Conan Has Never Hit The Club | Conan O'Brien Needs A Friend

Hey guys, it's time for the third act. segment. And um. we don't have an idea for this segment. There's literally nothing that we can. think of to talk about. We've given it. absolutely no thought. I know. Usually I come up with so many. ideas. Oh, Sona. Yeah. And. yeah, my kids went to sleep. My kids. woke up. My kids. all about my kids these days. I have. nothing else going on. I don't know what. else is happening. We'll get back to us in 20 years. You. know. what? I'm just saying then they'll be doing. all kinds of cool stuff. Well, they do cool stuff now. No, no. No, I mean when they're hitting. the clubs and.

I'm not going to talk to you about when. they're hitting the clubs. Anyway, you can't live vicariously through my. kids. I want to know what it's like to be. young and cool. 20 years. You're going to be 80. You ever once hit a club? I've never hit a club. Yeah, I haven't either. Never once in my life. Yeah. Sona. Yeah. Big club hitter. I was I love the clubs. You actually Sona tore it up back in the. day. That's what I mean. They weren't. expensive clubs. They were. Excuse you. Right. What do you mean? Price Club. We don't We know people. We got into.

places. We were cool. What do you mean? Like what's a good. place that you went? What do you do? Like I would say. something and you would even know if it. was cool or not. Was it Club Fantastic? Was it Yeah. Was it Club Cacao? Club Cacao. Did you go to Did you go to Mud Room? Did you go to, you know, Jacamo Joe's? Where did you go? Keep going. What else? What other clubs. do you know? Uh Oily Sams. Yeah. What about What about Flop House, which was a German club? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I went to all those all of. those places. Um. the places where you guys would stand.

across the street just like staring at. the people going. Yeah. and touching and touching. ourselves names. and pleasuring ourselves. With our No, with our clothes on. I mean. with our clothes on. Just wearing bulky. parkas but just rubbing. our chestal areas. Yeah. Uh. no, no, no. I was I had no club life, you know. You don't like dancing? Don't you like. dancing? Um, no. I never went dancing. No. The club. The thought of an like after. hours thumping Hollywood nightclub gives.

me so much anxiety when I see it in. movies. It's upsetting to me. Okay. Uh because I can't I need to yap. I need. to talk to people. And I So I also my my. only weapon was my spiel. And so the idea that you would take that. away with loud club music? No. You would also You have money that. you could get a nice table in the middle. of the dance floor. Well, now I do, but for years I didn't.

Oh, I guess. for years I was, you know, driving a 77. Isuzu Opal. and wearing clothes that I had worn in. high school that I had stolen from my. brother Luke. And then and then I'm going to be in the. and, you know, like waiting for my skin. to clear up. I'm going to be. and you know, you and Greg and Rodman and you guys. never just like went out and. if you ever Yeah. If you ever want to. know what the opposite of entourage was, like literally the negative image of. entourage, it was my posi in the late my.

posi in the late 80s. Uh, hey, is there do you have a gluten Do. you have a gluten-free bun? Is there a gluten-free bun? The opposite of. absolute opposite. There was a. place here in LA when we first moved out. here called Flaky Jake. Oh, I remember. that place. It was a restaurant. Yeah, it was a restaurant. But what you. did is you got like a tray and you built. your you built and and my friend Greg. figured out he was like, "We got to go.

to Flaky Jake." cuz he figured out you. could you could just buy the hamburger. bun for like 30 cents and then you could. take it through the salad bar and just. pour a salad in between the two buns and. make a sandwich that cost basically 35. cents that was made of stuff at a salad. bar and he would he would eat it and. just be like, "Man, we got the system. beat." And this was my wingman. This was my wingman. Hey, lady ladies.

Who wants to go out? You want to go out. to dinner? Sure. You guys seem cool. We'll go out to dinner with you. All right. We're going to Flaky Jake. and dinner is on us. There's two of you, so that's 60 cents. Greg gets one bun, I get the other bun. Who wants ranch? Now, who wants French. on top of ranch? Now, who wants croutons. on a bun? No. Who wants kleslaw on that?

Oh my god. You know what? All the same, I would way. rather do that than go to a club. No. joke. Clubs give it just gives me severe. anxiety or something. Okay. I like letting loose. I like just. going place someplace and just like. having drinks with my friends and just. like letting loose. It was nice. I had a. lot of fun. I had. But also, you were a very uninhibited. person. Like you were and this is not. but you were someone who you could meet. a fella and then be making out with him. on the dance floor and there was no.

problem. Sure. Yeah. You weren't afraid of a little PDF. You. know. PDA. PDF is a document. What I'm saying is you were not afraid. You were not afraid to call up a. document on your screen in a loud club. with a guy you don't really know. Oh my god. You weren't afraid of a. little Microsoft X, were you? you had some time for a pages duck or. let's say an Adobe Photoshop JPEG on a. hot night, maybe even a GIF.

I Yeah. No, I did. That's how unfamiliar I am with a PDA is. that I call it a PDF. Yeah. But what I'm saying is I've, you know, used to come back, you know, when in the. early days when you were, you would come. back with stories. Yeah. Yeah. And I'd be listening like they were. ghost stories. I was like, "Oh my. goodness, I actually put on pearls so I. could clutch them.". Oh my. No, you're right. I think Yeah, you and. I are different that way, right? That you enjoyed life. No, it's that you know, I'm you're.

you're a lot more, you know, just like. Well, those are just noises. You're not. saying words. No, but I mean, you know, you're a lot more buttoned up than I am, which is, I think, good. I think I was a. little too much to the extreme. You were a little extreme, but also I. had my time. time. I had my time. Let's. just say I had my time. Okay. You PDF. Flaky Jake. You brought a PDF to Flaky. Jake. Flaky Jake. There was a period where I briefly got. it together. Okay. Okay. It was basically during the first George.

Bush administration. I see. All right. Leading into the early Clinton. administration. Okay. Let's just say I was quite a I mean, yeah. A nickname. Now, my my definition. of got it together is probably different. from yours. No. But still, you got you went outside. your comfort zone. Um, sure. Okay. Yeah. What did they call you in that. period? Um, they called me the Red Rooster. Oh god. It's not sexy. That's not sexy. Red rooster.

Uh, that's not sexy. It's okay. Why not just like the. That's too obvious. It's just too. There was a writer on there. I'm talking. about the general. Oh, okay. All right. No, then that's. okay. There was there was a writer on. our staff once who was sort of bragging. about how he was quite the ladies man. back in the day. And I said, "Yeah, they. called you Jack Fuck.". I just cuz I just thought it was such a.

ridiculous man. What are you, Jack. What a ridiculous nickname for a ladies. man to have. Oh my god. I just love that you have to. have a nickname. Yeah. I went by Bill Knight sex. Good. Okay, that worked out well for you. Mhm. That's why you were sweeping up at Flaky. Jake. Shout out to Flaky Jake. You think. they're still in the business? No, but there is an abandoned Flaky. Jake, I think, in like off the 60. freeway. Yeah. Yeah. I bet it's haunted. I bet. ghosts are making sandwiches for 60. cents.

[Laughter]. We're getting away with murder.