Joe Rogan Experience #188 - Amy Schumer

sorry sorry sorry it's a lot of people I. have to communicate with we already. started Joe here we go you dirty B no. how dare you did you really we said go. hold on here we go comma this is how. slow I type you dirty [ __ ] and you. know why I type so bad is cuz I don't. want to admit that I need glasses yeah. [ __ ] I need reading glasses I have. old man eyes no. HTTP and people say Joe do you write all. that those crazy lines before the ACT. yeah I do that all myself I'm like a. coder bro wow.

s oh my God sneakers reference that's. great whoa how did you bust that out how. dare you look dare I a lot going for. me you do have a lot going for you we're. going to get to that reference wise do. you have any flashlights at your house. Amy dude this this is a commercial. flashlight he's uh he's easing into it I. have zero flashlights are you guys. promoting flashlights or flashlights. flashlights flashlight oh that's nice. well it's one of our sponsors I have no. use very embarrassing it's not for you.

situation yeah that's a totally. different group if I'm ever craving a. pocket [ __ ] like I've got one well the. tuck and pull method of the fleslight. where you P you take the actual. fleslight out of it and it's like this. big fleshy thing and you tuck it inside. of you and then you pull it out slowly. and it feels really good it's kind of. like anal beads for your vagina it's the. second use of the Fleshlight but you you. want to make sure you don't tuck the. whole thing in there because it could. probably get stuck tell me L fascinating. tell me L Amy Schumer being silly goose. we we have two commercials this what we. do one of them is for the flashlight.

that really is a sponsor for our podcast. do you have one here I'd like to no I'm. sorry I would have brought you one if I. thought you were curious I thought there. was a gift bag situation I should I. should start hooking that up right Brian. I had a boyfriend we should get together. if if like I'd be into him getting that. and I was like I don't see how that. would benefit me at all oh why would. maybe so you could watch him [ __ ]. something else if you were crazy yeah I. was like I'm cool Mayu me maybe he could. just [ __ ] that thing and you spit on him. maybe that's what he's looking for maybe. that's what he wanted yeah on you me to. make more time for us or what's.

happening smack him in the face while. he's doing it yeah maybe he was like. that kind of a dude but I would minded. that you never know I tried to find. out anyway if you go to Joe rogan.net. click on the link for the flashlight. enter in the code name Rogan you will. get 15% off the number one sex toy for. men and our our sponsor forever from the. beginning of the podcast when we were. scrubs when we like this is what like. we've come so far but look at you we. have a room we have an actual space now. C but from the beginning of the podcast.

these guys were with us when nobody was. watching listening whatever so you're so. they they remain our SP our sponsor. they're cool and it's a good product. even though it sounds embarrassing it's. a good product I don't love it I like it. you like it I'm not going to complain. about it it's a good inanimate object. but I don't feel love for it that would. be creepy would be like a Twilight Zone. that' be like it's possible I those real. dolls you know have you seen those where. they have communities of real dolls. absolutely and dudes like get their real. dolls together hey man my girl likes.

your girl and I didn't know that. happened but I made fun of it on my. website once in a in a blog and then. some guy emailed me his reality you know. as to why he uh has this oh no was like. really. sad s or the best troll ever it was. horrific well it could have been it. could have been a troll could have been. a troll but it didn't seem like it was. he was uh one of the guys that was in. the community that was uh I was making. fun of cuz they had all their their. dolls and there dressing them and [ __ ]. and I'm like hey what the [ __ ] are you.

doing like you guys are crazy and there. well that a lot of these guys are either. disfigured or something really wrong. with them and yeah and so sad it's it is. very sad it's a [ __ ] what a shitty. roll di get down with [ __ ] a. disfigured guy yeah yeah like some. something like one little thing [ __ ]. up I think I could I think I could get. into that but what if he had a lot of. things oh if he's like he can't be like. all mased out like he's got to it's just. has to be like one Charming like.

like. a wart or something some weird I I don't. think it can be something extra I think. it has to be something missing so if. like a limb is gone that way like. everyone thinks I'm so nice and uh and. I'll be kind of like grossed out while. we're [ __ ] but uh but like get into. it I think hm would the grow sty part. that benefit you in some way yeah I like. that's I like watching porn like that. like where I'm like would this make me. puke like would I throw up on this dude. uh so I could now this is how I'm.

finding my target demo I'm just like if. you're. disfigured you want if you're disfigured. or you want to make me puke yeah come on. down to the funny bone at blah blah blah. Amy Sho me you crazy you so Craig we're. still doing commercials Believe It or. Not doesn't seem like it right the. that's the beautiful thing of the flow. that's the beautiful thing of the flow. of this this show yeah we're also. sponsored by onet.com o n niit t makers. of Alpha Brain the cognitive enhancing. supp.

that I show you right here look at that. vitamins for your Dome Amy Scher I pill. you're really doing it oh yeah yeah they. take them for real yeah it it gives you. like it's it's not like as uh prominent. as like say Aderall or something like. that but what it what it does is it it. enhances the way your brain functions. anybody's interested in it Google The. Google the word neut tropics that's the. best way to get information on it and. and try a bunch of different stuff out. before you ever even think about buying. Alpha Brain Research New Tropics get it. get involved in looking at what it is. it's there a bunch of studies about it.

you know a lot of them were done on. people with. Alzheimer's um you know people whose. brains weren't functioning so well. anymore and and it helped them various. uh companies have uh new Tropic formulas. don't necessarily go out and buy Alpha. Brain but I'm telling you that we use it. and it's awesome I I like it and if you. don't like it you you order it and it. doesn't work for you you don't even have. to return it you get 100% money back. guarantee we try to make it as easy as. possible for your first order can't I. have more than that because some people. stole it or something dragons came Brian.

what was the story again how' it Go the. dragons came it was a troll who came. over the the mountain with a battle axe. and came into town and took all the. Alpha Brain then put it on eBay or. something no no Joe you took my alpab. brain the other day and sold it on eBay. I noticed I didn't sell on eBay it's. right here yeah his his new thing is. that he just gives it to me and he. launders it and then sells it on eBay he. it's been him the whole time oh yeah man. that's my new the I'm make like three. bucks every time it's [ __ ] it's an. awesome deal.

um anyway we we also have um a bunch of. different cool supplements that are. available um all of them uh that I find. to be effective if I didn't think. they're effective I wouldn't promote. them 100% that's the truth get into it. check it out if you want to try. alphabrain go to Joe rogan.net click on. the alphabrain link enter in the code. name Rogan and you get 10% off all. orders not just the first one as many. orders in the future all right [ __ ]. Amy scher's here start the music now the. podcast officially begins Train by day.

Joe Rogan podcast by night all. day that's a very mild version of the. song there it's like you weren't trying. to hurt Amy Schumer's ears I was. protecting that was friendly version I. think that was I think that's exactly. what he's doing is that what you're. doing exact cuz you find her cute I. didn't want to startle her you love her. you love her already look at you're. already adjusting your behavior that's. respect that's some serious respect I'm. excited cuz usually it blows your. [ __ ] eardrums out and.

music and then he gets silly with the. Fade Out you know because he fades it. out there w wow wow wow and it'll go on. for like minutes but not with you with. you he's trying to be like really. unobtrusive and really sweet and look. I'm putting collages of pictures. together you're making him the best. you're making him the best Brian he can. be he's doing his. job shocked for real if it wasn't for. you here I think you you're making Brian. the best Brian he can possibly am I is. this the a better version of you Brian. for real no I I what if I bring out the.

best in you don't don't run away from. this he's trying to troll me right now y. I'm not trying to troll you women do do. that that's one of the things that he's. playing a practical joke on me right now. you know how guys this is going to sound. totally ridiculous but you know how guys. um will sometimes uh get divorced and. the woman will get half a guy's [ __ ] and. then people will say oh man that's. [ __ ] up you know that she never told a. joke or she never you know made one. point you know how the [ __ ] did she get. half his money but the combination of. people sometimes sometimes like a woman.

will come into your life and she's such. a badass [ __ ] and you want to impress. her so much you will be a better person. well I think the flip side of that is I. think what what chicks do uh not me no I. think the when you start dating somebody. like I'll just like I'm the I'm like. super cool new girl you know like let me. just sweep the crazy under the rug for a. couple months I'm like you don't need to. see this of course you don't need to. meet my mom who I'm becoming. and then uh you know the truth comes out.

eventually but I think you're like the. best version of yourself at first and. then you can't help but that's what I. always tell guys you should be the you. who you're pretending to be when you're. trying to get laid if you do that that. yeah stay that guy be that guy it is. possible to be that guy it's [ __ ]. hard yeah you can like decide and work. on it right be the you that you pretend. to be when you're trying to get laid. takes a lot of vitamin D or something. yes it definitely so low on D you got to. do squats yeah you got to do.

dead kle Bell son big [ __ ] heavy ones. 50 Pounders 70 Pounders you got to. really work the spine and the core all. that is part of it got to keep your core. engaged for sure yeah my inner core so I. think that Amy Schumer is like you're. Muse this is what I'm saying oh my God. you know that she's hilarious you know. that she's talented as [ __ ] so when. you're around her you've got like this. like crazy respect because you're also. physically attracted to her like there's. a lot going on here oh this is the best. don't you feel this don't you feel this.

Amy there's a lot going on here I loving. this Brian this is it's not bad BR Bri's. totally shaking his head Bri saying is. she makes you a better person I know. what is this shirt this cougar hunter F. the evidence is right there that shirt. is so ridiculous you know what I want to. do I want to get you pictures of you in. the woods near my house where the. mountain line is Let's Go Out near the. near my house cuz there's been four. Mountain line sightings yeah near my. house attacks or just sting no just. sightings you know the attack are. usually on dogs and a lot of rabbits get.

[ __ ] up and the occasional deer if. they catch a deer they'll basically [ __ ]. up anything but they try to avoid people. as much as possible so it's really weird. that they've seen four or at least one. four times in the course of it might be. the same one most likely I'm obsessed. you ever watch I survived yeah and the. mountain Li ones really [ __ ] me up they. just like they scalp you horrific. they're they're horrific they're so. dangerous people you don't even have any. idea of how strong they are you know. when you see one there was one U when I.

was in Colorado they had a stuffed one. like this they had this crazy uh. Wildlife exhibit place where uh there. there was this guy had taken care of. like all these different tigers that. were from zoos and all it was like a big. huge area filled with big cats but they. had a stuffed Mountain line and uh it it. was like 200 lb 150 200 lb but it's what. when you look at the dimensions that's. when it freaks you out you see the width. of its paws it's its wrist is like twice. the size of a man's they're enormous. wrists and then you look at the bones of.

the paws and you look at the [ __ ]. head all of it just designed to [ __ ]. [ __ ] up ruin you big imagine a cat as. big as a person this is essentially what. it is it's a big man but it's a cat 200. lb [ __ ] cat the one I saw and I. survived the the woman was trying to. save her husband and she was jamming a. pen into the mountain L's eye and it. wasn't even reacting it was just like my. God what yeah yeah Jesus [ __ ] Christ.

yeah you would have to Brick that thing. aren you scared like to be outside by. your house yeah a little bit Yeah Yeah. but I pack heat um you know what I do. when I go outside some times I go. outside to take a leak just to to put my. mark around the house I P that's not. weird that's not weird not weird at all. I do it in my underwear with a gun in my. underwear I just tuck tucked a gun in my. underwear see I just poop in little. coffee cans inside my house and then. they just put them around my y I feel. like we should have more secrets from. each other. let's start now and we'll just it'll.

just be SEC listen ladies and gentlemen. I don't really walk around my just I'm. just [ __ ] around but I did when I was. hiking to Colorado I did always used to. bring a gun just for that very reason. yeah just for the mountain line reason. most likely it never happens but [ __ ] if. it does happen wouldn't it be nice to be. able to shoot that [ __ ] those posters. that say like just make yourself bigger. yeah like this is going to you say it's. going to but you got to do something I. know listen you got to do something big. wild killer is looking at you I'm going. to throw my friend at the mountain line.

and I I'll go get help that's probably. good a good move say you're better at. playing dead then just push you're a. better. actor feel like you remember in South. Park when the [ __ ] actors had to save. the world how Bo it was like you can. save us you're an actor just push her in. there play like you're dead operation. human shield PR go [ __ ] oh while. Mountain Line's eating your. [ __ ] ouch Joe do you remember that. that thing we talked about a while back. where I said if you ever get attacked by.

a lion I would take like a piece of. paper and try to throw it like if it was. a real cat and you were like ah you're. stupid but somebody posted this amazing. documentary of this guy that and you've. actually seen it before where he gets. really close to like this these this. lion this male lion and this girl lion. and he's holding a p toilet paper roll. and the whole time he's just holding it. like in his right hand and then like the. cat starts coming up to him he's just. like like about to throw the toilet. paper roll and the cat just kind of like. looks over to the right and it like like. you're just like jerking off the cat.

right. now just kind of but no but then at one. point like he got really close and the. the the guy was like going to use that. to throw it in the opposite direction he. said that that would be like his only. chance to survive it was that little. toilet paper oh my God yeah and if I. could find the video I'll try to find if. anyone knows what I'm talking about so. his only chance to survive was to. distract him with toilet paper yeah we. have to watch this video I hope somebody. tweets me it cuz you'll freak out gu wow. cuz they've never seen anything like it. before it's because then their instincts.

yeah their instincts are still a cat. like where if you throw anything at a. cat you know it will be like what the. [ __ ] that we should kill all cats yeah. let's just eliminate them I love my cats. and everything but I know the only. reason why I love them is because of the. size difference you know I'm way bigger. than them she wanted to [ __ ] around if. she wanted to [ __ ] around try to kill me. I could snap her neck do you know what. I'm saying that's what makes you love. something well no that's why she loves. me like I'm big enough but if the roles. were revers my cat would eat me yeah. your cat sure cats I don't they're like.

abusive relationships they [ __ ] they. would totally eat when they need. something they're like hey it's me and. then when they they're like [ __ ] off. other than you can't have a cat and a. pet mouse you just can't have it do you. have you just can't have it a pet mouse. yeah no but I do have cats I have two. cats what are their names you don't need. to know my cat I'm interested this is. personal creepy [ __ ] you know you're. getting weird with me here's that video. myself a picture here's that video spaz. and Oliver names yeah. I'm not judging.

you this is as he faces the king of. beasts just an ordinary roll of toilet. paper oh my. God he throw it at its head and hope it. creates Aion so that it throw it at his. head and hope it creates a. diversion oh my God look at that thing. none of them have guns either J what's. the cameram doing look at this [ __ ]. lion look at the size of this thing I. don't know which thing you're talking it. gets intense oh my God it's intense now.

for the audio listeners there a bear. versus a lion a bear I. mean a big man with a. ponytail yeah you got some questionable. Life Choices when you got a ponytail. anyway it is a be vers oh my God oh my. God oh my God look at the size of this. thing it gets intense here for a second. watch Jesus Christ it doesn't even need. this creepy music like it's just intense. that is a a big killer a big wild killer. time the cat FS it tail around a sign.

that he views Mike as a potential danger. don't know he remains both threatening. and. defens I think I take my chances with oh. my God this is terrifying can you. imagine that look at the size of its. arms just look at that thing it's. beautiful it's horrifying at the same. time the the idea of that thing looking. at you this 600 lb [ __ ] monster that. just kills things every day I don't know. in Africa. Jesus [ __ ] Christ the second lion.

seems to have regained his courage what. second lion there's a second lion in the. back oh my. God oh my God this guy's alone with the. two of them why is this guy in Narnia. beyond the limit oh my God he is [ __ ]. up here yeah this is where he gets. [ __ ] up crazy right here that guy. doesn't seem scared is he just that cool. he's. sted yeah they put him on meds he's on. meds they just dropped him in a field. they're like good luck here's a ball of. paper look at that thing my.

God this is like a [ __ ] werewolf. movie oh my God oh my God oh my God oh. my. God this is. insane it's walking away oh my God and. then that is it oh my God I walked away. Jesus Christ that's terrifying that was. heavy but yes ter so my paper theory is.

totally legit. wower yeah like he never even threw it. red band paper Theory so if you're. getting attacked by a tiger get some. paper crinkle it in the ball and then it. right before it attacks you just get. like you're going to throw it it's um is. it the big the motion of it like you're. throwing something and it's big and. white and they don't know what the [ __ ]. it is I don't think it was that paper. [ __ ] I think it's just a hack into the. the brain of a a cat or a feline that. for some whatever reason they they they.

that crinkly noise that that that ball. that what's in your hand type thing it. doesn't know what it is so it's like it. just spazzes out like what the [ __ ] in. this we're so lucky cats are stupid as. [ __ ] we're so lucky the toilet paper. distracts them oh that was scary that. was one of those thing I mean even those. shitty blurry YouTube Style video it was. still absolutely terrifying there's got. to be an HD version of that out man man. versus wild Pride uh male lion and it's. uh off the uh what is it the Animal. Planet so so it's like an Animal Planet.

DVD that's available yeah man versus. what it says Man versus wild Pride I. don't know if that's Man versus wild. Pride Jesus Christ I want to know that. guy's deal like what was going on with. that dude like what was he's taking well. you know he's another one of those dudes. those wild I'm going to get close to. animal dudes that have been popping up a. lot lately we should really say rest in. peace if he is dead because he's. probably is that looks like an old video. and he's doing that kind of [ __ ] he's. probably not even alive anymore so that. guy looked like he was on his last leg. regardless yeah like I think I guess.

Steve Irwin sort of started that all off. you know cuz he was like real wild with. an animal the crocodile hunter dude he. would get like right up to him and you. know and what was the one with the the. black bear what was that movie oh. Grizzly Man Grizzly oh it a brown bear. it was yeah the brown bears are the big. ones the black bears aren't that. dangerous black bears are they they. don't really attack people as much or. kill people as much it's the bigger. bears are the brown bears yeah he was. that nutty dude who lived in Alaska and. they they said that he was essentially. death by bear I mean he he suicided.

himself he wanted to do that it was. suicide by bear he just stayed late. you're not supposed to be there the. bears that are awake are super dangerous. CU they can't kill anything so they're. not fat enough to hibernate you know and. so they'll they'll eat anything they eat. babies they were eating babies like he. caught the meeting babies and uh he's. still stuck around [ __ ] Yeah that poor. girl I always think of his girlfriend. that she died too right yeah absolutely. she died after she um help tried to help. him apparently the video is uh there was.

a a cap over the camera but the audio is. there of the the whole event and it's. like 6 minutes long [ __ ] the movie only. played like the the very beginning of. that right no they didn't play any of. the audio of the. attack yeah the the in the in the movie. his. ex-wife uh or his ex-girlfriend whatever. it is is listening to it she's listening. to the audio and she's the one who. decides her and W of herong the they the. guy who's director they decided not to. release it but it's a long audio too.

it's like Bears don't kill you they just. eat you and eventually you die it's a. completely different deal than a cat. you're way better off getting killed by. a cat yeah cat seems cats just cats kill. you well they kill you the first thing. they're going to do is grab a hold your. neck and they're going to kill you. that's their Instinct they're not. worried bar just hold you and start. eating God Jesus was there any proof. that the the wife of that bear dude. didn't have a penis right there was yes. she was a real woman she just was sad. you know some some women get just roped.

up with guys and they they can't find a. man so they find some guys doesn't want. to believe that he's gay so he's living. in the woods with bears and [ __ ] he was. a crazy obviously gay guy you know I. mean like as gay as you can get and I. think you know for some dudes the the. desire to stay in the closet is so. strong it leads them to be so [ __ ]. crazy they're willing to go live with. Grizzlies you know and he had this whole. thing how he was protecting I'm. protecting these Bears does the forest. Department want to help them no does the. Sheriff Department want to help them no. the wild wildlife you [ __ ] you you.

[ __ ] and he was like yelling. and screaming at the camera and pointing. at them and then he would like like like. reconstitute himself clean himself up. get back in and do it again and do like. another take on it he did like he should. have just taken a dick once lived his. life yeah probably I think that would. have certainly helped him I think he was. uh and he had this crazy thing where he. was like walking holding the camera. talking about if he was just gay if I. was just gay it would be so easy I could. just. yes yeah I could you know you go to a.

rest stop but oh well I'm not gay just. gay for Bears it was just it was the. most obvious I'm gay like Cry for Help. yeah it was really sad it is sad cuz. that's it's [ __ ] up that it's it's. [ __ ] up that dudes get stuck in that. closet situation man yeah you know. that's a terrible place to be to pretend. your whole life to be one thing when. really you could just say you're another. and everybody will still love you you. know it's like you don't have to like I. know I know dudes that are in the closet. today Tom B CH hey easy bro I thought we.

were going to talk about that on the air. oh no Brian such ack I knew how dare you. oh we'll edit it I think we're doing it. live on Ustream right now [ __ ] how. dare you bur and Tom [ __ ] oh yeah. they don't really [ __ ] they just start. to [ __ ] and they come prematurely all. over each other oh God never actually. becomes Burt and Tom [ __ ] they're so. hot for each other and the idea of them. [ __ ] is so hot they they never get it. inside each other there no penet they. come yeah they're trying to be less gay.

just so that they could have gay sex. they're so gay that they can't even. actually consummate no no they just they. just not about that they just start. twitching and coming all over themselves. it's so great to think. about I'm like picturing Bert's family. like what his family is totally down. don't worry everybody's cool they are. the coolest yeah but if you're a bir's. kid you got to know what the [ __ ] is up. you got to know there's some craziness. in the world chicks run the house yeah. they're ready for anything it's probably.

best for him that they run the house. could you imagine if he ran the house no. you know but it's crazy I could just. picture those girls making him dress up. for a tea party oh of course yeah I'm. sure he does all that stuff you have to. do all that stuff when you have kids bur. Cher he's he's another one of those. dudes that I think uh the internet is. perfect for you know like people get to. see the real see his body no and you get. to hear him like when he's on podcast. you know you get you get the total you. know when he's not stuck on like if he's.

if he's doing letter or something he's. always hilarious but he's stuck to like. seven minutes you can't get to really. know him you need the the bird. experience you need a two-hour bird CH. experience you know Amy Schumer how long. you been doing comedy seven and a half. years yeah mm you uh you did that. Charlie Sheen roast and that's when I. really uh that's when I found out about. you I'd heard your name before people. would say you're really funny I don't. want to blow your head up I don't want. CRA I'm in a bad place you know when. dudes would go uh you know guys always. every now and then someone will have. this conversation uh when you see like a.

really funny chick you know like oh. there's another one see cuz it's you. know how it is with chick comedy you. know with chick comedy there's like I'd. say dudes it's hard enough to do comedy. to be a dude but to be a woman just to. to get over the societal boundary of you. being the one talking I think it's way. more difficult for a woman I think it's. way more difficult for men especially. Meatheads and and insecure guys to. accept the fact a woman's on stage. talking yes and then your subject matter.

is obviously going to be more not I. wouldn't say more restrictive but it's. more difficult for you to get out. certain things especially sexual stuff. and you know and and and certain things. about judgments and and and politics. because people are reluctant to take the. opinion of a woman like a lot of people. are it's way harder I think for a chick. to to make it and be a standup so when. you see a bad [ __ ] come along. like yourself you know I always get I'm. always very impressed cuzz um I know.

that it's harder for a woman to do than. a man and when I heard you on that. Charlie Sheen roast I was like holy [ __ ]. this chick is [ __ ] funny you had some. really funny lines I was like oh [ __ ]. you know I generally like a lot of times. roast I go oh okay you're just being. mean yeah you know I get it you're being. mean to each other and sometimes it's. funny and sometimes it's just whoa this. is like some weird creepy [ __ ] that guys. been like storing about this dude where. is this coming from it's gross but the. way you did it was awesome and the. [ __ ] exchange you got in with Mike. Tyson can we play that can we play that.

oh my God I got we got to play that if. we can if we can find it if Brian can. find it he'll put it up because it was. so funny Mike Tyson was trying to go. back and forth with you and you just. handled him you handled Mike Tyson the. way Mike Tyson used to beat up boxers it. was really funny that was like when I. watched that that was like in retrospect. I was like Jesus you know I was like did. that just happen like I just like man he. just manhandled Mike Tyson in like in.

the white girl bubble enough still to be. like he won't he won't he's not going to. come over here like I'm I'm going to be. uh but it was like afterwards I was like. holy [ __ ] yeah you shouldn't assume that. you can take a joke I mean he's a way. calmer version of Mike Tyson than he was. back in his fighting days but what a. he's a scary guy it was still like yeah. there were some uncomfortable moments. still where he'd like pretend to be like. he was going to hit someone you're like. that's not funny anybody. you well they'll laugh at it that's the.

problem if he has like FES punches at. people people will laugh just out of. uncomfort yeah no one's going to be like. uh you know what uh Michael that makes. me uncomfortable he you're crossing a. line Michael you know you used to be a. professional fighter right I'd like to. talk about my boundaries he's like what. yeah you just have to be like oh that. was awesome I'm going to leave a couple. you got let him grab your dick you know. he grabbed my dick the whole night you. got to get do it you got to let him as. long as he's not squeezing it just you. know when he's squeezing it then you. might want to call the cops ball TI like. nothing thing but no but uh that was. like afterwards I was like I can't.

believe that just happened but he did a. great job I think he did even better. than what they made it look like I the. writers were all kind of sweating if he. was going to be able to deliver but I. thought he like nailed it yeah well what. did you think that he was going to be. able to do it you just thought well I I. didn't know the writers who had been. working with him were kind of like oh we. hope he was like the Wild Card like he. might just bug out and like say be. completely incoherent cuz they had like. a concept for him that he was going to. to speak really intelligently and spout.

poetry and you know and uh but he did a. great job well he used to that's what I. mean he was like a weird sort of a a. kind of almost like a ghetto philosopher. when he was a young guy because he would. like mess up words and stuff but he. would quote you all sorts of of crazy. things like he was a he's a scholar on. uh boxing history you know and when he. was a young guy he wasn't an. inarticulate guy you know I mean I don't. know how much has changed but there's an. inevitable decline in your ability to.

function after getting punched in the. head that many somebody's beating you in. the head yeah it's inevitable there's a. certain amount you know there's a. certain amount you and no one wants to. admit that or accept that but that that. is a fact yeah I kind of to be totally. honest I felt the only sort of remorse I. felt that night was was for him because. it was like he's for sure brain damaged. and it felt like you oh I think you. [ __ ] had to do what you had to do. girl I think you I don't crocodiles and. you poked them in the eyes and ran they.

they didn't see me uh coming yeah do do. you have you found it Brian they're a. bunch of fake ones yeah like like it's. just like like screenshots and stuff oh. has it been like copyrighted or. something comedy centr on it it's. probably on Comedy Central yeah why. would you want to have a bunch of people. watch it and see how funny those roasts. are yeah pull those clips down you [ __ ]. down you guys you ad X body spray get on. your site is it because they want to. sell more DVDs is that what it is yeah. they want you to subscribe to table.

stuff but they probably have them month. somewhere on their website deep under. commercial so there it's so archaic that. way of thinking it's so dumb they don't. understand that yeah the more people. that would watch those videos the more. people would watch those roasts it's. that simple if 100 million people watch. the video like oh my God this is awesome. and then another roast is coming on Boom. they're going to want to watch it right. it's just weird thinking that you don't. want anything good to be available for. free online you [ __ ] silly [ __ ]. how much do you spay spend in. advertising to have [ __ ] tide all.

over you know commercials all over. sitcoms and yet they're not willing to. let things be free online do you not. understand that's the same thing and. this one you don't have to pay for you. crazy [ __ ] all right here here is a. clip of uh it. so are you sure yeah where you turned. girls were just making out with each. other it was what what did you turn I. don't know what that is hold on that's. it's you having the other podcast going. on in the background that was Sam. tripley's voice that uh that hurts. everybody's feelings it doesn't hurts no. every week this happens it's impossible.

for him to not do this ran just be where. you are [ __ ] up everything's wonky no. matter what here he can't every audio. clip it's it's part of the charm of the. show got to accept it it's Perfection. and it's imperfection there you are hey. look at you nice dress what a sweet lady. one of the waitresses of the seller made. that really oh wow that's cool she's a a. dress maker no I'm asking I couldn't. understand a [ __ ] word he said. Mike Your Voice Sounds like a a girl.

crying every time you speak do you give. yourself an. erection sometimes I like the sometimes. hey Mike here's something you'll never. hear great. tattoo oh [ __ ] you have a [ __ ] lower. back tattoo on your. face oh my God. that men don't know whether to be scared. of it or finish on.

it oh my. God look at that phas it's so it's so. dark and wrinkly and constantly getting. pounded it's like patrice's. grandmother's [ __ ] after a Gospel. Brunch I'm just assuming she raised. you oh [ __ ] y patrice's face oh [ __ ] oh. [ __ ] does that make you feel bad now. that Patrice is dead no no he was proud. of me he he was my he was my good friend.

I I love Patrice and I wanted hilarious. I wanted him to think I did a good job. and and I know he did we hung out uh. like at the after party and he I was. like he was proud of me oh you know you. did a good job yeah but I wanted Patrice. to you know like it doesn't matter what. whatever Patrice when I heard he was. going to be on the day I was like oh. [ __ ] that like kicked me into the next. gear I was like I want oh that's cool oh. I yeah he's one of my favorite Comics I. was like [ __ ] I can't phone in even a. second he'll be like he'll call [ __ ]. yeah he'll call [ __ ] on everything.

and anything yeah he was fun he was fun. yeah it's just but no I didn't feel bad. about anything about anything but that. uh that that [ __ ] launched you right. that Comedy Central thing I get. recognized at airports and I got a. corporate gig like I mean you know that. must mean you must be getting a lot more. standup work now no I'm getting more on. the road I probably make like maybe. twice what I was making on the road. before but oh that's great right away. totally toally how crazy is that look at. that one video isn't it amazing it still.

doesn't seem worth it no I mean not the. roast but I mean I mean but just being. on the road like um you don't like it no. oh you know what you got to do yeah you. bring your friends that's what I'm doing. now I I bring uh arri shafir or Joey. Diaz or sounds terrible my friends just. kidding I love I love Ari yeah know it. makes such a difference oh it's it's the. it's a night and day it goes from being. a chore to being a great but what I also. realized I've always stayed in the. shittiest hotels you know but now now.

saying nice hotel the road is a whole. different experience it was like you. didn't want to touch the sheets and I. paired with some [ __ ] that thought. they be headlining the comedy cond just. say no to condos like that's the only. time I use that I'm a girl on the road. they had you paired in hotel rooms I had. I've seay in comedy condos not not hotel. rooms but in comedy condos where they. don't have doors on the rooms with with. dudes yeah like I I put in my time on. the road nobody can say I are dark days.

did you ever do la Hoya Comedy Store no. that's the darkest condo on the earth oh. I've heard of that condo more. uncomfortable post qual moments have. occurred that you you walk in you feel. the uncomfort of of Road stank no you. know of Road hacks and whatever poor. lonely [ __ ] allows those Road hacks to. stick their dick inside of them and. crabs Nest oh Jesus never again I can. say never again no comedy condos that's.

the dark yeah I bring my friend I bring. my friend with me now the next one is. Phoenix Phoenix was a dark one too the. temp temp improv okay that was Joey. Diaz's haunt back in the dark days of. Joey Diaz he would pull the [ __ ]. Shades clothes you wouldn't even hear. him you couldn't call him he wouldn't. answer his pager there was nothing going. on with Joey Diaz for hours come out to. do the show look like a vampire looking. like Bella laosi Jesus I've been Furious. I I've been in condos where I heard the. feature act getting [ __ ] and I was.

laying there you were getting [ __ ] and. you were sleep I was I was like trying. to sleep oh you you heard him I'm sorry. like reading you heard him getting. [ __ ] while you're getting a guy or a. girl guy gu never comp two girl [ __ ]. girl a guy was [ __ ] the feature was. [ __ ] uh like a girl oh one of the. waitresses to be specific really were. they allowed oh think were they allowed. I was like yeah I I gave them my. blessing enjoy you guys um um go for it. hey did you guys like my new opener oh. never mind uh yeah it was awful and then.

um was it loud it was it was loud I felt. like it was his way of saying like I'm. the headliner really that's hilarious. you felt like that I did I mean that. could have all been women are so funny. like even just a guy getting laid will. be like a message I felt like he was. sending me a message imag he was just. trying to get laid that is the why would. you assume that the thing that men want. more than anything else in life is to. get laid why would you assume that him. getting laid would be anything other I. think male Comics egos are bigger than.

like their [ __ ] for sure for sure so I. think it would be more this waitress no. one under any circumstances would have. wanted to bang this girl oh I think it. would be more like hey I'm being loud. because I want you to know that if you. want to join us you can could be a. little of that second of all um you you. say that but the guy was [ __ ] her and. I'm sure he wasn't the first see even. though no she was not a virgin yeah even. though like you would say girls like not. really pretty just willing for a lot of. guys better than masturbation we're.

pathetic pathetic creatures I don't know. oh yeah you don't understand what it's. like to have a dick I don't you know. talk to um talk to Chaz Bono cuz she's. starting to make sense now give that. lady a ring shooting her up with. testosterone she's totally making sense. these days yeah she could like really. talk about that [ __ ] now it's. fascinating because she really has gone. from b extents or he now you know I mean. talking about like what's what's. annoying and and and then the sexual. urges that come on because of. testosterone yeah men go blank they get.

sad they don't they don't know what's. going on gu but I don't know like I've. dated guys and I've been the one in a. couple relationships where I was always. initiating sex you know I feel like I. feel supercharged on my own yeah I don't. have a dick so I'm not like it's not. brushing up against stuff by accident. and I'm getting psyched but uh but I. don't know I uh I don't know I feel. driven by sex too you think you're. driven by success like to get sex no no. no I'm not driven by success I feel like.

sexually driven like a lot of the time. right what I was saying is that if a guy. like is is getting laid most likely. that's he's just getting laid like aam's. razor you would you know but you would. think that they were trying to send a. message to. you I'm not that much of a narcissist. saying I'm the I think he was being loud. he was like very everything he did that. weekend was really annoying like he was. trying to he would like take his coffee. on stage and do a lot of crowd work and.

just and then he'd be like stick around. you're going to enjoy Amy like it was. like so annoying that I I don't know I. thought that was what is wrong with with. with those things doing a lot of crowd. work like when you're not the headliner. oh I'm I thought you said he was the. headliner no I was the headliner oh I. was confused cuz I thought you were. saying by him being loud it was his way. of saying I'm the headliner no like he. was saying like I should be headlining. oh I feel like he was like trying to Al. total miscommunication yeah oh I would.

see that I could totally see how like. middle ax would have a real yeah I was I. was there headlining and he was all. weekend trying to assert himself like in. The Green Room changing the channel and. [ __ ] and I like please totally makes. sense like I don't have the energy. totally makes sense I'm just like you. know you're just like trying to feel. good and be positive and whatever on the. road and then so he would like try to. put on the TV what he wanted to watch. like when you were watching something. else yeah he'd be like Big B some. baseball game I was just like oh really. yeah and I don't want to get into like a. yeah into like an ego battle Yeah but I.

[ __ ]. will dudes don't like working for women. that's for sure you know and especially. like egocentric I try to be sens to that. [ __ ] though you know I just want to be. treated like you would treat but I I. definitely get treated differently uh. expectation wise on the road but like. because I'm a girl they'll think there's. some expectation like not necessarily. that I'm gonna hook up with them but. that I'm a girl so they'll like come in. The Green Room like this past weekend. this guy was talking to me like uh just.

letting me know like hi I'm from here. and and I was like M like what would you. do that to a tell would you do like. would you come in the green room and try. and uh like paint your picture and give. me your bio and he was like how is he. doing this so you feel like when a guy. does this he does this like he doesn't. like respect you as much as he would a. male comic like I would like to be. treated like a comic like you would. treat the headline and comic while I'm. on the road right um but they treat me.

like a like a girl and and guys are. confused like how they usually are with. chicks that's what how they treat me but. I think I should first be treated like. um the headliner that weekend just. speaking to me like I'm working with you. rather than like throwing me any [ __ ]. and you're not even trying to like. dominate them you just don't want them. trying to dominate you you don't want. them just getting weird with you yeah I. just want them to treat me like normally. and like they would treat any comedian. CU there's some Comics who like won't. even share a green room with with the.

the the middle and the opening act like. they'll it might get to that point just. because of how much like [ __ ] we've. had problems in the past with guys that. we didn't know when we did that Maxim. Comedy Tour I remember we kicked that. guy out in Boston there was a guy like. just super douchy talking [ __ ] about. everybody while they're on stage talking. [ __ ] about me got really really drunk he. was just a creepy [ __ ] and he was uh. you know what we did we had like an I. don't remember what town was it I'm. saying Boston but it might not have been.

Boston seems like it would be yeah it. adds up um it might not have been though. I don't remember because I I don't. remember the guy's name but it was uh. one of those things where there was in. each town they had a different opener uh. a local guy would come up and most of. them were [ __ ] really good Tom saguro. was hilarious that's where I met Tom he. he uh opened up in Phoenix anyway this. dude just got hammered and it was just. and I said to Brian I think I said to. you I said this is the last time I'm. going working with somebody I don't know. it's not worth it you should just bring. some much bring two friends to I'm I'm.

not rolling like that it's I can't pay. for two people's hotel rooms but it's. like the club you know you can work out. deals with clubs you know especially Amy. you need a goddamn podcast that's what. you need yeah you do that's what you. need this is the the number one. promotional tool for a standup comic. because they're really going to get to. know you how else besides this kind of. format how the [ __ ] else is anybody get. to totally get to know you exactly um I. just want I think I just want people to. get to know me that I want to get to.

know me really but what about your. standup my standup is becoming more and. more me but it's just sort of an. amplified version that whatever truth I. want to get out there so no you're I. mean that's not true you're you're right. like I I do you do TV shows and stuff. right you do like and that's sort of to. promote the comedy as well right yeah. yeah yeah yeah so but but in terms of. people really knowing me and like my. personal [ __ ] no they don't have to know. your personal [ __ ] you reveal what you. want to I know what you talk about. like weird National inquir type [ __ ].

like get into your personal life or if. you're one of those weird people that. offers up every little single detail. your yeah no I I understand what what. you were saying yeah that that would. make sense I I feel like really. intimidated by the like all this. technology [ __ ] here and like I don't. even know how I would the first step of. starting a podcast just talk to that guy. I don't want to ever see Brian again. sorry um are you living in New York City. yeah how often are you in La um almost. never oh really you need to move to LA. you gonna move out here check this out.

75 degrees weather 75 degrees what's up. space a yard you want a yard and dogs. and puppies I you know what if I like. had a dude that I loved and like we had. a rabbit farm and I'm hearing Blue by. you by Olivia Newton John or Linda ronat. whatever um that's what I'm hearing in. the background why you telling me that I. don't know those songs but uh that you. don't know Linda Ron I know Lind no I. don't know Blue by You Beautiful song. well yeah I just I would live here if I.

a find Linda Ron at Blue by you for her. cuz I want to hear the story I want to. hear you're you're going to belittle my. dreams right now no I'm not going to. belittle your dreams I just want a. little background music to your dreams. this is so cold blooded do you have it. Brian yeah just hit it real. quick and I want you to tell me you're a. horrible person I want you to tell me. what the right relationship with be all. right that would make you want to Brian.

don't [ __ ] with it man stop Brian please. don't [ __ ] with my dreams right now look. at this is a beautiful voice and but. it's a little sad since I left my baby. behind oh I know this song it's so sad. it's very sad so tell me I just want a. guy who listens and has a huge. Rod knows when to tell me to shut the. [ __ ] up yeah and when to tell me that my. mom's a [ __ ] so far I like what you're.

saying can you get that camera out of my. face are you. insane Brian [ __ ] oh this is so sad this. is so. sad blue oh my God wait I thought it was. like Blue by you like blue like okay. okay I thought you were saying Blue by. you uh yeah I don't I don't want to do. this anymore you want to do this anymore. yeah it's dark it's dark that is so sad. what is. the what's the longest time you've ever.

stayed in Los Angeles a couple months. yeah yeah I like coming out here for a. couple months like if I've I'm working. on something but do you find that it's. because your friends are all back east. or is all my friends moved here oh they. did I don't have any friends in New York. really get the [ __ ] out of New York. what's wrong with you well I have like. two friends but that's what is it that. you love so much about New York I don't. okay I think Pizza pies is that what I. sound like bro Brian really yeah. Brian [ __ ] sound anything like her.

you might be the worst impressionist to. ever walk the face of the Earth from. will oh I'm. Bri dude I'm telling you I'm the next. Frank Kelly Endo listen to my Amy. Schumer it's [ __ ] on point oh my God. it's like hearing myself um I uh [ __ ]. State build man so what is it excuse me. Brian don't mock her our wonderful and. talented guest because she's clearly. clearly too much for you to handle you. at the beginning of the show she was.

making you a better person you've gone. through a full relationship cycle and. now you've become the bitter guy at the. end of every relationship that mocks his. girlfriend as she's packing her [ __ ] I. just don't get New York I'm sorry I just. don't get i i i seems like the scary to. me that moment in a relationship where. you're packing up and he's mocking you. you know he's like saying like mocking. [ __ ] you know. as [ __ ] out would you well this is. happening right now this is that moment. you've gone a full relationship cycle on. the course yeah Brian's like oh okay. you're leaving okay he's like yeah well. I just have a [ __ ] problem with.

people like New York you know that's all. in the beginning in the beginning when. he first met you if you were like I I. really love New York New York's pretty. amazing Time Square how do you [ __ ] with. that now he's like totally over me he's. like [ __ ] New York whatever [ __ ] you. whatever you guys have gone through a. full relationship cycle Brian God damn. let the girl like New York bro I don't. see why so creepy about that yeah like I. like it there you know I because I feel. like people in La a lot of them are.

playing at an. identity uh whereas people in New York. like if if there's like an old rich mean. Jewish chick on the Upper East Side like. that's really who she is right people. here are like buy an outfit and they're. like this is who like right you know not. everybody my best friends live out here. uh and they're not like that but I don't. know I know what you're saying the vast. majority of people people that you. encounter the higher percentage of them. are more [ __ ] up out yeah and I'm like.

Angry going into any restaurant like. everyone's looking around and everybody. it's just a totally different vibe it's. I don't think it's all of the people. it's just like look you know when I say. about cops like most cops are cool as. [ __ ] I the the cops that I run into most. cops are good guys that are you know. working a really tough job but there's a. certain percentage whatever it is one or. 2% 10% you you make the number up where. they're just [ __ ] [ __ ] they're just. [ __ ] but they would be [ __ ] if they. were construction workers they would be. [ __ ] if they worked at the grocery. store they're just shitty human beings.

but don't you think the percentage for. La is well it's because of the fact that. this is a a magnet for people that want. Showbiz Fame yeah that's what it is I. mean you know how many people that come. here with a not a real dream but like oh. I wish you know and they it's like they. don't do anything about it right but. they came here initially to become. famous you you'll meet them at flower. stores you'll meet them and there's. there's weird people like I don't like. those people and I and I I have like a. weird um my like what I want from this.

stuff is I'm confused by it because. getting recognized and all that stuff is. not I I haven't experienced it as being. fun I like I've gotten upgraded sometime. you know like there's perks but I like. anonymity in New York no one gives a. [ __ ] if you are the most famous person I. feel like you can ride around the subway. and people generally leave you alone um. I just cuz nobody gives a [ __ ] there I. don't know I just like it more there so. you think people give a [ __ ] there less.

than they give a [ __ ] here that's uh I. do so that's what you want more people. just don't give a [ __ ] about being. famous yeah or about seeing someone. famous or and it's weird because it's. like I want to reach as many people as I. can like that's the goal but I don't. like um like I don't like hey you're I I. don't like right I see what you're. saying but you're going to get that. anywhere you're going to get that in New. York City you're going to get that. anywhere it if you become I hear what. you're saying well if you if you've. lived there for a long time and the one. thing that I definitely got when I first. came here I was going to totally move. back to New York after uh my first.

sitcom was canceled because I didn't. like the vibe out here at all and I was. this was my first time ever working with. actors ever in my whole life I did this. really bad sitcom on Fox called Hardball. was written by these two guys that were. brilliant writers they worked for The. Simpsons and married with children but. then Fox got a hold of their sitcom and. just [ __ ] it just stuck [ __ ] in it. and just [ __ ] came all over it face. shut up [ __ ] it eye sockets [ __ ] its. ears just really just it was like when.

the the the the brilliant Vision that. they had yeah Jeff Martin and Kevin Kern. were the guys uh the brilliant Vision. that they had became like a just this. thing that had been [ __ ] to death was. covered in C like a glazed donut Fu. sodomized I always tell everybody this. is because no one can believe how bad it. was these guys first of all the the guys. who originally wrote it were really. funny they were really funny guys and. the pilot was funny it could have been. funny it could have been a a decent show. but when they gave it to some guy who. used to work on um coach and he was like.

you know one of those and then I said. this what you know those [ __ ] robot. shows where it's like you could just. progr into a computer yeah and it would. be real easy to make that show and one. of the lines was I was on a desk with. this girl and like we're about to have. sex and the the the coach opens up the. door and uh uh I go do you mind and he. goes yes I mind that's no that's my uh.

daughter you're attempting to that's my. desk you're attempting to defile yeah. that's what he says and and I say I'm. not defiling the desk I'm defiling her. that was actually only a line and they. were like approved that was like yes. done moving on to the next line that was. we actually said that with the cameras. on you know that's how bad the show had. gotten it was it was death so I had I. was ready to pack up but I [ __ ] up and. got a lease cuz I thought this sitcom. was going to go yeah so I had a lease. for a year and I still had a department.

in New York but I was like what the [ __ ]. am I going to do now I just like leave. this spot out here and then I W up doing. another sitcom afterwards but I was. ready to go and it was my my thing was. just dealing with actors it was just. dealing with the they're so delusional I. really like New York actors well all of. them though uh you know I mean I'm sure. if you it's like like cops and. everything else most actors I think are. fine but it might be like 30% of them. that you just [ __ ] can't communicate.

with stach but I've found that it was. the same essentially in New York as it. was in LA I just think just feels so out. well they're they're hitting the hive. the way girls dress for auditions is. different like I always look like [ __ ] I. look like newly homeless I walk in the. room they like are looking at me like is. she here to park cars and they're all. like perfectly Flawless they dress cool. and I get to be like non-threatening. girl they all talk to in in the waiting. room uh but in New York it's like I look. like the other threatening girl that.

they all talk to in the like do you know. where if everyone asks me questions like. do you know where the bathroom is I. think they think I'm working there the. level of like kept Beauty up here is. very very high like when you go to nice. places and you see girls and they all. have perfect toes and expensive shoes. and expensive bags they look famous glow. them yeah there's a lot of girls in La. that are hot as [ __ ] that look like that. like that and that's one of the things. about the commodity of like you know if. you're all you're selling is what you. look like good [ __ ] luck good luck.

out here cuz that's worth the niess what. and we age yeah yeah it's you got 10. years ready chicken sweetheart you. better uh better all you're selling meet. that guy that's why it's Theo your huh. have you frozen your eggs yet yeah my. eggs are Frozen all of them not all of. them you got to save a few really for. live rounds oh it's too late I'll Tha. them out but just the idea is that in. case you know you wait too long and then. your box is dry yeah you know this way. way you'll have you can't just Lube up. your eggs what's no there's no eggs left. they all fall out they fall out of your.

body so you got to suck them out early. and freeze them suck out that hold on. let me write this down you guys did you. know there reproductive advice from Joe. and bride do you know there girl. technical terms like suck out those EG. out the eggs do you know girls out here. actually store their body fat also uh to. be used later as injections in their. face yeah for does that look good like. everyone every why does everybody doing. stop don't do anything with your lips. ever yeah it's unfortunate that someone. tricked girls into [ __ ] with their.

lips the same way they did with their. tits because the tits worked cuz guys. really don't care when a guy when a girl. has fake tits like even though we know. that there's like a a bag of water under. the skin that's making them pop out like. that we're so [ __ ] stupid that any. any movement and change in the direction. of your tits like yeah I like this shape. better it's like a Egyptian hieroglyph. thing it's like for whatever it is it's. the shape of the woman's body even. though you know it'sit but that is out. the door with the lips when it comes to. the lips though we don't like that you.

can't apply the same principles to tits. as you can to lips and that's what they. tried to do they tried to make the lips. crazy and puffed up thinking everybody's. just going to go with it the way they go. with tits but they didn't they went whoa. whoa whoa whoa whoa this is lips you. can't do lips the way you do tits you. can do tits all crazy and outrageous and. guys's like y what's up ladies how you. doing but you get all fish face on dudes. and they get creeped out right there's. something about the lips. yeah I saw a chick at the gym the other. day she was blow drying her hair she was. like not elderly but she's getting up.

there and she clearly had implants and. they were they had like the you know the. elasticity of her skin wasn't holding up. so the implants had kind of fallen so. her nipples were up top and her rocks in. a sock I was just I could I couldn't. stop looking I was just like and she was. just blow drying her hair like naked. like oh Che out snap maybe it was her. way of warning maybe maybe this girls. who just like to take on rug lesbians. and it's like a like a fat and the only. way to find them is you just got to let. those rocks hang out in in the bathroom.

yeah just a girl just looks like she's. had a hard life and [ __ ] she's you. know me that's like a there's guys. there's fetishes people are into weird. [ __ ] true maybe there's some lesbians. that are only into running into girls. that have had hard lives and so they're. like you know their tits are all hang. out [ __ ] up scars and [ __ ] they look. at you like what's up and the next thing. you you you're eating box in the. handicap stall you're eating somebody's. [ __ ] with no arms okay not it's not no. arms but like horrible implants like. rock implants I just I don't know I.

wouldn't want anything fake on anybody. yeah it is a weird thing that that not. just became accepted but [ __ ] shut up. yeah but I've seen girls that have got. them like they they um they had babies. and then their boobies got all. dehydrated you know they like became. pancake boobies and then they got their. breast implants and they felt better. okay yeah I mean whatever it's it's no. judgments it's just like but it does. make it look better I even it's it's. stupid it doesn't seem like it should. make sense but it totally works it's a. trick it's like the dumbest magic trick.

of all time it's a mirage ready what's. under my shirt. nose I know what's under there it's a. bag of water you [ __ ] water but. meanwhile I'm like oh I look like big. real titties cuz big real titties to a. man just that that the the shape of it. that is on a mud flap you know gets our. testicles to tingle doesn't have to be. actually real it's like a symbol it's so. it's so iconic and the man's mind this. is how this is the man's mind this isn't. just your mind like from talking to. people like guys like first by the way.

first of all there's no way I could know. if it's in everybody's but I wonder but. it sounds like you talk to other people. about it it seems like for dud well I. think that's why fake tits work that's. that's why I mean that shape The. Hourglass shape of a woman there's a. reason why that is like an iconic shape. The Hourglass shape whereas like for a. man I mean women like guys with nice. bodies but is there there's no like. shape that you could like put up that. represents a man's body to a woman I. think every woman is really is a. different taste in men men's bodies but. I think for dudes it's pretty much all.

that classic hourglass big tits shape. that's on the back some like wafs though. they those guys are broken they're. broken they have they have broken balls. or one of them doesn't work right one of. them I want to hear that of course like. the chick that was that's on Sports. Illustrated like I love her body and is. that Kate up Kate Upton is a hero on our. message board I'm she has a body it's. like she's asck whenever there's a. thread on the message board for one of. our podcast if the podcast goes astray.

and the subject of the podcast becomes. something that they're not interested in. at all they just start posting Kate. Upton pictures that's smart it's all. Kate Upton it's hilarious man it's. really funny so if like a guest like. says something stupid or they don't want. to listen to them anymore it just. becomes a Kate up photo Festival [ __ ]. well she is and she has like a you know. she's not like like a boy she's got meat. I I don't like skinny girls I mean I. like them I'm we could be friends but. I'm saying you know I I don't find that.

attractive right but everybody's. different some chicks like black guys. right right a lot of black guys like fat. white girls right lot a lot of lot of. white guys like Chinese girls. everybody's allowed to what you're. allowed to like your waves like whatever. you want I saw something today that. reminded me of one thing I definitely. don't like and that's flat asses man. flat man ass would you see what I think. you saw I saw somebody stalking. something at a store that I that and I. was like I just sat there and saw her. butt like a Linens and things did you. see someone who was on their balcony who.

was naked who Paparazzi took photographs. of no okay because that's ariani from. the uh UFC Paparazzi took photographs of. her yeah they were on her balcony she. was on her balcony naked and uh they. were like you know from a long way away. with a high powerered lens and they took. pictures of her naked and put them all. over the Internet are you serious that. sucks yeah what made you what's wrong. why how did that come up because some. guys were saying that she had oh Her. Butt Talks were less than impressive. she's a beautiful girl but you know look.

guys have to realize there's a big. difference between what a girl's ass. normally looks like and a girl's ass. looks like when she's posing for photos. right when chicks are just walking. around like dudes like naked they don't. even know the people are watching you. know they don't I don't know I think. your pucker their ass out her ass is. fine this was actually imagine a a. 12-year-old boy's ass who. this this person that was uh stalking. something at the store was at and her I. just had to sit there and stare you this.

person listen to what you just said this. person that was stalking something at. the store what are you what are you. saying uh her I I thought it was a young. boy stalking it that's how bad her ass. was so I sat there and just kept on. Staring at there was no ass at all like. you know you who are you talking about. just a woman random woman she's just. like trying to bring you your latte who. is this who you talking this chick at. Starbucks no he's talking about someone. who's in the audience someone is buying. something at Starbucks no no I'm talking. about an employee stalking something. employe Jesus Christ oh Jesus Brian I've.

said it four times no you said stocking. I thought you said stalking you knew. what I meant I didn't know you meant. stalking items like on a shelf I'm like. what is he talking about the employee. was stalking someone what the [ __ ] and. you're watching him stalk them and they. have a flat ass like what kind of crazy. conversation is that there's no excuse. that was it was like one of those. Spanish things where you you say the. wrong word and they want to shoot you no. no bro does that happen a lot no but if. you know what I'm saying you think you. know the language but you use the word.

incorrectly yeah this led to one of. those those [ __ ] yeah that was like. ab and Castell it was it was who's on. first who's on first you got to stop. going start so this person has a small. ass yeah it it was it was not only was. it flat it was like one of those. indented asses but it was so small. you're mad you're mad at this chick's. ass well that that right there I I I I. don't know if I could date her because. to me it looks like de formation like I. see her and I'm like this would hurt me. less if I haven't seen your ass but I've.

seen your ass oh my ass oh my ass is. horrible you have a Terri Everyone's a. Critic no matter what their ass looks. like his ass is horrific yeah there's no. way he should be talking about anybody's. ass ever well maybe that's why he's so. upset because he it's something that he. sees in himself yeah it's something that. sees it's like a mirror it's like Man in. the Mirror Michael Jackson I'm looking. at. the that's it that is what it is Brian. you just we learned a lot about. ourselves today somewhere actually I've. been I've been told by many of my. ex-girlfriends I move here and do our.

podcast on a permanent basis please yeah. you should we you live in this studio we. can make you famous for real okay you're. a monster you're hilarious thank you I'm. going to move here you guys you were. throwing it out you were throwing it out. as a hypothetical I'm going to show up. tomorrow with my bag that's fine I'm not. throwing it out as a hypothetical Rich. papers we'll have you on every week you. got a couch you got a bathroom for. number ones you can number think they. let me do guest spots at the ice house. every day I think you know what every. radio show that's ever existed they. always try to stick a woman on the show.

they go oh we need to balance it out. we're going to balance it out and men. men resisted like op and Anthony called. them holes like that's like radio holes. those guys are awesome they're right. they're right but you are different you. you actually would bring a funny female. perspective to a podcast you should. totally be doing one thank you welcome I. know you know I know what you mean. though it's like they they're like okay. let's find the least unbearable girl and. hope she knows when to not talk well. it's usually she's hot and you know. she's sassy you know she can hang with. the guys yeah and we can call and we can.

call it your stepmom's. house is that like an inside joke yeah. Tom sigar and his wife they have one. called your mom's house a joke totally a. joke yeah he just guys include me. include me in all jokes from now on so. sorry uh okay all right I'm going to. move out here all right I'm moving out. here you guys you are. yeah that's all it took that's all it. took listen you don't want to be in sow. cold weather and [ __ ] you could always.

medical Marana oh that's right marijuana. and you can have your own podcast show. have I what have you been in the stores. yet I've never been into the store I. we're going to take you right after we. leave here we're going to take you right. into a medical marijuana store really. yes I'd love to yes that's what we're. going to do as soon as we leave here. we're going to take you right I like. this pop by the way dude this is we know. the guy who makes this you don't even. have to worry about terrorism we know. the guy actually grows it you can't say. maybe my weed is supp Mexican gangs. maybe my weed is supp ter we don't have.

to worry about this weed because this. weed is 100% not created by bad people. good oh. look thank you you guys are such good. host am I supposed to do it off camera. all you I'll put it on my face if you if. you do it on camera though it's really. bad for your career wow thank. you what what was it Amy Schumer do you. want to join the death squad uh that. sounds good okay all right so your.

stepmom's house is going to be you and. Natasha lero now just. K that's another inside joke our friend. Duncan used to date Natasha lero and. then they broke I love her I don't know. you love him more though I don't know. don't you know what I'm saying he's a. fre I don't know him but if he could pay. my bills I don't I bet he can help you. you know he can help you little get me. AE cuz I you get AE I'm. willing I just heard Natasha on Adam. Cora it was really funny she's she's.

very funny and glad that Duncan and her. are are cool with each other so don't. feel like you have to pick team dun. friends right away like they're going to. be friends totally do that I think it's. great to not they're both adults you. [ __ ] child very intelligent no but if. you still have feelings for somebody you. don't want problem is you want to [ __ ]. them again yeah you want to [ __ ] them. again so just don't see them especially. when you haven't seen them in a while. yeah. becomes a bra BB God damn. it yeah you know what the human body is. a strange [ __ ] thing you know when.

you when you had moments with someone. and then all of a sudden you're in front. of them again and especially when no. one's around you know if you like you. know you you uh just for whatever. strange reason just run to them. somewhere and all a sudden you're. standing face to face and you want to. give them a hug and so then you do and. then you got to think now what's up we. broke up for a reason but the chemicals. in your body are like why does my. something in your body get in there get. in there remember when we used you yeah. your penis starts going we used a [ __ ].

right hey we can do it again I remember. this it was fun right I thought it was. fun too Bri and then if you just keep. keep doing that over and over again. you'll never get out of relationships. yeah so my thing is don't talk don't be. at the same place I've had buddies that. would break up with the same girl six. seven times because they will always get. together and [ __ ] [ __ ] so and they. just CU it feels like home and you're. like happy to not be [ __ ] a stranger. on the road happy not be [ __ ] The. Stranger and then on top of it it's well. it's not even that it's this weird thing. that happens when you break up and then. you make up like the makeup is like it's.

really intense especially if you're. convinced that you're never going to. make up like if you've insulted each. other or said crazy [ __ ] to each other. you know and then people get in like. patterns like and you could recognize. those patterns when you start dating. someone because they'll try to pull that. [ __ ] on you you know they'll like insult. you and they'll say something creepy to. you and you're like whoa what the [ __ ]. is this it came out of nowhere well came. out of nowhere cuz that's just how they. rock it like every Rel every. relationship they get in it's like. starts off real good get real close to. each other and then get [ __ ] nasty.

with each other and then recover and. then and then recover and I only had one. relationship where we got nasty to each. other since then it's been like pretty. smooth sailing in and out that is the. worst there's no darker feeling than. someone who you used to like tell I love. you and you used to make out with them. and you used to you know you you have. sex with them and then all a sudden. you're like yelling at each other in. Angry Words and they're saying in. insulting [ __ ] to you you can't take. back you're like w I only had one like. that it's been it's been okay since then.

I I don't I refuse to participate in. that [ __ ] no I haven't had a. relationship like that since I was in my. 20s and when I when it the last one that. did happen I I clearly remember like. saying all right this is never going to. happen again I can never allow myself to. get in this sort of a situation where. every time I'm around this person. there's some sort of like argument or. debate or jocking for position you know. there's a weird jockeying of power. sometimes that goes on in some. combinations of relationships you know.

it's like you maybe you your your. confidence triggers the weirdest parts. of some guy you know have you ever had. that happen where like the guy is. probably pretty cool with a lot of. people but then he gets around like I. think I got to think like you being a. comic and being smart and quick like. those two that's that must be like. issues with some dudes um guys who. aren't Comics have you do you date guys. who aren Comics I've only dated one. comic really yeah I've too [ __ ] up huh. Comics are too [ __ ] up no I I was.

saying to Brian like I I don't make. statements like that like I'd love to. think like I'll never date a comic again. I don't know I don't know it's like it's. nice to be with somebody who speaks your. language that that does help but but do. you want to date someone as [ __ ] up as. you really I don't think I've met. somebody [ __ ] up it just seems like it. seems like you always have to follow you. [ __ ] with somebody you work with you're. going to pay in the end you know with. comics comedy clubs is like working at a. place and it's like you're doing your. you know you're on stage doing your [ __ ]. and you're like kind of doing your not.

persona but whatever like the [ __ ] you. do on stage and then but then like. seeing somebody that makes you so. vulnerable and you can't you can't like. you know in good conscious keep up that. facade when you're. like you know you just want to go home. and cry damn sucks I've only dated one. like abusive crazy crazy [ __ ] and. yeah I really I was like I'll never do. this again I never did but we brought. out the wor black guy I'm I'm yet to I'm. yet to go to the dark side that's my New. Year's resolution though I feel like I I.

hope that I [ __ ] a black guy this year. happen a couple good. guys un professional but it's just like. I don't know I feel racist that I've. never been with a black guy like why I I. asked my therapist I'm like does that. make me racist and she's like no but I. think she was just trying to make me. feel there's this guy that Joe wants you. to hook you up his name is Rampage he's. a really nice guy sounds great that's my. favorite he wears a chain while you [ __ ]. but you could probably wear a chest. protector and you'd be fine for most. that's what I want I want like a brother.

like I want to feel his ankle bracelet. when we're [ __ ] we need like a ton of. lube but just for his elbows no I'm. kidding coconut coconut lotion or. whatever called I think it's his elbows. I think went dark girl you took a chance. you went down weirdo Lane I went down. racist Lane I'm not a no I don't I I. like I really did make that as my New. Year's resolution but I don't I don't. know if it's going to happen yeah I know. people that are comics and only date. comics and it never works out it's just. like not a good idea it's like high. school you're at the same shows every. night well not only that I think it's.

better in life in in my opinion to. experience things from when when you're. close to someone whether they're friends. or whether they're you know uh. co-workers or whatever when you when. you're really close to someone you're. experiencing life when you communicate. with them through a different. perspective you know completely. different perspective so if you're. dating someone that has like a. completely different set of interests. and a completely different set of. desires and like someone who sees life. from you know a totally different. Viewpoint than a performer like you're. going to get you you'll it'll I I think.

it like will broaden your perspective oh. you do I think you'll have I think it'll. give you more perspective yeah when you. date people that are outside of your. line of show business or even any line. of work I would think if you're you. you're limited yeah if you're like a CEO. and you're only date CEO chicks and you. get together and have some CEO sex yeah. you talk about CEO [ __ ] creepy little. are you staying on there yeah it started. to feel very incestuous like just.

talking about like oh did you hear what. Colin Quinn said tonight like right. after we one time we [ __ ] to dice. before the laughter died like by. accident and I was just like this is too. close to home like when does the work. stop and the so no but right now what. I'm doing by the way which is one of the. greatest comedy CDs of all time [ __ ]. unbelievable we couldn't help a [ __ ] we. were so psyched folks who don't know if. you don't know this this uh CD. when Dice Clay was at Dice Clay by the. way wants to do the podcast and I got. his number and want to call him he.

doesn't have a cell phone and he doesn't. have a voicemail at home he just has a. phone if you call him you either get me. or you get me oh is that his is that his. machine no he doesn't it doesn't have an. answering machine like if he doesn't. answer the phone that's it you're not. talking to him so love it I love it I. love it awesome and when he was huge. when he was at the top of the Heap he. put out a CD a 2 CD recording a double. album of him bombing he went to Danger.

field yeah he went to dangerfields. completely unannounced and you got to. understand folks when when this was. happening when dice put this CD out dice. was feeling coliseums Dice Clay was the. biggest most explosive standup comedian. of all time I always say that there's no. guy who had more success and he doesn't. get a lot of credit because it was like. really. juvenile for so for whatever reason for. some people it's like not good I'll tell. you what I [ __ ] love Dice Clay. especially when I was a kid when I was.

with my girlfriend when I was when we. were like 19 18 19 and we were listening. to a cassette of Andrew Dice Clay we. were [ __ ] howling laughing way before. I ever thought I would ever do standup. comedy but I remember thinking this guy. is [ __ ] hilarious he just was going. for every single [ __ ] thing just. going for it and just beyond committing. like he's a he's a [ __ ] genius and. Norton Security Guy Kenny. used to be dice's guy and the stories. that he tells just make you love dice. even more he's [ __ ] crazy so this is.

what he does he's the he's on top of the. world he goes to Danger Fields just. shows up and he does an album of him. with no material at all zero he just. went up and just talked [ __ ] for like. two hours ruined every audience member's. life God attacked people I think maybe. there were like four people left at the. end I don't know it was so crazy it was. a complete CD of non comedy and he sold. it and there were still some funny. moments there was a guy it's worth.

listening to there was a guy Nam Mike. Donovan who's like a Boston Legend and. when I was coming up he was one of the. guys that I really admired and he was. crying laughing recounting dice doing. Nixon while he was eating a girl's ass. he's like he's he said I'll do Nixon in. that ass pleasure to me you he was doing. like his Nick and impression and Mike. was crying tears tears in the back of. the comedy connection crying tears. recounting it talking about how great.

that CD is God damn it especially for a. comic for any upand cominging comic man. you must get the day the laughter died. yeah you must get that CU at first you. start and you like want the crowd to. like you and then you get a healthy like. hatred of the crowd and then an. indifference Creeps in that that's where. I am now just total indifference and uh. it's like ugly guys and girls ugly guys. and girls have this thing where they. they love the girl but the girl doesn't.

love them back so every time they see an. ugly a pretty girl they have this. feeling of pain inside of them that that. connection with rejection so it's not. that the crowd is terrible it's just in. the beginning we're all terrible so we. grow to hate the crowd because so many. times they've punished us for the truth. okay for the and then and then we love. them but it's not satisfying enough well. we have to get good enough to be better. than them and to sort of guide them. along right but and. then they're listening guide them along.

into my comedy Journey God no I think. you a lot no I I honestly believe that. there's a lot of comics that develop. this sort of hate for Their audience and. it's really strange and I think the only. thing that makes sense is they connect. it with bad feelings they connect Their. audience with whatever some reflection. of how they've put out you know their. own energy and their own personality and. how people responded to that and then. their own material you know when when if. they've had bad sets or if they've you. know had like you know bad things happen. in the crowd and they associate that.

that bad feeling with everyone who comes. to see them and so they've develop I've. met a lot of old guys that have been in. the business for a long time I don't. give a [ __ ] what these people want I'm. going to feed them when I do they like. it or they don't like it and the show is. over all right folks get the [ __ ] out of. here and they really do develop that. sort of defense mechanism yeah I'm I try. to be exactly the opposite I I try to I. I by now I have like when I do shows. people come out that know me like it's. they're it's my crowd so when it's my. crowd it's like it's way easier it's.

just like we know we're just going to. have fun you know just right I feel like. very open when I go out there and like. just like when I meet someone like in. life I give them the benefit of the. doubt right and uh and I'm I'm into it. but but I don't I feel like I don't need. anything from them right now where I am. I'm not like I'm not like please laugh. or please like me and I'm not like I. don't know I don't feel at all you as a. as an intelligent person when you're. involved in this sort of a bizarre line. of work there's there's self analysis.

that comes along with creating new. material and a lot of times you start. looking at this weird relationship that. you have to this strange group of people. like I'm seeking their approval and I'm. doing this and I'm changing who I am you. know and mean there's there's a weird. like there's a there's a weird thing. that goes back and forth when you're an. intelligent person and you're analyzing. anything where you sort of insisting on. the approval of mass amounts of people. which is what your comedy is totally. even more so than like music yeah but. like okay but before you were saying. about being a chick and uh that it might.

limit the subject matter you can talk. about I didn't want to say limit what I. said is makes it more difficult I think. I'm more impressed when a chick can. skirt the issues of sex or politics or. or any any position of Authority or or. or someone who makes sense yeah cuz guys. don't want to hear a girl make sense. that they haven't figured out okay well. that's like sense that makes total sense. but uh that's what I feel like I've been. doing like on stage about sex stuff um. talking about the like the the female.

experience and not for the sake of shock. and not for the sake of um making. anybody uncomfortable or you know trying. to belittle or alienate the dudes it's. not like that I I and I think that I've. found a way to like make it acceptable. for people to digest I bet you have. you're smart you could do it it's it's. not impossible but it's it's more. difficult but but in that way what I'm. my uh reason for saying that is like so. I'm paying attention to the experience. that the audience is having like I if.

they're not laughing and not with me I'm. not going to be like well I don't care. this is the path I'm on I'm fed by that. and I react to it but I just don't feel. like like uh you know I just I don't. know where I used to if a joke didn't. work I would sort of just tap dance to. the next one and be like maybe this and. that just you know that I think just. from bombing so hard so many times the. fear leaves you cuz you've lived out all. your fear. on stage yeah um yeah yeah the moments. of deep bombing though right now people. are like Kate.

Upton but it's true the bom bombing. moments are Clarity moments but I think. that that's where people develop the uh. the bad relationship with the audience I. think that's it's like a guy an ugly. dude with pretty girls just so used to. getting rejected that you [ __ ] these. [ __ ] look at all these lesbians you. even like my dick what's up let's go to. a strip club yeah I think it's a natural. thing for people to do I loved your uh. one of the videos where you were how you. dealt with that a female Heckler um you.

uh you were like I'm not you just like. really explained the truth to her like. I'm not I think you're like I'm not your. boyfriend or like I'm not trying to [ __ ]. you like you I'm not going to act like. what you're saying is interesting not. not that that's those were your words. but I learned but I learned from that I. was like oh like the absolute truth is. like the funniest [ __ ] like you you. didn't like insult her whatever you just. like here's the situation yeah I didn't. have to I was like you're not. fascinating to me yeah like there's I'm. not going to pretend like you're. interesting like the guys that want to.

bang you yeah like just shut up we had a. woman in Vegas a couple of weeks ago. that was in Vegas too the one I think. you're thinking of which Vegas they just. go the the deepest cuz they're usually. on meth or ecstasy or something yeah. Advil they're. on flying they're flying who knows what. the [ __ ] they're doing in Vegas but. there was a girl last time we were there. she stood up for like 10 minutes. for 10 minutes she was like standing up. in the audience while I destroyed her. bizarre I'm totally exaggerating on the. 10 minutes by the way minutes and she.

was just going to the B minutes back but. no she was standing up for a long time. screaming and yelling at me she was just. crazy she was just pretty and you know. and she just thought for whatever reason. she just could be running this room I. think she I think they're just confused. she'd seen Coyote Ugly to any times she. thought she could just stand up and. start a revolution she starts flare. barart tending in the audience like like. but what about somebody play The Devil. Went Down to the yeah do a little bit of. this in the audience play coton I Joe.

starts river dancing you're like that's. not that's not why I'm here for whatever. reason she just really really wanted to. be the center of attention so she just. caused this massive commotion I know. like talk to them like IAL that like I. would talk to a toddler I'll be like do. you feel like you need attention right. now yes that's important like do you. need it to be from me or maybe the. people you're with at your table could. maybe what is what led you to this. deficit check this instead of looking at. this one thing of behavior what what is.

the what is the Catalyst what started. this offce was it childhood molestation. let's talk about your D someone leave. you somewhere and never come and get you. what can we do right now rais by dogs or. I'll just like I'll move the mic and. I'll just say like don't talk to me. anymore okay and I just go back it's. like cuz I think the way that it is a. struggle also for me is I go on stage I. look like very. Amish uh like I look not threatening and. I it I think people react even no matter. what age they are like I'm a substitute. teacher like oh we're gonna here we go.

Mrs candle's not here you look like. America I look like an american dog you. look like you'd be selling pie like. apple pie you'd have like the best. tasting apple pie of all time yeah step. right up if if I looked at her and I. said that [ __ ] has probably got some. awesome apple pie and then I go up and. I'm like my [ __ ] this and they're like. what but so they think it's like you. know step teacher so I have to sort of. assert my authority right away and be. like this is how this is this this house. is gonna go you know guys must think. that's hot though I mean that I bet I I.

think I would imagine the guys would be. or totally scared of it I don't know. don't I don't get hit on very often or. like if I get hit on it'll be a guy. coming up after the show who will listen. to my stuff and I do a lot of stuff. about being like easy so they'll they'll. I've had a guy come up and he they they. just like assume that they're like going. home with me like I've had a guy come up. and be like hey so I'm a marine and like. I drove two hours to get. here so I'm by themselves yeah and I got.

duct tape and a knife I'm like okay like. thank you for I like signed the CD and. I'm like okay thanks and he's like where. are we going and I'm like oh no like. you're a stranger like where are we. going yeah or but no and CH chicks just. as much as guys are are handsy with me. and are like let's go somewhere where's. the next location. really Jesus Christ do they want to. party with you or do they want to have. sex with you what going on with these. chicks I hope both yeah I can only hope.

the girls want to hang out but they're. all like and if it's like a couple. they'll be like don't hog Amy I want it. you know and they're like the girls are. handsy cuz you know they feel like I'm. sure everybody feels like they're your. friend they know you they want you to. like them and they want you to know that. they get it oh they get it Brian yeah. they get it so funny so yeah so. uh guy yeah definitely I have to like I. did the show at Foxwoods and this guy. was like can I can I can I take a.

picture where I'm pretending like I'm um. going to grab your boobs and I was like. and I was like no um but let's take a. normal picture and he wrote on Facebook. he was like that [ __ ] she wouldn't let. me and I wrote back to him and I was. like like that's the only time I ever. have or ever will write back to anyone. who writes something rud to me uh I like. I like block I like the block button on. Twitter I'm block happy but uh that guy. I was like why did you feel like that. was okay like I I I said let's take.

another picture and he was like I just. thought you'd be like Lampanelli would. have done it and I'm just like lelli. would have done it like what I'm on the. road by myself usually like I want some. inbred [ __ ] weirdo to be like oops. sorry I grabbed them by accident. pretending to grab your tits how [ __ ]. crazy is that weird I'm just like no. probably would grab them just for a joke. yeah yeah I grabbed him people have just. picked me up for a picture I had a guy. ask me if he could pick me up it's I. want to feel safe he goes uh can I carry.

you and I go what what did you want to. do he goes can I carry you in the. picture get the [ __ ] out of here man why. would you want to carry me that's so. weird oh it was so weird it was a big. guy too I was like hey you're like it's. like you're going to have to fight for. that position son let's come up with. something else if you ever get to the. point where you're actually carrying me. we're going to have to we're fighting. you crazy [ __ ] trying to pick me up. no bound me in the air and then what. next thing you know it's never enough.

It's never enough it's always. another the average person would never. ask if they could pick you up and carry. you I would never ask I'm don't you feel. like with if if it's an artist you just. meet someone first time you've ever met. them even though you know that they're a. person that you've seen on television or. on a band or whatever you have just met. them you crazy [ __ ] you have had. exactly three seconds of FaceTime this. this woman you in uh in Sacramento this. chick got thrown out of a show cuz she. was talking and drunk and loud and she.

got up the punch line at the punch line. places the [ __ ] and she was like Amy are. you going to let them do this to me like. I was like I don't you're a stranger. [ __ ] like she thought I was going to be. like no Barbara or whatever I was like. yeah get her out of here crazy drunk. [ __ ] [ __ ] you're going to let them. well I I always wonder too when people. go off in the audience occasionally I. always wonder what are they on you know. in this day and age I always wonder. about like what kind of weird. prescription [ __ ] are they on drinking.

at the same time cuz some people did. just just a complete disconnect from. reality absolute utter disconnect from. reality or it'll be like they're not. trying to be mean they're trying to like. they think they're helping they think. they're helping and they'll even tell. you afterwards I helped you I helped. that show we were great right that was. good we were playing off each other. right no uh I had a guy at the punchline. Atlanta over new he was like yelling and. he was like I said something like like. I'm not a lesbian I mean I've caught a. finger but I'm not and so and he's like.

yes you are you you'll [ __ ] anybody and. I was and he and I don't think he was. trying to lash out I think he was trying. to be like I know you're whatever right. but uh but then everybody's like oo and. they put the lights on and it's like. they wanted me to like trash this guy. right and uh so I did no but I mean but. you know it's they put the lights on it. they put the lights on in the crowd so. that you could see him better yeah oh. wow did you ask them to do that I don't. think so they put the video online it's.

not good he was just wait a minute wait. a minute why did they do that that's. their solution turn the lights on like. here you can see him now he's a victim. you can oh wow you can go after him and. I don't want to do that I want to do. like my my jokes that I'm working on you. know right that is I'd rather not have. the interaction at all yeah that is a. problem you know especially when it. becomes really funny too then the crowd. thinks it's a really good thing that it. happened and someone else favor yeah. they enjoyed it I like when you trash. that [ __ ] idiot so I could see how. the the club would be like oh this would. be fun you know and but there's other. clubs that won't even allow it to get to.

that part I love those clubs like Gotham. Gotham police is that they don't [ __ ]. around that place is they're all EX cops. running that place they're all [ __ ]. Savages they to tell them to leave guys. alone they are they're waiting to pounce. yeah those guys are professional New. York police officers all right we'll. have a signal they're animals they don't. [ __ ] around they're they're waiting to. hurt someone those guys are. beautiful the [ __ ] place is perfect. it's Perfection you to go there why are.

we like us I love Gotham I love Gotham. that's where I started the next time I'm. what what the hell am I doing in uh New. York I'm not doing that Brian what am I. doing I'm in Manhattan theater The. Manhattan theater what it is fancy pants. getting fancy nice getting all fancy on. a [ __ ] you know what's you know what's. up a [ __ ] boy moving on up a [ __ ] well I. love doing clubs just as much um but uh. yeah I think more sometimes even but you. it's good to do both it's when you can't. do uh five shows or you can't do like a.

whole weekend you know like Thursday. Friday Saturday Sunday and if when I. can't do that I I I have to do like a. theater I don't want you know I get. bummed out if I can only do like one. show in a town it's only like 200 seats. or something like that you know yeah but. those are the best shows right don't you. think like 200 for me cuz then I might. fill it you'll listen I'm telling you if. if you had a podcast you'd be packing. clubs everywhere I've heard you stand up. you're [ __ ] hilarious you're just as. hilarious doing stand up as you are at. roast thank you you'd be killing them oh.

my God a podcast yeah I'm telling you. kid this is my podcast I wouldn't know. the first thing to say I'd be like just. start talking start talking [ __ ] or come. on out you could be the whole on our. show I'd love to be your we could. introduce youan you could totally be my. whole am SCH aka the death sad hole no. you guys don't say it if you don't mean. it. is this the Valentine's Day Edition yes. this is so beautiful oh it's only. beautiful because you're here thank you. you bounce so well there's a fake.

butthole on that table by the way right. in front of you Amy there's a little. brown thing that look like a t tot no. little rubber thing right there oh this. is an it's it's a thanks for telling me. it's a fake [ __ ] like I would be. concerned that this was perhaps a real. [ __ ] that just had wandered away from. it own so this is an African-American. [ __ ] is this because of February or. you switch out [ __ ] when girls when. we do some porn star podcasts here and. when girls have a gaping [ __ ] they. use that to like plug it during the day. so their [ __ ] just not like mouth.

breather shut the [ __ ] you you know like. no cuz sometimes if they it doesn't. smell ran you're not tricking me with. this you're just making this up you. crazy [ __ ] ran how dare you have you. seen this [ __ ] no I have not may I. please thank you. enjoy silly please enjoy uh do you know. Will Sasso Joe he he's very. strange very strange that someone want. want it looks nice in your hand yeah I. guess I guess one dude just sit around. finger and going that could be her.

[ __ ] this could be somebody's assho. it was her. [ __ ] I would just first of all I. would brush brush up against it like. barely barely just just let her know my. fingers just let her know I'm here let. her know my fingers saying what's up my. fingers saying you want to back up you. can if you want to back up you oh I feel. a little pressure on my finger is that. your booty hole pressing my finger oh. looks like she wants to play if you had. the feeling to just back up and just. everybody's different everybody's. different you put your finger on some. girls [ __ ] and they clamp down and.

go whoa whoa and every gu [ __ ] every. guys almost every guys well wouldn't you. rather that than a guy back up be like. grab that second finger I think so I. think so yeah you don't want a guy who's. like super today that's how I feel today. when you get older when I get older I'm. going to be fisting any dude that will. let me more to stoke the fires yep we. just be bored. I'll be throwing whatever I can in his. ass this little brown [ __ ] is. disturbing it might not be a a. total I mean it's what a total I don't.

know I mean that's a black [ __ ] could. be just a a really tan person too. because it's not necessarily black no. one's that t well the chick that I. pulled it out of was it was a black well. thank you Brian you didn't pull this out. of some girl is not an actual that's a. real doll butthole it's a real doll's. butthole that a version of a real doll. butthole but isn't doesn't the real doll. you can [ __ ] it butthole yeah yeah you. could put different attachments in it oh. you can but this skin is what the real. doll is made out of yeah that's not as.

good as flashlight no it's not. flashlight has a patented uh technology. Joe feel real than the they need to. Market oh way better yeah Fleshlight. feels way closer to vagina material. absolutely pretty them close that's why. you get you buy any kind of fake vagina. as a guy and it's like it's a joke it's. like [ __ ] a Barbie doll chunk like. that the piece where they make Barbie. dolls out of like they carve it in a. certain way that's what it feels like. can you make the fleslight tighter if. you want uh yeah it well it's pretty.

tight it just stretches around your dick. it's stretches so okay you know what I. mean so it's it's for the most part for. most people I would imagine maybe maybe. not oh thank you maybe not. everyone wow this is great very touchy. subject men and women oh yeah the asshol. vaginas something taken over some. artificial [ __ ] for for years dudes had. to live with girls riding equipment and. sticking cians inside their. bodies and now it's your turn now it's.

finally your the men's sexual Revolution. you're turning it around right now yeah. I'm scared of all that [ __ ] I've never. dealt with any of that I mean I've had a. vibrator but how do you feel about this. crazy Rick Santorum [ __ ] not to like. skew your judgment in any way yeah no. you thought maybe I'd be like whoa whoa. whoa who I love Santorum no he's. apparently like he's like not even into. birth control he thinks that women. shouldn't have birth control that the. states should be able to decide is that. his way of saying he likes pulling out.

and putting it all over his wife stomach. yes you think that's he's a TI guy or do. you think I I don't believe that he. feels like that he believes anything. that he's saying you feel like he's just. completely playing a game yeah don't. what do you think uh he could be gay he. just you go straight to [ __ ] yeah when I. whenever someone's really religious like. Bears [ __ ] when someone's super super. religious and they they want to like. they want to either challenge gay. marriage or control gay sexuality or. whenever they want to get like real. freaky with like controlling sex and.

morality and issues like that I almost. always go gay with them because they. almost always are uncovered as being. wildly gay yeah it sounds like a crazy. thing to say like you know Joe Rogan. you're an [ __ ] for saying that no I'm. not you know why I'll tell you why. because I'm not I'm not saying that you. shouldn't be religious I'm not saying. that I know a lot of people where all. that is super Ben ited them especially. people that have had substance abuse. issues you cannot say that Christianity. or religion are having a good church and. a good Association a Community. Association to that belong to that's.

religious and follows religious tenants. that it couldn't help their life I agree. yeah but for you know for a lot of. people they're just too [ __ ] stupid. yeah if it like gives somebody hope and. it helps them out I'm like go do it but. but if it's just CU you're borderline. [ __ ] and somebody told you to. believe it and you do. then I guess I don't really know what. I'm saying what are you saying anymore I. don't know I just think I'm I don't want. to blame the pot but uh I just like. don't even really remember what we're.

talking about do you like the bread. sticks and salad at Olive Garden Brian. you had to is that what we were talking. about when you're there you are family I. think we were talking about black eyes. oh yeah you guys I'll tell you'll be the. first know we hit like a personal. threeway mind stump right there we were. all driving along and we were following. you. we yeah CU there was a brief moment. where I I you know as you're having a. conversation it's sort of like you're. tossing a ball back and forth to each. other I took the ball and you had the.

ball and I completely forgot what I was. saying when I gave you the ball I threw. the ball in the sewer you you you should. have th threw the ball back to me and I. threw I'm like I'm not sure you can have. it again and then you said I don't know. what we're talking about I was like damn. both kept that should have kept that. ball and I wasn't paying attention yeah. Brian's like watching reruns of Sanford. you don't want to be the Kobe Bryant of. podcast you want to push the ball off as. much as possible it's very important. yeah the beautiful moment make a rape. joke I'm going to just opt out dude I. love you I love you move here move here.

move here come on we're going to be. besties Ice House I sto doing my rape. joke I can't do it anymore people were. getting mad in the audience that have. been raped stop it that's not a funny. thing to talk about it's like murdering. babies is not fun to talk about either. you know they don't have to tell you I. beg to differ on both those subjects. I just I can't I I can't find a way to. make cancer funny but everything else I. think is pretty funny well it dep it. depends on who's getting raped when. dudes are getting raped it's hilarious.

that's great especially [ __ ] when. bad mean men are getting raped by other. meaner men you are sing my song sister I. miss Oz for that reason that was the. last rape I was like yes last good rape. show on television was Oz you know they. don't make him like they used to that's. a different way of owning a guy raping. him that's a whole other level yeah. raping someone when you're in a cage. together like and they just they impose. themselves on you so much that they they. sexually impose themselves on you they.

make you suck their dick oh oh God that. is they nut in your mouth they didn't. even want to they just wanted to show. you that they could do that can you. imagine how horrific that must be the mo. the moment like you become a bch it's. not even fun if it's what you want it to. happen but what if you you know like you. have to the guy beats the [ __ ] out of. you the best way to not get the [ __ ]. beat out of you is to suck as deck let. him [ __ ] yes it's not going to take. that much time out of your day Tibetan. rape ceremony it seems less gay to get. [ __ ] Tibetan rape ceremony yeah you. tie you to a stick and let a bunch of.

guys rape you is that what free to bet. means he's betting that. up I'm getting that bumper sticker. immediately meeting a Jour he's actually. referencing a Tibetan um uh Tibetan. vulture funeral where they tie you your. dead body to a steak and then the. vultures come down and eat you it's. [ __ ] wild [ __ ] who watches like. family MERS family MERS and a lot of. times the vultur will leave the head on. last so a lot of the photos if you see. it it's just like a skeleton like almost. exactly like from Disneyland and then a.

person's real head attached to it still. well not only that the really the high. level guys the high level guys take it. to the next level and they bring Hammers. and then they Smash Up The Head And They. smash up the bones and then they step. back again the vultures come back and. they'll actually Devour the smashed up. bones oh yeah that's when you're taking. it deep when you're taking it super deep. when you're hitting your friend's head. open with a [ __ ] hammer and they open. them up too with knives they'll like. open the meat up to get the vultures to. start I was actually talking uh to this.

uh my on the phone with my mom and I was. telling her about this why didn't I. suspicious that you're telling a li no. I I will call I will call her I'll call. her right now live if you don't believe. me but no I swear to God I was driving. over telling her about this and then. she's like you know this is like the. most disturbing thing my mom's ever. heard in her life because she doesn't. have like internet as much as people you. know so like I'm telling her this and. she's like I have to sit down really so. did you just tell her it you didn't. today on the way here oh you should tell.

her to [ __ ] go to the link should. make her go to the link she just email. her to her hey Mom I'm this is a new. place I'm thinking about moving into in. Burbank what do you think and she'll. just look at that link she sounds like a. real. [ __ ] I I think she's spotting oh God. come on you can't say that while you're. wearing your cougar hunter shirt could. sent it not cool what is Brian do you do. you remember the the cougar in in Austin. Austin Texas uh no did you get down The.

Accidental cougar oh yeah yeah do you. want to tell that story no I think we've. told it a million times but pretty much. are are you talking about the strip club. yeah the one when you didn't know who. you're kissing so there was this. waitress that was like really flirty. with me at the strip club and I was. blackout drunk he's saying it like he. wants me to get jealous yeah well he is. he does well let you know she was she. wasn't nothing don't worry about it. thanks but she was pretty hot okay we're. okay she was pretty hot though and so. she was like being really flurry like. massaging my back and everything like.

that and I was just wasted and then she. stopped massaging my back and I'm like. just [ __ ] up and then suddenly this. other waitress comes up to me or a. stripper or I don't know who it was or. just an older lady she was a patron oh. she was a patron that was just like an. old lady that hung out at strip clubs. you know like creepy older lady smoked. cigarett and I don't know like face of. an ugly Angel and. uh and she I thought that was this the. girl tried to like kiss me on the cheek. or something like that and I thought it.

was the hot waitress and I just went. like closed my eyes and just started. like Frenching her and then Joe's. recording it on his phone and then I I. no no no no it was just way before you. could record things on your phone no you. did cuz I remember no I recorded it on a. on a on a um a camera camera yeah he. recorded on a camera and then uh then um. uh whatever I I like backed out and. noticed it wasn't her and everyone like. that was around me looked like a they. saw a ghost like everyone was just like. white as a ghost out of the ghost this. is what it was like we looked over and.

Brian was happy as a pig and [ __ ] he was. s sitting back with his arms stretched. piee drunk stoned as [ __ ] he's just. oblivious to the world and he had this. huge smile on his face and then the. waitress comes over and she was really. cute and Brian said something funny he. laughed and he clap his hands together. and we were all having a good time and. Brian kicks back and he's literally he's. so hammered and like [ __ ] Nickelback. is playing really.

loud his his head is leaning back and. the girl comes over and kisses his cheek. and she's a [ __ ] old biker lady like. an old Haggard looking she had short. hair yeah she like thei. from Girls the the older one that was. the the cougar she was wearing a vest. blanch yeah it was like blanch yeah. blanch yeah she seems like blanch is the. cutest one no who do you like Sophia she. was she was she was like late late 50s.

right would you say late late 50s late. 50s old biker lady sits down next to. Brian cuddles with him rubs up against. him he like puts his hand on her she. kisses his neck he turns to and it's. like watching a deer get hit by a. train and you have it on video boom boom. Oh my God it was horrendous when she. stuck out her weathered cigarette gray. tongue it was like a [ __ ] appendage. in in the movie Predator it was like.

something you expect to come out of its. mouth too long she was tongueing Brian. oh was so nasty and whatever tattoos. that she had on her had long been Blue. by the mother time Tasmanian the devil. shooting my good basketball or something. oh they were making out they were making. out and I'm filming it I'm filming it. I'm going look look what the [ __ ] is. Brian doing so the video is like look. look what the [ __ ] is Brian doing and he. can't even hear me you know you know. it's like yeah and then the next day I'm.

like dude did you get that video he goes. dude I deleted it for you you'll thank. me want to be a rockar I we watched it. well I knew that it was too good and it. was going to get out and so I knew it. was it was devastating it would have. been devastating to your confidence love. to see at the time though today I agree. but years ago whenever the [ __ ] it was I. I say you weren't really ready for that. yet I would love to have it would have. been devastating I would have I have. that on my [ __ ] remember you'd wake. up and [ __ ] your pants in cold sweats.

you just wake up think about it and just. [ __ ] your. pants that woman was horrific bro that. would be so awesome to have she was like. the scene in The Shining when Jack. Nicholson is making out with the woman. and all a sudden it turns into an old. lady. on that's what it was like that's a was. horrendous that's sad that you Del. little buddy you know I love you no I. want I want to see it so bad you say. that I didn't want to see it again I. went almost reenacted live with it I. felt bad I felt bad everybody was going. to attack you I'm I'm on a cougar hunt.

Joe you're just here to protect him as. you dude yeah she was a snuff lopus. she's a rocker chick dude trying to. trying to ruin my game with the cougs oh. boy oh but there's in there somewhere. out there there's someone that wants to. suck her feet no yeah there's some dude. who wants to suck those dried out old. callous Harden cracked feet he wants to. suck on him there's somebody out there. man yeah man pretty nice for me E I.

don't know was that like was that like. Hispanic or like ined like Southern oh. that. was fat southern guy hey get it oh God. so awful have you seen the Book of. Mormon do you go to like plays and stuff. like that is it is it just amazing it's. coming here to Los Angeles finally for. folks who don't know it's the Mt Stone. and Trey Parker uh music it's awesome. it's coming to Los Angeles I think so. really wow I don't know how the [ __ ]. those guys have time to do that man know. they're ridiculous it's annoying there's. some there's some people that like put.

out like the their workload is just it's. so that's you're one of those people. what are you talking about you have 85. you're like Jamaican no these are easy. jobs everything I have I figured out a. way to just to fake it Le and do 80. things yeah everything I do I'm like. you're like seest on on like like manly. version. ofest super you're like the sexy like. rugged just [ __ ] [ __ ] chicks. [ __ ] just traps busting out.

ofing everything I do is super easy it's. all like it's skating through I mean. comedy is the only thing that's. difficult because you have to write. material but then once you got it down. once you have your setd down it's super. easy you know the really the only. difficult thing about comedy is writing. the new stuff and the travel the [ __ ]. that the travel but that's just I'm. telling you your travel will be so much. different if you had a podcast and you. bring your friends on what's up bring it.

yeah you got to fight for or just hang. out in California smoke a lot of weed. and just do shows here locally and do. podcasting yeah come on get in there. girl this is a scene in the movie where. you decide that [ __ ] New York New York. can suck it and you throw all your stuff. in the bag and that's what you say right. before you leave New York can suck it. boom you kick the door shut. next thing you're on a plane next thing. you landed like in the movie Snatch you. remember when the dude has to fly back. and forth from London to New York and. he's all mad yeah they got some [ __ ]. Diamond deal that's going on he pops the.

Ambi I think it'll be like pretty women. but like in Reverse so like a month from. now I'll just be like hooker pantsless. on the street like say no I I don't need. money I don't need money just I want to. know where the Greyhound station is but. really I'm like okay can I have some. money pantsless on the street in my. Underpants just St your brown I remember. when I first uh drove to New York I I'm. not going to start [ __ ] myself Brian. Jesus Christ I'm just not I don't have a. job I remember when I first drove to New. York there was an area of New York uh.

Jimmy Norton would know where it is he'. be able to I'm sure he would I'm sure he. knows where it moved to he probably does. there's an area that was like near like. shipyards and [ __ ] it was like a real. creepy area and you drive through and. there was hookers everywhere it was like. night of the Thousand hookers it was 40. it was 42nd all the way yeah Time Square. used to be like Seattle dude what. Seattle again no you don't it's inside. jokes this [ __ ] with the inside. jokes there. was it was was so bizarre because it was.

like like it was on all shipyards and. hookers everywhere was Norton's dream. really weird the Village People AR. actually there that that's that that's a. real place there's a lot of people that. have never experienced that they don't. know that there spots where they there's. all these they've decided hookers are. just going to accumate that's it that's. their Amsterdam like on a the streets um. yeah New Orleans is the scariest place. like that that I've for hookers seen. yeah really yeah what I've seen and I.

went to college in Baltimore like I saw. some some [ __ ] for sure but New Orleans. I saw the scariest [ __ ] I've ever seen. with hookers and stuff I would have. never thought that Baltimore was like a. hardcore sort of a place until like the. wire the wire is real and the wire. you're like w I grew up in New York I. grew up in New York and as in the city. constantly nothing ever happened in. Baltimore I got robbed every way. imaginable my car held up at gunpoint. our apartment Jes Christ it was like. yeah it's it's [ __ ] it was nuts there. I don't know if it's better now but I.

and I love Baltimore but it's you don't. want to go to Central Booking yeah yeah. Baltimore they used to have a comedy. club there used to have an improv do you. remember going there they still I'm. doing oh speaking of that oh. [ __ ] be in Baltimore this Sunday at I. think it's called The Comedy Factory. yeah but that I remember that you just. remember that yeah you know what's the. nicest time of year Washington DC. Baltimore's ass I was just saying like. don't go to Baltimore and I was like oh. [ __ ] I'm going there this Sund robbed. I've been shot at and don't forget to.

you want to see my comedic stylings oh. yeah so you're going to be wear in. Baltimore this Sunday um I think it's. called The Comedy Factory ComEd good at. is that the old improv same place yeah. well it's like right if it's not in the. actual space it's right next to it it's. where the Improv used to be yeah because. I know that somebody yeah that was a fun. little SP that was fun that that was. coming up when I was in school and we. were just little hores running around. there yeah that's what it seems like. it's a block away from Gay Street which. is like the you know strip club porn.

town oh God that was fun fun place to go. to college for sure [ __ ] yeah that's. where our boy John R is shout out to. John R listens to the podcast he's from. Baltimore big up John it's a weird. accent that Baltimore accent it's a. [ __ ] it's sort of city but it's sort. of country it's not. cute it ain't cute you think it's bad. coming out kid please come out Sunday. I support all everything you do is Art. uh everything you do is Art you're a. miracle come out Sunday You're A Miracle. by my album support me do you have an.

album out yeah where how can people get. it iTunes iTunes it's called cutting. cutting M oh nice dude I'm going to buy. I love the album cover not buying my. album I might buy it right now how about. that okay how about what's up how about. buy my album the album cover is awesome. too is it it's her baking uh like. cupcakes and she has a black eye dressed. up like oh and this is the one where the. the lady didn't want to do the makeup. huh yeah she didn't want to do that wow. cuz she thought that you're you're. making fun of violence I think so but.

like that's my favorite thing to do like. my sister and I used to go to Rangers. games and I would wear a neck brace and. and I'd put two black eyes on her and. people would be like what happened I'd. be like oh we got into s with each other. that's awesome people one time we saw. John Ham like we oh and we forgot that. we had [ __ ] ourselves up and he like. was staring at us we were like John was. into our [ __ ] and then we're right we're. all bang like your beat the [ __ ] up yeah. it would get worse and worse every game. like we would try if we got our hands in. crutches we would do anything what we.

just thought it was so [ __ ]. funny people were horrified by us is. that what got you into standup comedy. like just being a joker like that I. think so I was I've been a [ __ ] my. whole. life I've been a worthless dick my whole. life that's hilarious I I always had. Saturday detention did you have that you. know like The Breakfast Club [ __ ]. it was me and all kids that didn't speak. English yeah I didn't we didn't have. Saturday detention but I was in regular. detention all the time yeah did you did. you make it snow like from your dandruff.

onto a picture do you I don't snow from. your dandruff onto a picture you Dirty. Bit tell you take a shower every now and. again I'm not going to move here anymore. because that whatever that I was talking. about The Breakfast Club where that you. you know we they're all in Saturday. school oh that that moment that was uh. important to you and nobody else yeah I. have no idea what a [ __ ] Ali shei Ali. was she a dandr for that yeah remember. she used to like she was the crazy hair. make it snow uh because of all her Dand.

it like the most disturbing thing from. that movie I that was the most. disturbing did you see dandruff like I. think she just yeah and it was a joke. that it was snowing on a house that she. Drew or something oh I show you remember. I must have missed that part I don't. remember that I don't think that was an. important PL point I don't know if I. actually watched that whole movie all. the way through really yeah that's one. of those movies I probably watched like. 20 minutes and then shut it off and then. went back and watched the other 20. minutes another time I probably never. finished it you don't you don't like. those movies I don't know there was.

never into them they used to frustrate. me when I was a kid when I was a kid. when those movies were coming out all. those 16 Candles it's a very weird time. in my life cuz I I I would get annoyed. at any any like feel good like uh where. I if I saw where I was going I couldn't. enjoy it I had to like I I I couldn't. enjoy any sort of uh horeshit sort of. happy ending any kind of movie where. felt like was concocted those movies had. some really dark [ __ ] though I'm sure.

really yeah yeah the guy the guy I'm. trying to describe but I mean like I. just if you saw like the Happy Ending. coming at you yeah if I saw any if I. just felt like it was written I felt. like it was I was just like really super. super critical you could see the writing. yeah I could I wouldn't wouldn't have. even enjoyed like comic book movies back. then yeah but that that movie is like a. and you're the nerd and you're the you. know it was very yeah it was really like. yeah this is the bad boy yeah but the. bad boy like in that movie his dad was. like putting like cigarettes out on him.

and it was right well that's yeah that. is reality and the girl Molly Ringwald. was like yeah like I I remember thinking. it was really dark how she was kind of. vilified just for having tits like she. was doing something to everybody just by. having boobs oh here's maybe if I saw it. again it just showed him like but I was. I just remember I was a I had really. like super critical taste back then very. it was a my life well I was very. critical about myself at this point in. my life and so I was really critical. about like everything I saw on TV and.

the movies it was just a weird time for. me I was like oh the movie [ __ ] sucks. were you like a comedy nerd like did you. no you didn't no until I became a. comedian oh really yeah before that I. was the only I was a Richard prior nerd. you know would listen to Richard prior. tapes with my girlfriend yeah but then. uh uh a I I really started doing it. because um friends talked me into it and. because somebody described to me Sam. Kennison the first Sam Kennison bid that. I ever heard was done for me by a girl a. 19-year-old girl that I worked with yeah.

yeah you know I don't know why I know. this story but I do know the story oh. you do I should have just pretended like. I didn't know I probably told it on the. podcast yeah you must told it on the. podcast have I told that story Brian I. think you did yeah girl even hearing the. bit in the parking lot yeah yeah she was. so it was so it was such a funny bit. this girl who wasn't even a comedian did. the bit in the parking lot and I was. like wow I wish I could come up with. something that funny that was like she. did it enough that you fell in love with. him just through her quoting it yeah.

yeah she acted it out and she was hot it. was really ridiculous cuz she's lying on. her stomach in the parking lot and she's. like oh you mean life keeps [ __ ] the. ass here after death oh oh it never ends. I was like Wow and he's like a short fat. guy that's doing this she's like he's. wearing an Overcoat it's hilarious and I. was like wow I got to check that guy out. damn like she was making me laugh by. doing an impression of the. guy you know that's when you know your. shit's good yeah yeah or that that girl. was pretty good yeah she was just super.

cool I think I probably couldn't do Ken. in any justice especially that. one try help me out parking lot she was. just so such a Preposterous scene she's. talking about getting [ __ ] in the ass. being a corpse is a for folks who don't. know what the bti is kenon had a joke. about homosexual necrofilia. that were paying for a couple hours. undisturbed with the freshest male. corpses they had been arrested for it. and he had this whole bid about the guy. being on a slab like going well I guess.

that's it now I'm dead I'm going to go. be with Jesus and and then he starts. rocking back and forth like hey it feels. like there's a dick in my ass you mean. life keeps [ __ ] the ass even after. you're dead it never ends it never ends. it's a [ __ ] great [ __ ] this girl's. doing this on her stomach in the parking. lot and I'm like oh my God this is hilar. hilarious she nailed it so that's I. wonder where she is now who knows. probably married bunch of. kids P we have her here her [ __ ] is.

dragging on the floor she's like I can. still do the. bit see. the oh God that was what when I worked. at that Health Club it was a a really. important moment for me is that uh when. I was like 18 19 years old I worked at. the Boston Athletic Club I got to see. Bobby or do you know who he is famous. hockey player okay I'd never seen. anybody that had like more than 10 knee. surgeries I'd never seen like a.

professional athlete whose knees had. been destroyed yeah and I got to watch. this guy like walk around he's a he's a. legend in like Boston legendary hockey. player like one of the greatest hockey. players of all time and the poor guy. could barely walk and I remember. thinking like [ __ ] man that can you have. to think about that when you're 18 years. old you're spry and you're all [ __ ]. bouncing around like a little rabbit you. don't think that like your your legs can. get so [ __ ] up that you could be like. one of the greatest hockey players of. all time and still you've taken so much. damage and so many surgeries that you. know you're hobbling along in agony.

everywhere you go like wow it's dark. [ __ ] it's weird I just I was talking to. this guy who plays football and I was. like you'll probably like don't you I. asked I was like don't you guys Die. Young And he was like yeah yeah and I. was like I regretted it after I said it. but I I just it was a really leg. question like like you just you have a. choice like there's enough research and. with the internet and stuff you know now. like you are you are really [ __ ]. yourself up that's so weird yeah it's a.

tough gig you know any any guy that. chooses to use his body for uh any sport. you know anything where you're trying to. make a living just off your body in. competive athletic environment or like a. b you [ __ ] yourself how many how many. guys get to be barishnikov how many. dudes are like I going to be the next. bishov meanwhile thousands of them and. no one gives a [ __ ] it's like who's. going to be the next Lance Armstrong. guess what nobody no one how about that. go go into that [ __ ] bike racing try. to get famous we're like hey [ __ ] we.

don't need to ride bikes okay I just got. a cortisone shot in my hip I like. running like I run run run and I just. all of a sudden my body was like no stop. hold on a second you know that's just a. pain thing that's that you you're still. injured yeah I know I know because I. started running again for like 3 days I. ran like like I used to and uh and it. came the pain came back like I hadn't. even gotten the shot and then I haven't. run since then so it's been it hasn't. hurt me were you having the pain it's in. your hip yeah right under the like it's. a muscle my hip oh it's a muscle in your.

hip sure it's a muscle yeah I went and. got x-rays and uh that's scary [ __ ] I. know people had hip replacements that's. [ __ ] dark no the x-rays look totally. fine but he was like do you want to shot. at cortisone I was like okay and uh I. was so excited that my hip didn't hurt. it still doesn't it still does so I just. it doesn't hurt now but uh when I was. running again it did what if you have to. get an iron hip that'd be crazy guys I'm. not getting a hip replac it's not just. an iron hip you know you know what they. do they saw off the end of your bone.

where your socket is they literally saw. it off and then they screw this [ __ ]. Spike that goes deep deep deep like a. foot into the bone with an artificial I. don't know if it's a foot it's about. like I didn't measure it don't get crazy. on the internet but they screw this. [ __ ] long pipe into the bone and then. it's this artificial hip socket that's. on the top and sometimes it doesn't line. up so good like one leg might be just. slightly bigger than the other leg. because of it and when you're walking.

you have this little [ __ ] hitch to. your stroke that you'll never get away. with like you'll never like walk normal. for the rest of your life unless you. want them to open you up and resize it. again but I'm going get an artificial. hip that's a bummer yeah and that's just. the you know they're going to be able to. develop artificial everything the future. they they made a titanium bone for a. woman who had some sort of bone cancer. and she lost her jaw and they created. her a titanium jaw and apparently it. functions just like the regular jaw it's.

better than her old jaw they insert it. in place it's slightly heavier than the. old jaw apparently what the [ __ ] is. going on why that's actually a person's. jaw that they've all right you know what. you know what Brian you might be this. not a safe environment this is not a. safe place and you have somewhere you. have to go don't you I do you do um. thank you very much for coming on this. has been awesome this really really fun. you made me laugh so hard this was uh. super cool and I want you to do it as. many times as you can whenever you're in. town please call me and let's [ __ ] do. this all time if you ever move to LA for.

real Brian has a whole network of these. podcasts it's called the desk whenever. you want one we'll put you on. immediately and when we put you on. immediately I'm telling you your. Everything Will Change everything oh. [ __ ] yeah all your clubs Club dates will. change medical marijuana license we'll. get we'll get you a card on board thank. you thank you very much really really. cool having you on you're awesome see it. panned out ladies and gentlemen like I. knew it would this podcast was brought. to you by Fleshlight the Fleshlight it.

is I know if you go to Joe rogan.net. click on the link for the Fleshlight and. enter in the code name Rogue you know. the [ __ ] drill why do I have to say. it the beginning and the end maybe you. tuned in halfway and you didn't hear the. first part you heard it I'm being rude. I'm being rude and we're also brought to. you by hit.com o n niit t.com make of. Alpha Brain and the code name Rogan get. yourself 10% off try the shroom Tech. sport if you're an athlete shroom Tech. immune and new mood a 5hdp enhancement. supplement that you shouldn't take if. you're on anti-depressant all right we.

love you dirty [ __ ] we'll see you. soon we got a lot of people coming up in. the show uh Sam Harris is coming up be. real from Cypress Hills coming up great. Fitz Simmons is coming up my pal from. Boston we started out together back in. the. day all right that's it bye everybody we. love you bye see you.

soon.