Conan Helps His Staffer Sam Find A Date | Conan O'Brien Needs A Friend

hello and welcome to a special episode. of Conan O'Brien needs a friend this is. a little different today is the day. after Valentine's Day special day did. you have a nice Valentine's Day Sona I. did did your husband get you anything. nice yeah okay he got me a you're acting. very weird cuz I'm almost as if we taped. this before Valentine's. Day and you're you are completely unable. to pretend doesn't he usually get you. flowers or something he got me flowers. uhhuh then we and your favorite.

chocolate yeah yeah that's such good. chocolate and then we ate at a. restaurant and um wow compelling story. no one tells it like you what about you. Matt will you have a nice Valentine's. Day even though we're taping ahead of. time but was it a good Valentine's Day. yeah we uh ate at the top of the Empire. State Building and then watched Taken on. a blimp nice okay oh we're making. up then no no okay well I went to Paris. and I just got back this morning oh. really yeah we did you meet did you meet. your frch character and what did he.

sound like yeah he was like welcome to. Paris oh my God welcome Happy. Valentine's Day to you America can't. believe you didn't make it they don't do. as an improviser they don't uh do. Valentine's Day in in Paris have you. ever thought of auditioning for sign out. live just doing your French character. and and just taping a big fake mustache. under your nose yeah I should a fake. mustache what does the mustache do it's. just your French guy my my French guy. doesn't have a mustache he's clean. shaven oh then he's not French okay.

uh listen it is the day after. Valentine's Day a very special day for. many where they are are either sad about. uh their lonely Valentine's Day or quite. delighted with the romance of that very. special time or happy with their non-. relationship Valentine's Day that's the. third one I was getting to I didn't mean. mean to make it sound like there were. only two oh no no that was just me. getting to the big and I think the best. one which is being being very happy.

being uh just on your own for the time. being or forever whichever you prefer. and either one's okay we have limited. time anyway I should point out this is a. 15-hour segment we have a special guest. joining us today someone who uh works on. the show The the podcast here at the. podcast company uh. podcast podcast Empire really if you. will. awward more of a conglomerate that's. like saying standard oil is just an oil.

company well no it really is an octopus. if you will what uh takes Teddy. Roosevelt has to break it up but that's. not the point the point is Sam is here. Hi Sam how are you hi I'm good were you. waiting for me to get around to the. point of this show podcast I've been. here a while yeah see watched you get. older as you've been sitting here Sam. you're quite young and you've been. working here at Conan O'Brien uh needs a. friend for how long uh like two and a. half years I think yeah yeah you having. a good time sure. okay going to no but she meant no I know.

she she wasn't very enthusiastic at all. very much behaving like a prisoner of. war making a tape but. anyway Sam uh what is your job title. here I understand you recently got a. promotion I did I am now the social. media producer oh very nice very good. well you do a terrific job thank you I. like working with you and with Ruthie. very much you guys are cool and you seem. to tolerate me your Vibe very much is I. will tolerate Conan yeah I feel that.

okay well. anyway pleasure working with you as well. Sam uh Sam we had you in here because. rumor and you know how people talk in an. office rumors that you are freshly. single I am and um anything you want to. say about that is backstory uh it's are. you sad about this breakup was it time. no it was time it was time yeah it was. it was a short one okay well like I said. you're young this is what you're. supposed to to be doing just be uh.

meeting different people hitting it and. quitting it hell yeah oh yeah plowing. and okay take it. easy chowing I don't know that wasn't. going anywhere that was awful plowing. and chowing that's. fantastic Sam yeah you went through this. breakup you are newly single I don't. know I've been married for a long time. so I don't know anything about the. dating apps are you on the apps uh no no. are you thinking of going on an app yeah. yeah are you are are you averse to an.

app or you're you're ready to do it no. no I that is how I historically have. dated okay and I most people I most. young people I meet today uh use dating. apps and many of them quite successfully. oh yeah my last two relationships were. from the apps yeah is there an app that. you favor in particular and this is not. a commercial so you can say whatever you. want we're not getting paid by anybody. you know bumble's a good one I like that. hinge is good tinder's bad stay away. from Tinder tell me what is it I just. want to know as kind of of a a friend an.

employer and a kind of a pervy Guy. what's the problem what's the problem. with Tinder it feels very like hit it. and quit it kind of plow it and Chow it. plow it and Chow it yeah right um it's. just a little scary and bagot okay. baggot bagot yeah baggot used to mean. like let's get out of here you know you. shag and then you bag you know no it. sounds like you shag it and then you're. murdering it and you put it in a bag. that's listen if your thing that's what.

happens you got to if you're going to. murder someone you got to clean up after. yourself so so so you like Bumble yeah. you taking notes here remember if you. murder always clean up okay I want to be. that PSA if you murder I'll be the. Smokey the Bear is to. what we hope you don't have to murder. but if you do if you do hey keep it. clean someone else is going to rent that. apart hey that crawl space might be. needed by someone else okay so Bumble. and I hear a lot of good things about. hinge Hing is a good one Hing is great.

how can we help you I want to help you. uh I know that you are indifferent to me. but I like you I really like that you. work at at the company and you're. bringing your creativity and your social. media smarts and and and benefiting us. so I want to help you yeah what do you. think I could do to help I don't know I. think you know help me with my prompts. and all that okay let's do that we can. actually bring this profile up on the. screens we've kind of done a little bit.

do we have that kind of Technology we do. okay oh oh look at that you look great. are beautiful photos thank you I think. this I love that I love those photos. Okay so I'm looking at your Bumble date. profile and those are really nice. pictures thank you uh and I would just. like to put in my own comment about Sam. which is incredibly cool and you seem. like you have a very amazing sense of. humor and so I think that's the cone and. seal of approval but let's go through. the prompts and tell me how I can help.

I'm surprised you're not telling her to. pick up put a picture up of you I know. well if you want to get some. clicks what would be the best version of. you in her photo not just a selfie but. how can we be creative where it's like. um maybe you're like deep in the. background staring down the camera or. something like that so it's just an odd. like he's a lurker like could take that. now we could take one now you know what. be would be funny what if Sam is pushing. me in a wheelchair and like her hobby is.

taking care of Conan O'Brien who's much. more infirm than you think he. is it just raises a lot of question it. would get first of all you come across. as very caring in this hobby a hobby is. there one we could shoot right now what. about I'm bringing you a drink like I. work for you yeah that'd be great you. want to do that mhm uh you're going to. help us out here I could be handing this. mug yeah the mug yeah sure and then um. I'm going to be bringing you a drink.

like I'm your do I have the headphones. on for this absolutely okay I don't want. and uh bla you you do this away from my. microphone but I think my dulet tone. still here we go I love your hands ready. to accept oh look at this that's good. there we go okay that is me. humbly humbly serving you Sam and I look. I'm obsequious I'm hoping to that I. please the almighty Sam we should choose. that as the main photo I think yeah no.

do that as the main absolutely I think. that's what that's what you leave okay. so that's going to go on as a photo. that's very good and then what's next. you young people and I'm including. everyone in this room who's not me okay. everyone here who uh so Joe you just. just just just so you're clear I did. purchase over 50 vitamins the other day. oh my did you really yeah 50 I'm 50 what. do you over 50 Oh I thought you me.

that's what I thought you me you I. thought you just bought a quantity of 50. of the same kind of vitamin I'm like so. what I bet in a bottle there's 35 what's. the big deal there's I got the 15 Extra. Value uh okay so um what's next guys all. right so uh interests you want to add. some interests yeah here are the. different uh categories of Interest we. have self-care Sports creativity going. out staying in. film there's a lot of them can I quickly.

say something I worry that if there's. too much stuff in the selfcare area it's. going to send a signal that you know I'm. neurotic do you know what I mean like I. spend a lot of time taking care of. myself and thinking about myself that's. why and this is I'm a complete novice. this is just me shooting from the hip. sure what do you think I do care about. myself though you do but but I would say. let's just not go crazy on this and. check everyone so maybe just sleeping.

well no you could you could do more. there could be more than one you could. as many as you want I go to therapy okay. well so do I yeah mean clearly if. anyone's listening to the podcast they. haven't been in a while uh sleeping well. in therapy I think those are fine ones. what if what if a guy's like God I. really want a girl who can have a deep. chat because I feel like Sam's deep mhm. yeah okay we can do that never mind okay. I'm not going to force it no but deep. chats this is so preliminary that I.

would worry that deep chats implies that. that's going to be expected on the first. date okay hit it and quitted on there no. wait I'm guess what I'm seeing sex. positivity if I did this I'd be sex. negativity I'm very sex negative yeah. it's the whole thing just freaks me out. what a freak Show okay uh Sports what. are your sports uh none okay I don't do. any sports all right already you'd be a. hit for me yeah oh this one you're going.

to kill cuz you're very I know you're. creative thank you um I you know I like. uh art yes you do and crafts M uh making. videos that's a big part of my job what. kind of videos you I know you make them. for us but you do it on your on your. free time yeah okay for myself yeah all. right but does it ever impinge on what. I'm paying you for oh my God maybe maybe. I post from here sometime okay well. that's something we have to discuss okay. so that's an a meeting um photography. out oh going let's go to going out yeah.

uh well everyone goes out right I don't. go out very often do you go to bars not. really do you go Cafe hopping does that. mean what if you go what if you go what. if you go to one Cafe and just hop up. and. down that's the kind of Cafe hopping I. do. a Miss please if you can move on where's. your fake mustache is your call back to. son's French impression yes it is it's. called a call back so no Cafe hopping no. bars clubs no I haven't been to in my. life concerts you like music yeah you.

could put concerts that's fine put. concerts down oh wait guys you can only. we've reached our limit you've chosen. all five what you can only have five. interests are you kidding me and do you. are you able to enter your own or you. have to choose theirs I think you have. to choose theirs this is a scam traits. pets traveling these are your most wait. a minute most so we did this all wrong I. didn't realize you can only put in five. yeah how do you date you can only say. five things about I think there's leave.

it blank I don't put anything in here oh. this is Joe the engineer I think we. should have been talking to her all. along you sound like you know very cool. I trust her yeah Joe is super cool. what's the strategy so for putting in. nothing so I just do photos all from the. same room what why what do you mean it. just you know just use the same room. like just different parts of the room. and then a bio and that's it so like the. zero effort adds an error.

I think just people ask you more. questions about why you're in the same. room I like what I'm hearing maybe we. don't check any of these yeah take them. off take them off I trust her Joe why. didn't you say anything while we were. completely screwing this up you're so. chill that you neglected to help us but. some people like to put the their. interest in there and then you just have. to answer a lot of questions about like. basketball okay even if you're interest. just Cafe HPP yeah Cafe hopping that's.

weird that's really weird I don't know I. love it you love it I love Cafe hopping. it describes my life uh in my 20s was. Cafe hopping yeah okay we got to move. along we don't have much time for this. Joe do you think we we have profile. prompts and then uh do you want to add a. prompt yeah I would add a prompt okay. now this says pick a pro profile prompt. it's the perfect opportunity to show a. little more of your. personality I'm hoping you but keep it. simple guarantee that nonnegotiable. you pick one me yeah pick one out a.

non-negotiable would be if you're not a. Conan fan no that's fine no actually it. would be weird if they were a big Conan. fan but don't you think wait hold it why. because then I would feel like they're. trying to date me to get to you I think. that's going to happen already now that. we've done this no I know no that was. always my big thing was I never was sure. what what guy's intentions were Tac is. always trying to talk to me and write me. and hit me up for various Conan. memorabilia yeah sometimes he he makes.

me put a Conan mask on we oh my God I'm. kidding I'm kidding I ask to wear one. that out see when I took this job my. wife left. me Liza put on that Conan mask um no uh. listen no I we won't mention me at all I. mean I'm in the photo a. non-negotiable what's that sounds. negative okay let's not do nonn another. prompt I'm not feeling that. non-negotiable favorite let's break. dating stereotypes by I I'm a great.

number one because oh plus one sorry I. don't know the lingo we'll get a long if. what's your what's your my real life. superpower is it has to be clever how. about x-ray vision it's like a real. superpower she's got one my real life. super that's actually my favorite real. life superace is I can fly at the speed. of light and if I circle the Earth. backwards I can go make it go back in. time I always heal and have adamantium. bones. yeah that's a funny one oh that's giant. andem mantium spikes come out of my.

knuckles I am. [Laughter]. Wolverine. andum just say no powers no. superpowers okay we're being told by Joe. to knock it off take it out take it out. the goal here is celibacy forever isn't. it is just isn't the goal here to live. and die alone that's what I thought we. were doing the Only Hits you're going to. get are me and. yeah that's what you want to say no.

that's what I have on mine yeah but Joe. come on I'm serious how's it working for. you it literally worked I have a. boyfriend oh my God you didn't tell me. you had a boyfriend everyone's supposed. to report this to me why would tell. you new that's creepy rule number nine. in the con and. code oh what you're you're in a bathtub. in an empty bathtub the description says. don't hate me if I and your answer is. just don't. Joe can I see I I don't think that's.

going to work for me for Joe though yeah. but notice how all the photos are in the. bathroom when you said a room you meant. the bathroom but Joe you have a very. specific thing going on and I'm worried. that it's not Sam's thing you know oh my. God yeah that's true I'm not as cool as. Joe well no you're cool in a different. way you're just cool in a different. way oh my God God uh your POS these look. like American Apparel ads yeah they. really do you're wearing a lot of people.

are like why are these in the bathroom. then you can talk I live in a. bathroom want to date me yeah did you. ever mention that if you kill someone in. the tub the cleanup is very easy oh yeah. all right let's just move on uh okay Sam. you got to help us out here what are you. seeing here that what makes me feel. grounded I'm a real nerd about uh yoga I. I I'm a yoga teacher that's cool I like. that that is good but but are you cool. attracting yoga dudes is that a breed.

okay I would like to go to yoga with my. partner okay okay or or whoever you like. yeah I'll take anything okay okay uh. yoga a real nerd about yoga oh that's. this is good yoga you know what I don't. like the exclamation point I know I know. blade I know that you love exclamation. points I'm sorry I'm trying why do you. always put exclamation points every text. from blle is like sorry your dad died. exclamation point I will say I will say. I emailed you about something and there.

was an exclamation point you said hey. I'm getting you some I'm allowing this. exclamation point because it's your. birthday and then you send me a. follow-up email like two hours later. here here's your birthday present it was. just a bunch of. exclamation I put a lot of thought into. my put Downs uh okay I like that I'm. really Le about yoga yes this is good I. don't think you need to put all that oh. do so I'm gonna put I'm just a real nerd. about yoga period you tell me this is. your dating I like the teacher part okay.

thank you I like that's cool yoga I'm a. yoga teacher you put an emoji instead of. a period oh no okay well I also Sam. style yeah we got to keep it Sam okay so. here we go okay here we go okay so now. the next section is my opening move. starts your start your chats with an. opening move okay so I don't know this. says you're in control set your move. once and we'll take it from there we'll. add it to your profile and send it to. all new chats is that what you want. auto reply yeah that's crazy I think.

this is a nightmare I think you people. live in a Hell skape let's get to. apocalyptic hellc let's get to the meat. of this which is your bio we want to. write a fun and Punchy bio this is what. people are going to see they're going to. see your photo and they're going to see. your bio so this is important oh boy. okay well it's cool you work at a very. cool place it's okay to mention that. start with that all right work at a. really cool place yeah should I just. brag in the whole bio no I don't I think. that's but Joe you I shouldn't mention. we shouldn't mention about her working. with uh I wouldn't put stuff about work.

yeah. okay so it's safe to say there's nothing. about Conan in your bio yeah okay you. don't have your job on your profile I. have my job yeah feel like you need to. disclose that you work. here sort of like you knew I was working. you know you knew the next thing you. knew I had been in prison oh the next. thing work okay so what's your bio what. do you want them to know about you God I. don't know no I I feel like I'm a very.

chill and like you are the chillest. person I've ever met really yeah I feel. like that's important because I can't. have someone with like really intense. energy and I'm why are you working with. me then it's hard when I I mean I come. into a room and I'm I come into a room. and there's heat coming off of me and. I'm babbling like a chimp on crack and I. always see you in the corner and you're. always shaking your head slowly like no. grasshopper no so uh that's good she you.

should say that she's yeah you could be. like don't be like Conan just yeah oh. don't wait don't mention Conan but if. you do mention Conan it's don't be like. Conan yeah that's great so yeah but like. I work for Conan I'm looking for someone. who's not like Conan yeah okay we can do. that and I'm looking for someone who's. not like Conan. um then how about parenthesis keep in. mind Conan is very kind generous and. sensitive oh God but his energy.

sometimes uh is a little tightly coiled. I think you got to you know put. something in there so people don't think. I'm a monster we can't have anyone. saying I'm a you're a very kind person. yeah he's very kind and generous and. then can you put in Brackets he made me. right yes thank you that's what I was. looking for that's not something a. normal person says so it's important for. people to know you did this Conan made. me write that last part yeah say that. Conan made me write that last part mhm. he's crazy please help.

me I never wanted to do this I I'm in a. relationship it's it's it's right w r i. t e what' you say to me oh that's. embarrassing sorry sorry oh uh made me. write that last part I just think it's a. it's it's good if it just keeps going. with with Conan just making you do this. he's here with me now yeah call the. police he's here with me now he may come. on our first.

date on our. first of pressure on our first date just. come in our first date gross this is a. nightmare if he what happens this is a. nightmare. profile that's good did you say I'm DTF. no I said if he does he's DTF for me. like in my stad okay okay okay how's. this how's this uhhuh how's this okay uh.

your bio I'm very chill I work for Conan. and I'm looking for someone who's not. like Conan parenthesis he's a very kind. and generous person un parenthesis arrow. pointing to that Conan made me write. that last part he's here with me now he. may come on our first date um I think. there needs to be a little bit more. Conan. no he's very kind okay uh work uh see. above out a j here we go yeah yes uh. when you when we say just Conan do you.

think people will know that's you oh. like she works for Conan gray I don't. think so okay that would be great that. would be pretty. cool he's really cool he's pretty chill. okay so so uh do you want to put in what. you're looking for sure yeah okay cool. you're looking for oh wait this no. that's about me oh wait no this is stuff. about you I don't 53 okay no uh this. says looking for a relationship. something casual don't know yet marriage. or skip who puts down marriage I'll put.

marriage Oh serious I'm serious are you. are you ready to get married yeah are. you serious maybe this will happen I'm. 31 I was about to be 31 what's your. height five feet five feet I like it. just five Perfect all right do you want. to answer the rest of these questions. yeah do it all right do you work out. yeah yog instruct she is she's yoga. instruct zodiac sign do you think this. is important oh yeah yeah you got big. time yeah um I'm a p pces I was going to. guess Pisces oh okay were you yeah M you.

seem like a Pisces thank you that's a. compliment yeah I have an undergraduate. yeah all right that's good good do you. drink rarely okayo do you smoke do you. smoke is that a cigarette I know yeah. what cannabis is its own can okay so no. MM how do use cannabus yes well. frequently frequently feels dramatic. they don't have like a yes oh my God. ideal plans for children yeah what do.

you want you want kids yeah that's nice. great we to say this this first date. convo well I don't know Jo I mean what. about this did you get into this with. people yeah I think if it's it's better. to just say that especially if you don't. want kids oh I do yeah it's good it's. good if people find you don't want to be. telling someone 3 years in that you. never want children if they really want. kids right yeah it's got to come up all. right so I think we're done I think we. got it here let's should we recap.

there's the main photo there I am. serving you your oh no it's cut off. C no wa I got to perfect though cuz they. got to know they got know it's there. yeah oh that's true yeah they could. right they could see I'm cut off I love. it that's so funny oh and then just for. work it says see. above oh my God I work for a fraction of. a man I'm very chill I work for Conan. and I'm looking for someone who's not. like Conan he's a very kind and generous.

person Conan made me write that part. he's here with me now he may come on our. first date and then your Basics 5T. active you're a Pisces undergraduate. degree drink rarely smoke never you're a. woman you're socially can about can oh. yeah soci can and then you want marriage. and here's some other great photos I'm a. real nerd about yoga I'm a yoga teacher. right yoga great all right there we go. um maybe what we can do is if you have. any hits we can do a second followup for. this you know mhm I will say I think. it's good that it cuts your face off cuz.

it makes you want to tap into it like I. just did you know you're like o who is. that that looks like Conan yeah it. doesn't look enough like me there it is. there it is yeah there you go yeah all. right I can reenter it so it's more in. this you cut out Sam so that Conan's in. the picture yeah and then and suddenly. I'm filling out the questions. 64 200. lb. uh wow this is I think you're going to I.

think you're going to get some. interesting responses yeah we'll see I. will say seriously and I'm going to say. it again Sam's uh wonderful and uh you. have a you have a very cool Aura thank. as to you Joe by the way I have to say. though and and Sona we have won't you. say the women that work here are very. cool oh yeah yeah just go through the. whole you know Tanisha and EB and Ruth. we've got a squad here that is very. impressive a lot of very strong very you. know. opinionated and everyone quite happy to.

give me yes all the time yes I. think you do that on purpose I think you. are drawn to to women who because I. think who loathe me who lo you. yeah well I think we're g to get some. and then uh you should come back and. we'll you know we'll see what happens. okay we'll see what happens but I'm. excited thank you because I know nothing. about dating apps and I think this was. the worst thing you could possibly do so. I'm curious to see what what do you wait. what do you mean dating app is the oh. coming here forting coming to yeah.

coming here for advice this terrible a. terrible decision you should have gone. right to Joe because uh and so you. should probably talk privately to Joe. and you guys will straight a lot of. things out yeah okay I'm scar um all. right Sam best of luck to you and I look. forward to the recap I look forward to. meeting your future partner I know my. husband or wife or wife whatever it. doesn't matter man it's all. good.