Shawn Ryan Show #006 Heroic Firefighter / PTSD Advocate Travis Howze

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let's get on with. [Music]. it we were all told the sofa superstore. is on fire and we all knew that that was. a horrible place to have a fire we often. referred to that as a death trap. [Music].

it's one thing when you've got a dead. body there that you can recognize but. you know it's one of yours and you don't. know who the [ __ ] it is. [Music]. [Music].

welcome back. to the sean ryan show. i want to kick things off by saying. thank you for the overwhelming response. we've received on patreon since the last. show. we now have over 80. videos of exclusive content. for our patrons. and the live chats have been pretty cool. too also. thank you for all the itunes reviews. every single show we've released has.

been in the top 100 in society and. culture. on itunes and that's because those. reviews if you haven't yet. and you're new to the show. head over to itunes. please leave us a review. leave at least one word in the comments. section. that's what takes the show to the next. level. [Music].

hey bro where'd you get the hat.

vigilance elite.com. thanks bro appreciate it. roger see you later. [Music]. and now for my next guest. he's a marine corps veteran. a firefighter a police officer. a stand-up comedian and a stand-up human. an author and now motivational speaker. ladies and gents we have been looking. for the perfect firefighter to bring on.

this show for over a year now and we. finally have found one. he was part of the sofa superstore fire. in charleston south carolina which is. one of the deadliest fires to ever take. place in the united states. he is going to tell us his story. and how he moved past his inner demons. at the end of this. we have created a firefighter hat. vigilance elite firefighter hat. which we have for sale and are donating.

all of the proceeds to a firefighter. charity of his choice. ladies and gentlemen. please welcome. mr travis house. travis house. welcome to the sean ryan show. thank you for having me i'm excited to. be here me too i'm excited you're here. i've been wanting to get a firefighter. on for. ever since i've been doing this i've. been kind of looking for. someone that's a right fit uh that's a.

firefighter. and um. i put a couple feelers out. and it was always they were they just. kept sending me. this firefighter was a seal or this. firefighter was a marine or this and i. didn't want to focus on the veteran. stuff for the mill stuff i wanted to. focus on. uh. the actual you know being a firefighter. and uh because i know you guys see a lot. of traumatic stuff and and um i think uh. you're another occupation that's.

extremely underappreciated by the. general population. and um. so anyways you reached out we connected. and uh i think you are the perfect fit. uh to be here. so. thank you for coming that's the nicest. thing anybody's ever said to me i never. say that. is that a tear yes it's just a little. one all right don't make me cry too much. help no it certainly is my pleasure to. be here i'm certainly an honor i love. what you guys do and it's just to be a. part of it it means a lot thank you.

thank you well. i did a a bunch of research on you and. uh we kind of talked about that in the. warm up but. you know he got a new book out read that. um. listen to your podcast and then because. i don't really know anything about being. a firefighter i did uh. i researched i spent some time. researching kind of uh. you know what you guys go through on the.

day-to-day type stuff and and kind of. the camaraderie and and uh got as good. of a feel as i think i would get by. watching videos and. and talking to friends. but uh in your background you've had a. lot of careers yeah you uh. out of highs right out of high school. you went in the marine corps. then you became a firefighter. then you're a police officer. firefighter again. stand-up comedian.

motivational speaker. author. and i mean then then as i researched you. a little bit more. i found out that uh you were a limousine. driver i don't know i was a limousine. owner a limousine owner why didn't you. drive a limit i did drive too. so all my all my drivers were cops and. firefighters and i certainly have some. good stories some stories that would. make some people lose their jobs. nice. and uh.

what i was really surprised about is i i. had no idea that you are a. survival. expert. oh you found that i did not know that. and uh you know so. i want to go ahead and roll the tape. of what i found. all right. hey it's travis howells i'm out here in. the desert in nevada i'm a united states. marine corps veteran so i like to. consider myself kind of a survival.

expert in different climates yes right. now i'm going to show you just really. quick how you can get water from a. cactus just any any average joe can get. water from a cactus anybody what you're. going to do you're going to go down to. the cactus. and you're going to just reach in. pull out your bottled water. [Applause]. it's perfect man any you guys can do. this stay safe out there stay hydrated. dasani.

so yeah you dug that you dug that out of. the archives i did i did you know and. had i not i would still be wondering how. the [ __ ] i'm going to get water out of a. cactus. you know wind up in a desert somewhere. you know what's so funny about that. video um i was doing comedy out in. laughlin nevada and that was in the. grapevine canyon and i went out hiking. one day and i was dying. and i never really got into putting. pumping content in all this and i walked. by this big ass cactus and i was. thinking man people you can survive off. of these and i had a bottle of water and.

it was just impromptu but what gets me. is i did that video just to have fun. and the hate if you go into comments. these people are talking about your. mother hates you. where's your sense of humor [ __ ] you. know the keyboard commando yeah there's. some marine you were like. they had to teach us that [ __ ] marines. we get mres man and canteens water. buffaloes with water we don't have to go. search forage for it the uh. i mean. i can't like how low is their.

intelligence level to not realize that. is a [ __ ] joke. wait it is a joke right yeah look i'm a. dumb bastard i barely got through high. school and. i could understand that's a joke so i do. not understand people can watch that and. take it so seriously but. i mean you know you pump content you. know yeah i totally get it but uh for. those of you listening you can check out. his youtube there is a ton. of solid survival information on there. oh yeah that uh you know.

you're gonna learn a lot i got into that. for a little while and then i got bored. with it and quit doing it man but you. know what you might have reinvigorated. me i might need to go out and start. making some survival videos again the. naked and afraid one is you saw that one. too i saw all of them i forgot man you. you do research i feel now that you were. saying this like i feel like i was. passing a background test for law. enforcement just to get on this damn. show. but uh. andy you know you're a new author and uh. how long has your book been out. uh two months it came out may 25th.

yeah. well uh. you never were under reading or writing. you said so no and uh. being a survival expert and a. and a and an author. i always give everybody a gift that. comes here so. i got you a little something. you know. what's in the box. no peeking. see that let's see.

[Music]. oh sweet. a little survival hat for you i saw your. hat the other day and i was thinking. about asking you for one so this works. out yeah you know. and now hey the gummy bears some. survival rations for you dude you will. never go hungry or you never go without. the proper calories without these yeah. i'll keep these in my cargo pockets. right on and if you ever run out you. know you can just hit the website and uh. there's all kinds of survival stuff on. there so if i run out of gummy bears is.

it safe to say ask you do you have some. yeah. i i got a couple a little inside just a. couple bags thank you man i really. appreciate it you're awesome thank you. so much i'll give you the box back. everybody gives me the box back i don't. know why i've given this box to. i can't take it on the planet sounds. weird. let me give you my box to stop that. conversation right now. but uh thank you. and it's my color too. you know since you're a new author i.

picked up a book for you. you might want to read that there's a. really good writing style i like that. writing style that this guy. used to write this book so and i know. how much you like cupcakes i love it did. you wrap this. my wife did okay i was about to say. damn she wrapped this thing tight. wait a second. look at this. i got my own book for a present is that. i love it man thank you.

create your own light so. this is awesome yeah you know i don't. even know what to say i get my own book. as a present that was given to me by the. author and uh and it sucks so bad you're. giving it back and uh well i thought you. might want to read it so. i'm just. great man anyways you can uh. get create your own light on amazon. right yeah so you can find this that's. kind of a cool surprise here take it. back too thanks okay. yeah you can get it on amazon and uh.

it's it's. it's surprisingly doing very very well. and i say surprisingly because. i wrote this book just kind of for me. um about all the you know traumatic. experiences i've had and how i dealt. with getting over them. i didn't expect. to put it out there and for. for to sell the way it is. um but it's it's getting you know we had. a conversation it's it's getting into. our communities and military emergency. services pretty deeply and it's getting. a lot of great feedback from it so yeah.

appreciate the support everybody's given. the book means a lot. it's a good book and uh you know there's. a lot of heart and soul in there which. is uh. which is cool you know i like the way. you just. wrote how you speak yeah and uh and it's. helping a lot of [ __ ] people. and um you know and and. even after that you know uh when we. first spoke or messaged i think uh. you sent me the book and you're like i. don't know if you like reading or.

writing i [ __ ] hate it and i wound up. writing a book and i was like yeah right. but after. talking to you i. actually believe you. i [ __ ] hate reading it's a worse and. i hate writing. and uh it's it's actually it's so bad. that. people give me something and i'm just. like i mean i'm just i. i'm not going to read it but i did. i did read that i appreciate it yeah. that's it's tough cause people have. given me books before and they're like. read my book and i'm like.

[ __ ] yeah because i don't read now the. crazy thing is that i'm a marine and i. wrote this without crayons. crazy everybody's like well but it's got. lots of pictures yeah and it's like no. is that there's there's some pictures. but uh. yeah in the subtitles finding. post-traumatic purpose yeah you know we. didn't i didn't say that um. but i thanks for support thanks for. reading it means a lot my pleasure and. uh so. yeah if you want to pick up the book. it's on amazon uh it also inspired me. because i've been one to write a book.

and uh if you can do it. [ __ ] it i can do it. so um and i mean that uh in a good way. but it for somebody else that. doesn't like to read that wrote a book. i'm like i guess it is [ __ ] possible. so. maybe i will uh get my ass in gear. so. reading that book and listening to your. other podcasts. i mean. you have seen. a metric [ __ ] ton.

of trauma. in your lifetime and uh. a ton of it and even without uh you know. the the uh your career as a law. enforcement officer and and even your. childhood. uh. part of what i want to do with this. podcast i want to squash a uh. i guess it's not a rumor but. i get a ton of emails from firefighters. and we kind of talked about this and. it's almost like a uh ever how you.

measure up and the emails always start. even with cops and it's i haven't. [ __ ] seen it what you've seen or i. can't compare to what you've seen or. what you've done and uh. i want to squash that [ __ ] rumor. right now. i can guarantee you that you have seen. a hundred times the amount of traumatic. [ __ ] that i have as a firefighter. and. it is. every [ __ ] day. right where you live. and uh you know.

one thing in the military when you're on. ops and whatever you know we come home. for me to go back and witness some of. that stuff i gotta go to [ __ ] yemen. or i gotta go to afghanistan or not. witness but. see the locations that happen as a. firefighter or as a police officer or a. uh. whatever a first responder this shit's. happening right in your [ __ ] hometown. right where you live where your kids go. to school. uh where your wife's going to the. grocery store.

and uh. i can't even imagine how many places. there are in charleston. south carolina. that you've responded to and seen. traumatic [ __ ] that you have to [ __ ]. drive by. every day or every week. or whatever and um. anyways got a little long winded there. but i wanted to. just put that out there picking up what. you're putting down man it's um. no truer words and you know like i told. you.

no matter what background you come from. whether you did 30 years in seal teams. or you or a 20-year infantry marine army. police officer firefighter this isn't a. competition about who's been through. more. unfortunately some people do experience. more than others. so i do have people that they reach out. and they say travis i i've never. experienced what you have so i couldn't. imagine and i stopped them there i'm. like this isn't about you and me this is. just about your experiences and how. you're handling your experiences with.

trauma and how trauma is affecting your. life don't don't try to wear my shoes. i'm not going to try to wear yours yeah. trauma [ __ ] me up i was exposed to it. like you said. on a grand scale and it was at a very. early age and it just never left my life. so i've had to learn how to live and be. successful. with all of that going on. and. it's been a hard road to hoe. yeah. but man i'm.

i'm in the happiest place i've ever been. in my life right now and that's what i. like when i you know when i do these. these speeches and everything i like to. show people that no matter what is going. on in your life you too can find purpose. and you you can live a healthy and. successful life again yeah you just got. to have the mindset to do it. well you're helping a. a ton of people. um. your book says it all like i said it's. all heart and soul. and uh i mean it's just awesome you know.

that you have found that happiness. because you definitely [ __ ] deserve. it. but uh. you know and and and you do that through. your book and uh in your stand-up comedy. and and now your motivational speaking. and um. anyways so. now i want to dive right in uh and we're. going to start with childhood but you. know not just you but. your entire family on both sides uh.

is no stranger to traumatic events. and. just uh what yesterday or the day before. we were down uh having lunch in the. kitchen and and uh you had brought up a. wallet. and uh we were talking about. we were talking about pass down items. and uh. so. and you were worried that your daughters. might not appreciate that wallet so. why don't you go ahead and tell us a. story about that wallet so that wallet.

august 6 1944. [ __ ] you jean. i um. i've never gotten emotional talking. about this. i don't know i used to i do jokes about. it on stage but i guess. when you're talking about the meaning of. it. it's a little bit different um.

so that wallet was in maya. my grandfather's left breast pocket. and he uh. he was in in the normandy invasion uh he. was with the canadian army that that. grandfather was and he was uh they had. juno beach alongside of utah beach and. all that at the same time i don't know. what wave he was in but he was up there. in the front. from my understanding he died when i was. five. um. but without that wallet i wouldn't be. here where my kids wouldn't be here so.

what happened was uh later on. after that invasion um. that was in june two months later in. august where his unit was in was in. holland and uh. he took a german round to the chest and. that wallet. is the only reason he lived and was able. to you know have his own family which. put me here and. i have that wallet. and when you hold it up there's a bullet. hole going right through the middle of. that [ __ ] and when you turn it. around. you can see where the bullet.

changed its um trajectory. once it hit. and uh. so i have that wallet with all of his. war medals and everything and uh it's it. hangs on my wall underneath my medals. and by my father's. military stuff as well and i have the. the original telegram that the canadian. army sent my grand or my great. grandmother. uh just says your son earl michaud was. shot in the chest in combat. condition unknown that's it.

august 6 1944. wow that's all it says. and it's just a reminder when i go in. there and look at what. what. and not like i really need the reminder. because i know. but it's just it's it's it's such a. special thing to me to see that. and to know that my grandfather you know. risked it all. you know just so we could have have a. little bit. yeah yeah so special. that's uh that's a hell of a pass down. item man and uh i'm.

i was actually gonna say you know uh if. if you're looking for a way to you know. for that to resonate with your daughters. i would just say you already just said. it but i mean. your dad wouldn't be here. was it your dad or your mom my mother. your mother wouldn't be here which means. you wouldn't [ __ ] be here which means. your daughters wouldn't be here. and it's kind of crazy to think about it. you know if it wasn't for a [ __ ]. wallet. right um.

you know. wow well i told you the funny part of. that story my tattoo right here this is. a big windmill and that's one of the. main symbols of holland. my daughter's name is holland because. that's where my grandfather was shot. and these other flowers these are. poppies my other daughter's poppy. but i used to do the joke on stage was. um i couldn't name my daughter. wallet. because that's a ass name and then i. would freak out anytime you saw that. capital one commercial what's in your. wallet it wasn't my wallet. yeah.

yeah. well uh. so anyways i wanted to bring that up i. thought that was an amazing story and uh. actually i didn't realize he was in. normandy and i actually have some beach. sand from normandy. uh. that i've been wanting to frame i'm. gonna give it i'm gonna give you some of. it oh [ __ ] yeah i'll give you some of it. thank you man you know do what you wow. what you need to put it i'll put it. right there with this stuff cool. but um. so moving on to your childhood. you were exposed to.

some very traumatic events. at a very young age and um. it sounds like it all kind of started. with little league. yeah um i have some funny traumatic. events in there when i was run over by a. golf cart when i was three and in my. book i talk about remembering very. specific details and i won't no i'm not. going to get long-winded about that but. trauma has a way of working its way into. our brain and searing our brains like a. cattle iron you can remember very very. specific details about traumatic.

incidents dating back to as early as. three years old for me and i remember it. being trapped underneath the golf cart i. could tell you the names of who who were. there people i can remember specific. conversations what i was wearing which. way that golf cart was traveling the. color of the golf cart it is insane at. the things you can remember in traumatic. events yeah you remember that from three. years old just the detail yeah and i put. that in the book and. um my family and i never really talked. about it we joked about getting run over. by golf cart when i was little but we.

never covered any details and when i. decided to write my book i sat down with. my mom. and i told her you know look i'm gonna. start as early as i can remember writing. about trauma and she she didn't think i. could remember back that that long that. long ago in my life. and i'd say well stop me if i'm wrong. about the golf cart when i got ran over. when we lived in a little trailer park. when i was growing up. she said okay. and when i was finished telling her and. my father they were like. how do you remember that i said that's. trauma that's what trauma does to you.

um. but moving on from the golf cart so i. had a normal childhood it was great and. everything but trauma finds it finds its. way into your life sometimes and for me. it all started when i was in a little. league baseball one of my best friends. um his father was our little league. coach. and um. you know i went camping with these. people i spent many many i spend the. nights at his house and he spent the. night at my house many times and his dad. was a tough guy you know and he was a he.

was a hard-nosed baseball coach. everybody wanted to play on his team. kind of thing and he was a great dude. but. one day my mom picks me up from school. and told me that uh coach had just um. shot my friend his son. and then. shot uh shot his wife in the face and. then shot his his mother-in-law in the. face and. turned the gun on himself and blew his. brains out. and uh. i was 11-ish around that time. and i don't know. when you're that young you don't really. understand the magnitude of that yeah.

fortunately all the other folks lived. [Music]. but i just remember being really. confused at an early age like how. violent this world could be and like. what do we do. with that kind of information and. it wasn't long after that that another. friend of mine was was shot with a. high-powered rifle in his chest and he. was killed his cousin shot him. and um. yeah did you ever get a reason on why. that.

why your uh friend's dad [ __ ]. you know that's their story to tell kind. of thing and uh but i believe it it all. boiled down to divorce. wow at the end of the end of the day and. um. i. i'm very careful in that book to not put. names and. to try to tell my side of it because of. that because i wouldn't want somebody. trying to tell my stories now you know. these are mine. and i just i kind of go over it and.

paraphrase a little bit. so uh. then when i was 14 you know and they say. with emergency services a lot of people. that go into military emergency services. come from traumatic childhoods whether. it be there's a very high percentage. sean i don't know if it's um i don't. know the percentage but it's extremely. high whether it be sexual trauma. physical trauma mental trauma or. actually. experiencing traumatic events like my. case. when i was 14 i was exposed to possible. sexual trauma i ended up taking a summer. job.

with a guy that owned a construction. company and he was a one-man show and he. hired me. and i i go over this in my book as well. in great detail on how this man would. take me to these job sites was just he. and i. and. he would say these very derogatory. things and at 14 i didn't really. understand. the magnitude and i couldn't grasp what. he was trying to do but what he was. ultimately doing was trying to earn my. trust. and he would say very perverted things. and. he never touched me or anything like. that but i think what he was doing no i.

know what he was doing was trying to. earn my trust. and i was fortunate he hired another kid. that i knew who was 17 years old i knew. this kid very well as well. um he came on to the job and it was then. it was fun. you know but the guy was still making. the comments that he would make towards. me. and uh eventually got him so. uncomfortable i quit i didn't i didn't. want to work for him anymore. and literally about three weeks after i. quit. the other the other kid my friend. committed suicide. [ __ ].

and nobody knows why. and that's only left to the imagination. well i think we all know now you know. and uh i don't. i don't know man and it's um. that was when i was 14 and uh. i'd already experienced all of that yeah. and so. this is becoming normal in my life now. yeah. and so when i'm 15 i start hanging. around the fire stations. and i get. i get brought into this brotherhood i.

experience it you know because our. middle school was right across the. street from the firehouse. and i would often find myself in between. bells running over just to have a. conversation with with the firemen and i. ended up. knowing these firemen getting to know. them i actually loved them because. they would start breaking my balls when. i'm in middle school and we're just. having a good time and i saw this family. atmosphere that they had and i had a. great home i had a great family. atmosphere so it wasn't like i was. looking for that because i didn't have. it. i just saw these grown men [ __ ] off.

at work and getting paid to do it and. having a good time and i was just drawn. to it. [Music]. so at 15. i started hanging around there during. the summers you know and um. july 9th 1993 was a day that i'll never. forget um. because i was hanging out at the fire. station and uh during the summer. and uh this firefighter ronnie burgin. runs out and says hey kid you want to go. on a call. i was like yeah [ __ ] yeah i want to go. on a call you know.

every kid wants to ride fire truck right. so. yeah that doesn't happen anymore because. of you know laws and and all these you. know everything's in place to. you know cover your ass but back then it. was very loose so i hop on the truck. with ronnie all i knew is that we were. going to to a motor vehicle accident but. what i didn't realize is that was my. very first call going to and i can. remember all the details because that. very first call was also to the death of. a of another firefighter. damn. well uh what was it like when you got on. scene there.

it was horrible man and it was something. i wasn't prepared to see at 15 years old. um. his name was sammy singleton he was. he's also a marine corps veteran. and he was a brand new firefighter and. he worked for the city next to us and i. didn't know him personally. but when i got there what happened is uh. there was a line of cars. because there was a traffic accident. ahead on a little two-lane bridge going. from beaufort south carolina over to. bluffton south carolina.

and sammy was the last in line he had. just finished his shift and he was. coming home from from work and uh there. was a hump in the bridge. to let you know if that for a boat. channel underneath. and sammy was on one side of that hump. in a concrete truck a mixer truck was. barreling down on them and couldn't see. him when he came over that hump. he couldn't stop in time and he drove. right over the back of sammy's car. and his car was literally when we got. there we had to get on our knees and. crawl to see it underneath it was like. it it not only just drove over the top.

of it but it's like it sucked it up into. the frame it was weird. and initially right away we didn't know. that it was a firefighter um. but they soon found out when when they. were able to pull that pull that car. free and i was standing closer to me. about halfway from me to you away from. it the whole time all these guys were. trying to get sammy out of this car and. he was he was a complete mess he was. something i can't even describe man. and at 15 years old when.

they all start passing the word that. this is a firefighter. you felt this heaviness. just just come over the top of you yeah. and you could see it affect these men. these grown men these. these were men amongst men. and you could see the effect that it had. on them and i immediately had that same. feeling they had it was just heavy. and you think you know you're like these. are firemen they're gonna protect people.

and they're out here getting getting. killed like this um. and i remember that that ride back to. the firehouse it was very somber we. didn't say a word. and i could see ronnie's dead now but i. could see his face still driving down. the road just staring and had this blank. stare on his face and. at 15 i was trying to just understand. understand this thing yeah. you know i'm not trying to make you. revisit every [ __ ] thing that. happened to in your childhood but i. really wanted to kind of bring out. you know how early uh the traumatic.

events started uh because it's such a. big part of the story and. i also want to bring up the fact that. you know. all the [ __ ] that's going on nowadays. and everybody's got a [ __ ] excuse on. why they're not successful. or they can't [ __ ] do this and they. can't do that i had a rough childhood. shut the [ __ ] up you know you're a. living example. of. you didn't you grew up poor. correct. and there's in just 11 to 15 [ __ ].

years old you've seen. more trauma than most people will ever. see in their entire life so. uh you know if you can't make it happen. that's on you. you come up with all the [ __ ] excuses. in the world you can think of. but right here isn't a living example. of. somebody who's dealt with traumatic. events from a very early age and uh. you're doing [ __ ] great now. so um i wanted to kind of highlight that.

and put that message out there well. thank you but um yeah i talk about that. extensively you know everybody wants to. wants to point the finger but nobody. wants to turn that finger around and. point them at themselves yeah and you. know you always hear this you can do. whatever you want but it is there's no. truer words we we are our worst [ __ ]. enemy once we get inside of our own head. that's the worst thing we can do. anything is absolutely possible and even. after i hit. the complete rock bottom this is just.

scratching the surface of the stuff that. i've had to go through. that [ __ ] me up later in life and i. was able to somehow turn it all around. yeah and uh and uh you know. [ __ ] losers are great at finding. excuses on why they're a [ __ ] loser. rather than putting the time in. to figure out how to not be a loser. and uh. so anyways i just wanted to uh bring. that up but and uh and move forward now.

but. uh so. another thing that i kind of noticed uh. and i think me and you were very similar. in this aspect but uh going through a. story i kind of. picked some things out. you're labeled class clown. in middle school. and in high school. and. it kind of sounds like you didn't really. appreciate uh. that label. and. in order to prove something.

you joined the marine corps at. was it 17 years old 18 years old right. out of high school in the marine corps. yeah and uh. so is that is that why you joined the. marine corps uh that has a little bit to. do with it actually i mean it has a lot. to do with it but also grew up right. across from marine corps boot camp paris. island and we played little league. football over there and we would see. those recruits getting smoked by those. drill instructors and i was always like. drawn to that not to mention a watch. full metal jacket like three or four. hundred [ __ ] times and i was like i. gotta do this i gotta do it.

um. yeah so i got when i got class clown in. eighth grade i was like all right this. is great this is cool and so uh. i was always a very fun outgoing person. and that certainly carried on through. high school and i became the class clown. in high school. but. my father wasn't too happy with that now. he was like. you know this is this is what you do. with our family name what are you gonna. be a [ __ ] comedian and lo and behold. right. um but you know yeah to try to show my.

father i was you know i had i was. kind of a man and i could be i could be. a man if i needed to be i joined united. states marine corps yeah and i i had. something to prove to myself i had. something to prove to him certainly. um not that that he asked me to but i. felt this burning desire inside you know. is on my father's son to show him that. i'm worthy of carrying that title and. i'm gonna make him [ __ ] proud so yeah. how'd that feel when you finally did. [ __ ] amazing yeah was it very proud.

yeah i think he's always been proud of. me man that's just uh that's but that. was certainly a special moment. um my father's not one of those aware. his feelings on his sleeves. you know. yeah um but yeah he was certainly proud. well. that's awesome. you know um. would you say played you know. i mean it definitely played a role in. you joining but then again going through. your book. um. i saw kind of like the same kind of. thing.

maybe in the same wheelhouse happened. again. at your fire station. when you. uh. you wanted to do a comedy skit in front. of everybody. and uh your friend rob yeah basically. told you. you [ __ ] blow get the [ __ ] out of. here and you took that to heart and uh. i'll be damned you're. doing stand-up comedy with [ __ ]. people like kevin hart yeah and uh and.

uh so anyways i just uh i have that. drive too and uh sometimes people's uh. perception of me is what. drives me when somebody says i can't do. something. and uh it seems like. you're the exact same way. tell me i can't do something [ __ ] you. watch this. yeah i don't care how long it takes hold. my beer [ __ ] i will [ __ ] get. it done it's getting done yeah. um and you do get it done which is. [ __ ] awesome there's no other way yep.

uh it's a great feeling. that's [ __ ] phenomenal to prove. people wrong like that. but um. so. i don't want to go. too much into your career as a marine. because. um. [Music]. your firefighting career is is. is what. really shines and and and stands out. when it comes to uh all the different. services you've uh served in and um.

so leaving the marine corps you walked. right into. being a firefighter correct yeah man i. got out of so i did four years of marine. corps infantry and then i got out in. 2000 and. i was always intrigued by police as well. i wanted to i wanted to be a police. officer but i also wanted to be a. fireman. and i went back to my hometown when i. got out of the marine corps and. went and talked with my buddy who was on. the job there and he walked me into the. chief's office and the chief remembered.

me from hanging around my nickname was. scrotum. back in the day so uh when i walked in. my friend said you remember travis he's. like yeah scrotum come on in so it's. like oh [ __ ] man. firehouse is ball busting ass place i. have no idea i never pulled my balls out. i don't know why they called me scrotum. that's just the name that stuck. so i was i was known to scrotum uh so he. pretty much you know we had a. conversation and he told me. that uh you know he had an opening and. he'd like to send me to the fire academy. and everything so that's what happened i. went to eight week fire academy and i.

was on the job i was doing it. can you kind of uh. i am not familiar you know uh. with the life of a firefighter so. can you kind of walk us through i. wouldn't say like a typical day but um. you know. what's it like when you're. you know with the boys. um and i know you guys are super [ __ ]. tight it's a brotherhood. and uh. at least while you're in and we'll talk.

about that later yeah but um. you know can you kind of go through the. feeling of. when you get that call. and you're at the firehouse. and. and you know it's it's something [ __ ]. real it's it's going to be dangerous. you're going to see some some horrific. stuff. and uh when does that. when does that adrenaline kind of start. kicking in and what's the feeling and. and and. kind of walk us through.

what that's like. all right so when you your typical. morning when you come in at seven eight. o'clock you just never know what the you. know you're working for a 24-hour shift. you never know what the day is going to. bring you. um as a young guy of course you want all. the action we all sign up to do these. jobs because we want the adrenaline. rushes but over over a long lengthy. career. those adrenaline what we call them. adrenaline dumps it's the rush of. getting that hit of adrenaline and then. the call turns out to be nothing and. then it goes back down you know and you. just you ride the highs and lows through.

a career and that's what that kills a. lot of people over the years man heart. disease and gives them heart attacks i. mean it will [ __ ] you up it rewires your. entire [ __ ] brain having that many. adrenaline dumps it it yes it's [ __ ]. crazy i i paint i do i talk about a. scenario one call or one day on the job. where. we have multiple calls throughout the. day but all of a sudden i remember one. night in in my bed and uh we're asleep. and you get rocked you get up you jump. on the rig you're going to a hot call. that you think is hot.

and dispatch calls says you're not. needed so you're like [ __ ] you turn. around you go back to the firehouse you. back the truck in your heart rate's. [ __ ] 190 000 beats a minute you get. back in your bed you're trying to go to. sleep you can't go to sleep and then you. go off you finally drift off to sleep. and bam you get hit again. and you're back in the truck and you're. hauling ass and it turns out to be. another. alarm or a call that you're not needed. on so you come back to the house now. it's two o'clock in the morning. you get back in the bed after about. another hour you finally doze off to. sleep bam you get hit again this is a. real real call that we went on this is.

an exact scenario that's in my book. it was two something in the morning. christmas eve and uh we're going to a a. a fatal vehicle wreck we didn't know it. was fatal at the time. we pulled up on scene a truck had went. off the road flew through a telephone. pole it was upside down. um there's a guy sitting next to the. bumper just sitting there talking to. himself there's beer cans everywhere and. the the song every rose has its thorn is. on by poison and i will never forget. that because every time i hear that song.

i can instantly smell this call and the. reason i say smell it. is i smell the the grass that they hit. and through it flung mud everywhere and. then i smell. the alcohol and the man's breath that i. had to crawl up underneath some live hot. power lines to pull him out from. underneath they were about two two feet. off the ground. and my my lieutenant's yelling at me to. get back and i just went i had tunnel. vision i just saw. a man that needed my help and i went to. get him. um and he had agonal breathing all of.

his teeth are busted out he has massive. facial trauma and my face is really. close to his because i'm having to do a. low profile drag to pull him out. and i can smell the beer emanating from. his breath so just from hearing that. song it takes me right back to that. um and then he expired right there. pissed his pants and died. um so it's. it's stuff like that and then when you. get done with that call as a firefighter. fireman we don't talk about this stuff. yeah. we don't we bury it we go back to the. house and you just [ __ ] deal with it.

now we gotta go get we gotta go make. breakfast now now that's a typical day. or you can show up and nothing happen. and you're waiting all day and you're. anticipating and it's where's it at. where's that where's the call where's. the call and nothing ever happens i mean. is it a good feeling. when nothing happens no when when. something's happening. is it a good feeling man so i've never. done i've never done drug i smoked. marijuana twice in my whole life um. but i would have to from what i've heard.

about crack cocaine i would think it's. that kind of high it's an immediate rush. man and you just can't get there fast. enough and what you have to be careful. of it's the tunnel vision like i said. because that's what gets people hurt now. you got to keep an open mind frame yeah. or mindset. and but your world gets very narrow real. quick because you're seeing this. emergency call the whole way the. approach to it when you get there. and afterwards all that goes away that. euphoric feeling that that high that you. experience goes away do you crave it yes.

yeah absolutely. you know i'm trying to uh put myself in. your guys's shoes and and uh like. i wasn't planning on talking about. tunnel vision but. you know it does [ __ ] kill people and. uh and uh i never really thought about. tunnel vision and uh in ems or fire. service capacity but you know even being. in a [ __ ] gunfight you know if you. have to be able to. come off of your gun and look around see. what the [ __ ] is going on around you.

um. and a lot of guys um. [Music]. especially that aren't in soft they get. that tunnel vision and it's. they're focused in on one on one threat. that's shooting at them and they don't. see the 50 other threats. you know that are in buildings and and. uh and uh so i'm i'm. so i can totally relate i know it can be. hard to you know come off the immediate. tasks and and get a better understanding.

and some situational awareness of what. everything. what else is going on in the big picture. the fog of world emergency seems the. exact same you know it's like you said. everybody's focusing on the burning. building in front of them but what. they're not looking at is the [ __ ]. power lines that the pole is also. burning and now that high power line's. about to fall and and land in a puddle. of water because we all have water and. whoever's standing in is about to get. lit the [ __ ] up. i mean it's stuff like that it's the. cars passing by on the street. looking at the fire and that you're not.

watching the cars and the [ __ ] dumb. ass driving the car is. rubbernecking and runs over a fireman. don't think that [ __ ] doesn't happen it. happens all the time now you know and. it's [ __ ] like that so yeah you have to. be able to see the whole picture. what's it like in the truck on the way. to the call um. i tried to put myself in those shoes and. uh that. uh. for me. was almost maybe even uh more because.

it's the anticipation of you uh. uh. getting ready to do whatever you're. gonna do and i uh. i feel like it might be kind of similar. to. like us when we're in a helicopter and. we're on the way to a [ __ ] target um. you know and then you get that five. minutes out you get that one minute out. 30 seconds out and every time hack it's. just like. [ __ ] like. it's [ __ ] going down in 30 seconds.

and then you're on the ground. and uh and. and. sometimes things kind of i don't want to. say slow down but. you don't have [ __ ] time to be. nervous anymore you now it's it's it's. it's all performance. and uh. in the in the preparation the mental. preparation that you're giving yourself. in the helo on the way to the target. what are you guys doing in the fire. truck you get in the fire truck uh when. do you find out what the [ __ ] you're.

responding to so that's that's the. million dollar question right so what. we're going off of we're going off of. information relayed from someone who's. on scene with no emergency training. relaying that to a dispatcher who has. emergency training who in turn tries to. paint a picture to us we've been on tons. of calls. and it's never like you think it is it's. it's it's usually more [ __ ] up than. you can imagine so. it's eerily quiet on the way to calls. you hear the. we're not all high-fiving and dancing in.

the back of the thing we're all getting. into like our assignment mode depending. on what position i'm riding in the rig. if i'm a roof guy if i'm a vent guy. you're listening to. to that call trying to what we call a. scene size up. normally the incident commander whoever. that is the first arriving unit tries to. do a scene size up and paint you a. beautiful picture of what's going on. because now that is boots on the ground. for us that is the trained personnel the. professional who's been there done it. and now they can paint you a picasso of.

what the [ __ ] you're coming into. and usually you're right. you're literally right behind them and. right on top of them so you only have. like a few seconds to process that. information so if i hear you know we. have a fully involved structure fired. vented through the roof i know okay i'm. a vent guy on a ladder truck where the. guys that go on the roof and cut the. holes that's out the window right now. we don't need to do that put the saws up. but if you hear. um. 25 involvement we got we got people. trapped now you're thinking okay instead.

of vent mode i might have to go into re. you know search and rescue mode because. that's what we guys on the trucks do i'm. a truck guy what we call a truckee and. we talked about that last night yeah. engine company guys they carry the hose. right and they go in and put put put the. water put the fire out with water. the truck guys we do search and rescue. and ventilation operations where we try. to expel all the toxic fumes and the. superheated gases from a structure and. we try to get that out to take a little. pressure off the guys with the with the. um hose company that goes in to put the.

fire out so there can be multiple. different assignments you're going into. and it's just very chaotic when you're. getting there so everybody's usually. quiet and then when we get there we just. figure it out and we go and it's game. time. wow so you're doing as much uh you know. mission planning as you can on the way. there with the information that you're. providing yeah yep and you said usually. it's more [ __ ] up. yeah because you're going off of. you know information that's related to. you by untrained professionals and they. don't know really what to look for right. and.

be in the civilians you know and then. when you get there it's there's usually. a hundred other [ __ ] things going on. [ __ ] then that that they're not saying. i'm talking on a really really good hot. call not every single call. um they just don't do a great job at. painting the picture for us when it. comes to dispatch or all we know is hey. we got it we got a fire um that. that's all we know right now but when. you get there you find out there's more. to it and it's a it's a [ __ ] fire and. on on the back side there's a pool. you know and that's a threat to firemen. because you can [ __ ] drown and that's.

part of that tunnel vision that i'm. talking about you're running around the. back of a house not paying attention. your ass is in the bottom of a [ __ ]. pool carrying all this gear man you know. um. well um. what's the first. major fire. that you responded to. been to a lot of them i don't this. not. june 18 2007. pick any other one but you. know preferably like the first like.

major fire i want to know like. you know i got it what was the call. did you think it was serious. and. what was it like when you were. in the [ __ ] truck. and. you finally see the smoke of where. you're getting ready to respond to. does that yeah so the front of the uh. yeah certainly the uh the first one. was a two-story house it was an older.

house probably built in the 1800s. sometime around there um we caught the. call and as soon as we left the station. uh we got maybe a mile down the road you. could see the smoke and it was just big. black smoke this isn't white smoke like. somebody burning yard debris this is. everything in the [ __ ] world is on. fire kind of smoke yeah and it's pushing. it's got velocity behind it which means. you've got a big raging fire that's. pumping that thing. um when we pull up. it was eating ass off of the back of. this house i mean half the half of the. bat the back half of the house was was. fully involved and so we start flaking.

hose out and we run up to the front door. and this is i'm brand new this is going. to be my first interior attack and i hit. my knees i'm going to put my mask on and. i'm reaching out for the door just to. kind of push it open to get it ahead of. us and literally as i'm reaching out for. the door the rest of the house the. flames just instantly moved forward and. just fl what we call flashed when. everything reaches its combustible limit. at one time and it just. completely out the front door out the. windows and right over our heads and. we're under this old timing porch and we.

have the hose line we're like oh [ __ ]. now so now we have to back up there's no. going into this house yeah like the. whole thing's on fire now right so we. back up this is the first department i. worked for my hometown department which. is a small department we were severely. we were very small we only had three. stations so he didn't have a lot of. manpower when stuff like this happened. and i just remember that was my first. experience. getting up. on top of a fire you're like that close. to a big big fire and the amount of heat.

that it puts off it's overwhelming i. mean that backed us out of there so fast. and then we were doing what we call a. defensive attack and we started pulling. bigger hose lines and we had to fight it. from the outside we didn't get to get. inside on that one yeah scale one to ten. you pull up to something like that. what you're journaling at 12 12 if not. higher yeah yeah he's thumping man it. gets [ __ ] serious real fast real fast. yeah. yeah the problem is i think as a young. guy you don't really understand the. element of danger that's there yeah you.

don't take it seriously. when you do some you get you get pretty. close to this thing you you hang out in. places you shouldn't be hanging out in. like i'm saying when that fire's getting. out of that whole house and and licking. the the top of the porch this two-story. porch that's over the top of you that. amount of fire fire doubles in size. every i i forgive me i know some people. are going to correct me but every every. like 90 seconds or something like that. fire doubles in size. um and i'm not looking for statistics. here i'm just saying. so we probably hung out under that porch.

playing fireman a little too long like. oh yeah you [ __ ] you know you're. getting after it like this is what we do. until say hey this shit's getting. serious we need to back up but at any. time that porch could fall on top of you. and kill you now but when you're a young. man you're just getting after it doesn't. seem real. it seems uh. again it seems look very similar you. know yeah. you want to [ __ ] work that's what you. train you know even in you know in the. teams at the agency you know if you're. in. a [ __ ] gunfight. uh.

it sounds weird but there's nowhere else. you would rather be. right right there in a [ __ ] gun fight. and uh and. going through your book and uh and and. and. listening to your content and talking to. other guys it seems like. that's uh. the exact same thing with firefighters. uh is is someone like me in a gunfight. it's. firefighters [ __ ] fighting fire like.

it's dangerous as [ __ ]. you wouldn't want to be anywhere else. with anyone else. and uh you know you're with your [ __ ]. brothers who eventually become your. family. and uh it's time to get some yep it's. time to get some the sum is different. but it's time to get some yeah yeah. that's all it is. but uh but you said so is that just the. the younger guys that are newer or does. that kind of wear off um it wears off as. you get older and certainly as.

you start to experience a lot of the. things that i started to experience. later in my career because you realize. just how real it is and how [ __ ]. deadly it is and how it can just. change everybody's life not just you. it's the people's houses it's burning it. affects everybody the community. it [ __ ] people up man you know and it's. it's it's fun because that's what you. get paid to do and like you said you. don't want to be anywhere else because. that is your job that's what you sign. the [ __ ] up to do.

but as we get older and mature and you. go through like i say the things we went. through. you're still there to do the job but you. just don't wish it anymore well we would. sit around wishing and hoping for fires. yeah after my [ __ ] friends all my. friends were killed i never wished for. another fire again yeah it was like if. it happens. we go and we do our job yeah but i'm not. coming to work all motivated man i hope. we [ __ ] catch one today yeah i hope. we [ __ ] don't because. i don't want to be. looking at my dead friends burnt bodies.

and looking at their. faces burnt off of their [ __ ] skulls. i don't want to do that again yeah. but if i have to i will. i get another question um. so in combat um. if somebody's killed in the in the line. of duty. uh there's a. instantaneous feeling of you want to get. [ __ ] revenge. and you want to go after the people that.

[ __ ] killed uh your brother. or your friend your [ __ ] teammate. and uh you know. a lot of times it doesn't happen. immediately and you have to wait but um. and it might be an a completely. it might be a completely different. [ __ ] organization you know. but you get that uh sometimes you get. that feeling of like yeah [ __ ] you you. got. you got mine and now i'm gonna [ __ ]. get yours.

but you guys don't uh i mean. when you lose somebody. where does that. where does that uh. rage go. there's no get back that's what i'm. getting at there is no get back and it's. unless somebody. intentionally set a fire that killed. your guys then it's like all right let's. go let's hunt this [ __ ] but then. realistically we're not in war yeah. we're gonna be held accountable for our. actions if we go.

grab this [ __ ] and kill him and. anybody he [ __ ] loves of course we. would have that mindset and but. unfortunately there's consequences to. those actions i guess what i'm getting. at is is. where's the energy go you know it goes. into a bottle. yeah and you drink it down. and it goes into. this this place inside of you that you. try to bury it. there's no satisfaction it's just all. um. why why why why constant wise.

and it's the stacking effect of trauma. all this other trauma that you. experienced. stacks up and now you take that and you. put that on top of the pile too yeah. there's nothing you can do with it. because it just keeps stacking up yeah. and it [ __ ] you up over time. yeah i mean i just uh. yeah i was just you know. it. it never leaves you know uh me i mean it. never leaves but you do sometimes get. that sense of like um.

i don't know what the [ __ ] you call it. but. um it's definitely not closure but um. you know. you. it's always with you. but you get that. i don't know retribution maybe is the. [ __ ] word that i'm looking for but i. mean you just. you guys are never gonna feel that i i. can't imagine you would ever. there would ever be a scenario where. you're like [ __ ] it you know what like. you can't it's a [ __ ] it's a thing it's.

a fire you can never make it right and. um. i mean that's uh that's that's. that's [ __ ] tough to deal with and. and uh. but i just wanted to hear you know from. somebody that's been there well we try. to find you try to find outlets you know. like anybody how to how do you manage. all of this stuff and you know guys work. out and we find hobbies and all of that. but over time as you know. someone who's experienced this stuff it. ultimately eats all of that away yeah i. i tell people ptsd will kill you and.

everything you [ __ ] love. now not instantly it's a slow death. but it'll it'll eventually consume you. and everybody you everybody too. yeah. well you can't get rid of it nope but uh. you can learn to live with it and uh and. and. still be an effective and and. contributing member of society. so how long how long were you a. firefighter the first go around first. time i was a firefighter i was it was.

three years. three years yep. three years and you decided. you wanted to change a pace. it kind of just happened um i didn't. really decide it. i had a great great career going i was. having a lot of fun. doing what i love to do i by this time i. had switched fire departments i went. from the small town i grew up into. charleston south carolina which isn't a. metropolitan area like new york or. chicago but charleston is a very old. city and there was a lot of fires back. then so we're getting more action than.

than you could have hoped for as a young. fireman. i was living the life i wanted. and uh one day i was at the gym. and a cop walks in and he starts. bragging about being a police officer. and i was always a little curious anyway. because you know. they say um. cops and firefighters all have one thing. in common they both want to be firemen. i've heard that you heard that and i uh. i was the opposite i was always really. curious about being a police officer too. i couldn't do both because of the.

schedule so. somehow this guy talked to me into doing. ride-along with him and there are people. that do both yeah there are there are. some that they they're able to figure it. out holy [ __ ] but there's not many of. them um. usually one or the other. because the schedules are so stringent. and they they overlap too much so i uh. at the gym i was working at part time. this this cop starts bragging about. being a cop and how much fun they have. and he was in the city of north. charleston which is obviously just north. of us and it was a it was a very violent.

city back then it was fifth. most violent city in the nation per. capita. and the things he would tell me was like. man there's no way he said come do a. ride along with me. and i did a ride-along and it was over. yeah. it. it's no different than if the seals took. you for a ride alone. or they're like hey or go go sit on the. ship in the galley and you want to do. that you want to do this yeah. and it was another level of um of. emergency services just a side i never. got to see. you know and.

i had to do it i had to i've always been. a guy if something interests me i have. to try it i cannot live with the fact. that i didn't try something i wanted to. do. you do just going back you do realize. 99.9 of the [ __ ] population would. rather sit on their ass in the galley. and [ __ ] get fat. okay. i know that now and i am with that 99. because of what i know about law. enforcement there's a reason why i'm. like yeah i'd rather do that all right i. support the [ __ ] out of cops yeah.

they no way in hell i'd ever do it again. yeah. so yeah i gave it a go. sorry to interrupt you but um but yeah. so. you. you talk about uh. kind of your career as law enforcement. and um. [Music]. you brought to light something else. where. um you had. you were on the ground.

you were getting your face beaten. then you went to a domestic call. and then. you went to. uh there was like a [ __ ] dog. disturbance or something. which was nothing and you were trying to. and you did a very good job paint the. picture of. i'm fighting for my life in the middle. of the [ __ ] street somebody's beating. your face and trying to kill you. to a domestic violence call. to.

a little old lady or whoever the hell it. was that just was complaining about a. dog yeah and you know you had two one. you just about lost your [ __ ] life. in the middle of the street. and and and. how long was it until. you have to listen to somebody [ __ ]. about a [ __ ] noise complaint. minutes. minutes yeah before they call and. complain to a supervisor. wow. so uh. that's that's that's that's.

that's [ __ ] impossible to uh. switch that off it's physically [ __ ]. impossible you imagine going from like. two gun fights to having to go play. patty cake with a [ __ ] the. mindset you're in no when it's time for. patty cake. no i can't. that's what it's like yeah this is like. being a cop you literally in a fight for. your life i got a guy on top of me. beating me senseless trying to take my. weapon he had it halfway out had it not. been for another police officer i died. right there in that parking lot that. night and he told us he was going he was. going to blow my brains out with my.

weapon. yeah because he was going back to prison. all because i found cocaine on him i. didn't know this man i didn't know who. he was i didn't know what he was capable. of doing he sucker punched me. uh. my knees got weak when that happens i. mean i'm human and i fall down and. before i could get up he's on top of me. ground and pound and he's striking me in. the face and i'm guarding my face and. next thing i know is i feel my whole. left side or excuse me my right side. where i carry my weapon being pulled up. and what i'm trying to do is. block his blows with one hand so i can.

stay conscious stay in the fight. and keep him from ripping my weapon off. of my body with the other hand and uh. in good fortune that night um. my old training officer was literally. right around the corner and he saved me. and he beat the [ __ ] out of that guy. got him off of me and we were able to uh. get him under arrest and. within five ten minutes i'm gonna i'm on. another call go into a disturbance call. or a domestic dispute call and then when. you get there. guys clearly beat a woman he needs to go.

to jail you start locking him up now. you're fighting the [ __ ] wife because. now you're locking her husband up she's. the one that called. now you're fighting her you don't have. the handcuffs on him. now he's fighting you. and you're in the fight for your life. again like you now you don't want to go. back to where you were i don't want to. be on my back i'm fighting two people i. don't want anybody on top of me striking. me. you finally get them both subdued. because your backup arrives again in the. neck of time. and uh. they go to jail and then a few minutes. later you're at a barking dog call.

there's no time for decompression it's. called call to call. and uh. pardon me if my. [ __ ] tone is a little off when i'm. talking to you about your barking dog. yeah but i almost just got killed twice. yeah and i'm not in the mood for this. [ __ ]. sorry i didn't put my kid gloves on yeah. and then. before you know it you're in a. supervisor's office dancing on the. carpet trying to explain your actions. because your tone was inappropriate yeah. why are you calling me for this [ __ ].

barking dog you know me yeah. and when they start talking about defund. the police initially i thought it was a. bad thing but you know what. defund them and let other people come. civilians take those barking dog calls. because you don't need to be sending. people that are damn you're getting. their faces beat in sending them to that. call yeah that's insane. i'm with him on that um. you know it's it's just. in today's society it's just so [ __ ]. easy. for people to to.

judge and tell you how to do your. [ __ ] job. and uh you know. sit behind a [ __ ] desk and and and. and. you know cause a [ __ ]. scene when they've never they've never. taken one step in those shoes. i like that saying um people sleep. peacefully at night because men stand. ready to do violence on their behalf. yeah and it's it's an awesome saying. because. there are people out there who are doing. violence who are in harm's way.

constantly so people can live these. comfortable judgmental lives yeah. they've never even seen a bloody [ __ ]. nose and they're telling you how. somebody should be doing something [ __ ]. off yeah. it's uh. it's a [ __ ] disgrace. but um. back to defunding the police i i was 100. against it too and. and um. [Music]. then i thought about it and i actually.

had kind of the same the same. opinion that you had they shouldn't be. responding to a [ __ ] barking dog. or a noise complaint. or you know and and. unfortunately well not unfortunately. there always has to be [ __ ]. compromise and if if half the population. is [ __ ] pissed. you know about something and the other. half isn't i mean i think. there is definitely a way to [ __ ]. compromise and that would be the perfect. thing because i don't think.

cops should be doing that. anyways and oh you want the [ __ ]. police to fund it here we go you know. no more speeding tickets. you know they have [ __ ] cameras that. can do that [ __ ] we can put a [ __ ]. camera at a red light and then you know. what that alleviates problem i don't. know how much but i'm gonna say what. maybe. 75 of interactions between police and uh. you know the community's citizens. but. then you put a camera at a red light and. you put a [ __ ] speed trap out and.

then everybody [ __ ] [ __ ]. because. it's. you know what i mean because oh that's a. [ __ ] hidden camera that's illegal you. can't do that and it's like well what. the [ __ ] do you want you know. here we are we just that's a defund. right now we don't have to have guys on. the street writing [ __ ] speeding. tickets i'd rather just speed everywhere. and get my picture taken and mail the. check in. but. you know. it's it's. people are gonna [ __ ] whine and moan.

no matter what. you know is is done but. it's never enough and this is that. coddled ass society that we live in. we have too much. yeah and it's just never enough and. people just want to complain until they. take it all from us and strip it from us. and then they want to go back to the way. it used to be yeah so. well. hopefully it's not coming to that. but um yeah. but. so. [Music]. it's impossible to flip that switch and.

go from. i was getting i was getting ready to be. murdered in the middle of the [ __ ]. street to now. can you please uh can you please uh you. know put your puppy away yeah put your. puppy away you're disturbing the. neighbor put that [ __ ] door around. but uh. but you actually. uh ran into. what year was that this was 2003 to 2005. correct yes police officer.

and um. and there were a lot of politics going. on back then and uh you actually got. fired i did from the police department. best thing ever happened to me i realize. that now as an old wiser man. not old older. um yeah i got you know i've never. experienced a political machine before. because the fire department wasn't like. that when i was on the job i've heard. stories now it's a little bit more. political but. um when i was there it was just so much. fun to be there but man when i. transitioned from fire department where. we just [ __ ] off every single day.

played pranks on each other then you go. to the police department and you're. doing your job and you're getting in. trouble for it. and you get investigated for it and you. get cleared for it. and you still have to explain things. it it's like no other world i can i can. explain only police officers will. understand what the [ __ ] i'm talking. about right now where you wake up every. day. and you're worried about all right am i. getting fired today because of something. i said yesterday. something i did yesterday when i know i.

did the right thing. it's a matter of. how you're portrayed um. we we were very aggressive back then and. not overly aggressive like we weren't. violating rights and all that's just not. what i'm talking about we were proactive. police officers so we went out looking. for the bad guy. and where i worked back then there was a. lot of bad guys running around and the. problem is when you interact with bad. guys they're not [ __ ] nice to you. they're not polite to you they try to. kill you case in point the last. conversation okay.

you get in fights with men with guns you. know what that's like a lot of people. don't understand what that's like to. have physically be in a fight with a man. that has a gun and if he gets to that. gun he's going to kill you with it you. know so yeah sometimes you throw him. down a little [ __ ] harder than. society would have liked you to his head. bounced off the [ __ ] concrete my bad. i can't apologize for that man is going. to [ __ ] shoot me. um. i had to explain myself all the time man. i get i chased a guy down. one uh one afternoon he was in a stolen.

car he had a stolen handgun he had a lot. of crack cocaine on him we got into a. fight in a parking lot his handgun falls. on the onto the concrete and i had a. decision to make he was reaching for it. i could have shot him i would have been. justified all day. um but i didn't i holstered up and went. went toe to toe with the man and ended. up getting police officer of the month. for this right and the reason i tell you. this is. because just. a couple of months later same exact. scenario happens and i'm getting [ __ ]. reprimanded for it. nothing changed it's just.

optics right yeah what it looked like so. uh. i ended up what i got fired for was just. something completely it was just. complete [ __ ] i get pulled up into. the um. deputy chief's office with my captain. and the deputy chief. and they asked if everything was okay. and i said yes and they said well you're. getting into a lot of stuff out here we. just needed to check and we want. to bring the noise level down with you a. little bit so just answer your calls. from here on out and as. 20 25 26 year old police officer.

them telling you to just answer your. calls and not go be proactive it's kind. of a slap in the face that had to be. demoralizing it'd be like they taken you. off of an operational unit and putting. you behind a desk that's about. how it would feel. so i walk out of there with the mindset. of like yeah whatever [ __ ] y'all and. then literally 20 minutes i'm in i'm in. a goddamn fight in an alley with a guy. who just tried to bail out of a car on. me. and uh. they another officer found drug evidence. in a car and before i knew it. i was getting fired for.

asking this officer supposedly to lie. for me about where we found the drug. evidence in the car and that's another. long story but it never happened and i. was able to prove that eight years later. and have that overturned it's not like i. was charged for anything but i got fired. because i was just making too much noise. and i didn't listen to the higher ups. when they told me. they slow down. so they did they had they had reason to. get rid of me. what are the [ __ ] repercussions of. you. uh fighting real crime why is that a.

[ __ ] bad thing for a police. department is the and i hear this [ __ ]. all the time is the brass at a police. department just a bunch of [ __ ]. [ __ ] or what is the [ __ ] issue. long and short yeah what happens is. the brass comes up doing exactly the. same things these junior officers did. and now they're in positions of power. not saying they're abusing that power. but they're in positions now that where. their jobs are secure and they don't. want to lose their pension of their. career so now they have to. pretty much tell other officers when. they know you're doing a great job to.

stop doing a [ __ ] great job and it. sucks because the city honestly. i know i talk about this in my book. where i know teams that would. get into too much trouble so what they. would do is they just go sit at the. waffle house for 10 hours their entire. [ __ ] shift and they would only go. take their calls. and in the meantime there's crime going. on everywhere. and these officers are not in these. communities they're like [ __ ] that we're. not losing our jobs y'all want us to be. quiet we'll be quiet and that's the. result and you see it happening right. now all these crime waves that are going. on in cities cops are like [ __ ] it we're. not being proactive because we're going.

to lose our jobs we're going to get. murdered in the process anyway. there's no point in it. and that's the political side of the. police department that i hated it's we. did a great job what what it boils down. to is your supervisors are doing so much. paperwork on you. and they have to do inter-departmentals. they have to justify everything you're. doing on every call and that gets old. too so i can't blame them. in a sense. i mean you have to document document. document document it gets it gets. tiresome and it gets old so where does.

the [ __ ] pressure come from though is. it the mayor maybe are they trying to. like scrub the crime stats the mayor the. citizens city council that's where it. all comes from man. everybody wants to keep their little. position in power until instead of. looking at people and saying you know. what. shut the [ __ ] up these guys are doing a. great job man they're out here. protecting your [ __ ] ass man. and sorry if they're not doing it. politely yeah you spit in a cop's face. and he grabs you by the [ __ ] neck and. throws you down well good for you you. know you should be [ __ ] thrown down. shouldn't be able to do that to the.

police yeah you know what that's we've. gotten so far away. from i think it all goes back to the. home. there's no [ __ ] parenting going on. these homes and there's no respect for. authority. and all those kids have grown up now and. they just be expect to be able to go. piss right in authority's face and then. when the authority turns around and. slaps them for it it's a big [ __ ]. deal like i don't understand that yeah. it's it's uh. there are. no more immediate consequences there's. still consequences you know we're seeing.

it right now in the [ __ ] streets. the consequences that are coming from. that aren't you know it'll take a minute. and. then. the pendulum is going to swing back the. other way and it's a [ __ ]. accountability issue too and and you. know i hear. uh you know. like yourself a lot of people are like. it's how these [ __ ] kids were raised. these [ __ ] millennials and blah blah. blah well who the [ __ ] raised them. you know what i mean is it the one. that's sitting there [ __ ] bitching.

about them. because. that's your [ __ ] you know you take. accountability for that you [ __ ]. piece of [ __ ]. and uh and nobody takes accountability. anymore it's always passed on. you know to the to the to the you know. [ __ ] rolls downhill. and uh. there's no more accountability and the. [ __ ] consequences aren't immediate. and uh and it's created. we're all about pay for that what we're. looking at right now. but uh [ __ ] about that all day too yeah.

but uh yeah it's pissing me off so much. i'm getting [ __ ] goosebumps on the. back of my head i see it but. see your trigger finger moving over. there yeah calm down yep yep. but um well on that note um. let's take a quick commercial break when. we come back um. we're going to talk about. june 18th. 2007. um. you know. the sofa superstore incident that uh you.

know. was the second. second most tragic event and biggest. loss of uh. firefighters. uh only second to nine eleven structural. firefighters yeah yeah some wildland. firefighters it's a bigger number but oh. yeah. but um we're gonna visit that when we. come back. sometimes these episodes can be pretty. long and they will always keep you on. the edge of your seat.

rather than sit here and watch it alone. why don't you head over to. vigilanceelite.com. buy yourself some company and get some. vigilance elite gummy bears. [Applause]. not bad. all right man we're back from the break.

and uh. getting ready to go into. what happened on june 18 2007. so the uh. sofa superstore fire which claimed the. lives of nine firefighters. and um. is. one of the most tragic. events in american firefighter history. if i'm if i'm not mistaken. you're right and you were a part of that. and you responded to that and um.

you mentioned that. um. this. changed your life forever and. out of all the. traumatic events that. you've witnessed and been a part of. this is kind of what. this is the straw that broke the camel's. back. and kind of sent you into. the downward spiral of ptsd. and then also uh i watched a.

i did a lot of research on this too and. uh it seemed. to be a very. uh controversial incident and a lot of. lessons learned. happened from it and uh and uh. and and it seems that the. the men you know like yourself that. that survived it are are. considered legends. uh in the community but. i wanted to. before we get going on that i kind of.

want to put everybody in the mindset of. how how horrific this was so. i want to roll the tape. [Music]. so i played that to get everybody in the. mindset i wanted to know how [ __ ]. serious this is. and.

that was your best friend on the phone. and uh. telling his wife that he loved her and. uh. like um i really just want to set the. tone on how [ __ ] serious and tragic. this was. the day started for you at a memorial. golf tournament and. i'd like to start from. from right there. yeah um.

yeah the last words that you heard was. my friend my best friend louis mulkey in. his last dying words as he was burning. to death. stuff to hear. giant teeth um 2007 started out as a. normal day for us we uh. we certainly weren't expecting any of. that we uh. we actually all got together i was off. duty that day and um.

we were having a golf tournament for. another friend of ours who's a. firefighter who was killed four months. to the day prior. in a car accident. and that was another really good friend. of mine who got me who got me the job in. charleston actually really. yeah. he was one of one of my other best. friends i mean it's. it is uh so. paying homage to him trying to. raise some money for his family at a. golf tournament and we're doing what. firemen do and just like you know what. uh what seals do when you all get.

together and cops do when they get. together we get we get drunk and. we have a good time and that's uh that's. what a golf tournament was about but by. the end of the day. you heard the tapes that's what we were. all thrown into and uh. at the end of the golf tournament we um. everybody's phones kind of started. ringing and uh we were all told the. superstore is on fire and we all knew. that that was a horrible place to have a. fire we often referred to that as a. death trap if. if that's one of the. calls we ever had to go on because we as.

firefighters you pre-planned buildings. that means you find buildings in your. area and it could possibly be a threat. or um get be very bad so you had to like. kind of strategically plan how how you. would face this monster in the event. that would happen how many buildings. were like that in that city tons of them. tons of them yeah i mean they're. everywhere it's just old old furniture. stores actually an old grocery store. that was converted into a uh a one-story. furniture warehouse i mean so it was a. huge like a. 100 something thousand square feet don't.

quote me on a square footage but it was. a big show room and it had a big storage. storage facility behind it and that's. where the fire started. so we found out that that build was on. fire we um. we all got in our cars and just went. what were you thinking on the way. there i'd heard that my friend louis was. missing. you heard that before you even arrived.

yeah. when you heard that. it was the. sofa superstore did that did you know it. was going to be [ __ ] bad since since. the. that was already pinging on everybody's. radar well it's like i told you earlier. it doesn't uh never seems real until. it's real yeah and uh. just seemed like another fire but when i. heard he was missing. had extra adrenaline kicked in and i. drove faster i broke through a police. barricade with my vehicle i mean i. didn't drive through it like smoking.

abandoned or anything we just went. around and the cop was like what the. [ __ ] and like [ __ ] you. i kept going. and when we got there the building had. just collapsed so i got there right when. everybody had been pulled out. and my girlfriend was driving my car at. the time my firehouse was right up the. street i told her i said go to my. my locker and my firehouse grab my [ __ ]. and get it back to me i gotta find out. what's going on and so this time you got. hundreds of firemen on scene man i mean. hundreds there's probably 300 something. plus people on this scene. that night.

there's just a sea of red lights. everywhere and uh ran up to my buddy. david griffin who was pumping uh he was. the engineer on engine 11. and i ran up to him and i said david. what do we have and he turned around he. said louis is missing. and uh. he said travis we got a lot more guys in. there too we don't know how many you. know yeah. i mean because now the building is down. and there's just fire every [ __ ]. where everywhere you look it's just fire. blowing. and then uh.

in charleston fire department we didn't. back out of fires. we were very cowboy-ish and we were very. prideful of the way that we did things. and we were very very aggressive and. this is hundreds of years of. tradition. and it finally caught us. like embed us and it cost us nine guys. and uh. i remember hearing reports of like 19 or. 20 initially is what they thought. but by the time the smoke settled it was. nine. and it was nine really good dudes and.

all those dudes i knew. very personally. i worked with every single one of them. we uh we sat around that table breaking. bread many a nights. having jokes having laughs you knew. their families. and uh. lewis was uh just happened to be my best. friend because you know he i wasn't his. best friend he was one of those really. cool dudes that had a lot of best. friends but he was my best friend. and. he when i started with charleston fire. he took me under his wing and showed me.

the ropes. and uh. i had a very special connection with him. and i didn't know by the end of the. night. i still didn't know what lie ahead i. didn't know that i'd be the one next to. his burnt corpse. sitting there looking at him. in a manner. i can try to describe but it's gonna be. hard. you did make entry yeah you know um. if i remember correctly you. did you make entry and you got pulled.

back. was that. was that right well we went around the. delta side of the building so when. you're looking at a building. the front is alpha and then you go. around clockwise so we got to the delta. side which is square building would be. the right side. and we go through this place man it was. um it was just twisted steel look. spaghetti spaghetti noodles and it was. still hot there was still a lot of fire. present and but we had guys missing we. didn't have time to not get in there. we really wanted to find these guys and. i guess some of us thought that we were.

going to. find them alive but that's just not the. case there was i think around 15 to 20. of us on the body recovery teams we were. all. broken apart and put into five man teams. and we all came in from different parts. of the building um. and uh. my five-man team we went in and it was. literally you couldn't move. two or three feet and you had to stop. and you had to figure out a way to get. through the voids that were there. um there'd be like a little hollow. opening here and we'd crawl through that. and.

the next two seconds you're standing on. what used to be the roof so you're. you're in it at this point and how many. guys are with you four other guys and. so just to paint a picture because you. got really descriptive in your book. about. the smoke you can't see your [ __ ]. hand in front of your face the heat. and. and. there was nothing uh and i could see how. it'll be easy. to get disoriented and and [ __ ] lost. and something like that.

and you couldn't even uh you couldn't. even bring a hose in with you to retrace. your steps to get the [ __ ] out. and um. i mean. the amount of courage that takes. i mean it doesn't uh. did it seem like it was even a. courageous thing did it probably didn't. even go through your [ __ ] house. we're going the only thing is is they. wanted volunteers and a lot of guys. didn't raise their hand no very very i. think because those guys knew.

they didn't want what was on that on the. inside of that building it's not that. they're less of a firefighter now i. think that they just. knew. i don't want to [ __ ] with that. and we're here to do whatever we got to. do but there was a select group of us. that did and uh. i certainly. you know often say the worst decision i. ever made was going inside of that. building that night but the best. decision i've ever made in my life was. going inside of that [ __ ] building. that night and carrying them carrying. them all home. um. and uh.

it didn't seem like anything courageous. it's just what needed to be done you. know our guys are down we got guys down. we got to do what we got to do let's. push forward and go get it so we didn't. we didn't have [ __ ] air packs on our. back because they were all used yeah so. we're choking on smoke and we have what. we call flash hoods the firefighters. have flash hoods and when you put your. face piece on you pull your flash hood. up and it protects the skin right here. protects your neck and your ears. so we're choking on smoke literally. gagging on black smoke um and you you. can't see there's you know when you're. crawling next to big flames fires and.

they have ladder. companies dumping water on top of us and. in a normal fire situation you would. never be operating inside of a fire. when you have tower units raining water. down because they're just so powerful it. could hurt you it could. you could injure a firefighter blow. debris on them they could push fire on. top of them and kill them. but we had no choice we had to go in we. had to do what needed to be done and. it seemed like it took a long time to. get to to them and once we started. finding them. you would hear a team shout out i got. somebody and and we would do the same.

and. um. i saw something silver and um. it didn't look like. anything we had seen up into this point. because everything was just black. and then i saw something. and i went over to investigate what it. was and it was by myself. and i crawled up there on my hands and.

knees. no. i started looking at this thing. and. i say in my book i was just turning my. head like a curious dog trying to figure. out what the [ __ ] is this. and i realized that uh it was an air. pack of one of our one of our guys. and it was uh we were. several silver scott air packs. and it busted open it didn't look like.

an air pack it was just like it was like. fillet open. and. once i realized what it was i had my. hands. i looked down and i realized my hands. were on the shoulders of one of our guys. and we were black gear. it just looked like a pile of black. [ __ ] like debris. and then i realized that i pushed i. pushed back. and i looked down and realized these. were his shoulders. that's his back because the pack is on. her back so this. his head should be right here. but there was no head.

there was nothing it was uh there was. there was just a couple of teeth there. was no helmet. there was no skull. it was just teeth. and um. i looked down at the opening there was. an opening and there's a spinal column. sticking out and notice when it got real. for me and i realized cause i'd been to. calls where we had burned up kids on. christmas. i've seen burned kids i've been to burnt. people many times but.

nothing hit like that one no. no. i realized. right then whoever's in here is dead. whatever count that they have on the. outside every one of them them's [ __ ]. dead. and i knew lewis was in there and uh we. just. we had no way to tell who was who. that's one thing when you got a dead. body there that you can recognize but. when you know it's one of yours and you. don't know who the [ __ ] it is.

so what we had to do is um. we were tasked with not moving the. bodies and just trying to identify them. the best way that we could. uh without. doing too much and what the coroner was. going to do after all the smoke cleared. has come in. and gps them. and locate where their bodies were. so that's what we did so. this this one individual. [Music]. um captain billy was a.

really good dude he'd been in fire. service 30-something years he was off. engine 19 and um. we ended up pulling his fire pants down. and his wallet was in his pants and we. he opened it up and we saw his his. driver's license with his credit cards. man and it was just like god damn it. it's one thing when you're working with. dead people and you have no relationship. you don't know them because it's not. real now you go to these things and it. sucks. it [ __ ] with you from time to time. but it's not personal.

this is personal yeah. there's no get back like we talked about. and you're just like. what the [ __ ] do i do so. but we got a job to do man and. we can't sit around too long so we got. to find more of our brothers and then we. go we we go not too far away and stumble. on another one because at this point. smoke's starting to lift a little bit. more. as the fire got knocked down and um. we found mark. and um.

he was uh. he was face down. rolled him over his hands were in front. of his face and it's almost like. like he saw the flashover that happened. in that building it's not a backdraft. that's movie [ __ ] i mean those things. happen but flashovers happen all the. time and fires and that's when. everything reaches its combustible limit. at the same exact time and everything. just that all the superheated gases in. the building go. and it's just a big ball of fire. and 99 of firemen that are caught in. these things die because it's so quick.

and it's so violent. it's almost like he felt it or saw it. and did like this and then turned and. fell. his hands were like this but. i didn't know it was mark mark was off. in my truck ladder five and i had a. [ __ ] great relationship with mark we. worked together um many times. and so we roll him. yeah i think your bodies are still hot. man you can still feel when you're. touching them like when i'm not wearing. gloves at this point and. i had them i would take them off from. time to time but every once in a while.

we'd roll a guy over and you'd have your. gloves off and you could feel that heat. in your hands from their gear how hot it. was and they were [ __ ] burnt so bad. and when i rolled mark over the best. description i can give you is we have a. plastic face piece right here that. covers our eyes and right here is. usually rubber and it's black. i don't know if you've ever seen an. ultrasound of a baby 3d that's what his. face looked like it was baked into his. mask. damn. and um.

he undid his coat. pulled his coat open and we had metal. name tags go back then and it had his. name right there. and that's how we identified mark and. we heard other teams. yelling out that they were finding guys. and. you know it sounds selfish and. everything but i was so worried about. louis. you know all of these guys were. important to me but this is this is my. dude yeah it's your best friend and i. don't want it to be real and i want to. hurry up and find everybody and i'm not. wishing that it was somebody else but. you can't help but in that moment be.

like please. don't be my friend. and uh. the next brother we found was brandon my. team. we go into this back storage room that's. like one of the only pieces of building. that was really left intact there was a. lot of smoke damage. not a lot of fire damage um. brandon was huddled down in a corner. and his body was just normal. we rolled him out of this corner and he. just had a cut over his eye. and uh what happened is brandon ran out.

of air but he got away from the fire but. he died from smoke. damn. and he just looked peaceful man and uh. his um. his wedding invitations were in the mail. we're still being delivered everywhere. around and. he died that night he was actually just. working for somebody else he did a buddy. shift for somebody else and it cost him. his life damn. so that brandon was i knew we had eight. at that point and and by this time it. had come through that we have nine. confirmed.

because this is hours into the night and. um. what's the uh what. was the fire completely out was it still. smoke at this point the smoke was smoke. was still there but it was nothing like. it was i mean it was we were in there. for hours. yeah um so. the whole [ __ ] building came down and. there was really nowhere for the smoke. to go except into the atmosphere. part of the showroom was still. still there but after the bulk of the. fire was knocked down because yeah i. think fire was in all these different.

little pockets where the collapses were. yeah and so once those were done man all. the smoke pretty much dissipated and. that's why i think it took us so long to. start finding guys is because there was. so much smoke i really think we probably. crawled over them a couple times. possibly i just didn't know it. so uh. now i know we have eight. and some guys are in there with brandon. and i love brandon too man and just like. a i want to spend some time with him do. whatever we need to do but i gotta find. louis. you know.

um that limousine company you talked. about that i owned i i drove for lewis's. wedding we had a lot of [ __ ] fun. together man and. he this is actually. the night after his anniversary he lived. one one year and one one day after his. anniversary. so i put my helmet on and i got a job to. do man and um i was actually in a part. of the building where you could stand up. and i started walking out and man i. probably made it 10 or 15 feet and. i walked through what. seemed to be a doorway i'm having to. relive this because it's.

i can describe it to you. and when i did. as soon as i cleared that doorway i. looked to my left and he was laying. right there. it's um. i knew it was him just by looking at his. skull you know. i didn't need confirmation i knew. because he had to he had a distinct face. and even when. when his skin is baked off of somebody's.

face you can still. recognize him and it's a sick thing to. say. but i've i've witnessed that. and louis was on his back man and his um. his left leg was underneath his right. his right leg was straight out and there. was a piece of big ass piece of steel. across it and. we ended up having to dig that out but. his arms were sticking up in the air and. his [ __ ] sleeves were burnt off his. fire coat. all the skin was burnt off of him and. just his arm bones were sticking up. his radius and on his hands were burnt. off and uh his head was his head was.

back and his eyeballs were burnt out a. [ __ ] skin was burned off of his face. and his mouth was wide open. and uh. i just got on my knees next to him. told him how much i loved him. the shitty thing about that is. just four years prior to that.

before i went to the police department. lewis and i were on a call with engine. six. and we went to a call where a man was. murdered and burned to death. and um. he was set on fire with gasoline. and lewis was on his knees on one side. of the man his name was rodney this guy. and i was on my knees next too next to. him or across from lewis but next to.

rodney. and remember us locking eyes during this. call. and just we both had this what the [ __ ]. moment we were thinking about like what. the [ __ ] is going on. why why does somebody do this as human. being. and just four years later i'd be on my. knees next to louis burnt even worse. condition than that man was. and um when we rolled that man over that. night his [ __ ] arm snapped off. because it was burnt so bad and so that. night when we're putting lewis into his.

body bag. and all of our other guys i. i wanted to be very careful because. i didn't want to hurt my friend. you're [ __ ] dead and i didn't want to. hurt him man. yeah. so uh. we get them all bagged up. and then we um. we get the american flags we drape them. and then my team's tasked with carrying.

every single one of them out. so that's what we did. we carried them out one by one. sorry man. just real this is real you know. cause this is the [ __ ] job. i signed up for him sorry i signed up.

for it didn't realize how real it would. get yeah. how long was the chain of events up. until this point. we're talking. all day and all night. uh. my shift started at eight o'clock the. next morning and i started from inside. of that building. yeah. i got there around 7 30 8 o'clock that.

night. pulled a full 12 hours inside of that. building we didn't come out we stayed in. there. as soon as we were able to get in we got. in and we stayed there all night. searching and digging. and cutting steel and moving heaven and. earth to get these guys out and then um. when we got them out. hey got a job due your shift is up and. we need y'all back in the firehouse yeah. and then uh. you got the atf and all these other fbi. everybody's coming in and investigating. this thing we need y'all on the rigs. y'all gotta go to work and that's the. problem. like you said in combat.

when you leave combat you leave it over. there yeah we gotta go and serve this. same community that we just dropped nine. of our own in. so we go to the firehouse we back the. rig in and now we're there and uh. we lost three guys out of my house. and their [ __ ] cell phones wouldn't. stop ringing. because everybody's trying to figure out. it's now made national news that nine. guys are dead but nobody knows except us. who they are. yeah and you hear these guys phones. ringing man and and we had to go back. there and shut them all off.

and you know it's their families just. freaking the [ __ ] out. we couldn't take it. and then you got [ __ ] reporters. showing up. like leeches within [ __ ] minutes. trying to shove a microphone in. somebody's face to find out hey how do. you feel how the [ __ ] you think i feel. yeah. you know i'm not trying to glorify this. [ __ ] this [ __ ] sucks. yeah but we got a job to do because. there's other fires to go to there's. wrecks people are [ __ ] killing. themselves goddamn babies are drowning. in pools. and we just gotta stack this on top of.

the other [ __ ] and [ __ ] keep. going. yeah. did they offer um. i mean i know this is early on but i. mean. was there any. do they offer any help at all. the department. man i can't. so our department did the best they. could with what we had at the time we'd. never. in the fire. service there have been other incidents. but. i like this magnitude i guess man so.

it was kind of like a free fall to. trying to figure out the best way to. help guys and they they came up with uh. with some counselors really quickly i. don't know the timeline on it. but they wanted guys hey man we got. these counselors for you all go talk to. and of course me being alpha male like i. am i'm like [ __ ] them i was like these. [ __ ] they've never. looked at their friends like we have. they've never [ __ ] held dead babies. in their [ __ ] arms they've read books. who the [ __ ] are they. to tell us how to feel and how to be.

yeah. and that was the problem. because looking back. that was the worst [ __ ] thing i could. have ever done. i hurt myself with that mentality and i. hurt other guys around me. because i would tell them to if you go. talk to anybody you're a [ __ ] [ __ ]. and that's one of the biggest regrets i. have because i talk about being a coward. and it's not easy to say that that's me. being a coward. that's me being too manly too macho and. having too much of a [ __ ] ego. to accept the help that is available to. us we had people licensed professionals.

who would listen to us maybe had i. listened to them i wouldn't [ __ ]. shoved a gun down my throat and pulled. the [ __ ] trigger. maybe if i listen to them i wouldn't. have burned my entire [ __ ] inner. circle down to the ground. you know but i wouldn't even give it a. chance because i was too much of the. culture that i had been exposed to my. entire life and that's what i speak on. now. i speak about how we're killing each. other with this sucking up mentality. because it's [ __ ] yeah i understand. it suck it up we have to deal with. certain things.

but there's nothing wrong with hey suck. it up while we're doing this we got a. job to do let's go get our guys and when. we come back if if it [ __ ] bothers. you let's talk about it because there's. nothing wrong. with me and you being completely human. and not being okay it's okay to not be. okay. and that's what i'm trying to instill. and when i speak at conferences and. everything it's okay. it doesn't make you less of a man [ __ ]. it makes you more of a man yeah. you know that's it's unfortunate because. uh that mentality is [ __ ] through you.

know it's uh. as far as i know it's in. just about every uh community that that. that uh continuously deals with these. type of events or. or. uh you know traumatic stuff and and but. it is you know it's starting to change. from you know. guys like yourself coming out and saying. like hey. this [ __ ] isn't right what we've been. doing for the last you know.

however many [ __ ] years forever. and uh it is starting to change i think. and and and. and across all the. services and and and military too. um you know. you're spearheading it in your community. and uh. that takes a lot of [ __ ] courage. this sucks man because. this is what it does to you and you have. to relive it. and it's hard and when these cameras.

shut off and when i go. get my [ __ ] car today and i take that. hour-long drive. to the airport. i'm alone and i've just relived this. thing and it is [ __ ] brutal. but you know what. it's worth me doing that if it reaches. one [ __ ] person. in our community or even outside. and it helps them become a better mother. father. husband wife child whatever if it helps. them realize that they need help and. they can go get the help they want then. [ __ ] it i'll relive it.

because that's what we do yeah we lift. people up we don't [ __ ] help bring. them down and i got caught in this. vicious cycle of bringing people down. because i was so [ __ ] up for so long. when my whole world crumbled down on top. of me right after that when everything. just started i mean everything just. started eating [ __ ] around me. i fell into the victim mindset and it. was the whole why me why me why me why. have i been exposed to all this why have. i experienced this i got scared to go to. [ __ ] sleep at night i was i would cry.

alone. away from my wife. i would be in another room crying. because i was afraid to go to [ __ ]. sleep because of what was coming for me. in the middle of the night i knew it. yeah and i would hide that. and i'm not ashamed of that anymore. we'll get into um we're going to get. into. you know some of the after effects and. how it. affected your life and your family life. and all your your your team and and.

everything changed your com your your. entire [ __ ] life uh forever. we'll get into that in a minute but um. a lot of controversy happened after that. fire um. and i'm not. i could not find why. can you just. what. if you were in charge would something. have happened would you have done. anything different no. no. i'm back our chief man and it's. just the way we were taught and here's.

the problem. was it the culture the culture. it wasn't the chief. he took good care of his department we. had a cowboy culture and back then it. was okay and it was accepted and it was. expected right. everybody monday morning and the fire. service people monday morning. quarterback this [ __ ] fire like you. wouldn't believe i never read the niosh. reports i don't care you know why. because i was [ __ ] there yeah. it doesn't matter what happened we lost. nine guys we learned from that i mean i. guess it does matter what happened.

because it's implemented change. throughout the entire fire service. but we were only doing what we were. taught to do and which is go get it be. aggressive now those guys. went in there there was somebody was. trapped inside of that building and it. wasn't necessarily those nine guys that. saved them it was another crew. but they went in there they knew. somebody was in there needed to come out. they were in there after the fire [ __ ]. just broke bad in an instant and there. was no [ __ ] escaping it you just. couldn't get away from it. um.

had i been in charge since since you. asked back then with the culture that we. were in and the mentality and the. training and how we did things i don't. see that i would have done. anything differently it was just an. entire set of circumstances that led to. that yeah. um. a lot of folks were like well y'all. didn't use enough water you didn't have. big enough hoses we had every [ __ ]. hose on every truck in that building. even the little hoses that we call. booster hoses and here people were. saying we didn't have big enough supply.

lines well that may have been true but. that's all changed since then we went. from two and a half inch supply lines to. five inch supply lines and. that. may be speaking over your head because. if you don't understand firefighting. terms but that means getting more water. to the engines that are pumping the. fires which in turn can get more water. so there's no lack of water supply. not trying to get scientific. but those things have changed but you. know as well as i do sean. shitty things have to happen. for better things to happen and that's. just something we have to accept.

things in the military happen. shitty things shitty things in law. enforcement happen. that's the only way things change yeah. it's it's kind of a necessary evil i. hate to say that. yeah. the only thing that you would go back if. you could and change would be. the culture. and. uh i mean. i understand that but that's [ __ ]. impossible to change and and our culture. was very similar.

you know. i mean. as much as i hate to say it. that's what you [ __ ] sign up to do. and just like we talked about earlier. you know that is uh that's that's what. you want to [ __ ] do. you want to. be in that you know and and um and uh. you you feel [ __ ] invincible i mean. how many [ __ ] fires had you gone to. prior to that. you know and you get that sense of. invincibility. and uh and. and you [ __ ] crave it um.

and. you especially i mean the culture. started for you at uh what 15 [ __ ]. years old you know you grew up in a. firehouse. you left it for. what four years four years came right. back left it for. three two years came right back and so. that's just [ __ ] who you are you know. it's it's no different than. you know people being raised but. you know but it's how you were [ __ ]. raised you grew up in it you know and of.

course if i could change it i would if i. could go back and say hey this is coming. and what can we do to prevent this i. would but what i what i know now. is i cannot. live in the past and and do the whys why. did this happen well you know what it. [ __ ] happened it's called ownership. and acceptance yeah on the fact that it. happened accept it and press the [ __ ]. forward and do the best that you can. with the life and the time that you have. left and that. is what changed my life it was that. perspective but it took a long time to. [ __ ] get there.

well. where i'm going with this is um you know. uh. guilt. and. you wouldn't have changed anything. and i'm willing to bet that um. your best friend louis wouldn't have. [ __ ] changed anything either. and. they died doing what they wanted to do.

and uh. and uh you know we were gonna do a video. on uh accepting loss and kind of moving. past it. and um you know in professions like this. a lot of times you know that's um i'm. not going to say that's how you want to. go out but. the guys i know. i don't think they would have [ __ ]. gone out any other way you don't go out. 90 years old somebody wiping your. [ __ ] ass and feeding you pudding. nope that's i get it so yeah.

i'm the same way and they're the same. way it's it's shitty if it happens. but go out like a [ __ ] warrior yeah. doing what you were put here to [ __ ]. do yeah. but um that's. why i was bringing that up. um. how long did it take you to uh be able. to talk about that. a long time many years.

to talk about it the way that i talk. about it now yeah i. lo long time [ __ ] decade. i've i tried i tried later on in life to. talk about it not shut down. every time just couldn't do it yeah. but i realized at some point that. my experiences may help other people too. and. by me speaking about it it may help me. as well. and that it did. and that's why i do know yeah. um.

you're changing the culture man. you are changing the [ __ ] culture. and uh. you're the only one i know that's. actually doing it that's actually out. putting yourself out there and i'll bet. you get a lot of [ __ ] hate i do and. i'll bet you also get a lot of praise. but um. moving forward just a little bit. you know when it comes to the culture. on page. 227 in your book uh.

excuse me i don't want to butcher his. name but captain john. mcginnigle yes. of latter five told me in the parking. lot. the very day that he retired. and left the job after nearly 40 years. captain john retired before. june 18th 2007 sofa superstore that. claimed the lives of nine of our bravest. and. this guy [ __ ] had it right you know.

and uh. his parting words to me before getting. into his car and leaving after his final. shift were. in quotes. travis be careful. we're going to lose a lot of men. the way we fight fire one day. we're not going to lose just one. we're going to lose multiple companies. end quote. and you say that uh those words still. resonate with you to this day i think.

about it all the time. was he talking about. the culture. he was yep he was talking about the way. we fight fire because there's one story. that he told me so captain john. versus telling me hey it was a nice. couple years working with you travis i. had a lot of fun with you that was his. parting words it was be careful. we're going to kill a bunch of men the. way that we do things he knew it yeah. and. he told me a story one time about an. abandoned house that they were in and he. goes he made fun of it he's like i don't. know how the [ __ ] house didn't fall. over and then he stopped me because i.

know i know i didn't [ __ ] fall over. there were goddamn 100 of us in there. whole [ __ ] holding it up and that's. how i come and didn't fall over but what. he was getting that there was no need to. be inside of this thing and it was. burning [ __ ] to elbows and end to end. top to bottom. and every guy was in there and that's. what it was like you gotta go get some i. talk about being on fires where we have. five houses burning at one time. back in the day. and everybody's in them like and there's. fire everywhere. and you didn't want to be the man. outside and that's a saying an old.

saying in the charleston fire department. don't get caught outside now that's the. culture. because you were you were considered a. [ __ ] or somebody trying to get out of. the harm's way. then as a young man 25 26 years old you. don't want to be that guy. you want to show everybody i got what it. takes to be here yeah that's the culture. is that culture starting to change now i. think slowly yeah it's still there. though when did you see it start to turn. a little bit it was years after this.

fire took place with us and we had. multiple regime changes. uh come in. many of our older guys were either. retired or they were pushed out by the. new regimes that were coming in because. they understood. they did not favor the culture of our. fire department we were straight [ __ ]. cowboys there is no way to put that. other way to put it. and they knew the way that we did things. were wrong it was dangerous extremely. dangerous. you couldn't tell us that yeah and it. was button heads because when new chiefs.

were coming in. we butted heads with them because we. still wanted to do it the old school way. even though we just got bit in the ass. because that's the way we were trained. it's like you have a pit bull who's. trained to [ __ ] fight and then you. want to take him to the goddamn dog park. and get mad at him when he bites a head. off a [ __ ] other dog yeah you know. that's who we were at the time. man not saying he was right but that's. who we were. and now it's a much different fire. department these days it's still a great. fire department and it's. probably better i mean they're more um.

productive on scenes i mean they they. have their [ __ ] wired tight now and it's. done the right way. so. it's just i was just part of it at a. different time yeah in 2008 um. john carr. sounds like he took over the. the whole thing yeah. what was the morale like when he came in. not good because we didn't welcome. outsiders. yeah it was uh he wasn't received well. at first but he was a great man and he's. a great chief and he was actually after.

he got there he tried the best that he. could but he went downhill he got pretty. sick very quickly. he wasn't there that long. but we all. started slowly to accept him because he. was there to. implement change we knew that and it. wasn't like hey i'm going to come in and. punish you guys for being who you are. although it felt like that in a sense at. first because we just were not. um. used to a different command structure. command staff yeah you know.

so it was we had to learn how to adapt. to it. yeah. well i mean in a sense he's [ __ ] with. tradition that's exactly what it was and. so where we would on a. on a normal response you got one engine. one ladder or two engines one ladder. truck and a battalion chief on a fire. that could be three houses [ __ ]. burning. back then the culture was hey y'all. better be able to handle it and not make. me have to call another [ __ ] company. to come down here [ __ ] and you're. undermanned under staff and if it starts.

getting away from you it was looked down. upon if the [ __ ] winds could control. the fire you know what i mean yeah you. get ass ripping piss ripping fire like. that. and uh. the battalion chief has to call somebody. else. the higher ups didn't like that they're. like oh you boys couldn't put that. [ __ ] fire out. and then people would slowly start. getting transferred now that happens too. many times so you have to be aggressive. man if you want to keep your spot so. when carr came in he changed all of that. so then he i remember he changed it to.

you're i think it's like you're getting. maybe four ladders or enough four engine. companies two ladder companies a. battalion chief and now all of a sudden. at these fires we had more than enough. help and it's like damn it's kind of. [ __ ] easy now. we didn't like the change at first but. then slowly started kind of taking on so. hey man it's kind of reducing our. workload a little bit this is kind of. nice. damn. well that's i mean that's good how long. uh. how long was he in there before i. started implementing these changes was. it like [ __ ] immediately no not that.

i remember i think it was it was a slow. slow progression. um. but we had so much turmoil going on with. all the old guys like all of our old. captains like the john mcginnigles and. when this this uh when chief carr came. in everybody's like [ __ ] this i'm. leaving the department and all this all. this fear got injected into our. department on what they were going to do. what they weren't going to do so there. was so much turmoil going on within the. rank and file. you know he didn't really have to do. much we were all killing ourselves. slowly inside damn.

but you know he came in and i. you know so long ago i know he started. changing sop slowly but surely he he. changed the the what we would call the. initial response uh he changed that up. immediately like hey you guys are. undermanned too way too undermanned for. these calls we need to step it up and. start sending you some more units and he. would do stuff like that. they started doing training on the ldh. hose which is large diameter hose and i. remember that pissing off a lot of the. old school guys because it's five inch. hose that we would have to take out and.

put on our trucks for bigger water. supply. we didn't like that it was. honestly the smartest [ __ ] thing you. could possibly do but we didn't like it. because it's changed nobody likes change. yeah but i was only there for. two and a half years after that fire so. i didn't. unfortunately i didn't experience too. much change the guys now are the ones. that. experienced all the change the ones that. are left. are there still guys in very very few. very few we lost. i want to say roughly a hundred men.

within the first year or two [ __ ]. a huge turnover after that i mean you're. talking to. 20 30 year guys on the jobs just saying. [ __ ] it i'm leaving damn i mean yeah. mom. i. mean we're talking about courage that. takes that takes a lot of courage too uh. carr coming in there knowing. i mean because i mean. that culture is uh i mean that culture. is probably.

i'm guessing is in in. somewhat in every department across the. u.s for sure 100. so. he's coming in knowing i'm i'm about to. piss every [ __ ] off out here. they're all going to hate me. but i got to do it and then when you're. coming into a 100 plus year old fire. department yeah who's rich in tradition. and try to stir that up that just. doesn't go well this wasn't a young fire. department i mean this is a very very. old fire department yeah so yeah it was.

tough. well. i'm glad we talked about that and and uh. i think it definitely. paints a picture of how [ __ ] real uh. things can get uh when it comes to. being a firefighter. and uh. on that note. let's take another break and and. and we'll come back and. go down the downward spiral alright. sounds good all right man.

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all right we're back from the break. again and uh. the last section was uh pretty tough i. know. and um and so now we're kind of going. towards the downward spiral what you. call the downward spiral on your book. and uh. i wrote a part you're in a fire and uh. you've got a guy. a new guy with you that you'd refer to. as uh sweet onion yeah. and uh.

for me it kind of sounded like this is. where it started slipping uh the most. and um and your. your actual i wouldn't say your. performance but. you got a little more ballsy than maybe. you used to be it sounded like in that. section um and you even referred to. uh. the fact that you're running out of air. you kind of left the team you're off on. your own didn't you know what i mean and. uh and then you actually had the.

thoughts going through your head of. of. maybe. you'll die in the fire like like your. best friend louis did yeah. and. found a window opened the window and got. some [ __ ] hair. and uh and then and uh sweet onion sound. like he was kicking ass at that point. yeah and uh you got recalled three i. guess three horns as the is the signal. yeah it's because it's called evacuation. so they'll hit three horns to to make.

everybody back out of the building and. like i said back in charleston we didn't. do that. so it was. this was new territory for us for. backing out yeah. well there was another guy on scene. there uh who you refer to in your book. is captain silva. yeah yeah silver i changed his name to. protect his identity though yeah well uh. we got him on the line here. so. huh. we got him on the line here. so uh captain silva.

what. how's it going captain silva i'm sitting. here with uh travis house. and uh. he. was talking about a uh call or a fire. that you guys were in. and uh in his book. and there was a new guy. with him. and uh you guys got recalled out of the. building and i just kind of wanted to uh. see if you guys could go over that.

action zone objective. sure sure. at the fire i was off i came back over. the next day so specifically me and. travis being in the building at the same. time that you know that that didn't that. didn't occur that was somebody else but. um no he's not wrong i'm not part of. that thing. um the whole time is travis online with. you now he's right here this chief. what's up chief ricky.

travis i got this for you bro it's. waiting on you you got one. i got something for you you know what to. do with uh yeah and big old balls of. yours he's got the biggest balls in six. counties. we call him ricky ricky all balls no. shaft how the [ __ ] did y'all get his. number hey chief no i was talking about. that fire on daniel island where the. townhouses were ripping and they they. backed us out of it. yeah yeah yeah yeah the the yard where i. was raised in hell because he pulled us. out yeah that one. yeah yeah yeah okay cool yeah sean i had.

two fires mixed up so we're on the same. page now oh bro. right on i'm glad uh travis could. clarify he he's like i didn't go to that. when i'm like the [ __ ] you weren't. i changed his name and i changed your. name in the book to protect your. identity but the lid's blown off now. oh well [ __ ] happens. holy [ __ ]. don't worry sean i can't read. that guy's money neither can i. but uh we don't have to worry about that. well i just wanted to kind of go over we. know where travis was and what he was.

doing uh during that fire. uh when the uh when the siren rang out. for the recall to get out and we were. wondering where. what were you doing at that time. on that particular fire right there i. had that thing by by the nozzle so to. speak me and a guy named handy andy went. in there and we rooted it down real well. and then we um there was some extension. and uh. sean if i get the stuff you don't. understand just just pull me in and i'll. reel in a little bit but there was some.

extension and me and the other guys went. in there for an extension and also um. travis where were you were you in the. truck house in i can't remember no i was. like i was uh i was driving engine 16. that day and we got called over for that. thing. yeah we if you remember i i robbed that. thing from uh um bubbles. yeah. yeah i took that fire from bubbles to be. honest with you and me and i had handy. andy was my fireman at the time and me. and handy we went in and we we knocked. it down i mean we speeded up pretty good.

but there was some extension and i know. that as they were getting into the. extension they pulled us out sean and. naturally i wasn't real happy about that. at all it doesn't sound like anybody was. very happy about that call. nah nah we was uh um we were um making. good progress and all that and that's. that was um. travis that was before the main fire. wasn't it no it was after because. remember. they they blew those air horns to back. us out and we're all old now they blew. those air horns back us out and we.

weren't used to evacuating remember that. yeah that's right that's right we larry. had a lot of changes in sop sean and. then during that time that was that was. the acclimation time for us. so uh as we was going for that. transformation you know we couldn't be. quite as aggressive as we were back in. in our our old days our heyday so to. speak so um you're right um when when. the horns came off and we had to come. out there was a bunch of unhappy firemen. we were sitting in the backyard travis. if i remember david ishmael came back.

there and i think i started on poor wish. yeah you were letting everybody have it. i remember because i was one of the last. guys out of the building and uh. you you were on engine 6 and you [ __ ]. let me have it and i was like the [ __ ]. y'all you're like god damn it we had it. we had it by the balls trap what the. [ __ ] we don't do this [ __ ] we don't do. this [ __ ] i just remember you coming. unglued and i was like calm down old man. [ __ ]. yeah. i thank you i think you let me know the. next day on the way to work i don't know. there was something about on the way to. hurt young man i flipped your ass off i.

remember that part of it uh on the way. to work. the next shift um but anyway yeah chad. sean that was uh uh that was actually a. good fire unfortunately we got we got. pulled out man you have everything good. you doing all right yeah man this is. amazing man i love you man. when's the last time you guys uh. connected i saw him at a swingers party. about um. the fucker's wild right here.

yeah yeah sean there was two people. there me and travis. yeah. next time let me know back at your balls. were bruised not next time. let me know if you need a third. i'll send somebody over. i told katie when she left this up i. said do not get me and travis together. you don't know what you're getting into. but they went on with it anyway. well wow.

well when is the last time you guys. connected that's been a few months yeah. no i'm just yeah. taking it all in i don't think he. believed me uh that you were on the. phone here but i didn't i thought this. was some prank then i heard his voice i. was like oh god damn. well that guy's a legend man he's a. legend in the fire service charlotte's. awesome he's a [ __ ] man well. chief uh. silva ricky well his code name was silva. in the book okay. well hey i appreciate your time and i i. really appreciate uh you letting us give.

you a call i just wanted to reconnect. you guys here and and uh. and uh relive the good old days. but. but uh i think we'll wrap it up for now. you guys got anything you want to say. hey chief ricky i'll call you later all. right. good talking to you baby man you too. it's a pleasure be safe i love you chi. alright guys later bye. wow.

you guys god damn. i heard that guy's voice i thought you. were pranking i was like what the [ __ ]. he doing you thought i was [ __ ]. around. yeah i literally thought i had the wrong. guy there for a minute you're like. that's not him i was like oh [ __ ] well. because you were saying the wrong name. because it's a code name in the book and. i was like yeah whatever yeah and then i. heard his voice was like. my [ __ ] face hurts man yeah i needed. that after that last session holy [ __ ]. you might want to check your pants. yeah that guy's gold man he's a great.

he's a great human being he's a. fantastic fireman he was on the job 30. 30 something years and uh that fire i. was talking about was when he was a. captain but he later promoted to. battalion chief. and he was dying chief downtown and he. was just [ __ ] good as gold man god. damn well that's cool man thank you for. that yeah you're welcome i felt like i. was back in firehouse for a second yeah. good feeling isn't it it's amazing right. on man it's that chemistry you have with. certain people you know. that's the brotherhood that's it that's. it right there that's that's uh.

there it is. but um. i got to figure out i got to find out. how you all made that happen after the. show you want his number i'll give it to. you i gotta say i'm just [ __ ] with. it's [ __ ] crazy. but uh yeah i told you we'd do our. research. but um. so moving out um. you got in a fight things started. [ __ ]. things started getting weird before he. started going down the downward spiral. we know your mindset now in that fire.

you know we're kind of where you're at. mentally which uh is not a good spot to. be in and then um. what eventually ended your career in the. fire service um so. it was a culmination of a lot of things. building up to one one major incident so. you say. i got in a fight what i ended up going. hands-on with a lot of guys in the. department over over the course of two. and a half years and it's not something. i'm proud of i'm actually very. embarrassed about it. but it happened and it needs to be. talked about because the reason i talk.

about it is you can see a shift in. people's behavior like we're family and. when you see somebody acting differently. something is wrong and nobody ever. pulled me to the side to help me nobody. ever pulled me to a side this to the. side to try to figure out what was going. on what happened was this new behavior. that i was taking on was just becoming. normal. um. at the funeral for one of our guys i i. got into a physical altercation on the. bus we had it we had a bunch of buses. brought in because the funerals were so. big we couldn't take everybody's cars so.

they had to bring families on buses. and firemen mixed with families and i. was on a bus with some firemen and some. families some young children some old. people and um. something was said to another fireman. and he threw his hat at me and uh kind. of joking around but kind of not and. i just stood up and slapped him and. slapped him into the seat the empty seat. and uh. everybody witnessed it. yeah and this is somebody i supposedly. love you know and protect and i just did. that.

and that event everybody got up they. they left the bus and i was kind of. alone on the bus after that and then. after that was more of the same i i got. into physical altercations at the. training facility where i assaulted one. of our our guys that needed help. he fell down and he was having. flashbacks of the fire he was there that. night too and he was screaming all of. our dead guys names and i picked him up. and started slamming him into the wall. with all of his gear and i was like. knock it the [ __ ] off and. when i did one of the training. instructors came over and grabbed me and. turned me around and when he did i threw.

him into the wall and told him you put. your [ __ ] hands on me i'll kill you. and then we had an academy instructor. standing right there and i looked at him. and i threatened to throw him out of a. window. and that was accepted and then swept. under the rug and then again behind a. grocery store. training one day i slapped one of our. other guys right in the face because he. just came close to me and said something. and i just lashed out and hit him. and at this time i was drinking a lot. though you know i was i was drinking i. was coming to work drunk and everything. it wasn't acceptable it's it's. embarrassing man but nobody it wasn't.

just not an issue to anybody else and it. was just kind of. all this was on my plate for me to deal. with and to figure it out and this is. what happens with these cops and these. firemen out there they end up losing. their jobs or hurting somebody else. because of all the [ __ ] that they're. going through and bring it to work and. that's what i was doing. i had no outlet for it um. the straw that broke the camel's back. for me was um i came to work one day my. my my house engine 10 lighter five and. uh. we had a new guy in our in our house and. he put his coffee cup on uh on our dead.

guys monument. and it pissed me off i went over there. and i grabbed it and i shattered it on. the ground and i opened the door and. told him if he wants his cup it's in a. million pieces and if he does it again. i'll [ __ ] kill him and those are the. words that i use and that's how i truly. felt yeah. and when i said that one of my other. good friends. said why are you being such an [ __ ]. and when he did. i took that as him defending the new. guy's actions. and not defending our guy's honor. yeah. and i told him if he says another word. to me i'll kill him too in a minute.

and he said something to me. and um. at that time a bomb was lit inside of me. and the fuse was about that [ __ ]. short and when he said what he said it's. like somebody poured gasoline on that. fuse and then the bomb ignited and. i'd to this day i can't tell you what. happened man because i completely lost. it and i'm blacked out and i just. remember being outside with my captain. shaking me. and i'm crying and he just pretty much. told me that i'd assaulted my entire.

firehouse and. the cops were called and they were on. the way to arrest me. damn and my battalion chief showed up. and uh this at this time i was getting. mental health counseling but it wasn't. it wasn't enough and i didn't do it in. time how often. back then i i was just starting man so. once once a week maybe once every two. weeks but i would go there and i. wouldn't say [ __ ] you were skeptical you. didn't built the trust yet the trust. wasn't there i would just sit there and. just kind of look and not really open up. but my battalion chief and my captain.

knew nobody else knew i was still. putting down people that was getting. help. i was too ashamed to let anybody know i. was doing it um i was i had this tough. guy image that i had to put out there i. had a. i had to be a big strong tough guy i. couldn't show any kind of vulnerability. so my chief shows up before the cops and. he told me he says get to your counselor. they're coming here to lock you up that. was my last day on the job damn. you were just uh. portraying.

uh. who you thought everybody thought you. needed to be. yeah you're exactly right i was like a. closet. closet homosexual in the nfl. seriously seriously you hear about it. all the time. and they have to be big strong tough. guys and they just have this image. pretending to be something they're not. and they can't come out and and tell. people who they really are and that's. what i was man i was hurt i was injured. and i needed [ __ ] help. but i was too afraid to say it out of. judgment.

yeah because i was surrounded by those. kind of men just like me. yeah. my captain was on the body recovery team. with me. to this day 13 years later we hadn't. spoken a word about it nothing not one. [ __ ] word yeah. i mean it just goes to show you how. [ __ ] um. toxic uh. that culture that culture can be it's. the same [ __ ] you know with uh what i. used to do. um but. but. how long um you know what was your.

family life like during this time i mean. you sounds like you completely ruined. almost all the relationships uh within. your team. what was family life like so at that. point when i left i was still um. i wasn't married yet i just started. dating uh dating my wife at the time. we had been dating for some time and. then that was all fine at that point. because i was still a fireman doing the. job. i was drinking a lot more than i. normally did but i was still a very. outgoing guy i had some problems that i.

was just trying to figure out on my own. she was a safe place for me. and i shielded her from a lot of that. and unfortunately. somewhere along the line i dropped that. shield. and she got heavily exposed to it and it. and it. started affecting our family and. everybody around us and that was. years years later. but when i left fire department you know. i was already doing stand-up comedy on. the side for two years it was like a. part-time job for me.

and i just threw myself into comedy. the day that i left. i just threw myself into comedy and i. was on the road six years straight for. 40 weeks a year. and i was running from. running from. what made me sick the place that made me. sick charleston and everything that. happened there and and through my career. and comedy was like. that adage laughter is the best medicine. comedy was like. my crack cocaine it just made me feel. invincible and it made me feel amazing.

and i couldn't get enough of it it's the. only thing that made me feel alive. after everything inside of me had died. i'd always been a fun outgoing guy but. when the somewhere that that switch got. flipped. and the old me was dead and i was this. new version of travis and just a. soulless. human being. how long did it take uh for the new. version. [Music]. 13 years 13 [ __ ] years yeah.

damn man. i mean um you know just the fact that. you. out of all the [ __ ] that you have been. through and everything you've. experienced. to turn it around. and become a [ __ ] stand-up comedian. is uh i mean that's that's like a. miracle in itself. well it's like you man when you get. passionate about something i see what. you do enough. you throw yourself into it you give it. everything you got and that's how i am.

i stopped at nothing and i created some. opportunities for myself nothing was. handed to me i made things happen. because that's what we do and we don't. make excuses we just make [ __ ] happen. and i did get some some decent breaks. but it's because i put myself in these. positions for that to happen and so. comedy took off for me and it got. it turned into something amazing. and you know as well as i do with this. whole ptsd thing and the depression the. anxiety. first thing we want to do is. self-destruct now you don't feel like.

you deserve it. you don't feel like you deserve anything. so i pulled the plug on it in 2016. and i just [ __ ] walked away from it. you mentioned uh. some of the things that helped you and. you like very subtly mentioned i can't. remember if it was in a podcast or in. your book or. or where i found it but it resonated. with me because. one thing that i believe helped me uh.

kind of pull myself out is getting the. [ __ ] away from uh the community for a. minute yeah and. and it seemed like the farther that i. leave it. the better uh the better off i am. and then uh wasn't until. [ __ ] to be honest with it wasn't until i. started this [ __ ] show. uh. then i kind of started. reconnecting uh with some of the guys. and. and uh you know i mean i talked about.

going to marcus latrell's with rob and. and dave and how [ __ ] tense that was. and i hated that to be honest with you i. couldn't [ __ ] stand being there. uh at first and then you know and then. the tension kind of wore off but it um. anyways all i'm getting at is like. is the toxicity of being around. um. and and and. how it helped help helped me get better. and. and then to hear you say.

being on the road. doing comedy you were out of the. firehouse you weren't you weren't in. charleston you. you weren't in communication with. with the boys. and uh. and it accelerated your uh. your recovery. yeah um okay. well i mean do you think that helped a. lot getting out of there. man. i i always say. when you're in a place that makes you. sick you can't get better it's like a.

cancer patient testing cigarettes for. marlboro or whoever. you're only going to get sicker. i tried to stay i hung on tooth and nail. man but i realized when i realized i had. problems and something needed to change. when i finally because people ask me. what made you reach out for help. now you know and it was me sitting in my. living room dry firing a weapon in my. mouth when i'm choking on the on the. weapon. the barrel down my throat was slobber. and drool all over it my tears running. down my face and a bottle of whiskey. next to me and then i load it.

and then i go to pull the trigger and i. stop right where i thought it would go. off and uh luckily i stopped prior to it. going off and i knew right then i needed. help so i got the help. but it wasn't. in time but yes to answer your question. um. when i got away from the fire department. things started drastically changing for. me the the anxiety. the um i always had the nightmare [ __ ] i. still do. um.

but that that. rage inside of you. it calms. so getting away from there was a the. best thing that could have ever happened. to me i didn't want to leave like that i. wanted to stay on the job 30 years i. wanted to be i wanted to retire i wanted. to do the right thing for my guys ride. that rig for them um but it wasn't in. the cards for me. so i got away from there for a long time. and now i'm back and now i do a lot of. work with fire departments police. departments. but i'm better now and i'm. i'm with them at a different capacity.

now you know so i'm not. completely immersed in it all the time i. can step away from it yeah. when did you decide to put the bottle. down. that's the day after our wedding in uh. 2012. no [ __ ] yeah man i got so [ __ ]. up at our at our wedding that. my poor wife she um. she had to eat cold grits with the uh. with the cab driver that took us to our. hotel because her husband was passed out. upstairs oh [ __ ] yeah a great first.

night together. oh [ __ ]. not but i i had been thinking about it. for a while that was just for me that. was just the thing i woke up the next. morning i said man i i don't ever want. to touch this stuff again and. i haven't. cold turkey yeah done yeah i looked at. it and i i started looking at if i'm. ever going to get better. it's going to it's going to be a long. road aho. but i need to look at the things i can. control right now that are not helping. me and the biggest one that stuck out to. me was alcohol there was it it didn't.

add any positive thing in my life. nothing yeah everything that it offered. me was negative so i was like dude just. gotta go. yeah so i just i quit cold turkey right. then. that's uh. that's not easy to do no but it's. at first you know the hardest part about. it is now being the sober guy around all. the people that are drinking yeah and. you're sitting there when you when you. don't want to be there like you talk. about in your social anxiety posts. i get it because i don't want to [ __ ].

be here but i have to put on this smile. and that doesn't mean i'm not. contemplating [ __ ] everybody up in. this room you know. um. but it's just something i've had to. learn to to accept and and and deal with. and i'd rather have that than going back. home with that bottle and putting myself. in a position to not be here anymore. now well for. for everybody that's listening who is. from you know fire service or military. police. who's [ __ ] drowning themselves in a.

bottle right now and there's a lot of. them. i mean how fast. after you quit drinking. did. how fast did that acceleration start uh. to get you into a better mental state. and. and i'm sure your business [ __ ]. started taking off too at that point. well honestly i'd love to tell you it. was lightning fast but it wasn't it was. a culmination of things because i was so. [ __ ] up and the biggest hurdle i had. yet to face was ownership and acceptance. of everything yeah and i i.

always was asking why and it was i. became the victim of like this only. happens to me why me my life is in such. a horrible spot even though i wasn't. drinking i still had that mentality and. that's never who i was prior to all of. this. i was very positive upbeat guy. but this thing does something to you it. rewires your brain and you have to be. your own surgeon and go in and. [ __ ] reconfigure the wire it took. years. of me going in and trying to rewire. until i finally.

fixed it and it wasn't until um. last year. when i realized what it was it was. something as simple as. how. the word is perspective. something as simple as percep. perspective how do i want to view my. world do i want to look at it through. this. victim. feeling bad horrible or [ __ ] poor. poor me lens or do i want to look at it. from a standpoint of look you have this. beautiful life you have these horrible. experiences yes but you can do something.

with them for the greater good. and you can make a positive impact on. people with what you have experienced. and so i chose that. and the second i chose that. is it was like a light switch well how. the [ __ ] did that come to you. that's funny you asked that it came to. me sitting in my car with a gun in my. hand ready to blow my brains out for the. second time. so a quick comedy in 2016 i'd been on. the road for six years and. we had a we had a young daughter at home.

and my wife was pregnant with our second. one and by this time i was already doing. tours overseas for the troops i was. headlining major comedy clubs all over. the country i was getting on television. i was doing all these things that. i loved and i thought thought hey this. is my purpose now is being a comedian. and. this makes me better but in the same. token i felt guilty for having any any. level of success i don't pretend to be a. household name that's not what i'm. trying to say. but i had success in my own right and i. felt horrible for it. and then at the same token i now have a.

wife and kids at home. and i felt horrible. because i'm not there. and i tried to juggle the two and. balance the two and i just couldn't get. it right. so i quit i pulled the plug on comedy. and when i did i i started resenting. everybody for that i started presenting. my own family. like it was their fault that i chose to. do this you know but i felt it's what i. needed to do. and so for three years i carried that. and i i worked around home flipping. houses in real estate and i was doing.

doing well. but i was empty inside i was missing. something i was craving that stage and i. was too ashamed to to even try to go. back because i had bowed out. and i pretty much accepted a defeat and. this was my new life and i was trying to. force something that wasn't natural and. i was meant to be. on a comedy stage. so one day i got in my car i just. couldn't live this life anymore i was. miserable yet i have a family that loves. me. financially i'm stable.

i live in a [ __ ] wonderful place and. i wanted none of it. i just wanted to die. all i knew was. empty and. i just didn't want it anymore so i went. i drove out to the to the forest on a. rainy day. and i was sitting out there in my truck. and. something happened it made me smile. and uh. when it did i hadn't smiled in a long. time and i hadn't felt a sense of um. satisfaction or joy in a long time. and the second that happened.

i threw my gun in the glove box i said i. know what i need to do. i still have some joy left to me. and i realized it and i said i'm going. back to work i'm going back to get on. the comedy stage all these shitty things. happen in my life i can't [ __ ] change. it but i'm gonna make the [ __ ] best. of it and it starts right now. and when i did that. that's when i opened up more about. speaking and i started getting speaking. engagements on mental health. and i'd go up there and i'd cry like a. [ __ ] baby just like i did on this. show because it's very very very. difficult to talk about this stuff.

because you have to relive it if you. want it to be authentic you have to. relive it yeah. and i started doing that and i saw the. impact that that was making and i. started seeing the. responses i was getting from people was. so overwhelming in our communities like. man i'm going through the same thing and. hearing your message made me realize i. need to get help and it's touching other. first responders and military families. and it's i'm not saying that. i'm the cure-all that's by any means i'm. not that dude. but i'm just willing to be [ __ ]. vulnerable now and share my experiences.

in hopes that my mistakes won't be made. by others who are. quickly approaching where i was. well it's working i mean you [ __ ] put. yourself out there and. you know. you're reaching a [ __ ] ton of people so. you're gonna reach a [ __ ] ton more and. uh people are buying your book and and. uh i know that's helping a ton of people. and. so. you're doing [ __ ] great work man well.

you thank you man and said. this honestly means the world to me. doing what i do now where i thought my. purpose in life was comedy but that's. why i say our life is a bunch of. redirecting points in our life you think. you're where you need to be but you. never know where you need to be. the universe i'm not spiritual. i'm not i'm not a religious but i do. know the universe will stop you when. it's ready and point you in a different. direction and if you fight it that's. when your life is utterly [ __ ]. miserable because it's trying to tell. you you need to go this route this is.

the way you go until i stop you and turn. you somewhere else. and that's what happened with comedy. it introduced me to speaking and now i'm. speaking all over and. it is a [ __ ] wonderful feeling to be. able to do what i get to do and i. couldn't be more blessed. that's awesome. just going back just a little bit we. talked about the addiction to adrenaline. and um. we were kind of talking the other night. about i asked you i said how do you.

i was asking how do you get your fix now. of adrenaline i still have to [ __ ]. have it. and uh. and uh you know i get it in various ways. but comedy jumping up in front of people. on a stage. and doing comedy. you you had said. kind of filled that void and uh do you. still have that now or or. with comedy yeah um not as. it's not a big of a shot of adrenaline.

as it used to be but it's still there. because you are. 100 at other people's mercy. and it feels good it's like all right. let's get this thing going right and. it's it's the whole make me laugh. [ __ ] and it's like all right. let's go. and you never know what you're getting. comedy's wild man it can get pretty wild. out there and uh. with speaking not so much because when. you go to speak it's not people. obviously don't want you to suck. but it's a nice quiet calm crowd and you. don't have drunk people out there like. with this whole pruvit mentality so.

speaking the adrenaline's not there. comedy you still feel you still feel the. pp about to come out sometimes you know. what i mean. yeah. well i think. i've been thinking a lot about you know. uh because. i know you told me that you don't get. the same adrenaline rush as you uh. speaking as you do with the comedy or. definitely not fighting fires but. um. just kind of thinking on it. how many people how many.

people do you think you maybe have saved. as a. firefighter like pulling a baby out of a. fire pulling a woman out of man i don't. know how many people you think you've. saved you ever thought about that no. never thought about it because you. you think about ones you couldn't. yeah that's that's the truth. i've been involved in some stuff and um. that's that's helped some people. but those are. i don't know i mean i hope that those.

folks go on to become wonderful people. and do wonderful things in their lives. but it's it's ones that you can't get. back. to stick with you let me rephrase that. what is it like when you do save. somebody. and you know they would have [ __ ]. died if you had not responded. what's that feeling like it's amazing do. you get that [ __ ] feeling now. when you get an email. or somebody's somebody pulls you aside. after the show.

i mean because now you're helping. thousands and thousands and thousands of. [ __ ] people. and. so. you might not be getting your adrenaline. fix. but you're getting that you're getting. another fix i don't know what the hell. you would call it satisfaction yeah. yeah so that. is a very good way to to word that. i didn't realize when i first started. speaking the power. this thing had i i knew that. we had problems in our communities.

you know you hear it all the time. firefighters suicides police suicides. and military military has been addressed. for years and years and years maybe not. as much as it needs to. but it's no secret the military has ptsd. problems. over the last few years. law enforcement emergency services have. hit the forefront too where they were. kind of left in the cold for a little. while and people are starting to realize. hey. they might be. just as if not more severely [ __ ] up. than the military no because they live.

it for 30 [ __ ] years day in and day. out and they never get to leave it. so i knew what i had to say was. important. but i had no idea. at the magnitude of it and when i. started. it got addicting because. yeah people come out of the woodworks. and they want to share what they've. experienced and they want to share the. so many people are like hey man because. of your story. i realized i'm i'm messed up and i need. to get help to help my family too. and i've gotten we've talked about this.

about the emails that come through and. it's an overwhelming feeling of of. gratitude that. i can't explain yeah and it's i look at. my life and i feel like i'm exactly. where i'm supposed to be because of. everything that's happened and i feel. like. now all of that stuff may have happened. because maybe i am strong enough. to weather it all and. to package it up. own it and accept it and do something.

positive with it yeah and i'm just. taking the date of time it's pretty. [ __ ] fulfilling and that it's amazing. but uh. well. you're doing great now. and uh i don't want to keep going down. the dark road so i want to take a break. and uh. and when we come back we just got a. quick thing and then we're going to wrap. it up okay. this episode of the sean ryan show is. brought to you by. vigilance elite patreon. vigilance elite patreon is how you.

support the show. it also has an entire library of. tactical training and. behind the scenes footage of the sean. ryan show go to vigilanceelite.com click. the training tab it'll take you right to. vigilance lead training. on patreon. get a subscription support the show. thank you. let's get on with it. all right man so. once again we are back from the break. we're gonna wrap it up here pretty soon.

but um. you know since you are in. the business of uh. helping. fellow firefighters and police and mill. and and um. and everything like that i have a. personal friend uh. who works for boca raton fire rescue. and uh his name's mike's clark he's. getting ready to. he's uh putting in for retirement. getting ready to uh. you know open up the next chapter of his.

life. and uh i know he's you know seen a lot. of [ __ ] up [ __ ] too in fact uh. one thing that comes to my mind is i. remember. uh going out to breakfast with him. uh when i lived in florida we used to go. to breakfast together all the time and. he. responded to a call. on an overpass. and i can't remember the specifics of. who it was i think he was a i think he. might have been a. truck driver a tow truck driver.

but um. he [ __ ] fell off the damn. overpass. and uh you know [ __ ] died right there. and uh. an hour later he's sitting there eating. breakfast with me. and uh and his wife and i think katie. was there too. and i remember thinking while we were. eating breakfast i was like jesus christ. man like how is this dude [ __ ]. kind of keeping it together you know. playing playing husband and and you know.

i'm just looking at him like. how the [ __ ] are you pulling this [ __ ]. off you know that's some heavy [ __ ] um. so anyways uh he's getting ready to. retire. and. i uh called him and told him that you. were coming out here and. and uh. and uh who you are and i know he's been. researching in so. i think he's got a question for you and. i thought maybe. a transitioning firefighter coming out.

of the service opening up his new. chapter i mean who better to you know. ask than you so. hey mike you on here. yeah i'm here hey. thanks for having me it's an honor to be. uh speaking with the two of you today. well thanks for coming on man pleasure's. mine mike. but uh. so i have uh. travis here and uh we're getting ready. to wrap it up and. and uh so the floor is yours man.

hey first of all i'd like to say uh. travis you got a great interviewer there. sean's been around and. i don't think he'd bring anybody on that. he didn't have high respect for brother. so welcome. thank you. hey i just have to apologize i would. like to read your whole book i just got. it yesterday afternoon but i've only got. about 20 pages left. uh. that's amazing. i'm just. i'm blown away that an individual can.

actually open up like that because a lot. of us can't. and uh very impressed. very impressed. thank you man. you've had quite a journey it looks like. along the way. and uh some of us seem to be magnets for. stuff. and you seem to be one of those magnets. my uh. my hat's off to you. well thank you so much i really i. appreciate your support bro.

uh i do have a question for you sure um. since you've written your book and. you've uh started doing comedy it seems. like you really open up and expose these. issues. not just in the fire service police. service you know also in the military. and the day-to-day stress that gets to. people how often do you get a call from. somebody saying hey i need help and i. don't know where to start. uh i don't receive too many phone calls. but i get a ton of emails um in inboxes.

whether it be instagram or facebook. and it's now it's gotten to the point. where it's sometimes it's multiple times. a day and it's usually brothers and. sisters in uh. in the services and i've actually. experienced many of them um are from. actual family members of those uh. individuals. so it's uh. it's one of those things that um. you know i think when people hear it. they realize there's more of us out. there. and. we don't have to sit here and shoulder. all of this on our own so it happens.

pretty frequently wow that's uh that's. pretty impactful. i uh when i was reading your book i see. your friends with jeremy heard. yeah i know jeremy well. so here's what's funny i'm i'm a face. person i'm not a name person so when i. read his name in your book i'm like well. let me look him up and i knew his face. right away because he did something for. me and i've only met him once. so you talk about that light bulb that. comes on yes sir.

for years when somebody's at a critical. time whether it's your family somebody. else's family. sometimes it's just shown up and being. there for that person or that family. whatever they might need. for years i could describe it but i. didn't have a name for it. and a. friend of a co-worker. had passed away and he was there and he. and i had a great conversation and. everything and i explained to him what i. was feeling he goes oh that's called the.

ministry of presence. and. i said man thank you so much i have been. looking for a name for that for the last. 15 years. and uh very impactful. man that's uh. that's good stuff man that's. again i'm blown away. it uh but like you like you said. i see some people get it some people.

don't uh it's about relationships. i think that's what it all boils down to. that's exactly right and unfortunately. for so many of us we ruin those. relationships before we ever get to. really. build them and strengthen them to to the. you know the best ability that we can. and. unfortunately in my case i'm certainly. speaking for me i've ruined a lot of. those and i've spent a lot of time. repairing them now. yeah. i'll tell you i'm really happy that.

you've come out ahead. in recent years there have been a lot of. brothers and sisters that haven't. you know and they've they've fallen just. you know by their own hand and uh. it's tough it's tough for all of us in. the community to shoulder but uh. man i ca i can't tell you i'm gonna i'm. gonna turn more guys on to uh your book. and uh i'll really help try to get the. word out there. i don't think it's as common as a lot of. people think. that people understand there's more.

support out there for them. uh just phenomenal. well i appreciate that buddy yeah you. know it means the world and that's what. it's about it's about. leaning on one another helping one. another out whether that means putting. the right literature in front of guys uh. turning them on to someone who is. talking about it openly and vulnerably. to show them that hey you two. you know you hear this guy's story maybe. it's not mine maybe it's somebody else's. but. we got to be we we we preached the word. brotherhood and sean and i were talking.

about this it sounds a lot cooler than. what it really is sometimes because. sometimes it doesn't exist we want it to. but in order for that to exist we really. got to lift one another up and that's. where it starts starts with with lifting. each other up. yeah i think you hit the nail on the. head right there. um. i think in a lot of industries they. don't. it's hard most people just go to a job. every day they work that job for eight. hours they come home. they don't actually live.

with the people. i think when you when you live with a. crew or you have a job where you're. extended and you depend that much on. somebody whether it's your life or just. anything in the day-to-day where you're. instrumental in each other's lives like. that. yeah there's that there's that tight. bond that forms and uh it's it's no joke. it's no joke. yeah it gets you through. yeah it's an unexplainable bond that uh. if you haven't lived it you just don't. know. it's a beautiful thing.

yeah absolutely. and so you've also spoken at uh fdic. that's uh that's a huge room. well i haven't i haven't spoken at fdic. i i performed um comedy events there and. i have another one coming up in 2021 and. it's for the actual um firefighter. cancer support network. wow yeah. yeah another big issue facing a lot of. us these days. yeah it is and that's why it's uh.

you know cancer it's getting the best of. a lot of us and uh you know we don't we. just don't know um from the way that i. was brought up in the fire service we. did we did everything wrong and at some. point. it inevitably catches up with many of us. and that's why i i took a real hard look. at myself and said i'm going to make the. most of of the time that i have left. however much that may be. and i'll put my pride to the side and. start opening up about this stuff and. talking about it and hopefully it makes. a difference and. i'm i'm. so pleased to be a part of the. firefighter cancer support network for.

four years now doing shows for them to. help help our brothers and sisters. that's awesome man that's awesome thank. you for all you do really appreciate it. thank you. people say thank you for your service. we really need people like you in the. community it's uh not everybody can do. the job. hey you get people to come into the. military. they may be very short-lived they may. not even make it through boot camp i'm. sure you've seen those.

yeah. police and firefighting everybody's. different everybody's wired different it. takes a special person. yeah well it does man i appreciate your. service and like say when people thank. me for mine it honestly is the pleasure. of my life it really it really has been. so. and as you transition out man i wish you. nothing but the best in your transition. out and i hope you turn the page and. have a wonderful wonderful retirement. bro. thank you man i really appreciate it. hey again thank you guys for having me. today it's been amazing.

yeah mike what are you going back to. work. uh i go back tomorrow. all right man stay safe brother be safe. out there brian thank you so much guys. take care. thanks you too bye-bye. well you guys in this phone already. what's that you guys in this phone yeah. well man thanks for taking that call i. mean. my pleasure he's a good friend of mine. and uh i know he is really.

he's i think he's scared of uh you know. leaving the community yeah and what it's. gonna be like uh putting that behind him. and uh we've talked several times about. it and so i just thought. you're paving the way you know it's. scary because it's it doesn't have to be. the end you know yeah and for me it was. hard when i left i left it on not on my. own terms. and it was just the end but it doesn't. have to be you know you just turn the. our book i like to thank our our life is.

a book with multiple chapters it's not. just one chapter. and. being in the fire service being in the. seal teams being police officers that's. just one chapter no matter how thin or. thick it is at some point it's going to. end. yeah and you can't let that define who. you are as a human being. and that's what crushes people at the. end and that's what puts these folks in. in these positions where they feel like. they have nothing left because they let. that job define them and now they they.

have this emptiness inside but i'm. telling you i've had that same emptiness. and you just have to go and create. your own light yeah. well you're doing a hell of a job of. paving the way man i you really are and. um. on that note i want to kind of wrap this. thing up and um but i just you know i. just want to say um you know you're the. first mill guy or the first non-male guy. even though you are a male guy but we. didn't focus on that. and um.

and uh i wasn't 100. sure how this was gonna go and uh but. when i announced that you're coming on. the show uh just you know for. just so you know what. your own or saying about you. we got a. [ __ ] ton. of emails messages comments and uh. everybody. a ton of people know who you are. a lot of people are calling you a legend. uh in the fire community.

and uh it's just been a real honor to. you know pull your story out of you and. have you sit in that [ __ ] chair man. like. that's heavy words man and and thank you. but legend i don't know about that it's. not yeah i've i've walked amongst. legends. ricky williams is one that you [ __ ]. talk to i'm just trying to do what i. feel is right in my heart to help. you know. help guys and girls stay in the fight as. long as they can and and i can't thank. you enough for having me on your. platform for sharing this with me.

i know you said a lot of bad. [ __ ] have sat in this chair and. i told you that i'm not one of them yeah. i feel like. i feel like i'm staining this chair. so you might be i've seen the dudes. you've had on this show and. you know and it's an honor to sit here. it really is with you with your crew. with your wife your family so thank you. and thank you for having me yep you're. welcome and uh. you know taking a compliment is not a. [ __ ] easy task it's almost like a. joke right yeah if you can take a you.

can take a. if you can take a dick there you go you. can take a joke that's exactly right but. uh i did want to say a couple other. things and um. we. at vigilance lead have given. a ton uh to the veteran community. um. donations connections. uh all kinds of stuff we. we gave. to the law enforcement community. i actually i made a. piece of apparel and donated all the.

proceeds back to law enforcement. and uh i've been really want to do. something for the fire community as well. but um. you know unfortunately as time goes on i. have lost. faith in just about every. [ __ ] non-profit out there there's. only one that i actually vouch for. anymore. um. so what i'd like to do is uh i'm gonna. make a. a.

a fire service hat. the thin red line. which by the time this airs it will be. out so. the links up top. you can click the link buy the hat i'm. going to give you all the proceeds. from the hat so. i don't know how many we're going to. make yet. but i'm going to give you all the. proceeds. i don't know a good organization to. donate it to. but um.

i want to give you the proceeds and. you do with it what you think is. necessary. whether it's donating to a non-profit or. uh. buying as many of those. books that you wrote as you can and get. them at every [ __ ] fire station in. the country. whatever you think you need to do all i. ask is. just. tell us where it went and uh. and uh if there's have been any results.

so. i just you know i think you're a. stand-up [ __ ] dude i know it. takes balls to do what you're doing. paving the way like that and uh. i just wanna help so. we're gonna have that done. i don't even know what to say. because. like i told you before when we were just. chatting. nobody's ever done anything for me you. know like to to help do. what i do and i just told you downstairs.

everything i do is by myself. i will certainly put that to use to. do some good in these communities. and i can't thank you enough. from the bottom of my heart for real i i. have some ideas and we can talk about. that um. but wow that's that's tremendous man oh. thank you you're welcome i'm just going. to need some help designing it i don't. want to uh. i don't want to put anything on it that. shouldn't be on there but uh but yeah. the design will be catered uh 100.

towards. uh your community so. thank you that'll be [ __ ] awesome and. they'll certainly appreciate the [ __ ]. out of it man cool we'll make sure that. that it goes to the right places i know. you will. and uh with that being said. if somebody wanted to reach you on. social media your website. how do they get ahold of you is it do. they still call uh 9-1-1 or just yeah. you just call 9-1-1 after travis. [Laughter].

no it's uh i'm pretty simple man just. it's my name it's my website uh travis. howells h-o-w-z-e. dot com but i'm asking everybody because. when i quit comedy i deleted most of my. social media so i've been a pain in the. ass to rebuild it and i'm asking folks. to inundate instagram i i'm just. focusing on instagram so give me a. follow. at instagram at uh travis house. h-o-w-z-e i'd really appreciate the [ __ ]. out of it um because the more people. that i can get in my corner the more we. can spread this message and hopefully.

help some folks out you know that's what. it's all about yeah. and uh if they want to buy your buck. yeah so if they want to buy my book. create your own light it's um it's. available on amazon um amazon kind of. fluctuates on the price they'll drop it. on sale sometimes you just go click the. link and grab it it's getting a ton of. great reviews we have uh. i'm surprised at the amount of books. that that that have been sold and like i. said in the beginning i didn't expect. this. and it's doing tremendously well and i. just believe it's because it's such a.

specific message for our communities. that has not no one's no one's talked. about it and it's it's time. it's much much needed and long overdue. so you can go to amazon and grab that um. that's the best place. right now man well. keep paving the way and uh. doing good things and uh. best of luck too thank you brother i. appreciate it.

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