Conan Conducts A Staff Review With Oscars Writer Brian Kiley | Conan O'Brien Needs A Friend

Hey, Conan O'Brien here. Uh normally on. Thursdays we drop a fan episode, but I. want to do something a little different. today. On Monday I talked to Dennis. Leary and he was chatting about a comic. we both love, a Boston comic, Brian. Kiley. Brian is working with me. in my office right now on the Oscars and. I thought, "Hey, Brian's in the. building. Let's get him in here. He. knows all the dirt on me. We've known. each other since we were kids." Um.

anytime I do anything where I need great. jokes uh and everyone else is busy, I. get Brian Kiley. >> [laughter]. >> I'll take it. Yeah, yeah. I need the. work. >> I really cast a wide net and no one. wanted to work with me. No, Brian, uh. we've I mean, our story's kind of crazy. We've known each other since we were. kids because you would chat with my. brother Luke at our Catholic instruction. class that met at the Cenacle. Where.

Where town Where town was that in? >> In Brighton. You're in Brighton on the. top of a high hill these nuns taught. Catholic instruction on Monday. afternoons. and um. I think you and my brother Luke started. chatting with with each other about the. Bruins and the Red Sox. Yes. >> And I was in the corner doing bits for. like a for a snowman. Uh Yes, of course. >> It's insane. We we went to CCD, which. is, you know, Catholic Sunday school,

same place. I would sit next to Luke and. we would talk about the football games. the day before, which we would still be. doing now. We're like 8 years old or 9. years old. You and my brother's dance. class and then Dan. uh Dan. >> Say that a little slower cuz it said you. were in my brother's It sounded like you. were in my brother's dance class. >> were in the same. >> I was not in your brother's dance class. >> I thought that's what it was. No, no, no, I'm sorry. My brother Dan and Conan. Sorry, we're in the same class and then. they they both [laughter].

we were in the you were in my brother at. La Marz's class. What? You were in I I wasn't in a La Marz. class. No, his name's La Marz. >> [laughter]. >> No, so Dan and and and Conan were in the. same class and then they went to Harvard. together. and then my brother Dan would show me. the Lampoon Harvard Lampoons and he'd be. like remember Conan O'Brien and then and. he would show me these things. which were great. First of all, the. class of of 83 didn't do nearly as well. as the class of 85. We didn't we didn't. go to Harvard Luke and I but [laughter].

yeah. But. I know. But the we we'd read these. Lampoons and then I kind of followed. your career because I knew you were on. the Simpsons and SNL but I I would have. walked by you on the street not known. you. Do you know what I mean? Because I. hadn't seen you since we were in. college. You would have been like wow, who's that guy? He's got rizz. But [laughter]. yeah, that sounds like me. In the 90s. and stuff he'd be like rizz. He was. using rizz back then. With me exclusively. >> [laughter]. >> That guy's got rizz and I don't know.

what that is. I still don't know what it. is. >> [laughter]. >> But so I I think you came to work on. Late Night. I'll never forget you came. in one day and you were wearing. an Irish cap. and you were because you were a very. funny stand-up everyone knew who you. were and you were chatting with a bunch. of. of the writers in the hallway cuz you. were visiting and this is early early. days of very early days of the late. night show like 93. and I see you in the hallway and I'm.

like hey, we know each other and we. chatted a little bit. I pushed a button that said please get. him out of here. >> [laughter]. >> You were immediately taken away by NBC. pages. and a robot. Right. I kept asking what's. rizz? Yeah. >> [laughter]. >> And then shortly after that there was an. opening for you and you came and started. writing jokes for me and you've I mean. my White House Correspondents Dinner, both of them with Clinton and with. Obama.

Um, I mean. everything I ever did uh. the the two Emmy shows um and all the. late night shows I've ever done and then. um last year's Oscars you was wrote. amazing jokes and now. um you're we're working again on this. year's Oscars March 15th tune in. Uh. and. so I thought wait a minute this is. chance to get Brian to come in. and we could settle old scores. >> Yes. Yes. We have some grudges. Ironically my first day of work was uh.

March 15th in 1994. Oh you're kidding. >> No. No, the Ides of March. So now that's. where the when the Oscars are. Yeah. Uh it is um no you you have uh. as you know I've told you this a million. times you're one of my favorite uh. comedians. You have such insanely great. jokes and you're so disciplined about. having great jokes. Um my favorite thing. to do is an impression of you. doing the filthiest material ever at the.

Apollo Theater. >> [laughter]. >> Because because you and I are the. whitest comedians in the world and you. are the cleanest comic you never go blue. [laughter]. and you always are wearing in my. impression you're wearing a blue blazer. which is very you and uh Hello. Hi. How. [laughter] are you? And then you go into. the filthy I mean stuff that would make. Red Fox blush and you do it at the. Apollo and kill. And it's just really. like you got to wash that ass. >> [laughter]. >> Ladies you got to wash that. ass.

So I'm uh going out and and your your. enunciation is always so perfect and. you're so friendly and pleasant and so I. would do this routine called Kylie at. the Apollo. and it was one of my favorite things to. do cuz I get to be really crazily blue. but it's not me it's you. >> Right. Right. Right. Well you've done it. for my friends like Gary Goldman and. some other people. But they always. report back to me like they're dying. They just [laughter] hear this. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You was a really filthy. comic and in the minute your set's over. you go back to your dressing room and. you open up a giant book on Truman. And.

sit on a metal stool, a little metal. chair and read it in your perfectly. creased, you know, chinos and blue. blazer and then [laughter] eventually. the the guy comes back and says, "GET. YOUR ASS BACK OUT THERE." AND YOU'RE. LIKE, "OH, OKAY." AND YOU GO out and. then you completely you're even filthier. the second time. >> [laughter]. >> Filthier. >> then I go into my B stuff. Yeah, yeah. >> [laughter]. >> Uh so, um yeah, but I'm just uh I've got. my oldest Kylie riff cuz I like to have. riffs on each writer Mhm. was that. you're you work out a lot, you're very.

disciplined, you have this very. uh powerful. >> Right? Powerful. I know what he's going. to say. >> a powerful very strong chest, arms, shoulders. I mean, this guy is is just. you work out but I noticed a while ago. that it I don't think you work your legs. out as much. And so, [laughter] I. started to riff on this. >> and then eventually your legs became. vermicelli Yeah. and there were whole. riffs about people in a restaurant you. can't go to Italian restaurants cuz. people try to twirl your legs under. their fork. [laughter] Yeah. And um I.

mean, I would these bits would Sure. >> They would go on forever. Yes, he's. called them vermicelli, fusilli, uh. fiber optic cables. Yeah. [laughter] Uh. ribbon candy. I would I was late one day. last year cuz I had a a doctor's. appointment Uh-huh. and Conan told. everybody I was late because I fell. asleep and a little girl braided MY LEGS. TOGETHER. >> [laughter]. >> AND I MEAN, THIS IS THE STUFF I'll be. doing on my deathbed. And what I remember what I I forget all.

kinds of things and my my my brain gets. goofy, but this stuff I will never. forget. And I don't care how bad my. brain goes, you know, I don't care what. happens to me. I could be in a deep coma. and if someone came into me and said, "Conan, Conan, you know, it's like no, it's no good. He won't respond to. anything. Kylie's here. VERMICELLI. LEGS.". >> [laughter]. >> A CHILD BRAIDED THEM TOGETHER. AT&T WANTS TO TALK TO HIM about.

microfibers. [laughter] And. And the same thing with like Berkeley. Johnson, one of the writers, a hilarious. writer. He I haven't seen him since he. worked on the Oscars last year. He came. into the writers room and sat down and. within a minute I went, I mean. Berkeley Johnson told me. I think 20 years ago that his dad owned. a flag store. >> Right. And I just like, yeah, why don't. you tell that to your dad at the flag. store? I said that instantly. Those. things I'll never forget. If I can find. a little thing on a writer, that's going.

in the vault. >> Right. Right. You'll forget your. children's names, but not. >> Don't move them now. >> [laughter]. >> Not the riff. >> Not a riff that works. No, a riff will. always be remembered. >> Yes. No, we've had. um. It's funny cuz you. uh were always there. in the room with me just before I went. out and did a monologue in any. situation. I mean. all those late night shows, hundreds and. hundreds, a thousands Right. >> of late night shows. You were always in. the writers room with me and in my. dressing room and it's just about time.

to go out and we're going over the. jokes. And the thing we noticed and and whether. it was the White House Correspondents. Dinner, I'm just about to go out there. and perform for a Clinton or Obama, any. of those situations or the Emmys or. all the other different award shows, you. and I would be together in a room and. I would start. um. saying the worst things I could think. of. Like if I Sure. My my your favorite. thing seemed to be me. uh making up jokes that I could never do.

in a million years and pitching those. and um and then acting out the crowd. turning on me. Right, right. We would be. doing that instead of me reading the. real jokes. >> my god. And there are things that you. can't tell me, buddy. >> Yeah. And they And they don't. >> cuz they don't make sense. Once you When. you're in the room, it's it There's a. room reality where it's working in this. room, but then the minute you leave that. situation, if you go home and try and. tell your wife, you're like, "What are. you talking about?". >> And And they'll like People will say,

"Oh, is Is Conan really funny?" I'll be. "Oh, he's hilarious. Can you give me an. example?" And I'll have a rolodex of. like a hundred things I go, "Nope. I can't [laughter] tell any of those. You know what I mean?" Cuz they don't. make sense. >> don't make sense, but. so, you know. But it was um but. uh. and. one of your. uh heroes, [snorts]. Bob Newhart, you were so excited when um. we thought of a bit for Bob Newhart. Oh, yeah. Bob Newhart was one of It was.

one of my heroes. And very much like Bob. Newhart, you're a clean comic, amazing. jokes, and you have You do not have a. hurried rhythm, and so you have your own. thing, but you could see why, oh, this. makes perfect sense. Bob Newhart would. be playing Conan on the show. >> things. So, Kevin Dorff came up with. this great bit cuz we didn't want the. Emmy show to run long. So, the show was. supposed to go 3 hours, so we have a. tube with exactly 3 hours worth of air. Like a little glass box, yeah. >> A glass box. And if it runs the show.

runs long, Bob Newhart's in the tube. there. And if the show runs long, then. he dies. >> He dies. >> [laughter]. >> That's the idea. And the great thing is. he could do this without speaking. So, who's better than Bob Newhart. >> faces and all. >> face and his big sad eyes. And so, he's. out there and we put we wheel him out. and he's sitting on this uh stool, and. I'm bringing this up for reason. He's. cuz he's your idol, you haven't met him. before, and we're at rehearsal, and we wheel him out. We're going to The. idea is we're going to wheel Bob Newhart. out in this box and then announce that.

he has 3 hours of air and then um if the. show is still going he'll he'll die. And. he's sitting in the box and it was great. because. we decided it's great if Bob doesn't. know that. Right. So he comes out and. he's he's kind of sitting on the stool. and he's kind of happy to be there and. then I announce that he has only has 3. hours worth of air and he'll die and you. just see cuz no one could do it better. than Bob. that it registered with him what I'm. saying and he doesn't say a word and.

he's also in a airtight box so you can't. see him. and he's just it's registering. Wait, what? And. so Bob couldn't be there for rehearsal. So we had you sit on the stool and be. Bob Newhart and we shot you and then. when Bob Newhart showed up we showed him. you doing it. >> was the coolest thing to have Bob. Newhart sit have me being Bob Newhart. for Bob Newhart was the coolest thing. >> it was so great. >> You were standing. Yeah. And there was. there was so many.

there was so like everyone on the show. knew each other so well and there was so. many amazing moments. I remember when. everyone knew that I was a big Red Sox. fan. So in 2011. the Red Sox were in first place at. September 1st and then they couldn't win. a game for the last month. So at the. very end of September my dad dies and we. fly to Florida and we go to the funeral. We come back. and people are coming up to me give. offering their condolences and about 80%. are talking about my dad but then I. realized 20% are talking about the Red.

Sox. >> [laughter]. >> So they said oh man I'm really sorry. I'm like oh thanks. They're like well. there's there's always next year and. it's LIKE NO [laughter] THERE. ISN'T ACTUALLY. WHAT DO YOU MEAN NEXT. [laughter] YEAR? And always they're pitching or whatever. >> No no it's going to they'll be back. Two two totally different conversations. Yeah. Yeah just so many I mean I can't I. associate you with just almost every. moment of my career. You're always there.

and you're there again and I don't know. what I would do if you told me, "Yeah, I. can't can't help you this year.". Um I mean, I know I'd be probably even. better off. Uh. No, I'm kidding. Um. No, you're I would I just wouldn't know. what to do. Well, you know, uh we've. we've had this long bond and it's also. just so many laughs. It's just so nice. to actually. have laughs every day at work and which. is uh unusual. And none of them. translate and you can't tell anybody. But we still have the laughs. >> There's so much I always thought the.

just the meeting just before I go out. and did do a show. Um the card meeting, that could be so. funny and not because of the jokes. >> Right. Oh, my god. >> And then the And then the meeting after. the show was always just fantastic cuz. then I could talk about like. if a guest was really didn't deliver, we would talk about that and it was um. that was so much fun. >> That was so But also I rooted against. guests. I wanted the show to tank so I could. have a good postmortem meeting.

But also I remember and Al Roker and I. would meet with you right after lunch. for the second half. >> Laurie Kilmartin. Laurie Kilmartin who's. Another amazing stand-up. >> Absolutely. And. then you were normal and we would talk. about our kids. We would talk about. movies. We would talk about whatever. Do. you know what I mean? When was this? When was I normal? >> This would be like the 1:00 meeting. Oh, yeah. 1:00 in the afternoon. Yeah. >> then the meeting right before the show. was totally insanity. And so the other. writers only saw the insane parts. And. it was like, "No, actually." And they'd. be like, "No, no, he can't be normal.". And I'm like, "Well, [laughter] he kind. of can." No, no, no one believes us.

>> that I was shocked that I was normal at. some part [laughter] of the day. >> No, you were like, "When was that?". >> Yeah, prove it. Let's see receipts. >> [laughter]. >> Here, 1:00 p.m. normal hour. Yeah. It's just not true. It just doesn't. happen. Uh you know, and so I'm curious. I mean, this is really isn't a staff review. This is just I love Brian Kiley and I. want to talk to him. Um you better You. better. be shipshape. Better do more leg days. Yeah. [laughter]. That would crush me. If you developed.

your legs THAT'D BE GREAT. ALSO, YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE ABOUT me. giving you about your legs? Look at. mine. >> [laughter]. >> Yeah. >> I'm I I mean yours it's so I will. I will get on other people about things. that I'm far guiltier of, which is the. most crazy thing. Well, also like there. were so many riffs on different things. and I remember remember when that. that Tommy Lee sex tape came out and so. we would we wrote all these big penis. jokes about Tommy Lee or whatever. So. [laughter] Tommy Lee's on the show and.

Conan's walking down the hall and Tommy. Lee says, "Hey Conan, I heard you've been doing jokes about. me." And Conan said, "Yeah, about how big your penis is. Feel free to do the same about me.". >> [laughter]. >> AND HE WAS LIKE, "OH YEAH, RIGHT, RIGHT." And then he got it that that's. actually not a bad thing for people to. be joking about. >> [laughter]. >> Yeah, remember that? He was like, "Oh. yeah." He was kind of menacing and then. he totally turned around. Oh, do more of. those. Yeah. That's a good thing. Yes. Um okay, one of your obsessions was you.

just. always wanted to write jokes about how. heavy Chris Christie was, Governor. Christie. And he just. it And so and you were obsessed. So. every packet I get the joke packet. Obsessed? No, no, he was. He loves because it was all jokes it's. all jokes like there was a 3.2 magnitude. earthquake in New Jersey today. When. that story would be in the news in the.

morning, like a slight tremor near. Trenton. I knew on the way in, oh god, this is. all Kylie's going to write today. And. then [laughter] every joke was that. setup and then yeah, apparently. Chris Christie joined a Jazzercise. class. [laughter]. Look how proud he still is. >> Apparently. And you would do this and. then God forbid, God forbid anywhere in. the United States, these stories would. come out, these human interest stories. and and it would be like, "A um.

semi-truck filled with candied hams. overturned on Interstate, you know, seven and uh and 900 hams covered the. highway in Iowa." Period. When he heard, >> [laughter]. >> Chris Christie said, "I'll see you. whatever it I'll see you in in Denver.". You know, like he has to immediately get. on the scene. He and and I don't know. why he just didn't go to the supermarket. and buy hams. >> [laughter]. >> as opposed to flying to the location.

>> Anytime a truck turned It just seems so. fiscally irresponsible. >> Anytime a truck turned over or a blimp. crashed and fried chicken spilled on the. highway, when he heard, {comma} Chris. Christie said, >> [laughter]. >> "Is there a Is there a bullet. Is there a jet that goes directly to. that location?". You You It was just And to this day, when those stories break and I. eventually accused you of shooting out. the tires of semi-trucks,

I came [laughter] up with this idea that. Kylie finds out what trucks are carrying. um giant hams and roast beefs and what. there's a giant truck carrying candy. apples and it's headed through Nebraska, cut to Kylie on a high hill. He's got. the itinerary of the truck. [laughter]. He's got a scope with like this He's. like a. sniper and he fires, blows out the. tires, it spills, uh you know, roast beefs spill all over. the highway and Kylie starts submitting.

jokes even before USA Today has it. >> Well, I remember when they came out with. the memo of like no more fat jokes and I. was like, "What?". >> Yo, he was devastated. And then people. were coming up to me offering their. condolences and I thought they were. talking ABOUT MY DAD. >> [laughter]. [laughter]. >> DID YOU DO ALL THE TACO BELL JOKES, TOO? Uh. Is that you? >> do a lot of Taco Bell. >> by Taco Bell under the table. [laughter]. Well, that's it was We did a lot of Taco. Bell diarrhea jokes, and then we had to.

stop because they started becoming our. sponsor, which [laughter] is a great way. to blackmail people into becoming a. sponsor for the show, you know. >> drove more companies into becoming our. sponsor. >> And you know what would help? I mean, for the podcast, we're doing great, but. to have Kyle come in occasionally, let's. pick a top brand that hasn't bought into. the show. You go after them Sure. >> with your uh. with your special humor, and then the. next thing you know, they'll call up and. go, "We. got to We got to stop this.". >> [laughter]. >> Wow, I can't believe they bought Wendy's.

bought in. Yeah. We had to send in a. monologue for um I mean, they would have. like a Writers Guild Award or something. So, we had to type it up, and we look. went through a bunch of them. So, we came with one that was like six. jokes, like five like really smart political. jokes. We're like, "This is perfect." or. whatever. And then, of course, the last. one is [laughter] a Taco Bell diarrhea. one. We're like, "Oh, we can't send that. in there.". You thought you were going to have a. smart monologue? >> Yeah. Every time there was a corrupt in. there. Yeah. Anytime there was a moment. where we thought, "Maybe we'll get a.

Peabody Award this year." [laughter]. Whatever we submitted had one Kyle. diarrhea joke in there. >> [laughter]. >> And you just could see the Peabody. committee This is very. You've checked all of our socially. responsible boxes, and diarrhea. Yeah. >> You got to keep it real, guys. >> Yeah, I know. I know. >> Yeah, I owe you a lot. Oh, please. You've cost me terribly, but I still owe you a lot. Uh no, this. was really fun. >> What was your favorite event thing to. work on with him?

Like what what do you like the What. What's more fun? >> Actually, I mean, the White House. Correspondents Dinner is pretty cool, cuz he he'd he'd do a joke, and then. they'd cut to Bob Dole laughing and we. had or whatever you know what I mean so. you see these people like that. >> I did the the Clinton and it went the. one for Clinton and it went really well. and this is when I'm still pretty new to. people. I've only been on the air for. like two years and. um people like what's you know this. guy's going to bomb and you guys. wrote just some amazing stuff. and I get up and I do it and then the.

next day I took my parents my parents. had come to see it. I took my parents. out to dinner in Washington D.C. for. brunch. And I'm just really happy that I made it. that it worked out well and I'm sitting. with my parents at a table and Bob Dole. walks by and he points at me and he says. good term limits joke. >> [laughter]. >> To have like one of the most powerful. guys in the Senate say good term limits. joke which was probably your joke but. >> Well and I also remember when you had a.

joke about you know I walked the streets. of of Washington and it's like this is. where Jefferson was and and Madison and. Hamilton and Bono and you cut to cut to. Sonny Bono who was a congressman and. he's just kind of like whatever. >> [laughter]. >> Of course tragically died two years. later in a skiing accident but. >> [laughter]. >> we got him while he was still around. yeah. Yeah uh. Jesus why'd you have to bring up how he. died? >> sorry I'm just I wanted to make sure. people knew that [laughter] this was.

that he was hearing that joke before he. died. >> Okay you weren't making fun of him after. he tragically died. >> I would never do that. cuz he's not there to cut away to. >> [laughter]. >> Oh my god. >> a heart and I'm practical. >> [laughter]. >> You can't cut to a grave it just doesn't. look good. WELL I'M SORRY. >> [laughter]. >> I'VE TRIED IT. It's called a comedy killer. Yeah tell that to Sonny Bono CUT TO HEY.

OH MY GOD. Um yeah. Well, Brian, I'm. glad you came in for your staff review. You know, >> for all the laughs and all that fun. stuff. >> I mean, uh just so many uh so many great jokes. There was one I remembered when every. celebrity was coming out with a cologne. And I I thought you wrote this one, but. it just it just it's still every now and. then I think about it which is like uh. Luciano Pavarotti's alive. Hello. And I.

said and it was true. It was in the. story that he had come out with a. cologne and you said. >> [laughter]. >> No, this wasn't mine, but. >> Oh, wasn't yours? Luciano Pavarotti uh. you know, today Luciano Pavarotti. released a scent. This time on purpose. >> [laughter]. >> Oh my god. I was so happy with that one. >> [laughter]. >> I still think about that one. But that. was not your joke. Oh, please. He. you know, I didn't I couldn't do every.

fat joke. No. Do you still remember all the jokes you. wrote? Like if you listen to his White. House Correspondents Dinner, would you. be like, I wrote that one? Uh you forget. most of them. Oh, I can't. When I look. through my whole career, I never know, you know, people will say to me. sometimes, oh, that's so you, that joke. You must have written that one and I. don't even know anymore. No, no. And and. people would compliment me on a joke and. they go, that wasn't mine. And then I. look at my computer, it's like, oh, there it is. It's like, oh, I didn't. remember that at all. Yeah. That. definitely happens. Um how are we going.

to do this here at the Oscars? Um. Taco Bell diarrhea jokes? >> Well, you know, IF IF CHRIS CHRISTIE. >> [screaming]. [laughter]. >> YOU KNOW WHAT? ANYONE LISTENING OUT. LISTEN TO THE OSCARS, if I walk out. there and the first thing I do is say, folks, we've got a great Oscars uh. uh tonight. So many stars are here, but. quickly I just got to mention a TRUCK. CARRYING. >> [laughter]. >> 900 eclairs just overturned in Newport, Rhode Island when he heard Chris.

Christie said, "GET ME TO NEWPORT.". >> [laughter]. >> CUT TO LEONARDO DiCaprio looking. confused. Timothy Chalamet. Kylie Jenner laughing really hard. Oh, she's she's like Oh, she's like, "That's. good.". Finally comes. >> She's your audience. Well, yes. And if. if he. Chris Christie if he thinks it's the. Oscar Mayer. >> [laughter]. >> He's going to make an appearance. WHAT. ARE THE WHAT OSCARS? THE HOTDOG PEOPLE? NO, THE FILM AWARD.

>> [laughter]. >> YOU'RE going to be calling him saying, "Would you do a bit where you keep. running in with a bib?". >> [laughter]. >> Saying, "Oscars, are the wieners here. yet?". No, Chris Christie. You're the worst. I'm just realizing. right now. >> [laughter]. >> you have crippled my career. Get the out of here. Ryan Kylie, God bless you, sir. >> Thank you so much. Super nice to see. you. Go Pats. >> Uh-oh, this is going to Oh boy. All. right. Oh boy. We just did that. >> Controversial. Yeah. Over and out. Cuz. when this airs they'll have already. lost. YEAH.

I SAID IT BEFORE.