R/evenge | Reading Reddit Stories

- Hi. Welcome to "Smosh Reads Reddit Stories.". I'm Shayne, and today's theme is revenge. And I'm joined by two people. who love revenge more than anyone. They're plotting it right now. - [Tommy] That's right. - Tommy and Damien. - Hello, Shayne. - Hi, Shayne. We're not, there's nothing at all going on. - Don't look under your seat. - Don't do it. - Go on. - Okay. - [Tommy] Don't do it. - I trust you. - Ooh. - And that's step one. - That's good. - That's step one. - We're in, baby. - Yeah. - I don't like revenge. - The first story about the Sith.

- Yeah. Good. - I love revenge. And every "Star Wars" movie is a great movie. - And that's the episode. - And there we go. Thanks for watching. (everyone laughs). - Bailey said if we get our comments up to 10,000, we... (everyone laughs). We get a special treat. (everyone laughs). - We have a bunch of revenge stories. I think they're gonna range from all over the place. - [Tommy] Cool. - I know there's a lot of subreddits. There's Petty Revenge, there's Pro Revenge, there's Nuclear Revenge. There's every single level of it, but...

- I think the petty stuff can be funny. I'm not a big revenge person in my own life. - No. - Just, yeah. - I'm not either. - Yeah. I like listening to revenge 'cause it's like cathartic. 'cause like, yeah, I don't... I just, I go, oh... Instead of revenge, I go, "Oh, I'm just sad.". And I'll just eat that up in my belly. - Yeah. Eat it up in your belly. and then it becomes just like a ball. - Yeah, a little piece of you forever. - Yeah, I think it's like a bezoar. Bezoar or whatever that's called.

- Oh, a bezoar. - Bezoar. - Yeah. That's like a ball of-. - New word. - Yeah, that's like a ball of hair that you eat. It's like a hair ball for adult people. - And I think it also has hate in it. - Yeah. - Huh. - And that's the episode. - And that's the episode. (everyone laughs). - I missed this dynamic. We're back. - Guys. All right, let's get into our first story here. This comes from Petty Revenge. - Gorg. - "I stole from a shopping cart.". - What was the text that made you do this? - It's quotations. - [Damien] It's in quotes. - I only do this when there's literal quotations there.

- What do you do for italics? - He leans over. (everyone laughs). - That's emphasis. "So this happened a few days ago at a grocery store. "I was waiting patiently in my lane. "and beside me was the priority lane for senior citizens, "people with disabilities, et cetera. "There were a couple of elderly people. "sitting on the chairs provided specifically for them. "while waiting for their turn. "Pretty normal setup. "Now some guy casually walks up. "and cuts right in front of the seated seniors. "I speak up and say, 'Hey, they're already in line.'.

"And this guy, without even looking at me goes, "'I don't see them standing in line though,'. "real smug, real dismissive. "The elderly folks looked uncomfortable. "but didn't want to cause a scene. "So I shut up, and I simmered. "A few minutes later we're still in the lanes. "and I notice his cart is stacked. "with what looks like camping gear, such as a sleeping bag, "paper plates, marshmallows, instant noodles, "a portable stove, et cetera. "And there it was, a single can of butane gas. "And right there I saw an opportunity.".

(Tommy and Damien imitate explosion blasting). (everyone laughs). And right there I saw an opportunity. (imitates gun cocking). (everyone laughs). - So I killed him. - So I killed him. "The guy's blabbering on the phone, totally distracted. "So I casually leaned over, plucked the butane from his cart. "and slid it into mine. "He didn't notice. "He checked out and left. "I paid for my stuff, including his butane, and walked away. "Somewhere out there, this man arrived at his campsite, "probably boasting about how smart and quick he is. "And when he tried to fire up that portable stove, no gas,

"no hot food, no coffee. "Just crunchy noodles and the sweet taste of consequences, "hopefully.". - Damn. - All right. - I think they could have, I think they could've upped that revenge a little bit. - Absolutely. - Just the butane? - That's just like a good social, that was just like a good social move to just be like, ha ha, now you're inconvenienced. That's a nice revenge. That's revenge I can check mark. - Yeah. - I wouldn't have bought the butane 'cause it's like-. - You stole it. - Yeah, it's fine. - I mean, he didn't steal it, right? - He didn't steal it. Just took it out of the cart. as like a, hey bud, don't be a butt. - If this were like a Disney movie, he would've bought it.

and then turned to like the hungry elderly people. and been like, "Here.". And they're like, "Oh.". - And they make a campfire right there. - It's like Aladdin when he like breaks the bread. and gives it to the kid. Like, that's what I'm thinking. Like, breaks the butane gives it to the-. - Butane, is butane in liquid form? - It's gas. Like, you light it, and it's that like little blue gas. - Yeah, like a little, like a lighter. - Yeah. - Okay, I was imagining the old people lapping it up. like a dog. - Gulp, gulp, gulp. - Gulp, gulp, gulp. - It's like, whoa, okay. I don't know what the legality is of like taking things. from people's carts before you've checked out.

It's not technically stealing. - It belongs to the store. - It's just all within the store. - It could be against store policy. - Like, what's stopping someone, say me-. - Okay. I'll say it. - At the store and I'm walking around. and I see someone with a car and it's filled up and I go, "You know what? "They did a good job.". (everyone laughs). I think I'm taking that cart. - That's all the shit I wanted. - This looks good. (everyone laughs). - You shopped perfectly. - Guess what happened? (everyone laughs). - That's awesome.

You could. - And what's gonna happen? No, I'm just kidding. (laughs). - I mean, I feel like you could do that. I also think like, if this was like a weird apocalyptic "Mad Max" situation, they're like, there's no butane in the tri-county area, like you're gonna have a hard time, that's when it's rough. But like the guy could have doubled back. and realistically been like, "I need to stop by somewhere to get some more butane.". - He probably realized-. - You inconvenienced him. - He probably realized he didn't have it. I know my mom did this once. where this isn't like she left it in the store,

but she like bought a bunch of stuff. and then she went to her car, loaded everything into the trunk, and she realized she left all the soda. in the bottom layer of the car. - Oh, so she like accidentally stole. - Like, just actually left stuff there. Like, that happens. Like, we do that all the time. - Wait, did she purchase it or no? - Yeah, she purchased it. This was in the parking lot. - So she reverse stole it. - But I've also accidentally I think left stuff. at the checkout lane, whatever, you know, or things probably just can roll out of the cart. Like, all my butane rolled out. - Yeah. - No one will miss it.

Probably just got out of the cart somehow. - Yeah. - The perfect crime. - Some comments here. Someone said, "Thank you for this nugget of petty revenge. "You made the world a better place.". Someone said, "Nicely done. "He'll probably have to drive or walk from his campsite. "to the nearest convenience store. "and pay triple the price if he wants to heat anything up.". Someone said, "It was a good story. "when I thought you were going to tell us. "you just stole his marshmallows. "This was diabolical. "10 outta 10. Love your work.". Everyone's assuming this guy's gonna get to the campsite. before he realizes. It's possible, 'cause when you do go camping,

you buy a bunch of stuff. You kind of can't keep tabs on everything. - But you're also probably not keeping it... Well, I've never gone camping, which you can tell. by the everything about me. - I've also not. - Yeah. But like I-. - Based on all the evidence. - Based on everything, I don't do well outdoors. But I'm assuming you don't just bring it. in the plastic bags. You're like, hey guys, I'm fresh from Aldis. - Unless you went get straight there. - I would say you are only gonna have paper bags and stuff. if you're like staying in a cabin or a Airbnb. If you're doing a campsite, then I don't know.

I guess like-. - Feel like you would check your stuff. - Unless it's like glamping, right? Where it's like you have a truck or a car. - That is something I have done before. That's the one that I'll do. - I've stayed in a cabin directly next to my vehicle. - And that counts as camping now. - Does it really? - It sure does. Congratulations. Your camper. - I camp so well. - Yeah, me too. - With my indoor plumbing and my AC. I had to kill a scorpion in my bed. That's part of-. - Okay, he's a jungle man. - Okay. (everyone laughs). - That's true. I saw the scorpion. I like grabbed the like stair banister,

like whittled it, and like... - Made a little... (everyone laughs). It's like, ee! (everyone laughs). - I was like, I came out to all my friends, like wearing scorpion pants and armor. I'm like, "I crafted this.". - [Tommy] Oh, that's awesome. - Out of the beast I slayed. - All right, so expert camper Damien is joining us. I just thought he was gonna, I thought he was gonna steal more. He just stole the butane and he ended there. I'm like, this guy took advantage. He's in a lane he should not be in, and he cut in front of two elderly people who were in line.

So that's cutting and also disrespecting your elders. - Yeah. - Steal the marshmallows too. - Yeah. If I was a witch... (crew laughs). Roll with me here. I would turn him old. - Oh. - That would be my revenge. - So that he's where he belongs now. - Right. It's like, oh, well, you know, you're gonna cut all these old people, I guess you're gonna be old as well. If I was a witch and I'm not. And I'm not. - You're kinda like Jigsaw in that case. - What was that? - You're kinda like Jigsaw in that case, - A magical Jigsaw. - You spent your whole life cutting people,

now you will be cut. And then you just have a guillotine that he's in. - Pretty good. - With a little butane little bow on it out of reach. - I would've put a bunch of just like meat smells. on his tent. - You would've followed him out to his campsite. - Yeah. - And like attracted like wild animals to his-. - Attracted a bear to his tent. - You're getting ahead of me here. I would've made meat smells all over his tent, then I would've worn a bear outfit, right? - Right. - Because this is an Idlewild where there's no bears. - Right. - Right.

- So you'll really scare him. - See, Shayne's getting it. - Yeah, yeah. - I befriend the bears, learn their language, become one of them. - That's good. - And then stab him in his sleep. - Stab him in his sleep. - Yeah, stab him in his sleep. He deserves to die. - With a harpoon. - Nice. - The thing I'm stuck on is make meat smells. - Right. - You know, you just-. - You just make them. And our next story. (everyone laughs). - Yeah, like you don't have a pocket full of corned beef. at all times. - Oh, I do. Oh, I do. - Sure. - It's right there. - Today's episode of "Reddit Stories". is brought to you by Zocdoc.

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Back to the show. Okay, buckle up for the title of this next one. - Okay. - This is from a Today... Today I (beep) Up. "Today I (beep) up by playing music for a sex dungeon.". - Whoo! - Yeah. - Video game soundtracks on loop. Pokemon Red and Blue. - I hope it's classical music. - Yeah. "I currently live in an apartment building in Seattle. "Nearby my unit is a man named Frank and his girlfriend, "who is quite vocal, thus why I know her boyfriend's name.

"Now Frank and his girlfriend have incredibly loud sex. "throughout the entirety of Friday and Saturday nights. "Annoyed by all of the sound. "and trying to find a way to blot it out, "I began a habit a few months ago of playing music, "singing, playing guitar, "whenever they would start doing the dirty. "over the course of the last couple months. "As an added bonus, "I could hear my neighbors yell 'sing' throughout the night, "so I assumed that my playing was a helpful solution. "to an unfortunate circumstance born. "by all of the other neighbors around me.

"However, tonight I noticed something kind of strange. "They were having sex per usual, "and I began to play music to cover up the sound. "I stopped to drink some water between songs. "when some of my neighbors started yelling 'play.'. "For some reason though, "I didn't do anything for a few seconds. "And I heard the guy Frank's voice call out, "'Keep playing or I'm not going to (censored)'. "through the walls. "I listened a while longer to see if I'd heard correctly. "and they both kept moaning the same thing.

"It was at this point that I came to a terrible conclusion. "In my attempts to cover up the sound of them having sex, "I managed to pull some weird Pavlovian trick. "where whenever they had sex, I played guitar and sang. "Thus, whenever I started to play guitar. "to cover up an original sound, "it just added to their voyeuristic thrill. "and they started to depend upon it to finish. "When I heard my presumed neighbors yell 'sing,'. "it was actually Frank and his girlfriend. "Unsure if I was right, I started playing another song. "and when I finished they were going as hard as possible.".

- So did they. - Yep. Yep. - "They were going as hard as possible and moaning heavily, "so I figured that I'd assumed correctly. "My neighbors get understandably angry that my music playing. "has made this neighbor couple have sex, "so then they began to have really rough revenge sex. "against my wall. "because they think that I've caused this problem, "which I have. "At this point, I'm listening to Frank and his girlfriend. "and the couple next to my wall, "one couple horny and one full of revenge. "And all of this was because I tried to save myself. "from listening to sex in the first place.".

Does that count as an orgy? - I think you have to share a space. - You have to share a space? - For it to be an orgy. - 'Cause he's playing music, which is helping one couple, and the other couple is having sex to piss him off. - To piss him off. - It's as close as I feel like-. - That's like an orgy during COVID. (everyone laughs). Everybody like start at the same time, like everybody start your Netflix at the same time. - With apartments, it's a wild thing. of like there is a wall. We are technically, sometimes in an apartment it's like,

oh, I'm six feet away from people having sex. - [Tommy] Yep. - Shout out "Perfect Person" Miles Bonsignore, we were just talking about him. He had said something about like, you know, noisy neighbors. He's like, when you realize you're actually like, oh, we're in a community and we're sharing this home, it changes your mind on people being loud. and like toddlers running around above you. and like it's just part of it. - Yeah. - This though-. - This is a-. - Revenge sex for the sake of noise is a lot of steps. Like, I was onboard with the story until that third part, and now I'm like-. - Yeah, now I'm like-.

- Huh? - The revenge sex is confusing. I'm like, there's a lot, like you're mad about the sound, so you're gonna have sex? Like, all right. - Fine, buster, we'll break out of our cold, angry marriage. (everyone laughs). Because you couldn't stop singing. - You revived our dead bedroom because we hate you so much. - You're a libido necromancer 'cause here we go. - Yeah. This guy is making a lot of people (censored). He's chilling in his room by himself playing guitar. - Dude, you gotta market that. - This guy cannot go play on the metro.

- [Tommy] No. (everyone laughs). He cannot. That'd be horrifying. - Turns out he's Kenny G just playing alto saxophone. Yeah. - What kind of music do you think he's playing to get 'em-. - It must be good. - It's gotta be. - He's singing "Run Around" by Blues Traveler. (beep). We got 50 copyright strikes just now. - I think it's all Sister Hazel, Blues Traveler. - Yeah. Yeah. - A little cake here and there. - Yeah. Little cake. He's never there. This is weird.

I don't think it's any... Nobody's revenge is anything here and also why-. - This is all just a weird circumstance. - And the neighbors also shouldn't be mad at the OP. because like the music made it worse, okay, well talk to the people. having extremely loud, primal sex screams. - We have some comments here. "Stream all the Weird Al Yankovich, Spike Jones, "or other Dr. Demento type stuff. "and leave your place for a while.". Someone said, "You should play the most ridiculous. "and childish song you know as an experiment. "For example, "you could sing the 'Mickey Mouse Clubhouse' song.

"and see if they can (beep).". - That's awesome. Oh, so now we're seeing if they can (beep)? Now it's like a how far can we go with this? - Let's push it to the next level. Someone said, "Do you hear any other sounds like arguing. "or cooking? "Masturbate to anything you can hear. "and throw it back at them.". - No. What? - "Keep watching Michael Bay films, I'm almost there.". This guy should not take any of their advice. - Yeah. I think at the very least this guy should move. Like, I know it's not easy, but like, this is not a... These people are not gonna listen to reason.

- Yeah. - You're gonna be-. - I moved out of an apartment once 'cause of my neighbor. - Oh yeah? - Yeah. - 'Cause of the sex? - Well, he did have goofy sex where it sound, I was like-. - Gawrsh! (everyone laughs). - "Mickey Mouse Clubhouse." You're on. - But no, we got in an argument. I think I've dropped this lore before. But he would just be like on the phone. and be like, "Yeah, we need to sell and reroute.". And I'm like, are you a cartoon? Anyway, so, yes, I think this person could eventually move, but it's not an easy thing to do. unless you have two friends who have a room in their home.

and they want you to move there. - Have you guys ever had these, speaking of just noisy neighbors, with apartments specifically, have you ever had the like stereotypical upstairs neighbors. where it's like, what the hell are they doing? Like, did they build a bowling lane in their living room. and they're bowling? - Yeah. - No, it's like fascinating what some upstairs neighbors do. where I've had neighbors where I'm like, and I've actually figured it out and I'm like, I'm pretty sure they were working out. - [Damien] Oh, interesting.

- I think they were like doing like an aerobics. or like P90X type thing. - Oh, so they're going like... - Just like a lot of movement. I'm like, what the hell? - P90X, my god, I haven't thought about that in a minute. - Just like some crazy movement going on. - I unfortunately am the upstairs neighbor currently, and we're chill, we're cool. Like, when the power went out. during the wind storm that we had, he came and gave me a flashlight. We're chill. We're awesome. But I drop things every day. I can't stop dropping things. I'm just a dropper.

I'm a dropper. I'm a dropper. Sue me. So like middle of the night I have my phone. and I'll just be like, "La la.". (Tommy imitates things dropping). (everyone laughs). So I'm sure he's like, "What the hell, Tommy? "What are you doing?". I'm just dropping stuff. - I only ever had loud upstairs neighbors once. and that was just because they had a toddler, and like so any noise I heard, I was like, that's the toddler. But at the same time I was just like, I guess I wasn't making memories until like three years old, but I also don't know what the kid was doing. 'cause it literally just sounded like, "Doo doo doo doo doo.". (Shayne laughs).

"Doo doo doo doo doo doo.". And it would do that for like an hour and a half every day. I'm like, is this just your, you just do your runs? You just do your-. - I think that's what they do. - Yeah, and there's a period when you're a little baby. where you stomp and you don't walk. You kinda just go- - 'Cause don't have knees yet. Shayne does it well. Like, Santa? - Yeah. - Yeah. - Wow. - [Tommy] Wow. - [Damien] Wow, how 'bout that? - That was quite the story. - Yeah, and I never wanna hear it again. - You know what? I could hear it again. - Let's run it back. - Otherwise I won't be able to finish intercourse.

(Shayne laughs). - There you go. - I... It just dawned on me that people have definitely had sex. to probably every single type of show we've done on Smosh. - Don't do this. - Are you kidding me? Of course. Background noise. - Don't do that. - Just like the things happen, right? Like, I know 99% are driving. or they're getting ready for their day. There are people who probably accidentally, it's probably by accident. - Okay, okay-. - [Damien] It's not intentional. - I just mean like, I don't think it's intentional. But... - [Damien] It's still on. - We've made what, a million videos? - That's true. No, it's possible.

- And there's a lot of people watching. - It's the Netflix, like are you still there? (everyone laughs). - Do you need to get there? Yeah, no, I definitely have had "Dance Moms" just running. and then gotten intimate, and then I hear Abby yelling. and I'm like, I gotta turn this off. 'cause it's taking me out. - Wow. Yeah. - So I'm sure it actually has happened. - It's probably happened. - A horrific thing to think about. (beep) right now! (everyone laughs). Did you do it? Did you do it? Did you do it? - Someone did. You're like, did you know. if you start "Smosh Reddit Stories" 193-.

(everyone laughs). Tommy says (beep) right now. Sorry. (everyone laughs). Jesus. - You know if you start "Smosh Reads Reddit Stories". right at the 30 minute mark. you (beep) at the 31 minute mark. (everyone laughs). - Tommy gives you permission, which makes it great. (everyone laughs). Sorry. - All right, moving on. - All right. - Okay. - This next story comes from Relationship Advice. - Okay. - This is a 25-year-old man. "My girlfriend, who's 24, destroyed my tanks of fire ants.".

- Oh. - Oh. - Tanks. - Tanks of fire ants. - Tanks. He's prepping for something. - Yeah, that's a large volume of ants. - "Before you ask, "no, she doesn't have a problem with me keeping ants. "I'm quite sure that's not the reason. "We had an argument earlier today. "Later I left to get groceries and let her chill out. "Came back, soon saw the state of the ant room, "spare smaller bedroom where I keep them. "Guess I should give a crash course on ant farms,

"so this makes sense.". - We know. - We get it. - Ant room? Continue. - "Most have two compartments. "One emulates the underground colony. "with tunnels and chambers where the queen nests. "Then this is connected by a tube to a second part. "that emulates the above ground world. "where the workers go to forage for food. "Hope that makes sense. "So anyway, my girlfriend. "had disconnected the two compartments, "dumped the colony on the floor, so that's soil plus ants, "and dismantled the sides of the out world part.

"to leave the contents all over the place. "I am lucky everything is plastic. "or there'd probably be broken glass everywhere too. "I've had these ants for over two years. "There's hundreds of them. "I have put hours and hours of work into growing this colony. "and crafting their environment. "I know it will sound weird or stupid to some people, "but it's my hobby, similar to keeping fish in aquariums. "It's like if someone dumped out your water. "and threw all the gravel and ornamentals around, "plus leaving your fish to die.

"Except while I'm sure some of the ants have died, "plenty are still alive for now. "They have free (beep) range of the entire house now. "I am furious. "Red fire ants are an invasive species. "that's gained a foothold in some parts of the country. "Luckily not our part because of the climate, "but as long as they're alive, "they'll sting any unsuspecting person. "who comes into contact with them or is walking barefoot. "They can cause serious allergic reactions in some people. "This can be fatal. "Ants are drawn to dark places, "so they'll very likely go into the walls.

"And don't worry, "yes, I've thoroughly alerted the other tenants in the house. "what happened and how to protect themselves. "This is serious shit. "And my girlfriend could not be (beep). "to think of anyone else as long as she got her revenge. "I'm just so pissed because I put in so much research, "always took the utmost care, safely handling them, "never even had an accident, and now it's all trashed. "They're loose, not because I did something wrong, "but because she went psycho. "But everyone will still think it's my fault. "Let's be real, insects and other exotic pets, "especially ones that pose a risk if they escape. "or are handled improperly, aren't exactly looked well upon.

"The owner is always held responsible. "She did apologize. "She said she just got carried away because she was upset. "But I just don't buy that. "because if she honestly had no control in the moment, "then why were my ants the only thing to end up destroyed. "in a really thorough way at that. "She knows it's important to me. "It's not like she just attacked my old books. "from college or something. "Also, she'd been wearing shoes and gloves. "That tells me the planning was there to not expose herself. "while exposing me and everyone else. "What the (beep) should I do?

"I would honestly kick her out over this, "but it wouldn't be in the interest of public health. "because we're obviously quarantining together.". This is 2020. - Oh. - "Everyone is hunkered down. "Right now we're in separate rooms. "as I am trying to clean this shit up as best I can, "and she shut herself in the bedroom. "No idea what to do now. "I'm still in shock she did this. "I'll need to fumigate the whole apartment. "to be sure they're gone. "And who knows when that will be able to happen. "PS, living together for almost a year, "dating for more than two if it matters.".

- Whoa. Whoa. - Obviously like I am overflowing with ant farm facts now, and I love that and thank you. - We know so much. - And it's not... She shouldn't have done that. Not asking, you know, what did you do to deserve it? But he didn't talk at all about what the revenge was for. - Right, right. And I had that in my mind too. - I'm like kind of, I'm just curious before we discuss-. - She went psycho, and I'm like, hmm. - What happened? - Right, right. We do have that element. There's the balance of things.

Ultimately though, she screwed over not just him-. - But everyone in the community. - 100%. - She unleashed a bunch of terrifying bugs. It was also revenge on herself. Like, you made your living space unlivable. - You made it ants. - It's the equivalent of like, I'm mad at my roommate so I lit our house on fire. - Exactly. - I said sorry, Shayne. (Shayne laughs). That's crazy. - This is April of 2020, which means they are quarantined, they are stuck, and she's unleashed hundreds of fire ants.

into their apartment. - They've got another year. - Like, you can't get out of that easily. And you're gonna get bit. - That's why I can't respect revenge in general is like, it's always going to be something that hurts a lot of people. and doesn't really solve anything. - Exactly. - Like, sucks for the ants, sucks for everybody else. Yes, like, you know, exotic pets being dangerous, like yeah, it is your responsibility as an owner. But I also have to imagine. that there's not much you could have done to be like,

I protected it from my girlfriend in case she got mad. and I have a laser grid, and now they're okay. - Yeah. - But I also want to know what the conflict was. - I do want to know what he did. The fact that he's just like, "Yeah, we just got into an argument over some stupid shit.". - So I've been feeding her ants every day in secret. - I killed her family, but she did this. - But she got ants. - Yeah. - But if I'm their roommate, I kind of don't care what he did. I'd be like, "Um, yeah, that's cool. "You unleashed a bunch of terrifying bugs into my space.".

- That is in the wrong, I wanna make that so clear-. - 100%. - For the comments out there. I'm just so curious 'cause-. - I'm curious too. - [Damien] There's gotta be-. - How do you resolve that? So you have to fumigate? - He said he has to fumigate, but he's like, "I don't know when we can do it.". - You have to be outta the house for like 24 hours. - I think they have to truly live with hundreds of fire ants. in their apartment now. - I have a personal anecdote about that actually. - Ant. - Well, ant... - And that's the episode, everyone. - And that's the episode. Thank you so much for watch... - Okay, go. - I recently had to deal with a bug situation in my space.

I noticed like one or two little things in the kitchen. and I'm like, oh, this corner I haven't cleaned in a bit. I need to like organize. It'll be fine. And similarly, there is a bird nest outside of my window. that for the few years I've been in my space, it always like has a new generation of birds, coming in, laying little baby. It's awesome. I get to watch the babies like grow, and I'm like, oh, any day now they're gonna fly. And then sometimes there's a couple generations per year. It's awesome. This time turns out there's something called bird mites.

And due to the climate, they're now a little more prevalent. And when the birds go away and leave the nest, the mites are like, well dang, we don't have anything. to be a parasite at. Oh, wait a minute. Look in there. And while they can't reproduce without birds, they can bite the shit outta you for like two weeks. along with your cats. So I had to like clear out the entire space, like every like important electronic, like get it outta there, take care of the cats. It was a nightmare. And I tell you that to tell you this,

bedbugs have like a higher threshold than these things, so these things were, you know, fine, but they don't always have to fumigate now. Now they heat your space. They bring in these hot air blowers. and get it to a certain degree. So I think they got my space up to like 140 degrees, 150. - Whoa. Oven. - Whereas bed bugs are like 180. Yeah, so like I had a couple of things that I forgot. that were like candle, electronic candles, but I guess still had wax and like melted everywhere. They're super dead. But like yeah, they cook the bugs out of your walls.

and everything, so... - Well these are fire ants, so it's gonna be like 300 degrees. - They're gonna douse your home. - They can live in lava. - [Damien] That's true. - They can. - "Minecraft" is crazy. - Yeah. Their relationship sounds like it should not be happening. - No. - No. - Like, at all. - Not at all. - There is never an excuse for anybody. at any time saying like, "I was out of control. "I didn't know what I was doing.". It's like, oh, then you're not safe to be around people. or in a relationship. - Exactly. Exactly. - It's, yeah. - Oh, sorry, I couldn't control myself, so I unleashed poisonous bugs everywhere. - While I was putting on gloves,

I was like, I'm so crazy right now. - Comments. "I think you've got to figure out the specifics. "of a general plan to break up with her. "and get her to move out. "There's no coming back from this in my view.". I agree. - Yeah. - Someone said, "Wow, as someone who keeps many reptiles. "and insects, I would be absolutely devastated. "if someone destroyed the tanks, "let alone endangered my animals. "I know how much time, effort, "and care goes into the maintenance of these animals, "especially ants, and I'm so sorry this happened to you. "I don't have much advice relationship wise, "but if it was me, "I know I'd want nothing to do with someone.

"capable of such reckless behavior. "Good luck and I hope you can salvage your colony.". OP said, "Thanks for understanding. "Appreciate it. "To be honest, salvaging the colony is not my priority. "I'm upset, but I'm trying to do what I can. "to keep as many as possible from getting out of the room. "I've had diatomaceous earth-". - Diatomaceous earth! - "Diatomaceous earth on hand, "just in case there was ever an accident, "so I've scattered that and will vacuum later.". Lastly, someone said, "Be glad you are not married and break up with her. "It will hurt, and that's okay. "You will have escaped someone. "who in calculated anger did what she thought.

"was the most hurtful thing she could do to you.". - Yep. - [Shayne] Yeah. - 100%. - Gauging on how she, I mean, I don't know. The thought of like just destroying things or like, there are certain reactions where it's like such a red flag. This is where it goes past the red flag. I'm like, she, it's now the thing. - Yeah. - That the red flags warn you about. - I think in any relationship, having revenge against a partner for any reason is like, that's already a sign to be done.

- Yeah. It should be over. - Yeah, I agree, because then it's like, okay, so we're not partners, we're not teammates. We're opponents. - Right. We're enemies. - We're enemies. So okay, so we're done. - Right. - Yeah. There's things like that, I would say this and then it reminds me. of when people threaten divorce or breaking up. where I'm like, okay, so we're broken up. - Yeah. - Like, there's just some things that in my head, I've always been like, all right, so that's the, that is the flare gun. Like, you've launched it. We're done. - Trying to hold power over someone. - Yeah. - And also since everybody asked, diatomaceous earth is awesome.

It is-. - What is diatomaceous earth? - Well, you sprinkle it on the ground. - You sprinkle it on the ground. So diatoms, these little life things. that are like not fungus, not plant, not animal. They're these little diatoms. They are in the ocean. They die, they sink to the bottom, and become diatomaceous earth. - So they're like little dead bodies. - They're like little dead bodies, and they're almost like glass in a way, but they're too small to cut us. But something like an ant walking over it. with like a chitinous shell, that gets cut and it can't hold water anymore. So it doesn't kill them immediately. They just die off in a little bit in a non-poisonous way.

because they can't get any kind of hydration. That being said though, it's extremely dangerous to breathe in. It is bad for your lungs a lot. So if he's like, yeah, I'm sprinkling it everywhere. and I'm gonna vacuum it up. It's like uh-oh, that's also super bad for you. during COVID times. - These people are gonna, are these people gonna die? - No. I mean I have-. - They have fire ants and poison air now. And glass air. - And COVID. - And COVID. (laughs). - People on Venus seem to be fine where it rains glass.

- Yeah, yeah, that's fine. That drone they sent there only lasted like two seconds. But yeah, it was fine. - Well, we discovered robots can scream. (everyone laughs). - Oh my god. Didn't it have like, it had like a, like a camera that had like a diamond lens. and it was just like, like everything like shattered. Terrifying. - I didn't keep up with that news story.

- This was like in the '80s. The Russians sent a rover to Venus. and it just like got destroyed. - It had a monkey on it for no reason. (everyone laughs). - [Tommy] Classic. Classic. - Hey guys, I'm here. (yells). (everyone laughs). - Thanks for letting me nerd out about diatomaceous earth. - No, that's really cool. I remember you telling me about diatomaceous earth before. - Just in cool conversation. - That's wild. All right, our next story comes from Petty Revenge. "She erased us from her wedding, "so I'm erasing her from mine.". - All things balanced. - As they should be.

- I love it. - "When my brother got married, his bride, "now my sister-in-law, had very specific expectations. "She wanted everyone in the family. "to wear their wedding colors, and we all did. "People flew in from out of state. "Everyone made an effort to make her feel celebrated. "The day before the wedding, "she made some offhanded but clearly pointed remarks. "about how our side of the family. "never takes anything seriously. "and she wasn't expecting us to take this seriously either. "The comments made their rounds and feelings were hurt. "before the wedding even began. "But we still showed up, looked great, and participated.

"Fast forward to getting the wedding photos and video. "Not a single photo of our side of the family was posted. "Not one in the entire three minute highlight reel. "No faces from our family except a three second clip. "of my parents with the bride and groom. "The rest of us, it's like we never existed. "I texted her cordially. "and asked if she could send me the pictures. "with just our siblings since none had been posted. "She responded that we never took those pictures. "That's wild. "because I remember helping people adjust corsages for them.

"She doubled down on the gaslighting. "I gave it six months and asked again. "She suddenly had no idea what I was talking about. "Fine. Here's where the petty revenge comes in. "I'm getting married in eight days. "I've been engaged for six months. "and planning this moment since she tried to erase us. "I hired a great photographer and videographer. "What she doesn't know. "is that the videographer has a secret mission. "Make it look like she's getting all the attention. "Track her, hover near her like she's the star of the show. "She will feel so seen. "And then the final cut,

"she won't appear for even one second. "Just like she made sure we didn't. "I didn't even invite her originally. "Word must have gotten out. "because she cornered me at a family dinner and said, "'Unfortunately I have to work the day before. "'and after your wedding, "'but I should still be able to make it.'. "I was so stunned I just said, 'That's fine. "'The Airbnb is booked whether you're there or not.'. "So now she's coming. Ugh. "To cope, "I spelled her name wrong on the wedding invite on purpose. "That was my first move. "The video blackout will be my last. "Not asking for advice, not asking if it's too mean.

"It's not. It's exactly fair. "Happy to finally talk about it freely.". - That's hilarious. (everyone laughs). - Not asking if it's too mean. It's not. It's (beep) awesome. (everyone laughs). - I win. Shut up. - I win. Go to hell. Comments disabled. (everyone laughs). (beep) you. (laughs). - I do love that energy. - Yeah. - Not the whole, you know, there's,

we'll talk about it. - The energy's hilarious. Okay, I always feel this way a little bit where I'm like, okay, this is your sister-in-law. So... Wait, so when my brother got married, his bride. Okay. So this is his brother's wife. All right, it's like-. - Yeah, would his brother not be invited to the wedding. in that either? - I know. That's why I'm like, okay, like you are also making things uncomfortable. for your brother a little bit too. - Right. And that's close to home. - I'm like, all right, so you're gonna have to make it. so that only she's not in photos, but your brother...

What if your brother has an amazing photo, but she happens to be there? Like, are you willing to erase that memory? - I guess that's what she did for her. - Look, she's not asking if it's too mean. She's not-. - She's not. She's not. - [Shayne] She's not asking. - It's awesome. I'm also curious what anybody else. had to say about that to her. Like, if he was like, "Oh, could we get those photos?". And she's like, "I don't know what you're talking about.". Aren't all the others siblings curious? - The entire side of the family. The brother I guess doesn't seem to care. that none of his family is in any of the photos.

Which makes the bride, this sister-in-law sound awful. Like, the fact that she's like, "I erased your entire family from the... "Your family wasn't there.". Like, she doesn't seem like she loves him. - History will not remember you. in 1,000 years. - Yeah, I'm like, okay. - That's also such an intense move to do. 'cause that's gotta be, I mean, depending on the size of the wedding, that's quite a few people who are getting erase. - It's a lot of work to like navigate around that.

I will also say, this person sounds awful. They sound like a person who deserves revenge to be had. for those who believe in revenge. - It's not real revenge. - I will also say for OP though, I'm like, your wedding is in eight days. and you seem obsessed with-. - This is what your wedding is about now. - This is all you seem to care about. more than you getting married and your husband. I'm like, 30 years from now, are you going to be like, "You know what? "I shouldn't have gone so hard in the paint. "on my brother's ex-wife.".

- Dropping some Waka Flocka Flame. - Because now like, oh shit. - Ex-wife. - Like, truly. Like, she might be an ex-wife someday, and it's like, oh, that person's a distant memory. in my life. But my wedding, I don't have a like a lot of photos of. because I was so... She sounds like she has a lot of plans going on. She probably does have stipulations. to make sure she gets all the photos she wants. - And then we'll say that she's prom queen, and then we dump pigs' blood on her and now she's Carrie. What is it about weddings that make people-. - Weddings are cursed. - What do weddings do to people?

- I don't know. - I am... Every time. - It's like a birthday, but bigger. - I guess my feeling was so much is I'm like, this feels just like a lot of negative energy. on what is supposed to be the most joyous day-. - Absolutely. - Of your life. That's always my take, 'cause I'm like, if this person's truly this awful. and you're going about getting revenge, is it not better to say like, "You're not invited"? - I agree. - Is that not better? - [Tommy] That might be. - Now it puts your brother in awkward position. But this is your wedding. This is your event.

But I'm like, this just feels like a lot to me. - You could also just take the pictures. and then in post just separate her eyes a little too far. - Oh! - Yes. That's awesome. - Just alter it to the point where she's like, "What?". (everyone laughs). - Make her regret being in the photos. - Exactly. - It's that TikTok trend where the filter is slightly on. and they're like, "Mom, look at this new thing.". - She's like, "What's wrong with me?". - Yeah. - [Damien] I love that. - I've seen ones where dude takes photos.

and he just, he edits his friend. to be like a couple inches shorter in every single photo. (everyone laughs). - That's kind of funny. - That's so diabolical. - [Damien] That's awesome. - Or just like make someone's head just a little big. - Exactly. Exactly. - Like, a little big. - Exactly. - Just a little big. - The George Lopez app. (everyone laughs). He's got a big head. - The George Lopez app. - But then 'cause then you can have your wedding. and you don't have to worry about it.

- Right. - And then you just do that later. - Yeah, I'm just like, I don't wanna be thinking about this. Like, this is a lot of time and effort. - It is. - You don't have to do this. - It's too much. - Comments. "Actually you can just instruct the photographer. "to take unglamorous pho photographs of her, "like her eyes are closed or weird facial expressions. "and just post it on social media. "If she complains, you can just tell her, "'Well, at least everyone is in my wedding photos.'". - Bam. - Someone said, "You didn't ask your brother. "for the photos of your side at the wedding? "I get the petty revenge of not having her. "in any of the videos. "and not putting photos of her in the album, "but at least ask your brother for the photos.

"He likely knows where they are.". Lastly, someone said, "Get her a vegetarian or gluten-free meal by accident. "Make sure she has a seat facing a pole or something. "Spell her name wrong, but differently on the table setting. "Don't give her enough forks or whatever. "Make sure she misses a piece of cake. "because she's allergic. "DM me for more.". (everyone laughs). - That's awesome. - Just mild inconveniences. He's trying to sell you a course. - He's like, he's petting a cat in a giant dark. like throne room. - I'll get you, Gadget. - Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

- My brain just came up with the dumbest joke. - Lay it on me. - Just DM me for more? Demi Moore? (everyone laughs). - "The Substance.". - "The Substance." Give her the substance. - Give her the substance. - Give her the substance. - I'm just, yeah, it's so much energy. This is the main thing for me about like revenge. where it's like, yeah, just don't invite her. And she's like, "Why wasn't I invited?". It's like, "Oh, you kind of were rude to us at your wedding.". Like, communicate. Be like, "Hey, it really sucked. "I don't want you there. "It's gonna bum me out.". - Yeah. - Like, that's the revenge. - Yeah.

- You don't have to be like, "And then I tricked and then she looked in the door. "and there wasn't any.". - [Tommy] Exactly. - For the most part, like if I'm not invited to a wedding, I don't think anything of it, right? But that's for the most part. But this is her brother's wife. Like, you know, the brother's gonna get invited. so you're assuming you're gonna be invited. I understand why she probably just... I don't know. This sounds like an awful type of relationship. where it's like in-laws that hate each other, and it just starts from such a petty place. Like, the in-law, she did something so petty.

I do think it's strange OP is not talking. to her own brother. Her brother seems to be non-existent in this story. - Yeah, he's not a player in the game. - He's a big piece of this who allowed that shit to happen. - Right. - Allowed his whole family to be erased. from the wedding photos. I'm like, and it is the in-law's fault. Like, it sounds like this was all her directive. But he should stand up for his own family, right? - You would think. - I'm almost curious at this point.

if the brother is somehow a part of this. Like, we aren't given much context, but if the sister-in-law is saying, you know, your family never takes anything seriously, you know, is it not possible that the brother said something. to the effect of like, "Yeah, I don't know. "They're like not, you know, "filling their end of the bargain. "Like, yeah, they were supposed. "to book the thing a week ago. "They didn't.". Maybe it's like, yeah, your family doesn't take anything seriously. Like, they could both be pissed. and not be giving that information. - Interesting. - That's true. That's true. - We don't know.

I... Okay, I'm gonna say something really petty here. - Please. - Okay. - Whenever I hear about people going at length. for revenge things like this, which is just, I'm like, okay, I get it. Like, I get that this'll be cathartic for you. If someone I knew said. that they were doing something this extravagant, I'd be like, don't ever tell me you don't have time for things. - 100%. - You clearly have all the (beep) time in the world. You are going on a side mission of this length. Like, do not tell me you're too busy.

Do not tell me, you're like, "Oh, I have no time lately.". I'm like, you had so much time. during planning a wedding to plan a side plot. Like, come on. - It took you a day to text me back? (everyone laughs). Like, what? - Hey, remember when you went at length. and you planned an entire videographer. to follow one person at your wedding? You got time. Text me back sooner. - You can have your own show. This is some "Nathan For You" shit. - Yeah, truly. I think that's my biggest take on revenge is I'm just like, I don't wanna put, I'm too lazy. - It's so much effort. - It's so much energy.

So much energy. - I'm too lazy to get revenge. That is my issue. - I think people need to learn to be okay. with like not winning a situation. Like, you're safe, your friends are cool with you, your family's cool with you. You get to be like, "Yeah, that shitty thing happened. "What a bummer.". - Yeah. - I don't get to win that. I'm gonna go sleep in my bed comfortably. - It's why what I think makes more sense, which I think is the more usual thing. is when people are like, "Oh, well I'm done talking to that person.". Cutting them out. I'm like, yeah, they are clearly, they have no positive intentions towards you,

so like that's fair to cut them out. I do think some people will do cutting out. as like a form of revenge and that's where I kinda disagree. 'cause I'm like, hey, that may not affect them. - Right. - They might not care. Cut people out because they are-. - [Damien] Do it for you. - Do it for you. And I think this is a situation where I'm like, hey man, yeah, don't invite her. and when she cornered you, like just be like, "You're not invited.". Or like if you succumbed there, fine, but then hit her up later and be like, "Actually there's not a seat for you.". - Yeah. - But then it's tricky with the brother. - [Tommy] Yep.

- And it's like, I don't know. Weddings are tough. - I would love to hear the videographer's point of view. - Yeah. - Holy shit. What a mission. - For the first wedding. or the second one? - No, the one who's been given a side mission. - To follow her and specifically videotape her. - That'll cost another $1,000. - Is that not gonna freak her out? Where it's like, hey, this videographer will not stop following me. - He's like, "Smile.". - Yeah. - I'm in the bathroom. - He's dressed up like Dumpster Wizard. - [Shayne] Yeah. (laughs). - It's like, I don't think he's supposed to be here.

- He's in like a ghillie suit in a bush. - Oh my god. Yeah. - Classic like sulfur bulb of like what a scoop. Like, classic. Tin type camera. - Wild shit. Our next story comes from Am I The Asshole? "Am I the asshole for not respecting the fancy soap policy. "in our bathroom. "and accidentally starting a soap-based arms race?". - Oh. - Whoa. Okay. "So my wife, who's 30, bought this absurdly expensive soap.

"from a little shop.". - Aesop. - Probably Aesop. It's probably Aesop. That is some fancy soap. - Aesop and his fables. - I know. Pretty nuts. "It came in a tiny frosted glass bottle wrapped in twine. "with ridiculous branding like hints of pine, regret, "and artisanal disappointment or something like that. "She placed it on the bathroom counter. "and told me this is for guests. "We don't have guests ever. "Okay, maybe once every two months.

"I told her that. "But apparently the idea of a guest potentially seeing. "that we use commoner soap is too horrifying to bear. "So the fancy soap was enshrined like the Mona Lisa, "untouched. "Fast forward, I ran out of my regular cheapo soap, "which came in a cracked plastic bottle. "with a pump that wheezed like a dying Guinea pig. "So in a moment of desperation and dirty hands, "I dared to touch the holy grail. "Was halfway through using a single pump of the fancy soap. "when she walked in looking at me. "as if I was defiling the sacred artifact. "or microwaving the Faberge egg.

"She said I was wasting it. "and that it's not for everyday hands. "I was pissed. "Then I did the unthinkable. "I went out and bought my own fancy soap. "$30. "Grapefruit and cedar. "Smells like if a lumberjack went to therapy. "I put it proudly on my...". Okay, this Reddit guy's actually pretty funny. - This person is really good. - They're working on their tight five. - This is a funny Redditor right here. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - "I put it proudly on my side of the sink. "I declared that this is my new soap. "and only I have a right to use it. "Suddenly it's Cold War soap edition.

"That evening I saw over her shoulder she was searching. "for more soap bottles on Etsy, like she wanted revenge. "At this point, I now want to invite some guests over. "to make sure they use my fancy soap and not hers. "Ha ha! "Now she's mad I'm mocking her. "and says I'm turning cleanliness into a competition. "I told her she started the soap cast system. "I just refuse to be born into the lower class. "She hasn't spoken to me in two days, but I smell amazing. "Tell me...". (everyone laughs). But I smell amazing.

- Just break up. - I know. (laughs). - [Damien] Just break up. - Our marriage is falling apart, but is this worth it? - We smell great. - We spent $600 on soap this month and nothing is wrong. - Oh my god. This isn't an Am I The Asshole. It's like, is this worth it? Like, is this worth it? Yeah, there's some stories that I read where I'm like, you're not an asshole, but I'm like, but you guys don't like each other, it sounds like. I mean, maybe they do. This sounds the way he's writing, I'm like, this is silly. - It sounds light. - You guys are probably... They're probably laughing about it.

- [Tommy] Right. - But he's making this sound. like it's more of a sitcom situation. But it's very funny. - This is Kevin James. - [Shayne] Yeah. Like, truly. - "King of Queens.". - This is very common in like my family. of like having things that are really fancy and nice. that we don't use. Right? It's like, oh, well, that's for special occasions, like once a year. Like, I don't know. Like, I definitely believe in the, like, when you get nice things, you use it, right? Like, absolutely. - This plate is for when the Pope visits. It's like he's not gonna visit. - He's not gonna. - He's not gonna.

He's so busy. - Yeah, I'm tired. of using a paper plate. - Yeah. Look, also, soap for me is one of those things. where like sometimes fancier is not better. Like, whenever I go to visit my mom, I feel bad, but like she very much shops anything. that's like a little greenwashed where it's just like, okay, this soap is chamomile and natural. and it's a little sticky for some reason, whatever. And I'm just like, I just need the $1, like, antibacterial. I'm like, I need soap. - Yeah. - Everything I get there, I'm like, "Do you have sugar?".

She's like, "We have monk fruit.". I'm like, "Get some sugar and salt and pepper and soap!". Like, I'll bring my own. Just none of these things do the thing they're supposed to. - I think also, I don't know if I'm right or not on this. - Probably are. - But we'll see. But I think especially when it comes to things like soap. and like cleanliness things, it's 1% real stuff, 99% marketing. - Yeah. - Oh, 100%. - Like, the $1 stuff is probably as effective. as the $30 stuff. It just looks nice. - The ability for soap to bubble and froth.

is something that they added so that you can visibly. see it doing its work. - No. - It doesn't need to bubble. Yeah. - Yeah. - No. - I have heard that. - It is a thing. All natural soap can just sort of just be-. - So like a facial foaming cleanser is bullshit? - I don't know about that one. I know it's dish soap that does that. So I'm sure some things foam. and bubble naturally. - That's heartbreaking. - I do appreciate the bubbles. 'cause it's kinda like a tracker, you know? I'm like, okay, that's where I'm getting the soap. all over the place, you know? - Yeah, it's also fun. - It's fun. It's a blast.

I love it. (everyone laughs). But no, I'm a believer of like, use the fancy china, you know? Like, I've always felt that way. I think it's silly to have things that you don't use. - Do you in video games get a bunch of items. that you save for boss fights and then never use them? 'Cause I do that. - I was pretty bad about that with "Breath of the Wild". for a long time. And then I got to a point where I was like, no, like I'm gonna swap it, so I use my best stuff and then... Then it's like fun once you run out of all your best stuff. and you have shitty things, and then the game's actually fun, it's a challenge again.

- Yeah. - So... - [Damien] Saving soap. - And then in "Stardew Valley," it's like, okay, you get like really, really fancy crops. Like, you know, (beep) use that shit. Sell it or use it. Like, don't just hold onto it. - The ancient fruit, you gotta turn that into preserves and sell it. Even ancient fruit wine to maximize profit. - I make ancient fruit wine. - I haven't played either of these games. - You gotta play "Stardew Valley.". - You would love "Stardew Valley.". - I know, I know. - You have too much of a life and friends and goals. - Okay, buddy. - Cut to me yesterday, like 8:00 PM like, "I guess I'll go to sleep.".

(everyone laughs). I was like, the day's over, I guess. - All right. The verdict was not the asshole. I agree. He technically didn't do anything that makes him an asshole. He bought soap. - He bought his own soap. - He bought his own soap. That is all he technically did. - Do they have a shared bank account? - I don't think so. - $30 is gonna hit 'em hard. - [Damien] Yeah, $30 is rough. - Comments. "It's always heartwarming. "to see two psychopaths find each other and fall in love. "Godspeed to both of you.". Someone said, "I'm invested in this. "Please update weekly.

"Add a fancy hand towel. "and perhaps a little bottle of some kind of freshener. "your friends might like to dab on. "after they wash their face. "Beard oil or something for after a meal. "and maybe a scented witch hazel and some cotton balls. "and a pretty photo of the forest.". Someone said, "Please, OP, put your soap in a clear box. "with a small lock. "Wear the key on a long chain around your neck." (laughs). - Dear lord. - [Shayne] Jesus. - Pass it down to your son, Eren, telling him that he will see the secret. of the basement one day. Then when Shiganshina District is attacked-. (Shayne laughs).

- Now this I know. - It's "Attack on Titan!". - Now this I know. - Yeah. - Our producer Bailey has just informed us. of something quite shocking. So Bailey, looking for an update to this story, went to OP's page. This man, this 30-year-old man, I'm assuming. And besides this story, besides this Am I The Asshole story, his page is entirely photos of his (beep).

- Okay. - And including a gif of him at the beach. helicoptering his penis, saying, "No better place for a helicopter than the beach.". So I'm doubting everything now. (laughs). - Really? That makes me believe him way more. (everyone laughs). That is the guy that would be like, "I'll start a soap arms race.". - Yeah. - Yeah, that tracks. That tracks for me. - I hope you're using that soap, especially if I'm a guest at your house. I need to know you're using that soap, okay? - Yeah. - Yeah. - [Shayne] Please. - Gotta make everything clean for posting. - If you find any sand on the sink,

you know he's been naked by the sink. - Yeah. That's always so funny when you like go to someone's page. and it's like, whoa, lore drop! - Yeah. - I remember there was a Twitter post. and it was like- - It's always Twitter. - It was a Twitter post. This was years ago. This is like five years ago. Where it was like this guy posted like, like kind of like an incel type of like, red pilled kind of post, like hating on something or whatever. And someone quote retweeted it and was like, "Hey dude, we can see your likes.". And then you go to his likes. and it's entirely Nintendo Rule 34 porn.

- [Damien] (beep). - Whoa. - It was all Nintendo waifus. Like, that's all it was. And it was hilarious. It's like, bro, we can see 'em. Very funny. - I hope a goomba was involved. - Probably somewhere along the lines. - Who do you think took the photo? (everyone laughs). - I like when they have guests over. when they walk outta the bathroom, it's like, "So you smell like cedar.". Okay. - Yeah. - (beep) made the wrong choice. - What was the first one where he mentioned. that it smells like regrets?

- I think he was being funny. - Regret and disappointment. - Okay, 'cause I was like, that's a witch's brew. - His smells like a lumberjack went to therapy, which is very funny. - As we know is grapefruit and cedar. - [Shayne] Yeah. - Good writer. And a apparently a great (beep). - Great penis. - Well... - I was about to ask-. - We don't know. - I don't think I can ask a fellow coworker. - It is time for our last story. Today I (beep) Up. Okay, this is a True Off My Chest, but they wrote the title as if it's a Today I (beep) Up. "Today I (beep) by not flushing a yellowjacket.

"in the toilet, causing my guest to get stung in the balls.". ♪ No, no, no ♪. - So this is revenge. because it's the yellowjacket's revenge. - Oh. - Oh. - "Today to my horror, a yellowjacket got in my apartment. "I got insanely lucky in that when I saw it, "it was sitting on a magazine at an easy height to trap. "I thought fast, grabbed an empty glass, "and slammed it on top of the thing, "screaming internally and praying not to trigger its rage. "I looked around very carefully,

"but thankfully didn't see any others. "Meanwhile, it had started going berserk in the glass. "So I worried the second I took the top off, "it would fly out and exact revenge on me. "However, just leaving it under the glass. "made me incredibly squeamish. "I hate bugs. "I didn't wanna see it. "I didn't want to hear the staticky sound it was making. "I just wanted it to be gone from my life. "and to pretend none of this had ever happened to me. "I considered moving it to another room. "where I wouldn't have to look at it, "but I kept catastrophizing situations where it got out. "I could forget it was in there and pick the glass up,

"or someone could knock it over, or any number of things. "So finally, I very carefully picked up the glass. "and the magazine underneath it. "I kicked my toilet open with my foot, "and bam, I dropped the whole thing in there, "magazine, cup, all of it, "and slammed the lid down as fast as I could. "I didn't wanna risk lifting the cup. "and letting the yellowjacket escape. "before I got it in the toilet. "I had considered trying to shake up the cup until it died. "or became disoriented enough to be docile, "but I couldn't escape the feeling. "that my dumbass would lose hold of the magazine.

"and then the mother (beep) would be loose. "and extremely agitated. "I didn't flush, of course, "not with a whole-ass magazine and a cup in the toilet, "but my logic was eventually the yellowjacket. "would fall into the water and drown. "So I'd open the toilet in a day or two, "I've got a bathroom in my room and a guest bathroom, "to fish out the items and flush the bug corpse. "So I recovered from the heart attack for the most part. "and settled down to watch some TV. "A while later, a friend texted. "that he was in the neighborhood. "and asked if he could come over. "I said sure. "We had a beer, watched some Olympics.

"This is a good friend, a close friend, "not the kind who asks if they can use the bathroom. "when they're visiting. "So a while into the night he gets up. "I don't think anything of it. "because we'd both been getting up periodically. "to grab snacks, plug our phones in, whatever else. "Before I realized it, it was too late. "I heard the door close and I started to call out, "'Oh hey, you should actually use the other one.'. "But he didn't hear me. "All I heard was a strangled (yells). "Then a crash. "And then the door flies open. "My buddy falls out naked from the waist down,

"crawling backwards, screaming, 'What the (beep)! "'What the (beep)! What the (beep)!'. "And clutching his testicles. "I had to control myself and tap into my more humane urges. "because with the knowledge that thing was now loose. "in my not very large apartment, "all I wanted to do was leave, "but I had to help my friend up. "He was in serious pain. "Then we had a real dilemma. "because he didn't wanna put his balls away, "but we also wanted to get outta the apartment. "and go into the hall or outside, "safe from the yellowjacket, "which at that point was out for blood.

"and could have been anywhere. "My ability to remain calm in the crisis was not helped. "by the fact that he was attacking me the whole time. "He thought whatever had just happened. "was some kind of (beep) up prank. "because there was random garbage floating in my toilet, "and he felt like he just had an electroshock to the (beep). "He was hitting me with this free hand and going, "'Why was there a book in there? "'Seriously what did you do? "'That really (beep) hurts.'. "And on and on. "I told him there was a bee in there, "there was a yellowjacket in there. "And his twisted mind jumped.

"right to my having done it deliberately. "So half naked, and I'm assuming still in searing pain, "he tackles me. "He's yelling, 'You sick (beep)! "'Why would you put a bee in there?'. "And all this other stuff. "I was too horrified by trying to keep my friend's (beep). "from touching me while simultaneously. "trying to locate the yellowjacket again. "Finally, we realized we'd seen it fly outta the bathroom, "so it must not be in there. "And we locked ourselves in. "and calmer heads prevailed enough for me. "to explain the whole pathetic situation. "The yellow menace managed to get him in the neck as well, "so he was subjected to an overwhelming amount of pain.

"head to toe. "But he wasn't allergic or anything, "so he was able to get home just fine. "An added awful (beep) bonus to this (beep) up of mine. "is that while I do know how to tell yellowjackets. "from hornets and hornets from honeybees and so forth, "I didn't know they don't all leave stingers behind. "And I was taught that if you're stung, "the first thing to do is remove the stinger. "by any means necessary to stop the transmission of venom. "So I spent a good 10 to 15 minutes. "massaging my buddy's ball sack. "until we thought to Google what happens. "if I can't find/remove yellowjacket stinger?

"And learned that they rarely leave anything in the skin. "So it was a painful and awkward night all around. "The yellowjacket is still in my apartment somewhere. "I (beep) up the moment I didn't just kill the thing. "when I had the chance. "Stay safe out there, Reddit.". Can I... Okay. - Yeah. - Primary, what's everyone's primary question? - My primary question-. - I think we have the same-. - There's a lot of questions. - I think I have the first thing that, the first question I want to ask.

- My first question is, you're so worried about this yellowjacket, your strategy is to throw objects into a toilet. - A thing that can fly. - Right. - And also when you have a toilet, there's like the actual seat you sit on and then the lid, but there's a little gap between the seat. and the actual like toilet bowl. - It could very easily climb out. - Are we allowed to say this, Bailey, that this obviously did not (beep) happen? (everyone laughs). Or are we avoiding saying that?

- I think you're allowed to say that. - Okay, 'cause there's so many logic things where he's like, "I have a very tiny apartment, but I have two bathrooms, "and I didn't wanna leave the thing in just the cup. "'cause someone could knock it over. "But apparently I live alone and have a second bathroom, "therefore I just threw it in the toilet. "and we use the second bathroom.". Like, you didn't wanna leave it in the cup. and go to the other bathroom yourself? - And I'm sure your question, Shayne, is, is our guest going full naked to like piss or shit.

or something. and then didn't look in the toilet before doing anything? - There's that. My question-. - We all have different questions. - My earnest question was, I'm like, okay, maybe the stinger was left in his balls, why do you have to be the one to massage the balls? - That's, yeah. - I'm like, your buddy can massage his own balls. - His balls got stung, so I sucked his penis a little bit. just to try to get him to calm down. - [Tommy] I wanna get the venom out. - Gotta get the venom out! - A lot of venom came out. - I saw this on "House." Don't worry.

- [Bailey] So he does answer that question. It's because his friend is in so much pain that he's like, they think that he doesn't have the vantage point. to be able to find the stinger in his balls. - I've never been stung by a yellowjacket to be clear. - Neither have I. - Is it so much pain that he literally cannot function. and cannot... - It sucks. Have you ever gotten like a shot at the doctor. when like it's a newer person still learning. and they kind of hit the muscle. and it's got that like twinge?

- Yeah. - It's like a bug bite with that. Like, it's not fun. - I was gonna say like, I thought a bee sting and yellowjacket sting, it's like the sting hurts, but it's not like you're left in writhing pain for hours. - Is it like a jellyfish where you're like, (yells). - It's like, oh, a man o' war (beep) got all over me. I'm like, yeah, we need to go to the hospital. - I mean, I got stung on like the back of my knee. when I was a kid by a yellowjacket and it sucked, but like you continue on with the day. I will also say. that like when you're vulnerable bits get hurt, the last thing you wanna do is be like,

"I'm gonna air it out for the more danger.". Like, I'm like, you would probably put that back. in your pants. - Come back! - Yeah. Like, you would probably put your pants on. and not tackle your friend, assuming they sicked a bee on you. - This feels like, what I think happened here is I think some version. of this really happened, and then he just added a bunch of creative writing to it. - Realistically, he and his friend saw a spider. and that's just... (Shayne laughs). He's like, "Wait a minute.". - I could see someone trapping a yellowjacket. and doing the thing where they throw that in the toilet. and like shut the lid.

- Sure. - And just 'cause some people. just don't make the right moves. - There's also a pressure situation. where like you can't just throw an upside down cup. into water and have it be like, oh, it's gonna fill right up. No, it's gonna be like... And the yellowjacket flies out. - Yeah. - And if the yellowjacket is drowning, it's gonna crawl up on your magazine or book or whatever. as like a little "Titanic" situation. but the door is big enough. - Oh yeah. - Where it loses credibility. is he's going around his whole house. and I'm like, you didn't go out your door? - Yeah. - You went everywhere in your house with this yellowjacket.

You didn't go outside? - I was so frightened. - You could throw it. - You could honestly go, if you were afraid to just open it up-. - Just leave it outside. - Just go leave it outside. - Yeah. - And then some poor person's gonna walk by. and accidentally kick it open. - What's this? - A free upside down cup and a bug. I do that all the time. Bug on a bathroom door and you go outside. It takes just a minute. And if you're so terrified of yellowjackets. that you're shaking and you can't do it, you wouldn't forget. You would warn your friend. - [Shayne] Yeah. - I'm mad about this now. - Some comments.

"I was too horrified by trying to keep my friend's (beep). "from touching me. "And then I spent a good 10 to 15 minutes. "massaging my buddy's ball sack. "What happened to your resolve?". OP said, "There's needless (beep) contact. "and there's stop the transmission of poison (beep) contact. "I sucked it up.". Yeah, this isn't real. Someone said, "Is he okay now? "I can only imagine the pain.". OP said, "He's all right. "Thanks for asking. "He's in a shit ton of pain. "But put a call in. "with his general practitioner's answering service.

"who basically recommended home remedies or gutting it out. "and obviously to watch for X, Y, and Z. "then come in if they occur. "I've been worried, so I checked in on him, "and his last update was that he was going to try and sleep. "in hopes it's somewhat better in the AM. "His girlfriend's over trying the home remedies out, "so I'm happy to know he isn't having. "to cope alone at least. "Fingers are crossed for a speedy recovery.". - The girlfriend's like, "Hey, your balls have already been massaged today.". - Yeah, your balls look mighty massaged.

- I was thinking the opposite of like it's a stupid plan. where he's just like, "Oh my god, Bennifer! "Thank God you're here! "Someone needs to massage his balls. "or they're gonna fall clean off and we don't, "and my hands, ooh, they hurt. "Can you?". - Someone said, "You are no longer friends. "War has made you brothers.". Look, there's a world where this is real. I don't know. Some people are ridiculous. - You can say dumb. - This guy's definitely dumb. - Yeah. After 15 minutes we were like, "Huh?".

And then we found out yellowjackets don't even have honey. - Yeah. No, I mean it reminds me of the Three Stooges episode. where in all their antics they end up sucking. all each other's (beep). (everyone laughs). - You got me with that one. You got me with that one. - Whoa! (gags). (everyone laughs). - Forget about Shemp now. - This doesn't work against a (beep). (everyone laughs).

- Oh God. - For people listening audio only, they're like, "What is happening?". - Yeah. - I think their imaginations are good enough. - All right, all right. Ah, well-. - [Tommy] Wow. - That's all our stories for today. - That was something. - Good end. - That was some revenge. That was some revenge. - Yeah. - Can I share one thing finally about revenge. that I feel like people need to know?

- Sure. - When people say revenge is best served cold, I only recently found out what that means. 'cause I always thought it was just like, oh, you gotta be cold when you revenge. That's what revenge is. No, it means, wait a minute, take your time and plan it. - Oh. - The meal has to cool down. Serve it cold. - I also never knew that. - Yeah. Isn't that crazy? - That makes sense. - Makes way more sense than like, be sure to be an asshole. - Yeah. Wow. Okay. - All right, so then the wedding person kind of-. - They served it cold. - They definitely served it cold. - [Tommy] Yeah.

- Wow. All right. - Hey, thanks for a little knowledge drop. at the end of the ep. - Hey, be sure to Google diatomaceous earth. and tell them I sent you. - Nice. - Use my code... - My Google code. - Smosh Mouth. - Use my Google code for diatomaceous earth. It's a good band. Anyways... Guys. - Yeah. - Thanks for being here. Thanks for the revenge. - It was great. - Yeah, it was good to be here. The greatest revenge was the fact that, you know... - Yeah. - You gave us an hour of your time or whatever. and like ha ha.

- Yeah, man. - Yeah, how about that? - For sure. All right. Well, thank you for watching. Hope you had a good time. I hope you're not needing to get revenge on anyone. Hope that's not necessary. And we'll see you next Saturday. Bye. - Just for a fifth or sixth callback. And that's the episode. - That's right. - I'm gonna be thinking about that one for a while.