Joe Rogan Experience #1954 - Bert Kreischer

[Music]. by night. you rolling hey we're up yeah do a. little podcast oh what a great [ __ ]. night last night [ __ ] yeah it was dude I. I'm telling you I woke up bubbling yeah. I felt so good and last night was my. first uh time in a managerial position. like I just came to hang out make sure.

everything ran smooth for your show it. was wild like to be at my own club where. one of my best friends is headlining. and all my other friends are opening for. them like this is amazing it was a. pretty [ __ ] sick lineup I'm like this. is so it's crazy incredible for if you. said this 10 years ago in Austin Texas. the lineup that was on last night was. insane we've been doing that a lot. though that's what's crazy like every. these Tuesday Wednesday Thursday shows. that we've been doing on here they're. just stacked dude and then and then.

let's just say highlight of my career. they're telling they're chanting the. machine and I go I'm not going to tell. it and they they start cheering it and I. go all right I'll tell it if Ron White. tells his tater salad story. people didn't even know he was up there. yes they go [ __ ] crazy he walks on. stage I FaceTime Leanne I FaceTime. Leanne it was like Ron's her favorite. comic. guy in the front rows what let recording. Tom telling taters or shooting Leanne. watching it. was amazing I mean I'll tell you right.

now it'll show you how quick there are. holes in your act because then I was. like I don't think I can tell the. machine right after that I know you're. talking about that but no The Machine's. an amazing story it's an amazing story. it's just it's you're just just. self-existing I could have I could have. sat. and broken down what I love about that. story. for the next 15 minutes I I could have. talked about that yeah now you said that. on stage I believe it yeah Ron's one of. the best storytellers of all time having. him out here is it's amazing because. he's like he's such a like a he's like.

the Statesman of Comedy you know out. here and he's so respected he's just and. he's such a good person he almost made. me cry at the end of the night I'm. preloaded and he comes up and he was. like uh. he was like thanks for bringing that was. really fun and he goes I just came out. to watch you tonight and I was like what. he was like yeah I came out to watch you. oh I'm a fan and I was like bro you. can't say that like I that I [ __ ]. killed me I was like you're that's if. there's careers that I've looked at and. wanted to emulate it's him a tell you.

know those guys are the [ __ ] my goats. you know. for sure I mean um everybody loves Iran. like I've never met a comic who doesn't. think Ron White is funny yeah they don't. exist you know yeah I don't I mean I. remember Leanne Leon's a redneck and. when the Blue Collar Comedy Tour came. out and she we went and watched it in. Hollywood at the ArcLight oh wow and she. was [ __ ] Leanne likes two things. that blue color comedy and [ __ ] Steve. Harvey if she's gonna cheat on me she's.

gonna [ __ ] Steve Harvey I can guarantee. you she sends me clips of Steve Harvey. every morning there's a clip that's. hilarious for the movie when the movie's. coming out uh uh they asked us to do. Family Feud oh wow. and now Leanne has never pushed our. girls into anything but she said I look. Grace Christ you're doing Family Feud I. don't give a [ __ ] what you say Steve. Harvey know this they know his wife has. a crush she has no idea have you ever. seen Steve Harvey eat someone made like. collard green uh uh dumplings or.

something and he goes takes a bite and. he freezes and he goes now I'm having a. black people moment right now he's the. [ __ ] greatest Leanne's obsessed with. him that's funny but she's isn't it. funny that no one has done like a movie. tour like that since you know that Kings. of Comedy Blue Collar tour and then. nothing. but those were so successful the four. people tour is the key I do fully loaded. we bring eight uh for fully loaded and.

like per show and we mentioned which we. switch it up if you order the lineup. this year no Lewis Black David tell uh. Chad Daniels Shane Gillis Mark Norman. Big Jay oakerson Dan Soder Fortune. feemster Tammy pescatello all on one. show no no we split Stavros is on it oh. wow we got a [ __ ]. sick lineup it's [ __ ] look at this. look at this that's amazing Tiffany. haddish that's amazing Jim Norton that's. amazing Jay Pharoah Rosebud Ralph.

Barbosa that's amazing yeah this [ __ ]. lineup is I just found out about Ralph. Barbosa he's a funny dude he's real. funny I just I've watched some of his. clips and then I found out that there. was some sort of a thing with George. Lopez and then so I had a little [ __ ]. in me started watching something I. watched it all too [ __ ] beef with. George Lopez and Ralph Barbosa that [ __ ]. makes me sad I don't like that stupid. [ __ ] like that I don't like beef I don't. like nonsense beef like that that's the.

dumbest kind of beef like some young guy. coming up beef like you don't like I. think it's just a misunderstanding and I. think Lopez called him up and oh did he. yeah yeah I guess they talked on the. phone or something like that's hilarious. that I know about this silly comedy beef. but. dude he's funny anyway Barbosa is fine. dude got a funny uh laid-back style I. think he's just generational you're. talking about like I think George Lopez. is like even older than Ralph's parents. probably and so it's just two different. styles of of what you would say Mexican.

comedy is I don't think that's what it. is I think it's just that George didn't. know who he was oh really yeah like. Steve Trevino was on a show and Georgia. brought him up George brought Barbosa up. and he's like who the [ __ ] is that guy. you keep bringing him up nobody knows. who that dude is oh really I just saw. that I just saw Schultz. saying someone went up to Barbosa and he. was like yeah [ __ ] George Lopez yeah I. think that's what it was I think it came. from him saying something on a podcast. but I think he was just. annoyed with Trevino bringing him the. dude's name up over and over again for.

whatever reason I don't know he's funny. as [ __ ] yeah he's funny as [ __ ] [ __ ]. yeah it's you know. that's nothing. bothers me more than like and I don't. think that's what he was doing I think. it was just like who is that guy like I. don't know what that guy is yeah I don't. think it was like I I don't like that. guy I think he just genuinely didn't. know who he was but nothing bothers me. more than like those old dudes that. don't like the young guys coming up they. don't like the fact the young guys are. coming up because I remember being in. that young guy position I'm like ah you. old [ __ ] like you [ __ ] dummy like I'm.

never gonna be like you one day one day. like if I get to your position I'm gonna. be very welcoming for the young people. man it's so stupid like but it's like a. closed door once you go through it. that's it nobody else in no more funny. no more comedians no one else is famous. just me forever and ever and ever it was. like that it was like that back then too. stingy [ __ ] yeah got the [ __ ] this. weird. thing that people have or they just want.

to be the only one that gets the. attention it's so strange man it's so. strange to like the the [ __ ] Fierce. jealousy that some people have when. other people start to make it yeah so. dumb you didn't you didn't have that I. think that's I think you you blessed us. with not having it so you look at like. Mark Norman and Shane Gillis I take them. when I do like red rocks or I do big big. venues I'll hit them up to see if they. want to do it with me. trust me trust me when I say there like. we did uh we did the Super Bowl we did.

four shows at the mullet Arena four. shows that's how that's how big those. guys are getting I love that you went to. the mullet Arena yeah how'd you not. bring Theo with you you know he was in. town that week I hit him up I hit him up. and he was like I think I lose my Powers. when I walk in there. sounds like something you would say oh. he wants to move out here does he he. doesn't he's like a [ __ ] Vagabond he. but he's got to have a tribe you know a. lot of these guys they like they didn't. understand what was anchoring them in LA.

and then one thing that was anchoring. them in La was that we had a tribe yeah. we would all get together at the store. we'd all hang out in that back bar we'd. all have fun together we all laugh and. joke and [ __ ] around then we'd see each. other's sets and we'd talk to each other. about comedy and [ __ ] you know Theo's. he's out alone now in Nashville you know. he's doing in Nashville he just decided. he had to get the [ __ ] out of La for his. mental health and so he wanted to be. like a more laid-back place in Nashville. clicked with him he is all over my.

algorithm he shows up and it's it's gay. dudes boat crashes and Theo. with me it's girls with giant asses. doing squats it's all like CrossFit. ladies dude with six packs those girls. those girls will inspire me to work out. yeah there's something about a [ __ ]. Jack chick with big thighs yeah that's. what I like my God I like a gal could. help you move a couch that's what I like. I like I'm sturdy there's a my wife does. not like it when I say that by the way.

for real it's just like when I call it. sturdy. but she's strong which is strong I like. I like strong women I like it it's I. don't like uh you know I I just don't. think that. like the the the the weak like wafey. sort of like some people are into that. weak sort of wafy looking thing like. that doesn't make any sense no. I like I like an older woman too now. yeah imagine dating a girl who's 20 now. like what.

what are you talking about like when I. see Leonardo DiCaprio going on a 19 year. old like bro what do you talk about yeah. what I mean what are you talking about. unless she's the most genius brilliant. World traveled. nuanced dude my assistant's 25 and I'll. say things to him and he'll go I have no. idea what you're talking about they can. reference a movie like Ace Ventura and. he's like. Jim Carrey who's I don't know who that. is well Jim Norton was on stage last. night he had a Three Stooges reference.

and no one laughed I'm like Jim you're. 55. like these people do not who the [ __ ]. Three Stooges is why don't you just say. Laurel and Hardy yeah like go even. deeper into the old school comedy people. yeah I couldn't live in that I couldn't. live that life where you could make. references to the things you grew up on. well you can you know it's like like. Dennis Miller always used to have. references that nobody knew what the. [ __ ] he was saying but we all catch up. yeah but we I don't like it seems like. the gap of of experience and what we.

know is has has gotten so closer where. it wasn't that way that my might I feel. like my dad and I still knew all the. same references whereas my daughter and. I do not they don't know anything that. I've ever lived or experienced and then. they'll say things to me like have you. ever heard of the band Tool and I'm like. are you being [ __ ] serious are you. being serious I buy the guy's [ __ ]. wine you kidding me and then like the. other day Ayla said to me uh uh.

you who ever heard of Alice in Chains. and I'm like yeah that was like what I. went to college to but I but I knew. Creedence Clearwater Revival I knew the. Sha Na Nas I knew all the stuff my dad. listened to I knew Sam Cook I knew those. songs my daughters have no [ __ ] clue. of any of that but you also have to. think about just the landscape of. information that's available to them as. opposed to what it was for you when you. were growing up the stuff that you got. was off the radio or off television like. that's it so you heard it either you.

heard it out of place or you listened to. it on the radio or you bought a CD. with these kids they're getting. inundated constantly and they're also. getting songs that are like Snippets off. of reels on Instagram or those little. Tick Tock videos you're getting what's. that song and then you find the song and. then you listen to it so yeah just the. landscape of [ __ ] that's available to. them is so goddamn different like so. it's how could they pay attention to all.

of it how could they look at the old. stuff it's like the the just the stuff. that's available and by the way for them. [ __ ] from 2010 is old oh how crazy that. is yeah when I was in high school okay. what year were you in high school 1981. was my freshman year in high school and. my freshman year in high school I. remember there was a guy in my. neighborhood. um that had a. 1955 Chevy it was this [ __ ] awesome. car this awesome 55 black Chevy that was.

like in mint condition and I remember. thinking wow that car's so [ __ ] old. Isn't that wild yeah but that car was. only 15 years old. wow that's what's crazy yeah that's. what's crazy if you if you think now. about like a 15 year old car like I have. a 15 year old car I have a 2007 Porsche. I love that car I drive it all the time. but that car is old as [ __ ] man like in.

that world like to kids when I was in. high school that like a 55 Chevy was. like this old classic well that's what. my car is like the word the timeline. crazy the timelines are weird now. because now you look at like my favorite. car is a 72 El Dorado the convertible. Cadillac and that's [ __ ] 50. I'm off. by 10 years it's a 25 year old car 25. yeah what yeah what I'm thinking about. is uh that and um my mom had a 1970.

Barracuda this is where I'm [ __ ] it. up in my head my mom in a 1970 Barracuda. when I was in high school and all my. friends were in love in love with they. were like oh my God they would see my. monster that's my mom's car this is. insane because in 1971 Barracuda. was uh like it had like these grilled. the front grille looked like a fish like. almost like gills like look at that car. God damn it my mom had one of those. Jesus in 1981 so I was a freshman in. high school and my mom had had it for.

quite a while but like that car in 1981. was only 10 years old. it was only 10 years old so that's a. 2013 car a 2013 cars indistinguishable. from a 2023 car like if you see a 2013. Lexus like they're the same but that to. to everybody. look at that [ __ ] car what a car I.

tried to buy one of those and uh oh my. God you need one of those I want one so. bad you should get one of those and get. it done so it's got modern brakes and. [ __ ] and modern engine that's that. should be a project that you get behind. a Burt Chrysler 1972 Cadillac. convertible let's go I was gonna buy one. and use it because this is the way my. brain works use it to promote my special. so if you just put Razzle Dazzle all. over the side of it driving around La. that's the way my brain works so so just. think about like the difference in.

timelines like how how different it is. to like look at a 1971 car and then look. at at that in 1981 and it was already a. class classic and you know this. 2023 Year we're living in you know if. you look at things from 2000 like they. don't seem that long ago but what's now. here's my question it's weird technology. from like in 19. 1961 card to a 1971 car if I'm not. mistaken the 71 car starts having. automatic windows and a and an automatic.

trunk that goes Zoom that locks down the. technology from those cars is. exponentially bigger and and you look at. the the car you have your Porsche. compared to where they are today how how. different is I mean I guess they're. [ __ ] electric now well yeah but no. the even the gas ones the internal. combustion engines they have better. Electronics they have better uh. suspension Management Systems they have. better traction control they do a lot of. different things now yeah like cars are.

and also they have like warnings to let. you know when cars are closed and [ __ ]. this cars are pretty [ __ ] incredible. now they're almost too incredible. because they're they're so fast like a. regular car like that like my mom's car. from 1970 that was slow as [ __ ] dude. really slow as [ __ ] in comparison to a. modern car like if you get like a. regular modern day uh Honda Accord it. would bury my mom's car really yeah a. little four-cylinder piece of [ __ ]. bury it yeah those cars are not fast.

they're just they work fast for the time. you know and then as time goes on and. now you're living in this weird world. where you have uh like the brand new. Hummer which is an electric Hummer which. is this giant SUV that GMC makes that go. 0 to 60 in like three seconds like that. kind of performance was unheard of in. cars no but how come that doesn't uh. translate over to F1 and NASCAR why are. NASCAR still what I mean will there be a.

NASCAR electric series at one point it. would be wild if it was but they would. lose all that sound I think that's part. of the thing that people like wow wow. can you imagine going Tom and I went to. the Daytona 500 and uh it it can you. imagine it being silent all you would. hear is a chatter of the fans. that would be so just [ __ ] creepy. dumb conversation it's like have you. ever seen How I Met Your Mother without. the laugh track on no but I have seen. Big Bang Theory that's one that's the. one I meant it's rough it's rough people.

would get bummed out I think NASCAR is. like uh it's a American tradition that's. based on moonshine Runners yeah so it's. like fun like it's [ __ ] like you go. to NASCAR you want to hear that. like if it was electric it would seem. like it's over let's see what F1 cars. are the F1 cars loud yeah they're loud. as [ __ ] yeah they're loud as [ __ ] I mean. but comparatively speaking because I. know my sister has uh uh what's the. teslan Tesla Tesla Tesla yeah and uh.

those things I mean that's scary fast. yeah ridiculously fast it's it's not. even comparative to any of the cars that. I've ever driven in and I've driven in a. lot of Fab drove Lamborghinis and and. Ferraris and the Gold Wing yeah but. what's the fastest car I own yeah yeah I. own a Tesla The Plaid one it's the. fastest car I own I own a lot of fast. cars like Porsches and sports cars and. old muscle cars the Tesla burries them. all. yeah and they're getting faster that's.

what's crazy right now they go zero to. 60 in two seconds but the the new ones. are gonna be even faster than that the. the little Speedster thing they have. what do they call it what do they call. the little one. Roadster the little Roadster thing is. like I believe it's 1.9 seconds 0-60. which is so crazy that's so fast I told. my dad not even to drive it he was in LA. last week and he goes I need a car going. don't get Katie's car you're gonna. [ __ ] kill yourself yeah but the thing. is you can drive slow and it's it's very.

easy to drive calm whereas like if. you're in a really fast muscle car like. those are kind of hard to drive slow. because they have like I don't know what. what it is but it's there's less uh. sensitivity in the acceleration those. cars are very easy to go light with it's. very easy car oh they're so nice. unless I get that poor to this electric. I don't have it yeah no a good friend of. mine has one of those that's the [ __ ]. yeah that thing is the [ __ ] it's amazing.

yeah I like amazing I like I want my car. I want my car to feel like a big [ __ ]. like just like I wanted to I want people. to see it and go oh and that's nice big. fat veiny [ __ ] big no I don't even need. to be banging. yeah polished well cared for [ __ ] right. waxed nice way nice Wheels nice and you. fit when it's soft yeah yeah thick and. soft chocolate interior yeah some kind. of ooh chocolate that's a bold move. right chocolate and tearing that's why.

it's my car I have I don't know I don't. know the type it is but it's a Mercedes. check out because of the Interior [ __ ]. he's sitting there so I can smoke a. cigar in there that's what I saw the. other day um I was at the. car dealership and they had uh electric. Mercedes I haven't seen the electric. Mercedes up close they're doing like an. S Series. it's just like a yeah by the way money. might be fake now money might be falling. apart right oh yeah how many banks have. collapsed now wait it's happening today. I don't know I was trying to follow up.

how many banks have collapsed it's at. least two correct there's at least two. it might have been three and I don't. know what happened today with the I was. on a plane with the guy who's talking. about this yesterday yeah so so the. Silicon Valley one. collapsed right yeah and so a bunch of. Silicon Valley yeah this is like 2008. all over again I don't know see this is. part of the problem with being. financially ignorant which is I am I. don't know and also being friends with. Alex Jones which I am which the [ __ ] so. I can [ __ ] I get it all these.

prepare yourself to the end of the world. I'm like oh no Alex why are you freaking. me out. I uh. I I saw I was on a plane next we got. yesterday and said that today's a big. day that it's it's coming down where. everyone's gonna [ __ ] dial if the. [ __ ] thing collapse before we get. bailed out well apparently there was a. big run on the banks today too and. people were showing up at the banks. trying to withdraw money. which scares the [ __ ] out of people when.

that kind of stuff happens that's how. Hitler became [ __ ]. prime minister whatever dictator is he. [ __ ] I've been watching this thing. how to how to make a dictator on uh. Netflix have you seen it oh it's [ __ ]. awesome I'm so obsessed with history. podcasts and history dictators and. whatnot do you know who turkmen bossy is. no are you Joe this is the most. fascinating [ __ ] guy in history right. so Turkmenistan I think is the name of. the country was part of the USSR and. when the USSR collapsed.

he got it this this guy who was just a. premier and worked you know he got the. whole country and he went around and. changed rules like [ __ ] crazy he was. a dictator but he was like he added. months so that he didn't get old faster. I mean he changed the names of the. months I mean he was a [ __ ]. lunatician he said you know what he goes. you know what here's the problem. people oh people are losing their teeth.

because they're not eating enough bones. and they're like bones he goes you ever. see a dog with missing teeth no cause. they eat bones so everyone needs to. start eating bones that guy makes sense. turkmen Bashi I I have this podcast that. I listen to It's called the dictators. and it is one of the most that is that. one podcast is the most fascinating dick. but I get I'm obsessed man I listen to. Hitler Stalin somebody was talking about. the how to make a dictator. um documentary on Netflix the other day. was it I think it was on the podcast it. might just been a conversation I was. having was it on the podcast who was it.

do you remember but they were saying. like you might you're literally like. putting up a guidebook on how to become. a dictator like people could watch it. and figure out how it's done and then. replicate it it's identical by the way. to how to get famous. I missed the [ __ ] exact same thing. you'd be shocked wow yeah I wouldn't be. shocked though right because a lot of. famous people become like dictators. that's what I thought yeah oh he's a. he's a history oh he's a real guy like.

he's a history guy we used to do history. hyenas with Giannis yeah that was fun. yeah. yeah history's fascinating when you. think that it'll never repeat itself. again. you know like oh that'll never happen. again like I just think that about war. oh we're done with that you know and now. look. dude and the the bank thing is [ __ ]. so what is exactly happening is this. something we need to be concerned about. this I watched the news yesterday to. find out the news said no do not worry. oh well then I'm worried now I'm [ __ ].

worried cause they've been wrong about. everything these [ __ ] my uncle called. me on in 2008 when uh when the housing. crisis collapsed and he was he was. [ __ ] terrified my uncle's one of the. smartest dudes I know and he was like. this is going to be real bad. there was a um house that I used to live. in in the next door to me there was a. lot that. um this guy had bought and he was. planning forever to build his dream. house it was a nice lot and had a good.

view it was beautiful. and so uh I would go out there. in like two it was like 2009 I would go. out there and there's this old guy and. he would just be raking. and uh I would see him I'd wave to him. and then one day I just said let me go. just go talk to that dude see what's. what's going on because it was you know. are you gonna build like what's. happening he goes. I was kind of but I lost everything. because that uh the 2008 thing I lost. everything I had plans I had a house. and so I'm just sitting there with this.

dude who's probably at the time 70 75. this is the last years of his life and. he's just raking. this plot of land that was going to be. the place for his dream house before the. 2008 collapse. he just realized like man the real. victims of all that Financial malarkey. the real victims of all that [ __ ]. corruption and deregulation and all the. chaos that led to so many people losing.

their houses so many people losing all. their money this [ __ ] God just raking. his thing made me so sad. Tim Dylan did that to him Tim Dylan Tim. Dylan there's so many people ah what was. I gonna do. wasn't me it would be somebody else. they were gonna blow it on pills and. women anyway. he's the best to get a call from and. goes I love man if there's nothing I. love more it's like good comedy gossip. yeah and the best is Tim going can I.

talk to you about that yeah like it gets. hard let's break out the tea. he came last night to watch yeah he was. there last night yeah he's the [ __ ]. best man it was fun last night with all. the hanging too there's so many people. hanging out oh dinner was a [ __ ]. blast oh yeah it was very fun I mean I. don't think I've ever heard the n-word. said that much. Sam and Freddie Gibbs yeah oh my oh yeah. by the way it was black people saying. yes it should be really clear.

is [ __ ] hilarious Freddy is very. [ __ ] funny so Sam she was funny last. night too we were going we were leaving. our hotel and I was with my two people. and they and some girls were dressed up. and with the hotel we stay at no one. ever stays at and I said yay ladies you. look you look fantastic today and they. say oh thanks I said what are you guys. in town for usually it's a convention. and they're like South by and I went oh. [ __ ] I said oh what's the show tonight. and they go Freddie Gibbs he does. stand-up comedy and I was like cool.

he calls like Freddy calls it cocaine. comedy yeah that's the day of his show. and they're like what show are you. seeing and I said I'm going to the. comedy Mothership they go what's that. and I go to the comedy club they go. who's there I was like nobody. and so I got in the car and then they're. like who's Freddie Gibbs I go nobody. that it's like it's not I'll tell you. later it's and then we show up to dinner. and Freddie Gibbs is there and Victoria. goes this is the Freddie Gibbs guy and I. was like just shut up yeah yeah yeah. yeah it's hilarious you just don't want. to explain things I just like nobody I.

just don't want to talk I I get in this. point where people go tell uh like. Leanne will do it like um wait tell me. what's going on with this I go no it's. just too much I just don't want to lose. I'm going to be winded [ __ ] telling. you this yeah I get it. catching people up on things is annoying. on stupid [ __ ] too and not the Ralph. Barbosa yeah that was fun. catching people up on things like what. am I doing that was funny that's exactly. what happened when we booked Ralph I got.

excited oh okay we got Ralph cause I'm. fun to watch him work you know and it's. the thing about those young guys is it. gets to see me work and I get to tell. they can tell me what I'm doing wrong. like tell me if I'm looking like when. you start looking like an old man on. stage yeah and uh. and Leann's like who's Rafa Barbosa and. I said don't worry about it how many. people do you have per show on that yeah. uh probably eight wow how much time do. they do everyone does 15 or is I just I. told everyone just to murder just murder.

so you have eight people plus you plus. me. Jesus yeah I have to [ __ ] close it so. it's two hours before you even get on. stage we have an intermission. that's a long-ass show have you seen the. places we're performing this year yeah. we're ending at the [ __ ] Gorge I told. you what's the gorge oh my God forget. it's that underground cavernous no no no. no it's an outdoor in Washington stage. and and it overlooks the like a huge. Gorge it's gorgeous it's [ __ ]. beautiful look at that oh wow yeah.

that's where we're closing fully loaded. this year that looks like where someone. would give a speech to start a new. civilization post-apocalypse that does. doesn't it yeah that's like we can rise. together From the Ashes of mankind and. build our owned Utopia. okay come out to the gourds and you can. give that speech to. [Laughter]. how many people is that seat a lot that.

looks like a hundred thousand people I. think it's 76. Jesus Christ dude that's. a big ass show I think it is but we just. didn't we're just going to do the. infield I'm sure I mean shut the [ __ ] up. fill that [ __ ] with the uh I told you I. texted you and Tom I have a private jet. waiting for you fly out fly you back. let's [ __ ] go the Hang is the best. part getting on the bus and partying. with everyone and like just big J is the. last time the last time we went Big Jay. had us laughing so hard so we have a. party bus and then we all have our own.

buses that we sleep in so we all get all. sleep in individual buses uh and yeah we. have a girls busting a boys bus and so. and then we have a party bus so we all. getting the party bus start driving we. Caravan and then when we all are pretty. [ __ ] up we call ahead they pull all. the buses aside we all get on our buses. and go to bed and big J had us I. couldn't even tell you why we were. laughing so hard on the bus we were. laughing so hard we had to pull over. and and getting our buses we're like. we're done we're done and big J right.

before about to go to bed one more thing. I go what and he goes. have you seen Jurassic Park and I'm like. Jay don't start because are we just have. we just conceded that there's dinosaurs. now. and I'm crying again is the funnest. [ __ ] hang dude. to come yeah sounds like a good time I. hope you enjoy yourself. sounds like a lot of travel Vlog travel. yeah you're a lot of away from everybody. and you're on buses all the time yeah.

you do that tour thing where you go out. for long stretches of time I don't do. that yeah I don't like it how come I. don't like being away from my family I. don't like being away from home I have. uh obligations I like to keep like a. steady schedule it keeps my mental. health in line yeah does the thing about. traveling you get disjointed and. disconnected and uprooted it's something. good about that because it allows you to. reset and just think about things and. out of the pattern of your life but also.

sometimes the pattern of your life is. how you create like a balance if you. have a good pattern I have zero balance. yeah I have zero balance so you like the. chaos of the road I like chaos I like. the I love I mean first of all it starts. with I love stand up yeah I love doing. stand up I love it more than anything. last night was the funnest night of my. life because it was all new material and. I was like I really have I have a new. hour now I just got I have the I have. the ingredients I gotta figure out how. to put it together I need a couple.

potential stories but for me I'm always. working to a special. so like I when I started this this tour. this special that's airing right now. this material started in January 2020. and so and then I did the drive-in movie. theater tour I couldn't sit at home. during the pandemic I was like I gotta. come up something right and so I started. doing this material in this drive-in. movie theater did you get that idea from. Eliza Schlessinger she was she was the. originator. [ __ ] Eliza the best about that clip.

is that you go he was doing it in June. and she goes that's wow that's really. early. [Laughter]. please. she invited me to her 40th birthday I. think she had a rave and I was like oh. she's raving I think I think she had a. rave I don't know. the uh. but so and then once I get material. going I'm like let's get on the road. let's [ __ ] get this [ __ ] good yeah. and then once I get ready for a special. once I know I have a date on a special I.

mean I'm so obsessive compulsive you. know for I think people look at me and. they think I'm a [ __ ] because I take my. shirt off and I drink a lot I'm so. [ __ ] over obsessive compulsive about. stand up that like as soon as soon as I. knew I had this the shoot date because I. mean I pick out my date based on when I. set my tour so I wanted to be a place. I've never performed that material I. wanted to know a place I can move at. least 12 000 tickets because I want to.

do a bunch of shows. and I I mean two months out I'm on I'm. on that bus I'm doing stand up every. single night every single night as many. times I get on stage and I'm moving the. material around I want it to be I wanted. to be perfect I could never do what. Chris Rock did with the live [ __ ] I. would be [ __ ] dead in the water the. live one's an interesting choice because. Louie did a similar thing Louie did it. live on his website and then he's gonna. release a full edited version of the set. and then I guess that's exactly what. Chris is doing he released it in the.

full edit the [ __ ] about Will Smith was. root. yes yeah. ruthless it's just like imagine you know. in life you play chess you move pieces. around you say I do this and the counter. would be that and like imagine the. thought like I'm just gonna slap Chris. Rock one of the greatest stand-up. comedians of all time it's not like he's. gonna tear my very vulnerable life apart. after I smack him with some of the best.

comedy that anybody's ever written and. he's gonna hone it over a year before he. releases it yeah like what a terrible. unprovoked attack. what a dumb thing to do to do to like be. that person who's like publicly loved. you know like Will Smith was until that. moment I mean until that moment nobody. really had a bad thing to say about.

maybe didn't like one movie or maybe you. thought the superhero movie was dumb or. but everybody loved that guy everybody. loves it I loved will I love will I. still love will but those two keep my. wife's name out your [ __ ] mouth those. two are what sunk him if he just slapped. Chris Rock and then sat down and didn't. say anything people would think it was a. joke they wouldn't know what to do yeah. it would kind of drift off and people. would forget about it they would think. and they would say to Chris is that on. purpose did you guys plan that oh.

he would have skate it. but we I'm so I'm not happy that it. happened but I'm happy the way it. happened because. when I was trying to explain to someone. who's not involved in Show Business how. bizarre the the industry is and how like. untethered those people are to either. morals or ethics or the just the reality. of human nature yeah they are completely.

connected to the the Zeitgeist in terms. of what's popular and what's trendy and. what's accepted by our group and what's. rejected by our group that no one has I. mean not no one but in general the the. mindset of the people in Hollywood. there's no there's very little. independent thought it's all group think. so when Will Smith After smacking Chris. Rock and all that other craziness goes.

on stage and wins the Academy Award and. gets a [ __ ] standing ovation. that was like that's those people that's. that's this they don't know what to do. they don't have the ability to say hey. that's not right I don't care if you're. famous I don't care if you just won the. Oscar you can't assault people what you. did is ridiculous the way you're. behaving is crazy it didn't even make. sense it wasn't even proportionate to. what he said it wasn't like you you.

overreacted in such a strange way I have. to wonder are you okay like what the. [ __ ] is wrong with you yeah no one did. that they are like yes it was amazing. they went to the Vanity Fair party he. was dancing it was almost like it all. went away until the rest of the world. was like are you out of your [ __ ]. mind what is wrong with you that is. crazy that that it did not get it did. not get acknowledged at all and then and. then I guess do you think that's a. testament to the internet Because the. Internet was like what the [ __ ] yes it. definitely is a testament to the.

internet because but the Internet is. just representative of most people. there's some people that thought that. Chris deserved it you know don't talk. about someone's wife there's a lot of. goofy people I had to set up you you've. made me start a new [ __ ] Twitter. account because of something I've been. off Twitter for like a year and I had to. because you sent me something about. Jordan Peterson that Chinese Dixie. looking Factory and I had to I had to. sign up for a new Twitter account do we. know if that's real I thought it was. people I looked at it I did they delete. it off of Instagram. or off of a Twitter.

so uh Jordan tweets this thing and it's. uh these guys are lying on hospital beds. in some lab somewhere with like a robot. sucking their dick and they have like. coveted masks on they're just lying on. their back with their pants off and I so. I sent it these guys did Jordan Peterson. actually tweeted it how many might have. to check in on that was a good podcast. with you and Jordan oh my God the last. one he was on fire he was on fire he's. on fire I don't have that brain well I. always want I always want uh like I. always want my viral Clips to be I like.

because you don't get to pick what goes. viral for you like you got badass viral. Clips where you're like you know like be. the person be the hero in the story you. want to be you know my viral Clips are. me laughing at [ __ ] people falling. down me laugh at those two me and Theo. have a bunch of those Theo is Theo is. great mine are legit just me laughing. just if if I can get if I can laugh it. goes It goes viral there's a there's a. video of me and my dad putting a pizza. into Pizza Oven have you seen it yes.

it's because it went viral and Tick Tock. and I'm like I'm not even in the goddamn. video it's just me and him laughing and. we have and apparently we have the exact. same laugh because we talk we go this is. the Chinese dick sucking robot show but. it says this says it's from the UK it. says it's a fetish house or something oh. it's from the UK yeah but didn't it have. Chinese writing in something there is. other stuff online that's trying to say. this is from China. okay it's from the UK what is that one.

was this the strip back the Chinese burn. bag what is I love the the memes like. you know go scroll down again the lady. getting her eyes washed out by Clorox. I [ __ ] love the internet. the internet can [ __ ] deliver. put that put that that Meme after that. video oh my God so was it so it's a UK. fetish house so it's a real video it. says I found this on WeChat they said.

this is a China's collection room for. sperm bank that's a weird statement too. that's what it says from WeChat that's. what the person that found it on WeChat. says this is probably what the caption. of the video was oh okay but but how. does it relate to the UK then it turns. out the videos from the UK oh so it's. not really fetish house is what fetish. Clinic you imagine trusting a robot on. your dick like what if it breaks what if. it goes wrong yeah of course that no not. that thing but I've had the there's a. [ __ ] thing too strong Tom and I got a.

bunch of sex toys for two bears to try. them out and uh the only ones who tried. out were the anal we did butt plugs and. uh put them in your own butt well we. tried it's really hard to get a buffalo. in their ass you'd be shocked. dude I don't know how they do it I think. you got to have someone put a butt plug. in your ass because I don't think you. could do it yourself it's too hard I. mean both of us tried pretty. aggressively oh but but one of the. things we got one of the things we got. was a [ __ ] machine.

it's like a it's a electronic blow job. somebody mentioned that on the podcast. once right and didn't they send us some. and we're like get the [ __ ] out of here. with this thing we have yeah we have. something out there yeah. no we don't want to try I mean bring it. in let's see what it is just let him. hang out and get to know us. but that thing where the chords hanging. from the ceiling I couldn't have my. hands tied up and have something on my. dick I guess here's the tweet that. Jordan yeah. she called it uh so much fun and. unbelievable techno nightmare CCP hell.

that's funny. what is what is he saying they're all. shaved but what does he say in about he. posted something about that in the LA. what you just had this is somebody else. talking about it oh just ironically read. unironically retweeted a video of BDSM. male milking dungeon in the UK claimed. to be footage of Human Rights abuses in. China. someone someone dunking on Jordan. I couldn't I couldn't uh I couldn't go.

to one of those bbsm places like that I. don't think I I know that I did I was a. dominatrix game for a day but I for a TV. show but I think I don't know if I could. welcome that into my life you know what. I mean yes I do know what you mean yeah. I don't welcome that in your life like. there's other [ __ ] to do you should be. on your tour bus yeah not laying in the. [ __ ] hospital bed getting jerked off. by a robot. but I wonder if that I wonder if the. there we go Jesus. that's [ __ ] hot. is it though that's what I think it is I.

mean why Leanne showed up in the bedroom. dress like that I'd be like that looks. like a Mortal Kombat villain yeah. there's something about latex wow. everybody's got their thing yeah the. latex thing is a weird one right like. like there's something about like the. leather and the zippers and the bondage. and the straps like what is that like. dudes like to get ball gagged and kicked. in the nuts that I can't understand but. I do understand I do understand.

they pay for it they're tied behind. their back with a [ __ ] ball in their. mouth getting kicked in the nuts oh. they're CEOs they like that [ __ ] that's. it right yeah they're CEOs never tell. you the time when Norton and I were. having dinner after a show and we're in. in Austin and some lady comes up to him. because she knows he's into BDSM yeah so. he's in the dominatrist and she comes. over and tells us that she's a. Dominatrix and uh we're like no way so.

she sits down with us and and tells us a. story because she knows it Norton's into. it and uh tells us it's like mostly. these very uh very wealthy business. owners and CEOs and these like. button-down guys and then they what they. really want to do to blow that steam off. is just be really naughty they want to. be naughty boys they want to be told. what to do and the girl dominates them. and she goes it's not even really sexual.

like a lot of times like sometimes they. jerk off but a lot of times they don't. even it's like not sexual at all it's. like they just want a woman to tell them. what to do while they're naked and yell. at them and make fun of them and mock. them. I I uh once I came I'd be like all right. the game's over yeah I'm [ __ ] going I. gotta get an Uber out of here I'm. embarrassed of who I am when I did it. the they did everything to me the. electric shocked my balls they put 10. pound weights on my balls like they put. a oh my God like a [ __ ] ring ball thing.

and then hold them down pounds is. [ __ ] heavy I think it was 10 pounds I. don't know I was tied up I was tied up. totally [ __ ] naked this is a TV show. mind you totally [ __ ] naked they I. mean completely naked I think they. shaved me and I was like at one point I. was like am I shooting a porn this feels. like uh we're shooting porn and uh never. got hard. until. they put me in this thing like latex. they she wrapped me in it and she slid a. tube in it and she squirted some sort of.

lube into the tube and started moving it. around inside the latex and I and I was. bound I was completely bound and a. second it hit my dick we had a safe word. it was marshmallow the second it hit my. dick I realized oh this is this is the. moment where you go I can't say no I'm. gonna keep this going so I was like. marshmallow she was like what I go. Marshall I'll get me out here if you do. a little bit more I'm not gonna I'm not. gonna say anything and I'm gonna come in. this [ __ ] thing and everyone's gonna. be [ __ ] weird ew yeah that was the.

but yeah I don't I I don't mind seeing. videos and stuff but the second I come. I'm like I'm [ __ ] done with this I'm. out someone told me about uh the videos. of um the massage videos where it was a. woman I think it was my Nikki Glaser I. don't know I'm sorry Nikki if I. misremembering he's into some weird [ __ ]. Nikki she's open and honest about it. yeah yeah I couldn't I'm into weird [ __ ]. but I'm not open and honest about it. she's in a gangbang videos. really is that what you said she was a.

dude I don't understand I couldn't oh. man I don't understand the whole gang. bang thing. yeah yeah I don't get it either I don't. want to watch it I can't imagine two. dudes with one girl like that I can. imagine that people are into anything. and that people there's gonna be people. that are into that but if that's like. your thing like where's the Gang Bang. video there we go found my spot you know. if you got like gang bang videos. bookmarked on your computer like what.

you're just hoping to show up where. anybody could [ __ ] this person and just. Pile in I uh. Tom and I went to a dominatrix together. for a live show one time. and uh. and I'm I'm game for anything and. Leanne's cool cause they didn't give a. [ __ ] she knows we're you know Adriana. offered me and Tom to have a double team. on her and Jesus so we called our wives. we're like hey can we [ __ ] Adriana. chechik and Leanne's like [ __ ] no I. go okay what if we both wear strap-ons. and what [ __ ] with the strap-ons and.

we won't Tom's like what are we gonna do. with our dicks I go we're jerking off. time don't worry and then she goes and. then and then and then Leanne's like no. I go what if we turn the strap-ons. backward like tails and we [ __ ] her. backwards we're not even looking and. she's like no but like we green like. this dominatrix thing so we go and they. do everything they spank us and they. they whatever and then at the very end. she tethers our [ __ ] together with this. Electric. like shock shocker thing. and starts electrocuting our [ __ ] and.

we're tied together we're closer than me. and you were I mean like we're [ __ ]. like we're moving a chair. this recently this is yeah for New. Year's Eve a couple years ago. and uh and so yeah there we are. and we get done. and we're like all right everything's. wrapped up and then she looks at me and. Tom she goes. you guys want to come. and I mean you want to talk about a. moment a pregnant pause Tom and I look. at each other and we're like huh. no. she and Tom goes wait how would you do.

that she goes I'll take you guys over. there I got this little machine I could. make it come in like [ __ ] 30 seconds. and Domino look at each other like. Netflix we don't want that let's just. leave. and then we're gonna leave and the girl. one of the another dominatrix comes in. it goes oh my God Tom's the girl I'm. such a big fan he's like oh what's up. he's like do you know my friends he goes. no I've never seen him instead of Tom. starts giggling she goes can I get a. picture and he's like yeah sure so they. go to get a picture she goes on your. knees Pig and he's like huh she goes on.

your [ __ ] knees and Tom just gets on. his knees and they take a picture of him. Jesus Christ God it's a [ __ ] weird. world it is it is you know some people. are into golf. there was a DOT I was I wanted to bring. this up earlier because I forgot about. it there was a documentary that they did. about this woman who participated in a. hundred man gang bang. it was like an open public gang bang and. she was very intelligent like a very.

smart person who was like a college. student at the time. like an Asian lady if I remember. correctly really yeah and she you know. was kind of relaying what it was like to. have all these people inside of her and. talking about the fingernails scratching. her because he was just men off the. street that participated in these. gangbangs like guys could just sign up. and [ __ ] this famous porn star but what. I mean I'm just. oh it's just craziness I don't.

understand you're getting herpes but. there was there's this thing that was. going on. for a while where they were there was. records to see like who had the biggest. gang bang there was another woman who. was like in competition with her at. first remember that I remember the. Houston 500. that's right Houston I. think she is 600 I think is what the end. of the day she [ __ ] like 600 different. men yeah over a period of like many many. hours but I think this other woman.

did a gang bang movie see if you can. find them because it was a movie about. it the Houston 500 was this the right. but that's not the one with the smart. lady the smart lady was uh there was a a. documentary about an Asian porn star who. did a massive gang bang but there's like. it's just it was just weird because they. like if I remember it correctly it was. quite a long time ago like 20 years ago. but they were talking to her about it. like what was it the experience like and.

I was like I think this is yes Annabelle. Chong that's it yeah. why the 90s porn star Annabelle Chong. was arguably the most famous Singaporean. in the world two decades later she talks. about what she's been doing since she. vanished from the public eye. so see if you can find the movie about. her. so that's like a recent thing on that's. gotta there's got to be something I mean. I know I don't mean this disrespectful. but there's got to be something broken. inside her brain maybe that fixed it. maybe it's just like just needed 500.

[ __ ]. I don't know I mean I would try to say I. would say I would say yes probably but. like I don't know why people like what. they like yeah it's it's very. interesting when you know people. whatever they like ball gags well I'm. not gonna I don't I won't Kink shame her. but at the same time if you're gonna say. that this is okay as a then like you. gotta go like I'm like I'm not into. rough sex I've never understood rough. sex because for me sex is about like.

have showing my vulnerabilities or. whatever but like dudes like it and then. people get King shamed because they like. rough sex then all of a sudden everyone. like comes out and they [ __ ] don't. like them well rough sex the thing that. scares people is the rough sex is the. next door neighbor to violence. like rough sex and then violence against. women if they're like so close to each. other but chicks I remember some chicks. like it I've never been with a chick. that's ever asked for Robin sex that's. it the Annabelle Chong story so it's a. documentary from 99. wow a document.

explores uh see if you can get the. Annabelle challenge adult film star. whose claim to fame is the world's. biggest gangbang where she had sex with. 251 men in 10 hours what the [ __ ] the. film is an attempt to understand her. motivation she has a degree from USC and. gender studies oh it's not a real degree. and is an intelligent woman with very. clear ideas and understanding about her. life but she has two very different yet. fascinating personalities yeah that was. what was interesting about it was that.

she's a very smart person but is doing. this thing that you would think would be. a very terrible idea you got to bring. that up on a first date right oh yeah I. would think yeah don't wait until you. really love each other. because that's going to be a hard one to. get past do you when this is an intimate. question you don't have to ask this but. when you met your wife did you ever ask. how many people have you been with and. no no I don't think that that do you. really want first of all do you want to. dwell on it do you want to dwell on all.

the guys she [ __ ] do you want to tell. all the the girls you [ __ ] like why. I've only had sex with six chicks I know. you talk about that on stage yeah I. almost had sex with sick chicks so I'm. but that [ __ ] story toe is so funny. about what about the the one night stand. showing up at your show oh oh oh I told. that last night yes oh [ __ ] oh [ __ ] yeah. I totally did oh that's hilarious yeah. oh that was great save that okay save. that oh yeah that was a good one oh [ __ ]. yeah well that's the cool thing about. watching a whole new hour get launched.

because I just go I go up like a like a. fire hose and just start trying like as. ideas come to me I'm just like spitting. them out spit them out spin them out but. no that was what was so cool was watch. you navigate through that process like. and knowing that it what but also. everyone there to see you do it so it. was fun I saw Christina do that too she. did that at the creek really it's right. after her Netflix special she went up at. the creek with notes and [ __ ] around. it was fun it's interesting because I. that is the stand-up I used to do before.

I started doing bigger venues when I. first did my first theater Tommy called. me and he was like it's got to be a. little more structured you'll see but it. needs to be a little more structured and. I didn't understand it was talking about. and I realized it can be fun it can be. wild but you can't any of the club Chief. codes that we have there's I don't know. if you can't explain it to everyone but. there's some cheat codes you can get in. the club to like muscle your way through. a bit that you can't get in a theater. exactly and you definitely can't do it. in an arena right yeah there's an. intimacy in the club that makes [ __ ]. around a different thing you can't [ __ ].

around like that when you're doing 15. 000 people it's just too weird it. doesn't make sense and the and you can't. go fast when you're doing an arena. because I I tell us everyone when the. first arena show you do take your time. yeah because it's got to get all the way. back there and then it's got to get back. all the way up here Arena timing is. different yeah isn't that funny it's I. haven't talked about Arena timing did. you ever think of that oh you're on the. Travel Channel you'd be talking about. Arena timing.

if you told me to read a diary if you. told me I would I would never imagine. that I'd be where I am today when I. first did this podcast like the first. day I did this podcast and I got the car. red band and I had 3 000 followers on. Twitter and we were driving home and I. was wasted and I was like that was funny. [ __ ] to tell me that I am today you know. that I'm. in the middle of an arena tour I have a. movie coming out I have a Netflix. special. I'm a fifth [ __ ] special I I I'm just. I I never I don't deserve it I like I.

don't I don't feel like I've I feel like. there's so many people so much better. than me I just it's not about that you. don't you definitely deserve it and you. know it's not like so many people. deserve it no it doesn't exist for them. you made a thing you figured out a path. and you got through and it's it's great. and people love it it's like it's not a. matter of whether or not you deserve it. of course you deserve it I was lucky I. was lucky in that everyone's lucky I. [ __ ] up I I went I. there's a couple things of advice that.

I'm really glad I took. the number one number one bit of advice. I that I'm glad I took is when you came. up to me at the ice house with uh with. the whiskey shots of Jack and two beers. and you said hey we're trying to be your. friend you got to let us and I I did not. want any friends I did not want a. [ __ ] friend I had my kids my wife I. was good I remember you were like just. we're trying to be your friend just let. us be your friend and I was like I'm so. grateful that it was you that said it in.

that moment and that I I listened. because I the group of friends I have. now is so wide and so thick and it's. because of that one moment because I. just was like [ __ ] Comics they're crazy. well I knew that you had had some bad. experiences with some other Comics that. we know one one in specific that we know. that's out of his [ __ ] mind and I was. like dude you just you you met some bad. people that's all it is like this is a. good group I remember we love you I. remember saying to Red Band I we were at.

the improvis before I met you and I said. I kind of met Red Band on new Ari and I. said so what's wrong with you and. they're like what and I go what's wrong. with like what's he is he is he gay or. what to say and they're like what do you. mean like I was like no one's ever this. nice like something's going on he needs. something he wants something what's he. trying to get and they're like nothing. and then Ari did this like this little. oh let me tell you never paid for a meal. around Joe fly first class put up nice. treats his just right the greatest guy.

in the [ __ ] world and I was like okay. I'll wait till he tries to kiss me and. tell you guys and then and then uh. and then you and Bill telling me that my. TV show sucked and I needed to get focus. on stand-up but I'm glad I listened to. that it's like amazing if you if I. didn't I mean I had obviously you know. my respect I have for you but I have the. same for Bill and then yeah and then and. then that phone call you gave me in. Vietnam well I was high and I was in The. Green Room of The Comedy Store yeah and.

I called you up just because I missed. you I was like what's he up to and then. when you answered and you're like I'm on. a motorcycle I'm in Vietnam it was like. a. overwhelming voice in my head was like. you gotta get this guy to quit that. [ __ ] show I was like you gotta quit. that show like you have to quit you're. too funny I go you would be a you should. be a huge stand-up comedian I you know. but what's crazy is I think now my maybe. now you can hear that advice and connect. to where I am today and going okay he's.

doing he's got a movie coming out he's. got all these big things but you don't. believe in yourself then you're just. some some [ __ ] 1500 a week comic a. three thousand dollar a week comic maybe. at the time going like it'll never. happen for me we were saying this before. the podcast started when I was younger. when before I met Leanne and then right. when I met Leanne I wanted it so bad I. wanted what I have now I wanted it so. bad but I thought it would be different. it's it's not what it I thought it was. going to be but I wanted it I watched.

Dane you know I'm very I'm 100 honest so. if it bothers anyone what I'm about to. say I'm fine I watched Dane blow up and. I was I was I wasn't jealous I was. envious I was like how cool he goes to. like he like those movie stars and then. I'm so grateful. that I didn't get what I wanted I'm so. grateful that it didn't show up until I. was 44 and then now I'm 50 and like and. like I can really appreciate that like I. can really appreciate it I would it. would never have meant what it means to.

have Ron White watch me do stand up yeah. it means something to me like I'm so. like when I did the Boston Garden I I. [ __ ]. I cried on stage well I'm gonna cry. telling you this but it's it's standing. ovations are interesting because uh. you can cheat them I I did this to Ari. one time I was like I go you want me to. show you how to get Standing Ovation and. he was like wait you can get a standing. ovation it was super easy I'll show you. and I walked him through like a. five-point PowerPoint process of how to. get a salivation and he was I mean Joe.

it was almost like the day he lost his. religion in Judaism. he's just like that's not fair. is anyone else upset by this but when. you get them and you've earned them and. that and it happens quick and it's just. and everyone stands up that has happened. a few times to me and every time I. [ __ ] cry I'm just like boom water I. cry easy too I think I'm [ __ ]. thank God I'm on testosterone a lot of. estrogen a lot of estrogen my.

testosterone levels were so bad that. Brigham was like I have to call you they. but yeah like those uh I never thought. I'd never thought it'd be where I am and. if it and if it all goes away tomorrow I. go that was a fun [ __ ] ride it's like. riding a horse it's [ __ ] been a. goddamn trip but the key is now with the. success you have is recognizing that. there is no destination that's none. because this thought that you're gonna. get somewhere and it's all gonna make. sense no what what happens is your.

motivation shifts your motivation shifts. from this undesirable of this this. Unstoppable desire to make it then your. motivation should shift to doing the. best work that you can that was my my. last night last time I'm I don't get a. nervous going on stage but very seldomly. do I prepare like prepare where I go. let's think very thoughtfully about what. we want to let's let's turn this into a. job and let's work and last night I sat. down before dinner with you and I wrote.

every new idea I had down and I said I. got my book I'm gonna I remember a lot. of them I want to do. I'm gonna make sure I hit all of them. because I was like there's a chance that. like Jim Norton I didn't know Jim would. be there but like there's a chance that. I know that you'll be there and I go. these are my peers and I want to make. sure they know that I'm working does. that make sense the second years your. peers stop working and I don't say their. names but we've seen them yeah the big. Comics that just phoned it in and yeah. and and I go. and I was very thoughtful in my approach.

to doing stand-up last night because I. was like I I was like. I was like that's that's when it goes. away is when you just when you stop. giving a [ __ ] you stop bringing around. that's with everything in life that's. when your marriage [ __ ] up that's when. your friendships [ __ ] up that's when. you're a bad neighbor that's when you're. a bad dad that's when you're bad at your. job it's it's when you suck at a sport. you know I mean a lot of things in life. is whether or not you appreciate them. because being in them and recognizing.

like when we were kids when we were. starting out doing stand-up the idea. that making a living doing stand up was. crazy like we always had jobs right. everybody had jobs in the beginning so. you're like imagine if I could only pay. my bills through comedy that's insane. and then you're like oh how come he's. got an HBO special I don't have an HBO. special it's like it's so easy to get. caught up in the stupid parts and just. not appreciate it not appreciate. appreciate your health not appreciate.

like that's the feeling that I always. get if I ever get sick. is that feeling when I get sick like oh. my God. this is terrible I am going to. appreciate health so much more as soon. as I get better because when you feel. like run down and tired and weak you're. like oh no what is it what an awful. feeling like I have to recognize that my. health is a [ __ ] it's of utmost. priority you got to be healthy and don't. just think about it when you get sick.

because when you're healthy you think. about all kinds of stupid [ __ ] you don't. think about make sure you don't get sick. but when you're sick you're like oh my. god I've got to get healthy nothing. matters until you're healthy if someone. could say look you could stay sick for. the rest of your life but you never have. to work again you're going to have. unlimited income but you're gonna feel. like absolute dog [ __ ] every day you'd. be like no no that's not a life that's. not life life is when you're healthy and.

no one thinks like that when they're. healthy because when you're healthy you. just think about stupid [ __ ] like why. don't I have the car that I want why why. does she have those shoes and I don't. why is this and that and he is caught up. in your own [ __ ] head did what so I. woke up this morning well I partied. pretty hard last night but uh I woke up. this morning and I. I and I was wondering what your. motivation was because I woke up and I. had slept on my hand and so my my hand. was asleep in the morning so I was like.

I had a stroke oh and so then I went oh. my God I thought you're gonna tell me. you jerked off to the Dead Hand put it. on there and just shut up numb handed it. God I wish you had been in bed with me. I'd give you advice but I spit in your. hand first don't be scared you're so. [ __ ] your own numb hand but I got up. and I went and I and I realized all my. hands just asleep and then immediately I. go it's that Health thing I go I'm going. to the gym here we go four miles let's. do it do four miles head over Rogan eat. salmon do be healthy I'm uh I'm telling.

you I've never been more motivated with. health because of the dealing with waste. Wellness because once you start taking. that accountability you go well then now. it's time to ride the boat for real. um and so uh but I go I want I know my. motivation for working out is punitive. it's more like I'm I get angry at myself. I go way to go [ __ ] face that's how okay. you wanted to have last night then this. is the morning you get you want to come. home [ __ ] have a take a roadie with. you and drink it in your bed in your.

room then you would get up and you could. do four miles let's go and I was like I. wonder because I know I never understood. when I before I worked out the way I do. now I never understood the way your. brain worked about your that without. working out you'd want to [ __ ] kill. someone that you it kind of centered you. yeah and I get that now I get once I can. feel like [ __ ] but once I push it out of. me I feel amazing yeah it's medicine. it's medicine for everybody it's not. just for me it's for everybody it's just. it's hard to do that's all it is and you.

got to recognize that it's hard to do. but you have to still do it and if you. can force yourself to do it it's better. it's that simple it's like really all in. in that form and you also don't have to. do anything that hard the the thing. about exercises if you can get a really. good sweat going and get your heart rate. up and push that's great but if you. can't and you just want to walk around. your block that's way better than not. why walking around your block like. everything is good everything you could. do is good up until you get injured. right so do it smart do it smart and do.

it regularly and build up don't go like. if you have been working out for 20. years don't immediately join a [ __ ]. CrossFit class and blow your back out. like do it smart like do it slowly at. first start with push-ups get a chin up. bar build up and then after a few weeks. of being very consistent with that then. start going to a gym maybe if you can. afford to get a trainer if not there's. tons of YouTube videos oh dude Netflix. Netflix has a new workout series have. you seen it oh no Netflix has a new. workout series let me pee and then we'll.

talk about it yeah sure I'm so over. hydrated lately I used to be the champ. of not pissing during podcasts but when. I went to ways to well I found out I was. dehydrated it was probably because I was. right after coming out of the sauna that. I got my blood work done but I'm like. God damn it and I have been over. hydrating since then but I feel [ __ ]. great really but I have to pee all the. time all right go piss and bring back a. Cube. our boy Aaron Rodgers went to the Jets. what's that I think our boy Aaron. Rodgers went to the Jets oh yeah I think.

so someone was asking me about that. I love that dude. Aaron Rodgers is a saint nicest guy he. could ever meet it's coolest dude does. not feel at all like he's famous no he. dude feels like a [ __ ] totally normal. regular guy he showed up are we rolling. we're back he showed up uh. I texted him on Twitter I made a message. about him on Twitter when I was in Green. Bay I was doing the rest center right. next to the lambo and uh he DMS me he's.

like are you trolling me [ __ ]. and I'm scared I was like he brought man. energy like athletes bring man energy to. you any any cage fighter I've ever. [ __ ] talked to man energy I talk [ __ ]. about uh never mind I'm bringing that up. so uh yeah so uh I said I said me and. Tom are gonna jump Nate Diaz one time oh. no and and Shane girls is like that was. a mistake because I don't say that so uh. so it was a joke Nate just joking big.

fan so uh adms me and I'm and I I panic. I'm not good at talking celebrities so I. call Tom who's awesome at it that's he's. better at that than stand up and he goes. just DM him back say huge fan would you. like to get to my show that's it so I. write back not what I would ever write. you know I'd write like a paragraph of. no no no no I love you I think you're. awesome your hair looks so cool I love. it when it's wet or whatever and so uh. sorry so I DM exactly back and then he. writes back no huge fan I just didn't.

know he's like are you at the restaurant. tonight it's like yeah and he's like can. I stop by and I'm like oh wow that's how. Tom gets in these bands of these. celebrities so I text back yeah and then. he just shows up regular ass dude yeah. knocks on the window over a bus. walks in smells awesome got his wet hair. and he was the coolest [ __ ] hang like. no pretense I mean I gotta be honest. with you and I made jokes about this but. like. we had a camera on and Aaron Rodgers was.

so open and honest about everything that. I actually said can we turn this camera. off because I don't ever want him. thinking where I'd ever leverage any of. that [ __ ] he was just the realest dude. and and he's been the sweetest guy like. he uh I texted now I want to know what. the [ __ ] he said he just opened up that. door why'd you do that let me tell you I. I bow with secrets I'm really bad with. Secrets but Aaron Rodgers until the day. I [ __ ] keep your secrets until this. podcast is over and then he's gonna. [ __ ] tell me I can almost guarantee.

you right now you tell me and tell you. but uh almost guarantee do you want a. cigar yes I [ __ ] love a cigar. did you hear the joke I had about Tommy. last night no no about secrets. I'll save it. I got a good one that motherfucker's. going down. what kind of scars you got look at that. [ __ ] human work Joe it's a pretty. joke right oh oh These your cigars yeah. oh I [ __ ] yes do you know who loves. these cigars is Bobby Kelly yeah no he. said that Bobby knows his cigars these. are from Foundation cigars Foundation.

cigars makes good cigars yeah I was very. skeptical when they just said they were. gonna make a JRE cigar I'm like oh this. is gonna suck do you ever think do you. ever look back at how much you've. changed in the last 10 years. bro how much have I changed like you. weren't a cigar guy ten years ago oh. yeah but you want a cigar guy and you. know what else you're wearing can I call. you on what else you weren't which I. wasn't either but now I am you weren't a. watch guy yeah you were not a watch guy. well the UFC bought me a watch they. bought me a Rolex really it's really. nice and then uh I did a podcast with.

Matt Farah you know Matt from smoking. guitar of course I know Matt Farah and I. was making fun of watch people I'm like. what are you gonna watch this for what's. wrong with you and then as time went on. um I bought a watch and then I started. getting into the mechanics of them in. the auto I didn't I didn't even before. know the difference between like a. quartz watch and an automatic watch. thank you I was like what's the. difference who gives a [ __ ] if it. [ __ ] ticks or the thing and then I. started realizing like oh my God there's. all these little tiny pieces and the. movement of your wrist is what oh I'm.

sorry the movement of your wrist is what. makes the [ __ ] watch wind and that it. could stay winding forever like that. like what. and I just started getting into the. history of how these things were made. and how crazy it is that someone figured. out how to make these little springs and. gears move. exactly to the tune of 24 hours in a day. like it's pretty wild the ones that blow.

me away are the moon phase watches yeah. those moon phase watch it like so I I. don't know what I like I have to have. someone tell me what I like sometimes. like with cars with watches I always go. to Tommy Tom's been really good at like. telling me what what's cool and what. what to dig what that. uh even with this watch I I didn't know. that I wanted it. I didn't know what I wanted and then I. had to see it and then I was like oh. this is I like that I like a Rolex. Daytona everybody loves that that's the. panda it's the [ __ ] it's the [ __ ].

this is this is my and and now I go well. do I need another watch so I sit next to. this dude on an airplane yesterday. talking about the financial crisis and. he starts telling me about watches and. he's like have you seen Rolex as a moon. phase watch it's called a Cellini or. something and he's like that's the. [ __ ] gangster watch you see the one. that I gave Lex Friedman you ever see. that watch yeah yeah that's a Omega. Speedmaster but it has the moon phase. built into it with an and a high. resolution tiny image look at this look. at this it's beautiful watch and he said.

it's. he says this is the most slept on watch. shout out to things yeah that's gorgeous. it's a gorgeous [ __ ] watch. that's so pretty. I just love how many I don't have a lot. of leather banded watches because I I. don't I don't I'm a thoughtful person so. I get showers and pools. so I need to have a watch that can deal. with everything right right you need a. waterproof watch too. I like dive watches those are my. favorite because I like to turn the. bezel when someone's on stage I was like. explaining it to Tony and those guys.

okay this is the reason why I have a. dive watch when you go on stage I'll put. that little bezel to the minute hand. yeah and I'll know exactly how long. you've been on stage so I don't have to. go how long has you been up and thinking. like when do I go up instead I just look. at my watch it shows me because you know. it's always a little off two minutes you. know someone's supposed to go on at. eight they go on at eight or four and. like you don't know when you get off. yeah and so to have that little feature. on a dive bezel where the bezel spins. around to the minute hand is [ __ ]. huge the GMT is my I totally and I.

wouldn't buy a watch for a year because. she gave me this for my birthday and she. was like respect it's a gift and enjoy. it for at least one year before you go. buying another watch wow she tells you. what to do huh bro you have no [ __ ]. idea I don't like that I don't think. you'd enjoy being inside our house and. watching our marriage if I gave you my. ring cam or my my Nest cam I think. there'd be a couple times where you call. me and go hey man I need to give you. some advice real quick but maybe that. wouldn't mind you know maybe it's not. good advice you guys seem like you got a.

good relationship well I don't you need. a mom. no no we need someone to. maybe you need someone to tell you what. to do I dude I definitely I have no idea. about anything we were we were building. uh. you know we did the podcast out of the. house out of the I have a guest house in. the back and we were doing it out of. there and Leanne just [ __ ] went off. the reservation one day and bought a new. house Jesus Christ I was like we're. doing we're gonna build a podcast Studio. out of this house and I was like huh she.

was like yeah and I was like and I start. paying because I don't know I don't know. about how much money comes in or how I. don't know anything about that and I was. like hold on hold on a second you just. bought a [ __ ] she goes trust me it's. a great investment it's a great house we. got a great price on it we got a low. interest rate. and we're going to turn this into. because I've always my my the old. compound you had in La was like my. favorite thing I ever saw where I was. like this is the [ __ ] goal this is. the top that when you can have like your. podcast set up where you go in and you.

work and then you go home in your home. like I go this is the goal even Tom this. current one you have now is next [ __ ]. level the one Tom has it's [ __ ] great. it's like an office it's an office and. Leanne goes we're gonna hire people. we're gonna we're gonna change your. business we're gonna take control of. your business I've also another little. like top of the mountain is Stanhope the. way he operates because Stanhope has. everything in-house everything in-house. he's got his tour manager his manager. it's like really kind of cool to have. your own little pirate ship so she. bought a house she built me a podcast.

studio in it it's [ __ ] sick she built. it two bears one cave set for when Tommy. comes out she put her podcast studio in. there she's rebuilding our kitchens I do. something's burning she she tore out the. kitchen and rebuilt a camera friend only. kitchen that shoots this way and she's. she's a gangster man I I don't I would. be I could not have married the kind of. chick I jerk off to. [Laughter]. does that make sense does that matter is. that bad does the fact there's zero.

pause between all the compliments of her. and that I could not have married a. chick that I jerk off to but you know. what I mean I mean I hope that's I hope. that doesn't sound bad so I want to edit. that out no keeping it kidding I'm. keeping in indeed I I I love my wife I. love her I'm gonna attracted to her but. man like the chicks you see that you. jerk off to those chicks couldn't build. me a podcast Studio you never know they. wouldn't believe it is mutually. exclusive like like certain body shapes.

and types and looks yeah they also can't. can't get it together with other stuff. and work I used to date a chick who. would put her makeup on naked in front. of a mirror. I thought it was the hottest thing in. the world. Leanne doesn't do that. but if you look at that chick now. she's still putting her make it up and. naked on the front of the [ __ ] mirror. do you think so yeah I know so I know so. okay and so I look at her life and I go. I'm so glad don't you think that. attractive women when they get older and.

the attractiveness sort of goes away. some of them are forced to kind of like. look at life in a different way and it's. probably probably not the worst thing. for them some dealers or some of them. some deal with it right some deal with. it wrong Natasha legere definitely. didn't like when I said this oh Jesus. but uh. I watched Leanne had a friend who was a. model and uh and she got old. and she got older and she gained some. weight but she still had a model brain. right so like.

that's the right way to say this I knew. this movie star one time who his wife. said the problem with him he was always. a fat kid and he'll always be a fat kid. no matter how much weight he loses in. his mind he's still a fat kid yeah I. grew up in shape my whole life so I. don't even see me as fat now at all. I feel like I'm [ __ ] jacked I mean. dead serious I walked in the dream with. my fight I wasn't joking but it's so. great my shoulders are [ __ ] awesome. I'm benching 275 I'm [ __ ] jacked. right now. same thing happens with hot chicks I.

mean I had a friend who was a hot chick. and I watched her try to get the. bartenders attention. and. it was something that must have come. easier to her when she was younger but. now it was so difficult and she couldn't. figure it out. and I it was like watching Superman get. locked out of his house and she was just. like this like the [ __ ] is wrong with. this guy and I'm like oh the the cachet. you had when you were younger that you. thought was just given to everyone you. didn't realize that was a privilege. because you were beautiful now you're. realizing what it's like to be me like. just be a regular person at the end of a.

bar trying to get a [ __ ] drink yeah. and it's it's interesting some people. handle it well and some people don't I. mean it's I mean it probably goes hand. in hand with with Fame and notoriety. yeah but. so I'm lucky that I grew up like a. mediocreally attractive never like. jacked never super talented guy because. I think it gives you empathy. well I think that you can really get. confused if you're super attractive and.

think that you know whatever that's what. production that you get is normal that. you deserve it or that you're special. like because it's really somebody said. this I forget who it was we've said this. quote before but beauty is a short-lived. tyranny. or some [ __ ]. Socrates is he the guy that they killed. they gave him a hemlock. um is that Socrates you know Socrates. they made him come up in front of the.

thing and say you can live beauty is. Socrates is a [ __ ] beauty is a. short-lived tyranny yeah that's kind of. what it is like when someone is really. really beautiful like everyone just pays. attention to when they walk into a room. like oh my God look at her like people. they just they're over wet like it's. royalty it's like human royalty right. it's like there's royalty like royal. family but then there's royalty like. genetic royalty and really beautiful.

people or like genetic royalty. they have a thing that no one else can. have and and other people want it this. is why those filters exist you want to. pretend you have it you know you want to. like pose like you have it like there's. a lot of people that get their face. chopped up to try to achieve it but some. people are just born with it but that's. why then that and they are born with it. but that's why a guy like say Tim Dillon. is who Tim Dillon is it's because of. course it didn't and nothing came easy.

to him yeah and so he had to form a. brain that could talk circles around. [ __ ] any of those. I think that's. I mean I'm sure it speaks on on many. levels but like I go I'm so lucky I had. to learn how to be funny yeah because I. couldn't get just get [ __ ] by standing. in a corner walked into the party like. you were walking into a yacht You Know. That You're So Vain Carly Simon oh yeah. let's play it let's play it and you play.

music oh my God this [ __ ] song was. somebody played it in the bar in the the. mitzi's bar the other day [ __ ] great. hang by the way it's a great hang but uh. we're doing it right we're all singing. it wrong yeah you're doing it right. you're doing it right yeah you're doing. it really right it can be done I hope I. get to go to your funeral. [Music]. hold on get it from the beginning look. at her. yeah this this version is gonna suck. because it's live see if you can find a. non-live version here it is oh look at.

her nipples she was so hot she was so. [ __ ] hot she is so [ __ ] hot look. how hot she was this is like 70s hippie. Carly Simon hot by the way she looks. like she could swallow Mike Tyson's fist. with that mouth the size of that mouth. real teeth so hot. [Music]. this is about Warren Beatty. [Music].

and all the girls. [Music]. probably think this song is.

[Music]. break up with Carly Simon and have her. write a song about you that's awesome. if she is [ __ ] beautiful she's so hot. was she still alive yeah but look at. that picture that's about as hot as a. woman gets you just get different you. don't get hotter than that there's like. levels of hot there's so many levels of. what I'd be attracted to on this first. of all number one no bra number two. number two her hands she's got great. hands number three.

her smile. is what they try to emulate in plastic. surgeon's office. oh big bigger top lip great teeth those. are real teeth jokes yeah those are made. for the veneer days yeah that's [ __ ]. she's still alive. she was so hot dude how old is she now. whoa whoa. that's so crazy life is so fleeting it. sucks she was so young and hot and. beautiful and [ __ ] talented man that.

voice is incredible look at how look at. her lips in this in the third picture. over the left look at her lips I mean I. don't mean to oh my God those are that's. what they do plastic surgeons are doing. that today top dollar and she had it. natural great eyebrows in 1971 son knows. could use a little work but her hair a. little bit of a thick nose go to the. older one go to the old one she's. definitely got a nose job maybe not bro. leave her alone. there were clouds in my coffee clouds in.

my coffee and. You're So Vain. she's beautiful. [Music]. natural boobs 1971 wearing bell bottoms. look at that. by the way we're gonna find out she was. 17 in this picture no no chance it's got. to be young as [ __ ] what do you how old. was she in 71 65 I think so this should. have been 22. well she was 71 she's got.

to be 25 roughly at 71. that uh natural boobs man that's the. [ __ ] thing that's the move. little tiny ones nope but what if they. could just shoot something in them make. them grow like a peptide. I don't know like a titty peptide Leanne. got a [ __ ] uh Invisalign yeah her. teeth are perfect what the [ __ ] are you. doing she goes they could be better I go. out of all the plastic surgery you. choose your [ __ ] teeth.

oh no yeah she has this cheek and breast. volume enhancing peptide what. was this before it's real yeah it is let. me see what it does what does it say uh. like we'll probably sell this [ __ ]. here's the thing here's the thing like. when we talked about stomach glue tide. oh I don't know how much of an impact we. had on it but we had a [ __ ] impact.

who's on semi glutes I know but okay A. lot of people are on it but when we. talked about it we then all of a sudden. it started popping up everywhere where. you know the pros and the cons of it but. it's like you got to be careful about. like promoting these kind of. okay so it says an active. recommendations two percent and facial. redefining or breast firming. formulations in addition to any product. where replenishing effect is desired so.

from 2011 they probably got way better. [ __ ] oh yeah. um I'll see if this is still a thing. hmm I talked to Brigham about that last. night I said listen man because you know. I want his protocol I go I'm pretty. irresponsible about talking about health. like I'm like the Alex Jones of Fitness. so I don't I go I I'm skeptical to ever. tell anyone what I'm doing with you he. was like I don't give a [ __ ] you can. tell everyone what you're doing I was. like all right yeah people will put it. through the burnt filter yeah and they. just won't just go out and do exactly. what you're doing I'm doing Winstrol.

deca. I love steroids I know it's not steroids. but I think it is I love it are you on. Winstrol I don't know no no I don't know. you might have to call break them yeah I. don't think no I don't think I won. Winston. trt yeah that's normal trt yeah if. you're getting onto that I'd be like hey. hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey. hey hey hey hey. I couldn't even I know I haven't felt. the effects yet because it takes like a. month before it starts actually raising. your levels but the first day I was what.

are you talking about you feel it almost. immediately you do yes. everyone told me it took like a month I. felt it immediately no no no no no no no. no no no I felt it no no you've. reintroduced testosterone to your system. you'll feel it immediately it's the. greatest thing I told you it's going to. take months I don't know I mean I don't. know I don't know no you'll have. physiological changes in months like. more muscle mass you'll add more muscle. mass you'll lose body fat that'll take. place over a long period of time but as. far as how you feel it's almost. instantly my cardiologist was the one.

who recommended it exactly yeah because. I've dealt with Brigham and Denise I. think I'm saying right it's about weird. advice yeah right. when we did uh we did um stem cells. interviewed stem cells and I told she. goes let me take your blood and I said. no this is private and she goes why not. and I said my dad was there I think my. mom was there and you were there and. then like you and my dad are very. similar men you guys both are like hey. what are we doing about this weight loss. and I'm like I just I don't want to deal. with either of these guys right now and.

don't don't take my blood she goes. what's going on I said I've been. partying a lot she was like yeah I can. fix that I go yeah but I don't want to. deal with these guys trust me let's show. my dead talk. these are the [ __ ] two [ __ ] North. stars are sitting together lighting it. up like the sun. and so so then I go in and then I and. then I go to my cardiologist last time. and my liver enzymes for the first time. ever are out of their normal range just. a little bit but but out. and he goes uh how is that possible how.

are they just barely out of the normal. rate are you ready yeah can I tell you. yes once my [ __ ] it's my cholesterol. medicine the cholesterol medicine makes. your liver enzymes better no no no it. [ __ ] them up oh yeah that's what's. causing you to be [ __ ] up so don't. this goes into the weeds because you. told me about cholesterol and sugars. yeah and that's the conversation I have. with Denise and by the way Alex Jones of. Fitness I don't know what the [ __ ] I'm. saying yeah there's there's a lot going. on right there's a lot going on but it's.

overall it's metabolic Health yes and. you you can't be healthy and be. overweight it's like all this stuff that. you keep hearing on the news and all. this crazy talk about how you can be fat. and still be healthy that's just not. true it's not true there's a host of. diseases that are directly connected. with being overweight a host of them it. diminishes your immune system it may be. more susceptible to covet it causes. people to get diabetes there's a lot of. things that happen when you're there's a. lot of denial in obesity because it.

feels good to eat it feels fine great I. would like a meatball sub right now Joe. with provolone cheese with the sausage. you're biting into it you're like oh. oh you know that feeling it's all the. meat and the bread and the sauce with a. little garlic in the sauce and the. malted melted provolone and you're just. eating that meatball sub I would love. that right now but then after it's over. I'd feel like dog [ __ ] yeah I could get. past that I've done it enough the thing.

about the thing about. the thing about my weight is which is. weird is that I've always been sneaky in. shape like sneaky can still achieve. athletic abilities like I went out when. we were in Tampa. uh with I brought fish Simmons with me. and my high school hit me up and like. hey you want to come out with the kids. and say hi to the kids baseball teams I. play baseball they maybe take batting. practice and I was like yeah in my head. I'm like I'm in a [ __ ] home run. and so I go out to the kids and we take.

batting practice and I hit a [ __ ]. home run at 50. I never hit home run and. got in high school I never I never once. hit it out of the park in high school. and I hit a [ __ ] home run at 50. and. there's a weird thing that happens in. your brain and it's I don't know if it's. denial or if it's like accepting not. wanting to accept the truth but I. literally was like I hung out with Wade. Boggs and [ __ ] Derek Brooks and all. these pro athletes and I was like hit a. [ __ ] home run today and everyone's. like oh way to go you're in great shape. big guy and you believe it and you. believe it you believe it you go to bed.

going I'm having another double potatoes. and soda and I'm [ __ ] I'm killing it. man yeah you do but you have this odd. brain where you believe things that. aren't necessarily true. do you're telling me it's very strange. but you also same thing so you don't. believe wait I'm gonna tell you this is. how [ __ ] up my brain is okay. so I was talking to Tom about Michael. Jordan and I said and he said do you. ever did you ever get him to see him. play and I said I think I did. and he goes what do you mean I said I. might have I don't know if I did or I.

didn't but I might have. and I said actually I think and he goes. what do you mean I said like I think I. saw Nirvana live. but I'm not going to fact check it. because I don't need to know the truth. because I have the feeling that I saw in. Iran Alive. and he goes that's so [ __ ] up. I said what what's what's more important. the memory of seeing them live. or did you see them live what if I find. out I didn't see him live and then I get. to lose that memory that I know I have I. have a memory of I know where I was.

sitting in in in the in the the Civic. Center in Tallahassee I know where I was. sitting when I started Nirvana play now. I am a kind of person that can make up. that memory I am I definitely am I don't. know how it happens it's dreams I don't. know what the [ __ ] it is and I go so. but but why would I cheat myself out of. a memory that I feel like I have I feel. like I have it it says tangible to me as. anything that did happen or didn't. happen why would I cheat that and so Tom. of course being a. soulless [ __ ] goes find it let's find.

out if it's real who'd you see the. concert with I go John daycare and Prem. Bracken and he goes let's call him up so. call John daker always on two bears. I go John. have you ever seen now I'm like [ __ ]. cowering because I'm about to lose. seeing Kurt Cobain live right and. Smashing Pumpkins open for them. and neither one of those haven't I go. John did I have you ever seen have you. ever seen Nirvana live and he goes I saw. them with you Smashing Pumpkins opened. and I went I'm done I don't need to fact.

check Michael Jordan I saw Michael. Jordan even if I didn't I saw Michael. Jordan live because I feel like I did. that's all that matters with memories. and that's how that's why my brain's. broken. that's how the Bible got written. you're right it was like dude he came. back to life you're right three days. that's it's Faith yeah it's Faith it's. now the Bible got written it's literally. how the Bible got written the Bible got. written it's based on oral stories that.

lasted for probably a thousand years. you hear my video about that last night. about the Bible I thought they wrote it. in rocks. I thought that's why it was so like. willy-nilly because if you gotta chisel. something you're gonna you're not gonna. like elaborate you're just like it's not. very willy-nilly you really read it the. Bible yeah yeah but they're kind of like. he kinda made He Walked on Water Well. the real problems with the Bible is that. we don't speak H in Hebrew like maybe.

Ari could read that [ __ ] but that's the. original Bible unless you get to the. Dead Sea Scrolls which is Aramaic so. like if you're reading the Bible you. would have to understand ancient Hebrew. and ancient Hebrew is a completely. different kind of language because the. letters are also numeric so like the. letter a is also the number one. so they don't they don't have a. difference between letters and numbers. so like when you say something it has a. numeric value I can't wait to retell.

this story at a dinner party because I'm. barely listening and go you know Hebrews. can't count right you know they can't. count at all like they would try but and. then that's why they got good with money. is they learned how to count that's. hilarious I'm bad at [ __ ] retaining. how do you get into Hebrews fascinating. I would love to increase my information. because like even like as you do that I. go I kind of know a little bit. about Mar the Martin Luther not Martin. Luther King the first Luther I mean I. know a little bit about Martin Luther. but not enough I know a little bit like.

I don't remember things the way like you. can remember things like you you can. talk about a subject. and it feels like you did a high school. homework on it and then you come in and. like yeah well I've had a bizarre. education doing this podcast it's been. very bizarre this is I mean that's what. it's been essentially I mean it's been a. lot of talking [ __ ] a lot of getting fun. you know having fun and being silly with. friends but it's also been. um. incredible conversations like hours long.

with some of the Most Fascinating People. and then also to research them I I read. their books so it's like will you. actually read it no mostly most of it's. audio I listen to them driving and in. the sauna and you listen because like if. I listen to an audiobook my my. imagination goes off and I start. thinking different thoughts oh yeah like. it'll spark something like the what's. the one about uh the the what's the book. about. the people from Portugal coming down the. coast of Africa it's like the.

Conquistadors or the conquerors it's a. book and as a second I hear like and. then they had the Muslim Chief come out. and they put [ __ ] in his mouth with with. pork my brain goes to a different place. I don't I just start my imagination. takes over I think I have two active of. an imagination then I have it based in. reality or your scatter brand and that. could be that probably that yeah. I I I'm really good at concentrating on. things that I'm interested in for real. but they have to be interesting to me if. they're not interesting it's just.

[ __ ] in one ear out the other it's a. very select top five things you're. interested in right now oh well I'm. always interested in multiple things. simultaneously the problem with me is. time management it's always time. management like I don't like when. someone says uh oh I'm bored I'm like I. don't even know what the [ __ ] you're. saying I've never I haven't been bored. in [ __ ] six years yeah I wish I had. nine lives to live simultaneously yeah I. would do nine different things I would. love a twin brother. they'll just make them do your [ __ ] no. no no I just would like to team up with.

them at the end of the night and go what. did you do today yeah well you probably. would hate each other no we'd go do. killer problems I know uh I know. brothers that [ __ ] hate each other. twins that hate each other I used to. date a girl she was a twin she hated her. sister bro like that's nuts yeah they. don't talk to this day I don't think. they talk I follow uh I I apologize uh. two gay twins in Australia on Instagram. that are [ __ ] hilarious. this one's his brother Scott sassy Scott. and they and the one brother just [ __ ].

with the other brother and it is [ __ ]. dude I am gay dudes I wonder if I got. pitched gay wrong. you got pitched it yeah who pitched. gaydia well I was a kid they pitched it. yeah like hey here's an idea no no it's. like. coming to your office. here's a presentation we got a reel. we're gonna show you the first this is. uh this is all about being gay and it's. just like a bunch of rainbows and guys. like dancing together the first time do. you remember the first time you heard. about gay.

I lived in San Francisco when I was. seven so I was around gay people at a. very early age really and did your mom. pull you aside and explain it not. that I remembered someone must have. explained it. um but it was so normal to me because we. moved from New Jersey to San Francisco. when I was seven years old and it was. the height of the Vietnam War the hippie. movement and uh there's gate we were in. the gay neighborhood it was gay everyone. was gay and so you'd see dudes holding.

hands oh yeah I was walking down the. street with my stepfather and some guy. cat called him really it's hilarious I. was like wow this is crazy okay so then. let's let's pick apart gay so then High. School. is when I think the most majority of. homophobia or at least for me that's. when I first ever heard homophobia yeah. it's like is like uh the f word or. whatever you know I don't just don't say. it's trying to say the bad words but. like. and but when I the first time I ever. heard about gay was I was in a shower.

with my cousins and uh and my cousin. Jenny said oh these two guys they're our. uncles they're gay I said what's that. she goes it's when two guys rub their. dicks together and I was like oh I was. like okay weird the next time one of one. of my uncles had AIDS and another uncle. said. you're not gay are you and I was like I. don't know tell me I think I don't think. I am how old were you at the time it. must have been. 10. yeah you're really getting pitched K.

bad you're right and they were like. rubbing dicks together or getting AIDS. you're like and I'm 10 like what am I. gay yeah what happened it was it was. overwhelming and then. and then and and I I know I'm straight. because I saw Wonder Woman and I liked. it oh okay that makes sense but a lot of. gay guys saw Wonder Woman They want to. be her what about them they like that. too I didn't mind being her also ooh. yeah like back to latex yeah otherwise. and quicksand porn and all that [ __ ].

quicksand porn oh you know girls get. stuck in quicksand you [ __ ] them while. they're stuck no you don't [ __ ] them Joe. you just watch him go under and stop. talking oh no. it's I I've you've never you should have. to have seen quicksand porn no come on. no I thought you were talking about like. stuck in the dryer porn so no because. there's a lot of that stuck in the dryer. oh yeah. they bend over like I can't get out of. the dryer will you help me and the guy's. grabbing the girls hips and trying to. pull her I don't know why I can't get. you out here she's like oh my God are. you hard I'll make my wife look for my.

reading glasses under our bed and she. doesn't know why she's looking oh that's. hilarious if they're deeper under there. that's funny I'm like De Niro and. Goodfellas no no just around the corner. they're the most unrealistic plots ever. a [ __ ] dryer is so big yeah how are. you stuck. your whole body goes into that dryer how. are you possibly stuck oh this is quick. stop stop stop stop hang on this is the. hold on this is the [ __ ] white whale. of quicksand porn Okay okay so hold on.

God damn it so I didn't know this is a. thing until right now this is amazing so. your sexual whatever you like sexually. was imprinted on you in an age you don't. remember and you don't know why this is. a theory I have you have this own thing. this is my theory develop this Theory. because quicksand porn I heard about it. and what had happened is we didn't get. to see a lot of porn when we were kids. because they're what porn wasn't out but. the only thing we got to see was the. device plot it was called quicksand. because Cleopatra of the Nile had. quicksand in it so then all TV shows.

started throwing quicksanding what was. Cleopatra of the Nile do you know that a. movie is that like Elizabeth it's like. it's like the Taylor it's like a big hit. movie and they had quicksand as a plot. device question was a thing in movies. for a while no no no I did a whole. special about it was uh NPR no not NPR. Radio Lab Radio Lab that's why I first. learned about this uh they're called. sinkers people that are in the quicksand. are called sinkers. and and so and and and and you got.

imprinted sexually at a certain age so. like say you're into Wonder Woman like. myself I'm really into Wonder Woman well. then I also don't mind a little bit of. tying up because when a woman got tied. up and I don't mind a little bit of a. little lasso of Truth a little bit of. costume you like a lasso of truth I love. Alexa yeah in your underwear being told. what to do. so. quick now now what we're getting to is. the this is the penultimate this is I. can't believe you used that word I'm not. sure I used it right I've never used. that word I've read it I don't know what. it means penultimate I think it's like.

the [ __ ] super ultimate right it. sounds like it right yeah okay. Adventures of oh girl struggle sand with. Christina Carter she is hot and she's. got a costume on which which imprints me. from when I saw Wonder Woman wait a. minute wait a minute wait a minute wait. a minute so this lady's whole deal is. she makes videos where she gets stuck in. sand oh give me some volume wow this is. [ __ ] oh hold on no there's something. there was like some dialogue here. something happened between her and the. other girl before she walked in Jamie.

the gig is up. the gig is up oh girl nice of you to. drop by. sure it is. what do you think of my new kitty box. [Laughter]. very nicely. I'm taking you. oh she's taking her in she's a Superhero. yeah. [Music]. why is that. because unbeknownst to you my love.

you're standing. struggles hand struggle sand now mind. you Joe look at the artwork in the back. does that remind you a little bit of The. Brady Bunch a little bit yeah right so. this is all trying to imprint on the. [ __ ] that nostalgically reminds you of. sex this is my theory The Brady Bunch. reminds you of sex yeah of course look. at this like she's in the sand yeah the. best part's coming up well she pulls her. tits out nope when her tits hit the same. right right here when her tits hit the.

door that's what's good that's the best. part of quicksand you see a little. areola on that right nipple am I right. yeah a little bit you see the shadow. how do they get away with that in. YouTube she got some Giants. and now she's going under so they. wouldn't have this on YouTube I'm not on. YouTube is what I'm saying okay but why. couldn't you have this on YouTube oh. that Ariel is full blue you're talking. over the best part look at that am I at. the screaming this is no the [ __ ] the. boobs in the sand are the thing oh.

that's the thing that's the thing look. and and they know how to milk the thing. um okay and so all this is like they. stopped milking it the [ __ ] you didn't. pick that hits you. right like for whatever reason yours. does she die no she'll stop talking how. does she get out of this. thing just gonna get up to her eyeballs. only time will tell that's it that's it. she's good tune in next time no this is. like a man a woman hating thing it's. like men who hate women they want them.

to drown no no no there's a bunch of. them well the ones out there she just. keeps sinking underwater not all. necessarily like there's a hundred of. them. go to Dana nights but look at all these. [ __ ] screenshots it's all her sinking. and sand that's her whole oh there's the. titties there oh go to that one question. date yeah look at that one that's a good. so that one now she's got a full bloom. yeah. I'm not showing any of this they have to. look it up themselves we've explained it. well enough yeah I believe so so she's.

on a date see this one you just cut to. oh my God where'd my clothes go yeah is. this the same lady no. I don't think by the way these are. actually dangerous as [ __ ] [ __ ] what. is these quick these quicksand ones. um that's not quicksanders just a hole. that's nonsense she's just getting her. tits dirty uh. uh that's not quicksand but it's. interesting that you don't have a choice. on this stuff this the dominatrist told. me this. uh. you don't have a choice on the stuff. that you that you're into it's stuff. that in a weird way you showed up you.

walked into and then that was playing on. the TV maybe you know have you ever. heard of like. I met a gay dude one time who said that. he uh. I he he didn't he was knew he was gay. but he didn't know why he was gay. like none of this [ __ ] showed up in his. in his on the radar as a kid. does that make sense yeah like it didn't. have a list but he didn't yeah yeah I. didn't want to wear women's clothes none. of this [ __ ] showed up and I was like. that's [ __ ] crazy because I remember.

I remember seeing one when I'm being. turned on as a kid I remember looking at. Vogue magazine and going and and this is. sounds insane but being depressed. because I thought I may never get that. girl you know huh. you were depressed because you thought. you may never get that girl yeah like. that you'd see a beautiful woman in. Vogue and I go I may never get her that. [ __ ] bums me out that very specific. girl yeah I can remember so just because. the magazines like seeing seeing people. that were represented in magazines yeah.

because nowadays kids are on the. spectrum of sexuality and I I'm not. certain it's the same as when we were. because like when we were it was almost. like we were not as influenced by the. Zeitgeist for sure yeah we were born and. I remember them talking about this we. were born straight or born gay it wasn't. a choice. I would argue now it's probably on the. spectrum of choice for for kids. I think some people choose it I think. some people are curious but I think a. lot of people are just wait okay but.

hang on because I I would argue if. you're curious you're gay that's how I. was grew up yeah have you ever been. curious no but okay more open-minded to. it now especially girls it seems like. girls are trying more lesbianism it's. like when things are accepted by society. and not just accepted but I actually. celebrated sometimes people and there's. no there's no like negative consequences. I have a whole joke about it about girls. doing gay stuff like no one cares but.

the the difference is that like. you know like lbgt rights or like which. which is so weird that they're all. connected together right. um but that people are trying to be more. open-minded about stuff. so they're they're more uh accepting of. what you used to call alternative. Lifestyles you know I lived in uh San. Francisco I went from San Francisco to. Florida we lived in Florida lived in. Gainesville. yeah wait for real yeah yeah when when I.

was 11 until I was 13. and then we moved. to Boston. wow yeah so I lived in Gainesville and. lives in Gainesville yeah what got your. mom to Gainesville my uh college there. for real yeah he was finishing up his. degree there. that's right around the time they were. making Gatorade. I think so well there was alligators. there I saw alligators all the [ __ ]. time Lake Alice you know where Lake. Alice is right of course I have a I have. a bit I've been trying to work out about.

um about I tried to do it last night a. little bit on stage about growing up in. Florida there's so many predators that. you grow up a little bit about that. about the drafts that was very funny no. no no there's something more to that. there's some more to it but like yeah so. like when we were in Hawaii I was with. what in Hawaii with my girls and we were. with this Hawaiian guy and he was very. casual and then very loose and I said. the guy seems like he has no anxiety in. Isla my youngest goes yeah they have no. snakes here Dad imagine if you grew up. without snakes oh yeah and then I was.

like well Florida now dude Florida is. infested [ __ ] pythons yeah. rattlesnakes moccasins uh uh alligators. lightning I mean the [ __ ] I grew up in. iguanas sexual predators when I was a. kid is when Adam Walsh got kidnapped so. I grew up with Terror every I never once. went water skiing I fell in the water. and was like oh that was fun you kept. your feet up and you're like I'm good. come get me get me the [ __ ] out of the. water yes there's [ __ ] dinosaurs I. will eat you I would never go water.

skiing in Florida. [ __ ] day dude [ __ ] that. [ __ ] that. when I lived in Florida some I remember. clearly some lady was walking her dog. and the dog got jacked. by an alligator there was when I was a. little kid and they were still protected. back then my point was when I went from. San Francisco where I lived in San. Francisco my next door neighbor was this. gay couple and my aunt who's staying. with us at the time used to go next door.

and smoke pot and play bongos with the. gay guys they would all get naked and. they would be playing Bongos together. she loved the fact that she'd get naked. with these gay guys and they didn't care. about her because they were gay yeah and. so it was like completely normal to me. to be around gay people then I went to. Gainesville and I was friends with this. Cuban kid. his dad his dad was so mad because they. were trying to give people uh gay. marriage and he like I remember he threw. the newspaper down on the kitchen table.

he's like I can't [ __ ] believe this. they want to get [ __ ] married and I. was like what do you care it was it was. so weird to me that I was 11 years old. and then I realized in that moment I go. oh there's something and I realized it's. at 11. there's some things that distract people. and that you think are important but. they're not they're just like cultural. beach balls that get tossed around at a. concert where people just throw a thing. around and it [ __ ] means nothing to.

you the only people that it should. matter to are the gay people that want. to get married but to this guy who's a. married guy with a kid who is my friend. yeah his kid was my buddy and I'm over. his house to him gay people getting. married was like what the [ __ ] he was so. mad threw the newspaper down the [ __ ] is. this. and I was like wow you got distracted. like you're you're getting distracted by. something that doesn't mean anything. like why would you care at all oh it's. how they do uh.

it's how they know it's how they do. prank shows. someone explains to me the way to prank. someone is to make them think they're. watching the prank. to to when you distract the person being. pranked and go you're watching the prank. then that's how you prank them like it's. it's what you're saying it's it's it's. it's the same way you get pickpocketed. is they they hit you with one thing they. hit you with one thing while they do the. other thing so what that is is this. guy's getting pickpocketed he's getting. distracted by the bump gay marriage when.

the government's coming at him from the. other way going now that we got you. there let's talk about the thing we. really brought you to talk about well. that's the thing we want to change your. mind on I don't even know if it's that. calculated that the government does it. in a calculated manner I think it's a. human nature thing I think human beings. naturally distract themselves with. nonsense that it's a it's a common. characteristic and that that leads to. distraction it leads to procrastination. it leads to being unfulfilled in your.

life. you get trapped in Super Hyper focused. on things to the point where you you're. not even thinking about the important. things in your life. yeah but I do that in a negative way. like that's why I don't [ __ ] with. comments or uh of course everybody does. yeah but comments would would [ __ ] me up. and then I had to get off it entirely I. had to hire someone because I go. I remember why I remember. I think I told you this I apologize if. I'm telling you again I went back into.

the comments one time one [ __ ] time. this last year one time I read a comment. and it was [ __ ] Louis J Gomez posted. a video about Bernie Schaub and and I. didn't like it was bothered me because I. like Brandon he's a [ __ ] sweet guy. and uh but you know curious birds like I. wonder what the comments say so I go. into the comments like going like I. should be safe here right the first. comment is you know Bert Kreischer is. reading these comments. mother [ __ ] I'm not even safe in.

these comments like so I don't [ __ ] with. comments because it would ruin a day a. great day that I had at home it would. ruin the day if someone one guy who. threw a Molotov cocktail into my. business he was already on to the next. business he's Pro he's a [ __ ] marcher. he's throwing molotovs in everyone's. [ __ ] comments but it would [ __ ] my. dad but I was like I don't I can't give. that guy that power no you shouldn't and. also you should recognize that. what it is is. a an incred look it's there's good and.

bad. and you can't get around the bad to get. the good yeah it's not like you could. eliminate all the negative comments in. order to get what's interesting about. the internet what the what's interesting. about the internet is freedom you would. have done the same thing if you were 17. years old and you had a Twitter account. I would have done the same thing I've. done it yeah I've done it I did it to a. [ __ ] Bourdain one time would you do. my [ __ ] dumb [ __ ] self. so I'm on a picture of a private jet he. took a picture on a private jet and I.

was like I [ __ ] said something shitty. like. and by the way I used it in my own. account and I just said something shitty. and then someone hit me up and they're. like hey man. if you were in a private jet wouldn't. you take a picture and I was like and I. and then they sent me a picture of me on. a private jet taking a picture of myself. I was like oh [ __ ] I did the exact same. thing I'm being shitty about and. Bourdain was one of my heroes. but I guess I looked at it he was a hero. of mine so because I was a Travel. Channel all the time it's a Twitter. thing too the it's the virtue signal.

aspect of Twitter that some people find. just irresistible yeah it's a it's a. gross thing it's disgusting I I block. people sometimes like uh like I told you. I got back on the Twitter because you're. [ __ ] goddamn tweet your goddamn. [ __ ] thing hit me up at uh what was. my name. Oops I Did It Asian uh that's my Twitter. handle Oops I Did It what Asian Asian. yeah I was trying to say Oops I did it. again and I misspelled it and it came. out Asian and I said and it was.

available so I took it. so hit me up uh. so I I don't remember what I'm saying. I don't remember what you're saying for. sure who gives a [ __ ] yeah have I ever. said anything Chinese robot dick sucking. machines that aren't really I got onto. Chris rocks because I the one thing I. missed about Twitter was the the news. the news feed is pretty good on Twitter. yeah the news feed's great it's like. only person I follow is Elon Musk and so. I I [ __ ] look in this Chris Rock's. trending and I obviously reason one of.

the if not the reason I got into stand. up one of the two reasons. and I saw people commenting negative. about a special and I just went on on. this oops I Did It Asian pocket and I. blocked them because they don't know. it's me I go [ __ ] you I don't ever want. to hear what you say ever again you. don't like the thing I like [ __ ] you and. I blocked all these people that said. negative [ __ ] about Chris Rock it felt. so good I don't mind people say negative. [ __ ] about things like I like to know. how people think if people are thinking. different it's interesting it's not like.

I don't agree with them you know I've. heard people say uh I I heard people. talking [ __ ] about Chris's special and. they were talking [ __ ] about how he was. calling out Jada and will and all that. like come shut the [ __ ] up if anybody. should be doing that it's him you want. to talk about that's humiliating what do. you think it's like getting slapped in. front of the whole world on on the. Oscars. but if anything that's great for us as. stand-ups that reignited Chris Rock yeah.

reignited the old Chris Rock that. doesn't give a [ __ ] that's not trying to. be a movie star I think when those. people clapped for Will Smith I think. that was like him realizing like this. isn't my team [ __ ] am I doing with these. people and what what I identify with. about this the Chris Rock slap was I. don't think anyone realizes and I. apologize if this is not the life Chris. Abacus a smaller dude growing up in. Brooklyn yeah when Brooklyn was Brooklyn. yeah you know there were guys that took.

liberties with him as a young guy 100. how you become a comedian I've been. slapped I've told you about a few slaps. but I've been slapped a bunch and I. didn't do anything and what you do is. you end up being the guy laying in bed. and you can't go to sleep because you're. destroying that person in your head and. that's how you deform a comic's brain so. when he did that that was the actual. watching of what turned Chris into a. comic. return them into a combo wow. I didn't even look at it though that's. what that's all I saw was like yeah man.

that's all of us. that where the bigger guy got to take. advantage of the little guy and then we. became comics and then go don't worry. don't worry one day one day. I'm gonna destroy you when you can't. handle it dude I'm that definitely. happened to me. and I'm that's why I root for that guy. um. yeah I got picked on I just learned how. to fight you're a different dude I was. like okay I gotta solve this problem you. need to understand no one's like you and. I know that you think everyone's like. you no one's like you that's why I want.

to write a self-help book no one can be. you no one can be you right but everyone. can be like me. [Laughter]. I don't know if everyone can be like. everyone I don't think everyone's gonna. keep up with you partying it's not. you're not normal like whatever your. appetite for alcohol and your ability to. digest it the fact that it was only. [ __ ] up by blood pressure medication. it's Insanity people drinking half as. much would be dead I think I think. people misremember how much I drink like.

when you just remember when you hear the. storm people are gonna go he drank this. whole bottle no no not not a day but. I've been with you when you go down oh. you don't think it makes me see the. inside to watch you guys do protect my. parks and go let me drink with those. want to see people throw up you want to. see private videos of people throwing up. on tables I'll show you private videos. that's not necessarily with protect our. Parks it's about. just getting [ __ ] up that interesting. conversations amongst friends you know.

about the drugs it's the best part last. time these two months. these two [ __ ] wearing. sunglasses and uh and drinking I love. you know those are my those are my four. favorite people to drink with you Shane. Arya Mark are my four favorite people to. drink with if Ari had never drugged me. we would have the best [ __ ] life well. you gotta let that go I can't let it go. the animal can't let it go I let it go. but I can't have them on [ __ ] fully.

loaded you know how much I'd love how. great would Ari your wife won't let you. have them on fully loaded no my. daughters sorry it's time to send. flowers I wish I wish I already had any. I love you Ari I love you. I wish he had any accountability in his. life even maybe he will now that he's. more successful life is like shined upon. him I would love I'm in New York flowers. and chocolates Ari shafir I'm in New. York I'm in New York this week promoting. my special Razzle Dazzle streaming right.

now on Netflix Ari do me a favor I'll. hit up already privately take look at. that guy look at that watch. take what look at that shoulder Joe. that's a [ __ ] legit breast and. shoulder what are you saying I see the. good parts of my body okay okay what are. you saying about Ari. what do you want him to do I want I want. him to make [ __ ] good with my wife is. that going to be possible because what. do you have to do it's impossible. it's impossible because Ari I love him. maybe he doesn't do Molly with your wife.

no he doesn't have the ability they. would let it go he doesn't have the. ability to see past his [ __ ] up because. he's never been married so he never had. to compromise with people so for Ari. when you're a bachelor my dad told me. this when you're a bachelor for long. enough you you end up becoming set in. your ways where the only person you have. to make happy is yourself and so you. make sure that that guy's taken care of. first when you get married and I'm sure. you can understand this you start. realizing my wants and needs are part of. a team's wants and needs and so I need.

to make sure everyone's happy so you. learn compromise at an age where at an. age usually where then you learn to. compromise with everybody like you. you text me and go hey can we do 130. maybe a broken guy goes fine and gets. upset I go yeah of course buddy I get it. I get it I know your life I know well. you probably woke up Lakes we were out. late you got to walk the dog you got to. play with the dog you gotta work out and. I I understand that. I had already apologized to Liam one. time he wrote some shitty about Georgia. on Instagram and and it was it was mean.

and and it [ __ ] up our vacation and. and Leanne hated him and I said trust me. he knows he's wrong. and I said and I'd be at Tom's house me. and Tom set it up it was and and we let. Leanne and already go into the kitchen. and we all went outside. and we're like I told Ari all you got to. do is apologize just apologize just. apologize no questions just apologize. you're sorry she'll understand it please. everyone loves you everyone loves you. Leanne came out of that kitchen and goes.

arya's broken as [ __ ] and already walked. out behind her goes how can I apologize. it was a joke it was a joke and I was. like God damn it Ari you could have and. then Leanne forgave him forgave him. because she's married she knows what. it's like I want this I wish this was. past us I don't think it will you know. the drugging things I would love to have. them all fully loaded he would be. the perfect I think it's probably better. he's not. you think yeah it's like Let It Go she's. not want to apologize for a joke about. your daughter. how's he going to apologize for the.

drugging you it's like he just won't. he's amazing I mean that's why you like. keep him away from your family it's like. it's like it's like slash used to. connect poisonous I'm not taking Ari on. vacation. like hey Ari why don't you come with me. and my family on vacation you know what. disaster that would be. Ari's doing acid by the pool like what. are you doing I don't know I don't know. where I am like Dad what's wrong with. your friend oh my friend's on acid why.

is he making out with his dog. he tongue kisses with his dogs. what the [ __ ] is wrong he's the best the. best is when people don't know him that. work with me and then they'll hear me. talk on the phone with Ari. or like Pete my assistant Pete you met. last night yeah uh. one night we all hung out parties with. us and then Ari leaves and he goes I get. why you like that guy I go yeah there's. like there's like is it's a poisonous. snake it's a it's a beautiful animal.

he's a poisonous snake Ari's awesome. I've been friends with Ari since he was. a door guy. I was friends with him when he was like. first starting out at The Comedy Store. it's like young guy in his 20s just just. got here from. guess he got in from Maryland Jerusalem. where's that are we doing uh tequila now. what is that I have no idea low Sundays. yeah they really put it in there sir. um I love Ari I miss Joey yeah I miss.

Joey too gotta fly Joey out for this. club is he coming out yeah I gotta. figure out when when to have him come. out. see what he's doing you know I know he's. been doing some stand up in uh in New. Jersey. really yeah it's like it's the same. thing that I was saying about Theo like. you gotta have your tribe like when. you're alone by yourself in some City. even if you're doing stand-up it's like. you're missing the hang. that's a big part of what we do is to. hang that's why last night was so fun. that's why all those people that weren't.

even on the show came by to hang out you. know like Ron came by Tim Dylan came by. Adrian came by I'll tell you the other. part you you don't get this often I got. it last night. is. when you're the. fifth most famous person in a room. you're not the most famous person in the. room so it sucks I don't mean it sucks. but like with sucks currently for me is. that I don't get to sit and listen. and and and and drink it in it's like.

I'm sitting with you Jim and Ron Tony. hinchcliff's in there mark Smalls is in. there we're all in there but mostly and. Mark Smalls texting me this morning he's. like it was fun watching you listen. hold that thought I gotta piss again God. damn it fun watching listen I'm super. hydrated right now I've never felt. better. is my [ __ ] affected by testosterone we'll. find out I didn't come a lot today I'll. let you know. wait what are we talking about we were. talking about you were talking about. being uh that you were listening because.

it was such a hang oh so [ __ ] because. there's so many people I get stuck in. rooms. uh I get stuck in rooms where I or I'm. the person that uh. that sold the arena right or like sold. the movie or did the thing and so I find. myself and I find it gross I find myself. talking or in La I'll talk to a lot of. comics and then they'll go like Comics I. respect they'll go like uh so tell me. what kind I can do to grow my podcaster. or uh or tell me what to do with the. podcast or or this thing I don't mean.

this arrogant I just mean it as like a. self-awareness is last night Mark. Small's testimony this morning said it's. fun being there and fun listening. and I was like yeah man I don't listen. anymore because I got to a place where. I got to a place where maybe I'm I'm. putting myself in the room. I put myself in rooms where I talk a lot. is that and I'm an actual talker I talk. a lot but it was fun last night like. listening to you talked a lot last night. I don't know what the [ __ ] you're saying. I didn't talk at all you were there. Jamie did I talk a lot Jamie he was.

talking a lot no no I don't know I'm. just [ __ ] around just [ __ ] around. no it's fun look the Hang is the best. part well that's the thing is you take a. listen to Ron why tell stories and you. know listen to Jim Norton it was [ __ ]. amazing I got to meet Adrian last night. that was the first time meeting her. she's fine she's [ __ ] funny she's. great she's very funny she's really. funny yeah it's very funny and cool to. hang with. actually did some work shows she said.

she weren't really into it. are there work shows I don't know it's. out by sounds West oh you know like. you're connected to a lot of attack. people and very strange entertainment. people it's like you're dealing with the. people that clapped when Will Smith won. the Oscar it's like the same those. people there's these like untethered. humans non-artists. these untethered non-artists I had a. dude come on my podcast and uh I said.

something horrible and he laughed. it was bad he laughed and we all laughed. and he was like Hey can you take out me. laughing. I was like that's not how that works I. took it out I took it out because I. don't want you know I want everyone to. feel comfortable that's funny that's. [ __ ] up yeah that's when when you. start people get scared it was the. beauty of watch out I know I've told you. this but watching Georgia you know. George and my girls have only George and. Island we were on fully loaded last year. they only know Joey is Uncle Joey like a. legit Uncle Joey right Uncle Joey came. every Easter every Christmas every time.

we had a barbecue any party he came home. with his wife and his daughter they only. know him as Uncle Joe like a legit Uncle. Joey right and then Joey Diaz goes on. stage and and does Joey like aggressive. I mean I'm talking yeah and Georgia. would I'd watch her put her hand to her. mouth and go I didn't mean to laugh at. that baby I go that's your uncle up. there like that's that's [ __ ] that's. who he is that's who you love but more.

importantly I go laughter's you can't. stop it from it makes you laugh that's. the surprise of laughter is the beauty. of laughter yeah you can't be upset. about laughing especially your dad's a. [ __ ] comedian it's ridiculous I think. it's well I think those these kids these. days they get into this mindset of like. be on the right side of History. yeah that's turning the other way man. let me tell you something that's turning. the other way. it's uh it's interesting it's really. nice kids are getting very upset with. the woke [ __ ] and now it's going the.

other way and the cool kids are like. they're they're not buying it anymore. it's like it's interesting it's. interesting to watch like teenagers now. my daughter is teenage friends and the. way they talk and I don't think it's. just her friends I think there's a TR I. think it's like a cultural thing like. things shift one way where everybody. tries to get really woke and then people. go hey that's [ __ ] annoying and then. they go back to just being silly and. having fun and just getting to realize. that it's okay to joke around about.

things it's okay to have fun and like. not everything is about social justice. and the climate oh we gotta preserve the. climate you know we'd have to talk about. it constantly on phones made by slaves. like the just the nonsense and the. hypocrisy why the banks burn like all of. it is ridiculous like there's so it's. again it's the gay marriage thing. there's so many [ __ ] distractions. that people have there's cultural. distractions there's social distractions. there's Financial distractions there's. like so much while you're just living.

for a very short amount of time very. short Carly Simon and old as [ __ ] now. look how hot she was when she was young. and that doesn't last it doesn't last. you on the cover of that Netflix special. that's as good as it gets buddy from. here on out it's all downhill I'm cool. with that are you yeah. come on son let's get back to where we. weren't we belong yeah I want it to last. forever oh I want to fake my death once.

well you think you don't die I had a. conversation with Bert once I'll Tell. You Folks about this. bird goes I don't think you die I go. what are you talking about it would. prove it prove it how do you know you. die. I don't think I die it's a great I think. I just keep going yeah and I go well. Bert what do you think when all these. people are dying is that not me. it's never been me yet. I've been at funerals going that way. that's not me up there that's true but. that's a very limited wave that's how a. German Shepherd would look at death.

Marshall seems pretty [ __ ] happy he's. pretty happy Marshall seems pretty. [ __ ] happy do you think Marshall. thinks about death or he definitely does. not think about death but delivering. death to squirrels. that sweet dog is the the squirrel. murderer that's what his favorite. [ __ ] Pastime is I think I would love. to I would love to I would love to. introduce him to one of my two dogs and. see if they go hey who's your dad yeah. oh my dad does comedy too I don't think. they do that do you think they'd have uh.

yeah I guess you're right they probably. just check each other for dominance they. sniff each other's dicks and then they. they spin around and growl at each other. and still figure out who's the boss so. what's your alternative Louis said this. to me he said it just goes black one day. he doesn't know that not only that. there's a lot of evidence that's not the. case there's uh preach I want to hear. this well first of all there's bizarre. chemical doorways in your brain your. brain produces psychedelic chemicals. that we we don't understand and there's.

a study right now one of the things that. Graham Hancock was talking to me about. recently was that there's a study that's. going on Graham Hancock has a great. thing on [ __ ] Netflix oh it's amazing. he's a guy that I heard His Name a bunch. because of you didn't know what the [ __ ]. he did yeah like I knew he was a thing. but I didn't know he was a thing thing I. keep [ __ ] up the name but attention. apocalypse right yeah it's very good. it's really good but this is the. culmination of uh Graham's life work I. mean I found out about his original book. Fingerprints of the Gods in the 90s and. I remember reading it and uh people were.

like ridiculing it saying oh that's. preposterous that's pseudoscience. everything in that book has now been. proven to be true all of it all of his. his hypothesis and now it's correlated. with uh data that shows about these. asteroid impacts and so Randall Carlson. and him teaming together so Randall's an. expert on these Comet impacts and the. the impact that it had in the younger. driest impact Theory and then Graham is. an expert on these ancient civilizations.

and so the two of them together have put. together this very very fascinating. timeline of The Rebirth of human. civilization which is around 11 800. years ago that we got [ __ ] rocked and. it reset the Earth. but he was talking about this and he was. talking about. um on the last podcast we did he was. talking about these studies that are. doing they're doing out of a university. in England where they're doing a slow. drip DMT.

um experience with these people. and because they're doing it for hours. and hours they do a slow drip where. they're cut they keep them in this state. which is normally a very transient State. well because you hit it with a [ __ ]. pipe yeah normally yeah yeah normally so. there's no regulating how much you get. right so this because it's an IV because. it's coming in a drip it's like constant. and continuous and these people are. going to the same place and they're. having repeatable experiences so instead.

of having like a 15 minute DMT trip. which a lot of people have that's like. overwhelming you can't even figure out. what's going on then it's over instead. of that you're going to the exact same. place over and over and over again and. getting more and more comfortable with. it and coming back with very similar. stories really so yeah it's a repeatable. environment where they're encountering. entities and they're trying to map it so. these people are doing these long-term. studies with long-term experiments. meaning like not a 15 minute term but.

like not a 15 minute trip but multiple. hours at a time time and they're coming. back with like a map of the territory. so the the this is the concept the. theory that many people have is that. death opens up a chemical Gateway in the. mind and that chemical Gateway takes. whatever the soul is whatever. Consciousness is and transports it into. this new realm it allows you your. conscious mind to access this new realm.

which is available to you upon death. and so a lot of the ancient cultures. that did Ayahuasca and all and and. mushrooms they would talk about this. realm as being like a Well of Souls that. you encounter disembodied life forms. disembodied spirits and this has been. it's been a staple of so many religions. there's so many religions that talk.

about the afterlife I mean I get that. you would want to come up with something. like that just because you wanted to. have some sort of a reason to keep going. with the rational mind when you're. dealing with the existential angst of a. temporary existence and one day you're. just going to be worm food what's the. point of it all why don't I end it now. it's too much life is to live is to. suffer no there's something waiting for. you when it's over and this is like. that's the carrot at the end of the. stick so a lot of people think well I'm. too smart for that [ __ ] carrot like.

no no no no life is suffering like is. pointless and it goes black one day it's. like what Bourdain did to himself it's. like there's like this romantic notion. that some people have that to end this. depressing thinking is like to just do. it just to end your own life is the best. way to just get through this. but. they don't know they don't know like you. don't know that you just go black you. have no idea they don't just say that is. so foolish just to think of the [ __ ].

complexity of the universe itself just. the the vast scope of it and now with. this James Webb Telescope they're. starting to like look at galaxies that. don't even make sense like how is this. galaxy so formed and it's so far away. like is the is the universe older than. we think it is like there's all this new. speculation now because of new data to. think that you know what happens to you. when you die is dumb it's dumb you don't. you cannot know. panic attack now I'm feeling better.

about myself yeah to be I don't think it. ends I don't think it ends either I just. don't think it ever ends I think the. real fear is not that it doesn't end the. real fear is that it never ends the real. like imagine if you have to live your. life over and over and over and over and. over and over and over and over and over. and again forever could you do it. doesn't that a freak out isn't it. interesting listen to this okay last. night yeah didn't we have a great time I. hadn't seen you in forever hug dude. what's up have a couple of cocktails and.

I'm for me I'm a manager of a club now. I'm like walking around I didn't even. perform I just got to hang out to hang. out in mitzi's room and have a real talk. have a nice dinner oh when you want to. do that forever and ever and ever and. ever yeah yeah but can you Yep this is. the thought. imagine like for some people that makes. them freak out this idea that you would. live your life the life that you have. right now forever and you would just. keep going back and doing it all again. until you get it right I would. I would love it I had a dream one time.

that I went back in time to college I. went I traveled in time. and I realized I was traveling in time. and I said to my roommate I said Hutch I. said uh. I'm from the future I came back and he. goes oh [ __ ] so what are like uh what. are you gonna change. I said well nothing I it was great and. he was like oof so you have to do all. the same stupid [ __ ] you did and you. have to do all the same mistakes to get. to where you are did today and I was.

like oh [ __ ] I don't get to go back in. time and [ __ ] more chicks I gotta [ __ ]. the same chicks. I was like God damn it and then that was. panicking imagine if you just have the. exact same experiences over and over. again just you figure out how to make. better decisions with each time maybe. that's the wisdom of an old soul yeah. but if it's like Groundhog's Day. Groundhog's Day he ends unhappy but if. you end up happening yeah you ended up. happy but nobody he ends up happy in the. movie because he was unhappy in real. life right I'm happy in real life so in. order to be happy in real life I have to.

make the same mundane choices every. single day but are they mundane no I. mean no it's not it's not that they're. mundane you're always if you're trying. to be better at anything and like you're. always trying to think why did I do that. or why I should have done this but why. did I tweet at Bourdain that way but I. couldn't have I couldn't have started. stand up earlier which I think in. hindsight I would love to have started. stand up earlier but I would have had to. wait and start at 26. yeah but why why. not like you then you have 26 years of. life before you start which is probably.

better which was I think my first few. years of stand-up were nonsense. I'm very lucky that I was an idiot stand. up later in life I'm glad that I got. success later in life I'm glad. everything happened to me when it did. but I do Wonder. like those chances that you didn't take. that you go I wonder what would have. happened. yeah. I wouldn't if you want to if you want to. get to where you are today you got to. make the same choices yes like uh like. uh one of my regrets and obviously not. because it's not a regret so I'm happy. where I am today but I would have loved.

to have worked at The Comedy Store I. remember telling you this one time. there's a doorman no no I would have. loved to have not as dormant I would. have liked to have tried put myself out. there and tried to get past at the. comedy store earlier in life I remember. saying this to you and I don't know if. you remember this we were both drunk we. were out on the patio at the store and. you said yeah we wouldn't be friends I. said really go yeah I don't think I. don't think we would have been friends. and I and I thought to myself we. wouldn't have been because I would have. gotten involved with Coke I know I would. have I would have gotten involved with. Coke I would have never met Leanne I.

would have never had kids I would have. never become who I was to be the guy why. did I say we would never be friends uh I. think you probably remember no I'm not. I'm not misremembering it I remember I. can tell you where you were sitting. maybe I was joking no it doesn't doesn't. seem like I would say it that way but I. took it as you I took it as as you were. accurate had I started at The Comedy. Store I would have gotten involved in. probably the wrong side of Comedy I. might have I know I would have gotten. involve a Coke I loved Coke yeah so what. so did Joey.

yeah but I don't think I would I don't. know if I have that I don't have Joey's. got the Oprah Gene where he can go. through the [ __ ] and come out on the. other side lose his mom at 13 and come. out winning Joey he also had like. friends that loved him you know like. when Joey was uh in the the cocaine days. that's when I started taking extra. opening acts on the road with me in case. Joey didn't show up. it was like how Ari got a job because I. used to have just one guy that had taken. the road with me and then Joey didn't. show up sometimes and so I said okay I.

gotta bring someone else so if Joey. shows up it's a three-man show yeah Joey. doesn't show up it's just me and Ari. that's that's how Ari started going on. the road with me. we run fully loaded and uh. everyone ate mushrooms one night and it. was like big arena show everyone was. [ __ ] feeling it Joey murdered him and. it was a and I apologize Joey if I'm. misremembering this Joey's the first one. to start handing out mushrooms to. everyone yeah that sounds like Joey why.

would you be misremm remember I just you. know I I'm careful with the stories I. tell about people these days oh yeah and. so uh four in the morning we're on our. bunks and someone opens my curtain and. they're like hey. the mushrooms didn't kick in well with. Joey it's time to pull the car over and. I shut my curtain I go I am not the one. dealing with Joey. so you guys were in the bus in the bus. Joey wanted to pull the bus over we did. pull the bus over and we pulled the bus. over he's laying out in the grass.

staring at the sky wrong day [ __ ]. I'm not in this bus he goes up my my bus. driver Ron wrong day [ __ ] I'm not. on this bus I gotta get the [ __ ] out of. here bro Chrysler uh uh this isn't. happening we're gonna give me a hotel. room so we pulled the bus over we found. him a hotel room got him a hotel room. got him a ride to the venue the next day. how far was the venue from where you're. driving Joe I could not tell you I could. not tell you how many hours were you in. a we usually drive six hours a night. four hours so he pulls over in the. middle of the drive yeah and says no all.

my mushrooms get me a hotel room. mushrooms in a in a bunk and I think it. was making a motion sick oh Jesus Christ. and he's on mushrooms and he's got a. sleep apnea machine you ever see that. Chris Pratt movie where he sits in the. Time Capsule and they go to space and. his opens early yeah Joey's opened early. I think the bus would be fun in between. hotels I do not not think sleeping on. the bus would be fun because sleep is. very important I value sleep.

restorative sleep you're right it's not. good for sleep not good and if you're. doing a lot of shows and you're partying. and you're not getting sleep that's a. recipe for disaster. you. and our different things it's kind of. the same kind of in some ways we have so. many similarities a lot of similarities. but we're different things in terms of. like how we we take care of our our. physical vehicle. mm-hmm yeah I mean you're trying to do. it now I know I've always done it.

until since I was 15. do you take days off from working out. yeah okay yeah I take a day off every. now and then I take a day off yeah. sometimes I just decide if I don't feel. good but I know if I'm being a [ __ ] you. know and one of the ways I know is how. tired I get in the sauna which is. interesting. you know so when I get really tired in. the song I'm tired what's going on I. don't get tired in this one I get like I.

can feel it I can feel it going like I. don't got much more in me yeah I'm not. tired though it's um struggle whatever. it is it's um that's how I know it's one. of the ways that I know that I'm feeling. bad other than working out like when I'm. working out I can really tell like in. the middle of covet like my whole family. had covered um my my one daughter got it. first and then my wife got it and then. my second daughter got it and uh I never. got it but I was working out and they. were saying you're gonna get it you're. gonna get it I didn't have a mask on I.

was hugging them like oh my God Daddy. stop hugging me I have covered I was. laughing I'm like I don't think I'm. gonna get it but I I went to work out. and when I was working out I was like. whoa I feel my body fighting this it was. interesting because I work out so much I. was doing this I have this circuit that. I do with kettlebells and I started the. circuit and I do a warm-up where I just. warm up with uh 35 pound swings and I I. do 10 swings each arm then I do cat 10. clean and presses so I'm doing the 10. swings and I'm like what is going on I'm.

like What's Happening Here I'm like why. do I feel like diminished and then I. realize like oh this is my immune system. trying to fight this off so this was. probably like a Thursday or something. like that and I had the whole weekend. um where I didn't have any podcast so I. was wondering almost like okay well when. I get tested on Monday morning I wonder. if I'm going to be positive like this is. interesting never got it really but but. I knew it was coming because of the way.

I felt working out I was like I know I. knew it was on the back door but then. I've got a bunch of vitamins I did the. vitamin IV drip I did an NAD drip and I. never got covered but that same feeling. if I get that now I know I never push. through it never push through it really. yeah because I know when I'm being a. [ __ ] and I know when something's wrong. and that was when I was doing the swings. I was like something's wrong like you. know your body like that yeah I was like. something's off here but it's because I.

take care of it that's it and so like. when I get in the sauna that's how I. know if I'm run down if I get in the. sauna and like I'm looking at my watch. like 15 minutes and I'm like [ __ ] those. last five are rough yeah but that's what. I know like I'm I'm gonna wear it worn. out right now maybe we we'd go real. light today if I work out maybe take it. easy you know I've had covet I think six. times I thought you said seven today I. think seven I'm always Isla says seven. I've had I've had it every time you can. get it and I can tell you when I get I.

can tell you what I mean I should be a. doctor now I could tell you when I get. code but I can tell you what it feels. like well don't you think some of that. has to do with this schedule that you. were just talking about like being on. the tour bus not getting good sleep. drinking all the time traveling from. City to City yeah oh it's it's entirely. based on so the the last the last time I. got covered was when I take my special. and they they were testing every day and. I could feel myself getting sick but I. wasn't partying I was inviting party at. October October I didn't party up until. my special I gave myself my birthday.

weekend right but I didn't party up. until I shot my special so I wanted to I. know I looked fat and special but I look. better than I looked today so I look. good and I look jacked I look [ __ ] a. lot of people. and so uh. they were testing up until the day of. the special and I remember saying to my. assistant beat I was like he thought he. was getting sick I go hey man if you got. covered don't tell anyone [ __ ] just. [ __ ] don't test [ __ ] stay away. don't give I don't give a [ __ ] I don't I. want to make sure we get this special in. the can right. especially now.

yeah I mean now covet is like a cold. anyway. so we shoot the special get it. in the can the next day I get a private. jet for everyone on my team to go home. and I partied and I partied the night I. shot my special after I shot it I. partied and I parted the next day on the. private jet. and I came home and tested positive the. second that I woke up the next morning. and I tested positive and I knew I had. to go but I could feel it it happens. right here on the left side of my head.

every time it's like a headache on the. left side of my head I feel it I feel. run down and I got up to work out and I. was like you're being a [ __ ] work out. and uh and then we got a text from my. manager or my agent or someone who's. like hey I tested positive this morning. so everyone started testing not everyone. tested positive Victorian test positive. Pete did Pete didn't test positive but. Pete's a gangster he came up to me with. a mask did my test and was like here man. you got covered [ __ ] them. you you you can know the difference.

between being a [ __ ] and whether or not. you're not feeling good is if if you. always hold yourself accountable well I. think you probably can I I I can party. pretty hard and then wake up and not. want it but you know the difference you. know what a hangover feels like no. really the first time I got covered I. thought it was a hangover oh interesting. first time I got covered I was like I'm. just really hungover I'm like you. probably were. the night the first night first time I. ever got covered I had partied hard as.

[ __ ] with my wife and uh uh uh not Salt. Lake City what's this uh Park City Park. City we went skiing in Park City Georgia. got it. and that was a super spreader location. Park City in the early days of KOA that. was like one of the places where a bunch. of people got covered I think they. traced it to like some clubs they had. some shows that they did you know what. is that thing that they do down there. Sundance yeah yeah wherever all the. [ __ ] let's get lighter yeah. um the first time I got covered I just.

thought it was a hangover and I went. skiing I went snowboarding me and my. daughter went snowboarding. Georgia and Leanne had covid so we sent. the tour bus to come get them in Park. City and drive them home an island I. stayed we're like we're gonna [ __ ]. hang out we're gonna go snowboarding and. so uh. I woke up and I was like God damn it I'm. hungover went snowboarding. uh it tested negative. uh flew home the second I got home. before I on the flight before if the.

flight I tested still negative the. second I got home I was I was a positive. and I was like God damn it and then the. next time I got covered I thought it was. a hangover again tested positive I mean. I think I think if I had your body and I. your mechanism where you like you don't. you don't really ever you're really good. at measuring your intake like last night. you didn't drink it you got a glass of. wine at dinner and that was it. right yeah. and but I I'm I I I I have to wake up. with an accountability of going you. wanted to party you got to work out so. every time I've had covet I [ __ ].

worked out and been like pushed in the. gym while you had coven yeah wow. sometimes that's not wise I'm sure it's. this idea that you're supposed to sweat. it out that's horseshit tell that to. Camp Haynes Camp Haynes is the one he. got sick I had to send a doctor to him. he ran I send the nurses to him when he. got covered he ran [ __ ] 10 miles. every day and polar plunged yeah while. he had covered that's a that's a. [ __ ] right it's not yeah don't. do that can I tell you why I like Camp. Haynes. okay. his book.

that he wrote did you listen to it of. course am I being drunk I mean it his. book I wrote that I did the forward to. it his book is a cell it's it's a it's a. self-help books it's a motivational book. but it's based on his own life. experiences yeah so you can tether. yourself to his life experiences and go. and I'm similar to that that's what I. liked about that book hmm there's [ __ ]. with his dad and the running stuff is I. can understand that and I was so cool I. listened to one on the beach on a jog. and uh and I I like I like self-help.

books like that you know where they're. like they tell you about their life and. their struggles and they're not trying. to pinpoint your weaknesses they're. letting you know about their weaknesses. yeah I love that [ __ ] man the reason why. I bring up you shouldn't work out while. you're sick is because even for elite. athletes when they work out when they. get sick they just get sicker and that's. what happened with uh hamzat shamaya. Hamza shamaya is one of the best. fighters in the UFC he got coveted and. kept training and got really [ __ ].

sick for real and was hospitalized not. just once but multiple times. hospitalized with covet because he. wouldn't stop training because he was a. [ __ ] animal so he'd get a little bit. better and then he'd break his body down. again like covet is a very strange. disease and if you let it get deep into. your body like if you break yourself. down like it's it seems to have affected. I know quite a few people that got it. really bad when they were drink King.

like they were really drunk and depleted. and their immune system was crashed. which is oftentimes how people get sick. and then they got it really bad but the. people that worked out while they're at. it man they kept it for a long [ __ ]. time and hamsa posted a photograph of. his toilet whereas like blood splattered. in the toilet because he was throwing up. blood and and he was saying like he's. gonna have to retire from fighting. because his lungs were [ __ ] up from. covid so Leanne had long covered and she. got when the first time she got covered.

I think she had coveted a couple times. now. the first time she got it she worked out. the whole time she had it yeah that's. probably what gave her long covered and. that probably broke her body down it's. like your body never has a chance to. fully recover you got to let your body. get to a hundred percent you got to let. you like your body's struggling right. and when you are exercising what you're. doing is you're taxing your body's. resources so your body has to repair and. improve and it repairs your. cardiovascular system and your muscular.

system you get stronger and you get. healthier but it's all about breaking. down and rebuilding well when you're. sick you don't rebuild you just break. down further so you're breaking down a. system that's already taxed you already. feel like [ __ ] like oh I just need to. push myself in the gym no you need to. [ __ ] rest you need to [ __ ] rest. and if you don't do that it'll just get. deep into your system so then so. I'm curious about your your actual. motivations so when you get up this. morning do you you don't have a personal.

trainer right you don't have anyone that. sets up a training program for you no I. don't know so then do you go today as. shoulders and you do shoulders yeah. write things out I have a white board. and I write out all the different. workouts so you make up your own workout. yeah and how to have like a um I have. circuits that I do so I have circuits. that I repeat and then I either add. weight or add repetitions or I'll add. additional exercises to the Circuit when. I decide the circuit's too too easy can. you post those on Instagram from now on. I'd be curious to see those I don't I.

try not to make it too public because I. think part of what I like to do is I. like to do it by myself. um I don't want to be there's a I mean. I've done it before like I've talked. about what I've done before but I think. there's something that's good about just. doing it in silence doing it by yourself. it's just struggling don't tell the. whole world that you're doing this I. kind of do already that's all I do I. know but for my head it's better to not. Yeah Yeah from my head it's better to. just go through it.

just go through it and because. everything I do is so public already. anyway like it's better to not have that. and which is like my medicine like. that's my medicine and working out is my. medicine that's my mental medicine for. sure but you understand the value in. knowing your medicine as an outsider I'm. I'm not advocating that you should post. these for real because if that's how it. works for you it should work but I am. curious. is like uh I've done we like when we did. the 100 push-ups it's a perfect example. knowing knowing that that's the.

benchmark. uh that it's interesting to see how you. like how hard you actually are pushing. it because if I wrote my own workhouse. they'd be [ __ ] cakewalks yeah they'd. be [ __ ] cakewalks I have someone else. Lacy Mackie does all my she's my trainer. she travels with us she does my workouts. and sometimes I'll see him I go [ __ ]. that workout that sucks I don't want to. do that yeah we did uh in December we. did um. I'm gonna misremember this five squats.

five burpees and five push-ups every day. and then we added five every day until. we got to the end of the month and we. were doing a hundred and [ __ ] 50. burpees 150 per shops and 150 squats and. it was undoable I mean it was like so. [ __ ] tough especially if you missed. today which we did and you were forced. to do like [ __ ] through at one point. I had 470 burpees left yeah like [ __ ]. this workout but like it's curious I'm. curious about like guys like you I say I.

say you David Goggins and campaigns. because those are like the guys I enjoy. but like I'm like campaign is pretty. specific I do. I do 12 miles every day at lunch which. is insane is [ __ ] insane. yeah and then Polar Plunge and this uh. do you know Jesse's I must mispronounced. his name Jesse seitzer Caesar he lived. with the campaigns uh he's. no no no no no. he lived with David Goggins my bad yeah.

he did something so [ __ ]. for a runner so powerful is that he's. talking about getting back into running. see it taking some time off he had an. injury he said what I like to do I'm. misremembering I'm sure but like I do. two minutes of running and then five. minutes of walking two minutes running. if I'm to get back and running it's so. [ __ ] useful as an outsider looking in. because I go. oh [ __ ] you know ever I gained some. weight on this last tour and I'm trying. to get back and I go that's really. interesting this morning on the.

treadmill I've did him that's good. that's a good way to do it doing. anything is good. um what I do even your process even your. process of how you come up with what. your workout will be is fascinating to. me because I know you kill it in the gym. I um. I treat myself like I'm my own personal. trainer that's what I do I treat myself. like I'm a different person. I don't look at me as like what I want. to do I look at me like a person I'm. telling to do things like I I'm I'm the.

boss of me. I don't do that yeah well it's okay you. don't have to do that this morning I. have to do that you understand I'm a. crazy person like I've realized I'm a. crazy person so I've figured out how to. not be crazy like I don't want to be. crazy I want to be I want to be nice so. what's the best way for me to be nice I. go crazy in the gym you've worked out. with me before when I work out I go. [ __ ] hard you try to have a hard time. I go [ __ ] hard so that for the rest. of the day I'm cool as a cucumber I'm.

relaxed and friendly and nice and I get. those demons out my litmus for health. has always been 225 bench press do you. remember we all did that yes the three. of us got pinned and you did like. [ __ ] 15. yeah you're like I think I'm. gonna rip my pack let's go do a podcast. I was joking I didn't really put my back. but like that I hadn't done any benching. that's the funny thing like I don't do I. don't bench no I bet it's my favorite. thing in the world no that's all from. kettlebells. so you're just kettlebell yeah I do. push-ups and I do dips and I do chin-ups.

and I do uh pull-ups with I do those L. pull-ups where I grab the bars like this. and I keep my legs extended in front of. me and I do them like this. like that it's like it's like pull-ups. and an AB it's like a back and ab. exercise arm backs and abs all at the. same time I've seen Brothers do it in. the hood on on like stop signs oh it's. such a good thing for you yeah those l l. chin ups but uh I don't do uh any bench. pressing you still running no no no I.

stopped that I [ __ ] my knee up yeah I. I've hurt my left knee a couple of times. now it's a point I tore my MCL and then. I kept training with this uh torn MCL. and it got it got pretty bad to the. point where I would do Muay Thai and it. would swell up and I was like God damn. it and so then I got a bunch of stem. cells in it and I haven't done any. running and I haven't done any Muay Thai. in like almost a year where I'm just. trying to fix it and it's 90 something. percent now it doesn't bother me at all. when I do squats or I did all the knees.

over toes stuff but the problem is you. know I'm a meathead and when I start. working out especially when I start. hitting the bag because it's so much. torque on your knees and it puts a lot. of stress on your tendons if you have a. weakened tendon that you're healing and. then you kick really hard it's like just. never heals it never it would like get. better and then I'd [ __ ] it up again. they would be sore for a few days and. then it just I just never let it get.

better so I decided okay. obviously there's a real issue here. let's keep getting stem cells in it. let's keep rehabilitating it and get it. to the point where you could [ __ ]. fully trust it before you start kicking. the [ __ ] out of a heavy bag it's hard to. know though I did I had the surgery on. my elbow and uh there was a period it. wasn't until recently that I don't think. about it at all now but there was a long. time where I had a hard time doing. anything with my arm how long like a. year honestly until we did push-ups yeah. the push-ups helped it probably push.

that blood flow helped a lot and I. haven't let go of the push-ups I'm still. doing I'm doing 100 a day roughly nice. um that's huge squats too squats Mark. Norman yeah we did a little we were when. we were in that's a Super Bowl me Mark. and Shane or with all pro athletes right. everyone's thick with pro athletes. [ __ ] the the [ __ ] Savages. and I was like I was with I think Gabe. Davis Shane Gabriel's a big wide. receiver from Buffalo Bills and they. said how many push-ups you think you do. I go 50 and they're like [ __ ] you.

can't do 10. you know me and my head how. my brain works I go all right [ __ ]. 45 I tapped out and then Mark Norman. this little [ __ ] [ __ ] he goes I bet I. could do 50. and everyone's like there's. no [ __ ] way Mark boom Norman bangs. out 57 and doesn't even get tired wow. and then pulls me aside the end of the. night he goes cheat code I do 50 every. morning. because I do 50 squats 50 push-ups I do. I try to keep them active it's a good. thing to do and like the way we were.

doing it 100 every day you don't realize. it till the end of like the month but. like your body changes yeah like your. shoulders change or your triceps change. like my arms got thicker like I felt. clothes felt I've gained an inch on my. arm I do measurements from weight loss I. do measurements mostly so I go around. the belly button right now I'm 47. my. arms gained an inch after that month and. like today they're where they are today. they were 17 when I started I'd measure. myself my arms 18 inches around now. python that's [ __ ] dude 18 inch.

pythons all I wanted someone to watch. this special and go he looks jacked well. one person's gonna do that please some. like. super slob I was going to wear those. pants on my special why didn't you a. little distracting Joe they're kind of. cool they're badass they won't that. wouldn't be distracting that would be. really distracting no the only thing I. do the only thing are those sequins they. are uh velvet pants they're velvet but. the pattern is so interesting oh maybe.

there are sequins see all the there's. like there's a clear pattern in that. yeah you don't even remember where. there's a sequins wow how long ago did. you take this picture who knows. that's a lot of [ __ ] I don't care about. you'd be shocked isn't that important. though compartmentalizing yeah I don't. care about that it's very important to. not care about certain things just like. so but okay I feel about the banks right. now that's how I feel definitely about. the banks that's how I feel about. politics that's how I feel about covid. yeah that's how I feel about the Alex. Jones [ __ ] like I don't really care. about like I know that he got in trouble.

but I don't really care I thought I. still think he makes me go let me know. and then like I don't care about a lot. of [ __ ]. well you don't have to. so Donnell said because you're white. Darnell goes yeah you know why you don't. care I go why he goes because you're. white and you don't have to it doesn't. change your life I went yeah you're. right I get bummed when you go to a city. and they don't sell beer on a Sunday and. you're like what the [ __ ] happened to. this city we need to make change yeah. make this city great again yeah. sell beer on Sunday.

Boston used to do that yeah they used to. have to go to New Hampshire we have to. used to go to the package store that's. what they used to call we had to make a. Packy run you got to go to the [ __ ]. Packie that's what they would call the. liquor stores the package store that's. like ancient Colonial talk like think. about that that's Pilgrim talk dude I. gotta go to the package store the. package store that does sound crazy. that's what we called it the [ __ ] when I. was a kid yeah. gotta go to the [ __ ] Packie.

we would have to drive an out like just. like 30 minutes outside in Tallahassee. you could get beer after two in the. morning only 30 minutes yeah New. Hampshire [ __ ] New Hampshire I couldn't. even tell you where New Hampshire was on. a map right above Massachusetts. so we would drive and you have to drive. in this [ __ ] Road where it's like. two lanes so if somebody breaks down. you're [ __ ] like these Lanes suck like. and people drive slow they're all. terrified of cops.

see driving up to New Hampshire to go. buy booze I can't believe I never got a. DUI. you're lucky I've never why no I don't. drink and drive I just I don't know. that's why that's how you don't get a. DUI specifically. oh I'm not a big driver I got pulled. over once when I wasn't drunk I dropped. my phone in between my legs I was uh in. my car and I was driving and. um I don't remember if someone called me. or something but I was on the phone and. I dropped the phone between my legs and.

I was like [ __ ] and it like went under. the seat so I had to like do this thing. where you're in there and I moved over. and it was like late at night so there. was no one on the road but I moved over. and did that thing and then picked up. the phone and next you know the lights. are behind me and so uh I got pulled. over and I had to do the all the drunk. test I told him I'm not drunk like did. you ever drink and I was honest I said. yeah I had a drink before I went on. stage like three hours ago and so I did. all the things all the stupid [ __ ] this.

is interesting. it's like they're trying to check me to. see but I know I'm sober I'm like come. on come on you know I'm sober. but it was interesting because like they. make you do the all the stuff and I did. it all perfectly you know like the. balance stuff and everything I was like. okay can I go and they're like all right. and they let me go. we did uh. I I. when we went to Canada for the first. time you're not allowed to bring drugs. into Canada obviously did you bring jobs. into Canada I brought a little bit of. drugs into Canada what'd you bring just.

weed a one-hitter. about a glass one hitter where was it uh. it was I had it with me because it was. the first time on the tour bus did they. have a dog no we so I said what I'm. gonna do Leanne was with me so it's. Jesus Trejo. and I said I'm gonna it's my first time. on the tour bus I'm gonna have a. cocktail I'm gonna smoke this one hitter. and enjoy the tour bus. all sudden the door's open and they're. like we're at Borders and I hadn't hit. my one hitter so I [ __ ] panicked I. run back to the bathroom it's a brand. new tour bus I've never been on tour bus. I don't have no how lights work I don't.

know anything works I just know I got to. clean out this one hitter you gotta. clean it out by smoking weed while. you're at the border I gotta I gotta. empty it and throw it in the garbage you. gotta get rid of it I gotta flush it. right drop the glass one hit her it. shatters okay. I scrambled I can't figure out how to. get lights on I get the weed I put it in. the toilet I [ __ ] literally doors are. opening and they're like hey border. patrol we're here to search the bus I. was like oh yeah yeah sure sure the one. thing Leanne said was do not bring drugs.

into [ __ ] Canada. so we go into the holding thing and. we're there for like an hour and a half. at two in the [ __ ] morning or hour. and a half we're waiting and I'm like. I'm [ __ ] busted and the guy comes in. and he goes uh. you guys are all good. I was like oh thank God so as we're. walking to the bus I'm still a little. buzzed and I'm feeling loose and I go. hey man just out of curiosity like what. would have happened if we had brought. drugs and in into the into Canada and he. goes you mean hypothetically like say. someone had a glass one hitter in their.

bathroom shattered it tried to throw it. in the toilet and didn't flush it. and immediately everyone looks at me and. I'm like yeah like that and he'd go I'd. say it's an honor meeting the machine. enjoy your tour in Canada. [Music]. a little bit of drugs a little bit of. drugs should be like a that should be. the you know where you go yeah a little. bit Yeah like a Britney Griner they. should have a Brittany Griner amount. that you could bring a vape pen come on. you're not selling a vape.

wasn't hers just CBD too no I don't know. was it actually weed I'm certain it was. who knows if it actually even happened. they might have just planted that on her. we were gonna go to Russia to uh promote. a movie we have to promote the movie why. not are you kidding me okay okay you. sound like Sony right now so what if. what if I get arrested. they're not going to send someone for. you. look at me you're not a.

you're not a six and a half foot tall. lesbian. that is the star of the WNBA no no no no. no no hang on let's work this out would. you I bet but there's a marine that's in. jail over there and they didn't they. didn't they had the option to release. him or release Brittany Griner and they. released Brittany Greiner for real yeah. wait what did the brain do weed. um uh no. um some sort of classified information. he had.

you know um would you forget what the. actual of course I would I don't know I. forget what the actual charge was. um so you can find that but uh he was. doing something like trying to sneak out. classified information from Russia. that's what he's like a little different. than a vape pen yeah it is but they're. both in jail yeah like and they offered. this arms dealer this arms dealer that. we traded for Brittany Griner yeah they. offered the Arms Dealer for the Marine. guy oh for real yeah and they said no.

yeah that's his goofy Administration. that we're dealing with right here but. both of them should be saved. talks continue on Exchange of U.S. ex-marine held in Russia so this is. December 8 2023. 2022 rather sorry duh duh. um. so this was a while ago you know Putin's. got to listen to your podcast right I. hope so hey what's up bro. he'd be I I guarantee you all you guys. got solid Judo does he yep yeah praise.

him on his Judo he's got legit Judo he's. a judo black belt if he wanted to fly. you over would you nay. wait what's wrong with your brain I. would love that why would you do that I. would love it because if anything do you. know the story about uh Robert Kraft and. the football in the Super Bowl ring. where he took his ring and put him on. and then kept it yeah so I could kill. someone with this ring I'd lose this. watch he walks away yeah you would lose. that watch The Harpy but no one cares. about a while he can get a watch but he. can't get a Super Bowl ring so he just. took the Super Bowl ring.

dude that's a different kind of human. he's probably one of if not the richest. man in the world. and you know the fact that he just did. that to that dude and just walked off. with that ring but what about the. prospect of you hanging out with Putin. and turn him into a cooler dude of your. [ __ ] mind yeah hey forget about all. those people that you killed that were. your political opponents let's be cool. now. just be a different person now be a. totally different human with a totally. different background that wasn't in the.

KGB that isn't a dictator that doesn't. control information and control what. news gets distributed to your people. that doesn't have a lockdown on the. internet and is in complete control of. all the oligarchs in your country to the. point where they're so embedded with you. that when you go to war with Ukraine. they steal the oligarchs Yachts because. they they confiscate them because they. shouldn't have the money that they have. because the only way they can have the. money they have is they're in cahoots. with you and you're obviously evil yeah.

yeah it's not my gig. you don't care about any of that [ __ ]. though I still want to meet Kim Jong-un. wow yeah I want to I want to that's I. would be I [ __ ] like that interests me. what interests me is Trump medium that. was interesting that Kim Jong-un after. he called him Little Rocket Man goes to. meet him shakes his hand they're all. smiling. yeah it's um that's how awful game.

you're meeting dictators. I mean if you're the president United. States like Trump but you're trying to. make you know foreign relationships. better you're supposed to do that it's. good oh wow look at that looking at two. haircuts it's also the the SM the the. [ __ ] mocking glare that Trump gives. everyone because it's like you with. Trump when Trump's talking to someone. it's always like be nice or I'm going to. talk [ __ ] like no matter what it's like.

I may talk [ __ ] like well let's get. through this let's make have an. agreement hey nice to meet you too don't. say nothing or I'll talk [ __ ]. like even the way this this smug like. look on his face while he's shaking. hands with the guy all right all right. what a [ __ ] character this is a. adjacent conversation look at that. that's the Border oh that's where they. met that's right the parallel that's the. [ __ ] line. imagine the guy that installed those. greats that's two different companies.

obviously not one company installed both. those grades I know right it has to be. but what about the building how the [ __ ]. is there one building that crosses both. lines who built that building who built. that [ __ ] building did they meet in. the middle. the whole the North Korea thing is wild. when I had you only Park on and she. explained how she got out of North Korea. when she was 13. how she escaped went to. China and like wow. that was one of those stories you're. like holy [ __ ] she's talking about how. people are starving in North Korea those.

are the kind of people that don't want. to hear nothing about all this Marxism. and woke comedies communist [ __ ]. they don't want to hear nothing about. that because they know this is where. this goes what they said to all those. people there they said we can all have. food if everyone just gives up their. land all these people that own land. they're the problem we give up the land. then we'll all have the land and the. moment they did that the moment people. agreed to that. everybody's starving then the government. controls the food distribution and if. you try to take more than you share you.

get killed it's horrific [ __ ] what they. did horrific [ __ ] but it all was under. the guise of making a more Equitable. Society making a more fair and just. world like why should these rich people. have these Farms why is she we should. give it to the state and then all of a. sudden the state is in control and. everybody's starving people are eating. bugs just trying to stay alive yeah I. didn't watch that episode it's rough but. that's the problem with like shaking. hands with a dictator like what are you.

doing what's the difference I mean. arguably I I'm obviously I know I'm. going to get lit up for saying this. what's the difference between shaking. their hands with our president it's a. big difference. the way this country is run it's not. perfect but the way this country is run. is so [ __ ] Superior to any system. that is anywhere else in the world. because the checks and balances that. were put in place by the founding. fathers they knew that tyranny is a. natural course of progression for human. nature it's just what people do when.

they get in control they become. dictators and they put all these checks. and balances in the house and the Senate. and they did it all the Electoral. College to make sure that this term. limits make sure that you can't do that. make sure you can't do what Putin's. doing make sure you can't do a Kim. jong-un's doing because when you get. into a position like that just look what. they try to do look at what people try. to do to stop criticism on Twitter that. yeah they [ __ ] send the FBI to. Twitter to try to remove people from. Twitter because they're saying thing.

this interferes with the way they govern. like all that [ __ ] is natural and the. founding fathers of this country were. the only people that put together a. system to mitigate that and over time. these [ __ ] [ __ ] and these corrupt. [ __ ] have done an amazing job of. trying to chip away at that or convince. people that it should be chipped away at. and convince people that Freedom's not. important what's important is equity and. inclusiveness and diversity and no no no. no no no no no no no no no that is a.

[ __ ] that's a sheep costume that the. wolf wears and the Wolf is control the. wolf is control over people and forcing. people to bend your ideological will. whether it's the will of the people on. the right or the will of the people on. the left that's what it comes in it. comes in the form of like equity and. inclusiveness I think you're saying the. same thing almost right because it's. kind of it's almost like McCarthyism. like where they start saying this is how. it works you can't question.

yeah whatever it is anything climate. change it's happening there too almost. right. it's happening on both places well it's. a natural thing that people do they. don't want people questioning things. because they don't just like. you don't want someone to ask you who's. Freddie Gibbs I don't nobody forget it. that's what it's like it's like they. don't want to deal with all the. different things that you have to deal. with when you're debating something and. you want to be proven correct so what's. the best way to do it just silence that.

person shut the [ __ ] up yeah take them. off Twitter ban them lock them up put. them in jail but give him a house arrest. you know uh sue him find a way to stop. it and that's what people do it's a. natural thing that people do. yeah I mean it sounds like it it sounds. to me like it happens everywhere it sort. of happens everywhere but here is the. best version of it this is the best. version of the most free version I've. been doing it to ourselves a little bit. but we aren't also because you and I are.

on a [ __ ] podcast right now that. millions of people are listening to and. we're not being censored at all so this. exists here uniquely you have to. understand that this ability to. broadcast to millions of people without. any censorship without any no oversight. there's no one leaning over our shoulder. that's unprecedented it's gonna sound. super naive there are no Russian. podcasts of course there are but I'm. sure they're censored like if you're a. Russian and you talk [ __ ] about the. government you're [ __ ] you know what.

they did with [ __ ] Riot you know they. put [ __ ] right in [ __ ] jail for for. talking badly about the government I. know I know [ __ ] right got in jail but. I didn't I didn't know that yeah if you. are a political dissenter in Russia like. an aggressive political dissenter your. life is in danger for real yeah for real. yeah yeah you if you become a problem. over there your life's in danger yeah. well I knew I I mean all I know is. Russia is nearly isolated online what. does that mean for the internet its. future concerns about the emergence of.

Splinter debt a balkanization of the web. have been gaining momentum the war in. Ukraine threatens to make them a reality. so that's what you have to recognize. like Russia does not have access to like. unless they're using. um some sort of a portal to get out. they're using a VPN or something where. they're a lot and even that's dangerous. because they catch you using a VPN. you're [ __ ] but they have no access to. like all the stuff that we read they. have no access to Wall Street Journal. articles they have no access to like all.

the things that we they have access to. Russian state-sponsored internet this is. I'm must be the most naive person in the. world. is is our government controlling our. internet no but they want to they would. like to. but you know 4chan 4chan doesn't exist. if the government's controlling it you. know Reddit so that it doesn't exist if. those guys don't have Reddit and what. our government is doing though for sure. whether they admit it or not they have a. bunch of people that are hired to post.

and say things that go along with their. narrative and aggressively argue and try. to shame and attack people that go. against the narrative whatever that. narrative is whether it's climate change. or coveted lockdowns or the war in. Ukraine or whatever the narrative is the. government's pushing for sure just like. they have over in Russia they have those. troll Farms where they uh they make fake. Facebook pages and attack people for. sure our government does that there's. not a chance in hell they don't not a.

chance in hell they would not utilize. that resource for propaganda we created. it right I mean that's how we internet. no we created overthrowing governments. and creating dialogues well I mean. people have been doing that since the. beginning right right for sure we have. been involved in regime change Wars. forever forever I mean that is uh. literally Smedley Butler's. 1933 uh story that he wrote article he. wrote War is a racket. have you ever read that Joe war is a.

racket this guy this guy Smedley Butler. who's a general who's this like. decorated war hero who realized at the. end of his career that the whole thing. that he thought he was doing was. [ __ ] and that war was pull it up. because it's worth revisiting every year. and a half or two years spedly racket. Smedley Butler it's called smoothly. racket the war is a racket. 1935 short book yeah.

but it's it's basically he's basically. saying that he realized along the way. that what he was doing where he thought. he was like making the world safe and. you know stopping to your tyrants and. you know. being just that he was really making. things safe for bankers and and and for. people that were trying to acquire. natural resources they'll put that back. on please just right where you were war.

is a racket it always has been it is. possibly the oldest easily the most. profitable surely the most vicious it is. the only one international in scope it. is the only one in which the prophets. are reckoned in dollars and the losses. in lives a racket is best described I. believe as something that is not what it. seems to to the majority of people. to the majority of the people only a. small inside group knows what it is. about it is conducted for the benefit of.

the very few at the expense of the very. many out of War a few people make huge. fortunes Butler confesses that during. his Decades of service in the United. States Marine Corps he goes I helped I. helped make Mexico especially Tampico I. said is that I say that Tampico safe for. American Oil interest in 1914. I helped. make Haiti and Cuba a decent place for. the National City Bank boys to collect. revenues in I helped in the raping of a.

half a dozen Central American republics. for the benefit of Wall Street. the record of racketeering is long I. helped purify Nicaragua for the. international banking House of the Brown. Brothers in 1909 to 1912. where have I. heard that name before I brought to. light the Dominican Republic for. American sugar interests in 1916. in. China I helped see it to that standard. or I helped see to it that standard oil.

went its way unmolested like so these. are all things at the very beginning of. the 20th century that he's discussing. that most of us aren't even aware of. anymore yeah that our government did in. order to secure money and to secure. national resources natural resources to. make things safe for bankers and it's. like we've been doing it this way. forever it's I mean. that's that's the rub it's the rub it's. like it's the [ __ ] whole thing with.

the vaccine it's the rub. your. I mean I it it's money yeah they they're. willing to do things for money that cost. lives and the people that are making the. money don't experience the loss because. they're not losing their lives and. they've been doing it that way for. [ __ ] ever forever and every now and. again we forget and we get naive and. like they wouldn't [ __ ] us again and. then they [ __ ] you again. uh the fact that people like believed in.

the pharmaceutical companies is wild. they're the people the biggest criminal. fines in history. criminal fines where people die like if. you get a criminal fine like say if uh. you make uh pants and the pants they. [ __ ] fall apart and they go oh you. knew these pants are going to fall apart. we're going to hit you with a Criminal. fine. it's okay it's no big deal it's just. pants their criminal fines are for drugs. that kill you things where they knew you.

were gonna like vioxx where they knew. people were going to have strokes and. they still I don't know it was a. anti-inflammatory medication that killed. 50 000 plus people. they were fined I believe they were. fined five billion dollars off of 12. billion dollars that they made off of. the drug. so they made money they make money so. they get a big fat find everybody's like. well we find them yeah but how much did. they make they made more money than you. find them this is wild so you allow them.

to profit off of people dying and it's a. just [ __ ] shell game and they move. money around they they pay off. politicians and you see people talk [ __ ]. in Congress and you know they're bought. and paid for and it's like the whole. thing is wild it's medley Butler all. over again it's just it's been like that. from the beginning of time it says it's. because of Fukushima but I was looking. up the largest fines and it's uh 95. billion dollars oh wow in Tokyo yeah.

that's a big earthquake that's a big one. oh yeah there was a tsunami yeah. wow so Pfizer is a big one 2.3 billion. in criminal and civil fines the largest. and recent pharmaceutical history. yeah that BP one was pretty big too 2.3. billion. these are disasters right these are like. accidental things it's not a side effect. of a drug they release but here's the. here's the where I get hung up okay a.

little bit is like uh I don't know [ __ ]. it I don't care. I'm not going to Russia yeah don't go to. Russia please. 100 put you in jail you think yeah why. wouldn't they 35 [ __ ] him put him in. jail wow dieselgate vw's emission. scandals cost the car I think that okay. criminal and civil fines yeah. I don't what does it cost them already.

that's wild well it probably also to. date V uh wow to date VW is paid 34.9. billion in criminal and civil fine so. they paid it so far. just for and that was about lying about. how much. um emissions they produced right yeah so. they [ __ ] with their emissions who. would have thought that the Nazis would. just lie. no they're not Nazis but I mean you know. I thought you're talking about the real. Nazis well the VW was started by the. Nazis oh was it oh yeah I knew the. people's [ __ ] wagon Facebook's paid.

out 5 billion in penalties for privacy. violations whoopsies so so sorry but. ellipses how much did they make they. could pay off five billion what about. this I feel like I'm gonna put it in. very small terms okay do you remember. the comic that would tell you you got to. check your numbers they're gonna [ __ ]. you on the bonuses. oh a lot of people tell you that yeah. and then sometimes you go. yeah but. I'm not gonna be the guy that sits there. and looks at every [ __ ] table oh I. have I have when I knew that someone was. [ __ ] me there's this one guy that. someone told me to look out for and then.

he did it to me he tried to tell me that. uh he gave away comps like what are you. talking about like we have a contract he. goes what do you want to do about the. comps I go. give me the [ __ ] money like what are. you talking about you didn't break comps. you [ __ ] liar give me the money. you've been doing this to everybody like. he he would do it to everybody we'd tell. you like you didn't really sell out and. you're like there's not an empty seat in. this place no it just looks like that he. looked you look he's straight in the eye. yeah he did that to me one time and then. I came back a year later this time I.

sold it out way in advance and when I. sold it out like in advance before I got. to the club everything was sold out he. tried to tell me he gave away 150 comps. a show I was like what are you talking. about like what do you like we we're. like looking at each other where I knew. he was lying like I'm you know when you. make an eye contact with someone and you. know they're trying to [ __ ] you over and. they know that you know but the words. keep coming out of their mouth yeah and. then I just go give me the [ __ ] money. and then he just cuts the check and I.

never worked for him again and I told. everybody I'm like [ __ ] you man like. you're a thief you're just a thief. pretending to be doing business this is. thievery you're lying like we have a. deal and you're trying to make more. money than you deserve because you're a. [ __ ]. uh I agree my point I was trying to make. was a little bit off to the adjacent to. that but like yes for you to say that I. listen to it but how many Comics do you. know that have said.

uh yeah they [ __ ] you on your bonuses. and I go yeah but you don't sell out. yeah that's a problem and so that's my. Pro that's my problem with everything I. learned like I listen to you and Russell. Brand and it was man it was a lot it was. a lot Russell's amazing he's it was so. much that I was like I'd listen to in. chunks because I don't think he's on. Fast Forward. he talks so fast people think he's on. Fast Forward he doesn't even do drugs. he's so good he's amazing he was great. on Bill Maher too did you see him on. Bill Maher of course when he's going. after with that CNBC guy hilarious I go. MSNBC I would love for him to come in.

into an argument with me and my wife and. take my side. Russell's gonna speak for me I've been. drinking he knows how to do it with. humor he's really great yeah but but I I. there are so many the problem is with. everything going on in the world right. now there are so many narratives so many. people and and I take it back to the. comics and the club going you get [ __ ]. on bonuses yeah you hear that from so. many people that you know that aren't. selling tickets that if I hear from you. that's one thing but most of the time. you don't get [ __ ] on bonuses most of. the time that's why the the reason why.

it's so upsetting when someone tries to. rip you off is because it's so cliche in. Hollywood in show business but it's so. rare So when someone like this guy had. done it to someone else and then. Stanhope had warned me about it and then. Dom irara had warned me about him yeah. you know the club. but it's like you know now everybody. knows you [ __ ] [ __ ] yeah it's the. power of talking behind people's back. yeah well it's also the power of you. know we're honest with each other you. know and like you want to know like.

where's a good place to work oh you know. Acme is great and like work at this. place The Comedy Works in Denver you. know everybody talks about the good. spots and how fun it is but we also talk. about someone who's you know there's. people that are thieves man they're just. they're trying to lie and swindle I mean. you hear about it all the time in the. news there's always someone getting. [ __ ] because someone lied about. something and stealing money and. you know I had this coffee Zilla guy on. do you know he has the internet guy he's. he he's a great guy he's got a YouTube. show and uh he mostly bus people with.

scams and he's you know like bust people. with like crypto scams and and you know. explains how they're doing this and how. they're [ __ ] people over it's. fascinating how much that stuff is going. on. I look at it like I never understood the. whole crypto [ __ ] Dinah whatever the. [ __ ] the ntf stuff was nfts nfts and. then you watch it go south yeah and then. part of me goes oh thank God I didn't. try to understand that yeah but now it.

seems like regular money's going south. like what did you find what's going on. yeah are we [ __ ]. do I need to buy gold. how many bullets am I going to need I. don't understand still what's happening. it's the 22s that you need how many I've. been hearing uh there's been a it was a. The Regulators were are making a. statement about crypto is what I've. heard is like maybe the underlying issue. what's going on oh they're blaming. crypto they're blaming they're tanking. the banks to blame crypto to keep people.

in a 15-minute radius of their house. keep you on a social credit score system. we're [ __ ]. because of this crypto's gone up it like. went up 15 today almost right because. nobody trusts regular money anymore. uh [ __ ] crypto it's all gross. I should have listened to Red Band back. in the day. we should just buy gold really yeah I. don't know 22 bullets rifle a 22 rifle. those bullets are the most valuable. thing now why. because uh 22 is the most valuable like. a rifle 22 rifle is the most valuable.

thing you can have what it's good for. running. what well small things yeah but why you. want to hunt small things no I don't. know you want to shoot a big thing so. you only have to eat like one thing a. week this is a an example of me read. gurgitating a conversation I heard New. Orleans yeah those people in New Orleans. need to shut the [ __ ] up whoever told. you that doesn't really hunt they said. 22 bullets see if you can find that. Jamie there's got to be truth to this I. know I heard this well you could shoot. squirrels number 22 rifle bullets are. the hardest thing to get in an. apocalypse.

okay maybe because they don't make that. many of them but you don't want a 22. like you want to like a you want a more. versatile round you know I want. something that can kill everything yeah. you want something to kill a moose and a. deer and a [ __ ] groundhog like. whatever the [ __ ] you want to shoot but. you can't kill a groundhog with the same. thing you killed moose with you you. certainly can no certainly can yeah you. headshot them. their heads explode boom. yeah there's a video of uh Brock Lesnar.

shooting uh I think it's groundhogs. prairie dogs he's shooting because. prairie dogs dig holes. and they snap their legs and horses step. in them break their legs and so like. when they have them on ranches they kill. them and they're shooting them with a 50. caliber. which is like is that's a round. they're ridiculous I've shocked 50. caliber rifles and then had panic. attacks in my bed later.

they [ __ ] concuss you yeah the Boom. is so scary boom and you shake your. whole body yeah your fillings are loose. and you're just like I'm not and then. you you reek of gunpowder. yeah it's not good you don't need that. you don't want to hunt squirrels with a. 50 caliber but like a 300 Win Mag is. like a good versatile round you can. shoot deer with it you can shoot a moose. with it you want a lot of those you want. versatile bullets like if the [ __ ] goes.

down you don't want just 22s because if. you shoot a deer with a 22 you're. probably going to wound it. that's probably going to run away and. you're probably never going to find it. it might run miles and miles before you. get to it before it dies really you. might not ever find it and it might not. bleed a lot so you and blood trailing is. very difficult like you have to know. what to look for you have to know how to. do it it's not easy to Trail an animal. I'll never Blood Trail anything I'll. never Blood Trail anything I'd be. shocked if I ever killed anything other. than fish fish are easy they don't even.

take care of their kids. they just come they come on eggs and the. kids run away and get eaten. nobody cares about fish you can hold up. a dead fish no one cares try hold up a. dead deer people will [ __ ] freak out. at you. yeah you know hold up the Paw of a dead. bear you shot people go nuts is that the. thing oh yeah people love bears they're. so stupid they think they're very like. Smokey the Bear why'd you kill boo-boo. why did you kill Yogi that's a [ __ ].

Predator that you can eat it's a Colin. Quinn you stop a joke about he goes uh. everyone's trying to save the polar. bears save the polar bears let me tell. you something ladies and gentlemen if a. polar bear walked into this room right. now you'd be throwing chairs at it. true and it wouldn't help they'd run. right through you they're terrifying. have you ever seen that video where. there's a journalist who gets inside of. a box in uh in the Arctic and the polar. bear is trying to get to him it's a. giant Plexiglas box that they built just.

for this just to show how predatory. polar bears are polar bears are the most. predatory of all bears because they're. the only bear that doesn't eat any grass. doesn't eat any vegetables no nothing. Drive. no no it's just a big steel box with. cameras on it and where the bear can. smell this guy so the bear walks up to. this dude and realizes that there's some. sort of a life form in there before it. approaches like it would when stalking a. seal my scent is strongest at the.

weakest point the door oh [ __ ]. yeah that bear if it got to that guy. would just tear him apart no ifans or. butts would definitely 100 eat him. that's the difference between a polar. bear and a grizzly bear or a polar bear. and a brown bear or a polar bear and a. black bear when when Grizzlies see you. they might not want to have anything to. do with you polar bear sees you it's.

like oh I'll eat you. you're you're a living thing yeah look. at its mouth what's trying to bite look. at that [ __ ] all that [ __ ] all that. because they're they live in the. harshest climate. they have to be the most aggressive. of swim with great white sharks a bunch. and uh a bunch a bunch yeah and uh I've. done so much [ __ ] that I don't remember. like I remember hearing a podcast you. did with the guy and he was like it was.

like he did it so well he's like I lived. I stayed in the biggest cave in the. world and I was like oh what's this and. then I realized oh I've been there too. yeah I've been there yeah well when you. did that Travel Channel yeah I did so. much [ __ ] that I don't remember yeah but. like I swam I swam out of the cage with. great white sharks I swam in the cage of. great white sharks and man I'll tell you. there's a moment where you go. how do they know this has been tested. right like they don't you're in a cage. and you see that one that broke recently.

uh yeah I did oh. someone someone builds it and then you. sit out there and you go let's hope it. works yeah like this [ __ ] [ __ ]. this guy this silly [ __ ] I would have. been like how do you know like how do. you know that that's gonna stop the. polar bear from eating me and do you. guys have a method that you're gonna use. to chase the polar bear away and you. can't tell a bear take it at half speed. you go hey we got it cut right let's go. everyone rap let's go to and when you. want to leave the bear decides like no. I'd rather just stay here and figure out.

a way to eat you so how you shoo the. bear off you're gonna shoot it you can't. shoot it it's protected so what are you. gonna do you can shoot it I'll tell you. I'll take the fine would you it's been. fine yes oh yeah dude we did we did a. red race car uh NASCAR track in uh and. Thunder Valley where they took us on a. track at like maybe like 110 miles an. hour possibly maybe 90. who [ __ ]. knows did you drive the car no they. drove it for us oh I want to drive one. of those Nascars for real yeah. yeah you can know how much that would.

feel. how [ __ ] much power those things must. have it's so raw but the key is with the. people that can drive it to get you an. inch from the wall oh when you're an. inch from a wall. sometimes they hit the wall oh how about. a foot from the wall they go so close to. the wall and you hear the tires. and all I thought when the tires hit was. they pop sometimes yeah they break and. if it pops it just you flip that's it. fire Brimstone Talladega Nights.

Talladega Nights. Tom Cruise use your witchcraft. what a great movie but what a great. [ __ ] movie you know what else is a. great movie what the machine the machine. coming soon when it's Memorial Day. Weekend Memorial Day week Memorial Day. weekend I got so much [ __ ] to promote. the machine fully loaded I got a cruise. that's already sold out I got Razzle. Dazzle the streaming right now on. Netflix is itberbird.com for everything. that'll get you everything you need from. me. that's it all right let's wrap it up I.

love you I love you too it's great. seeing you yeah Comedy Club yeah tonight. we're going to uh kill Tony kill Tony. and then uh flying home for flying to. New York continue press all right. goodbye everybody. [Music].