Conan Learns What An Intimacy Coordinator Does On Set | Conan O'Brien Needs A Fan

Hey Brooke, how are you? >> I'm great. How are you? >> I'm doing all right. Where I don't see. where you are in the world. Where are. you? >> I'm in New York, currently in Queens. >> You're in Queens. Oh, terrific. Uh and all I know about you, it says. here and this is fascinating to me, is. that you are an intimacy coordinator. Is. that correct? >> That's correct. It's the best job in the. world. >> Yeah. >> Yeah, it is. >> Uh well, I've. >> [laughter]. >> Okay, Sona Sona, why don't you tell us. >> I'm excited.

>> Clearly Sona's the one that has thoughts. about this. [laughter]. Um. This is I mean, this job is endlessly. fascinating to me. uh and I would think it's become more. and more necessary as sex scenes, if you. think about you know, back in the day it. was a it was a kiss and then the camera. would drift over to an open window and. some billowing curtains and then. >> Mhm. >> pan back over and people are smoking. cigarettes and the covers are pulled up. to their chins. And so, obviously, as sex scenes become.

more graphic and realistic, you need. people there to make sure that. everything's copacetic. Is that correct? >> Yeah, I think the position came out of. the Me Too movement, where all of a. sudden the awareness of some of the. abuses in Hollywood became very apparent. and as a result producers started being. willing to pay for someone to be there. both for uh guaranteeing that actors can.

consent to what's being asked of them. >> Mhm. >> uh in a private setting with someone. who's not in charge of hiring or firing. them. >> Oh, right, right. >> and then also exactly what you're. saying, the artistic side of it, which. is the fun part, is making the scenes. more believable, authentic, compelling, absurd, whatever the need of that. project is. >> Okay, I mean, I'm curious, first of all, how did you become. How does one become an intimacy. coordinator?

>> Yeah, well, nowadays there's schools you. can go to, but I started back in 2016. I. was an actor for a bunch of years and I. tended to get cast in roles that. involved intimacy or trauma. and I realized that I'd taken years and. years of study. I have my MFA in. performance and all of my teachers. taught me how to get to the place of. grief or fear or. terror but not how to get back from it.

>> Got it. >> And I had a summer that I was doing. three shows in a row, three theater. shows. Um where I like cried for four. months basically in every show and I was. like, I need a way to come back to who I. am that's healthy. >> Yeah. >> So I started creating a warm down for. actors and theaters started bringing me. in to teach it. And then I'm queer, I came out late in. life and when I came out I realized. right away I wanted to tell queer. stories because I hadn't come out.

earlier because I hadn't seen. representation of bisexuality. >> Right. >> So I wanted to tell those stories but I. realized I had a straight lens. >> Yep. >> And so I took a year and every day for a. year I read something or listened to a. podcast or watched. uh. show or took a class all on queer sex. and storytelling, BDSM and kink. And. then theaters started bringing me in to. stage that bondage scene. And then one day a theater said, "Hey,

will you be our intimacy director. again?". And I was like, "Dear Google, what is an. intimacy director?" [laughter]. And. And right about that time it was being. named and people were paying for it and. I realized that this thing that I was. doing. that involved boundaries and consent, choreography and closure, which is the. warm down section there was now a field. And so I kind of had that uh. you know when people say that luck is. when preparation meets. uh. >> opportunity.

>> opportunity. >> Yep. >> Yeah. That I mean that was my journey. and it was. awesome. And then when the pandemic hit, I switched to film and TV, film first, and then I got to do my first TV scene. on June 1st, the first day of pride on. Harlem and it was a queer scene and that. was pretty awesome and I was hooked. >> Oh, well good for I mean first of all, congratulations on I'm very happy when. people find. it takes a long time. Sometimes it you. know, it can take all different amounts.

of time, but it can take a very long. time to find sort of your calling, you. know, what you what you feel like you. were put here to do and it found it. sounds like you it didn't happen. overnight, but you found it and that's. got to be incredibly rewarding. I have. to say one thing. is that I could see a lot of Charlatans. getting into the business and saying, "Yeah, I'm an intimacy coordinator." but. they're not. Are there ways that you can. say I'm licensed? Is there a license you. can get? Is there any way that they can.

patrol it so that it creeps like me. don't become intimacy coordinators. That's what I'm saying. >> You're like do it guys. >> Yeah. Hey you guys, why don't you do it? [laughter]. AND I'LL WATCH. UH CONAN, why are we doing this AT A. CAMPGROUND? >> [laughter]. >> QUIET. THIS IS MY METHOD. >> You know, this isn't even in the scene. >> Yeah. Why are you taping this with an. old super. super eight camera? >> [laughter]. >> So yeah, that's what I'm saying is what.

do. you know, we need to stop people like me. from becoming intimacy coordinator. How. are you doing that? >> I'm really glad glad you brought it up. cuz I am here specifically to stop you. from DOING THAT. [laughter]. >> YAY! >> OH, OKAY. ALL RIGHT. WELL, just try. >> [laughter]. >> Uh there isn't any licensing. There are. schools that offer certification or. accreditation or a diploma, but really. the marker, in my opinion, is SAG-AFTRA. came out with.

uh guidelines for intimacy coordinators, which is a number of. um. things you should be trained in. >> Yep. >> It adds up to a minimum, I think, of 75. hours. And then. uh in order to be on the SAG-AFTRA. registry, you have to have worked on a. SAG set for at least 60 days. So, if a producer's really looking for. someone who's super qualified, then. that's one way to tell to tell. But, I. also think asking someone about their. process is really useful because not.

every IC is great for every project. Right. And I'm a big believer that uh. you need the right IC for your project. >> I want to get into some of this cuz. there's so much I don't understand, but. >> Mhm. >> Um are there devices or kinds of. garments that people wear because you. can't really have. uh people's you know, touch touching. each other certain parts, right? So, what's What What is the barrier to that? What is cuz I've always heard that there. are these things and I you hear about it.

and you go like, I don't know what. they're talking about. >> Yeah. Um you're exactly right, it's. called a barrier. >> Okay. >> Um and if it's a SAG-AFTRA film, there. can be no actual sex acts. So, a barrier can look a number of ways. Uh it could look like this. >> Oh yeah. >> This is um. >> That is the least sexy thing I've ever. seen. >> [laughter]. >> So, then I went, "Oh, yes." And you're. basically holding up. what looks like a giant iPad. >> [laughter]. >> And then I was like, "Oh, yeah.". >> WHICH IS I'M GLAD THERE'S I'M GLAD she.

has props with her. Yeah. >> Okay. Oh, okay. So, what is that? >> You're correct that sometimes filming. these scenes is the least sexy thing. you'll ever do. This is a modesty. garment with a barrier. It's made by. Covair in New York. And basically, this. is for someone with external genitalia. Some might call that a penis. And basically, you would put all everything in here. And then you would pull it tight. And then it's taped to the top of like.

right below your belly button. And. inside. is a barrier. And a barrier is meant to reduce. sensation and prevent the transmission. of fluids. >> Okay. A couple of things here. First of all, that thing seems huge. What do you do with all the extra room? >> [laughter]. >> Is that for. Is that for cash and credit cards, too? >> [laughter]. >> Absolutely. >> Cell phone? I'm just looking at that. thing and I'm thinking like there's a. lot of extra room. [laughter].

You know, I don't know what kind of. freaks you're working with. >> [laughter]. >> But um. I'm keeping a book in there. >> [laughter]. >> But Brooke, um. uh. okay. Fluids. >> [laughter]. >> Yeah. >> We have to talk about this. Is this. something and I'm I'm asking if you're. listening right now and there are. children in the car, um you know, what. are you doing? Uh. >> [laughter]. >> But do people get themselves in a state. while they're acting where there could. be various secretions?

>> Honestly, not very often if at all. >> Okay. >> Um. if someone were to get aroused, for. example, there are lots of things you. can do to. let that go. I usually have to act to do. >> That's what I do. Just think about 1975. Red Sox and it all goes away. Oh wait, no, it comes back with a. vengeance. >> [laughter]. >> Start thinking about. Dwight Evans. That's a good-looking man. over there in. >> Yeah.

>> right field. Anyway, um. uh so, it doesn't happen that often. What is Oh my god. What is the thing. that's depicted uh in most sex scenes. that you see that's the most inaccurate? Do you know what I mean? Something where. you're like. >> Yeah. >> they always do this in scenes and it's. not how it really works. >> Well, two things actually I would say. One, um. a like very fast orgasm where it's like. we started touching and now we're all. orgasming together at the same time.

>> Yeah. >> Um but the other I would say is we often. don't see the moment of like. insertion. >> Mhm. >> where, you know, like all of a sudden. they're just having sex. >> Yeah. >> But in real life, it takes some effort. for the penis to find a vagina, for. example. And [snorts]. >> You mean the actual moment of. coordinating this part goes into this. part and it takes a second, right? >> Yeah. And I think cuz we're not actually.

doing it, people forget that there needs. to be that moment of reaction of like, "Oh, something new has happened.". Whether it's a breath or a slight shift. or something. >> Yes. Well, first of all, thank you for. getting the word out there that. sometimes there can be some fumbling. >> [laughter]. >> Uh-huh. >> Uh. some some confusion about what goes. where. Uh. it's. Well, no, hold on a second. >> [laughter]. >> Maybe one knows the hole, but it's dark.

You're getting yelled at. >> [laughter]. >> Do you know what I mean? >> You're getting yelled at? >> Yeah. What are you doing? You've never. got How can so many years and you didn't. get better? That kind of [laughter]. thing. Often times you're trying to eat a. sandwich with one hand. You know, cuz. you didn't get a chance to eat after THE. PODCAST. >> [laughter]. >> I'M speaking very generally. >> Absolutely. >> You know, you've got you're looking, you're trying to watch uh. you know, television at the same time.

>> on television. >> [laughter]. >> Well, old of yourself. Not current clips, but old clips of the. TBS show and before that the NBC show. >> Oh, okay. >> Uh. >> [clears throat]. >> Specific. >> No, my point is that's yes, they can. almost make it look uh yes, like there's. no human moment when something has. begun. It's just wham bam. >> I think that's important. I think so. much of intimacy is about reaction. So,

if we don't have those moments of. reaction, >> Yep. >> we lose it. And so much of us get our. education from media, our sexual. education. And so, when we show these things that. are. impossible. And of course, we can. dramatize things, but we're doing we're. doing a disservice to folks. >> Well, cuz people now watch these things. and they think, "Oh, uh you know, it's easy to do it standing. up in the kitchen.". Um you know what I mean? And it's.

>> Yeah. >> I'm telling you it's not. It's not easy. Especially if the fridge is open. It's. cold. [laughter]. You know what I mean? >> Huh? >> And then you try to incorporate cake. batter that's nearby. Well, cuz you see it, you think this. will be a good idea, and then you get. yelled at again. >> I need to throw up. >> [laughter]. >> This is so gross. Brooke, cake batter, come on. I can't. I got to go. >> Where you going? You got nowhere to go. >> [laughter]. >> Good. Go. >> Uh what do you use Do you use drawings,

charts? What do you do to try and. instruct people when you're explaining. how the sex scene should work? >> All kinds of things. Sometimes I just. use my words. Like uh sometimes I do use. images. Um sometimes I use action figures. I. have some here. >> figures? >> So, you've got We've got. >> [laughter]. >> We've got a little position. >> happening there? I need to try and. figure out what's happening. >> So, this gentleman on the bottom is. laying down enjoying himself. >> tell. >> the sex was of that person because it's. looks like a Lego.

>> up, one knee on the ground, one foot up, and. he's pleasuring this guy, and if we. wanted to turn it into a threesome, >> Right. >> [laughter]. >> we could just add her. >> Okay, she's underneath. >> onto his leg, and she's she's fisting. >> Oh, she's fisting? >> Oh, okay. >> going to fist this guy. >> She's she's pushing her fist Okay, so. all right, this that is. two. males and one Right? What What Describe. what's happening here. >> and in this case it's two men and one. woman.

>> You've got to check out the video, by. the way, and it's on YouTube. You've got. to see it. Uh it's incredible. >> This would be a kind of particularly. difficult scene to just talk through. >> Yeah, I mean, try to. Try to explain that. That's a. >> Yeah, so I have after eight in the. morning. >> It's a You don't know The stairs are. turning into more stairs, are turning. into more I mean, it's a very confusing. >> [laughter]. >> That's a Dali painting. There's a. melting clock in the corner. Uh so, yeah. Okay, I see what's happening. That's not. a situation that it probably comes along.

every day, you know. >> No, not that one specifically. >> Yeah, probably not. >> And what movie was that for? Is that Toy. Story 5? What is that? >> [laughter]. >> Oh, no. >> You just. You just got FIRED FROM IT? THEY'RE NOW EDITING me out [laughter] of. Toy Story 5 as we speak. Don't worry, it's a $100 million fix at the last. second. [laughter]. Pixar has the money. Um. So, you have those. those figurines ready to go. I mean, it's not like you have to improvise with. a GI Joe and a Thor and an Iron Man,

right? >> [laughter]. >> No, I have a whole kit of stuff I bring. to set. >> I bet you do. >> the barriers you saw, these guys. I use. this for a barrier sometimes. >> that? That looks like a turkey. >> just a Squishmallow, but sometimes if. someone's having a rough day, it's a. little bit hilarious if I just put this. between the two people, um because you can't have a bad day when. you've got a Squishmallow near you. >> [laughter]. >> So. >> I think I'm aware that I'm not an actor. every time a true actor every time I see.

a sex scene and I think I don't know how. these people do this. You know, because. there's 75 people around them. and. I just can't imagine how they do it. Orgasm, you know, pretending to orgasm. Um, it's just. in you know, and then there's a sound. guy, you know, 2 [clears throat] in away from you who. just had a liverwurst sandwich and you.

know what I mean? >> Yeah. >> Or a chew tobacco and it's insane. >> Absolutely. I mean, this is why we don't. get aroused very often cuz there's all. these people around. But you could do it. if you wanted to Conan because it's. actually so technical. Like I worked with an actor recently on. an orgasm and we choreographed it. We. like voiceographed it with what the. breaths were going to be, what the vocal. sounds were going to be so that she. didn't have to make any of it up. It was. ready to go.

Anyone can do it if they want to do it. >> Okay, but here's my question. Um. do people ever cuz sometimes they're. drawing from personal experience. So. when an actor. is pretending to orgasm, they're really. telling you often what they sound like. or the sounds they make which is very. personal, right? Isn't that kind of. strange? Has anyone ever revealed their. sounds to you and you're like, oh boy. Do you know what I mean?

>> Well. >> Well, I'm just saying. >> [laughter]. >> I'm going to take this a little further. >> Oh, no. >> Let's say you were working with me and I. was in a movie where it's required that. I have sex, okay? And there's a scene and you say, okay. Conan and I'll say, well, let me I. freestyle the first one. >> [laughter]. >> Yeah. we've got the little squishy. between me and the in my you know the. actress. and squish squish squish and I'm there. and I'm going I just you hear me. freestyle I'm going. >> [clears throat].

>> Walt Whitman, you know. [laughter]. And you realize that. Oh Jesus Christ those are the sounds. Conan makes and then when he reaches his. climax he shouts the name of one of our. great poets Walt Whitman. I mean I've just revealed to you and I. think I just did right now. >> [laughter]. >> to the world. >> everybody listening what my jam is. That's my jam.

>> I think that's one of the reasons that. it's so important to have an intimacy. coordinator because actors should not. have to bring their personal experience. to set. [laughter]. >> Brooke is good at her job. >> I know. >> So you're saying you would prevent me. you would prevent me from using my true. noises and my certain peccadillos in a. scene. >> I would give you the opportunity to do. something that the character would do. >> [laughter]. >> rather than. what you're suggesting. >> character's name is Conan O'Brien?

>> [laughter]. >> And he's a tall Irish guy from Boston. >> You know what you go for it. >> Okay. I just I think it's endlessly. fascinating and I bet you they're always. coming up with new technology. They're. going to keep coming up with new things. like here's a spray that the guy can put. on his penis that encases it in a inert. goo. that will you know keep his penis from. becoming a route you know they'll come. up with all kinds of crazy new stuff you. know. I know they will.

>> I don't think they have. >> I want this spray. >> [laughter]. >> Come on science. Hey NASA let's get on. it. >> [laughter]. >> That's what we need is NASA in the. intimacy coordinator. I think we could make a partnership. here. >> I'm just saying, um, I do think all. foolishness aside, which is a lot of. foolishness aside, but. um, it's really good that you're there. doing this. Uh, and and it's stunning to. me that it took so long.

for people to realize that, you know, we. need someone on set to make sure that. the actor is. taken care of and has an. an advocate, you know, in the moment. And when you said, I mean, things that. there should be so obvious, but you. can't be talking to the director or the. producer who can be who can have you. fired. You need to be talking to you, Brooke. You're there telling them, "I'm on your side and let's make this.

work for you." So, that's I mean, that's. huge. That's a great service you're. providing. >> Yeah, and I find that actors, if they're. given all the information, they're ready to go for it. Most often, there's not an issue, but often in the. past, actors weren't given the. information in advance and things. weren't choreographed, so it was just. like, "Go for it." And then you are. bringing your personal experience cuz. that's what you know. >> Yeah. >> Uh, whereas now, we can say, "Oh, you've. got a boundary about blank? Great. Let's.

talk through the story. Let's bring the. director three other options that will. work with your boundaries and. that works with the story and see how we. can all make this work in a way that. works for everyone, so that on the day, the actor isn't worried about the. intimacy. They're able to really dig in. to the acting and. give it their all. >> Have you ever seen a couple. kind of. start to. form a relationship when they're, you.

know, there's they clearly have feelings. for each other? You see like, "Oh, this. isn't just acting." Have you ever seen. that? >> Yeah, honestly, it happens quite. frequently because our body is. um respond to. physical touch, to eye contact, to. breath. So, our bodies can tell us we're. actually attracted to someone even when. we're not, and that's part of why. closure practices are helpful to. differentiate between when I am the. character and when I am myself. >> Yep. >> Um and if it's theater we're talking.

about and two actors start to become. involved, it's really important that the. choreography doesn't grow with the. actors' relationship because that then. isn't telling the character's story. anymore. >> Mhm. >> Uh so, a stage manager, for example, is. in charge of keeping that choreography. really precise so that it doesn't change. uh. because that's just not professional. It's. >> just see that happening all the time. though, people and it does. People are. in a movie together, they fall in love. or or you know, they start a. relationship because they have been.

kissing each other and rolling around. >> They're rubbing each other. >> What did you say? >> They're rubbing They're rubbing each. other. >> they're wearing their their barriers. >> Yeah, but you know, you're rubbing. >> barriers have all that extra room, so. they have Tic Tacs in there, an alarm [laughter] clock, um. >> An alarm clock? >> Yeah, the one they got from their. great-grandfather. >> [laughter]. >> Just saying that barrier HAD A LOT OF. EXTRA ROOM. YOU KNOW, A UH THEY CAN'T BE sized to. fit the actors. What's that? A Dr. Pepper? What's that?

>> [laughter]. >> Size them. >> Oh good god, thank you. >> Yeah. >> You know, I just don't like to waste. material. Uh Brooke, fascinating what you do. It really is. It really is fascinating and I'm happy. for you that you. uh. that you realized this talent and you're. helping people. And it's a very It's. It's great. It's really great. >> Thanks. >> You will never see me on a set having an. intimate scene. >> [laughter]. >> That's I will I will always be the. weirdo.

in the other room. >> [laughter]. >> in any sex scene who peers in. occasionally that'll be my role. So you can teach me how to peer. Brooke, thank you so much for everything and. take care and I'll see you on set. >> Thanks for having me. I appreciate it. Anytime people talk about IC work it. gets more normalized. So I really. appreciate you. >> Normalized? What about me going. Walt Whitman? Normalized. Brooke, you called the wrong. place.

>> [laughter]. >> Thanks Brooke.