Conan Talks To A Condom Size Specialist | Conan O'Brien Needs A Fan

Hey Noah, how are you? >> I'm doing very well. How are you doing? >> Uh oh, I'm doing great. Uh first things. first, I understand you're in. Massachusetts. Where are you? I'm from. uh said area as well. Whereabouts? >> Uh so I was born and raised in. Shrewsbury, which is just outside of. Worcester, but right now I live in. Woolburn with my husband. >> Oh, okay. Very good. All right. I hail. from Brooklyn, so I know these areas. well and all my family uh is from. Worcester originally, so I know. Shrewsbury as well. So, I just wanted to.

make sure that we were super boring up. front. [laughter]. >> Um, and we were. Now, do you ever take. Route 9? You ever use Route 9? We might. have to hijack this. Yeah. All right. No, I'm I'm I'm moving on from that now. Uh, and I get to more fruitful area. There's a Volvo dealership. Oh, stay. away from that. Okay, let's get. >> the Now it's Mazda. >> Okay, Ma. [laughter] There you go. Uh, Noah, we now know I know exactly where. you live. Um, and there will be no more.

questions except for in a few minutes. about the Boston area. Uh, I want to ask. you what you do for a living. Let's talk. about that. >> Yeah, for sure. I am a condom size. specialist for a condom company. [laughter]. >> Here we go. Okay, here we go. >> Are you hiring? No, [laughter]. >> excuse me. I'm going to get us right to. the next. When you say shrewberry, [laughter]. >> come on. >> Do you mean hiring? [laughter].

>> Out. >> I think you probably took it in a better. direction. So, [laughter]. >> am I understanding this right? You uh. you work for a company in penis size. analytics. >> Yes. Yeah. I mean, I would say half my. job is talking penis size. The other. half is analyzing penis size. >> Okay. >> Which do you prefer? >> Uh, surprisingly the analytics part. I'd. rather sagraph than some of the. [laughter] pictures. >> Isn't it great when your hobby turns. into a job?

>> Yeah. >> That's just the greatest thing in life, you know. [laughter]. >> I mean, I've been obsessed with penises. for 10 years now. So, >> it's just [laughter] great. You know, >> you do what you love. You never work a. day. >> Exactly. Exactly. So, >> Exactly. Uh, okay. Okay, let's get into. this. Are you saying you work for a you. work for a condom company? Is that. right? Uh do you want to name the. company or is the ca is the company not. to be known? >> No, it's I'm happy to name it's one. condom. So if you've ever seen a condom. with a round wrapper um that would be.

us. >> Okay. And um you make a variety of sizes. of condom. Is that correct? How many. sizes? >> That's our bread and butter. We have 52. different condom sizes. >> 52? >> Wow. I mean, I've always thought there's. just hardly any size, you know, differences when you look at a condom. No, you think of there being. >> Yeah. Small, medium, and large. >> Yeah. >> And Magnum. >> Yeah. [laughter]. >> We don't talk on fire. >> And Mount Kilimanjaro.

>> Yeah. [laughter]. >> Excuse me. I'll have the Mount. Kilimanjaro, please. [laughter]. >> No questions asked. >> We'll need three guys to take it out to. the car. [laughter]. Do you want us to load it in the back of. the uh station? >> White glove delivery, please. >> It's like [laughter] It's like when you. get a Christmas tree. I brought some. bungee cords. Could you lash it to the. roof? >> Would you like a fresh cut? >> All right. Uh listen, you must be tired. of this. >> Yeah. And and listen, we want to be You.

probably thought, "Oh, there's going to. be a lot of jokes and stuff." That's not. the case uh in this interview. Um we're. going to really get. >> very serious. >> This is a serious topic. uh penises. different sizes and you must cater to uh. uh the different sizes. Uh now tell me. exactly 52 different sizes. What is the. range say from smallest to biggest? >> For sure. I actually brought some visual. aids for us. >> All right, this is good. >> Soda's just looking laser beam eyes.

[laughter]. >> So something we deal with a lot is we. work in a lot of education. So, when. people demonstrate how to put a condom. on, a lot of times they have to just use. like a dildo like this, which is. >> all right. >> Distracting. Clearly, >> it's not distracting to me cuz that's. the actual color of my penis. [laughter]. >> It is. >> It is bright reduc. It is bright red and translucent. [laughter]. >> Yeah. It's got a suction cup on the end. as well. >> It also detaches easily from [laughter].

my body and goes in my luggage when I. travel. So, so far nothing you can show. me is shocking. [laughter]. >> That's like seeing an old friend. Yeah. All right. So, um, so tell us. Yes. The. range. What's the range? >> So, now we've actually come out with a. range of demonstrators to kind of cuz. all these demonstrators were just that. big fat juicy whatever you get right. there. So, now we have essentially I'll. start with our snugg range which I'll. pop up right here.

>> So, this is our little demonstrator. Wait a minute. >> Very nice. Very cute. [laughter]. >> Um, that thing's massive. [laughter]. >> I call that thing jumbo. >> Well, speaking of mine fits into one of. those. [laughter]. >> Wa. >> This is our Is that the biggest? >> This is our biggest. >> Okay. So, we sell condoms to cover a. bigger penis than this. However, this is. our biggest for demonstrated.

demonstration purposes. What is Have you. ever had someone uh call you up and it's. clearly like something medically has. gone horribly wrong? Meaning they have a. penis that you know half of it's in the. car still when they're talking to you. Do you know what I mean? It's. >> like it takes a right turn, a right. angle turn. >> It takes a turn. It's Yeah. And then it. takes another turn. >> Um there's a couple of right angles in. there. >> Oh, we've had 90° bends. We've had 90 to. 40. Anything in between. I mean, we. >> So, that's people that are trying to. have sex with someone around a corner.

[laughter]. >> essentially. Yes. >> Yeah. >> And we have a condom for that, but we'll. help them out. [laughter]. >> Wow. It. >> one condoms. We have a condom for that. [laughter]. >> So, um Wow. Okay. Uh and also you have. I'm guessing different textured condoms. Uh there's the ribbed condom. Has it what's happening out there in. condom technology uh that that I would. have missed out on?

>> That is a great question. So the latest. development in condom technology uh. would be focusing on heat transfer. So. something we did recently is we made a. condom using graphine which is this kind. of space age material that really helps. with conductivity. So essentially we. bond the graphine to the latex so people. feel more of their partner's body heat. >> Oh. Oh my. >> So this thing is emitting heat. It's. transmitting heat. [laughter]. >> No, no, no, no. It's it's transmitting. heat from your body to your partner's.

body. >> I thought it was like those mitten those. mitten warmers where you can put a. setting on it and uh you know. >> everything unsexy. What are [laughter]. >> you talking about? She was getting all. worked up over here and then you. >> talking about like the body and you're. like mittens. It's like mittens. [laughter]. >> Well, that's in my day that's what I. used to call them. I'd say give me a. second. I got to put me mittens on. I. think I think I got to take the reins on. that. [laughter]. >> Okay. Well, first of all, Sona Sona, you're like a Somalier. condom. I'm getting a uh.

you'd be a size 38. [laughter]. I'm getting. notes of oak. peach. Get a little peach in there. >> So, now why don't you tell us? I I want. to make sure that you can speak from. your experience. Um, >> well, what I'm curious about, and this. is a real question, cuz I you It sounds. like you're saying that the fit is very, what is it? Because it could just like. come off if it's the wrong size or.

squeeze your your little pee pee or your. big pee pee if it's too little. Like, what are the problems. >> with the wrong size condoms? >> For sure. That I mean, I have my graphs. ready. I have my infographics right here. by my side. There's basically. what five major issues, six major. issues. The big one is if the penis is. smaller and we have a bigger condom on. it, essentially the latex can get.

bunched up. It can pull out like in the. middle of the act. That's a really. common complaint. >> But then what really the main issue is. is fit widthwise and girthwise condom. that's too tight for people. So if the. condom is too tight, a lot of times that. constricts blood flow, which means no. erection, which means no sex. >> Um, >> right. >> Yeah. >> So really, it's it's covering the full. penis and then making sure it's. comfortable because if it's not. comfortable, how can you be expected to. perform, you know?

>> Yeah. >> Do you bring that chart with you. wherever you go? [laughter]. >> Yeah. Yep. Family dinners all on the. bus. >> Yeah. [laughter]. >> Well, everybody, happy Hanukkah. Oh, hey, and check this out. That's a good. white elephant gift. >> The chart. >> or the dildos? >> Yeah, the chart. That was a nickname. [laughter]. >> Uh, so this is incredible. Uh, this is. something you've thought about a lot. And, um, and you'd think I love the. scientific angle that science is always.

coming up with new things. Now, there. were called rubbers many, many years. ago. Is that because they were initially. made of rubber and now then they later. were made of latex? What's the history. of the condom? I mean, there's still we. all of our Conors are made with natural. rubber latex, so it's still a rubber. We. still call them rubbers. Um, not my. favorite term. It's not very sexy. Thank. you again for bringing it in a very. unsexy direction. [laughter]. >> Uh, I've so far I've so far I've said, so it's like a mitten. And I've also.

said, tell us about the history of. condoms, of rubbers, and so of rubbers. So I have I might be the worst person to. talk about this. Sona, again, you take. Take it. Just take it. I And I'm. admitting I should just step away. >> Let's say I'm a dude and I want I want. to get the right size for my dick. >> For my dick. Uh do I send you a picture. and you're like, "Here's what you need.". >> Yeah. [laughter] How do you know to put. it next to a ruler? How do you do that? >> Yeah. >> Do you need scale? A quarter has to be. in there. >> Yeah. Do we What do we do?

>> Yeah. Exactly. This is a good question. How does one uh measure so that they can. order effectively? So, actually, we. created our very own penis measuring. tool right here to measure both girth in. this fashion [gasps] and length in this. fashion. >> That looks like something that would. come in a Happy Meal. >> Yes. [laughter] Or like like testing. your pool water. >> Yeah. Yeah. But doesn't it look like Oh, this is a great burger. Oh, look. [laughter].

>> Yeah. So, essentially, we we will ship. these out. We offer samplers so people. because we have so many sizes if you buy. the wrong one we want to make sure. people get set up correctly. >> Are they supposed to measure when. they're fully I'll use the term. engorged? Is that when they're supposed. to use it for the measuring? >> Full engorged when as engorged as. possible. >> Okay. Okay. So, you really better be. watching something good. >> You know, like an early man. >> You've never met a woman. >> I know. I was like or with someone. [laughter] who can get you engorged.

You're just You just want to You're just. talking about watching something. Yeah, it's got to be a show from the 60s. It's. got to be a [laughter] detective show. probably. >> What the. >> I'm saying there's there's your manics. You know, there's some hot ladies in. those shows. Uh so, uh. what about making a mold of your penis? >> Oh my god. >> This is something that I've been. experimenting with for a number of. years. [laughter]. >> Um. >> experimenting with but never achieving. What do you mean? It's not.

>> No, I make them. >> Okay. [laughter]. >> It's a little bit of a Hey, we all have. hobbies. Cuz I don't laugh at your. hobby, Sona. I like to make a mold of my. penis and then um turn it into a. volcano. A little model volcano. [laughter]. It's fun. >> Is that just me? I thought everyone did. that. Eduardo, you you've made some. penis molds and turn them into. volcanoes. >> I don't I don't do [laughter] that. >> Yeah, you put little It's really fun. You put little kind of trees and shrubs. and put a little village at the base. [sighs]. >> Oh, there it goes. [laughter].

Uh I apologize again. >> Hold on. Hold I think I broke it. >> Your penis, cuz I know that voice is. your penis, >> is a volcano. Talking in third person. about itself erupting. >> Yeah. >> Here I go. >> Okay. >> I'm a volcano. >> You know when someone has a really lame. costume and they just basically say, "I'm a witch.". >> But I'm also assuming this is my penis. >> It's erupting out its mouth. So, how is. it speaking? [laughter]. >> First of all, it's like a ventriloquist. So, it can drink a glass of water and. speak at the same time. >> [laughter]. >> My penis My penis often tours with a.

little dummy and it can drink a glass of. water or shoot lava as it's having the. dummy say funny stuff. >> Anyway, again, this isn't where I. thought this would go. >> Oh my god. >> Back to Shrewberry. NOW, >> THEY HAVE A GOOD mall there. Please, >> man. >> Um, okay. So, when people call you for. advice, uh, are they very forthcoming about. their penis? Are they comfortable. talking about the size of their penis?

>> Uh, it's a lot of hush tones. A lot of. I'm able to tell that they're either in. the bathroom at work taking the call or. sneaking off into a corner. >> Be crazy if they just took it with a. bunch of people there. [laughter]. >> Yeah. Hold on a second, gang. What's. that? No, no, no. It needs to be really. small [laughter]. or it'll fall off. >> No, no. I'm off the charts small. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fine. That's fine. right there. Yeah. [laughter] More. potato salad on my plate. Thank you. Wait, I'm confused. Do you have like a. hotline? How is this call being. facilitated? You do.

>> and you. >> Yeah. One condoms hotline. Wow. >> Yeah, I'm the size specialist. I am the. resident sizeing. So, when someone's. telling you uh do you find that people. >> lie even though it might hurt their. chances of getting the right product? Do. people they get on the phone with you. and they lie? The way people lie to. their doctor all the time when they say, "Uh, how many drinks do you have in a. week?" They tend to shave off a bunch of.

drinks and they should be honest with. their doctor because you're talking. about their health, but they still lie. Um, do you find that people call you up. and they add a couple of inches? Do you. go by inches or do you run the metric. system? >> Back and forth. Our customers prefer. imperial and I like metric. It's just. >> I like metric because it's a bigger. number. [laughter]. >> Yeah. Exactly. >> It's just so great. You know, I use. millime just [laughter] cuz it's. >> I got 9 mm COMING YOUR WAY. >> 9 MM. [laughter].

>> That's like a pencil eraser. >> I GOT THE BIG 9 MM coming your way, baby. 17 nanome of meat. I've got 100 me. 44 quintto. [laughter]. >> Oh god. >> No, you get that. Throw around some big. numbers. >> Packing.7 g of fish food. just came from. Davos, Switzerland. >> and I'm packing 75. [laughter]. That's a heck of a meters. Okay, listen. I'm being stupid and I apologize. >> Uh but people lie to you.

>> Yes. I mean, I'll get a lot of that. You. know, I have a friend or such and such. A lot of people I think the go-to is. they'll say on a good day it's this many. inches. On a bad day it's this many. >> Whereas the good day is like a dream. [laughter]. >> essentially. >> It's kind of feeling down at the moment. I just had a bad day on the stock. market. [laughter]. >> Talking off the ledge. >> I went too hard into crypto. [laughter]. >> That's the dick talking. I lost 9.9.

cm. [laughter]. >> So, uh, yeah, that's that's crazy. But. you can tell when they're lying. >> Oh, yeah. I can almost the first word. out of their mouth, I can basically. guess what size they need and whether or. not they're telling the truth. I was. going to ask you if big dick energy is. an actual thing and then if you like. talk to someone on the phone, you're. like, "Oh, yeah, this is a big one." Or, "Oh, he's got a little one. That's. okay.". >> First of all, can women tell. >> just by like.

>> big dick energy? Yeah. >> I mean, I think there's a reason the. term exists. You can tell that someone's. like comfortable with themselves, you know? >> Right. They know they're not going to. tip over in a high wind, you know? >> Oh my god. Like it's a it's a tripod. You're saying they're going to be. supported? Yeah. I think I think. something. >> I'm quite confident in this high wind. [laughter]. >> I shall not fall. >> Oh my god. Uh. >> well anyway, so so uh you can tell and. you just do you ever walk around like a.

guy at a doing a party trick and just. call out people's number? >> Oh my god. >> Yeah. Just like this. I just. >> put on like the old Carson Carac hat, you know. >> Oh yeah. >> Wow. So well Sona, you say you can tell. Well, I but he he's ob obviously way. more uh educated in this field. He's an. expert [laughter] in this field. I'm. just curious if like when people call. and you can tell that they're like. bigger or smaller. You could just tell. by their voice and the way they're.

talking and stuff. >> Oh yeah. I mean like there's a lot of. southern draws on bigger guys. Uh. there's a lot of people driving. bulldozers, people driving semi-truckss. as they're talking to. It's crazy cuz I. drove a Peter belt in here today. [laughter]. >> And I'll tell you what, >> it was hard to get through the door. sometimes. [laughter] man. >> Well, I got here quite speedily in my. Yugo. [laughter]. >> It's a twocylinder engine. [laughter].

>> It runs on bubble bath soap. [laughter] My car is in my briefcase as. I speak. Oh god, >> you see me driving along. >> Oh jeez. >> Oh man, that was fun. Anyway, uh look, I. can joke cuz I'm quite happy with my. situation. >> The lady, and I do mean lady, don't.

protest [laughter] much. >> I think so. >> What are you talking about? >> Hey, I got something crazy that my first. experience with condoms was making blood. packs squibs. Do you guys ever have. because that's what they use for blood. packs in movies. Do you ever have movies. reach out to you? [laughter]. >> Why are you crying? >> Because you know what I love? I love. that I was the guy who was taking this. in unsexy direction [laughter]. and then Professor Nerz comes over here. I stand by it.

>> Did you know it's mini of blood pack is. made of a condom? Do you know I didn't. go to my eighth grade graduation dance. cuz I figured out how to make blood pack. squibs. >> Oh my god. [laughter]. >> Oh my god. >> That's BDE for you right there. >> Oh boy. >> You don't have to answer that one. That's a ter You know what? You can. answer off air. >> Yeah, for sure. Cuz I know you're going. to want to. What's the next uh advance. in condoms? What do you think's coming. up? I know there's the heat transfer, but let's look like 10 years in the. future. Will we even be Yeah, exactly.

something where when you uh ejaculate it. triggers various like fireworks and. stuff to stimulate both man and woman. and man and man or woman and woman or. man and woman. >> or the or the condom version of a of a. Viagra pill where you put the condom on. and it. >> helps you. What about that? That's a. great idea. >> That is a common request. We get that. very often as condom with that built. into it. >> Topical solution. Yeah.

>> Wow. Is that exist? >> I have to say. >> they have like I think you can like rub. it on your hand like gels and creams. I. don't know if they work. That's not. something that we get into. >> Well, I think uh Sona should be working. for you. Yes, >> cuz she's having great ideas left and. right. >> I think Matt and I should have nothing. to do with this business. [laughter]. >> Um I would agree. >> Yeah, that's true. I think that's fair. >> Well, did you have a question for me? I'm an open book and sometimes our.

people that call in have questions. You. may not. >> Uh yeah, I was I wanted to know, do you. think that size matters in general? >> Whoa. Uh well, [sighs] that would be a. question I think for the ladies, don't. you think? >> I [clears throat] mean, I'm a big. proponent of it's what you do with what. you've got. So, I really I. >> seems like size matters more to the man. >> I think so. I think it is. I think it. does. It seems like guys are more. invested in that than girls are. I don't. know. I mean, it's not like we're like, "Is it big enough? Let's pull out a.

ruler and just check your girth and your. size." It's just, you. know, man, you're just in it. >> Yeah. >> Good God. Um, I think all our licenses. have been revoked for erotic. conversations [laughter]. today, so we've learned that. >> Yeah. I mean, uh, you know, I don't know. about these matters. I'm famously out of. touch with my own body and uh I very uh. tightly wound and repressed. >> Sure. >> So I shouldn't even be speaking to you. right now. In fact, I passed out a while.

ago. [laughter]. >> This is an AI Conan taking over. >> This is an AI Conan took over. And the. real Conan is at uh was at a hospital. He's at a UCLA facility. >> He's being worked on right now. They're. trying to resuscitate him. >> I do feel like we could do an hour with. you, Noah. >> Yeah, we really could. You're a lot of. fun to talk to and it's a very But guess. what? Like so many things, yes, there's. a lot of jokes to be made and we've all. had our fun. He he helping people and uh.

I was going to say you're doing the. Lord's work. I don't think that's the. right thing to say. But you know, I. mean, well, the Lord makes the the pee. pees and he's helping the pee. >> Why do you keep calling them pee? He's. shutting off the tap. Oh, I see what. you're But you're looking at it from. like a Oh, that's the only reason you do. it when you know you can do it for other. things to shut off the. >> cannot be for pleasure. >> What? Conan? >> No. >> Sure it can. >> Only procreation. >> Oh boy. Okay. >> Two timers club over here. [laughter].

>> I'VE HAD SEX TWICE. BINGO. BOTH TIMES. >> Two timers club. Oh my god. >> Well, listen. Uh, Noah, seriously, you. are helping people and it's a very uh. and you you know what I've always found. no matter what someone does, if they. take it seriously and they're really. knowledgeable about it, it's. fascinating. >> It really is. And uh so um now back to. Shrewberry. >> Oh god. Okay, that's all the time we got. for today.

>> You just put a shrewberry podcast. What'. you say there, Noah? >> I said I could do an hour on Shrewsbury. easy. [laughter] Yeah, I think that. would have uh been me even more sensual. actually if we had done that. [laughter]. >> If you've been to Shrewsbury, you know. what I'm talking about. Noah, so cool to. talk to you and thanks so much for. reaching out to us. That's very cool. >> A pleasure. Thank you for having me. It's so nice to meet you all. Pleasure. >> Nice to meet you, too. What a lovely. fellow. I know. I love Thank you, Noah.