Conan Introduces The New & Improved Bley | Conan O'Brien Needs A Friend

All right, we are fresh off a huge. argument Yeah. >> the studio. Um that was a brawl. That was an all-out. brawl. >> And I'll tell you what was going on, and. part of me wishes that we were rolling. on this, but I guess that's expensive. Is that right, Eduardo? Is that why you. don't roll on things that are really. captivating? I try to protect you at all. times. >> Yeah, okay. Um we were thinking about. what we were going to talk about in this. segment, and um I don't know if anyone. else wants to agree with me or disagree. with me, but I hope agree with me. Um. Blay, you started you pitched an idea,

and you're like, "Oh, you guys could. talk about. and I said, um yeah, I don't know." And. then you went, "Okay, another idea.". And and then I said, "Well, I'm not" And. then you said, "Hey, and a third one.". And I said, "Hey, just slow your roll, man." You were like someone put 15. quarters into a pitch machine, and they. were firing in at 90 mph, and I was. getting hit by fastballs left and right. And I was like, "Calm down and let the. creative process happen." And then um uh. and then I said to Sona, you said, "Well, I'm not going to say anything.".

And I said, "Well, no, it would be nice. you had an idea." And then Can we just. clarify something? This and this is for. the recording. We don't need to edit. this out. This is a Thursday episode. where we normally do a fan episode. And. so, we're trying to come. >> were like Yeah. >> you know, and. listen, we ran out of fans. We should. just tell people right now. Worldwide, um done. We're done. We talked to all. 111 of our fans. >> That's right. >> Worldwide, some of them three times, and. they would put on mustaches and. different accents. We tried to fill it out as much as we.

could, and then we officially. uh talked to the last fan, and we didn't. have a fan this week. Um I think it's. actually more complicated than that. >> Yeah. And then And we should say that. that's that's what we're doing here is. we're using this episode to We were. first pitching ideas, and then it got. into the talking about pitching. And. then I have a quick question. What the. is a pitch machine? Yeah. Do you. mean like a baseball pitch machine? >> Baseball batting cage. >> it's also like it's can be double cuz. he's pitching things. Yeah, yeah. That's nice. It has a double.

meaning. But it I think you gave it more. than he ever intended. >> No, I'm sorry. Yeah. >> do both. Okay. T.S. Eliot thought about. his words before he uh put them to the. page. >> could we could we then talk about what. Eduardo said? >> Well, just a second. There's a THING. THAT I'M. SONA, THERE'S A THING I'M SENSITIVE TO, which is having. pretty much grown up in writers' rooms. and been in them all the time, you would. get sometimes in a situation where one. writer's like, "Hey, we could do ba ba. ba ba ba ba ba ba ba." And it's a little.

like that that small dog straining. against the leash. Well, here it was a large dog with uh. gray hair and a beard who was saying, "And we could do this and we could do. that and we could do that." And I was. just trying to say, "Slow it down just a. little bit." Um you are you are forcing. all the ground water out, and we need to. just let it sit for a second and let the. aquifer refill. And that's I'm a master. of analogies, and that's a good one. And so, that's all I was trying to get. to, Blay, and I respect your ideas, and.

occasionally there's a good one, but. um. I I just thought you had to slow it down. a bit. Okay. I I I do think. >> third idea that we didn't that I didn't. hear? >> to discuss your first two? >> Well, no, I don't want to hear the first. two. Those weren't good ideas. >> I see you see it as as let's let the. ground water fill up. I'm saying I'm. trying to throw kindling. Like I I see. Here's how I see it. Here's how I see. it. I see it as. >> You said, "Here's how I see it" I think. 10 times. But then you never say how you. see it. Here's how I see it is YEAH.

YEAH, HOW I SEE IT IS this room is full. of creative, smart people. I don't see. that. What are you looking. And we're a bunch of mouse traps. >> Well, I'm sorry, I don't HAVE A MIRROR. LISTEN. AND SO, I AM TRYING to throw. ping pong balls into the mouse trap.

room. Yeah, but And then something. bounces off something, and then. something bounces off something, and. then you come up with something. >> could also. just How about this? Pitch an idea, Blay, from now on, and. then count to 70. 70? >> 70 minutes. And then pitch another one. How about. that? >> from the no bad ideas brainstorming. school, and I appreciate that. >> Thank you. Yeah. And I come from the. mostly bad ideas school, cuz most of my. career has been pitching and listening. to bad ideas. That's just how it is.

>> down at any turn school. Well, listen, I. think that's a little unfair, and I'm. ready for your apology now. See, shut me. down. >> But what what we had talked about right. before we were rolling was Sona said, "You know, I bet if Eduardo pitched the. same idea, you would say yes." Eduardo. actually said that. >> Eduardo said that, and I agree with. that. I think you like Eduardo's ideas. more than my ideas, even. >> Listen to you right now. They're the. same. >> No, listen to you yourself right now, Blay. Okay. >> Listen to the tone of your voice. You. lean into the microphone like you're a.

dog chewing a T-bone steak, and you. shout. Yes. Now, Eduardo has something. called EQ and rizz. Um I would do him in a Mississippi. minute. >> Oh my god. >> Well, now we have our pitch. Is this a. version of heated rivalry? >> the people here that work for you that. you want to do them? You have to stop. doing it. You did it to David Melman. You did it to Eduardo. Yeah. No, you. have to stop. >> Go around the office and start telling. people you don't want to do them. Wait, here's a pitch. Here's a pitch. Heated.

rivalry podcast. A podcast heated. rivalry. You and Eduardo Look at you. I wish people could see what I see. Where's my camera? Right here? This is. This is Blay. Look at that. This is Blay right now, and if you can get our video, check it. out. Blay grabs it, and he looks at me, AND HE SAYS, "HEY, HERE'S AN IDEA." NOW, here's what. I've found in life. If you start. screaming and leaning into people's. faces, they will retreat and ask you to. be quiet. Here's what Eduardo does that I think.

gives him a sort of sensual charm. Uh Eduardo says things quietly, and he. says them um with a sense of. self-respect. He says he has a sort of. >> yourself. >> he has a take it or leave it kind of. "Oh, we could do this." Whereas Blay's. thing is I've got to get this used car. off the lot immediately, or everyone's. going to die. And that makes people. uneasy. Blay, you're the guy in the store.

following someone around saying, "Can I. help you? Can I help you? Can I help. you? Can I help you?". >> I used to work at Kmart, and I did do. that. >> Yeah. And you know what? You put Kmart. out of business. They don't exist. anymore. You were also worked for Lechmere's, Sears. All those stores that went out of. business in the '90s and 2000s, Blay. worked there for a while, and they saw a. sudden plummet. You would have done so. well at The Gap. I worked at The Gap in. the early '90s, and they would force us. to do that, and I was so uncomfortable. I'd just go hide behind clothes, cuz I. didn't want to bother people, you.

I would respond to that. >> You would? >> I like I like when people have. enthusiasm and come up to me excited. about things. I like that. How much. insurance have you bought? I have like 12 timeshares. He was enthusiastic. I had to. Um Blay, and I'm not putting you down, BUT I THINK I. [Applause]. I DON'T THINK I'VE SAID I THINK IF YOU. LOOK AT THE TRANSCRIPTS, I HAVEN'T said. one negative thing about you. I'm not. putting you down. I'm passionately.

insulting you. Do you agree that my body my. impersonation of Blay's body language. and tone is not far off? Do you agree? Uh. I I feel like it it's a mean version of. that. Yeah. >> Yeah. Yeah, that's okay. No, I'm I'm I'm on team Blay here. And. you know what I you do, which is. something you do all the time, is you. can go crazy, and then when you're. talking about Eduardo, you kind of take. on Eduardo's like you start talking more. calmly, >> Yeah. Which is not how you talk. Which.

is not how you talk. You're not that. guy. You're not that guy. You're more. LIKE THAT GUY. YOU'RE NOT THAT GUY. You're that guy. Sona, your argument. implies that I'm in some way. self-loathing or self-hating. [Laughter]. And you can look at all the evidence. from a 40-year career and see it's just. not the case. Uh Eduardo, uh you continue to impress. You're. spectacular. Uh he's he's just got that he's And. guess what I'm wearing right now?

I'm wearing a sweatshirt that Eduardo. gave me. Oh. >> That's how much of an Eduardo fan I am. And you know what? I'd like to put on a. sweatshirt you gave me, Blay, but there isn't one. I see what's going on here. I It's all. about bribery. I get it. I get it. So, I'm going to You know what? I'm going to. get you a couple sweatshirts. >> You do grab You're not helping. So, I. Did you say You just grabbed the mic. Yes. You and you swiveled it around to. you, and guess what? It's not even a. swivel mic. You bent the iron bar,

uh and you pulled it around to you, but. you grab it. >> Well, but Eduardo and I have to share a. mic, and it's very you know Why are you. shouting? Seriously. Why are you shouting? Adam, you're at. least fair. These two love to jump on. the maestro. Uh. Does Blay shout? Does he Is he Can he be. a little loud? I mean, that's it's not a. it's not a question. Of course he Of. course he shouts. >> there's empirical evidence to tell you. that. We have actual. video, yes. It's a fact. Meet us. What.

happens Eduardo, what happens to your. sensitive machinery when Blay grabs the. mic and starts pitching with the. microphone halfway down his esophagus? >> I do have to ride Blay's levels. constantly. >> Yeah. That's just That is technical. proof. That's all that is. Now, I don't. think you have to ride my levels nearly. as much. >> Not as much as Not as much. is. >> loud. >> What's the spectrum of level writing. here? Hey, Blaze, you're consistent. All.

right. Eduardo, what's the spectrum of. level writing here in this room? Like. who Blaze is at one end. >> probably Conan who I'm writing because. you can you can get very quiet. >> I have a great idea Yes. >> which then happens a lot. >> You're dynamic. >> When I'm when I'm touched by uh God's. inspiration um I tend to uh get louder. to really really knock it out of the. park. And it might be one of the reasons. uh why uh we're just adored and beloved.

Possibly. Or it could be our our ads. I. don't know. Take your pick. But yes, I know that I I. uh. Peaks and valleys. >> I'm painting a I'm painting a picture. and I'm using uh a wide range of colors. On the palette. >> Yes. Well, meanwhile, Blaze is like I. said consistently at a high level. Yeah. You are You know what you would be great. as if you could time travel an air raid. warden. In World War II in the Blitz. You know. what I mean? You would people would. immediately know we've got to get out of.

here. Or yeah, or a town crier. Yeah. Yeah. Well, no, cuz no one would get to. sleep. Oh. Yeah, the town crier had to. ride the levels, too. So, these these are this is a. complicated conversation and I am just. happy that people get an inside look at. our dynamic. Do we fight? Uh yes, we do. Do we disagree? Yes, we. do. Do I always win because uh I am. Stalin? Yes. Yes, I do. So, moving for. moving forward Mhm. Could you get Could. you get Thank you. Me Could you give me.

some tips cuz I want to learn. I want to. learn. >> You're going up again. Why not? Why not? I heard it, too. I want to learn. and be better. Are there What are the. top three things I could just write them. down and have a little post-it note here. and then when it's time to speak up, I. can look at the post-it note. What. should be on the post-it note that I. should write to remind myself to be. better? What are some tips? Well um. >> god, there's a big sign. Be Eduardo. You should be asking. Eduardo, not Conan. Oh, okay. Touché. Eduardo Be Eduardo. Eduardo, what are.

some things I could I could do to be. better and not as annoying? Take a deep breath. Oh. That's good. Seriously. No, there are people that. wear a bracelet that says breathe or. they get breathe tattooed on their hand. >> Okay. I I think you push a lot of air. out. And look. Am I that different? No. Uh is there. some thought that goes into it? Probably. But. you're constantly pushing out and I. think you do need to take a breath.

Okay. >> and and there is a there can be a people. can. miss uh perceive that there's a uh. desperation involved. >> Oh. Which I don't think there is. You're. not desperate. You've I you've been. employed by me for how many years? Uh. since 2001, so that's 25 years. That's. good math. I just take the current year. and take one away. >> That's how we did it, yeah. Um so uh you. I'm a. I just listened to what I said. I just Here's the true story. I just.

listened to that come out of my head and. part of my brain went, "You're a dick.". >> Yeah, but then you smiled. >> YEAH. YEAH. YEAH. You took it as a. compliment. You took YOUR OWN ADVICE. WAIT, that part of my brain is. high-fiving the other part of my brain. >> god. Wait, this is crazy. Two synapses. just formed little hands and high-fived. each other. That's so crazy. I don't think that's ever happened. If I. was in an MRI Just Just did those avatar. tail tail Yeah.

No, if I was in in an MRI machine right. now, you'd see two parts of the brain go. form two gloved hands like Mickey Mouse. four-fingered gloved hands and go, So anyway, uh. Yeah, I just think that's a that's a. really good Let's take a breath. All. right. Um this isn't going to last. You. know that. You're going to go have I'm. going to have a. >> 70 You're going to have like a giant. glass of you get a sugar high and start. yelling again. Let's test it out. Okay. Let's see if you can just go in the mode. of Eduardo right now and pitch us any.

idea. Yeah, pitch us an idea. Oh, and. wipe all the sweat OFF YOUR FACE. [Laughter]. WELL, EDUARDO'S NOT SWEATING. >> LIKE YOU JUST talked a 747 a passenger. who took over the helm of a 747 down. onto the tarmac safely and you're like, Okay, let's go. Here we go. Okay, uh. ladies and gentlemen, the new Blaze. Hi, Blaze. You're buttoned up buttoned up. one. Yeah. Okay, let me wipe off this. beard dandruff off. I got it. Dude, don't say beard dandruff. Buttoned up?

Yeah, yeah, buttoned up. Yeah, I'M DOING. WHAT EDUARDO SAYS. TWO LOOSE. HEY, you. know what I love? He is the sensei now. That's true. Eduardo is your sensei. Okay. Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd. like to introduce Wait, not the top. button. Oh my god. He looks like every. nerd in a nerd movie. Take that button. off. Why don't you Why don't you do both. buttons? There you go. Okay, here we go. Ladies. and gentlemen. I'd like you to meet. the new 2026 Blaze. Hi, Blaze. How are. you?

I'm doing great. Good. Thanks. Very. good. But not an asthma breath. Yeah. Breathe it off, Mike. Oh, oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I'm doing great. Thank you for. >> all right? >> Yes, thank you for having Okay. And um. do you have any thoughts about segments. we could do in the near future? >> Yeah, yes, I do have a thought. Um. recently uh. you uh were reported as. >> Now you just seem depressed. Does anyone. else I HE'S TRYING TO BE. I CAN'T DO THIS. YOU'RE VERY YOU'RE very. depressed now and I'm What I was going. to say was hold on. Hey, you know what? I loved you in Hamnet.

You were great. Lean back, not into the. mic. You know what I mean? Well, the mic. doesn't go that far back. The mic. doesn't have to be in your mouth. It's. so unnatural. >> Okay. Uh I had an idea. Now he's too loud. Now you're too loud. Just try. Okay, I had an idea which was. uh you said you're not looking for any. more after if I had legs, I'd kick you. You weren't looking for any more. dramatic. >> roles. I thought it'd be fun to come up. with this segment where you you are like.

Daniel Day-Lewis, you're in retirement. What kind of roles you would come back. to that back to acting for? Oh, okay. Well, I think that's uh That's a good. pitch. uh that's a fine pitch. Yeah. I. really do. Yeah, he he came he came back. to acting. >> Oh, he's gripping the mic again. It's so crazy. You cannot be I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I think Matt's note about the. posture actually is huge. When I saw. Blaze leaning back, I was like, "Oh, this is this is actually No, no, you. should We should get duct tape and We. should Let's just see what cradle you're. in, you know? I'm just sweating. Beard.

dandruff. We should get duct tape and tie him to. his chair. Tie his abdomen to his chair. That That's my idea. Okay, I think. that's fine and just to bring up people. up to date, I uh I I. small part of a movie. Fine part of it. You're pretty big part. >> good part, yeah. Pretty good part in a. movie called If I Had Legs, I'd Kick. You, which has gotten a lot of critical. acclaim um mostly because of the. incredible writing and directing of uh. Mary Bronstein Yeah. And the performance. >> performance of a lifetime uh by Rose.

Byrne, which is really saying something. cuz I adore her. So um yeah, I did this. role and people thought I acquitted. myself well and there's been some. question would I do another movie role. and I say. that's a good idea, Blaze. Maybe we. leave it to the fans. to tell me in a nice calm tone if they. have any ideas of the kind of role I. should play. I mean serious pitches not. you're a rooster, you're Woody.

Woodpecker, that kind of stuff. Hey, I. have an idea because this is a solid. pitch. Why don't. >> Thank you. >> we take this pitch and do a two-parter. to this episode. >> it. I love it. >> So next time we come back, we've got the. pitch settled. By this time, Blaze, he's. just rolling in trim cuz he's so cool. and collected. Trim? You mean gash? Uh-huh. I mean, yeah. You mean that sweet slit? I'm talking. about some serious trench. Jesus. I'm so glad I don't know what you're. talking about. Uh wait a minute. Are we.

off PBS now? Do you want to apologize to Blaze? You made him sweat a lot. Uh no, I don't. think I did. Oh. >> I was. He's crying. He's really I'm sorry. You. made him very vulnerable this entire. time. This was a You know what this was? I was a very, very good. tough but effective therapist and I. think I made a big change in Blaze's. life. Thank you. And I hope a big change. in my life cuz you'll stop. Yeah, yeah. I helped him. You really.

feel like you think he helped you? I. Yeah. Yeah. He did it. Sona, if I didn't. care about Blaze, I wouldn't yell at him. and belittle him. Oh my god. Okay, let's let's wrap this. up and um next week let us return and uh. maybe explore this concept that a. soft-spoken Blaze had which got our. attention. Which is discussing uh my. next movie role. So um. we'll see you soon.