Kyle Morgan - Delta Force Operator | SRS #041

it's that time of year everybody it is. that time of year to get with your. families with your. inlaws and have that wonderful dinner. Thanksgiving dinner no politics no. religion no arguing ever right just. kidding I just want to wish you all a. Happy Thanksgiving and we brought a very. special episode to you this year for. Thanksgiving Kyle Morgan he's a former.

Delta boy Delta Force. operator Kyle has done one of the most. heroic acts that I have ever had the. pleasure not the pleasure the honor to. listen to on the Shawn Ryan Show he. saved a lot of people by entering a. hotel by himself who was being shot up. by bad guys ladies and gentlemen this. show started.

out showing you the tough transitions. that war Fighters do going from fighting. Wars into the civilian population and. Kyle at the time of recording this had. only been out for 44 days you're going. to see exactly what it looks like when a. Warf fighter comes home from war and. tries to reintegrate into civilian life. you're going to see that he can't hold a. single thought he can't wrap his head. around a single.

subject and you're going to see him. relive events it's going to be all over. his face especially when we get to the. hotel the trauma that that. caused ladies and. Gentlemen please welcome Kyle. Morgan to the Shawn Ryan Show. [Music].

h. [Music]. [Applause].

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[Music]. [Music]. Kyle Morgan welcome to the show man yeah.

Sean thanks for having me my pleasure. we've been going back and forth for what. like six months now yeah and finally got. you in here yeah had a couple of good. conversations but so brief introduction. 20 years in Army most of which is. Special Operations work almost all. combat. time your service is incredible some of. your Awards disting distinguish service.

cross for Extraordinary heroism five. bronze star medals one with Valor US. Department of State Bureau of Diplomatic. Security certificate of heroism military. freefall with bronzear combat three. presidential unit citations two. meritorious unit. citations defense meritorious service. medal meritorious service medal six Army. good contact medals and the list goes on. that's a hell of a career man but um so.

we're going to cover your whole life. story starting with childhood but. first we always start with a. gift any guesses what's in the box. man uh I hope it's donuts donuts damn. there better I hope there better be. Donuts in your show um no thank you very. much.

the guest would be yeah donuts and maybe. um I don't know some gummy bears or I. don't. know finally somebody watches the show. that's on here no I'm just kidding it's. like nobody ever guesses that no one. knows I'm not really good at the opening. just rip it. open hell yeah there you go dude better. than Donuts man made right here in the. USA thank you very.

much yeah you're welcome I appreciate. well thank you for the flag that's going. to look good framed up yeah thanks for. um letting me. uh like give it to you and uh then sign. it and it means a lot to me that so that. flag is the it's the blue bearing. Solutions is the company I started and. you know being proactive uh with my. retirement and transition and um that. flag is uh. I jumped it um for the first time I've I.

haven't jumped in two years since I had. my neck fused and you know I'm going to. retire here with you um so I jumped it. timed it and um now it's yours will'll. be framed up hanging in the studio. proudly yeah but um man I'm just I'm. real excited for this. interview you know you so you have. started your training company blue. bearing Solutions mhm you're 44 days out. of the military I believe that makes you.

the most. relevant man in the training space. whether youd like to hear that or not. you're the most. current and um I know you're. really you have a heart of gold and you. want to help with this active shooter. [ __ ] that's been going on and um we just. had another one last night in Memphis. all over the city and so let's start off. talking about that you know you think. there's a solution to this and it's it.

is happening more and more and more some. people want to take the guns away they. think that's the solution some people. think arm and teacher is a solution what. do you what's Kyle's. solution I. think. empowering people and and not just to. bear arms. like it's a a gun is a tool um and it. can be used for for good good to defend.

and to protect and that can also be used. for these atrocities that have been. happening since Columbine since 1999. where our children are being taken from. us and they are by. definition innocent in a sense they they. cannot protect themselves nor should. they have to in that sense like we need. to create an environment that we we as. American society like have have had and. and the fact is is.

it's a societal change that needs to. happen taking ownership of the fact that. it isn't how it used to. be and thank God this isn't an. organized like terrorist group that's. been conducting these attacks because we. wouldn't be ready for it as a society. like we're not even ready for it and. there and it the biggest thing that that. we can do it's not a solution it's it's. a it's an societal change it's a it's. impacting Our Youth and then developing.

and protecting them to become. contributing members of our society and. then their kids like what we can do. right now is and what I can do and what. I'm doing is showing people that you can. make a difference one person can make. all the difference in in in taking. action absorbing one fraction of that. attacker's bandwidth.

it to focusing on you while and the. sooner that you can do that and then. never the pursuit of that and then once. that happens you hold on to it like. imagine and put yourself into the the. the children's feet and eyes like you. take that from them yeah if you are a. protector because a lot of people think. that they're protectors and they're just. providers um to truly protect is is is. to do both like provide and to protect.

and and to use overwhelming Force if you. need to and I don't want to create and. look for fights and that's not the life. I'm living anymore. but I also know that I will step and. take that from any anyone's child and I. will put that burden onto me and I know. that I will continue to pursue and never. letting go of that cuz all it takes is.

is now they're focusing a fraction of. their bandwidth on you mhm and oh [ __ ]. where where where did where are they at. where did they come from what are they. doing are they going to what are they. going to do for one they may they may. just off themselves right away um and. the the statistics are there like if you. look at like the the incidents that have. happened and then as the the results of. them and through who who inter who. intervened and then how long it had was. it going. reducing the amount of time for them to.

go un. unadultered. like they have the upper hand but with. building your confidence in that you can. do something and if that something is. just getting between good and evil like. you'll be able to rest at night and if. you're and if the tomorrow problem is. that you're in jail for acting well then. that's a that's a bigger societal issue. we have isn't it but I'll be in jail or.

or dead in Heaven you know and I those. are tomorrow problems yeah but right. then it's just empathy it's. compassion so you think for others you. think that the the solution to this is. is basically a cultural change a massive. everybody needs to adopt this taking. ownership of it the fact that we can't. just ignore this ignorance is not Bliss. and how many more of these have to.

happen before we CU we are powerful we. as a collective can make and we have you. look at our society like we have done. some amazing things as a as the American. culture and and like it's I'm I'm so. proud to be an American and it's not. it's not that it's gone it just it needs. to be stoked you know like the the the. fire inside of all of us yeah to taking. ownership of it do you think that's.

actually a real possibility because one. one of the things that I see in today's. culture is everybody everybody's just. looking for somebody to blame they they. nobody actually wants to take. responsibility and nobody actually from. the school boards to the parents to the. politicians to the people yeah you know. what I see a lot of answers are is. instead of the parents actually learning. Maybe some things that they could adopt.

to improve their you know kids chances. of survival if that was to happen like I. I did a video that was like five things. that you could do you know if there was. an active shooter. and but what I see the parents doing is. they want to they want to hire a. security guard they want they are. legitimately willing to bet their kids'. life on somebody that they're going to. pay $13 an hour for yeah and that's.

their solution they think that somebody. that's being paid $13 an hour is going. to jump in front of the bullet that's. heading right for their kids face and. that's not going to happen yeah you know. because and and I I think that the. people are just too busy or they they. think that their priorities aren't there. that's it's well this is somebody else's. job to teach my kid this stuff this is. somebody else's job to protect that's. your [ __ ] job that's your [ __ ] kid. safety and your security and and of what.

you care about and who you care about is. is on you yeah and like there's all. kinds of like people want to throw tools. or resources or a bill a policy uh like. they'll take the guns give them guns. like to me it's like let's strip all of. that away and just focus on the fact. that like get back to center of of what. it is to be a. protector like truly in your household.

and and then if you if you think about. how powerful that is as a to make a. change like a impact change it's like a. ripple effect like if you do that in. your house and then that spreads you. know over time in your spheres of. influence and then I I'm doing it and. then we're building a league of. protectors right and then we're changing. the way that we think as a cultural. shift like it's not necessarily it's. it's not saying because the what I can't.

do Kyle Morgan and blue bearing is I'm. not trying to to lobby and in politics. to to do this or that or the other like. I'm just focusing on what what I can do. is is show people what right looks like. in this space of active shooter and. expose them to environments that I've. been in and and and with that it's it's. about exposure and there's no one.

situation that's going to look the same. and you apply the same tactic every time. it's it's not it's here it's mindset. it's then that's why I do protector. mindset training. um well I mean you're the perfect guy. for the job especially with your career. and what happened to Molly you know. you've been then you've been through it. yeah the exact scenario and that's why. like my I started my company. it's spelled Blu for a reason as a as a.

direct correlation with Rison blue Hotel. spelled the same way and it's also my. favorite color and um it's also a direct. correlation with as a color with. depression and sadness and then bearing. like Atlas bearing the weight of the. world or bearing it all like no human. should but we do and I damn sure did for. a long time and and that's not for us. it's for God. and I can say that from this seat here.

because I could never see that for what. it was and. and and then how you carry yourself your. military bearing you know and then a. compass bearing so if you don't know. where you're going any Ro will take you. there um and I was doing that my whole. life uh and now I've been in the light. and on this path with a bearing I've. been shown by God and now it's on me to. stay on that on that bearing yeah um but.

to start the company it was active. shooter active killer active. threat like the RIS and blue hotel that. was attacked November 20th. 2015 like I was deployed in that country. at but working out of the embassy and I. had been don't get into that yet okay. sorry let's we'll get there we'll get. there I know you're dying to tell that. we'll get there but let's let's start. let's go ahead and start with the. interview but let's start a little. earlier than 2015 let's start back in.

1984 when you were born where where. where'd you grow up I so I was born in. Central Florida uh a little little town. Eustace uh. Florida probably lived there for I don't. know four or five years and then we. moved to Upstate New York so my dad's. family is from all from upstate New York. and then all my mom's family is from um. Florida um but as a young. adolescent I mean we moved I don't know.

10 15 10 to 15 times by the time I left. for you know one time I turned 18 what. kind of stuff were you into growing up. um so I couldn't sit I never could sit. still I was always like climbing on the. window seals from the way that my mother. used to explain it. um yeah imagine that but. um it was a very um. I I did a lot of organized sports that.

was uh my like football baseball. basketball like um from five from soon. as I could so from 5 years old um so I. enjoyed like the team aspects of those. and. um like but then the stability piece. just wasn't there as far as moving. around so I could never really plant my. feet and like figure out who I was and. who I wanted to be and um yeah so as a. as a young adolescent I just you know.

when I was younger and then when things. got a little harder with Academia and. then and I was just like struggling you. know so I started acting out and uh you. know looking for attention and um it was. easier because we'd go from one school. to another and I'd be the new new guy or. whatever and I could just start over you. know and. but that played into a lot about um you. know by at 10th grade uh in high school. I think I got kicked off the football.

team because of my GPA got too low um. below like a 2.0 and I was just like. okay uh Roger that so I just started. like all right I guess football's not. going to happen I mean that was my. passion and uh so then I just started. you know focusing on all the things that. would instant like gratification and you. know oh you like me don't you yeah I'm. cool um that was my sense of self like I. I it had been nurtured in an environment.

where like no one showed me I wasn't. developed like by a positive male role. model or or female um it was very. chaotic and how um like you never well. the stability piece like creates chaos. in itself um and then you know that with. like just the normalization of of. of behaviors and you know I just watched.

and and was either a part of my my. mother abused my father and my father. just verbally. physically uh would drink himself into. uh just to isolate himself in the garage. or whatever and it was just like to me I. just saw that as what he just doesn't. want to be here you know and but one. thing I will say is he never he never. left you know he put up with all of that.

and it was just so just raged and and or. uh like just jealousy and and. codependency and and all these things. that I just not mind you this is me I've. been 38 years later I'm looking back. with the lens I've been shown and are. put on and you know it's it's in. hindsight I mean it's not for a child to. have to make sense of that [ __ ] you know. and it's unfair but it also is just a.

part of my story and it's um but I I. will say I lived my life even as a young. father um well no you guys don't have it. this bad you don't have it that bad you. don't know what bad is you know and. that's just not a way to parent you know. and I feel like I held my head for uh. you know minimizing my own behavior in. front of them you know and um that's the. part where I'm really. like I really want to change that you.

know that narrative that break those. generational like norms and in my legacy. and and I can and I am were you into. hunting. or what girls that was about it yeah. that was like my girls and booze yeah. that was it man um and I say that. Loosely because or not Loosely but I. guess uh. like it was my sense of self was oh you. think I'm good-looking or. uh I look how good I did you know CU I.

was physically fit and um those were. like the those were the escapes you know. for me to say. well like you don't I'm just a scared. little boy inside afraid to of his own. shadow you know there's a lot of people. growing up in the world like that you. know with with a dysfunctional family. moving around a lot and there's going to. be a lot more now that Ro versus weight. has been overturned you know it's going. to be a lot of kids and poverty mhm so.

looking back you know if it's yourself. do you have any advice. for kids that are growing up in a in a. in a situation that's similar or worse. than. yours. yeah you're not alone period like there. is there is positive role models out. there that want. um to show and and to show you and to.

hold your hand through the your. developmental phase it's just more. people like myself and then I'm trying. to become need to step up and just take. ownership of that as well. because like there's obviously my. children that I have to change and and. and work through but I can also be that. there for their friends and their. friends of friends like and that's the. opportunities that I have now and I'm. just so gr grateful for because I can.

focus on it my. priorities like it's a it's a complete. shift of like I've been so focused for. 20 years on combating terrorism abroad. like there's a lot of work to do here. inside of our own borders and that's. what I'm focused on and it starts at the. household it starts at like positive. male role models like we don't have. those anymore so you are you saying. these kids need to seek out a positive. male role model well it's not on them. it's like. us well I'm saying for the kid yeah.

like there is there is good people out. there and and what you're. like it's not on them like the. environments that they're they're um. like raised in in situational like. uh like I don't blame children for for. growing up in in mud Huts in radical uh. extremism I don't blame them I don't. blame childr that grow up in poverty and.

around drugs and alcohol and and abuse. and uh I don't they're the the they are. the definition of Innocence yeah like. they are at a certain point that that. becomes the their reality right like. that's and then they step into society. and that's just their reality. but for me it's about challenging other. male role models to step up and and like. seek out these these you know this is.

our societal if we want to make a change. be a good example be a good example and. that's just like showing people what. right looks like yeah like that's it it. doesn't mean you you got to have this. many volunteer hours at this or that. it's just when opportunities present. themselves see them for what they are. and and um realize that the impact that. you can have is is profound and and you. don't you can't measure it and it's not.

like quantifiable. so you just do it early and often and. and I think as a that's how you impact. change and but to the you know the. children in the in those situations is. like like this is the greatest country. in the in the world to to grow up in to. to be a part of. um and don't you know don't let the. circumstances that you've been presented. with. you know Define you as a as a person as.

a young adolescent um well I think. you're a perfect example. of you don't have to live there forever. yeah you know there are a lot of kids. feel trapped you know that they're not. ever going to get out of that but. there's there are ways out of it and. you're a perfect example I mean you. operated at the at the at the highest. level possible so so at what point did. you US military. become what when did you become.

interested in. that so I. think it's probably my between my junior. and going into my senior year high. school like I wasn't going to I got sat. down by a teacher that like saw he saw. something in me and um the potential or. you know the opportunity to to like. develop someone you know Youth and he. took it was very like uh I don't know I.

just remember it now because it meant a. lot to me and I couldn't remember a lot. about my past um for a long long time um. but you know he was a positive male role. model you know that isn't your. biological parent you know and he also. uh served in the ranger regiment um and. I remember him showing me a photo of. doing some like small unit tactic. training and stuff I mean I didn't know. what it was was back then I was like a. that looks so cool and now I'm like it.

wasn't that cool. but but it was like in the '90s or what. yeah just like blue red yellow smoke you. know this and that in the woods um but. as a young kid I was like wow that's. like really cool and um it and it was I. mean like the fact that he shared that. and then he wasn't trying to get me to. join the military um I was interested in. listening to his his stories and and um. but he sat me down I was like hey man. like you're not going to graduate if you.

if we don't like write this path so he. set me on to a path and and uh I mean I. was. like I had to catch up on a bunch of. classes I just kept like blowing off and. either failing or whatever and um but he. put me on that trajectory like in a. short amount of time my senior year uh. towards the end of my junior and then. Senior Year and then 9/11 happened um. um uh 2001 and I remember I was in you.

know the classroom I was in and it was. just such a. like a visceral like feeling and and. surreal uh to see the towers you know. the first one and then the second one. get hit and then then go down it was. just like this isn't real you know even. as a as a younger I was 17 and I was. like what what what was happening you. know and um. I mean but it was I mean obviously it.

was it was our it was our reality. and I uh I talked with him a little bit. but I went uh and talked to a recruit. Army recruiter and uh and then December. I went to MEPS and did all the and Tampa. because I went back to Florida for high. school. and signed up at 17 in the delay entry. program and my I remember my mother had. had to sign as.

my Cinder 18 so um I it was contingent. on that I graduated and then I turned 18. and I left two weeks later for basic. training so did you know you wanted to. go into Special Operations no I I joined. I didn't know anything about like who. was what and what units are this and. that and the other but for some reason. the 82nd Airborne I had heard of you. know it's America's. guard of. Honor it's a you know it's a it's a very.

uh rich in culture and history uh and. from World War II and um that's what I. signed up for was a Airborne contract uh. that brought me to Fort Brag North. Carolina like right away so as soon as I. finished uh infantry school and jump. School in Benning Fort Benning Georgia I. went um I reported to brag at the end of. 2002. and yeah so I mean just completely wet.

behind the ears man I didn't know I was. just like little punp you know yeah and. uh I got. humbled all the time and um. bet and yeah it was a I remember the. platoon I showed up to and I was the. only new guy for a long time man so I. like ate it all as far as the. uh The Hazing and um well before we get. into your time at 8 second let's take a. quick.

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the. economy what the hell is going on I. thought precious metals were supposed to. track inflation they're just going down. it seems like stock markets going down. if you're going to point to one factor. what controls our economy more than. anything else its interest. rates the direction of the US economy be. fuddling the experts again and rattling. investors in a huge way as the latest. Consumer Price Index down finds. inflation in August was mostly.

unchanged the funny part talking about. this is this is a part of my life for. the vast majority of my career up until. you know just about a year or two ago. that I I really didn't let anybody. know in my business I get to see. everything because if you're going to. work with me you got to show me. everything we all see social media we.

see the Lambos the Ferraris the private. jet you get to see behind the curtain. yeah yeah how many did you call or have. you called along the way where you. thought oh man this person's crushing it. from the outside in determined because. that person might be one Lambo lease. payment away from going. bankrupt new data today showing what so. many Americans are feeling the price of. nearly everything is stubbornly high we. have nowh to do but we for getting there. and everyone's definition of success.

what wealth is what matters is. completely different um what's it mean. to you it means Choice what money. provides is choice because I grew up. with no choice yeah well you know. politics is all about the economy right. now Charles getting ready to retire you. got a million bucks finally now it's. $790,000 on you're getting ready to. retire that doesn't feel too good so now. what you have to ask yourself though is. this all sustainable.

all right Kyle we're back from the break. you're joining the Army you get to boot. camp basic training basic training. whatever they call it over there but uh. was that like what a shock it was like.

the you show up you know they shave your. head you get and there's a line for. everything get in line you just get. indoctrinated and that's the point I. think to to following orders um and you. know and building uh build to see if you. can you know cut the cut it. and I um. I.

really thrived in that space. because as much as I wanted or was. acting out as as an adolescent and as a. teenager. um I mean I got arrested twice before I. was 18 what yeah I totally forgot about. that but yeah like. I yeah what' you get arrested for one. was like shoplifting what' you steal. like a tie nice from like a department. store and like one the um like testing.

bottles of cologne oh yeah on a dare on. a dare yeah I was like oh I bet you. can't but you can't walk out with that. and I was. like. [ __ ] I walked out with it and then uh. this guy was like hey man I'm going to. need my stuff back I was like what stuff. and I was just like so he took me in and. and uh I was like 16 17 like acting out. man and the other time it was uh we got.

pulled over and we were we skipped. school and we're partying and stuff and. drinking and uh yeah underage drinking. and I had like a fake ID that I. made because in Florida I'm not going to. get into that but no let's get into it. so we can't do them anymore you're a. graphic artist at 16 years old 16 years. just resourceful nice and uh I would. like sell them like hey only only you. made a business yeah a little business I. forgot about that entrepreneur looking. for ways to make money to party you know.

and be cool what does a fake ID go for. in Florida back in what the N 2000s this. was in late '90s 2000s yeah so it only. worked if it was a kind of a limited. model but if you had if you were born in. '. 84 I could turn the four into a one and. it's in two places on the ID and then I. would basically photocopy so I erased. the four to where like with an eraser. and then uh cut out a photocopy of a one.

like the same someone's ID that was born. in 81 and then like use packaging tape. or whatever and put that over it and. then and place it correctly and then you. could with warm water you could rub the. white the white or the the white off the. paper off and then let it dry and then. it'll be ad it'll have the adhesive. again and then place it over so it. wouldn't pass like a it wouldn't it.

would get you into clubs likey old and. like dancing and like underage or yeah. but you still couldn't like drink but it. would allow me to go and fit in and. stuff with older I had like. older older crowd friends and stuff and. I wanted to be able to hang out so um. yeah and that led to I had to like I. didn't even know what a kernel was like. an' 06 like I had to do a they had to do. a waiver to get me in and I had to like.

tell them like talk to them you know and. explain to him why why I should he. should let me join the Army you know one. person yeah and I totally forgot about. that but yeah like I was like who's this. and why do I have what and I was like. okay um and I talked to him and well I. convinced him and. um you know it it. uh let me give me one second on that.

where was I going with. that there was another element. of you wouldn't have gotten in the Army. had it not been for that Colonel that. gave you basically a second chance yeah. yeah and like I was supposed to be. joining with my cousin like we we both. signed up together but he couldn't he. couldn't score high enough on the asbab. to get a bonus right and this is what. good recruiters do they had me take his.

asbab for him are you [ __ ] like I F. out his name and like and then I I. scored high enough again to where he so. he could get a bonus so he did the whole. like Raz your right hand thing and the. delayed entry and then never left like. he didn't graduate high school and just. like went on whatever path he went on so. then it was just me but yeah there was a. lot of things like yeah there's a lot of. pivotal points that.

just worked out in your favor yeah it. worked out yeah I mean there's been a. lot of that going on just riding a wave. of of all of those um but now I'm taking. taking ownership and taking control of. my own life in my own actions yeah and. that's really it and the rest is. for for God yeah which is a really. comforting feeling yeah you got in. you're at the 80c airb what's that like. check in where is that Fort Brag North. Carolina is your whole career Bragg.

basically yeah um yeah there. wasn't there wasn't much. time spent I mean it was there and not. there I mean I I'm I got there. and like it was just it was awful for. one it was the barracks were. like they weren't the World War II. Barracks but they were like the old. Barracks man you could still smoke in. them and [ __ ] and like everyone smoked.

cigarettes for some reason I was like. was this like a thing it's like maror. cowboy killers. and you know I was just. like well I just want to fit in so I was. so stressed out I I remember how I I. thought about going awall like. because like it it was for one there was. a lot of. systemic like. just cultural like racism and and things.

that I just wasn't used to like I was. just like what is this. and you know if I had something to say. against against it man I paid for it and. um because they would use the rank and. this and that and everyone outranked me. so it was just like go go smoke him. smoke scuff Auto scuff you know and I. was like physically strong so they. couldn't necessarily break me and pissed. them off there was a lot of racism when. you went there and you stood up to it I.

first yeah and like when I first they. crushed you for it yeah like. it there was um I it really was. off-putting to me and it should be but. it was like I was like hit by it where. it caught me off guard I was like what. is this like and um and that wasn't all. of them but like the squad I went to. specifically and the platoon it was kind. of like it was there was elements of it. and it was um I was like uh and.

um but I was also like trying to figure. out who I am as a like an adult you know. young adult I was 18. and you know I uh physically like they. would I'd be I'd have my back to the. door like holding it closed every day. like in a squad meeting they'd be. [ __ ] chain smoking cigarettes and. just laughing and you know doing. whatever and I'd be in the iron chair.

holding a kevlar in each hand upside you. know upside down and they would just be. putting [ __ ] in it and taking it out. asking me trivia like and if I got it. wrong they would put more [ __ ] in it but. I would be there for waiting on the word. for hours at a time damn I mean it was. like and I remember one one time I went. home cuz I would drive back to Florida. just to get away like 8 hour drive like.

on a week a regular weekend so like a. Friday you know release and then come. got to be there first formation or you. know an hour before that formation and. whatever so I'd be there I would just. drive straight through and this one time. I remember them like calling me hey we. need you to show up at this detail and. it was like a shoot ShakeOut detail like. that last minute it was on a Saturday. and I was like hey s s Sergeant I'm uh.

I'm not in North Carolina I'm in Florida. oh [ __ ] and they were like oh really. okay well no just enjoy your basically. the way I remember it was like enjoy. your weekend but we got something for. when we get back and I remember that. day vividly which out of I don't. remember a lot about just through. physical and psychological trauma it's. like. but that is very Vivid to me because I I.

uh I got back at like 4 in the morning. and the squad leader staff sergeant like. stayed overnight waiting on me like had. a home off post you know that this is. his life you know. and. basically every I got smoked like. scuffed up or uh I don't even know what. you call that like corrective like. punishment or whatever. for a good 36.

hours no [ __ ] to the point where I was. like I can't I was doing like you know I. couldn't and. uh yeah and but for for what though like. build character yeah now I don't think. it really built character I think it. what it did do for me. is it showed me what a leader is and. isn't and and it started to it was like. the the first cusp of well this is what. leading is and being in charge right.

like being in charge is a title like I. could throw a title on you like whomever. and that doesn't mean that you know how. to lead um so that's why I've been very. focused. on like at its core it's about. communication and compassion for others. to lead yeah to it just is like there's. a time to take charge and be in charge. charge like in in lead excuse me uh in.

those situations where decisions need to. be made um but that's where I viewed and. always sought out like there's got to be. something else out here better you know. and I think very quickly you know we. went to Iraq in. um uh June of 2003 with the 82nd yeah. and I realized pretty quickly when I'm. like getting off the damn airplane and. we're like locked in loaded man doing. all these like spirals to get into biop. and they had just like you know set up.

and I was like oh man we're getting in. it right right as soon as we hit the. ground and I'm like a here here it comes. were you excited did you want it yeah I. was excited yeah I was like yes and uh I. mean I was scared I was like oh I don't. know but there were so many of us I was. like oh we got this and they know what. they're doing and then we they land and. the the ramp blowers and it's the. freaking 82nd Airborne Division band. the hell out are you [ __ ] me I was. like wait a minute you mean the band.

beat beat us here like. what what is going on it was just like I. I was uh I was really taken back from. that and um I was like okay where okay. report over there and it was like this. tent that didn't have any didn't even. have the walls it was just like a tent. no AC like none of that man it was 10. 40 degrees man and I just remember doing.

the acclamation for two weeks where. you're just laying in sweats or pools of. sweat in these Cs and it just looks like. human Silhouettes just like when you. stand up from it it was just so and just. like the ice they would the moments of. reprieve you know. like um they would bring in these big. ice blocks like from wherever and you. just. like like try to like hug it you know. and it was hot and.

uh yeah and then and then we got put. pushed to uh or the base that we were. going to take over and it was this old. chicken factory in mohamadia yfia and uh. that's when [ __ ] started getting real. and um you know that's the part. where I. think I saw so many other things and we. did so many different things as an. infantry battalion and that in that. space that in support of other different.

elements and and and special operations. and I didn't know I was just like who. the hell is that who's that why they. look like that and um I'm like I want to. I want to see what I want to do what. they're doing like cuz I also realized. like man nobody knows what the [ __ ]. you're doing you know like in the be in. the earlier stage of the war it was just. like we're like ratchet strapping Emory. boxes full of [ __ ] rocks and sand and. [ __ ] to on a cargo HP he uses armor to. roll around sh to roll around to just.

react to contact like what what's our. mission you know just react to contact. or there just like nine dudes in a hve. just waiting to get stitched up and um. were you rolling out in convoys or was. it just one be are patoon convoys just. rolling out or areas of of uh. responsibility or whatever but it was. legitimately like fishing except for re. were the bait it's just like yeah what. are we doing um how how did you I mean.

at that young age in a conventional unit. I mean did that strike you. as I don't know if we should be doing. this [ __ ] this is yeah there was moments. of that where I was just like. hm I mean you see things and then you. you're a part of them and then you're. like I don't really understand that and. if they can't explain the. why like would they try to explain. sometimes and sometimes they wouldn't. sometimes like because this what we do.

and I'm like but I just would take note. in my head I'm like just like when I. first showed up like okay Roger that. yeah and I I used that to help build. like my own like sense of uh Duty and. and act and how to act and and and. operate and I it it's continued to like. never really conforming to well we just. do it without someone explaining and I.

remained curious about it you know and I. think that that's that's a massive part. of why I was able to accomplish the. things I accomplished I mean I'm I'm I'm. genuinely fascinated and conventional. how conventional units work because I I. never had the opportunity to work in a. conventional unit went straight straight. into soft so are they I've worked with. conventional units but I've never been. in one are they at all open to new ideas.

I think just like any any organization. that's still an organization in the. military like a conventional or not like. through 20 years of what we've been. doing like they had to evolve and CU. like even when we were training train up. for that that first deployment I was. doing inner and clear trench man like. Bangalore Torpedoes you know Constantino. wire and like getting down and like.

clearing by fire with like two people. online. like yeah I mean it was. like. we've it's it's evolved and it had to. because it's it's trial with fire like. you have to all those things that you. did before that maybe worked for you in. the past or was just this like Garrison. mindset of like well you got to be crisp. and roll your sleeves up and they look. really good on your your arms man but. like uh it it it's.

not there's a balance between discipline. and and Military bearing and culture and. in accomplishing the missions being. asked of you and to truly be able to do. those as a conventional force or. unconventional um we've had to adapt and. I think that the units that that are. successful in the divisions and the. cores and the you know they're. successful because they had the ability. to to do that eventually you know and I.

I'm being critical of this was in 2003. man like yeah I mean it was the ww west. it was like no one knew like who's who. what's going on there all these things. that we've just gotten so accustomed to. in on the battlefield like. from like that's where I I believe that. we as a as a country and a fighting. force are the most lethal and effective. fighting force on the Planet as a when. it as military power is concerned like.

to be able to pick up and flex a. division the 82 Airborne Division even. to as a deterrent from. like like a an international like from. war you know and and just by maneuvering. a force that's that that's that's power. that's military power yeah and we have. have that and that's not taken lightly. across the the globe you know um so I.

think that you know it's it's using that. as a as a way to deter War you know. sometimes and and the respect that we. have across the country is because it's. it's found in it was found in blood and. mistakes and failures and never losing. sight of that how how. many how many soldiers are you deploying. with uh I mean our we it was like.

Brigade task force. so like our I'd say a brigade is what. three used to be three Battalion I think. if there's I don't know four it was uh. 500 or something so soldiers in each so. each company's like a 100 and there's. four or five companies in a. battalion holy [ __ ] so you deployed with. like 2,000 oh yeah people yeah yeah it. was like a third Brigade. you know Task Force and and then all the. supporting elements and and that's where.

you get into like battle space owners. and you know like truly owning like in. in war like owning battle spaces and and. that really comes into play as I as I. progress through my career and. understanding so having that at least. even having the exposure to it maybe if. I couldn't make sense of it back then it. helped me understand it more eventually. as I'm trying to operate in that. environment so deployment with 2,000. plus soldiers I mean that that I think I.

understand why conventional units are. not. so open-minded and they don't want to. hear new ideas because that would be. 2,000 new ideas coming their. way understand there's mechanisms in. place and and organizations and that's. why there's all these different. selections and you know you want to you. want something different like go go push. yourself to to see if you can cut it and.

and then fit in and and adapt to it. because you can't just say well I just. because it just goes back to like the. person that's asking why like why and. then and then they're just so like well. they couldn't explain why so I'm just. going to [ __ ] them and and but. you're not doing anything to better. yourself or getting yourself if it's a. maybe it's something you can't change so. then you push yourself to to be the best.

like to to make the most impact you can. and that's kind of what I did um is I. looked for there was I was like there's. got to be more there's more out there I. know there is I saw it and and that. first trip I was like there's people out. there like what are they doing and. um. and that's where you know it's there's a. ton of different jobs that you can do. and before we get into what they're. doing and where you want to go and where. you went what are you actually doing in.

the 82nd what is the mission how much. combat did you. see what's the op Tempo how was the. leadership I want I really want to. explore you know what that first combat. deployment what the conventional unit. was like. so I got back from that that Iraq trip. in April of 2004 and and I wanted to try. out for Ranger school that's right and.

because I knew that it was a way for me. to get to a smaller element or or you. know as an E3 you know I went to the 82n. Airborne like pre pre um pre-ranger and. they have a whole like order Merit list. and I think I got like second as on it. as a as an E3 and it was a big deal and. and then when I was going to go to leave. for Ranger school I met Erica my wife. and I was 19 still but I was at a club. in Um Myrtle Beach on a weekend and a I.

had a fake ID and I was drinking in the. club and uh you. know like that changed everything for me. and I was. like well for one she. like she kind of ghosted me after that. so cuz she was like first of all. military and he's. 19 like. R red flags everywhere I think I asked. her to like the military or ball that we.

were going to have coming back military. ball she didn't go and um and I left for. inter school and I got back and I uh you. know that end of that summer and I had. my my phone and I had a voicemail from. her and it was like hey I've been you. thinking about you and and I was like oh. [ __ ] so she lived in like Western North. Carolina but and I just started I fell. in love like very very quickly and and.

you started instant father like I. started raising my own my her son as my. own and he was uh three when we were. dating and and then she got pregnant in. January and then we got married or no we. got married and then then she got. pregnant yeah following year so like you. know I did I was supposed to be going to. do this that and the other after rer. school I did EI I did was going to go do. sniper school and they were like. grooming me to and I went to Battalion.

Scouts that's so then I was like this is. really cool like we got to jump in. during training and before everyone else. smaller elements like you know. reconnaissance type stuff and and. um. but I also was like I. I I was like I'm not going to miss the. birth of my my first child Kyla she's um. so my priorities it was just like nope.

so I I just for a moment I was like no. I'm not I'm not going to continue to to. be away and you know during that period. and. um so I was doing anything everything I. could to to. like and I went to um the Old Guard. that's so I went to the old guard for. what is the Old Guard it's a. the uh they do like The Changing of the.

Guard or the the they guard the two. million Soldier they do like all the. military honor stuff in Arlington but it. was a way for me to get get out of the. 82 and know that I'm going to be there. for the birth for ky's birth and I went. I was there. for 11 months she was born I went to. selection from there I went to fast from. there well hold on yeah hold on you're. getting way ahead of me was like let's.

go back to your first deployment with. the. 82nd what are you guys doing are you. seeing any combat yeah no it was. um I that was the first time I saw like. death you know and like from combat you. know just other than just maybe a family. member that passed away or whatever like. to see death and and to be a part of it. what did you.

see. uh. like us maneuvering and killing you know. killing people and and. then like some of my mates are you know. being pulled out of Humvees and. lifeless and. uh. it yeah so it was um. there was a lot that happened that that.

whole that whole trip was a lot period. um do you want to go into. it I think it it's I think the first. time I I there was two there was two. like big moments I think it was when. like we like maneuvered on somebody that. was either it was a a Ambush position. and we were able to you know flank. through and and you know kill him and.

uh it was just like that it was almost. like it got intimate but only when we. were like clearing through that that. objective that small objective you know. and and it was just like a snapshot was. like what is this this is okay. um and. then like when I first saw one of our. own being pulled out of a Humvee you. know lifeless and dead like just dead I.

was just like. it it was like looking at both ends of. the the the good and the bad or the good. and evil you know and to see it um it. was very it was. confusing uh in. that that space I was in in my own. development what was. confusing like it was it was like. conflicting right like the good guys die. too you know and then the bad guys die.

and the reality set the reality piece of. it just really yeah the reality was not. it became like a very a reality that. just punches you in your heart in your. face you know. and. yeah what were the SF guys doing is that. who you ran into over there there there. was a bunch of different elements but we. supported them on a couple missions and. I remember them and they were the some. of the funner ones or I say funner just.

more thrilling I was definitely addicted. to the thrill of all of it you know and. and. the like the risk you know I think I was. well I know I was a risky risk taker. thrill seeker and it it started to feed. into that and I was like a man this is. cool where it's not like so because. there was some times where it was just. monotonous where we're just like. I'm struggling to stay awake on on guard. you know in the in the.

freaking uh the towers and stuff that we. just kind of threw up and uh we were. just getting mortared or or rocketed. every freaking day and. uh but you know there'd be lws at night. where you're just looking through that. one tube you know or whe if it was 14s. or seven Deltas I don't know. but uh hey man you just like all. right just uh just fighting it but.

uh. um yeah I I uh there was this it was 181. 19 I was 19 I turned 19 over there and I. came like I said I came back after that. trip we we I mean. the the I can't even remember so much of. it it's like I mean I can but accessing. it it's like I haven't thought about.

it. um they're definitely. formative like years and and not just. like I mean it is for anyone that age. period like that that time frame of your. life is is important um well I mean but. but it is like here you go seeing that. stuff right off the bat like that seeing. your you know your boys die. and killing at 19 years old.

yeah what was it about it that that Drew. you farther in to cuz it going into. Special. Operations you're getting drawn in more. yeah I wanted to be more prepared you. know I wanted to be around more a more. capable unit Force you know and um not. that the 82 wasn't it was just it's I. wanted to be a part of a smaller team. and um more flexibility be be more.

agile and um that's exactly what I did. with going to Ranger school and then the. B staying in the Battalion and the Scout. platoon because it's just a platoon that. that supports the whole Battalion um and. then like you know eventually going to. like that next year going to SF uh sfas. Special Forces assessment. um I was like all right this is exactly.

what I wanted when I saw that. um like just How They Carried themselves. and selection and and I was like yeah. man how did you. apply uh I think my well I know my uh. one of the guys that was in my team had. was an 18 x-ray originally and. he you know obviously went through that. whole pipeline the Special Forces like. uh like to join the Army from and right.

into that pipeline kind of thing and. they do all the Special Operations. preparations courses and stuff and then. they go to sfas well he got Road killed. or you know cut so then but he wanted to. go back so he he started really talking. to me about it and I was like let's do. it so him and I went together and uh we. both you know we go that was January of. 06. yep and I got we got picked up.

and I started the Q course the. qualification course and that was a. pretty long long experience but what was. what was selection. like it was interesting I think. um like. it I was very like intrigued. by this out of the box like way of. thinking like I just remember this one. one statement that one of the Cadre made.

he's standing up there and he's like you. know why I have my hands in my pockets. right now he's like cuz I got pockets. and I was just like I was enamored with. that statement I was like it make [ __ ]. it makes [ __ ] sense I've got pockets. like why don't I use them I can't put my. hands in my pockets without getting. detonated on by somebody no uh I was. like it just really connected with me I. was like you know what I like this guy. and and and I also like to be challenged. and uh you know in the physical and the.

the the the cognitive kind of aspects. and the assess and all these different. testings and. um you know and then Land Navigation I. just felt so at peace doing that like it. was just me against the the the the. terrain and myself and the time you know. or whatever it is and but everything. just kind of quiets down when you're out. in the woods and. uh you know.

making making mistakes making you know. bearing uh uh. misjudgments and um it was. just it kind of tied it all together. where it was like okay and um I think. the peace part of it too is like the. challenge of it in the the drive was it. was just I I thrived in that that that. element how many guys were there how. many guys showed up for selection um.

roughly I man it was it was over 10 and. something dudes how many came. out uh I remember so they do like a. formation where like if you're in this. formation you didn't make it if you're. in this formation they start playing. like the the ballot of Green Berets and. you like salute the flag and [ __ ] and um. well that you play a few few things but. um actually like teared up yeah when the.

ball greenber green U the B of Green. Beret. played. um you know because it talks about the. Silver Wings on on your chest you know. America's best and but then not coming. home like you know basically placing. those wings on your on your son's chest. and like for him to carry that torch um. um it was almost like. this yeah it was almost like this um.

this part of me that just knew I was. going to I was going to die in combat. and that was going to be. my like my my my offering my My. Sacrifice my my way of. like escaping everything in in in a way. that looks like honorable or is you know. it's just there was an element of it. that I I'm. like psychoanalyzing from back then but. it was yeah it was a pivotal point I.

think where that was going to be and I. said this for a long time too actually. where I'm going to go down like Bon JY. man and Blaze of Glory like that's. that's how I'm going down uhhuh ain't no. other way um for years that's the way. that I. thought oh for a long time actually but. I would say it back then in SF and it. was culturally like well we were bar. Barrel chested Freedom Fighters man like.

that was like what what we are and. um I needed an. identity I I I yearned to to be a part. of something to help me like feel good. about. myself was there any part of selection. that you found that was what was the. toughest portion for you.

um I I mean the teamweek piece I thought. was really like. challenging but not from a like making. decisions or because things to me like. even back then like I see I'm a very. like visual like shapes and objects like. oh put this together do this you have to. cover this this okay cool like not that. I wasn't stressed out like everyone else. but but then um. communicating that and then like being. in charge for episodic like periods.

where you know people are just followers. because they they just want to do just. enough to like so they don't get cut uh. or spot reports or whatever like peered. um and then there's people that. genuinely want to give you the same. amount of energy that you give them and. it's it's filtering through all of that. during team week that they do a pretty. good job of. but that's uh that was like really. challenging is working through that and.

um cuz you it's like tasks that you. couldn't do on your own like physically. you just can't yeah so you have to like. when you're at your lowest you know or. you just came out of a role it's like. being in Ranger schools like you're the. you get this reinvigoration of like oh. [ __ ] Rost the number blah blah blah come. up here and you're in charge you're the. platoon leader you're the plon start. here's your frago emission. whatever it doesn't matter how you slept.

the night before didn't sleep or how. long you moved you just get this oh [ __ ]. me this is my chance this is because you. only have so many chances and um but. then you want that balance between like. I show up and you know put all my energy. into it when I'm in the spotlight but. then when I'm not I'm just a turd a turd. well yeah turd or just freaking. you're just an anchor right it's like. that's why I love the the military like.

buddy system and and like battle buddy. or or dive buddy like when I'm in dive. school like you are literally anchored. to someone underwater and they and when. you're it's your freaking nav dive it's. like you get these turbo legs dude. you're like and you're just dragging. that person you're like bro like I was. just yanking on the tether like let's go. yeah but then you're that person you're. like man I was trying man I'm sorry like. um but I just yeah that part of um you.

know finding those relationships and. nurturing and developing those with. other other like-minded individuals has. been it's been. um. like like what I've been so uh. passionate about you know and and. putting this putting the amount of. energy that like I would want them you. know or they would want me like I I put. that into them you know and that's been. really great for me for periods of my.

career and then there's been times where. I've just been disappointed in my like. like what do you mean like CU then it. goes back to expectations it's like I. had this expectation of something or. others had that of me but but an. expectation is is a is a recipe for. resentment it equals resentment and. resentment is the enemy. um especially if it's something that. isn't go having goals and and uh.

objectives and and things you're. striving for 100% like but having. expectations of of. of even yourself you know like that you. don't understand and where they're. coming from like that can be extremely. unhealthy and then you'll just never. never be good enough right if you have. these things that you don't even know. like. who you are and you have these. resentments that start building in your. own self and then and then others then.

you're now you're judging others. and yeah it's. um well it's led me to to this point in. time right now where I'm sitting across. from you and of this of sound mind and. and and with this Clarity that I have. and it's because I've been through all. those. things. and it's got I have more to do it just. looks it just looks different you know. so you move into the Q course how many.

guys are on the Q course with. you there's a ton there's like a whole. student company slash swick is a a big. machine uh the training group you know. is a part of uh Special Forces and um. really how many so how many they. graduate like a thousand Green Berets a. year no [ __ ] yeah those numbers are. probably like dated but that's I. remember I was like how many like like.

you just said like it's a lot every year. um and and they were the 1% you know. and it's um of the military and uh and. it they're small you know it's a small. piece of uh of a large you know. military system um so how many how many. selections do they run a year do you. know there's like one a month one a. month they might break twice a year or.

something where there's a gap but how. many selection classes go into a q. course I don't know like I couldn't tell. you how many Q courses a year they're. concurrent they're going on concurrently. so like if you start in one you may. finish in another okay so they're. constantly like uh your cohort I think. is how they did and they've changed it. so many different times now yeah like. you have like. a an OD an ioda is what they did when I.

was going through and um but that was a. they were kind of piloting it and seeing. it if you could like start with a a team. of people an Oda uh and then finish with. them but it's through the branching off. of like the different language programs. and the link of time and then if you. recycle something um there's just so. many aspects to the C the Q course like. from small unit tactics to to the. survival evasion uh resistance stuff and.

then Language School depending on which. language like that changes the duration. and then your MOS is also like I was an. 18 Echo communication. sergeant and you know there's the weapon. Sergeant there's the engineer Sergeant. there's the medical um and those are all. like some of them are close but they. have their own criteria so that's why. it's like there's these. committees in each kind of phase and you.

kind of fall through under a committee. you go in through a committee into to to. successfully completing a portion of the. course and then if you have to recycle. or like Kaye was born my 15-year-old. daughter she was born during the Q. course so I recycle or not recycle but I. came out for her birth and went into. student company and then I just kind of. got lost in the sauce there um because. then I'm just a number you know I was.

like H yeah and wait and waiting you. know to get back into a um a pipeline. basically um CU there's there's a bunch. of people either you know good good. dudes waiting to get in uh like life you. know happen like not going to yeah I. want to be there if I can so I was there. for her birth and. um but then it's just like I also. realized then too I was like man I'm.

just kind of a just a number in this. place. like I want yeah and. then I also you know going through the Q. course it was it was great it was. awesome training man and really kind of. honed in on some of. the. like like I really like take pride in. being a green br and and and I I firmly. believe that like the most like capable.

group of 12 people like in in on a. well-oiled you know cohesive team Oda is. like the most capable Force multiplier. and and. like like combat little element that you. can put in behind in any country and and. and uh make truly make it like. a substantial impact like for 12 people. it's amazing like if you have the right.

people man getting all the like all of. them I didn't see in a short amount of. time and and that's when I pushed myself. to go try out for something bigger or. more you know hold on don't go there yet. sorry let's go so you get through the Q. course where are you going after that so. I. uh I knew that or I've been told that if. you're a Communications guy. Sergeant like they're going to make you. do time in Signal Detachment which is.

like Battalion level like you get your. time in there for a year and then. they'll put you on the Oda so I was like. how do I negate that I went to dive. school and I pres scuba and then uh. during the course and then I went to. dive school and Route but I had already. I went and because one of the dive the. Pres scoop instructors was in the com. like in seven Special Forces group. before. so he actually introduced me to the. company sergeant major before I was even.

out of the Q course like I stood in. front of him it was Brian RAR and I. still stay in touch with him um and he. was he's like all right if you uh if you. make it through Dove school I'll bring. you to this this company and put you on. the dve team and I was like why's that. moved out and then I went to dive school. and that was super easy and uh just. kidding I was like well I've never heard. that before it was it was.

uh man yeah I've never been afraid of a. pool before in my life I thought I love. the water and uh like I also love to. breathe which is a novel concept right. it's like oh I can't breathe under here. oh and you're taking my air source oh. like constantly cool there comes the. wizard you're like oh no don't don't go. to the light. and uh it is a very interesting school. man but like physically challenging and. and and you know the cognitive like.

challenges of it are there's it's it's. not a it's not a game like the Navy like. dive tables and and understanding all of. that and or learning it and. then. um yeah. it's yeah it was a it was a kick in the. [ __ ] dick period And I would just go. to the barracks like and look down at. the pool and Qs and I'm like oh it's. beautiful out there safo special forces. underwater operations I'd be like they'.

be like cruise liners coming in in the. qy west like through the bay and like. you could see them over there they're. going to the other part of Q West and. like I bet they're going to have a great. time and then I like look over at the. pool deck and just like the the. craziness that ensues or that would. happen and like jocking up you know. drills warming up they got to warm you. up before you get in the water yeah and. uh you're like just like drowning people. you're just like what like your mask is.

constantly charged right so like oh get. used to that You' be doing flow kicks. and like and if you know some people. they either they drain it you know. through cracking the sealo like by. squinting or or um or they just can't. close off the nasal like pass and then. they're just like hey Sergeant I'm. trying because they keep come charging. it and then I remember this one time. you can't see anything you just hear and. you're just like one two three you know. doing the FL kicks I can do I do a.

million back then um but my uh D. buddy he he couldn't close off that you. know they they kept charging it it was. like third time and they're like okay. looks like you just want all the water. and they just like slow poured them with. this five gallon from what I can tell is. a 5 gallon but just he was just like oh. my God he's drowning. like like what seemed like for a long. long time and I was.

like. bro what it taught me though was keep. the water in your mask and just close. your [ __ ] eyes yeah like just close. your eyes like it's uncomfortable man. but but it it makes sense and it like. they're teaching you just like with. anything if you can't do something with. your eyes. closed then you need to do it more you. know and that's. whether it's gun handling or or or. um you know like working through uh.

especially like life-saving bits of. equipment like you need to be able to. work through those things and in in. different. conditions. so definitely. um fun fun uh fun time down there I got. I got to take a break. I used to live in Florida and when I. lived in Florida I learned a very.

valuable lesson going through hurricane. after Hurricane after Hurricane after. Hurricane and that lesson is do not wait. for the last minute to get the emergency. type items that you need because they. are not going to be there because guess. who else is looking for that everyone. else around you everybody on the. planet so I invested in some. long-term emergency. food with my Patriot Supply this is a.

one Monon Supply this food lasts for 25. years doesn't go bad for 25 years you. just keep it somewhere safe hold on to. it and then when things like 2020. happened food shortages the next. hurricane maybe a tornado any kind of. emergency guess what while everybody. else is scurrying around trying to. figure out how they're going to survive. this thing you've already got everything.

prepped and ready to go it's I'm telling. you it is the best feeling in the. world to be at home see something happen. on the news and know we're already ready. for this it's no big deal and everybody. else is going to be out there scurrying. around the grocery stores fighting for a. little case of water or some food my. Patriot supp is the nation's largest. preparedness company it is currently. offering a 20% discount on their popular.

3mon emergency food kit go to prep. withth sha.com right now and grab your. 20% savings off each three-month kit you. need that's prep withth sean.com. every single night I was killing people. in my. dreams buddies would die I was killing.

bad guys over and over again and there's. just be bodies like a video game taking. them. [Music]. out sometimes my gun would stop working. and they were like advancing and then. I'd wake. [Music]. up my War my battle was like in my. dreams you enjoyed those dreams. [Music]. I.

[Music]. did I took a a shot on a guy he was he. was reaching for his AK felt different. than the other. ones so we go to his little computer. he's got KBR contractors truck drivers. from like the. Philippines staked on the side of like. this highway in Iraq. [Music]. a huge roadside bomb and I remember. going out to the the Prime Minister.

wanted to go out there and look and I. remember just seeing like shoes lining. the streets cuz and the people blown out. of their. [Music]. shoes that's one crazy about killing. some of those engagements are close real. close come here dude and you're holding. dead bodies as they. [Music].

fade all right Kyle we're out of dive. school you're going to your group where. where did you go seven Special Forces. Group where's that Fort Brag North. Carolina you spent your whole career at. Fort Brag didn't you pretty much nice y.

nice in the training course the Q course. is at Bragg the seventh group was at. Bragg up until a certain are they the. ones that moved to Florida yeah okay um. I never made the move to Florida though. but yeah I went right to that dive team. with the company s major he kept his. word um so I showed up and the Battalion. s major had a real big problem with that. because I had to go do uh impressing and. he was like ah S Morgan he's like oh you.

think you're special don't you he's like. yeah I got I got my eye on you you got. your range of tab and all this other. like I was like what when I showed up I. was like this is the Battalion CSM and. I'm. like what just happened like I did. something wrong you know uh my. going to a school and and and doing it. and like and then that you know it was.

just it was kind of weird to show up and. then that was the reception of it you. know here's like welcome to the unit. welcome to the Battalion with the. group but you know once I got through. that with him like he locked me up at. prayed rest and like I was like whoa um. which I get to a certain extent like hey. this is still the Army um. and. um so I think the.

uh you know it was like it was still. like very shocking to me that um and it. wouldn't be like congratulated like hey. you went to a school that I mean it's. like not very many people go and if they. go not very many people like finish. finish it and cdqc and and combat diver. qu qual course or whatever they call it. now but either way went to the company.

with Brian RAR and and um to the die. Team and met met my uh my new team 745. or. 7215 what was that like were they. welcoming were you pumped to be there. yeah yeah it was. um it was a varied levels of uh you know. experience a few 18 x-rays but guys that. like Bill digatono and Dave Smith and a. couple guys that I just like forever.

friends you know I've just still. honestly reconnecting with some of those. cats has been like such a a great. experience for me because some of my. Fondest Memories were during that that. time as a Green Beret really what are. some of those. memories. like the relationships that that you you. built in in in the team um to to to work. together to accomplish almost like.

sometimes they like see like on the. surface impossible tasks you know and. you're like you want me to do what with. what and without the resources and so. you get very like give me an example. like they're having you do what so a big. one would be the The vill Village. stability operations so vso at a certain. point they. there was a big shift where they wanted. us to go in and and do more of a. traditional like live in the with the.

locals and like unconventional warfare. and you know versus are you talking. about for real or for training right now. for real like in Afghanistan that was. like my last trip with them was was to. do that and conversely it was like. seeing a bunch of different aspects of. what an Oda can do but then to to really. see what you can do is is to go into a. place where for one you're not. wanted and they don't believe that.

you're going to stay and then you stay. and it's like with zero resources. besides what you you bring as as a team. um and then building white space from. there so that was some of the the my. Fondest Memories were were being on that. team seeing seeing all the different. missions that we had and then leading up. to being such an integral part of that. Oda to execute that mission that seemed.

impossible um in in the chu Valley and. connecting. Firebase um Cobra and Firebase Ty in the. in this Valley that up to that point. just natural like terrain kept it lines. of it it limited lines of Commerce all. these things because the Helman river is. was a massive massive river that. basically you know ran north south and. this mountain range the valley and then. one came kind of a finger came all the.

way down to where it was almost just a. foot path around and then everything. beyond that was like you're in a. different country because they were so. limited even through being you know this. is. 2010 being uh you know exposed to us as. a in the country you know and but up to. that point it was only like night raids. or like maybe a a medical civil Affairs. team came in and did a Med Cap or. something and but just pick up and leave.

so they were ingrained they were just. um like the Taliban had had them. brainwashed completely and we had to. sift through like who is truly like uh. like supporter of Taliban and who is. just like trying to survive how long did. it take you to go through how to sort. through. that I don't think we ever really. figured it out yeah but we made it to.

where um we showed them and proved to. them because you have to gain their. trust right and like bringing value. outside of well like we got it like the. Taliban has all this like they're going. to they got guns and they're scary and. all this stuff so what do you guys bring. well let's let's go back to day one M. you know day one of your last deployment. with them and then we'll rewind and go. through all the other stuff but you're. talking about vsso mhm standing up a. village basically and and creating a. fighting force correct yep so when you.

got to that Village had were you the. first Americans that had been there not. not like I said they they had seen us. like but only in at night or in passing. like just raids you know because it was. like it didn't just happen like hey come. come to our village we had to fight. every single day. like in it we were literally exchanging. you know we were in firefights with the. Taliban every single day across the.

river and they cleared out a whole. village s2u and they were like they. damned up the irrigation canals and like. they were running wh Barrel or disas and. whel barrels up and down this thing but. the veg covered it enough to where like. anytime we would get some sort of air. support if we ever did um they could. they would they'd be masked to from. overhead so like they were dug in and we. were so exposed because and every time.

we had to keep that line right that. front line Trace like that was it we. held it and we we switched with third. group and we came in and then we would. do like split team Ops out there because. while we were training half of our team. was training a some sort of local Force. to go come in and like be our security. forces with us and that was its own. separate mission in a sense because it. it took like these are tar heads and. like dudes that you're like nah you're.

you are not the person we're looking for. I'm not giving you a gun and training. you how to use it so I can sleep in a in. a in a in in a four walls where I like. we had to pull our vehicle in it and one. of us was up every single night like all. night period and we would have the. locals like man the checkpoints but like. literally we be pulling security. internally and then hopefully they're. looking outward but really it was like. trying to create a as much um early.

warning as we could so like Constantino. wires with like soda cans with rocks in. them like straight up just getting. creative about you know we've learned. these lessons but you to come full. circle back to that um to being. resourceful and truly like it was very. much to me like what we trained on in. Robin sage and and um the as a part of. the qualif course um the foreign interal. defense or like training the gbas and. Guerilla Warfare and and and but it was.

a lot of it was. um so we one of our elements was back. doing that training the local Force like. to arm them and and then we're the rest. of us are out there so when we switch. like I remember this one this one. mission in particular or not Mission but. Convoy out there they knew we were. coming like they had it was took us an. hour to get out there that we would get. IID constantly. and the this one we'd Crest this one.

like terrain feature and just get. stitched up every single time but we. would this one in particular a new guy. on the team Ryan Hendrickson which is uh. an SF teammate of mine that was his. first deployment with the team and he. was driving and I was like the the the. vehicle I was in the passenger seat and. um that one of the first round rounds it. hit like hits it hits the windshield in. front of him as a drive his face and. just spalls it right like definitely a.

disc around but like he pulled up in. there into the the four walls he jumps. out he goes like walks over to one of. the Afghans and he's like let me get a. cigarette I'm like [ __ ] just starts. CH like smoking this cigarette like and. I was just. like you all right it was just it was. really um welcome to welcome to. Afghanistan yeah and uh you know and he. also he he him and I you know he came to. the team and and he I welcomed him you.

know I didn't like oh you're [ __ ] FNG. right new guy like no like we are a. small element and the last thing I need. is like there to be you haven't earned. the right to talk to me yet I'm like I. never believed in that anyways but that. was one of the things that you the. Forever Friends man like I've come full. circle back but like that was a really. hard trip what was the rotation like it. was like every like was it a week it.

probably no it was like every 3 or 4. days you'd rotate out we'd rotate out. just based on the sustainment piece like. we would have to get resupplied out. there cuz it was you had nothing we were. like [ __ ] in ammo boxes and bags and. burning [ __ ] ourselves like it was. straight up and then this is in bre this. was in um uh arus gon they. um deud so Aron um Province but um the. city center was deud but it was like its.

own like the Malo would get together all. the Mayors and they do these like shuras. and stuff and they were like this big. thing and I got this some of the photos. I I was going to share with you is like. me like speaking in front of the like. the whole thing all of them because I'm. like you guys aren't you're not getting. it. like there's a couple like there's a few. malx out here that missing and all these. things that you're doing are never going. to they're never going to be like. they're never going to take they get the.

traction that they need to to counter to. combat terrorism without the the rest of. this Missing Link here you know because. they're just funneling and training you. know like the Taliban have a safe they. safe haven so I was trying to empower. them to well for them to take ownership. of it and and step up and like volunteer. and we need capable people like that. want to want to help defend their. country and we'll train you but we also. just needed someone to pull security so.

I don't get my throat cut in the middle. of the night yeah every single night. like I would have this these night. terrors where it was. like cuz I mean you you'd hear about. them like sneaking into people's and. just cutting their freaking head like. throats yeah when they're sleeping and. that's why I was I'm sorry this was. Helman Province no it was a ruson okay. sorry about that yeah. Helman so the Helman river runs yeah so. yeah 2010 and the Helman River where we.

were at is probably like 75 yards across. okay I it's a big body of like moving. body of water and like to the point. where we were we were almost supposed to. go do a dive thing to survey the damn. like to redo uh a couple of the bridges. and stuff like we were actually going to. do a dive you know and we ended up. having [ __ ] you guys were going to. [ __ ] die to that River yeah well dude. I used to bathe in it so I I would have. dove in it in a heartbeat like it was it.

was like the only moments of reprieve. you know like you go down there and just. Frolic in the water for a little bit cuz. then every you just you had to be. switched on like all the time so. like uh like I would I would. run like I would run well once we moved. in me back up. we had to we had to clear out the. Taliban from that Village in order to. then get over because we couldn't the.

choke point like to try to get around. the mountain pass here like we it was a. foot path like the most like they' get. the the little bikes through there like. loaded down with 16 people and [ __ ] but. like still like we couldn't use that as. our way to get in and occupy um so we. planned this big mission to to we did a. damn zodiac Crossing. at night and uh we put like an ATV on. one zode with with a bunch of people and. then the other zodiac we like um we just.

did a rope bridge and just like pulled. ourselves across but like we needed. supplies and because we knew once we. went over there like we were going to. like have to own it and um that was the. mission that uh we had gotten reports. from Human intelligence or whatever like. that night before that they they were um. booby trapping the doorways like with. IEDs with explosives and so we're like. okay.

um I'm like is anything changing the. calculus here of like why we're doing. this without like you know planning a. little bit further into this versus like. well we'll just go up and over the walls. or blow holes in the walls I'm like yeah. that's cool that takes forever and. like part of me just was like I wish I. would have said something more. like in that moment but the mission like. through resources everything kind of. came together and we had to do it that.

night and um we did and and. uh coming across like we had to clear. every every like step we took and thank. God we had like a local Afghan force. that was like switch the [ __ ] on with. with finding these things man like but. there was only a few of them so each. like I had few of what few of those. trained Afghans that were expert. expertly trained in in.

detection and uh what are they. detecting explosives IDs yeah yeah with. either Road or like foot or mobile they. saved my life I don't know how many. times like you found a lot of bombs yeah. he's. like uh his name came back to me the. other day when I was talking to um that. MPD guy that was training but. either way he'd like the cow stop I'm. like what he like look he like pull this.

wire like I'm like stop [ __ ] with. that thing dude and just like right in. front of my feet I'm like oh but I mean. they didn't catch all of them and we. did and. uh and it's. like you know going over we had to be be. very methodical with our movement and. using the cover of Darkness to to move. slow slowly through and clearing to get. to breach and we had five elements right.

so it was me and another Oda guy and. then a a squad of uh local forces that. we trained and then one of those like. like the only other Afghan I trusted. like there was one of those cats so it. was like he was up front with. me and. um trying remember his name sorry. um and I got to breach I was like the. lead element and then there was another. two elements that went into the.

irrigation uh to clear that out so my. element was was the furthest North and. then Ryan Hendrickson's element was he. was with the team sergeant and then. their squad. and he goes to I guess the The. Interpreter like stepped in front of the. doorway at the the building he was at. um and he goes to tell him like no don't. don't get out of the doorway and when he. did that like he basically put his.

weight on to the pressure plate ID and. and just set it off and [ __ ] you just. heard I heard like the explosion and. then I just I heard and felt like a thud. a body just thud you know hit in the. ground and then pause and then these. whales of just pain and Agony and I and. I knew the vo the voice I could hear it. the earshot you know and crickets on the. radio and I was just like oh [ __ ] and I.

went to go run over there because it. wasn't it wasn't that far from Me Maybe. 50 yards like not direct but very. indirect route but straight line 50. yards and I went to go run and and akmed. Sha akmed Sha grabs me again I'm like. nobody puts their hands on me and he. says Kyle his English wasn't great but. like when he spoke to me I knew like. what how like it was serious like when.

he spoke to me in a way that he did and. he's like no let me go and but it felt. like it took so long to get back to Ryan. and when I got there like with him. clearing in front of me so I didn't he. didn't want to see me get he they just. cared so [ __ ] much and. um I got there and and just the snapshot. I still I can see it is the team.

Sergeant's on his knees like over here. and like Ryan's over here in agony like. bleeding blood is everywhere and just. bleeding out and I'm like what in the. [ __ ] are you doing and he's sitting. there like on his knees like trying to. pull his TNI it out and it's still in. the. plastic and I just I'm like you're [ __ ]. useless like in my mind and just went. went over and by that point uh my other. teammate George like got had gotten.

there and actually got the tourniquet on. uh Ryan's leg and then I was able to. help George like you know work through. the stuff with Ryan but his leg was just. hanging on by like the flesh the meaty. part of his. um uh skin and uh tissue and and just. like he had lost so much blood. and I didn't think he was going to make. it like right there.

and um but I knew that like we I was. like all right who's got a litter who's. got the litter you know I'm like. starting taking control like as they're. working like J's you know making sure. the tourniquet stop the bleeding and. then we're splinting his leg with his. own rifle and like like to try to like. put it back into place and and then. I look at the medic and he's I'm like. he's like where's I'm like where's the. litter he's like we don't have one I'm. like you don't have a litter I'm like.

you don't even have a pol litter like. what not like so I was like about to. just like detonate right then but I was. like all right so I just went into and. found a WBY and just freaking busted out. a WBY and. uh put him on that and I was like. [ __ ] grab a corner let's [ __ ]. let's go you call in the Medevac tell. them to come right there. and and like out of like using that we.

were taking fire from the Taliban over. here using the buildings to mask our. movement it it it was exposed but it was. maybe 5 600 yards from the the injury. site and you know so they they're on the. horn with the medac and but we're. starting to move them in uh the freaking. Ponch or the the the WBY just freaking. rips all apart and we stop and I'm like. the team Stant tells me that wait they.

won't land right there we got to move. them another K another kilometer that. way I'm like [ __ ] all that I'm like no. you tell them it's it's safe where we're. at like we got you covered like come in. and get him out of here and I got into. this like back and forth with him and I. was like all right [ __ ] it you make make. a. decision. silence all right [ __ ] it this is what. we're doing and I throw uh Ryan on my.

shoulders and just run with him for that. whole like thousand yards man and got. him placed him on the helicopter and. said goodbye to him and I didn't think I. was going to see him again I he had like. almost like no life left in his. body and uh. I just that was like such a. somber feeling after like the Hilo left.

and it was just like everything just hit. me all at once and I was like what in. the [ __ ] just. happened and. uh yeah I had to reather myself and. then continue to like do the mission and. we ended up. you know clearing killing a bunch of the. Taliban and clearing them out of there. and then I think we ended up finding 27.

Boby trapped IEDs took a long time it. took a long time to clear through all of. it how many bad guys did you kill with. us in a I mean I don't there's no the. teens you know local area yeah but they. they would just go up into the mountains. and and then they'd just harass us you. know continual lead and because they. were they were going to wait us out. they're like they're not going to stay. you know so and then they were like but.

we left you some presents down there so. just just even to get the locals to come. back and like live in their houses we're. like no no we're going to stay like. they're like well no there's boom boom. you know I'm like yeah show us we'll get. rid of it but cuz we were doing the old. like let's just search for them and then. it got to the point where it was like. nah how about anything out of place you. let us know this is your home yeah like. if something looks out of place you let.

us know we'll come deal with it because. that that town wasn't the town we were. going to stay in it was the one across. the river cuz that Malik the mayor is. the one that had all the pool and all. the surrounding like um isolated towns. you know so if we could get him on board. in our you know with what we were trying. to do then we knew that we we would with. our efforts and then the Oda from the. north coming from. Cobra um was doing the same thing from.

the north and. uh you. know us taking that Valley cost us like. uh three three guys Oda guys like. lives and. um you. know it's um it was a really hard hard. deployment with so many different. like like there wasn't moments of. reprieve like you you just were just.

stuck in it you know and then it started. to become like all right well [ __ ] this. sucks what am going to do about it I'm. going to go for a run so I suck at. running let me run so I would create my. own little white Space by I'd have like. a tourniquet wrapped around my waist. extended out all the way just right my. Ranger panties and then like I'd have a. grenade in one hand and my pistol in the. other and you would go through a jog. through the and I'd run up to this the.

highest point with a hand grenade and a. pistol yeah yeah and and it was creating. white space it's like Sops man. psychological operations and I'm like. I'm not afraid and it wasn't that I. wasn't afraid I was trying I wanted to. make the situation better and the only. way to do that was to show to show them. the locals that I'm not afraid to these. these [ __ ]. inbreds these that we're like cave. dwellers like no I'm not and.

um I mean the pistol was to [ __ ]. throw the grenade use the pistol and. then save one round if I need to for. myself you know and um cuz you're not. capturing me but it's also just a part. of. like just being in that that space where. you're not getting resource you're not. getting the support you actually need to. accomplish the mission they're like oh. you're buying how are you arming them.

well you're not giving us all the like. the gun the AKA to arm these locals like. and we're buying you know guns on the. black market and then you got a problem. with. it okay yeah there's a [ __ ] up like. system here and the disconnect between. like oh this this vsso site is the same. as that one is the same as that one I'm. like do you realize the sheer geography. difference and and then the cultural. differences in just like one Province or. two or three like you can't just say.

well why is this one so successful and. this one's. not get the [ __ ] out there and see yeah. like get out there and live with us I. think it's. uh it's rewinding a little bit back to. the P grenade and Pistol you know as as. funny as that sounds and and you know. every single soft guy that I've ever. worked with you know. they we all say that last round in the.

pistols for yourself and and it's just. it sounds like nothing right now to me. and you because we're so used to that. but as a civilian yeah and there are a. lot of civilians listening that's a. [ __ ] real thing you saved the last. pistol round you have for yourself yeah. if it wasn't like it wasn't like I was. intentionally going out. to like because I didn't I because I. didn't want to be here because I wanted. to die it wasn't a death Mission it was. a a risk I was willing to take to make.

our situation. better even just a little bit and and I. saw the gain that it would have by you. know but then also the risk comes with. like you have to understand the. consequences and the consequences of of. doing that or just being in that. environment period. or that they will come and like kidnap. you and or capture you and cut your head. off or you know dishonor you or or uh.

things that I uh so like that last. Brown is is truly for me to take that. off of the table for them yeah you know. it's not a selfish act it's uh it's an. act that I've talked talked through and. thought through and it's a you don't. want to wind up on National Television. get your. head for your family to see just the. screams that you that they're just.

implanted in your head from seeing those. videos and hearing them. and. like whether they're drugging you or not. like I ain't you're not going to we're. not going to get there homie like I'm. not I'm I'm not doing it. like and you got to be okay with the. fact that that's one of the courses of. action that you will have to happen. could potentially have to happen yeah. and I can look at you in the eye and. tell you that oh I've I would have I.

would have done it over just like that. to because I saw. what the benefit was the trust that we. built and and then the people like the. locals started just flocking in back. home they were and they would just thank. us like people that they were like no no. like you guys the Taliban are just going. to come in and once you guys leave and. make us all pay and um just through like.

this uh archaic like the the Sharia law. and you know all these things of like. you. know just the stuck in the stone like. the a the stuck in you the past of of. they haven't evolved as a as. a from a like societal perspective and. how long were you and just care and like. human. um decency how long were you on your.

team in the village before that the. locals decided they trusted it enough to. come back um probably it was like it was. um interval or you know you'd see like. you know one or two the word would. spread and then they like okay they come. try us out they come feel us out we'd. hold these big shuras in in the town now. in the the the uh the town was haar um. and uh and then we stand up in front of.

everybody you know and and tell them hey. this is what we're doing we're opening. we're going to we're going to build a. freaking we're going to build a bridge. right here and we opened up lines of. Commerce that had hadn't happened in the. history of like their society you know. and connected outside of just a little. mo mo Moto like now you Drive dump. trucks down this road and I say we I. mean we were the effort but I mean that.

took a ton of resources it's moving like. mountains like moving a mountain and uh. but that's the uh the impact in putting. our money where our mouth was like for. real is like investing in that and not. and I'm just really thankful that we as. a a team got to say these things were. going to happen and then they did versus. like oh yeah promises this promise you. that promise you this and and then we. just pick up and move out because.

another mission comes in that's a bigger. priority and so it was really good to to. see that but it took a couple months for. them to really start to believe that. months huh months wow yeah so it was you. they're like yeah you want to you want. to a building in our village sure what. about that one we're like no what about. that one we're going tactical Advantage. all this you know uh can we defend it is. it fortifiable like nope they gave us. like the most dilapitated like walls and.

it was literally like four walls that. were barely hanging on and uh they're. like that's all yours it's brand new. it's great you're going to love it and. uh and me just like and then we got in. this mix of like oh we don't want to. build a Firebase all over again so it. needs to look like on the surface it. needs to look like it's uh just another. you know another home and uh but then. it's like well what about our security. Force.

protection they're like was my security. yeah. sorry um that's where it gets and. they're like what are you guys building. out there you need all these hescos and. this and that I'm. like what [ __ ] planet are you from. yeah like where are you right now and. they're they're in this same country and. their soda like [ __ ] their cure Ed. coffee is too cold and I'm like w y'all. come out here for a little bit man and.

like you'll understand a little bit more. about what we're asking it's. not yeah this it's very it was very hard. to work in that environment where. they're asking so much of us through. blood and Sweat Sweat Equity and like. and um um uh. like no this is the mission like. the but then but then they won't. resource it or support it you know in. the way that it should and that was.

where that's why I was like I. through the rotations I've done before. and like that was the straw that broke. the candles back for me I was like I got. to get I got to find something else. where I'm getting the [ __ ] out yeah so. what happened did you did you see your. friend again that you put on a. helicopter so Ryan actually. so when he was in his in transit back to. either in Germany or in the states he. actually mailed a letter um to Erica and.

we still have it somewhere but it's like. chicken scratch he's probably doped out. of his mind you know but he's he wrote. he wrote something like you know Erica. thank you so much for for supporting. Kyle you know you don't I don't know if. you I don't you don't know this but he's. my hero he saved my life and something. along those lines and. like uh and then they he was actually. one of the first ones to do like the.

limb Salvage and they actually. reattached his leg wow and and he's. redeployed as an Oda on an Oda team like. several times no [ __ ] after that and. just recently retired um he wrote a book. called tip of the spear um and I. couldn't be more proud of him as a human. being and. um just reconnecting with him after. being in the shadows for 10 years after. that like it it's been such a great. healing experience for me and like I we.

even he's told me things that I just. didn't like I mentioned earlier that I I. didn't remember but he would come back. in and too and it was was just so it was. so great to have the conversation with. him from his perspective and then mine. and. um like and then I'm just more I could. be more proud of him as a as a human. he's and he's doing missionary work in. Ukraine like no [ __ ] he's got a heart of. gold man and like you know I think he. deployed three or four more times with.

another with an Oda once he finally like. recovered fully from it I mean like it's. it's insane to me how they were able to. do that but modern like science and you. know they they did say that like had we. not gotten the bleeding stopped when we. did like he would have for sure been. dead I mean even just seconds you know. and wow cuz he tried himself a couple. times he just couldn't get it on to his. he couldn't make sense of what was. happening to hear his perspective is. amazing and um what's his name Ryan.

Hendrickson yeah maybe you can link me. up with him for sure yeah absolutely. um yeah I. I I just people like. that is it it's a really good like. feeling to had worked with with people. like that and then to see them through. their own struggles and physical and. just to come out on in psychological. like that is attached to all of it to.

come back out and be the same person I. had conversations with pre-injury you. know and that's just like such a um. because that happened with my Oda. Commander too from that trip um he. stepped on an IED and lost both his legs. above the knee and. um this is the guy that played the cross. at West Point the freaking stud Ben. Harrow Benjamin Harrow and. um when I reconnected with him like.

after his after he stepped on that ID. and like that happened I went to Walter. Reed with my family and was going to go. cuz I would just went to selection and. was in the waiting period of something. and or at started the training course. and I was like I got to go right after. the injury as soon as we got into and he. uh came back into and was at Walter Reed. Ben Harrow like I went up to DC and was. like I'm going to I don't know but I. just want to show him like I'm here and. um he wasn't I went up there and to I.

got all the way to the same the floor he. was on and this is like a week after he. um lost both of his legs. like he wasn't ready to see see people. but I left like a basket and a. note uh like telling him hey man like. I'm you know I'm I'm here like I know. your team is over there but I'm here um.

and then after that I had i' head down. doing doing what I was doing in the unit. I was in and to be able to reconnect. with him when I was going through the. national Intrepid center of excellence. um uh TBI treatment at Walter Reed I. reconnected with him and it was. like he's getting around on his getaway. sticks man like. double m above the knee he had to he has. like a world record for regrowing Femur. from it was it was so far there wasn't.

enough femur to to to attack or to be. able to support or tie on to a a. prothetic he wasn't going to walk so he. refused to let that happen so he did. some like just like a he always was that. type of person and man like they went. and like would have to rebre and fra and. traction break traction and to and you. regrew not only enough to like put on a. prosthetic but like holy [ __ ] like some.

crazy amount of like six inches of femur. or something I don't know but it's um. it's amazing to me to see these guys. that I've you know fought side by side. with and and uh while I'm going through. my own my own missions and and struggles. and and to come back together and we're. all the. same the same good caring you know. people that I remember just with a whole.

lot of you know story behind. us and you know that's what really. drives me to know that it's not too late. unless you say it. is. but. yeah let's take a break yeah that's a. good break. segment I kind of skipped around but. we're good when we come back we'll pick. up with after that deployment when you. got back.

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off the Jihadi Manifesto was recorded. right before his December suicide. bombing which killed seven CIA employees. and a Jordanian agent at this base in. eastern Afghanistan. so everybody wasn't supposed to be. outside there it was just supposed to be. the GRS team to meet him uh Darren and. the Jordanian uh officer were supposed. to be there and that's.

it that was a last minute thing there. everybody comes out to to form a. greeting line and unfortunately that. gets a lot of people killed that. wouldn't have otherwise been dead today. we will get you. cia8 inshallah will you get you. down he boastfully showed off the. trigger or the bomb strapped to his body. look this is for you it's not watch it's. Detonator to kill as much as I.

can un benounced them there was like. let's go out for this mean and greet. line. uh I don't know if you know this I mean. we worked at the same Department over at. CIA. [Music].

all right so you just wrapped up your. final deployment with your SF. team you're back. home yeah so what's happening. um uh come coming back home you know I. was prepping. for I had to go back. to the and redo the the 18 Mile in the.

board for the selection and assessment. up in West. Virginia because I had. went uh to West Virginia for the for. that assessment um before that. deployment and they told me like I need. to go get some more. experience um so you tried out for the. unit the unit yep yeah the cad comat.

applications group or uh Special Forces. operational Detachment Delta um and they. told you you needed more experience how. many how many deployments did you had up. to that. point four four deployments they were. long deployment to include the 82nd. deployment yep so I mean all of them. were 6 8 n month deployments you know. and but this is a short amount of time.

from 20023 to we're talking about spring. of 2010 when I went to assessment for. that and I I made it through everything. and then uh when they do the last thing. in the board I I didn't want to talk. about some of the things that. I needed to grow like I like I still was. in this like team mindset of that's just. team business man I ain't talking about. that and they're not looking for that.

kind of person you know it doesn't. matter how capable you are you know cuz. I had made it through everything up to. that point and you know that was a very. humbling period where I was just like. well that didn't make sense and then I. couldn't see it for what it was and and. I needed to go do that other trip where. where uh I just talked about what I'm. sorry what did they not. like um it's not that they didn't like.

something there's a lot of psychological. evaluations they do and you know they're. they're very much like paying attention. to the whole person mhm um so you can. physically make it you know through time. making whatever the time standards are. and and uh the great equalizer is uh the. terrain you know so you can only recover. from so many mistakes you know no it. doesn't matter how physically fit you. are if you are on the wrong Mountain.

ridg. line you're on the wrong Mountain yeah. and you ain't recovering from it so you. have to you have so like it was I felt. you know it's it's. a it was um a a very physical process. man and you against yourself and the in. a clock that you don't don't get to see. and um and that's why it's like the. mindset I've always had is let like let. them I'm going to let them tell me. no um but then to be told no it was like.

well hold on a minute what do you mean. Everyone likes me and I just did this. like what so I came home kind of like. what do I do with my hands you know and. and then I but then quickly I was like. my team needs me so I went and deployed. um to that Village stability operations. Mission and do you think talked about do. you think that was a. generic a generic response you need you.

need more experience I mean four combat. deployments is a lot of experience know. I think it's a maturity thing you think. it was a maturity absolutely is how old. were you when you 20 first tried out. spring of. 10 I don't do public math Sean about 25. 26 27 okay 26 and I needed I needed that. that other that next that I went to. sodic after that I went to the special. the sniper school and and then then I.

deployed you know for nine months doing. that vsso thing came back and I was. going to take over as the assistant team. Sergeant but I had to make a choice like. because I knew that they they said go. and get some more experience right but. it was that was that's as vague as it. was and part of that was on just on me. to read between the lines and either say. [ __ ] it like tried they didn't want me. they missed out on me um or like used it.

to to help like capture some of the. things that I I couldn't see for what. they were at the time and and I I went. back and did the Long Walk and then. um the board again and it was a. different experience how long is the. walk. uh which one how long is the long. there's the one in the beginning that. you do is 18 miles and then uh it's like. it's like you do your PT test you do the.

18 M and then um and then you're just. like that's a prequel you know like pre. prere you that cuts a lot of the Riff. Raff if you show up and you didn't know. that was coming yeah and um I mean I. I've ran the selection a few times as. Cad and it's really amazing to see you. know from both perspectives how many. people are showing up to um selection. for that it it it varies but I'd say. they screen out to where there's 110 to.

20 that show up like beded and. they're the screening pool is very you. know vast and uh they're pretty. selective on just being able to attend. and. then you if you don't if you don't make. it depending on which point like you. still get. uh it's the most professional like. course I've ever been to and then. running it you see like how to run a. professional course a military training. course and or or just a any training.

course like it's so it's like that. perfect course on the surface but behind. the scenes you got all these people just. looking for work and constantly filling. holes how many people were from other. branches um roughly. I mean a vast majority is from the Army. um I'd say there's a in the like single. digit you know numbers you have guys.

from different branches that show up. um yeah were you more confident the. second time around well yeah cuz I. didn't I mean for one I didn't have to. do the whole thing I just had to I I. went in when they were like finishing up. another course and then I just did the. last the last like couple days oh God. and. when I say it was like a different. experience it was because I. was I was I. matured like a lot and a lot of that was.

like I needed to be there to help save. Ryan's life I needed to be there to to. help like save other people's lives um. to to help you know rid uh those. Villages and the area of of terrorism. and and uh my team needed me and that's. it's actually like a a great I feel. really I kind of I use that to help like. give. myself I was really hard on myself about.

that like it was like oh [ __ ] me like. first time I didn't pass something like. oh like what does that mean it didn't. make sense you mean no or come back and. then we'll talk to you you know it's. like this and then I started telling. myself well you know they want me but. they don't then they do you know it's. just like I just [ __ ] show up and see. what they say and uh I did and I was. able to it was a different experience. meaning like I was able to talk about. things that I just I get it that you.

have it's the. mission the men and me right like it's. it's a you're part of an organization. that that the impacts are they're. strategic they're National it's a. national like Mission force and they. need people that can you know not just. uh physically you know uh like fit a. mold or adapt they they need you to be a. decision maker your process your ability. to process and and make decisions on.

sound judgment tactically or and. strategically because the impacts they. have second third or effects that you. kind of hear about you know when you're. there uh you know working my way up to. the military like oh yeah there's this. whole second third or effect thing it's. like it's like officer jargon right the. fact is is that you see it there. and you. have like your choices and decisions you. make they have like strategic impact and.

uh and like policy driven by conop like. US policy there isn't one so let's we. force this with a conop a concept of. operations a mission that we create and. and then they like well let's put. something okay cool and I mean it's it. makes sense looking back at it and it. makes sense in that moment uh when they. said all right you know congratulations. and you know I think I got te I imagine.

that and uh that was probably the last. time I remember crying for a long. time after that so it felt. good well not crying doesn't I mean felt. good that you got going to OTC yep and. then I showed up for at Braille and that. was a big thing too cuz the sth group. was moving to Florida as that was. happening so I wanted to like tell you. know the my family like hey this is what. we're doing versus what I was what I was.

doing was like just hold on like just. wait a minute let me I'm G to sort this. out I'll find out and then I let you. know so you want you're like good news. family we're not going to Florida we get. to stay right here to stay right here in. fville I'm sure they were stoked well it. it's one thing I can say is that they've. been able to you. know grow up in the same and have some. like some of the same friends that from.

uh Elementary School to like graduating. high school and um that's uh I didn't. have that and I wasn't a military child. like and it it was that that piece I. know that even though I've been you know. out outward facing for so long like I've. been able to provide that through you. know the the jobs that I've been given. or made it to and then been a part of. you know so there is some Silver Linings.

in it well let's get into. OTC so you made it your selection you're. going through the training pipeline. what's day. one I just remember showing up and being. like man this place is. serious and I'm like I was so like. light-hearted. a lot of that was I think like a defense. mechanism like oh you smiling and happy. and you got to like me you know.

um but that was actually one of the only. times I took a photo and didn't smile. was when we checked in that day cuz it's. like and then they get your badge and. I'm just like in like a collared shirt. like dressed down you know and. um I was like damn it looking back on it. I was like it's the only one they got. cuz I took I I smile it on every other. photo which is like kind of. um if you look at the the the wall it's. like where all the graduating classes.

there is for one there isn't like a oh. going to graduate 12 people per. operators and direct support like it's. going to be this many no you'll see. classes with one you'll see two but they. have them historically across the since. uh 70. 1978 um. and it's really cool to be a part of. that um once you finish I mean the. training course but that's only the. beginning you know how long is the. training course um it's about 6 months.

of you know very heavily focused in. in uh Marksmanship and um Close Quarter. battle so really focused in hostage. rescue and learning you know learning. what it what it actually means to you. have a new job like you you you come. with your body of experiences and. different services and different you. know jobs and that's cool but if you. can't let go of the fact that you're.

being asked to do a new one you won't. you won't make it and I say make it you. never make it even when you excuse me. even when you graduate and go across the. hall it's uh selection is an ongoing. event does. the what's the attrition like once. you're that's what there isn't like. there's no metric to it's a it's truly. like. a like it only takes one person to.

believe in you for you to make it like. to the next gate you know and um but at. a certain point if everyone is unanimous. you're. gone through the training course and. then beyond that like everyone's job is. on the chopper block it's it's yours. it's yours they're going to hand you a. tool here's your hooligan tool Halligan. and be the best hooligan tool carrier. there is and then they're going to.

slowly ask you to do more and do more as. your aperture starts to open and you can. see more of the room see more of the. your awareness starts to pick out uh. pick up because you know it's. not I mean they they've already selected. the right person and now it's just a. matter of of is this is this. person like continuing to adapt and. develop to the environments that we're. throwing him in so it never ends.

no no it's it's. it's you struggle to be mediocre in a. place like that in a in in a high the. highest. performing group of people on this. planet in one place and. um it's a it's a it's a lot. um but it just depends on what your. priorities are what's your goals where. did you. go uh I went to um one of the saber.

squadrons one of the what saber. squadrons so theor like and this is the. history of the unit was during the 70s. there was a the the a lot of the uh. kidnap not kidnap foron but the the. flights were being held hostage and and. um like uh airliners excuse me and and. the military DOD was asked to all right. here's the here's a problem set what's. your answer or what's your solution so. they looked the dod looked at the at.

large in the 70s and were. like uh we got kind of we got this maybe. they could do it and like a airline. takedown. um uh aircraft taked down and um the. answer was we didn't have something so. you know Beckwith and. uh his his you know Vision with uh the. 22 SAS you know and spending time there. and they the the regiment and the United.

Kingdom um you know adopted and and and. founded what is uh was originally you. know the two A and B Squadron like and. everything was built off of that the. spine is the long hallway where the two. saber squadrons are off of it but then. all the support mechanisms are there too. um but that's grown you know grown to. the mission so you know in the 90s they. stood up. SE uh and you know a sea squad from.

Blackhawk Down and Mishu and and that. that time frame and then in the late 20. 2009 they stood up a um a fourth. Squadron and then we've we. grew exponentially to to dismantle the. caliphate in Isis because this the whole. like political environment of we can't. go back into boots on the ground again.

and this and that we're like what the. [ __ ] are we going to do they're going to. come here and cut our heads off yeah. like they're literally cutting Americans. heads off like what are we doing about. it well we got these units out there. that can you reach Reach Out And Touch. Somebody okay cool that's great to be a. part of which was and you know it's but. that that's only one piece of it like we. have to dis we underestimated them by a. lot and once we got a look under the.

hood going out and in in early. 2015 when we were going after. um uh the Abu SF and Abu Tunisia they. they were like the oil Amir and they. were just running running oil in the. black market and like they would took. over old oil refinery towns and like. like forced labor and if you wouldn't. work they kill you um from the Syrian.

like. people and um but they were also. like Cayla Mueller was the last uh. American that was alive um and we tried. to grab go and rescue um on a couple. time a couple attempts. um her and a few others but we were. always just a little bit and I say we it. was just it's a big moving piece to get. us over into that those positions and.

then not spook them and there's so much. that goes into it and you get really one. swing at it and then you have. to bottom line is is. that. like it's just the pure evil like the. I'm. and radical extremism like you take. Al-Qaeda you take Isis and then you make. Isis into the Sunni extremists.

where you know. we policy by or excuse me you govern. from a political campaign promise and. you pull us out of Iraq and two things. happen the Sunni extremism takes the. [ __ ] off and then guess who hates them. Sunni or Shia. Iran like they they come in and fill our. void where we as a country like left in. 2010 11 12 in. Iraq.

and and then it's like then it becomes. this enemy of my enemies my friend and. um because everyone hated. Isis. but we had to operate in that. environment I see we as the as represent. representatives of the US government. battle space owners even our unit became. battle space own it's like what we're. out there with the like Syrian. Democratic forces you got one of us in. like hundreds of San SDF like real time.

like pushing this flot well Russia's. coming from this side Iran's just doing. all its thing and trying to wipe Israel. off the face of the. Earth and like that's where they've. always wanted that like to get to and. this was an opportunity They seized. years ago and the only thing that kept. them from going straight to there was. was Isis and it kept them you know more. preoccupied while.

we had to grow to the ability to to to. hold. terrain where where hostage rescue. direct action. likeget I didn't realize you guys were. doing that [ __ ] yeah this whole boots on. the ground [ __ ] like so I have a very. like people ask me under different. um uh presidential like times like you. know what do you think about serving. under this or that like Obama for. example I have a skewed like perspective.

of what it's like to serve in the. military during that time frame because. I got to do my job us and seel Team Six. got to go and [ __ ] get after it you. know and but at a certain point like we. just became well they'll just deal with. it they got it they that button they. they pushed that button and we're like. and there ain't no return button on. there like how do you get home so. there's no like [ __ ] oh yeah you guys. got to get back okay cool um and this.

this. like going and doing that mission like. it was the perfect size Target for uh a. squadron of us to just to flood you know. and we went so deep. into we caught them with their pants. down they were literally like oh my God. the Americans are here and I think we. killed like 40 of them like internal to. Target we probably killed 12 to 15 like.

close range and then external to Target. they were running down the streets dark. as [ __ ] just shooting [ __ ] wrong. buildings and stuff man and just getting. their jot on you're like up there just. like it went back up to the roof to go. throw the fast rops off the the top of. the roof and the snipers are up there. just filling dudes in and I was just. like what is going on up here it was a. like a like a firefight from the moment. we got in until the moment we left I. have no idea well I have an.

idea there's just so many different. things that happened on that mission. where let's go through it in detail. um well it was uh it was good to go. after abuth and he was the last one that. had Caleb. Mueller um. being held and like raping her and all. the stories that you'd hear from the. Ziti slaves that would be either like. they' uh not be freed but they'd escape.

and um it was just [ __ ] disgusting. man and it just was I just sat we sat. over there because we went over there to. go like two periods of Darkness we're. going to go do this go get Kayla and. then that turned into she's been killed. and and then he moved Target. so we it's like the. longest uh no notice deployment warm. start cold whatever you want to call it.

is uh and we stayed there like with. intense just like waiting for months and. then we finally got a window and we went. and it was this big M moving piece from. from ARB all the way. into um deep into Syria like aerial ref. fuels. like it was a big a big mission they. consider it a treasure Trove of. intelligence that we got from that it.

was like something like 7 terabytes of. of of just like intelligence that we. captured and let's go through it so you. went in by Hilo yeah so I was on the I. was on the 60s and we my team fter up to. the rooftop it's two was three stories. but the third story was a coula with a. stairwell that went down the center so I. think four up condos apartments so two.

on the top floor and then two on the. bottom um we cycled in so the four. little birds went into the ground on the. street with the other. troop uh to flood the floor the bottom. floor and then we roped in the the roof. and flooded but we timed it to. where um the their charges we knew their. charges were going to go off before we. could get ours on. um and we and when that. happened um it blew our door the doors.

our breaches open so and I'm coming down. the stairwell in the KOA and my like two. ic's up front and it's a stairwell that. you know landing and then coming back. down and I see this. guy uh a shadowy figure kind of through. I could see from I was on like a the. halfway down on the stairs and I could. see into the apartment after the door. blew open and you know the breaches. right behind the two i's and they were.

now they're like oh [ __ ] they're. sticking the Chargers on the on the wall. to get out like to put them up to get. their their hands back on the rifle. and this dude comes flying in or out and. may maybe he got within 2 feet of my my. mate and I and he had he was hiding. behind this. female and I could just see it like he's. running out with the pistol and like to. her head and like he had no idea we were. right there.

and before it became more of a thing. like I was able to to see that even just. a snapshot of like I'm talking 3 or 4. feet of like depth into the room they. came from I was able to key off that and. then I shot him from the stairwell in. the in essentially in the top of his his. uh his head and then he just supermanned. down the stairs and she kept like.

running um before that. became he made it like it would have. been like. from me to you me like closer than that. to my teammates holy [ __ ] um it was a. really tight shot like period like. between her head his head and then my. mate. like his off his rifle um under nods. so that was just like this is how this. is going to start you know and then we.

just kept kept going and um I mean there. was like moments where dudes and this is. why I when I teach people CU I learned. this lesson and my mates did like if I. take my one of my hands off my. rifle I'm going to transition to my. pistol to do whatever it is I need to do. you know lift something up because. downstairs they they got into a. situation where they open a closet door. and there's a chick that jumps out or.

whatever. and behind the he goes to grab the one. of my mates goes to grab the female off. of you know out of there and then an AK. gets shoved in his face and he like. grabs the the barrel and the dude just. starts racking rounds off like next to. his head and he's just controlling the. the muzzle with with his own hands now. he's he's in a wrestling match now yeah. and um now my other mate had to like get. into a position to like take a shot on.

this cat. and and that's to to me I'm like and. it's the same way with like ladders like. I'm they've shot someone on a roof from. popping up where ISR said they the roof. was clear and um they're hiding under. layers of [ __ ] man then you get a gun. shoved in your face you're like well. well at least I have my Red Dot site. looking through my nods as I'm coming up. on a Ladder rung but it's. uh it it it's something that I talk.

about and it's founded in like real. world experience on why you know with. like rifles aren't meant to be shot with. one hand like it's it's I'm strong and. we're there's a plenty of strong people. out there but you know that's not the. way that they're they're meant to cycle. and and to function and not damn sure. not shoot accurately or surgically so. for me it's like but I can do that with. my pistol in one hand if I need to um so.

transition how did they op. end man we got. like it the daps barely made it back the. close there are like are like they got. shot through the the fuel refueling boom. and like they barely were able to fly. those things back wow it was. a we. probably I mean we we [ __ ] them up.

like period and anyone that was still. alive that was Isis they came in the. leadership came in and and executed them. for not dying with their. commanders. but um but it allowed us to look. into holy [ __ ] they're moving tons of. money on the black market and the oil. and the just the web of like how serious.

like it it was. becoming and uh how much it could have. been like our reality at home yeah. um yeah and it and that led to between. the intelligence we got then to to. capturing his wife and them. interrogating her um the. Kurds uh to to pinp porting Al. aldad where we are where we were able to.

go over and and kill. him and I all stem from that op mhm. [ __ ]. amazing let's rewind yeah let's rewind a. little. bit so you get through training you show. up to be. What's the culture like I didn't say be. I did just know. though. um it's kind of. um you know everybody like there's this.

whole. stigma like the personalities of a. squadron and B has this. like oh man as long as you don't go to B. when you're going to OTC or when you. graduate you're going across the Halls. oh you go to be man you be good it's. like this it's that's the one everybody. wants no no no it's like this like. Ranger. like it's. it I believe that there was like there. is personalities and like and they have.

their own and it's very much its own. like fighting force you know and. selfcontained um I and I did see some of. I think the residual like pieces pieces. of it where you get this whole like. blowoff Beast s blowoff it's like a it's. so you know through the hallway with. other squadrons you know it's just like. but then then I'm there and I'm like n. [ __ ] that like smiling in the [ __ ]. photos and stuff I'm like what you want. me to no that's what we do goes back to.

the why like why oh well it's just what. we do I'm like oh. cool okay like I'm just going to. accomplish the mission perform to the T. the tasks that I'm asked and and if you. and it's very much a performance-based. organization like and if you can. if you can continue to perform at at. such a high level then you'll be. successful um but there's this.

uh like it is a a stigma of of like oh. you know you get there there are. [ __ ] you know or whatever in that. Squadron it's uh I think I saw some of. the older generational stuff but that. just like with. anything you know how do you make it. like how do you change something. like you impacted and and at the level. you can and and ask why and if it's just. well that's just what we do then I'm.

like no let's actually be social and I. would because before when I showed up it. was like you can't you got to like knock. on team rooms on especially other teams. in your own troop it has a really hard. time period for our Squad and our troop. you know losing guys and it um that's. what I showed up after. and there was a lot of in not infighting. but there was a lot of of of. um dysfunction yeah yeah and and I don't.

blame him. for the things that happened and they. went through and um but I was able to go. in and and you know be the glue I think. and because every time I got promoted. like I went to and I stayed in the same. truth but I went to another team so went. from the mobility team to the climbing. team to the water team to the climbing. team like um so for one I got to do a. bunch of different stuff as far as like. infill techniques and skills like um.

and uh but also like have a piece of my. own self in each of the team rooms and. you know photos that they keep and you. know on the you know the culture piece. of it you know and yeah yeah that's why. I I was. really I didn't tell anyone I went to. sodic because I knew that they were. trying to pull me to Wy right away or um. I just wanted to be the best assaulter I.

could and best team like you wanted to. be an assaulter you didn't want to go to. the sniper team yeah no [ __ ] why is. that I think I know why I wanted to be I. wanted to become the there was always. this like I hadn't felt like I was good. enough yet like as an operator. journeyman operator and then as a a as. an assistant breacher and then as a. breacher it's just like this it opens up. this like there's just so much more to. learn you know and and to refine I was. like I can't step away to go do another.

skill set you know that enhances and and. and has its like they all like work. together but I felt selfishly I was like. I'm better served doing this and and. they also saw that too so cuz they I. mean they could just read my thing and. see that I was sort of you know. qualified or whatever and they could. have been like s the wcky um and you. stay in the same squar it's just um yeah.

I was always in the same the same troop. and and and it led to me being in the. right place at the right time what how. long was it before you made it through. OTC you went to your squadron how long. were you there before you went on your. first combat deployment. 2 6 months five months that's it yeah. four months four months and you're out. the door. yeah yeah that's yeah Y in Afghanistan.

you're you're in one of the. most the most argu arguably the most. capable unit in the entire world what's. the what's the operational Tempo when. you finally do well I guess not finally. 4 months later when you're you after. fistan. um I mean even this was in 2012 the. beginning of 2012 yeah I think we were. still we were still like our our op.

Tempo was was still pretty high like we. were going out I say high relatively. speaking I mean there's this whole like. oh you know hay if you weren't in the. unit during the Heyday like what do you. really know you know like early 2000s. I'm like I don't. know I'm here though like what do you. mean like I it's just like well I mean. were you going out no it be like no it. be like a couple times a week we'd go. out um versus like twice a night or.

nightly or whatever and sometimes it. like it would be like back to back you. know but I'd say on average it. was you know two two hits a night but we. we also got really creative with with. how we were targeting and instead of. just saying well you know you guys are. you aren't feeding us targets right like. all right [ __ ] [ __ ] that we like. finding creative ways of targeting that. aren't so creative if you just really.

look at hey man maybe they've started to. use some older methods and you're like. okay cool let's look for work like what. like what methods hand hand uh like icon. radios like got it the cell phones like. gigs up you know they they they're. they're Savvy You Know The Enemy Savvy. now so they'll have like you know. operational security using cell phones. and just. freaking telling each other all these.

intimate stories on the damn the. handheld radios and you're like all. right cool let's start targeting those. and and then we just started using that. with with EMT like um from above and and. um all right there we go they were doing. all these like tactical Mo marches man. and we just start walking him up like. bad it was great how are you doing. it so they would they would like OU. people from they they'd be walking all. night until they find a home and then.

they'd occupy it by force um rape and do. whatever the [ __ ] they do feed me sleep. me sleep you or or if they couldn't um. they would sleep outside in the right. like right outside the so it's like [ __ ]. me feed me and give me a place to sleep. yeah and we'd be like we're going to. come do all three for you. bud cuz we watched you walk. here um no it's.

just yeah it it goes back to so what. were you guys doing when you got there. were you killing them were you capturing. them no they would they vote so. everybody gets a vote. um they we would offset our um air our. airlift so we had the sixes so the. little birds but we would keep them. offset to one side of the infill and. then cuz the [ __ ] hooks the Shooks like. they the whirly bird you know yeah that. you could hear those things coming from.

so they'd always start shooting at up. like whoever was on the the Chinooks and. then they would never even see us on the. pods from the little birds on like kind. of the other side. and it would just you'd clean up you. know on infill and essentially they. would say aiel as the cover while we. were. maneuvering um The Assault force and. then once they got set they would infill. them and then they then we'd push.

through Ambush man it's like did you say. an a vote a vote they they get to vote. who votes the enemy the enemy gets to. vote. meaning like we don't just necessarily. go in there to kill. you I mean there's missions where it's. like. this is a kill or capture Mission and. that's still a vote like unless we get. told specifically like we need to. capture this person and then there. better be a really good reason why um.

because that changes the techniques that. you'll use and the force the risk to. force you know to do that um but then. the yeah I mean so like when I say vote. like we're if they're if they're. standing there with their hands up. if you can't discriminate your Target. and if you assume if you this is a. threat to you then like you still you. you have to think in man's game you. don't get paid anyone can just shoot. people MH like us like we have to be.

able to think and shoot surgically but. and account for our shots what's in. front of at and Beyond um and if you. can't you don't you don't stay there you. know that's just that and it's um. rapidly processing you know threats and. non-threats and then taking custody of. those until you can determine if that is. an actual threat and we've just gotten. so so good at it over the years of like.

through call outs and things like that. like you know like CU they'll set. themselves off with explosive vests and. like belt belly belts and all these. things and you just learn all these. lessons through through pain and Through. Blood and loss um. but you can you can do all there's all. kinds of things that we've built to do. to to continue to discriminate until we. say you no longer a threat and now you. you know you're coming back with us.

gotcha yeah that's why I carry these. with me in case I got to detain. somebody right on yeah how many. deployments did you do over. there um. right five five deployments and then I. don't know how many a handful of uh. like uh Z like 0300 like we get a call.

you get you get rolled up in country X. and that button I was talking about mhm. gets pushed a lot of those yeah once. they found that button holy [ __ ] yeah. they were like you know what this. [ __ ] button works we like this button. it and then it's just such a a massive. like thing that happens logistically. like we started doing it a lot so much I. mean a lot and a lot more and a lot more.

and you know sometimes they don't result. in us. like maybe we're sitting in country X. waiting on trigger to go and then that. doesn't get met or we get told by the. president to stand down or return to. base which is like Pace you. mean 18 hours back that way yeah let's. go through one of the buttons just any. oh there just one what comes to your. mind one button it's just one button.

yeah I mean when it gets pushed first. one that comes to your mind where you at. what are you. doing. uh I mean. I I mean since Benghazi. since 2012 like that buttons been. getting hit mhm and I can't. even I'm not going to elaborate on all. the different times but just understand.

that if you're an. American like being held abroad in a. country. that. [Music]. we can do something about like where. it's not going to be a full fullon World. War III situation we're going to go. rescue you I guess what I'm getting at. is I want to hear and I want the. audience to feel the. experience of when that but your bag. like your so if you could walk us. through so each bag has like a PL like.

it's tagged and it has like and you do. this like you have to maintain it so. you're training all week long and then. you always button your stuff back up on. weekends in case you get the pager or. whatever and you you you have to the. that sequence starts and you miss that. train man you missed the. train you might catch the follow on bird. or something but don't miss the train. and it's one of those things that like. you're you're you're at a state of.

Readiness and ready to go but you're. also training for like you're no no fail. Mission you know. so um you get pretty pretty good at. repacking your [ __ ] up and the whole. point is that if you and I come in like. I can grab your [ __ ] and I know that. you've got three bags they're tagged and. they're in the truck and then that truck. gets loaded and once it's good like me. as the leader or second 2 I see like I.

say all right we're up and then that. gives you time to get to get there if. you were you know took you a little bit. longer or whatever to get into the unit. uh and then you go to the the Airfield. and load up. the C 17s and off you go plan in route. build whatever charges you need in route. do do all the [ __ ] you need to do but. we're. coming I mean and we could roll off the. bird the tailgate the ramp and right.

into a driving to the Target or going. into like a mission support site that we. deem we need to do um it could look. multitude of ways and we have different. packages that. we are you home just as fast. no you hanging out there for. redeployment piece is always like an. afterthought. um because it's a big moving piece like. those those aircrafts they're dedicated.

to us but for. return that's not that they get. prioritized you know based. on well the dod's like privatization. yeah so I and that's the part where like. movement of of people and amounts of. people I'm not going to talk about but. just broadly it's there's a state of. Readiness that we. maintain and between you know us and our. Navy counterparts like it's a lot a lot.

of responsibility and it's. been used not only for what it what it's. intended but also to battles be battle. space owners too like dismantling the. calate and not with Isis and it's. like like. the whole my whole mission uh in in. Africa was to maintain relationships. with the embassy with the country team. wearing a suit every. day so we could divest to the trans of.

Hell to Seal Team Six do you want to. Rite go into that the hotel are you. ready for. that I can take a break for a sec you. want a break yeah I think it's a good. break for or a good time to start going. into it but let's take a break for a. second. I want to give a big thank you out right. now to all the vigilance Elite patrons. out there that are watching the show. right now just want to say thank you.

guys you are our top supporters and. you're what makes this show actually. happen if you're not on vigilance lead. patreon I want to tell you a little bit. about what's going on in there so we do. a little bit of everything there's. plenty of behind the scenes content from. the actual sha Ryan Show on top of that. basically what I do is I take a lot of. the questions that I get from you guys. or the patrons and then I turn them into. videos so we get right now there's a lot.

of concern about self-defense Home. Defense crimes on the rise all. throughout the country actually all. throughout the world and so we talk. about everything from how to prep your. home how to clear your home how to get. familiar with a firearm both Rifle and. Pistol for beginners and advanced we. talk about mindset we talk about. Defensive Driving we have an end of the. month live chat that I'm on at the end. of every month where we can talk about. whatever topics you guys have it's.

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there and if you don't want to and you. just want to continue to watch the show. that's fine too I appreciate it either. way love you all let's get back to the. show. I'll say this the first thing that comes. to mind is I had no idea how many people. in this world live in fear all the time. all the. time tonight the sheriff here revealing.

the worsening toll at least 59 now. dead what's your opinion on why is this. happening the mass shooting in Buffalo. at least 10 people were killed we took. some kids who had just grown up and. never handled weapons but grew up on. first person shooter games and they were. dead screen time stimulates the release. of the brain chemical dopamine we're. expecting people to look as unhuman as.

possible I see a lot of my friends dying. because of suicide yeah cuz they're. unhappy and um and now I see that. spilling out into the masses these. messages were released on social media. and he he felt just absolutely. humiliated and he couldn't face that. humiliation at school that was awaiting. him the next day that's a child this is. what everyone on Tik talk you know what. I mean and he doesn't know what's. happening to his brain by watching that.

trash all day long when high schoolers. get phones that disrupt their sleep. subsequently they go on to have higher. rates of. depression the climate's going to kill. us in 25 years the Republicans are going. to kill us in 25 years China's going to. kill us in 14 years Russia's going to. kill us the the only news that makes its. way through our ecosystem is ends. [Music].

here all right we're back from the break. we're getting. into Molly the. hotel what are you doing there. yeah so that deployment it was a. deployment cycle where um you know I was. an adviser to the ambass the US. ambassador or country team as a DOD you.

know task force representative advising. on you. know uh task force operations which we. weren't able to to do and really the. French were and it and are like the only. like kinetic like assault. Force like combating you know aqim and. and Isis and and in the uh you know all. the Islamic mcreb stuff like moar. bakar's crew and the trans to hell so.

from Libya all the way down you know. through they've used the smuggling. routes from from like tobacco smuggling. and all these different things uh is. safe havens to to build training camps. and to move people forces like regroup. you know for years they've been doing it. and through the trance of hell and you. know our the fact that we allocated even. one of us there for for years like in. rotating it was to build you know a.

force to be able to to combat that but. you know not to get into politics but I. mean the political environment didn't. didn't allow us to to operate at the the. level that we needed to and then Isis. this became a real thing and back to my. my point about us being tasked with. dismantling the calate we needed every. last one of us so. we um my.

mission. was to maintain relationships at the US. Embassy and Country team um to divest of. the TR of Hell to se Team Six so we can. hand that off to them like so they could. at least at least hopefully apply some. more energy into it not that they. weren't already like in the Horn of. Africa and Afghanistan like just doing a. bunch of stuff like but with us we. needed every last one of us to go in to.

like. in to from Iraq into Syria and like. these pilot teams pushing in to not only. just do these raids in deep into enemy. territory if we were going to do this we. had to like maneuver on the ground. um and I I say all that because for one. I was only in country for 3 weeks when. when the hotel attack happened but it. damn sure wasn't my mission and that.

being said like I didn't have a mission. the mission was maintaining. relationships. like they don't put you through all that. training to then that be that be like. yeah it almost seems like it well I tell. you what the the part that really. and this just goes back to like I was. exactly where I needed to be when I. needed to be there and I hang on to that. because a month before that deployment I. wasn't going there I was going into.

those teams going into Syria or. like a former like troop M of. mine basically told his team leader last. minute I don't feel comfortable you know. wearing a suit and like briefing the. Ambassador and stuff like that like I. don't want to I don't think I can do it. and and I go the [ __ ] do you mean you. don't think you can do it like when I. find because they asked me my team.

leader was like Kyle I know you don't. want to hear this but I need you to do. this like we we need this is important. in the Strategic we need someone that's. going to hand this off and leave a good. taste in people's mouths and like. because we can't do our job without that. handoff happening and it wasn't like a. you know done deal like we had to. basically you know work it had to be.

worked through and I was in that that. space of it being worked through but but. asked to do it a month a month out so as. far as all my like preparation and stuff. like that like it. it's I was like. what sure you know was a the 3 I and I'm. like middle management and I'm. like. okay um and it all makes more sense now. like. why you know why it all happened the way. it did and and that's not to take away. from someone's it's not I'm not going to.

what if it the fact is is like I was. there right where I needed to be to make. the biggest impact I did or I could and. I did and it. wasn't uh anyone telling me what to do. as far as uh like the command like what. I do boss it was like. a a reaction like I was sleeping in bed. like drinking myself like cuz everyone. just parties over there it's just like.

oh this this place sucks so State. Department is just out there like oh. this sucks let's have Vespers let's have. cocktail hour you know and dress the. nines and like impress people without. like big words and I'm like great. um and then I got called you know a call. uh a call from. God. um at 7 7:10 a.m. and proba hung over.

his hell and. um you. know I mean you went to Molly which is a. permissive environment. correct yeah I mean yeah we have freedom. to maneuver up to. the there's a there is a line where you. don't you don't have like but you've got. freedom of movement you can run around. out in town yeah for sure in bomo and. like Southern Mal yeah right and I have. I've like drove all over it but once you.

get past like mopti or into mopti and. then into like timbuck two like that's a. freaking place and it's in it's in Molly. um or gal or it's. like there it it from the the the. traditional like tegg like lighter. skinned um malens that you know. it's they're almost like nomatic you. know people that just kind of go and. farm and and but then that you know with.

Isis or excuse me Al-Qaeda um blending. in with them they're able to you know. from a skin tone lighter skin Arab um. they're able to kind of intertwine and. then you build and this back itself was. have you ever been in an environment. like that before for work um yeah in. Columbia Columbia a greenberry. yeah where you know the kidnap for anom. was a real thing and you know and the.

the peak of of those hostage. um you know either repatriations or you. know that was a part of some of the the. you know the efforts during 08 early 09. when I was down in Columbia. um working through that stuff with the. Colombian Lance Heroes and batayon de. Commandos like the Special Forces. guys um yeah well let's walk through cuz.

this was a big incident and it's. affected your life tremendously so you. say it started at 7:10 in the morning on. November 20th y let's start right there. chronological order let's stay focused. on this topic it just walk me through. the entire. day yeah. so I my my dayto day was was going to. the Embassy you know and showing face or.

showing my my face and talking through. if there was a meeting there was weekly. and. bi-weekly um you know different DOD uh. briefs and stuff but um there's there. was no mission for me there so I just. kind of tried to look for work and you. know there's um there's some ranges and. stuff so I was able to like start at. least hey you guys want to train like. anybody want to train here you know and. um and just getting you know trying to.

get that going and cuz I had on my kit. my kit stays in my ready kit bag and you. know I was able to it's just like a. rolling thunder or a North Face duffel. roller and it's got my basic go to war. gear you know my helmet guns my rifle my. pistol my body armor uh my Panos and uh. that's you know your basic you know. Salter uniform and stuff and. um so I got a phone call that morning uh.

the day of the attack and the phone call. went something like this where it was. uh the someone at the agency you know. wanted to call to notify me about an. attack that they had been made aware of. of that was ongoing and it 5 to eight. gunmen um shooting up the pl shooting up. the the front of the hotel the RIS and. blue um in bakali and explosions um and.

that's what they in and launched from. what appeared to be. Embassy uh driver or Embassy um vehicle. vehicles um and that was this that was. the situation report right and they. called me two. to let me know and then but it's not. like it was my job. to really I was the next door neighbor. of the deputy and they were they. couldn't get a hold of them so they're. like hey can you also go check on so and.

so we can't get a hold of them can you. help us out and I was like sure my next. phone call as I'm grabbing my kit bag I. didn't have to do anything but grab it. and take it to the front threw threw. some pants on and uh a T-shirt and was. like like everything's in this bag I. know it is cuz I put it there um it's. where it needs to be when it needs to be. or it's it's there you know and I know. that because I've drawn from it going. back to just you know any tools or.

resources that you have like train with. them use them and when you need them. they need to be there. and so I'm on the phone with the marso. dude that is the like the closest thing. to a warrior. that I even within a thousand mile. radius I don't know uh and I'm like hey. you and you meet me at my house I'm. going to wake up so and so or check on. them I'll be out front and.

um they lived some like a mile. away and the deputy or excuse me the. regional security officers like the the. acting or the assistants uh Mike and um. um the other one sorry I forgot your. name right. now uh they we they all came together. and but when I'm knocking on the door of. the the my next door neighbor the deputy.

chief uh you know he opens the door and. he's on the phone and underwear and he's. just like picking L out of his belly. button and he looks at me he's like oh. hold on I'm on the phone I'm like no on. there's the attacks going there's an. attack going on right now and. I I don't know exactly where the hotel. is but I know it's close and I can hear. gunfire so I'm like that's definitely. close and um it's about 3/4 of a mile or. less from my house which are like Town.

Homes almost um and he's like I'm on the. phone yeah I know I got I'm on the phone. with some of our guys in the hotel right. now like staying there CU a lot of. temporary Duty Personnel like would stay. there whether it was our Embassy or. other Western embassies like that's. where they'd stay um certain locations. and that's why the rsos know you know. they. don't they don't say well they do they. should and if the assessments they do is. is is this a place where we would put.

Personnel that are on you know either. permanent or t temporary Duty here um as. a as a lodging place of lodging and they. have to do these threat assessments and. to me it made no sense why that hotel. was even on there as a as a as a good. place to stay when. like looking at it like the reason they. chose that that hotel is not only for. the density of like like people. westerners if your mission was to just. to kill as many westerners as you can.

you could throw a stone from across the. street and and hit the the front of the. you know huge front glass door windows. because it's a it's a soft target in the. sense that it doesn't have any standoff. it's not in depth. like they have all these security. apparatuses and mechanisms but like. barrier like from a vehicular assault or. but doesn't stop people from you know. drive by driving by and and K and you.

know reaching out and touching someone. but so well you know this though Kyle I. mean you're talking about agency. Personnel State Department Personnel. Ambassador types they don't give a [ __ ]. about security yeah all they give a [ __ ]. about is a nice place to sleep with nice. pool really nice in a pool yeah badass. pool um and that shit's ignorance is. bliss I've seen it in every country I've. ever deployed in.

yeah so he tells me yeah you know it's. like it's their some of their TDY guys. that were there to train whomever and. these are like I met them the like the. day before they're like Mac V SG like. old old hard crusty mfers man and. they're in there not a go you know like. but I but he not again man and uh he. tells me he's like yeah you kind of.

gives me the and I'm like hey man like. give me their room numbers their cell. phone numbers like he's like why he's. like cuz I'm going to go get him and he. he goes like record stops like what do. you mean you you do that I'm like yeah. I'm going there right now yeah. [ __ ] there are Americans that's. a start point for me I was like thank. you please now I have room a room number. cell phones and now I can get on the. horn with them while I'm maneuvering in.

route absorbing everything as it's. happening and processing to come up with. a a plan of action to execute and um I'm. not pausing to do it not like taking. knee facing out and like like it's it's. happening real time. and it it it really like resonated with. me looking back now I'm like what did. you think I was going to do like why. would you even like ask me that question. but it goes back to you just don't. understand like the mindset piece of.

yeah like it right place right time. right person but it's also a matter of. like aren't you doing something about it. like what are you going to do [ __ ] I. just I a got time for that so it was. like I'm going to go do something and. um you know I was able to convince him. to give me those numbers and room room. numbers and stuff and as I'm moving man. like moving to the hotel like drove we.

kind of drove around and got into the. the front instead of driving right past. it kind of leap frogged. around uh dismounted and then kind of. walked up patrolled up what are you. absor what are you carrying what are you. wearing my uh I had my just a t-shirt on. the civilian t-shirt and like Prana cuz. they're stretchy. pants sometimes men wear stretchy pants. um it's a nacho libbre.

reference. but um and then just like some [ __ ]. kickers dude and like good thing they. were pretty sturdy plates helmet yeah so. like it my regular like JPC with plates. helmet uh. HK416 with my normal autal you know and. then uh my surfire rc2 suppressor and. stuff like and then my Panos. um and but no more like I didn't have.

breaching tools I didn't have like bangs. or I didn't have. um all the extra little bits of kit that. would have been really nice to have. um. but uh so as I'm coming up like I'm the. RSO is like now he's talking with the. Ambassador and then the other RSO gets. called by MSG or post one and they're. like hey you know this guy's uh this one. American just like called and said that.

he's trapped in a room on fire and he's. hiding under one of the banquet tables. and they're shooting over top of them. please come get me come help me. um so between those two calls I'm. there's a lot of a lot of noise and I'm. like. just filter through this like which one. is the most life that one so threat to. life I'm like let's focus on this one. real quick let's get the information all. right he's going to I made the. determination like hey Mike you know.

where this room is it's the banquet room. breakfast. room. um if I lead like can you help kind of. point me in the directions I need to go. um and he knew they had the ground. knowledge of the the inside the hotel um. some some what. and I was like what's going on when. you're in there how I mean is fire just. going I haven't got in yet right now I'm. still so the RSO is like well hold on. like we got to talk to the Ambassador. I'm like you're already talking to him. but what we're going in to get this.

Terry uh the American the first American. um in that room the banquet room because. it was on fire and they were imminent. life threat right threat to life of. Americans I was like all right that's a. that's now the the pressing start point. for me um and the fact that they knew I. wasn't going to go through the front. doors they shot the whole [ __ ] place. up like going in and.

um and they chased a bulk of the people. into the breakfast room and that's where. they ended up focusing their attention. to get to get the most from the timing. right so like 7:10 in the morning that's. breakfast time to the time I entered it. was about 7:45 but I entered through a. side door I had to basically break into. a side entrance service entrance or. whatever and then work my way through. all these uh like um conference area you.

know big huge rooms on the like the. outer perimeter of the building or of. the hotel and I was able to that opened. up into the main forier where it was. like if you think about Embassy Suites. where it's like an Atrium or almost. three-sided Atrium with floors all the. way you know it was like seven stories. and you go on the atrium and it's like. two spiral glass staircases kind of. going all the way up on each side it's. like super exposed and I just and it's. just like the most like overly.

stimulating snapshot I'd have ever taken. because I I was absorbing all of it out. front and like everywhere around me. because every corner I was the guy up. front every like everything was was. sensory overload and it was the smells. the The Sounds the fire alarms the smoke. the haze the smells of death um in. western dress it was something that I. just my brain was like what was like.

short circuiting a little bit because I. I. hadn't I I I had become so desensitized. to to to life and death but in you know. in certain environments you know and. certain addess and that's just I think. that's a part of a like a self-defense. mechanism but this my for one I didn't. get a chance to prepare my mind body or. spirit for violence which is like. planning uh contingencies and rehearsals.

and you do that with each other and a. team and uh a troop and and then you go. out and do these things and and they're. like incredible but you buy down risk. with with a collective experience and. rehears like plans of action that you. just in place in the unknown right and. it's. uh I was just in reactive mode and um I. was fully exposed you know my mind body. and spirit was and.

uh it was just awful to see. and how many. bodies were you seeing I mean how many. people were a couple one first the first. few um were just kind of like sporadic. in the forier. area and then did you know any of them. no no. um no they killed 23. people total um.

westerners uh to include one American. citizen Anita datar was her name and I. know that name and I will never forget. it her face and uh. because she was the last one like and I. last one I needed to get confirmation on. like I went back to her room probably. five times that that whole day and. cleared it again and again. and um and then I was able to confirm. that she was one of the killed during.

the. initial but yeah it was um it was awful. she was in the um like the blind leading. the blind like into like they chased. them through the breakfast room people. and then they set the vet room on fire. and then just were stacking front they. were trying to burn the place down and. then they chased them everyone through. the kitchen and that's where Terry got. left behind the American that was in. that room that I like they had didn't.

they had set on fire and he wouldn't. move he was just like froze in that. wherever he was in that room but I. kicked the doors in to that room and I. mean it like even making it to that. floor to get there was big I was like. you cover 10 to two you 10 to two like. anyone I'm like [ __ ] pull security. and cover me while I move cuz I'm about. to make a a real big movement CU I had. to run out and get in this spiral glass. staircase and just mad dash it like to.

get up to the second floor to hold up. and then bring them up and then I went. in and just went right into kicking. these French doors in and it was like a. cloud the whole room was full of just. fire and smoke and I just ran in there. and it [ __ ] floored me cuz I was like. I can't breathe imagine that but like. this mindset of like it's a. self-correcting problem man but like it. just kept getting lower and lower to the. point where now I'm on my belly like. with my gun like low crawling gun light.

yelling his name and I'm like wait a. minute he first of all no one's no one's. coming I can't see any further and I'm. now I don't know which way is the. [ __ ] door I just came from cuz I. can't see so I was able to like crawl. the [ __ ] back out. and then holy [ __ ] I like this isn't. this isn't working and I was like get. him on the phone like direct cuz he was. talk they were talking through a cutout. through the MSG the Marine security. guards at post one and then relaying to. us I'm like [ __ ] all that like we got.

them on the phone direct and then by. that. point because I went and did a bunch of. one of the lessons learned that I. changed the way we train or what had a. part in that was communicating the fact. that hostage rescue hell yeah we're. great at it but let's. what about in a fire environment so we. started training with rescue one two. three four and five up in New York the. FY and they're really good at like. manipulating a fire you know to that is.

going to make it worse over time but for. that minute or two it lifts and you can. see further and they can go in and grab. somebody and they've been doing it for a. long time so between that and forceable. entry is something we I changed the way. we train. and uh I was able to you know pull him. at that point I was able to for. one like know which direction he was. it's a huge room and then it lifted. enough to where I was able to get deep. into there and then like just pull him.

out by the like he I he just looked like. death man like he had talked to death. and he said no hold up and I car like. carried him out you know and loaded him. up and uh in a car like we did that's. where the it was incal for having like. the RSO and the relationships they have. because they were working the embassy. like drivers and stuff like shuttles. basically going back to a safe a safe. area away from this [ __ ] hotel and um. you know while this is all.

happening you know people are the. embassy's giving me you know there was. some people at the embassy that were. they knew what I was like capable of. doing and and they they weren't. questioning it they were just like what. do you need and same with my command in. in in Germany at the time like it was. like all right got it Kyle what do you. need I'm like stand by I'll let you know. what I got and then eventually was like. I need my [ __ ] boys I can't do this.

alone and that empowerment that. that that trust is like it was it. allowed me to be effective to be agile. to make decisions on the ground and what. I talk about is tomorrow problems like I. watched happen where the marso cats were. were just being told called every five. minutes man on their cell phones like. what are you guys doing like you. shouldn't be in there you're going to.

get in trouble like you're going to ruin. the the platform for our source. operations and I'm like hang the [ __ ]. phone up right now I'm like tell that. [ __ ] that's a tomorrow problem. and I need you here right now because. what they're doing and what they did was. cast seeds of Doubt into any of the. decisions that they were making and if. all those decisions were resting on the. fact that they trusted me and I wasn't. in their command but the moment someone. from their command 12 hours away mind.

you yeah says well you guys shouldn't be. seen running around in full body armor. that's kind of like oh you're going to. ruin this platform I'm like first of all. you can go [ __ ] yourself second of all. that's a tomorrow problem you you we'll. deal with it but there's lives like that. can still be saved like where where the. [ __ ] what planet are you in or on you. know but they just casting those seeds. and planting seeds into yeah somebody. that I needed to be switched stay.

switched on and and with me like with me. in this moment and as much as I tried to. like say [ __ ] that we'll deal with that. later step started stepping F like steps. and steps become an arm distance away. become so then I was just like holy [ __ ]. I feel like. I'm like flat out alone in here even. though you're moving with me you're not. where you you're not here you're not. with you're you're too far behind and.

then here check write the [ __ ] out. um now mind you I wouldn't have been. able to to do it in the manner that I. did it without them so I just it really. bothers me that. younger I didn't realize the impression. that I was having on on so many people. by just taking action and looking they. did they wanted to do these things but. they needed someone like me to just take. lead and like form this mly crew of a.

team you know to do something and. um I think. like and the whole team like the country. team kind of really came together and. and they were like well how do we get. accountability of all these people who. who do we have who's un who's. unaccounted for American wise it really. like challenged them and they did a a. pretty good job of like filtering and. and pushing that information and getting.

it to. me pretty rapidly and and I was able to. form a a list. where I have which I wanted to show you. but um I started for in a list on just. some scratch paper I found on the ground. cuz I didn't have a pen and paper on me. like a good soldier I had everything. else but I just found a piece of paper. and I can you hand me that bag I do want. to show you this cuz it's important.

um yeah. so I uh I grabbed a a scratch piece of. paper from the street and then like. started um you know writing. down like um names and room numbers in. my excellent handwriting and uh somehow. it survived like it's like super barely. hanging on you know but this is the list. that I started to form and it started to. kind of you know these are room numbers.

and names of Americans that I they were. unaccounted for and I. um you can see that I needed theara was. was on that list pretty early and. um I was able to get to her room pretty. quick but she wasn't there and. then what are the scratch names off. after I I rescued. them. um like going to the room and confirming. that they are that person and I think I.

kicked in like 54 Hotel doors man no. [ __ ] yeah it was like. um I you. know the master key right here I'll give. the seals that man man that whole like. uh mule. kick that's where it's at works it does. saves so much energy it was like comical. watching people trying to even with. breaching tools I like what are you. doing what is that thing the French when.

they came I was. like um like step aside. please I got really. tired. but um I got a heavy foot man I don't. know but uh plus it's all about like you. can waste a lot of energy not knowing. how to like attack a locking mechanism. or what's the a breach a breach right if. you know how to defeat the the weakest. point or the strongest point or the. weakest point that you can defeat um and. obtain a breach either way.

um so the list like I I obviously went. and got tered out of the first room and. then I started getting you know the the. the names and and room numbers and I. looked at the floor now I'm outside the. so after the first time I went in and I. look at this and people are like hanging. they're outside on their balconies just. like you know guests in the hotel I. don't know they're they could be from. whatever countries but um some of them. are like tying bed sheets together on.

like the sixth floor like this my man. had like three sheets tied together and. he had a good 30 40 feet of just drop it. didn't even touch the ground and I was. like first of all don't do that I'm like. like hand and arm you know because I. don't know if you're going like I I said. it in English but I don't speak French. and who knows if you know what languages. they they understood or spoke but the. pointy you know like me saying no you. know and then having people like relay.

it but I'm like don't do that for one. that's not going to hold up and uh Jo's. like just barricade yourself in your. room and don't answer the. door for anyone period and um. to give them like reassurances while I'm. like how the [ __ ] am I going to deal. with this like it it's a lot and um and. I was looking at the room numbers and. like the highest floor was on the. seventh the there was a bank of three. rooms that were remotely close to each.

other on the seventh floor so when I. went back in I was like all right I. looked at the lower floor that I already. cleared came went back the same way and. then I was like all right if I find the. closest stairwell to this Bank of run. I'm just going to go right up this. stairwell because there wasn't no. outside there wasn't an outside fire. escape or roof access cuz I wanted to. get down and work my way from the top. down but I I did a whole sweep around. the whole hotel and there was no fire. escapes so I was like I guess I'm going.

I didn't want to go up the spiral stair. staircase so I went to like the fire the. fire uh stairwell fire red stairwells. and went to the lower floor like so if. it was 7 31 you know 26 and 18 I I went. to the stairwell that was going to get. me closest to it when I popped out on. that floor if that makes sense yeah so I. did that and then when I got to the. seventh floor I couldn't get in the door. from the inside cuz it was a a crash bar.

you know emergency exit so I didn't have. the tool or anything to like pop it from. the inside so I actually went. down a couple floors and then went over. and then that led me into this like. outside area of the. hotel but to me I was just still in the. hotel but at that point I had went. around to The Backs side of it. where uh I went up that stairwell and.

this whole wing of the hotel wasn't even. on it was like additions that they made. and it wasn't even on like the emergency. exit plan or anything. like and which I took with me for to. capture that how [ __ ] up this hotel. was for one like this is what you have. briefing on the wall here like there's. parts of the hotel that aren't even on. this like additions the whole wings and. um just so chaotic and uh as I'm going. up that other stairwell in between the.

third and fourth. floor is when uh like I'm about here in. the. clearance uh on the stairs and you know. like running upstairs and then like. trying to clear and then the the the. gunman are like coming down the stairs. they're on the landing and then we we we. like lock eyes and I stare down his. muzzle from 5T away like that close yeah. yeah he's like right here and I just go. well [ __ ] and but I look through his.

like beyond the muzzle. and into his eyes and I and. I I was like. I saw a change in his his demeanor I saw. a. shift cuz he was not expecting to see. me big American flag Panos on my head. he's like holy [ __ ] without saying.

it um and this is all like very rapidly. and but the next thing through my mind. was well that's. me I'm [ __ ]. dead and uh he cracks the first round. off and I black out for a split second I. mean I got knocked out like I thought I. was in heaven or. hell and. I and and I just like it's all like a. fog and hze but like I'm like stumbling. down the stairs and it's like almost.

like things are moving in slow motion. and I'm like shooting shooting. back. and and uh he shoots like five more. times and they all hit like just in this. concrete stairwell right around like Po. like right like like Samuel Jackson Man. Paul. fiction incept for for me the divine. revention piece like I just couldn't see. it for what it was and. uh I I just saw red and I I went running.

back up the stairs and yelled and I. actually cussed him out called him a. bunch of basic ass [ __ ] and I don't. know where that came from but I screamed. it the top of my lungs. and then he yells Al Akbar at me and. [ __ ] pops the primer on a on a. grenade and I hear that it's very. audible you know time delay pop like a. Russian style grenade the pineapple. looking. one and I've heard it a ton in.

Afghanistan and I know so I was able to. yell a grenade and get out of the way. relative cover and uh and that thing. just B the [ __ ] [ __ ] out of me and. somehow I I was. still there's moments of of blacking out. right there for a second or knock like. unconsciousness but then coming back too. and it's just I could my like my teeth. were just [ __ ] like loose and. dangling you know and but I was just I. was. just you know holding them in.

place cuz I was like I'm the only only. person that could stop these. [ __ ] right now and. uh you know when they threw they threw. another Grenade on me I was like [ __ ] I. can't. I don't have I don't have what I need to. deal with like to to deal with this I. can't they have the position of tacal. advantage in this. stairwell and uh so I just. like I just started going straight up I.

was like go get any Molly and security. forces that you can find now and get. them up here and I said that very calmly. just now I was yelling it. and. uh you know basically whoever they could. muster up there I was like I was just. going up and down the line like this is. your [ __ ] country these [ __ ]. are right here I was just going straight. up patent speech on them like and I was.

like you you're the [ __ ] chill they. don't speak English and I'm just like. English [ __ ] screaming and like. they're they're like we we we I'm like. uh you understand this you know and I. was just so [ __ ] for one I was. like I was hurting and I I was using. like I couldn't I couldn't stop so I. just used overwhelming violence of. action to to to mask any of that any of. the pain I was feeling right in that.

moment and this is in hindsight. but I was able to like you know you take. this shield and go over there and I. basically like hand like place this dude. I'm like go over there and then and like. he got to the base of the stairwell and. like they took one shot pop The Shield. from up here and he drops it and takes. it to the house he's like I served my. country see you later like he was gone. and this was aalan uh all right next you.

know like get the [ __ ] over here and. then this guy shows up with a gas mask. on his head and a pistol and he's like I. got you he didn't say that but he gave. me the look and I was like all right. don't let them [ __ ] move. and then I cleared the rest of that Wing. you know kicking in every door I could. and freeing not just Americans but. anyone at that point I'm like this is. now I've locked them into a position. they couldn't go any like higher because. it was a condo that they they were.

trying to find what I found out later. they had some pocket litter they were. sterile like they didn't have like comps. they had comps but they they were burner. phones and like they had some pocket. litter um that had the uh room numbers. of like in the six series like 600. whatever a bank and that was where the. Air France crew was staying so like they. flew Air France would fly in Daily there. so their flight Crews would stay in a.

certain Wing every time and they were. trying to get over just like I was to. the certain Wing or Bank of rooms and. you know our our our paths crossed very. early in this process and and they were. no longer able to. it went from you know killing and making. as much of a impact as they they wanted. to or could to survival and barricaded. themselves and um so they didn't kill. another innocent person once they met me. in that stairwell it just took them it.

took you know the rest of the day for. for me to clear through and. then uh. uh the French came from the assault. force from from Bina fasu the. neighboring country and one of my old. teammates that was embedded with them. helping them you know Target and do. things and he hopped on a bird with them. there's like 12 of them and but when. they showed up at it was like almost.

1:00. p.m. holy [ __ ] I ran into the stairwell. with them at like like 6 hours later. yeah it was like was like8 something. when when I when I encountered them in. that stairwell and uh 88 8:30 a.m. no. 7:45 yeah probably. 8:45 something like an hour from getting. Terry out of there or less I don't know. but.

the my whole point was when I like I. kicked in one door in that in that wing. and there was a there was a a dude in. western dress just like with his shot. right through his head like and I was. like look back at the door I was like. there holes in the door like how the. [ __ ] did he get hit and after I cleared. the room I was like there's no one in. here and um yeah cuz when I kicked it in. like the the the dead bull and the throw. latch both broke off the door so like I.

I cleared all of it right and cleared it. out of the the door. frame and I was like it really like. bothered me not just the fact that he. was like obviously you know one of the. killed one of the one of the W one of. the people that were killed innocent. people that were killed but like even in. that like from a I was like this doesn't. make sense like why you know from a. physics perspective I was like wait a. minute and I I found out you know. because I went back with the FBI almost.

in an unhealthy manner of times to do my. own sensitive sight exploitation but. really trying to make sense of it all. put a suit on and went back in there. like every day for days and days and I. didn't know how much how many times I'd. get a chance to go back in there if at. all um but they they were knocking on. doors and then if anyone that would. answer their door they would just like. even just through the PE not people but.

the the Thor lat still engage the hotel. right so it like shuts it on itself and. once you let it go I mean they would. knock lightly and this one guy he. answered the door but just stuck his. head you know through the crack he he. was like looking through the crack and. they just smoked him right there through. the through the the crack in the. door didn't they didn't have a [ __ ]. chance man damn and. um.

and but I do know that. um it was the most exposed I've ever. felt like for long a long time and then. when that that troop came from. from the Bina Faso like I finally was. just like all right let's [ __ ] go. like and I was like hey here's the deal. like I went over there and was like to. the the commander I'm like who's the. [ __ ] chariz here who's in charge here. I'm like here's the thing like they're.

right here we got them I got them pinned. down like I can take you right to it and. um they're like oh okay okay um I'm like. okay okay let's go and uh I was pretty. amped still and. like cuz they're still in there yeah. right yeah still barricaded in the same. room it was a it was like a storage. closet so if you think about the landing. opened into there was a door that opened.

into the um the condo that metal door. and then to the left of that on the. landing was like a storage closet like. two two storage closet deep they didn't. have much room but man they were there. they had like tied up all their banders. and were loading mags while one of them. was shooting and single shot like they. were there to stay and die there. um and.

uh like there was no way of. flanking them at at that point at least. not from my perspective like there none. of no there was no direct way of. flanking without having some sort of. climbing ability or you know coming in. from the roof. so um also just taking a step back you. know and having to like spread that out. was you know with the French like to be. able to problem solve which it was. awesome like. and I think this is like really ironic.

or funny but they were like oh yeah you. come with us but just stay in the back. I'm like Roger that I've been up front. all [ __ ] day I'll stay in the back of. you with you boys let's go and uh and. then I'm like you know doing all what. the [ __ ] going on this was taking so. long like it's all this commotion up. front and I'm you know now I'm like. there's no they shouldn't be like. there's gunshots and I'm like who the. [ __ ] are they fighting with right now.

and. uh it was one of the moling like. security Force dudes like shot one of. the [ __ ] French like in the top of. his helmet I was more afraid of like. once I I went in first like I it was. like me against the [ __ ] Shooters and. then after that it was like giving. people permission to go in and anyone. and everyone like whomever and with a. gun yeah and it's like that was scary as. [ __ ] like I was.

like how do you you know filter through. like I I can you know discriminate a. threat and a friendly um that's. difficult even through the haze and the. The Fog you know and. yeah like they they shot one of the. French right in in the top of his. [ __ ] helmet and he walking wounded. you know bleeding but we were able to. package him up get him out of there and. then next thing you know like now. they're down and assaulter and they're.

like oh you guys want to intermingle in. the teams now and I'm like Roger that. and uh I just kept getting further then. then I'm like like in the team team um. just flowing with them and and that's. that's the Testament to like the ability. to to not be so like indoctrinated and. and and just it took me two rooms to to. to kind of like adapt to their. techniques and not get in the way. because at that point it's like I could. sure I could like fall on my sword here.

you guys were doing this all [ __ ]. wrong if I wanted but not that they were. I I was just extremely grateful to be a. part of any sort of like competent. assault Force when my boys were like. they were getting spun up North Carolina. and the guys in Germany were like. loading in the C130 like but they were. 10 12 hours away 18 hours away. like so you know to. have to have them there and and you know.

just just like see and and bear witness. to to to Pure Evil and you know and. people just. following like the like the American. that was killed was was. in a service elevator area that if they. a group of them like 15 of them like. they if they would have just kept going. went right like a turn and then Freedom.

down a hallway exit Freedom they went F. that kitchen into this service elevator. and there's bodies in the elevator in in. between the doors like closed on them. and then out inside of it just all. executed from like Point Blank Range. damn like in the in the head. face and you can't un see that the. smell and they didn't have a [ __ ].

chance so people ask me they're like. even the ambassador he's like why did. you cow you're an American hero like why. did you react that. way oh well sir you got a minute like if. anyone should have reacted that way it's. someone that's been trained in this for. since like hostage rescue and and. like it's my I have the ability so it. was my responsibility to act like I'm.

not going to just sit here and [ __ ]. hope and dream and and like I'm going to. do something and by doing something the. impact of that now mind you the impact. that get it hat on me as a person I I. came I'm only starting to heal. from and uh the my. family I gave it all I had to hide in. that. stairwell and I I I.

couldn't I just maintain being my. priority was. to well no I have the ability right so. it's my responsibility so like everyone. I stayed in that country. for almost 4 months by myself no one. came and checked on me all these Embassy. folks were having like these crisis. response teams come in and like medic.

doctors and [ __ ] psyches and stuff. come in and do these evaluations I was. like oh those are cool what's going on. over there like that seems cool all. right I'll be over here just [ __ ]. licking a window you know like P in. security facing out and. uh like I was I was hurting so bad and I. couldn't I didn't know what that like. how I didn't I couldn't really put word. to like what I was feeling you know fear.

and but anger is easy to mask that so I. was just really angry and I remember I. don't remember this but I called my wife. that night when I got back to the the. room My Room by. myself [ __ ] deathly. afraid and I just started boozing to. numb it and I just remember like she. said I called was just like. balling I was just like balling and she. just was asking me like oh my God Kyle.

what's wrong what's wrong like and then. she started getting I remember I. remember this because it was like to me. it was like a point where I was like you. can't help me so I pushed her further. away cuz she was like oh my God what's. wrong it was like hysteria and I was. like you can't help me. and what I really needed and wanted was. to hold her and to hug her and to hug. her. children but I. couldn't and no one no one came and.

saved me from. me and everyone relied on me to be the. Savior if if something were to happen. again they were like oh let's just rally. at Kyle's house he'll figure it out and. I'm like yeah I'll figure it the [ __ ]. out. man and I'm just [ __ ] losing myself. completely trying to make sense of the. physical wounds to my brain and the. psychological and emotional and.

and I was like this this is all too much. so I. just I. drink and I I need I se comfort in in an. extramarital affair. because those are the two things that. were. super comforting and I cope I coped with. those and that only kept me just barely. afloat and kept me. from had I not done those two things and.

they both fed into just more misery but. I don't think I would have made it. back I just wanted to [ __ ] destroy. myself and everything around me. and it's not about one specific event. that was the Catalyst that unlocked so. much other trauma in my life from my. first visual memory being. traumatic and it's just like that's when. things started to become unmanageable in.

my. life how did that day. end when they got to the. barricade we. uh I mean we got we killed them. eventually at like we had to we end up. like one bounding around and coming in. through like a rooftop thing and then. crawling down into this condo and. locking him down from underneath and. then below and I mean I think the French.

threw everything they had like FL. flashbang and like concussive grenades. but it was just flying right past them. and they had this Corridor where they. could just like just spray down this. hallway and then they had the stairwell. so they had them locked down and um so. we couldn't come up from underneath like. we had to the dude that was the French. dud was holding the shield guy that was. his job like you're the [ __ ] Shield. dude and I was like and he was like this.

young probably 20 something year old kid. and I know and I remember this because. like he got shot I think through his. like broke his hand and then maybe got. like shot through his like the The. Superficial part of his arm or whatever. so bandaged him up but I was like he got. within a foot of this corner where the. barricaded guys were in this storage. closet just to get close enough but took. took like seven rounds in this [ __ ].

shield from a foot away. and was [ __ ] was balling after that. and the guys weren't dead they thw and. cuz the guy behind him was able to get. close enough to throw on an actual like. offensive like frag grenade on top of. these cats which was this huge faux paw. of like you don't bring frags on a. hostage rescue man and I'm like well. what about in this. case so I know that we came back and I. was able to train I came back and was.

able to like bring the Tactical Lessons. Learned to change the way we think and. train I mean that's my legacy there it's. not like to make an impact on that type. of organization I think is is massive. and. and it's not like oh look at look at me. it's just like we evolve as a fighting. force and that's why it's so so capable. but as a. collective. um but like even the the grenade like. right on top of this the these cats like.

we had to go in like Rush ran upstairs. and like finish these guys off cuz. they're like [ __ ] you know they're. like zombies coming out of the [ __ ]. but I hate a lot of like over pressure. and I I guess I just never realized how. much that impacted was impacting me like. because I didn't have a physical frag or. Bullet. Hole like those the those like the.

wounds you can't see that that that. saying you know and I'm. like it makes so much sense now like. because it changes so much about your it. changes your character like everything. be be that used to be easier becomes. more difficult and cognitive processing. and function but we were able to clear. those guys. out or kill them and. then that we I still stayed in the hotel. for another 3 hours clearing the rest of. the hotel like room by.

room and and I didn't I didn't say it. was like 6 6 p.m. when I called you know. objective secure one one c one American. killed confirm you know her body cuz I. got a um a a physical description from. the from the country team and she was. one um Anita datar was one of the ones. that were initially killed in that uh. service elevator area.

but and I went back to the Embassy still. like my pistol belt on and just. like like just like like still got. [ __ ] [ __ ] all me. like gunpowder and stuff and uh the. country teams there just like waiting. for me to brief them all circled up and. I'm like what's. up like tell us all about it.

like I'm like. okay people just looked at me. differently after that you know and I. was like what the [ __ ] did you think. this was n did you think this why oh. worried now your kids why the [ __ ] are. your kids here like if there's an oper. Delta Force operators. here you think this is a good country. there's not very many of us my operator. number is 965 since. 1978 that's not me bragging that's me.

just to conceptualize how small we. are I was one or less than a thousand. still. and. the it just blew my mind they're like. what are we going to get our what are we. going to do about our kids and I'm like. get them the [ __ ] out of this country. like I got it it's just not where it is. like we I know we want to spread our. free democracy everywhere but in due. time this one hasn't baked enough it.

needs to go back in the oven yeah and. it's like it's just like the ignorance. piece of it and then masking it with. like like the the as you know like the. partying and like the social aspects of. it and. no get me don't me wrong there's great. missions in the state department is. doing and spreading you know and um and. truly like like helping others I'm just. like why did this catch you guys like. with your pants. down.

um. yeah you want to take a break M let take. a break. [Music]. so you're one of the most prolific drug. smugglers in the world smuggled cocaine. marijuana worked for Pablo Escobar the. medine cartel the oo Brothers is there.

anything you hav't. done became one of the government's most. valuable informant in the war against. against cocaine but last night in. Louisiana Barry Seal's enemies caught up. with him and killed him the plane took. off and the wheels came up with a thud. went on a little bit further and got. about 5,000 ft and they was just a. little CLI C and Miram said what was. that Dad I said he just turned his.

autopilot. on Fell reaches over and he says you fly. these things. huh and anyhow he got under me and he. shooting those tracers and he must have. been just under the airplane because. they looked like they were coming up. like in an arc right under the. windshield just red streaks up of course. some of them was alive you. [Music]. know but they hung a dead man in the. cell with me and he was. frozen and he was wrapped in a wrapped.

in newspaper strips of it like a Mumy. from his feet all the way to his head. and uh they put him on a meat hook into. a boat on the side the wall and hung him. there said you next son of a [ __ ] you. next. it's not going to land anywhere but. Arkansas that's right because you said. it's paid off all the way to the. top the old saying if you can't stand. the heat don't work in the. kitchen I can take the pressure a lot of. people di in this business I'm telling.

you I'm one of the only people I know. still alive. [Music]. all right Kyle we got you took pictures. in the days after this. happened and uh you got them here so. let's go through some of these so this. is where they were barricaded correct. yeah yeah so the storage closet it was.

like two room storage closet that was if. you were to you know button hook around. to the right of this. doorway um that's where they were held. up at and that's where they would tied. the banders they were in this room if. you were to go right into this and then. button hook around there was a a um. storage type closet room you know uh.

maintenance stuff or whatever was in it. but it didn't go anywhere else there was. no escape from that um so in that door. was closed right. so um that door to me once we were able. to to open it from the other. side signifies like an end to a door. that was day closed you know and we. opened it and that's where you know the. shield guy was able to get close enough. to to be able to drop a a Grenade on top.

of them in that Landing um just to just. to disorient them enough. to to finish him off and you know the. door itself it's it's a symbol to me of. just Carnage and. and and a of an end to what I didn't. think was going to going to end you have. a picture of that door too mhm yeah and. that door is like I took it from the.

hotel and and turned it into a beer pong. table for the rest of that trip are you. serious yeah it makes for a gnarly beer. pong table with all the The Gunshot like. the ricochet. that. yeah there was nothing else to do. man I I wanted anything and everything. to to to. just get your mind of it m and using my. own like bravado or like that operator.

Macho like yeah it's a facade like CU. underneath it was this scary little boy. that just wanted someone to hold his. hand and say hey man it's okay to not be. okay and obviously looking back I can. say that but going through it was like I. wanted to make sense of it and because I. didn't believe in things I couldn't see. and the things I saw I couldn't.

believe and that's why like looking at. this the stair the stairwell like coming. up. like as I'm walking up the stairs like. this is my P or this his per per that. perspective looking down and that's me. looking up but you can see there's like. a and I'll give you the photo but. there's a small Ricochet in between our. fields of view. and that's what's depicted on my. arm that same little Ricochet is there.

too and it this is a scene from like I'm. still building it but it's like a ghost. me running up and then kind of Fading. Into. the the dark. damn and so he was up and you were. you're looking up at him. mhm only the flight of stairs is like. this you're here pointing up yeah so I'm. going up then there's the a small. landing and then it went up and then we. we caught each other like right here so.

he's got the angle and The High Ground. And I'm like here and trying to sweep. back as I'm like running upstairs and. this is where like not having your mates. like close enough to you. like yeah there's a lot of things that. at ate me up like there's a few shots. that I know I took that I can't account. for and I I just let that consume me. because what if I what if I killed. somebody that didn't that didn't. attend and I let that D like destroy my.

my I'm better than that I'm better than. that so then it would just and then I. would just like. start like these negative selft talk. talk like stuff and I'm just a shitty. operator I'm a shitty person I'm a. shitty father I'm a shitty. husband well what a shitty people do. shitty things I'm g go do shitty stuff. but but hide it you know so and a lot of.

this I. wanted like I talk about that phone call. with my wife and how I feel like she it. she didn't have a chance she didn't have. a chance it wasn't it wasn't fair she. didn't have a chance to. to for one why why is it on her to give. me something I need like I need to be. held comforted told it's okay you're. going to be. okay without her knowing that you know. that's like an expectation in an unfair. one.

where she's not in a position have I and. have I ever opened up up to that. point like hey I'm actually afraid I'm. scared to death right now and I just. want you to tell me. like that it's going to be okay and I. didn't have a a trust I couldn't trust. in any other human being from my first. visual memory like because if I wasn't. in control I got. hurt and I damn sure wanted to believe.

and trust in God but if I can't trust in. other humans. like I saw it the other way I was like I. can't truly believe in something I can't. see but I never lost sight. of there being something out there. bigger than me as much as. I the used confidence or arrogance or or. like that the The Mask to compens or to. mask you know how I really felt like I.

was vulnerable and exposed and I was. like oh. [ __ ] it's like the the Oz you know like. they're the guy behind the the thing is. just like a. just a dude you know yeah O is just a. [ __ ] dude where's O is just a dude. and it's like you mean I'm just a dude. like behind all this boyish good looks. and and charm I'm not only am I just a. dude I'm a human being man. and forgiving.

myself for all the things. that I had no control of that I didn't. need to be like forgive myself for as it. from my childhood. and not until I. like was able to like he without sin. cast the first stone I mean that's been. something I've hung on to even in the. the darkest days where I've been like. like it would manifest itself in.

self harm self love uh self like hate um. sabotage in my own personal life. because you know what I was like I don't. I'm I don't know how to make sense of. what I've been through my whole life and. it's just been I've seen chaos in Pure. Evil at its [ __ ] closest so I believe. that that's that's just what I need and. in order for me to defeat evil I got to. be more. evil so it started getting taking this.

Twisted form of. like my service was was to feed into my. ego because my ego was my sense of self. and once that became. exposed through you know getting. arrested Beyond this and and a couple. times. and it's You Can't Hide it's like oh. impostor and but then it was all about.

like well perceptions like I'm going to. abstain from alcohol or go to this. treatment center because my what my goal. was to be the best operator I could be. and team leader eventually. in that unit. and I even asked like psych I've been in. talk therapy for six years I've done. about how three neck shots the staling. gate blocks I've. done intensive.

inpatient uh therapy for combat related. stress and substance abuse I've done the. Army substance abuse. programs always for someone else though. and never for myself. um not only like not until I. could not until I truly saw. myself from the outside from from an out. of Body Experience where I you had an.

out-of- Body. Experience yeah when was that October. last. year what was that like what' you see. I saw just the ugliness I saw I saw me. for not what I thought I was but. like like who I was what were you doing. when that.

happened I I was driving back from Texas. and I had my daughter with me and I was. doing internships in out in Austin and I. was like I got to make back there was. something I had to make it back for and. I was trying to rebuild my relationship. with my wife and this was the third. attempt and we started dating. and I was I was spiraling man and I was. running towards the only thing that I've. ever had that's been stable and never.

lost sight of me the the the. pure kind loving person and that's my. wife. and I had my oldest daughter with me and. I went to the bathroom and took a bump. of cocaine what I thought was cocaine. and I'm sitting in the driver's seat. just got gas. like started sweating and then I look I.

look over at her and I'm. like I don't feel so good can you drive. this next hour or so and then I I just. like. that's when I could see myself I it was. I I almost died from. fentanyl overdose damn man and they had. to Naran me and like this all happened. in front of my.

daughter like not the use of the drug. but man I could rationalize anything I'm. like well I didn't do it forever. so because I I had started messing. around with like things that could numb. you in this space of being a jobless or. a an operator without a mission when I. got my neck fused and then left my wife. and then I went and did the whole like I. was going to take over the breaching. sergeant major position and I was like. once I decided I'm not going to be.

operational anymore I told them and that. was the hardest thing for me to to say. but there were so many other things that. I knew from chronic pain and snia like. migraines all these things just started. really coming to the Forefront. after I got my neck fused and my. body. like I I was just like I got so many. other things I got to work on and but. then I was like but they that position. like I felt like that was the way for me. to give back another 5 years without.

like being operational but. staying like involved and then I went. and helped out with the course for one. day and it was around. blasts and it had been s months since. then between and I had a migraine for. eight days straight like debilitating. like I couldn't get out of bed um and to. the point where there was nothing I just. thought those were defo days oh was just. another defo day taleno doesn't work you.

needed some sort of central nervous. system suppressant like it's neuropathic. like ridicul opathy and nerd damage and. like all these things that I was just. like oh only a beer is only's going to. take it away and culturally it's okay. socially I can do this you know and then. I couldn't do it because my drinking had. been exposed you know because it was I. was a high functioning. alcoholic I could perform and then if I.

had something that day or the next day I. wouldn't drink so I rationalize I'm not. an alcoholic I'm abusing it from time to. time my like I talk talk. about using anything to mask an over. woman emotion to me is abuse if you're. using it it could be sex it could be. work it' be alcohol like substances it. doesn't matter but that's another way. for me to rationalize always going back. to it once I get under control then I'm.

like. complacency I'm feeling real good about. myself and my sense of self my identity. was my job it always has been because no. one ever showed me as a as a as a man as. a as a contributing member of society. what what it looks like to to to be. those things without your work being. your identity.

and it through all those ups and downs. like to me I view Rock Bottom as my. inability to lower or to not my. inability to lower my standards faster. than my. circumstances so I'll always dig whole. deeper and the next one I would have. dug would have been my own grave for. sure or I've been in jail for the rest. of my life there's three options those. two and then pushing a shopping cart. under an overpass because I'm cemented. in. PTSD. where no one understands.

me and the comparing of of trauma is the. is the problem and it's the reason that. you know people are going and and making. the most selfish decision there is and. that's to take her own life and I'm not. above it like I I've at all I've been. very close to what I think is the space. of or in hopelessness and that's the. most scared I've ever been and that's. happened to me since. 2016 on three different.

occasions where I drove myself into a. hopelessness feeling and alone in a. crowd. and no longer can be I would I knew that. I I was I can't be in bars or this or. that because it was overly stimulating. and then I would just drink and then I'd. become something else and then like it. was just this I used to joke around with. mates and stuff and be Dark Passenger. took over.

bro it's not a [ __ ] joke man it's. like a serious thing where we're we're. we compartmentalize to to do things at. such a high level over and over. but if we don't think that we have to. unpackage that at some point then it. becomes a Dark Passenger and then we. just kind of culturally just say ah you. know it's just. just someone else is driving behind the. wheel right now you. know that's not it's not okay yeah like.

it's just it's it's um. minimizing it's minimizing the impact. that that's having it's it's not a split. personality it's not it's you. and you need to give it the energy if. you ever want to like heal and recover. cuz you will and I am and only through. the spiritual awakening I had where I. truly saw. myself as many holes have I dug this was. the was the most like closest.

to. like well for one death but like I could. see clearer than day through the through. the haze of just I see that face like. like just passed out like going to choke. on my own damn whatever just laying. sitting there in the. seat and just like the reason I think. I'm still here is because I never even. though I never really knew how to love.

myself like I would never have taken my. own life because I would never do that. to my girls my daughters and my kids. like I just wouldn't do it and because I. I love them him more than I love. myself and that's a definition of. codependency and and. now only through seeing that and then. and. truly like not having a a reason or oh. I'm sorry I was just [ __ ] up or drunk. you know Daddy doesn't act that way you.

know or I'm just so mad at your mom you. know deflecting and like or just being. honest with him about hey I am dealing. with so much and and and and I'm. projecting it on you guys like they've. seen all these aspects of me but this. time there was no hiding there was no. words that could. explain it was. just Roger that and that's when I. started my my path to to recovery and.

and and in alcohol and in AA and. and acceptance has been the biggest. thing for me it's the first step. powerless powerlessness I viewed that as. weakness my whole life but it's an. opportunity for strength and. growth and man just by accepting that. I'm an. alcoholic oh holy [ __ ] it's opened. up like a a Floodgate Of feeling and and. connections and and the biggest one is a.

power greater than myself step two. believing in it not just believing in it. not just paying it lip service or. acknowledging it that the power exists. out there for me. it's trust and when I truly like. trusted in God I've been able to. communicate with. daily and and now I can trust other. human beings and it's almost like being.

like a little child on like just happier. than a pig and [ __ ] every day because. there's so much joy that I just has been. there I just couldn't see it or feel it. for what it was and it's there and. that's why like I I'm looking at this 10. months of sobriety where I'm. like man aren't we all blessed yeah this. is such a a like and and it's never it's. not too late unless we say it is and. there's and you're not alone and it's.

okay I'm telling you it's okay to not be. okay um we can do incredible things as. human beings for good and for evil and. no one thing act. decision like should Define who you are. as a person but it does and I let it and. it doesn't have to though. um what was the last you're not that. special what was the last straw for you. what made you quit drinking was it the.

Fenton all over your daughter y that's. what that was the last thing claimed it. up after that yeah cuz I was able to. mask through you know I found I I never. really played around with drugs and and. because I couldn't in the Army it was. like Oh no you're going to get drug. tested and this and that so I was like. and I never had a desire to. um with alcohol though it was like if I. look back at the signs I'm like I don't. think I've had a very successful.

drinking career H me like at all and I. can actually look back and there isn't a. happy a a a truly happy feeling that's. that's been associated with alcohol in. me. so that's having a an unhealthy. relationship with a substance and that's. called to me an allergy a uh it's it's. it's not weakness it's a it's an. alcoholism it's a I I like I measured it. I Quantified it well you know my dad you. drink a rack of beer a case of beer or. whatever every night I don't do that I.

don't have to drink to wait or to. function um and that's how I would. just you know rationalize anything and. just like uh when I got exposed to. cocaine in strip clubs in Texas I was. like wow this is this numbs everything. and I don't have to. drink but then it wears off you know so. it's like I can hide and function. because of I'm I'm at such a deficit. cognitively and emotionally and and and.

I can't let people see that so I just. want to numb it and I've always been. looking for for ways of numbing those. things and. even the night of the Rison. like when I told Erica I was like you. can't help my mind I'm like she can't. help me I was like just let me talk to. the kids and just started balling and. just told them all I loved them and from. then on like I was like I'm out and when. I say that like that relationship I got. in the extramarital affair like that.

woman was the only one that actually. like there a lot of people were like oh. man are you how you doing are you all. right like you asked me that a minute. ago and I knew knew what you meant by it. and I knew when I answered. it like I am actually okay and I can say. that with confidence whereas before I. would always just yeah man I'm. good I feel. fine you know and it's. like wait a minute like is is it lip.

service or is it like coming from the. heart and to me I was just I was looking. for somebody that could like ask me a. question without me prompting it and you. know she asked me straight up like hey. man are you how are you doing and I'm. like I'm good woo save the day and. uh no she was like oh no no no like. seriously are you like how are you doing.

are you okay and I went. no. and and then she hugged. me and that that was exactly what I. needed in that moment in time and that. led me to an extra marital Affair that. led me. to she saved me from me there I stayed. there for almost four months just like. no. Mission maintaining. relationships and I went back home moved.

out abandoned my children tried to pick. up and start a life with this woman in a. place where it was never meant me it. wasn't a reality it was just like some. Twisted um blanket it was a blanket that. I needed like just a wet blanket like U. like alcohol was. and you know I've I've kept that door. open even slightly and and the only. first person that came and actually. checked on me was when I was when we.

were redeploying and only because she. called Erica. called my chain Comm in and was like. Kyle's not okay like what are you. [ __ ] doing were they helpful did they. do anything well that got to my team. leader at the time and he flew to to. like see me in person and was like. crying CU he was like I had no idea and. I'm. like yeah man I've been. like waking up every night and seeing.

these like Shadows through the through. the mosquito net like on my bed and it. just this. like just reliving it locking myself. layers into this room or house by. myself and just. couldn't couldn't ever um relax like not. even just relax. like it's a state of hypervigilance that.

just I stayed in for for a couple. years. and. like different therapists I've talked to. or or you know like people are. introduced in your life at different re. at different times for different reasons. but this one in particular was a. psychiatrist and they said something he. said something to me in. 2018 because I was asking the hard some. hard questions with my therapists I was. like. hey am I doing more harm than good by by.

continuing to stay in this. environment cuz I was starting to see. things a little bit more differently. what environment like the the in the the. Commando environment I stayed. operational beyond all of it. and like the answer was no or I'm I'm. doing a lot more damage than than good. but the it was said to me is like what. depends on what your what's your goal is.

your end goal to be the best operator. you can. be and I I feel like that's a cop out. when you work for a command then. like your whole job is to keep us in the. fight but we're no good to you not in. the. fight so let's keep you in the fight and. and now don't get me wrong like he's not. putting words in my mouth. but yeah you're right and then and then.

the conversely where an outside. psychiatrist is like telling me hey man. I commend you for making it this far. this is two two and a half three years. removed from the Rison he's like I. commend you for making this. far but he's like there's a fire still. burning man whether the Embers it's. still Embers or whatever it's it's still. a fire whether it's. raging like you need to put the fire out. completely and you're never going to do. that we're here and I was.

like the [ __ ] did you say like to me I. was like there's no way and he's like he. said this to me he's like you've had. Delta for the past many years and you. need Disney man you need Disney and I. said you can go [ __ ] yourself. sir I wasn't ready to hear it man I just. wasn't ready to believe it or hear it. and it's so true though if you think. about like like like uh ER nurses or or.

docs where they're in a big big cities. or municipals and they're just they're. disassociation they're they're. desensitized to life and death because. they like up couldn't sa this one next. you know like you can't stay in that. environment without moments of of. periods of reprieve to reconnect with. Humanity. but to function in that space like you. have to be able to desensitize like oh I. just picked up this dude's skull I shot. in the face because I'm trying to put.

his face back together to get a a photo. that's him right like all these things. like they're not normal there a't. nothing normal about anything I've done. in my career and that's. okay. because I have a new. Mission and it it's still to help others. but now I'm doing it having helped. myself and continuing to help myself. first and love myself and build my sense.

of self from God and from within from an. altruistic mindset and then be selfless. so I truly where I told you I have I've. gained my sense of self beinging and and. worth from external validation my whole. life and that's just not the case not. anymore now I'm doing it because I know. there's more for me to do and it's to. help others because that is the joy that.

I get as a human being like sharpening. other people's edges and skills and. staying sharp and connected with them. and having conversations and. communicating in knowledge transfer and. being present and. being. grateful of this wonderful country that. we live in and and this long life that I. have to live ahead of me with. hopefully my wife and and my my.

children's children you know um because. that's my legacy is not what I've. done uh like what what awards I've. gotten or what rank I made or or CEO job. title this that it's it's how. we show. up and raise our children protect them. and then their children's children like. that is our Legacy so that's how I. change the generational like Norms that.

I've been chained to and I was never. going to be TR like fully do that. continuing to operate in that space I. was in and damn sure was going to happen. in a place where you struggle to be. mediocre and you never you never really. measure up you know especially when you. don't know how to measure up to anything. yeah so you just. perform and and then you never really.

figure out who you. are you know I've said. it a handful of times but um. you know and a lot of people hate me for. it in the community which I really don't. give a [ __ ] about. but I've said that moving farther away. every time I move farther and farther. away from the Special Operations. Community the the happier I get the less. stress I.

feel and um it took me a long time to. come to that realization though it got. so I re I I realized. this [ __ ] Community is so toxic that. I got to the point where I wasn't even. going to interview operators anymore I. wanted completely out didn't want to. know anybody didn't want to [ __ ] talk. to anybody I still struggle with it you. know but what do you think the biggest. part of that is like what do I think it.

is yeah like I think it comes. from I think it's ingrained from. training. it's who's the fastest runner who's the. fastest swimmer who's the best shot. who's got the most kills who's got the. most operations who's got the most time. in who's the best in the kill house. who's the best sniper who's got the most. jumps who's got the most qualifications. who's got the most ribons who's got the. most ribbons with Valor.

mhm who was on the biggest stop every. [ __ ] thing that happens in these. communities is a competition it never. [ __ ] ends and that brings. jealousy well if that becomes there's. it's great to have standards and units. of to a metric like to measure something. or else you never really know where. you're at in space right and and and. your mates can never really like. appreciate or you can appreciate their. you know where they're at like fully but.

but to dwell on it though to to for it. to become well this is high school right. where well that dude's piece of [ __ ] cuz. [ __ ] you know or their o oor time or. their [ __ ] like this this that and. dude is [ __ ] like toxic as hell and. this toxic masculinity of like I have to. pound my chest to prove how badass I am. to other people in this space m is like. shocking to me it's like shocking as.

[ __ ] and I'm telling you. like it's not deterring me from entering. this space it's only it's it's almost. like motivating me to. to hit people with a little bit of. [ __ ] humility and vulnerability and. guess what doesn't mean I can't still. like perform on demand performance on. demand is what a measure of like what a. great shooter and a good shooter is is. consistently shooting good like it's not. cons like every now and again shooting. this or or like it and that's just one.

one aspect this. is there's so much experience that we. have from being at War for 20 plus years. in Special Operations even being smaller. and smaller and more more Elite but the. the more Elite you get the more like. unhealthy disassociation you have with. where you stand in humanity mhm and a. part of that like that's not everyone. I'm not over I don't want to.

overgeneralize some people have a very. firm grounded and and those are usually. men of Faith there and there are very. many of them and there's not and openly. of faith and and and sober and generally. they are not well-liked yeah you're. they're going to get [ __ ] on because. they don't go out and you know big boy. at night man big boy in the morning you. know like like uh and and trust me like. I parted my face off most of the time.

everywhere I went almost all the time. like because we train hard and we play. hard and it was this this reprieve that. I have I could on anywhere I went we go. all over the world turning in all these. places and doing some amazing things but. for. me like it was it was just it was. feeding into this. like this. facade that was a it was only it was. just a matter of time for it it it.

crumbled and then everybody just saw. this scared little boy down there like. yeah just wanting someone to tell him. it's okay it wasn't his fault. you know and it's uh and then. normalizing those behaviors as a parent. like as I've learned how to be a father. and from a very young age and it's like. well they don't really understand how. hard it could be you know you guys got. it easy that's the way I I I parented. for a while anytime [ __ ] got.

real like why are they bitching why are. they crying I don't get this you know. and why should they get it and why why. do I have to make it a thing but that's. a like those are the circumstances of. the environments that I was raised in. and and that's where I'm I'm challenging. myself to to. not continue to adopt those and break it. and I'm working on that I'm working and.

I have a ton of work to do because. like they're not going to always love. you they're not going to always be there. I'm a I'm a perfect example of it. you got to show up and do the work and. they deserve every bit of you and they. need it they need you to protect them. and if I die. tomorrow I know that I am on the right. path of of of mending and healing those.

relationships and and prioritizing. them outside of myself and God they are. it. like you know in my own like energy. output and when when those. are. like when those are are healed they're. continue to be maintained there's. maintenance there's no start or Finish. Line with them but I have a lot of work. to do. still and I owe it all to the woman.

that's sitting back behind us you know. that the fact that I'm and she's my best. friend and the the first person I love. to hate well why do you think she gave. you a third chance I mean last night at. dinner I'm just going to be honest when. you guys walked in the door I was like. oh [ __ ] his wife has. cancer and then we sat on and we got to. talk and and she told me that her hair.

fell out cuz she's so [ __ ] stressed. out about what's going on at. home and I. was That's Heavy mhm that's [ __ ] real. heavy why do you think she gave you a. third. chance I don't know I'm asking God every. day about. that I I don't think there is no logical. reason other than God for her like her.

spiritual process is what has kept her I. think in the beginning the first time it. was it was me right like I think she had. a that she was still learning about her. own trauma and and the work that she. needed to start doing and she started. doing it. and and I say me meaning like like the. appeal of being in a relationship and. with me and like making at work no. matter what CU it's our covenant and her. believing in that but then now like.

through the second like God is the only. thing that's and I used to like make fun. of her about it like good you have your. God where the [ __ ] where are they you. know and I was just so ugly. and there's something there's it's. powerful man when that relationship can. see through you know because I I also.

like felt so alone and didn't know how. to trust and others. and like I started developing like. claustrophobia. like all these different panic panic. attacks it's like what the [ __ ] is. this and at the end of the day like. bearing all of it right bearing the. weight of the world like I've been able. to like give that to God and and then. share to another with another human. being and because of her she's she's.

shown me the example that I need to. follow in my spiritual conditioning and. we got a lot of work to do as partners. and and still as. individuals but have you ever asked her. why she gave you a third chance we. talked about this recently it's the only. reason is because of. God there was there was nothing. that because before I think it was like.

she she saw through all the ugliness. right and I hadn't fully I still had a. foot in the door and I was like H I. don't feel like I can cuz I wasn't. wasn't capable of even paying bills on. time and myself and running my own house. and I was like man I. suck help me you know I want to quick I. want to escape I want to here come bail. me out of this you know. and and I don't that I don't have. another there's not another one of those. I've already cashed that one in.

like so now it's like why why are we. doing it like why is she why is she like. putting up with me still and. she's my best. friend um and the only person that's. ever I've ever like tried to trust and. trust and. Trust um but that's also the person that. I've I've inflicted so much [ __ ] pain. on and now we're just dealing with all. the like residual like triggering like.

things and pain cycles and. um but if there's any anyone else that I. want to like go to the Grave like. holding my hand if they could put me in. the earth it's. her but the answer your question I don't. know other than God and that that. spiritual process and that belief. and. um. the like in me you know to when when she.

can't see it like because I'm throwing. out every bit of the it's the ugly the. evil the monster. when I was disconnected from Humanity. for for two years of my. life like she's sitting right there you. want to ask. her why why have you given me a third. chance.

Erica because I've always believed in. him. and. um through my own faith in God because I. believe in God and I think anything's. possible but I saw through this the mask. and the hurt and the pain. and. um I knew that my husband came back from. Molly his five flesh came back but he.

actually did die in that hotel that. day and so seeing. him seeing glimpse of him through. throughout that like he's still in there. like. um having that hope and um just seeing. that. and it's been a process and still seeing. that he is there you know and coming. coming.

out you're a strong. woman strong human being strongest. person I've ever met in my life. how are your. kids I got a lot of a lot of pain a lot. of things I need to like. truly like put the appropriate amount of. energy towards the healing are they. going to watch. this I hope. so you got anything to say to.

them I love each and every one of you. Ethan I've raised you since you were. four and couldn't ask for a. better like more capable son and the. stars the limits man like and I I'm I'm. sorry and you know. Kyla you guys you just made me so proud.

and I want to I want you to know that I. will always be there to support you and. I know I've leaned on you guys is more. than you you should ever have been. leaned on to to give me my sense of. self love as a father and. it's I'm working and I'm continuing to. do that work to to be the best father. and hopefully if you guys bless me with. a grandfather for your your children and.

Kaylee and. Kennedy you guys are okay too no I love. all of. you. and what what I did doesn't Define who I. am. and what I'm going to. do is just but. the a fraction of of what I owe you as a. father I love.

you thank you for letting me do. that you're. welcome they're going to love that. I hope. so that's the biggest thing for me is. like I feel like everyone's just still. disappointed in. me well but that's the shame piece and. the so forgiveness and belief and. there's probably a lot of pride in there.

too yeah you. know I got a hell of a dad. yeah how many people do you think he. saved in that. hotel a lot of [ __ ].

people even even now like saying that. like I. I know it was exactly where I needed to. be like when I needed to be there. and but I can't I can't even save my own. marriage I can't even. like prioritize my children over. everyone. else you know I'm still struggling with.

it. and I just know that I'm not going to. hang my head on that I'm going to the. fact that I was there and saved the. people I saved and now they're going to. have children they're going to have. children because of my direct like. actions and conversely the people that. I've taken off of this earth like the. intimacy of of taking another human. being's life like that's eaten at me and.

I've wore that on my. soul and I'm not looking for any more. fights man. my fight is has been ongoing and now I'm. giving it the energy it needs and it's. right [ __ ] here it's having these. hard. discussions at the end of the. day I'm going to lay my head down. tonight and I'm going to I'm going to. pray and I'm going. to not dwell on all the things I didn't.

do today I'm going to highlight a few of. the things I did that I am proud of and. then pray that I have another and if I. wake. up. man there's [ __ ] Joy. everywhere you just got to see it and I. got to say it so there I believe that. because I'm telling myself these things. so then I do them and truly believe in. them and as I'm doing that as a. byproduct I know it's helping.

others it's just I wish I could take. back all the pain I I've inflicted on. the people I care about most because I. had no idea what trauma. was but anything less than nurturing can. be considered. traumatic and I say that because I guess. first I'm like [ __ ] I've been. traumatized my whole life but more. importantly how much trauma have I. inflicted either directly or indirectly.

to the ones I've care I care about. most and what the [ __ ] am I going to do. do with it or not do about it you can't. bury it you can you can't avoid it you. can I'm choosing to acknowledge the fact. that I'm. remorseful for the things I've done I'm. proud of the things I've done for. good and those are just but like. chapters in a story in a book that I'm. still.

writing and I have a lot of story to. write well you're helping people by. being this vulnerable too. by the time this episode. airs who knows how many people are going. to watch a couple hundred thousand maybe. a couple. million there's going to be a lot of. people that decide to. live and that's because you're sitting. here sharing your.

story and that's the part you can't. quantify like a service to others. brotherly love the principles that I've. been trying to put Bo to that I learned. in the rooms of uh through my recovery. and I'm like like Integrity you can't. have integrity and party life and then. in others like ah I was just drunk like. or you know like it. it's there's no more of that for me.

it's no I'm going to have those things. and I'm going to build those things and. it's it's compassion it's hum. it's. vulnerability. service and my way of. serving people of like mind and and. shared experiences or you know I think. those are the the easiest ones from for. for me to connect with because of my. resume like oh look at this guy he's.

been through some [ __ ] like or he's done. some really cool things or whatever and. the fact is I'm like yeah and. I'm human and it's okay I'm telling you. it's okay to not be okay but comparing. traumas is is the is the enemy in this. space of Veteran suicide and and First. Responders and and. it's they call you an understand you. know that side of it where you isolate.

yourself and then well I've been through. I won't say something because they've. been through more than me or some [ __ ] I. get this all the. time or like hey man I've been through. some [ __ ] but nothing like you and I'm. stop let me explain how I you trauma and. mine's mine yours is yours there's no. better or worse like how it's what we do. with it and how we process it in healthy. or unhealthy ways and then how that. manifests in our lives that make us. better or worse not the trauma trauma is. about that person's journey in life up.

to that point in in their perspective in. that. situation and their guard like what what. they've guarded they prepared their mind. body and spirit for or or they didn't. they were exposed or it could be you. know a car accident like it could be a. miscarriage a woman having a miscar like. that those are all equally as as. traumatic to me like now were they the. context piece of that person's life that. could be what tips them over the edge.

and takes their and to take their own. life and who am I to say that their. trauma well they shouldn't have did that. that's not bad. enough well [ __ ] me I'm I'm I'm the. problem if I'm saying that and then if. I'm creating environments where that is. now normalized well [ __ ] like you and I. go into this room I go left you go right. some gnarly [ __ ] happens in the room we. leave we get back to base or whatever. and I go or you go hey Kyle I don't know.

how I feel about what happened in that. room and I. go [ __ ] that was a Tuesday Sean. get your [ __ ] back on we're going back. out what am I doing I'm perpetuating. like an environment where don't [ __ ]. ever say anything isn't isn't okay or. weird or off oh but if it's a tactical. misjudgment oh people will [ __ ]. detonate on you and as they should and. there's a forum for it.

but like that process is is like man. what an opportunity to take as a as a as. a leader in those spaces and be like. what do you mean like what what's. up those two words could be the. difference between that person drinking. thems into a [ __ ] Oblivion and. blowing their brains out. and and sharing something. that they may never shared with anyone. else and they see you as an. opportunity of of well oh man we went in.

the same room but perspective is about. you're looking at it from your point of. domination because we don't strong wall. here brother. there a little tactical joke. but it's uh you know it's an L-shaped. Ambush man and but it's my perspective. and yours and and then our Journeys in. life how we slept the night before how. exposed we are to to what it is we're.

perceiving a little compassion can go a. hell of a long ways it's crazy I mean. that's truly what leadership is is is. compassion for others and communication. like good. leadership I think I've talked about a. lot I'm. like.

yeah do you have anything else you want. to talk. about I think we might need to schedule. another episode. I think it's a good time to end it yeah. no I really do thank you thank you for. letting me you know have this. conversation with you and this forum to. to share it I I know that there's it's. helping me significantly and her and my. family the ones I care about most and.

then. others. people just like I said the story about. like I wasn't ready to receive things. like when like even like Kyle Lambs told. me things where he's like hey man try. your best five years four years ago he's. a spiritual Mentor mine. and like a father figure and he's like. try your best to love everyone and I was. like Kyle if I didn't if I wasn't afraid. of you I'd tell you to you're full of.

[ __ ] and uh but it's. like it it makes so much sense what he. was trying to say to me I just wasn't. ready to receive it. so now I am truly almost to a fault like. trying to love everyone that doesn't. mean I got to like. everyone but at its core um and that's. where it's where like I'm like this. little kid out there like truly feeling. like and seeing humanity and but with a. body of experience and a wealth of.

knowledge of of uh uh. like like things that I can use for good. that were on the. surface awful environments or. like environments that can Define you. and and Define you right into isolating. yourself. into nothing like an alienation of your. own your own demise.

yeah but it's all about iron sharpens. iron and he said that to me too and. metaphorically I was like like you need. a harder metal to sharpen a softer one. so that's [ __ ] but I get it. now this is the mind that I like the way. I thought you know and very like I think. abstractly and and I communicate that. way sometimes but sometimes it's like. well no analytical and.

like I guess pra not pragmatic but yeah. like always trying to break down to the. why you know that I talk about about and. a lot of it some of it's just Blind. Faith and a power greater than. yourself CU if you're the biggest thing. in the. world it's a lonely. island well I think you're making a hell. of a comeback I'm a comeback kid yeah I.

don't know if I like to climb out or. diing the hole. man or both no I'm not digging any more. ho we seem to be going in a very. positive direction now it's it's it's. coming out in the light yeah like truly. it is it's like that pressure that. monkey off my back of they need Kyle. Morgan oh. then I'm. 965 they need me no it's not [ __ ]. next man.

up it's a machine this country needs. that the world needs it I. don't that's a good place to start stop. it right. there almost C in it it was a real honor. man it really was I'm I'm [ __ ]. rooting for you I know everybody. watching is rooting for you and uh you. know best of luck with your training. company blue bearing. Solutions get.

ready cuz a lot of [ __ ] people are. going to want some training from you now. so me included do so if you ever run a. out here in Tennessee let me know I'll. take it absolutely I will no I know I. know you're serious and I I appreciate. this opportunity I. do you're you're. doing you're doing things that I really. admire and you're doing them in a way. that's you're creating this space which.

you inherently are saving lives and. letting us and you be a part of that. Journey sh of sharing them so keep doing. it I. will um thank. [Music].

you hey everybody I'm Shawn Ryan click. here to subscribe to the Sha Ryan Show. YouTube channel for the hottest and most. compelling inter interviews that you. will not see anywhere else I've also. made a playlist of all the previous SRS. episodes so they're easy to find you can. find that right here.