Conan Gives A Fan Breakup Advice - "Conan O'Brien Needs A Fan"

What does your boyfriend do? He is a jazz musician. Oh my God. I know. That's so cool. What is his instrument? He plays the bass. Oh my God. Those are the coolest people. I dated a bassist. I'm so-. I don't know why I'm suddenly, like, mad at him. Yeah. [Conan] I feel like-. It's the upright bass, right? Yeah, he also does electric. but for jazz, usually the upright. Oh my God. Those are the best people. Yeah. I don't stand a chance against that guy. I was gonna try and say something, kind of, negative about him just to make myself feel better.

It's that sad level that I'm at. And I can't, he plays the upright bass. That's like a real musician plays the upright bass. 'cause the upright bass doesn't even have frets on it. You just have to know where the note is. It's this weird thing. There's no fret on that upright bass. There's no-. but jazz musicians are like, "Hey man, the note is where I say it is. The note is where I feel it is.". And they're like, "Dammit, they're right.". [Conan] What's his name? His name was Avery. Whoa.

Okay, take it easy, Matt. Yeah, that name is cool too. I mean this guy's got it comin' and goin'. Is his last name Blaze. Is he Avery Blaze? How would you know? You've met him. I just know these things. Avery blaze. Wow, all right. Well, what's he doing right now? How come he's not in the apartment? I told him it would make me even more nervous. so he's sitting outside in his car. (Conan, Matt and Sona laugh). Boy, you just somehow out-cooled Avery Blaze. Wow. Avery is so devoted to you.

that you can just make him, "Hey Avery, I'm about to talk to Conan, Matt and Sona. Get out, go sit in the car.". And it's really hot in LA right now. It's like 110 degrees out. Sacramento, it's probably 160 degrees. (Pauline laughs). 'Cause you guys have that active volcano. (Pauline and Sona laugh). I'm just putting a little thought out there. for people to be like, "I didn't know that.". You should not be nervous talking to us. We're just folk, we're just folk. I listen to you guys every day though.

And, Conan, I've been obsessed with you. since I was, like, 12 years old. That's always my answer to everything of like, "Oh, whose your celebrity crusher, who would you love to meet? I put you in a college essay one time. I won't say if I got into that college or not. (Matt laughs). (Sona laughs). I'm gonna guess that would be a big "No.". (Pauline laughs). (Conan Laughs). Pauline, that's so nice. I mean it's, first of all, it's very nice to meet you. and I'm honored to have you. as a longtime fan. because you're very cool.

Not quite as cool as Avery-. But who is? But what are we going to do about that? No, that's really sweet. That's very nice. I think it was a terrible mistake. to use me as a reference in a college essay. But you were trying to become a physicist at MIT. and you weren't interested in physics at all. and had never taken a physics course. So that's, that's on you. Yeah. And then dropping my name. in the MIT essay, that was an even bigger mistake. They just ripped up the application. (Conan and Sona laugh). They actually have a machine that can detect,

if a college application. has a reference to me anywhere. it can detect it before they even open it. and it goes right to a shredder. (Pauline and Sona laugh). Yeah, that's on you. Pauline, was there anything I could do for you? 'Cause I like you. and you've been very loyal to me. Do you have a question for me? Or is there anything I can answer for you? Yeah, so you know, during quarantine and everything. I've had a lot of friends, obviously not here, but some of them here, some of them back home. who have been going through relationship troubles, like ups and downs. And I have a certain very loving approach.

when you're in a breakup. And I wondered if I was going through a breakup. and you were like my best girlfriend. how would you cheer me up? Like, how would you help me out of my slump? [Matt] Good Question. So the only way I can do this. is if I change genders. Why do I have to change my gender? Why do I have to be your best girlfriend? You don't. Why can't I do it. just as a very woke and feminine man? That you are. (Conan Laughing). [Pauline] You can do it that way. Meaning I already am that, yeah. Well first of all, is everything okay with you and Avery? 'Cause now I'm concerned about Avery.

You're asking me for breakup advice. and Avery sitting in a 140 degree car, like an abused dog. Yeah, did you crack the windows? Yeah, you got to crack the window with an Avery. You can't just leave an Avery. in a car with locked windows. Some policeman's breaking those windows right now. and giving him some ice. So everything's cool with you and Avery. Yes, no we're all good. I want that to be very clear. Me and Avery Blaze are doing great. Avery Blaze. Avery Blaze.

Well of course, yes. Avery Blaze, Avery has now passed on. because he's been in the car for 40 minutes. Aah. I'm sorry. Come on. This is a public service announcement. Do not leave an upright jazz bassist. in a locked car during a heat wave. That's just something you've got to know. Tell me he doesn't wear a beret ever. Does he ever wear a beret? Oh, no, no, no. Okay, good. Conan! Well, I'm sorry. That was going to be a deal breaker. (Sona laughs). What would I tell you, Avery, seriously, if you were going through a breakup. Or just any friend.

I'm sorry, not you Avery. Pauline, what would I say to you. or what would I say to any friend? Yeah, or anyone. Like you have a friend they're going through a breakup. How do you pick them up? I honestly, well, I'm just going to say. if I was talking to you, I would say, because that's just the easiest way to do it. because there are some people-. look, there's some people who I'd say. you've got to fix this relationship immediately. because you're not going to get another one. (Matt laughs). God, I've said that. Jesus Christ. No, I mean, I'm talking about when a terrible-. I'm friends with some-. Oh, that is the worst. Sona, I'm friends with some terrible people.

and you know that, Oh my God. You know that. and especially in this business, I tell them, "No, you're a psychopath. You've got to fix this.". I've said that. [Sona] That's the worst thing you could say. The worst. Trust me. Sona, think about some of the people. I've met in this industry. Okay. If they came to me and said, "I'm going through a breakup,". I would say you've got to get back into that relationship. (Sona laughs). because that person made you so much more tolerable. (Pauline laughs).

But I would say. to you Pauline, specifically, I would say you're young, you've got your whole life ahead of you. There were so many times in my life. when I thought, when I went through a breakup or something. and I thought, I was devastated, and I just thought, this is it. My life is over. And it wasn't. So I think, I tell very young people. that your perspective completely changes. later on in life. I don't know if you know exactly how old I am. You can look it up on Wikipedia.

but I'm almost 40, Pauline, [Sona] Aaah. very close to 40. I believe it. Actually just celebrated my 32nd birthday. (Sona laughs). I'm going to keep chipping away at my age. (Pauline and Conan laugh). No, at my age, I just turned 58, at my age, I have a whole new appreciation for-. [Matt] Soft foods? Soft foods, thank you. (Conan and Sona laugh). Grip bars at the toilet. I like to lower myself down using my forearm strength.

(Pauline laughs). I like the medical alert thing when I fall. (Sona Laughs). Oh Jesus. I sometimes use that when I haven't fallen. I just called them and say, "Hey.". And they're like, "Well, did you fall?". And I go, "No, I'm good. I just, you know, wanted to chat.". (Pauline laughs). Needed a friend. They get really mad when I do that. But I think it's all about perspective, so I would tell a lot of my friends, you know, there's so many cliches. and I hate cliches. about one door closing, another opening. But I say that it's exciting. This next chapter is going to be very exciting. and bet on yourself.

Bet on yourself. is something I tell a lot of the young people. that work for me. Don't settle. And you've heard me have that conversation. with many people on our staff. Yeah, you've had it with me. Yes. When I've broken up with some guys, you've actually been a really good person to talk to. which is surprising. He's shockingly-. I shouldn't say that. That's not nice. But he's very sincere. And, you know, there'll be times. where we'll be at, like, a holiday party for work. and then, you know, I just go near him.

and he's talking to one of the staffers. who's just, like, pouring their heart out to him. Right, right. You know, he's very good at that. Well I have a lot of young people that work for me. and I have had this talk a lot. which is, "Bet on yourself.". And it's something I specifically say. to the women on my staff, but I just say, "Don't settle and be nice to yourself. and demand that you get the best person.". So that's what I would say to you, Pauline. I like the sound of Avery blaze. I like everything about him.

Is he the one? We'll see, time will tell. I have to meet him before you can-. I'm so jealous. I am so goddam jealous. (everyone laughing). I just am. He's got me beat in every-. Musicians are so much cooler than comedians. and he's got me beat on every level. This is gonna go straight to his head. I wanna be Avery. This is gonna go-. He can never hear this. This is just gonna blow him up too much. [Conan] Aah. I want to be Avery Blaze.