Conan Wants To Star In An Explicit Hallmark Movie | Conan O'Brien Needs A Friend

hey I had I want to bring up something. that was a direct quote from you just. now okay you just said in this room mhm. when I see a Hallmark movie I watch it I. did we weren't on mic I didn't know that. that would come back to haunt me well. yes so you're are you're prepared to. admit that and you're good I am I I will. not only admit it I will encourage. others to do it as well and I'll say. many people say that our nation is. divided uh that that uh you know we've. lost our way I think nothing would this.

country more than everybody watching. Hallmark movies I just enjoy the pattern. you know you could say that there are. certain tenants of of drama that were. set up by the Greeks and it's never. really changed since then I love that. Hallmark has a certain formula they. follow it every single time with. chilling regularity yeah and they've. also come up with something that I think. is. revolutionary when we think of story we. think of conflict conflict is the center. of story right it's the what is the.

conflict what is the problem any scene. someone comes into a room there's. there's a problem here how does the. person get the thing that the other. person's trying to keep them from. getting that's how all good drama story. works hmark I watch these things there's. hardly ever a conflict they're Conflict. Free yet they exist they're extremely. popular and it somehow works but. attractive single person meets other. attractive single person yeah yeah oh.

they one lives in Los Angeles and the. other lives up in the mountains of Utah. but in an fairly affluent. Community uh and they can get to each. other within a 40 minute flight or. something hour and 40 minute flight and. uh there isn't really they meet each. other she always immediately has to. dislike him but for not a good reason. it's never a good reason there's never a. good reason and then it's a reason that. can quickly be removed so it's really. not a conflict it's a conflict that way. like I'd like to come over there but.

there's a small tissue in the way I. can't you know what I mean well there's. usually some big city exboyfriend that. they've got to kind of like get out from. under but barely I don't know I've seen. ones where I've gone back and looked for. the conflict and haven't found it do you. think you could write a Hallmark movie. yes I do do you think you should I think. I should that's the better question yeah. I think it would be a good use of my. time didn't somebody I thought did. somebody make a Hallmark and somebody. CHR W Chris W did one and it's brilliant.

because so it's been done if they hadn't. done it I would do it and but I it. wouldn't be that funny uh I think what. would your situ if you're the star of a. Hallmark movie what's your situation who. are you meeting where are you going who. are you leaving and where are you. leaving well gez okay wow this is a lot. okay well um let's see uh I am a guy a. very goodlooking this is the part I play. oh come on there's prosthetics.

get off my ass and light with. prosthetics and and and lighting and CGI. they could do all kinds of to my. face okay so anyway I'm a guy who uh has. built an inn I have I have an inn and. it's up and and I'm very rugged and I. sort of look like the bronie paper towel. guy wait you're playing a rugged guy. you're playing the rugged archetype I. said CGI no I'm I'm not say look I think. you're an academic you're teaching at a. University and you're like a frazzled.

Professor I think that's more your all. right you know can I you're handsome and. you don't need CGI stop being mean to I. appreciate the notes because that helped. me sometimes I see myself differently. than other people do and I I do see. myself as a Woodsman uh as someone. Woodsman not even an Outdoorsman you. have the specific trait of a Woods no no. I I I swear to God did you know that I. sued bronie you did I sued the bronie. paper towel people because I said you. totally me off because it was around the.

time I was doing the tour soner remember. when I had the red beard and I sued them. and I said you totally ripped me off and. judge threw it out and he's he did a. picture he had a side by-side picture of. me in uh in boxers and the drawing of. the bronny guy and apparent they just. threw it out immediately and I tried to. take it to the Supreme Court yeah uh I I. I I have to interject here this is by. way I just want to introduce this is. Aaron Blair we call him blle right and. he and uh several major celebrities have. told you to shut the up that's.

right when that's right harison Ford and. Tom h both yeah so anyway and shut the. up actually okay and so let's hear. it well I just wanted to say I am a huge. fan of Hallmark movies and Lifetime. movies and every Monday I I watch a. movie with uh like on Twitch with with. some people and I think you would be. really interested in a series by Viva a. fox that's on Lifetime called the wrong. X so like the wrong man okay the wrong. tutor the wrong step is every episode.

different every episode is different but. they're all kind of the same and I think. you would be perfect for and I want to. start a campaign for you to be in one of. these movies I would do it there's. always a moment and you want conflict oh. there's conflict there's always someone. in a hoodie peeking around a tree oh I. could be a guy in a hoodie you are a guy. in a hood right now I'm wearing a hoodie. now and many times many times I've. peaked around to tree at people and at. the end she always says the title of the. movie so she's like told you he was the. wrong man told you it was the wrong. tutor and I think you would be perfect.

for this and I want to start a campaign. okay I'm okay with that and I want to. play this part uh and and and money. doesn't matter you know I'll make sure. that I mean as long as they you know you. know what I'm not sure that these movies. have a huge budget I'm just going to put. it out there but they're fantastic and. there's like I think there's I think. I've SE I think I've seen 19 of them I'm. not even kidding okay BL first of all. first of all you know that when someone. says money doesn't matter it means it. all.

um but second of all I'm willing to do. it but I think we should explore this. theme that that cuz I I do take. constructive criticism and I do think. I'd probably be a frazzled academic yes. but one of those things where when I. take my glasses off the woman realizes. uh he's you know he cleans up okay but. should should it be that you are in a. current relationship with a kind of mean. snobby academic and you go to a rural. area and suddenly you meet this let's. say like Woodman a nature guide a woman.

who's like does white waterer rafting. and breaks you out of your shell and you. don't know what to do and you Frolic and. she finds the real you oh first of all. I'm petrified yeah and then you leave. her and go back to the no no I no no I I. I have I I work at a small New England. College yeah yes and what do you teach. history what's that history my one one. subject is Grover Cleveland OH I'm a. professor of Grover yeah my I'm a. professor of Grover Cleveland ly and uh. it has to be liberal arts it has to be. no it doesn't have cuz you're sensitive. give me something is your archetype.

you're a sensitive man you know what. she's right I've seen you guys think. this is a game for me this is real life. okay I'm a sensitive guy I teach like. Emily Dickinson I teach poetry yes okay. so and I and I have a very safe but. frigid relationship with uh this other. woman uh who works there she's. controlling she's controlling and she's. always saying things like maybe this. weekend we'll go and look at that. antique shop and it's always very sounds. pretty good. [Music].

she how long how soon she Canna be. single no she wants to go teach at a big. city like ivy league university and. you're like this is my home this is. where I I love. teaching then you're like okay I need to. go find myself so you go on this white. water rafting trip which is so outside. of your comfort zone and it's and then I. get to do my trademark Con in uh. physical comedy where I'm I'm like w and. my my my glasses are getting knocked off.

and and my book goes in the. water and she keeps saying um dude just. chill just go with the flow the whole. trick of white water rafting is just is. letting loose and then you guys kind of. get um marooned on a little Forest. Island and you have to like kind of. spend the night and make a fire together. and stuff like that and I'm of course. I'm inept right yeah I'm sorry are but. that's okay it's okay but then there's. one point where she's kind of fed up. with me I look up at the stars and from.

memory I recite this beautiful like Walt. Whitman poem and she sees me in a. different way and then we go into a tent. and this is the part that's going to. depart a little from. Hallmark we. like animals we go at it and at. first the camera is outside the tent and. you just see Silhouettes but then the. camera pushes into the tent and it's two. naked animals and and I'm just a.

machine a machine and then you cut you. have all the cutaways to animals going. and Owl's Head spinning around and deer. running away and salmon swimming the. wrong direction like a mama owl puts a. Wings Over the baby owl's ears and then. you you come to the the sun is coming up. and you go back to the tent still going. you're still doing it it's like 8 hours. later and then I pause to rehydrate and. then but anyway but what's the conflict.

well the conflict is then I I lose. myself but that terrifies me okay so I. go rushing back to the New England. College where Enid. crud Professor Enid crud with with 3 DS. c r u d d d awaits and she's like you. said you'd be three days and you were. four well on our calendar it says we're. going to move up to second base we've. been going out for years and we have. never done it you haven't even done.

second base with Enid crud and yet I'm. away one night with this white water. rafting woman and God damn. it I just went to Jesus Christ the only. conflict of this thing is how much you. two have chafed because you've been. going at it so long what's the name of. the movie what's the name of the movie. hold on a second White Water uh hold it. rafting uh we got to think of this. rapid love rapid love Jesus Sona why are.

you wasting your time with us. know that's why are you wasting your. time with us I know I know that's what I. ask myself every single day why do I do. this why you a lot of times you're. saying it out loud during the podcast. why am I here why am I wasting my time. rapid love yeah we have to get this made. and I'm going to get on this VI because. I love Viva aox I'd work with her any. day I think you would be fantastic to. get one of these wrong movies I'm to.

start the campaign this is great we got. a lot of business sorted out.