Conan Goes After Cap'n Crunch - "Conan O'Brien Needs A Fan"

Well, do you have a question for me? How can I help you? So, here I am, you know... One of my favorite... Eh, my favorite comedian, I will say. Oh thank you! That's very nice. I got really nervous when you said "one of.". I just go down a spiral. So thank you for just knocking me up to... I'm sure that's... Even that's not true, just stick with what you've said. I like it. So I'll just go with it. Yeah. A number one. So, if I could ask you anything, I would ask, if you could fight a cereal mascot.

like a mascot that is on cereal. Who do you think you could take in a fight? Like who do you think you could beat up? Yeah, that's a great question. Wow. That's a great question. I'll start... let's think it over. Captain Crunch is an old man. And, clearly past his prime. And, I like to think that I could take, you know, like the Trix bunny, he's got a long reach. He's got a long reach, he's got a lot of energy. I think it would be hard to connect. But, Captain Crunch...

I was gonna say, you couldn't touch Tony the Tiger. Like you would not be able to get any-. Oh, Tony the Tiger would rip me a new asshole instantly. (laughs). He'd instantly grab my ass and tear open my asshole. And then he'd say "it's grrrrreat!". You know? So no, I don't want anything to do with Tony the Tiger. I think the toucan... The Fruit Loops toucan is an endangered species. Don't you think you should fight the Lucky Charms guy. as a kind of mano a mano...

Oh! ... perfect match? Oh, I get it. Two leprechauns going at each other, Matt? Is that what you're saying? Kind of. They're related. I do have to say, the lucky-. (laughs). You have to recuse yourself. He's my third cousin, the Lucky Charms leprechaun. I do think the leprechaun has dragged my people back. like, three centuries with his antics and behavior. Yeah. So he has it coming. But I worry, I think he has magical powers.

And I know the Irish, they'll do anything. He's probably got a knife in his boot. Yeah. He's gonna stick it in my rib. I'm going for Captain Crunch. Again, an elderly man, past his prime. You know, he says he's a Captain. but we don't really see any evidence of that. Oh, he has a ship. I mean, he theoretically has an armada. He could launch a Navy. No, we haven't seen that ship in a long time. And he talks a lot about how he's a Captain. And then you look at that uniform. You know what I mean? He looks like Tito Jackson. It doesn't look like a real Captain's uniform.

You know? So, I am gonna go after Captain Crunch. And that's gonna be a very short fight. I'm gonna just, I'm gonna crush his face. (laughs). I'm gonna peel that mustache off his face. and I'm gonna watch him eat it. With milk. You can wear that as an epaulet, like he has epaulettes. Yes! I will put the mustache on my shoulder, like one of his little epaulettes and I'll say. "now I'm the captain.". (laughs). Yeah, that's my plan. Maggie, you seem like you've thought about this. Have you figured out who you would fight?

Yeah! Maggie, who do you want to fight? See, I'm glad, I feel like we agree. I was thinking Captain Crunch. 'Cause yeah, he seems like a senile old man. Yeah! He found his outfit like, you know, in a drawer somewhere. And he's like, "ah, this is my persona now.". I don't think he's real Captain. And, you know-. You're fantastic! Maggie, you're fantastic. I wish I could go on a road trip with you. for like six weeks. Cause I think we would never... We could exhaust this topic alone. We could talk for like... This would get us like 8,000 miles, this one topic.

Because you're absolutely right. The Captain, he's overstayed his welcome. He really has. It's time he retired, and whoever Lieutenant Crunch is moved up, don't you think? (laughs). Hundred percent. You know, it's like, remember last year. when they killed off, Mr. Peanut... Yes! ...and they had like, Baby Peanut. I feel like, you know... This... you know, there's gotta be a Baby Crunch or something. You know, he can grow up, earn his ranks or something. He's got to earn it. Are you calling for a Crunch mutiny?

Crunch mutiny, let's go! I'm totally for it. And you know what? Captain Crunch seems way too comfortable. He's not on his toes. You know what I mean? Mm-hm. And I think this Captain Crunch mutiny could happen. very quickly and he would be dispatched immediately. And then we would control... You know, 'cause also I think he went a little nuts. I mean it started as Captain Crunch. Then they had Crunch Berries. Then it became Peanut Butter Crunch. Then they said, there's a Captain Crunch cereal. that's only crunch berries.

It's called "Oops, All Berries.". He made a mistake. Yes! He shouldn't be there. Oops is in the title! Now, if that's not a senile old man, I don't know... If anything should qualify him. for immediate ejection from the Navy, it's the creation of an Oops, All Berry Crunch. That's a clear mess-up. No, I think he should be awarded the Nobel Prize for that. That's the best cereal ever made. Yeah. Have you had it? Yeah. You know, what's actually pretty good,

is Peanut Butter Crunch. Oh yeah. Have you head that? Yeah. What's happening?! It's really good. You're just changing your mind about everything now. Yeah, you're changing my mind now. It's such a good cereal. Let's go after those Flintstones on Fruity Pebbles. True story, my wife is a health nut, and she's always having the kids have plenty of spinach, and eat really healthy food and oatmeals and fruit. And I finally just said, "this is ridiculous,". "I want these kids to understand". "what it's really like to be a kid.". So I went, not to the organic market, but to a real supermarket.

And I bought Captain Crunch, Fruit Loops, and Sugar Pops. And I think Apple Jacks. And I brought them back to the house, and I hid them. And then at the appropriate time. I brought them out in front of my wife and I said. "it's time that my son became a man.". (laughs) Yes! And I introduced him to these cereals. And I haven't done it since, but he really was like, "wow, this is incredible.". And we sat the way people do, our backs hunched. Yeah.

What you do is you put the cereal in the bowl, you pour in the milk, you eat it. No one speaks. No. It's just munching. Okay? Then you get to the bottom, and there's a little bit of milk. And rather than drain that milk, you add more cereal. and fill it up again and then add more milk. And we just plow ahead. And it's joyless. We look like those old ladies. at the slot machines that are just feeding quarters in. That's what we were doing. We were just chowing down cereal. He was high on sugar for like six days. My wife was not amused, but I thought, "he needs to know.".

"He needs to know!". Don't you think, Maggie? Oh, hundred percent. That's a rite of passage. Yes! Yeah, "this'll put hair on your chest," I said. I think I did the right thing.