Mikal Vega - Navy SEAL / EOD / Call of Duty Director | SRS #017

hey guys it's a couple days before christmas  getting ready to head into the studio to wrap. up zero one seven this will be the last episode  of the year and a hell of a year it's been i just. wanna say thank you all for the support if you  don't mind hit that like button hit subscribe. leave us a comment merry christmas  to everybody i'm gonna go wrap this. up and hang out with my family for the  rest of the year love you guys bye-bye.

you're an eod guy explosive ordnance disposal a  navy seal an actor a director a writer a producer. a stunt man a video game director  and a master of self-awareness.

rumor has it and i want to know if  this is true rumor has it somebody. hit you in the face with a baseball  bat and you took the baseball bat and. resolved the issue is it is that true that is  not true that's not true it was a stop sign poll. we went into sadr city that was one of  our big ones i had guys on the zarkawi hit.

when you go into a place where a guy is chopping  off heads setting it on the neighbor's porch. and then threatening them that they're next  any day and they don't know when it's coming. when you go remove that cancer. it's like this dude like way that.

way the hell down there and i'm like he's like  peeking out from behind this car and i'm like. there's a dude right over there you need to  keep eyes on when he pops his heads up pop it. i was like that's exactly what the [ __  ] you're saying i was like what makes you. think that we can go down range for years and  take life for a bunch of people that obviously.

don't give a flying [ __ ] and i wouldn't  do 10 times more for those closest to me. ladies and gentlemen welcome back to the sean  ryan show over the past few weeks we've had a. tremendous amount of support show up on patreon  to support this show i want to say thank you guys. for the generosity and i hope you're enjoying  all the behind the scenes and exclusive content.

that we put over there on patreon for you guys  our best supporters also i want to say thank you. for everyone that left us in itunes review if you  haven't left us in itunes review please hit the. link down in the description head over there and  just leave us a one word review that really helps. us get to where we want to be with the show thank  you for that with that being said let's move on to. our next guest our next guest is a former eod  technician that's explosive ordnance disposal.

basically a bomb technician he's a former navy  seal he's an actor he's a director he's a writer. he's a producer among many other  things he is a master of self-awareness. if you want to donate or support to our next  guest you can go to vitalwarriors.org and. you'll find him there ladies and gentlemen  please welcome zero one seven mr mccall vega.

thanks to hon for being a proud sponsor of this  video gents i don't know about you but my body. doesn't work as efficiently as it did 5 10 15  years ago and that's why i want to talk to you. about home as we get older it can become harder to  lose weight and stay in shape testosterone levels. in men have decreased substantially over the years  for example our fathers had a 25 higher level of.

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everything gets delivered straight to your  front door although i'm not a medical expert. hohn health is and they will be with you every  step of the way order hones easy to use assessment. today and learn more about your testosterone  levels head down to the description get yourself. checked out or you can go to homehealth.com  ve for 45 you'll get the home assessment kit. and you'll get your medical doctor consultation  the good thing about hone is they're not just.

going to fix you up they're also going to check  in with you every 90 days to make sure your. body's working as efficiently as possible as  always hone offers 24 7 support so you're just. a click away from the answers that you need guys  this is 45 that seriously might change your life. mccall vega welcome to the show thanks for having  me man i have been looking forward to this one.

ever since capone's brought you up uh what  probably about six months ago yeah and uh. we connected and it's just been i've been really  looking forward to this one yeah i think i'm. gonna get a lot of i learned something every  interview that i do but i think that uh you've. got a lot of wisdom to share and uh i plan on  just being a sponge this entire interview so.

but just for the audience i i started trying to  research you and you're involved in so many damn. things that it's it's an it's impossible  to to kind of you know get it encompass. all of it uh in an in in in a decent amount of  time and and uh so usually have mapped out exactly. where i want to go and uh this one i don't  i have a general guideline but i am hoping.

that you hit a couple of specific topics and  and and that's where i'll interject and we'll. we'll go explore a little deeper into that  but just for everybody so you're an eod guy. explosive ordnance disposal a navy seal an  actor a director a writer a producer a stunt man.

a video game director and with what you're  doing with the non-profit and and the meditation. and all that stuff i i don't know what to call it  so i put it a master of self-awareness you run a. non-profit uh called the vital warrior you've  been involved in from what i can tell at least. 28 different major motion pictures or productions  uh two include swat mayans motorcycle club ncis la.

hawaii 5.0 g.i joe dallas transformers ninja  turtles and i believe this is the most popular. most successful video game franchise of  all time call of duty by activision so. it's kind of cool holy [ __ ] man  like especially when i look at where i. where it all started man it's like it's  it's been a hell of a ride man i'll say.

but uh i start off everybody gets a  present oh [ __ ] when they come on. so it's christmas time all right opening now go  ahead open it up holy moly what do we got here. gummy bears those are the best gummies you have  your own gummy bear line absolutely holy [ __ ] i.

didn't have breakfast so i'm going to this right  now we got a lot of them my daughter's gonna be. happy too i love gummy bears these don't have  like thc or anything they're not the good kind. but they are pretty damn good but yeah merry  christmas yeah i'll take one i'll take one. they gotta be soft.

they gotta be soft otherwise it's just. it's not the same thing not bad  right they're [ __ ] great bro. that's awesome man thank  you i'm glad you like them. i love gummy bears i use them when i'm working  out you use gum i've heard that there's like. a triathlete thing where they bro my my trainer  his name is austin he's like he's a genetic freak. but he's a really good friend of mine but he  swears by him too he's like use them right after.

working out it gives you the glycogen storage  right vacuum them really so i'm gonna have to. start doing that yeah i did not know that i pretty  much just eat them all the time but no well now. helping my body with these gummy  bears now i have a reason but um so. your name came up as you know we went out  to dinner the night before the interview and.

uh pretty much with all the guests i take them out  to dinner uh just kind of calm the nerves and get. to know you a little bit better and so your name  came up when marcus and amber capone came out. and they asked me if i'd known you mccall vega  and i said no i've never heard of that guy and. and uh and i hadn't and then they said that he  was they said well i thought you were at seal.

teammate and i said i wasn't still teammate  i said well i think he used to go by hooch. and i was my face just dropped i was like  like like hooch like dave fritsch and and. that's exactly what they did they started laughing  they said if you could describe hooch in one word. what would it be uh without hesitation i said  monster monster and um so they started laughing.

so you you kind of have that reputation  from the past if you didn't know that and um. so so when i showed up to teammate uh we're  impressed there wasn't a whole lot going on. most of the people were most of the the operators  were on leave you weren't and there was a couple.

of guys that i'd known that were that have  graduated here we go bud's in front of me and they. had said just you know like everybody seems pretty  cool but watch out for this [ __ ] guy hooch. i never do and i'm like who and like watch out  for this [ __ ] guy hooch and i'm like well what. am i looking for i'm like don't worry when you  see him you'll know it's hooch and i'm like oh. [ __ ] well all right whatever the hell that means  you know and i'm like what's the deal with this.

guy and they're like well rumor has it and i want  to know if this is true okay rumor has it somebody. hit you in the face with a baseball  bat and you took the baseball bat and. resolved the issue is it is that true that is  not true that's not true it was a stop sign poll. it was a stop sign it's like a piece  of pipe like that from a stop sign.

do you want to go into that at all it's  just a street fight man yeah a bunch of. you know bar stuff yeah bar  somebody wrote it's a bar fight. who took the [ __ ] stop sign i don't know the [  __ ] thing was laying there in the street or some. [ __ ] dude and this guy [ __ ] hits me with  this thing and i just [ __ ] i turned around.

you know holy [ __ ] [ __ ] so it is true  uh yeah it is a stop sign poll though. my bad baseball bat stop sign  poll you know virginia beach yeah. so redneck down there in  virginia beach yeah not anymore. but um so then fast forward we're doing a  water road course and that thing was fun yeah.

and and exhausting that too so that's a rough  forearm blast yeah and uh so we did a monster. mash you know the pt run around the base did  i think it was ocean swim the whole shebang. ended on the oakhorse and there was there  was one older guy in my platoon that was. he wasn't on leave he wasn't in schools turns out  he didn't he didn't deploy uh the first time not. a hit on him or anything but he was always up all  of our asses and and i'll tell you later okay and.

i don't want to die them out on the show but sure  sure but we had run the o course two times in this. and uh tried to do it a third time and i just  i thought yeah you know that thing where it's. like you got the rings oh you're swinging you know  you know i don't have that [ __ ] far of a breach. and i already did it two times no no no it's  not just rings it's the ascending rings yeah.

they go like they go up and you know if you  don't uh if you don't get it then you fall. in the pool and starting over one so i already did  it twice and i think we only had to do it once and. this guy was all up my ass he's like you [ __  ] get your ass over there and do it again and. and uh you know i was like i'm a new guy i'm  like yeah okay and it just wasn't happening and. i was like dude i'm not doing it again i knew  this guy had not deployed you know the first.

time and i i was like all right i'm a new guy  but this guy's basically a [ __ ] new guy too. and so i told you i just told him i said you  know [ __ ] off dude like i know you didn't. [ __ ] deploy i'm not gonna listen to you and  so he got all butt hurt we're back in the cages. you know where we keep all our [ __ ] for those  listening all we would have a basically a room. when your seal you have so much gear you need  a room which is basically a chain-link fence. and every operator at the team has a cage so  i'm in my cage working on my gear changing my.

clothes you know getting ready to start the the  work day and i hear this guy behind me and he's. like that's that's him and i'm like what the [  __ ] does this dude want now and i turn around. and there you are looking at me from outside my  cage and i'm like that's got to be [ __ ] hooch.

and then the cage door locked and you gave  me a little spiel you were nice about it. and then disappeared and i sat in my [ __  ] cage locked for the next couple hours. but uh yeah so that's how we met and  then well [ __ ] no handshake nothing. i couldn't get my arm through  the cage the holes are [ __ ]. and from that point on i just avoided you  everywhere you were i was like you know what i'm.

not [ __ ] going over there that guy's over there  and i i don't like being locked in my [ __ ] cage. so yeah but uh anyways kind of i don't remember  it head trauma is real yeah well there's a lot. i don't i still don't remember i'm probably not  the only new guy that you that [ __ ] lie probably. probably true too no you know well you know i  don't want to paint the wrong picture though like. like okay so so in all fairness i was a pretty  fair guy i always at least i feel like it like.

like it was just when guys got out of what my  sense of you know left and right flanks were um. on what's acceptable behavior on predicated upon  experience in the teams um where those types of. things would occur you know yeah and but i was  pretty fair if the guy was like completely squared. away i wasn't i wasn't the guy that was just  like beating up on new guys or anything like that.

yeah it was it was it was just i was showing  them when they were outside the boundaries of. what i thought at the time was where people  should be yeah so well that was probably. actually the nicest lesson in an older seal  taught me because after that it was all. fists and fleet you know and and and rigorous  tape yeah there's like yeah yeah getting taped up. but anyways so there's my still  teammate story when we met.

no wonder you wouldn't tell me that at dinner  last night yeah all right but uh so man. so you so they told me you know back to capone's  you know they told me about you and how you had um. you changed your name and how you had gotten into  meditation and it sounds if i remember correctly.

the capone started their entire vets organization  uh you kind of you're responsible for that. essentially uh or maybe not responsible for it  as a key player i was a key player in in that. evolution of marcus and his wife you showed them  the light i guess is what i'll say it's it's it is.

the way it sounded we provided an opportunity that  they seized upon and took down the road you know. and um you want to go into that now sure so it's  a it's a long story to get there though so well. let's go let's start the interview from childhood  but yeah okay but i was i was just fascinated. with the whole thing i you know with the with  the ibogaine stuff and i had really researched.

some of the science behind that on how it blocks  the default mode network and forces the brain to. use other avenues to pass information that it  doesn't normally do and after seeing hearing. their story and what it did for him and and and  actually a lot of guys that have been on the show. uh i just as i heard and learned more about it i  just got more fascinated and and and researching.

you uh man i'm just i'm so happy you're here  and and it's so amazing i'm really hoping that. i know i'm gonna learn a ton and uh and so is  everybody listening so thank you again for being. here absolutely man it's an honor to do so um any  any opportunity so one of the big things like as. a default for anybody listening is is there may  be things that you don't understand that you hear. today that you hear me say today that you won't  understand it's fine it's fine um there's going to.

be different levels of listeners out there that  are on different levels of a spiritual journey. that will understand exactly what i'm talking  about and then those that don't maybe when. they engage upon that path later on those  those seeds will grow and they'll be like oh. or they can reference this show and and go oh  that's kind of what i'm experiencing now that i've. been doing this for a while i can i i get it  now you know so it's it's the why i think it.

i personally feel that that being able to convey  my journey and the way that it can be replicated. in others is why i'm still here i was always  given just to the edge of you know the end right. i always had just enough like so so ied blast  didn't like completely blow us apart you know.

bullets deflected by you know machinery in a in a  mini gun you know it's like all the in the armor. and it's you know uh incoming mortar fighter all  the type of stuff that like it just doesn't i was. protected i was protected i got i enough would get  through to where i could have the experience and. relate to people that weren't completely con you  know protected the ieds where people are losing. legs and arms and you know these types of things  but i can i can i can relate to people somewhat.

i i mean in in a i don't want to paint the wrong  picture here but somewhat i can relate to oh this. is what it would be like to be in a wheelchair for  the rest of my life i don't know how those people. i don't know how they surround that yeah those  types of things like when you when losing a limb. like i haven't lost a limb i don't understand  what that's like having to overcome you know.

and and that type of adversity but what i do know  is that it doesn't matter what the experience is. it's that experience that completely  shifts us that is going to project us. into a place of absolute prosperity and joy if  we learn how to focus that beam in that direction. so we can turn the channel from the negative to  the positive and those are the types of things.

we'll talk about today so being able to share  that life experience on a platform like yours. is an absolute honor and directly in line  with the reason i'm still alive today. so i can't wait to dig into you yeah you're  welcome you're welcome let's start with a. i told you a little bit ago that we have a patreon  network uh basically that it's a subscription. network they get behind the scenes stuff and  their support is actually what funds this entire.

operation with everything from the film crew to  everything and um so i give them an opportunity. to uh i tell them who's coming on and they get an  opportunity to ask a question i pick a couple of. questions and uh this question is from foxtrot  one and when we when we tell them who the guest.

is a lot of them do their own research and dive in  and and kind of see what you're all about so his. question is being into providing psychological  treatment for wounded soldiers and veterans. what do you think about the role of military  psychologists or shrinks which were part of the. forces overseas to maintain combat abilities  of vulnerable or already traumatized soldiers. handing out prescriptions for benzos opioids  antidepressant antidepressants sedatives.

etc not to heal the patient but to prolong  the exposure by maintaining combat readiness. um so at the beginning of that it says  that i'm involved with the psychology. yeah i'm not i'm not i just want to be clear  i'm not a doctor i'm not a psychologist i'm not. um a psychiatrist um but uh i have an experience  i have extensive experience of working with those.

doctors and so for me um i didn't find benefit  okay so we have to go into this a little bit so. um which is gonna kind of cause a piecemeal type  of thing once we get flowing later but i'll keep. it succinct so for me it's been the initial if  they don't have extensive experience in a combat.

environment with special operations forces that's  where we start getting into issues right and then. i want to this is rubbing on the chair and and and  i also want to delineate there's a very clear line. between psychology and psychiatry okay psychiatry  is the ones doing the pills not psychology the.

problem with the the medications and these types  of things is that there's never an exit strategy. there's a time and place for medicine right but  i feel we turn to it much too quickly before. analyzing hormone panels seeing what's going on  you know physiologically with with the system. and and and um and then you know being diligent  on ferreting out and using the medication as a.

last resort that's what we should be doing in my  personal opinion having walked the path that i've. walked um again i'm not against medicine i'm not  against these types of things and there is a time. and place for them but we jump into it far too  quickly especially on the end of that you know. we're in a reactive state when we don't have to  be we can be in a proactive state but in regards. to this particular question my feelings around  that are just that um we we psychology for me was.

the better route you know no pharmaceuticals let's  talk about these types of things and and then. you know formulate a plan on you know gaining  some type of foundation we can even stand on after. after these events as far as using these types  of medications to to uh keep us operational.

i can see where there's certain i i personally  think that uh there's certain instances where it's. it's warranted depending on what the mission is  you know and i mean it's we're sacrificing a lot. there's a big cost that people don't hear about  by doing that and i think that at the end of the. day mission specifically uh if you have to stay  up for 48 hours because you're trying to hit a. certain target or you're providing critical intel  so people don't get killed yeah i'll bear that.

i'll bear that you know absolutely i'll bear  that but it's where there has to be and i think. where we fall short a lot of times is there's no  back-end plan okay there's there's not there's not. proper monitoring on okay this guy's been on this  for about this much time we're starting to hit. addictive type levels that that he's going to  have some type of withdrawal symptoms and these. types of things and and we don't have a plan in  place at least they didn't when i'm again these.

answers are all based upon my experiences not the  conjecture of anybody else's okay so so uh for me. uh it was there was not a solid plan in place for  what to do after that right and invariably that. that very same system as people and inherently i  feel like people are trying to do the best they. can do for us with an unknown type of entity yeah  right an unknown situation and they're trying to.

figure it out unfortunately that's at the cost  of the lives of many veterans yeah so so what i. found through this journey now is that is again  going back to what i had said earlier is that. now i can use the the lens of hindsight  which is 20 20 at all times and i can see.

where i'm at now and where i was then and i can  understand how critical those components were. so that i can even have this conversation  right now to hopefully awaken the very same. chain reaction in somebody else yeah that's  the purpose that's the mission that's the. that there's no greater purpose for me  yeah you know than than being able to. relate to somebody going through that because i've  experienced it or i've had at least a dose of it.

might not be as bad everybody's got a different  story but i know how to come out of it i know how. to come out of it that's huge yeah we can recover  from these things and if we can successfully do so. not run from the past incorporate the past own the  past because the past is our power because once we.

start to realize those breadcrumbs of the past led  us to where we are now and gave us the strength. to step upon this spiritual path this  path of this path of of enlightenment. whatever level of that is for you the practitioner  to that that over time with diligence and and. consistency we are going to have progress  and we are going to gain an understanding.

of the why these things happen and then  over time as we progress we'll start to. be able to have new experiences that are  foundationally related to those that were. before like a negative type of  mindset when we associate to that past.

right it becomes a the the negative  mindset becomes a a type of gratuity. that we have because we went through  it i'm sure you've experienced stuff. i have yeah and see that's that's we have  again this is why i say we have to learn how. to hear then we have to learn how to listen  because that is the frequency that's the tone. of how that teacher within talks to us right yeah  you're already hearing it you're already seeing it.

and you're in and you're kind of like looking  at it now you have to learn how to explore it. now we have to learn how to get away from judging  and replacing with observation and compassion and. these types of things right makes sense so before  we go too far down this road let's start i know. your dad was a seal let's start childhood what  was what was mccall's mchale's childhood like so.

i was i was completely creative i wasn't  violent i was um i had a lot of i i started. to develop a lot of anger when i was younger  how young um probably around first grade or so.

and i think that just comes from being in  the environment really young yeah yeah and. and that anger turned into i i created so so  i was literally a glee club kid like like we. had briefly discussed earlier and uh full-on glee  club quick it was like madrigals it's called matt. they called it madrigals that was like a club  all that all of it i was doing musical theater.

um i was i was um singing you know dancing hot  pink vest top hat putting on a ritz i'm serious. i'll show you pictures dude you'd be like what  but when you see this child that i'll show you in. these pictures you could see that it i was frail  i felt that i mean my build was frail you know i. was very much 100 percent um a creative i still  am i still always was i always have been right.

even in combat i was very creative you know so. as i grew up i was bullied a lot there was there  was a lot of abuse um you know my dad my dad was. a seal and um you know i'm i'm so grateful  that i had that type of powerful figure.

to to kind of show me a way right there's no  coincidence there that that was that was by design. for sure in hindsight being what it is you know  again um but you know it wasn't easy it wasn't. easy dad was going all the time he was a team  guy yeah gone all the time 10 months out of the. year at least you know uh divorced very young you  know i think i was four or five when they divorced.

before i even started school um didn't get to see  him a lot you know and and and i understand it now. be having become a seal and have sons and  daughters of my own and and i understand now. and and so much so in fact that like i'm and we'll  get into this but you know what it hampered my. relationships with my children as well how can  it not yeah you know i see these guys that like.

and i'll come back but but i see these guys that. do this perfect blend like they have this it  seemingly this really strong relation family. relationship as they're gone all the time in  the teams and i never understood how they did it. it's because i was never shown how to do it you  know it's what i learned and that's no hit on my. father or my mother or anything like that that's  just that's just they did the best they could with. what they had and what their experiences are right  at the time i didn't understand that at the time.

as a child i was like this is a [ __ ] show this  sucks my it was horrible right and um and so um. there was drug use when i was a kid and um  there's all kinds of stuff going on you know. sexual stuff and and like all these types  of abuses happening did you live with your. dad or i lived with my mother i lived with  my mother um i was i was uh i i was alone.

what did your mother do she had to work multiple  jobs to support us you know so she was gone all. the time i'd come home from school a lot of  times walking home from school and i'd be alone. you know until late at night or i'd see her in the  morning or i'd be out at some babysitter's house. for a couple days at a pop shop and and or and  during the summers i go live with my grandmother.

and my grandmother imparted to me like even more  a deeper creativity and she's the one that's. established and taught me about god and as a  baptist you know and so i always felt i had a. special connection to god and it was  always in it was always in direct.

direct opposition my experience of  that in that relationship was always. in direct opposition to what the church was saying. and doing it was like that doesn't feel right to  me you know it doesn't feel right that that that. you know my version of god isn't the one  that's like burning people down to the ground.

i always feel peace and love and this  connection when i i would sit alone as a child. wow like very young like six i'd go to church  camp and stuff like that and you'd learn more and. you know and not really fit in with anybody  there you know and kind of be on my own. not not making many friends you know  and and it was it was just because.

i i think it was because i couldn't  relate um and and i don't know. i don't i know now why but but at the time i  didn't know i didn't know why i was very awkward. you know but the the place that i felt at home and  open was when i was creating but then somewhere. along the line you know my desire to fit in with  people started to get stronger the desire to be.

more accepted started to get stronger  and invariably i wasn't it was it was. the opposite it was there was um as i grew up  there was more bullying you know as you get into. you know high school and these types of things  and and so i barely got through high school. i barely got through high school and i think a  lot of it was when i started doing really well it. was around ninth grade or so i was like getting a  b's or all that type of stuff and then that's when.

that's when like some heavy you know bullying type  stuff came in and you know people just it was bad. it was bad and um and the pain that i felt  when i went home like i didn't wanna i didn't. wanna be around anymore i just i because of that  connection to god i just wanted to i kept praying. i kept praying can i can i please come back.

can i please come back i just want to come be  with you that's that's that's the connection i had. and so when i was 11 one time i was hunting i was  with my stepdad i was 11. and we went hunting and. i had an m1 and i remember praying and i  was sitting there i didn't want to hunt. i remember the kid i am i didn't want to hunt  i didn't want to kill a deer it wasn't me.

i didn't want to do it i was doing it to fit in  you know nothing against hunters out there no. you know i have since hunted many times and  and and not always stuff on four legs so. so a lot of things changed so but at the time  you know i didn't want to do it you know i didn't. want to be out in like the cold and yeah i was a i  was i just wanted to keep you know performing and.

and doing my thing um video games were  a big part of my world then too so we'll. get more into that later but but um and then  drawing also you know all kinds of stuff i'll. show you i'll show you my stuff later cool  but but but i'm sitting there and and um. and all these hunters uh it was kind of a  proverbial straw and um and all these grown men.

started [ __ ] making fun of me and [ __ ]  right these grown men like making fun of me. like tormenting me and my stepfather at the  time let that [ __ ] happen because he was weak. you know yeah yeah so we went out and i was i was  already in anguish because of a whole bunch of.

other types of abuse that were i'm holding all  this stuff you know who do i talk to who could. i talk to i had nobody there's nobody to talk to  about this and i always felt that if i did talk. to my father or mother about it they'd be ashamed  of me you know and because somebody else abused me. what the [ __ ] that's how that abu that's how  abuse works right yeah and so i'm sitting there. and i'm i'm sitting on this log and i  remember i started praying and i was like.

it was it i'm sitting there i take the m1 i put my  forehead on the barrel and i said a final prayer. i started to squeeze the slack out of the  trigger and i was like god if i if this is. not okay for me to come back to you right  now please give me a sign right now crack.

i look and there's a [ __ ] buck standing  like from here to your [ __ ] corner. just staring at me oh [ __ ] i just start crying  damn and i'm looking i'm like i'm so sorry. you know it's like but the pain is  so deep and i don't know what to do. i don't know i don't know what to do and  i tried to shoot the deer and i missed him.

you know um but and so then they do a  shame thing where you got to cut off. the bottom of your shirt if you miss the [  __ ] deer and all that type of stuff right. um there's a part of me that wonders if  the deer was even there you know um but. but that's the story that's this that's the  last time that anything i think and i think not.

literally right here as i sit here i think that's  probably why i didn't kill myself after combat. that's a big sign i mean i think inherently like  but i had forgotten like as time goes you forget. and it doesn't become the forefront of our  thoughts you know but it's a massive sign right. and but i think that's what kept me from even  consider like like i never after combat i never.

thought about i never like made plans to kill  myself or anything like that but i knew um but i. really understood why people were you know yeah  and i think now literally having i'm having this. connection thing happening while i'm sitting here  having told that story i think that that was one.

of the necessary experiences i had to have so that  i didn't do it later you see how the timeline type. of those types of things work that's interesting  but time goes on i go through high school i. i'm i want to create i'm in virginia though  between virginia and ohio and it's like well what. do i do there's not any like great acting outlets  at in virginia beach in 89 yeah you know what i.

mean there's not a lot of great acting outlets  in bath ohio in 89 yeah you know so i'm like. i don't know what to do my dad's like well  maybe you should join the military yeah i'm like. okay uh maybe i'm going in the marines i  tried the air force first i tried the air. force first and they were like  get the [ __ ] out of here kid.

and uh and so then i was like well they said  no i wanted to be a pilot i think i wanted to. be a pilot first i remember that now i was like  researching embry-riddle university and all these. types of things and i was like that'd be really  cool to be a fighter pilot and my dad's like. yeah okay go for it and then the air force was  like no he didn't he didn't go hey the navy's.

got a flying program yeah he's like he's like  he's like what i was like well what about the. marines what if i go be the marines like [ __  ] that dude they treat you like [ __ ] don't. go to the [ __ ] marine corps they're gonna  treat you like [ __ ] join the [ __ ] navy and. and and go into explosive ordnance disposal  if you want to do something like that as. i literally remember asking this  question i was like can i use my artwork. is there a way to use is there anything in the  military where i could use my artwork to do it.

like to like that's my job you  know and he's like uh we could be. kind of like a mp or something and maybe like  doing the the profile sketches he's like he's. like i don't know of anything that you  can use your you know art ability um. but um but he goes he he goes no no go i was like  well what about what it is you do what if i go do. that seal teams he's like uh no don't no he goes  go eod first if you really want to become a seal.

go become a seal after you do the eod  thing it'll make you a much better seal. you'll have the explosive knowledge you'll you'll  be you'll be a real force multiplier in the seal. teams as an explosives expert type guy you  know and i'm like that that had logic to me. right now he goes and then like you're you're  probably going to [ __ ] up a lot when you.

get in the navy and i want you to do it  over there instead of in the seal teams. and i did i [ __ ] up a lot a lot people thought  i was a rock and i wasn't i was the other way. around but it was like but when it came to  the job when i finally got through i went to. eod school joined in 89 went to eod school went  through they had an assistant program at the time. eod assistant 5331 and so i went to debt  norfolk and that was a [ __ ] show dude.

but when i was actually doing the job it's  because i didn't know how to act in my off time. because i was so i was so messed up in my personal  life but doing the job itself i was really good. at it i was really good at it and because i could  retain i retained all the knowledge the job itself. actively working as an operator i was solid and  that's i think that's why they kept me around.

and i had a big heart i had a huge heart you  know it was just i kept [ __ ] up and out in. town fighting trying to find my way like more  and more aggression started coming out you know. and i started turning into what you saw in those  pictures and everything and and i think that was. that that whole thing was so it was  not just a byproduct of our training. and everything like that but it was also  a get the [ __ ] away from me you know.

protection of who i still always was inside i was  always that sensitive kid inside you know and and. and but i had to build up like nobody  else was going to take care of me. i'm going to take care of myself you know and  that that's what drove me and so that i started. cultivating aggression destruction like violence  you know and it served me really well in the teams.

um when we were working yeah you  know what i mean but out in town. that stuff's happening like all the [ __ ] time  and everybody's going [ __ ] man can you stop. if i stop drinking maybe yeah you know so so fast  forward eod nine years screwed up a lot i tried.

for six years to go to buds you tried for six  years six [ __ ] years to go to buds what time. well i'd fall on my own sword a couple times you  know getting in alcohol related incidents and uh. but then then it was eod and and i gotta say um  and if there's some eod guys out there right now. um you know what i'm talking about uh be nice to  people when they want to go outside the community.

because they weren't to me they called me a  traitor when they found out i was i was i was like. for at the time it was a 4-0 sailor thing and and  i'm not playing a victim here is i get it you know. a lot of at the time there was a lot of guys  in the eod community that i don't think that's. the case anymore i don't think they're allowed to  like cross-pollinate anymore like they were in the. in the past where you could jump from one  warfare to the other you know what i mean um but.

um there were some there were some people  there in positions of power that were um. pretty abusive when they found out i wanted to be  a seal you know and they and again it wasn't all. them i'm i'm not saying it's all them i i gave  them plenty of ammunition to say no you know so. plenty of ammunition to say no i'm owning that  you know but my message here is if you're an eod.

guy listen to this and you have a guy that is in  the community that wants to go do something else. support him it's okay support him yeah don't don't  don't call him a betrayer and a traitor and then. like give him all the [ __ ] jobs because he  wants to go do something that you maybe wanted. to do or tried to do and couldn't yeah you know  give them their shot what was it about becoming.

a seal that appealed to you because my aggression  i knew because we started we started that's when. they started embedding eod guys in the platoons  um it was it became really definitive i had a lot. of you got to understand i had a lot of deep ties  to the teams too because i grew up in them right. these guys would come over and and and it never  left it was like if i'm gonna go do this i i want. my dad to me was like and you've heard me say this  before because it's true it's my story and and.

my dad to me was like batman i'd i'd not see him  for tons of time he'd show up in the middle of the. night and he'd be there the next day and then gone  again and you know often times where like he'd be. standing right behind me out of nowhere not having  seen him for four to six months and then all of a. sudden he's there typically when i'm giving my mom  a really hard time you know and then i'm like uh.

and he's right there behind me with no sound it's  like that kind of [ __ ] growing up with that and. then the guys he'd bring over danny chalker  all these types of dudes you know it's like. i mean those are [ __ ] superheroes yeah to  a kid like me to that kid i described they're. like superheroes you know and um so so over time  in that when my dad was there that i think that.

planted that aggressive momentum that started  happening thankfully it really set a balance. that i'm grateful for uh and and so so as i was  in the eod going back to your question of why. i went from the eod into the teams is i think that  seed was there originally i wanted i i remember. i was with the platoon delta platoon on  the roosevelt we were doing it and that's.

when team guys were still doing six month  deployments on aircraft carriers right and. and i remember i i just felt so at home  with them i felt so i like i understood. the balance too like i knew i wasn't one of  them but but i was welcomed by them because of. my mentality and what i was into i was  starting to box and you know and um.

and just training with them and it was  just a [ __ ] blast man being with them. and um and so i remember i walked into my eod  detachment cage i told him i was like i want to. go i want i want to go be a seal i want to go into  the seal teams and uh and i handed them my package.

and they tried for a week to talk me out of it and  then they got violent they got violent they got. violent started throwing [ __ ] at me told me get  the [ __ ] out of there that would probably kill. somebody and you know you know meanwhile that  whole week they're telling me how phenomenal. of an eod tech i am you know and this is a real  story i'm just telling the facts yeah you know um. and so i did i they go go [ __ ] mustard with  the platoon don't get the [ __ ] out of here but.

i was like okay and so i went down and mustered  with the platoon the platoon chief was like yeah. no problem i told him the story he was like yeah  no problem i got it we're good and i was like okay. i'm your guy they wrote me up oh [ __ ] they  wrote me up for being unauthorized absence and. you know no [ __ ] your package now and all that  type of [ __ ] damn it was that's what i mean.

it was it was rough it was rough and don't get me  wrong there are a ton of phenomenal [ __ ] dudes. in the eod community ugh there's such there's  some solid solid humans in that community it's. just one or two guys that tried to go to  buds and couldn't make it or wanted to and. yeah didn't you know have that you know what i  mean and um and that's i'm sure that's i'm sure.

there's a lot of organizations out there that  experience these types of things um and so i um. i went on you carried on smartly i finally  stopped drinking i was like i'm never gonna. go do this thing if i keep drinking i was like i  was like because weird [ __ ] would happen right. you know weird weird like when i drink weird  things would happen that could absolutely happen.

when i was sober but they never did yeah you know  like a car like coming around and hitting me with. a [ __ ] rear-view mirror or something you know  off the sidewalk you know it's like it just never. happened you know [ __ ] falling off something and  hitting me and because i had blood alcohol content. now it's an alcohol-related incident yeah but i  could have been sober and the same thing happened.

you know what i mean it was it was just  it never happened but you're really silver. what's that i'm guessing but  you're rarely sober so but. well no i was i was yeah i i i wasn't  like uh a major alcoholic yet you know. but but um i never was i don't i don't feel like  i ever was a major alcoholic i could just drink a. lot yeah i could drink a lot and then i could  not drink and i know that they put all those.

different type of categories of alcoholism and  all these types of things i get it i get it i get. but for me i even bought into that for a little  bit and i was like i am a recovering alcoholic. i did all that and i went down those paths  and and it was like i'm saying and doing this. stuff but there's a different way i don't  feel like this is this is me and so i just. stopped i just stopped drinking hey you  know and every once in a while i would drink.

at like every special occasion something like that  and i was fine with it but then [ __ ] would still. start happening only when i [ __ ] drank yeah and  i'm like okay [ __ ] it i'm done you know and then. i drink again you know uh and and uh it wasn't  until i started my spiritual practice that i. that it really stopped yeah stop stop because it  was just too much of an energetic cost to recover.

like from that mindset state you know what i  mean yeah it just it just there's too much of a. as you start to you know practice in this there  you could feel the difference and and your ability. to focus and joy and all these types of things  it just there's a distinct difference and it was. like an anchor a spiritual spiritual anchor i  mean it's depressing right yeah the present and. i'm trying to do the opposite of that so why am i  going to bear that extra load while i'm trying to.

you know ascend you know so i stopped  and um so um fast forward went the buds. uh class two two four we started with i think  183 something like that graduated 11 originals. damn you were an original yeah yeah uh my  swim buddy was too mike coke michael coke.

um and remember the story that i painted when  i tell you this this this experience in buds so. i'm sure from people listening to your show they  know what a swim buddy is by now right you wanna. should go into it okay swim buddy it's it's the  opposite of covid right it's the opposite of. of social distancing you have to be within six  feet of your swim buddy at all times as you go. through this training that person learns more  about you than you probably know about yourself.

you know and and you get through things together  case in point i uh was in third phase with my. swim buddy and and um we're all doing fast  roping and rappelling right in third phase. and they had this 80 foot rappel tower and we're  going through the hell hole hellhole's like a. you got to understand i was 238 pounds when i  went through buds right so and i'm going through.

the hell hole which is about this big and i was a  first class petty officer i was a senior eod tech. father is a plank owner of damn neck my um so i'm  sitting there and we're standing there and and i. remember one of the instructors come up warrant  officer he's like hey french that name's really. familiar and you look like a lot like a shooting  buddy of mine oh and i'm like and i'm like hear me.

[ __ ] because i had kept it under the wire nobody  had figured out that you're no i had figured this. nobody had figured it out until like i think  after hell week holy [ __ ] it was after hell week. nobody put it together and then he's like you  wouldn't happen to be related to fred rich would. you and i'm like maybe he's like yeah that's  what i thought you know it's coming now right.

it was game the [ __ ] on dude um it  was no actually it was right before. hell week i think it was right before  hell week i think hell week was the. fourth week and this was probably the third week  that that happened i can't remember exactly but um. but it was it was that kind of thing that  like you're like [ __ ] yeah bring it bro.

let's go let's go i'll earn every i'll earn  every [ __ ] bit of this [ __ ] and i want to. yeah i want all of it give me the  extra you know what i mean yeah. and so so they did and um it  was it was it was game on and um. my swim buddy got to bear some of that with me  he's like god damn it dude i'm like hey yeah but.

it's better this way you know it's better this  way you want this this is the you want to know. that you earned it you know what i mean yeah you  don't want the easy course you know and um so. so um fast forward to third phase you know  the the story ripples on and uh these guys. are like okay friction's gonna demonstrate some  you know repelling and and how did how it's done.

and they had me [ __ ] welders gloves and i'm  like i'm like thanks and they're like what. you don't like the gloves we gave you everybody  else is in repelling gloves i got welders gloves. they're super [ __ ] thick like getting them the  [ __ ] clothes i'm going through the hell hole. i'm 238 pounds i'm scraping the sides  of the hell hole as i'm going through. you know and and they're pulling a bunch of  line out and i'm going dynamic showing off for.

all intents and purposes you know it's like and  everything's fine everything's fine until it's not. one of my runs i jump through the ho ho  catch a loop of the slack on the deck. rips my [ __ ] brake hand out the belay man  thinks i'm still going dynamic whoa straight. into the [ __ ] ground i hit so hard this orange  jelly came out of my [ __ ] nose dude i'm like. i remember the dust settling on my face i  start to sit up and the corbin is like no.

lay back down and i'm like okay and my right  knee is [ __ ] boom boom boom and i'm like. systems check no just my right knee i  don't have any broken bones or anything. i don't think and and so he comes up he checks  i forget his name but what a great dude he was.

he checks he goes what knee is it what knee  and i'm like it's this one this is this one. but i'm like it's this one this  drama class is paying off i'm like. he's like yeah feels okay i don't feel any  he goes and he looks at me and he's like. let me check it against the other one and  then he checks the other one and i'm just like. you know he's like he looks at me and he's like.

just take the role dude i think we were  in third week of third phase yeah because. just take the roll dude go heal up come back  we're about to get on the [ __ ] mountain you know. because then you're gonna have to do  all this [ __ ] again it's nine weeks. especially when you get out to the island  i'm like i'm good dude he's like okay.

get up there we're doing fast room next [  __ ] i go around the corner and i'm like. you know just like sick dude i'm like  sick this thing [ __ ] hurts so bad. i get up there and i'm like burning my [ __ ]  palms going down the fast rope you know because. i'm squeezing so tight and uh you know i do a run  and i'm kind of like keeps recycling back to the. back of the line type thing you know they know  they're [ __ ] smart they're watching you know.

go again get a couple runs in just try to drag  it out as much as i can we start forming up. to take off i couldn't keep up with the class  i'm like [ __ ] man [ __ ] i can't run and uh. so i was paying out of pocket to to go out  in town and get my knee worked on every night. after we secure you know and it started  working like i failed my next time run. and and but but but then i started getting back  up on step right i go out every night they do all.

the work on the knee the injections all that type  of stuff and you know just click you hear it um. and uh and to this day that thing's  bugging the [ __ ] out of me but but. um but i was doing okay you know i was  getting back up on step i was doing fine. and then and then we went and did land warfare  and i couldn't go out and get those treatments.

every night yeah i can do all the work on my  on my legs and um and so uh me and mike we. we had a system in land warfare we'd haul ass  to the next point you know one dude would take. a break while the other guy ran up and grabbed  the point yes we broke the six-foot rule but it. was quick you know we were turning around quick  and we in most times we could keep line of sight.

you know what i mean we try to keep line of sight  you know so one guy could rest up and it kept our. overall time this is back when that it mattered  like you had to pass that [ __ ] right well. after about the third day of that [ __ ] i started  slowing down i couldn't do i couldn't do the. treatments and like it was it was wearing on me  and i couldn't i couldn't keep up and um and we.

got to one of the hills it was my turn to do the  the thing and and he's like let me go up there. and get this and i was like it's my turn dude let  me go get the [ __ ] take your break enjoy it and. i'll be right [ __ ] back and he's like he's like  dude we're [ __ ] slowing down let me just go get. the [ __ ] point you can get the next one  and i was like look dude and he's like dude. everybody saw you s fall off that [ __ ] repel  tower nobody thinks you're [ __ ] weak is that.

what you [ __ ] think is that what's going  on right now let me go get the [ __ ] point. or we're gonna [ __ ] fail and i'm like i ate my  ego eat my pride i'm like he goes whatever as i go. fine go felt like [ __ ] right we don't ever want  to be in that [ __ ] position it felt like [ __ ]. and and because whatever you do don't [ __ ]  leave here don't no matter what i was like just go. [ __ ] i got it we're good he goes up he's gone  an hour two hours three hours i'm freaking the.

[ __ ] out dude [ __ ] i'm like this dude [ __  ] fell off a [ __ ] cliff like i didn't move i. didn't want to go look because if he came back  and and i wasn't [ __ ] there now we're really. [ __ ] right you know so i'm like [ __ ] it's  starting to get dark he comes [ __ ] [ __ ] coming.

out of the bushes all right let's go i'm like  where the [ __ ] have you been dude because i. was like getting all the [ __ ] points i was like  you [ __ ] i'm wait you got all the [ __ ] points. and he's like he's like yeah but now you got  a [ __ ] sprint so we're sprinting down the. [ __ ] side of the mountain and we made the [ __  ] time just barely and had we be for everybody. out there that doesn't really know why that's  such a big deal is because had we been caught. we were both absolutely being kicked the [ __ ]  out for safety violations yeah absolutely and um.

so he did the whole damn land navigation  course he did he yeah we were yeah did. the whole [ __ ] last piece of it for us and  had he been caught it was the first time it. was the first time anybody and i get this  way every time i tell this story because.

because it was so profound for me it was the first  time you got to remember where i came from right. it was the first time anybody ever  truly sacrificed anything for me. it was the only time up to that point that  somebody put their dreams on the line for me.

for us it was the first time  i ever truly understood team. and what it meant what it really [ __ ] meant. and. and so when he died in iraq. doing what we do it was really hard because you  know like you always think you have more time you.

always think that you're going to be able to see  that guy again you don't you don't think i i never. in combat i never thought about death about that  possibility i was never i never experienced fear. in combat like i never i was never afraid.

and it wasn't from a lack of firefights. it just wasn't there. never ever. ever. and and i remember falling down in turrets  and i've had the slowdown and all that type. of stuff like where i'm in a turret  and like it seems like the opening of.

the turrets like way the [ __ ] out there and  it's like why am i why am i still laying here. you know and it's like then you gotta [ __  ] it feels like you're pulling your whole. body through to force it to move again you know  and then everything speeds back up you know. and uh even then it was just like a uh what the  [ __ ] just happened type feeling you know what.

i mean yeah not fear not like i don't want  to go in there or do these things you know. i don't know and and it and it wasn't i don't  know it just i wasn't wired in that time frame. maybe maybe it was because i didn't care maybe it  was because i didn't care about the death thing. i knew i was good yeah i don't know i can't i to  this day i don't know why i didn't experience that.

um and we've experienced a ton of death like we've  experienced so much death and and you know how you. know i caught myself this one time do you know how  you know that you've seen way too many funerals.

when you turn after it's done when you turn to  your buddy and you're like that was a good one. and in mics that was heavy it was a heavy. up to that point in my life that that was the.

the biggest sense of loss. that i had felt. because he was truly gifted. like as an operator and a  leader he was just it was just. it's like god put all the pieces  of like the ultimate operator whom. that was him like anybody that  knows him will tell you so yeah.

you know and. i was just honored to call him friend and brother. it happened at a time when.

it happened at a time in my life when. everything was going sideways on me um i  couldn't sleep for four days at a pop i was. i was starting to go into  metabolic syndrome and [ __ ] um. they had started to put me on the medications and  all these types of things that weren't working.

uh i uh. i had to take emergency custody of my son  because his mother abused him horribly. how was it six i was two months away from  another deployment i had done another. um this would have been my. fourth deployment uh at still teammate  i did one ucom and then two tours to.

iraq and then this was going to be it would  have been my seventh deployment in the navy. um and two months prior to that that's when  i had to take emergency custody of my son and. in that situation uh the state appoints. what's called a guardian ad litem and they  look after the best interests of the child.

and i had just gotten married to my wife  she's from the czech republic and um. and. and i remember her asking me um she's like  how much were you gone last year i was like. 10 months and she's like okay how long have  you gone the year before that and i was like. i see where this is going and she's like it's  okay i just need to know that i'm like 10 months.

she's like okay she's like well. we don't see how it benefits the  child for you to have custody. if you're gone 10 months up every year  it's like there's a war going on i'm a seal. i was like he won't be alone he'll be cared for  my my wife has been in his life since he was two.

you know been more of a mother to him  than his actual mother and and she's like. yeah but because of her language the language  barrier we're not sure if like his school. work will suffer in these  types of thing i was like. so what are you telling me well we have  facilities we can put them in while you're.

away and i'm like what like a [ __ ] home. she's like yeah i'm like. let me get this right because i volunteered to  go step in harm's way with the men beside me. and stand in front of the bullets intended for  you you're gonna put my son in a [ __ ] home.

she's like that's not what i'm saying i was like  that's exactly what the [ __ ] you're saying. i was like what makes you  think that we can go down range. for years and take life for a bunch of people  that obviously don't give a flying [ __ ]. and i wouldn't do 10 times  more for those closest to me. she's like you gotta remember what i look like  she's like are you threatening me and i'm like no.

i'm not. don't worry about my [ __ ] job my command  will take care of me i'll find something. so i took i may have had to  choose between two families. the [ __ ] one of the hardest things. i mean how the [ __ ] i had guys i had  guys defer their favorable for green team.

because i was going to be their platoon chief and  deploy with them because they had just come back. from combat with me damn and then i had to leave  them damn that's tough that's real [ __ ] tough. i had to [ __ ] talk and there's no  winning that talk like people that.

don't have kids they don't understand people  that don't people that that child needed me. i wasn't there for myself yeah but  i knew i had to do this i had to. i had to you know and that's how i wound up  on the west coast right i had to care for.

him i couldn't make the same i didn't  want to replicate what happened to me. you know when i was a kid  because that's what was happening. when i got that call when i got that  call that he was abused like that again. it was i was two weeks back from combat  dude i wasn't even mad i was just like.

let's go. who's abusing them. i don't wanna all right some people are  bearing a load right now that are better. of their own desire i don't wanna add to it i  understand that so um let's take a quick break.

okay let's take a quick break okay. hey guys let me tell you about this subscription  service that i've been working real hard on. called vigilance elite patreon basically  on patreon we haven't broken up into. three different tiers we've got tier one  tier two and tier three let's dive in. our tier one patrons get all the behind the scenes  footage of the sean ryan show that could include.

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is the only thing that makes this show drive on so  thank you for all the support see you on patreon. so we're back from the break  you remember where we're at. taking custody of my son yeah uh guardian ad litem. so um.

so that was one of the of what i call the  perfect storm [ __ ] that that i was going. through at that time um the other one was um i  was starting to have neurological symptoms to. uh an ied blast to be honest with you i don't  know if it was just the ied blast or if it was a. now because of you know the data that's coming out  of close proximity explosives and stuff like that.

i've been working explosives my entire career  yeah that was my thing that was what i absolutely. loved doing was explosives explosive morning's  disposal breacher preacher rso you know all. lead breacher you know all these  that was my thing i love doing and. and so so who knows truly is probably an  accumulation of all of those different things but.

the one that the doctors attest to the big the  big contributor to the issues i was having with. my cervical spine and you know vestibular  damage and all these types of things is when. there was a roadside ied that had gone off  on my vehicle during my first tour to iraq um. all of the events that i've talked about  thus far with my son and everything was. after my second tour to iraq which was a very  heavy combat tour right and um the first tour.

we were returning from an op west coast  was running it and it was funny man. it was like they um they went down a route  that they thought they could get away with. it was a black route and they thought they could  get away with some stuff and they didn't do you. want to describe what a black route is so a  black route is um at the time a black route.

is one that is probable for either some sort of  an ambush or an attack and you should avoid it. period right so it was a black route  and we were only going on it for. a very short amount of time and i'll tell  you this and i was just augmenting because. we were doing the psd mission during that  first deployment yeah there's a lot of.

there's a lot of things i learned during that  deployment which was great and you know to put. in perspective to take a break from the psd we'd  go do da's with the west coast guys over at the. at biop right in the grom and so we were with  the west coast guys uh developed a lot of good. relationships with those guys you were working  with the polish the grom yeah how was that. fantastic yeah it was great those guys are  phenomenal they're really good at what they.

do i thought personally my experience was  great with them you know i i love the polish. people they're they're they're hard charging  and there's no nonsense with them they're. you know they they just work really hard you  know really smart really heart driven people. um from what i saw you know and and of course  that you know appeals to me and um and so um.

but i wasn't like core to those operations i  tried to get over there every chance i could with. the psd mission i made a deal with the command  master chief like hey i'll train these guys in psd. i'll stay here longer to train these guys with  psd if you let me stay with the the guys over. at biap for three months and so i can do da's you  know i kind of work deals with my cmc so i could. you know kind of you guys aren't going to be back  till here i'll be ready to take the platoon it'll.

be fine you know all these types of things  right um i was still a first class during. that first deployment i think i made i think i  made chief somewhere after that yeah which was. amazing um so but we were coming back from  this operation it was about three o'clock in. the morning i guess and then a roadside ied went  off on the vehicle uh i was in the turret and uh.

i remember we're driving down the route and i'll  tell you this and anybody that's probably been in. an ambush or anything like that can can attest to  you can feel it coming and that's going to be key. later when we talk about some things you feel it  you get a sense of it and in this particular sense. i turn my head and i look straight down it's  pitch black i look straight down as we're.

traveling down the route and i looked at the ied  it's pitch black but i saw a flash i remember i. remember distinctly seeing a flash and the next  thing i remember is me yelling down at the dude. to stop punching me in my [ __ ] leg because  because he was trying to get my attention and um. he's like hit me in the leg and i'm like  stop looking at me he's like well dab dude. [ __ ] answer me are you okay and i'm like i  must have went out for a minute or something.

you know and i'm like he had a couple scratches  but i was i was good i felt like i was good. my ears were ringing and and i remember like  being kind of dazed and i'm like going why is. my barrel pointed at this freaking wall and  i turned around and like everything kind of. came back in oh we just got attacked nobody's [  __ ] there because it didn't even down our vehicle. it was low ordered and but it was like a pulp  fiction moment dude this thing was packed we had.

we had uh indigenous forces in the back of the  vehicle we had the humvee was packed inside and. there was quarter-sized holes through the through  the vehicle and the breacher blankets and nobody. got hit damn that's the kind of protection stuff  i'm talking about yeah you know and it's like. holy [ __ ] you know and i've had stuff in the  past that has been the same thing getting pinned. by an lcu in the north carolina post-hurricane  current uh surf zone like being pinned against the.

bottom of the ocean as this thing's been slamming  down into the bottom of the ocean floor but not. not getting me there getting sucked into  the propellers of a [ __ ] aircraft carrier. and then the buddy line gets hung on something  and we're like you know just kind of like. you know. both of those were with the  eod by the way um and uh.

and and then now this and and so uh we  had gotten back to the back to base and. and i remember like i started getting this gnarly  gnarly earache dude it felt like there was an ice. pick in my face dude i kept going up to the  corner like you do like we'd only been there a. short amount of time at the time it was relatively  new you know and i mean a couple months maybe and.

and i go up and i'm like hey man check out  my [ __ ] ear dude things something's jacked. he's looking in there he's like dude i don't see  anything man there's nothing wrong with your ear. i'm like [ __ ] something's you know and that went  on for like six weeks dude and and they go do you. want to go to the top of the hill and take a look  you know so and i'm like no dude you know because. in there they'll send me out of here you know we  finally got into war you know what i mean and um.

and so i just like taking like give  me something are we going out tonight. no okay cool give me some painkillers for  this [ __ ] thing and i i just went on that. way and then the nights we were going on  i'd strap on the 12-pound helmet and just. i'd be like drooling on myself dude like  seriously because it's like [ __ ] you know and um.

it was it was i thought i had pulled like all  the muscles in my back and my neck or something. because that was all spasming and everything  and none of us put two and two together. none of it was after the ied none of us put on  anything together and then over time you know us. being quiet we i just kind of went on and it went  away you know over about six weeks or so like it. started to fade over that six weeks and then i was  okay um i felt okay and we continued on and then.

and then um did the second tour which was which  was a heavy you know we we got to do a lot of good. work you know and uh this was when uh jocko was in  ramadi we were in on the buy-up uh and i was with. the iraqi special forces unit as one of the senior  enlisted advisors i landed that dream job because.

i made chief and i didn't have a platoon so i was  a free agent and it just aligned that i need they. needed to um they broke it into four groups a  b c and d so alpha platoon bravo for for these. iraqis right and so they'd have different senior  enlisted advisors for each one of those and there. just happened to be a free seat how were those  guys i've i've worked with a couple of them and.

i don't know if there are actually special forces  it seems like sometimes things got interchanged. i'm i was not impressed at all but i've also  heard really good stories from these guys too so. you it's it's kind of a double-edged sword right  um you get what you get and you have to treat them. like what they are and you gotta understand  these guys are operating in their backyards.

right they're familiar with everything they  know exactly where think about like just going. around your neighborhood and you're operating  in that you know where everything's at you know. i mean you you have that comfort level you  know where the threats are you know where. the bad guys are kind of hanging out  you got these things we are not privy. as much to that inherent knowledge right until  we've been there for a while and so um for me. it's a different thing man you got to treat them  with kids gloves they're very sensitive people.

you know they're very passionate people about  what it is they do they love one another deeply. and and so for me i i learned the hard way i  had um i had a great lpo that came in because. it was uh our my i was bravo and and so i  was the um technical commander for bravo. uh with the this this unit right and so what i  had done is i took um one of the existing team.

eight platoons and they split that platoon into  two and made a fire team here fire team here and. i was the chief of that second fire team so  i did the full chief platoon work up after. the full platoon chief deployment yeah i did it  backwards you know what i mean yeah so so i got. the deployed chief and then uh i got the the  full work up with the one i had to step out of.

right yeah um now uh those guys were phenomenal  that you know their actual platoon chief did a. fantastic job with those men that because i could  absolutely trust them to carry out you know what. my vision was for the battlefield and and they  they i and that's why i was good at it i could see.

like i was pretty average as a seal and we  talked about this a little bit last night across. the board like i was the average runner average  shooter average you know for seal standards right. um i was middle of the pack type guy running  not so much middle of the pack i was i was. 200 at that point i think i was 248 pounds you  know just you know served me well though and so so.

uh my running wasn't like i could get down the  road but very dangerous over short distances. you know and uh so so i had a  quick sprint but the long runs um. i i wasn't as fast but but average  you know as a seal across the board. personally for for me i felt like um being able  to see and communicate and and kind of know what.

the battle the the tone is on the battlefield  and being able to look at a target and identify. actions on really quickly um i i felt like i  was really good at that um so for time sensitive. targets and these types of things i felt like  that was absolutely right in alignment with. every purpose like that i was designed to uh  fulfill at the time and and then it made it.

really easy having those types of men that were  so capable because i could just tell them what i. wanted to do and they'd go do it you know and then  they had the initiative to you know and then all. i had to do was corral this in in the space right  through calms visual acuity like i'm a very visual. person i'm an artist so that creative side right  so i could see i can in my mind's eye i could see. everything on the battlefield i could i could  it was it was really satisfying you know so um.

fast forward through that deployment we we did  a couple of operations where where um we we went. into sadr city that was uh one of our big ones um  i had guys on the zarqawi hit you know we did a. lot of yeah we did a lot of tier one stuff with  keg and so um they had so much work during that.

that we'd get a lot of tier one targets you know  and it's a very purple unit so i had i had cct. i had sf i had the commandos i had the iraqi guys  i had the you know it was like it was just this. big mix of just military force we were doing tf  night hits you guys were all operating under one. holy [ __ ] that's a lot of badass portions  it was not going to include air and all the.

others did you guys have air yeah damn yeah  it was badass we didn't have we didn't have. our own like it's not like it wasn't a tier one  like dedicated error for us unless it was one. of their targets and then they'd push air to  us you know we had no problems getting assets. you know it was it was the priority  right because a lot of times you'd. be doing these operations and they had to have  the iraqi face on them yeah so we're literally.

not i don't know if we could say this can we i  don't know i'll tell you offline but but um so so. so a lot of times they had to have that  iraqi face on it so that's why we were. there as the senior enlisted advisor so that  we could facilitate that combat yeah right. and that's what i do you know we go up we plan out  the stuff for them so that it was tactically sound.

and then and then we'd roll up  and basically my fire team leaders. depending on what phase was on that evening  for those operations and how we were cycling. and we'd pick the target and we'd let those guys  you know kind of let them go you know and uh we'd. run the breaches and stuff like that with and  we'd bring them in and kind of show them how it. was done and you know invariably so that we could  build up that force so that they could take care.

of themselves didn't work out so well but um but  that was the intent at the time right so so um. so it was a lot of great great work and um. and i remember uh just feeling i was really  satisfied with everything that we did um.

and again that protection thing going to that  protection thing one of our targets in solder city. uh we we um rolled up to it and and we'd switch  so it'd be alpha bravo alpha bravo alpha bravo. you know night after night who's running the  operations so the platoon chief for alpha. would run the operations one night and then we'd  augment them while they're doing that and then. next night they'd augment us you know so um but  i'd be running the operation right so uh and so so.

i remember i remember on this one target and this  is the only reason i'm telling this right now is. because of this protection thing that i'm gonna  talk about later that we kind of talked about. last night and and we're on this target and it's  tight like i'm in the top i'm in the humvee i. became qualified on the um was it 134 i think the  minigun and so did the training on that because.

how can you not if if you're there and you get  to man that thing because it's [ __ ] awesome um. a humvee mounted mini gun that's awesome what  a great asset i never have on the battlefield. the whole humvee rocks back when you shoot the  thing so oh man that's awesome and then those. bullets are so close to each other that like it  causes a vacuum and so it'll suck all the dust up.

off of everything when you  fire these rounds down and so. so i'm like um i'm i'm basically the the  line of death going down this road right. anything comes on to this road  we know it's hostile right. so and we had air and these types of things  but but uh my guys were going into the.

uh this this target here to pull these guys out  i had a guy literally right here like that had. had a weapon and like he's just hiding behind  this wall here i'm like hey there's a dude over. here this is how i was like there's there's a  dude right over there you need to keep eyes on. when he pops his heads up pop it and he's like all  right you know he starts throwing crash in there. dude crawls back into the house  and then him and his buddies start. coming around and trying to you know  cut across that road it was just like.

and i couldn't see and i'm like so i'm locked  on and like they're like what are you shooting. at hooch and i'm like i'm like we had a couple  of guys that were tactically moving on our team. and then i go and there was like this dude like  way that way the hell down there and i'm like. and he's like peeking out from behind this  car and i'm like and and i got to tell you.

i i thought like you got to understand all  these shots are calculated that's what we do. and i'm like does he have a weapon or is he  just scared shitless you know what i mean yeah. and then i saw it i saw the [ __ ] weapon and i  was like sorry dude him up and then and then um. then rounds start coming in on my armor and and  i hear it i hear it hitting the armor and then.

i saw these these other guys come running across  and you just keep opening up you know and and um. and then there was a guy standing in the street  and this is this is a testament to the to the. meticulous nature of not just our guys but the  sf guys the the the cct guys across the board. this is what i saw is is like there was a guy  that came out you know and he's like crying and.

everything at something he saw behind the car that  i had lit up and and i'm like i don't see a weapon. i don't see a weapon i was like hey do you see  a weapon on this guy and they're like i was like. there's a dude in the middle of the street right  now because it was down there a little bit and. and he's like i don't i don't i don't see one  and we didn't do anything you know what i mean. yeah it was like it was like okay just keep eyes  on them let vampire know that we you know that.

we got that guy and keep an eye on him let them  have him this was a date still a teammate yeah. i heard the ceo over there at that time was just  [ __ ] phenomenal oh no yeah yeah peluso sareh. donnie sayre yeah great too i had paluso i had  ser i mean both of those dudes were uh neil gainen.

i remember like they were just it was  just amazing amazing you guys were sudden. sarah was sarah was before sarah was when  we were doing the psd thing i think okay. i remember hearing because i got switched over to  i know peluso i think peluso came in after sarah. and he was the one on this  deployment so i remember hearing. you guys were setting up basically targets where  it looked like a fake ambush it looked like you.

had just had been ambushed like maybe a burning  humvee setting him be on fire lure these [ __ ] in. yeah we do all that kind of [ __ ] that's  awesome we do hits on on like low level targets. and then i don't want to talk about tactics i  don't know i don't know if they're still using. them you know what i mean let's not talk about  it yeah i don't know if they're still actively.

using that stuff so um. makes sense right yeah yeah so um but uh but i can  confirm there was a lot of really cool stuff like. that going on cool um and we could talk offline  about it uh but but um it was just it was like a. dream it was a dream deployment man it was like i  had screened twice for damn neck right and um and.

long story short i was told no twice they said  i was too high of a risk because of the fighting. stuff and my history of fighting and alcohol and  all the the stuff it had been like five years but. you know it still it still was  a factor right now because of. kind of the culture over there right so so  which i understand in hindsight in hindsight um.

it was kind of good because because i got  to go do that deployment i wouldn't have got. i wouldn't have been on that deployment i  wouldn't have gotten to do that i would have. got to do some other really cool [ __ ] i'm sure  but um but that was my path you know so so um. so yeah i came back from that deployment and  you know you're like a lion on the serengeti.

man and there's tons of stories that  can be told there but it's but it's like. you're like the absolute purpose when you go when  you go into a place where a guy is chopping off. heads setting it on the neighbor's porch and then  threatening them that they're next any day and. they don't know when it's coming and and they're  actively helping you as an american you know.

when you go extr when you go remove that cancer  for me there was this woman that had come out. and and she was trying to give me anything she  could anything she could like bread and like like. just anything from her house like in in just  weeping after we got done and it was like. and when you for me it was  i locked with this person.

and it was like this it was beautiful it's  the beauty of war that you don't get to see. it's like you always focus on the violence and and  the destruction and all these types of things but. again remember glee club kids still rolling around  in there i had completely forgotten about them. but still rolling around in there and and i  locked with this woman and it was like this.

this experience of death and life and hope and  like that that human experience of we just did. this and and they experienced what we've done  and there's such a profound gratuity that we. did what we did you know i mean and it's so  justifying and it's so liberating like it there it. it ameliorates any type of type of self  conscious am i doing the right thing.

mentality when you experience something like that  at least it did for me yeah you know and and so. so when you realize that there's  no greater sense of purpose than. that that you're absolutely doing  specifically what god created you to do. you are the hammer that you prayed to  be for god's work that's what i wanted.

like originally i had prayed to be god the  shield of god as eod help me make it through this. i want to be the shield to protect the innocent  that can't protect themselves from these. weapons of war but i didn't but that was only part  of my equation because i didn't quite fit in there. it didn't fit you know what i mean no i knew i had  to be with the other men that make up that spear.

and then that's when everything made sense right  not necessarily so much in my personal life like. i said it was still chaotic you know i'm still  you know i was still coming out of all of that. wasn't drinking or anything like that um but but  i'm still coming out of all of that right and and.

to have that type of experience and that  sense of purpose and then you go home. what the [ __ ] am i supposed to do now. what do we do now what what the [ __ ] am i  going to do with the rest of this one africom. what you do your best you know and then you well  come to find out i kept having these i kept having.

like these spasms in my back that would like  literally make it so i couldn't turn my head. for two weeks like because everything's knotted  up and like so i'm going in for injections to get. you know for pain management  clinics and these types of things. again nobody putting two and  two together and um and so uh.

fast forward through that next workup. uneventful not lackluster i'm having i'm  having more and more problems sleeping. i'm up for four days at a pop literally more  and more medications are starting to be put on. and. then all the while i'd just taken custody to  me as custody of uh temporary custody of my.

son and i was going in and i was going to these  meetings with these attorneys and you know and um. and his mother uh you know it was  it was it was a painful time in life. so i got custody. literally i got that that whole thing with my son  happened like two weeks after that deployment holy. [ __ ] it was that fast it was that fast damn two  weeks after that deployment so i'm going through.

that lack of a sense of purpose so naturally you  know protecting this child became the purpose. but i didn't know how really my other two  children had bore the brunt of my service. they barely saw me you know i didn't have much of  a relationship my daughter wasn't speaking to me. and.

and. and i understand where she was coming  from i really do you know because that. i i didn't understand my what was going  on me nobody understood what was going on. with me or us i should say because i know i wasn't  alone you know and and even when i was home i. i couldn't be there i don't know you know  all these types of things started adding up.

you know the disassociation from the pills and  injury that we didn't know was a thing at the time. and and you know it it all kind  of started becoming this amalgam. of a perfect storm that i alluded to that  that we're only just now tapping into so. so everything that's going  on right now is i can't sleep. my son i've got custody and they're threatening  to put them in a home if i don't stop if i deploy.

and i'm getting ready to deploy and so i have  to go to the cmc and go hey they're threatening. to put my son in a home if i deploy again he's  like well what do you want to do and i'm like. i don't know i don't know what to do. because of that choice.

invariably i chose my son we always say  family first we always say family first right. but when i made that choice it didn't feel like  that it didn't feel like people believed that yeah. i could say that you know what i mean yeah  they said they understood but you can feel it. you know you can feel like oh now you're  going to leave us here with this and.

you feel you could feel the disappointment you  could feel the the guys were fine everybody was. fine everybody made it through i didn't have  to bear the weight of like somebody getting. killed because i wasn't there you know and  somebody making a bad call yeah you know. thankfully still tough it was still to this day  like i i haven't spoken to many of those guys.

um not i don't think it's anything because of that  i think everything would be fine i really do it. was just i never i never really ever looked back  you know i never really just tried to hang on to. those to the past it's like and that's been true  with every a lot of relationships in my life i. never go back and like like if i'm the momentum  is going this way everybody there that's there. for that ride i enjoy that i enjoy the richness  of that and developing that for as long as i can.

you know don't get me wrong like every once one  of those calls and you know we take ketchup and. stuff like that but but it's not like i have  to i don't feel like i don't know i i just. i just develop the new um the new in the  now i guess that is the best way to put it. but now i'm i'm getting ready to move over  to the west coast having made that decision.

i was the ops chief you know while the  guys deployed and i managed everything and. got you know just worked the desk job you  know in preparation for moving over to the. west coast and trying to figure out what  the hell it is we're going to do right um. and so they agreed to send me over to buds  yeah i understand i've been i've been on.

i've been on uh i'd never taken shore  duty and i was at like what 15 years. something like that i never took sure well  the eod debt norfolk was short duty i think. but that was like at the beginning of my navy  career sure duty for those listening that don't. know that's basically a job where you don't deploy  you stay home right you stay home do training and. we were area response in the uh eod debt norfolk i  messed up a lot of stuff over there but um but uh.

but yeah so so once i once i went to. eod tech school that was it and that was in 93.  so from 93 to 2008 i never had shortage um yeah. that's a lot of plan yeah so or training you know  some of it was buds some of it was you know uh eod.

school um and and but yeah um it was all c duty  until the end which was instructor duty so went. out the buds uh to get as as i as i was in that  transition i started to really notice some stuff. going on with my body right like i was gaining  weight and i couldn't figure out why i didn't i.

was still having problems sleeping and i didn't  know i didn't know uh what was going on and so. um i wound up once i got out to the west coast i  started to um i was a third phase instructor demo. instructor and uh that lasted all of about i think  what a year max before they get they fired me.

what are they firing for i still  think it was a great trading thing. but to be quite honest with you um i. i went in there and and having the explosive  experience that i had um i wanted to make. things better and at the time that's not what  they wanted they just wanted somebody that was.

going to go in there run the demo program as  is and not just just run the demo pro don't. make any waves don't just yeah just keep it going  just let's just keep this going we've got a good. you know humming along type of routine here  don't make any waves you know and so um. got out to the island and again i couldn't  sleep remember and i've got my boy with me.

uh and and i had two properties like  back on the east coast remember it's 2008. that the mortgages had inverted and so like i  couldn't i couldn't fill them nobody rent nobody. you know and so i had to declare bankruptcy  you know so that's going on as well my son. is having really bad symptoms of trauma right  and he's doing things at school that are.

um inappropriate and and so we had to um  we had to we had to address all that so. for a while he was a special needs case  that's how bad it was damn yeah and so. i promise this has a a there's a pot  of gold at this black rainbow this this. there there truly is um and this isn't  a woe is me story i have to paint this.

i have to paint this picture in this way so that  i can reach the people that are in this situation. now that are feeling this now so that they know  that there is absolutely a way to come out of this. and it doesn't use a lot of pills it doesn't  use it's you can do it under your own power. and and and it's to establish hope and light in  the darkness is what it is so so that's why this.

is the way it is that's why i'm telling this story  um i just for some reason felt like i needed to. say that so that you have it so um so  i got fired from huds because because. there was two students sleeping on watch you got  to understand third phase is designed to be um. to to be treated like it's a fob a forward  operating base right that's the whole point.

of going out there is that you're learning how to  operate outside of a fob you know and then come. back and that's that's kind of developing that in  the psyche so when we go do what we do we kind of. get it right oh this is familiar you know so so  that's what we're doing well these slip knots. uh one one is on his iphone like at four o'clock  in the morning three o'clock in the morning i'm.

coming out of the hell box and i see and i look  and i go uh one's asleep and one's on his phone. just kind of doing whatever so i was like. okay so i go back into the hellbox which is the  instructor's you know area and i grab i grab a m4. paint rifle blue barrel and i light them  up right paying attention to their eyes.

and all these types of things i shot him in  the back of the calves kept everything low. there was a desk so any ricochets wouldn't hit  him in the face i i wasn't just completely yeah. you know so so but but i let them up and  they're standing there and i'm like so.

what's the most expensive thing that  you guys are protecting right now. you know this is a fob right and  they're like yes chief and i'm like okay. this is a fob and what's the most expensive thing  you're protecting on this fob and the guy's like. one guy goes the weapons another guy's like no  the demo i'm the demo instructor the demo and. i'm like guys we have absolutely failed you this  training has absolutely failed you i'd be pissed.

what about those guys that are sleeping in that  [ __ ] hut over there in case harm's way comes. what's to stop me from going in there and  killing every one of those dudes sound oh sound. really sir i grab a sharpie i take the lid off i  gotta follow me and i can draw a line across every.

other dude's necks while he's asleep i was like  go try it see how easy it is when they trust you. it's like i don't want to do that i was  like no you need to do it to see how easy. it is and you'll never forget it he goes  in he does it i was like well he's like. you could see the weight of it on him i was  like all right go on go to the beach grab your.

[ __ ] go to camp stupid you know what i mean  yeah grab two other dudes put them on watch. without saying [ __ ] to them without saying  [ __ ] these kids put watch on the watch. with a radio they set an op on the watch so that  they could now they're thinking like seals right. they put watch on the watch so they could  see and report what's going on they put.

early warning devices on the doors and windows  of the barracks so if you come in like knocks. [ __ ] over and like wakes everybody  up without telling them how you know. invariably you know how the uh anyway um so so so  those dudes were excited about that training point. they were like holy [ __ ] they were talking about  i thought all the buds was going to be like this.

i thought it was going to be like this the  whole time it's [ __ ] awesome right well. one of the one of the other guys heard it and  now understand i'm i'm not easy to be around. at this point i'm not yeah and i know it i knew i  was a ticking bomb it was only going to take the. that's why they stuck me on the [ __ ] island  i just put them on a [ __ ] island you know.

i was a ticking bomb i knew it i could feel  it like all it was going to take was the wrong. you know indiscretion you know somebody grabbing  a woman or or doing something and it was always. towards that it was never like i'm just gonna go  nuts it's always towards like injustice type stuff. like crime and these types of things and like  you know people it was always in a protecting. type of thing that was the biggest thing it  was always like i always wanted to protect.

and and that's what drove all of it  might not look like that but it was um. and so so and and my way of training people  yeah it's outside the box i said to this day. i still thought that was a really good  training point i think it is you know but but. but i i feel like because i think outside the  box on how that that training went i feel like.

we can have we can have a better product at  the end of the day and that just didn't fit. you know at the end of the day it just  didn't fit with what was going on around me. and that's that's on me my situational awareness  on how to be more additive to what was going on. was not there you know it's like it should be  like this you know let me show you yeah it's going. to be like this and it broke a bunch of rules  right so so they moved me over to atc um and um.

they they uh and and i did the combatives program  over at atc and now i'm really starting to have. some neurological stuff going on i can't lift my  arm like i'm having a hard time lifting my arm um. i lost 80 pounds of grip i'm down to 80  pounds of grip strength on this hand and then. like 220 on this one and and i'm like going what  i'm taking hard rights when i get out of chairs.

you know and falling and like losing  my balance i'm like what the [ __ ] is. going on and uh how the [ __ ] are you  gonna teach combatives in that condition. uh i didn't think about it at the  time it seemed like a good fit. all right basically once again let's put  him in the combatives room lock the door.

show up twice a day teach boxing in the morning  teach boxing uh in the afternoon to the platoons. and then like i helped write the striking the  standing striking portion of our combatives manual. and stuff like that right and um and it was great  you know it was fantastic i loved it it was great. then um there was a change of guard and and they  put me in maritime operations didn't work out so. well and i just kept focusing on the combatives  but i was too competitive for combatives and.

they didn't want me to teach it anymore so the  platoons did but the people running the show. didn't basically long story short somebody was  talking one of the instructors were talking in the. background while i was up there teaching i took  him i know it sounds i took a pattern i was like. hit him in the face with it and i was like  shut the [ __ ] up i'm teaching what are. you doing and then i went on about and and kept  teaching right it didn't work out so well like.

my my way of doing things on the east coast didn't  work on the west coast yeah uh very well so um. which is fine you know which is fine and  so so um what i wound up doing is i was in. maritime operations and i was being medically  discharged now now they had they had identified.

that uh at some point in my career um they're  like okay because all this [ __ ] that was. going on they're doing neurological tests on  the nerve tests and all these sticking these. needles in your arm to see if you're getting  conductivity and i wasn't and they're like okay. um and so in 2009 uh they identified that at some  point i had a fracture of my c5 vertebrae and.

and it was more than likely from the ied i don't  know but at some that's the main thing that i. think it could have been um but who knows because  there's so much yeah there's so much you know who. knows where it really was and and so in 2009 i had  neurosurgery to address a lot of these issues and. and to great success it was only supposed to  last dr twomey allen was his name and it was. only supposed to last like five to ten years and  i've been i'm still pretty damn good you know um.

god did a phenomenal job normally they go in the  front and they rip everything open and then they. solder everything up and but he had this new way  of doing things where you use these telescoping. rods that open up the space so he can perform the  surgery with you know so my recovery time was like. well would have been like um probably like  a month or something like that but but.

but it got infected so oh [ __ ] so i was just  gonna ask you if that was like immediate relief. but it was immediate relief it was like after  the surgery like like before the surgery he. pushed down on my on my elbow and it was just  like boom nothing after i could hold him like. i can hold him there he's like yeah nice yeah  and everything i was like yes it's fantastic. so they just had to dremel out some of the you  know because it grew back wrong it was never.

addressed it the bone grew up around the nerve  root or something like that in the foraminal space. and clamped it off so he  just had to go in there and. dremel out the bone and create the space so that  the signal could get through again it was great. so now i'm recovering from neurosurgery i'm on 13  different medications and and i'm but i'm still.

i'm sorry i messed up the timeline here because  i was still teaching i was still teaching uh. buds at this time because after that when  i was recovering i i started having this. pharmaceutically induced cardiac arrest on the way  oh [ __ ] and i remember yeah so that timeline's. off a little bit but you get the gist so so i  i remember i'm like i had come off the plane i.

just got there for the weekend and i was doing  the weekend watch for the for the class and. and i'm walking across the grinder and  then all of a sudden it was just like. boom and i fall on my back and i'm like and  i can feel it dude it's like i can feel it. and i'm sweating and i'm like [ __ ] and then  all the students come up to me they're like.

holy [ __ ] chief you look great what what's  going on i was like i'm dying you [ __ ] idiot. and and and they're like what do you  want us to do i was like nothing it's. okay you got plenty of witnesses here  that heard me say so don't do anything. because it was it was it was the first time and  it's the first time i felt relief it's the first.

time i felt like peace and i got to tell you like  and i know there's other people out there that. have felt this they ha it has to be because that's  kind of what the system does like the medical. system was doing at the time is is that they give  you so many pills that you don't feel anything or. and and that is infinitely  worse than feeling depression. like feeling nothing like absolutely nothing  no that's a complete disconnection of.

soul like it felt like to me it  felt like to me like i had used. felt like i i felt like a husk. like like an empty shell. and and.

and as i laid there i i was just  i was just like finally finally. i finally get to go that's that's what life was to  me let's i can finally get the [ __ ] out of here. maybe that's why i wasn't afraid yeah because  that was always there ever since i was 11. maybe it was always there still. and that's why it was just like so what like  that's why there was no maybe that's why.

i don't know you know but. i didn't die and i finally started  to feel something though it was fury. i was so like anger doesn't cover it. it was it was i was so.

enraged by by the people the system that was  in place that was killing me when i trusted him. to make me strong again to figure out what  was going on with me it's not their fault. it's not their fault i'm not blaming anybody  but that's what i felt right and and it was. i so i revolted against the system i got myself  off of all those [ __ ] pills which don't.

[ __ ] do do that [ __ ] with a doctor because  i started really having like psychotic type of. [ __ ] coming off those [ __ ]  mind-altering drugs right and and i was like. like like i get this brain buzz like getting  off of it it was the weirdest things dude like. suicide's like in the forefront  because everything's it's crazy. and that wasn't an option but but it  accelerated everything i had been feeling before.

and that's kind of when i found um doc potter at  you know i was like i had found doc potterette. earlier but that's where i really started to to to  re really open up to him like i don't know what's. going on this is that the other above uh you know  i had seen him when i first got out there because. it was continuity of of care kind of because we  had started doing something like that at still.

teammate there was a psychologist that was at  seal teammate that i was talking to that started. started that whole medication thing and um and  when i got to potter at um that was it was uh. that's when that's when it really started  to help i feel like like when i talked to. when i when i talked to doc potter at uh  he was the guy that that really started.

helping me hone in on he kind of let me go  do my own thing like like he just gave some. guidance along the way like he supported me  and me ferreting out in the new cmc that was. at trade at the time also i owe my life to  because because he afforded me and this is. this is kind of what happens in our community  you see it through all of your other guests.

there's blood in the water there's  blood in the water there's a seal. that's not doing the sealed job he's at  trade it and he's focused on you know. fixing something that's wrong with them and  they're after they're after they attack it. i don't know what that is in our community yeah  you know instead of supporting it and helping. people to get strong again not everybody because  there were some that did like that that master.

chief supported it and i'm glad he did because  it saved my life you know he's phenomenal i. i have nothing but love for that  man and and my family as well. what do you think it is about the community. i think maybe it's a um it's just i mean it's kind  of baked into the creation of the community about.

being hard and strong and going and performing  and performing if you can't perform get the. [ __ ] out of the way type thing you know what  i mean because we have a mission to accomplish. and it's not that it's wrong but but i  came from the east coast where i had a. pretty good reputation i think and and and nobody  even looked into that nobody even looked into what.

the the the resume so to speak like like nobody  even really knew nobody even dug deep enough to. to see what the [ __ ] going on with this guy  yeah in particular third phase chief you know he. he didn't like go who's this guy i'm getting what  what the [ __ ] making the ticket how can i help. him how can i help this guy that's coming to me  you know how can i help this other chief he was a.

senior chief yeah yeah how can i help this guy do  you think maybe everybody in a short duty position. is going through something like you and they  just don't [ __ ] care about anything could be. they're just couldn't be off all the time could  be very well could be maybe they're in their. twilight tour they're about to get out they don't  give a flying [ __ ] anymore they they they just. want to get the job done go home to their families  which i totally get yeah i totally get it you know.

but that that was the experience  there so i revolted against the system. i revolted against i didn't want to go in and talk  about my stuff like my negative [ __ ] anymore. you know i didn't want to go in and talk  about you know you know fill out the the the. the synopsis sheet for the new jo since my  the people i was talking to every two months.

rotate out and i have to restart all again you  know it's a training center after all balboa so. i just stopped you know and i started  to do things that made me feel better. i started to do things that made me feel better  in the past that i found effective for me in the. past for performance wise i want to get back into  like i want to get you know strong again and um.

because i was having a heart a sluggish time  coming out of the surgery and like as i was like. 290 pounds bro holy [ __ ] and i couldn't lose  weight i didn't know what was going on i was in. metabolic syndrome my adrenal system shut down  my thyroid took up the functions of my adrenals. nobody had done a nobody had done a hormone panel  on me um nobody had done a hormone panel on me.

that entire time it wasn't something that  we were doing and and so the first one i. had was when i got out i paid for it out  of pocket but but all of those things. i just i i just i started with rolfing do you know  what roughing is i don't i've heard you talk about. it but i still don't okay so it's like torture  but nobody asks you any questions because because.

when you so your muscles they operate  within a sheath you ever open up a. an orange and you see all the white stuff  inside that kind of holds the pieces of the. orange together the pieces of the orange that  film yeah that's that's fascia right and we have. that in our body rip beef jerky those fibers those  white kind of fibers yeah that's fascia okay so so.

we have that in our bodies and it holds the track  of where our muscles slide through it think of it. like a sheath for a sword okay okay well through  injury or repetitive use scar tissue can cause. that that sheath to adhere to the sword okay  and so what they do is they anchor the fascia. with an elbow a knuckle something hard  and with a lot of pressure they anchor it.

and they slowly move as you flex the muscle and  tear the scar tissue so that it can slide again. and the body can come back into  alignment it's pretty [ __ ] painful. right and but it on that on the back  end of it it's it's a tremendous um. it's a tremendous technique for increasing  performance ameliorating pain and and just.

you can you can literally have um emotions  come out because it's held the issues are in. the tissues right you've heard that before i'm  sure so so um from there i found acupuncture. and because acupuncture is what it is i started  finding out about yoga and meditation and i'm like. huh let me go try that out and and so i wound up  in bikram yoga and i was doing that like every. morning maybe twice a day sometimes and double  sessions and and i was like you know the first.

time i walk in there there's like this five-foot  woman on the stage and she's like if there's. anybody's first class i'm like mine and she's  like okay your whole goal is to not leave the room. and i'm like that sounds like my kind of  thing you know i mean so so so i'm in there. and i'm doing it and within like 20 minutes  i'm just like this puddle on the floor like on.

you know because there's so because you got  to understand it's like 100 what is it 120. degrees in that room damn something like that  and you're doing the yoga and if you push too. hard you're you're done you're done so over time  i got really good at that but i i still had this. i still had this thing that i was trying to  fix in my heart like like it was this vortex of. like it was just this emptiness right physically  i start i'm starting to get better and stronger.

um but but emotionally i'm still  stagnating in this in this place. you know and and i i start finding out about  fire infrared spectrum therapy flotation therapy. sensory deprivation tanks these types of things  reflexology i'm doing everything man like i'm on. a quest now now i'm on a quest i've had a glimmer  of you know experiences in the yoga where like i'm.

about to heat exhaustion out where i'm seeing  things and i'm like like having these um these. very profound events right and and so so i started  to i started to um uh that very same master chief. got me involved in and near the very end where i  was getting medically discharged because i never. came back up online i still have vestibular damage  on the nerve damage these types of things and.

if i come up from a dive i'm i'm i'm already like  age symptoms and [ __ ] you know what i mean so if. i come out of the back of a plane you know and  and i get dizzy i have a vestibular thing and i. run into somebody that's no good either right yeah  so so um it disqualified me and invariably it's. like okay let's just go like let's just get out  you know and um and so they they process me out. but in that process right there at the end master  chief had me go to this um this thing called tre.

which is tension release exercises where where  we actually initiate what's called a neurogenic. trimmer that you know systemically goes and and  works out injuries um by using this biomechanical. this biomechanical reaction that we  have as mammals all mammals have it.

and basically if after you've had a major  shock you know how people are shaking. yeah that's called a neurogenic tremor and that's  discharging stress from the system being a central. nervous system right does that work yeah no  [ __ ] yeah it works i'll run you through it. i'll run you through it  you know you'd be like what. um but for me and that's a longer that's a big  sidebar but um so so i found some effect in that.

and and so but while i was there more  importantly while i was at that training. i heard somebody talking in the corner about  this master shaman and i immediately was like. what did you say something about a master  shaman and they're like yeah is his name's don. diego he's out of peru and he has 160 000 acres of  protected rainforest that you go into and you know.

it's like a month long and you know  and i was like oh and it's ayahuasca. and you're doing ayahuasca ayahuasca is a very  powerful dmt type of experience a prolonged dmt. and i'm like that sounds like what i'm  supposed to like in my heart i was like. i could feel like i have to go do that i  have to go meet this shaman and so i did and.

and from that experience like the things that  i experienced there and this guy was a master. master like it's a very long story i could  probably write a book about it you know but. the books are already out there you know you know  um carlos castaneda's wrote them but but it's it's. very real he's very disciplined he makes you sit  up and meditate while you're doing it he's he's. and he's the real deal and invariably he  is the guy he is the guide that showed me.

showed me what's what truth is all about and that  truth guided me to this master that i studied with. today named nadine jeevan that teaches out of  the rama institute in los angeles so so this. guy's got 160 000 acres in peru it's not his okay  he was the protector of it so he gave it back to.

the people a long time ago he's no longer  he's no longer doing it there so but um so. you fast forward a little bit here and then i  found i found this system it's called kundalini. yoga and for me it the easiest way to describe  it it's a martial art for your mind and and it's. the science of prayer is what it is and it's all  based upon science so so it's a system that that.

utilizes so so if you think of if you think of uh  matter and in our reality it's all made of what. atoms atoms which are what electronic particles  right yeah electricity is measured in what.

frequency right so when you hear people say  frequency this is one of the things i want to. do is break down the stigma around when i say  you have to hit a certain frequency to do what. i'm talking about is power what else is measured  in frequencies radio waves sound very good sound. sound power sound power what our thoughts are  neurons electrical are our atomic structure.

synced with our sound unified with  our sound our breath is a what. if a frequency is a sine wave right no inhale  exhale inhale exhale right it's also a frequency. you see where i'm going here yeah  so we unify all what's our heartbeat.

a frequency yeah in more than one like how  many beats per minute is a frequency per minute. and the electrical charge those are all  frequencies the central nervous system. this is the wiring system for the whole thing you  see no it's not it's all science so if we learn. how to breathe at a accelerated frequency if we  expand our ribcage if we expand our capacity in.

our ribcage we develop the power of our diaphragm  we increase the partial pressure of oxygen in our. system at a frequency at a that that starts to get  a pulse going in the body that gets the glandular. system the pineal the hypothalamus the pituitary  all of those start secreting hormones because of. the the different frequencies that we have in  the body through the sound sound creates that.

our frequency of breath creates that vibration in  the body it gets the cerebral spinal fluid going. and then everything's unifying all of those  different frequencies we unify those frequencies. and that's where we start to have the bigger  experiences of life because we have increased the. partial pressure of oxygen we accelerate healing  we increase our ability to focus we have a higher. quality of thought if we have more power in the  system we have more power in the system of thought.

and in that more power of the system  thought it's a higher frequency of thought. right because it's fueled by more  oxygen we can have better focus. better discipline better everything we start  being able to sustain more in our lives because. we are consistent in our frequency of practice  that allows us to develop a mental capacity.

that can that can have an awareness that has the  uh awareness to realize what's not ours and what. is and now here's where i start breaking  off into the the higher levels of things. but but as we start to develop the awareness  that subconscious thought we gain a conscious. awareness of the subconscious thoughts that  don't serve us and then through this system.

because as we're realizing it that realization is  though is those thoughts leaving so if anybody's. getting ready to go do any type of psychedelic  experience or any or engage in a kundalini. yoga practice at the rama institute there's a  lineage there so i want to be very clear right now. is that is that there's a lot of different kung  fu's out there but only certain ones have a very.

powerful lineage that are really effective right  so what i'm learning at the rama institute in. los angeles from my teacher hari jeevan is by  far the most powerful form of meditation that. you can get there's a lot of different things that  there's a lot of different systems out there that. work okay and i've tried a lot of them i've tried  a lot of them for long for long periods of time.

because i was on this quest of  of of seeking all of this right. and this is by far the fastest can we go back for  just a second you were talking about getting rid. of the subconscious thought the conscious can you  oh yes so so so as we develop an awareness of the. subconscious thought that subconscious thought  will release things from our past into our.

conscious mind okay do you know what i'm saying  i do so so things that we've been holding on to. come up in the subconscious mind but the trick  is is to realize is that that's it leaving but. you don't even really know that they're [ __ ]  there you don't know a lot of times everybody. else might know yeah yeah you know like i've  had stuff come up from my childhood you know. abuse stuff these types of things and i'm going to  tell you something and this is why i went through.

all of this story with you so that i can get  to this point right now is is that those times. where there was an intervention we can through  this system we can absolutely and on this path. this whole path our life  experience our life experience.

it's it's laden with adversity so  that we can develop the strength to to. to use it to develop the strength that we need  to truly fulfill our purpose that we came here. for and for me military service and and all  of that stuff that i talked about was just the. the the beginning of what the  true purpose is i am a walking.

testament to the power of this system this lineage  of teachings that i now teach there's there's. there's things i've experienced in this that  that you you read about in books like master. i'm talking like i'm saying i'm a sane person i'm  just conveying what i have experienced to be true. and that is the why i am alive that is the why i  do what i do i use creativity now and we'll get.

into this in a minute but i use creativity now to  broadcast that and you're affording me the ability. to do that here you're allowing me to show what  is possible i am an example of what is possible. anybody that knew me and anybody  anybody that knew me in the past will.

be like i don't recognize that guy or i vaguely  recognize that guy i can be a testament to that. for sure it's i am the same person that person's  there i am that person you're witnessing. what you're witnessing is and i want to correct  that fallacy it's not that i'm not the same guy. it's that what you're seeing  is what is possible in one life.

the complete expanse of light and  darkness in one human experience. and i'm not even there a lot all like wait till we  see let's revisit this in five years watch watch. because what i've gained is this and there's  some really hard stuff to still go through. but it's a testament to.

to the power of this and what i've experienced. i've gained the ability to take  everything out of here and move it to here. when we have an event that occurs to us when  we have an event that happens to us in life. a lot of times we try to analyze why did this  happen how did this happen why can you know. there's a time for that but we have to and and and  we do need to analyze certain things at certain.

times but invariably in the case of trauma  we get stuck there and it's stuck in the head. and we never fully process it we we run away from  it we drink it we fight it we [ __ ] it we we eat. it we anything to do to to to outside of ourselves  to try to not see that to be that to own that.

and that's what the problem is nobody  teaches us how to look inside of ourselves. and the people that do teach  it they write off as hippies. or they write off as spiritual fanatics  or they try to discredit and say that you. know they've done all these horrible things  in their past yeah so did the 12 apostles.

you see all throughout history anybody that's  brought any type of enlightenment to the planet. they've been attacked so don't fall into  those traps don't fall into those traps. because those are all people external to  us trying to dictate our internal narrative. that's what all the fear broadcast is that's what  all of the look like this be like this have to. attain this that's what all that [ __ ] is to keep  you distracted so that you go through life without.

ever realizing who you truly are and what your  true power is because holy [ __ ] if you realize. what your true power is all this pain goes away  all the fear goes away all the hate all the. judgment all of it goes away and you  realize that all those and you've heard this. you've heard this from masters and you start to  realize that all of those other people are you.

they're us with just different layers of  experience on them different tones of life. and that's that's the journey. to experience that life that life force that  very thing tune into that very life force.

that we are the core of that and follow that  that's all internal that's all internal work. that's the martial art that's the chi that's  the kundalini that's the power that's the force. and that's what i teach is how to find it.

i try to replicate my journey and not just the  veterans and in with one of your subscribers. but but it's not just the military i'm on a  journey for all this is a journey of all for all. by all of us. because. and and and i wasn't always this way i had i  had i had started down this thing and i did this.

thing with the shaman and i found this master i  found this master and this is this is real this. absolutely happened to me i'm going to share  something with you there'll be skeptics out there. to be honest with you that's fine it's always  there's always going to be skeptics you know. the guy talked about being on all these drugs he  might not be stable he might be right no no man.

this is absolute truth and  i'm going to share this story. there's so many of them like this is one of  you got to understand this is this is the. first experience i had but it was by far not  the last so much so that has become the normal.

it has become the normal the new  landscape of what reality is to me. and it's there for everybody it's there  right now i'm not asking anybody to believe. anything right off the get-go i'm not asking  anybody to believe i don't work in beliefs. i don't i work off of experiences this is a system  of experiencing oneself that's it right and so.

i and now we're into the stage where we talk  about the power of what is possible when we. start to implement this lineage of kundalini  yoga that i've learned at the rama institute. the first class i ever went to i'm laying there  and they play this gong like like so so like you. said everything's made of atoms right so nasa did  you listen to this did you listen to this the song.

oh the nasty the nasa thing i couldn't get it  to work yeah i tried i couldn't get it to work. all right i'll play it for you after we get down  here are you on spotify or anything yeah i don't. have so anybody out there listening if you're on  apple itunes or spotify or something like this. nasa has recorded sounds of atomic  vibration the electromagnetic field.

of an atomic vibration of planets of the  cosmos you can listen to this just google. nasa symphony just nasa symphony and  it'll probably populate your search bar. all right they say sound doesn't travel  through space but it actually does. and nasa has recorded it and and tuned it to  a level that we can hear with our ears right.

so atoms vibrate the vibration makes a  certain sound that sound of the cosmos. that nasa has recorded sounds almost identical  to what you get from a gong when properly played. by a kundalini yoga teacher in this lineage  right so when my when my master huddy jeevan.

plays the gong it sounds like the vibration  of the cosmos it's almost like you're like. holy except that it's been around for  10 000 years yeah you know what i mean. you see what i mean yeah and so and so how's that  coming to play talk to any of the team guys that. have been in my live shops on on what happens when  that's played properly they'll tell you but for me.

my first experience with it i'm laying there and  it felt like it felt like a lid like the lid of. like a a pot or something fell open on the top of  my head and all this cool air started coming in. into my body i i oh [ __ ] trust me i'm a team guy  and i'm in such a space to where i'm sitting there.

like all these people are wearing  turbans and everything and i'm like. i'm very uncomfortable but i'm getting over my  own [ __ ] and like they they may have something. i have to find out you know what i mean no  i laid there and this gong's being played. and i'm just like ah you know what i mean and and  then this person comes up and whispers next to me. you're gonna spread this energy  across the globe and i'm like.

and nobody's [ __ ] there dude it was like they  whispered it in my ear i [ __ ] you not i'm like. i get done i can't drive for like two hours i feel  intoxicated i'm like i can't [ __ ] drive like. what the hell just happened i was like i finally  found it i knew i found it now i knew i had found. what i was looking for i was like what was that  and i go up to the teacher and i'm like i'm like.

look you have this teacher training coming up like  i want to i want to go to this teacher training. they're like you don't want to go here she may  have even waved her fingers with this jedi thing. i i swear dude i'm like i can't make this up  and she's like she's like you don't want to. come here for training you want to go see honey  jeevan and i'm like hadith dagobah system got it.

and uh and so i go in and there's like  i thought there was a couple of turbines. before now everybody's got turbines the  instructor's got turbines i'm like i'm like. i'm sitting up against the back wall like my  back in a corner like i got a bad right you know. my back's in a corner i'm like [ __ ] watching  everybody and [ __ ] just kind of observing and. they're like okay and we do this exercise about  the fire and we start we start doing the thing.

the teacher stops looks at me never  met this person before in my life. this is absolute truth bro you see that i'm  like no this is absolute truth this isn't. some illusion this is like me and you right  now no this person stops looks at me and says.

you'll spread this energy across the globe. and i'm like you know i just start going into  and i was like boom i'm here i'm done and. like and everything took off from there  as far as teaching and everything and so. those types of events had become commonplace. they become commonplace and what i've  learned in the last eight years eight.

plus years of teaching now and practicing this  is that is that there's a whole other reality. and it's and it's right it's right there it's  right there it's existed in all times of our. experience in life it's something that we cannot  be separate from and that's what causes pain.

that's what causes the pain  because it's always there. and the pain is is that we know that there's  something there somewhere we know something's. there but we don't know how to get to it  so we ignore it we learn how to ignore it. we learn how to not listen we learn how to  not hear we learn we learn how to not live.

the system is so powerful. and so effective. that it can take the most debilitating pain.

and make you grateful for it.

my son. the one i took emergency custody of. passed away. and. and what i've realized is.

is it was. one of the most profound blessings. that. can exist. invariably that's the very thing i tried  to save him from he succumbed to and um.

he passed away from a lethal dose of fentanyl. and what i saw. in the system of meditation  as i processed that grief. was.

just an answer of of of a question i had always  been asking but never knew i was asking it. could i love. was i able to.

because. as i was able to move all of the noise in the  mind of why into here and just bare myself. to the experience of that pain of a pain bitten.

indescribable. limitless blessing of pain. that i realized that that grief  was an aspect of love and an answer.

a resounding answer of yes i felt it. and as i continue to go along and. with that gift because because of that gift  i realized the profound nature of his life.

we have the inherent ability when we  achieve a certain level of consciousness. to where we are no longer. we are no longer in a reactive passive going  through life type of situation we're now actively.

controlling life. not. what's happening out here in life but life. our life force.

through this journey. in these meditations we can revisit. well it will happen it's a byproduct  we don't have to try to do it. things will come up from our past i see the child  the alone child i always felt the presence as that. child i remember what i talked about i always  felt the presence of god i've always connected. to that i've also had a connection that didn't  match what the the religious teachers were saying.

it was different they were teaching me that  there's a separation between me and god but. i didn't feel that separation. i never felt that separation. and what my teacher has guided me  to through this specific lineage.

is that experience in time  every moment exists at all times. like a book if you can you can flip to the  beginning of the book you can flip to the. end of the book but when you hold that book every  aspect of time in that story exists at all times.

in that book timelines are the same thing and  we can sit in one and visit another in our minds. that's what memories are. so can you access that i can.

we all can. and it happens naturally in a meditative state  things will come up and when we have gained that. ability to broadcast unconditional love when we  gain that ability to broadcast unconditional love. into and over these memories in our mind we  rewrite our perceptions of what those memories are.

and when we rewrite the perceptions of what  the memories are the whole foundation begins to. come to a higher level. and then our lives go from. man i had this [ __ ] up ass childhood  i had all this [ __ ] happened to me two.

i had everything i absolutely needed to become. a manifestation of the purpose in this life. and that's going to be completely different. in myriad in nature for every life across  the spectrum and then we get to pick. and choose and then as we start to have those  experiences the external will completely change.

it will completely change to reflect the  attainment that we have within ourselves. i'm a walking example of that. i'm a walking example of that of a guy that  kirk parsley the medical the group medical. guy got on stage at marcus's event for vets a  couple of weeks ago said that i was the worst.

case of operator syndrome that he's ever met  that he'd ever seen he didn't know what to do. to fast forward to where i'm sitting  in front of this guy that i spent. hundreds of hours in front of  talking trying to figure things out.

and i'm sitting like i hadn't seen him for a  long time i saw him out in town we're talking. and i told him you know i was he had no idea he  had no idea who he was talking to he said he kept. trying to place it he couldn't figure out who  he was talking to who's who is this guy i can't. figure out who this guy is and  when i told him he was floored. and so we started together to try  to replicate what i had experienced.

this isn't recent this is back in 2000 the end of  2012 or something like that i i was already out. but that's that's just from the beginning of it. didn't recognize me. if i didn't have this if i didn't  have this practice i couldn't have had.

i couldn't have had the ability and there's a much. and i am making this succinct because there's  there's a lot of things that did occur. through the processing of my son's  death that continue to occur that.

that. will reserve for another time but. are the types of things that that you truly  read about in books and it's become the norm. like i i it's become the normal it is the normal  well can can you i gained an ability i i saw. i saw things i experienced things.

i experienced things that went from my  mind into in corroboration with nature. because i'm sitting in the mountains  of san diego at the seafort ranch. beautiful land beautiful place to heal if there's  anybody in our community like reach out to those.

guys because there's something enchanted about  that land it's incredible the c4 ranch you've. heard the c4 foundation yeah yeah i've not  been there i've heard about it it's good um but. went out there to process this and i was in  meditation for like five six hours you know and. and just learning sitting with my  son you know communing with my son.

and and there's a lot of corroborations  between what was happening here and what was. happening out here in nature um and that's  as deep as i'll go into it for now but but. at the end of the day.

at the end of the day just know that there is a  system in a way for anyone no matter where you're. at to find absolute truth within yourself that  that will fuel that will be become the fuel of.

of a a purpose that that you can't  be in to begin to even comprehend. the expansiveness of the whole the whole trick  of life the whole not trick but the whole purpose. is to experience the infinite within the finite  right we want to experience the infinite within. the finite and it begins with our life force you  know it begins and ends with our life force right.

we get so many breaths on this  planet we want to be make sure. that those breaths are quality breaths and  by ensuring that they're quality breaths. we're going to ensure that the  vehicle taking us through this journey. is going to last us for as long as we need to be  able to fulfill the purpose that i'm referring to.

because it because when it's done it's  all about how much love did you spread. that's the game how much love did we spread. in this experience i found that i can be.

you know we talked about like what do i do after  all this service and everything what do i do. like what's my purpose now. the realization is is that i can be infinitely  more effective using the power of creativity. the source of creativity to affect life.

if i understand that the destructive power  that i wielded in the past is just as important. without without without  shadows your picture is flat. there's no form we have to have  shadow we have to have the negative. it's a polarity it's a simple it's a very simple.

concept we have for power to  flow we have to have polarity. and we draw from both and i think that's  where we go wrong in our community. i think we're reactive instead  of proactive we don't have to be. but we are we cultivate this destructive  force over and over violence of action.

violence of action violence of action right we  unleash that on the battlefield to great effect. we eradicate the enemy we leave the  battlefield the sounds of war die down. externally they turn up internally and that  destructive force remains there's no enemy so.

we create one within ourselves and then all  that destructive force starts attacking it. that's what's going on. that's a war fighter's mindset. a war fighter takes action based upon inflicting  or driven by fear and destruction a warrior.

a warrior does everything from love. is driven by love. harnesses both the power  of destructive and creative. becoming not twice as powerful  but infinitely more powerful.

because they're using all they're using the full. polarity i'm not saying there's not a place  for destroying to the contrary it's necessary. because there's beauty on the other side of it. which i hope i've articulated  in one of the stories earlier. the.

you know what the irony is we model  ourselves after these societies. that all inherently knew this to  be true about a warrior's ethos. the american indian with  nature and staying in commune. the spartans the samurai.

you see but somehow somewhere along the way. we decided we'd been we've allowed ourselves to be  programmed that that side of things doesn't serve. if i say mindfulness if i say  meditation if i say breath work. if i say spiritual if i say god.

love how does that make anybody listening  to this right now feel that's it exactly. it's a gps so you know where you're  at on the scale there's only one scale. you know this right yeah there's only one scale. unconditional love and fear it's antithesis.

everything else grows from  those or dies from those. it's the polarity it has to exist so if you don't  want great calamity don't wish for great blessings. because that's where they come  from right they come from that. because that gives you the strength  that gives us the strength to go from.

pulling out of this it's like resistance  training from pulling out of this and all the. gifts you attain by gaining the ability to do so  so that you are in a tuned machine of prosperity. on a journey of absolute purpose. that's what i teach i teach  what my teacher taught me.

teaches me. it's profound it's profound and it's  the it's been the catalyst for for. no matter what the the situation  is we've had a lot of death.

mike coke hit heart. but even then there's an understanding we  walk into this arena and that can occur. people that have been close to me family  members my grandmother raised really raised me. a lot like showed me some core the core values of  spirituality wrapped in a religious structure but.

but showed me art showed me these things guided me  to these paths where my mother couldn't you know. and when she passed away. but when we lose a child when a child passes.

for me there's no there's been no greater anguish. and i know it sounds crazy but  i i i am so grateful for it. because it liberated me from trying. to gain anything externally it liberated me.

it showed me like like that  that processing that continual. processing of that which i will  be processing my entire life. is that it showed me that. everything and i know.

you hear it all the time because  because somebody's trying to get through. but we're just hitting we're hitting walls but but. but that everything that we need is inside of  us and by truly unders learning how but nobody. shows us how to do it again but the people that  do show it you know other people try to discredit.

but it's all there inside of each one of  us we just and we don't have to believe. we just have to remember. and so i go from. i go from all of the things you've heard and  since my son's passing and i've been working.

in film and television for a while now and i'm  sure we'll talk about that a little bit but. but it's kind of an irrelevance but. but i go from all of those  things to by having this. milestone.

this passing this rebirthing. everything externally just has it's everything  anybody ever [ __ ] wants as far as success goes. what the [ __ ] else do you want. and that's an outlet that's that's a perfect  example of look at the timing of it when you. go back and look at like the timing of  when everything hit from hit hit for me.

you know as a director and an actor. it was when my son passed away. because what that gave me is  literally i'll be there on set and and. i'm connected to him through like i feel it  now and it's not me it's not me that that's the.

problem like everybody goes that's my idea that's  my thing my i did this no man it's it's existence. we did the work to get out of the [  __ ] way and allow existence to happen. to allow expansion to happen yes we  did that but that end result that's us.

not me be gentle with  yourself don't judge yourself. right maybe there's something you want to  stop doing maybe you want to stop masturbating. maybe you want to stop drinking maybe you want  to stop being so [ __ ] angry maybe you want. to stop thinking about something start  start start the practice and that stuff.

you'll fall back you'll fall back you'll fall just  keep going that doesn't mean stop just keep going. and be gentle with yourself that's not that's not  uh uh uh hey i can keep [ __ ] up you know card. but you have to you have to find the truth  within yourself that you're actively truly. trying and moving that and that's what  i do is i guide people into that truth. and as they start to have an experience of that  truth they develop their own internal barometer on.

where that navigation is  they learn how to navigate. then they learn how to see the obstacles  then they know oh [ __ ] i did it again okay. keep going don't attach to it don't attach to any  type of label or thing no you're on the journey.

you're on the journey keep going on the journey  and keep working diligently consistently. above all else there is no higher purpose  than the seeking of truth within oneself. there is no higher purpose we can make the  body strong we can make the mind strong. we maintain a lot of money a lot of women  a lot of men whatever the [ __ ] it is.

we can attain all these things  but at the end of the day. nothing is higher than the than the  discovery of truth within oneself. of the nature of things and it's already there. you just got to remember you  got to remember how to remember. and then you got to remember  how to remember to remember.

because you'll get it and then you know ah [ __ ]  i was there and oh now i uh why am i not there now. no just keep going it'll come back it's  always there that book remember yeah. so the book so when you say the  timeline you know the whole everything's. i'm not very good at explaining  this when you say the timeline. you know it's all in a book it's already  been written is is it easy for you to.

go back and access so here's the portion here's  the thing i don't i don't actively try to go. back and look at [ __ ] okay this happens as a  natural byproduct in my meditation for example. the presence i felt when i was 11 in that  story i told i put that experience i've had.

of that light within me of that life force  within me as that limitless source of creativity. and i'm observing that child and when that child  asks for a sign i'm the one that sends the deer.

does that make sense it does when you  when these things come up these the. from the past or these uh we talked about  visions a little bit last night at dinner. are you and then you come out of it you know out  of the the meditative state do you are you this. is one of my classes actually i think i think  i know where you're going sorry go ahead do you.

spend time wondering what the meaning  of that was or why that came up. or are you just i used to it's it's do you  just appreciate the fact that it happened. i used to and and then i talked to my teacher  about it that's what teacher is for is to kind. of guide you how to figure out your own [ __ ]  right that's the whole point you know i don't. want people depending upon me i want people to  to take these teachings and learn them from an.

experiential base of truth for themselves and then  replicate that to other people that's the game. i'm not training students or disciples or  anything nonsense i'm teaching teachers. that's the whole thing that's  going on on the planet today. you know that's why everything's going nuts is  because that's what that whole you know they say. the whole 2012 thing you know the whole you know  into the world all that type of [ __ ] or was that.

2000 was that 2000 2000 was that 2000 or 2012.  well now it's pretty much every year yeah okay. yeah yeah exactly yeah see it's all changed now  yeah the reality's changed it used to be this big. looming thing right what's going on i wonder  what's going to happen yeah you know in 2012 or. whatever you know the mayan calendar ends on 2012  right oh was it i was thinking y2k yeah yeah so.

man some people cashed out on that one didn't they. your clock on your computer is going to [ __ ] the  bed oh no none of your software is going to work. uh anyway sorry um but yeah like the mayan  calendar ends that was an end of an age that. was an end of a dark age and now we're  moving into a different age and that's.

why everything since 2012 has gone [ __ ] haywire  is because we our consciousness think about this. our consciousness is is is attuning to. a new a new era right and inherently  we understand inherently we know that. we know that it's it's what's and so if we  don't action that think of it like a wave if we.

don't get on top of that wave we're going to get  crushed by it right and that's what you're seeing. you can either ride that wave learn  how to swim or you're going to. get crushed and drown right there's no  like it's written about in the bible.

any major sorry not just the bible but any major. you know religious text talks about the end of  times right yeah and that's what's happening. because the end of times are the one like  everything up to that point is is the. is the which way is it you're going to go when  that time comes so as reality diverts towards.

dark and light which way which way  are you attuning yourself because i'm. telling you from a place of experience that we  absolutely have the power to write our reality. you've heard tons of people talk about that right. but i'm the type of guy that shares a teaching  that shows you how but at the end of the day.

you've got to practice it i'll  show you how i'll show you how. but you have to practice  the way i'm telling you to. or not it's your choice it's  your life it's your ride. yeah but i'm telling you this if you do  find the ability to be able to pursue.

what it is i'm telling you to pursue and the  frequency that i'm telling you to pursue it. brother. beyond beyond what you can imagine  just and it's and i'm not always there. i'm not always there but i'm  there more and more frequently. and when i'm not there guess what i have  tools and techniques to put me right back.

and it's. my life has become an absolute blessing. and it comes from just complete abandonment of. a natural abandonment because there's no room  for it of any type of victimized mentality.

any type of and this isn't all this  is let me just be perfectly clear. this isn't about turning the other cheek i'm  not saying that but people will take it that way. it's not what i'm talking about i'm talking  about drawing from all power sources.

the power source the power the all the  everything the alpha omega it's it's it's there. can have it just gotta learn how to remember  how to have it and then it's okay to have it.

there's no shame. shame. so if somebody wants to start this start this this  journey what's what is what is step number one.

when a seal comes to you okay that  changes the whole spectrum of things. okay yeah a seal if a seal wants to start  this journey yeah that's easy just contact me. contact me directly info vitalwarrior.org  for anybody else what's step one.

you have to okay so all throughout time. all throughout time there's always been a  teacher right right yeah christ muhammad buddha. confucius. you know what i'm saying yeah so so. all throughout time there's been  a teacher and we have to develop.

the ability to recognize our teacher. you have to find your teacher in order for you  to find your teacher when the student is ready. the teacher will appear heard that  before yeah i have that's what it means. there's many masters walking this planet. i personally have been.

i've met too. but there's many and and. we have to develop ourselves we have to purify  ourselves we have to do what we now know we can. do to improve our lives i don't care where you're  at somewhere inside of you knows the direction.

there's an intuitive thing i'm going to eat better  i'm going to drink more water i'm going to pray. i'm going gonna help do  something nice for somebody today. see what happens.

with the understanding that  you're seeking your teacher. read there's a couple of  books that will help guide you. okay there's a couple of  books one is the duet of one. and it's kind of it kind of unfurls that  way these people khalil gibran right.

the alchemist. you know is a great book the way of the peaceful  warrior is another great book as you start to. engage in actively reading those things you're  opening yourself up you're starting to change what. you're putting in we're holy people we have nine  holes right our eyes our nose our ears our mouth. our anus and our genitals right we have nine holes.

we have to be careful what goes in and  out you know so what we're watching what. we're hearing what we're eating what we're  smelling what we're tasting you know all. these types of things we have to be careful  of what is occurring we have to be vigilant. we have to be vigilant of thought how  how do we do that i'm so glad you asked.

the way we're vigilant thought is when we have  a thought come up that we don't want to have. we have to develop the awareness that we're  actually having the thought when we develop. the awareness that we're having the thought  and we don't want to have that thought mantra. there's a lot of different  mantras you know you can do. you can do that you can do y go you can do sat  nam truth is my identity you can use whatever.

whatever is a mantra it's a  powerful one victory is another one. something that changes the  frequency of the neural network. that's what we want to do the breath  breathe [ __ ] breathe you have to dedicate.

to a higher quality of breath anytime we start to  get stressed or depressed notice what you're doing. with your breath notice what's happening with  your breathing you it's been around since i was. i've been on this planet and before take a deep  breath count to 10. right change your breathing. so anytime we're stressed or depressed a lot  of times we're either clamping on our lungs or.

you know or we're breathing very  shallow if at all when you get stressed. how many times today did you see me  breathe through emotion well part of you. you know what i mean. re-channel it right so so breathe that's  that's that's the one breathe breathe.

change the breath play with that there's  a lot of technology in this system. um if you're in los angeles  come to the rama institute. see myself. hey whatever i will so and and see  what happens again you keep going bro.

you got to have the open cup though because  there is some stuff in here that you're like. like all that stuff i articulated about how i felt. every freaking team guy feels guarantee it and  then they get done with the class and they're like. oh [ __ ] what the [ __ ]. and then sometimes it scares  them they won't call it that.

but it unlocks [ __ ] it's like oh  you're ready for your weights here you go. i don't want to look at that [ __ ] right. they're seeing the stuff but they haven't  developed the ability to transmute it. right but they see it why is this stuff coming up  why is this stuff coming up because it's leaving.

or it's presenting you with an opportunity  to see it under a different light. from where you are now in your  growth you know that's interesting. and then a lot of times guys run  no run this is by far don't let me. create any disillusions this is by far  the hardest thing i've ever done by far.

you can stay in the matrix. i'm telling you the other side of this  thing is pretty uh pretty wonderful. that sounds like it. that is man i can look i can look at my  daughter and i just see i see god in her.

you know. and the the biggest gift it just  it's multiplicative it's exponential. so when i impart what my teacher's shown me  through my filter of the experience of it right. and then it sticks in a student and that student  starts working with something that they're.

they're like and then they get done with  a class and when they you see it you can. feel it because there's that there's that life  connection going on same as in the combat right. and it's like. it's a reciprocation of everything  of everything like when they see when. you see it unlocking a student it's just it  just it's like it's the true service of god.

when you see someone realize it for themselves. that's i mean you want rewarding like yeah. and then when you can unlock it see  it you can unlock it in your children.

you give them and that's where i think you  know in our in the sealed community it's like. if i would have had this as a seal i would  have been so much more effective so much. it's called the yoga of awareness come on we're  always talking about situational awareness yeah. and increasing and it's all about increasing  your lung capacity so you have a higher quality.

and higher partial pressure of oxygen so  you can think better make better decisions. have more acuity. and and invariably you build up you  build up a resistance to you know. stress you have tools that we can  give these men at the ground level. that will help them ameliorate stress and we're  not doing it why the [ __ ] are we not doing it.

why. why are we waiting until after a whole. a whole 20 years and then we're going oh you're  all [ __ ] up here you go yeah have a good life. hopefully somewhere out there in  the teams they take care of you.

depending on who you know yeah. but we can absolutely include i call it  mental disciplines within the warrior ethos. why can't we include that in our  pipeline just basic tools at buds. if i would have known this as an instructor  i absolutely been slipping that [ __ ] under. the wire like try this [ __ ] out guys  that's how i've been punishing them.

hold it hold it keep breathing you know what  i mean yeah that would have been their thing. they got done be like i don't feel like  i got my ass kicked i feel pretty good. who knows what'll happen one day right you know  maybe you're gonna get packaged in such a manner. that it serves our mission well i hope it does  i hope it does too i hope it does too because.

i think we'd see a lot less of what we're seeing  now i think we'd see a lot more love between. members of our community i think we'd see a lot  more support of one another within our community. and understanding and compassion  compassion is not weakness.

somewhere along the way people  cross their wires on that [ __ ]. you know. anyway let's take a break it  felt pretty encompassing know. what's going on patreon.

join me on vigilance elite patreon  for our live video teleconference. all right so this will be the uh last segment  want to dig into kind of what you got going on. now with especially when it comes to call of  duty how'd you get into that you know all that.

good stuff [ __ ] i don't know i mean it's only  the the biggest video game franchise in the world. that's crazy man um so you heard all  the other stuff you know it's like. um should i tell the transformer story. yeah i don't know all right i'll tell the  transformers sorry so so around that 2000.

uh 10 time frame you know i was starting to  find meditation and all that type of stuff right. i was on i had just really started on this  kind of quest so it was still really awkward on. you know kind of how everything worked but  i knew the meditation stuff worked for me. i didn't know really the science of the  meditation i just knew i had to sit down. it was i think it was after the shaman though  it might have been after the shaman but so.

i get a call and they're like hi um i work with  this group i don't want to really name names but. i'm really grateful for these people um and and  we're doing a production called transformers and. i was wondering if you'd be interested in coming  in and being a part of our team to you know kind.

of do some tactics in the in the film i was like  that sounds like fun you know i wasn't i wasn't. thinking like oh i i remember i started you know  i i you know i wasn't thinking anything about i. was like that just sounds like fun like hanging  out with a bunch of team guys on a movie and. okay yeah let's go you know i wanna that sounds  like fun and um so i went in we did the thing. it's my first time ever being on a set  right and uh i see michael bay walk by.

this transformers three and i see  michael bay walk by and michael's like. he walks past me and he goes he goes he's like  doing something he looks holy [ __ ] what the. [ __ ] did they call you i was like hooch he's  like [ __ ] perfect he goes you want to be an. actor and i was like yes sir and he goes all right  come here and he goes wait a minute can you act.

and i was like he's a [ __ ] director  don't you have to be the judge of that. he's like fair enough come here and  dude they started putting a mic on me. and and i don't know if you remember have  you seen the movie transformers three. i've seen a couple of them okay so so there's  this movie where there's this big bald [ __ ] with.

a rocket launcher and a milk core and and the  the whole building's falling over and this worm. you know is like crushing the building and  the whole thing's collapsing it's really. it's really cool i think they got a they got a  nomination or a vfx nomination for that one and um. and so i'm standing there and all of a  sudden i got like really nervous and i. didn't [ __ ] know why you know i mean i was just  like my heart starts beating i'm sweating i'm like.

what the [ __ ] and and and then it hit  me right and then it hit me i was like. holy [ __ ] i wanted to do this as a kid i  remembered i had completely forgotten about. the glee club kid all that [ __ ] buried that  glee club kid and in that one moment it was like.

wham this was like a dream that you had  like i was a huge fan of the transformers. franchise when i was a kid you know i had all the  toys i was i was into it i was deep into it and. watch the cartoons every time it came on and um  and i'm sitting there this building's tilted and. i had to sprint down this this building because  they had the whole floor was like on this gimbal. and they'd lift up the whole floor so that  everything would fall and [ __ ] like that.

they built a whole skyscraper floor for this  thing right no [ __ ] yeah yeah and playa vista. and then they had like it would  lift up and so we'd all do our thing. and i remember remembering and i was like holy  [ __ ] it felt like i was being choked out right. he goes okay when i call action you're gonna  sprint down there you're gonna look out the. the thing and like be really nervous i was  like okay he goes action and i run down.

there i [ __ ] spread out the thing and i and i'm  like and i had some some lines he gave me lines. right and i was supposed to say the building's  teetering then i lean out and i'm like the. building's tiltering [ __ ] he's like  you can't say [ __ ] it's a kid's show. he knows i'm nervous right like he's like  go back to one and then and then uh you know.

tyreese gibson just starts laughing and  [ __ ] shia labeouf starts laughing and. everybody's [ __ ] laughing right i'm like ha  ha laugh at the [ __ ] big guy all right fine. you know laugh at the first timer it's easy  target you know and he goes he goes okay. and action i go i run down there and then i say  i he goes i go what was that [ __ ] line again.

he's laughing at this point and he he's like. he goes the buildings you know what just say  they're shooting at the building and i was like. that's that's a stronger choice i think that's a  stronger choice mr bae yeah and and i [ __ ] go. back up and i'm like in my head i'm like going man  i'm [ __ ] this up i'm [ __ ] this up i don't want. to [ __ ] this up i i kind of want to do this [  __ ] you know and i [ __ ] go down there and dude. something just kind of clicked and i was like  and like i'm i could see [ __ ] like all the.

stuff started coming back you know from when i was  a kid like like it and i'm like whoa and like i'm. doing [ __ ] like that when and i'm reacting  to this [ __ ] big [ __ ] thing and i'm like. looking around he's like [ __ ] yeah you know he's  like yeah now [ __ ] towards the camera a little. more and i [ __ ] listened and i did what he said  he's like he goes cut [ __ ] dude he's like yeah.

he goes come here do this do this i was hired as  a special ability extra to be in the background. you know and and and he made me a principal in  the film he gave the other guys contracts too. you know and he was just a big supporter he's just  a great supporter of military and like like people. that wanted to get into the industry he like  really helped and so i got to tell a story um.

this is the first this was a pretty profound  moment for me and and you know how i told the. story about how in combat i felt that  ultimate search of purpose and like. you know like when i came home i was like well  what the [ __ ] am i going to do now like what. what compares to that like nothing's going to  compete like it's all over you know what i mean um. but but um but there i was it was  chicago in the middle of the summer.

baking heat and i showed you the picture i  look like 200 like 260 pounds at this point um. i got a rocket launcher on my back an at4 and  uh a milk or a grenade launcher you know the i. think you got a picture of him you're carrying one  in one of these pictures somewhere um anyway um. so i'm carrying this thing and and i see  this kid probably about 150 meters off like.

like just looking at the like the crowd was  cordoned off like they had everything blocked off. because we're blowing [ __ ] up and it was cool  run down the street shooting i mean pretty cool. experience right guys are dropping in and you know  their parachutes are catching on fire from the. explosives are like damn and uh it's a really  cool experience and we're making believe we're. shooting at all these big robots that aren't  there and it was it was fantastic right it was.

a really cool experience that that that was not  not the one that we talked about last night but. um but uh i remember seeing this kid right and and  he's standing there and our eyes lock and i'm like. you he's like four he's like.

mom you know any any any points and i start  walking over to him and i get as i get. closer he's getting more and more like  catatonic dude he's like just like. oh you know i grab him i pick him up i was  like you enjoying the show i got like blood. and [ __ ] on me i got like dirt and i'm sweaty  i'm soaked through i'm completely saturated. and he's just like whoa i look at the mom and  that's the first time i noticed that they're.

probably homeless they're probably homeless  people right and her tears are streaming down. and and it's cleaning it's cleaning the dirt  off her face man i look over at the father. he's right here he's crying too same thing he  breaks out this little wind-up camera and he's. like can we take a picture and i'm like you're  not gonna put this on your facebook page right. and he's and the kids like kids not answering.

and and the mom's like you have no idea  how much this means to us thank you so much. and as she was saying that dude it was like a [  __ ] thor landing wham i saw the chick in iraq. like like look at this i'm like i'm like i  saw i saw the woman in iraq and and i was like. and in that moment i realized i was like i can use  creativity to affect people like i did destruction.

and that was that was like i  had a conversation with my wife. we were still down in san diego when  this was going on i was like hey hon. what do you think if i like pursue  this acting thing and she's like. i think i think you should you know is  that what you want to do i was like it's. going to be hard it's gonna be [ __ ] hard it's  gonna be a lot of me still traveling again and.

and but but i'm never gonna quit this is  gonna we're gonna be trying till we die. you know are you are you down for  that journey and she's like she's like. okay let's do it she's a great woman she's  she's been through all that [ __ ] yeah. like and stayed barely sometimes barely sometimes  but she did you know stubborn stubborn czech.

women like german check i love her want to  shake your shirt over don't join as much. but i love her like she's she's. she's amazing you'll love her when you meet her so. um so one thing led to another i um you know i  was in transformers four i picked up a tv show.

uh um uh these little you know co-star roles  and tv shows those co-stars started turning. the guest stars the guests started starting  turning and reoccurring recurring guest stars and. i have a series coming out actually on netflix uh  after the first of the year oh no [ __ ] yeah yeah. can you talk about it or um i don't know yes huh  i don't think so yet because it's not out yet okay.

but um uh well congratulations thank you i could  look something up real quick hold on if it's on. imdb. then we can talk it's called the lincoln lawyer. okay okay and it is in post-production right  now the new show the netflix show yeah the new.

show the link is called the lincoln lawyer  it'll be on netflix and it just says 2022. but it's on here so like anybody can access it so  i guess i can say something about it can't tell. you what or what character and all these types  of things but it's a i'm in there let's just say. and um and so um that's the latest  i think that's the latest release.

i don't know i think the last biggest  thing was the mayans season 2 of the mayans. which is a spin-off of sons of anarchy fantastic. you know cast and crew on that  man that was a great experience. that was that was a great experience there's a  longer story there but we'll continue so so um. but uh on on or about 2017 i i was asked to be.

one of the biggest things for me in film and  television was i feel like you know veterans um. at least i did at the time like at  the beginning it felt very hard to. to to get involved in some things but um i  felt like they like veterans were only seen as. like they could be they could be stunt guys or  they could be you know grips and these types.

of things but nobody ever like really saw him as  being creatives you know like writers and you know. um actors i mean you see some veteran actors  now but you don't see you don't see a lot of. veteran big veteran actors right so so who  i can't think of anyone adam driver is one. okay adam driver is a veteran he's a marine and  they're out there you know they're out there um.

and uh big veteran supporters as well um are are  out there you know so it's it's there um it's just. it's just hard to find sometimes it's just kind  of the landscape a little bit you know but um that. being said uh i i was asked to to come on to nbc's  the brave as a technical advisor and i was like. i don't want to be an advisor  i don't want to do it i told i.

i told the person setting up to me i don't  want i don't want to be an advisor i want to. be a creative i want to create and um i want to  just tell people how to look good carrying a gun. you know i think i think we shared so  i'm familiar with that are you familiar. with that turned into a complete [ __ ]  disaster for me but yeah so you know yeah. uh but but i mean that's all a thing right and  we discussed that last night kind of but um but.

i was like okay i'll talk to the guy and uh the  guy's name was dean georgeris he was one of the. writers on gladiator and he was going to be the  showrunner and and i was like hi and we talked. and he's like i really want to get this right  i really want to give this right i will i will.

you know you will have priority what you say  he will have priority and you know because i. worked with other people like helping them tech  advise and then they put us in the movie like gi. joe and stuff like that you know and you know we  have a line here or there nothing nothing big but. we're in it like you can see us in it  right well i told him i was like i was like. i will make you a pilot and  and then we'll see how it goes.

right so so so we shot the pilot in morocco and  then they let me take the cast and do whatever. i wanted to do we did live fire drills we did  all kinds of cool [ __ ] right and i was like. and i started to develop kind of a relationship  with some of them and i was like you know what. all right i'll do the show you know i mean show  got picked up and they go do you want to do it. and i'm like i'll do it you know and so i moved  to albuquerque um and had to live there and it.

was like full-on like and i'm the type of guy that  i pick up all this rope that i see laying on the. deck you know what i mean like oh nobody's doing  this job it needs to be done i'm going to do it. i'm going to let me do this too and this and  this and pretty soon i'm like wow i really. painted myself into a corner on this one because  i never get a [ __ ] minute off yeah like it was.

like there was times where like i'm literally  talking to the producing director where i'm like. they're like yeah they need you over here on  the because they they shoot two episodes at once. okay now they need to move you over to the other  episode and move to this episode and i'll go to. that that episode you know it's like and they  told me one time hey they need you down at the. the studio so they can you know you can do x  y and z and i was like okay just so you know.

i'm going on 24 hour work day right now he's  like you're really going on a 24 hour work day. i'm like yeah man i haven't slept  i've been working for 24 hours. and he's like uh and i go so and he's like okay  well uh uh just go down and check in with them. and and then like you know take a day off  i'm like okay cool i'll do that and uh so.

so time went on and and right just prior to this  i had done this i'd never directed before right. but i was like there was such a lull between  i forget what the last thing was in this show. but there's such a lull that i engaged in this  directorial program it's like a crash course. in directing it was like the art of visual  storytelling it was held by usc and it was.

sponsored by veterans and media and entertainment  i think they called it vft at this time. and um and so i went and did that and  basically you make like you have to write. shoot edit and present a film in three weeks right  you have to write it shoot it edit it and present.

it short film i wrote my script i hand it to  the guy teaching it and he's like he's like dude. this is pretty this is pretty ambitious  what you're wanting to do here this is like. multiple combat sequences this is uh multiple  locations you've got three different locations. you've got you know they intend for  you to shoot the thing in a room. right so you don't have to go anywhere and  you just do everything right there and be done.

no you know the deal mm-hmm we're gonna crush  this [ __ ] yeah you know so so i had a great guy. um and he he uh a close friend of mine and he  he he's been in the industry for a long time he. did a lot of visual effects stuff a lot of uh  second unit stuff in video games and these types. of things he's like any way i can support all  support you know so i started connecting me to.

people that like can can um you know like a dp and  you know you know i knew some talent so from the. acting side of things like hey i'm shooting this  thing it's about veterans invite a warrior and you. know and they're like okay i'll volunteer you know  and um so no budget but we shot this thing right. so fast forward back to the brave i have  this thing in the can that we we we actually. screened and i got to tell you um are you a  filmmaker yeah so so um this was my first film.

and i had to screen this thing we're literally  editing this thing down to the wire of of. where i have to show it so we didn't have time  to put credits in it right and so they're playing. this thing and they play it on a big screen it's  in the theater and they play it on the screen. and there's like i don't  know 30 40 veterans in there. and we watch everybody's [ __ ] right and and and  they play mine in run time of about i don't know.

12 minutes or so 13. and uh when it gets done  there's no there's no there's no credits so. it's just a pitch-black room and all you  can hear like when the sound dies down is. people [ __ ] crying and [ __ ] and we sat there  in the dark like they didn't turn the lights on or.

anything for like two minutes dude and everybody  just sat there in the dark just like like it was. the coolest [ __ ] thing dude and and and so i was  like wait a minute like because the whole process. of directing i was like directing uses every  aspect of my experience my creative ability my.

situational awareness my visual my storytelling it  uses every aspect of it right and so so there i am. on the brave and and i'm like hey man i developed  a good relationship with the producing director. uh and and he's like he's like and he's seen me he  starts seeing me like i'm like taking the reins on. the choreo the tactical choreography and directing  camera and everything right and and how the camera.

can capture this action and and he's like he's  like because have you ever directed because. you're you're talking and moving like a director  and i was like only one short film i got i got. one or two short films he goes can i see  it and i'm like yeah i'll show it to you.

and i gave him the thing and and he's like  he's like he watches it gets back to me. next day he's like holy [ __ ] dude that's  the first thing you've ever [ __ ] made and. and i'm like yeah it's kind of like your painting  guy and and he's like he's like holy [ __ ] you're. talented he's like dude the way you know because i  i get aggressive with the camera and like i'm like.

even the dp's like you know that camera's gonna  be right in his face sounds like yeah yeah and. he's like okay you know he does the thing and then  like when you i'll show it to you if you want to. see it but of course but but um but the story you  know as well is like it's powerful right and uh he. he's like dude we got to start [ __ ] developing  you as a director here i was like yes yes you do.

so so everything's keyed up nbc's on board  the show runner's on board i'm going to be dga. and i'm going to direct the season finale of an  nbc show um i'll be the second unit director i. should say damn you know what i mean of an  nbc [ __ ] prime time television show that's. holy [ __ ] that's pretty big right they [ __  ] canceled this [ __ ] they canceled the show.

they weren't gonna re-know the show they cut  the budget they got rid of second unit and i. didn't get to do it are you [ __ ] me no dude i've  been there i've been so close so many [ __ ] times. that close so many [ __ ] times where what  michael bay pulled me into his office he's. gonna make me a series regular on the last ship i  to this day i don't know what the [ __ ] happened. damn i have no idea what the [ __ ] happened  he told me to my face he goes he got a tv show.

and i was so stunned i didn't know  how to respond i was just like. it was like so much that that i was just numb  i was like i was like that's [ __ ] awesome. thank you and it was like. that was about the extent of the reaction right  yeah and and i'm like did i not react enough did i. like what the [ __ ] happened i don't  know what the [ __ ] happened you know.

um is that how it always is no dude they never  they you know no no if you don't get it when that. when the executive producer of the show tells  you you got a show you've probably got a show. oh okay yeah and especially when they bring  you into the studio and all the directors and. everything in there is like congratulations  type thing yeah you know no no i still don't. know what the [ __ ] happened it's just i never  got called again i don't care it doesn't matter. it's a part of the journey it was a part  of my tempering of expectation and you know.

and just oh this is what this is like you know  and this is the world i'm working in right. she can go sideways how am i dealing  with it when it goes sideways. right and so but at the time i wasn't there at the  time i was like what the [ __ ] happened you know. because we were hungry that was that was my  income you know and so but everything happens. for a reason had i done that then i wouldn't  have been on the brave then i wouldn't been.

having that directorial experience that led  me to what i'm doing now right yeah so so. so they they they cut the second unit and  um and i'm like holy [ __ ] that one stung. like a [ __ ] i was like oh man  ah so so they canceled the show. and then there was um then i got involved  in these independent films that are just.

that that didn't come out like i'd like  them to you know i didn't direct them. i wanted to i wanted to but they wouldn't let  me and you know and invariably um i think the. the the product at the end of the day uh could  have been better and and but it was really it was. a great time and i developed great relationships  along the way um and fantastic people involved so.

so go forward a little bit more you know i i um  i get involved with the mayans i do the mayans. and and then and then i got hit up to  just just go talk to a bunch of developers. uh for this known franchise called call of duty  right what's that uh it's just video games kidding.

so so you got to understand i have been a heavy  gamer i still am i have been a heavy gamer. my entire life i games have been atari  2600 you know colecovision and television. all the in-between type systems like pre-nintendo  uh type stuff um sega genesis all these types of.

these gaming systems i've i've been since table  tennis for two do you know what that is no it's. the very first video game ever made it's pong  you remember pong yeah you had wood panel on the. box and like you had a knob with your friend and a  reset button and you turned this thing in like the. thing and that's what you did that  was the first video game so so um.

so i've been literally been playing  video games since they've been being made. and and deeply like sometimes way too deep like  post combat i lock myself in a room and i'm just. i'm like playing yeah what's your  favorite video game of all time. man you put me on the spot like that you can't  do that um street fighter 2 really oh yeah.

how's your jam fire too yeah maybe zelda let's see  fantasy is my [ __ ] i know i'm doing call of duty. and everything like that even the dudes who call  it dude we're like we'll get you more involved. with the zombie stuff you know but but like the  fantasy stuff is is just for me is i'm working on. some stuff now that i can't i absolutely can't  talk about it's triple top secret but but um.

i can't wait to be able to  tell you but it's but it's. it scratches every itch you know what i mean it's  one of my favorite ips out there you know so so um. you asked what my favorite video games were right. i really like. i really like the diablo franchise a lot.

i love the pretty much anything blizzard makes i  i enjoy the last of us the witcher um god of war. god of war how can you not love the god of war  franchise have you seen have you played that. do yourself a favor and just get yourself get off  and just get get that play that you'll be like oh. [ __ ] yeah yeah yeah yeah get get  yourself a playstation am i wrong.

oh man you haven't played god of war all right  but god of war um if i had to pick a favorite. man there's such great it's such a powerful  storytelling platform man it's the future. of it's the future of storytelling video  gaming oh absolutely that technology as they. start to get into photogrammetry in these  types of things and how they're capturing. 100 percent damn 100 watch mark my words i  believe you the the the uh ceo of warner brothers.

this is a quote from the ceo of  warmer it doesn't take a genius. to know that video games are  the future of entertainment. and they raise warner brothers games to the same  level as warner brothers films from what i hear. so yeah so now that i've set the stage for  this you got to understand how this is bro.

so i get asked to talk on stage to a bunch of  developers for call of duty can i help bring in. the guest speaker i do you know and uh a mutual  friend had introduced me to the contact over it. at activision and come to find out  we had some history together and we. didn't even realize it you know and so  let me bring you in and you know we'll. take a look and dark talk to these people and who  knows you know so again it comes up well we'd like.

you to be the tech advisor for this shoot we're  doing for you know call of duty and i'm like. if there's anything i learned show the [ __ ] up  no matter what the [ __ ] job is and then they'll. see that i have other things to offer they may  or may not take that but they'll see that i have.

other things to offer is the hope right well these  guys did treyarch did and and i have an incredible. team like i have this guy uh my my original  coordinator um has had you know aaa talent. on his roster and he brought that and  allowed me to use that in this endeavor. uh once we got there so what turned into me tech  advising what we saw was this is how this happened.

we saw. i was going in to to just tech advise on the  movement on you know what it was they're doing and. and then covet hit and everybody's in a lockdown  and it's like well [ __ ] we're shooting this can. you tune into this uh shoot and look at what these  guys are doing and and i'm watching what these.

guys are doing with weapons and i'm like guys i  gotta be honest like like they're so off the mark. like for me to tell you everything they're  doing wrong here in real time over a zoom. meeting is going to be really challenging and i'm  not trying to take anything away from anybody but. if i can just show you an example what what we can  do is this is i can show you an example of what.

my team can do and then we can give it to them  and then they can rehearse what we put together. and then they'll be more in alignment because  they don't know what they don't know if they. can replicate what it is we're doing over here  on my team everything will be great you know. i never went into it like trying to screw  anybody over or anything like that right. like that was not the intent the intent was  let's just make some really cool stuff give.

it to them and then you know this other team can  shoot it because they're they have a mocap stage. and they can do all the stuff you know what i mean  so we did and they were like holy [ __ ] like with. the choreo and all the the things we did we put  our best foot forward at the time and so um they. were like i think i i don't know what happened  but we gotta approach again and like hey um.

so we noticed that you recorded all that stuff on  a mocap stage where were you and i was like in los. angeles they're like really well would you would  you be interested in shooting that stuff for us. you know and i'm like uh yeah absolutely  we'll shoot it for you you know and and so. went from tech advisor to directing again again  i'm directing all this second unit stuff and.

basically what they have in game is is is this  ability to where you can go up behind a guy. and you hold down the melee button  and it performs an execution. you guys play call of duty yeah and it performs  this execution well this execution is like an. animation using different types of weapons  depends on the operator package and all these. variables right and so we made these things and  they're like oh that was great can you do some.

more and do some more and want to be in like  300 different ways of killing somebody up close. have you ever played like so you said  street fighter you ever played mortal kombat. oh yeah you know how at the end you can do  fatalities yeah it's kind of like that nice it's. kind of like that so you want me to come up with  the call of duty fatalities that's my job okay. i'll do that [ __ ] all day long you know  and so do you have a favorite fatality.

ooh there's a lot of good ones man what uh  in the call of duty in black ops um so we're. on we're on a different call of duty now but  black ops was the first one that i had done. and and i like the john rambo one  a lot you know um i like i like uh.

i like different ones for different reasons um  and um the judge dread one's cool we have some. that haven't come out you gotta you gotta make one  with a uh stop sign pull just for old time's sake. nice nice yeah um we have stuff kind  of like that though that's funny um.

but i call it the pooch i still don't know  where the [ __ ] the guy got a stop sign poll. that's crazy anyway um so so one thing led to  another we started developing relationships good. working relationships with the the  stage there at central and and um. one thing led to another and then you  know i was asked to come in and do.

another call of duty ip the one that just came out  vanguard and now i'm the um second unit director. uh we got the guy that shoots all the action  stuff for the one that just came out vanguard. and and in the interim we were working on  different cinematics and directing cinematics and. conjunction you gotta understand there's a lot  of people that wear a lot of different hats in. in the video game world so it's not as  clear-cut as in film on on who's doing what.

you know you have the performance capture director  that is for all intents and purposes the director. of a film that that that works with the actors  and and you know elicits the performances right. they performance capture director the you know  you've seen the helmets that they wear with the. lights and the dots on their face and all that  yeah that's it you know and they they direct. all that the adr performances they're working  with all the actors um second unit director.

um the mo cap director uh works with all the  second unit stuff all the action you know so um. so i did i did that in conjunction with um  you know being the first assistant director to. the the assistant director is the guy that you  know handles the logistics and you know kind. of you know make sure the flow of the date he's  like the it's kind of like the the lpo okay you.

know what i mean yeah he makes [ __ ] flow along  chief is the director you know lpo is the one that. makes all that [ __ ] happen right yeah and  so kind of saying kind of the same thing. and so uh you know one thing led to another and  and i had a very good working relationship with. the lead animators over at treyarch and um  they wanted to bring me on full-time as the.

performance capture director for you know their  studio so now i'm officially a developer while. i was creating this franchise and going back  to everything that we've talked about before. there's been adversity you know what i mean like  like things have gone sideways sometimes and. like that's just the nature of production you know  things come in late you don't know which way is up.

you know talent cancels on you they get booked  on something else or you know what i mean like. and then like all the productions like weighing on  that and so so there's a lot of adversity um but. but it's okay to like take that breath and and  just truly enjoy the type of problem that it is. you know for what it is and and so um  while while we were making that first game.

uh and to put this in to kind of put this in  uh scope um my son passed away while i was. on the stage shooting you got to understand  this ip there's no coincidences there's no. coincidences me and my son played this ip while  i was in iraq we use call of duty as a way to to. bond you know when you know it was difficult  face to face sometimes you know because of what.

he's going through what i'm going through  and you know but but in that other world. you know the walls come down a little bit makes  sense yeah it does you know when things start. coming out and you're having conversations  and you're just having fun you know what i. mean so i don't think we talk about that enough in  games you know just the the good that can happen. you know and and and the fringe you can make  you know and the connections that you can make.

um and i think we should focus on that more in  and and so that's kind of what drives me and so. while i'm creating this ip there you think there's  any coincidence that that like after my son passes. away then all of a sudden like all of these things  start to bloom and i can't i can't tell you all of. the other things that are happening but it's just  like through that journey like i'm talking to you.

about and i and i alluded to this before maybe  you can go back and kind of do your magic but. the journey itself and and the transition and  being able to kind of you know incorporate all of. those events into that into my heart you know just  has as gran and that realization of the ability. to love unconditionally i bring that into one  that's the why i create like i use that whole.

journey and that's what motivates my creative  effort it's not the outcome of anything it's. not i'm trying i'm striving to like go get  this thing next i did that it's painful you. know what i mean nothing's ever good enough you  know you're never satisfied with where you're at. and that that causes a hole there's always  a hole that can never be filled because.

you're always looking out there and never like  appreciating what's right here and right here. you know yeah and so so that all changed  through that's that's one of the myriad. of gifts that this event has has given  the singular event has granted me and so. now in a little over a year and a half i  have signed with treyarch as a developer.

doing a job that normally is reserved for i'm  at a level where that you know guys have been. doing this for 20 years how's that happening yeah  that's awesome how's that happen a gamer a seal. they could think of all the pieces  yeah like through my whole life. the glee club kid the actor the the  artist the writer the director the seal.

as a call of duty director what the [ __  ] damn that's awesome man what the [ __ ]. like that's not you can't you can every time i  think about it it's just like thank you thank you.

it's it's everything yeah you  know not the job but the journey. the realization of wow you put me through  all of that so i could be here right now. knowing knowing that this isn't  the end this is the beginning. this is the beginning this is the start damn. it's fantastic it's it's so satisfying  you know it's so satisfying it scratches.

every creative edge you know and uh yeah i'm  pretty content good for you man i can tell. you're happy that's that's awesome yeah it is  it is bob well how can people get a hold of you. what people anybody anybody  wants to reach out instagram.

is great like i checked that at least  once a day uh maybe once every couple days. if anybody wants to get a hold of me there  um if it's for a professional reason i have. representation that can be found on imdb just  google my name imdb there's representation there. all the information's there to get a hold of me  that way if you're an operator you can contact. me at info vitalwarrior.org reach out you have  any questions about the practice um i do have.

at the rama institute i do have um something set  up through the nonprofit that we'll talk about. offline if you're interested in seeing what these  classes are about and how they can benefit you. and then. if you're a seal just contact contact me  through any one of the aforementioned and. we'll get you right and if you're a seal that you  know in the past that we've had um interactions.

i'm not the same guy in fact so much not  the same guy i changed my name remember yeah. you know a lot of people wonder that's weird you  know why do you do that you know and it's like. well the first name is a contraction of  michael coke that's why it's spelled that way.

so it kind of gives you context the last  name this all came i know how it sounds. um this all came like in this process it came  through in like meditations and all these types. of things it's like oh you know and so um but for  you to get the gist uh that's kind of the driving. force behind it you know the first name's a  contraction of my swim buddies first and last name.

damn yeah so that's we'll talk  about the other stuff later. well thanks a lot for coming  out man thanks for having me man. this was a real problem great i love your  setup it's fantastic um yeah you're good. you're doing it right man thank you it's  really cool i appreciate that thanks for. having me best of luck oh that luck's got  nothing to do with it man there's no luck.

all right that's a good ending. thank you, nice man. i knew you were gonna say that about luck. true we're gonna end it like that.

you.