A Pastor Needs Conan's Help Retiring A Bit – "Conan O'Brien Needs A Fan"

i love this you are a pastor in el paso. we have like a third of a country. western song i love it yes yeah do they. call you al. pastor yeah you're el pastor from el. paso. uh tell me what about your the. denomination of your church uh. what what are your what is the religious. leaning of your flock well it's it's a. non-denominational church. oh nones are not completely. non-denominational yeah so. yeah okay so no i don't have to wear. vestments i've only had to wear. investments once.

we can wear casual jeans we're like the. refreshed conan show where we can wear. casual jackets. and jeans yes thank you you know what. thank you my uh concept when we did a. revamp on our show was that i wanted the. show to be non-denominational. so that's why i just started dressing. like a casual el paso hipster pastor. and uh you and i are exactly on the same. track yeah. we essentially have just been watering. down whatever you do for the last 20 or. so years.

put a fresh religious code of pain on it. now so this is fascinating to me. um i i i'm very excited to talk to you. because i have a lot of questions. first of all how large is your. non-denominational. congregation it's like three four. hundred people and do you. how many services a week do you do we do. two every sunday. so you can completely i mean i'm gonna. tell you something i was raised catholic. so of course they have to adhere to all. of this. strict text that i know by heart because.

i went to thousands and thousands of. catholic masses. uh and i know it all by heart you get to. freestyle. it's is that right well sort of. i will say this we've done something. partially inspired by your show that i. think we're regretting now. so wait a minute you're a religious. leader and you're. you're doing something that you got from. our show you're a. terrible pastor terrible let me but. but i might need your help with this so. here's here's what we did so one of the. things i loved is. seeing how you came back and essentially.

just. trying to entertain people just did. whatever you could think of. for several weeks stuck at home i. remember you carrying around. life-size cutouts of kevin hart in your. backyard i remember. you know all this stuff and and after. watching a couple weeks of it i realized. we can literally do anything right now. so and. like in this pandemic era we can do it. we can try anything. so we tried uh doing a sock puppet. in lieu of not being able to actually. teach kids and have like classes for.

kids on sundays. we tried doing this sock puppet and now. we can't stop. now the sock puppet has to appear every. week for people get angry and. when you say people get it first of all. don't blame me for your sock puppet bit. okay you know that's not don't put that. on me. man uh you made the choice. to sit don't say oh i watched cohn and. he was freestyling a bit so then we did. a sock puppet. the sock puppet is obviously for kids. and. is it the kids who insist that it comes.

back because when the adults are saying. hey man where's the sock puppet you have. a problem. that is exactly what's happening really. the adults were like. where's the puppet because before we do. like. the sermon or homily or or whatever you. want to call it we we. we do a mini version for the kids. because we haven't been able to do cat. classes you know because of safety. reasons and stuff and so. we basically have to do a mr rogers. version of the sermon in two minutes. four children with a sock puppet but i. now i. we can't get rid of him so we need a way.

you can't get rid of him meaning he's. too popular yeah he's too impossible. that you do it. like oh and and and so i'm wondering if. you've ever had a bit. that you feel like you know what this. bit needs to we need to write this we. need to be done with a bit but you can't. because people just keep. what do i do first of all the first i. still have more questions first of all. i totally relate to we have a bit and. it's got to stop. that i've experienced uh since 1993. about 650. 000 times that happens all the time um.

how do you stop it uh that's a very good. question. uh yes because we had a this is going. way way way back uh to the beginning of. the show but we had a character. called pimpbot he's a robot pimp. and um so very similar very similar. and he yeah by the way i just forgot. that you were a pastor uh but anyway. he was a robot pimp and so he was a he. was like a bad. 1950s robot bleep bleep blur blurp but.

he he was dressed like a. you know late 60s 70s stereotypical pimp. and he was always talking about. his profession in very graphic way and. people love pimpbot and then we stopped. doing it in like 94. for 10 years after that whenever i would. pass young people they'd be like dude. pimpbot pimpa when's he coming back and. i thought it's been a decade. and you're still asking me about pimpa. and they'd be like jim pimpa we've gotta.

have pimpot. so i'm gonna tell you right now that. it's very hard. to get rid of especially once you've. created a character. and a puppet no less what's the name of. the puppet. freddy the moose oh oh you're screwed. freddie the moose i haven't even seen. freddy the moose and i love freddie the. moose. that's cute you can't get rid of freddie. the moose no. i forbid you oh no this is backfiring. this is not. i have our i'm not going to help you get.

rid of freddie the moose freddie the. moose i wish i had thought afraid of the. moose in fact. tune in next week you may see me talking. to my own freddie the moose i'll change. it. just a little bit so i can steal it but. when you see me talking to teddy the elk. you'll know that you've been ripped off. [Laughter]. but wait a minute how does he talk how. does he sound can you give us a little. of him. okay do you want to see him um well. that's. uh okay yeah you don't have to it's okay.

no no no no no that's of course we want. to see you know we want to see him but. but back me up team. doesn't this sound a little bit like one. of those ventriloquists who's. talking about his dummy a little too. much it's not and then he says. and then he says then he says do you. want to meet him. and then he says oh he's got quite the. life. and then you all start to get scared and. we back out of the room yeah yeah yeah. you're screaming and then later sona's. sleeping and little tiny hands start to. strangle her.

he's gonna come in just just briefly. he's gonna say hi and then he's going to. peace out he's very busy. whoa this is a separate entity oh my god. look at him. he's adorable let's hear him let's see. who am i what you don't recognize me. i've been on television for 30 years. what do you mean who are you how dare. you hello mr gohan. it's conan not cohan i'm not george m. cohan. oh my god the person working the puppet. has no idea who i.

am this is so insulting on so many. levels hello who are you. hello mr cohan goodbye freddie. [Music]. no no you know what i love freddie what. everybody could name sona and me. perfectly. yeah yeah yeah i really prefer matt. gourley he's a terrific podcaster. and sonam obsession i mean her trip to. armenia was inspiring. now who's cohan. so specific i love it that puppet took. me down that puppet's a lot like triumph. the insult comic dog he took me right.

out at the knees. and i feel uh i feel bested um. why get rid of him what's wrong what's i. don't see a problem here you have a bit. in in my profession if you have a bit. that's working and making people. happy you've struck gold keep. the puppet going what's wrong with it. well i i think we're gonna have to now. at this point because you've you've. validated him and he's gonna now. want to hire billing on the liturgy. i mean above god he's going to want to.

be above yeah i mean. we got all kinds of headaches now let me. ask you something let's say someone god. forbid. passed away and there was a funeral. right. the puppet freddy wouldn't show up and. be like oh. i'm so sad mr. smith it's not smith it's samuels. whatever passed away you're not gonna. he wouldn't show up at that would he. look at this point. what oh my god what freddie candy i feel.

like he's driving the bus. and i feel like at this point my. performance review is gonna be with him. at the end of the year yeah yeah yeah. that's right well. uh this has all the makings of a. terrific horror movie. a pastor his puppet in el paso look at. all the peas and the plosives. yeah a pastor and his puppet in el paso. are trapped. uh in this hellish duel to the death the. two of you. because you can't get rid of him and his. power grows every day and yours weakens. yeah it's true now at some point the way.

this movie might end. is the puppet becomes more like you. you become more like the puppet and at. the end freddie's giving. the liturgy this sermon whatever you. call it the. what do you call it the discernment the. talk the sermon. and then you're brought in you're the. puppet. oh and oh man and you become. that which you loathed and now he's in. charge. i think we could sell this i think this.

is yeah a saleable. concept well first of all that means a. lot coming from a pastor in el paso. because who knows this business better. than you listen conan ricky. i have no million-dollar ideas here.