Joe Rogan Experience #2296 - Big Jay Oakerson

Joe Rogan podcast. Check it out. The Joe. Rogan Experience. Train by day. Joe. Rogan podcast by night. All day. Big J. We're rocking. What's happening? Hell. yeah. You went with the three nose. rings. Now you're getting crazy. Yeah, it's getting carried away. I went to go. I had a cold and I think I blew my nose. one of them out. So then I went to go. get it re put back in and I was like.

throw another one in there while you're. at it. [ __ ] it. I'm me fighting age, I. think. Is that what it is? Yeah. Yeah. There's something weird when you're. fighting age. Like you know you're doing. it but you can't help it. Oh yeah, absolutely. Like when people make fun of. the way I dress or whatever, coloring my. hair, my piercings to and they always. like is it going to change at some. point? And I am hitting an age where I'm. like I can't just do a hard shift one. day. But it is funny to think like I. can't see myself at 65 with painted. doing some of the stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know why not. Who gives a.

[ __ ] You can. But it's also like I feel. if I saw it, I'd have a million and one. jokes about it. Right. But it's still at. the end of the day you're like, you. know, I'd walk out and go, "Ah, I forgot. my pocket scarf. I got to go back. upstairs. I forgot my As long as you're. still funny, you can pull it off. But. when you're bombing with red hair and. three nose rings, [ __ ] that's true. Becomes an issue. As long as you stay. funny. That's why I think when I first. started, I tried to blend in whatever I. was. I started that black circuit, so.

like I had so much foo [ __ ] on. Oh, there you go. And just like Yeah. jerseys and stuff, so I definitely. played it up. The funniest was having a. big silver chain with a cross. And I'm. Jewish. But I just really was like, I think. they'll like me more if I have a cross. When I first started, I thought you had. to dress like those guys on Evening at. the Improv. So, I got a blazer and I. rolled the sleeves up and I had like a. wacky t-shirt that I wore. The costume? Yeah, the costume. You have a button on. your blazer. Some wacky button. I. watched all those shows growing up. Even.

at the Improv, Caroline's Comedy Hour. The evolution of comedy is insane. It's. pretty insane. Yeah. The evolution of. just like the fact that these guys I've. watched uh like we always laugh and go. back to Bill Kersbower. Do you know that. was that was the guy? I remember him. He. played he was the coach on a sitcom. Um, he got a sitcom called Just the 10 of Us. where he had like eight kids or. something. He was like a coach. It was a. spin-off show of some sort, but he was. just like a a zany comic. He just would. go on stage and he was just loud and. weird and Yeah. Oh, yeah. But these were.

the guys who made the rounds, right? Uh, Monologists. Yeah. Well, it's almost. like their act just got them to a. sitcom. Like that was a real strategy. back then. You had an act that could get. you to a sitcom. That's all everybody. wanted. when I did New Faces in. Montreal, uh my manager at the time, terrible, uh just gave me, I mean, he. was just pushing the old advice. He was. like everything was like, "Don't be. yourself at all. Like, write write a set.

that's going to be what's your sitcom. basically and uh and dress, you know, a. certain kind of dress like for stage.". And I don't know what I was I didn't. know how to like what he meant in nice. clothes. So I had like black loafers and. straightlegg like dark blue. dungarees and like a short sleeve button. down shirt. Pictured you in black. loafers on and and and a and a short. sleeve like blue button-down shirt. It. looked ridiculous and it was so. dramatic. It's also funny too doing it.

as long as I have now. 27 years I think. I'm doing it. Like the the hilarious. like fake emotion you put into things. I. remember having my daughter was a baby. when I did New Faces and talking to the. picture backstage before I went on stage. like all right we're going to go do it. and then had a mediocre set and all I. got from New Faces was like a MTV2. talking head oneoff like what were they. thinking or something what were they. wearing MTV2 presents? You remember. those things where you would just start. talking [ __ ] about people? That's it.

Yeah. And they would they just clip it. up. They took uh they wouldn't I did a. couple of them. They didn't air most of. it. Uh, and the one I always remember. because when I would go back to MTV for. anything, they would always be like, "We. still pass the like the segment around. of you doing the what were they. thinking?" Yeah. And it was Fiona Apple. on an award show years ago to accept her. award. She got up there and started. quoting like the great Maya Angelou or. something. And I was like, "Maia. Angelou?" I was like, "What is she. talking about my Angelou for?" Look, we. all loved her as Weezy Jefferson and I.

enjoy her pancake syrup, but and then. they were like, "Yo, like you can't call. my Angela Anchamima." I'm like, "But I'm. kidding." Like, but I'm kidding though. I know who MyAngelo is. Wasn't it funny. that they took Anchamima off of. Anchamima, but that was an actual lady. who was an entrepreneur? Yeah. And they. just could get rid of it because no. one's paying attention to why go they. don't dress like that anymore. They just. decided that Anchamima was racist. Uncle. Ben. But that's true, right? I mean, this this is not a Tik Tok myth, is it?

Make sure that's true. I might have got. I got I might have got fooled by Tik. Tok. I should say reals because I'm not. really on Tik Tok. Whether or not. Anchamima was a real. entrepreneur. I'm pretty sure it's true. I think I think it's based on a real. woman and I think she just was like an. awesome cook and put together. some [ __ ] pancakes. Some great. pancakes. Yeah, there's a lady that. Nancy Green, it says. Oh, so her name. wasn't Jamaima right there. That's the.

real lady. I mean, this is the first. ads, I guess. You could tell me that's. You can tell me. Hold up, hold up, hold. up, hold up. Looks like racist. propaganda. Look at this. Look at this. Eyes in town, honey. Okay, all arguments are out the window. Eyes in town, honey. Okay, unless you. are an actual black person saying that, you can't write that down. Like, you. know, that was some [ __ ] egghehead. advertising executive to put that.

together. And the poor guy, the poor guy. at the printing press had to keep. double-checking. He was like, "Are you. sure we're going to do this?" I. apostrophe S. Okay. Yes. It's how they. speak. Oh, I don't know, man. Oh, bro. I. don't want to get involved in this. Oh, damn. That was a crazy picture. I just. saw I went to a uh That's so crazy. I. was looking at an art gallery in Philly. recently that had like a Dr. Seuss uh. exhibit at it and I forgot that Dr. Seuss had all those like crazy racist. drawings and stuff, right? What were.

they? What were they? It was just like, you know, a hunter like with like a. savage with like giant lips and stuff. like that. That's right. You know what's. like the most crazy racist [ __ ] that. caught me off guard was Arcrumb. Yeah. you know, Arcram, the like 70s. sort of psychedelic comic book guy. Um, he was very popular when I was a kid. living in San Francisco and when I was. an artist and I was like I used to love. his stuff cuz like god this guy's so. weird and then I saw some of like the.

super racist ones and you're like. yo what the [ __ ]. It really is the explanation is like now. it's a different time. Oh, he had some. just weird [ __ ] man. Like he like. riding on giant women. Do you ever see. the um documentary they did on him? No, but I know what it is. Yeah. No, I've. never seen it. It's very interesting. It's like cuz his brother is super weird. and his mother is super weird. And you. know, here's this guy like wearing a tie.

and he's real pervert and he's like. openly a pervert but like a brilliant. artist. That's great. Yeah. Fascinating. I've heard of it before. It is amazing. though that the stuff I was went to a uh. a musician a musician's house for New. Year's Eve when I first moved to New. York so 20ome years ago and he just. invited me and Kurt Mezer and we went to. his uh apartment and it was covered in. like [ __ ] paintings like real oh jeez. but there was like black people at the.

party it was just like yeah it's art and. I'm like kind of I don't know if I'd. cover my house in something I had to. explain every one of them to people I go. no No, no, no, no, no. Yeah, you have a lot of choices. You. could have puppies, flowers. I see. It's. so funny when someone makes uh strong. decisions if they like change their. ways. I used to drive uh strippers to. bachelor parties to be the bouncer with. zero skills to handle that whatsoever. I. took the job as like fat kid that wanted. to see naked girls for free. And I ended.

up at a bachelor party with two. brothers. was one of the brothers thing. and he was covered in like swastika. tattoos and all kinds of crazy [ __ ] and. the the strippers were not both white. for sure but there's also black people. this party and stuff like that and I. don't know the explanation these guys. have to give but I talked to one of. their black friends and was like hey is. it weird to ask but like these guys are. all covered in like swastika and racist. tattoos and they were like oh yeah they. just got caught up in some [ __ ] when. they were teenagers they're good dudes.

like wow. And they're still wearing short sleeve. shirts, huh? That seems strange. Like. you think these guys are being like uh. wearing Terrell Owens bodysuits like to. cover that up. It's like one of the. arguments why you shouldn't be able to. get a tattoo until you're 25. Like is. that when the brain's fully formed? Yeah. When you're a boy, your brain's. Women mature younger, but when you're a. boy, your brain is fully formed at 25. when you're able to make solid. decisions. What decisions do girls make. for tattoos that are that great? Very. few swastikas. Very few swastikas. Like. what are the numbers of swastikas on.

girls versus on dudes? Like if we could. Google that please. What percentage? Like what percent? I. think it's just that one girl the. character that Fuza Balk played in. American History X. Did you I just read. a thing recently. This made me laugh so. hard. You know this movie American. History X. Yes, I remember that movie. That movie was crazy. Great movie. Crazy. movie. Ending is such a question mark on. it, right? Um and if you recall like you. know he goes to prison, he reforms. himself. He comes out. But he tries to.

get his brother out of that mindset of. being a white supremist. And then he. succeeds basically in telling him the. story of what happened to him in jail. And then the next day he walks his. brother to school. Brother gets killed. by a black kid. Shoots him in the chest. and he dies. And then uh he goes in to. save him. Or he goes in there and just. cries screaming like, "What have I. done?" You know, his brother's dead now. And then they do they end the movie. The. director who apparently was a lunatic, him and Edward Norton like fought the. whole time. Oh, really? Over like how. the movie should go. But the director's.

ending he wanted to do was uh after the. brother gets shot by the by the black. kid, they were going to show Edward. Norton in the mirror and then with the. big swastika tattoo on him and then he. was going to smirk in the mirror and. walk off. I was like, they should have. played back in black after that. He's back and he's racist than ever. I. was almost going to get it removed. Just imagine being smiling at him. Imagine like a Schwarzenegger movie. ending to American History X. That is so.

crazy that he wanted to do that. I mean, not the song, but that is they should. have played the song. Yeah. The image of. smirking. The song would have been. Everybody would have been so mad. Can. you imagine if you cheesed it up just at. the end like you have this brilliant. movie and at the end just total cheese. ball curveball ending. Oh man. I. remember taking a a date to go see uh it. was a girl I lost my virginity to who's. a little bit older than me and very a. very hippie dippy girl and we went to go. see um oh what the.

[ __ ] was the movie? It was a John. Singleton movie. Boys in the Hood. [ __ ]. No, no, no, no. It was the one on the. school. campus. Um why am I blanking on it? Omar. Eps was in it. Tyra Banks was in it. Michael Rapaort was great in it. Oh, Higher Learning. Higher learning. Uh, absolutely. I took this girl to see. Higher Learning. And the movie is great. At the end of the movie, uh, Michael. Rapaort goes CR. He becomes he gets. roped into being a white supremist with. the skin head group on campus. Never.

seen that. These guys were I mean like. hardcore onampus skin. heads. But they still got loans. It's a science fiction movie. They're. like white power. All right. I got uh I. got social studies in a few minutes on. campus. I got to go. Oh my god. Hey, can. you finish uh can you finish nailing. these crosses together? What year is. this? 95. 95. So crazy. Yeah. Right when. I graduated high school. And I take her. to see this movie. And it said the movie. is uh Michael Rapport joins the the skin.

head group. Um black people on this. campus. A lot of things. There's like a. black party going on. I think a white. kid uh tried to rape a girl, Christy. Swanson. And then all the black guys go. to help and like kind of beat up the kid. who raped her. And then the cops of. course come and get mad at the black. people and save the rapist. Then Michael. Rapport goes nuts, goes on top of the. school and starts picking off uh black. people in a 90minute arc. Oh yeah. Starts picking off black people. Uh one.

of them kills Omar Ep's girlfriend, Tyra. Banks. Oh god. And then he's he gets. into a fight. Omar Eps and him get into. a fist fight over and then the cops. break it up. Start beating the [ __ ] out. of Omar Eps. And then Michael Rapaort uh. pulls a gun out on the cops when they're. trying to stop him. And and I know the. scene's trying to be like they're trying. to keep the situation calm so nothing. more crazy happens. But they're going. like, "It's okay, son. Everything's. going to be okay. We're okay." You know, while he's like holding the gun and then. uh I think Michael Raport kills.

himself is how that ends. And then at. the end there's like a concert happening. and they just put the word unlearn. across the screen and you could just. hear black people on the audience go. what the [ __ ] And I was like yo let's. go like let's go. And she was like what? I was like no no no let's go. Like do. not let these credits start. Let's get. in the car. And I mean I don't know how. bad it got out there but it was a. yelling a lot of yelling. It was an. inflammatory movie. Wow. There's no. point in a movie where a white person.

got their their due. It was always like. a white person [ __ ] over black people. and then the cops are like, "Wow, you're. fine." Jesus. Hey, [ __ ] happens, man. You can make a movie like that before. the internet. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know. what? Yeah. Cuz there wouldn't be a a. million signature proof that this. shouldn't be a thing or whatever. Well, it's also preposterous. Like patently. preposterous just to argue it. Well, if. you you're pretending there's a white. power group on a college campus. How.

about ever? Is ever like this is crazy. Like you found the one that was just. study the one college there's a white. power group in it and like open openly. openly what walking around tattoos out. and all the cops are openly racist. Like. not just like there's a racist cop just. like there's a racist [ __ ] postman, you know? There's racist everything. There's a racist dentist out there. somewhere. Yeah. But no, they make it. like at the at the today's meetings. like, "All right, let's round up some. blacks. Make sure these whites are. okay." So crazy. So crazy. You can make.

a movie like that. I think you still be. that kind of inflammatory. They go for. it. I just watched that adolescence. thing which I thought was Adolescence. It's this uh new It's a four-part like. miniseries on Netflix. It's. British. I'm like I watch things so. open-minded and just looking to be. entertained that I miss messages a lot. But by the third episode, I realized. what it's about. A little boy gets. immediately accused of uh how it starts. of killing a classmate and he's getting.

arrested. Each episode is one shot to. make. It's like a play and the acting is. unbelievable. But the what it whittleles. down to it's apparently like a uh from. the the videos I watched beyond like the. show explained cuz I look at all those. and it was like an anti like toxic. masculinity like message and the idea. was just like the kids watched porn and. his dad's a tough guy so that's why he. thought he can kill a woman or why he.

can kill a girl. Wow. And they shout out. uh and again this I don't know a lot of. this guy's stuff other than the basic. idea but they shout out Andrew Tate and. it when I heard that name I was like oh. that's what this is. But here's the. thing there is that could be a real guy. Like that's less preposterous than the. white power group on campus. Oh yeah. There's kids that get radicalized. They. get an evil parent who you know [ __ ]. They didn't really make it that dad was. evil. They were making it more like the. porn and like the idea that like mom.

should be in line and cooking because. the guys who grow up without a mom, those guys can def if they have a shitty. dad and no mom, those guys could. definitely be and if you have psycho in. your DNA. I had too much mom. No, you. didn't. No, you had the perfect amount. to make you. This episode is brought to. you by my friends at Black Rifle Coffee. That's all I drink, folks. If you see me. drinking coffee in the studio, it's. Black Rifle Coffee. is because my friend. Evan Hayer, who owns a company, I love. them to death, and they make the best. coffee in the world. They put together.

the best energy drink in America, made. with 200 milligrams of naturally sourced. caffeine, low calories, and absolutely. zero sugar. It's available in four new. delicious flavors. Project Mango, Ranger. Berry, Freedom Punch, and White Frost. Veteranfounded and veteranled. Each. Black Rifle Coffee purchase you make. helps them give back to those who serve. our nation. Shop now at black rifle.

coffee.com/jo with the code roan for 30%. off or visit your local grocery and. convenience stores. Black Rifle Coffee, America's coffee. I had my little dad, lots of mom, just tendencies when I was. my step, man. He swooped in and saved my. ass from really being as. as twirly as possible without being into. [ __ ]. I mean, I was right there prime for the.

take. And I'm sitting there laying on my. tummy as a kid watching Falcon Crest in. Dallas with my mom. Oh my god. That's what I know Lorenzo. Llamas from. Falcon Crest, not Renegade. like everybody else. Was Renegade the. one where he was the karate guy? He was. the karate guy. Uh but he was uh sent he. was a bounty hunter. That's right. On a. motorcycle. But wasn't he like a karate. guy, too? Oh, yeah. Am I make I'm not. making that up. Well, no. No. He would. fight his fights with karate. That guy. was Steven. Beautiful. He was gorgeous.

So handsome. I know. It really is the. the sadness of a guy that handsome. because he got a girl that was smoking. hot and then what's it? Shauna Sand. Look at him. Yeah. He married I think he. married Shauna Sand was like a Playboy. girl and then they break up and she gets. crazy surgery. She looks like a lunatic. She's doing starts doing porn. Oh no. And he still looks pretty great. He's had a ton of [ __ ] series. Those. weird series that you like flip through.

in the middle of the night like he's a. motorcycle detective or something. It's. like there's a bunch of those. How many. series? He's one of those guys like. always has a series. I mean, the. alliteration of the name, he was. handsome. It was all kind of perfect. Yeah. Does he have any career? Does he. keep the long hair? No. There's no way. Cuz he still rock it like Fabio still. rocks it. He's not letting go. Damn. Respect. No. See, he's got short hair. Look at him. Even older with white hair, handsome as [ __ ] But I mean, and but I. mean, comparatively, too, if you look at. the ex that was like his holy [ __ ] wife,

she fell apart. They all fall apart. That surgery is a crazy way to go. because you can't see what you look. like. It's like anorexics or. bodybuilders. You get dysmorphia. You. your brain starts playing tricks on you. and you think your lips aren't big. enough and your tits aren't big enough. and your face is, you know, like there's. some skin on the side of your ear. You. could pull it back and you tuck this and. pull that and my ass would stick out. more if they put the implants in and. that would probably get me a better a. better guy. I'd get a fat ass. I always.

say I crowdsource it. If the audience. will pay for it, I'll get a fat ass. Let's find out what they do cuz I'm. bewildered. So, I know that there's an. operation where they take fat out of. other parts of your body and they stuff. it in your ass and it your ass looks. like a bag of cheese, which there's bad. ones. I mean, maybe there's good ones. Maybe there's good ones. Maybe I'm being. judgmental. There's probably a doctor. out there. Hey, I do it under the. surface of the fat so that there's. always a smooth area on top. Some wizard. with a BMW. Um, but at this point, there. are good breast implants at this point.

There are they exist. Yes, they feel. real. But also they look real and they. don't have like the where you have like. the you know you see rib cage between. them. Yes. But here's the thing you are. um putting something that similar to. breast tissue where breast tissue would. be. So with this your butt is a muscle. Yeah. You know it's like muscle and fat. A male Why'd you say male Jamie? He's a. male. How dare you? What do you mean? can expect to retain anywhere from 60 to. 80% of the fat that is initially.

transferred into the butt. I like when. they say butt like that. I really think. they're, you know, professional. [ __ ]. You're talking about surgery. You're. calling butt surgery. What kind of a. [ __ ] doctor? Let me see your diploma. Now, you're going to want to be gentle. when you take a [ __ ] for the next 3. weeks. The rest will be reabsorbed by. the body over time. The results you see. immediately after surgery and in the. weeks following are not permanent. Around 90 days post op, your bind your. butt will finally stabilize into its new. shape and.

size. The procedure itself is. semi-permanent as opposed to permanent. As your body responds to natural aging. process and normal weight fluctuations, so too will your buttocks. Depending on. the precautions you take during your. recovery and the lifespan you maintain. in the time following, your BBL may last. several years to even decades. I saw a. dude at the mall the other day with a. BBL. For sure. 100%. No way. It's real. gay. Yeah, super. How dare you ask that? Imagine if. it wasn't a gay guy. Imagine straight.

guys start getting BBLs. It has to. exist. Has to. There's definitely a guy. There's probably a whole website. dedicated to like normalizing straight. guy BBLs. The daddy makeover. Daddy. makeover. Just lift way too [ __ ]. [ __ ] Yeah. I mean, just go to the gym. and do the work. shut your mouth and. stop it with your BBL. And listen, and. I'll put it out there again, unless the. crowd pays for it, I will get a fat ass. Here's the thing. I think there's other. ways to do it. And this was my question,

cuz I know there's an implant as well. Yeah. So, there's uh there's butt. implants, which is kind of even crazier. because then you're taking the risk of. having something a foreign object in. your ass where everyone's scared to get. cancer. Like, if you're scared to get. cancer, what's the place where you're. scared to get the cancer the most? Ask. cancer. You don't have to [ __ ] in a bag, you know? So, like you're thinking about. these plastic things that you've. inserted into the muscle tissue. surrounding your What kind of. inflammation is going to be caused by. that? What What about the plastic.

leeching into your body as you're in the. sauna? What the [ __ ] are you doing? Yeah, it's a weird thing. You know, I. can't believe they still have in uh. perfected dick surgery, dick uh. lengthening or thickening surgery. But. what's crazy is there are procedures and. people get them. Yeah. I couldn't. imagine getting a procedure that's been. done like under a thousand times yet. Well, here's the thing, man. You don't. want to be the first You didn't want to. be the first tonsillectomy. And that's. like routine. Isn't it kind of shocking.

that no one's figured out a way to make. a bigger dick? It's kind of shocking. It. is shocking. That's what I'm saying. I'm. surprised that hasn't been a thing. There's the butt the butt enlargement. Intramuscular buttock implants. So now. when they say butttock, I feel a little. bit more comfortable. Yeah, I feel like. these are real pros. So, you're going to. take those plastic? What are those. things made out of, Jamie? Let's find. out. What? Those ones are dirty. They. pulled him out of a butt to a. dransitioner. Okay, so what does it say? Buck butt o augmentation is most.

commonly performed by fat injections. Da. da da da da. Well, men can do like. women's synthetic. Oh. While men can do. like women synthetic filters, fillers, oh, synthetic fillers, oh boy. And fat. injections, they often are less tolerant. to the procedures that require multiple. treatments and whose effects are more. modest. Interesting. They're often. smaller and flatter buttocks are more.

resistant to augmentation efforts with. stronger intergludial muscles and a. thinner subcutaneous fat layer. So he's. saying, "I can do it to dudes, but it's. not going to come out good." Isn't it. crazy that the only real endgame of. this? Cuz like, what's the benefit in. your life? It's It's But it's like It's. like money. It's like ultimately it's. like finding someone who's going to like. your weird body more. You think it's. money for dudes? It's like, "Oh, for. dudes." Yeah, these are dudes. That's a. dude. Oh, that's then it's just gay. Probably gay as [ __ ] Or maybe the guy.

was also crowdsourced and maybe they. paid for it. Maybe. Maybe it's just. Yeah. uh solid ultra soft silicon. buttock implants of 400cc were placed. and a layered muscle and incision. closure done. No drains were used. His. long-term results showed good. improvement. Scroll up, please. His. buttock size and shape. He's even. probably better in that regard than I. thought could occur. Ew. Do some squats.

It looks fake. Like there's a lump. There's a lump where you have a tumor in. your ass, sir. Like look, there's like a. little ridge where all of a sudden the. implant is. That's so weird that I'm. staring at this guy's butt. I just don't. think it's the same guy. It's the same. guy. I trust these people. Why would the. internet lie? They're butttock people. Why would the internet lie? They. wouldn't lie. But the penis surgeries. are like nutty things from like cutting. a tendon. Yeah. To make it just poke out. a little more. And then there's other. ones where they thicken it up. They get.

in there with a mesh and thicken it up. Nice sauce. when I when I was uh heavier. even I went to I got a consultation free. consultation at a plastic surgeon. I was. like I bet if I I'm fine with my hard. dick but I hate my soft hang sometimes. And I was like I bet if I got my gut. sucked out liposuctioned it'll make it. uh you dig more impressive. It'll make. it look bigger soft uh particularly. And.

I'm like so I went to the consultation. It was a male doctor. So, you're like, "Okay." And he gets you. I mean, I knew. he was going to have to look ultimately. at one point, but this guy uh takes me. in a mirror. He goes, he goes, "All. right, drop your pants." I drop my. pants. And I also have doctor dick, you. know, like it's like I'm also a guy, so. I'm like, "Shit." And you can't like I. didn't want to try to like fluff it up. Yeah. Fluff it before he walks in your. balls. So, I So, I um he [ __ ] uh comes in and.

he's like, "Uh, drop your pants on. And. he goes, "Walk over to this mirror.". Which I was like, "Oh god, don't make me. do this." And I stand in front of the. mirror and he goes on either side of my. dick with his hands and he goes, "Right. now it looks like this." And I can make. it look and he just pushes my fat back. and goes like this. And I was like, "His. dick is just inches from your face." I. was like the whole time. Uh-huh. And. then I pulled my pants up like a victim. and left the office and never even. thought about it again. That was crazy.

That's a weird look. Yeah, he was like. just getting in there. And then here, I'm gonna move my face six inches from. your dick. But don't worry. I went to. school. A doctor looking up at you. I. have diploma. You see the frame diploma? This is fine. This is fine. This is a safe space. This is What does. your dick taste like? I wonder. Oh man. There's no way he doesn't go out and. talk to those hot ass nurses about my. little wiener. Yeah, definitely. Littlest dick. Oh my god, it smelled.

like cheese. I don't know. At this. point, they expose so many people. Do. you believe anybody's genuine goodness. anymore? It's hard to believe. You know, I went down a deep dive looking at uh. doctors who use their own sperm in uh. fertility clinics. Yeah. I was I was. researching this one case. I was just, you know, I just wanted to find out. like, God, how did this guy How' they. catch him? What happened? Then I found. there's like hundreds of cases. Oh, yeah. It's got to There's hundreds of. cases. There's hundreds of cases of. doctors doing this. There's doctors. using their own sperm and then people.

finding out on 23 and me because there's. like [ __ ] everybody in the. neighborhood's related. It's just their. kink just to like jerk off in the vials. It's just such a crazy thing. There's so. many [ __ ] psychos out there. What do you giggle at while you're. injecting a girl with your jizz? And. you're like, I had this guy on yesterday. that spent 25 years as an undercover uh. FBI guy that infiltrated biker gangs and. neonazis. And bro, like you talk to a.

guy like that and you start like really. wondering like what where where's the. good in the world? Like how how many. creeps are there? Like how many really. [ __ ] psychotic people are out there. organizing right now in the world? That's a wild thing to go with like. different groups undercover though too. if they ever overlap someday like and. you go, "Hey, you were a skin head two. months ago. When'd you become a biker?". Yeah, exactly. And this guy is, look at. him. I'm going show you a picture of. him. Just a big [ __ ] giant dude with.

a goatee and pulled back hair and. tattoos all over his arms. So, he like. blended right in with all these psychos. Thank God. I used to have a when I was. young I had a joke about the concept of. like with the hookers where you have to. they go well if you ask them if they're. a cop they'll tell you they tell you. goes they have to tell you or it's. entrament and I was like then what the. [ __ ] is undercover work I said doing. like 5 years with the mob and then one. day they go hey you know I never even. asked you this is stupid but are you a.

cop like [ __ ] man yeah I I think that. was like you were in my kids christening. I know man you never asked I swore at. this one I thought you were never going. to ask. I think that was like a dumb. thing they made up for TV shows, you. know, and then everybody thought it was. real. It was like some dumb plot point. Are you a cop? No. Yeah, you of course. you could say no. Right. Because the. good guy who was the cop always had to. be honest. Yeah. You would never lie. This guy this he was telling me about he. had to do cocaine with these people. They had to beat people up and he's like.

if [ __ ] went down, man, I ought to be a. part of it. The prostitutes things they. would do on cops were always they'd get. in the car and they'd be like, "Are you. a cop?" And he goes, "Come on. Do I look. like a cop?" Bro, this guy got busted. wearing a wire and got away with it. Really? They didn't find the wire. No. [ __ ] They came that close. He said they. were inches away. They were rubbing his. clothes, like checking all his clothes. He said they were inches away, but he. was like arguing with them. I can't. [ __ ] believe you guys. Like that kind. of [ __ ] after I after I mysteriously. showed up three weeks ago and now I'm.

working my way through the ranks. Now. you're gonna start patting me down. All. right. And I'm helping you run guns and. drugs to Mexico. Guys, I donuts. yesterday morning. I'm the I'm that guy. I'm that guy. I am your brother. I'm the. dude. And meanwhile, they all go to jail. eventually. Like also also when they do Undercover, it still seems like some like when they. would go home at night still come out of. their biker clothes. How was it, hun? These guys are animals. I hope one of. them didn't happen to follow me home.

Well, he was he was not doing things. that were anywhere near his home. That's. the thing. He would go away for long. stretches at a time and go back and. forth and he had all these reasons for. doing so. Different businesses that he. did that he was involved with. Did he. ever like find himself I mean you kind. of like hang with somebody that much. time and they think you're their friend. Do they ever get like sympathy for them. or whatever? Yeah. Yeah, definitely. That's one of the more fascinating parts. about it was like he this guy that he. had to put in jail. He's like, "That guy. was like my friend." He's like, "I we. finished each other's sentences. We were.

just like each other than the fact that. he was a criminal and I was an FBI. agent." And I was like, "Do you think. that you could have gone down that road. if you had the wrong life?" Like, "Abso. fuckingutely, man. Abso fuckingutely.". He goes, "All of us could have." I go, "That's what I think, too. I think. that's what happened to Michael Rapaort. and Higher Learning. He got in with the. wrong crowd. He was a regular guy with. good intentions. Next thing you know, he's shooting women. super normal in a. 90minute arc of a film. It was so much. so fast. It was unless he's the star of.

the film where they follow him every. step of the way. It was like Clockwork. Orange for black people. They they mean. they put like it's like for 90 minutes. you just bl Yeah. Michael Rapaort is. this kid. It is hilarious. You got to. see when the cop It's when the cops have. him at the end and they're like, "Son, everything's going to be fine. You're. white." Oh my god. Oh my god. Rapaort does a really good job of. complaining about things. Like he's. always got something that he's [ __ ]. screaming and yelling about. Pretty.

hyped about Israel. It seems it seems. like it. Yeah. I've only seem hyped. about two things. Israel and. Ari the only two things I've ever hyped. up Michael before. And also I think uh the rising of the. black race also I think pissed him off. at scenes in that scene. in that scene. But to his credit, that was the 90s. Yeah. Yeah. Nobody knew better back. then. Well, that's so funny for him. Also, if you remember his first big. role, great movie called Zebrahead. Oh,

yeah. And he was like, uh, because that. was more of his thing. He's more of like. a He was in Do the Right Thing, too, right? Was he in Do the Right Thing? I. don't know. I don't know if he was in. that True Romance for sure. That was. great. When it comes to college. basketball and March Mania, one thing is. for sure. Nothing's for sure. Upsets, buzzer beaters, Cinderella's advancing, top seeds going home early. It's all. going to happen. Bet the unexpected. every upset every day with DraftKings.

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hours after issuance. For additional. terms and responsible gaming resources, see dkg.co/audio. Do do the right thing with Spikeley's. first big hit. Right. I think he was in. that. May have been. Was he in it, Jamie? I didn't watch a lot of Spikeley. Oh, he. had some bangers in the early days. Moetta Blues made me feel lazy cuz I. remember Denzel Washington would. practice every day, you know, like he. was an artist. He would practice every. day and his girl was trying to [ __ ] and. he was like, "No, no, no. I have to. practice." And I was like, "Wow, I wish.

I was like him." I wish I would have. practiced more than [ __ ] I would think. about that like as a comic. Like even. when I was a professional comic in the. early days, I didn't spend my whole day. writing. I was [ __ ] off and playing. pool and hanging out with my friends. You might be thinking of True Romance. He was in that. No, no, I thought it was. or sorry on Do the Right Thing. His. first movie was in '92. Oh, really? Interesting. You're thinking of Danny. Illo. I don't know who I'm thinking of. Who am I thinking of? Go to Do the Right. Thing cast.

Terturo. Maybe I'm thinking of Turo. That is probably who you're thinking of. Actually, that is who I'm thinking of. It's hard to see in that picture, but. when he was younger, he's younger. He's. He's I mean, um, Michael's a lot. younger, but Zebrahead. Yeah. He was. like his uh like his whole thing. He's. like a hip-hop guy. That's right. So, it's so funny that he plays this like uh. major role as like a white [ __ ] white. supremist. You got to take what you can get. You. know, it's acting, bro. You think Robert. Dairo really was a psycho and taxi.

driver? No. No. Maybe go watch that. movie again. Whoa. You know, it's funny. The building uh I lived in in New York. on 57th Street is the old taxi depot. that they shot taxi driver in. Really? And they keep uh downstairs like where. the gym and stuff is. They have the sign. still. They keep the sign, the original. signs. Oh, wow. For the parking lot. That was a good movie. That was a. [ __ ] great movie. And if Robert Dairo. just never gave a political speech, I.

would think about him that way. You. can't make a movie like that with a. budget anymore. Well, you can't make. every movie with balls, it has to be an. indie flick. 100%. Yeah. Or you have to. be some beyond reproach director that. they just let do whatever they wanted. Like a Tarantino. Like there's no way uh. Once Upon a Time in Hollywood went. through some sort of an executive focus. group. Yeah. There's no [ __ ] way. He's killing women, smashing their head. on a mantle. Spoiler alert. I mean, dogs. are eating dicks. What a brilliant What.

a brilliant ending, though. Oh, that. movie is great. So good. It's so good. I. love that movie. It's I don't know if. I've seen that final scene where they. flip history. Um I've never had an. audience in a movie theater like. communally laugh like that since the. Jackass movies, right? Jackass 2. It was. a cheering moment, too. That was a. [ __ ] great movie. He's got all. bangers. He's the only guy that I could. say as a D. Well, there's a few others. that you probably could put in that. argument that have zero movies where I'm.

like, oh, that have no like everything's. good. Tarantino, there's not one that I. can think of that wasn't David made some. crap. I liked a movie that you have to try to. figure out, but when you can't figure it. out and other people can't figure it. out, you're like, this is just a hunk of. [ __ ] then, right? Like, you can't be so. artistic that nothing makes sense. James. Cameron's done some [ __ ] bangers. Do. you watch like uh I've gone through on. the road and watched like the 25 most. disturbing movies of all time? No, I.

don't like being disturbed that much. Do. you? Yeah, I think so. I mean, I just. kind of see like how far people will go. in a movie. There's some I mean, Serbian. film's the most notorious. Yeah, there's. some [ __ ] psycho movies. Like, who's. that one? That evil clown that kills. everybody and doesn't talk. The. Terrifier. Oh, Terrify. Yeah. Yeah, bro. These movies are [ __ ] up. Yeah, but. there can't be on purpose. Like they're. so over the top violence. Category of. film. I was really into horror movies. when I was young and there was a whole. category of films that were just gore.

films. It was they were called gore. It. was like a gore. It was so guys would. like chop women up with an axe and pull. their guts out and rub them all with. their f like [ __ ] They also had. excessive uh nudity in them. Always. Those were the hor the horror boxes at. the video store that were bigger than. everything else. Like those like I Spit. on Your Grave, movies like that. The box. was way bigger so you really had to walk. up like a piece of [ __ ]. I'm going to watch this rape revenge. movie with my other teenage friends.

Thank you. Nothing like a good slasher. rape revenge movie. Revenge movies are. the [ __ ] best. Why is that? We're so. dumb. We like to just sit there and. watch this guy kick everybody's ass. Yeah, [ __ ] him up. Yeah, it's Robocop. I. love it. It's the fantasy. Did you ever. see Sisu? No. I think it's my f It's. next to John Wick. It's my f It's. probably right up there with John Wick. as my favorite revenge movie of all. time. It's about a guy and the whole. movie has no English in it. It's in. World War II. Is it Finland? I think so.

And this dude is a soldier who uh. retired from the war and became a gold. miner and made a little score and was. trying to get to the town with his score. and he runs with the Nazis. And it's so. fun. It's so fun because you could tell. this guy does not want to do. this, but he's got to kill everybody and. they all get cocky with him. What do you.

think the mindset is? He got gold. Nice. So, it turns out this guy was like. famous in the war for being impossible. to kill. He has scars all over his body. He's like the absolute worst. guy and they found him and he kills. everybody. Spoiler alert and it's. [ __ ] great. It's just fun. What do. you think the mindset is between behind.

like a Liam Niss who I mean there's a. movie comes out almost bimonthly of him. getting revenge for something. Hey, it's. a living. I get Bruce Will started doing. that towards the end. Bruce Wills at the. end started doing that. Did he? Yeah. Just movies that were just like two. words or something. Well, I think he was. suffering from that um illness for quite. a while. You know what it is? It's. called aphasia. Yeah. Yeah. It's. dementia, right? It's not good. Yeah, it's bad. It's real bad. I don't know.

what causes it, whether it's genetic or. what have you, but people, they slip. away. And he might have, you know, towards the end. I. mean, he just goes this guy. He's got a. lot of them. They all look the same. They're all him with a gun. It's all him. with a gun. And here's the thing, that. him with a gun [ __ ] started later in his. life. Yeah. That's what's crazy. He. became like a guy who [ __ ] people up in. his 60s. Yeah. He was Oscar. How old is. he now? How old is he now? He's 72 and. he's [ __ ] people up in movies.

Oscar Schindler. Schindler's List. Bro, when you're 72, it's hard to get out of. bed, you know? You're like, when I saw Schindler's List, it made me. think of uh now I give the prices of. everything and amount of Jews I could. have saved. Like, how much is this TV? There's about 12 Jews. It's um what was that that you just. pulled up, Jamie? You were showing me. They're remaking the naked gun. They are. with Liam Niss, I guess. I don't know. Well, there's a few movies that they've. people have gotten a few AI things. passed through and everyone takes as. real. Like I've seen it. Oh, right. I've.

seen I believe those every day. Yeah. I. saw Keanu Reeves as Dracula and I was. like, really? Right in like Kiano Reeves is. going to be Dracula now. That's crazy. because he was in the Dracula movie back. in the day and he was Dracula's. girlfriend's boyfriend. They always get. me with like a Rob Zombies remaking. Something You Love. They're always listening. Cool. Have you had him on? Yeah, he was a cool. guy to talk to. He was I toured with. him. I've met him a handful of times.

He's good friends with Tom Papa. We've. been introduced in that regard. And. whenever I see him, it's the blank of. like, nope. I went on stage right before. him the entire tour. And he has no. recollection. One time, um, this is a. great story. I was uh we had tickets uh. to go or passes to go see Rob Zombies. I. think it was the Halloween the original. Halloween remake he did. Oh yeah. And uh. comedian Julian McCulla had these.

passes. Four of us. It was going to be. me uh Nate Baratsi and I'm trying to. remember. Dave Smith. Yeah. It was Dave. Smith and Julia McCulla. And I had. auditioned for a TV show the morning of. that. And it was the first audition I. ever did that it went well went really. well and I got it. I got the the part. It was the show I was on for 2 years. called Z-Rock. But they go, this is how. much acting is not my passion or. something like that. They go, "Uh, we. need you to come back in at like 4 for a.

table read we're going to do." And all I. thought was I was like, "Shit, that Rob. Zombie movie starts at like 6:00." I was. like, "How long are we going to be here. for?" They're like, "She's only like an. hour or so if when you get back here.". And it was going it was running late. when we got back there. So I told Nate. Barati to go I'm like, "Hey, go down. there and get in line, you know, to make. sure we get into this thing. I don't. know if they're overselling it or not.". And he goes, "All right." So I get out. of this thing and we're I'm rushing. down. We're walking to this movie.

theater. And I call. Nate. This is so defeating. I go, "Hey, you're down there." He goes, "I don't. know if I'm at the right theater." And I. went, "What do you mean?" He goes, "I. mean, there's a big line for something.". And I was like, "Go get in that line, Nate." And he was like, "Oh, that's it.". So, we get there. We're so far back in. line. There's no way we're getting to. this movie. And I'm like, "Shit, Julian's very handsome." So, we send him. up to kind of smoo the girl up front, no. dice. And then I see Rob Zombie walk.

into the diner next door. And I go, "This might be our chance." I We just. are loosely connected and, you know, maybe I can get him to remember. And we. go in there. It's my best interaction. with him ever. I I go up, I go, "Hey, Rob." I go, "Jay Oerson." I go, "We met. through Tom Papa before and Bob." And. he's like, "Oh, yeah." And he shoots. this [ __ ] with us for like five minutes. And then I go, "Well, anyway, man, I'm. really excited for the movie. I hope we. get in." You know, we're like super far. back in line. He goes, "You'll be fine.".

Just And we did not get in. Wrote a hot. Subway home together staring at Nate. Oh, no. You'll be fine. Yeah. He goes, "Nah, you'll be fine. you'll be fine as. I'm not going to help you. Yeah, it. really wasn't a flight out. He goes, "This has been great, but leave me alone. now." Well, the thing about it though is. like, does he save tickets? Like, does. he have a block of tickets saved? For. sure. For sure. Not for the guy at the diner, though. There's some people you just don't. resonate with in the world, I think,

time. I don't know. Dave Chappelle is. another one. Dave Chappelle I've met. over the last 25 years a dozen times. I. did some punchups on season one of uh. Chappelle's show. He bumped me and Kurt. Mezer off a weekend uh in the thing and. we but we were there and we hung out. with him there and every time I see him. still it's completely unfamiliar. Chris. Rock, same thing. I do not make an. impression with these people. That's so. weird. I also shut down around. celebrity. Oh, maybe that's it. Maybe. So, I I'm not a I I can't inject uh my.

personality out of the gates uh in a. situation where I'm like intimidated by. like some I'm like I'm like where I go. not intimidated but I go man I really. want them to like me. Isn't that weird? Because you know so many famous people. but uh but you know what I mean by want. them to like not like me but I go if I. try to be funny and I whiff right this. sucks. You just feel nervous, right? So. I'm like I could just lay low and not. take the risk of being not funny by. accident.

That's. hilarious. It's hard to There's no one. who intimidates you any I mean the. people you have in here and just strike. a conversation with is unbelievable. No, people don't intimidate me anymore. They. uh inspire me. Some people are. fascinating. They inspire me. Every time. I have like a big guest coming in that I. don't know on uh me and Bobby Kelly on. the radio show and someone's coming in, I get like when they're like, "All. right, we're going to go get them now.". I'm always like, "Wait, all right, wait. Okay, go get them." Cuz I'm like, "Shit, what do we even start with?". I used to be like that on Opanthony.

Yeah. Yeah. When I go on Opian Anthony. and like they'd have famous guests. there, I'd be like, "Holy shit." You. know, that's this guy. Holy [ __ ] that's. that guy. That's weird. The first time I. went there, I got bumped back to the. couch for Ace Freely. Party was like, "This sucks." But wow, that's Ace. [ __ ] Freely. I met Ace Freely when I. was a little kid. Really? Yeah. My uncle. was an artist and he was uh working for. um this uh advertising agency in New. York City where they made album covers. So they made album covers for Kiss. So.

my uncle was one of the artists that. made the album covers for a lot of the. Kiss albums. No [ __ ] Yeah. So I was in. his uh office hanging out with him. during the day. I was probably. eight or something like that. I was. [ __ ] young, man. And maybe I was a. little older than that. I can't. remember. It's hard to remember, but I. was a little kid. It was pre high. school. And um this guy walks in with. like, you know, long hair. He looks. weird. Just like a weird dude. And he. made some like weird noise. Like it was real strange. And then.

everybody goes, "Hey, Ace. Hey, Ace.". And I was like, "What?" Like that's. that's Ace Freely with no makeup on. Like this is crazy. You look old. And he. uh signed a napkin for me. Do you have. it? Yeah. Well, no, I don't think I have. it anymore. Maybe my mom might have it. I'll ask her. I doubt it. It got lost. somewhere. But, uh, it was the craziest. thing. I was like, "Wow, that's the. famous guy with no makeup." Cuz. everywhere they went, they were people. Paparazzi were always trying to catch. them, you know, like Jean Simmons would.

wear like a bandits mask and they were. always trying to catch them without. their makeup on. Has a celebrity ever. let you down like when you met them? Not. really. No, honestly. No. No. There's. not like No. No. I've always worried. about that. like Marilyn Manson was. always somebody I wanted to meet and. then when he went through all this [ __ ]. did not want to meet like stay away but. then I want to like I very much would. like to I think he's such an interesting. character but like I'm like it can I'm. such a fan since I was a kid that I'm. like this can only let me down somehow. I met him he's very interesting. He's an.

artist. Yeah. Yeah. He's a you know if. you think of some of the songs he's made. like beautiful people. You don't make. that unless you're out of your [ __ ]. mind. Like that's part of the that's. part of the package. You want brilliant. [ __ ] wild music, you got to get a. dude who's out of his [ __ ] mind. Do. you have any theories on why people. can't like classic amazing bands can't. make a classic again? Comedians can. still write their best joke and and it. will be accepted. Mhm. Everyone's.

looking for that. What's the new thing? But like if Guns and Roses got everybody. back together again and sat in a room. for 3 months, they can't make Welcome to. the Jungle again. They're not the same. guys. You know, that's part of the. problem. And then also part of the. problem is I went to see Guns and Roses. in Athens. I saw him in Greece. It was. just a total coincidence. I was there. with my family and I ran into Axel Rose. at a restaurant this more recent. Real. recent. Okay. Last summer or Yeah, like. last summer. The summer before last. summer before last, I guess. And uh you.

know, it's one of those weird moments. like God, I hope he knows who I am. You. know what I mean? Like I'm going to go. say hi. I'm going to be a dick. And this. is after my friend tried to say hi to. him and he got shued away. So I went over to his table and he was. like, "Hey man, what's up?" Like I go, "Really nice to meet you. I'm a huge fan. of this thing." He goes, "We're doing a. concert here tomorrow night. You want to. see it?" I'm like, "Fuck yeah." And so. my whole family went to see Guns and. Roses. We're backstage watch. It was. amazing. Three-hour performance. These. guys are in their 60s. They're [ __ ]. rocking hard. I saw them on the new. tour. Three hours. But the thing is,

they have so many hits. If if you want. them to do all the the songs you love, it's going to take a long time. And if. they're going to add new songs, isn't it. crazy, too, that it's essentially four. albums? Crazy. All of that from four. albums. Bangers. Yeah. You know, they. did great. I was I was pretty impressed. with uh from again the age, dude. Welcome to the Jungle to this day. I. I'll hear that song go, god damn, that. was a [ __ ] good song. I took my. parents to see it in Madison Square. Garden and it was such a weird I got so.

stra the things I got emotional about. are ridiculous. I got like teareyed. emotional when it starts Welcome to the. Jungle, you know, they start playing the. riff and uh I got immediately like. teareyed cuz I was like it just took me. back immediately to a time. It was like. a time travel and I was like holy [ __ ]. I'm like 11 12 years old and got this. album and my mom was like what is that. [ __ ] you know? And now my mom's like. here with me watching them as a classic. rock band. What year did Welcome to the. Jungle come out? 87, I want to say. 86.

I remember being right out of high. school at the gym lifting weights. The. first time I heard it, they were, you. know, at the gym everybody would just. play what's on the radio, you know, WCOZ. And you we were listening to the. uh I think it was WBCN, the Rock of. Boston, Appetite for Destruction 87. Yep. So that was two years out of high. school and I was like, "Wow, listen to. this." Do you know the first time I. heard it and like kind of backwards.

tracked it from there? I think it came. out pretty sure it came out first was uh. the movie Deadpool. Oh yeah. Or the. Deadpool uh Clint Eastwood. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And the scene was Jim. prefamous Jim Carrey plays a rockstar. junkie and they're shooting his music. video and the song they're using is. Welcome to the Jungle. Really? Yeah. You. can see it's pretty popular to see. It's. uh if you look that up, Deadpool uh the. Deadpool. Deadpool Jim Carry. When did Mly Crew. come out with Kickstart My Heart? That's.

probably 86. That's That was my favorite. workout song of all time. Look at that. Jim Carrey. That's Jim. Carrey. Isn't it funny? Even though he's. not being funny at all, he's still It's. like his movements are so Jim Carrey. can't play, right? But like again, you. don't get to be Jim Carrey unless you're. out of your [ __ ] mind. No, no, he's. showing that now, too. You don't you. don't get to be that guy. You don't get.

to be Fire Marshall Bill unless you're. out of your [ __ ] mind. I'll make a. lot of concession for someone's process, but when I watch that documentary about. him doing the Andy Kaufman movie and him. coming into the makeup thing every day. and really like screaming and bothering. the [ __ ] of everybody, you see almost. you see Jud Hirs's face in the. documentary like that's plenty. We're. good. I get it. You have to get into. your mode or whatever, but like come on. Apparently, he would go nutty if he. [ __ ] a scene up and like smash things. Yeah, exactly. And it's like this is not.

that was not his personality when he was. talking out of his ass cheeks. You know. what I mean? Or when he was doing. Vanilla Ice on in Living Color, you know. what I mean? Like that's what's that. personality shift where you become a guy. who's kind of like rude to interviewers. and stuff like that. Like it's strange. Well, I think when you're trying to get. into a character, there's like a thing. that the some of these guys do where. they are just that guy the whole time. Like when when. Dan, who was it that played Lincoln? Daniel D. Daniel D. Lewis, right? Yeah.

So, when Daniel D Lewis was playing. Lincoln, he was apparently Lincoln. Yeah. They said all day. All day long, all the time. Yeah. So, if you're. playing, you should let him You. shouldn't let him eat modern foods then. at catering, right? Here's your mutton, Mr. Lincoln. Right. You got to go full. old school [ __ ] in a hole in the ground. Sir, we're having Chile and Sea Bass. You a bowl of gr some deer jerky. Yeah. Like, and no teeth. No toothbrushes. Yeah, we haven't figured out.

toothbrushes yet. When did they figure. out toothbrushes? That's a good. question. Like, when did people start. brushing their nasty [ __ ] teeth? Imagine what breath smelled like in like. the 1500s. My producer brings it up all. the time. Uh cuz he watches a lot of. like period piece shows like that. And. even like the uh like Peiquey Blinders, what what those old shows they always. they always have like attractive people. in these like the Deadwood times, right? like that. And then the girl, you know, she'll like lift her skirt up and you're. like, "God, I bet it smells like a. [ __ ] murky dungeon down there.".

And then when she bathe and then all. they there's no shower, so they have to. just bathe in it and just hope that. whatever's in there washes to the. surface. What did people smell like back. then? That's what I mean. It's like. prostitutes stuff. You go, it's like. what's the best they could do? And by. the way, they probably smelled better. than the people living in the cities. The people in living in the cities were. all just using public outhouses. the the. cities were filled with [ __ ] from. horses. It's like, oh, coming home and. kissing your wife at the end of the day. is just to you're you're tracking [ __ ]. everywhere and so is your dog and so are.

your cats. Everyone's tracking [ __ ] all. over your house, all over your tables. There's [ __ ] everywhere. Yeah. Just. wooden floors with dirt all over them. [ __ ] And just little little scabs of. [ __ ] everywhere. There's just [ __ ]. everywhere you go. And everyone has. smallpox. That's why Yeah. No one kid. And if your. wife, if your your husband died, you. have to marry his brother. That's why. anybody talking about the good old days, shut your stupid mouth. This is the good. old days with basic hygiene. Yeah. Books.

and medicine and [ __ ] What the [ __ ] are. you talking about? Oh, I wish I lived. back in the 1600s when I died if I broke. my ankle. No, but if I could have picked. uh uh again for the so hard because like. moving backwards like well I would take. all the technology of now. Of course. Well, you can't go anywhere then. Then. you can't make it like a hybrid deal. No, no, it's not a hybrid deal. But if I. was saying if I have to just let go of. that and see what the most fun time. would have been to to be like a teenager. in. 20s7s, I think. Well, um, just listen to.

Ambrosia. [ __ ] you could wear a silk. shirt unironically. We were all real. confused. If you were chubby, no one. even cared. Chubby guys got buzzy in the. 70s if you had a beard. Did they? As. long as you had a beard and some long. hair and you knew how to get cocaine. Yeah. And if you knew how to get. cocaine. I grow a long pinky nail so. people wouldn't know my house was the. party spot. Yeah, that used to be a thing. You see a. guy with a long pinky. That long pinky. nail was like, "Oh, that guy parties.". That was like when you There was a bad. guy in the movie. He had a long pink. A. long pinky nail. Yeah. Which is so. gross. That's so disgusting. I mean,

think what what that's how bad people. want cocaine. They'll snort it off some. stinky [ __ ] fingernail. Oh, yeah. I went to a I did a gig. opening for Bobby Sllayton. uh years ago at the West Palm improv, the old West Palm improv. And uh that. was a great room. The guy Yeah, the wide. shallow one. Great room. And uh I forget. the name is Joey something was the guy. who hosted, but he was like local local. legend this guy. And uh he brought us.

back to his head. He was like he took us. to the strip club and it was like. everyone knew him kind of thing. Yeah. and then brought girls back to his. house. And I am always impressed with. the level of. like a person who carries their morbid. obesity with like a not give a [ __ ] and. also have no give a like no care that. the girls are going to suck his dick or. [ __ ] him because he's got coke. You know. what I mean? Like I'm bad at the like. [ __ ] me for something and like but this.

guy we went back to his house. I mean. his underwear and like a robe open. You. know what I mean? With all these girls. around just giving him Coke and [ __ ] It. was wild. But he had a cabana in the. back of his house. But the most. interesting thing about him that I found. out was the next day he wanted to take. me somewhere to eat. So he picked me up. and he was a narcoleptic. And every time. there was a red light, he'd fall asleep. and snore. Not just fall asleep, snore. And he's. driving. Yeah. And you have to. acknowledge it. You got to go like, "Hey.

man, oh my god. Hey, you okay?" And you. just never acknowledge it. You go, "Yeah, yeah, I'm good." And he was going. as soon as he hit a red. light like loud aggressive snoring. Now. is an actual narcoleptic or does he have. severe sleep apnnea? Cuz if he's a big. fat guy, he's probably never rested. Eyes closed, head goes in the shoulder. Cold instantly. Instantly. What is narcolepsy from? Like do like. healthy people have nar narcolepsy? Like. is there any athletes that have. narcolepsy? He said Ron Jeremy was the. person who had it. And he's another guy.

is big and fat. One time he was at the. he came to the cellar one time with that. Dennis Hoff guy. Mhm. Which uh Yeah. That was a guy of the people like quote. unquote celebrities who would come in. that I could never pay like homage to. and have like the thing was that I. didn't want to meet was like a Dennis. Hoff. The the bunny house. Yeah. I don't. know why it was so celebrated. I know. it's like it's legal, but like still. don't see his personality is kind of. skevy as [ __ ] Well, there was a weird. time where for whatever reason they were.

kind of celebrating pimps and. prostitutes. Like, do you remember Pimps. Up, Hose Down? Sure. Yeah. I mean, that. was like a famous documentary. Mr. White. Folks. Yeah. He was the best. Yeah. I. watched all those. Um, but they were. like celebrated like people liked And. then there was American Pimp. Remember. that film? Yeah. Yeah. No, it was well. that was like the the small window of. like pro-sexuality and go be [ __ ]. girls and then it immediately became me.

too. That's what that happened. Weird. though because it was the exploiters of. those women. It wasn't like it's okay to. be a prostitute. It was it's cool to be. the man who exploits all these women and. gets them to go be prostitutes for him. I think it took 20ome years for people. to realize that Joe Francis was a. terrible guy. You know what I mean? He. was celebrated as as hell. I just heard. a Howard Stern clip the other day where. we had Joe Francis on. I'm sure if you. ask him about Joe Francis now, he'd be. like, "What a terrible piece of shit.". Yeah. But when Girls Gone Wild was a. thing, everyone was just like, "Who. cares how it gets done?" Yeah. That's.

crazy, right? Like Girls Gone. That's. how the when the internet wasn't around, you could buy tapes of drunk girls at. the bar flashing their boobs. You pay. for it. Yep. You'd pay for it. Yeah. And. it had like a production value. Oh, no. Would you pay you'd pay for it and then. you were part of a subscription service. that is that what it was? Yeah. And then. every month it would be like girls going. wild. Girls on campus too and girls. covered in bubbles. Was it one of those. things where they trick you into. subscribing? Yeah. Oh, it's Columbia.

House. Like Oh, Columbia House for. titties. Yeah. Yeah. Crazy. Oh, I've. ruined Columbia House and me have ruined. the uh credit of my all my pets in my. life. Did they get in your credit? Columbia House got in your credit? No. No. saying you just put you send the. penny and you put your you put your. cat's name down and then they just send. you 10 CDs, but it doesn't never really. What was the checks and balances on. that? None. I always thought that that. was a fluff up scheme for the record. business where they could say they sold. more records than they did. That's. possible. That's actually not a bad.

move. Kind of a good move. If you want. to get a gold record or a platinum. record, sell as many as you can. Give me. 10. When it went up to a dollar, send a. dollar is where it stopped. That's where. it max. But a dollar I'm willing to give. you a penny. Yeah. To me, a dollar. really was like, "No, I just usually. tape a penny to a postcard." What a. concept, too. Take penny here. It said. it was the dumbest concept ever. You. give them one penny and if you get give. them one penny, they give you a bunch of. CDs and you're supposed to give them. money. You're like, "What?" You get to. pick them. Oh, yeah. You pick your first.

tip. AC/DC. It was my taking it was my. before I had uh uh porn magazines. readily available to go into a bathroom. or anywhere where there was a bathroom. where I felt I could quietly look at. porn magazines. It was the TV guide. Take the TV guide in the bathroom, do. the crossword puzzle and then pick my 10. CDs for a penny cuz it was always an. insert on the TV guide. That's right. It. was the postcard. Yep. Tape penny here. and you send it in and all a sudden you. get cassette tapes are in the mail. Oh. boy. Yeah. Oh boy. It was so great. But.

isn't it a smart move on their part. because it'd probably introduce people. to a lot of music because if you think. about it, you're only listening to the. radio. The radio is only playing what. they play and they can only play so many. songs, right? And if there's a hit, they're going to play that hit over and. over again. You're going to hear this. and there's Rolling Stones, there's. those Led Zeppelin, you know, you don't. a lot of time for other music. No. So, this is a good way even if you're giving. it away to people, which mostly are like. what percentage, let's find this out. What percentage of people actually paid.

for their Colombia recorded tapes? I. think adults would definitely end up. paying for it because I think the deal. was you're giving them your address. So. whatever the fake name you put down, they're billing. I don't remember them. chasing me at all. I didn't feel it, but. they have. But what they would do though. is send you more. They would send you. like I'd get like a CD every month that. I wasn't picking. 90 it reached its peak. in 94. It accounted for 15.1% of all CD. sales. Yeah. At 10 million members. you became a member of a club. That was. kind of what was happening, right? Um.

what percentage of people paid them? Well, that I mean, it doesn't say it on. here, but if you think about just that, that's almost like more radio, right? You're putting the song on the radio for. free. You're sending out these. cassettes. Even if people don't pay, that music's getting out there. They're. going to maybe buy another Rolling. Stones record or tickets to see the. Rolling Stones. Well, people didn't. complain about uh being part of Columbia. House. I don't feel like, but it's like. remember when you know as like Metallica. getting furious about like Lime Wire and.

Napster and those things, but it's like. it is sort of the same thing like you're. sacrif but they came from a time though. where the money was from the recording. But there wasn't taking away for the. money of the recording because you. couldn't, you know, like it wasn't that. many people doing it. when it became. something that you could just download. onto your computer, that got weird. Sure. And then record sales dropped off. a cliff. So, they were right in the but. they were wrong that you can stop it. Like you can't you couldn't stop it, right? Once like they were trying to.

like put fingers into a broken dam. There's no way like you got to get the. buck out of the way. Like you can't once. it's on the internet. When things are on. the internet, you can't say it's. stealing to download it to your fans. You can't do any. You just got to. realize, oh, the world just changed. the. people stay that stand off for a while. too. Like was it Maynard did not want to. go on uh Apple Music or Spotify or. anything forever. I think Gar Brooks. didn't either, right? Uh Kid Rock didn't. for a long time and then a lot of them. would try to go and like I'm going to do.

my own Apple Music. No one gives She did. that, right? Yeah. Title. Did that work? I don't, you know, it's interesting when. I talked to uh Kevin Hart in Montreal. some years back and he was buying up uh. he was buying up things for uh the LOL. network that he was starting which was. like I guess an internet network and. they made all this news because when he. did the pitch show where they were. pitching uh ideas for his network, he.

apparently in the room bought like four. or five of them. And when I saw him that. night, I was like, "Are these five like. five shows you saw today? They're like. definite shows." And he was like, "No, but it gets your press, you know, I. mean, he was telling me kind of like the. whole thing of it." He goes, "But the. idea he was saying he was doing with. that." I'm like, "Are you going to run a. network now?" And he was like, "No, you. want to build it until it becomes. competitive and then another company. comes along and goes, can we give you. money just to go away is the idea, you. know?" So it's like the idea is like he. wants like Netflix to buy Oh, how weird. LOL or something like that. So it's just.

a good business move, but I don't do. you. Oh, absolutely. But I think Do you. think like that? No, I have no business. acumen whatsoever. Yeah, that's a weird. business acumen to have. But I'm also. but probably effective. I'm. uh you know blown away by you know I I. watch you when you talk to Bert. sometimes about that about his like. employment of so many people. Yeah. And. everything like uh which is great. He's. got a great thing over there. But like. production company I feel like the uh. when you get a lot of money sometimes.

which is impressive that you haven't. done this. It's like you want to do. almost like too much like well now I'm a. producer of things and now it's like. this or other businesses that you want. to like start that are like outside of. comedy like is that what your thing was. always like it was never mine like to be. like a business owner or anything or. some kind of like uh you know where I. was have products or something. I think. what happens is once guys realize the. amount of money that they can make they. want to just make more sure and it just. becomes a numbers thing. you just you. see it and you're like, "Oh my god, I. can't believe I'm making this much. money, but if I did this, then I make.

even more." But I'd rather give a friend. uh like some capital to like do their. special then over, you know, I mean, unless I was taking a job in it, like. I'm going to direct this and see if I. can do that, you know? But just like the. idea of uh like I'm taking in like I. have to take a meeting for a sketch show. that wants to be on my network today. I'm like I don't have you only have so. much bandwidth. Sure. Sure. And this is. what I think people fail to think about. Like you you you require time to do.

everything. Your your time is limited. Like you really have to think if you oh. I could fit it in. Oh, I could do this. Oh, I could do that. Sure you can. But. then there's no you time at all. And. then you're running on fumes. And when. there's no you time and you're running. on fumes, you're not the best version of. yourself. No. So you got to know like. where you're at. You got to know where. you're at like in terms of like your. your sanity. Like if you're working all. the time, five different jobs. constantly, and you're never home, you. sleep till [ __ ] uh seven in the.

morning and then you're up gone all day. and [ __ ] going going going. going. You don't have alone time. If you. don't have alone time, you don't even. know how you feel about things. But you. also get used to odd things. Like my. alone time I look at is like the hotel, like the hotel room, just watching the. [ __ ] that I want to watch on YouTube. and doing it like that. It is strange. when I think I want to be like off and. like uh stationary for a while like I. feel like the day there's like a day. here and there where it's like morning. till night I just have nothing I have to.

do. It's rare but when it happens that. day I tend to not be in a great mood. I. don't know why. Well, it's because what. you do you love and it's fun. That's the. thing. Like if you're doing something. all day long and it's just like business. stuff and it's just for money and it's. not something you love. That's a. different vibe, right? That's like a a. hustle vibe. I'm going to get these get. these numbers up and get this going and. I'm a [ __ ] I'm a worker and I'm a. grinder. I'm going to show you because. look, I got this now and then I got that. now. See, I'm grinding. But as if it's a. virtue. I always try to say this is a.

very important thing that people need to. hear. Just because it's hard to do. doesn't mean it's good to do. There's a. lot of things that are hard to do that. you don't necessarily want to do. I. don't want to climb Mount Everest. It's. hard to do, but doesn't mean it's good. to do. It might be good to do for you. because you need to prove to yourself. that you can do this extremely difficult. thing, but people are dead. There's a. bunch of dead bodies up there. That's. not a good thing to do. Yeah. To me, in. my opinion, there's a lot of stuff like. that in life. And just because you can.

do things, I'll show everybody that I. work harder than everybody else. Like. maybe you shouldn't. Sure. Like you need. balance. You need balance in this life. And that's hard to get once you start. when you start making money. The big. fear is what if it all goes away%. You. start you start clutching. You start you. start having famine instincts. You're. like, "Yeah, well, oh my god, what if it. all goes away?" So then you start doing. things that you think will ensure that. it doesn't go away. Well, it's that. feeling of you feel like you're running. a scam. Yes. Cuz also it's something.

especially with standup, putting a price. on things is so strange when you're. like, well, I've done it for more than. anything I've done it for free. Yeah. Then uh second most I've done it for. pennies. Do you know what I mean? So. it's like the same it's interesting to. be like well I've done the same job for. $50 that I've done for $100,000. You. know what I mean? Like it's strange like. uh it's a strange place to be. And so uh. but it's because and you do feel like. well what's what's it going to take. until I'm back to like you know hey you.

want to come do a $100? I still get. affected and it's just Young Comics. 6. p.m. on comics. I don't mind it, but. like as long as I've been doing it, I. know they just want you to come do their. show, but they're like, "Hey man, I do a. Tuesdays at the, you know, at the stand. at 6 p.m. like uh love can throw you a. hundred bucks and stuff like that.". You're like, "Why do you think I'm going. to come?" And why are you naming the. money? Like, if you just asked me to do. the show, I'd be less hurt if you were. like, "I got a hundred bucks for you, too." Like, great. Like, that feels. weird. They're kids, right? Yeah. Right.

And when you're a kid, a h 100red bucks. is real. So it's real to him. Oh [ __ ]. Things I've done for 100 bucks. Yeah. So. it's like real money. It's like, oh, a. $100 gig in town. Great. Yeah. And so he. doesn't know any better yet. No. No. For. sure. And like I said, I'm not insulted. They they want you on the show. That's. great. It's just the idea. You're like. the $100 isn't going to sell me, dude. Like don't say that. Well, I think he's. just letting you know he'll give you. something instead, oh great, I'll go. down there. I No, I never I never write.

back. Like I mean that would be I'm not. like that with Young Comics though at. all. I'm so bad at like uh it's my the. tough time I have with Kill Tony. I love. doing it and I always have a great time. but like the initial like just going at. somebody like I feel like I want to. especially if I want to come out of the. gates and make fun of them. I almost. have to have the look over of like I'm. just [ __ ] around. It's like I know. it's so difficult what you're doing. right now. A minute of comedy under the. stress of how big that show is now. And. for some of them it's the first time. they've ever got on stage. There were some guys the first time they.

ever went on stage, they went on stage. in Madison Square Garden. Yeah, that's. [ __ ] crazy. 16,000 people and they followed dice. Like what what are you talking about? Look at your phone for notes. Hang on. Madison Square Garden. You barely can. get to the one minute mark. What you. practice in the mirror is just. everything's falling apart. Oh yeah, the. the running out of time. That was the. funniest. Woo. Like, well, this is 3. minutes of material or 30 seconds if it. doesn't go the way I think. Cricket,

cricket, Jesus, panic. Isn't it the. biggest uh to me I felt like the biggest. milestone in comedy, the action of it, I. mean, was uh not being afraid of quiet, like the crowd being dead silent. Even. if I said something that I thought was. funny and they're still dead silent, that not being like frazzling, you know, where you're get shaken by that. That's. confidence from a lot of big sets. a lot. of sets where you killed so you're like. I know I'm good these that's what it is. it has to believe thing it's like uh I. haven't it's also like uh I haven't.

conveyed it right then yeah like it's me. probably but like they're not just. getting what I'm thinking if they if. they just saw my thoughts right now. they'd get how funny this is well here's. the thing too that you know you're going. to run into a jazz crowd every now and. then you know sure like when you go to. see music you go to see a band you go to. see rock and roll you go to whatever. club you're going You go you go to go to. the whiskey, it's a rock band. You we. know we're going to go see this blues. guy. We know we're going to go see a. country guy. You go see comedy. You.

could. get Taylor Swift. You could get AC/DC. You get anything. You can get all kinds. of [ __ ] You can get the Pixies. You can. get all kinds of [ __ ] when you go see. comedy. It's there's so many different. styles to call it one thing. It's kind. of weird. And you could you could be a. rock and roll guy and you're on stage in. front of a jazz crowd. Oh yeah. And they. don't want your [ __ ] They don't. like how loud you're being. Why are you. moving so much? No, we're here to. snicker. You know, I I stopped putting. in at one point for the the small room. at the stand when I was in town for the.

weekends because and this is no fault of. uh theirs. cuz I know they're just. booking me cuz I'm home and they want me. on the shows that I can do. But they. would put those shows they would book. the. um like the the Tik Tok like celebrity. girls like girl comics that were like. brand new in comedy but drew the. audience and they would and they're also. young enough in comedy that they're. posting their spots. Oh my god. You know. what I mean? Like if you want to see my. schedule is like here. So the room's. filling up for them. And I'd go up, I.

mean, the second I get on stage, you'd. see the face and groans of like just. like, uh, a man's going to come what, lay it out now. And I would even try to. play with that idea. Do you know what I. mean? Like explain what's going on in. the room. And they would just they And. then my last one ever doing up there, there was an an Asian girl in the front. row that I was uh [ __ ] with, like. going back and forth with her. But but. she was great. She was like into it. She. was laughing and she was busting balls.

back a little bit which was fine you. know showed me she was kind of like. playing around with it and then uh I see. another girl like you know 22 years old. or whatever 23 going into her phone and. I was like oh I lost you already. I go I. lost you and she goes uh maybe it has. something to do with the Asian girl. thing and I was like what? He goes you. called her Asian girl. I was like wait. but she's fine. And I go, "Are you. you're getting upset on her behalf and. she's fine?" And she was like, "Yeah.".

And I was like, "That's retarded." And. then a lady in the back of the room. stood up, lady, a girl, and literally. clutched her jacket together and went, "You just said the R word." And I went, the manager was in the room and I was. like, "You take me off the schedule for. the rest of this weekend up here." I go, I'm not even mad at this crowd. I'm. like, they you have to give this crowd. what they want. If you put on a three-w. weekek open mic gay comic up here right. now, he'd. murder. Like, read the room of what. you're booking. You know what I mean? It's like you have to see what's. happening. It's like you're putting me.

up there. This isn't fun for me and it's. not fair to them. Like you've they've. been sold a show that's not what I do, right? So, I don't have any kind of like. gripe on them. Just like don't put me on. those shows. Yeah. You shouldn't be on. that show. Let people enjoy. You're. you're [ __ ] up your your audience is. actually going to like the club less. because they think I'm the piece of [ __ ]. that's always here. But then there's. another argument where you got to kind. of do all kinds of crowds because if you. only do your own crowd, like one of the. things that happens to guys is they. start doing theaters and they do real.

well and then they bring a lame opening. act and then they're only playing to. their crowd. Oh yeah. And you see the. drop off. You see this like weird. creativity drop off. You see the weird. impact. They're not killing as hard. Everything's a little fake and forced. and it's it's pretty noticeable and. normal. It's like normal. It happens a. lot if you're not doing clubs. Well, I. was going to say if you're in theaters, you're you're removed from the audience. You got to mix it up. You have to be. doing little little room sometimes. I. think it's like if you're an athlete, you have to lift weights. You know what. I mean? I think there's there's. something to that. Oh, yeah. I like to.

go uh do crowds that aren't my crowds. plenty. You know what I mean? I mean, uh. but I mean just different sizes, too, right? Like Oh, yeah. Without a doubt. Yeah. Sometimes like one of the great. things about the store was like you. could come in there on an off night like. a Tuesday night and do like a 1:00 a.m. set and when you're doing a 1 a.m. set. there's like 25 [ __ ] people in the. room and you you just like you get to. and they've seen everything. They've. seen five hours of [ __ ] standup. They. came from Kansas. They've seen five.

hours of comedy and most of the audience. is gone. It's a shame from a comics. perspective. I mean, from a business. perspective, it's great. But like the. comedy seller, like it's funny for. people to not even know anymore or. remember. There was a time when I got. into the comedy seller, there was still. when you went on at 2:00 in the morning, there could be 15 people in the. audience. Now it's show lets people out, another show, another show. So, it's. like it's uh it's always sold out and. packed, but like uh there was something. to that was kind of like that was the. training ground. I go up after David. Tell almost every night of the week in.

front of 15 people was like that was. great training. You do need that for. sure. And you and I still need that. It's it's not so much that just saying. to I said take me out of that room. because it's always this audience and. it's just like you're putting them. through a thing they don't need to be. put through. I mean I'll go downstairs. isn't my audience either. I'm just like. just put me in the room where it's not. been sold as this one thing. Right. Well, that's that's the problem with. like some clubs that have restrictions. on what you could say on the stage. Like.

why? No, no, no. You just can't book. this guy, right? Like there's a club. Where is it? And is it in Portland or. Seattle? There's some club that these. guys got to Duncan got to and he sent me. a photo of a a list of all the things. that you can't talk about. We don't. tolerate at this club. We don't tolerate. racism, sexism, transphobia. Like, okay. I wonder if it's the one that uh like I. don't know what it is. We don't probably. don't even say need to say the name. Oh, I don't know the name of people in. trouble. I don't know the name of the. place, but there was a But just don't. book people that you know what the [ __ ].

they do and don't book anybody that's. not you. If you have a specific crowd. you're trying to cater to, that's your. prerogative. No problem with that. Just. book the comedians that fit. Don't don't. like have a list of [ __ ] someone can't. say once they get there. Like that's. crazy. assume that if you're booking. somebody though that you'd have to put. those rules forward. It's like you have. to like I always like that thing. It's. like trust the comic to be like a. professional. Not that they'll always. come through in that regard, but like.

you know you could put you can put me on. stage anywhere and assume it's not going. to end with me being a [ __ ] you [ __ ] you. with the audience. You know what I mean? Like we'll get out of it, right? You'll. have relatively pleasant. Well, you're a. guy that's very flexible on stage, which. is just a huge benefit. You can always. [ __ ] around with people and and engage. with the crowd. like you're so good at. it. You're one of the best in the. business at it for sure. You're really. good at it. But it's also fun and. jovial. You know how to tie it all. together. That's a giant skill if you're. doing a bunch of different kinds of.

rooms and different kinds of places. But. when when a club owner or someone says. that you can't breach certain topics. because that's what you're saying. If. you're saying we don't tolerate racism, listen, I don't either, but that's not. what jokes are. And there's a way to. touch on race that a super ultra. sensitive person would say is racism. And another person who's more objective. would say, "No, this is just making fun. of the differences we all have and how. crazy it is that we would think that any.

one is superior to the others." There's. ways to do that. And to say that, you. know, that's racism. We don't tolerate. racism. Like, well, what did you what do. you call it? So you can't just define. what the you can't define hate speech. because that's your definition. You. force me to go with your definition. Yeah. It can't be opinion based. It. can't. So you just got to let people. speak freely and then you decide who you. book or don't book, but know what the. [ __ ] they do. That's part of your job. Part of your job as someone who books a.

[ __ ] theater is okay, if you have a. theater, you own the theater. You don't. want anybody come performing that. doesn't meet your expectations. That's. great. One of the funniest things is I'm. always blown away by is the people in. the audience. who are hating the show, which is fine. That happens. You know, some people come. and they didn't know what they were. coming into. Sure. Girlfriends get. dragged, podcast fans, which I also tend. to like take their side if I see that. happening. I try to do that. I'm like, why did he make you come? You know, why.

did he put you through this kind of. thing is uh is how I will usually. approach that. But when you see those. faces, when they if someone like that. gets shitty and stuff, it's I'm always. surprised how aggressive they are when. they realize like they're the the. minority, right? You know what I mean? It's like I don't know cuz you're you. suck and you're not funny. It's such a. funny thing to shift. How much you can. make that person an enemy of the room by. just going she's saying all of you are. stupid as [ __ ] because you're laughing. at it then they'll hate her for you.

Well, there's always going to be a you. suck and you're not funny person in the. world. Yeah. Well, that's a skill you. have to get. That poor girl that poor. girl in uh that had the video of her. skitsing out on the guy in the audience. Oh yeah. Um that was that was unfort. people piled on on her which was. actually [ __ ] up. Wow. She like death. threat like why would you death threaten. someone who had a bad time on stage? It. seems weird. and she But again, that's. the that's the situation of um getting. an audience uh before you're ready to.

handle all situations cuz the the thing. about that was the heckle in that video. is. uh I mean heckling 101 like the thing. you should be able to handle is someone. going you're not funny, I'm funny. You. want me to tell the joke? Like give me. the microphone. This is all like the I. said these are the lobs they throw you. at pitching pra, you know, the batting. practice to [ __ ] do crowd work. It's. day one of karate class. Yeah. It's like. they're saying you suck and you're not. funny. Like come on. You know, right. away you could see him. He's right in. the front. Yeah. Like you could pick him.

apart visually or ask him a few. questions, make him look dumb. There's. just ways to like But she wasn't. composed because she was leaning into. that with like, well, I got this whole. crowd behind me, but it just looks like. a. lunat herself. Yes. That's the only. reason I thought it was fair to talk. about it at all. Yeah. Well, you know, if it was somebody filming her and being. like, "Look at this dumb bitch." Or. something, I I would be I don't know if. I would have went at it because I'd be. like I would if I talked about it, I. would be like, "It's [ __ ] up that.

somebody did that." Like, you're posting. her [ __ ] Although that said, I mean, I've watched Pablo Francisco fall off. stage 7,000 times. What's that? What's that, sir? What's. that, sir? Yeah, I've seen that, too. Poor Pablo. Funny dude, though. Funny. [ __ ] Um, yeah, man. The thing. about that girl is. like she ran into all of the [ __ ] you, you're not funny people in the world, right? See, if you have a crowd of 200. people and you got one [ __ ] you, you're.

not funny girl, that's one thing. But if. you scale that out to the entire. internet, that is so many [ __ ] you, you're not funny people. And those are. the ones that are going to comment. You. know, there's plenty of people that saw. that video like you and me who are like, "Oh god, but you didn't comment." No. So, who's commenting? The [ __ ] you, you're not funny people. So, when. there's 30 million people seeing a. video, you're going to get 13,000 plus. [ __ ] you, you're not funny people who. post constantly. So, they're just going.

to post 10, 15 times. They're going to. be arguing with people in the comments. telling you how you should kill. yourself. Yeah. Yeah. You got to hide. You can't. And most people don't. Most. people go online and they read all the. things like, "Oh my god, what are they. saying about me?" You got to just get. offline. Well, then there was another uh. I think an Asian girl doing an open mic. who they had a video of her like. throwing [ __ ] around and smashing stuff. and well, she's fighting the patriarchy. Let her let her lash out. But just I. almost wonder remember that was the fear. they were like people try to create. viral moments. So heckling will become.

like people go to comedy clubs like I'm. going to heckle and make a moment. Yes. It's also a thing about like comics that. are trying to find a uh like a lose. their [ __ ] moment on stage also. Oh wow. Do you know what I mean? Uh so yeah, we're like looking at not even for a. thing. Not trying to not keep it funny, but like let me let me go viral. Go at. somebody like really hard. You know what. I mean? Yeah. Well, also some people are. just socially [ __ ] and they think. they're really good at it and they're. just not. They're not really good at. communicating. They think they are and. then they're screaming at the [ __ ]. [ __ ].

fake anger is hilarious. Fake anger is. the best. Especially when it's a joke. that's been told for like 10 years and. you're like, you can't be pissed about. this. You know what the craziest viral. moment was ever in comedy? Heather McDonald making jokes about. vaccines and then blacking out. Blacking. out and banging her head. I only say. this because she's okay, but I think she. cracked her skull. I think she fractured. her skull. I mean, her head [ __ ]. bounces off that hard stage and it. looked to the audience like this was. like a pratt fall. This is a part of the.

bit. The timing was so good that it. looked like a bit. Yeah. They were. laughing and then they were like, "Oh, oh my god, she really did just black. out." Yeah. Yeah, they almost laugh for. a second like, "Okay, Heather, that's. plenty. That's good." Historians will. study that video. They will not believe. It might be proof of the simulation. That video might be proof of the. simulation because there's It just. doesn't make sense. It's like unless God. has some amazing sense of humor, some. amazing sense of humor. That's a good uh.

my favorite my favorite uh stage moment. on is still that classic. This is before. YouTube and stuff. The the look at these. biceps guy at the Boston Comedy Club. Did you ever see that? That one. No. What happened? It's one of It's It's an. open mic. He's definitely You find out. through the video he's getting heckled. by a a girl who also went on stage, but. she did well. You know, she has her. friends there clearly. Mhm. And uh so. she did well. And this guy's just like. his comedy is all written. He came out.

of the gates, you know, when you kind of. fake Alpha on stage right away. Oh no. So he's just he's got these jokes. It's. like one's like a racist joke uh he. tells at one point and it's just his. whole personality is just he gives off a. bad vibe for sure. So he sucks and this. girl in the audience sucks. And when he. can't take anymore of her heckling he. just goes just some you can't even get a. girl. He goes you think I can't get a. girl? Look at these biceps. And it's so. it's a such a break and he means it. He. mean if you look up look at these biceps.

you'll find it pretty easily. It's so. old. But this is the old Boston Comedy. Club in the village. Oh, that's funny. That place was great. That place was. Yeah, this guy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, he. looks crazy. I met a girl. Look at my. [ __ ] mindset. You think I can't meet. a girl? Oh my god. Anyway, uh before I snap, you. start throwing stools all over the. place. Thanks. What year is that from? It looks like the '9s. I found it just.

over 10 years old. So, it's it's uh it's. it's late '9s, early 2000. Android. phone. Actually, no, actually, no, it. wasn't. It was the 2000s cuz it was. called Comedy Village at that point. Still they changed the name. So, it was. the early 2000s. So, that's the old. Boston Comedy Club. Mhm. Wow. Dude, you. see the mantle? I was working in that. place back when Neil Brennan was a door. guy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I became friends. with Neil when he was a door guy. It's. hilarious. Kevin was already. rolling. Kevin Brennan. I don't know. I.

don't Kevin Brennan was Yeah, he was. around then. I think he was already. doing standup. Well, Kevin was the first. one. Yeah. To do standup. Oh, for sure. Yeah, he was definitely way before Neil. and then Neil. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That. place was a great club. That's where. first started. Great little club. That. was the Barry Cats. Uh all the clients. worked there. Were you a Barry Cats. client ever? No. Never. Steered clear. I've been No, I just been with the same. manager since I was an open micer. No. [ __ ] Yeah. Wow. Back in Boston. Well, he found me in Boston. He was a New York. guy. That's why I moved to New York. No.

[ __ ] Yeah. I wasn't even supposed to go. on stage that night. Oh, so lucky. because I would have panicked and I. would have choked. Uh I didn't know he. was in the room. I had no idea. So he. had come he was he used to manage Bob. Nelson. Remember Bob Nelson? Yeah. Hell. yeah. So Bob Nelson uh Philly guy I. believe he became very Christian and he. was going to have his his Bible partner. his his guy become his manager. He had. this guy that they were brothers in. Christ. Oh jeez. And so Susman was. looking for new clients and he thought. he saw everybody that that he could see.

in New York at the time. And so he had a. good friend uh that was taking a trip to. Boston and so he went with him and he. said, "I'm going to, you know, set up. some uh shows at some of these comedy. clubs." So they had all the lo local. Boston headliners like bigname guys from. the town would all perform for him. And. um I was working driving limos at the. time. And uh I I while I was driving, I. would come up with some of my best ideas. sometimes because you know you didn't. listen to the radio. I would just drive. cuz you you couldn't listen to the radio.

while you had clients. Yeah. And so some. of my best ideas came from just driving. around. I had this [ __ ] idea. I'm. like, "Oh my god, I think this would. work." And so I called up my friend who. was the uh manager and I said, "Hey. dude, do you think I could get a guest. spot tonight?" And he's like, "Yeah, absolutely." So he hooks me up. I have. no idea. I go downstairs. This guy who. becomes my manager is walking out of the. room to go to another club which was. down the street and he hears me killing. and so he comes back downstairs and he.

watches my whole set and I would have. never done what I did at this point. Three years. That's fast. Yeah. Three. years. So, um, but I was pretty I had. some good sex jokes. I had some great. jokes that would kill and I would have. never done them if he was in the room. Oh, because everybody had to be clean. back then. That was like you got to be. clean. You gotta be clean. And I was. like, you had good success in like. acting stuff. Was that your when you got. into it was I I know when I got into.

what I thought was interesting was I. started to do standup comedy. It took me. a long time to realize and I love. broadcasting. I think it scratches the. same itch for me. Uh broadcasting is. whatever. But I didn't never got into it. to act or all these different other. things. So, but as soon as you get into. it, especially when you have a manager, you just see the industry unfold. you. see everyone's like, "You don't have a. commercial agent. You got to go out and. audition for commercial." And all these. things that I was like supplementary. that I was like, "Yeah, instead of doing. that, I'm just going to keep doing the. black circuit because I make some money. there." Like I was getting a couple. bucks, you know, enough to survive uh on.

shows and that and then I'll just go. hang out the mainstream rooms, you know, at night and meet all the comics and get. on when I can get on. But like it was. never a I never like I would not go so. many times to aud Yeah, I did a couple I. don't want it. I don't want it. And I. ended up sit on on a show for two years. and it was a great experience in. hindsight, but like what show did you go. on? It's called Z-Rock. It was a IFC. show. What was great about it for me was. because uh it was the curb enthusiasm. style writing. So we got to say whatever.

we wanted really and it was cursing and. there was no problems with that. So it. was a very fun show to do in that. regard, but it's again just wasn't my. wasn't your thing. In fact, when I uh. when I was doing it, I would still go. like three of the nights a week. We do. five shows. Every other night, I would. still go do my a spot at the seller and. she was giving me 2 am spots. And I'd. have to be on set at 7 a.m., you know, 6:00 a.m. sometimes. And when they would. get like, you know, I would take naps in. between like scenes or whatever, and.

they would be like, "Why are you going. and doing like stand up so late?" I'm. like, "Oh, because this show will not be. forever." And there is 50 people waiting. to jump in my spot there. You know, I. mean, I'm I'm established there right. now. So, it's like I when this goes. away, that's the thing that's still. going to be there. And so, I I. definitely made sure. And so, as I said, but also I didn't want to really be an. actor. Well, in the '9s, it was just a. money thing, you know, it was uh. everybody there was two things that. everybody wanted as if you were a comic. You you No, you wanted to be the head of.

a sitcom or you wanted to host the. Tonight Show. Those are the two things. that everybody wanted. Which is why Jay. Leno, people to this day don't. understand like why did Jay Leno want. the Tonight Show so bad that he was like. hiding in the closet and you know that. whole story where they were negotiating. and you know he just they scratched and. clawed and everybody was mad at him. because he took it from Conan. Remember. that went because he went back cuz. Conan's ratings weren't as good. That. all that craziness was that was the. golden carrot at the end of the stick. Everybody want like so in our minds. everybody wanted to host the Tonight.

Show or you wanted to be Jerry Seinfeld. Yeah. So that was what you got like and. so these people came there and that's. all the industry talked about cuz that's. where all the money was. That's what. your agent wanted you to do. That's. where all the money was and everybody. was just pushing you in that direction. Well, yeah, that's what it is. It was. like it was but it was a push in that. direction cuz it was like you're but. it's an antiquated idea that comes from. the time of like uh everyone in. entertainment was like a triple threat. I watched something a while ago that was. like a Jamie Fox how but you're right.

But even to go back to like the Sinatras. and they said Barney Miller, how Lindon, there's videos of him like singing on he. went on on like talk shows and as a. singer. Wow. But because everyone had to. like dance, you were like a showman, right? There was no like uh focus in one. direction. Yeah. So the idea the idea. that you were like I I came into comedy. as a mega fan of standup comedy. I loved. all of it. I didn't even like draw lines. on, you know, there's people I liked. more than others and Dice was my guy for.

sure when I was 12, 13. I just hit him. at the right time. Yeah. That I loved. that. But I was such a fan of stand up. that when I got into standup, I only saw. like now I didn't know what the path was. to selling out comedy clubs or theaters. or anything like that. But that's all it. was. I didn't get into this and I was. like, "Oh, and then I'll have a sitcom.". And then you just get told right away. like, "Well, what year did you come. along?" What year did you come along? I. started in 90 uh 97. Okay. Almost maybe. 98. That was like the peak of the sitcom.

days. That was Friends. That was That. was everything was still on the air back. then, right? Seinfeld had when what year. did Seinfeld end? I want to say that was. like 2000 No. Yeah. I was going to say. 90s ended. I think it was 98. Yeah. Yeah. 1498. Okay. And then there's. Friends which kept going a little while. longer, right? Yeah. Like, you know, and. then there was like Caroline and the.

City. There was like all these shows. that everybody was like that was the. goal. The goal was to get on a show and. everybody wanted and everybody got a. network deal and they were handing out. deals where you would get like a couple. hundred grand. You didn't have to do. anything and they never even made a show. and then you get another deal next year. There's a bunch of guys who were always. having deals and that a lot of those. people when I got into comedy I'd see. those people like chest out at the comic. strip. Oh yeah. And stuff. But then but. then. never heard of again. Not to I mean I. wouldn't name names but I mean just it.

was just weird to see people that were. like oh they just got their second deal. with NBC holding deal or Yeah. Oh they. were convinced it was going to go. They. would tell you like I got a million. dollar backup deal and this and that and. so they have to do my show. It's going. to be on the air. You should play my. brother. And then it doesn't. It's such. a uh Well, you see people getting really. weird and acting like they're special. before they're even famous. Sure. Like. you didn't you didn't even get on the. launching pad yet and you're already. acting like a [ __ ] crazy person. But. also a lot of that I saw I I've been. doing it long enough to see people kind. of go and be like, "Shit, the acting.

thing seems to be going and I'm going to. go to LA or something in in. entertainment like besides standup is. going." and they focus on that for a. couple years and then nothing really. pans out from it and they didn't keep. doing standup, right? And then they come. back and it's like they try again and. then they're confused because. I've never had my own sitcom. I've never. had anything but like uh one thing I. never stopped doing was like working the. whole time still. So it's like you're. building a fan base still. And when. people a lot of people left at a time.

where it was like, oh, this is where you. have to start, you know, they went to go. do acting when everyone was like, all. right, this is it's podcast times now. and social media times and you have to. get all these things going. Um, and you. connect with the audience and stuff and. keep performing and like they went away. and then come back and it's hard to. start again. It's real hard. You saw a. lot of guys during the writer strike. tried to do it again cuz there's a few. of those guys that are really good that. are just writers and they become they. become trapped in that velvet prison of. getting that you know you make good.

money. You got a great health plan. You. know you got a nice house, got a. mortgage, maybe start having kids and. you're not really a comic anymore. Now. you're working on a sitcom or you're. writing. And the problem is you don't. have a backup plan anymore because you. can't just go on the road anymore. because you don't have a [ __ ]. audience, right? So all those other guys. that you came up with that kept their. comedy up during that whole time, those. guys can still tour. Like Fitz Simmons. was very smart about it. Like Fitz. Simmons did a lot of writing gigs, but. he never stopped doing standup. He never.

stopped doing standup and he always kept. getting better. And so like when writer. strikes and things like that happen, Greg's fine. like he sells out all over. the country. He doesn't have to worry. about it. But it's because he's smart. and because he he like saw the writing. on the wall like I'm not falling into. this trap. Well, it's a matter of what. you want to do. When you woke up in the. mornings to go do no news radio, were. you like thrilled going to work every. day or did it was did it did No, News. Radio was really fun. It was really fun. It was crazy. It was really fun. It was.

a It was a real fun like environment. We. had a good time. The writers were. amazing. It was like per perfect best. case scenario for a sitcom. And it was. the second sitcom I was on. The first. one I was on was like worst case. scenario. Not worst, but started off. great. I was on the show called Hard. Hard Ball with uh Jim Brewer. Jim Brewer. was uh he played one of the rival uh uh. mascots and he gets beat up. It's Jim. was so funny. It was so funny. It was a.

real funny pilot and it was written by. these guys who worked on Married with. Children and they worked on The. Simpsons. They were really funny. writers, Jeff Martin and Kevin Curran. And these guys put together this really. funny show and then the networks just. hacked it up. They just they just [ __ ]. into the soup. It was a mess. They. brought in a bunch of people that. shouldn't have been there and a bunch of. and the show fell apart and but I got I. got to watch like these brilliant really. funny guys get their work just [ __ ] all. over by the network and have it fall.

apart and become a just a joke. Could. you have been roped into stopping. standup like uh like not doing stand up. to to go into full-time like no from. sitcom to sitcom? But one thing that I. did do for sure is I neglected my. standup for a few years when I was doing. news radio all the time. The problem was. with in news radio in the early days it. they were really long hours because we. were trying to figure the show out and. you know there was a lot of network. notes back in those days and you know.

the network was really behind it but it. wasn't uh it wasn't owned by NBC it was. it was produced by Brilstein Gay so you. know if you wanted to be on the good. slots right so there what Paul Sims. would call Paul Sims the creator of news. radio would call it the [ __ ] sandwich so. you'd have friends and married with. children and in between you'd have like. kind of kaka sitcoms. It's like a [ __ ]. sandwich. So, but we got in those spots. occasionally and every time we did we. were like number two in the country, number three or something. But then we. dropped down to like number 80 cuz we.

got moved like nine different times over. five years. Nine times over five years. So, the show didn't really become. successful until it went into. syndication. Nice. So, it was one of. those weird things, but I never audi I. auditioned for two shows ever. I. auditioned for that hard ball show. I. got that. that got cancelled and. auditioned for news radio and that was. it really. It was the nuttiest thing of. all time. So, I didn't want it. It just. happened. So, it wasn't something like. it was my golden carrot. My golden. carrot was just I wanted to be a. professional comic, right? And then I as.

I was like barely making money as a. professional comic, like barely. surviving. All of a sudden, they're. like, "We'll pay you $25,000 a week." I. was like, "What do I have to do?" I was. like, "I got to act." Okay, now I'm. acting. And I would have moved back to. New York 100% if I didn't get an. apartment. So, I I signed a one-year. lease on this apartment in North. Hollywood. And so, I was staying. I was. like, "Ah, I gotta stay because I wanted. to just go back to New York and play. pool and hang out with my friends." I. didn't like it in LA. It wasn't my cup. of tea. I didn't like being around. actors. And it was hard to make friends. with some of the comedians and the. comedy store was weird back then. So, I.

was like, I was ready to go back to New. York. And I had this [ __ ] lease. So, I was like, I can't break the le I don't. have that kind of money. I'll go to keep. this lease going. So, I I stayed there. and then I got news radio like right. afterwards, which is great. That's. crazy. That's a whirlwind for sure. It. is funny though. It's like just that. lead of that like that you're supposed. to do like I to me it was sitting for. whatever the 10th time and I think and. watching especially actors like walking. back and forth like how serious they're.

taking it in there and I'm just like. holding the sides barely and I'm like. what's like three lines we got to say. like relax and I didn't book stuff but. it's also just like as I'm sitting there. like I don't know if I want to be the. you know the the trident cinnamon gum. guy Mitch. I don't know if I care. I. just don't like it's like if you get it, it's almost like fantastic, you know? Like that's great, but if you get it, it's extra money. Sure. But then once. you get all the extra money, you don't. have to really do that anymore. And. that's when you got to decide like what.

do you like? One of the things that I. had to decide after I did Fear Factor, I. was like, "Okay, no more of that, please." Yeah. And I did it one more. time. I did it one more time when uh in. 2011, Fear Factor came back for a brief. amount of time. That's when they made. people drink Chis. That's when it got. cancelled forever. until Ludicrous came. back and did it on MTV. No jizz. That. was then the no jizz rules. Toning it. down back then. But it was uh just like. there's a different thing that's. happening when you're doing something. just for money, you know? You're just. like, "Okay, it's worth it. It's worth.

it for this amount of money." And then. you got to know what to do with that. money. Like plan plan your escape. I. used to have to like like talk myself. into like when I would get those weird. like talking head shows. I think on. History Channel we did like I love they. would try to do like a spoof of I love. the8s and I love the '90s. They would do. like I love the 1880s or I love the. 1890s or whatever and they would give us. like history stories and write jokes and. you're going to do talking head things. and I would look at it as the burden of. that next day. Yeah. I got to wake up at.

8 to go into the city and like to do. this thing that's never I look at all. the stuff and I'm like it's it's. network. It's History Channel. So it's. like I can't really do exactly what it. is I do. And then because I'm gonna go. as close as I can to my own voice that. like it's probably not going to get a. lot of stuff on anyway. Yeah. And but I. had to really convince myself like you. know there there was a kid across the. street from me uh when I lived in South. Jersey for the couple years who was in a. Froot Loops commercial. I said and he.

and he said he might as well have been. Brad Pitt. You know what I mean? Like. like to me I was like he's been on. television and I'm like think I'm going. to do a TV show tomorrow. History. Channel anything. If you told me when I. was 12, 13 years old that, hey, you want. to do a TV show, be on TV on the History. Channel, you'd be like, no, TV, is that. possible? You know, so you have to. remember that it is pretty like. extraordinary to have some of these. opportunities. But man, so I try to take. them in when I have them. I did I was in. the movie Hustlers uh as the strip club. DJ. What is Hustlers? It's a It's a the. true story of the girls at Scores who.

were like rob the strippers that were. robbing the guys. Oh, really? When did. that movie come out? a couple years back. now, but uh [ __ ] maybe like seven years, six, seven years ago, but I was the. strip club DJ in that and like I really. had to go there because I look at the in. hindsight of it, it's like it was two. 14-hour days of like nothing. So much. nothing going on, just waiting around. and just whiffing when I uh had these. opportunities. But I'm also trying to. take in I'm like, "Holy [ __ ] that's.

Usher over there and [ __ ] that's. [ __ ] Jayla." It's as I'm sitting here. like what? When do you guys need me. again? It's like JLo's in a thong like. you know twerking on stage like doing. her scene and you're like oh I should. really enjoy some of it. You know what I. mean? JLo was on stage twerking. Yeah. I. introduced her her What year was this? Do you know how. uh 200 couple years ago? 18 maybe. Yeah. My voice opens this scene. Damn. Is that. really JLo? Yeah. So this is her 10.

years ago. 50 years old. Not then she. wasn't. Yep. She was 50 on set. Yeah. Wait a minute. How old is she now? You. said this was 2000 what? 2000 when. 200 n like 19 18. Was she really 50 back. then? Yeah. God six years ago. She's not. 56. She doesn't 19. Okay. How old is JLo? So she's 56 I. guess now. No. Is she really?

Whoa, that's crazy. Yeah, bro. What is. she doing? I don't know, but she looked. fantastic. And it really shined a light. on this girl's narrowetics. This girl's. narrow Asian ass. Really shined a light. on that. It almost when they were. choreographing them together on stage, it looked so It looked so shitty. That's. Yeah, she looks great. It's incredible. Good for her. She seemed nice. I tried. to talk to her once and I whiffed hard. Did you? I just You get panicked. I. planned. You thought you could be number.

six? I planned what I was going to say. That's what the problem was. What? Oh, you did? Yeah. How bad? I It was bad. I. said when she next time she turns around. cuz she seems nice. She's going to like. at some point she's going to talk to me. We're doing this one scene together. where she hands me money and I say like. a line and every time they yell cut, she'd put a robe on and turn around, talk to her assistant. But I'm like, she. does seem nice. And she's going to turn. around and ask me some version of how. you doing, right? And I'm going to say, uh, you know, I'm just living the life.

of a fake strip club DJ. And that's. going to make her giggle. And then we're. best friends for life. And instead of. waiting for her to say anything, the. next time she just her eyes just crossed. my eyes. I went, "Living the life of. fake strip club DJ." Like followed her. face. And she was like, "Excuse me?" And. I was like, "Oh." And then her assistant. started laughing at me. And then I. demanded to go outside to get a soda. They were like, "We'll get you a soda.". I'm like, "Please let me go outside and. reset this moment. I hate this.". Yeah. You can't have a diva roll her. eyes at you. That'll [ __ ] your.

confidence up. No matter who you are. No. Jennifer Lopez rolls her eyes at. you. Hurts so much. How is she look so. good? I don't know. She really did. It's. pretty extraordinary. It's that thing. that's a person that's in a room and. you're like, "Oh, a celebrity's here.". Like they give that off, right? But it's. like think of her beauty and then that. other lady that you said that did a. bunch of [ __ ] to her face. Probably the. same age, right? Oh yeah. Ain't that. crazy? It is crazy. You know was also. from that movie by the way? Uh a young. only one song out Lizo. And everyone was.

so excited for her and I didn't know who. she was and they go they were talking. about the celebrities are going to be. there today and she's playing a stripper. and I was like hm I'm wondering who it. is. And then uh hours later, my next. question was I'm like, "Who's the big. fat stripper wearing the fishnet. outfit?" And they're like, "That's. Lizo." Yeah. Like, "That's Liz." I was. like, "Christ almighty. What are they. making her do that?". And again, it's my own fat insecurity. that I put out on other people. Almost.

like I said that guy earlier who was. like the robe open. There's got to be. guys. I'm impressed. I'm impressed by. that because what I have is much more, which I always found interesting. Uh. Chris Farley, you know, he's most this. most famous thing ever is the Chip and. Dale sketch, right, with Patrick Sees. I've always thought, and I just know. this from I'm I'm good friends with his. brother and and from years of reading. stuff about it, like that's if you want. to trickle back what killed him, it's. essentially that. Do you know what I. mean? It's like he hated he was willing. to do it like I'll be the fat gross guy,

but he hated it. He didn't want everyone. to think he was like fat and gross. So I. it's like I have a hard time with like. with those kind of things. So, I'm. impressed also with someone who's like, "Ladies," you know, with like their. [ __ ] fat rolls on their sides. Welcome to the party. Like, how do you. do it, man? And Lizo just like, "Fuck. it. I'm wearing a thong." Like, don't. You don't have to. It's one of those. things where it's like you want to. celebrate people that don't care. Like, yeah, you go. But also, yikes. Yeah.

It's also yikes. It's always lies, too, by the way. She's lost 100 pounds. Well, also remember when she was accused of. fat shaming all the girls that she. worked with and making them making. hookers. Yeah. Making me stripper [ __ ]. and [ __ ] Yeah. Like whatever whatever. was going down. Whatever she was accused. of, I don't know if it was real, but. it's like the Chris Farley thing. I. never would have imagined that he hated. doing that. Oh yeah. No, he loved making. people laugh, but he hated that it was. at the expense. And I don't think I'm. speaking out of school here. Said that. uh um but it never seemed like that's. that stuff did bother him. I think he.

wanted he he wanted girls to like him. He wanted uh you know what I mean? So. that's why and he got big into drugs. Are you basing this on conversations. that you've had with people that know. him or conversations? I've watched so. much stuff like uh on him. Yeah. Yeah. And you could see like you know they. again it's people reading into stuff and. sure but yeah but I think also from. talking to his brother and stuff. conversations I met him once when he was. in the throws of it really. Yeah. There's a couple of people that I met. where their skin looked like wet. cardboard. uh like it was the.

consistency of wet like gray cardboard, like sweaty gray cardboard. So he was uh. on the set hanging out. There was always. like a lot of fun people that were on. the set that you got to meet. And uh he. wasn't working uh on the show. He was. just there to hang out. And so um I ran. into him like during the craft service. table area and he was just looked. terrible. And I don't know like what year did he. die?

I think late 90s also. So this was around 97ish somewhere. around then. So news radio was 94 to 99. End of 97 December week before Christmas. 97. That's when he died. 33. So it might. have been the year he died. Yeah. Cuz he. he looked like hell. He looked like he. was just so sweaty and so gray. He just. looked [ __ ] up. The one other time. there was a dude that I ran into at um. the improv and he couldn't form.

sentences. He he had like the same gray. skin and he was talking to me but. nothing made sense but he just kept. talking and he could he couldn't form. sentences and I was like this is the. craziest thing I've ever seen. It's also. weird to get into that and then still be. around comedy just be around public. You're you're hanging around with people. at a bar and you you you're so gked up. you can't even form a sentence. I have a. hard time with the I mean I can I so I. can get caught up in like the the. dramatic conversation of like the the.

science of comedy and like the all the. internal things and the manipulation of. it but at the end of the day it's so. silly when like it's taken so seriously. in some way too. It's like it's not. like, you know, unlike Daniel D. Lewis. who has to be Lincoln all day. Someone. can go, Jay, they're calling your name. on stage and you can go up. I don't have. to like find my place. You know what I. mean? Like, oh, I'm not even, you know, oh, hang on. Okay. You know, you just go. on stage and be like, [ __ ] I didn't. know they were calling me. Sorry, everybody. But also, you're doing sets.

multiple times a night. You're doing. multiple sets a week. You're so. comfortable with being on stage. It's. not like action, right? You know, you're. Lincoln. Go. Yeah. Score and seven years. ago. You mess up a line. They got to go. change the gate. They got to do a bunch. of [ __ ] things. Yeah. And there's. always someone who wants to come in and. touch up your hair. And then there's. [ __ ] people moving around. And. there's always some so many support. people. It's hard to just like keep your. [ __ ] concentration. Some people like. being doted on. Dan Soder. I've always. been he likes acting and and not even.

just acting, he likes the day. He takes. the day in the trailer and he said he'll. write jokes and you know do whatever. Happy dude. Dan Soder seems like he's. always happy. It's hard to imagine him. being even angry. Like he was talking to. me about somebody who ripped off one of. his jokes and even that the way he's. talking about the guy ripping off his. joke and confronting him about ripping. off the joke. It's still he's like he's. being silly. Yeah. He's being silly and. laughing about it. I'm like wow. Oh, he's the best for sure. Great demeanor.

So that's like a glass is always half. full guy. He's he's fine with doing a. little acting here and there, but if you. you know what he wants to do is stand. up. He's a great standup. No, no, he's. great stand up and he does want to do. standup and he wants to make shows. He's. got a lot of uh interest and I think. he'll be great at all them. I'm just. saying more like uh you know I'm losing. my train of thought. Well, you don't. have to do all that other stuff. And the. thing is like back in the '9s, we all. thought we had to do that other stuff. I. would have never imagined like quitting. a TV show just so I could do stand up on. the road. First of all, you needed the.

TV show so people would come to see you. That was people that was a big thing. back then. People came to see you if you. were on the Tonight Show or if you had. an HBO special or if you had a sitcom. like that. That's why I was always so. impressive of person like uh like. Rean like you did it straight through. comedy just organic and got to theaters. Yep. Huge theaters and sells out. instantly just because he's so good. You. know, it's funny. the quietest the. people who are the most uh surprising. There's huge earning comics that we've.

you've never even heard of and stuff. I. always look up like Shondaanda Pierce is. a lady just like a an old lady from the. the South, but she's multi-millionaire. Sells out. She performs at like churches. and stuff. Really? Yeah. But it's just. standup and it's just like the most. mundane like but it's like it's not for. me obviously but I mean with this kind. of whatever you know like act that you.

know wouldn't impress anybody. She's. making millions. Christian comedy is a. tough cell. Yeah. Well, but there's a. market for it for sure. There is a. market for it. I remember there was a. bunch of people that went into Christian. comedy. There was like a Christian. comedy tour back in like God. Yeah. It. was terrible. It was terrible to want to. go to that seems boring. Even if you. were religious, like I don't want to go. watch religious comedy. But it was like. the most ashuck stupid [ __ ] about like. the guy's dumb and my wife always tells. me I'm dumb and she's right. It's why. Nate Betti is so impressive to me and.

always has been is because he's clean in. that way. You can call him a Christian. comic and it doesn't matter because if. you just watch the comedy, if you're not. listening to all the labels being put on. him, right, he's just brilliant. He's. great. Hil and more than brilliant, hilarious. [ __ ] hilarious. Hilarious. and squeaky clean. Yeah. And you throw. them on anywhere in a lineup. Yeah. I. thought Gary Goldman was so impressive. in that way, too. It just didn't have to. be dirty. Like almost like subjects you. were someone said to write a joke about. the subject, you're like, nah, dude, that's corny. Well,

Gaffin. Yeah, he's great, too. Gaffigan's been killing it forever. Squeaky clean. You know, there's, you. know, there's a market like again, but. everyone shouldn't be that. That's the. Hannah Gatsby uh argument she made. That's that's the really uh whatever my. opinions better comedy are are. meaningless. It was an article she did. where she was like if you're not using. your comedy to like move society forward. in some way yeah like you're wasting. time basically like like you need to. come and talk about your rape or you're. wasting time doing comedy. And it's like. or you're not being personal. I go so.

you're saying like David, Brian Rean, Carattop you saying people just. shouldn't be in comedy because they're a. different like faction of it than you? That's insane. It's insane. And god. forbid if everybody started doing Hannah. Gatsby style quality, she's [ __ ]. She's not going to be the best at it. You know what I mean? It's like, why are. you welcome? It's like, why don't you. stay keep your lane and be happy with. the other thing about comedy? Like, you. should be funny first. If you want to do. all that other stuff, too, but if you. want to do all all that other stuff and. you call it comedy, but it's not funny.

like you're doing something where you're. just trying to educate people. Hey, that. you missed the whole mark of this whole. thing. And to say that that's the most. important thing. The only people that. would say that are people who aren't. funny. Yeah. That's it. That's the only. people that would ever think that the. most important thing is to move social. justice forward with your comedy. If. somebody told me I made them think on. stage, I'd go, "About what? About what?". Listen, you could be as social justicey. as you want. You could talk to your. phone. You could make long rants on.

reals. You could do podcasts. You could. do whatever you want. Talk about issues. But when you're on stage, what you're. supposed to be doing is be funny. Now, if you can be funny with some sort of. grand message that makes everybody Bill. Hicks clap at you, that's great. But. that's not the goal. The goal is to just. be funny. And if that's your goal, you. want to be funny with a social justice. Great. Nothing wrong with it. But you. got to be funny. You can't like fake it. and get clapped and think you're. anything I would even say with passion. on stage I could end just as easily by.

going or not, you know, or maybe I'm. completely wrong. I don't know. Definitely. How the [ __ ] would I know? Remember guys would do this when they. were bombing. Hey, how about a nice. round of applause for the ladies? Give a. round of applause for all the ladies in. the crowd. Let's go. How many uh at the. in the black comedy circuit? It was uh. those were the funnies. How many they. would give? He goes, "How about for. ladies?" Goes, "How about for a brother. doing the right thing, staying out of. jail, doing the right thing, trying to. do the right thing." Yeah, they get. claps. Yes. Yes. And then it was. positive energy going your way. But we. all use some crutch and that I went I.

think so not just cuz I was like, you. know, obviously inspired by like the. dices and stuff for the comics that I. like the dirtier guys. But I would go. dirty cuz I found out pretty early. If. you go dirty, even if you don't get the. laugh, cuz the joke wasn't good, you're. going to get the groan. And it was a. noise. Yeah. Cuz that was to me again. I. said the silence was the thing. Once it. was silent, I was like, "Someone please. save me from this. It's going so bad.". Yeah. If you get a few, oh god. Yeah. At. least you're like, "Ah, they're with. me." You can kind of You can kind of. laugh that off yourself. Yeah. And then. if you're laughing genuinely, maybe.

people will start smiling. Yeah. It's a [ __ ] weird art form, dude. But, you know, kudos to you for. just doing that cuz that's the way to do. it. And then Legion of Skanks, too. like. what what Lewis and you guys and Dave. what you guys have done is so. interesting because you did it all. without ever worrying about being like. removed from YouTube, you know, because. he did it all on his network on Gas. Digital. I mean, he started Gas Digital. essentially for Legion of Skanks, more. or less. So smart. And it would have.

like a PL that they really can't get rid. of. Yeah, because it limits your reach a. little bit, but over time people figure. it out. That's why Skankfest is so. [ __ ] huge. Skankfest is nuts, dude. It's fun. It's been creative doing New. Orleans this year. I should have got in. when I could have done it now. It seems. like I don't I I just I There's too many. people. I get anxiety. There's a lot of. people for sure. But it's amazing how. like You'd have a blast. It's such a. celebration of people just being stupid. and having fun. Absolutely. And it's no.

like, you know, no pretense. No. And I. said they all look the part, but they're. such great comedy fans. And and by the. way, also I mean that in the sense that. it's like there's been so many people. who have been like Skangfest isn't my. thing. I'm like dude, they're going to. [ __ ] lose their minds for you. Yeah. You don't even know. It's like they're. comedy fans. They're not just like our. fans exclusively. They're also fans of. people that are willing to do real. comedy in this [ __ ] bizarre world. where you're being told that the most. important thing is for you to do social. justice on stage, which I shouldn't say.

that's the world now cuz that it's not. It was the world like four years ago. Four years ago, you heard that a lot. Oh, yeah. And that's kind of died off. And there was a bunch of things that. killed that, but I think the real nail. in the coffin, the final one was the Tom. Brady roast. Yeah. I think that was the. grand nail in the c the coffin of woke. comedy. Well, all you had to show people. was that there was like if you stick. with something for a minute, like there. is an audience there. You're just. listening to a bunch of lunatics. screaming with nothing to do with their. lives. It's like, but if you give it a. second, like conversely, as much as.

people are writing, they're angry about. this. There's a bazillion people who. just like it. Yeah. You can't cater to. the people that are upset at what. popular thing there is out there. Can. you imagine writing a letter to AC/DC? Like this last record sucked. The first. second song's okay, but sec third song. blows and the fourth one is like that's. the [ __ ] you, you're not funny person in. the crowd. There's always going to be a. percentage of them. There's it's an. unavoidable aspect of human nature. There's a bunch of people that don't do. anything, can't contribute, and want to.

knock down everything they see in front. of them. There's a bunch of people that. were born with amazing genetics that. just have this superiority over. everybody that they believe is real and. they, you know, especially if you're. pretty and everybody wants to [ __ ] you. and you think you could yell at anything. at the guy on stage. Yeah. Maybe you. hate men cuz your ex-boyfriend's a piece. of [ __ ] and you've had a couple of. cocktails and [ __ ] him and [ __ ] this. guy. Don't [ __ ] say women can't do. it. Men can. break down Joe. It's the funniest. So. the audience trying to break down your. bit. Oh, that's the best. I had a a lady.

heckle me once where I was trying to. explain I was doing this bit about uh I. had a bit about the the guy who broke. into the White House because this guy uh. some [ __ ] maniac broke into the White. House. He just hopped the fence, ran. across the lawn and broke in and there. was a lady guarding the front door and. he smacked her to the ground and just. ran through and he got tackled by an. offduty secret service guy. I was like. getting a cup of coffee and sees this. [ __ ] guy running through the White. House and he tackles him and the joke. was about a woman being a security guard. at the White House and the joke was.

supposed to be um I know because guess. what? I shouldn't be a security guard at. the White House. I go and you know how I. know cuz I met Shaquille O'Neal and his. dick is where my face is. It was like if. the White House is experiencing a shack. attack, I'm the wrong dude to save the. world. No [ __ ] So the the whole joke. was about that and I I couldn't get it. out because this lady's like, "Bullshit, bullshit." So the joke was women can't. do everything men can do because men. can't do everything men can do. That's. why we have the Olympics. There's some.

people that can just do [ __ ] that. regular people can't do. And one of. those things is guarding the [ __ ]. White House. Like you should be a big. [ __ ] giant dude who's capable of. extreme violence. But this [ __ ]. wouldn't let me get this out. She's. like, and I tried to explain to her, this is how the joke goes. And then I. went further into the joke and she. chimed in again. I explained the joke. and then she was with she was like, "Okay." I'm like, "Yeah, I can't I'm. saying I can't do it." I've gone hard at. female cops so much. It's so great when. I meet female cops. They're like they. usually have great sense of humor about.

it quite honestly. But I will film and. send to like sodas who I'll do it to. I. watch cops still a lot like clips of the. show Cops. And there was one I watched. recently that was just about it's a. female cop. Whenever it's a female cop, I'm like I get my phone ready in case I. have to film this cuz I go it's always. going to be something hilarious and uh. they're always in the way somehow or. something and it's they're trying to. stop this guy, you know, he's on foot, black dude. And this lady's like, "Let. me see your ID. Let me see your ID right. now." And the guy just slowly backing. away and then he just decides to go.

start running. And he runs and this girl. is chasing him. This black guy is so far. away from her it's ridiculous. And then. just coming zipping right past her is a. dude cop who just catches the guy and. tackles him. And then the rest of the. times her standing over breathing hard. She's like, "Son of a [ __ ] got away. from me." Like and she's like, "Lady, what are you doing? What are you doing?". I saw uh one time I was waiting outside. of a doctor's office in New York and I. saw a guy who was naked with his. hospital gown on the floor next to him.

Um this isn't outside of a hospital, by. the way, just a doctor's office. This. guy left the hospital clearly. He's. naked. Still has his bracelet on. He's. flapping his dick around. So I call the. cops and I go, "Hey, I think there's a. guy who got out of a hospital here. He's. naked and he's seems pretty unruly. He's. like screaming [ __ ] He's being kind of. weird." And they go, "Will you stay on. the phone with us and let me know when. the officers get there?" I go, "Sure.". And then a big NYPD van pulls up and two. tiny little ladies get out and I started.

laughing on the phone and I'm like, "Yo, I don't think these these ones are going. to be able to handle. You might want to. send somebody else." And they go, "Why?". I go, "Cuz it's like two tiny ladies, miss." And I'm like, "And this guy's. like like I'm going to have to get. involved now and I don't want to." And. then the guy stood up and he's walking. towards him and the ladies are like, first of all, already touching their. guns, which is like again, not really. necess. Well, they have to go at them, right? That's the thing. If you if you're a. small woman and a naked guy is coming.

your way and you don't know how to fight. and you have a gun, you're grabbing your. gun. And the guy just went up to them. and just stood about seven feet in front. of them and started pissing at their. feet. And then uh and then finally. another cop car came with a guy who just. I mean got out of the car right away, grabbed him by the arms, you know what I. mean? Put his arms behind his back and. they put the the thing back over him, his gown back on him. But it was just. like guy had a pee. What's the problem? He didn't couldn't find his clothes. But. it's just so wild that I'm like, why are. these two a team at all? Yeah. I mean, I.

would like to say that women could do. everything men can do, but I think in. that s circumstance, you'd probably want. a big man. Field police work. That's. crazy. You're dealing The one of the. scariest videos that I ever saw was this. guy. This lady pulled him over on the. highway and the guy gets out and he's. beating the [ __ ] out of this lady cop. and his daughter, the guys who's beating. the cop, his daughter is saying, "Daddy, stop. Daddy, stop." Cuz he's just.

beating the [ __ ] out of this unconscious. lady. It's so scary. It's so scary. because this there's no way she should. have been in that situation. There's no. way. A chubby female cop to boot is the. funniest, too. You're like, "What is. happening? all the time. What is the. problem they're going to solve all the. time? But they're in the way. Like I was. at a casino once and uh this person who. I. thought air quotes was a woman and I was. talking to and it was a security guard.

like 5 foot five like shorter than me. Security guard woman uh I thought. thought was a woman and it wasn't. disturbed by the fact that she was a. security guard. None none of it. Right. But then at the end of the night, um, I. had been talking to these people, you. know, the show was over and I was like, "Well, ladies, it was really nice to. meet you." And she says, "Actually, I'm. a man." And she says it like with a. woman's voice and I like stuck or, you. know, I probably had a couple cocktails,

just did a show, and I probably gota go, "Are you you for. sure?" Like, what? So, I said, "I'm. sorry. I didn't mean anything by it. I. didn't know. I gave her a hug. Hugged. everybody and I left and I was I felt. proud of myself that I didn't say. something. You should have nut checked. her. I was just like, yeah, nut check. It's just like you definitely you're. not, but you know, whatever. Like to to. think that I should have known like. that's crazy, man. I had something that. you identify as a man. I had something.

turn on me so bad with that at a not. even a mustache at a diner. Um it was. me, Josh, Adam Meyers, and uh and my. girlfriend went to a concert and we went. to a diner afterwards. And where they. sat us at this diner, our table was. facing the boos that are going across. And the booth right across from where. I'm staring is a cute girl and what I. thought was a a goth guy. I thought it. was a like a goth dude. He was wearing. like kind of fishnet stuff and. everything. and they are making out hard.

up like going they're going for it and. I'm like uh you know we're kind of like. laughing it off almost at first you know. like all right I guess like they're go. but then it starts getting like they're. like like she's like getting in a. position the girl uh the only girl I. thought is when like the the goth guys. he's rubbing like her [ __ ] over the. pants and she's like writhing around and. stuff and this is going on then they. stop in a diner. Yeah. Then they stop. Then they start again. It's to the point.

where I go laughingly though, too. I. kind of go, "All right, come on." And. they're like, and they're like, they. have like an oh my god, what the [ __ ] is. wrong with you thing now? There's. people, they're in a booth, and we're. the only people who see them. We're. facing them. These booths are other. people, but they're just not paying. attention to what's going on there. I'm. just having to look at it. I'm like, "All right." And they're like, "What's. the problem?" And I'm still just kind of. laughingly going like, "I get it, but. like, you know, I'm doing like a guys.". I'm like, "You're [ __ ] at the table.". I mean, like, it's crazy. We're at a.

diner. And they're getting shitty about. it. And then I'm just like, "I don't. know what the problems." I'm like, "That's crazy what you're doing." And. everything. And I'm like, "I don't We're. not wrong here." And then she was And. then she goes, "Would you have a problem. if we were a straight couple?" And I was. like, "I thought that was I thought that. was a guy." I said, "I didn't know it. wasn't a straight couple." And then, uh, whatever. It all kind of calms down and. then like our food's coming, which is. weird. We still have to sit there and I. go, "Yo, I'm going to go outside and. smoke a cigarette and like regroup here. a little bit." Biggest mistake I ever.

made cuz I went outside and I'm This is. like a big glass front rest, you know, diner and I'm smoking right outside the. diner and I'm watching the narrative get. created in the room without me being in. the room like the people behind and the. staff coming up and being like the we're. sorry things people have to still act. like that. people still uh act like that. today and blah blah and when I go back. into eat I mean we are paras I just feel. like and then the host guy uh who like.

you know sees everybody as gay and he's. side eye it's just it was so. uncomfortable and I was like did you. explain yourself we didn't do anything. no there was nothing to explain just to. kind of awkwardly give us our food and. I'm like you guys are mad somehow at me. how much spit do you think you ate oh so. much so much spit was shitty food then I. told that story on my radio show it was. And somebody like messaged like the Yelp. or whatever of the thing and they were. like that guy was uh being transphobic. and we this is a welcoming restaurant. who allows anybody in. It's like this.

how is this the narrative of what. happened in there? They got me. They got. you completely created around me. I. wouldn't have cared if it was trans. I. thought it was a straight couple [ __ ]. in a diner booth that I wanted to stop. Yeah, people are good at spinning a. tail. If and by the way I said it's. always the in-betweens too in full. disclosure. If the guy like had her what. I thought was the guy had that girl's. like shorts to the side and I was. watching him finger, I wouldn't have. said a word. I would just sit there and. just drank it all in. Interesting. It. was just It wasn't going hard enough. It.

wasn't soft enough or hard enough. It was Goldilocks right in the middle. And I don't want to see I don't want to. see you guys dry hump while I'm eating. Either finger where we could all see or. buck it take it down the road. That's. hilarious that they put that put. transphobia on. thought it was a guy. The whole diner when we went back in was. like, "Oh, these intolerant people go, I. don't care if that's a girl. It means. nothing to me. They didn't see it.". Also, maybe if they announced it was a. girl out of the gates, I might have not. said anything.

either. Just two chicks going out of. thing. I'm like, "Look at these two wild. motherfuckers." Right. You just thought. it was crazy that it was a dude doing. that. Yeah. That's funny. Ain't that. funny? That's weird. It's weird how we. look at that. Oh, yeah. But I said you. get wrapped up in a thing and you're. like, "You're transphobe." We go that. has nothing to do with any of this. It's. a problem because that label you could. just slap on someone when you're talking. about like male athletes that identify. as women competing in girl sports. Like. that's not transphobic. That's just. we're talking about something crazy. Can.

I be trans weird? Is that is that a. term? Just be like it's like I think. that's weird that uh that there's a a. 6'7 woman beating up an actual woman in. a ring. There was some lady who was just. arguing that there's no biological. difference between men and women. I'm. I'm gonna send you this, Jamie, because. it's so kooky. You're like, come on, Doctor Who. You can't really think that. this is true. This is no biological. difference. There's no difference. between men and women's strength. Pennsylvania state senator said there's.

no biological advantage for men in. women's sports or disadvantage for women. in men's sports. This is That's a woman. A woman said this. This is so crazy. I. just said it to you, Jamie. It's so. kooky. You're like, come on. Like, I. know you want to believe this, but if. you're gonna be on TV saying things, it. has to make some kind of [ __ ] sense. Female bodies are just as strong. as fast and capable as male bodies. I. want all girls to know that there are.

elected officials like me who would. never underestimate your ability to beat. a boy at their own sport. Because that's. what the premise of this bill assumes, that female bodies are less than male. bodies. For what reason, other than. political gain, are we spending time and. taxpayer dollars on a completely madeup. issue? So, female bodies are just as. That's so crazy. I heard her. But she.

just got caught up in the woke [ __ ]. She lives in an echo chamber probably. all the people around her are all either. in academia or in some sort of left-wing. [ __ ] ideology. And they really. believe that and they believe that you. should say that because if you're saying. if you're not saying that, you're saying. women are less than men. That's not what. anybody's saying. Strength and speed and. athleticism is not all of life. Well, you made the point. There's men that are. less than men in different areas. Yeah, of course. They're called coders. They're out there. Like, you know, they're incels. They're online. They're.

they're making apps. You know, there's a. lot of different roles for people in. this. Like, it doesn't make you a man. just because you're you can run faster. than everybody else. But to say that men. can't run faster than women is just. you're denying statistics and science. and all the information that we have. gathered forever. We have so much. data. High school 15year-old boys beat. the women's soccer team, the. professional team. So, shut the [ __ ] up. This is stupid to say. This is stupid to.

say. It's not transphobic, homophobic, it's not gender phobic, it's not. misogynistic. It's just a fact of. physical nature. But also, if you if you. hit the pinnacle, the the fight's over. Do you know what I mean? If you just go. like women's sports is uh highly. attended. It's given the same amount of. TV time as men's sport and everything. It's like, yeah, not enough. Not really. Like, now I want to now I want to be in. men's sports. Also, that's the craziest. one. when the WNBA players want as much. money as the WNB as the NBA players. No, the NBA actually generates extreme. amounts of revenue. If the W somebody.

wrote a joke about it that the. WNBA wanted what their just pay was and. so they they owe $400 million because. that's really what how it balances out. It's like a losing vent. It's never been. profitable. Do you know what those uh. what those things but like allow again. like it's like you're helping the one to. hurt the many in so many things too. It's just like the that video Shane. showed me this years ago, the the blind. kid playing football. It's like a little. boy playing pop football and he's blind.

and I'm like, "Who's this for?" Like, you know, it's your dad. Why is he. letting you do that? Who is this for? Daredevil. And the kid gives a speech in. the video. He gives a speech and he. goes, he goes, "A lot of people say. blind people can't play football." And. you're like, "Yeah, everybody." And you've never seen this. video? No. This is maybe my favorite. video on the internet. Blind football. Jamie, if you could. This is It's a 30. second video. The song they pick for. this is the is the greatest thing in the. world.

So, here's the thing about like the. WNBA. If you love the WNBA, that's. great. There's a certain amount of. people that love the WNBA. It's great. that women have a an avenue for. professional sports, but you only get. paid as much as people are willing to go. to see you. And if they're not willing. to go to see you, I'm sorry, cuz they. want to see Dunks. This kid's blind. going to win. It's that kind of. confidence that continues to amaze. people who watch Dylan play. Oh, this is. so this blind. Oh, this is so crazy. I.

can't see. And a lot of people think. that I that a blind person can't play. football. But this courageous youngster. has proven those people wrong on the. What the [ __ ] is going on? [Music]. I mean, you can't play football by smell. That's. impossible. But it's again, it's like. what you're actually doing is making. this game not fun for anybody else out. there, right? You can't hit the blind. kid. No one's going to hit the blind.

kid. And if you do, you're a dick. You're just running around so you have. one less player. For real. Yeah. It's. just like your your your team has. decided to be on a handicap so you can. get on the news. We used to play. basketball on a story every Wednesday. And uh Nate Bargetti one time brought. his friend uh Nick Noviki who's a little. person comedian and he brought him and. we were like oh he's going to play like. all right I guess. And we let him play. and every time he'd get the ball the. defense would lay off him and let him. shoot and he'd make it or miss it but it. was what it was. And then he started uh.

when everyone would lay off on defense, instead of shooting the ball, he try to. like run in like do a layup and we're. letting him like till eventually Nate. Bargati of all people goes over and just. cleaned his shot right into like the. projects. He just sent away like I can't. just we can't just let this happen the. whole. time like becomes not fun for everybody. It was uh there was a when I was a kid I. remember very few stories but there was. a handful of like the girl that fought. to get on the men's football team. Yeah. Football's such a violent sport that to.

let girls play it, they have to put them. in lingerie because the lingerie. football league is the only is the only. visible women playing football sport. I. don't know. But I wanted to start taking. like bets on it. That was a thing right. at one point in time. Oh yeah. And they. hit hard. They roller derby. Never saw. roller derby. There's also buns in. basketball where they have uh morbidly. obese black chicks wear thongs and play. basketball. I haven't seen that. Oh, but. roller derby is like a team like a. really hardcore lesbian type activity, right? Oh, yeah. I would imagine. I.

would assume. Yeah. Yeah. Really. banging. Hardcore dyke bar girls with. [ __ ] weird tattoos. And there's like. some element of wrestling to it also. It's like not fully real. Very. aggressive. They slam into each other. They get [ __ ] crazy. Lingerie. football. If you go look up lingerie. football's biggest hits, it's nuts what. they lingerie. They I saw that they made. a deal for something to air on ESPN 2. this year. This is like a women's tackle. football league championship game from. last year. Wait a minute. These are. chicks. Yeah. Come on. Go back. That was. a hell of a play.

Whoa. That's nuts. 30 40 yard pass. Caught it. Oh my god. That's crazy. Dude, they look pretty good. Yeah, this. looks better than WNBA. Maybe they found. it. Maybe women's tackle football is. what's up because you're going to see a. lot of tackles. Oh, yeah. Right. Yeah. I. don't know if they get jacked up like. they do in the like NFL or anything, but. Well, how they have to? They're running. into each other. Well, here's what's. funny about this. These hits are pretty. good, but they're wearing actual. football pads. Lingerie football's.

biggest hits are they're wearing. shoulder Yeah, they're wearing shoulder. pads and lingerie. They look like the. [ __ ] like the Legion of Doom. They. [ __ ] used to come out. Oh, this is. it. Dude, they whail each other. Do they. really? I mean, it's crazy. Well, the titties never come out. That's. crazy. They must have the things. strapped down. That's Ouch. Ouch. These. pileups are crazy. How much staff. infection is coming out of these [ __ ]. things. I'm seeing a lot of staff. I'm. seeing a lot of staff happen in the. future of these ladies. I mean, they.

blast each other into the sides. You're. going to get scratched up bad. You're. going to get staff for sure. Whoa. Right. up the butt. The fact you get 22 girls. on a field who are not fighting the idea. of like, oh, so we just got to dress. like [ __ ] to play football. They just. go, "Yeah, we're dress like sons and. play football." [ __ ] it. It's not the. same thing. Why are they shamed and buns. and b If you can find buns in. basketball, we should buy a franchise, dude. I'll go hies with you. Oh, Jesus. Christ. Oh my god. There's a couple of BBLs in.

there. Actually, see if you could find. the Buns and Basketball leg break. There's a girl who [ __ ] She has a. Paul George like [ __ ] leg break just. cuz she's just fat and she just falls. under the weight of her dribbling. How bad is it? It It look It's pretty. gnarly. It's not the worst I've ever. seen. It's not Tom Siger's arm bad, but. it's close. That was bad. That was so. bad. It's cuz when he pulls it back and. it's flopped. It's the uh it's the. Anderson Silva retracting the flopped. leg, you know. No, his arm still is. [ __ ] Still Yeah. Still not 100%. Oh,

I'd have to grip is still [ __ ] up. He. had a bunch of nerve surgeries and [ __ ]. Yeah, that was gnarly, dude. Imagine if. it just imagine if anyone's playing. defense. Just going for a layup. Just. pops. Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no. Yep. Yep. Oh god, it just snaps. For buns and basketball of all things. Oh, it just snapped. Oh my god. Hey, I. can tell it's going to rain tomorrow.

How do you know that? Old buns and. basketball injury. Bro, those are bad. injuries. The femur is a real bad one. because you got to get blood flow to it. Sometimes it takes a long time. Sometimes it doesn't fully heal. Yeah, I. know a couple people with broken. femurss. That's the most painful one. Yeah, I. know a dude uh Frank Mir, he was UFC. heavyweight champion. He uh got hit by a. car when he was on his motorcycle and he. got thrown through the air and he was a. giant [ __ ] dude. He came back too. Took a long time for he was like really.

back, you know, like it took well over a. year and a half, two years before he was. really performing at the same level. I. mean, you'd have to ask him. Then he. came out and fought Brock, right? He was. like the right away. Yep. He fought. Brock. knee knee bardom. Yeah, that was. all after the accident. Yeah, man. UFC. really has straightened out your belief. in other people from other sports saying. like I can come do uh mixed martial. arts. Very few could ever pull it off, but Brock pulled it off. I mean, the the. funniest one for me was again just that.

blind belief I had in Kimbo Slice. I. don't know. I don't know why I didn't. think that Roy Nelson would just hold. him on the ground and mush his face. until a referee was like, "Hey, leave. him alone." That's crazy. Well, Kimbo, he's a tough [ __ ] Obviously, I. mean, he was fighting just standup only. He's very dangerous. Like, he was. involved in like if bare knuckle boxing. was around back then, he would have been. a huge star of bare knuckle boxing. He. would have [ __ ] a lot of people out. bare knuckle boxing. But once you add in. the wrestling and Kimbo had a bunch of. uh knee injuries from football and you.

know it's you can't really grapple at. full capacity with knee injuries and. learn grappling at 35 or however old he. was. Yeah. But dude, kudos to that guy. for having the courage to actually just. get into the UFC Ultimate Fighter. That's crazy. With very little grappling. against Roy Nelson was a jiu-jitsu black. belt. Henzo Gracie black belt. Roy. Nelson's [ __ ] legit on the. ground. He was so fun. He was so heavy, too. He had big big old belly. He knows.

how to hold people down. And he was. like, he would shout out Burger. He'd go. to Burger King after the fights and. stuff. He also could [ __ ] punch, dude. That guy could punch. He had some. of the craziest one punch knockouts. ever. What is that? Does that career. amount to like Does is he sitting on. money now? Like a guy like that or is he. like I don't know. I haven't talked to. Roy in forever. I don't know. He wound. up fighting for a bunch of different. organizations, you know, he left when he. left the UFC, I think he fought for. Bellator, but uh that guy has some crazy. highlight. He knocked out Sha one shot.

He knocked out Oh, yeah. That's right. He knocked out a lot of people, dude. He'd connect on people. They would go. night night. It was nuts, man. He. knocked out. He knocked out a lot of. [ __ ] big tough dudes. When anybody. comes at Shaw, I'm always like, it's not. even the the wins he's had more than I'm. like, this guy's not afraid of you. Like, he's been punched by like the. best. And like, I promise you, whatever. you think he thinks you could do to him, it's not as bad as that. He's been. beaten up by world champions. And he's. knocked out world champ. He knocked out.

Merco Crocop, which was crazy. Like. Merco Crocop back in the day was the. [ __ ] man. Sure. He was like the first. elite kickboxer to really excel in MMA. He was the first guy to show all these. other strikers that you don't even know. what you're talking about. When he. started fighting in Pride, it was like. this is another level. He would kick. people in the body and you would see. like there's a photo of him Keith. kicking Heath Herig and his [ __ ] shin. is halfway into his rib cage. It's so.

nasty. when you look at the photo of it, you just go the amount of power that. that guy could generate in his kicks. Like there was nobody like that before. him in kickboxing or in MMA rather. I. felt so bad. The first that first UFC. coming back during uh quarantine was so. important. and everybody. I don't know. if it was the first one or the second. one that came out, but that was when I. was like, man, you got to really pick. your timing and when you're going to. shout out what you're dedicating a fight. to, cuz there's that poor guy like he. lost a stepdaughter.

uh and then he came out like wearing the. shirt of the stepdaughter who passed. away and it was all dedicated to her. I. mean, you can see as Alistar Overim beat. him into submission with punches. Yeah. The referee was even kind of going like, "Come on, man. Please try to fight. back." Right. I said at the end. Alistister Rover should have been like. it's okay everybody I was also fighting. for his stepdaughter like yay. Yeah it's tough. I mean but to shout. that out like it's tough before. Yeah. it's great on you too. Those are great.

YouTube compilations. The cocky fighter. comes in the ring and get to lose. Oh. there's always like the guy pushes the. guy at the weigh-ins and starts [ __ ] at. the weighins and gets knocked. unconscious. There was one a guy came in. the UFC cage. I forget who it was, but. the way he entered the ring, like he did. a thing where he hung on the outside of. the cage and like swung into the ring. and did some crazy like move and then. just it was like an immediate knockout. It was like a 30se seconder. Well, it's. like you planning to talk to JLo. You. just got to let things happen. You can't. you can't plan things. The.

inauthenticity of your planning will. come to haunt you. Yeah. Also, the [ __ ]. you talk through life is also in. broadcasting as you start to get guests. sort starts to haunt you. It's like the. thing like Howard Stern had to make a. gazillion apologies, I assume, by the. time he the the guest he got on. We've. done it. Man, we [ __ ] up so bad. We. came in one day, we saw Brett Michaels. in the Fishbowl is when me and Soda were. doing the show still. The fishbowl of. SiriusXM. It's like there's a studio. that you could see into right in the. front there where they do performances. and stuff. Okay. And um we were up in.

the uh in the fishbowl one time. saw. Brett Michaels when we came and talking. to somebody and then we go on air and. almost like for the bit we're like how. do we never get offered these there's. always like celebrities here and they. weren't even brought to us as we can get. them. It's so [ __ ] crazy. And I go, "Right now as we speak, Brett Michaels. is out there." And then we said. something about like like his bandanna. being attached to his hair and like and. I think Soda said like they lower his. his bandana and hair onto him like Darth. Vader and just sits there and they lower. it on and then they come back and they.

go he said he's willing to come in. So, oh no. Then he comes in and he's lovely. This guy was making future promises with. us of what stuff he wants to do with us. and hang out and come be a part of his. summer festival and broadcast from there. because he loves us so much. But his. manager was listening the whole time and. he said as soon as he left the studio. they went those guys are not your. friends and you're like a [ __ ] [ __ ]. [ __ ] He's got to understand they didn't. know you. That's what it is. I've been.

they know you talking [ __ ] It's not. Cory Feldman hates my guts and it's like. what' you do? Well, I've never non-stop. talking about him. I've seen the videos. Yeah. Yeah. We've never going Oh, yeah. Do you hate on his dancing? Yeah. Maybe. it's getting better. We're not even. hating on it at all. I love it. I want. to do nothing different. Um and I wish. they tried he tried to have us not. allowed his show when he opened for Limp. Biscuit. Not allowed. Yeah. And this. head of security was a fan. He came over. to me and Bobby Kelly and he was like, "Yeah." He goes, he was asking if you. guys were coming. I said yes. Then he.

asked if he could know where you were uh. then he asked if we could not let you. in. And I was like, "Well, they're not. doing anything. They're not threatening. you or anything. They're coming to watch. a show." And he was like, "Well, can I. at least know where they're sitting at?". And he goes, "It'll be wherever the most. excited people are." And son of a [ __ ]. were we? I mean, we were a sprout of. grass on a dirt field of people. I mean, we were the only ones. We were hyped. I. know all the words. He's the. best. But I did, that was the genius of. Howard Stern that I [ __ ] up. Um, when. I started getting into broadcasting, I.

broadcasted always like it was going to. be me talking to a friend or friends. shooting the [ __ ] right? Not that. you're going to come across these. people. So, I would have played more. what Howard Stern was always great at is. like, "Take the lunatic." But he's. always going to be like, "No, I you're. great, dude. You're the best." And let. the world make the joke, right? Instead, like I go at But I was like, man, I. would have loved to just have Corey. Felman come in by monthly to do, "Hey, you got a new song? Play it, dude. I'll. bite my [ __ ] finger while I. Poor Corey. Poory. The thing The thing.

about Corey that really does bother me, like legitimately, we were so happy. Oh, this is him. Let me hear this. [Music]. [Music]. He yells at his band. Such a weird. [Applause]. the guitar solo. He doesn't know how to. play the guitar. That's so crazy. But he.

just does a solo. How can you do a. guitar solo if you don't know how to. play a guitar? Does he actually not know. how to play a guitar? Like, do you know. how to play? No. No. No. But I You don't. have to to know how to play to know he. does not know how to play. I could do. what he's doing for sure. And but then. here's what he did. I you I don't know. what the trickleback is, but I said. after that was going viral the guitar I. was like why doesn't this guy just come. out and say like like if he's kind of. like no I get it I get the joke too like. then it kind of like puts people in. their stops them in their tracks and.

then he kind of did that. He came goes. of course it's the worst guitar solo. ever. Of course that's why I'm doing it. Like it's funny. And it's like no. And. Fred Durst came out to watch him do it. to prove he was doing it. Because Fred. Durst is smart like Howard Stern. He. makes him think he's his friend, but. he's a way bigger enemy than I could. ever be to. him cuz he's going like, "Dude, go make. an ass of yourself in front of all these. people." He's a young star guy that grew. up to become a man. And they're all. weird. There's no way you could be a.

star at 6 years old and come out normal. You don't have a normal life. It's. impossible. Is there nobody? I don't. think there's one. Everyone that I've. met, I mean, there's some really. talented people like Miley Cyrus and. people that were childhood stars that. are cool to talk to and but they. struggle. It's a struggle. All of them. struggle. Everybody struggles. Like. Punky Brewster is probably fine right. now. I don't know. I don't even know. what that is. Punky Brewster. You don't. remember that [ __ ] I don't remember. So. Leo Moon Fry, she had the biggest. titties when we were kids. Yeah, that's. right. She made a great documentary a. few years back. That's right. But didn't.

she became like a mom and got out of the. business? Yeah, you can do that. But if. you want Oh, you're saying if you try if. you're still if you're still clamoring. for the fame. Yeah. But I don't I mean I. don't know how many people came out of. the fame as a young person and were. fine. But the people that stay and keep. doing it, they're not fine. Most of. them. I mean, maybe there's a few. I. mean, I'm not saying it's impossible to. do, but I'm saying the challenge of. becoming a normal person with like a. normal view of the world when you know.

you're getting doted on when you're six. and you're the money maker in the house. when you're a little kid. Like your. parents stop working to manage you, like. that kind of [ __ ] Like those Carter. kids. I mean, that's brutal. That Aaron. Carter kid was Yeah. lost. He was doing. gay porn at the end. Not gay porn, but. like uh gay like cam stuff. Oh, really? Yeah. just whacking off on camera with face. tatto ODM supposed to. I don't know if. it ever ended up happening. I think they. did. I think they did. And it's so crazy.

cuz he's like this skinny guy with like. not a muscle on his body and Lamar Odum. used to play for the NBA. Isn't that. true? Yes, they did have it. Yeah, it. did happen. Yeah, Lamar just beats the. brakes off. I mean, you'd have to assume. he's a former professional athlete. The. fact that and Chuck Liddell is the. [ __ ] Look at the size difference. This is so crazy. Look at him. He's. trying to punch him. Aaron Carter's He's. letting him hit him. He's just kind of. He touches him once. He's like letting.

him hit him. Oh man. It's sad to watch. It's almost like he it looked like Oh, there you hit him with the left hand. What's really sad about it is is people. is it's not just people watching you. fight that that wigs me out so much. It's that uh there's something that. knowing how to fight and the form of. what you're doing looking any kind of. good. Especially if you're fight street. fights. I mean, when they devolve into. like, you know, like men swinging like. this, you're like, "Oh man, we really. all suck at the end of the day at this.". Like, it's so hard to keep like a a.

fighter's composure on a street fight, especially if shit's going down. Yeah. Unless you do it all the time. I. remember watching these two guys fight. in front of the comedy store. And uh it. was uh it was across the street when the. House of Blues was over there. So, it. was right in front in the parking lot. These guys start yelling at each other. and blah blah blah. And they get out. like almost in traffic. They're like on. the sidewalk like right where the street. tumbles out. And I see these two guys. facing off and I see the white guy. There's a like a white guy and uh this.

looks like an out of shape. African-American fella. And the white. guy starts swinging with it almost like. with his eyes closed. And then the bus. goes in between them so I can't see. them. And then as the bus goes back, the. white guy's. out flat on his back, spread eagle, and. the black guy's already running away. He's he's out cold. They were just. squabbbling in front. And I don't. remember how it I just remember this. I.

remember this. And then the bus and then. out cold. Do you have to deal with uh. because I mean I know from like when. Lewis was working with Bisbing and stuff. and he'd go to Vegas uh he'd be like. they were all surprised at how many. drunk guys at the casino try to like. give him [ __ ] Oh, there's a bunch of. idiots. I say people come to you all the. time. It's like you know you know karate. for real dudes kind of thing. Mo if you. hang out with enough drunks long enough. someone will just avoid those areas. Yeah. It's just it's drunk people. But.

if you're one of them and you're hanging. out and you're drinking with people. Yeah. There's a bunch. These people used. to get stupid with Chuck Dell when Chuck. Dell was the light heavyweight champion. He was the scariest [ __ ] human on the. planet and people would get stupid with. him. They're on Coke. They don't know. what they're doing. They're out of their. [ __ ] mind. You think you could win. that fight? Like people are up, [ __ ]. up. They're all They're crazy anyway. They're schizophrenic. People are. There's so many nuts out there in this. world. Most thing about fighting, too, is endurance. That's what most people. don't have in any kind of fight. If it's. not over in 30 seconds, everyone's.

holding each other. One of my favorite. things I watch I watch a lot of like. body cam crime [ __ ] on YouTube and. there's one. It's a it's a Key West. It's a couple. Uh the guy's hammered. He. essentially he's got money for sure. for. this guy. He's just trying to, you know, pay his bill with a library card or. something where he's like, he doesn't. know what's going on and he's barking at. the staff and then someone on the staff. pushes his face and then breaks into. this melee, but it's, you know, 50s. something year old white people getting.

into a fight and one guy. uh gets him in a side headlock, useless. And then they both sort of fall down, the husband and this guy who intervenes. And the guy who intervenes eventually. puts his like legs, you know, puts in. his hooks basically, but does do night. does nothing. Doesn't choke the guy out. Nothing. They're just kind of sitting. there. Two old exhausted guys. 10. minutes later at least, they get up and. they kind of have like the you're a. [ __ ] you're a [ __ ] kind of thing. And. they leave. Then it cuts back to the the.

cops outside and they want to talk to. the guy who intervened. Not mad at him, they just want to get his side of the. story, what happened. And this guy is so. this is an old man. And the cops are. questioning him and they start to lose. their patience cuz he just wants to keep. telling his hero story. He just watched. what happened. It's just two old men. holding each other on the ground. He. goes, "Guy came out of nowhere and. punched me." And I grew up doing this. [ __ ] man. So, you know, I told the guy, I go, "You you got two ways this can go. tonight, man." He goes, "You could you.

can knock it off or I could beat the. [ __ ] out of you." Uh, he's telling this. to the cops. Uh, yeah. If you might be. able to find We're very classy. uh body. cam were very classy people. Um maybe hopefully you could fight it. But it's uh but when he's talking to the. cop then he goes he's like I told him I. could beat the [ __ ] out of he goes all. right. So then you were able to like. subdue him. He's like yeah. He goes I. took him down and I'm like he goes I. don't want a problem with you. And I go. you you want no parts of what I'm about.

to bring to you my man. And it's all. this none of this happened. You just. watched the video where he just grabbed. them. They they flopped on the ground. and laid there exhausted for 10 minutes. while the while the lady screams. It's. nothing. And it's just like just a guy. talking with that that believe. Yep. Is. it? So this is the video. Let me see. some action. So that's that's just them. getting on the ground and he just puts. volume. Will we get in trouble? Will we. lose the YouTube rights? What happens? Every step. Okay. Don't don't don't give. me any volume then. Yeah. So that's.

them. You can always fast forward. Yeah. You just stay there and eventually get. up and have like the hands on each. other. Yeah, they're up. now. Wait. No, no, no. It's right after. the video. But we're not going to be. able to play it. Oh, you can't play the. audio. No, they'll they'll [ __ ] get. us on YouTube. I think it's the one. without that. Yeah, if you're commenting. on it, it's commentary. Are you allowed. to? It deps out the C for it's this guy. Huh? Yeah. I probably got punched some Yeah.

Douchebag jumped out of nowhere giving. [ __ ] to the employees and I just said, "Hey, you mind right here?" Yeah. Okay. So, were you the first one to go ahead. and grab him to try? No. So, my I was. probably the first guy these guys. [ __ ] with the waitresses. Dude, what. are you doing? The guy [ __ ] punched. me. I said, "Dude, you don't want to get. into this with me. I grew up doing this. shit." Mhm. And I said, "Don't do it." I. dragged him to the ground. I said, "You. got two options. You either stop or I'm. going to beat the living [ __ ] out of.

you." Okay. So, I said, "That's how it's. going to go." And he said, "I don't want. a problem with you." I said, "You you. you want nothing to do with what I'm. going to bring to you.". And then, "Oh, yeah. No, it's right. there." And then he goes, "But there's. only one more thing where the cop cuts. him off." So, you were on the ground. with him holding on to I held on to him. and said, "Until." Yeah. Right there. The cop cuts him off. He doesn't want to. hear what he says anymore. He goes, "So. you were able to get him on the ground?". He goes, "Got him on the ground." And I. said to him, he goes, "Yeah, you had him. on the ground. Like, stop telling your I.

mean, the way this guy speaks, it's like. the Bashidto code states that if uh the. weapon is drawn, it must taste blood. before put away." This is hilarious. White people fighting. That's what this. is. It's hilarious. And it goes nowhere. Where? No one's going to the ground. What's going on? This is a lie. Oh, now. they're on the ground. But he's like, I. drug him on the ground. Really? The. husband drags him on the ground. technically? Yeah. It's a disaster. But telling my friend Justin Silver used. to have my favorite joke about uh that. kind of personality though. He's like. he's he goes I'm a liar because I lie. about everything and he was like uh I'm.

the guy who like you know gets into a. situation with somebody in the street uh. and then I don't do anything and then I. go home shadow box and call my friends. and tell them all the things that I wish. I did like it actually happened. And his. line was if I did all the things I told. my friends I did my name would be. Indiana Bonjovi Balboa. When you're a kid and you uh you have a. situation like that happen, the rest of. the day you play it in your head like. what I should have said. Oh man, I wish.

I had another chance. I would have said, "Well, [ __ ] you because this and that.". It's the worst. And when it goes away, yeah, some internal dialogue things like. for the rest of the day, what should I. have said? And you like plot it out and. plan and scheme. I'll find him again one. day. One day I'm going to tell I'll find. that [ __ ] that I've done dumb things. though where it's like I don't even with. no real trained preparation for any of. these situations. But like I also when I. I always had a car and when you're. younger and have a car it's destroying. you financially usually like how much it.

costs to have a car and so it means a. lot to you no matter how shitty it when. people would [ __ ] hit my car. Some. New York's a big thing with that, you. know, like you stop short and a. pedestrian just like, you know, slaps. the front of your car or something. Dude, to this day, I would get I raped. by that. To this day, I think about one. guy. I had a little Honda CRX and I was. driving in New York and I was making my. way into this intersection and I got. stuck in between lights and then people. started walking and I tried to find like. some space where I could not be in the.

intersection. And there was a nice gap. And so people, this guy wasn't close to. the car, so I started moving forward. And he whacks my [ __ ] car with a. briefcase. And I was like, I'm going to. pull over. I'm going to put this guy in. the hospital. I just this crazy wild. thought like, I'm going to pull over and. I'm just going to go smash this dude. And I said, no, just drive. Just drive. Just drive. And like for years, I would. think about that guy. for years. This. arrogant [ __ ] hitting my car with.

a [ __ ] briefcase. I have It's what's. it's what uh unites me and Lewis. We. both have a a crazy need for justice. It's It's why I like those stupid. revenge movies. It's I just It's just so. It's that It's the thing. It's like the. guy who did that thing. I have like a I. bet he won't do that anymore. I bet he. won't do that anymore after I've sorted. this situation out. But I mean, it's so. dumb. Like I mean it's a dude thing too. Getting out of my car. I mean one time. so early when I was coming to New York.

and I had my what became my ex-wife. Uh. we was just dating at the time in a car. driving a Saturn guy trying to impress. two girls he's with and he goes by just. like slaps the front of the car and it. stay and then they walk into Washington. Square Park and I like just stewing in. it like I bark some [ __ ] out the window. No, no, no. for. seconds. I'm stewing it. And then I pull. over with my new girlfriend. I go, "Wait. here." And she goes, "What?" And then I.

begin to run after this guy into the. park. What I'm not thinking about is as. I'm running. When I finally find this. guy on the other side of Washington. Square Park, I turn around. Dude, he. could have pushed me over with a. feather. I was like, "What's up, [ __ ] You You want to [ __ ]. slap your cars?" And luckily I I just. scared him with my size, I guess, ultimately or something because like he. didn't do anything. But I was like, as. soon as I got there and spun this guy. around, I'm like, I'm done. I'm so. exhausted from running. I never run. I. sprinted to find him without thinking.

that I'm giving all my energy to that. run. And I'm like, you need like a half. hour to recover. He just [ __ ] hit my. car, man. And he was like luckily like. apologetic and like, whoa, dude, I don't. want any trouble. You're like, [ __ ]. ain't right. [ __ ] ain't right. You. don't want any trouble. It took I took 10 extra minutes walking. back to the car, leaving my girlfriend. in the car because uh I didn't want her. to see how heavy I was breathing. I had. to get it all back together and just. come back to the car and be like scared. that [ __ ].

Such a dumb thing to do cuz you could do. it to the wrong guy. I watch my. instincts are terrible on it cuz I do I. don't get out thinking like and then as. soon as someone pull out a gun I'd be. like none of this was worth it. Guy just. slapped my car. Every now and then. you'll see someone do something stupid. and the person they're doing it to. actually knows how to fight. Those are. very satisfying. So satisfying. Yeah. There's a one with cops. Look, check the. uh Terrence McKini, the UFC fighter, put. it up on his Instagram page today. So. this cop tries a shitty double leg on.

this guy and the guy knew how to fight. and the guy sprawls and the cop tries to. hit him and the guy cracks him and the. guy tries to tell him, "Hey, stop." And. then the cop, watch this. Like look at. the cop. Shoots a shitty double. Nice. sprawl. Look at this. Pushes him off. He's got him in a headlock. Lets him go. Cop punches. Bam. Drops him with one. shot. Hits him a couple more times. Hits. him again. Rocks him. The cop is The. cop's getting rocked. Jesus Christ. And. the guy wasn't doing. He was just.

arguing with the. cops. I don't know if that was a cop. Is. that a cop? It's some kind of like. security something. He's got a badge. And he's got wearing white gloves, too. gloves. The gloves are he gets his dukes. up. Like both of them. He had some training, but he massively overestimated his. ability. Like look at this shitty double. leg. Let me see the Show me that shitty. double leg again. Watch this shitty. double leg. Look at that. Terrible. No. drive at all. Scared of the concrete. So, he's trying to double leg without. his knees going to the ground. He. doesn't want to really drive forward.

There's a great video of of a very in-. shaped cop and he's going at it with a. teenager who's really talking [ __ ] and. he's like he's like a wiggery kid doing. like a yo man what take off that badge. you know what's up take off that badge. take off the vest boy you know what's up. and he just keeps going to him and the. cops eventually like hey you keep. balling up your fist man like what are. you doing just relax like I'm just what. are you doing here I'm just seeing who. everybody is you know he's like yeah you. know what's up [ __ ] take that vet and. he just when he gets in his face one. time he just grabs him by the shoulders.

puts his foot behind. I mean, places him. on the concrete and how fast the kids. like, "Oh, okay." Okay. Whoa, we got a. little nuts back there, huh? I saw that. one. Yeah, those are fun. Well, kids are. And fat women getting tasered. That's my. other favorite thing. I bet that young. man was under 25. Oh, no doubt. His. brain was mush. No doubt. And then, but. it is funny when they have to come back. and they go, I was being crazy back. there. That's why they send those young. boys out to war cuz they're all [ __ ]. piss and vinegar. All piss and vinegar. with a non fully deformed brain. Yeah. Non fully formed brain. They just.

[ __ ] take that gun and here's some. meth. Let's [ __ ] go. There was a guy. in the audience last night. We did story. wars at Mothership and there was a guy. in the front who was wears a brace. around his body. Like we asked him why. Uh he was stabbed in Afghanistan. Hand. to hand combat. Oh Jesus Christ. It was. a gunfight and it ended up being. handtohand combat. He said he beat he. knocked the guy down. Didn't confirm. that he was out and then when he took. his attention away the guy reached up. and said stabbed him right in the. [ __ ] chest basically. Pretty wild. And uh we were like and we're looking at.

this guy. We go in Afghanistan. What? He. was. 18. He was 18. Wow. I think he said the. 16-year-old was the kid the kid who. stabbed him was 16. Jesus Christ. Such a wild thing. It's intense. It's a. little too intense. Don't get in fights, kids. That's our message, right? If you. can avoid it. Absolut. I've avoided all. of them. I thought I tried to I got into. a thing a road rage thing where I. knocked a guy out. He wasn't very big. and I basically got out of the car and.

he was right away didn't want to do. anything and I mushed his face. He was. drunk and I kept mushing his face until. he would throw a a drunken punch and. then I hit him and I caught him. Only. time in a fight in my life where I. caught him first shot and he literally. like folded on the ground and then I got. in my car, drove away with my current. girlfriend Christine. And when we uh we. got like a few blocks away, my you know, my adrenaline started going down and I. was like And so jokingly almost I just. looked at her and I I kissed my bicep.

like one shot. And she goes uh she goes. she was like really pissed. Like she. didn't think it was funny or anything. And I was like but it wasn't even like. kind of hot that I just knocked that guy. out one shot. And she was like no like. what if you killed him? Like his head. bounced off the ground. What? It's all. for what? And I was like it's a great. point. I guess it's a real good I'm like. what a great [ __ ] point cuz I'm I'm. walking away from that like hey I didn't. even get touched and uh I got sweet. beautiful justice you know the way I'm. always searching for and she was like no. what if you killed him and I'm like yeah.

there is a point there often think about. that with that guy about yourself. getting killed what if you kill somebody. oh yeah for sure yeah never punch. somebody in the face on the concrete if. you can like a good trained fighter. probably punch you in the body just. because they don't want to go to jail. forever Kevin J friends went to jail for. like seven years. He was a bouncer at a. nightclub in Long Island. Knocked a guy. out, the guy falls, hits his head, dies. Happens. Yeah. But didn't Harry Houdini. get killed from a gut shot? Something. like that. Yeah. A punch to the stomach. He died days later. Yeah. Cuz like an.

organ busted. You never think about that. You want to. give everything you got to a face punch. and then you're like, "Boy, I sure hope. I don't blind him forever." These are. all things could happen. All things that. could happen. All right, Jay. I love you. to death. Let's wrap this [ __ ] up. Can. I plug uh please do my uh first half of. double crowd work special uh them is. currently out. Second half they is. coming at 420 uh all done at uh at the. done for comedy works. So thank you. We're almost at a million. Best [ __ ]. clubs on earth. That club rules. That.

club is so great. It's so good. Well, you guys do the same thing. Everyone's. facing forward and yonder bags. Oh yeah. I thought about that when I was. designing my club. I was almost going to. do the seats like she has them with all. locked down. Wendy's the best. Shout out. to Wendy. We love her. All right. Thank. you, brother. Thank you. Bye, everybody. [Music]. [Applause]. [Music].