Conan Claims He’s “America’s Sweetheart” | Conan O'Brien Needs A Friend

Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien. Needs a Friend. And. we're going to have a good time today. I. can just sense it in me bones. Okay. I'm like an old sea salty that way. I. feel things in me bones and I feel that. this is going to be a good one. So Sona, how are you? I'm good. I think if you were a sea. salty, I feel like it's not it's not. like a cool easy life though, right? No, it's not. All right. No, I'm a hard tough man that's grown up. on with the sea breeze in me puss.

Okay. The wind blasting across No. The. uh. Uh stop. what? Well, just I'm just going to take issue. with some of these terms. What kind of. What did you just say something in your. puss? Yeah, the old puss, the old face. Yeah, and then you're saying sea salty. That's There's a salt and there's a sea. dog, but there's nothing called a sea. salty. I Oh, I'm thinking of the cracker. I. think it's a cracker called sea salty. That's what you are. of a saltine. Yeah. Yeah, I think I'm kind of a I'm like a. saltine. I feel things in my bones.

Yeah, and I'm crispy and. that no one's really enjoyed since about. 1951. you're nauseous. Yeah. Can you even find saltines anymore? Of course. Are they out there? Yeah, yeah. Cuz I know that everything got so. specialized. Every You know, you go to. the store and all the crackers are so. like, "Oh, this one's made of, you know, this kind of seed mixed with that kind. of seed." And. you know, it's all boutique. nonsense. to crumple it up into your soup and only.

a saltine would work. Or like an old lady has to have them in. their purse. You hungry? You look thin. Here. Did they say that? You look thin? look sick. Oh, you look sick and thin. Yeah. That's a great thing for people to walk. around saying. Yeah. I think I'm going to say this and I. don't know if you can relate Gorley cuz. I'm older than you, but when I was a. kid, I felt like there was if you wanted. a cracker, you had a saltine or a Ritz. Or a graham cracker. Oh, I know, but that's different. I'm. saying if you wanted like a salty.

cracker, you had there was a saltine. Okay. Great. You're really in my flow today. That's terrific. Incredible. I I wish we had a band. together so we could suck at the same. time. Anyway, uh my point is there was basically two. types of each kind of food. That's what. it felt like to me. And if you wanted a. powdered drink, you would get like Do. you know what I mean? Yeah. They'd be like a lemonade, there'd be. one kind of lemonade or another kind,

but that was it. But there's 750 types. of each kind of food now. Yeah. So I That's why I feel like saltines. must be getting squeezed out and I worry. about them. Mhm. You really worry about saltines? Well, I did for a second and now it's. gone. Okay, that makes more sense. It I mean, if you're like staying up late worrying. about saltines. No. When I say I'm worried about. something, and this includes worried. about like my parents' health or anyone. in my family or anyone in my life is. doing, I'm talking about a momentary.

sensation. that quickly passes the second I see my. reflection. Although, we've been talking about. saltines for a good few minutes now. God damn it. What a great crispy. cracker. they are good. You can't beat them. Well, I think that if they cornered the. market on crackers then everyone got. fat, people were like maybe we should. make crackers with better ingredients. than like cardboard with salt on it. that's insulting. You're coming out. against saltines? I said I I think I like them in my soup. Okay. Yeah. Did you guys ever play that game where.

you eat a bunch of saltines and you try. to whistle? Cuz good times. Oh, and it comes shooting out and it. looks like shrapnel. Uh-huh. Yeah, I love that game. Yeah, we should do that. Uh nah, let's not. Okay. do that. Okay. Wait a minute. I'm going to tweak your. idea. Okay. slightly of who should do it to what's. never do it. Okay. So I took what you said and slightly. tweaked it. Uh-huh, yeah. We'd be great in a band. together. You're right. Trust me. Yeah. You with your sousaphone. um me with my sweet Stratocaster. and personality.

and personality, yes. I mean, problematic personality. Hey, I'm America's sweetheart. Oh. No, it's true story. It used to be Julia. Roberts was America's sweetheart and. then they notified me recently that it. has been passed to me. like People's sexiest person alive? It's kind of but it's not done by People. magazine. It was just a given that Julia. Roberts was America's sweetheart for. like 25 years. It went from her to you? I swear to God, I was as shocked as you. guys were. I thought it was a gas bill. and I just opened the envelope and it.

said Julia Roberts is no longer. America's sweetheart. Now it's you, Conan O'Brien and there's all this all. this responsibility. Who sent Who sent it? Yeah. You know what? I looked into it and it. seems pretty legit and I don't want to. talk too much about it. Really? Oh, you looked into it. It seems legit. but you don't want to say who sent it to. you. any chance sent by Conan O'Brien? It just said C. O'Brien. Okay, yeah. It said C. O'Brien and it smelled of. smelled of alcohol. So, it's possible I wrote it late at. night and mailed it to myself.

crumpled up saltines in it. saltines in it. What I thought I thought. it was glitter. I was like, this is. exciting and I started waving it around. the room. and just saltines everywhere. But. anyway, if you're curious, yes, I'm now. America's sweetheart. Oh boy, America really is at the end of. its rope. Forget the democracy thing. We're done. Forget Forget January 6th. Forget the. threat against our whole system of. democracy. I think this is the end. This.

is the final blow.