Conan & Paul Scheer Pitch A Murder-Solving Funeral Director Procedural | Conan O'Brien Needs A Fan

Hello. >> Hi, Josh. Welcome to Conan Needs a Fan. with Conan and special guest Paul Shear. >> Hey, Josh. Hey, Josh. And I understand. Josh, you and I have not uh met, but you. and Paul have uh have chatted on the. podcast. Is that right? >> Yeah, I guess so. Right. >> You chatted with David, but I was in the. room, so I I shook your hand, but you. likely won't remember me from from all. the activity. >> Quick quick question, Josh. Was he cold. and dismissive when you shook his hand? Was he like did he did he try and big.

time you? >> He looked deep into my eyes. I panicked. [laughter] and I left and I handed it to. David. >> This is the effect I have on people. You. know, >> he did it with me today. So, yes, we. have special guest uh the very funny. Paul Shear sitting in with us and um. he's going to help us help you because. what I like to do is uh meet fans and um. find out about them and then help them. with their issues if they have any. And. so Josh, tell us a little bit about. yourself. >> Yeah, so I live in Bellev, Washington.

with my wife of 17 years. I have three. kids. >> Um, today I'm in Chicago because I'm. here for a national funeral convention. Oh. >> Cuz I run a direct to consumer casket. and earn company. >> I was going to say I thought I was just. going to say I'm I'm glad he's in the. funeral business because [laughter] if. you. >> if you were just fan fanboying out at. the convention, I'd be [laughter]. ahead. I was going to say, what happens. if someone dies? Are y'all in Chicago. right now? I mean, what [laughter].

what's going to happen? >> The best possible place, but you should. attend one funeral convention in your. life, I would say. >> All right. >> Not two, but one. >> Um, I disagree. [laughter]. >> Uh, you know, uh, we can talk and let's. talk about it and you can tell me a. little bit about the business. What do. you do in the, uh, the funeral business, Josh? >> So, most families when they have a loss, they go to their local funeral home. They don't know what things should cost. reasonably. So, they don't shop around. and they end up spending often too much.

money. They don't have the goodbye they. necessarily want. But what these. families don't know is there's a federal. law called the funeral rule. It's an FDC. law that gives you the right to buy your. caskets, earns, other products outside. the funeral home. And so that's what we. do. We sell caskets and earns at at. roughly half the price that they're sold. elsewhere uh through our own site, through Costco, Sam's Club, Amazon, and. we so we try to help. I could buy caskets in bulk. I. [laughter] mean, is it do you know when. you go to a if you go to a Costco or. something, you can get not just you get. like 35 rolls of toilet paper. Could I.

go and buy a family? >> Yeah. For a family. [laughter]. >> Stop at 35. >> Family size. >> We will sell you hundreds of. >> caskets. It's like the Froot Loops. That's like the Froot Loops that feed 35. kids for a week. [laughter]. >> Does anyone ever buy more? Does anyone. ever buy more than one casket at once, do you think? uh not a not a once but we. have families that that have needs in. their community and so uh but usually. they don't fill up their trunk with more. than one. >> I have a question about this because you. know normally when someone dies it's.

it's you know it's a surprise or or we. didn't know it was going to happen and. it seems like you can't take this time. to like go shopping around. It's not. like oh hold on let me order one on. Amazon and like when will that come in. like a week? Like I don't know you know. >> Also a big problem I've had this with. shoes. Oh, this pair of shoes looks. really amazing. You order it from. Amazon. They come and they don't fit. If. the casket shows up after you've waited. for three days and you try and put Uncle. Mory in there [laughter]. >> and it he doesn't fit, what do you do?

>> He'll fit. We'll make sure he fits. [laughter]. >> Oh my god. I don't like the way he says. that. >> Yes, [laughter] Josh. >> You've solved all these problems. >> Josh has another product he could sell. you. >> called the Dleger. [laughter]. This I told you you have to come to a. funeral convention. >> It's Mson's Dgerer. [laughter]. Keep the bottom part closed and no one. knows where those legs went. >> Please change the name of your funeral. company. Like we'll make sure they fit. >> Yeah, [laughter].

>> that's right. But no, most people fit in. a standard size and then we do have. wider ones for. >> for uh those who need them. Okay, this. is a very obvious uh area, but when one. is in this position, they often start selling you a casket. This is the normal way. You're at a. funeral home, they start ordering you a. casket or or trying to sell you a casket. and they want to sell you this really. beautiful casket. And even if this is. someone who is really near and dear to. you, there is part of you that's.

thinking like it's going immediately in. the ground. >> No one's getting to look at this thing. >> No one's getting to look at this thing. So, the fact that it has flames painted. on the side [laughter] and it gets AMFM. radio. Uh, >> now stop attacking my kiss coffin. because [laughter]. that is something I hold and I treasure. dearly. >> You know, I've seen the kiss coffin. Oh. my god. >> We had Jean Simmons on the old late. night show and he came on with all KISS. He just tried to use my show as an. infomercial and he came on with all. these uh all this Kiss stuff.

>> I was actually on that show. Were you on. that show? because I remember the kiss. coffin IN THE HALLWAY. >> IT WAS IN THE HALLWAY [laughter]. AND I WAS LOOKING AT IT AND I KEPT. TRYING TO talk to him about cool. backstage stories and being in a rock. band and he was just like, "Let's just. stick to the merchandise." [laughter]. >> Um, so the coffins you're selling for. half price, >> how can you find that savings? Is it is. it because there's so much upselling. that goes on in a normal funeral home? >> That's right. Uh, just the dynamics of.

somebody making a distressed purchase. They're only not shopping around has led. to huge markups on these products. But. to your point, they they all do the same. thing. You should not It's all. aesthetics. It's a rectangle. They have. the same functionality. You should not. overspend on on these products. >> And there's not a lot of functionality. either. I mean, there it's a box that is. out of sight, out of mind. I hate to be. too graphic about this. >> I don't mind putting a little string in. a bell there just in case, you know? I. feel like old school style. Just in case. you, you know, you wake up, you got to. hit that little.

>> Do you know who wanted that? who. >> George Washington wanted that his big. fear which was a very common late 18th. century fear and early 19th century fear. was being buried alive because. >> before they were imbalming it was a real. possibility and so he was very worried. that he would be buried prematurely he. didn't do they didn't do the bell but he. did ask that people keep an eye on him. for a couple days and poke him with. sticks um and [laughter]. >> wait is that true. >> no poke him with sticks. >> no I I maybe made that part up just for. fun and now you've ruined it [laughter].

Um, so Josh, you have this business and. this actually, all kidding aside, it. does sound like you're really helping. people because many people spend a. fortune and sometimes spend money they. don't even really have getting. paying all these expenses and and they. don't realize that there's another way. to go. >> We try to be a service business. We sell. products, but at the end of the day, we. we have a team here who's here to guide. somebody through a really difficult. period. It's it's it's incredibly. rewarding um to run this business.

>> Can I ask you about something I've. considered and tell me if this would. even be possible, but I've discussed. this with a couple of people. It may. even have come up here, but um it's the. idea that uh if I pass away, maybe uh. I'm not put in a casket or um maybe I'm. not uh cremated. Maybe I could be a body. on a crime procedural show. >> You know what I mean? found by a jogger. >> Like a jogger's running by and then you.

cut to the cops and they have their. coffee and it's me. I'm there. Uh and. whatever. Put some jogging clothes on. me. I'll I'll clean up. All right. >> Yeah. >> But it would be a way that I continue to. work in the business. >> A final performance. Yeah. >> Or more. >> Oh, okay. You're saying keep it going. Wow. >> Well, there are probably chemicals that. would keep me going. And [laughter]. Weekend at Bernie's, I think, is a. documentary. >> That's like they know two is. Yeah. >> Uh, [laughter]. >> but anyway, it's just or being left in a.

field. Something. >> a scarecrow. >> Yes, >> I'm kind of scarecrowy now. >> Crows do not settle on me. >> You see, that's that would be amazing. I. I want to ask uh Josh about. >> I think Josh left. >> Oh, sorry. [laughter]. >> No, let's make all this happen. I'm. taking notes. >> Josh realized that these guys are not. [laughter]. >> Well, did they. >> are not reputable. I should not be. talking to them. Is there I I've seen. this a few times where they set up a. scene. So it's like somebody uh the the.

image that I'm thinking of is like a. woman sitting at a table with a drink. and cards and a pack of cigarettes. I've. seen that as like a way to do a wake. tableau. Is that does anyone really do. that? >> I think we've reached the edge of my. expert. I've seen a lot of strange. >> That is not I I have a picture of it on. my phone because I was I I. >> What? >> Just for fun. And. >> Okay, then that explains it. [laughter]. But I I didn't know if this is a new. thing like they creating a. >> tableau. I'm going to back you up here. Paul and this is uh and I don't want to.

I want to go after but I have to because. I have also heard of oh they've been set. up in their bark lounger and they used. to watch you know love watching their. you know Seahawks game and so that's. what we set up and that's how you can go. see them. >> It's like an exhibit in the Smithsonian. instead of like a it's like a wake but. you're watching them in their their nice. moment. >> Yeah. I think Josh made it clear he's. he's not going anywhere near this. >> Yeah, he's checked out. >> But [laughter] yeah, >> there's there's no limit to what we'll. do. So part of why I reached out a.

[laughter] visionary. or we haven't found the limit and we'll. get him in there. >> He's jamming NBA stars into a tiny. casket. [laughter]. >> Let's create options. We have. >> I want the coffin, please. [laughter]. >> That's right. >> At this convention, is there a lot of. partying? Is there a lot of partying? Because you know, I'm going to say this. because Josh is clearly a very funny fun. guy. He's met you before, Paul, and you. only meet with people who are fun and. funny. I do. And that's.

>> and you you you're listening to our. podcast and you're you're contacting us. >> So, people always have this feeling that. the person at the funeral home is, you. know, very like lurch on the Adams. family, and you're not. I'm guessing you. guys really like to party when you get. together. It's hit and miss, I would. say. I've been in other industries. [laughter] where. >> Okay, you shook your head. You might be. a little more. >> Yeah. I I don't I don't look there a lot. of fantastic people in this business. I. I wouldn't say it's the most lively crew.

of any industry out there. >> So funny because I would think being. around death all the time would make you. want to be uh more alive. Does that make. sense? >> I agree with that very much so. I I. think spending every day answering the. the call from people are in these. moments, it it really makes you reflect. Um I don't know if it makes you go out. and party, but it certainly makes you. appreciate. >> You're not putting the fun back in. funeral. >> We are putting the fun in funeral. [laughter]. >> Oh, I got you. >> Yeah, that's not on the streets of.

Chicago, but. >> he calls them funnels. >> That's right. That's again taking notes. [laughter]. >> Just try it. Just try one saying. This. is why I came on. I hope you uh welcome. to this funnel roll. Just try it. >> Funnel. Funnel sounds nice. Yeah, it's a. >> Yeah, it doesn't seem as da. >> Yeah. >> Okay. >> We could call We could call funnel cakes. funeral cakes just to try and switch it. back the other way. >> I don't know. I maybe went too far or. not far enough. One thing I wanted to. say is it's too loud. Sorry. [laughter].

He's always too loud. Sorry. Uh, one. thing is, you know, Josh Josh is he is. trying to put the fund back in VR and he. actually sent uh us all gifts. Uh, Josh, do you want to explain what these gifts. are? >> Yeah, please. >> Yeah. So, about about a year ago, we had. a visitor at Titan. Um, his name is Mort. and he is uh we're still getting to know. him. He's a little coffin plushy and he. we think in his prior life he was a. funeral director and has now come back. to encourage families to plan. He's. [laughter and clears throat] he's very.

cuddly. He was the uh mascot of the. Worcester Red Sox this year. He ran ran. the bases. >> My family's all from Worcester. >> Oh, he you team. The FAR team is is in. Worcester. >> Oh, >> yeah. He he lost the mascot race uh. pretty pretty badly, but he [laughter]. put in a good effort. Uh and. >> there. exactly. >> uh and so yeah. >> Well, here's the thing. I'm No, I'm not. going to hug a casket. Um [laughter]. >> I. >> Coffin. >> I'm sorry. coffin. Um, you know, uh,

it's always been strange to me when, um, you know, if you're watching a. commercial and it's for a kind of food, do you know what I mean? Like a. hamburger, and the hamburger comes out. and says, "You'll love me." And the. whenever the animal is saying, "Please. eat me." Um, and Robert Smiggle and I. once worked on a sketch that we couldn't. get on to Saturday Night Live for. obvious reasons, but it was a cartoon. hot dog and he was saying, "Convert me.

into shit." And it was all him and it's. him begging to be eaten, ingested, and. then excreted into a toilet. And because. it's the nons it's it's insane that food. would be begging you to enjoy consuming. it. This I'm getting the same vibe here. with casket, which is. >> It's more. >> more Well, it's I think Casy really. [laughter]. rolls off the tongue. >> Mort Casky. >> Yeah, exactly. >> But he's so happy. He's someone who you.

think was a funeral director, died, and. is enjoying the experience of being dead. so much that he's come back to convince. other people to die. >> I want you inside of me. [laughter]. >> To plan their funerals, not to die. To. plan their funeral. >> Oh, to plan their funeral. Yes. Not to. not to pass. He's. >> Does he profit? >> He wants you to live. >> He wants you to live, but he's here to. remind you that you've only got so much. time left. >> Mort. Uh, now let me ask you, this is a.

question I have to ask. >> Um, who's selling Mort? Who who benefits. through sales of Mort? >> I mean, we sell we sell Mort. I would. say we we've given more Morts away than. we we sell him, but he is for sale on. our our site. >> Okay. >> Um, he is. >> he is here to to help, though. Do you. sell urns as well as caskets? >> Oh, definitely. Yeah. >> And what are people looking for in an. urn? Because an ern is a much I mean, first of all, technically, you don't. need an urn. Everyone's got jars at. home. >> That's right. [laughter]. >> Yeah. For again,

>> you just got to label them. It's like. It's like yogurt in the fridge. You got. [laughter] to label it. >> Exactly. >> Well, I made the mistake. I put it in my. spice drawer. Uh, really? [laughter]. >> This ham tastes fantastic. It. >> Everything is aesthetics. [laughter]. It's uh what we tell families is to. close your eyes and envision the look. that you'd love for for this uh for your. loved one and we'll have an option for. you in that color, that style, and it'll. be affordable. >> Oh, wow. >> And so it's it's really just are you.

going to place it in your home? Are you. going to scatter in a place that that's. meaningful to you? Are you gonna you can. bury and earn and have a place to visit? >> Why would you bury and earn though? >> Like it feels like. >> people do it. I know that it's very. common. People often bury and earn. First of all, you don't have to get a. big plot. >> Okay? >> And you'll probably know the term for. this, Josh, but people want a. destination. They want to. >> they want to go visit this person. First. of all, we all know they do that for. about a year or two, and then they drift. away, and the grave goes untended. But.

[laughter]. that bell just ringing. Ding ding ding. ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding. ding [laughter] ding ding ding. I just. shout down into the earth, you ringing. [laughter]. LAY OFF THE BELL. WE'LL GET to you. I'm. busy. [laughter] Um, wow. Um, >> messed up. >> Josh, I blame you for this whole. segment. >> Yeah, >> you did this. >> Taking us to a dark place. [laughter]. >> Bring us bring us back.

>> But you know what? You have I have to. say this, Josh. You have a very uh kind. face and you seem very serene and I. think you have the kind of uh mean the. kind of uh you know aura that someone. should have who's in this business which. is you you know doesn't he you want you. seem like you're very sympathetic. You. have a lot of empathy. >> Yeah. You've got really kind eyes and if. when Conan dies I'll call I'll call.

Josh. [laughter]. Well, but also. >> really short casket. >> Yeah, really short. >> Yeah. >> I want my legs I want holes in my legs. coming out [laughter] the sides. I want. Yeah. And I And then I want them to curl. up like the wicked witch. [laughter]. >> I want them to go out and in. Out and in. and [laughter] pulse like with the. pulsing music. Have pulsing music. playing and my legs are going. [laughter]. It's diplo. This is your official funeral plan. Um,

>> yeah, this. >> unless you have it written down. elsewhere, this this podcast will. >> this will serve that I I want Josh to. handle it all. He'll get me in there. He'll cram me in. >> Perfect. [laughter] One way or another, >> you'll. >> uh I want I want nothing to do with. Mort. Mort's uh Why is Mort wearing a. bow tie? >> He's a funeral director. He's very He's. a This is a profession that people wear. suits. >> He stole it off a deadline. >> So, [laughter]. Mort. Please, let's not bring up graverobing.

I think that's [laughter]. taboo subject. Um, I don't know, Josh. I. I You got me thinking about a lot of. stuff right now. There's a lot to. consider here. >> Yes. >> And I do think we are a society that has. largely removed all thinking about. death. >> It's been removed from, you know, advertising has scrubbed away elderly. It's not discussed, right? >> Uh, so this is important. This podcast. is a way for people to really think.

about the dead, >> death, um, and, uh, what preparations. they want to make? And that leads me to. my next question. Have you ever. suspected someone of murder because they. came in and started asking about caskets. before the person died? >> I remember one person asked me about. buying caskets in bulk from Costco. [screaming]. And uh, [laughter] that's my prime. suspect. Oh, well, I sympathize with. this fellow. He must have many people. he's angry with. [laughter] I love a guy.

who's really worried about I want to. kill them all, but I've got to take care. of their arrangements. [laughter]. >> By the way, I I like this is like an. hour-long procedural. The funeral. director who solves murders. Like he's. like, I know it was foul play. >> Oh, that's right. Yeah, people. That's a. good procedural. >> That would be great. >> If this come becomes a show, Josh, you. participate. >> in the profits. Yeah. a funeral director. who just something's off. He's really. good at being a funeral director, but. bodies come in. >> They say it's natural causes, but this.

is very suspicious. >> But he's he's not a forensic scientist. He's not he's not uh Yeah. He. >> He's just a funeral director. He's like. uh like a murder she wrote. It's like. that. It's just like a small town. >> People are dying unexpectedly. >> People die. >> Yeah. And I think what happens is when. the body comes in and it's got a large. harpoon through it [laughter]. >> and other people are saying it's a heart. attack, this person's like, "I just. don't know." And they have that Columbbo. thing of they they're very nice and. they're just asking questions, but. clearly that's their their way of.

getting the truth. >> And then at the end they go, "Well, yeah, yeah, we knew it was murder. We. just didn't tell you you're just doing. the funeral directing, so yeah, you. didn't need to know that.". >> Oh, okay. [laughter] Well, sure. >> The police No, the police said, "Did you. hear that? It was in the paper 3 weeks. ago when they caught the guy. It was a. murder. >> He had a harpoon through his chest. Yeah. [laughter] Yeah. Yeah. >> Yeah. So, why are you acting like this. is a show? It's not a show, you. >> All right, Josh. >> We uh Josh, do you have a question for. Conan before we go? >> We may have answered it with all my. funeral babble. >> Absolutely. As a as a uh funeral.

visionary, Conan, um if we [laughter]. designed the perfect casket for you, uh. what would that what would that look. like? Cuz we we would love to do that. my casket. You know, I went I went to. Ghana and the people of Ghana are. brilliant at making custom caskets. It's. a tradition they've had for a long time. and beautiful woodworking where they'll. make uh if if the person was really into. a certain kind of beer, they'll the. casket will be a giant, you know, 6-foot.

>> beer bottle that's beautifully rendered. And um so they asked me it's an episode. of uh Conan O'Brien must go or no I. think Conan Without Borders. >> uh also available on the same streaming. service HBO Max. >> but anyway uh I go you can see me go to. Ghana and they ask me about my casket. and I say that I want to be able to. watch myself for all eternity and they. built me a casket with a TV that faces. in and I get in it and they close it and. I can watch on a loop.

>> Wow. my shows from, you know, the 90s. and 2000s and stuff on a steady uh. steady stream. >> and the shape is you. >> Yes, the giant you and it's Oh, I forgot. I buried the lead. Hello, home run. Um, >> but I I get inside me [laughter]. and uh we can post this photo along with. Blade. What's the lingo here? >> Uh, just Team Coco podcast on Instagram. >> Yeah. and then we'll post the photo of. uh my casket and I brought it back. We.

have it here somewhere. >> Yeah, >> we really do. We have it in storage. So, sir, no sale. [laughter]. >> I'm all taken care of. >> I I tied up all your time and I already. own my casket. [laughter]. >> It's okay. I was stealing all the ideas. we talked about in the uh the. gravestones with TVs that play ads. >> We're going to get in touch with you. about this TV show because I think. Paul's got a winner here. And I love the. idea that the police already had it. solved every every week. [laughter].

Every every week, what are you talking. about? >> Just just do your job and shut up. [laughter]. >> Hey Josh, thank you so much. Really nice. talking to you. >> You too, Con. Can I say one nice thing. before we go? >> If it's nice, of course. >> I thought I feel like this was a little. But when I was uh humor was really. important to my family growing up and. there was nothing more thrilling to me. than when my uh I saw my dad laughing at. something that I like. >> and that was often the Simpsons when you. were there. >> Oh. And now I have kids and we listen to. your podcast and watch Musco and Without.

Borders and I see my kids watching me. laugh at your show and I just think that. you've uh no one's made me laugh more in. my life than you and the generational. impact you've had as. >> Hey Josh, that mean that means the world. to me. Thank you. I'm I'm ecstatic that. that's true. Um and I will tell you. um I lost both my parents last December. Uh, and one of the things I think about. a lot is that I would watch TV with my.

dad and I would clock what he laughed at. and he really loved um Johnny Carson. when he would do Carac. So, I had this. very strong memory of watching my dad. watching this this very silly man in a. giant hat doing really funny jokes on a. late night show. And that was imprinted. on my DNA. I know it was. And so I get. what you're saying and I'm thrilled that. that's true and we're going to just keep.

trying to make more idiocy for you and. your children. And you know what? Screw. it. I'm getting I'm selling the Ghana. casket. >> No. >> And I'm going with Josh now. [laughter]. >> Okay, Josh. I'll be up there. I'll come. up there and we'll pick up something. amazing. And I'm going to spend spend. spend. I want to be buried in a Bugatti. [laughter]. that's running and you have to keep. refueling it at the cemetery. [laughter]. >> I'm coming, Josh. Thank you, Josh. Take.

care. >> Thank you so much.