, I quickly [laughter]. attach it. >> Oh god. >> You have one for each make and model of. these cars? >> I [laughter] say I look up which car. they're going to be they're like, oh, it's going to be a Toyota 4 by 4 and I.

go like I I know which one is for the. Toyota 4 by 4. I know which one is for, you know, I mean literally every kind of. SUV. >> is like a Plexiglas factory. >> And I quickly shout to my son and this. is he I won't let him go to college. So. he just is the guy that he is my caddy. for Plexiglas [laughter]. separators. And I'll just say things. like it's a you know, it's a it's a it's. a Subaru Outback AND HE'S LIKE GOT IT. What year? And I'll go 98 and then he. rushes in. >> [laughter]. >> So that's kind of a dick move and they.

always get very like what the and. I'm like shut up. I don't want to talk. to you. I'm putting my and then I. actually drill into their seats and they. DON'T LIKE THAT. >> [laughter]. >> SO SHE WAS SHE NO TALKY WALKY. >> Now what do you do because I would. imagine. >> we're probably similar spirits that you. like to talk to people. You like talking. to anyone. >> Not in not in the not in the. uh. not in the cab, not in the Uber. Well,

it depends on the it depends on my mood. Sometimes I'm. catching up on work and I'm locked in or. and I got my laptop on my lap or my or. I'm I'm doing work on the phone. Um. >> What are you building a rocket? What are. you. >> [laughter]. >> What. I'm locked in. I'm getting the specs for. re-entry. You got to get just the right. >> What the HELL ARE YOU LOCKED in on? >> I'm writing. I'm trying to write jokes. [laughter] I'm trying to write ideas. >> Okay. You've worked in this business.

>> Really? I have never sat down and. written a joke. I just go. >> [laughter]. >> YOU WROTE ON LEGACY SHOWS. >> I DID. >> [laughter]. >> I DID. But I was never I had to my In my. defense, I did, but I was never locked. in. >> [laughter]. >> No, I get it. I get it. I'm just giving. you cuz I love that's it's fun. You. know, we're all good guys. We're all. good guys hanging out and I'm giving you. >> You're harassing me. >> I'm harassing you. >> I'm harassing you. >> You're constantly harassing me. You show. up at my house. I don't know how you got. my address. I think you looked through. the [laughter] paperwork. I look at the.

return address on your hate mail. >> But yeah, so I could see that you. cuz you want to do your thing. It's. funny cuz the last time I saw you. I was doing a club here in LA and you. were about to go on. >> my. um. I'm not going to say ginger, you get. that too often. I have my redhead friend. from Australia, very funny comedic. actor, Rhys Mitchell. And instantly you guys locked eyes and. you went over to him and you went when's. the last time you got your skin checked?

And you guys talked about. >> Back in. >> that for like 30 minutes and then you. went up and you were like, I got to get. ready for the Oscars. >> [laughter]. >> I did that. It was a match made. They. saw each other. >> And it was like they were instant best. friends and they just talked about. >> [laughter]. >> skin health. >> And you kept trying to talk. >> widows do when they've lost a husband or. something. That's. >> That's right. That's right. >> [laughter]. >> How are you managing? I'm getting by. >> And instantly, there was no hesitation.

He like you looked into Rhys's eyes and. you just went right in and you would you. gave him like a dermatologist number. And you guys were and it was like he. didn't. >> I had him take off his shirt. >> [laughter]. >> And I did a very close exam with those. special glasses and that special light. >> [laughter]. >> And uh I did not like what I saw. Um yeah, but it's funny how. >> You didn't let me answer. Rude, by the way. >> [laughter]. >> What how I am in an Uber. And I. am very rude in [laughter] an Uber.

No, I I I don't usually like to talk. Well, I like to talk if the person's. interesting, but. it's a crapshoot. So, the risk I do a. risk assessment. >> Yeah. >> And sometimes the person knows when to. stop talking and start talking, and. sometimes they're interesting in stuff. you're interested in. Sometimes it's a. crazy person. >> Yeah. >> So, you do a little bit of risk. assessment. So, I don't because I don't. want that like, you know, 3% of them. that are batshit crazy. There was a guy,

as soon as I get in gotten his car, within 10 seconds he's like, "I love fentanyl, man. That's my. problem." And I go, I go, "Well, uh yeah, I'm I'm listening to to to some. tunes in my You see my headphone?" I was. like, "That's I'm sorry, that's. horrible." And he's like, [snorts] "God, I just quit though. I just quit." I go, "Oh, when?" Couple days ago. And he's. pulling up to my house. So, I'm like, "Great, now this guy [laughter] has my. home address." And I'm like, "This is an. office. It looks like a house that I.

live in. It's an office. I'm going to work at the. end [laughter] of the day. It's kind of a weird job, and I can't. tell you anything about it cuz. >> [laughter]. >> I don't like to I need you're my first. affirmation.". And he was telling me, he's like, "The. patches are better than shooting it up, but shooting it up with the patch uh But. I'm through with that man." And I. was like, >> Also, he's been driving you. >> Yeah. >> He has been in charge of whether you. live or die. >> Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So, I uh. I'm I'm plagued by that that Uber. driver, and my heart goes out to his his.

uh afflictions, but uh I was trapped. And And we were in like the thick of. traffic. Like we were in West Hollywood. at like 5:00 p.m. So, it was like the. slowest What would take like 20 minutes. to get back to my house took like an. hour and a half, you know? And it was It. was the longest afternoon of my life. >> Oh my god. >> Yeah, it was rough. >> I always say this, if the driver's been. weird and they pull up to my house, I. always say, "It's been nice. talking to you. By the way, we're. selling [clears throat] my house. tonight.".

>> [laughter]. >> To Eric Andre. >> This is where he lives. Eric Andre. >> Um [laughter]. who By the way, loves visitors. And uh. >> He has a stash of fentanyl. >> [laughter]. >> Keeps Keeps Keeps vintage fentanyl. >> He keeps his fentanyl right by his loose. cash. >> [laughter]. >> He's got the loose cash room and the. fentanyl room. And a bedroom. That's it. There ain't. even [laughter] a kitchen in there. Anyway. Oh, well. >> Yeah, I always say to people when they.

pick me up from my house or if it's a. guy that Like the Amazon guy recognized. me or the UPS guy, I go, uh I just go, "Yeah, I'm Airbnbing this place. Pretty. trippy, huh? Anyway.". >> Yeah. >> Think about the address. >> Why is there a mural of you ON THE. GARAGE? >> [laughter]. >> OH, THAT'S WHY I AIRBNB. >> YEAH. >> To do a self-portrait on the garage. >> [laughter]. >> Yeah. Um. the uh. >> Is this what you want to talk about? We. are so ADD. I don't think we ever make a.

single point. >> I looked away from you for a second and. I forgot who the guest was. >> [laughter]. >> And then I And then I And then I And. then. >> And the good news is I then I looked. [laughter] over at you and I was happy. that you're here. So, it's nice to see. you, by the way. >> The World Cup is all about what's next. The future of the sport, the player. nobody saw coming who suddenly becomes a. star. >> Mhm. >> Hyundai, official partner of the 2026. FIFA World Cup, believes the next starts. now. Now, personally, I don't know. what's next for me. I hope that I become.

the. inventor of some amazing piece of tech. >> Oh, boy. >> yeah, it explodes and I become this. legendary tech. CEO giant. >> Okay. >> But I'm just waiting around for that to. happen. But for Hyundai, they're not. waiting for the future to arrive. They're building it now. >> Nice. >> With innovative vehicles, advanced. technology, and by helping support the. next generation of soccer stars. Or as. many people say, football.

>> [laughter]. >> Yeah. >> From cars to robotics, they didn't come. to the 2026 FIFA World Cup to play. around. Instead, they're looking ahead, growing, evolving. Eduardo, you're. following it very closely. Who are you. rooting for? >> USA, baby. I'm very excited. They uh. >> USA has has been doing well so far. >> Amazingly well, yes. >> And you know, it There was a time there. where people thought America's never. going to really participate successfully. in this sport, but it's happening. >> Yeah, I was one of the doubters maybe at. the beginning of this tournament. >> never really rooted for our country.

>> [laughter]. >> But some of us do, and some of us. believe. Uh all this stuff I just said. is pretty crazy and stupid. >> Yeah. >> The point is Hyundai. The future of. football and Hyundai isn't coming, it's. already here. Isn't that incredible? Hyundai, official partner of the 2026. FIFA World Cup. I'm curious if because. you have. such I want to talk about this, too. You. have such a serious music background. I. mean, I was reading up on you. >> Boring.

>> [laughter]. >> Sorry. Sorry. >> You So far you've shouted two things at. me. >> Rude. [laughter]. >> And boring. >> Sorry. >> No, but. >> I can't help myself. >> You just. >> It's very hard to be like bring it back. to serious. >> Well, this isn't going to stay serious. long. >> Yeah, yeah, yeah. >> But I love that you just dropped an. album. Uh and it's called film scores for films. that don't exist. It's a classical. album. You wrote film scores for movies. that aren't real. >> Yeah. >> And I was listening to it today. A bunch.

of us were listening to it, and it's. legit. It's really good. >> Thank you. >> It's really good. >> by that. Thank you. >> And um and then I was like, "Well, wait. I know that you played jazz bass, and. you're serious. You like studied at. Berkeley School of Music, but I didn't. realize when you were a little kid and. you you started playing tuba when you. were really young.". >> Yeah, I played piano at five, tuba in. sixth grade, and cello and bass in high. school. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> And then so this is just something that. was in you. Like I. >> I went to I went to school in Boston. I.

went to Berkeley College of Jazz, daddy-o, and I played [laughter] the. I played the Seinfeld theme over and. over again for 4 years. Yeah, and I I. flicked a. dime under a lamp post [laughter] and. >> That was the course. >> [laughter]. >> I shot a apple off my wife's head or. whatever William S. Burroughs did. Do. you know about that? >> And he killed her, right? >> Yeah, but he. >> What? >> He killed his wife, and then when the.

cops come, he goes, "We were playing. William Tell, the game where you shoot a. apple off the head." It was more of like. uh I think he was like. the. laziest excuse for homicide. I'm sorry I. made your podcast so dark. I know you. don't go. >> This is what [laughter] people people. love true crime podcasts. So we're going. to become one briefly. But that's what I. always heard is the police show up, and. he went, "We were playing" and his. wife's lying there with a bullet in her. head, and he's like, "We were playing. William Tell.". And I tried to shoot an apple off her. head. Didn't work out, but she can't.

arrest me. >> Yeah, and the cops are like, "That's. legally like I [laughter] mean, that's. solid.". >> I'm sorry we bothered you. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> So wait. So he essentially killed her. and then went to the refrigerator, got. an apple, and placed it by her head, and. he just said I ate the apple. >> Oh, yeah. >> wasn't even an apple there? >> I don't know. All of us are talking. about the same thing, and guess what? >> WHAT KIND OF TRUE CRIME PODCAST is this? >> This is the best kind where people just. shoot off their mouths about a crime. that maybe didn't [laughter] even. happen. And I'm going to right now say. Eric doesn't know what the he's. talking about. I don't know what I'm.

talking about. We both just kind of. heard this thing. I yes I did. >> self-conscious cuz I was about to make. the same jazz jokes that I made on your. podcast last time. So I was like, what's. another beatnik that I haven't covered? William S. Burroughs. And then I heard. your audience. everyone's butthole dried out at that. >> Every. >> That moment was interesting and Adam. >> They were all moist until that Can we. say that on your podcast? >> holes are moist. >> You puritan. >> Adam Sachs. >> [laughter]. >> will confirm this. No one's ever.

listened to more than one of these. podcasts. We [laughter] have a huge huge. number of people, but we're just working. our way through Earth's population. >> [laughter]. >> But no one's ever after listening to one. listened to another. >> Wow. >> It's a very very strange way of getting. annoyed. >> like a. >> [laughter]. >> Repeat your stories at will. >> We got a verdict on William S. Burroughs? >> Yeah, it really. >> It's dark. You're about to look up some. dark. Yeah, go ahead. >> In 1951 in Mexico City, William S. Burroughs shot and killed his wife. >> and said he was playing William Tell. >> And how did he get off then?

>> He didn't. He was convicted. >> Oh, oh, [laughter] he was? Oh, I thought. he I thought they were like, >> So did he go to prison for a long time? >> He was convicted of culpable homicide in. Mexico, but but served only 13 days in. jail before his brother. secured his release on bail. >> Well, murder your wife, do it in Mexico. >> Go on down to Mexico. >> Wow. >> later convicted in absentia, receiving a. two-year suspended sentence. >> That's good. >> It doesn't seem that bad for. killing your wife.

>> Yeah. >> I'm just going to say a message to all. murderers out there, keep that William. Tell thing in your back pocket. >> Keep an apple and [laughter] the William. Tell story in your back pocket. >> And maybe do it with an apple and an. arrow. >> You came into a bank, took all the. money, and and shot someone. >> IT WAS A WILLIAM TELL GAME. >> [laughter]. >> I BARELY I barely know what William Tell. is beyond a guy that shot an apple off. of somebody's head with an arrow. Beyond. that, I couldn't tell you. I couldn't tell you a single thing about. William Tell, what era.

>> I know he wrote an overture. That's it. >> There is an overture. >> Yeah. >> for William Tell. Was William Tell a. fictional character? You went to Harvard, smarty pants. You. tell us. Daddy Warbucks. >> [laughter]. >> That wouldn't be work if you're rich. I. meant like an egghead. >> Yeah. >> Einstein. >> There you go. Einstein's better. >> [laughter]. >> I'm off my game today, Conan. >> You are so off your game. You're just a. [laughter] big mess. Um and it's. delighting me. >> for the Knicks? Mr. Boston.

>> Yeah, [laughter] I am. You know why? You. know why? >> okay rooting for the Knicks right now? >> okay rooting for the Knicks because I. think it's a good thing for New York. I. spent a lot of time in New York. They. haven't had a title since '73. I'm very. happy for them. I really am. >> There are Celtics fans listening to you. right now. What a sellout. Piece of. human being. How dare he? That's my. Boston accent, by the way. >> [laughter]. >> What Celtics fan has ever committed. violence? Look it up. I don't think it's. happened. I think I'm on safe [laughter]. ground. >> Boston historically very safe sports.

fans. >> I'm happy for the Knicks. I am. >> No, you can't be. >> Yes, yeah I can be. You just know. there's like three guys in Dorchester. right now pissed at you. >> Yeah. >> There's a guy in Alewife right now. pulling his hair out like [laughter]. Conan, you're a Celtics fan and nothing. else. I can't do I can do a Braintree. accent, but uh not a Quincy or an. Alewife. >> Everett, Nashua? Can you do those? >> I can do Tewksbury and Andover, but I. can't do Worcester. >> Pretty good. >> UH WHEN IT COMES to Massachusetts, I. only do region by region. My accent.

work. >> [laughter]. >> I'm the Fred Armisen of Massachusetts. >> thought of something today that would be. funny and you'd have been good at this. too. This would be a great thing for. you, but I was convinced I should do. this. When we record this, I don't know. when this airs, but the the the Knicks. are up two games. Um they're looking for a sweep, possibly. They're headed back to Madison. Square Garden. It's just like a huge. thing. And all these, you know, hardcore. Knicks fans who've been there for years,

like Chalamet's hardcore Knicks fan, Ben. Stiller, Spike Lee has been in every. Knicks game since they created. basketball. >> [laughter]. >> And I thought it'd be really funny if I. dressed up in all this Knicks regalia. and somehow forced my way in and did one. of those things that some celebrities do. where they act like, "I've been a fan. all along." but they're just there for. the gravy. [laughter]. >> Yeah, yeah, yeah. >> And people I love ideas where people. would hate me so much. >> [laughter]. >> But somehow I get a decent ringside, like courtside seat. AND I'M LIKE,

"YEAH, [screaming] YEAH!" AND I KEEP. GOING OVER TO [laughter] CHALAMET AND. trying to high-five him and Stiller. And. I've just got Knicks goggles [laughter]. and a goofy foam hat and we're number. one. People would be so justifiably mad. And then then in in interviews I don't. know who any of THE PLAYERS ARE. I'M NOT EVEN SURE how the game is. played. [laughter]. >> HEY, THEY WERE SHOOTING AGAINST OUR. BASKET IN THE FIRST HALF. WHAT ARE YOU. OVER THERE FOR? >> AND WHEN DO THEY HIT A HOME RUN ALREADY? >> YEAH. >> [laughter]. >> And then I'm like, "GO KNICKS!

GO KNICKS!". WOULDN'T PEOPLE GET SO MAD? And if you were with. >> these tickets for free. F R E E FREE. >> [laughter]. >> I EVEN HAD THE MONEY AND THE fentanyl. patches. Hello. >> I called WME AND I SAID, "MAKE IT. HAPPEN. Get me in to see the Knicks. [laughter] win the World Series of. basketball.". Yeah, what a dick move. >> Yeah, yeah, yeah. >> I don't know. I'm Do you must be. fascinated by those things cuz that's. been. the making people.

>> been I've been I haven't told anybody. this. I've been photoshopping. fake injuries of Knicks players and. sending them to my friends who are. die-hard Knicks fans. So, I've been. photoshopping fake TMZ articles like. Brunson tore his ACL this morning with. today's date and texting them to my. friends who are die-hard Knicks fans. And they're like, "I swear to God, Eric. Like, your voodoo whatever you think is. funny right now, it is not funny. You. are not funny." And the more angry they. get, the more I'm I'm cranking out these.

fake photoshopped articles of injured uh. Knicks players right now. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. And I'm I'm losing I'm losing. friends. [laughter]. >> It's so bad. Yeah. But also just to like. I mean, yes, to say things like what. text people early in the morning. Why. was Brunson operating a wheat thresher. in the first place? >> Yeah, yeah, yeah. >> Wait, [laughter] what? I don't know. >> Why would they trade Josh Hart to the. Pistons now? >> [laughter]. >> Between game two and game three of the. finals? They're going to trade him?

Okay. Fair team. And my friends are pulling their their. hair out. >> of course they take everything with a I. tried it I mean, I think I do stuff like. that all the time where I'm just deadly. serious. And I can still convince you, Sona. >> I know. I fall for it. But you guys both. seem to like humor that only you think. is funny. [laughter]. >> Yeah, yeah. That's both Yeah, one-way. humor. I'd have Kevin Hart's bank account. hopefully if I. >> [laughter]. >> didn't um. have that affliction.

I forgot you got to do comedy for other. people. And then and then you make it a. money. >> I still don't see it that way. I'm still. a If you like this, you can have some. >> [laughter]. >> I like I'll I'll talk. >> And if YOU DON'T, GET OUT OF MY STORE. >> I'LL I'LL TALK TO ALI WONG and she's. like on a private jet on her way to play. like a soccer stadium in Qatar. And I'm. doing like the Chuckle Hut in Coyote. Bladder, Mississippi. Like. >> [laughter]. >> passing out flyers outside of the venue. And I'm like, "Man, I should probably. start writing jokes that um more than.

three people [laughter] like. >> Also, I I got some pretty good laughs. falling 15 ft. >> [laughter]. >> onto some spikes. And then there's a recovery time. By the. way, do you have lifelong injuries? >> No, no, no, no. I mean, you should bring. the Jackass guys in here. Those guys are. >> Yeah. >> very injured. Johnny Knoxville can even. like. >> Knoxville starts going through some of. his injuries, it actually makes my. stomach queasy. >> It's like. >> He's been here and I love the guy, but. he's I mean, he broke his penis. He.

broke it. >> And he had a catheter. >> Yeah. >> Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And his eyeball. fell out in that one movie and he had. like to slip it back in. >> [laughter]. >> They didn't even have a medic there. >> I had injuries and I used to brag about. them, but when I started hanging out. with those guys, I'm like, oh dear lord. It sounds like how they like England. would torture people in like the year. 1133. [laughter]. Like whenever you read about the Dark. Ages, YOU'RE LIKE, GOD DAMN, England. really hated people. So, how did you. >> Your tongue got torn out and then shoved. up your ass until it was [laughter] back.

where your tongue goes? >> Yeah. >> What stunt were you doing where that. [laughter] happened? >> England was England was being quite rude. for uh about say a thousand years. to their own people and all their. neighbors. >> Rude. >> [laughter]. >> Rude. >> Rude. To the French, to the Irish. They were being less than polite. >> Yeah. >> They were a little cranky for a couple. of thousand [laughter] years. Then they. got it out of their system. >> Yeah, yeah. Then they chilled. Then they. went to India.

and Africa and they chilled out. Then. they were cool. Then they were chill. [laughter]. Then they were chill. And Australia. They were quite rude to the world. >> Um. >> England. >> You made this up. >> England down a peg on this show. >> won't be silenced. >> [laughter]. >> You will be silenced. >> I'm pandering to your Irish whatever I. Irish you have in you. Because you could. be a little Scottish, too, right? >> There's no, I'm 100%. >> You're 100%. Yeah, I was trying to. pander to you and you didn't take the. bait. I was like, "England's sex, right? Huh? >> [laughter]. >> Cuz guess what?".

>> Hey, March 17th is coming up next year. Your favorite holiday, Conan. I'm setting it up for you. You Have you. ever seen me wear green on St. Patrick's. Day, Conan? >> Never. Never. >> I at least thought you would be like, "I. hate the British.". >> Because real Irish people don't like. Irish people. >> [laughter]. >> I always say, "Ah." Which is it's a. thing. We just don't. We hate everyone. equally. >> That's good. >> I think it's good. >> It's healthy. >> to ask you about I'm going to change the. subject and I'm going to do something. that's semi-professional, but don't hate. me for it. >> You You drew a naked picture of me and I.

feel very uncomfortable every time you. look down at it. >> You made a movie. [laughter]. You made a movie that's coming out. >> And it's There's Jeff Epstein's emails. at the bottom of your notes. >> [laughter]. >> J E E vacations@gmail. With my body drawn in. >> [laughter]. >> So, I can't. >> book a flight on his PLANE AND HE WON'T. GET BACK TO ME. >> [laughter]. >> HELLO? Uh you made a movie called Little. Brother. Very funny movie with you and. Mr. John Cena and you do a There's a lot.

of you uh it's very funny, but doing. very physical stuff. And I pray to God. you have a body double for these things. because. >> [laughter]. >> there's some truly cartoonish scenes. >> There's a There's. >> Please tell me there's someone who looks. a lot like you who's getting thrown into. a wall at 600 mph? >> This can neither be confirmed nor deny. I'm like Tom Cruise. I'm taking it to. the grave. >> Wow. [laughter]. >> And yes, of course, I paid a 25-year-old. Puerto Rican guy to.

>> [laughter]. >> fly through glass. I'm in my 40s now. I'm not you know. I I I injured myself. enough on my own show. I I need a little. help now. >> a little help. >> I need a little help. >> What I seem to remember is you made this. movie with John Cena and you guys are. very funny together, but I think John. Cena once seriously injured you, didn't. he? >> Poor John. So, he he. in reality, he did not. He did Yeah, he. we did a stunt that went awry. >> in 2000? I believe.

>> No, no, 2000. >> Yeah, I was kidding. >> [laughter]. >> I was trying to see how healthy you are. now. No, it was 2020 it was 2020. Was. this 2020? I think it was 2020. [laughter]. >> You're from the show Golden Girls, right? Blanche DuBois? >> [laughter]. >> I love your work. I love your podcast. >> I remember. >> Your questions are all over the. >> Kindness of [laughter]. Kindness of Strangers. Look, I'm just talking. >> a Blanche DuBois quality about you. I'm. just realizing now. >> I was very beautiful in my youth.

>> That's [laughter] what people They say. you're the Blanche DuBois of Randy old. woman. >> Now I'm a Randy old lady. and. I'm flitting [laughter] around. my New Orleans. >> It was Boca Raton, Florida, where the. show took place fictionally. >> street car? >> Yeah, we're doing street car. >> car? >> Yeah. >> I'm talking Golden [snorts] Girls. >> I was. >> Is it Is it DuBois or is it Devereaux? >> Devereaux. >> was Blanche Devereaux. >> On on Golden Girls? >> I WAS CORRECT.

>> BLANCHE DEVEREAUX. >> SO, I WAS RIGHT AND. >> YOU'RE VIVIAN LEIGH, RIGHT? The actress? >> Yeah. >> The fictional character is Blanche. DuBois? >> Yeah. >> My entire life up till this moment, I. thought Blanche DuBois was the redhead. on Golden Girls. >> I do get why. They both have French last. names. >> They're almost identical until the last. couple syllables. What is it? It's. Blanche Devereaux? >> This entire. >> Devereaux. >> This entire podcast. >> I was living in a broken joke for 5. [laughter] minutes and you did nothing.

to help me. >> podcast is one of the It's like seven. garden hoses that are hopelessly snarled. [laughter] together and one of them's. leaking and we're trying to untangle. them to figure out which one to turn off. the water, [laughter]. but we can't. And there's just water everywhere. >> We're still. >> in that jalopy with the triangle wheels. Like. >> We're a disaster. >> I really love how long he was talking. about The Golden Girls and how long he. was talking about A Streetcar Named. Desire. >> We were vibing, man. We had rizz. I don't know what that.

means, but we had rizz. >> You quoted it. >> I. have to say to be [laughter] I have to. come clean here. I just got off a plane very recently. from Morocco. My mind is. >> You have an excuse for everything. >> My mind [laughter] is not working. >> You know what? Yours isn't working. either and I don't think you have an. excuse. And together, [laughter]. we're just a big hot mess. And I'm And. I'm very happy. I don't care. >> Yeah. >> This is a This is a disaster. >> Why were you in Morocco? >> I do some business there.

>> Yeah, [laughter] you're you're smuggling. hash. >> I can neither confirm nor deny. I'm Tom. Cruise if he was smuggling hash. [laughter]. >> No, no. What did you ask me? >> I didn't travel with John Cena. >> [laughter]. >> You know, this is like a a cop. >> Oh, IT'S A TRAVEL SHOW. >> THIS IS LIKE A cop who pulls a guy over, but the cop and the guy are both drunk. >> [laughter]. >> Let's see your wallet. Wait, wait, wait. You have to step out of the airplane. It's a car. [laughter]. WAIT, WHAT?

>> WE'RE JUST two big messes interrogating. each other. I don't know who's in charge. here anymore. [laughter]. >> So fun. >> Oh, I didn't know Blanche DuBois wasn't. the one from The Golden Girls. I WATCHED. GOLDEN GIRLS WHEN I WAS YOUNG WITH MY. GRANDMA CUZ I lived in Boca Raton, Florida. >> I watched Golden Girls with. >> Desire with [laughter] my grandmother. over and over again. cuz I was very closeted. >> I JUST WANTED TO CLEAR THE AIR. >> [laughter]. >> This is what we do. >> That liquid has been here for. >> Ages. We don't know what that is. Is. that Guinness? >> This started Yeah, I'm having a Guinness. right now. That's my other problem.

Now see here. >> What did you What did you really ask? I. really I truly can't remember. >> I am going to say this very clearly. >> Let me tell you what's going on. >> John Cena in 2020. >> Oh, yeah, he He through Okay, so he. threw ME IS NOT MUCH OF A STORY. He. threw me through a shelf on the Eric. Andre show. I destroy the set every. time. And I found out he was a big fan. of the show. We had him come in. He grabs me. HE'S. LIKE, "AH!" HE GRABS ME, throws me. through a shelf. That part of the stunt. was fine. Our art department, we forgot. to sandbag down the shelf and it had a.

metal frame. And even beforehand, my. stunt coordinator was like, "That. thing's got a metal frame. You got to be. careful. I don't like that I don't like. that prop.". >> You said. >> I don't like that prop. I go, "Blah, blah, blah, blah, dude. >> [laughter]. >> I don't pay you anything, dog.". Now show me those abs, daddy. >> [laughter]. >> And then. >> [clears throat]. >> Cena threw me through the thing. He did. the stunt properly. I went through the. thing properly, but then the thing went. It went over. And it was the only season.

of. uh Eric Andre show I got rid of all my. body hair on purpose. I I picked my head. bald. I waxed my pubic hair that you. can't even see on TV. >> Alana Glazer goes, "You have to blur. your crotch. For Why did you wax your. pubes? That doesn't even translate." I. go, >> Oh, yeah, I don't know. I didn't think. about it. >> the things. These [laughter] are the things. professionals talk about. >> I have one question. Yes, Alana. Why did. you wax your pubes? That's a good point. >> [laughter]. >> So So I didn't have My hair works like.

like like antennas. Like I I know when. stuff's coming cuz I have a big hair. You have big hair. So I didn't feel it. coming and the thing went over and boom, gave me a big Fred Flintstone. and I got a concussion. I like got. dizzy. I was talking about things that. didn't make any sense. And I went to the. hospital [snorts] and got a CAT. [laughter] scan. >> And you immediately booked a podcast. >> Then I came here. >> [laughter]. >> That was 10 minutes before I showed up. >> Yes, it wasn't his fault. >> to Morocco ever. [laughter] I'm trying. to pitch a travel show right now. I.

pitched to the network you're on. And because of you, they go, "Oh, we. already have a travel show. And I go, "Conan stole my idea that I stole FROM. ANTHONY BOURDAIN.". >> [laughter]. >> TRUST ME. LISTEN, YOU CAN have my travel. show. I will give it to you. But you. still have to call it Conan O'Brien. [laughter] Must Go. But it's with you. and we don't even explain it to anybody. And you get all the money and the glory. and I just am like, "Yep." And people. are like, "What is that white? Why is it.

Conan O'Brien Must Go?". >> For 5 minutes you were my Newman. I was. like, "O'Brien! >> [laughter]. >> Always after me. Always nipping at my. heels." I'm eating canned beans by. candlelight. I'm like, >> [laughter]. >> I'm really having a I switched my SSRI. by 5 mg by like a. like this much. >> In which direction? >> I went I went up. I go, "Maybe I just go. up a little bit." And now my brain is. like,

>> [laughter]. >> So I called my psychiatrist today. I go, and I didn't I didn't have to take the. elevator up. I'm sweating. >> You should have I mean. >> I'm on like 55 peptides. >> [laughter]. >> I'm going to be ripped by the end of. this interview. I'm going to have pendulous breasts like. [laughter] Vivian Leigh in A Streetcar. Named Desire. >> Blanche DuBois like Vivian Leigh IN. GOLDEN [laughter] GIRLS. >> YOU GOT TO HAVE YOUR SSRIS BY THE END OF.

THIS. WHY DON'T WE do a little Russian. roulette? >> you can be on what I'm on. >> Yeah. >> I got on them I got on them pretty late. for a guy with my affliction. >> Yeah, [laughter] that's how I feel. I'm. like, "Why did I wait this long?". >> What do you think that is? Pride? >> I'm like, "Why did I wait so long?". >> Uh I know in my case it was just, "Nope. You don't take anything to make life. easier. If anything, you do things to. make life harder." So I hair shirted it. and I just was like, "Do you like hair shirt means you just. like I don't know. You're.

Yeah, you wear a hair shirt. I just I. collapsed it. >> I collapsed it. >> used to wear it to do like a pun-. self-punishment, right? >> Yes, it's a kind of putting on a hair. shirt. >> It's like Irish Catholic repression. It's like repress everything. >> self-anesthetized. Was it like that kind. of thing? >> Yeah. >> I like reducing you to a stereotype. That's what I'm trying to do. >> You you you are reducing me to a. stereotype, only it's exactly true. >> [laughter]. >> You're right, and I. >> Hey, Celtics, right? England bad, Celtics good. I keep pandering to you. >> live under a magical mushroom in the.

forest. [laughter]. Um. >> Pandering to you. >> Putting on a hair shirt is this is this. phrase, but basically I think that's. what I was doing was saying, "I don't. something that makes life a little. easier for you, that. It's supposed. to be hard." And I did that well. well past the age when I should have. been doing that, so. >> in your 90s now, so what what were you. talking about? >> like that. Okay. [laughter]. Yes. Did I fight in World War II? Yes. Was I. old then? Yeah. I went into the battle at 35 years old.

>> [laughter]. >> Um. >> for the Japanese. >> I fought for the Japanese cuz I said the. cars they make in 20 years are going to. be amazing. >> [laughter]. >> I should have done my homework. >> Anyway, another Guinness. >> So. >> Um you are. You're a big mess. >> [laughter]. >> But, watch this. >> climax several times. >> What's going on here? Shouldn't I just. >> [laughter]. >> Shouldn't I just. >> to throw garbage at me. >> No, she's throwing you some Kleenex so.

you can wipe the sweat from your brow. >> to slide it like a bartender, but it. >> No, no, look at you. You're a balloon. [laughter]. >> I just see giant And it's empty. Oh, no, there is one in there. Right. >> I was like, "Do you want me to throw. that out for you?" OR. >> [laughter]. >> YOU'RE JUST GIGGLING. >> BUDGETS ARE TIGHT. >> THAT IF I do that, I'll have patches of tissue all over my. head, which would be [laughter] worse. >> You made a movie with John Cena. It's. called Little Brother. You guys are. really funny together. >> Thank you. >> Uh and. >> trying to talk about it the whole time, but. >> [laughter]. >> you're all over the place.

We get it, dude. You went to Morocco. >> [laughter]. >> But now you're back in the USA, a. country with absolutely zero problems, baby. >> Hey! [laughter]. Don't you dare make political commentary. here. Don't you dare. >> I didn't say a word. USA, USA, >> [laughter]. >> USA. Do they got that in your. little Moroccan paradise? >> No, they don't. No, they don't. Thank. you. >> I chant USA to every foreign country I. go to. >> Oh, they must.

>> The whole time. >> And they like it? >> They love it. >> They love it. >> [laughter]. >> Tell me more of this USA. >> I wear a star-spangled I dress like. Uncle Sam. >> [laughter]. >> Star-spangled. top hat outfit. And I just. >> back to the beginning of the pod when I. talked about the. my the worst Halloween costume I ever. had. My mom, God bless her soul, but she. she said, "I'll take care of it." And. she got me an Uncle Sam costume. And it. was like 1970. height of Vietnam, 1973 [laughter].

and I'm. like [clears throat] I've got this man. and I'm and we've talked about it years. ago on the podcast, but yeah, we bought. it. >> Do you have an image of it? You got to. put a picture of. >> We did Yeah, we we did I think find one, yeah. >> Put a picture on on. Put a nude Put a nude image of yourself. [laughter] on the screen right now. >> I got to get some clicks. >> Let's see what you're working with. >> All right. Well, I think you'll be quite. pleased. >> [laughter]. >> That yours isn't like that. >> [laughter]. >> I want to see what you put your wife.

through. I'm going to say twice a year. >> Why? She's crying. [laughter]. >> [laughter]. >> Oh, you're so far off. >> We hit the big three. >> [laughter]. >> Sona, why you just laughing along? Why. can't you jump in and say that's not. true? He's very sensual.". >> And can you. >> Why would I say that? >> [laughter]. >> Just from what you've heard. >> Oh. >> You're supposed to have my back ON THESE.

THINGS. >> I think he's super sensual. >> Wait. Wait. Wait. Can we talk about my. movie, Conan? >> I don't want to. >> [laughter]. >> Dude, help me out, dog. >> You guys are funny together. >> I'm trying to plug the thing here. >> Why don't I do it cuz you're in no. state? You're [laughter] crashing. You. took the wrong pills. You need to get a real. >> mg of Zoloft, dude. I'm partying, dog. >> Isn't it funny in your 20s you're like. you're like texting your friends, "Get. me coke. Get me Molly. Get me. mushrooms." In your 40s you're like,

"Get me Propecia, Zoloft, >> [laughter]. >> Wellbutrin.". >> Something to moisten my gums. >> What? [laughter] Is that a thing? >> You bet it is. >> What? >> Uh. You make this movie. It's very funny. >> Thank you. >> Um and my curiosity is You guys must. have known beforehand that you you do. well together. I mean, clearly he had. been on the show. He had thrown you. through a bookcase, but. >> I love John Well, he Well, we're totally. opposite in the way we look, the way we.

behave, so I knew like instantly that's. a recipe for a good comedic duo. >> Yeah. >> And um I love his work ethic, and he's. got comedic chops. You look at him and. he's. >> giant lumberjack. It's like he should He. doesn't make sense. He He shouldn't. exist, but he does. He knows Mandarin. fluently. Do you know what this is? >> No. >> He plays virtuoso like piano like. concert piano. He's the most interesting. man in the world. And like he's just uh.

He's got comedy chops. It's not fair. >> No, it's not. >> you have to have comedy comedy jobs or. no one will talk to us. >> People cross the street. Very good. athlete. >> [laughter]. >> And a male model yeah. >> Yeah, but anyway, I know. >> I look like stuff I love against. >> Yeah. You [laughter] told me last time I. was on the pod, you told me you had gray. teeth growing up. That's what I That's. when [laughter] it clicked. Cuz you are. a handsome man, and you're tall. You're. tall, and you are a handsome man. But.

what As soon as you said you had gray. teeth, >> dead gray teeth in the front of my. mouth. >> I go, that's why he's a comedian. I was. like, "There are plenty of other. >> reasons I was a comedian. >> But the gray teeth, the they helped. >> those things as a child. >> People are surprised when I like I tell. them I meditate and I. do my homework and I got like straight. A's in school. They're like, "What?". >> Yeah. >> They think I dropped out of like fourth. grade and just like ate candy until like. now. >> [laughter]. >> They think I'm just like, "I eat a gummy. worm sandwich every morning.".

>> [laughter]. >> They think I go home and I'M JUST LIKE, >> [laughter]. [laughter]. >> WHICH, YES, I DO DO SOME OF THAT. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I'm talking about. >> Well, I know, except I really do those. things at home, and I don't meditate. So, I could use more. Eric, you know? >> to snort some Lexapro, dog?

>> [laughter]. >> Sure. Lexapro? I don't know. >> Oh. Which one are you on? I got I'm on a. new one. >> Oh, really? I'm just on straight Prozac. >> Oh, old school. >> Old school. I mean, it's Prozac and my. Prozac was developed in the '50s. >> Oh, you have vintage. You have like. artisanal Prozac. >> It says, "Use Doc Connors Prozac.". >> [laughter]. >> And. >> run out a lot. >> Yeah. More effort Prozac. >> Yeah, it says, "Goes well with. cigarettes.". >> [laughter]. >> Um. >> Yeah. I like. >> started, did the demons just go. and you were like, "Oh, I didn't have to.

live like that for that long?". >> It was annoying. >> [laughter]. >> What was that all about? But uh no, I. credit Andy Richter. Andy Richter's the. one that said, "You know, why don't you. get some. >> Take the help. >> Yeah, and and it doesn't change who you. are or anything. >> I thought it would. That's the other. thing. >> That's why I didn't do it. >> That's why I was holding up. I was like, I won't be comedic. >> Yes, that's what I thought. >> And and and clearly I'm right because. I'm I've been a mess this entire. podcast. No, but I was like it'll change. my personality. I don't want to be like. catatonic. I thought I was going to be. like.

Jack Nicholson when he gets electroshock. therapy in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's. Nest, just like like vegetabled. And I. was like, I can't that'll ruin me. But I. was um. I was That's I guess that's part of it. Anxiety. >> Yeah. >> Obsessive-compulsive thought loops. Depression. I'm really just bringing. this podcast down a lot. >> I think that's And I won't let you plug. the very movie I'm in. >> [laughter]. >> We're not plugging that anymore. We're now plugging Lexapro.

Eric Andre, you are what I want to be. when I grow up. You're just you're. you're just I so love being around you. Being super serious, >> Like what's that? >> I've always loved you. All the times you. came on my show, crashing through. things. And. you're just a force for good. So I'm. super happy for you. I'm happy you made. this mean and again, there's not just the movie, there's also. this this album that just tickles me. Film scores for films that don't exist. You're such a hyper-talented guy and. please come back and make even less.

sense next [laughter] time cuz these are. my favorite These are my favorite. episodes. They really are. PEACE OUT, TUPAC. [laughter]. THAT IS. >> GORDAN always says peace out, Tupac. whenever he has anything. [laughter]. >> Yeah. >> You guys want to do a review the. reviewer? Well, I think the answer is. yes in my. >> Okay, great. >> Yeah. Always say yes. >> Just as we planned it. >> Yes. This is where I go to Apple.

Podcasts. I find a review for the. podcast and we can talk about it. We'll. review that terrific. So we have uh. Katie Jordan Wolfe. The title is Ghost of Christmas Hell. Five-star review. If Conan had wanted my. five stars so bad, he could have just. called instead of haunting my dreams. like the Ghost of Christmas Hell. Guys, I'm still reeling. I can't get the. cackling image out of my head from a. nightmare I had last night. I guess the. spirit of Conan won't rest until I rate. the damn podcast and Ghost of Christmas. held me. In my horrific vision, Conan.

was the villain of Terminator 2 Judgment. Day. with, and this might be the most. disturbing visual of the whole thing, a. shaved head. He was like a cackling. Joker {slash} Lex Luthor in a too-tight. suit and staring at me with his beady. little eyes. >> [laughter]. >> Anyway, thank you Conan for this awful. image that will haunt me till the day I. die and I will probably somehow linger. after I'm long dead buried in the minds. of my descendants. I will honor. Christmas in my heart and try to keep it. all the year. Here, take your five.

stars, you ruthless animal, and stop. visiting my dreams. >> Oh my god. >> I said, what is her first name? >> Uh Katie. >> Katie, uh. first of all, great writing. >> Yeah. >> Great writer. Really funny. Um and help. me cuz you know these things. The the. villain in Terminator 2, was that the. policeman who can who has liquid who can. turn into liquid? >> It's the. >> T-1000. >> T-1000. >> Don't act like Don't Don't do that. >> What? Don't do what? >> It's It's a T-1000. >> know. It's the evil T-1000. >> nerd assist. He's helping out.

>> I'm helping out, yeah. Okay. >> It's a slam dunk. There we go. >> How are you? >> Nerd alley-oop. Any hoops. >> [laughter]. >> Awful. What an awful thing. So, I was uh shaved head. I wonder what. a uh Freudian psychologist would say. about, you know, what does it mean? I'm. there cackling. I've got a shaved head. I don't know what that means. >> You kind of are T-1000 in a way. You're. live and and like nimble. You can slip. through jail bars and things like. >> I can I'm First of all, I am primarily.

made of liquid metal. But also um yes, I. can shapeshift. I'm a shapeshifter, a. mind grifter, a high plains drifter. There's not a thing I can't do. There's. no gum I won't chew. >> Oh god. >> I see myself very much in that role. So, I think it's cool and and correct that. Katie identified me that way. >> Don't you want to be. Arnold Schwarzenegger? No? >> No, that's awful. Um. >> [laughter]. >> Cuz then you have to be governor of. California and I think that I think the.

state is ungovernable. So, [laughter]. >> We're going to find out. >> Um there's a there's a big thought that. California should be split up into. smaller states. >> What? >> Yeah. >> No. >> Cuz it's too big. It's too big. No one. seems to be able to run this place. >> the central, and the south? >> Yeah, I think there should be three. different states. >> Oh, so you do. You agree to this? >> I'm just going to go with it because. it's good for the podcast for me to have. a strong opinion. I think it should be. subdivided. I think it should be three.

states. What would you name them? Cala, Forn, and Ia. >> Oh. >> And. >> Yeah, I live in the state of Forn. >> [laughter]. >> Or Ia. What is Ia? >> I'm in Forn, but we're headed down to Ia. for Christmas. I live in Forn, but I vacation in Ia. Yeah. >> [laughter]. >> Um yeah, that's some people believe that. that's what should happen. >> believe it should secede from the union, too. Do you Where do you fall on that? >> Well, because we are the world's fourth. largest economy. Interesting. No, I don't think so. >> Okay.

>> But I will change that opinion if it. gets us more content for the podcast. >> I'll do whatever it takes. >> So, for me to have a strong opinion, do. we secede? I mean, I guess, but then. that raises all of its own problems. We. could be attacked by Utah in the night, and you don't want that. >> Utah? >> Yeah. >> we could take Utah. >> I don't know. Our army I don't know how. our army would do. >> And and also, remember if we're split. into three, then that's a Oh, you're. saying if we were are we three different. countries? >> we secede, we're one.

>> So, what are you for? Us breaking into. three and staying? >> Oh, I'm not getting in. You're not. dragging me into this. >> Well, you are California born and bred, so you have to weigh in on this. So, you're an immigrant, so you. >> What? >> So, >> I'm not an immigrant. You can't vote. >> I can't vote. >> I can't vote. IMMIGRANTS CAN VOTE. >> WHAT? >> [laughter]. >> CONAN, YES we can. Uh first of all, I'm. not an immigrant. >> Yay, [screaming] I GOT HER. I GOT her to. admit. I was birthering you long before Trump.

was birthering Obama. I WAS BIRTHERING. YOUR STATUS NOW. SO, you know what? I got you uncertain. >> I was born here. I was born in. Montebello. >> Well, which is it? You keep changing. your story. >> Stop. I'm saying I'm trying to teach you. that immigrants are allowed to vote and. if and it's okay and I'm not an. immigrant. >> should be and I'm glad we've now changed. it so they can. >> Okay, good. You're so brave. >> that passed, >> So brave. >> I'm for it. I am for it and I'm glad. that finally that's the way we're doing. things. >> [laughter]. >> Well, Katie, I hope we answered your.

question. >> I know. What are you You totally went. off topic. I brought up Arnold. Schwarzenegger you started bringing up. breaking the state into three parts. >> Well, which is it? Do you want it to be. three different states or do you want it. to be one that secedes from the United. States? >> I want to keep us together. I think. we're stronger together, so I'd like to. be our own country. >> Okay. >> I would love to have a passport that's. just like California. >> Yeah, and it says chill, dude. >> Yes. >> In Latin on the top. [laughter]. >> What is chill, dude, in Latin? >> I don't know. I'm not even going to try.

Yeah. >> Dormae. >> [laughter]. >> Grosifus. >> Grosifus. >> Yes. >> Hey, you know what? >> That's you. >> We're going to legitimize [laughter]. your citizenship for that. >> You know what? >> So, now welcome to America. >> Don't do an accent when you say it. >> This is awful. That's a You know what? It's okay to be an immigrant. >> I guess what? I I love immigrants and I'm so glad that.

you are here now. >> [laughter]. >> I'm glad I love that you're here now. >> Okay. >> She used to listen to me on Radio Free. Europe when she was growing up in the. country of Montebello in the [laughter]. country of Montebello nestled in between. Serbia and I got to get out of here, yeah. >> [laughter]. >> Jesus Christ. >> I'm going to succeed from this podcast. >> Yes, yes, we're all Now we're. going to break this podcast up into. three distinct sections. >> This is why people are dreaming of you. or having dreams of you as a villain.

>> I am a villain. I'm villainous. >> If you listen to this podcast, you are a. villain. >> I am an arch villain. >> Yeah. >> I'm the Joker and the Riddler all. combined. >> Yeah, that's true. >> Peace out, Tupac.