Joe Rogan Experience #1990 - Bert Kreischer

[Music]. by night. [Music]. Crusher I love you to death brother I. love you way more than you'll ever love. me and you know that I told you that. last night. that's a ridiculous thing to say to a. person you changed my life imagery you. changed mine too we changed each other's. lives we really did. I said that I just get too much credit.

it's uh all of us it's like we did it. all together. we all did it together without good. friends nobody really succeeds because. you don't. you don't appreciate it if it's just you. it's not it doesn't seem fair. it seems all [ __ ] up I I keep saying. to people you gotta surround yourselves. with the [ __ ] like you you got. you if you're talking about your friends. as if you're the top dog then you're.

with the wrong dudes someone said to me. you're always talking like you're not a. great comic that your friends are so. much better I go they are look who my. [ __ ] friends are are you [ __ ]. kidding me like my friends I surround. I'm I surround myself by people that are. way better than me and then I just. listen I don't I not listen a lot but we. all rise up together it's an old. expression the rising tide raises all. boats. it really does it's just it's good for. everybody it's like you want Killers.

right like we got into this because we. love comedy and now we're in it and when. you're in it it's so scary and it's so. weird and it's so chaotic and and people. are comparing themselves to other people. and it causes all this totally. unnecessary conflict yeah. and if you just remember why you got it. in the first place you got it in the. first place because you love to watch it. and then you did it and then you got. selfish and you start thinking about. yourself you start thinking about I want. to kill and I want to be better and I.

want to be the number watching where. other people are in their career how. come I don't have a 30 minute half hour. special people get upset with people. that they really don't have any conflict. with in real life but in their mind they. associate that person with something. negative because they feel bad when they. think about them because that person's. more successful than them it makes them. feel bad so they think that person's bad. it's like a weird selfish way of. thinking about stuff and every comic. used to have that back in the day dice. was talking about how every comic would.

[ __ ] every comic over and they would. like do something that would [ __ ] up. your set and he was talking about what. he did on on Dangerfield's uh young. comedian special that someone else on. the show wanted to wear a leather jacket. the day of a biker Jack like the same. jacket the dicewear yeah and Rodney's. stopped it he put the kibosh on it but. that Comics would always do that kind of. [ __ ] to each other other it was like. that when I started it's not like that. it's not it's way less like that now. like I feel like.

the amount of the amount of love I've. gotten from com comics. this these last couple weeks promoting. the movie The love I've gotten from them. has like made me feel good like I get. really nice texts from people even I was. telling you I'm a name drop right away. Chappelle was this [ __ ] sweetest guy. in the world he's the nicest guy of all. time he was the sweetest guy I really. wanted to meet that guy oh Joe I wanted. to meet him for so long because he's my. favorite he's like out of all the. comments when I moved to New York that I. could watch like it was Chappelle the.

way he did it it was like watching Jazz. right yeah and then and then a tell was. like almost like watching the [ __ ]. fish or like the dead and you're like. it's not Jazz I don't know what the [ __ ]. that is but it's totally different I. don't understand it yeah Hedberg was. like that those are the guys Geraldo. those were those Patrice right but. Chappelle was like the great white I. call I told him that I said you're like. a great white shark. yeah you don't see. like you you walk into a room and like. oh [ __ ] [ __ ] and he goes he was like. he's like man you he was very nice he.

goes you've always spoken very nice. about me and I was like yeah that's how. it works like when you're a cool person. people talk good about you yeah it. should be how it works but you know you. see people even talking [ __ ] about him. I've seen I've seen people talk [ __ ]. about him that are Comics it's like God. damn it. all right you know what it is it's you. said it earlier it's transactional it's. like they think that it's going to help. put them over yeah it's a weird thing. that we all do because social. interaction is very much like a game. sometimes there's like uh moves and and.

then there's counter moves and there's. like you're trying to like get a better. position and it's it's like a little. social wrestling match sometimes I've. seen people do it like like uh like when. you're a room full of famous people. there's a couple types of people there's. people that work the room and then. there's people like me who leave the. room because I go I go this is. overwhelming me okay this is too weird. I'm gonna get too drunk I'm gonna say. something [ __ ] up it's too weird. it's too weird. I know it's like God damn.

it's weird to be one it's where to be. around them. you know yeah it's like we've all known. each other for so long that like we know. each other. where it's like you know you meet. someone and they're already famous it's. like how much do they even let you in. you know like yeah it seems like a weird. life. it's funny I remember when uh all the. [ __ ] uh ever Mexican [ __ ] was going. on with you and Georgia was like sitting.

at the table and she's on her phone and. she goes oh my god do you know this guy. and I went yeah she goes really I said. you do too dummy she goes who is the. echo the guy with the chickens he goes. oh wait I like that guy I went yeah. you're looking at your phone like you. feel like and I think that's what. happens is like you look at like a. celebrity or someone and you brand them. with the thing that you think on the. outside I know I've been guilty of it I. talk [ __ ] about people before just. [ __ ] around just [ __ ] around. because you just don't think they'll. never hear it right like you know I'll.

give you a perfect one. uh I I used to say that I think I could. beat up uh style Bender if we were. drinking we had to drink the same amount. of beers and then get in a cage we each. had to drink 12 Beers and get in the. cage and and it was a joke it was a joke. I was [ __ ] around with Tommy I never. thought I never thought I'd meet style. Bender I never thought. that [ __ ] rolls up to my show in. New Zealand and and first of all he's. way bigger than you think. okay.

and he's and his hands are huge and. they're soft. foreign. the first thing he does Joe is he grabs. my arm to like that me up and he throws. a knee and he gabs me by the back of the. night he goes you still think you could. [ __ ] me up. and I'm like I'm so sorry I'm sorry but. you know what you know what. that guy is the coolest [ __ ]. like the coolest I mean he's one of my. [ __ ] where I go he treated.

everyone as if he wasn't the. middleweight champion of the world he. treated him as if he was just some guy. that was in the comic books and and into. into anime and he met Jared hash the. director of uh Napoleon Dynamite was at. my show and uh he geeked out he was like. oh you didn't bully and dynamite and. Jared Hess is going this is Israel I'm. sorry like holy [ __ ] and then and then. Joe. and. I Izzy I'm sorry if I tell to I talk too. much sometimes. we end up at a bar at like three in the.

[ __ ] morning and he is I'm faded I. don't know if he was drinking too much. at all I don't even know if he's. drinking. it and. but we get pretty we get pretty lit. in a bar at three in the morning in New. Zealand and he stands up and I stand up. with him back to back shirtless both of. us. and we challenge everyone in the bar to. office oh you have it. oh this is what are you challenging ever. in the bar.

who won it. what are you doing. challenging a bar to fight and this. isn't another country. Jesus Christ Bert we were [ __ ] dude. this [ __ ] is the coolest guy in. the [ __ ] world he goes he literally. is he stands up and he goes how who has. that he's one of the coolest guys that's. ever lived on his Twitter oh it's on his. Twitter oh [ __ ] look at this he goes he.

stands up he goes his first words out of. his mouth I'll kill. comes off I go I. ever seen Steve Harvey talk about his. wife. oh. that'll make you cry because I know how. you unless you love your wife. is his his wife's name is Marjorie. is I thought style Pender is doing a. Steve Harvey bit because Steve Harvey. has this moment where. he's doing an award show and he hears a.

song and he goes oh I'm having me a. moment and he goes That's our song and. then and then it's and it's it's a cool. moment he goes She's mine oh this is it. this is it this will make you cry man I. mean I get emotional watching this. and that's me and my wife's song too oh. I met her 86 87 when the song came out. then God gave her back to me in 2005.

I put her name on the back man for you. you understand me. that's mine right there. yeah I own you and you own me I will. kill everybody in here about your ass. please understand that about the way I. love you Marjorie Elaine you understand. me I kill everybody in here I swear to. God I thought he was doing I thought he.

was doing it because he goes ask the. Lord about me [ __ ] your [ __ ]. idiot. that's hilarious so you thought style. Bender was doing that because Leanne. sends me Steve Harvey clips and she just. sent him and I thought he must have seen. the clip it must be going viral oh I. thought he was doing style minute so I. go I can't have a [ __ ] in it. he's mine and I'm him. we started going I thought he was doing. Steve Harvey and so oh my God and then.

we start going table to table Joe we go. table to table challenging [ __ ]. who wants it look these look at these. big dudes behind him these big Samoan. guys we're like who wants it who wants. it and then I could have gone horribly. wrong I was challenging the female. tables exclusively what if there was. rugby players there or something he's. the middleweight champion of the world. I'm gonna stand my [ __ ] ground oh my. God that's so dangerous we ended up we. ended up buying the whole bar shots oh. that's good three times whoa filled him.

up [ __ ] around them up in a drunk place. it was and then he texted me the next. morning like like boom he's out he's out. he didn't I don't think he drinks up as. much as I do and that that dude I'll. tell you I'm a ride or die for him he. was the nicest we sat and talked we just. talked about like you know something. really important in life is celebrating. like celebrating victories I love the. way he does that I really do when he has. a victory he goes on like a celebration. tour and and I feel like the the.

universe universe then [ __ ] is set. right like. I I Leanne has a phrase It's called earn. your Mondays right so like I'm I'm gonna. get emotional telling this it's a cool. [ __ ] thing it's earn your Mondays it. means bust your ass all [ __ ] weekend. for us Comics all weekend all weekend. and do so well you earn your money you. have to pick up phone you don't have to. do a [ __ ] thing you can just [ __ ]. sit back in the cut and go I earned my. Monday like uh uh Amy Amy Schumer's.

movie train wreck did really well right. it's opening week and that's when the. inside of the first time she goes man. she earned her Monday I said what do you. mean she goes she did press for two. weeks leading up to this she's been. going theater to theater trying to help. sell tickets and it's done and it did. well she earned her Monday and and it's. a I think it might be in Scientology. like it might be a thing in Scientology. but what Izzy earns his Monday like when. after that fight the way he celebrates. life for like two weeks he goes out he's.

in Miami he's in New York he's in Vegas. he's in La he's in London like he does a. tour yeah I said to him I go that's. really inspirational like. or the the way that you look at life as. it needs to be and goes yeah you got to. celebrate you got to celebrate these. moments I think it's cool as [ __ ] where. do you see the [ __ ] Bender I'm going. on if my movie does well this weekend. you want to talk about how could you. ramp it up any more than you're already. doing it dude I I listen I'll tell you. what I'm going to rehab.

I want someone to chloroform me at the. premiere and I will wake up a week later. they go you moving to Great bird your. body's clean you've been hydrated you. slept. just keep you on a constant IV dude I I. need to say this real quick and right. now. everyone please go to movie theaters. this weekend and see my movie The. Machine please go out of the house buy a. ticket to a movie theater that is our. biggest challenge is getting people in. movie theaters so if you love me or. you've ever loved me you used to love me. you think I'm annoying as [ __ ] now.

whatever the [ __ ] it is just give me a. shot get out of the house and go see the. story that started on this [ __ ]. podcast I would have never told it on. stage if this man right here didn't say. you have to tell it on stage this is. your [ __ ] movie you need to know him. as the machine for now on call out his. name and shows make him tell that story. I I leaked the trailer on this movie was. gonna sit on the [ __ ] shelf yo you've. done so much for me do it for Joe guys.

do it for Joe do it for me prove that. he's the [ __ ] well I just think. it's a funny [ __ ] movie man it's a. good movie it's it's actually gonna be. fun it's a big action comedy that needs. to be seen on the big screen and and I I. and and I think it's I think people will. be surprised at how fun this movie is. it's it's just [ __ ] fun and I'm I've. been [ __ ] up promo I was telling you. I've been [ __ ] up promotion for it. because I'm way too honest I'm not an. actor like I'm just like they're like. what are the kissing scenes like and I'm.

like. rough. [Laughter]. we have one kissing scene. I didn't know I didn't know there was. kissing scenes in the movies I don't. read the action when I read the scripts. I just read the dialogue. so I don't read like you know hey uh. Bert comes back kisses his wife and. knocks her off her feet. I just go like oh there Leanne was in. Serbia and they were like hey you have a. kissing scene today I was like what and.

I'm like yeah your wife and I was like. shut the [ __ ] up. I was like is that cool and Leann's like. yes you're an actor I was like yeah but. I mean cheated on you and like ever like. ever kissed someone 20 [ __ ] years she. was like it's just acting and I was like. okay. all say is uh the pants I was wearing. were loose fitting and I don't wear. underwear. we did one take and I was like costume. change please. like what.

they're like they're like huh and I was. like I don't know what the [ __ ] are you. supposed to do you're supposed to kiss. someone and then just. like how the [ __ ] does that work. you ever kiss someone your body doesn't. know that it's just acting no no no no. how could it yeah. I did the first kiss my my wife. Stephanie is cool as [ __ ] we by the way.

I've talked with her and we've talked. about this a number of times. and she goes. you do the first kiss and I'm and I'm. like I don't know I'm I'm just like you. know and she's like hey you know really. go for it like really go for it I was. like for real he said yeah like try like. try to like knock me off my feet like. kiss me so I was like okay. not thinking about it. walk up boom and as soon as and then she. kissed back and I was like what the [ __ ]. is happening this is different holy [ __ ].

and then I'm like nah costume change. I need tape I need tape hey someone give. me ice. is that are you allowed to talk about. that you're not supposed to you're. supposed to say like you're supposed to. say here ask me where the kissing scene. was like what was the kissing scene like. you know I it was good it was I would. say it's just acting it's just acting. it's what we do as actors. okay which is true yeah well it is for. some people but it's also a [ __ ]. hardcore lie it's also why Brad Pitt. [ __ ] Angelina Jolie just because you.

make out with her a couple times you're. like that was [ __ ] nice I wonder what. it's like and then you're laying in bed. going hmm and Jennifer Aniston's texting. you like pass pass like [ __ ] Leanne. we did the kissing scene all day all day. I kissed this woman for like 30 minutes. 35 minutes kissed her like got. comfortable kissing her and then we got. in bed in Serbia and Leanne's like hey. you wanna I was like Beat It scissor. lips I was like I'm [ __ ] I'll come. back to you when I need to. oh wow rude. my wife's got good sense of humor I hope.

so yeah I had the whole [ __ ] I mean. the whole movie in general was like I. was not coming I ripped my [ __ ] arm I. blew my arm out but what does it like to. have a story get turned into a movie. that's got to be weird as [ __ ]. uh like a story that like you kind of. have to tell now. like if you do a show if you do a show. and you don't tell the machine story. people will get angry but they did it. last time I was here yeah we were up. here and they started chanting the. machines and I was like guys I'm at the.

comedy Mothership I'm just in an hour. 15. and that was the best that was one. of the cool that's the coolest thing. about that goddamn Club is I see [ __ ]. Ron up in the top and I go I'll tell. I'll tell the machine if Ron comes down. and tells tater salad and the place is. like Ron White's here and then and Ron's. like [ __ ] it I'm coming down Ron White. comes on stage tells tater salad I go to. tell the machine and realize I can't. follow tater salad. the best story ever told so it's surreal.

having your movie your life turned into. movie it's surreal like it is like it. was emotional at times and then it's and. then it's weird because you you feel I. feel very vulnerable you know like. because some of the questions people ask. they're like uh they're not they don't. they like they take they put teeth in it. they're like so you rob people and. you're like okay. so you approve of what the mafia does. you're like into the mafia and I'm like. you're keeping your eyes open while we. kiss let's [ __ ] just make it regular. a Good Morning America.

foreign. so they got upset with the premise. they were just like they like they they. read half of it and then they're like so. you you're in the mafia and you're like. no it's a little more complex but no but. you like got welcomed into the mafia and. you're like. yeah like that kind of it's better when. you hear the whole story I think I tell. it a little different and they're like. and you robbed your friends are they. cool with you now and I'm like yeah yeah. some of them are coming to the premiere. like [ __ ] Jesus Christ let's can we.

move to the next subject. I don't believe in vaccines. oh my God. yeah it's been it's been interesting. it's been fun I'll tell you what's been. really fun is finding out just how. why this story has reached like I didn't. expect certain people to be like fans of. mine like and I I know that sounds like. bad but like.

you're always like when you look at your. audiences they my audience kind of looks. like the same one thing guys that have. chicks that are hotter than they deserve. they all have beards they're all a. little overweight like that's my fan. base. I like I literally go hey man I can tell. you the sponsors I can get from my tour. Lipitor would be a good sponsor some. blood pressure medicine some beard. trimmers not liberatory I know we're. talking about statins but. um but like I know like I know my fan. base and then you get like dudes who are. like I [ __ ] love you and like like.

big boy from Big Boys neighborhood I was. like you know who I am he was like yeah. why wouldn't I I was like I don't know I. just didn't think you know like Nori. from drink Champs he's like dude I'm the. he goes I told my wife we you get we got. my favorite comedian coming on and she's. like you mean the big fat white guy with. the takes his shirt off and you're like. wait when you're younger you try so hard. to appeal to all demographics almost. like you want it's like fake and then. once you're yourself. you're truly yourself that's when you. appeal that's when you're the most.

appealing does that make sense it does. make sense yeah because it's hard to do. it's hard to do publicly yeah it's hard. to be you know yourself publicly. especially when you're promoting a movie. about yourself to be yourself publicly. you start understanding like Joaquin. Phoenix oh my God for sure you start. going like yeah I don't wanna like. like. secret time uh I suppose this will air. if this will it'll be fine the premieres. tomorrow I'm flying back tonight for the.

premiere the premiere list is [ __ ]. thick it's [ __ ] thick this guy. [ __ ] it's like it's my algorithm it's. Snoop Dogg porn stars and [ __ ] radio. DJs. couple Pro servers like it's my. algorithm I watch dealer the. um but uh. like Mark Hamill was like are you gonna. stay for the and watch the movie and I. was like are we not supposed to he's. like I'm not gonna watch myself on. screen and I was like why and he's like.

oh are you being serious he's like you. want to just you're gonna sit in front. of 750 people and watch yourself. and I was like I was like hey Mark. secret time I'm gonna cry watching. myself I'm gonna cry and I'm gonna mouth. my my lines I did that when we did the. first testing of the movie they sat me. in the front row I had two bottles of. wine I sat with Leanne I had a notebook. I was supposed to write things in for. notes the movie starts and I start. bawling crying I start bawling crying. and I start mouthing my lines I'm.

laughing hysterically I'm like I love I. loved watching me more than a narcissist. whatever like it was like the craziest. thing so we go to the next screening and. uh kale our producer pulls me aside and. goes I'm gonna ask you to sit in the. back. I said what he goes it kind of affect. the way people watch the movie so what. do you mean he goes I don't know if. they're [ __ ] crying like it's Cape. Fear but gay he goes [ __ ] sit in the. back so and the next time I sat in the. back but I get emotional watching the. movie because I feel like. I feel like I'm watching a highlight. reel like I remember doing all these.

things and then they're all cut cool and. so I was like I don't know I guess um I. don't know I think I watched the movie I. guess I would. no Mark's not gonna watch it secret time. well that's not very secret and I get. both perspectives like you made it why. it seems weird that he would like. he's trying to like enforce that on you. no no he was just like he was like. you're cool with that like I've heard a. few people like like there are people. like do you listen to your own podcast.

no okay I can throw on it but I I might. if it's like uh if like it's a huberman. podcast or one of those ones where I'm. gonna try to implement whatever they're. talking about yeah so maybe with those I. would listen to it again just to try to. remember yeah and write [ __ ] down you. know because he he gives you so many. different like beneficial things it's. like you have to kind of go back and. write them down and try to keep track of. them like there's certain people who can. listen to their own part like I can.

throw on an old two bears from during. the pandemic and I will it can it'll. like it's like a warm blanket like I. remember that day I remember that like. it's fun so I'm gonna I'm gonna sit and. watch myself in the movie theater I want. to hear I want to see 750 people why not. yeah right yeah. dude it's just weird that people would. think that that's weird. it's like of course you want to see your. movie yeah well you want to see people. see your movie too they said to me when. are you getting to the red carpet and I. said well the movie starts at seven the.

red carpet opens at three so maybe like. 2 30 and they're like wait what do you. mean I go what's my it's a premiere of. my movie I want to be on the red carpet. as long as I can and they're like no you. need to show up at like six o'clock and. then you're the last one on and I wait. wait I'm gonna miss all the people like. I thought I'd be like hey welcome to the. red carpet you know like I'm still gonna. see you oh [ __ ] give them hug and see. people and they're like no you're you're. in a movie now you need to be like and I. was like oh that's not how I'm gonna do. it so I changed the red carpet. I changed it really yeah I [ __ ] just.

changed it I was like that that's not. how we're doing it we're doing it like. Waste Management it's a [ __ ] party. people are drinking beers fans have. access let's [ __ ] throwback and I'm. gonna be here the whole time I'm gonna. [ __ ] host it I don't give a [ __ ] like. I'm a [ __ ] party if if Snoop Dogg. comes walking on the red carpet you. don't think I'm gonna run over take a. picture with him. come on you know me Joe I am not I am. not I'm not I'm not like a play it cool. guy I'm not a play cool guy I don't know. how to play it cool I do it the way I do. it I like it you only get one run at. this [ __ ] life yeah also like [ __ ].

Planet cool dude just be whoever you are. do you know what it was I was I've been. trying to work this as a bit a little. bit but I can't. um. I I had a weird morning I don't know no. shade on anybody had a weird morning. where I worked out with Arnold. Schwarzenegger and I ran into Edward. Norton at breakfast within an hour like. in Santa Monica was really crazy now I. watched two arguably movie stars movie. stars Arnold Schwarzenegger and Edward. Norton interact in public Edward no.

one's cool as [ __ ] he's dude Fight Club. one of my favorite movies ever the one. where he plays the two the guy with the. two accents that's [ __ ] he's an. awesome dude. but when I recognized him and I gave him. energy like when I recognized him you. just see him just be like uh-huh yeah. okay cool like just kind of like. Arnold Schwarzenegger when he gets. recognized he gives you he matches your. energy he gives you the thing you want. the moment you want when he comes up on. TV and people go I met Arnold.

Schwarzenegger they go how was he not. one per one there's maybe I'm sure. there's people that say bad things but. like everyone I met when I watched him. interact with people. [ __ ] loved him he was the coolest. dude he was you know what he was Joe he. was like a movie star he was like a like. he brought the like 1980s hey ah it's. good to see you hey Bart come here let. me tell you I'm better accents please. like can I just tell you I think with. some sensitive people I think your happy.

fun guy energy sometimes throws people. off. yeah I gotta get out of here yeah. because you're like oh my God it's. [ __ ] at Norton I went like this. though. yeah exactly like dude that guy can't. handle that hey poor guy was like he's a. really nice guy I had him on the podcast. it was he's really interesting for real. yeah yeah yeah dude he's a he's the he. is he's my Hulk he's the best Hulk he's. the best Hulk the best Hulk he's the.

best Hulk yeah he's the best Hulk that. movie where he does the dude with two. accents you know but that Mark Ruffalo. Hulk is pretty [ __ ] good too pretty. [ __ ] good I wouldn't mind yeah he's a. [ __ ] toss-up dude it's a toss-up and. the Avengers oh my god when Leanne. dumped me when Leanne dumped me I. watched Fight Club on repeat over and. over and over and over and again when. they play The Pixies at the end of the. [ __ ] movie where is my mind and he. said. and the bowling buildings are crumbling. yeah ednore is my [ __ ] he's a. dude I love that guy but you're right my.

energy might have [ __ ] freaked him. out I freaked out Tom Cruise's real bad. he probably freaked people out man he. probably freaked people out you got a. lot going on there's a lot happening. it's all positive but it's like for some. people it's like there's too much. sensory input here yeah I gotta get out. of here Leanne says I cast a large wake. that's a good way of putting it that's a. healthy way of putting it yeah it was I. had it was really tough doing the movie. because everyone was [ __ ] Eastern. European. and my sense of my sense of humor is not.

Eastern European. did they understand no no no they. thought they the words I guess when you. I'm look I'm not an expert but the words. in like in the Slavic language or. whatever they speak in Serbia to explain. me the words they use are like. unpredictable. um explosive like I think those are the. words that you would use that. personality and they're also like. like uh like there was a scene in the. movie with my my co-star that is in.

order to do it she had to be put into. like a cast and like she couldn't move. and she wasn't comfortable doing it with. me because the words to describe me are. he's unpredictable you don't know what. he's going to do I think in English I. just think our this is a horrible thing. to say but I think our language is more. slangy so we get things a little easier. I know when I was in Russia they didn't. have a lot of slangs like that wasn't. their thing because you know in the. communist government you want to make. sure your words mean what you say right. so they don't like that's why it's funny.

when I said I was the machine because. it's they don't it's very that's it's. like the craziest thing you'd say to. someone you're a car. and then you're like yeah and then he's. a car he's a machine he's the machine. like it was just funny that I would say. that because they don't slangs aren't. their thing so she didn't want to do the. scene with me oh isn't yeah isn't that. ex doesn't that mean car yeah in Russian. yeah yeah la michina right and and I. just walked in the door and said I'm a.

car that's isn't that it's in that's in. John Wick too yeah I think it might he. calls the dude up says you have La. machina. you have my my car remember that's the. the scene where he's got the [ __ ] 69. Mustang dude let me tell you something. Keanu Reeves. that's the [ __ ] when you after. you do an action scene and then you. watch John Wick you're like uh that's. learning the ballet like that guy those.

things he does in that movie they're. they are. I would argue I would it would be cool. like someone like you who's into martial. arts and knows how to use his body I'd. be interested to see you go that would. be a cool thing to see you do one of the. John Wick sequences. like would you does that interest you at. all there's like badass sequences that. he does. like movies no no no no no just like. just for like to fun like you know we go. out and we shoot with Taryn uh-huh and. like we learn the John Wick guns and.

stuff right if they had a class where. you could just go hey man for like this. week we're going to teach you a John. week sequence just to just see if you. can learn it because it's really it's. very complex a very simple fight scene I. punched like three dudes on our movie. because I don't I just am not I get over. excited and I just would punch him and. but they were like cage fighters so. they're like I don't give a [ __ ] just. hit me if I'd rather you hit me then it. not look good right. but that what John what John Wick does I. couldn't do that.

it's like. somersaults and sliding your leg. underneath people's legs to to leverage. them that's no in the especially in the. first movie look at this in John Wick. won that scene where he goes through the. Disco the red circle club that [ __ ]. scene is insane yeah I mean but here's. what's weird about it. look. I love that movie yeah. but why. it's the sexy assassin that you root for.

the whole thing's like have we forgiven. his past where he worked for the Russian. mob and killed how many [ __ ] people. that didn't deserve to be killed like he. was the guy you sent in to kill people. it's the weirdest sort of hero that's. ever existed so because it's so. satisfying because they killed his puppy. no it's one of the [ __ ] greatest.

scenes you stole a girl in a movie that. sets sets up what the movie is about. when the Russian guy is talking to his. son and he punches his son and he said. what I stole a [ __ ] car and he. punches his son in the stomach and then. he he pops open the liquor and he goes. my son is not what you did it's who you. did it too yeah and he goes who that. [ __ ] nobody and he just goes that. [ __ ] nobody. John Wick.

John week it's one of the greatest. [ __ ] scenes. how how the movie's gonna set up it's a. nice jacket. thanks yeah. come on. look like in this see you're going what. the [ __ ] is going on yeah should I go. yeah. there you go English please God damn it. what did I do.

um. we did what you asked no one saw [ __ ]. I'm not talking about Atlantic City you. know what. you mean so I stole a [ __ ] car.

it's not what you did son with angers. before. it's who you did it to oh. the [ __ ] nobody. that [ __ ] nobody.

dude what a cool [ __ ] scene what a. [ __ ] cool scene look at this oh. [ __ ] I didn't realize this my movie's. not this good Joe it's not this good the. sexy assassin you just look at his body. you just look awoken the sexy assassin. my movie might be the exact opposite. this is [ __ ] the scene gets even. better. you get the whole thing is the thing. when they explain who John Wick is. keanuism that dude that [ __ ] movie.

was so fun but it's like why is that fun. why do you root for him why are you. rooting for this guy to just kill. everybody over his dog yeah it's like. just to get to this one guy to get the. revenge. that guy is the same guy from Game of. Thrones. yes he plays a bad guy that's so good. yes he does the Game of Thrones. character oh my God that I don't I may. have a hard time ever seeing him as. anything else than the guy that ate his. dick on Game of Thrones.

spoiler alert. are you a Game of Thrones guy loved it. dude were you a house of dragons guy I. love both me too yeah they're great I. love that they're both great yeah oh. they're so fun they're both really good. I mean it's just you can't fault it it's. super solid I think it takes a long time. to make one of those though dude you. know those that has got to be like Game. of Thrones it must be like one of the. most complex shows to ever choreograph.

and film The CGI and it's a movie you're. making a movie every week yeah. man the the woman that plays Cersei and. that is so beautiful she's just like. I mean one is just just a stunning I've. gone I've gone to her like like Googled. her name I forgot her name but you have. Googled her and just looked at pictures. of her she's got a little space between. her teeth come on man quit with the. [ __ ] fix and what you think is your. fall flaws are so [ __ ] sexy Vlogs are. Leanne fixed one of her flaws and I.

[ __ ] hate it she had a little hole. like a dilated poor hole right here on. her cheek and I loved it I [ __ ] loved. it it made her look unique I loved it. and a little crooked tooth. oh whoa let's stop talking about my wife. holy [ __ ] Jesus Bert Lena head please. let's keep it together Bert. yes beautiful ladies she was in [ __ ]. 300. um. that's right she is 300 was a [ __ ].

yeah I'm not one of those. like I'm not I couldn't do like I. couldn't do other people's movies I. could just I just want to be a movie. star. I want to do fat astronauts if this. movie does what hey guys if the machine. does well this weekend we're getting a. green light on fat astronauts Monday. well I think it's going to do awesome I. hope it does I hope it does I hope it. looks fun. everybody's gonna love it it's gonna be. a good time go out to the movie theaters. everybody go to the machine dot movie. get your tickets and go enjoy the movies.

this weekend. how many movie theaters got hit real. hard because the pandemic uh must be. most of them right yeah what really. sucks are the mom and pop ones like so. there's the mom and pop ones usually in. like uh Asian communities that do Asian. films you know like for you know like uh. I know there's one in Korea I just read. an article about that uh is fighting to. stay around because it does it's it's in. Little Korea or Koreatown and it just. does and it's a mom and pop like their.

concession stand looks like you're. you're at a concession stand like in a. ballpark like a like a little league. ballpark and those I think those are the. ones that took the big hits because they. they do have high rents because they're. big spaces but they don't have a company. behind them to support them right that. makes sense Kevin Smith just bought the. movie theater that he used to go to as a. kid oh really what's that ah [ __ ] I. don't listen well you said it it was in. uh Jersey right yes in Jersey yeah it. used to be a two-screen now it's a. five-screen I'm saying something we're. gonna do a screening of the machine out.

there and I think this coming month. Kevin Smith was one of the first guys to. figure out to do he like had a theater. to do his podcast and remember we just. did a two bears me and Kevin uh like he. was a guest bear. he. [Laughter]. um. he walked me through it and it's funny. to hear him talk about podcasting and. what he was doing because then I I I I. it's almost like imagine if our two. timelines were like this but he was.

doing it like 10 years before that like. doing theaters doing his podcast doing. that and then all of a sudden he's like. and then and then Corolla got his. podcast I'm like wait wait hold on you. were doing theaters and stuff and he was. talking about the money they were. getting at those times was like he was. doing it for free at colleges and didn't. know you could get paid to do it. no kidding yeah Kevin Smith man. he said he goes what because you know. he's like complimenting me that I was. doing well he goes what's the secret and. I go the secret is watch what Kevin. Smith did 10 years ago and start doing.

it today. he's a badass dude he's a very cool guy. he changed him in that group changed. Cinema. forever I mean they created that whole. independent filmmaking in in like 95 97. or something they certainly were a big. part of it you know independent. filmmaking has always been real. interesting because every now and then. there's a great [ __ ] movie that you. just don't hear about yeah because. someone made it on a shoestring budget. and they pieced it together with their.

uncle's money and. did you ever see the movie Run Lola Run. no Joe. what's it about Bert it's about a. [ __ ] chick. who just runs. just all day. she's got to get from point A to point B. to like save her boyfriend or something. and she gets a phone call is this hang. on this all this is so wait what play. from the beginning so we can see what. the thing is.

okay. every second. of every day. you make a choice. can change your life.

okay. and she has to get from point A to point. B and she runs the whole way there but. stuff happened in between and it's oh. yeah her husband's robbing someone I. guess. it's a [ __ ] it's a foreign film that. you literally are like on the edge of. your seats it's a [ __ ] one of those. movies where you're like small budget. just [ __ ] good like they exist just. probably hard to publicize them probably.

hard to find but you know then there's. also small budget movies that are. terrible that are awesome too like. Franco like really really bad movies are. [ __ ] amazing because if they're not. trying to be funny but they are funny. yeah like sometimes like what was the. one the the room the room yeah one James. Franco and Seth Rogen that's right yeah. that's right I mean how crazy bad does. the movie have to be where people make a. movie about your movie about how bad it. was yeah. oh.

but that can happen those are great too. I love me a bad movie. I really do there's some of them are. just so enjoyable oh yeah like a like a. like I love the uh what was the movie I. used to love growing up that I was like. it's just oh uh like clueless how about. Roadhouse oh dude Roadhouse is one of. the best bad movies of all time he grips. his throat out of his neck by the river. it's the [ __ ] it's so goofy blade.

right boot every Everything is Awesome. about it everything pain don't hurt. everything is awesome he walks around. with his own record transcripts of his. of his of his injuries wow you've been. cut up. injuries he brings a folder with another. folder with him. [ __ ] hot he's hot as [ __ ] that's. how the doctor falls in love with the. sexy bouncer it's [ __ ] amazingly. stupid movie. and Patrick Swayze he's so beautiful. he's so beautiful wait they're remaking.

it with Conor McGregor you know that yes. yes. and Jake Owen Hall. look this is [ __ ] stupid movie. look at his hands. adults. what do you want to kiss and make up. Jesus Christ.

had one fat guy that was like their. tough guy yeah I mean they're all. stabbing each other and [ __ ] oh it cuts. him. this is stupid. it just everything look kind of corny. and fake like compare that to like an. action scene. in a really good movie.

oh yeah especially now I think people. don't tolerate this kind of like. obviously choreographed fake violence. anymore just looks a little too corny. yeah but back then it didn't seem corny. it was amazing back then like back. there's so many movies that when we were. kids we're like this is a great movie. and you're watching daddy like Jesus. sucks this movie sucks because you think. they're so good because the culture has.

evolved it's moved into like a new. Direction so it's done that with comedy. too like you like the comedies that we. like yeah you watch them now and they're. like horrifically racist so many of them. are Tran look [ __ ] we were talking. about uh uh Ace Ventura it's it's a. crazy transphobic Dan Marino throws up. because he's made out with a dude. it's so crazy there is a complete this. is where the trans people should spend.

their time getting rid of a [ __ ]. movie because they see the dick in the. back of the pants and they all throw up. and it's Sean Young who's yeah gorgeous. beautiful feet. so look. boy that's really on there. this scene is so crazy yeah this is. great this is the city's like he just.

rips our shirt apart imagine that scene. today. you get rid of. big old. stir kanesh. she's hit her bra and panties in her bra. he's ripping her clothes off in front of. everybody. in a comedy and she's just standing. there for some strange reason look Dan. Marino look at Dan Marino excuse me. first day is like a cartoon character.

you're like frozen in the video game. right. yeah she's seeing birds and stuff like. steamed colleague Mr Mourinho. has just brought some new evidence to my. attention now. only shown that even the most intuitive. criminal investigator can be wrong from. time to time but if I am mistaken. if the lieutenant is indeed a woman as. she claims to be then my friend.

she is suffering from the worst case of. hemorrhoids I have ever seen. that's why. the tuck Mr winkies. they're all throwing up everyone's. throwing up it's throwing up everywhere. the Dolphin's freaking out. uh. this is a crazy scene oh that's how much.

culture has changed that culture that's. that's how much for my lifetimes yes. that's in our lifetimes this is 94. yeah. 94 man 94. I mean. we were watching uh with the girls one. time 16 Candles do you remember that. movie Molly Ringwald yes. in it. they have the donger long dug dong. remember the Asian guy yes and all all. sexy girlfriend I mean they he got in.

trouble I I think I think woke culture. actually came after him for doing I. think what they call yellow face of like. acting up the the Asian guy oh wow yeah. and then they go to the party Jake's. girlfriend this my girls are watching. this Jake's girlfriend passes out she's. too drunk and he gives her to the Nerds. you guys take her for the night have fun. with her here's my dad's car Anthony. Michael [ __ ] her he [ __ ] her that. night she's drunk she doesn't remember. it and they don't remember it they [ __ ]. that is that's that's one of the plot. lines the section is Jake's a senior in.

high school she's 16. like there's it's so problematic that my. daughters couldn't enjoy it and I go. just [ __ ] let go of it like just. watch the [ __ ] thing. and they're like Dad the girl's drunk. someone should help her they cut her. hair. and you're like oh yeah that doesn't. look cool yeah it's weird what people. used to think was acceptable before it. was depicted in the media Revenge of the. Nerds the dude rapes her he puts on her. boyfriend's clothing and rapes her rapes.

her. I don't remember that. at the end she's like in a bounce house. with the lights off she's in a bounce. house he grabs they do they're at the. talent Fair he grabs the mask his boy. her boyfriend's mask the girl he's. attracted to puts it on and he he was he. pretends to be Darth Vader he pretend. it's really her he follows her into the. into the crazy with all the mirrors they. land on the bounce house she's like take. the mask off and he's like no I'm gonna. leave it on and then he [ __ ] her she. doesn't know it's him he [ __ ] her and. then they get done and he takes the mask.

off she goes that was you and he's like. yeah she's like it was so good so that. that no that's just so we're talking if. we're gonna play by the rules let's play. by the rules okay that that groomed. every child. to to see that that if you can sneaky. [ __ ] a chick but you did it good. if you could rape her but you did it. good then look. you don't remember this no no no leave. it leave it on. wow.

that's that's [ __ ] up what year was. that it's got to be 84. sounds right uh. I don't see a year right here. that was like I mean don't even start. with porkies yeah let's take the same. time period yeah. that was like and that was greenlit by. Executives that's a good scene 84 is. correct good [ __ ] scene. 1984. that's how much the world's. changed.

crazy insane and you're more and you're. just talking about fight scenes. but that's we're talking social. commentary that's out there. yeah it's just it's we're we're just. talking about like the way things are. depicted in life like you could never do. that in a comedy Now imagine if somebody. tried to recreate that we we uh. at one point making the movie I said to. the I'll say I say I said it to no one. so no one ever gets in trouble because I.

know I know that what I do is not love. what the Studio's like right when I talk. I just talk to honestly so I don't know. the [ __ ] thing you're supposed to say. I said we [ __ ] up to someone I said we. [ __ ] up we should have nudity in this. movie like we definitely should have had. nudity like that was a [ __ ] because. all the great old school comedies had. one gratuitous nude scene right you know. uh back to school Rodney dangerous field. opens the [ __ ] curtain and the girl. with the most beautiful body shower and. he goes hey excuse me and then close. them he goes ah and opens it again it's. a great [ __ ] scene in the movie right. right I go we missed we [ __ ] up.

and they're like. I go can we have some of these chicks to. like get naked and they're like that's. definitely not I was like well how did. it work but you made movies back in the. day and they're like well back then it's. different We're not gonna just walk. around and go hit is anyone want to take. their top off for the scene and you're. like oh yeah I guess you can't like you. just and it's a weird thing it's like. it's just weird how much culture has. shifted so quickly yeah like relatively. quickly because I don't think that. before mass media social media it was.

mass media first and then social media. till people more and more communication. about the way people act and behave you. used to just have films that depicted. all sorts of [ __ ] like that and people. just accepted it so like was that a part. of normal society back then like at what. point like we gotta think about how. few Generations removed we are from. barbarians like really like really. horrific people for what we've got three.

thousand years four thousand years like. well how far back you have to go to. where life is just hell it's not that. many thousands of years I think 1700s. yeah. I mean I mean if we're talking about. loss of freedom and free will you look. at World War One World War One was a. barbaric [ __ ] trench war that was. that was it was that the trench war yeah. it was a trench warfare and that was. like that was like kids and then World. War II was a generation of kids that. felt like they didn't go to war so they.

got bummed out they're like I wanted to. go to war with like my dad not knowing. what war was and now we're the place. where you're like okay only the Savages. go like us soft boys I I could not I'm. not a Jocko I'm not a green girl if I. agree with that what do you mean about. World War II World War II no no I don't. it's 100 accurate the German generation. the German generation feel like feels. like they that was what brought about. World War II was a whole generation of. kids feeling like we need a war we. didn't get a war. yeah yeah if you watched the beginning.

of all quiet Western Front I don't know. if you saw that new movie I did watch it. not with the subtitles that's the. beginning I mean that's still World War. one but all those kids are just mad that. they're not gonna maybe go the war is. ending and they're like [ __ ] We're not. gonna get the fight We're not gonna get. the fight it's kind of our head is like. even in the Marines yeah he's so mad he. doesn't get to shoot his gun. but how crazy are people I mean World. War II is actually getting upset that. you you don't get a chance to go to war. but okay yeah but no we can say that I. know but that's but then that's. ingrained in our head how crazy is that.

my my grandfather was the exact opposite. can you imagine if we'd stayed here. can you imagine if we didn't go and that. was my grandfather that's just that's. just right there and then came back the. worst shell shock you could ever [ __ ]. imagine storm the beaches in Normandy. Jesus the question is and I never I. never found this out what day. because I think this I think the the. real bad one was that first day when.

they go and then I think they made some. advancements and I I don't know much. about history I listen to History. Podcast but I don't really pay attention. but I just it put me to sleep well. that's a good one to think about because. Jesus [ __ ] Christ is out a crazy. store in human history the idea people. just running at people with guns people. with guns running at people with guns. like. foreign. just loss of free will that someone. would go go and you couldn't be like no.

my name's Bert and I don't I haven't. fallen in love yet right and I want to. I wanted my life right right I'm gonna. stay here I don't want to go in there. because people are dying and I see. people dying right and why are we here. well I don't know why I'm here if I'm 18. years old do you think I truly grasp why. I'm here yeah do you think I truly. understand what manipulation has been. put into place that allowed giant groups. of men with guns to run at other giant. groups of men with guns like what is the. real problem.

they they talked about so in World War. II there was one Christmas where the. German soldiers started singing American. Christmas carols on Christmas. and silent night I think and then the. Americans started singing with them and. then they had this in. obviously remember I'm Bert I'm not a. [ __ ] historian so don't light me up. on this but like this is how I heard it. and in that moment they had a ceasefire. the the soldiers had a ceasefire and it. sent the [ __ ] kernels through the. roof because they're like we're losing.

[ __ ] control and they said any person. seen not fighting or seen extending like. they had to get letters to from one side. to another side for from the from the. [ __ ] people that were kept in camps. right okay thank you thank you I'm so. sorry I talk out of my ass I don't know. what I'm saying but it is true the truce. of 1914. it was World War One wow. wow and then they said all right here's. the deal anyone's seen trying to [ __ ]. have a truce you get killed we kill you.

because we need you to kill them. what a crazy thing to do and then go. back to killing each other didn't they. have truces too to play soccer games. didn't they do that as well I think that. was a Sylvester Stallone movie no I. think that really happened I think there. was like there was. see see what the [ __ ] that is. same when I type it in I typed in World. War One soccer too since it shows up as. the Christmas trees then maybe they had. oh so maybe during that okay that's what. yeah they did a soccer game during that.

okay that makes sense imagine you just. go right back to killing each other. those Wars befuddle me like the the idea. that. that America would and I understand but. America would just get involved. you know I I like well they're all it's. all weird man because you don't know the. full story unless you shoot you gotta. delve into it read all accounts buy all. parties pro and con you gotta really. sort through it to figure out what's.

propaganda and what's real I got really. into I got really into World War II for. a period of time both the Pacific and. the European uh I guess because they're. called theaters or whatever I'm obsessed. with Winston Churchill he's just a he's. a fascinating man [ __ ] fascinating. man dude I gotta pee so bad go pee let's. let's uh let's pause this for a brief. moment of course yes sir all right that. was World War II now um my favorites. ceasefire is during World War One they.

they had a ceasefire with uh. was it the Russians and who was it was. it it was the I think it was the. Russians the Germans. they had a ceasefire and it was because. of wolves so many people were killed. I've heard you talk about this yeah who. what were the two groups I always [ __ ]. this up I know one group was the. Russians. Russians and Germans right so they had a. ceasefire because so many of their. soldiers are getting killed by wolves.

that's uh and that's so funny I tried a. joke last night about. what's wrong with Germans is they don't. have any predators. [Laughter]. they did back then they did at least. when they tried going into Russia but. could you imagine you have an enemy. that's invading you and you agree we. need to bond together and kill this. other enemy that is not human that I. think that's a problem and then we go. back to killing each other it's a plot. of Predator he is kinda I mean this is.

such a crazy story. parties of Russians and German Scouts. met recently and were hotly engaged in a. skirmish when a large pack of wolves. dashed on the scene and attacked the. wounded have you ever seen the video of. the cop going to give a parking ticket. and the [ __ ] 50 wolves run down the. street I don't think that's real. oh for real yeah I don't think that's. real do you know what I'm talking about. Jamie Russian copies. he gets in their car and the wolves run. by them Jamie will find out if it's real.

think someone told me that was CGI oh. speaking of CGI I don't want to change. all of our stuff but I don't know if it. is CGI though I really want to find out. my UFO thing from last week did you see. that oh the Jeremy Corbell thing I. didn't see Jeremy Corbell post it but I. saw a post of like five videos I'll show. in this [ __ ] object in the sky yeah. this is over a military base yeah yeah. yeah apparently like 50 people filmed. this thing so this is this is the yeah. this is the Russian one so watch. oh that bums me up the cops is over here.

he's talking and then these wolves are. running by I don't I don't know if. that's real man looks pretty real it. looks very real um the only way so much. Shadows are perfect yeah but they maybe. yeah wow if they do a time lapse yeah. there's just two videos they put over. each other like those wolves did run. down that street but every time those. cars really right but wait wait I see. what you're saying so wait go back to. him getting in the car are there no the. wolves are there. he's reacting to them yeah. but that could be an actor.

I don't know they're not reacting to the. cars is that what I'm saying right but. the wolves are just running right if. they're not used to being around cars. but the cars are reacting to them that. car pulls over to the to the left to. avoid the walls yeah I think that's real. man. watch how the car reacts here's the. other thing I'm looking at that's the. last uh it'll be hard to fake is the. headlights from this car should be. giving an extra Shadow on these wolves. coming this way and it looks like it's. only from the street light. see there's no Shadow coming this way.

interesting which means that those cars. weren't there when the Wolves were there. maybe sort of depending on where the. beams hit right it would be an. interesting I mean it would be an. interesting person that spent their time. doing that yes forensic person like. who's the analyzer yeah. I did uh I went to Reddit and did a. Reddit uh AMA yeah I've never been on. Reddit I've never been on Reddit read it. [ __ ] read it's like a [ __ ]. rattlesnake to me I don't hate it but I. don't get near it I respect it I just.

don't [ __ ] get bit because I hear. like like Mark Norman lives on Reddit. like he'll he'll tell you stuff going on. with you that you didn't know he did it. last night he was like hey did you hear. the thing that Ireland I'm like hey man. you can't talk to me about that stuff I. don't I don't watch that stuff but I. went into Reddit and I thought it was. going to be all like Q Anon people right. it's regular human beings. just regular human beings beautiful. women hey trap bird it's a trap they're. gonna suck you in they're gonna suck you.

in you're gonna be there every day and. then they're gonna go after you what are. those things. you want one. I'll be addicted immediately oh okay I'm. being addicted immediately unless unless. it will help me quit drinking and then. I'll [ __ ] do it in a heartbeat. um. you know. there's a lot of evidence that nicotine. is actually good for you that's what. Andrew huberman said smoking is the best. thing you do for your life no Andrew. huberman said isolate this no I'm. kidding no no no no no no no wait have. you ever been on the [ __ ] black isn't. that that looks like the thing I saw in.

the video so just so we're clear well. you're talking about the thing that um. was in the the plane video Jamie. no which video there's uh like this is. one of them I think. well let me tell you something that. thing. oh that thing yeah this was in like a. post I saw today showed this in five. different videos they said it was last. week in Roswell. it's just sitting there it doesn't move. yeah that totally could be a balloon. but do they just keep going higher and.

higher don't they just keep going higher. why would it be hovering I don't know. why or maybe they don't have enough. helium do they only reach a certain. threshold yeah like when you're a mylar. one you're at the end of a mylar balloon. it just hangs out like it's a person in. your room this video that Mick posted. says this is supposed to be to monitor. pollution yeah but it also why would you. make a giant silver thing it looks like. a UFO to monitor pollution how about. make it look like a pollution monitoring. device have you ever have you ever seen.

I'm sure you have have you ever seen. elon's Rockets re-enter the atmosphere. yes I have so I I had never this is when. this was a while ago this is back like I. was when we were in our old house and I. remember I was talking to Tom on the. phone. and I was outside and she's like Dad Dad. Dad and I go out and it is so different. than anything you've ever seen then I go. Tommy Tommy look at the [ __ ] Sky look. at the [ __ ] Sky he's like what I go. go outside he goes outside and he's like. what the [ __ ] is going on I mean we.

thought we were getting invaded by. aliens for a second two grown men. thought we were getting invailed by. aliens it looks so [ __ ] bizarre like. it does like a mushroom cloud and then a. streak have you ever seen it no oh. type in elon's Rockets re-entering the. atmosphere I've seen it on video but I. haven't seen it in real life in real. life I saw it in real life it was in the. sky over la like cup must be coming to. Long Beach or something and it it looked. so it's this is what it looks like. it's this crazy.

[ __ ]. atmospheric change and it looks like. you're getting invaded by aliens. I did see one time in LA I was driving. look at that Joe that's what we saw. Tommy go outside he goes outside he's. like what the [ __ ] is going on and I'm. like Ida's like are we getting invaded. by aliens it looks [ __ ] crazy which. what year was this. yeah It Happened One time I feel like I. saw but it was before that. there was uh I was in I was in Hollywood.

and I saw this thing streaking across. the sky I was like what the [ __ ] is that. I yeah but this was like I think it was. pre-social media days oh no this was. Instagram days Instagram stories because. as I was talking to Tommy I put on. Instagram stories and I recorded it it. didn't record our audio which I thought. would be a viral [ __ ] clip because. both Tom and I thought we were getting. invaded by aliens and I'm watching it. but it is Joe it is like it's pretty. freaky you see it's a freaky [ __ ]. imagine if you did see something like.

that and it was aliens do you know how. Wild that day would be you know the wild. the day of like three football field. size ships just penetrate into the Los. Angeles atmosphere I started hovering. over the city whoa. just alerting us to their presence. and just saying enough is enough. let's [ __ ] suck this out what's the.

first thing [ __ ] what's the first. thing that is going on in our cultural. like money politics take money out of. politics take it all out yeah yeah. there's no no yeah no money you can. donate you can't probably just need. leaders you need leaders now you need. leaders that's like what how do things. shake down you need leaders what else. goes away like bars stay open bars stay. open bars stay open you got to give. people freedom because if you keep. taking away Freedom eventually it's. going to come for the things that you. hold dear that's just a thing that.

happens and everybody wants less you got. to control people more and do this it's. not good we we're always going to have. problems there's never going to be like. a perfect state where hundreds of. millions of human beings get along and. like completely harmonious unless we all. do mushrooms. you are you I'm just saying your new. hour is selling mushrooms pretty [ __ ]. good could you come out with your own. mushroom I don't think that's legal it.

is and I don't know what you're talking. about take the lion's mane sure oh yeah. I've taken Lions being but that's like a. regular listen a lot of there's a lot of. benefit to mushrooms cordyceps mushrooms. are fantastic. those are really good that's a bit. that's a big part of that shroom Tech. supplement that on it makes there's uh. lion's mane is great for you it's great. like there's a bunch of like really. neuroprotective aspects of like certain. mushrooms and nutrients like there's a.

lot of good stuff you can take and. mushrooms are in that group including. psilocybin what is mushrooms are legal. in Colorado. I think everything is legal in Portland. OR in um in Oregon Oregon is the first. state that decriminalized everything. they decriminalize like literally. cocaine heroin organ everything and I. think they did it in Vancouver too but. listen to this this one dude opened up a. store oh you can sell Coke in Vancouver. well this guy he opened up a store. called the drugs store.

and it just tells you when it was tested. like this is this is tested like April. 23rd and and it's you just buy cocaine. you buy cocaine someone just told me. about that like what the [ __ ]. this mobile Vancouver store mobile good. move bro just started illegally selling. cocaine heroin and meth math. bro imagine selling math. I mean that's like.

like you know that's bad for you right. like who the [ __ ] wants people to be. doing meth if you're selling meth you're. profiting off of terrible decision. making right agreed I've heard a couple. of people have good some good math. stories really I have friends good. stories when the story's old when the. night is over I we have a friend I won't. I won't say his name here and I'll never. say it. okay. and we were all we were all about to.

hang out can you guess can I guess yeah. okay okay yeah and if you guess it right. okay awesome I'll tell you okay we're. all hanging out we're all about to go. hang out again and he was telling me and. okay it's not Joey Diaz he was telling. me and Joey Diaz a story about this. chick and he was like. okay let's not you're gonna get somebody. in trouble yeah but this is a long time. 12 years ago I understand it was like so. I did math last night. wow.

wow that's right I remember that story. you know who it is yeah yeah I remember. that story oh my God I forgot about that. yeah yeah that's a that's a wild. decision to make if you're alone with a. person you just met who wants to do math. with you how how all in on this life. experience are you. Joey goes did you [ __ ] her and he goes. we did meth Joey we definitely [ __ ] oh. my God.

but don't they say that Adderall is like. very similar chemically. it's very subtle it's very dude it's. like it's a type of amphetamine right so. if you went Bonkers with Adderall if you. had some dude who could just give you. all the Adderall you need like some. homie that works at the Adderall Factory. and he sells you a barrel of these. [ __ ] things if you just chewed them. all day long like you would just be like. a person doing meth right well if I'm. not mistaken and I apologize if this. comes out weird but I think that's what. mullaney said in his special was that.

Adderall was one of his problems too. yeah I think Adderall yeah Adderall is I. mean I've done both I've done Adderall. I've done Ritalin and I've done Coke. Coke is way more fun than the other two. but the way the other two I actually. enjoy more like it's like if you take an. Adderall you just your your diet you. don't want to eat you feel [ __ ] you. could you have the focus to to skin a. grape I mean you could [ __ ] Focus. damn that dude it's making it sound. exciting adderall's the [ __ ] you I. remember taking I remember taking an.

Adderall and just sitting down and. writing a script that's being like boom. back in the day. um all the top pool players would take. amphetamines darts same same bro you. darts same thing same darts is like a. big [ __ ] speed place I shouldn't say. all the top pool players but in all. honesty a lot of them and I shouldn't. say darts because I don't know what the. [ __ ] I'm talking about this was a long. ass time ago like in the 70s and [ __ ]. there's uh there's some great books that. were written about those days but these.

guys would play for 24 hours 48 hours. they'd stay up for days just taking. pills and gambling until one went wrong. one one guy goes broke or one guy quits. they didn't want people quitting on. anybody so the thing is like if you're. up ahead so like if you and I were. gambling and you're ahead of me and. you're you're you have all of my money. and you you and I want to keep gambling. until I'm completely broke you're like. obliged to drain the person you're. obliged to like carried out to The. Bitter End because maybe that guy might.

claws way back and then. 18 hours later now you're breaking even. like oh my God but he wants to keep. playing so you got to go in the bathroom. and take pills and you come out [ __ ]. jacked up with huge pupils and you're. just gambling for days like that that. was a lot of those guys I I uh wild. fellas. wild human beings man they deliver man. those pills and Coke they deliver I bet. they do.

they give you what it's like you know. what Cokes like Coke's like the first. time you had unprotected sex and you. were like whoa. whoa [ __ ]. jokes like that Coke's like that I. believe you. no one's disputing it either no one no. one. just know what the [ __ ] away from it. some people will tell you yeah I don't. like drinking it makes me tired like. dice things like ah what are you having. I said Buffalo Trace he goes man I have. one of those I'm asleep no one's ever. liked that on Coke but that's what I.

hear. everyone's that if I have money I'd. invest in that [ __ ] company. it's uh according to huberman it's a. good way to get nicotine and nicotine. does have like neuroprotective benefits. like the punch is a bunch of cool [ __ ]. about nicotine the problem is cigarettes. the problem is uh tobacco when you smoke. it and it gets in your lungs dip is the. best dip like that I loved it give it a. good cigar I really do enjoy oh I love.

cigars right now I want one right now. right now let's have one right [ __ ]. now hold please. yeah. look at that humidor. yeah baby oh [ __ ] yeah.

ladies and gentlemen Joe Rogan very. brief cigar break Joe Rogan yeah this is. a good [ __ ] cigar who's this the same. guy Foundation yeah Foundation cigars. they're the [ __ ]. yeah this is uh. a special one that he uh made just for. us it's really good I really and Bobby. Kelly liked it which is like hey that. guy likes it. Bobby actually knows cigars.

he's one of those guys that like he. could tell you like fat I can't tell you. [ __ ] about cigars it's pretty simple. there's only like a couple wraps right. and there's a and the sizes are what. makes it a tad bit complicated I'm a big. ring gauge fan. yeah I grew up in Florida so like a fat. boy oh yeah yeah those are nice those I. like a big ring they're smoother right. uh the draw I think the draw is a little. a little easier. but these are these are beautiful. [ __ ] cigars and there's a Maduro. wrapper I think if I'm not mistaken and.

it's I like a nice heavy cigar yeah it's. perfect for me I love it it's really. good yeah that's cool. that's cool yeah man I like it I can't. believe you're my [ __ ] friend I can't. believe you're my friend no but I'm way. like here you keep saying that we're all. [ __ ] lucky man we're all Lucky a. hundred percent. it's all symbiotic yeah you know yeah. you enjoy all of it more when you have. friends that are also doing it it's cool.

it's a big part of what's going on I. call Joey Diaz the other day. I haven't talked to him in a while so we. just lit the place on fire when he was. in town I bet it was so fun to watch it. was really exciting just to have him. around again and you should see him. light up when he saw the sign in the. Green Room that says Get It Together. [ __ ] yeah. I go that's your quote Joey. my daughter just say that to us my. daughters are working on fully loaded. again this year. and uh they go with Uncle Joey coming.

because they they only really know him. as an uncle for real right right and I. go no I don't think so and Georgia goes. hold on. I I we got to see him one more time dad. like Island needs to see him live Island. needs to see him live because Georgia. toured with him Georgia toured with him. Georgia Georgia knows him his uncle and. he would you know Joe he would say the. wildest [ __ ] [ __ ] yeah [ __ ] cancel. culture you can't trust a dot dot dot. with a whistle right yeah and George is. like and George is blown away and George. was super woke right.

and she goes you gotta she goes can you. get him to come to Forest Hills that's. where we're open and fully loaded in New. York at Forest Hills at the tennis Arena. it's a [ __ ] thick list she goes can. you get Uncle Joey to go Dad Dad please. Isla's gotta watch Uncle Joey so okay I. called another night to talk about it. then we ended up changing you know. Joey's quick what's up Tarzan. all right yeah hey keep killing it I'm. proud of you [ __ ] sucker and then he. hangs up me like [ __ ] I forgot to ask. him what I was gonna ask him but yeah. we're gonna try to get Joey to come out. to that yeah it's just always great to.

get Joey around people who love him too. you know I mean it's just. he needs he's he needs that comic energy. yeah he does he does he needs that comic. character you know there's a party I. mean everybody loves him everywhere. though that's the thing about like the. where he's set up like when when we saw. him in New Jersey like God he's never. moving out of here he's the king of New. Jersey he loves it man he [ __ ] that's. it's [ __ ] towns are built for certain. people or certain people are built for. talents yeah well he's got a great place. and Joey's Joey was never built for La.

no no no he was built for Jersey he. knows the guy that makes sandwiches down. the street he can he goes in you know. Joey it's interesting a little high. because Joey's weed's pretty [ __ ]. aggressive it's aggressive right it is. [ __ ] it's you know it's the most. sought after weed in all of La it'll. convince you that something's happening. to your body.

[Music]. I had I'm sitting there and I'm sitting. in my my man cave or my gym is my man. came down my gym and I'm on the computer. and I've just I just feel a little like. saliva in my cheek or here like right. there and I go oh it's crazy like I just. notice it that's crazy. and then it shows back up I go am I. having a stroke oh Jesus I go oh my God.

is my is this side of my face and now. I'm sitting high as [ __ ] in a mirror. smiling to myself to make sure I'm not. having a stroke Joey's weed will [ __ ]. throw you sideways here's the thing I. was gonna say Joe and before comedy was. around. guys like Joey Diaz Joey. could walk walk away from Comedy and. find hit what he does on stage in. society you know that's the way Joey. operates and I think that's why he loves. Jersey he goes in sees his guy this Deli. guy and and they chop it up for like 20.

minutes and then Joey did like a type. five right okay that personality is. authentically in New York New York. Jersey personality right but what Joey. can do on stage is so unique oh damn it. and when he gets rolling it's so unique. that I feel like. no matter what else he does. at this stage of his life like it's so. hard to get to be that funny yeah why.

would you stop doing that his new book. tremendous stop doing that he's too good. he's too good he's too fun he's too fun. to be around dude he would be he was his. fun when he was in town just hanging out. in the Green Room. and so the part I miss about Joey the. most is when just hanging with him yeah. and he's when he wasn't trying to be. funny and he was [ __ ] hilarious yeah. the heart one of the hardest he's ever. made me laugh. is we're sitting there I made him say it. again on a podcast that made me laugh so.

hard we're sending Marie I see. we're having uh having I was doing a. cleanse where I was having green tea and. he was having coffee and he was smoking. cigarettes back then he was smoking them. on the DL no one knew don't tell nobody. and I go Joey what was prison like and. he was very casually goes dog. if you think black guy's allowed in a. movie theater. [Laughter]. that's such a Joey Diaz line but he. wasn't trying to be funny it was just.

being Joey and I was I go Joey is that a. bit and he's like no I'm telling you dog. up all night right right right. Joey's just the [ __ ] purist the I. sometimes I repeat stories have you ever. heard a story about our Polar Plunge. Christmas Eve with with his daughter. Mercy I believe so. it's the best that's that that's. happening that's that bloodline he's a. beautiful person I love him to death. this is one of the the best guys ever. and you know just if I could just get.

him to come around every now and again. I'm good so that's what we're gonna try. to do he just wants I just told him. anytime just you tell me I'll I'll take. care of everything yeah if somebody pick. you up I have somebody drop you off have. someone driving around I'll fly you out. take care of you like come on out. anytime you want just you tell me and. then we'll put the machine in motion not. the machine but a machine put the. machine in motion I'll come down too. we'll send the actual machine to escort. you to the Mothership I said that to him.

when we did fully illness or whatever. you need I got you he's the best you do. that sometimes like when that's the. problem with these businesses and. managers and agents is like it's like. you know. you you go they they misspeak for you. and you're like like even like back in. the day uh trying to get uh. Joey on fully loaded and it just was not. happening hold on I called you I go hey. man whatever you want whatever the [ __ ]. you want you know I love you whatever. you want right and he's like oh for real.

and I'm like yeah don't listen to anyone. talking about my team just trust me I. got you because that because got like I. know I get like that like certain things. will spook me you know and I go uh yeah. I don't want to [ __ ] do that and then. and then managers agents love having. something a little fulcrum to to. leverage you against something else and. then and we were talking about that last. night it's just little fulcrums to like. I and then can I get this guy in there. too okay then then you can also have. this guy and you're like what the [ __ ]. how did that happen um it's like I told. uh I told two people to their face.

like I'm bad with Secrets I don't even. know that I tell people Secrets is that. a part of drinking no it's part of me. wanting to please you. oh yeah now we're going deep I'm in. therapy now we're going deep I have a I. have a lot of problems and one of this. is I I want everyone to be happy so. that's why over share. and I over and I guess it's good oh it's. fun it's fun it makes good comedy yes it.

does my wife is in the back of little. boy last night being like yo definitely. you can't talk about Isla like that. right I was like for real she's like no. tell a story about Isla and never mind. yeah don't do it and so like so like uh. but um yeah over a share. but it's like I don't know that's. interesting it's like do you feel like. you have to yeah I feel like I'm not. good enough. is is why I'm I love Tommy so much and.

why I look up to him in so many ways is. that Tommy knows he's good enough. Tommy knows his worth. what's the difference between you and. Tommy why do you think that he knows his. worth and you. don't seem to know your worth even. though there's so much evidence. there's someone that's so much evidence. that you're loved yeah so what how would. that not be enough. I don't think I think about it that way.

or is that not it no no isn't it no I. think I think I think it's are we have. very different dads. and I think Tom. for whatever reason and I think we're. both really close with our dads we're. both we're both really he was really. close with his dad I think his dad just. raised him a different way and I think. my dad raised me a different way and I. think whatever my dad did left me with a. little bit of a hole and no slight to my. dad but it left me with the little hole. that turned me into a performer.

um to make one to make sure like like my. dad would be like. if if like the Iraq War started and I. said uh I said this is [ __ ] stupid my. dad goes go to your [ __ ] room you're. a [ __ ] idiot you don't know what. you're talking about he said you can. stay up there until you figure out. what's wrong with you and then I'm. sitting up there going like I gotta get. out of my room I'm 16 at the time I'm. like I gotta get out of my room how am I. a [ __ ] idiot why am I a [ __ ] idiot. I don't and then I was like okay I was. forced to sit with it and I was like I. don't know anything about why we're. going to war with Iraq I don't know. anything I don't know anything about War.

I know I've never been to war. my dad okay I'm gonna go on down I talk. to my dad about it my dad's like this is. why you're an idiot tell me why you. think I don't know anything about this. war he goes yeah son was saying he's. gassing his own people because they're a. different religion a different ethnicity. and he goes so we came to protect half. of that [ __ ] country here's the other. thing that's cool this is the first war. we're getting to watch start on TV we're. watching a war start like a [ __ ]. Super Bowl so sit down with me and let's. watch the [ __ ] war and I was like. wait we're watching a war he was like.

yeah it's on CNN watch this and you. remember you remember the [ __ ] Iraq. war with like the fir when we were kids. you were probably like 18 and then they. just like uh be to be and you'd watch a. [ __ ] Tomahawk missile head in and. you're watching people walk into the. [ __ ] capital in in night vision and. I'm like oh this is [ __ ] crazy yeah. that was my dad. uh and I and I don't I can't speak for. Tommy but I know Tommy was really close. with his dad and I think his dad for.

lack of better words I hope this comes. off respectful to my dad was a little. bit more of a man. his dad no no no no my dad ran track my. dad's a man trust me my dad's a man but. Tom's dad fought in Vietnam Tom's dad. did a [ __ ] couple tours Tom's dad was. a champion uh uh Power lifter like I. think we had different dads my Dad ran. track he didn't go to the works he had. allergies you know like like they. wouldn't let him in the Vietnam War and. so like a man yeah he didn't pass a. physical. wow yeah he had allergies Jesus and like.

they're like we can't send you in there. and all of a sudden you shut down. because you have hay fever oh right like. then then you're just like. in the middle of a [ __ ] dude that war. it's a scariest War to me because you. know yeah because it's the most. nonsensical. it was started off of a false flag. no one felt strongly about going over. there to die no no one felt strongly. about the cause it seemed insane to. everybody and it went on for years.

I remember when it ended because I was a. kid yeah I was living in San Francisco. and I remember thinking naively that. this is great because now there's never. going to be War again I really remember. that thought. I guess I was like 10 or something like. that 10 or 11. it was just weird it was. it was a weird thing to to just imagine. that they forced people and to go. fighting some more that nobody. understood and that might have been. connected to heroin might have been.

connected to heroin have you been to. Vietnam no I have not people love it. over there Bourdain is like he was his. favorite place it'll change your. cultural DNA like the way you see the. world's never the same I'd say the same. about Japan though Japan's pretty. [ __ ] dope pretty dope it is Japan's. like. uh Japan's like it shouldn't be legal. like you should just weird [ __ ] like. robot [ __ ] shows and and then all of a. sudden you go to the subway and no one's. speaking they're all holding hands.

I passed out on a Japanese dude in a. Subway I was drunk. and pass all on this poor guy and he. didn't do anything he just let me sleep. on him. oh I woke up he was just like hi yeah. they have a very respectful culture in. terms of like the way people walked on. the street yeah people give people. plenty of space they seem to navigate it. much more easily but then like you see. In some cultures they just kind of. there's so many people that just kind of. bump into each other like apparently in. China that's a thing oh in Vietnam it's.

I I made the uh the analogy in in Japan. it's like no one touches each other in. Vietnam they got their fingers in your. mouth oh no not really but like. figuratively like like it's really. aggressive I drove a motorcycle through. traffic in Vietnam and it was. thrilling and terrifying really well. yeah you're because it's almost like New. York but New York on [ __ ] steroids. because you gotta like you don't pay. attention to who's behind you you just. pay attention who's in front of you and.

you're almost racing everyone it was. [ __ ] crazy I drove old Russian Euro. through uh the streets of Vietnam the. same motorcycle I had one I think the. same motorcycle we have at the farmstay. when you called me ah yeah yeah right. that was [ __ ] what a great call what. a great [ __ ] call I'm gonna write a. book I'm gonna write a book out of out. of like top 10 things Joe Rogan said to. me but every now and then I get one like. look at this this is Vietnam I know I've. seen this this is insanity imagine being. a motorcycle with a kid on your back a.

kid dude they got their whole family on. the back of that thing. look at there's everyone's got two. people some people have three or four. people yeah so look there's three people. right there that's four people so insane. but don't you think people just kind of. get used to that though. like I think people get accustomed to. almost anything. like we're accustomed to driving cars. now that [ __ ] has only been around for a. hundred years it's so weird so we're. driving around in a [ __ ] car.

everywhere it's only been around for a. short amount of time and we're just so. accustomed to it it's it's just normal. when you think about it when you think. about like uh taking horses across the. country right do you have you ridden a. horse lately no [ __ ] horses you know. what gangster those people not [ __ ]. horses like they don't love horses let. me be quick [ __ ] I should have I want to. rephrase I say bad things sometimes I. don't mean to. [ __ ] me riding a horse Oh I thought you. meant that's what I meant [ __ ] horses. [ __ ] horses like [ __ ] horses I'm not.

getting on horses not [ __ ] them I think. they're beautiful amazing creatures you. know what I'm really um kind of sad. about honestly what that there's a lot. of wild horses in this uh country and. they're they're trying to figure out. what to do with them and um they might. wind up killing them no yeah they might. want I mean I think. there's there's people that are. proposing like getting rid of a certain. amount of them I don't know what they do. with them now like what like how do they. handle wild horses now but there was.

this uh argument like that they just. can't let them get to a point where they. oh like where there's no Predators or. wild horses and they just start. overwhelming the population in in some. of these areas and like there's cattle. that graze in these areas and the horse. and the cattle compete for food and. but there's a lot of wild horses it's. kind of a sad animal to be wild it's. like wild dogs no it's beautiful I was. in Crow territory up in either South.

Dakota or Montana and we were driving. motorcycles for Travel Channel. and we took a helicop we hunted a. buffalo with the with the Crow Nation. shot the Buffalo processed it then they. take us back and they put us on our. motorcycles and like Hey we're gonna. meet up at the bottom everyone's having. a drink and I'm on my motorcycle I did. not have a drink in me and I in the sun. setting and we're driving through the. hills like the you know the the [ __ ]. Hills and as I'm listening to Wilco in. my headsets in my with my helmet on on a.

[ __ ] Indian judge I think it was a it. was a judge whatever the [ __ ] judge. was. a [ __ ] pack of wild horses starts. running next to me and I might and no. one's around no cameras no film just me. Wilco and [ __ ] seven horses at a full. [ __ ] Sprint keeping up with me on the. motorcycle the sun's setting and I'm. just thinking. [ __ ] No One's Gonna believe this. No One's Gonna ever see this it's just. your moment you have in life Wow horses. are [ __ ] beautiful beautiful no I I.

should rephrase what I'm saying I don't. think here's Here's my thought on it. like. what. I don't want them to be killed like. other animals I don't want to be it's. weird I don't want people to hunt wild. horses oh no right so like so you can't. the best way to control populations is. either you send someone out to kill them. or you let people hunt them and for all. the other animals like the deer species. and the elk and stuff they let people.

hunt them and that's how they keep. populations in check but with this one. it's like you can't I don't. you know like who wants to go out and. shoot dogs nobody do they do that no but. I mean no yeah no I guess they probably. do with why well wild dogs are a problem. yeah I think an elderly man got killed. recently by wild dogs and like Chargers. or something. oh dude that down this is really scary. down south you can still get attacked by. dogs yeah I went for a jog in Alabama my. wife's family lives I went for a jogging.

out of Georgia Alabama and uh a dog. chased me like you just forget people. don't have fences everywhere there right. their dog heard me jogging on the street. from their porch and started running at. me and I thought at some point it'll. stop right I jumped up onto a Baptist. Church uh you know like they have like. the foundation with the cross and the. name Praise Jesus I jumped up and I had. to stand up there as this dog just stood. there and barked at me and I sat I was. I'm in running shorts headsets and I'm. just sitting there waiting for the dog.

to get done and it we sat there for 30. [ __ ] minutes the dog like sat for a. second and then I'm like oh my God like. is anyone gonna [ __ ] help me no Jesus. and you just sit there I think people. forget. just how fragile we are as animals. because like we are versus other animals. some people are just Dopey and. irresponsible and just let their dog run. around that's a that's a common thing. too but the thing about this wild dogs. is like once you've got a population of. wild dogs breeding in the woods you. basically got something that it's kind.

of like a wolf very much it's kind of. like as a small shitty oh my God [ __ ]. off he fought for his life against three. large dogs. this guy got torn apart pitbulls and a. German ship Jesus and they were all on. the same team he said he kept it they. kept attacking me for like 15 minutes. roll that down. uh it doesn't matter it doesn't matter. it's better it was actually a. oh my God three dogs.

um two of them were pit bulls the third. one was a German Shepherd one with a. German Shepherd one of them attacked me. when it did it triggered the other two. and they joined in they were attacking. me from all sides I was trying to keep. them away from the inside of my legs. with ephemeral arteries are and away. from my neck I have nothing with me to. fend them off I was desperately grabbing. sticks to hit them but the sticks were. decayed and kept falling apart they kept. attacking me for what seemed like 15. minutes I was physically and mentally. exhausted I was trying to figure out.

what to do I considered falling on the. ground or rolling up in a ball and. playing deadly you're supposed to do. with bears I considered screaming for. help but I knew no one would hear me my. four-wheeler and my cell phone were 150. yards away and I knew I would never make. it there I finally remembered that. there's a tree stand nearby the. adjoining property I found a good stick. and I was able to keep the dogs at a. distance until I could get to that stand. and climb up on it in the stands Scott. was able to catch his breath get his. heart rate down and Kate the first good.

look at his wounds he was in bad shape. he had punctures and lacerations of both. arms and both hands and from his waist. down to his ankles he needs medical. attention immediately. I sat in the stand for 30 min about 30. minutes after the dogs left he said when. I got down they heard me rustling I. heard they heard the rustling of the. leaves under my boots they came running. back in so Scott rushed back into the. tree stand it waited another 30 minutes. after the dogs left this time he. purposely made a lot of noise to see if. the dogs would return they did not he.

decided ahead in the opposite direction. away from his four-wheeler and where the. dogs had come from I found a good stick. and I quietly tiptoed to a fence line. that was about 60 yards away I climbed. over the fence and then hiked about a. half a mile through a cow pasture out to. the highway I stood I didn't know the. story was going to be so long. I'm apologizing I apologize I feel like. I'm so [ __ ] this guy got [ __ ] up by. dogs the end. 298 puncture wounds and lacerations yeah. a lot of stitches to fix them up so I.

guess he got out a couple guys alone in. a pickup truck drove around me. yeah okay there it is. so he got help no rabies but that's my. okay let's go let's let's work this into. this bit this is why Germans are weak. because Germans don't have predators. right this is what I was trying to say. if you grew up with Predators right. Predators like I think like I grew up. getting attacked by dogs like that in. Florida you think that helped you no you. could give me anxiety it's it does when. you're a kid when I was a kid like if.

you saw a dog on the street it could. always be touch and go like you never. knew you always moved away from a dog. that you just saw a walk how are your. daughters around a strange dog they know. yeah yeah because I've seen bad dogs. good dogs they've seen dogs and some. dogs. you know you just can't trust them you. don't know them no you know you've. really you have no idea what's going on. with that dog and most dogs are great. you know big fan of dogs but most dogs. until they're not it's and people that. get like really violent dogs dogs are.

like a cage you got a trainer you got a. trainer you gotta you get like a wild. monster that lives with you now. do you ever get you ever about to say. something and then someone talks over. you and you go that was a good call man. I was about to say the most horrible. thing and then I was like I was like let. me cut you back the um yeah man. in Florida we had Gators we had. lightning we had sharks we had a lot of. poisonous snakes poisonous spiders we.

have molesters that was really big when. I was a kid Jesus they killed that kid. Adam Walsh Adam Walsh in Miami right and. so that was the that was my tornadoes. hurricanes like we had a lot of things. that could kill you I remember we were. in Hawaii I was with we were doing a. hike with this Hawaiian dude and Isla. was terrified like the Isla has a fear. of bees she has a fear of like spiders. and stuff. and she was talking to him about snakes. and then and the guy said oh we don't.

have snakes in Hawaii. and then then we go we get down the hike. we end up at like a restaurant or. whatever having a drink wherever we went. to with the guy and he's very low-key. and I said uh something about like you. know this is Island living and she and. she said to me and it was an inside of. it you know the from a babes mouth to a. whatever she goes uh. that they don't have snakes that's all. you need to know about this guy like. what do you mean she goes that's why. he's so chill he's never had to deal. with snakes and go away she goes every. time I go in the yard I'm looking for. snakes like any time I walk outside I'm.

looking for snakes like that's the way. when rattlesnakes are a thing in your. community like you grew where where you. lived yeah back in L.A that was. rattlesnake Central oh for sure you. never walked into your backyard not. thinking there might be a rattlesnake. right no my dogs got bit multiple times. and and when that's your reality it. changes the way you look at life [ __ ]. Australians got everything that could. kill them yeah everything everything I. mean they got those salt water Crocs. dude you can't you know you can't go on. the beach at night in Northern Australia.

you can't go on the beach at night. because Crocs are just laying on the. beach and you'll think it's a log and. sit on them Oh my Jesus shut the [ __ ] up. they told us that when we went we went. to go do the Great Barrier Reef they're. like do not go on the beach at night do. you know what a horrific death that. would be if you're a little tips and you. just sit down on what you think is a log. I didn't show you this video yesterday. no what do you have for me uh it was it. went around yesterday as a like what. happened in Florida 23 year old dude.

went out for a piss in the back behind a. bar in a rural area. he had lost his arm and it's all not the. attack isn't on video but him thrashing. in the water afterwards is and then they. pull him out and the arm missing and the. pulling the tourniquet on with a guy. with a cigarette hanging out over him. that's where I [ __ ] grew up. don't show me that anyone that ever says. like Hey Bert why would you ever [ __ ]. around with Xanax I grew up like that on. a lake on a lake living in the lake we.

would swim in the lake knowing at any. moment a gator could take you away from. your family and take him back to his. nest and sit with you in his mouth for. [ __ ] four days until you're body. rotted and then they do the death roll. on the bottom I mean dude and then you. think about like. you think about like that so that. creates a person right Australia that. creates a person. those are realities in their life that. creates that person right all those well. trauma it's not trauma but like they're. kind of similar in a way what's that oh. oh yeah but then you look at Germans.

they got nothing. they got nothing but I was thinking that. Australians I mean Australians and. Florida people. there's a lot in common [ __ ] Cousins. yeah maybe that's what it is maybe it's. like a certain breed of people that has. to deal with dangerous environments like. Australians have to deal with sharks. saltwater crocs and Jellyfish they have. nine of fish can kill them the box. jellyfish they kill people people swim. in pajamas cheese they swim in blue.

pajamas I'm not [ __ ] around you swim. in blue we went to the Great Barrier. Reef like his box jellyfish season get. on Blue pajamas and so we put on Blue. pajamas snorkeling your whole body's. covered you have gel on your face your. every part of use covered oh my god dude. [ __ ] that and I was like why would I. snort because I go to Florida I do that. why would you do that get the [ __ ] out. of that way it is out of that water. it's pretty it's pretty cool I'm sure. it's cool but like at what point in time.

do you not want to get killed by a. jellyfish most of the time right so how. do you avoid getting killed by jaw don't. [ __ ] jellyfish are Jesus they've got. nine of the how many like how many. deadly snakes does Australia have. because I think they got nine of the ten. deadliest snakes. there we went canyoning uh Canyon. canyoning I think it's called where you. just you like repel and climb up rocks. but you're going down a canyon through. waterfalls and stuff and the guy was. like uh keep away like anytime you saw. debris on the side keep away from it you.

know we got the the two-step spider or. whatever their spiders there are [ __ ]. Next Level oh there's spiders what do. you call the two steps. that's a good day for a spider two steps. because you get big country western we. get bit and you get two steps and then. you fall oh boy. um that but that's that creates a person. I think about Kelly Slater a lot and. like because I I love the podcast you do. with them you talked about sharks. the brain they can just shut that off.

did you see the bull shark attack the. kayak recently yeah Hawaii it was that a. bull shark yeah I thought no no I'm. sorry tiger shark tiger the bull shark. was the one that bit the tail off the. other bull shark do you see that one oh. I didn't see that one but let's show the. kayak one first the tiger shark this is. in Hawaii and I think that's uh that's a. high percentage of people that get bit. in Hawaii get bit by these [ __ ] look. at that thing bro that is so wild yeah. watch that again. that is so crazy.

I mean dude that thing just stole with. his feet was there his feet in the water. almost his feet no his feet are in the. water right now. look watch where his left foot come from. watch his foot's behind the shark right. now oh [ __ ] he almost got his leg bit. off. oh my God. oh my God look at this that's his. um his foot dude that shark almost bit. his femoral artery look how insane that. is look at that thing just imagine the.

feeling of that thing chomping on your. kayak and what if it flips it it could. easily flip it oh you're [ __ ]. I mean it's just kind of luck that it. didn't flip it look at that that's. Insanity that's a [ __ ] big tiger. shark too my God that's so scary. that's the guy yeah [ __ ] dude that guy's. got to be so happy he's alive it's got. to be exhilarating I'd be like with this. [ __ ] Wonder thing. [ __ ] you.

it's weird like people change their. opinion on sharks it used to be that. everybody hated sharks after Jaws be. like [ __ ] yeah let's go shark fishing oh. yeah I'm [ __ ] manly shark fisherman. and now it's like leave the Sharks alone. like people they need to protect sharks. now but it's it's I understand. absolutely they're right you need to. protect sharks yeah but it's just a. weird like shift. there's like a dangerous predator that. eats human beings on a regular basis. we're like we got to make sure there's. more of those it's weird I'm not I'm I.

understand it I agree with it yeah but. I'm saying it is weird that like there. was no sharks that no people would get. eaten by sharks it's called lake or not. even lakes in Florida you get eaten by. Gator yeah like Michigan lakes you ever. seen people in Michigan they're swimming. or uh Wisconsin it's got all the. Minnesota it's got all the [ __ ] Lakes. right and then just swimming lakes and. just swim out and don't worry about [ __ ]. my wife's like that my wife we have in a. lake house in Alabama and she'll swim. out to the middle of the [ __ ] Lake. you know that's a really good benefit to.

really cold climates no reptiles. because when you got an abundance of. dangerous reptiles and terrain where. they can hide you got a real problem. kids I think it well you got a real. problem we go back to the thing I think. it raises a different person oh for sure. I think it creates a person who maybe. anticipates the danger anticipates the. like do you ever do you ever anticipate. the the the the the tragedy in life like.

think because I know you're the kind of. guy that I remember you saying one time. anytime I see a guy with a tie on I go. he doesn't even know what I could do. with that tie I was always joking around. I know but but I always felt like if I. had a tie on someone could grab my tie. and call a joke man yeah so I was like. why would you like give someone a handle. to put around your neck but I wonder if. I wonder if when you grow up with these. things with Jiu Jitsu back then though. [ __ ] Isla is obsessed with jiu-jitsu. it's really fun man I I wish everybody. get obsessed with it.

shout out to everybody. shout out to Eddie Bravo shout out to. Jean-Jacques Machado shout out to all. the [ __ ] people teaching that because. it's I think it's one of the most. beneficial things that anyone could ever. do for their their health for their. brain the peace of mind but once you're. learning something that's actually. effective you started fighting early. right well I started martial arts when I. was 15. that's when I really got into it. I took it a little when I was 14 but it. was hard to get to the place. um I started out this uh karate place in.

Newton. and then I started in Taekwondo when I. was 15. well you're what was uh what was your. like you I you don't have to obviously. whatever but. um you talked about how you start a. question with you don't have to. obviously whatever why not I I don't. know sometimes I don't know you know I. love you but sometimes I don't know if. you told me this in secret and I'm just. telling it I'm asking you a question. that you told me is a secret okay go. what tell me what. um what was you got bullied you got. that's why you got the martial arts. because you got bullied right well yeah.

for sure I mean I was always small and. uh I was always new or I moved into. these places what did you weigh at like. when you got into martial arts what. would you weigh well I wrestled at 134. when I was 15 or I was 14 15. I was 15. so yeah. [Music]. um and I don't believe I caught weight. for that. um but I did cut weight when I started. fighting when I was 16 and 17 I was. cutting down to 140 and I was weighing.

140 for a while but it was a real. struggle and I only did the states at. 140 once and that was when I was 17. so. what was your like as I I was bullied I. was at all boys Catholic High School but. it definitely formed a little bit to me. that maybe I didn't wish it did yeah. it's this is your bullying like can you. tell me a bullying story it wasn't it. wasn't horrible you know it was just a. bunch of dudes being dicks and I didn't. like the feeling of not being able to. defend myself like it was scary oh yeah.

one dude was one dude grabbed me in a. headlock this is why I started wrestling. one dude grabbed me in a headlock just. like out of nowhere we were just staring. at each other we didn't even exchange. words and he. threw me to the ground and he raised his. fist like he was gonna punch me and then. he decided not to and he just let me go. like it was so easy to do that to me. that he didn't have to just beat me up. Catch and Release catch a release Catch. and Release and first of all thank that. dude for doing first of all I don't know.

why he grabbed me I didn't touch him but. at least he didn't really hurt me but it. made me realize like oh I don't know. what to do if somebody grabs me and. tries to wrestle me. so I started taking wrestling I I joined. the wrestling team and I started doing. Taekwondo at the exact same time so I. was doing both of them at the exact same. time and I couldn't do two of them and I. had to pick one or the other and I I. really enjoyed kicking people it was. exciting it was there was something. about that that was just so it was such.

a crazy and that's when when I loved. movies like Chuck Norris movies and you. know Jean-Claude Van Damme movies it's. like wild kicks is what you want to see. people do you watch a Bruce Lee movie. you want to watch. I want to see I want to be able to do. that yeah and so that was what I got. obsessed with that that seemed to me to. be uh. something fun to do so what do you think. it says like I'm not to get back to the. what makes you you the man you are and. what makes me the man I am where I go I.

want everyone to be pleased when I got. bullied and my bully my bullying was. pretty physical because all boys. Catholic High School and everyone's like. boys will be boys yeah and got beat up a. couple times like just beat up. um. my defense was. oh because I don't know if it was. because maybe I was a little bit bigger. and I was the size of the people. you know like I got bullied by dudes. were bigger than me but I was also not. like I was I was 100 probably 180 pounds. right and so like even still but I was.

just a softer dude you know and so I. wonder if the. my bullying regressed my aggression I. think and it turned me into more of a. smart ass more of a like. I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna outwit you. I've always had I've always had a. respect I've always had a big respect. for dudes who can fight and not [ __ ]. with the dudes who can fight like. obviously I said I'd fight Israel you. know and I said I think I might have.

said accidentally and I'd like to. apologize for this publicly might have. said Tom and I are gonna jump Nate Diaz. am I said I might have said I I was I. didn't care if Conor McGregor slapped me. not meeting Connor meeting Izzy I I know. that this wild talk I'm a comedian. everyone should know I'm a comedian but. that energy. is where my sense of humor leaned when I. got bullied. I just was like oh I'm gonna I'm gonna. challenge you. I'm gonna challenge you in comedy and if.

you don't get it then you're the [ __ ]. idiot but if you get it. then does that make sense nope okay. I remember I remember I remember one. time I got beat up pretty good yeah a. couple times a couple times I got beat. up pretty good both were off of jokes. and what's interesting about both those. times both those men and I doubt they're. listening I guarantee they're listening. and they may know who they are but both. those men's got publicly shamed and kind.

of shunned by our friend groups they're. like you don't get jokes. both those guys didn't get comedy and. and they lost a lot of friends and they. lost a lot of like because it was like. they were jokes right but I will tell. you those two men taught me a very. valuable lesson there are men to [ __ ]. with and they're meant not to [ __ ] with. yeah some dudes don't want you to play. games with them they don't and and it's. and it's a real challenge of like like. you're the baddest [ __ ] I know. per well one of the baddest. [ __ ] I know personally I make. fun of you a lot and I've never won and.

I've said wild things about you I said I. called you gay on [ __ ] Logan Paul's. podcast hey I want I would love to hear. more about this Jamie I got that thing. is happening in the the headphone again. I don't hear myself anymore. we're gonna pause for a second folks. shout out to Sebastian you just can't. send me a very sweet text sorry folks a. technical issue with the headphone jack. issue Sebastian I mean Sebastian got a. movie also this weekend it's called Uh. my father I think it's called my father.

and without Robert De Niro we both have. movies opening this weekend this is my. thing I'll say right now just bring back. comedy bring back comedy support either. of our movies go out and watch comedies. bring back comedies go to the [ __ ]. movie theaters go to the [ __ ] movie. theaters text your friends if you like. the movie see mine on [ __ ] Friday. Sebastian on Saturday mine on Saturdays. Sebastian on Friday whatever it is. support [ __ ] comedy send me a really. sweet text it's a weird. um. sort of uh.

time for for movies because people are. like very scared to take chances like. they took. and these classic like Tropic Thunder. like you could never you could never. shout out you could never the writer for. about astronauts oh my God perfect hey. if if the machine does well theaters we. get a green light on Monday and this. grip is you want to see come in space. you're going to see a lot of. it's about yeah it's it's a weird time I. told you this I'll say it again but like.

I was in Serbia before the first day of. shooting I had some wine at dinner and I. was laying in bed and I listened to you. on a podcast and you said here's the. problem with comedies they don't go. [ __ ] hard anymore and I sat up in bed. and I went my first scene isn't hard my. first scene isn't hard it's soft and. it's stupid and he's right and I [ __ ]. rewrote it I woke up my cousin I rewrote. it I said what do you think you think. it's better and he goes it's I don't. know if they're gonna let you do it and. I said I know but I just I'm listening. to Joe and and like if you're if you're.

a little bit of a lighthouse for for us. Comics is where you know you've always. given me great advice and I'm hearing. you say it third hand do a podcast we. rewrote it I went in I gave it to Peter. tencio I said this this oh this is can. we shoot this also shoot this one also. do the one you want for safety Peter. tencio read it and laughed sent it to. the directory run it or the producer. kale loved it and he was like let's. shoot this one instead beautiful and so. we [ __ ] come out hard that's great it. also sounds like a group of people get. you yeah like sometimes you know when a.

guy's his first big movie you know. they'll tell you what to do and give you. advice that might not necessarily work. with your personality well people want. to be safe and they want and they don't. want to get fired man everyone's got a. BMW and they got to pay the payment bro. imagine being the lady. that decided to do that Bud Light. campaign with Dylan Mulvaney imagine. like never thinking that a mistake that. you make in a company. could could go that bad.

and so people when they see something. like that in the news they get so. [ __ ] scared. of being the person that gets involved. in another thing like that for the left. or for the right it's like it's. companies that are learning that. attaching yourself to these like. socio-political things like that yeah. there's consequences people get mad oh I. was really mad the day that commercial. came out I'm in [ __ ] yeah please the. day that commercial comes out I mean I. mean some [ __ ] Arena I only say Arena.

so you know so that we know the. conversation that you don't try out a. lot of new material in arenas you know. an Arena's show is pretty [ __ ] dialed. in yeah pretty dialed in so I bring out. a Bud Light I've been drinking on stage. lately I bring out a Bud Light. and this dude booze he goes. and I'm like what and he's like don't. drink that [ __ ] that's trans [ __ ] and. I'm like huh and this woman goes he's. talking about the commercial. I was like wait I because I don't follow. the news at all what the [ __ ] going on.

right and then so people start talking. they go Bud Light did a commercial with. the Trans lady Kid Rock shut up the beer. no one's drinking Bud Light now and then. I said I go no wouldn't mind you weren't. in Arena I'm rolling the dice pretty. hard I go I don't think they went hard. enough. I go I if I was a Bud Light this is a. commercial I'd make. dudes on the corner of his bed he's got. a Bud Light in his hand his chick's. behind him she's like are we gonna do. this or what he's like no no no we're. doing it and he kills the Bud Light and. then he gets in the bed and he sucks his.

girlfriend's [ __ ]. that's the [ __ ] trans commercial I. want to see I like that yeah that's. representative yeah all you see is his. head going up and down nice and she's. like and then her voice lowers like yeah. play with the balls play with the balls. oh and then he [ __ ] swallows and very. specific follows it with another butt Ah. that's the Chaser make that that's. inclusive it is. it's better yeah yeah just go hard just. go so far the other day I wonder how. much further if do people forgive.

because if these people look the right. Wingers right Wingers generally tend to. be Christian do you think they forgive. by the light is that is there. forgiveness in that or is there no. forgiveness in a large corporation that. attaches. so is it a lesson like to for the other. corporations if you want to attach. yourself to like uh polarizing. viewpoints and things that are hot. button social topics. there's consequences. I don't know I hope it's not like why.

are corporations getting involved in. social stuff anyway there's only one. reason because they think that it's. going to benefit their bottom line up. until now no it's the same now it's. different now they're doing things. they're getting involved in social. issues because they think they have to. and they have the kind the company has. to be representative and they have to. they have to go out there and get. involved in these things your silence is. definitely that's the thing oh yeah when. the black squares came out do you. remember the Box squares Force they. force you into compliance and anytime. someone's asking you forcing you into.

compliance that is not never good it's. never good because if they can do it. with that then it keeps moving further. and further down the line and then. you've got some weird new quasi Freedom. well you know what it is here's the. slippery slope though so you're getting. ready to do a Hollywood Premiere right. right and they're at the front they're. like hey do we stand with all women and. some dude I won't say names but some. duties and actors like uh like part of. him's like hey man I Got Dirt I Got Dirt.

so I don't want to put the thing on to. look like I'm being disingenuous but. maybe I'll skate by. oh do you want to give you a pin they. give you a pin oh come on you can't. force someone to wear a pin that's crazy. it's how I won't say anyone's names I. want to Dragon Ball stuff but how one. couple dudes got caught they they wore a. pin on the carpet and then activists. like hold on you got [ __ ] in your closet. get the [ __ ] out and so a lot of people. just it's like even it's for the best. cause in the world if someone's getting. you to join join us join us now you're.

part of social structures you're part of. these weird things that people do when. they they join groups you know it's like. if you had pins. on and you came with them maybe but like. to try to get every do you do you agree. with us about anything even if it was an. American flag that would freak people. out you want to do this for America put. this on for America people start going. hey are you gonna make me put something. on dude the blacks you want to hand me. something if I don't put the flag on the.

black Square was that I woke up this. morning I woke up that morning I think. it was pandemic times right June 2020. yeah yeah I woke up in bed and I opened. it and I saw a black square and I and I. thought it was cool I thought it was. cool I was like that's cool man yeah. stand up for black lives matters and and. and post the squares and that's that's I. I was like that's pretty cool. and then I saw people not posting and. like posting a picture of their mom or. something and everyone's like lighting. them up oh so you hate black people and. then I was like oh this looks a little.

toxic I go you know what I'm going to. stay away from this today I like that. it's happening I support that it's. happening but I may not be the right guy. to post up a black square right. in the special that just aired I had a. joke about. me and a black dude that maybe could. have been on the fence right so I was. like I might be not to be the spokesman. they want and this is back when I looked. at my DMs and then my DMs are like no. black swear no black Square so this is. who you are this is who you are Bert and. I'm talking like a few you've made money. all you just did your last special and.

you made a joke about a black guy stand. with him how dare you make the money off. black and I'm sitting there going well. [ __ ] man and then I'm really obsessing. who I am as a person and I'm like well I. I do I do look and then you're laying in. bed this is all happening in bed you're. like I'm I do support my favorite some. of my favorite human beings are black my. bus driver who I love to death Ron I was. like well is he thinking this about me. and then you post a black square and. then it's the other side oh so you're. one of those cut cowards and then and.

then you eliminate the comments and God. [ __ ] damn and then you're like and. then you're like I guess I'm throwing my. phone into the river. yeah man it's a it's a tribal thing that. happens with human beings especially. with polarizing ideas. you know well it has a woman's right to. choose or whether it's pro-choice or. whether it's uh you know do you support. black lives matter or do you do the real. problem becomes in when people enforce.

compliance and they want you to comply. whether it's like they're doing it. socially whether they're threatening. your livelihood like you can force. people to think a certain way if it if. their livelihood depends on it and we. know that that happens man it's sketchy. [ __ ] it happened it happened. um you know. when when you they tried to cancel you. and people started like I wasn't aware. that it was going on and and I'd wake up.

my DMs are lit up how dare you not to. support Joe and I'm like what I don't. even know what's [ __ ] happening and. then I I. and then you sit there for a moment you. sit at your desk and you find out what's. going on and you write something you go. I know this is gonna like I know some of. these La parents that I Live friends. with or some of my you know aren't gonna. like my stance right now but this is my. friend I don't remember what I wrote I. don't remember what I wrote but I posted. a picture of me and you I said something. I'm very I'm very privileged to have Joe.

as my my friend I love him I stand by. him whatever whatever but hey dude you. want to [ __ ] talk about [ __ ]. throwing a [ __ ] and and then I got a. text from my dad my dad is the best is a. phone call my dad goes Buddy. you know I I I I know I met you always a. sweet guy I don't really stand for what. you know whatever's going on with him. right now but I'm so proud to have. raised a man that stands by his friends. and you're like oh yeah that's the.

[ __ ] that's the real world that's the. world jewelry Diaz lives in that real. interaction you have another human being. where you go I did the right thing. I'm gonna start my day you know like. [ __ ] the internet [ __ ] the comments I'm. not gonna [ __ ] sit there in the. comments and start fighting with people. I got into [ __ ] indigenous mascots. last night randomly on a [ __ ] someone. I supposed and I'm reading all these. comments and I'm getting worked up I'm. like I like the old school mascot for. Florida State [ __ ] it I don't give a. [ __ ].

which which thing was this the n-word. video that was yeah. I could see why people would be so upset. obviously. we used to say the word in a way like if. you were like using it in a sentence. like talk about a Richard Pryor routine. if you were it just. it didn't seem as offensive then as it. does now now it seems like impossibly. offensive yeah that's what's interesting.

is that. there's no words that are really that. way where it's positive if certain. people use it and negative if other. people use it like you could say it as. like an affirmation you could say it as. like a a a punch line sometimes. sometimes so many stand-ups Derek. posting shout out to him last night I. think it was 25. and he did 10 minutes I. mean it's a it's. if you're a stand-up I mean it is it is.

a very valuable word but you know what's. crazy is I watched Derek last night. [ __ ] hilarious and he uses the word a. lot and I started counting a couple. times I was like I was like this is. because I just seen you you know just. seeing you and you have a I won't not. spoiler alert but yeah great [ __ ]. thing and I watched Derek and I kind of. counted and I thought what's amazing. is they are not even hearing the word. really they're not hearing the word as. if I said it they'd hear it they're. right it's just skating by right when he.

says it it's it doesn't cause any. tension it's amazing it's amazing but. that's what's so weird about that word. is that it's the only word where the. amount of melanin in your skin. predicates whether or not you could that. dictates whether or not you can say it. where you're from that dictates where. you could say it it's like it's a word. that is privileged to a certain group I. mean not privilege obviously it's it's a. terrible slur pointed at people yeah but. when they're using it the way they want.

to use it whether it's in hip-hop lyrics. or whether it's in stand-up comedy when. they're using it the way they want to. use it it's a beautiful like social tool. it's melodic oh my God for stand-up. comedy it I think it gives an extra. layer of flavor oh like if like. Chappelle uses it Peel's got a joke. about and it where the I I won't even. [ __ ] run but about him and his dude. in the car and a cop pulls up next to. him and his dude and it's a white guy. and he's like I think we should race him. and Chappelle goes and he uses the word.

but the word is the thing and it it's it. gives it such a like. where you're like it's just Sparkles. well Chris Rock is one of the greatest. bits ever on that word I mean it's a. [ __ ] amazing bit and when it's just. it's just a very very strange word in. terms of like all the other words exist. that's the the only one. like there's no positive. like.

slurs against Jews. right there's no there's no like there's. no slurs against Jews that if someone. was Jewish they could say in a positive. way well hang on right but the flip is. the Jew Jewish people I thought I'm. getting comfortable Jewish people will. mock their Judaism in front of you yes. like. yeah I can't throw a baseball you know. typical Jew right but if you said it to. them they'd be like what the [ __ ] are. you trying to say right and you're like.

and and here's the thing I was trying to. think of last night so we were I wanted. to talk to you about the thing you're. doing so I was like it's really. brilliant and and one of the things I. was thinking is like. it's possible that we don't have white. people don't have a word that is as uh. explosive or volatile to us that means. so much and so like maybe we can sure we. can't understand no way we can't. understand but it's crazy just as a word. that it's the flip side of it is they.

can use it and it just sounds fine yeah. it doesn't offend anybody we're all just. sitting there everyone's laughing it. makes times better it's really it's a. weird word snoop said it Snoop said it. to me when I walked or we're at this. event I remember I told you and I so I. want to go hang out with Snoop and. Leann's like you can't get to hang up. Snoop like it was my friend like if we. can't hang out then we're not friends. so I went over I said to the guy as I. tell tell Papa Bert's here and he was. like what you know no and I was like.

just tell Papa Bird's here and he's like. who's Papa I go just yell Papa bursts. here he was Papa Bird's here and he's. like yeah dog wants to see him and then. I just walk through I went back first. words out of snoop's mouth my ass yeah. and I felt so much love I felt so much. [ __ ] love right I felt so much love. isn't that crazy that crazy that word is. so it's just as a word it's so. fascinating and if I now the exact. opposite if I had said that to him oh.

yeah it would have ruined the night oh. yeah yeah and I and and we're aware of. that social interaction but at the same. time. there's like there is there there was. this time where where people thought. like I remember reading the word in high. school during reading Huck Finn reading. it aloud reading it aloud is that still. in it or did they change the words. because I think I think some.

let's find out what what's going on with. that because I feel like I read that. that there was some call to remove that. word. from Huckleberry Finn. yeah. that's what it says. yeah it's like. well remember the Chevy Chase routine. with Richard Pryor yeah yeah. [ __ ] yeah on SNL. I mean it's it was interesting too there. was a period of time where Quentin. Tarantino had white people saying in his.

movies yeah well he said it a bunch of. times in Pulp Fiction Alabama publisher. says expurgation is that the right word. expurgation. of more than 200 hurtful epithets uh. will counter preemptive censorship that. has seen Mark Twain's yeah okay it. censors the n-word what do they use in. replace of that word. let's just call him Jim. oh yeah you're reading the words read.

all the words they say oh my God they're. gonna replace it with the word slave. wait what wow and the new edition the. word will be replaced in each instance. by slave the word engine will also be. replaced in the text. I wonder what uh that's the interesting. works I never really heard that word. growing up engine yeah and we grew up in. Florida where the seminal tribe was like. really big well they were like the only. unconquered unconquered tribe seminal.

tribe yeah we did uh I did the uh Civic. Center in Tallahassee and right before. the show they gave me the spear uh have. I told you the story no I just don't. like repeating myself and I do it a lot. it's okay I forget stories good. I enjoy them in the moment but there's. too many of them my database is so. overwhelmed I'm like a shitty old old. computer that says way too many [ __ ]. so so movies on it growing up in Tampa I.

had no civic pride like kids in Boston. you had civic pride you wore the Red Sox. out we just had the Bucks and they. sucked right when I got went to Florida. State when I started going floor State. my dad said uh. you can have so much fun you're gonna. really experience the community those. football games I don't understand what. he was saying my dad grew up in New York. Yankees fan like my dad understood that. and knew I didn't have it as a kid and I. went to Florida State in my first game I. didn't really understand we're all. wearing the same colors we're doing the. the tomahawk chant and that first game.

Chief Osceola comes out on Renegade and. he has on the horse have you ever seen. this he has a Burning Spear. and he comes out Jimmy you kind of. pulled up so beautiful on bareback on a. horse dude dressed Native American dress. Native American Truck like a Seminole. with a Burning Spear and he goes out to. the center of the [ __ ] thing and he. rears Renegade back up on his two legs. and he holds it there and the whole. crowd's going oh. and then he spikes The Burning Spear in. the center the place explodes look at. this look at this.

now a kid from Florida I'm seeing this. [Applause]. this is me look at us he's [ __ ] 18. years old this is so crazy I'm hitting a. hate crime what is the hand forward. supposed to represent throwing the spear. oh really yeah throwing the spirit this. is so psycho dude this is me at 18. with. no idea. I'm drunk I don't know what's going on. my dad told me to get ready for this and.

I'm I'm a part of this in the moment. right dope Campbell Stadium. one of the coolest College experiences. you could ever have in a million [ __ ]. years [ __ ] the Irish football [ __ ] Shane. Gillis Shane Gillis you got fat [ __ ]. [ __ ] your team yeah shut up yeah shut. the [ __ ] up and stay there. yeah and then look at this this is. Florida State man football is war with a. condom on. did they show Chief Osceola throwing the. spear yet this is a representation of.

War again everyone's chanting and. cheering for their Warriors look at. these Warriors spill it onto the field. yeah but wait wait you got to see you. got to see Osceola okay but you don't. realize how crazy this looks look at. this these are our Savage yeah [ __ ] yeah. let's get after them boys oh you getting. territorial [ __ ] yeah this is me this is. my [ __ ] that's not you Bert you live. shut the [ __ ] up this is who I was this. is my grooming Joe this is the snakes I. grew up with these are the Gators I grew.

up with okay and then you're so excited. about it too with people you don't know. but these are my colors oh I get it now. no and then you gotta see see the go to. Chief Osceola it's not showing us. they're not throwing it that's one of. the things that I like about Combat. Sports there's none of this so then so. then he throws his beer in the place. pops Place pops 80 000 people Pops I. start crying oh like. can you imagine I gotta start crying so.

like I'm like I'm like I'm part of. something like something bigger than me. I'm a part of it the first time in my. life so I come back to play the arena. and uh oh hold on hit pause I go back to. play the arena and they have everything. I mean everything so it's your rolls. it's no they welcome back okay like it's. like it's like they have a red carpet. lined up and they say to me they say and. I take a walk through campus and kids. are sticking their hands out the window. welcome home pretty boy.

I mean they go at the end they go um. they said hey there's a present we want. to give you before we go on stage I'm. such a [ __ ] idiot I thought I was. getting a doctorate. I thought they're gonna give me like the. cap and gown your doctor partying or. some [ __ ] yeah and they give me the. spear they give me the [ __ ] Spear and. they're like hey and then this is me. this is one of the greatest moments of. my [ __ ] life. no take a look at this tell me how. [ __ ] beautiful oh yeah I saw this I. saw this on your Instagram this is. amazing.

look at all they're doing they come on. with their [ __ ] hands everyone's. doing it with their phones this is boy. it'd be so easy to start a cult there. [ __ ] oh yeah you can just send me back. you're ready send me back brother it is. it's it's play that at my funeral isn't. that interesting how [ __ ] territorial. people are and how much they love like. this an area that they're from yeah.

are you talking about surviving. alligators and living in the swamps of. wild folks that's how we get down that's. how you get down that's how you get down. go to [ __ ] go to go to Australia and. do a show and then I'm going wait. I got a throat infection from drinking. out of people's shoes drinking I drink. out of so many shoes Joe Jesus Christ I. had to stop I was like a throat. infection even all the alcohol that. you're throwing down wasn't enough to. counteract the funk of someone's [ __ ]. dirty feet it was my shoes I started.

buying new shoes so I could do more. shoes that's so gross your own shoe you. drink in your own Funk no who's what's. worse your yeah your funk would be way. better than so I was buying brand new. shoes just a drink out of oh Christ very. seldomly in America do I wake up going. what shoe am I going to drink out of. today and that was every [ __ ] day in. Australia yeah you got to give up on. that idea these people are ah stop I. don't want to stop me you can if you. Google you'll see them all over but. that's good for your uh gut biome.

yeah. I wonder you are the weirdest dude I. know one of them. get on that dresses you a little like. puts like like people in some countries. they drink their water and they don't. have a problem but if uh American went. over there and drank their water they. would get deathly sick Mexico yeah. you can't you can't brush your teeth. with that [ __ ] Montezuma's Revenge gives. you [ __ ] [ __ ] jet spray that's a.

bad diarrhea hangover yeah right real. bad right we did it to the Native. Americans we rolled over here and just. [ __ ] infected them yeah with like. little small box was it small box oh. yeah they killed literally killed 90 of. the population. 90 I mean it was a we think of the. genocide as being like uh us killing or. not us Trail of Tears and [ __ ] my family. came over here in the the 20th century.

but um we we think of it as yeah. massacres but it wasn't it was that for. sure there was a lot of massacres there. it was it's a lot of atrocities yeah but. also the majority of people were killed. by diseases they had no immunity for and. that's probably what happened with the. Mayans too when they think about like. where this civilization they created. these incredible structures like how did. this happen and you go back to uh Cabeza. de Vaca when there's a great book uh.

called the land so strange and it's all. about these guys from Spain Landing in. Florida and and making their way and. running into the Mayans and like what. the [ __ ] is going on down there oh dude. wait what's the name of this book it's. called a land so strange a land so. strange yeah there's what what these. guys encountered what they're talking. about when people those early settlers. encountered these incredible cities.

where people had all these gold. ornaments and this incredible. sophistication and then when people went. back later it was gone everyone was dead. because those people that went there. first and then came and told everybody. about it they killed them all. them all they just. breathed on them with that European Funk. the stuff that they had lived with so. they had immunity to it so when they. came over here they just killed. everybody. Jesus yeah that's what happened to 90.

they think of the Native Americans and. and happened probably. the. Micronesia probably when James Cooks. probably all over this place well that's. also one of the reasons why North. Sentinel Island that island where that. um that missionary went and got murdered. by the natives like they think that the. reason why they're hostile to people is. that at one point in time there was this. guy who was a famous explorer slash. pervert who used to travel around and.

take photographs of people like dressed. up in Roman costumes and [ __ ] and a lot. of these people like they went to a. bunch of these sort of uncontacted. islands and they got up they kidnapped. some people got a bunch of people sick. and a few people died from whenever they. got sick from yeah and so I think. they've always connected people that. visit them with like sickness and death. like that guy [ __ ] it up for everybody. I had that feeling towards women for a. while. to get the clap once and you're like I.

don't trust any [ __ ] woman. it's venereal diseases are pretty wild. because it's like diseases are so crafty. they figure out a way like how can I get. in there I know I gotta get on that. guy's dick have you ever had have you. heard of BD I never had anything that. was worth talking about on a podcast. [Laughter]. laughs. so crap nothing deadly nothing deadly. crap which is terrifying to me is that.

that's how people died in the 1400s Al. Capone yeah Al Capone had [ __ ]. syphilis yeah you watch those um those. old photographs and video of well I. guess not photographs but do they have. video of anybody who has syphilis oh. their nose goes away everything big. holes in their faces and scary [ __ ] man. because like. that that [ __ ] tissue rotting like.

what does that do to your insides you. you've got holes in your face and holes. in the top of your head and it's from. sex. dude I've told this a million times but. you know that's where the term bigwigs. comes from right. oh you don't know this there was these. uh French Royal guys and um they had. syphilis and so their hair was falling. out and they they put on these wigs. and uh when uh they were very popular. socially and everyone started wearing.

wigs and the more money you had the. bigger your wig was. really that's what bigwig is yeah it. comes from syphilis that should be an. app I love those those kind of when they. go you know where a cat in the bag came. from yeah yeah yeah there's some good. ones like that like uh like long in the. tooth is because uh you look you hold a. horse's mouth open right you see how. long the tooth was and that's about how. old they were and they used to start. looking at old people's teeth especially. their bottom teeth and they're really. [ __ ] long and you're like wow holy. [ __ ] yeah your gums start falling apart. I like that [ __ ] yeah it's interesting.

those phrases like where they come from. but that one's particularly weird I. wonder if we've started any as Comics. because comedy's so big right now like. give them the light yeah give them the. light Maybe. there's probably a few. it was a fun time for comedy dude it's. fun time can I tell you I was thinking. about this in bed today I was like. I wonder like I'll put it in UFC terms. like so Oleg uh Target. is in our movie.

I love that dude he loves you and he is. a fun [ __ ] hang he's a fun dude he's. do you remember the when we facetimed. you yeah we were watching the World Cup. soccer and I went to this hotel because. the whole cast was over there he's a big. dude he's a big dude and he's still. strong as [ __ ] and he's tight like he's. a he's a strong man olejaitarov was one. of the first guys that I ever saw in MMA. um pull off leg locks against like. really high level competition and then I. found out about pancrase afterwards I.

felt like but Oleg was like one of the. first guys I think I ever saw that. pulled off leg locks I was like wow yeah. he he so I was thinking about this so. he's in the movies and big actor he's a. big actor now. but when we I ran into him we were both. drinking beers and I didn't realize who. it was and he just walks up to me in. that Russian accent he's like you know. Joe and I was like. Rogan because yeah call him. that's not how Joe works you don't just. like FaceTime Joe he goes FaceTime Joe.

and I FaceTime you and you picked up and. then you grab the phone he goes Joe and. you're like oh leg holy [ __ ] what are. you doing is I'm doing a movie with them. but like I think about this when I think. about comedy so like you look at Oleg. and the career he had he was a [ __ ]. Legend right yeah you look at hoyce. Gracie you look at uh Dan uh Shamrock. Ken Shamrock uh Tito Ortiz right for all. these uh uh [ __ ] uh uh uh the guy. with a big the [ __ ] stronger who'd. use it against people Randy Couture.

and the [ __ ] charades yeah and then. the other guy who always seemed like he. got he got sliced on his eye with a. glove during a fight and he had to tap. out because he got sliced by glove uh he. used to fight against uh Randy all the. time. that was Randy too buddy no no Randy got. his eye cut oh was it Randy yeah it was. again chuck chuck uh Chuck Liddell oh. you know Chuck didn't have that issue. yeah no that was uh that was Randy. against Vitor Belford it was just a very. odd unusual injury and it sliced the.

eyelid open and they had to stop the. fight like the actual eyelid yeah I. remember that well I remember it I. couldn't let him fight but certainly you. think about all those guys right those. are like the guys that started the guys. that were the one that piqued our. interest they they ran UFC ran UFC and. then you look at like Izzy and [ __ ]. uh Conor and you see how much money. someone like Conor makes and I always. wonder if those guys look at Connor and. go like [ __ ] man you're welcome for the.

path I carved through the road cause you. would have never gotten there last night. I'm hanging out with dice thinking dice. is the first guy that ever did Stadium. like arenas for in RJ I mean Steve. Martin did but he was the only. [ __ ] that did Arenas yeah he was. the first for sure the first guy to do. and he did what was the number he said. said some insane number do you remember. the number he said he did and uh yeah. it's like. 700 or some [ __ ] like that oh some. insane number of Arenas oh I'm sorry.

yeah I was thinking of something else I. remember I don't remember what the. number was but it was like holy [ __ ] and. we were talking about we're talking. about uh Carlin and and and [ __ ] all. like all the legends that were in the. 80s they never got to do stadiums and. Arenas [ __ ] Andrew Schultz did the. [ __ ] Houston Stadium the other day he. to the stadium I mean Tommy did two. shows at the United Center I I I I I was. talking wild time for comedy but I. wonder if those Comics look at us the.

same way Oleg and those guys look at. Connor like he's just lucky timing we. just showed up at a time when these. people laid the foundation for what what. could become. you know listen you're going to waste. time and energy thinking about that. [ __ ] who cares what they think like. you look at the old it is Mike Schmidt. played for the eight for for the [ __ ]. Phillies and then you see him no. negotiate a contract for 350 000 and. then then you look at the guys. negotiating for like 750 000 right it's.

it's just a crazy that like I was trying. to like break it down I see what you're. saying yeah I see what you're saying but. for sure like but that's going to be the. case with the Next Generation that comes. up after us they'll probably have some. insane Advantage as well yeah well I. mean there's just social media and. podcasts just changed everything changed. everything you I'm gonna do two seconds. but you gave a lot to us you gave a lot. to me no no no I meant to the commute to.

our community yeah because you didn't. you didn't you didn't have like your. three openers that you only put on. you didn't you didn't you weren't you it. wasn't just you and your couple boys. you opened it up to all of us and you're. like hey Tom who's your buddy Bert and. then he's like oh you should meet Bert I. want to meet him and then you'd put. people over Hey Bert who's that guy I'm. I'm saying this and I've been like Tim. on my podcast very early and then all of. a sudden like you're like hey introduce. me to Krista Stefano and all these guys. that are like you you never had any.

jealousy about you you always were. generous with your platform and with. your fans and and and maybe not enough. people know that and maybe not enough. people appreciate just the feeling that. we as a community have for you because. you gave us things you and not not money. not anything but just opportunities I. said this to Big Boy on a podcast uh the. other day. you you never cared about one-upping. anyone I do that sometimes in podcasts. I'm gonna tell the story I tell the. story that I think is better yes. but like you didn't you were like that's.

a great story and then you go hey do you. ever you ever wonder how they build the. pyramids and you just talk about like. you just were like Curious and fun and. like and and I'm I'm telling you man it. you I said to someone the other day you. you got like 10 friends who do arenas. pretty crazy. that never happened that's pretty wild. you have 10 of your best friends that do.

Arenas yeah there's not a lot I don't I. don't I haven't put over people like. that there's not a lot of comics out. there that have done that for comedy and. you and you never said like yo can I get. a cut of that or anything this is very. nice for you to say but in my defense. um I there's no one else had the. opportunity that I had I had a very. unique situation so it was for me it was. like it makes sense it's mutually. beneficial it's great for everybody it's. great for the art form it's fun and I.

like when people do well I like it. that's unique you know that right it. shouldn't be it's a it's a mindset I. could have fallen into the same jealous. mindset that most people have I'm not a. special person I just figured it out. early on that it's actually a weakness. let's see I assessed I analyzed like. when I would feel bad about someone. doing well I'd be like what is that. about and I sat around and I thought. about it for quite a bit and this is. when I was like 21 because I remember. um I had a I definitely had a lot of.

jealousy when I was fighting I I but. then when I got into comedy I sort of. carried that over and one time I was. thinking about it and it really bothered. me because I'm like that seems like. that's taking up a lot of my energy that. I'm jealous of someone who's doing. better than me like why why would I do. that why when I instead could have the. exact same experience but be inspired. I'm like it's just a mindset switch and. it also makes it so much easier to hang.

out with people and talk to people and. makes you you have better bonds with. people if you can just [ __ ] enjoy. watching people do well and then do your. best do your best and enjoy watching. people do well and I think that doing. well is contagious and I think doing. well if you're around people that do. well and you help them and they help you. I think it's contagious and I think that. [ __ ] spreads you gave us success yeah.

you're the settler that came into a. bunch of a bunch of indigenous people. and gave us the sex box because there's. I mean you know it's it's like well we. have to take credit to the store too. because it all really came to fruition. at the store it's like the camaraderie. that we all had at the store and that. you know we it was like the first group. that actually benefited from each other. rather than you know if you and I were. both up for the same role in a sitcom we. see each we're friends but we see each. other auditioning and it's like and some.

guys will get shitty with you just try. to [ __ ] with your head you know I've. experienced that before in auditions I. was like wow God people insult you just. to try to [ __ ] with your head or try to. make you feel bad before you go into the. room like. but we don't we didn't have that because. we came we we sort of like made it in a. time when the internet was coming alive. and as our careers Advanced the internet. did too and what happened was we all.

became a benefit to each other instead. of a liability like to have really funny. friends that you could do podcasts with. was great we would do each other's shows. and we would all have fun together and. then we would go to the ice house and do. shows there and do this and do that it. everyone became a a great asset instead. of a liability yeah yeah so instead of. like a competition like oh he might get. the part it became oh and then we also. realized that when you do a bunch of.

shows like we were doing at the ice. house with a bunch of killers you get. better oh you get better yeah be a. better moment everybody Mark Norman. watched me last night I told a joke that. I it's not a joke it was just something. that happened once in life it's a story. but it's just a weird story and you need. guys like Adam you get or Mark Mark. Norman came up to me goes that's a. [ __ ] bit and I was like for real he's. like dude it's [ __ ] hilarious and. then sometimes right you just like. someone needs to tell you and then. you're like oh I know I can say it I.

know how to okay dude then you go to. work on it I said the one of the best. jokes I had on secret time was not I'm. gonna go to Film secret time and the. week before I spent every night at the. store and I said I want to find I want. to make sure where these holes are. because that that's a pretty honest. audience and I randomly told a story. about give my white pajamas for. Christmas just in the or when you're. bombing yeah and then you're like I. gotta pivot right and I'm just like this. this will work and this is a good story. it wasn't in my hour and Adam get pulled.

me aside he goes That's the best joke. you have oh that's hilarious and I went. for that's not a joke and he goes it. better be in secret time and I go no. it's not and I moved it up I took it. that weekend that week I worked it out. at the or put it in secret time in the. first like 4 14 minutes where I want I. work specials differently I think put in. the first 14 minutes it's like the most. like the biggest joke I had and I go. thank God I'm around [ __ ] smart. [ __ ] yeah thank God.

it's uh it's nice to have a lot of. people to bounce things off of too. that's been nice about being here I. liked what I told Adam last night. because I worked with a young lady who's. [ __ ] a gangster she's a gangster. she's awesome and and Adam said how did. you get how did that happen and I go I. watch what Joe did with you. he was what and I go Joe wanted you he. was like Joe's like I'm starting a club. I want that guy yeah and he said I'm. paraphrasing tell me what you want cool. let's do it.

I said the same thing to Victoria I said. tell me what you want cool let's do it. you surround yourself by the. [ __ ] and you are and you are. golden and you walk in Leanne said last. night Leanne had a beautiful experience. at the comedy Mothership she said it. this morning I feel like Austin hasn't. been I have any of mine because you. always go there by yourself and it's so. cool because she goes you know every. Club I go to with you they know who I am. and I just didn't think anyone would. know me at the comedy Mothership and. then we stayed until three in the.

[ __ ] morning she goes that's the. coolest place she goes he did he hire. everyone that's good and I want everyone. he got everyone and that's the [ __ ]. model [ __ ] surround yourself by the. [ __ ]. yeah do it the right way too yeah if. you're gonna do it and don't do it until. you can do it the right way. you know behind your time. take chances. take chances sell flashlights yeah have. some fun out in this wild world bird.

Crusher you're probably on episode like. [ __ ] three or something like that. what episode was Burt Chrysler on no. sleep no what was the number your story. was number 95 but wow the machine was. number 95. wait what year was that can. you tell me. story. I never I never would have told him what. a wild thing 32. out of all the things.

that have emerged in the podcast this. has got to be the most popular 73 might. have been your first one 73 is is when I. told the Tracy Morgan story so that was. January see I'm so sorry 2013. hold on. this is no that's what somebody else. okay either way. it was a long ass time ago if you would. have told me that you telling that story. on the podcast would not just become. like a part of your act you have to tell. every time would it also become a.

[ __ ] movie that's about to come out. I always said what yeah it's gonna be. like the number one movie in the country. what are you talking about. that story. on this [ __ ] show we did in a bedroom. in my house how is this possible. how is it possible that one was April. 5th 2011 2011. dude that's when you told. it April's my [ __ ] month wow April's. my [ __ ] month what a crazy [ __ ]. story the Rolling Stone magazine came.

out April 1st and for someone to try to. like take that story and say do you. support the mafia are you part of. robbing have your friends forgiven you. like what do you try and play gotcha. journalism how many dorks did you have. to talk to when you did this uh. this media look at young Bert look at. you look at Joe Rogan with a beard Black. Beard hmm back in the day son. this is about the time last time you. were here there's a [ __ ] story about. the Russian mob we tease these [ __ ]. we let these people right now on Twitter.

they have been going crazy all day do. not let Bert Chrysler get out of there. without the Russian mob story man tell. us what the [ __ ] happened go find that. online ladies and gentlemen because it's. [ __ ] amazing. that story changed my life Joe that. story changed my life hey we all changed. each other's lives yeah like. legitimately we were really dead we got. a great thing going on there's a lot of. us it's a lot of fun these shows have. been amazing there's there's such it's. such a good time everyone's podcast is. thriving it's beautiful here's what I'll.

say keep the good time rolling I'll tell. you secret time. more secret time if if if comedies do. well in the theater. their next summer your lineup is got. Shane Gillis is in the movie theater. Shane Gillis Tim Dylan Your Mark Norman. [ __ ] Tom Segura. like like support you if you go out and. you spend your money to support Live. Comedy like we know our fans do yeah. support it in the theaters give our get. us our get our backs in the theaters to.

prove to the studios that our sense of. humor is real and it translates yeah and. and if you enjoy comedies like I do. there's there's only one way like this. is the role of the dice this is it. they're taking the chance now they're. taking a chance and if this scores then. the party keeps rolling but it's it's. but you've got to go to the movie. theaters man you gotta prove it in the. movie theaters and I know that's a. selfish ask why is it uh more important. in the movie theaters than the amount of. streams the amount of uh buying on Apple.

so the way a deal Works uh once again I. know I'll get in trouble for this the. way the deal Works don't say it if. you're gonna get in trouble nope I don't. care I want my movie to do well so the. way a movie works is you get x amount of. dollars 20 million dollars to make a. movie I think we spent 20 million. dollars 30 million dollars on the. machine okay so if it goes in the movie. theaters everyone gets to recoup their. money when you go to a streamer they. basically go what did you pay. cool we'll get break you even and we'll. give it a little extra but you're not. you don't get the big bucks that's. coming to us.

and so if this movie does well. everyone's got points on the back end so. every extra dollar you make everyone. that makes it starts making money all. these people that go you know hey we. should put this and this and do this. comedy and make it soft they start. realizing [ __ ] my money will make uh. [ __ ] murdering a dude and blood all. over the place like make [ __ ] crazy. comedies that'll make me money and then. they'll start leaning into it and then. there'll be a there's a bunch of people. that'll go let's go harder hey uh Kurt. Metzger what's your idea all right and.

that's and so like the in the movie. theaters there's just more money to be. made because it's it's it's a like like. Bruce Willis when he did six cents he. just took points he didn't take any. money so he made like hundreds of. millions of dollars so when these movies. once you break your budget once you. break 30 million. all of a sudden all that money starts. flowing into the studios and the. networks or the studios and and the. production companies and they're like. [ __ ] let's do that again and then we'll. sell it to the streamer and we'll make. our money back and then we'll make amend.

some and we're making more money and the. streamers are there I was partying with. our boy the other night he was like it. let's bring do great in the movie. theaters then come to us and do even. better because people are watching on. repeat but it's got to do good in the. movie theaters you got movies are dying. people aren't going out to movies. they're only going out for the Avengers. that's it right now and so we really are. a Bill Hicks joke we really are to build. this joke we have turned into Bill Hicks. you know it seems like that would be a.

it sounds like a Bill Hicks joke the. only movie people go see is The Avengers. it's the truth it does and and doesn't. that sound like a Hicks joke and and. these [ __ ] movies if they do well in. the theaters and all of a sudden these. dudes were running these Studios that. have the the access to the big Pockets. that go I'm telling you right now the. machine does well I can I can guarantee. you two things mark my [ __ ] words. machine does well fat astronauts get. screen lit on Monday and Tim Dillon's. project gets greenlit on Tuesday I can.

promise you that Tim Dillon is the. hottest [ __ ] commodity in Hollywood. right now. insider trading it should be Tim Dillon. is the hottest commodity in Hollywood. everyone [ __ ] loves that guy and. they're afraid to say it out loud ah. because it's problematic he's a right. winger who knows what he's going to do. who's not you know crazy gay right. winger everyone loves Tom Tim Dylan uh. changelis I was sitting in a tent in. Serbia with legendary watching [ __ ]. Gillian keeves were crying laughing.

that's your next [ __ ] that's your. next movie star Shane Gillis is the best. actor out of all of us out of all of us. the best comedic actor around you don't. need to put him in an action comedy you. go Shane Gillis what do you want to do. his movie will be the biggest summer. blockbuster of the [ __ ] year mark my. goddamn [ __ ] words wow but they've. got it they've they've got to trust that. they can make their money back and it's. got to be made in the theaters I really. don't like business talk but I hear what. you're saying yeah yeah it's like uh.

it's I get their point too it's your. superhero movies is the easiest yeah. right they always win I mean when we. started podcasting we were like yeah. keep it small let's make our money back. and then guys like you started going I. see the guys like people like Spotify. like I see the I see the profit margin. in this let's roll a dice now granted. you're the same as me a little bit. chancy say some [ __ ] up [ __ ] every now. and then who knows where we're going you. get a company like Spotify or company. like Netflix who stands behind what you.

stand say and they and they go we. support Free Speech you just gotta let. them know that the month because they do. that because the money's coming in right. the studios haven't seen the money come. in yet the studios need to be convinced. the same way Netflix and Spotify have. been convinced that free speech and. Comics talking wild and doing wild [ __ ]. is profitable and that our fans right. here will go out to the movie theaters. and then all of a sudden I'm telling you. it's a game changer I bet it can happen. you know it really can and in that sense. a lot of times if people like it but the.

critics hate it if certain critics hate. it it actually is better because it. makes people distrust critics even more. especially critics want it hate stuff I. haven't read one thing about the machine. at all I mean there's critics that love. certain films and but they hate it is. Ventura they hated the uh. it wasn't the best movie in the world if.

you go back and watch it it's not the. best movie it was pretty [ __ ] great. it's okay I mean I don't know it's hard. watching old comedies like you ever. tried to watch porkies yeah it's a big. old rape Fest. no I mean I've watched I have a VHS tape. of it airing on like public normal TV. like how do you see it late at night and. they have all the bad [ __ ] when quotes. edit it out oh my God it's just the.

nudity's edited out it's like holy [ __ ]. yeah it was in the 90s yeah it was from. the 90s that was a crazy movie right. yeah what happened to that dick in a. hole through the girls locker room like. someone jacked me off Jesus and the. teacher comes and grabs it oh my God. bro what why was that okay then like why. were these movies okay I don't know how. much curry Schultz make a movie and I. bet it's gonna be like that you give in.

results [ __ ] 30 million dollars that. movie's gonna be [ __ ] insane yeah. it's interesting isn't it that's the. truth man we proved it in podcasting we. did yeah we proved it on the internet I. mean look at look at how many guys look. at what you see you know what Gillian. cubes did offline like. when he released it when they released. it to the fan base said hey here pay. this right I did [ __ ] bananas numbers. bananas. is a gangster people forget that he's a.

[ __ ] businessman too he is a gangster. uh we'll get into the Weeds about this. all day long privately privately but. like they did great money. and and then and and then they're like. oh cool you get to make a cool thing and. our fans love it. that's all people got to know in this in. Hollywood CK is doing yeah perfect. example exactly yeah selling all of it. on his website putting all his movies. there his television show Bobby Kelly. special did fantastic Joe this movie did. fantastic yeah he's putting money out.

he's he Joey uh Louis is. Sony or legendary he's just doing it all. in-house and going like I know I hire. all the people I got a line producer. let's just make it we'll sell a direct. consumer and it can just continue to. grow there's no ceiling on the the. potential for more people to find out. about what he's doing online Louie yeah. oh he's I mean he's it's very. interesting he's he's like you you know. he's been good for comedy yeah he's been. good for comedy because you know he.

helped me a lot with the design of the. place no yeah yeah I took a couple. pieces of advice from him it's very good. advice in the smaller room the stage was. too large he's like why is the stage so. big I'm like why is this why is this. stage so big because I think the stage. should be about four feet shorter on. each side and I was like. okay we could do that okay yeah and he's. like in the ceiling can you make it. lower and I'm like yeah we can make it. lower because it was already low but. it's a great [ __ ] room how low is. that ceiling I mean it's pretty [ __ ]. low it feels good doesn't it feel you're.

like intimate it's boxed in with those. folks it reminds you the old school New. York days where you can put your hand on. the ceiling yeah those kind of clubs so. uh he had that that was a his suggestion. there to make the stage smaller in the. little room and make the ceiling even. lower so we did that and then in the. Next Room uh the ceiling we lowered the. ceiling that was his other suggestion. too and then he had some good. suggestions about soundproofing because. I think a lot of comedians that like the. sound of the echo because it makes loud.

laughs louder but it also makes it more. difficult to people to understand uh. what you're saying it's harder because. it's like echoey like at the Vulcan it. was a little echoey it was great when. you were killing right because the. laughs were so loud yeah but some parts. of the room and you're like getting like. sound bouncing off of a bunch of [ __ ]. you won't you miss subtle things you. miss certain things so he was like you. know you got to make sure that. everything's like soft and the sound is. like everything's soundproofed we did.

that within this last tour we were doing. Arenas and I upgraded my package to have. like uh like a legit lighting package. and a legit sound brought in and it. changed those Arenas it's a game changer. like this I remember saying is the first. person that did it you're gonna fall in. love with the sound of this it's not. just your setup and Arena and it's. whatever sound they have it's it's like. it's it's like they do this whole. presentation before to dial in the exact. sound points and it is it sounds like. you're in a comedy club so is this worth.

it to you to do when because you're. doing so many shows so it's easy just to. come with you they travel with you yeah. pay uh 1.7 no I like this I like this I. like the inside the baseball yeah okay. pay 1.7 for a lighting package and a. team and so it comes with like a it's an. all-over budget and and uh you bring. your own stage with you I I told Shane. and Mark we did uh whatever the arena in. in Tempe for the Super Bowl we did four. shows and I said I and I I paid extra to.

bring the sound package out I wanted. them to experience it Shane Gillis is. the person I told him I said you're. gonna because he was nervous about doing. Arenas because he had done Arenas and. they sound echoey I said where do you. hear my sound package where do you see. my pack like my lighting package all of. it you're gonna really love it because I. paid extra for it I want the show to. feel I want you if you're paying to see. me in Arena I want you to know that I am. appreciative of that dollar and I'm. gonna put money back in the show I'm not. gonna do some cash grab and uh cut to. birds doing show by candlelight.

Louis said that I would like to do that. and so yeah dope that would be. Candlelight Cho that would be. trust the audience with candles. it's not weird like that anybody could. just buy a lighter it's kind of crazy. how few fires really are. people are so stupid I think about that. all the time I think about that how much. how few car accidents there are like. people are so goofy it's kind of amazing.

that most days. wow dude that's pretty amazing oh you. should see me walk out on stage man look. at you I paid extra money so that my. entrance has a little bit of Sparkle a. little bit of Razzle Dazzle to it a. little bit of Razzle dust a little bit. of Razzle Dazzle and uh and I think it. pays off I think there's an audience. member you appreciate it for sure and I. think but you're right when the sound is. so important so it sounds everything. so for this club there's like we made. sure we just everything my only note.

please. if you're gonna have Joey Diaz's weed. around ah you got that clock off the. little boy I was on stage last night I. got high with you right before I went on. stage on The Late Show I never get high. performing on stage I have but I don't. usually because I'm afraid of of like. rightly so and uh I was riffing and. [ __ ] rolling and I was like nice and. I looked up and the clock was at four. minutes and I went I've only done four.

minutes. how long did you think you were on for I. thought I was on for 30 minutes oh my. God I was like oh we need to move that. clock and then I said I kept messing. around and I looked and it was four. minutes and 40 seconds and I was like oh. God someone needs to close the clock and. and then you started freaking out. thinking about it because I was like. because you know how sometimes you get. high time goes a little slower yeah and. I was like oh my God I'm in my head and. then I just I knew Leanne was in the. room I knew I could like [ __ ] with her. if I needed to like and I could get.

myself out of anything right and I was. like just enjoy this enjoy this let your. brain think weird let your brain think. weird and talk weird and and and I saw. the chick in the front row had a a weird. purse that the same person next to him. had and I went oh their phones are. locked up ah I didn't say whatever the. [ __ ] I want oh you didn't know I didn't. know uh and I [ __ ] started going like. and I and I had last night my second. show was one of the best shows I've had.

well definitely in 2023 without a doubt. and I would argue other than when I did. the other room which was a [ __ ]. really a magic show that was a [ __ ]. magic show that might have been the best. time I've ever had on stage last night I. fixed two jokes I've always wanted to. tell always want to tell watching a dude. get struck by lightning and beating any. Asian in a foot race I did both those. jokes and they worked and I walked out. and I was like God damn it that room. special I'm back Monday uh to do Tommy.

we're doing two bears Monday and Tuesday. and I was in the shower and it's like I. want to do little boy again if they're. open Monday I want to do a little boy. that was a fun [ __ ] room it's a fun. [ __ ] room Monday is an open mic night. yeah we you know we can figure out. anything but it's it's a there's a weird. the vibe of the place the place has a. Vibe because there's so many like-minded. people that are that are in there that. are just sort of really just trying to. get better at comedy and. there's so many of them they're just.

like the pla it's like there's a vibe in. the building you know and it the. audience is so appreciative there are. real comedy fans oh dude the guy last. night it's incredible I said I'm back. Monday. and this dude just goes Texas loves you. Bert and you're like oh man that's like. what you want to hear why don't you want. to hear that why wouldn't you want to. hear that yeah Texas loves you Bert. let's wrap this [ __ ] up I love the. machine I love you too congratulations I. know it's going to be the number one. movie in America or we're all communists.

from your mouth to God's ears literally. okay. um anything. else.com where's the birdcrusher.com buy. tickets go see the machine this weekend. go live hold my heart go go see it bye. everybody. [Music]. okay.