Conan & Sona React To Matt Gourley’s Disgusting Cat Story | Conan O'Brien Needs A Friend

We pride ourselves on professionalism. here at the podcast. And if you think. I'm being uh, you know, foolish, some of. us are less professional than others. The acme of professionalism, the height. of professionalism here, I would have to. say, is Matt Gorley. He's he's a pro. He's a real pro. I didn't think that was coming that way. No, you are. You are. You are. You You. No. What? She's I'm not even going to go there. But anyway, Matt puts the whole thing. together. Matt, uh, is you come in,

you're always on time, you you know. what's going on, you you hold this whole. thing together. And I say that, I'm not. kidding. You really do. You you you are. the maestro. So when you. showed up late today, I got worried cuz. whenever you watch a. Whenever you Let's just for the pretend. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Okay. Sorry. I think you mean you got excited. They're are similar emotions. Okay. They're both a form of excitement.

Okay. They're are subsets, but I. Wait, Matt's late. That never happens. And in any crime documentary, when the. punctual person is late, it means. they've been murdered. Yeah, it does. So, mine went to a dark place, which is. look, if Sona's late, it's like, oh, well, another crazy night for Sona. Oh my god. Well, whatever. You know, she'll be. here. She'll stumble in at some point. But we I was concerned. I was concerned. And you sir uh say you have a tale to. tell. Oh yes. But speaking of tale, we had a.

cat emergency. Okay. What happened? Well, this is not the first time this. has happened, but our cat Margot the fat. guy has uh some digestive issues as she. gets into her later years. And so, how old is this cat? She's um 13. 13. She's gorgeous, though. She's a gorge. Here's a grumpy photo of her with a a. hemorrhoid donut on her head because she. couldn't chew her one of her. It's a very good-looking cat. Yeah. And uh might be time. Age is just a number. I'm sorry. But. what might be time?

Wow. 13. How dare you? No. No. Some cats can get way up there. They can go to 20. Okay. Well, let's hear how's she doing. Yeah. Oh man. Well, this is the third time. unfortunately we've had to give her an. enema. Not personally. Oh god. So she has to go to the vet because. she's first of all she's psychotic and. she's obsessed with food. So if we don't. feed her in the morning, she meows. incessantly until we wake up and do it.

So then we got an automated feeder that. would dispense dry food. But that. constipated her and that's when we had. to give her these enemas. Now we finally found this wet food. automatic feeder where you could load it. the night before and it has ice packs. and so she'll sit there and stare at it. all night long until it goes up. But she. doesn't bother us. But she still got. constipated. Well, she gets constipated. and so we're on like 24-hour poop watch. hoping she'll poop and it goes, you. know, sometimes it'll go a few days and. we start to get really worried. So, we. take her to the vet and they want to. give her an enema. But what that means. is she comes home and she's just like.

like if a toothpaste tube was missing. the top. Okay. Okay. I told you this was disgusting and. you still wanted to do. leakage. Unbelievable leakage. And she also does. this thing that we call tutti scooching. where she sits on her butt and pops her. hind legs up in the air and pulls. herself with her front legs and just. scoots along the floor whether it be. hardwood or rug or whatever. Do you. remember those old toys that you used to. draw with a wax crayon on a on a like.

mat and then you'd put a car and the car. would follow the wax crayon? No, I don't either. I don't remember. that toy. You Oh my god. You grew up in the 1910s, I believe. I'm. just remembering. I'm remembering that. And then you were trapped in ice for a. while and then we melted you and you. came out. The way the same the same way that. people knew what I was talking about. with the inca binka bottle ink. The cork. fell out and you stink. They'll know. what this is. Okay. Okay. So, some days we'll come home and. there's just this like. no. trail around the house. Didn't you have an oy story?

Yeah. Like once. This isn't a regular. Excuse me. I'm keeping a cat alive. One. that you tried to kill, by the way. Uh. maybe maybe it's time. Oh my god, you need to stop that right. now. This cat is my life. This is the. only the only being in my household that. acknowledges that gives me any. attention. Okay. The other two are off. on their own all the time. This cat. loves me. Sits on my lap. We're bonded. And you want to take this from me? Hey, I have a question. Sits on your lap.

cuz you guys are busy. Sit on your lap. You're making jokes. I'm trying to come up with a solution. There's leakage. Not not when she's on. my lap. There are pet diapers. Are there such a. thing for cats? Margot would just never tolerate it. She. won't she would rip it off. She She's. insane. Yeah. Our vet tried to put her on Prozac. Oh boy. And what what happened there? We didn't do it. Why not? Um I don't know. Dope that cat up. That cat should be on. that should be on Lorazzipan. I know. We figured out,

you know, that that cat should be like. that that cat that cat should be on the. White Lotus chunked up on Lorazzipan. like Parker Posie. You know, that cat. should be stumbling around in a really. expensive. Bangkok. hotel going, "Oh, one time she ate chocolate and and. Oh, great. This will go well. Once I. don't know what happened, we gave her a. large.

We did not. She got it. She gets into. everything. She will eat vegetables. She'll eat anything. And she went to the. bathroom in a closet. That was so. disgusting. Oh jeez. And by then I hadn't remodeled it. So. where the floorboards met the wall, there was like a half inch crack. Jesus. And I remember just it was so disgusting. that I just put I disinfected it, but I. put baseboards on there and cocked it. all up. You sealed it into someone's. going to like just like the bodies at. the pool in Poltergeist. Someone's going.

to open these up one day. You left that for a future homeowner. Sweetie, it's our new Hey, sweetie. Happy 2055. We're both young and we're I'm expecting. and we're moving into our own house. since the Gorly murders. I can't believe a woman beat her husband. to death with his own tuba. Hey, let's start prying up the baseboard. so we can begin the remodeling.

It's come to life by that point. What the. God, it's a demon. Is this just part of your life now? This. leakage is just what it is. Maybe every maybe once a year this seems. to. Oh, that's not so bad. No, but it's. harrowing when it does happen. She's. just this oddity. One time we were. living in a second story apartment and. she was she would she was so big that. she would sit on a ledge that it started. bulging out the screen on the window and.

then she fell out the window but rode. the screen down like remember in Temple. of Doom when they ride the raft out of. the airplane. She rode the screen down. and I looked down there and she was just. fine. She was just fine. Yeah. Oh my god, she's insane. Wow. Maybe it's time. Oh no. No. No. It's easy to do. Crap.

All right. Well, listen. And the cat's. name is so we can all bego Margot the. fat guy. Yeah. Okay. That's gender confusion. Margot. the fat guy is is a lady cat. Is she Is she fat? Yes, she she comes and goes. right now. she's cuz she's a little constipated. Although after today she's lost some. weight. Oh man. Well, if please if you're out there, pray pray. We'll take them. There's a lot going on in the world. But. this is should be the priority is Margot. the fat guy. She's fine now. She's fine. I should.

mention she's love when she's when she's. in her sweet spot, you know, on my lap. She's there's nothing better. I wouldn't put that thing on my lap for. a million dollars. Start scooching. around using my knee as toilet paper. Oh god. Then I come to work and people. think I my knee. Hey, you your knee, Conan. Why did I agree to talk about this? Why. did I agree to talk about this? Never. We wish you all the best.