Conan Roasts His Talent Coordinator Over Her Healthy Snack Basket | Conan O'Brien Needs A Friend

Con O'Brien here and uh we're doing. something a little different today. Sometimes in this slot I talked to a. fan, but um we had a different notion in. mind. In fact, I did. Yeah, this is you. This is me. This comes from me. You. know, I like to run a tight ship. I like. to make sure that No, I'm serious. I'm. at the helm of a powerful company, an. industry really, Team Coco. And uh I am.

constantly looking for ways to improve. the efficiency. I'm kind of I muskian. almost. No, you don't. Did I go the. wrong way? Okay. Okay. I'll think of a. better way. Every term of the musk, you're not the musk. Okay. Okay. Uh. okay, that was the wrong way to go. Um, I uh I think of myself as sort of I. don't Santa walking through the workshop. making sure that all of the elves are. hard at work making the toys. No, no,

no. Closer. This is the furthest thing. from a tight ship I think I can think. of. Really? If this was the North Pole. and you were Santa, there would be no. Christmas, right? Have you ever seen. ghost ship where everybody gets biected. by a metal cable? That's kind of what. this is. I have not seen that movie. And. now And guess what? Now I don't have to. see it. You just totally ruined the. whole movie. That's how the movie opens. Oh, the movie opens with that. It's the. best opening movie ever. I watch most. movies thinking, I wonder if anyone gets.

bcted by a cable. It's a whole party. full of people. It gets bisected. And. what happens? The boat goes underneath. the cable. It's like, no, it's some line. on the ship that gets broken and then. like 50 people at a 1920s party just get. cut. severed in half and that becomes. the ghost ship. You know what? This is. proof that I don't run a tight ship. because I just let you bibble and babble. on about ghost ship and you use the word. bisect like nine times. Do you think.

this is how Santa treats his elves? I. think these elves should get. their asses in gear. I think he's a jolly man. He seems nice. to You know what? If I ran the North. Pole, those toys would get out on time. There wouldn't be any complaints. Most. kids would get coal. Even the good kids. And by the way, coal is worth more, you. know, these days. It's true. It's No, it's not. What? What are you talking. about? Coal. Yeah, coal. Okay. It's the. source of uh petrol. Um anyh whos uh I.

had a purpose in doing this, which is. I've been irritated by something. recently. I've noticed that there's a. flaw in our system. Okay. Um, when we. have guests on the show and we have some. pretty big names come here, we do a very. nice thing which is we put out this. basket of treats for them lately. I've. been looking and and there's a nice. little sign on the basket of treats that. says welcome and then celebrity. That's. very thoughtful. Yeah, it is very sweet. If Will Ferrell here, it's like welcome. Will, you know, well, whatever. It's a.

nice It's a nice thing. It's very. friendly and it's all put together by. Maddie Ogden who's our talent. coordinator and she does a great job of. making sure that everyone's very well. taken care of. But lately, I've been. just looking at the basket and the. basket is an abomination. I mean, it's a it's an it's a crime. It. is packed with all this aggressively. healthy eco snacks. And I first of all,

I'm noticing not a lot of people were. taking the baskets. I don't think. anybody takes the baskets. And it used. to be filled with really fun things. like, oh, a chocolatecovered pretzel and. here's some raisinets and here's some. this and that. Lately, I don't know. what's going on, but I want to get. Maddie Ogden in here if she's in the. building. Disagree. I want to find out. what's going on. Do you have any exhibit. A's? I have Yeah, I have some exhibits. here. And uh so let's get Maddie here. Maddie, I hope. Come on in, Maddie. Have a Maddie, I.

just want to say Sona and I have your. back at all times. Well, a lot of good. they'll do you because they don't carry. the weight that I have. Maddie, one of. the things that I've noticed recently is. that, and I guess you choose these. snacks, is that it got aggressive. It. got real aggressive. Uh, for example, I'm going to put on the old specs here. cuz, uh, gimme roasted seaweed snacks, toasted sesame, roasted to light crispy. perfection. So literally that. washes up on the beach and dries. You're.

giving more. There's two of them. Yeah, there's two. Oh, in case you finished. one, one is toasted sesame, the other's. teriyak. Yeah. Uh why don't you throw. some barnacles in here while you're at. it? Burn Herzog loved those. Thank you. So maybe you just don't have as classy. of taste. Verzog is also a pain artist. Burner. Herz is someone who loves going into the. South African jungle and and like almost.

dying. He's someone who loves dying and. death and madness. He's a guy who's. famously almost killed people he's. worked with and has almost died himself. making his movies. So don't say Verer. Herzock loves it. That's like all the. Adams family loves this. Oh my god, they loved it. Oh Jesus. Oh, here's more. There's tempura seaweed. snacks by Nora. I don't even know. And. it's a weird shape. It looks like a. satanic shape. Satanic. Yeah. This does.

not look good. Does not look good. Oh. Oh, and there's something else. There's. one thing that isn't in here that was in. here for a while and I think you got. scared and stopped because you noticed. that I was complaining, which is. mushroom jerky. I knew you were going to. say mush. Why were you putting mushroom. jerky? I would. If you put a 44 Magnum. to my skull, I would not take a I would. not take a bite of mushroom jerky. And. you were handing it to our guests and.

then you wonder why suddenly all the. A-listers dropped out. Where do you even get mushroom jerky? Um. at the snack aisle in Gelson's. And I do. have a story. And that's when Bill Hater. came back the third time. He picked up. the mushroom jerky and he said, "Is this. a prank? Is this a prank?" Yes. Well, I'm on Bill's side. Bill's a. valued guest. Let's see what else we got. here. Uh, Island style. I'd think Oh, good. The I guess these are potato. chips, but they're hand one of those. Yeah, Rusty's chips. They're island.

style. That doesn't look like any potato. chip I've ever seen in my life. Good. though. They look kind of saturated with. oil or something. No, it says no trans. fats, no saturated fat, no cholesterol. Oh, here it says no joy. Now joyfree. Good job, Rusty. You took everyone's. favorite unhealthy snack and turned it. into something nobody wants. We should. be trying some of these. I know you're. not supposed to eat on podcast, but I. just I heard RFK Jr. said that joy was. inflammatory, so really I'm just looking. out for everyone. Okay. Okay. If you're.

going to work in your little political. jabs, you know, I didn't realize. Oh, here's some good crunchy giant Inca. corn. And there's a picture of a a female. athlete climbing up the side. I thought. you were going to say a female something. else. Well, it's it's No, they're not. corn nuts. It's crunchy giant Inca corn. It looks like a a vagina. This looks like a vagina. A and in the. ear. No. Okay. I mean, I think I think.

people are uh health consscious. No. And. they want healthy snacks. No. No. No. No. That's their choice. This is our. gift to them. So, if you gift somebody. What are you eating over there? Well, just a skinny dipped dark chocolate. peanut butter. Oh, you found the one. thing that was edible in there. Oh, good. Go crazy with banana sugar. All. natural banana walnuts. Sarah Silverman. took those enthusiastically yesterday. Do you realize she's homeless? Sarah. Silverman is homeless. When we found her.

for the podcast, she was reaching into a. garbage can to eat half a hot dog. And I. said, "You want to come do the podcast?". And she said, "Is there anything there. to eat? I'll eat anything. And I said, "Would you eat banana walnuts?" And she. said, "Yeah, I guess so. I'm so cold and. so hungry." So, I mean, this is this is. a war crime. What's going on here? GFB, Glutenfree Brothers. Oh, I love the. gluten-free brothers. When I want to. have a good time, I hang with the.

gluten-free Hey, are the gluten-free. brothers in town? Let's have a party. Um, did something happen to you as a. child? Is this Are you angry about. something? What's going on? Why would. you do this to people? It's just, you. know, I have this boss and he's really. critical. That's true. Do you think that you have. the taste buds of like a young teenage. boy though, Conan? Like I think you just. want like Do you would you guys admit. anybody does anybody see kind of what.

I'm saying? That m Eduardo, would you. like to speak up? I'll just say I was. convinced that maybe this was Mattiey's. tactic to keep us away from not touching. the guests. Right. Okay. So, Eduardo um is on to something. there. And so, the thing is um I love I. love putting out the snack basket. Okay. Snacks are my love language. Um and and. while I'm flattered, a lot of other. people in the office began also enjoying.

the snack basket, which is fine. Um, but. it got to the point where the guest. would be 2 minutes away and there would. be six opened containers in the basket. And you know, apart from Sarah. Silverman, uh, apparently our guests are. classy people. I want a good. presentation. And so sometimes I would. have to scramble. And you know, like I. don't like greeting the guests when I'm. scrambled. I I prefer to not be sweaty. Listen, listen, Maddie. Maddie. Maddie, I don't want you I don't want you at all. to be on the I don't want you to all be.

uh at all be on the defensive. But if. snack listen but listen you just. attacked her for 10 minutes. Listen. what? I don't know why you're being so. defensive. By the way, let's continue with the. Nuremberg trial. Maddie, if snacks are your love. language, you are filled with hate. This is just awful what you're doing. And yes, I agree with you that I. understand your tactic that Yes. Would. you You're just chopping away. These are.

I can't see them. Um, you just knocked both of the. gluten-free brothers on the floor. Yeah, I knocked out both gluten-free brothers. with one mighty backhanded blow. Steve. and I win. Here, have some teriyak. chips. Um, here, why don't you why don't. you eat this highlighter while you're at. it? I hear it's free of of electrolytes. Um, Maddie. Yes. Yes. Here's the. problem. Yes. You have identified a real. problem, which is that this little. podcast studio that we run, this Team.

Coco World, is just uh it's a ship. filled with rats that need to be. bisected, by the way. And it's sad. It's. sad that when you put out some snacks, all these well- paid employees. hover around and jump on them and then. just start gobbling them. They're. rodents. Everyone, everyone who works. here is a rodent. They're good snacks. That's why people want They're in a. basket that says this is for Woody. Harelson. And then when you see a basket. that says food for Woody Harelson or uh.

welcome Harrison Ford, a a. well-educated, nice, well-bred person. doesn't jump on it and start snoring it. down, especially when an icon's coming. up the stairs. Also, we have a whole. cabinet full of other snacks. There's no. mushroom jerky in there. And I've been. looking. There you go. Do you realize. mushroom jerky isn't even manufactured? It's a byproduct of other food that went. bad. It's other food that went bad and. turned into mushroom jerky and then they.

just put a package around that. That's. what mushroom jerky is. I'm going to. tell you this right now. This is got to. stop. We've got to stop. And and and I. have your back. If these rodents, these. rats are getting into the snacks. See, what you're doing is, "Oh, I don't. there's this food and I don't want these. dogs to eat the food that I'm going to. put out, so I'm going to pour kerosene. all over it." And then you're shocked. that people come to your nice brunch and. no one's eating the food. And you're.

saying, "Well, what's the problem?". Well, it tastes like kerosene. I know. I. put kerosene on it to keep the dogs. away. What's your problem? Well, that's. essentially what you're doing. Mushroom. jerky. Uh, you know, these gum gum. chips. tempura flavored chip chops, Inca. corn that looks like a vag. Um, you. know, you've got the gluten-free. brothers. You've got mushroom, you know, jerky. It's just a mess. It's a mess and. it's got to stop. People want Doritos.

They want Oreos. They want food that's. good for you. Food that food that's good. for you. Doritos and Oreos. These are. people who care about their bodies. She's getting them snacks they probably. already eat anyway, right? Is it. possible that you would enjoy the. seaweed if you tried it? Try it. Yeah, try it. Try the seaweed. And is it. possible that we start kind of tailoring. it to what we think the guests would. like? Cuz this all seems very Woody. Harrelson to me, but not necessarily. Oh, this is awful. Oh, come on. This is.

I I'm not kidding. This tastes like the. ocean. The last time I had this taste in. my mouth was when I almost drowned in. summer camp mountain farm 1975. Oh man, that's just this is awful. Can I just. say I've had this exact nightmare. before. God damn it. Get this out of my. mouth. God, I've never seen him so. charged of all the things. Do you want. Maddie? Do you taste test these? I do. I. I like all of these snacks. No, you. don't. You do not like that snack. Yes,

seaweed's good for you. And it's a great. substance. Seaweed's good for you. I An. octopie wouldn't have that. Okay. That's. more than one octopus. Yes. Yeah. But. you said an octopi. Oh, here's good. You. got You decided to get some jerky. But. don't worry, it's grass-fed and. finished. Zero sugar. Oh, what's wrong. with any of that stuff, though? I like. lots of sugar in my beef. I also I want beef that's not I want. some beef that's eating grass. I want. beef that's out eating other beef.

This is alley. My. daughter eats these seaweed things and. they're not anywhere near as good as. these ones. Those are ter That's. terrible. It tastes like seaweed. When I. You know what? When I was a kid. strolling the beach, I never once was. like, "H, look at that seaweed on the. sand." And then started chopping away. Macadamia, that's the worst of the nuts. I'm sorry. It is. Apologies to Hawaii, but you guys really blew it with the. macadamia. You've got some mints here.

That's good. Oh, I see you put a lot of. mints in here to get the seaweed taste. out of your mouth. That's why they're there. Mr. O'Brien, sir, may I just Dr. O'Brien Dr. O'Brien. PhD in nonsensology nonsensology. Um, may I just ask, what snacks would you. like to see in the basket? And I asked. this because before the Oscars, I put. together a basket for you and I reached. out to David Hoppin, your assistant, and. he said, and I quote, "Um, I don't know.

I guess protein bars. So. So what what could I what could I do to. to to to please my benevolent boss? Maddie, you don't want to be thinking. about me because I am someone who's. filled with a lot of self-loathing. And. when I approach a gig like the Oscars, I. start I I get nervous. I get intense. I. uh I I just eat protein bars. I drink a. lot of water. I drink I It's bad. No, I'm saying I'm I'm I'm telling you this.

isn't a supposed to be. I'm saying you. shouldn't be catering to me because I. don't have joy in my life. I've removed. joy in my life so that I can bring joy. to others in a selfless way. Good mint. Um. don't go by me, okay? But go by like you. should call one of my brothers. Okay. Actually, call my brother Neil and find. out what to put in there. Okay. It's. going to be moon pies and stuff. Yeah. It's going to be a great It's going to. be full of great. No, but I mean, you. know, uh, you know, cookies and yummy.

snack. Eduardo, jump in here. You agree. with me, right? I agree with you. I'm. sorry, Maddie. Uh, but I also do have. the taste buds of a 15-year-old boy. I'm. sure a lot of people do. Not a lot of. like celebrities though. They do. That's. a myth. You all think because we have. these amazing bodies and I see the way. you guys look at me that with total. disdain. Yes, that's what I meant. But. there's a misconception. No. Do I mean some of these guests like.

Sher might really wish that someone. would offer her some Oreos just once. instead of putting out some dried papaya. goo? What if she could spread on her. gums? Two baskets, naughty and nice, and. they can make the choice, but they have. to choose one. Yeah, that's true. We. could we could do we could do a study on. this and just kind of see what we could. make a chart of like who went naughty. and who went nice. Sher went naughty. Jane Fonda went naughty. Goldhan went. nice. You guys keep saying Sher.

Share was booked. Shar went is she was. booked and and then the fires broke out. I know. It wasn't hard enough for you. I. know. And now you guys keep bringing her. up as as if we had her on the show. Well, we had a basket ready for her. Come on. Yeah. It was filled with some. of the worst anyone's ever eaten. basket full of hush. Does it have to be. snacks? You said it right. Does it have. to be snacks? Could it be like a mixture. of like some swag and Oh, well now. that's caught in this little money. Well, sorry. If they don't take the.

swag, that's just kind of Hey, do we. ever give them like is there a is there. a Con Brian needs a friend hat or. something? That's for sure. Well, guess. what? Guess what? I'm going to tell you. something. It's very smart. I'm sure. other podcasts give you swag. I know. other late night shows. We would do it. on a late night show. You give a. celebrity a t-shirt, they wear it, and. then they're out at St. Barts. Beyonce. is walking around wearing a t-shirt that. says, "I love Conan." And people of. Paparazzi take a picture and they go. like, "Wow, Conan's cool." Hello. Did I. lose you guys? Sorry. What are you guys.

doing? What are you Why are you. signaling each other? What's happening? Why are you signaling? No, there's. there's nothing happening. Uh, we were. just going to give the rap late, but I. was just saying not yet. We should go. just a few more minutes. Oh, I didn't. realize that you're the Toscanini of. this. I didn't realize you have the. baton. The way that you know that a rap. night is a rap light is just an. indication. You go as long as you want. I go as long as I want. When I when I. sense that we're When I sense that we've. hit oil, I keep drilling, baby. Yeah. Put the heat on. Yeah. I can't believe. you cut off his Beyonce wearing.

Good. Good. Yes. Way worse than bad. But. um I So, so I will say back at the TV. show, you know, one of the things we. used to give people among other things. was a giant can of delicious popcorn. And people used to love munching on that. popcorn. You know what? We gave them. this amazing popcorn that comes from. Chicago, and it's it's a cheddar, but. it's like it's made of molten cheddar. It was so good. What about a seaweed. popcorn? No. Oh, I like that. No. Listen, stop. I I know that you want to. live to be 250.

uh and be in terrible pain at the end of. your life, but uh what are you doing? I. would like another one of these another. brother. These gluten-free brother. bites. Stop giving them free. advertising. We do not want that company. to flourish. Oh my god. All right, I'm gonna shut it down. because Garrett's popcorn. Yeah, it was. Garrett's popcorn. And we never had any. complaints about Garrett's popcorn. Also, I'll say in the green room at the. show, we used to have a whole cheese.

plate. Yes, it was there was all kinds. of cheese. Listen listen. This was a. different time, okay, Erin. We were a. television show with a certain budget. Now we're a bunch of people hovered. around one microphone uh hiding from the. rain. So um no, we we are we are not. going to start having caviar and roasted. ham out there. But I think we can do. better than what we're doing. And and. and Maddie, what? Here's your Haley. Bieber smoothie. Yeah, my Haley Bieber. Yeah, perfect. Oh, good. My metal spoon.

Oh my god. Speaking of budget, I I I. have to beg for these snacks as is. I I. can't fill a basket with $19 arowan. smoothies. I just want to set. unbelievable. Listen, I am at the top of. the top of the Hollywood pyramid, okay? Because I have a Haley Bieber smoothie. It was just brought to me probably as a. bit, but I'm going to enjoy it. What does that taste like? It tastes. like beauty.

It tastes like youth. It tastes like. fame. Uh, it tastes like all good. things. Wow. Available at Air1. And. they're only $700 a pop. And you have to. bring a you have to have a co-signer for. the loan. Um, I'm going to sign off and. listen, Maddie, I want to end on a. positive note, which is I really think. I'm a great podcaster. and I think I'm pretty good-look guy. I. can't come up with something positive. about you. I just No, you are fantastic. You do a great job. We all love you. We.

cherish you. I think something went very. wrong. I think you're angry about. something and it's reflected in this uh. gift basket which is a tragedy. It's a. crime. Um but I think it's easily fixed. But other than that, let me tell you, we. are very lucky to have you. Okay. We. love you. You're very funny, very. creative. She's a very funny person. Oh, I love Maddie and I love the snacks. I'm. sorry. The snacks are There we go. That's your dick. That's the. worst thing you could do to chips to. really No, not to those chips. that.

actually improve those chicks. Oh my. gosh. Also, can I just say we have a. guest coming in probably 3 minutes and. now all of these snacks are either eaten. or just for today's Guess what? Guess. what? Here's what we should do. I'm. smashing up all the snacks and then see. see if Carol Leafer notices. Here, I'm going to spit in this one. No, I'm not going to do that. I like I'm not. going to do that to her. get her some. But but but seriously, let's let's up. the game a little bit and and give.

people, I'd say, a little bit of a. mixture. Absolutely no sea seaweed, no. mushroom jerky. Throw a couple of Oreos. in there, but you can still have your. gluten-free glim glams and glam glams. Okay. Well, this has been very. informative. Thank you. I think it's. been very informative. And uh I think I. had a little bit my arrowan haley Bieber. smoothie. They put actual pieces of gold in here. and actual pieces of Haley Bieber. Yeah. Okay. You went too far. It's red. I like. the joke. Thank you. It's red. Yeah. Okay. Look at the bottom. Hold it up and.

look at the bottom. That's her. That's. her spleen. That's her. Yeah. She really. gave of herself to make this movie. Thanks, Haley. Oh, god. Peace out.