Chris Fleming (FULL EPISODE) | Conan O'Brien Needs A Friend

Hi, [music] my name is Chris Fleming and. I feel in the constant threat of. physical danger being Conan O'Brien's. [laughter]. >> and you should and you should Chris. Fleming. [music]. >> Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien. needs a friend joined by my squad. of Matt Gorly. How you guys doing? >> Hi, >> I'm good. Um, as you know, uh, I, um, confounded by the world around me.

>> Yeah. >> So much has changed so rapidly. I, like. a lot of people, find myself sometimes. going down an Instagram hole. >> really. >> And, um, I I think a lot of people do. that. But I found sometimes that, oh my. god, I just lost 20 minutes of my life. And I have very specific interests. I. mean, I'm a Beatles fanatic, but I also. love guitar. I I love these there these. different things. Vintage Batman clips. from the '60s. So Instagram is starting. to know me and they're firing these. different ads at me and a lot of them. are for oh here's a cool little mini.

guitar neck that you can take on an. airplane flight so you can practice. chord shapes and it connects to your. phone and uh the magic is all these ads. that I get sucked into are very tempting. because everything's about like $48 or. you know it's it's all an amount where. you think oh that's harmless. It's a. water pick that can go in your back. pocket that, you know, cleans your teeth. and it's takes an AA. Everything takes. like a double A battery. So, I I I don't.

know. They're starting to figure out who. I am. Instagram, I say they, but. Instagram, the the the algorithm is. figuring out who I am. And so, this is. very disturbing. Lately, I started. getting um bombarded with these ads for. something that converts any bottle in. your car into something that you can. urinate into. [laughter] And it and so. if you're on like a if you're driving. and you're stuck in LA traffic, as one. can be, you can snap this thing onto the.

mouth of an empty bottle and it fits. snugly over your equipment and um yeah, there's also a vibrate mode. Hello. Um, no, no, it it's just for urinating into. a bottle. And I've I don't have that. problem or anything. But I keep getting. this ad and I'm thinking, what about me. screams I I need to urinate into a. bottle in? >> It would have to be what you're watching. on Instagram. >> I know, but I mean, >> you're watching piss content.

>> I'm not. I swear to God, I'm not. I. don't know why this is coming after me. And everything else that I get does. relate to a lot of its guitar stuff and. a lot of it's they know I like kind of. gadgety things. >> Your phone also listens to you. So if. maybe if you just said once I really. have to use the bathroom. >> or I'm really into peeing in a bottle. >> Yeah. Or maybe like who's the guy in the. aviator again that Leonardo DiCaprio. played? Howard. >> Howard Hughes. Remember he saved his. urine. He just saved his maybe you come. off as the urine saving guy. Maybe.

that's possible. No. And I'm open to I'm. not defensive on this topic at all. I. didn't know if it was an agist thing. because I'm not the youngest one in the. room right now. Um and I I didn't know. if it's that, >> but I don't recall. I'm not the kind of. person, Eduardo, that's a fair point. that your phone is listening to you, but. I don't think I've ever said, "God, I. love bottle urinating." You know, [laughter]. >> and I don't I'm not someone who. perpetually complains about I've got to. urinate a lot cuz I don't think I do.

So, what is it about me? What triggered. this? >> Maybe it's the music. You always look at. like. >> my favorite band is PP Party. [laughter]. >> It's true. >> To like guitars, maybe they think you're. a m musician who's on the road a lot and. then a lot of people who are on the road. a lot pee in bottles. >> I mean, Tac used to tell me a lot of his. bandmates used to pee in bottles. Oh. god, they're going to be so mad I said. that. >> The worst part is that we're all going. to get this algorithm now. We're all. going to get bottle piss. >> My phone right now. I just heard my.

phone. my phone. My my phone is sitting on the desk and I. I just heard it go H. Got it. [laughter]. >> I was like, what was that phone? Uh, [clears throat] nothing. Proceed. [laughter]. Proceed, pee pe man. BUT HEY, PHONE, I. don't want you listen to me. No problem. Better make up with your wife. [laughter]. >> For what? >> This morning you seem kind of testy. Hey, phone. [laughter] See you in the. steel dossier.

>> Yeah. >> Uh yeah, I love my phone just listening. and making little kind of like Iago in a. fellow comments like, "Oh well.". >> Oh, that's a juicy one. What's that. phone? Nothing. [laughter]. Why don't you get back to your. podcasting, Mr. Wee Wee! [laughter]. Jesus, iPhone, take it easy. Maybe I'm not an iPhone. We don't want to alienate other carriers. [laughter] and manufacturers. >> Oh my god.

>> Thank you. Um, nondescript phone. >> I love that even your phone cares about. our sponsor. >> I know. [laughter]. >> So stupid. >> Tanisha is going to be furious. [laughter]. >> Tanisha is working with [laughter]. another phone company right now. >> Okay. Okay, phone. Just take it easy. By. the way, you should get that cough. looked after. [laughter] What? Um, >> oh my god, it's so stupid. >> Hey, my guest today is a hilarious.

comedian who's currently on tour and. tickets are available at chris fleming. fleming.com. What can I say? I love this gentleman. Thrilled he's here today. Chris Fleming, welcome. [music]. >> I have some things to say about this. man. First of all, first of all, hey, this is my podcast, which means I speak. and you say nothing. [laughter]. >> Now, let's start the interview. >> Every time I've been a fan of this guy a.

long time, and there's something about. you. You are catnip to me. Whenever I. see this guy, >> Yeah. >> I immediately walk up, grab you by the. arm, >> walk up. >> What do I do? >> You Well, his prey drive kicks in. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. I'm [laughter] attacked. If I. don't see him first, I get warned that. Flanny from Largo at a party. He said, "Chris, I think Conan spotted. You. better get out of here." [laughter]. >> You better get out of here and make it. quick. >> And he may look like my paternal. grandma, but he's strong. [laughter].

>> Especially when he's got a little white. wine in him, it fortifies him. [laughter]. >> And outside of when he's got no stage. makeup on, he's featureless. So, you. can't even see him. [laughter] You can't. see him coming. It's like a land. formation that looks like a human being. [laughter]. And then all of a sudden he's coming at. me. >> Now people are going to think this is a. bit. >> it is true that anytime it started I. believe I invited you to my Christmas. party. >> and as a bit because everyone is way.

more famous than me there. It's like Tom. Hanks. You have like Hallebertton. executives there. >> Yeah. [laughter]. >> I'm big with Hallebertton people. >> and to make people from the defense uh. the landmine people are there. the. people that manufacture them, not the. people that are trying to stop them. >> One of the Castros was [laughter] there, I think. >> Well, well, you used to have both. Castros till Fidel died. But, you know, >> to make me feel comfortable, cuz I was. and like I also like a bunch of. realtors, I think, there he to make me. feel comfortable. Conor will be like, I. just invited you to be kind. I don't.

actually want you here. And then he'll. grab me by the waist and drag me down. his long hallway and throw me out the. door. I always physically because I have. a thing with you where I think you're. one of my brothers. The brother I should. have had. >> Yeah, >> that's your right Neil instead of Neil. Um I [laughter] I should have uh I. should have you I feel like I have that. relationship with you. And I I have no. right to think that but I have no. problem laying hands on you, dragging. you out of my house and throwing you out. of the house. And then you of course.

scuttle back in. And you do it also not. just so in the house everyone's like. haha Conan's doing his bits but he does. it in public so he'll he did it in. Texas. >> Yes. We were at uh we were in Austin. >> Yeah. [laughter]. >> We were in Austin and there was a Four. Seasons hotel and I'm standing up in. front and all of a sudden this. >> big it was uh what's the big festival. they have there? South by Southwest. I. was doing something there and then I get. back to the hotel and I'm waiting to go. to the airport or something and this. this car pulls up and um you uh you're.

the chauffeur. >> No, I was under it like Cape Fear. [laughter]. >> in a tankini and he and he sees me and. he just starts. >> and the door opens and Chris Fleming. steps out and I'm there at a hotel and. there's tons of people around. The. minute he I don't even know he's going. to be there. He steps out and I. instantly grabbed you. >> I had to say, "Oh, no. We don't even say. hi.". >> I grabbed him and started to drag him. down the long uh driveway of the Four.

Seasons Hotel in Austin. >> while yelling security, get him out of. here. And security in Austin, they're. not improv train. They didn't go through. the ground [laughter] range. So, they're. kind of coming up cuz I look like. someone. >> who might be an issue to you. Of course, I look like [laughter] a super fan in. Omaha or something. >> Yeah. Who wants Who really thinks we're. connected? >> Hey, take it easy. I'm sensing more. anger than excitement there. >> And then Yeah. And then that happens at. parties. And then the thing is at. parties, I'm genuinely running from you.

and you're coming at me. >> You really Well, at Sarah Silverman's, you saw me and you took off and I took. off after you. >> I had to put my drinks down. >> Yes. He had two drinks. He had to put. them down. [laughter]. And today you walked into the podcast. with a tea and whatever that is guava. berry extract and you put them both I. said put him down put him [laughter]. down because I'm a kind attacker. I let. him put his drinks on. >> Then he started crawling. >> You started crawling. [laughter]. >> Yeah. Because you're so high up. It's. it's like uh it's what you're supposed. to do when the birds come for you,

>> right? [laughter] Or a nuclear bomb. >> when they come from the sky. >> Yeah. Ducking ducking cover. And what. did you tell me at that party as I'm. running by like Olivia Wild being like, "Excuse me?". >> I don't remember. What did I. >> You said, "I want to make a like a. pillow, a life-sized pillow out of you. so I can thrash it around in the. [laughter] yard.". >> OH MY GOD. I DO WRONG WITH YOU. >> I want a I want a full life-siz Chris. Fleming pillow. And I would just attack. it like a like a Rottweiler and be like. [laughter] stuffing would be flying out. of it because stuffing flies out of him.

when you shake. >> Oh yeah. Out of my nostrils. Um, I got. to say some nice things really quickly. You'll be uncomfortable, but let's do. this. >> Let's mute my mic. >> Chris Fleming. Number of years ago, my. young children who are very good uh. finders of great comedy, they come to me. and they say, "Dad, you have to watch. this guy." And I'm like, "Leave me. alone. I'm I'm I'm signing 8 by10s to. myself." [laughter]. >> Um, >> you're doing a lot of online gambling,

too, at this point. I was online. gambling. >> Yeah. >> Uh and that's why I had to sell more 8. by10s. >> They say there's this [laughter]. character named Gail Waters Waters. You. have to see it. And my wife and I start. watching them. We become addicted. One. of the greatest, most fully realized. characters I've seen. Just looking at. these YouTube clips, I'm I'm blown away. Then I find out that you're doing a show. >> at Largo. And so I go and I see your.

show and I'm I can't get enough. I'm. addicted to this Chris Fleming fool. >> And when you come to my shows, you. always he always texts me is asking if. there's a helellipad that he can land. on. [laughter]. >> I'm always saying that. >> And he says, "I don't want to be. conspicuous." And then he's in the. audience rotisserie style. [laughter]. >> Yeah. >> Are you ever worried he's going to rush. the stage and try to tagle you? He puts your wife told me that you that. you've that you are kind of like. [laughter]. >> Yeah. >> like a bull wanting to get. >> you want to charge the stage. Um.

>> the fact that you're a ham it does. surprise me. >> A what. >> a ham. Like you you you love I I don't. think I have that as much as you do. The. fact when you see a stage, you want to. be on it. >> I'm I'm enraged. I I can see [laughter]. a a fantastic production of, you know, like with the biggest greatest Broadway. stars of, >> you know, Hamlet. >> and I'll be IN THE AUDIENCE. WHY AREN'T. I UP THERE? >> YEAH. [laughter] Do you know any of. Hamlet? >> NO.

>> YOU DO. >> BUT you want to do Hamlet on Broadway. [laughter]. >> Uh, yes. I. >> You could be Oilia wandering around. >> Yes, I could. >> Tackling people. Did Oilia do that? >> Yeah. Um, so anyway, I see your show. Love that. And then I start watching all. of your I know you retired Gail Waters. Waters, but you made this ad that had me. crying for a car. Remember that? [laughter]. >> Oh, the. 222. >> The 2022 Candelier, which is a car. And.

you had terrible animation for it. And. it was a car that wouldn't exist, shouldn't exist. >> I made it out of like PVC piping from uh. Home Depot. I spent like a day in Home. Depot building the Candelier. >> And the Candelier is just this terrible. car that No, it's way too big, right? It's shaped. It's badly shaped. >> It's a I think two and a half lanes and. you [laughter] have to lie face down in. it like a seal. And [laughter] I don't I. forget exactly. >> And then I find out that you made this. pilot that was looking for a home. You.

sent me the pilot and I watched the. pilot help me. >> Help me. So, uh, I watched the pilot and. that in so many places had me crying. specifically for no reason. Your. character when he decides to run runs. backwards for no reason. And there's a. call back to it later on where you see a. like a giant moon and you see a. silhouette of you running backwards. >> when he's traumatized. when he's. traumatized, he runs backwards and he. runs across the across the moonscape.

>> And I just thought, why? How is it that. he and I don't live on an island. together [laughter]. >> do this foolishness. >> because I'm doing it. >> off the coast of Oregon. >> I'm doing it for my staff. I'm doing it. I'm doing it to my staff, to my family, and everyone's rolling their eyes and. saying, "Please go away." And there's. this other person out there who's doing. this absolute foolishness. >> Your twin flame. And you also tried to. save that show and send it to Netflix. And that guy who then tried to get it. sent up got fired immediately.

>> Oh, really? Yeah. Okay. I like getting. people fired. >> Um, [laughter]. >> and so I've a massive fan and what I. will say and then I go on to see your. you did a a standup tour and I went and. saw your standup and I'm just following. this guy around. Um, I I can't say. enough good about your work. And one of. the things I want to say before we get. really stupid again is I I cannot think. of another comedian that I've seen who.

comes up who's so prolific at instantly. coming up with amazing references and. images and it's you're like a savant. >> What about Adams? Better. [laughter]. >> Better. >> Thank you, Conan. Thank you very much. You're very sweet. >> I can't even say his name now. I'd. vomit. >> You're very sweet to me. >> Uh, no, you're just the things that you. say are little crystallin gems that come.

shooting out [laughter] of your mouth. I'm like, what? How does How are you. able to do that? I I've always sort of. prided myself on being able to come up. with things quickly. And then I. >> You hear way faster. Oh my god. The. things you must say in your car when. you're drive cruising down the. [laughter] 134. >> blasting Larry Mantel and Buista social. car. >> There he goes. There he goes. >> I I I can only imagine the things your. dashboard has hurt, [laughter]. >> but thank you. >> My dashboard is in therapy anyway. >> You know what you know what you're like? You're like the mob. You're like the. Boston Mafia when they break your arm.

and then they and they give you the cash. to pay for it. You know? >> Yeah. That's what I always do. >> Once you thrash me around, >> then I say. >> and then you say incredibly sweet. things. But now we're back to the. thrashing. You monster. [laughter]. Um. I first of all I think we have some bond. that comes from You're from Stow. Massachusetts, >> correct? >> Uh I'm from Brooklyn. And there's a. Massachusetts thing. I don't know what. it is. Do you have any insight into. that? >> Yeah, we're the pro what what we're our. bond is that we're too wiggly for.

Massachusetts. >> and the fact that we. >> Yeah. >> Yes. the fact that we all about planting. your feet. >> and letting all that chowder settle and. [laughter] uh. >> you know what I mean and then. >> socks [screaming]. all that [laughter] and then you and I. are these wiggle worms. >> Mhm. >> Yeah. >> People are always comparing me to those. socks that at a car sale thing uh you. know car lot that are going and you are.

too. You are a wiggling worm. >> Yeah. That's why, you know, I think. Massachusetts, if they could have a time. machine, the one thing they would. change, they would stop Elvis from. shaking his hips. [laughter]. >> And wear a a Boston Red Sox cap. >> That's right. >> And don't sing so much. >> That's right. >> Just talk about the Red Sox. >> You You probably You probably at least. know a little bit about the Boston Red. Sox, right? >> Yeah. Yeah. No, I know absolutely. nothing. >> No, no, no, no. Like even even growing. up, like the jocks were like this like. he needs a conservatorship for me.

[laughter] Those are good jobs that know. conservatorship. >> Yeah. >> Hey, that guy needs a conservatorship. [laughter]. It should be legally placed a caut in. his parents' will. Who is this guy? He's. an idiot about everything but. conservatorships. [laughter]. [gasps]. The uh. duh the wow, he's really stupid. conservatorships [laughter]. as set down in Massachusetts state law.

section. Uh, [laughter] do you. >> There's that Harvard education coming. out. >> It wasn't that. I had this before. Harvard. They made me stupider. [laughter]. >> Just tell me a little bit about young. Chris Fleming. What is it about your. origin story that creates this fellow. that's. >> sitting across from me drinking way too. many liquids self-consciously? Well, I. mean, I don't like I don't like the pre. the praise is freaking me out. >> Yeah. Yeah. Okay, we'll get past that. >> Okay. Well, I mean, okay. First, growing.

up with women, that was the big one. That's how this happens. >> You had a lot of women in your life and. that. >> I think I was raised, you know, almost. uh in m within Massachusetts to have. that kind of I was raised to be more. feminine or whatever. >> Yeah. >> And the masculine was kind of. >> it was it was do not. >> right. >> Do not go there. >> Right. Right. And so I think that's how. we start. >> Okay. You start with surrounded by. women. Um. >> then I get into Michael Flattley. [laughter].

>> Okay. Is everyone out there listening? This is these are rules to be a comedy. genius. Lot of women around you and then. lots of Michael Flatly. >> So much so that I Okay. I had I had a. poster of Michael Flatly up in my It's. like. >> Did you really Is this real? >> Totally real. Less a poster, more. something I printed out from my computer. [laughter]. >> and then put it up and. >> more of a mosaic you made over a. six-year period. >> Do we know Michael Flattley? Oh yeah, it's the lore of the day. Do we love. Michael? >> You know he's from Chicago. >> I didn't know. >> Yeah, it's like if it's like finding out.

from Seattle. He's Italian. >> Yeah, he's Italian. >> It's so He's not He's also Native. American. >> I thought he was from Ireland. >> You would think I did some Anyway, so he. comes out on stage. I I see River Dance. live. He comes out within seconds. Exhibits every cluster B personality. disorder that that there is. I mean, this the way that he's peacocking. around. I've never seen anything like. it. And I said, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.". >> So, you want to be a dance? >> Oh, yeah. Big time. >> So, surrounded by women flatly and you.

light up. >> Light up. I try to do Irish step dance. in my bedroom. Tear my meniscus. I have. to go under 6 months of physical. therapy. >> For real? >> For real. >> Did you tell people it was from trying. to do an Irish step dance in your. bedroom or did you tell them football. injury? >> No, it was incredibly No, everyone knew. my kne everyone knew I wasn't going near. the football field. Is this a lingering. injury or can you dance now? >> My right is a little I can still dance. The doctor told me I would never dance. again [laughter] which you prove. >> In Massachusetts they love to give you a.

grim prognosis. I got diagnosed as red. green color blind also in kindergarten. Really? You know it's only men that get. it? >> Yes, I do know that. Yeah. >> He told me that I would never go into. space. I'm in kindergarten. >> Yeah. >> He's like you're never you'll never go. He told you you'll never go into space. You can't fly. You can't go into Air. Force. Same thing happened to my. >> United States terrestrial. I'm I'm. [laughter]. >> on land. >> in space. So, it's like, okay, one of. three jobs I'm aware of is no longer an. option. >> Yes. >> I'll go be a cowgirl there. >> What [laughter] if you should have told. him my dream is to be a flying dancer?

>> A pilot who dances while he flies the. plane. >> I'M TELLING YOU, THAT'S NOT GOING TO. HAPPEN. [laughter]. >> FLYING dancer is a really sexy name for. something like a soft rock album. >> Yeah, flying dancing dancer. >> But, okay. So, by Toto. >> So, that [laughter]. I I went to what you're describing. actually. >> about me. [laughter]. I got him. Sometimes I just make a little noises. >> I did this on my wife's my first date.

with my wife. We get in the car together. and I'm we're in like a a cab or. something and I and I just said, "Uh, yeah, we're going to go to 30, you know, whatever 35th and Broadway." And I went. [laughter]. and Liza didn't know me that well. And. she was like, "Huh?" And I went, "Yeah, you can. This is a good way to go.". And then I was. >> laughing. >> No, she just said she was looking for. the doorbell. >> Oh my god. And I thought I should. present who I should present [laughter]. who I really am up front. And I was.

doing all these muttering bits in the. car, which you know all too well, >> Sona. >> And um she just did the eiest thing. She. just pretended it wasn't happening. [laughter]. And uh anyway, so I don't know why I. threw one of those in there. I don't. think I've done that much on the. podcast, but you were talking and I'm. like, >> "Yeah, >> I'm too comfortable. Go ahead. Keep. chomping.". >> No, keep making sounds. Oh, they hate. you in there, buddy. >> Boba, you want some of this? I got I got.

Nikki Glazer into this. It's like. whoever got Miles Davis in a Heroin. [laughter] Who was it? I think it was. Bubé. Michael Bubé. >> Bubé on Boba. Bubé on. People are going to be really People get. really sensitive about chewing. >> Yep. >> That sounds like. >> Michael Michaela is on Boba. >> Michael Bub's. >> You know who's also on it? Boba Fett. Now we're talking. >> Um I saw Nikki Glazer recently do a show. and I was like, she's way off. And then. I said to someone, [laughter] is she on.

Boba now? >> You want to hit this cone? >> You going to Okay. Another thing. >> in three days I'm one year off Boba. >> Another thing about this, >> get it away from me. My friend who's a. comic, Jake. He said, >> "Oh, I know comics, too.". >> He said, [laughter]. >> "My friend who's a comic. Oh, I feel. threatened all of a sudden.". >> He had a story. [laughter]. I'm not just. >> I'm not just giving the professions of. friends for no reason. >> My friend who's a dancing pilot, [laughter] you'll never be one. >> He told me he was like, "I used to be. impressed by what you do." And then I. had your what you had for Boba. And I. go, I could [laughter] do that, too.

>> If you had this every day. >> So, are you chewing on one of the little. Boba bubbles? >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm chewing on one of. the Boba bubbles. [music]. This is fascinating to me. You grow up, it's run by women, uh, Michael Flattley, um, Torren ACLU. >> And I would go to plays like what you. would, what you're saying is exactly. what I felt like as a child going to. musicals and seeing the comic relief and. I go, "Oh, I could that leg work. I.

could do I could get 80% more laughs by. w moving my legs a certain way." And my. legs have I don't know if your body has. this. My legs have a different brain on. stage. When I'm like. >> Oh, yeah. >> They kick in. It's like not think I'm. not thinking. And my leg my leg body my. leg mind. >> is all over the map. >> Yeah. >> So you uh when do you get what's your. first experience with comedy? You doing. improv? You doing sketches? You doing. standup? What are you doing? >> What are you doing? >> Musicals. And uh and then well pre Okay.

Preschool it was a silent play. Peter. Rabbit. I played Farmer McGregor and I. was super shy, but I wouldn't stop. talking. >> That pesky rabbit, we got to get I was. counting tomatoes. Okay, Farmer. McGregor. >> Did they tell you you don't really need. to talk? >> Let's keep it down. So, that was the. first that was the first sign of uh of. that impulse. >> You got the bug. Yeah, >> I got the bug. And then and then I. started making videos with my friends in. high school. >> See, this is the thing that I think is. miraculous about this new era. People.

like to and moan about this new. world we're in, social media, and all. the ills. I think it's been a godsend in. a lot of ways for people like you, because you didn't have to compromise at. all. No. >> When you started making your videos, you. were. >> you were going for 120%. >> Yeah. >> Chris Fleming. >> Uh like it or don't, none of my. business. Um not I'm going to croll you. into liking me. There was no sense of.

neediness coming off of it. It was this. is me being funny in the way I like to. be funny. Yeah. >> Um and if you're out there and you like. this, >> uh cool. And I think you've just been, >> like I said, you're a really hard. worker. You're very prolific. You're. wildly creative. And you could just put. this out in the purest form yourself. That was not possible. No. Can you. imagine the world if you know you came.

along in the 1960s or '7s? >> I'd be the uni bomber. Yeah, >> you'd be the uni bomber. And you. [laughter] know what? >> That would have been pretty good, too. >> Oh, yeah. I would have done it cute. >> No, you [laughter]. mean the the the letters you wrote. wouldn't have been all about our sick. society. It would have been more like. funny bits. >> I'd be one of those guys that steals. tropical fish from a store or something, you know, and then does something. [laughter]. >> Remember in Maine when that guy there. was like a hermit who would go in and. break into Remember that? >> Yeah. >> Yeah. There was a guy who lived uh in Maine as.

a hermit. He just decided to try it. He. just parked his car and walked into the. woods and then. >> basically walked around and broke into. vacation homes in the winter and lived. in the woods. >> I read a book about him recently. >> Really fascinating. Yeah, there's a book. on him. It was great. It was a short. read, really good. And he was in the And. then they finally caught him breaking. into a house after 15, 20 years of. living. He was taking people's fish. He. was taking No, he was he just living?

>> No. No. He would he would stay there. He'd get their food and then he'd live. in the woods and he you. >> he live off like panko and stuff. >> Yeah. >> Oh, okay. I don't see a problem. >> I didn't see this crime. >> I'm going [laughter] to say I didn't see. this detour coming. >> Oh, sorry. >> And I didn't prepare. >> Well, I was just trying to imagine what. would happen if I didn't have access to. to Wi-Fi [laughter] to upload my stuff. >> I'm just trying to envision that. >> What do you think would have happened to. me? I would have been I would have been. boned. Maybe maybe if they rebooted Mad. TV for like Daily Motion or something.

>> I don't think I don't know. I don't know. what would have happened. I think about. this for myself. You know, I think about. this all the time, which is. >> put me in a world where there is no. place to be a total maniac. >> And I'm a babbling idiot in a field. And. my job is in Ireland is to like place. the stones and build a stone wall. And. I'm saying, "Yeah, I'll I'll put up the. stone in the stone wall, but first I'm. Stonewall Mc Stonerton. Look [laughter].

at me now. Oh, Mwy Mcon. Now I'm his his. evil boss." Oh, yes. His evil boss. And. and and people would just be. >> I'm his dead wife. >> Yeah. I'm his dead wife. [laughter]. >> She died a year ago. The milk sickness. >> Oh, I pay me respects. [laughter] You. would You would act out in a very public. way. >> I would act out, which is always used to. do. You still do. >> I know. It's a It's a problem. It's an. unscratchable itch that you have, >> right? >> Which is good. >> Why? >> Because it makes you continue to be fun. >> I hope so. >> Even though you you would think See, if.

I were you, I would imagine I'd be I'd. be tired. >> No, [laughter] no, you you are so. energized. >> I'm energized. >> You have so much physical. >> kinetic energy. >> But I'm curious. Uh are you There are. there are two kinds of comedians. the. ones that are themselves always. [clears throat]. >> I have that disease and then they're the. ones that are brilliantly funny, but if. you talk to them when they're not, >> they're really sullen. >> They're like, um, yeah, okay, well, I.

better get up and then they get up there. and and it's really great. You strike me. as more my type, >> but I. >> I'm not as I'm not as wild as you, I. don't think, in my daily life, but I I. don't see a dis that much of a. distinction. I definitely part of my. onstage stuff is me responding to the. stress of being on stage and then using. that emotion to then kind of re act a. certain way and using that energy. So. it's it is heightened. Absolutely. Right.

>> But I don't see uh a line between that, you know, come nightfall I'm not. different than I than I was during the. day. >> Are you medicated? No. >> You would think I I probably should be. >> This is me medicated. [laughter]. which. >> oh wow. >> and it's like. >> I don't know I do feel like they shot me. with horse tranquilizers they be like. horse tranquilizer [laughter]. kick me again doc. >> and and you and you also with fans are. doing full heralds out in the streets.

>> full bits bits everywhere I had to be. stopped cuz I went with uh Liza and the. kids up to see Liza's in-laws and we. went to this place it's called like. snowwami and there's a place like. Squamish Lake and I'm like Squamish. about Squamish and I'm talking to people. and I'm doing bits for people and my son. just went, "Please [laughter] stop.". >> He said it like lurch on the Adams. family. >> Your son Your son who is so composed. >> He's so composed. >> He's so composed. >> and who adores you, by the way. Thinks.

you're really thinks you're funny. >> Yeah. >> Which also makes you mad. Also, I saw. >> enrages me. >> I think also sometimes is it Are you. ever doing bits in public where people. don't quite recognize? I mean, you're. obviously so recognizable, but on the I. saw a video. It doesn't matter if. someone doesn't recognize. I don't care. Doesn't matter. They're going to get. they're going to get whatever sick thing. is in there. >> I saw a video of you at a music. festival. Like. >> you look like Reese Witherspoon and. Wild, you know, like you [laughter]. >> Yeah, that was what I was going for. >> It was incredible. >> I took my daughter to a music festival. and.

>> I think you were trenchoot in there. >> I did. It was a big field and I'm. >> You look good. >> Oh, thank you. >> What is that like when you're there? When you're at the music festival. Um, I. mostly am stunned by how much older I am. than everybody. It's stunning. It. [laughter] is absolutely stunning. because everyone there is 20, 21, 22, [clears throat]. >> and then there's me who who voted for. Eisenhower in an election. Uh, and I'm. um I'm just.

>> nothing will make you feel older as a. dad than going to a music festival. And. I'm also thinking like how come none of. these ladies are wearing pants? [clears throat]. >> Yes. [laughter]. >> Don't they get cold at night? >> Yes. I'VE STARTED FEELING LIKE. >> SOME PANTS. >> YEAH. YEAH. >> I don't know. It's so I never see you. being that way. I think you're always. going to be. >> When a young person doesn't have their. midruff out, they're Republican. >> Mhm. [laughter] Right. >> That's what it's. >> So here's my question. So are you more. wood sprite? Are you [laughter] elf? Uh.

are you a a fantasm? Uh what are you? [laughter] Are you are you a creature. made of leaves? I mean, what are you. >> in this boulay? I'm all I'm all the. above in your boulay. >> I have a question for the room. Has any. guest moved the chair around more than. Chris Fleming? You have. >> since you move it a lot. >> Yeah, I think you do. >> You know, in uh in Heat, >> you know who didn't move at all? >> Pacino. >> Okay. But you know when Pacino and. Daener are talking in Heat in the diner? >> Yeah. >> And and and and Daener's moving a little.

bit in case Pacino takes out the cuffs. Yeah, >> that's what I'm doing cuz I know you're. coming for me. >> Yeah, I'm here's my situation. I'm on. the down side of a marriage. That's uh. that's the. >> What's a normal life to you? Barbecues. and ball games. >> Yeah, [laughter]. >> I watch that on loop. >> That works uh both ways. If I see you. coming, uh maybe I got to put you down. >> And there's another flip side to that. coin. >> Yeah. >> If you see me see you coming, [laughter]. >> I'm going to put me down. If I see you.

coming towards me, if I see you and. you're headed towards me about to put. yourself down, [laughter] I may have to. come over to where you are and put. myself down before so I'm down before. you. >> And there's another side of that lake. >> Wait, we're on a lake now. >> If I see you seeing me thinking about. putting yourself down, I'm going to. draft up my own suicide pact that I'm. going to have you sign so that I can. [laughter]. put you down. >> Why you breaking? Why you laughing? This. is a serious matter.

>> Let me tell you, there's a flip flop. side to this flip-flop. Okay? We're. going to look at the other side of the. onion. Now, we're inside the volcano. looking out. Okay? If I see you headed. my way, and you're going to put yourself. down on the other side of the. [clears throat] lake, >> I'm going to take what you've done. I'm. going to take that note. I'm going to. copy it. I'm going to put it through. chat GPT and submit it to Columbia. University. >> I'm not sure what ChatGpt is, but if I. tunnel to China, [laughter]. >> there's a flip-flop side. I I I have the. same thing. I think we're probably. obsessed with the same moments in.

movies. We're just I that. >> where Pacino needs notes but isn't. getting them. [laughter]. >> Yeah, exactly. >> Come on. It's like Well, if he weren't. Pacino, they would say, "Hey, let's dial. that back a little bit.". >> He has a crazy shout in heat. >> Oh, I mean the the ass. >> The ass. Yeah. >> His eyes bug. I guess it was. >> Can you do it for me? Cuz I can't. remember the exact. >> I don't even want to try it, but it's. Hank's area. Yes. Cowering in fear. And. he goes, "I don't know why I got caught. up with that bitch." And then Pacino.

whips around and goes, "Cuz she's got a". and he forgets his line for a second. His his his eyelids vanish AND HE GOES, >> "GREAT ASS." [laughter]. >> YES, >> YOU GOT YOUR HEAD ALL THE WAY UP IT. AND. AND HANK IS just like, >> "Hanka, [laughter]. >> Hankaser's head goes back through the. chair.". >> And that's how Pacino delivered every. line in every movie after that. Anything. that Pacino does, anything, >> I'm with it all the way. He is my. favorite actor. I can't take my eyes off.

of him. I forgive. I don't even forgive. it. I think whatever he does is by. definition fantastic. >> Oh my god. >> Snapping his fingers, telling his wife. why he's got to stay on the edge. >> Well, I got to be. >> Yeah. >> Um, when are we going to start. >> kicking the TV? Kicking the TV out of. his car. Remember the the guy who was. hooking up with his wife? By the way, screen Heat and then listen to this. podcast. >> I [laughter] know. I'VE NEVER SEEN IT, SO I'm not spoiler alert. It's so good. >> Yeah. It's like the climax of Heat is.

him kicking a TV out of his car in. downtown LA and they're blasting the. song Ultramarine. Anyway, yeah, we should watch it. together. >> Listen, um you uh took us down another. road. There've been a few little uh. culdeacs you've taken us down. >> Yeah. >> And I won't stand for it. Um, I want to. get us back on track here for a little. bit. [clears throat]. >> Pacino made another movie any given. Sunday. [laughter]. >> See, that's sports related. >> You have said you have said that your. concern.

>> sometimes is that you're not weird. enough. That's a quote of yours. And I'm. here to tell you, sir, fear not. [laughter]. Fear not. >> I'm here. I want to I want you to have. me on speed dial. And whenever you have. that fear, call me and I will talk to. you, little freak. Yeah. Yeah. >> I do. You know what I mean by that when. I say like it's not. >> Yeah. Well, my that your fear is you. might catch your reflection when you're. doing something slightly that's hacky or.

you feel like this was my first thought. It wasn't my third thought. >> No, you know, I do first thought. I do. I'm fully impulsive. I don't I don't go. through I don't I don't have more than. one, >> right? >> I just kind of boom boom boom boom boom. But it's like I think it was starting. out in standup in such a esoteric little. club in Cambridge. Everyone was so. freaky that I as a child felt I started. in high school doing stand up and so I. felt kind of. >> you know inadequate around the weirdos.

The true weirdo I did I I honor. >> you felt you felt that you were not. freaky enough. That's right. When you. were starting out [clears throat]. >> um that blows my mind. I want to meet. these other people. I want to meet these. other. >> Oh yeah. tribles. [laughter] Just. imagine. little fuzzy people with one eyeball, a. single leg that comes out and. [laughter]. >> you're not weird enough, Chrisming. >> They're building crafts. >> Yeah. [laughter]. >> Yeah. >> We must go back to our planet now.

>> Seaorthy. No, no, they want to go. They're building a ship. >> They're building a ship. Very nice. Uh. yeah, that's and so you start to do. Here's a I had this experience when I. went to see your show uh your standup. show here in LA at the Wilshire. >> At the Wilshire Ebel. Yeah. And I went. to see it. >> and I'm walking in, we park, um my wife and my kids are walking. towards the theater and we see all these. people who you could just tell are here.

to see Chris Fleming. And I mean that in. the nicest way. They're really creative. Everybody's. was everyone was on the exact same. frequency and we all packed this. theater. it. I'm assuming that you start out in. Massachusetts and you have your years in. the wilderness, but when you do these. shows now and the place is packed with. people that are hanging on every word. >> and you can't do anything that's going. to be offputting to them. That's got to.

be an incredible. >> Oh. Oh, yeah. No, it's it's it's. sensational. It's it's like yet to be. held like that and. >> almost everywhere. Not Phil Philadelphia. is pretty rough on me, but everywhere. else is [laughter]. >> they're rough on everyone. They will. throw a battery at you if they don't. like what you're doing. >> It's crazy. Philadelphia, but but um I. was just there. But no, it's it's. unbelievable. And there's a part of me. that's like it's almost like it's enough. where we're at right now. Like I kind of.

just want to retain this. I'm not I'm. not really too keen necessarily even on. like expansion because I feel. >> to be seen like that by people and. encouraged. It really makes you feel. like. >> it's so effortless. It's so beautiful. >> But there's also there's no there's this. flawed concept that. >> you have to keep. >> Yeah. >> Oh, this is a really good restaurant. We. have to get to the point where there's. there's 18 in every state. >> uh across the country and they have to. be everywhere. It has to be a franchise.

and you need to keep leveling up. And I. think there's nothing better than paying. your rent doing the thing that's exactly. what you want to do. Yeah. >> And because of the world we live in now, like I say, it's not big tent anymore. So it's not network 1967. where you need you'll get cancelled if. you're right. >> Only 30 million people are watching your. show. Yeah. Oh my god, what an. embarrassment. You got beaten by Mr. Ed.

last night. You're out. >> No one in Rapid City tuned in. >> Yeah, exactly. You're done. >> You're done, kid. And then you're. parking cars the next day across the. street from Chason's. Uh that's not the. world we're in now. You what you need to. do is just keep doing what you've been. doing. Exactly. That's it. >> Exactly. I mean, and it's like there is. that there is that like American thing. in me of like um expansion or whatever. that that I'm that I don't really feel. so much anymore because I have done big. rooms that for that are not my crowds.

>> And to uh not be seen and not be. understood and to not have a curious. audience even though it is massive or. whatever, it's it's a horrifying. experience. And so it it's really I'm. really really grateful at just kind of. keeping my head down and just keep. >> doing what I'm doing. >> What is it like for you if you are are. in front of a crowd let's say Philly or. some town where. >> Philly. >> wasn't that bad. You're exaggerating. Yeah. Yeah. >> Um they attacked you three times. That's.

>> they did piss me off a bit. >> Okay. What do you like when Yes. I I've. seen you when the crowd is right there. and everyone's with you. Yeah. >> When you're taking your flights of. comedic fancy, >> do you try and get them back or do you. have a it gene? >> Yeah. I at this point I'm like I don't. need to I I'm not going to try to win. anybody over. I I would have as a. younger person, but I I I don't feel.

that anymore. And it gets really. it. And uh I can get a little and. and the. >> I always think this is where the fun. stuff happens. Like totally. There have. been times where. >> I didn't feel like a crowd was with me. and I decided. >> to just. >> put the pedal to the metal the other. way. >> What does that look like? >> Uh it's just me deciding, well, I'm. doing this for myself now. And there's. Yeah. >> Is there an element of hostility or.

passive aggression in there? Sure there. is. >> Yes. And another part of that that can. allow you to write jokes that you would. not when you're heightened in an angry. way. You can also your brain can. function in a different way and I I have. found that to be productive in some ways. but it's pretty gruesome and especially. if doing physical stuff if they're not. laughing I can get locked somewhere like. I need the laughs to push like I got. stuck in like a half somersault and. because they weren't laughing enough. [laughter]. >> defying gravity is what you're saying. You're just frozen in [clears throat]. the air. >> No, no, on the ground. >> Oh, on the ground. Yeah,

>> on the ground like in one of these and I. needed the laughs to push me but I could. but they never came. >> That's the worst. I always think that's. up there with if you do a bit that. involves you running out of the room and. no one laughs, the walk back [laughter]. is the saddest thing in comedy. You do a. bit WHERE YOU'RE LIKE, "OH NO, WOO, I'M. OUT OF HERE." AND YOU run out of the. room, it's silence, and then you can. hear your shoes squeaking as you walk. back in the room and it's, "Oh, yeah.".

Anyway, that was what you were saying. >> Do you mean doing this socially or on. tape? But it's all the same to me, man. [laughter] Why? Why draw distinctions? >> Yeah. You got a laugh quota every day. and you got to film. >> If you commit to something physical and. people aren't there with you. >> Oh, it's rigorous. >> It's a true horror show. >> Completely. Completely. >> Yeah. That's why then the only thing to. do is go twice as hard. [laughter]. >> But no, but see, I can't I just I. freeze. >> But see, that that tells you you're. you're in fight or flight. You fight. I.

freeze. So, so if you are if you're mad, you'll go even you'll go more physical. I I cuz [clears throat] you've done so. many tapings for so many audiences. You. must have a a a a thing in you that you. can tap into to go I I need to work not. in collaboration with this audience. >> I get maybe I don't know. Yes. I I think. it's just called Yeah. Hours in the. cockpit. But you two I mean we just we. both have we're both in the same. situation. The thing I love about your.

work is that it's you've never done one. thing that I would have thought of. Not. one. I look at you and I think I very. much feel a kindred spirit with this. fellow and all the stuff you're coming. from and your point of view and your. physicality is very different from me. And so I can just enjoy it as a fan and. I'm just waiting to hear what you come. up with next. It's just that is.

>> for me. >> That's darling. [laughter]. >> That's really darling. >> It's true. >> I know. I believe you. No, thank you. >> It's not that true. [laughter]. >> Just said it to fill time. >> We were so close. >> Can I say one thing? Nothing I've said. so far in praise has been true. >> Yeah. >> Wow. I know. >> It's all been kind of a bit within a. bit. >> Yeah. >> Did you notice I was doing this every. time I said I really [laughter] liked. your work? >> I felt something under the. >> little air quotes. Yeah. No, I meant. everything I just said. Uh 100%. Uh, and. that's that's what's endlessly fun about.

watching you do your thing is and you. you don't make any concessions. Um, no. >> In the best way. This is the idea you. had. >> Do you think you make concessions? >> Um, >> I don't think you make concessions. I. >> I think I did. I I think I there were. times in Yeah, I think there were times. in uh interviews for all those years. when I was doing late night where I. would you had a choice sometimes. What's. the funniest thing I could do versus.

what would a good host do? And I would. let good host win because I. >> because you're not a psychopath. >> Yeah. Well, let's let's be careful. [laughter] there. That's uh. >> I will say. >> definitely a psych Yeah. psychopath. I'm. a psychopath who uh or sociopath. Choose. or both. Uh psycho sociopath. Um you. know how to pose as someone. >> Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. That's it. That's it. Yeah. No, but I do have if. I'm out with somebody in front of a. crowd. >> Yeah. >> I do I don't want them to get hurt.

>> Does that make sense? Beautiful. Like I. don't want them to get hurt. So there. were plenty of times where you could. tell like it's your job as a host which. I took really seriously to take care of. this person even if you're deep down a. so a sociopath. You I felt the need to. do that and that would make me it sounds. like a selfless thing. It wasn't. It's. selfish. I'm not happy if I'm out there. with someone who's really unhappy unless. they really deserve it. But if they're. unhappy I can't do my thing.

>> It doesn't work. >> Yeah. I don't see that as selfish. I. mean, >> no, I'm being really in strict. >> strictest terms. I I'm very I get very. squeamish when people uh try and pretend. that they're being selfless when I think. >> I I know I really when people present. themselves as selfless and when you look. at it, they're doing it in their own. self-interest and so it's not really. selfless. I get that word. Yeah, of. course. >> So, I just try to be stringent about. that. I feel the same way. >> Which means strict,

>> but but the fact that you can do man on. the street stuff. I couldn't do that. because I don't even like. >> the idea of like I I like being on stage. and just a black uh space, a void. The. idea of like potentially. >> I don't know how you do that working. with other people like randos on the. street. >> Yeah. >> And then they must get uncomfortable. occasionally, >> you know. >> But you probably are really good at. this. They mostly, it's funny when we do. the all those years of doing the. remotes, I always uh I think if the. other person was really uncomfortable,

I don't think we'd end up using it. because it and now again, not to be. nice, but it probably wouldn't be that. good. Now, every now and then there's. someone who. >> deserves uh every now and then I I get. Yeah. >> the claws, the talents. >> Yeah. Who what guests do you think. deserve have deserved the Conan talent? >> Well, that's for a second podcast we do. where there's no microphone. [laughter]. >> We only had the pope on once and boy was. he a prick.

>> Remember when you texted me after you. did your Hot Ones? The day your Hot Ones. came out. >> Oh yeah. >> Yeah. It was trending everywhere. And. then Conan text me. He goes, "Watch my. Hot Ones. I killed that shit.". [laughter] I did. >> And you know cuz I. >> And he did. And he did. >> But you know what? I I did it for not to. brag. >> No, of course. My thing is I feel that. I'm your tutor. I'm your mentor. And I. was trying to show you what a real man. does. [laughter]. >> You know, buffalo wings. >> And you were you doing your. conservatorship on [laughter]. but you know, you would have had a.

little bite of a wing and then scuttled. away and done become a bunch of. different characters. >> Oh, I wouldn't have been able to take. what you did. >> Okay, that's what I wanted you to. address. This whole thing was a sting. operation and I just got it. >> Okay. Yeah. My hot. >> my hot ones beat the hot ones you're. going to do in the future. [laughter]. >> In 30 years. >> In 30 years. When you do hot ones. >> in hospice when I'm sundowning. >> Oh, [laughter] Sean is like a very old. man. And his [clears throat] he has no. lips cuz he's been eating [laughter] hot. sauce for 40 years.

>> No chin. >> He just has That's where Bone is coming. through. >> He looks like the red skull that battled. Captain America. He's got pieces of bone. coming through. >> Don't lump me in with every nerd thing. Yeah. You know, you know, I'm not really. a Marvel guy. You know, like when a bed. wetter, you know, [laughter] now that I. do know, >> you know, like when someone's LIKE, "OH, THERE'S A girl. scared." Yeah. >> You know, when people's afraid of cooty. cooties, [laughter]. what do you do? I like singular. Why are. you doing this? >> I don't know. It just felt like we were.

piling piling on like a. You know, when people pretend to like. America, but they don't. >> Yeah. Yeah. [laughter] Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, describing. >> when you did that move, I thought of the. you the the trailer that you were in. with Rose Burn where you got the glasses. on. >> Oh, yeah. Yeah. >> You look like every woman that taught me. in elementary school. >> That's what I'm That's [laughter] what. I'm going for. >> That's what I'm going for. >> Oh, right. [laughter]. >> Chris Fleming. Chris Fleming. He's the. funniest guy in town. Chris Fleming.

He's always around. >> And we're in Cleveland, by the way. We're. >> Yeah, the town is Cleveland. Um, [laughter]. I'm just looking through your papers. It. says here you owe me $8,000. That's. interesting. Um, look, this is the first. guest we've had who paid to be on the. podcast. [laughter]. >> This is a paper play. Um, >> I'm really going to try and get some. money out of you for this. >> Um, I do believe I'm going to wrap this. up. I do believe this. I believe that. the Almighty the Almighty God put this.

man on the earth just to amuse me. >> I agree. And I'm eternally grateful to. that God because look at him. He's his. fingers are vibrating. I so want to. reach across the table and throw him. over the room. >> But I won't cuz I'm a kind man. [clears throat] or good at posing as a. kind man. Um but I'm so overjoyed to see. what you do next. And all I ask is that. I get to come watch it. That's all I. want to say. >> You're truly the best. Thanks, man. >> That's all I [clears throat] want. >> I look up to you so much. So thank you.

>> Oh god. >> That's so nice. See, he was nice at the. end. No, it's like there's there's. people when when people when you know. there's certain people that give you. praise that keeps you know that's what. keep that that buys you years of doing. the things that you feel strong about. doing it. I'm so Oh, big time. Oh my. god. Of course. >> Yeah. I did some work in the early 90s. that was memorable. >> Okay. >> That's [laughter] all I'm going to say. >> All right. >> Um I want you out of here. >> I know. I get that. >> How did you get here? Did you get here. in a a car? Some kind of I'm picturing. like a VW bug. >> It's pumpkin yellow. [laughter] Oh, he.

don't know. >> You want to see it? >> Do you really? What do you really have? I want to know what's down there. >> Well, you want to see the other one? >> Yeah. >> Okay. Well, I'll show you after. I I. have one car now that I drive. It's I. drive on the right side. It's a Japanese. car. And so cops look and they're like, "Should we shoot the tires out when they. see [laughter]. >> They don't. um It's called a Nissan Figuro. It's. tiny.". >> You want to go on a ride sometime? >> Yeah, I will. >> The battery died. Let's do something. I.

I really do. [laughter] I really do want. to go and get a meal with you. >> Let's do it. I haven't seen you in a. while. >> You've been uh and you know my family. anytime you wanted to come over and do a. tight 10 and then we'll give you a. little Yeah. little PA sandwich with. some creamed corn on it. Um what my. favorite meal. Uh we'd have you over. Seriously, you're a wonderful person. Uh. I'm just going to say this to all of our. listeners. If you haven't seen Chris. Fleming do his thing, go online, start. watching. You'll never stop. Uh, he's a.

brilliant, brilliant fellow. Peace out, Tupac. Uh, props to your mother. >> Uh, I got nothing. No way to end this. >> Just say thank you. Bye. >> Looking at my hand right now. It's. really. >> Edardo. Cut the mic. >> No, don't cut the mic. Cut the mic. Two. >> Ble. You're joining us here because we. have to ask you a question. We need to. get to the bottom of something. >> Okay. >> Okay. When we record, you sit back there. with Eduardo and Adam and we took a.

picture of a recent session. We're going. to bring it up on the screen here. And. we just want answers. This is what you. brought in. >> Yeah. >> Five cans of seltzer water and a hand. sanitizer. >> Well, the hand sanitizer is not mine. >> Okay. >> I don't It's When I use hand sanitizer, I don't I don't use hand sanitizer. >> Do you drink that much in a session? >> Oh, yeah. Really? >> Oh, easily. >> You that not shown is probably the. coffee I finished. >> Oh my god. >> Probably something else. I gota. >> Yeah.

>> How do you not have to pee five minutes. in? >> Well, I was just going to say I I have a. big bladder, but I didn't want to offer. that information. >> How do you know your bladder's big just. because you have to go pee pee all the. time? >> Cuz I can drink that much. It'd be fine. >> You know, interesting. Look at his body. language right now. >> Well, why are you so dis. Why you so disable? >> I don't like being at this table. >> Can I run this for one second? You have. your arms crossed in front of you. [laughter] I don't. >> what? >> No. >> That was the universal sign for it. You think that's going to work?

[laughter]. >> I'm doing this. >> You do you. >> No. >> You to you. >> No. No. No. No. No. No. Don't say this. to you. >> You to you. >> No. You to you. [laughter]. UTI. Um, listen. I need to conduct a serious ins. >> They're pointing. >> You're not talking. I'll call. Believe. it or not, >> it's not a gotcha thing either. [laughter] I'm just curious. >> Clearly, clearly this isn't a gotcha. thing. >> But why you love being in here? Your leg. is going like a jackhammer. You have. your arms crossed in front of you like. you're defiant.

>> and you're shouting. You always shout at. the microphone. Does he not, Edward? >> This is true. >> Okay. Why can't you I'm known to be. loud, but I do lower my voice when we're. on the microphone, >> right? >> You shout when you get on the. microphone. >> I. am. >> too loud. >> No. God. >> Excited to be here always. I love what I. do and I love working for you and I love. working with my best friends and I I'm. excited to be here. >> Good answer. >> Thank you so much. I've said previously. on this podcast, guys, back me up. When.

you're behind this counter, it feels. like you're very far away out of the. action. So, I feel like I need to. project. I have a large head. >> But you understand how microphones work, right? >> This is not why we brought him to the. table. >> I have a large head and it just comes. out of me, man. It just reverberates. I. want I want Okay, I just wanted to uh. attack you a little bit and make you. self-conscious working. >> Okay, settle down and remember that's a. very that's a very sensitive. >> You let my client say his piece.

>> Thank you. Um, thank you. >> No, no. And now I'm going to make the. >> No, >> this goes for men and women, too. [laughter]. >> Jesus. This means add a little paprika. >> It looks like you're trying to give me. like a like a like a what is this. called? I don't want to say. >> nipple nipple twister. A purple nipple. >> I was going to say titty twister is what. I call it as a Yeah. Well, a purple. nerple. >> Thanks, buddy. >> I thought it was purple nerple. >> It's a purple nerple. I I do think I'm. going to turn this back to Matt because. he had some kind of idea here. I don't. If the idea was you drink four cans of.

[laughter] water, I I'll be I'll be. shocked. If you've built if you've built. your church on sand, I [laughter] will. be shocked. But I'm sure there's. something big coming here. What What you. got, Matt? >> No, I'm I'm I'm abstaining. [laughter]. I'm not getting enough. >> Hey, BUT THAT'S A LOT. >> GET HIM. ISN'T THAT A LOT? >> ISN'T THAT A LOT? >> Five cans in. >> five in like an in like 45 minutes. >> No, these these could be like two hours. of them during an interview and we don't. hear it. >> I will say I wait till there's laughter.

and I go underneath the table. [laughter] Eduardo sees this. I go way. underneath the table. This is true. And. it's so it's like I wait for [laughter]. >> underneath the table. No one hears it. So I listeners, can you hear me ever. open a can of pop? >> No, I never do. >> Yeah. Thank you. Well, it's not a can of. pop. This is just um. >> Well, soda. It's all the same. >> Is it soda? It's. >> You know what you could do is pre-open. them. >> Yeah, but then they get flat. >> They don't really get that. >> We're here for 2 hours. I You know, I do. I will say. >> like you're being fine talking about. four bottles.

>> I will preop a couple. >> I think this is one of the best things. you've ever brought to [laughter] the. podcast. I agree. The great mystery of. the FOUR CANS OF POP. >> I agree. OKAY, LET'S GET SOMETHING. STRAIGHT. [laughter] You always said you. want something to talk about and I bring. you something to talk about [laughter]. and this is the response I get. I call. on you. >> I apologize. I apologize. >> What did you bring to talk about. apologize? What did you bring today? >> I apologize. I assumed that if we were. going to bring something [laughter]. of quality.

>> I BROUGHT SOMETHING TOO. SONA, YOU KEEP. THESE TISSUES HANDY. these Kleenex. [laughter]. >> Oh my god. >> I charge YOU WITH NEEDING DO YOU NEED. ALL OF THESE? >> ARE YOU A REAL NOSE BLOWER OR ARE YOU AN. EYE WIPER? [laughter]. >> I CAN GET HOURS OUT OF THIS. LOOK, IT'S. ON MY HEAD. >> If you found this out, you would go for. 15 minutes on him if you found it of. your own accord. >> I don't I don't agree. I uh listen, I.

find you guilty of and and and maybe I'm. wrong. Maybe you having four cans of pop. is a deep vein of ore and I'm being. ignorant. So, let's explore it more. [laughter]. >> So, what else about now? The pop. Where. do you how far beneath the table. [laughter] to hold the can of a. forementioned pop before you ignite the. grenade that makes such a loud noise? Uh, >> you know what I am thinking of now is. that he must be tortured when the when.

the conversation gets kind of serious. [laughter] and he really wants maybe. he's had a lot of saltines and he really. wants to open his can of pop but he. can't because there's no laughter and. I've taken us down I'm taking us down a. road of well gez and so well I'm really. sorry that you lost your father. [laughter] Were you close to your. father? I was very close to my father. Oh I see. And you're just there. struggling and then you're probably. trying to force a laugh. Ah, you ever. heard of a Lai [laughter] joke? >> Seems like you got a lot of material out. of this suggestion. You know, you've.

been This is I'm I'm helping you by. making this very funny with my mind. >> You are. That [laughter] is That is. honestly that is really, if you want the. honest truth, that is actually truly the. case. I do get annoyed when the podcast. gets serious and I'm very thirsty cuz. I'm just waiting for a laugh. And I will. say, and I hesitate to even bring this. up, remember the time we had a fireman's. widow on [laughter] and she was recently. widowed and she was really upset and I. was talking to her about the pain of. loss. >> Remember? And then you were in the. corner and I couldn't see what you're. holding on the table and you kept going.

and knock. [laughter]. Who's there? Dishes. Dishes. Sean. Connory. And I was like, what? And the. woman said, I just lost my husband in a. fire. [laughter]. And you were like and I heard. a real uh I. >> Yes. Adam has Adam has something to say. and I respect you. >> I was just going to say I think the. intention here was you know if you. remember Bllearked on Eduardo for. watching soccer and I think the. intention here was to I was to was to. kind of get some revenge on Blle. I. don't think this delivered necessarily. So we need to figure out a way to get.

better revenge. Let the record let the. record state this is not revenge at all. >> yet. Okay. But but I will say I will say. yes. Why is Blade. >> Listen, Blade, why did you just. high-five him that you [laughter] need. greater revenge brought upon you, >> you dummy? Wait, what? I. >> He just said this [laughter] doesn't. count as revenge against me cuz it's not. mean enough. And you. >> you h you gave him a fist bump. >> I I thought. >> he just said I you're let's convict him.

to death and [laughter]. hang him and by the neck and you went. Yeah. and fistbumped him. >> I kind of wasn't paying attention. >> Okay. I know. I know. You were thinking. about your next can of pop. Well, you. did have something to say. What was it? >> Uh oh. I was going to say I. >> Please, please speak more quietly. Let the man. >> I think it's a normal volume. Personally, I think he's speaking at a. normal volume. >> That's a fist bump. That's a fist bump. God. Oh my god. He's [laughter] getting. a headache. >> This room is is hell. This is hell. This.

>> is your segment. >> I know. >> All right. Look, I was going to say I do. burst in sometimes. Wait, is my mic not. working? >> Now that's revenge. [cheering]. >> Nice. >> Never screw with the guy who controls. the volume knob. I I want to clarify. something. I think this is a great thing. that you brought in because I could go. after you. That was fun [laughter] for. me. And we got a lot of good hard.

laughs. Me mocking you, doing the whole. bit with the Kleenex tissues. [laughter]. We'll probably get a Kleenex tie in now. I was on cloud N. So, um, did I throw. you under the bus? Sure I did. But it. was a lot of fun and we had a lot of. yucks. And, um, Eduardo, I still think. we have to try again to, uh, to get. Blake. Even though we've gotten him. twice in this segment, we will. >> Yeah. >> And so, I'm going to keep an eye and if. you bring if you keep some jelly beans. back there, I'll be all over you like a. cheap suit. >> You know, I say bring it on.

>> Oh, wow. >> I say bring it on. challenge was not to. put on. >> I feel like a lot goes on back here that. we don't know about. >> This is the real. >> hands are being open. Are you doing a. cross word puzzle ever, Adam? Be. serious. >> No, but I check my phone a lot. >> He checks his phone a lot. Yeah, >> he also has worry beads. He's always [laughter]. grubbing worry beads and uh if he thinks. that the the podcast has lost its way. and is no longer relevant, I can hear. rattle rattle rattle. >> One day we should the three of us should. be back here and they should be. >> Oh, that's an idea. Uh, is it?

>> Yeah. >> Who's gonna do what Eduardo is doing? [laughter] Oh, I guess Matt could do it. >> I mean, if he shows me the basics, I can. do. >> I think it's two knobs, frankly, [laughter] will be. >> One says louder and one says quieter. >> Conan will be Adam. >> There we go. >> I can sit over there and I can worry. [laughter] I'm worried. I'm worried. >> I don't hear money here. >> All right. Um [laughter]. Oh, please. Please. No one is safe. No. one hear money here. always this, you.

know what he asked me to do before we. came in here today? He wanted me to wear. a shirt that said Walmart. [laughter]. >> And I was like, why? And he went, "They're not a sponsor yet, but they. might be." [laughter] And I'm like, "This is a really ugly shirt. I have. nothing against Walmart, >> right? >> It's ridiculous. >> It's, you know, it is silly. It's so. Adam to do that." Yeah. >> Remember those glasses you wanted me to. wear that said STP motor [laughter] oil? And I was like, "Why?" And you said, "Just wear them.". >> Yeah. or that shirt that says I love. fracking. [laughter].

>> That was my shirt. And my my grandmother. my grandmother made me that shirt. [laughter] She was big. She was saying, "I'm telling you, there's a way to get. oil out of the ground that's even. [laughter] worse for the for the. environment." And I'll be like, "Granny, it's 1975. Let [laughter] it go." All. right, we're good. And you know what? I. love you all. >> No. No, I don't. There it is. There it. is.