Joe Rogan Experience #1048 - Doug Stanhope

i got too high four. three oh two one mr hennig and you were. talking in the background. yeah brian hennigan is he's worried. about the link he's waiting for. oh joe rogan.live yeah i should tweet it. right i didn't even tweet it tweet it. i'll tweet it while i'm talking to you. douglas dan hope the mayor of bisbee. wow you're becoming the mayor of l.a. that should be your thing man 300 square. miles of studio space.

uh twitter i knew when i pulled up well. we went. the uber dropped us at the wrong place. but then we walked a few buildings down. and i saw a pickup truck loading epsom. salt into a side door i go yeah that's. flotation tank [ __ ] right there we get. the right door. yeah that's exactly where it is going. live with douglas. i only did a flotation tank once. for a shoot at your house for the man. show. and you had the one in the house and we. were doing it for a shoot so you can't.

really. sit back and enjoy it but for that 30. seconds they shut the door. until they go uh action you're like. wow this is [ __ ] weird it's [ __ ]. weird. it's weird and it never stops being. weird like even though i've done it i. don't know how many times. every time i do it it's [ __ ] weird it. just it's a very strange feeling and. you could shut it off anytime you want. that's the best part about it. like i love the fact that i could just. get out of it like if i if you want to. do shrooms or something like that. that's a commitment i mean you're in.

you're in. six eight hours yeah you don't know. where you're going or who's gonna call. or stop by. yeah you can't that you you're not. shaking that you're just not. it's gonna get you i tweeted it did you. get it all right beautiful. um yeah but the tank you just get out. it's awesome just open the door it's. over i'm sure there's some. kind of uh upkeep that's necessary that. i wouldn't do. and i'd forget and i'd go on the road. and i'd come back and there's bushes. growing in there.

you know what you should do you should. start a tank center in bisbee. if you nobody has money in business you. know it doesn't have to cost a lot of. money. you get like one or two tanks and you. just rent them out all day long. yeah it's again it's like people have. like. disability is the biggest form of income. there. i bet insurance will pay for it maybe i. made that up you should probably check. um i think that they'll well i think. it's a form of therapy for sure.

still the point is i'm not good at. upkeep i know you don't have. nothing but algae for eight months out. of the year. dude i moved into a house once in encino. and uh. nobody had lived in it for i guess like. over a year and they didn't do anything. with the pool. and the pool would become this green. pond. and there was schools of mosquito larva. swimming around in the pool like i was. like what in the [ __ ] is that. like you could see them it was the.

weirdest thing man. that's a problem with the we're getting. rid of the [ __ ] thing dude. it was a real problem like i was looking. i was like you've got a like a big. stew of life out here. there were so many mosquitoes it was. crazy they were like little schools of. fish i was like this is. madness all these little things are. blood sucking little vampires. they're gonna fly around and find things. to bite and where i live. there's no other body of water for a. hundred miles other than my above ground. pool.

isn't it crazy those little [ __ ] you. can't kill them off they just find a way. to just breed and. like back east they're way worse yeah. they're way worse than they are here. there's something about the weather out. here i guess that keeps them in check. the worst by far is alaska that i've. experienced have you ever experienced. yeah holy [ __ ] man you get out of the. car and they just. swarm you like a huge huge and super. aggressive. and they only live to be like three. months old so when they're going for it. they're just [ __ ] going for it. it's like some wolf [ __ ] it's like.

survival of the fittest with but. it's the weirdest thing ever they're. like they're a different thing. like we have an idea ah mosquitoes yeah. they're annoying they get you you slap. them no. no no no no no no this is a swarm this. is hundreds of them in your face in your. eyes. all over your mouth everywhere instantly. yeah we have no cm so. the pool was cool when we got that house. it's above ground but it's on a slope so. there's a deck on one side so it seems. like an above-ground pool because you're. above the pool.

but it's still an above-ground pool and. it's only you know four feet deep or. something. right but once monsoons hit look at that. oh my god that's mosquitoes in alaska. we're looking at what looks like a swarm. of birds. that's the worst part about naked and. afraid if you ever watch that show is. the bugs. i could go a month without eating i do. that anyway i'm a drunk. i get my calories from the mixer are you. do you have to stay naked like can you. make clothes. i don't know how much they cheat oh no.

they they have made clothes. yeah i don't know how much they yeah the. producer says okay. you can make the beaver cloth but you. can't make a full like. hoodie they do it with every one of. those shows they'll call those shows. reality shows but there's. a certain amount of like plotted out. ideas and you could see them take place. like you could see like the act you see. acting in people. i i have a whole chunk in the book. that i'm here to promote i see but about.

how i i'm i glued to reality just to. find where they're lying. all right that's obviously fame i like. the name. yeah i don't know who came up with it. that's beautiful. [ __ ] yeah dude you're an author like a. legit author. how did that happen i don't know but. you're like. you've written two like legitimate books. that's pretty [ __ ] interesting man. that's a. you're a different kind of person to do. that like that's um. i've always felt like an extra one one.

of the things that i love is you. actually wrote this too. yeah you wrote wrote this yeah there's. no yeah guy yeah. but there's nothing wrong with those. guys because that's probably the only. way you're going to get a joey diaz book. right right yeah if a guy's not going to. write it right yeah get a guy. get a guy well joey diaz could sit and. tell you all his stories. yeah he could tell him right and if you. have a guy i'm just i. could never trust anyone to write so. hard. so hard i've talked to so many authors. uh or writers or journalists even that.

they'll. hand in a piece and then the editor. tweaks it and changes it and. the an editor got fired from. the daily news for doing that pretty. recently because the guy. had attributions in his story the. different. studies and [ __ ] where where he got the. information that was in it whatever. the version and then he got accused of. plagiarism when he has the original. document that he sent to the publisher. oh so the editor was the plagiarist the. editor just decided. we don't need to tell people about that.

they made a weird judgment call and they. removed. the references interviews. how often they [ __ ] up what you said. yeah like i remember i was the winner of. the montreal comedy comp. festival like there's no winner in 1997. no one wins. yeah they don't understand what that. means but yeah if you read. which i don't on purpose now you read an. interview you did. i didn't say that now you're making me. look like a dick and other comics are. going to see this interview. and i didn't say it like that you're.

like the only guy that ever won a comedy. competition that people don't hate. you know because you won san francisco. like everybody but that was after that. was. done like there was no. yeah but we were both completely unknown. at that point right right. but still you weren't unknown in the. comedy world but when it's like the. competition itself. in the late 70s 80s was a huge deal. that's when robin williams and ellen.

degeneres. right by the time i did it it was me and. an unknown dane cook. right i think competitions are [ __ ]. weird when it comes to comedy. like that's a you're changing what it is. i like the festival idea. festival is nice you we don't have to. make it [ __ ] star search or. whatever whatever you know america's got. talent it's it's it's. just shows that's what the country wants. are you gonna compete. but here's battle royale it did. introduce a lot of people. like when they started doing the the. stand-up show what the [ __ ] it is last.

comic style yeah last comic standing. was the introduction a lot of people got. to a lot of good comics. you know i mean that's how people found. out about them yeah. but as long as you know going in that. this is rigged. yeah when you're doing i just did uh. seattle i played up there while the. seattle competition was going on and a. girl i know was in it. and i had to like no you first of all. play to yourself. the judges are going to be people like. [ __ ] morning show. hack am sports talk dj.

whoever they can get it's not real just. yeah do your best if it makes you work. that's why i liked him back in the day. because it made me work it made. brevity important i have seven minutes. cut out the dead weight in this joke. get you know hit your [ __ ] beats. and but i knew that it's [ __ ] yeah. yeah man it's um i'm sure i won because. i was way cooler than dane cook and i. hung out and drunk. drank with the [ __ ] producers and.

wait a minute why would you say that. i mean wouldn't you just win because you. did a great job. really human beings aren't oh you know. possible. san francisco aren't they a little bit. more open-minded and intelligent than. the rest of the country. well the people that hire the judges the. producer i forget her name that i hung. out with the whole. three weeks and we'd drink and have fun. that probably helped. but they appreciated you before that i. was the judge. a year or two later when i don't like. you being self-deprecating when james. zinman won i was a judge.

you're one of my favorite comedians it. bothers me when james inman won. i was a judge any other question he's. still a good comic. actually he's a funny guy yeah. i say he's funny but hey. look black my point is last comic. standing let a lot of people know. yeah alonzo bowden you know um. he lost to that fan which i said on. twitter is what killed him.

he couldn't get over the shame even 20. years later or 15. is that fan still around i've looked him. up. every here and again you remembered that. fan and you searched to see and there's. occasionally he'd be playing a casino. he was a guy that i felt like there's. some really unbalanced hatred towards. it was very odd when he won last comic. standing. people were really mad there was a. certain percentage of comics that were. really mad and let me tell you something. i was there. when he had a set and he [ __ ] killed.

he [ __ ] killed. whether or not you liked that kind of. material or not there was like he got up. a bunch of hatred which wasn't just he. wasn't. you know a young guy like wow what is it. create because eliza won. last comic standing when she was like. three years in right. i think she said did she didn't she say. that three or four years in. i hope i don't say the wrong years but i. mean that's kind of the same thing along. the same lines right like. you're getting in like but if you do it. you do it sure. you win yeah you get eight minutes to.

kill. you can break it up and for whatever. reason man people were so pissed at him. because he was. kind of fresh to comedy right like he. hadn't been well he was ridiculous he. was. one of those scientists that you hate he. sat down and he'd. graph the laughs per minute he's getting. based on his recordings of his sets and. he really did that. yeah on on last comic standing he'd have. these graphs of. laughs that's interesting. why do i hate that i don't know we were. talking about this on a podcast.

yesterday where. like the all the people that you were. trained to hate. were talking about like carrot top in. the 90s how you hated carrot top as a. comedian you kind of had to hate him. and then he beat bill hicks for some. comedy award back when they had comedy. awards. uh it's also the prop thing for whatever. reason a prop comic is a lesser man. right but he's substantially he's the. last guy that's going to interfere with. us. he no one's flipping a coin between. carrot top and joe rogan.

right well yeah and but i i think. there's enough to go around even if they. were like well. i know [ __ ] but i'm saying all that. hatred and we were talking about dennis. leary. who i listened to on stern and i really. loved the interview. and i liked dennis leary and i realized. it was just all that. he stole bill hicks persona thing that. i just hated him for that and right you. get old and. and you go i i don't really give a [ __ ]. yeah and when do you let it go. right yeah when do you let it go when.

we're old. and go yeah what the [ __ ] are we doing. silly yeah we were joking around uh. before the show about uh i had to send. off an email. and you're like he's probably talking to. someone on twitter you know [ __ ] your. mother. like imagine being that guy that's just. still doing that all the time like god. damn man that'll. rot i talked to owen benjamin he's like. dude sometimes i don't sleep. i'm like listen to me man you got to. stop doing that. because owen will [ __ ] go to war on. twitter all day. and jamie kilstein jamie killsteam was. on and he was pretty open about like.

how he would be when he was all social. justice warriored out. he'd get crazy with his phone in these. arguments where he couldn't think of. anything but. he was constantly pulling his phone out. and checking and what did they say what. they say well [ __ ] them you [ __ ]. cisgender piece of [ __ ] or whatever the. [ __ ] it would be. you get mad with it you get obsessed i. just say don't do it folks. avoid arguments in real life especially. when you're. arguing down you might be you know you. might be like going to war with someone. who's on your own level. yeah arguably there's a couple of recent.

things where. friends of mine are arguing. you know that you look like a [ __ ]. open micro when you. when you have these arguments in. business with people who are. far your underlings yeah well just. i mean i just really feel like we should. try. for meaningful discussion with friendly. people. and just figure out what the [ __ ] we. disagree on but that's where i get.

trapped. is i'm the guy that when the jehovah's. witness comes to my door. if i'm in the mood i'm gonna i'm gonna. prove them wrong. and the less sense they make the harder. that [ __ ] wood is to knock on. dude that used to be my thing. i'd always want to argue with people. about uh especially about like if. someone. like had some ridiculous religious. belief. i would always argue with them about it. and now i'm like. i don't i don't care like as long as.

you're nice. i think it's i think it helps a lot of. people i really do and. and even if they're not right here's the. thing. if you live like it's true it is right. while you're alive if you live like it's. true like. we look at it like almost from two. dimensions when there's like multiple. dimensions to the idea of religion. because even though it probably there. was never a time where a guy came back. from the dead there's probably never a. time where a guy walked on water. but if you buy the idea of this person.

and this person's goal for humanity and. move toward the directions like moving. towards. love and compassion and treating each. other as equals i mean that's like the. whole. jesus thing so even if it's it never. really it's a. weird superstition that was the catalyst. to make you a decent person. yeah i think like all human things it. gets poisoned along the way but the idea. behind it if. even if you don't think it's true if you. treat it like it's true. it is true like you really will make a. better world it sounds like.

super hippie no that's twisty word. if you have some mental illness that. makes you believe. that you're driving a cadillac you're. driving a [ __ ] cadillac but you know. how we have laws. and we have like certain ways that we. behave and we have just like agreements. with how we dress. and the the words we use the phrases if. there was a religion. that was all super positive that we just. all agreed to adopt just the same way we. adopt all the other things that we do in. our lives. all the other normal [ __ ] we do with. like the way we decide to dress.

or cars we drive just adopt that in. there too like this is this is just how. we behave we behave as this we. as if we are souls in a vessel created. by the great one. who knows everything and has a plan for. us all and we should be kind to each. other and move in the direction of love. and harmony. that's well basically what all some. [ __ ] that says oh. yeah that great entity just spoke to me. directly. in my bedroom and we're going to have a. different sect of this perfect religion. there's a [ __ ] funny show on netflix.

about that. the unbreakable kimmy schmidt she's a. woman who's in a sex cult who's in a. like a backyard like trapped in a. basement for like. months with some i don't know i mean i. don't know how it's years i think it was. supposed to be. it's a really funny show though and. she's have you seen it wait. is it a show or is it a show it's a. sitcom on netflix. it's called the unbreakable kimmy. schmidt i think tina fey is one of the. people the creative people behind it. it's [ __ ] funny show man. like really funny like so overdue to get. caught up on.

netflix binges oh man yeah it seems like. it's been two years of just as something. i gotta do. i need new ones i i need to catch up on. old ones. uh plug nathan for you have you watched. nathan for you on comedy central no what. is it is one of the funniest [ __ ]. shows. ever completely underrated you have to. understand what it is going in it's. basically like a bar rescue but a fake.

uh it's basically a hidden camera show. but open hidden camera. it's like a bar rescue kitchen. nightmares nathan. uh what's the god damn it google it. nathan something jewish uh nathan. fielder. nathan fielder and he's uh. yes he does like it's for small business. he uh he helps small businesses this guy. it's he's so uncomfortable to watch. i i can't do it justice you have to.

watch nathan for you. so these people with small businesses. think it's a real show. and they they come on and he helps them. with their problems. and it's it's it's so amazingly. layered in. watch the one with the uh the guy that. has the tv. shop that can't compete with best buy. and there's so many layers. i put it on my phone all right i trust. you explicitly.

please watch it and then tweet about it. because it's [ __ ] brilliant and. i'll just embarrass it by trying to. explain it if there's. anything any problem that i have with. netflix is that sometimes i don't know. what i'm looking for. you know like there's a lot of shows. that turned out like whoa there's four. seasons of this. and you never heard of it like maybe. it's just me maybe i'm that and it's. totally possible. because there's always some [ __ ] new. musical artist and i'll go who the [ __ ]. is that and i'll go to their instagram. page they have 14 million followers and. i'm like oh it's me. i'm that old man i'm that old man who.

doesn't know jack [ __ ]. we had a the uber coming here was this. old probably armenian guy. probably 60s racist triggered uh. stop the show he uh he's listening to. what i assume he thinks people want to. listen to and it's all this [ __ ] i. couldn't name you a [ __ ]. jay-z from a that kind of [ __ ] right i. don't know any of it. and i'm about to say hey you don't have. to play this for us. but then i i saw him lip syncing to the.

lyrics and tapping his. fingers oh on the steering wheel i'm. like wow how out of the loop am i. if [ __ ] 60 year old foreign uber. drivers. know all the words to these [ __ ]. songs but you've never been a music guy. no you don't like music no it's not. something uh. how's that possible i mean i have songs. i like. you know can we what's a great song like. doug stanhope hears you. oh yeah sits back most of the new songs.

that i've i've. learned i've either heard playing in a. store. or on a commercial and i go ah that's. catchy. cha cha cha cha cha don't you know that. i love you. yeah cha cha cha by uh. jimmy luxury yeah it's from like 1997. it was on the soundtrack of the uh the. movie go. and then they disappeared you can't even. find where the band is now but it was on.

a corona commercial. and i love it and i use it as intro. music all the time it pumps me up. there you go sing a song. whoa give me some volume. see i'm just seeing the video on mute. i'm into this song. this is great oh. you're gonna have to have headphones. this is great. don't you know.

[Music]. [Music]. i like how these gals are dressed like. they're 1950s. cover girls what is about that look. right that like cover you know pinup. girl that's what it's called. 1950s pinup girl type of look what is it. about that. that's not appealing uh maybe it makes. fat chicks look good. how dare you doug stanhope do you not. realize it was a different day and age.

you can't say that anymore those days. are done. what what's wrong with a fat girl. looking good what's wrong with you you. weightist. [Laughter]. you know i just found out what ableist. means. now ableist i i've read i saw someone. write ableism like do i really want to. go into this is it it's got to be uh. it's handy capable exactly if you're a. person. that doesn't keep changing. if you are mocking someone who is like. literally.

stupid gurgler in a high back chair. exactly you're. you're an ableist if you call people. idiots you're an ableist. yep what about that's how. about that was my last special i did a. whole bit about it's called the. euphemism treadmill. where you can't say [ __ ] because but. [ __ ] was the clinical term because. before that they were called imbeciles. and morons well they were called. [ __ ] idiots. yeah and that's what it was for kids. with downtime and they kept changing it.

and then we kept making fun of them with. the new name. so they had to change the new name to. something else and then we'd make fun of. with the new name the punch line to the. entire long bit. was you know if you went straight. clinical definition. american medical association and you. said oh. uh and you made that stick that's what. i'm going to make fun of you for when. you slip on a banana peel. oh you just exhibited some of the lanto. axial instability usually associated. with the trisomy 21 genetic disorder you.

[ __ ] stooge. [Laughter]. that's not funny my son was bored with. the trisomy 21. chromosomal imbalance. yeah there's certain things you can make. fun of though right yeah still. white people white people are failing. fair game you could be racist as [ __ ]. sure especially if you're a white guy. you hate white people like making fun of. lawyers they. laugh along with you because they own. everything yeah lawyers are a good one. to make fun of. but you can't make fun of jews well yeah.

jew is just one of those words where. it's all in the inflection as to whether. or not. you [ __ ] jew whoa yeah right it's all. about you know. you know the jews are uh people that. well. that's fine right but if you say jew. yeah. like you say if you say i'm all about. jews. that's okay yeah i'm all about jews. i just like hanging out with jews that's. it only jews people would go. hey you're in the right town like you'd. be okay like that's all right people.

accept that but if you're like god i'm. tired of all these jews. unacceptable unacceptable well i. i overdosed on jews i was just around. nothing but jews. for like months and then she just. thought i wanted armenian in my life for. a few days i've talked to somebody i. never do sets if i come to town and i'm. hanging in the comedy store it's to talk. to you. and drink in the back bar and hang out. hey do you want to do a set. no [ __ ] way wow do i ever want to do. a set for normal people. i i paid my [ __ ] dues.

i made my bones to have a small niche. fan base. that are unoffendable doug i got news. for you okay i hate to do this to you. again. but they're here like your fans are here. your fans are if your fans are in la. they would love it if you did a set. there. like it's not like they they wouldn't go. they're there like you have a lot of. fans you [ __ ]. i don't know i stopped with this don't. want to work a niche group that's. horseshit people know you're funny. i'm tired of this i'm talking about when.

it's just a mixed bill. of [ __ ] scatter shot there's 400. people i bet 320 of them are your fans. first of all you know this well you. still do. some [ __ ] i saw you last time i saw you. you were doing one of those weird shows. where people just called out premises. yeah stand up on the spot and you. [ __ ] destroyed it and you told me. afterwards. none of that was planned you had none of. that in your holster. all of that was off the top of your head. which is fantastic i was high as a kite. i barely knew what i was saying it's but.

for me to do material. i can't do 15 minutes i don't have. i have one bit it's 15 minutes give me a. mental hug. just come into the embrace of the comedy. store to stop this this. why why would i do it outside of my own. comfort zone. i don't you are in your comfort zone. your comfort zone is everywhere if i. went up on the stage. if i came to town which i rarely do. i get to see you and a million people i. never see. all in one room and everybody loves to.

see you too but if i went on stage. then i would have this whole anxiety. well that sucked and i then i'd be. apologizing for my set oh. great set says greg proops or someone. and then you're like. it wasn't good i forgot this tag and. that tag and i. rather than just hanging out and. enjoying myself so [ __ ] it. [ __ ] it you know here's the thing though. and this is i'm gonna say this. with all sincerity there's more. understanding. and camaraderie at the store right now.

than any place i've ever been at any. time and even when we have bad sets like. people have someone have a bad set like. how was it dude i. did not connect with those people like. someone will say you know we'll. rather do it fanville arkansas than the. comedy store in front of my peers. i'd rather eat [ __ ] somewhere no one. will see it you talk about it and you. learn something from it. and you it's like it's a weird. environment but it fosters. new [ __ ] it fosters new ideas and. taglines and.

which i was going to say about twitter. battles. i got so much good material out of. fighting these. whatever it was at the time myspace. twitter. facebook before that news groups and. getting into these. angry ugly arguments where i'm writing. i'm writing. paragraphs in defense of and guess what. oh i have 15 minutes because some stooge. annoyed me. on a alt dot comedy dot stand up. news group and i spent all night.

fighting. accidentally wrote a new act that's. actually. probably a good use of it if you could. see you and i are very different in that. regard i would rather just not talk to. those people. but if you did want to go to war which i. used to do. you can get some material out of that. for sure because you're forcing yourself. to think. like any time you force yourself to like. i found that like the best [ __ ] that i. ever write. i write completely free form where i. don't know i just like. like i'll i'll just start thinking.

about uh any subject and just start. writing i'm not specifically trying to. write jokes and. along the way i can like kind of suck. those jokes out of there. do you do that like it depends on the. the premise. but the best premises i have. i write like a defense attorney so. that's right and then you can plug in. the jokes afterwards. once the justice has left yes the. courtroom. all rise then you put in the fist [ __ ]. jokes.

yeah there's there's a guy it's super. important to have a balance right and. you got to find out where that balance. is like when you can get away with a. premise. you know you got to stack it just right. like you just stack it the wrong way one. way and you look like you're patronizing. and you're full of [ __ ]. stack it the wrong way the other way you. look like you're a sexist you're a. republican in secret. oh man do i have notes. [Laughter]. the new current current climate yeah. i'm sure right imagine working for a.

television show i wanted to bring this. up. i'm glad we just got to talking about. this sam cedar. got fired yesterday i missed this so. close i just saw someone. on twitter sam cedar who's uh. a heavy left-wing fellow who um. was apparently in some sort of a dispute. with the alt-right. i don't know what was going on i think. it was about roy moore like he's one of. those things. and um they pulled up a tweet of his and. took it out of context from.

2009 yeah and the tweet was. i'm gonna paraphrase it i don't want to. [ __ ] it up james actually jamie pull it. up so we can find the exact tweak. you know that if you paraphrase it. you're gonna sound funnier than he would. i don't it wasn't that funny wrong if i. was gonna edit your act. this is how i would say it. did you find it he just actually had one. minute ago. here's essentially what it is if you. can't find it you got to find it and you.

got to find the. because i don't want to [ __ ] this up i. can't tell you how many times i've told. hennigan about no this comic you get to. see this is a great comic they do this. bit and i do the bit for him. and he's like oh that's funny and uh and. then he sees them. oh you do it so much better that other. guy's got too many words. he's using too many words that was irish. and lilted into [ __ ]. distracting you with the middle premise. oh. it's not funny um but anyway msnbc. got a swarm of emails like these people.

like attacked. you know these alt-right fellows. attacked and uh. started saying that this guy had tweeted. a which essentially a rape joke. and that we would never sponsor you and. we're gonna like contact your sponsors. this is what he said. you got a thing covering over the uh. it's a picture of it. don't care oh i e. i'll go don't care r.e polanski but i. hope if my daughter is ever raped by an. older truly talented man with a great.

sen. oh i but i hope if my daughter is ever. raped it is by an older. truly talented man with a great sense of. me scenes. that's what it is here's the part here's. part of the problem he deleted this. which he regrets doing but it's a part. of a series of tweets. all of them that criticize people's. support of roman polanski because roman. polanski. had raped kids but he did really good.

films. and he was like you know how [ __ ]. disgusting that is he was essentially. saying. this is a horrific way to look at this. like this guy. raped a baby right he raped like a 13. year old yeah. right so this was a part of a series of. tweets all expressing this and that was. clearly satire. and msnbc capitulated and they fired him. and uh i you know i don't know him. i know people who do know him some that. like him you know. and it's uh i just i it's not i don't.

have a dog in this fight but that's. crazy. that's crazy if you look at what this. the joke was. and then the fact that he deleted it and. then on top of that. the is he apologizing for it no he's not. he's good he he's not. what he did was he made a video. explaining what the joke was. why he said it and the the fact that it. was a part of a series of. of tweets that he said but it doesn't. matter what's that [ __ ] outrage. machine. i was just asked if i regret my tweet.

from 2009 i regret laziness led me to. delete it. i would never regret criticizing rape. apologists. and i agree with that fantastic i don't. know sam cedar. i don't either but i know that he could. probably start a podcast. and make a decent living and not have to. work for someone. who's gonna fire him well yeah i think. he has his own show minority. report right isn't that his own show is. that his own internet show because. that's what he plugged it. yeah and you know and here's the other.

thing he. is he had a dispute more than once i. believe. with my good friend sam harris and he. accused sam harris of being. his name sounds familiar sam here's a. neuroscientist. some people don't like that term they. don't um. he's an authors runs has a podcast he's. essentially an intellectual. very very very smart guy one of the. smartest guys i ever have in my podcast. so what was their beef. sam harris believes that all ideologies. are inherently dangerous and islam. is very problematic and many people on.

the left think that when you criticize. islam that you are some sort of a racist. you're akin to a racist. whereas if you criticize christianity. you're someone who's just not a rube. right he gets that weird thing because. of brown skin. and people's desire to not be perceived. as racist so they go way overboard with. it. and which is what's happening with the. media thing where you go i see. all the benefits of people coming out. and it's putting the fear in a [ __ ]. everybody.

let me die [ __ ] 20 years ago exactly no. but i just wanted to just. for sam's sake like he's not a racist by. any stretch of the imagination. he doesn't like ideologies he doesn't. like something. that makes you think that god wants you. to kill people. he doesn't want i mean whether or not. you interpret that the way the. christians do. i mean there's not a lot of people. killing people over some [ __ ] from the. [ __ ] old testament. you know there's no one out there. enacting the ra the rage of god for. people wearing two different types of. cloth right because. christians are generally better off.

yeah once you get a lot of [ __ ] toys. and yeah you dismiss a lot of that i. should kill myself in the name of. blank that's a [ __ ] good point you. know and i've always wondered. if you look at like the middle east. you're not looking at like. rush lush tropical forests and beautiful. beaches like brazil. you know where everybody's happy and. they want to play [ __ ] volleyball on. the beach and do jiu jitsu everybody's. having a party no it's not yeah. saudi princes yeah they wear the garb. but then once they get behind the. gold-plated.

palace doors yeah there's dixie swinging. and [ __ ] champagne flowing. but outside it's all just sand right. yeah that have nothing better that's why. jesus works in the. middle east i mean midwest where you're. in [ __ ]. indiana and you have fields to. plow and it's going to be shitty gray. angry weather and yeah maybe jesus is. the only thing getting you through. another year. another harvest and you put a marble on. the highway and it just sits there.

you thump it it doesn't keep rolling. there's no hills [ __ ]. there's snow hills the [ __ ] worst. indiana is the worst statements [ __ ]. country. but even in indiana if they found gold. then it became like. qatar or some [ __ ] they just you know. they found oil. they found like some crazy new patch of. oil and all of a sudden they started. building. the world's tallest building there and. all the same kind of [ __ ] they do in. dubai i mean dubai apparently is insane. now. they have indoor surfing things in dubai. in the middle. you get a surfboard and you're indoor.

surfing you could ski indoors. they have indoor skiing in dubai and. you're going to have that here in the. compound. do you have a name for this uh new uh. establishment it's kind of worn yeah and. but plus i think anthony kumia. anthony kumia who i have to give his. props to. he's probably the reason why i started a. podcast it was first of all because he. was part of opium anthony which was the. first time i ever thought like i really. liked doing radio. like the way opie and anthony did it it.

was great we would come in you love. doing it too right yeah. but i remember first doing it going wow. am i the shitty episode because no one. really talked. a lot we just had fun i know i took me a. minute. yeah oh they just decided to do what. they wanted to do with radio. i just thought i was boring because. there's no bells and whistles and. fake laughs and to this day i don't. think opie and anthony got the credit. that it deserved. because i think that they let us they. let us. like they're the best show they were the. best show ever they don't exist anymore.

unfortunately. but they were the best show ever to go. on do they exist. in their own world they do i know. anthony does he still has history. was recently fired i don't i don't know. what i didn't know if he started his own. thing i don't know if he could. know if norton's still doing his thing. with sam norton is. norton's still doing his thing with sam. and norton does a thing with the ufc too. he does ufc uncensored with matt sarah. which is hilarious. and norton also does the chip chipperson. podcast. he does all that on his own now yeah. i've never listened to it but i've i've. been tweeted about it enough to know.

that it's a character. oh it's hilarious it's so uncomfortable. it's so good it's one of my favorite. things that he does it's [ __ ] amazing. you want to see a video of it not right. now. we're in a live broadcast i know but. i'll pull it up sometimes i i hated. making people. listen to 30 seconds of cha cha cha it. was good i liked it good. let people know a lot of people don't. know there's a lot of [ __ ] people don't. know. you know there's only one way to find. out someone has to tell you i find out.

from commercials. that will help that'll work you know i. know corona still sucks as a beer but i. like the song that you use thank you how. dare you. are they a smaller like a corona with. lime if i'm in some tropical climate and. i want a beer but i don't really want a. beer. yeah i want a soda but i want to stay. drunk you know what a moscow mule is. yeah what is that it's uh some drink but. they uh. there was a surplus of copper at the. time so the guy. in order to get rid of copper said oh. you have to drink it out of a copper cup. and it was just a big ruse and now.

copper it's going to be in a copper cup. and i don't know how they did that with. corona and a lime. oh no you put a lime in this beer yeah. that's true right. why does it have a lime and every now. and then someone sticks a lime in at dos. equis and you're like what. like what is this what is this wow. you've become judgmental. yeah and you're drinking years yeah i. get weird. you know i don't get weird when it comes. to drinks but corona is not a bad beer. it's just not a strong beer it's it's.

fine when i'm in a place. that's dark i like to drink real [ __ ] i. like to drink like an ipa. or a guinness or jack daniels that's. what i like to drink in a dark and i. like a. a dark wood environment this is shitty. neon light. this your studio is a great. dark this is a a bar like i would go to. i would go dark hardwood bar it's a. little bright i'd be like it's kind of. annoying in this place. if like if you know cameras weren't on. well if considering.

this is no if you came out of that. bright sunlight. oh yeah yeah this would be came into. this yeah yeah. brick especially it was hot outside. which by the way might get hot here any. minute now. there is a [ __ ] fire in ventura and. the winds are insane right now and the. fire. through ventura is just tearing things. apart. got the alert on my phone and the uber. drive over what. it's bad man i mean it is bad and it. scares the [ __ ] out of me. because i have kids somewhere yes.

there's that for sure. um but what scares the [ __ ] out of me is. that. in the short term i think most people. are gonna get out of there if they. prepare. and move accordingly but you gotta you. gotta realize what this is. like this is something that when you get. a fire this size. it's burned back that up a little bit so. you get the numbers just in today. it's burned 45 000 acres destroyed at. least 150 structures and forced 20 000. people. 27 000 people to evacuate.

and they can't stop it they don't have. enough manpower when when something is. this. big and it's this strong and the winds. are this [ __ ] crazy. you look at how those trees are blowing. over sideways and these [ __ ] houses. are up in flames i mean it's. how do they even have enough water i. don't have no idea where i live. city hall just burned down the city hall. building. and just them putting the fire out. everyone's water went out it was not. enough water you couldn't turn on your.

taps. because they used it all to put out city. hall i wonder if there's like a chart. where you could see. where you could go back to 9 11 and then. post 9 11 how many women got impregnated. by firefighters. like how many because remember when. firefighters like after 9 11 remember. they were real heroes. yeah people have kind of like taken them. for granted until they do something to. actually save your house. i used to do that bit about the after 9. 11. firefighters and cops were getting so. much hero [ __ ] they were. launching it like a rotted octopus out.

of. out of uh what do you call those. slingshots slingshots. they'd have to swat them down with. tennis rackets i had this whole bit. about. hero [ __ ] so true right yeah. no not well then the war came and then. all the that was i think the bit was. all the troops are getting the hero. [ __ ] that 911 first responders. used to get and now they're just hanging. around bars go remember me. yeah man do you know google has this. crazy thing on his phone that i was.

paying attention to recently where you. um you say something like hello my name. is doug stanhope and then it translates. it. out loud to someone else like through. your phone they talk to your phone. and they'll say you know me hablo pedro. i ain't go. and they go through their thing it. translates it and then it changes it in. your ear. to what english is the english version. of that apple fish. what's it called battlefish no that's. what it sounds like it's what it was on. the hitchhiker's gate to the galaxy oh. okay so apple fish yeah as a.

battlefish i saw this it's a new feature. on this phone called the google pixel. and i said i don't think people and you. have to have these pixel earbuds that do. it. or you can actually do it through the. phone i think without the earbuds but. i don't think people understand how. crazy this is like if they're just. starting this thing out like it used to. be you couldn't really talk to your. phone. now you could like you could do a google. search by just pressing that speaker. button. say who is brian hennigan and then it'll. boop in like seconds it'll pull up your. wikipedia.

who is doug stanhope in seconds like. what is gonna. if they can do this thing right we're. gonna have a thing in our ear. like a little uh earbud and you're gonna. be able to talk to people all over the. [ __ ] planet. it's gonna get super strange people that. speak arabic languages. these people in in south america you're. gonna. get i still every every so many of these. technological advances i think about you. and your bits back in the day why do. they have all these. things on the cell phone that replace.

what a cell phone. is yeah well the idea was like why are. you making me read. yeah text me it takes me four buttons to. make an. s call me just call me back then i would. have never thought that. text messaging would become popular like. there's a bit that you could never do. today i could only do that bit in 2005. yeah when it was real like people were. starting to send you text messages like. what the [ __ ] is this you get it on your. phone you go. why don't you just call me stupid why. are you making me reply with my thumb.

well that's because it shows how much. you don't really. want to talk to your friends i don't. want to have to say hey how you been. what's going on how's the kids how's. your sister yeah i just need. one simple response i respect joey diaz. for that. joey diaz will not do that with you and. i think he's right i've been thinking. about it more and more lately. have these weird text message. conversations with people i'm like. why am i doing this i i need to look at. you you need to know i like you. like we're friends if we're gonna.

socialize don't [ __ ] text me. hey how's it going that's a bar. conversation. you can see me in a bar i don't want to. sit and catch up. via text hey how about that one been a. long time. hey yeah how about just hey yeah hey. [ __ ] is this what are you 12 your kid. getting my phone. your kids got my phone number. [ __ ] what's going on hey see me. in a bar and then sit down. and say hey are you 12 what hey. hi you can say that to your friend like.

hey hey. yeah yeah but usually that's the extent. of what i have to say anyway hey got it. all out of the way. high five yeah you can't high five on. text but you probably have an emoji. you can't hang on techs you know what. you definitely can't do you can't yo. you lazy [ __ ] you want to talk you ain't. got [ __ ] to say. yo i need affirmation that we're still. friends. it's kind of part of the business we're. not going to be close friends over a. quarter of a century.

just because of text messaging i don't. live in your town. you're gonna lose brownie points if you. just type yo. you're gonna have to have like yo um are. we still having lunch. yo are we going to the game like yeah i. texted you a week ago hey what time are. we doing that podcast. because he's supposed to set up other. [ __ ] around it but and i've said. in parentheses that i don't want to do. so i'm glad you didn't get back to me. i'm so glad. i helped you yes you did with my.

progress. i go rogan's podcast for like nine hours. and uh we're not gonna be able to. finish other ones it's unfortunate but. what is fortunate is. this is not fame it's available right. now ladies and gentlemen joe rogan. stories are in there oh beautiful. it has an index i do have a i have a lot. of [ __ ] name drops in there we have. we had some good times. you know that the the story that we were. talking about in question you have to. read about in the book. but it involves doug stanhope and i. in the desert the the day i'm sure we've.

talked about it on this podcast. yeah i know we have too many times then. afterwards going to that lakers game. a few days later yeah that was a weird. one right yeah. in the height of 9 11 patriotic. fever i was like this is nuts you guys. are going crazy. like you're standing up for a basketball. game this is. i remember when you picked me up at. curse on for that game. you had a i i don't know an suv of some. kind it's probably a suburban was that. the one i was pissing on. denali yeah i had a white yukon denali.

and you were pissing out the door. while we were high on mushrooms going 65. miles an hour down the highway door. open and he's like pissing out the dog. probably piss all over my truck. but this is as the war is kicking off. that's 2003 i believe. we saw the war we saw the war kick off. um like it was the super bowl like it. was planned i spell all this out. and you well you said it i remember you. said it you you said. oh my god there's a kick off we were.

this is how ahead of the curve joe rogan. was. with technology cause when you picked me. up in that that's the first time i heard. gps say in 400 feet take a right. under the 101 and also you had cell. phone video because you videotaped me. pissing out your door. yes that was 2003. you know the best picture i ever took on. my cell phone this is like. a firm the need to have a camera on you. at all times i was in downtown l.a. and there was this overweight black.

hooker. with a crazy wig on and sunglasses and. she was eating a meatball sub. and i looked over and she goes hey baby. and she pulls her tit out and she's got. her tit. in one hand and i took a picture of this. see if you can find that. it's i know it's out there i know it's. out there i couldn't it's it looked so. amazing i could i couldn't believe it. and i took it with one of those motorola. flip phones back in 2000 because we were. filming fear factor downtown l.a. and this lady was walking around with. her tit out i was like this is hilarious.

she was smiling at me like laughing. and i took a picture of her with her tit. out and uh. to me to this day it's like now i know. why. they wouldn't even know that you're. taking a picture nobody knew anything. nobody knew anything it was like to. think that just a few years later the. iphone would come out. you know 2007 the iphone comes out and. now. you can't imagine anybody not having. anything. if you if you if you're around someone. and they don't have a smartphone you. look at it. like there's some kind of freak uh.

becker is the only one. matt becker my oldest best friend from. forever still doesn't have a cell phone. yeah my friend steve doesn't have a. phone his wife [ __ ] hates dude it is. that's the picture. that's a real picture please take a. screenshot of that and save it for me. because i keep losing it. why do you say that we're so happy. [Laughter]. but come on son look at that picture. she's enormous. she's got a meatball sub in her hand. it's the perfect picture. jamie i want you to order up a large.

hd version of this have some scientist. convert that we're going to make a. poster out of that. that needs to be on the wall 100 percent. at least. nothing else no don't put it on youtube. but that i know but. you gotta remind me of this get the crew. on it. we need of that photo on our wall that's. my one of my happiest moments. i swear to god i went back to work i was. [ __ ] howling laughing. because that lady was funny she looked. at me she went you want some of this and. she pulls her tit out. and then she smiles and starts laughing.

at me all the while she's eating a. meatball sub. that's a great picture it's a beautiful. piece she's palming that sub like it's a. a. 45 in a old west shootout and god helped. her tit the way she's got a death grip. on that tet. it's like she's got some sort of a cobra. choke yeah that's. that's how i have to choke my dick to. keep it up when i'm drunk. you get the almost like you're holding a. cockroach yeah like you get it like. you're making a bridge. you're pinching down on your dick oh you.

[ __ ] you stay hard. you fight the booze fight the booze mr. penis. yeah that's a great picture though. that's an important moment for me cause. i'm like okay now i know why i'm into. this stuff. so i could capture that picture i was. happy for days. because i remember looking at it going. that's real like i always see those you. see those crazy pictures online. like who took that what happened but i. took that i was there. like that was real i was really i didn't. pay that lady. it was just happened to be i said hi to.

her i had my phone out. and she looked at me and pulled their. tit out and i hit the camera button and. i got it. it's like it's it wasn't supposed to. happen. that is that is your sailor kissing the. girl in times square. thank you thank you mr hennigan you're. right planting the flag at iwo jima. thank you thank you i'll accept that i. feel like it's my magnum opus. i'm not joking it might have been the. best thing i've ever done needs a.

cocktail. i get ice right here i don't like that. that lady is doing that for a living. i don't i was not doing it i wish her. living anymore probably dead. but i wish her prosperity and happiness. and i hope she found jesus. the next moment after i took that. picture and then but. you can't fix everybody like sometimes. you just got to let people be crazy. i remember uh well several people that. have. women of a certain age or uh look. where they go yeah what uh what else.

what else am i gonna do i'm gonna suck. dicks for a living i'm gonna go out on. the street and you go. you couldn't like no one's. but then you you watch like cops or. something where you see. a lady like that that's getting caught. in a pickup truck sucking some old. dude's dick and you go i guess you could. you could she could you could so you. could she's empowering to women is what. i'm saying. it entirely depends with the mail. on how horny you are because if you're. crazy horny.

i've done some bad things we'll do some. terrible things we're monsters bad. things. bad bad animals it's a bad design the. design. where you have to get rid of [ __ ] all the. time is a terrible design. it would be way better if i was like a. lot it's a old bit of yours that i quote. a lot is your uh. post come depression is that how it goes. uh post nut depression. yeah that feeling that which is so. like i i really believed i liked her.

yes it wasn't until. and as the semen is rifling out of you. you go. oh oh i misled her i know oh my god i. misled. myself which you know that's where you. get scared with the me too thing i know. i didn't. rape anyone but how many times might i. have led a woman astray with uh. promises of everlasting love and harmony. just because i was drunk and wanted to.

[ __ ] her and then. didn't call i was inappropriate. afterwards i didn't do the uh. hey um i don't think we're right for. each other. and she's stewing about it somewhere and. wants to. you can't me to me it yeah definitely. can happen like that right it's like you. got to re. leave room for all possibilities because. i think that. to trust everyone that comes forward. with a story. like you you shouldn't but you should be. open-minded about.

all the points of view like i would i'd. hate to see. someone get in trouble for something. they didn't do. because they dated a gal and she hated. them. and so she made up some stuff and this. has happened before oh absolutely. people you got to be let me give you an. example please do. how many we should clarify because this. is a touchy subject no. i wouldn't i know you're not a sexist by. any special imagination. in support of the alleged witch hunt. because it is making people who are.

serious abusers and there's one i. [ __ ] want to out but i i don't. you don't have to but it's not going to. but you know that it's real and then you. know the people in positions of power. like that who have people working under. them or dependent upon them in that way. they will prey on them and do weird [ __ ]. to them and they've been doing it. forever because they can get away with. it. and that seems to be like that seems to. be how this town. in a lot of ways was designed it's how. the whole porn industry was. set up but you have to.

there's a willingness on both sides. hopefully. well i think that there's a lot of girls. that will [ __ ] you for a part. i don't think it's that see that's not. the thing it's not like um. again there's a million the me too in. capu. encapsulates a lot of different. stages of sexual abuse variances. i always like to think of it i have a. sister-mother rule. especially as i've gotten older like.

i've thought about this for. so long and i feel like you have to. treat. every like if you're any you have to. look at every situation like what would. that. be like if i found out that happened to. my mother. what would that be like if i found out. that happened to my sister i mean if you. go to children. then it gets really crazy and you get. super psychotic and. because you're protective as well well. although i'm very protective of my. sister. you that you got to almost look at it. like that and i don't think we get. taught that enough.

you know i think it takes us a long time. of living as an adult. to sort of figure out like who's the. dick here is it me or is it them or is. it. am i making bad choices am i arguing. with people and getting these weird. relationships with people that i really. don't. belong with in the first place maybe i. need to figure out who the [ __ ] i am. before i do this like there's all these. different things that happen. in a relationship and a lot of times. along the way. people get into some you know some weird. spaces in their life. you know man show the secretary.

that we had mm-hmm you weren't around. for a lot of it because you were doing. unfortunately 14 hours a day. then man show for four hours then you do. an hour at the comedy story. for 30 minutes about her but no we don't. know what you're going to say. i'm just like the the amount that we. abused her. on what we would think is a comedy level. me and andy not you. you weren't there we would but she would. do it back to you guys too yeah yeah. but if it was on paper but if she had a.

change of heart right now and said. oh i want to be part of the me too thing. and here's my story because i want to be. noticed you can't do it to me because. i'm not famous fortunately. do you think this is one of those like. swing one way and then swing back and. normalize. things or do you think that this but i. think it might be. but as time goes on i wonder if. i just this is and this is not this is. not saying anything like. in in any way uh i don't want to be.

judgmental. but i have a weird idea that men women. when they're working together in small. boxes for long periods of time year on. year that becomes their environment. and that becomes the way they think. about the outside world. this is really important because in. comedy. even the man show remember we had to do. sexual harassment. training yeah for a show that's. basically about. sexual harassment and it was but in. comedy.

yeah we think that we can get away with. all this [ __ ]. so i find myself extrapolating that on a. people that are in a workplace. i don't know what it's like to work in. an office where the boss says hey. you can move up to assistant uh regional. director if you watch me jerk off. that's a different it's a different. thing and it's that's a real problem. and the man show is the only time i've. kind of hit. like the corporate world cross corners. of comedy meets corporate. where yes someone might be in the story.

i have in here that. i couldn't have known when we turned. this book in final draft. that this current climate would exist so. so there's a bunch of stories where do. you remember mandik. what was that man dick he was like an. assistant producer director guy he was. one that we all [ __ ] hated he was. just a. a ruthless douche and then when we went. up to. this is the story that's in the book at.

the bunny ranch. and dennis hoff tells us both hey you. can have one of my girls. on the house carrot top has [ __ ] my. girls so-and-so is [ __ ] my girls and. rogue is like. uh first of all not only am i married. but i wouldn't want to be in that. litany of names that you dropped that of. other celebrities that have [ __ ] your. hookers. he's like no no i wouldn't drop your. name we played pretty women. remember that pretty woman for those the. ladies that worked there remember that. oh. that was the gag we did yeah no i don't.

remember anything we did on the match. it was weird it bummed me out because. like they were crying. and some of them did a montage yeah that. they wished. that that had been the case and that. someone would come and rescue them. i was like god damn it like this isn't. funny yeah it took a turn now i i. remember it now that you say it. dude for me man i was like oh god you. almost like. i uh i've adopted a lot of dogs in my. life. you know and uh i've taken on a lot of.

friend projects. especially when i was young that enough. things have happened that. lead me to believe that i have a lot of. like uh. rescue and parenting type feelings about. nurturing people that feel like they're. in danger by themselves. i'm very vulnerable so when i see. something like that i'm like oh christ. you know i just you realize you don't. you don't really realize. because you know you don't see their. lives on a daily basis but you realize. in that moment you're like oh. this isn't funny at all and you know.

there's no way to. you like you think things are funny on. paper like you think oh this is going to. be funny we'll show. a bunch of prostitutes uh a video about. a lady who's a prostitution going away. met the perfect guy and. they fell in love and and it worked out. and he rescued her. mandic i don't remember that he was a. an assistant he was in charge enough. that he uh. yeah absolute power corrupts absolutely.

well he wasn't. absolutely powerful but he was. absolutely [ __ ] annoying. and we didn't like him but we i still. have this offer on the table they're. wrapping up the shoot the last night. they're. picking up all the equipment i'm talking. to air force amy who's this. veteran hilarious hooker who's been up. there. yeah she [ __ ] carried me through that. whole thing would just sit and. drink at the bar and laugh at everything. inappropriate and talk [ __ ]. and i go hey we get this freebie from.

dennis hoff. i know he's gonna have to pay you so uh. how about i just. uh jerk off in front of you well you. dildo yourself. you get paid we come back to the bar. yeah great. she's dildoing herself by dirk off come. back to i come out of the room which is. right around the corner from the bar. i'm covered in a t-shirt with my own. jizz all i need to do is wait to find. wardrobe i get a new t-shirt. i walk out this guy that we hate. is wrapping up he's walking up the.

stairs as i'm walking down the. few stairs to the bar and i go man dick. great shoot good here [ __ ] hug it in. and i hug him in front of. all these people at the bar who know i. just jerked. and i'm smearing it into him this is. probably illegal. yeah that's a me too that's a me too. that guy's from the corporate world i. smeared him with jizz to humiliate him. oh my god how [ __ ] wrong could i like. it's terrible. i shouldn't be completely out i hope you.

made this up. it's in the book but i hope you i'm. selling a whole book of. hashtag me first not me too ah. interesting. i uh i want to say that this last piece. by mr douglas stanley was fiction. and uh well i had to change his name but. it was a nickname. jamie was telling me that uh trump's. lawyer said that he tweeted for trump. trump said something that was [ __ ] up. trump's lawyer was like no no i tweeted. that one for him. oh all right i've been getting a lot of.

tweets that say hey my lawyer wrote that. and i'm like i don't know i didn't know. what it was. come on how [ __ ] funny is that i have. a whole chapter about pulling my dick. out. i used to do that all the time i'd go on. stage naked or pull my dick out i. remember those days yeah. the dark days and i was i was i was. thinner then. i just have a different meaning i gave. him a bunch of pictures hennigan here. the. the the scotsman i pulled out i pulled. my dick out in front of bert kreischer. on a podcast two nights ago i can't. remember. i can't remember why we were so [ __ ].

i've been begging him not to air it. because i don't know what i said but. i've seen ari's dick about a hundred. times. well so for the book i sent a bunch of. pictures with hennigan to pick and. choose and then they. took all these dick pics of me in public. i'm like you can't have all the picture. sections just my dick so i had to decide. so this one i decided on this not having. any idea it could be so perfectly timed. the top one is me with my dick out in a. kilt in front of a blind guy at karaoke. while he's singing. having no idea but the one below it is.

me. starting to pull my dick out in front of. louisiana. oh my jerk off in front of the abusers. wow. dude you're fighting crime i didn't have. to block the door. he didn't block the door folks by the. way that's not that's not real. apparently that's like something that. like gets passed on like an urban myth. that juices up the story. i'm i'm saving this for uh tomorrow i'm. doing uh. dork forest with jackie cation and. laurie kilmartin so i'm saving the.

bulk of my lorry my louis ck. for that just because they're ladies i. want their f. again solid opinion but i. i mean i have to make this so spacious. time wise because i don't want to out. the person but i was. doing comedy and i was uh a comedian i. i knew back in the day when we were. young in another millennium. just blame it on rafi she said you're. never gonna guess what i just did.

i just watched louis ck jerk off in the. ladies room. and i went what she goes yeah i said hey. would you and she's like i don't care. and as we've caught up many many years. later she goes yeah i just did it. because it was. funny i really i did it because it was a. story to tell. right and i said are you coming forward. because afterwards. when she said when she told me that i go. you never watch me jerk off you're gonna. watch. me cheer god i pulled my dick out put on. porn.

did she watch you well no she just said. yeah i don't care whatever. she like it's no fun if you don't watch. the way i remember it is that she. remembers me saying if you don't like it. don't look. either way it was just a goof i think. you have to stand up. too i think what we should do to. normalize this whole louise hang on. the important part of this is when i. said are you going to come out she can't. because she just did it because it was. funny right of course. and she would almost be put in a place. where. she would be as it's people like you.

that made him into a monster. right it was just kind of a goof back. then no one cared it's only weird. and it was very polite so when i heard. the louis ck stories later on. i just assumed it was like that yeah he. was very polite. hey would you watch me jerk off well i. had heard. from someone else that had talked to. someone and had gotten like the story. from louie. and their version of it through the. grapevine so don't take this as.

like verbatim was something along the. lines of. no it was just he thought it was silly. to like pull his dick out and take. pictures with them and then. i had heard that he was saying that it. wasn't he didn't actually. masturbate in front of them that was. like one version of it. so i was like okay well maybe that was. what and then the full story came out. and i was like oh okay and then. someone had said yeah but he asked them. first i was like. oh boy okay what are we doing with this. this is another important.

beat is my story happened before. he was in any position of power other. than comics looked up to him he was. still writing for comics that might have. had some power. at best i don't think it was a power. thing necessarily but if you're a man. and you have you're alone in a room with. a woman and this is. my perception of it it's always a power. thing because it's. [ __ ] weird because you can kill them. it's different like have you ever been. around like a a. ufc athlete some big giant this was in a. public place.

where you go if you if this was a tinder. date this happened in a place where. you'd go. i want to meet you in public because i. don't want to be so yeah it was. completely safe yeah but if you're at. other times but if you're alone in a. room with a man. it's like being and you know that a man. has like some sexual urges directed. towards you. and you're a woman it becomes a. vulnerable situation. and if there's some weird [ __ ] where. someone if let's just say someone was. blocking the door because i heard that. louie didn't block any doors.

then it becomes really crazy like what. do you do well first of all. you're hearing yes. yeah well it's also like i think the. thing that the people have the hardest. time with all of this. is you never want. to think that it's possible that someone. would do something horrible to somebody. if you like them yeah right like with. all of this with any. whether it's kevin spacey or any of. these people like maybe you like him as. an actor i like that guy. he's great on house of cards wait a.

minute is he really just terrorizing. people and grabbing dicks everywhere. [ __ ] yeah he makes the people around the. time i do too. i do too i can grab asses and dicks oh. that's not what i do. but i know i think about it that way at. my house when we. oh when you guys joking yeah we had a. party the other night i go who have i. not groped inappropriately. okay wait gil i haven't done it to you. and i grabbed his dick just to make sure. we're all [ __ ] good he never groped. me i'm starting to feel a little left. out. i don't think nothing i don't even think.

you've ever gone for my butt. i might have ogled it from afar i think. you might have spanked me once. but the point being it's like come on we. gotta just. people have to figure out some way to. interface with each other 100 of the. time. as equal and just work on your own. [ __ ] but. the way you talk to people like somebody. brought this up once that they had an. issue with. uh a lot of this stuff is that it's. someone. in the same business that's in this like. position of being like a great artist.

like a kevin spacey. type character or whatever and then the. other person is like a pa. or something like that and he prays on. them yeah and it's his show and. they can't get away and he's like. attacking them and they're straight and. he's gay. absolutely yeah i know that. i think that's some weird almost like. reptilian instinct that humans i can't. tell you how many times we've had to. because you know my audience over served. quite a bit of the time and when it's a.

girl that's alone. and you can see the packs of guys. oh i'll get you you i'll give you a ride. where do you live. uh exactly all right let's get her an. uber because i know that's going to go. poorly. you know what's [ __ ] up about that. here's what's really [ __ ] up not only. is the woman. the like the vulnerable one when it. comes to like the possibility of. violence right. she's also the vulnerable one when it. comes to her reputation. because like if you and like yeah right.

if you. and and bert kreischer and five dudes. and a girl. hops in the car with you and she decides. to suck everybody off and then you tell. the world. and someone leaks her name and they're. like it hurts her. but if you get picked up if you're. hitchhiking and you get picked up. by six chicks who decide to blow you and. film it and put it on the internet. and you're cracking jokes and pitching. your book they're like holding your book. why some chick is sucking your dick. you're a king. you're a goddamn king people will. worship you. they'll throw a red carpet down in front.

of your van it should get out and bow to. you as you climb out. it's another huge issue is how we treat. women. being able to guide their own sexuality. yeah. that's a big part of what's going on you. raise your daughters in a different way. than you raise your sons. and that's why it's okay for a teacher. to [ __ ]. a boy kid right exactly and it is. by the way i won't even say a word they. should be treated the same. you should raise your kids to know about. sex you know what if you raised your.

daughter it's a woman i should say this. as long as it's a woman. if you raised your daughter with the. same openness that you. raised your son she'd know not to [ __ ] a. 35 year old soccer coach. when she's 15. because you were open you. told her here's the pitfalls of life. this is what it's about. guys are going to try to buck you you. don't you cuddle women. and i believe it's as much a parenting. problem as anything else. it really is [ __ ] fascinating that. you would have no problem if a really.

hot teacher. [ __ ] your 16 year old son for really. hot woman teacher. like built like pamela anderson back in. the bay watch days. if somehow an ugly teacher teacher [ __ ]. you. like yeah you should be a little more. discriminating but if it was a hot one. you have no problem with it some pamela. anderson like gal. is having sex with your 17 year old boy. and he's got a six-pack. yeah [ __ ] yeah tommy you're a winner. yeah but if you reverse the genders it's.

a horrific. offense like some handsome man has. seduced your. beautiful little daughter who's only 17. [ __ ] that that guy needs to be in a cage. weird that that alone is like this is. where i. can't extend the argument because i've. never been a woman. that's true uh and that's why i didn't. mean to talk to you about that. saving a lot of this for uh when i have. hosts that can uh. come back do you remember we were gonna. get married yeah that was the last call.

you're gonna get married i don't know if. that's in the book or not. the last call i made when we knew the. man's show was gonna get canceled i. think it isn't they wouldn't. that might be in the book i think it is. they uh the last call i made they. wouldn't tell us it's canceled. they leave you hanging on the vine but. uh i was at the. atlanta punch line and i would remember. being in the parking lot and. massachusetts had just passed gay. marriage. or civil unions i remember you called me. up i called zoe friedman first.

zoe friedman zoey before you checked on. me. oh maybe i called you first but she's. the one that counted because she was our. go-to person at comedy central. and i said listen before you cancel us. give us one last. episode where joe and i get gay married. and it just goes into this montage but. it's the opposite of every marriage. cliche where we're fishing together and. no one's arguing. no one's fighting over the remote we're. all happy we're both happy to be.

watching the same. thing and it's just a perfect life. together dude imagine people decide to. do that. imagine if they had best friends get. married as best friends like it's. nothing sexual. in the contract zero sexual obligation. it's not sex. it's like you're we're getting married. as best friends like for real. the bros before host marriage just stop. and think about. how many not you know obviously not the. current relationships were involved and. we would never go. so far but if you go back to like your. 20s just imagine. being stuck with some gal when you're.

both a goddamn. wreck right you're both crazy you're. both 21 or whatever the [ __ ] you are. you're both completely out of your mind. you're basically babies alone in the. world you don't know. what the [ __ ] you're doing imagine. living with that gal for the rest of. your life versus your friend from back. then. i'm still friends with my buddies from. when i was 21. jimmy lawless i talked to that dude all. the time we text each other back and. forth all the time i've been friends. with him since i was 15 or 14. i might have been 14 when i met him hey. doug i hate your cigarette smoke during.

the podcast i like it. uh okay i'll put in a uh air purifier. and that's the beef that's our marriage. beef this is our meat. this is something i really did i call it. the diced clay option. because every time dice is here he chain. smokes more than you. and dice just hammers we got an air. cleaner that we would sit right behind. him. and turn that thing on just to suck out. the cigarette smoke because. the air purifier is belching sewage by. the second hour.

it's just brown tar he's a guy that to. this day i still fan boy in front of i. can't believe i'm friends with dice clay. like i really can't every time i see him. i'm like what's up do you feel like. you're friends with him like yeah i've. remembered them. i've only met him a few times but i. never saw like a human side to him he's. always well he's talking about anthony. he's in character. you can get there with him i don't wanna. i don't wanna i don't wanna see him like. that. he's a good guy man i don't wanna see. this emperor with no clothes no no no. his clothes are still on i'm telling you. it's all right he's just a guy that's.

like. you know dice clay was gigantic and he. got hit with the first. wave of comedy haters like people don't. remember. when i was 19 it was me and my. girlfriend marta. and we were uh parked out in front of my. house and we were. listening to a dice clay cassette in my. car. and we were [ __ ] crying i mean. tears were coming down my face i was 19. i think she was 19 too.

we were both like ah i had never even. considered doing stand-up at this point. just i was dying laughing he's the. reason i got into stand-up he was a. monster. he was a monster and he was coming out. arenas he was coming off the whole wave. of. paul ryser oh yes yes there's no. backlash. yes we already noticed thanks did you. ever notice what. [ __ ] you paul riser is amazing on. stranger things. he's amazing you should [ __ ] kid.

demigorgons what exactly. i don't know you have no demogorgon. knowledge [ __ ]. you're talking about your ass i tried i. was just waiting about stranger things. i watched five minutes of the first one. and i'm like i can't watch. kids and [ __ ] it it looks like cbt it. gets better. it gets so good it's such a good show. how dare you. i'm sorry i don't agree try to fail no. i'm gonna i'm gonna. hey uh can you see i hate to use my uh.

scotsman as a uh errand boy. is there a coke in there i would have. tried to find one but i don't think so. there's might be some stuff or something. there's some disease there might be a. never xevia go in there [ __ ]. stevia come on that sounds like it's got. [ __ ] something in it no it's okay. brian. he left i'm sorry i think there's like. one can of zevia he. what is zevia it sounds like it has. stevia yeah yeah it does [ __ ] that no. way. can we um don't get worse cans of uh.

coco. no i brought whiskey because i assumed. you wouldn't have club soda. so uh i thought if i'm gonna have a. vodka drink i'll just drink. mimosas fine that's a good move we can. have some god form. no no i don't need no i i just assumed. everyone has we're trying to work our. way through this whole experience here. at this new spot we're not totally. locked in place devious. if you want some unhealthy options i'll. have some gluten heavy pasta. i have plenty of mimosa i was going to.

change up. i'm not going to um here's what we'll do. next time you come here. i will have my non-existent assistant. send you. uh an e a rider with like a rider you. don't want to. yeah like a writer like white eminem no. no no that's got stevia. good dude they're good they're telling. you just give it a chance oh it's awful. no no fake sugar is fake [ __ ]. bingo takes the stevia all the [ __ ]. time yeah but these sodas are good man. i'm telling you they're really good.

and they're not going to kill you sugar. leaves such a bad taste in your mouth. and i can't taste. anything after 35 years of smoking it's. plant extracts it's a sweet thing that. doesn't jack up your glycemic index. all right it's good for you bro i want. you to stay alive. and again did you send me just so you. could talk about me no no no. no no no he's a crafty one. hannigan's been dealing with subterfuge. it's no fun talking behind your back. when we can do it to your face. penny can enjoy he's one of the things i.

enjoy about you is you're a very. self-deprecating. fellow who is you are oh you could take. a good joke. yeah good job yeah and you give one back. yes cheers to that thank you. is that a scottish thing seems it seems. a little bit more fun over there. i would say the scots are good at being. self-deprecating. and uh calling a [ __ ] yeah and you're. billy connolly. yeah he was like the main guy over there. as far as stand up and he that was his. whole thing he embodied that. yeah just happy dude i think there's a. big thing in scottish society which.

means one of the few. one of the few good things i'll say. about scottish society is it's kind of. egalitarian. and we enjoy knocking people down who. think they're better than other people. including yourself australians do that. [ __ ] too yeah they call it the tall. poppy syndrome. and japan yeah i think it's good man. good. you know i mean i think that's one of. the things we're all busting should. always be. yeah 100 and it goes back to your thing. about punching. up not down yeah occasionally this. here's the thing about this whole.

punching up punching down thing. i always bring up sam kinnison's bit. about the ethiopian kids that were. starving to death it's one of the. [ __ ] greatest all-time bits. and it's a hundred percent punching down. he's got two. in my opinion i mean if you have a list. of the greatest of all time bits. two of them in my mind are sam kinnison. and one of them is the ethiopian kids. who's like you know you're sitting at. home. you got a dinner you made it all. yourself you know. you're sitting in front of the tv. feeling good about life and all of a. sudden this. [ __ ] kid this starving kid. okay and there's a guy right next to him.

like could you please. just give a couple dollars a month so. this guy's gonna say hey and you're like. hey. why why don't you feed him you're right. next to him. he goes come on i forgot all i remember. from that bit. is send them moving trucks. yeah yeah he goes we got deserts in. america too we just don't live in them. [ __ ]. oh oh it was chaos because it was the. most punching down. bit of all time starving children in.

ethiopia i don't think that's punching. down you're not you're punching at the. people that are selling you this. as as but you're grabbing the little. ethiopian by a head come here come here. [ __ ]. collateral damage that's sand you know. what's gonna be a hundred years from now. [ __ ] sand we got deserts in america. when i say punching down i was talking. about. specifically twitter fights where like. christine levine. who's that uh she's a mammoo she's a. friend of mine she opens for me.

quite a while is her name that's that. was her nickname when i met her online. i know so many people based on their. screen name. back in the day yeah well before that. where uh icq what is that she's a. she is that what is that [ __ ] text is. it icq. i remember that [ __ ] i i was i was doing. the alt dot comedy dot stand up didn't. find the icq but uh there's something. freeing about being able to talk to. someone you don't know what the [ __ ]. they look like.

they don't know what the [ __ ] you look. like you just chat with each other. online. something freeing about that yeah you. know you like you get to. know people just for the information i. just. know that you're annoying it has nothing. to do with your sexuality. your race your religion i just know. you're annoying as a human being. that i judged you for no other reason. than you and. some people would trick you but some. people. you meet them online and they turn out. to be the exact same thing. when you meet them in person and they're.

really cool i've met. some of the funniest people funny online. funny. that when you meet them biggest social. retards they they can't have. like can't make eye contact can't. deliver the light they can. write if they're on the keyboard they're. the funniest person they just have no. social skills they can't present. themselves. right this guy's funnier than me oh wait. in real life. no he's not he could never do what we do.

but he could write. from a keyboard in a dark room this is. chick that is unbelievably hilarious. on twitter and i found her recently what. is it nacho. sarah what is what is it. her twitter handle dude she's [ __ ]. hilarious. like i'll go to her like every two three. days i'll just go and check her twitter. page just to see what ridiculous [ __ ]. she posts. she's really [ __ ] funny and i'm like.

are you a stand-up. like and she's like well i tried it once. but you know you know who i've. been that's her right there nacho sarah. oh see that's uh this is the same. problem i have with my uh twitter crush. is laura duck the one-armed girl. okay yeah she she made kind of national. news twitter at national news. because she put on her tinder she's an. arms dealer she had just. lost her arm lauren.

laura or lauren duck it's duck fan. is the twitter account duck fan. something. uh and she yeah she she get her arm. lopped off by a train. and she posts all sorts of smutty [ __ ]. but she also posts. really funny [ __ ] and i said i wish when. i come to san diego that you had a set. because you're hot you have one arm. everything's already in your favor. you're already naturally funny. yeah there's some [ __ ] funny people.

on twitter there's some funny people. that work at the post office they just. don't get a chance to. like the idea that we have figured out. a way to monetize the way we look at. things it's so offensive. it's so fast there's so many people in. so many jobs that are just as funny as. us. they or maybe way more like my friend. dave dolan rest in peace. who was one of my bosses back when i was. first starting doing stand up. he was a private investigator funniest. person i've ever met in my life.

right next to joey diaz he's like right. up there he was hilarious. he was a private investigator and i. worked for him because he got caught in. a dui and needed a driver. so he put in an ad in uh for an. assistant for a private investigator and. i was looking for a day job while i was. doing stand-up at night i was like. perfect. assistant for a private investigator. this is like a goddamn comic book. and so i start working for this guy. and he's this crazy irish private. investigator. wild man i mean he's a [ __ ] wild man.

he was so funny. and he would just tell me stories about. nutty [ __ ] he did and crazy [ __ ]. girls he knew and you know and just just. the. i would be in my car crying laughing. waiting for this person to like come out. we'd be like five o'clock in the morning. parked like doing like surveillance on. someone's house like waiting for them to. leave their house five o'clock in the. morning because someone's like doing. like some sort of insurance scam. most of it was insurance and he would. just i would be crying and i was. thinking. i'm trying to be a comic this guy's five.

six years older than me at least like. maybe nine years older than me i think i. was 21. he was like 30. is it and i turned it into an eternity. he was an animal. i mean he was so [ __ ] funny and i was. like i'll never be as funny as him i. just won't never be as funny as him like. this is depressing. i loved working for the guy and i worked. for him for the entire six months and he. needed to. have no license after he got arrested. for a dui. stayed friends with him so he died i. love that guy in the book i. talk about becker and andy like two guys.

that are. way funnier than me and uh [ __ ] them. they never could put it together on. stage. i want to be as much as they say they're. trying to be like you. i'm trying to be like them right you. know those funny people you know. yeah i want i want to steal that essence. because i know how to put it on stage. i'll never be naturally off the cuff as. funny as the funniest people i've met. but i can do it on stage and you can't. so [ __ ] you. that's ruthless i can i can bring him.

down the organization as some sort of. writer correspondent. you know you should have you should have. a policy that sexual harassment is. mandatory. and everybody works inside the doug. stanhope. information collection organization like. anybody's trying to help you with like. creation of your act. idea gathering what have you it was an. unspoken rule until now that was kind of. the thing. and that's why we were talking about uh. no one's me tooing rock and roll bands.

like they're not pulling led. zeppelin's library off of itunes because. they [ __ ]. [ __ ] a girl with a fish but here's my. when you walk into the. backstage area at a rock and roll. concert there's an. unwritten rule yeah the the roadie. tapped you on the shoulder. for a reason and you know what the. reason is. i was made to feel uncomfortable he. pulled out his dick out of sweaty. leather pants oh my god. after the show underwear no underwear.

and then girls were doing bumps off of. it. no they were gummers mostly because of. the ball sweat. oh gummers i understand there's a. difference between that. and what happens with [ __ ] harvey. weinstein. that's a [ __ ] rapist you know yes 100. and here's the part part of the problem. is that what we were talking about. earlier that if you got in a car. with seven women and they all [ __ ] you. you're a hero but if a gal gets in the. car with seven. jason mamoas that uh the guy from the. game of thrones that [ __ ] beautiful.

handsome man the gigantic handsome man. he's so huge and so beautiful like if. seven of those were in a car. and it was a gal and she was just like. ravage me ravage and. she's some sort of a damaged thing we. know those. we know those girls that celebrate that. no no we know the ones that like yeah i. [ __ ] that guy i we know a few yeah for. sure. that are just like dudes it should be. like that for everybody it's a. suppression issue it's the same reason. why catholics feel guilty it's not a.

matter of like what's wrong or what's. right. it's a matter of what you enjoy and what. you don't enjoy because other people are. going to judge you for it and then you. got to get to the root of why are these. people judging you. for a giant percentage of the men that. judge women for their sexual activity. it's 100 out of jealousy. it's 100 out of the idea that this woman. would not want to do that with them. and they cast a judgment on her and they. decide that her needs are different than. our. than a man's needs but the bottom line. is all these things were established. back when it was really difficult to. have children. and you had to protect your children and.

most were going to die and you were. literally concerned about the population. of your village. well those instincts just they still. exist the problem is that's not a. concern anymore and then this [ __ ]. birth control and whatever 1960 or. whatever that chick came out. when did that come out when did chick. start being super hoes. was early 70s when a roe versus wade and. birth control and all that yeah it. should be even. you know there's there's there's got to. be some sort of a way to make it even. easier than all this there's got to be a. way where you let the natural hormone.

cells roll i think. what has happened is 16. i nailed it did. i nail it i think it did. 1960. um i thought we could make an. argument for bringing back villages. well it's not a bad idea man here's the. thing i think cities are. amazing but i don't think we're designed. for it and i think we will be ready for. in a couple hundred years. it's gonna take some sort of an. adaptation to like the human. psyche and the way we interact with each. other but i think it's totally doable. if people like us can do it this is how. i've always felt.

if the entire world was the four of us. in this room. we would be fine like what if we were. the only people with what if we were. immortal we didn't have to worry about. dying. and it was just the four of us and it's. just a bunch of food and [ __ ] to do. do you think we would have any problem. at all yeah we would miss the fact that. we're any chicks. that would be kind of a bummer but we. would probably have a good time. if we just had unlimited resources. roaming around. which we do yeah well essentially the. the the world. like it's kind of like this wildfire. inventories spreads across the world.

while this podcast goes on and on. and then we walk out and you're like oh. [ __ ] zombie apocalypse without the. zombies. what if the zombies kick in a lot of. ashes. monsanto zombies you have the grill they. showed us how to use it. yeah press buttons i'm going to have to. drink stevia i'll. i'll get irritated by that just do me a. favor get a little sip. give him a little sip no no no i've i've. i don't know if it's hot in here but i'm.

actually sweating from the ears. and i thought it's because joe rogan's. bellowing so much. i'm bleeding out of my earphones but. it's actually sweat i'm sweating on your. earphones and whoever sits here next. that's right i hope he's ocd because uh. are you uh just a little swept up you. little fired up. i'm trying to am i too loud no no no i. was giving you [ __ ] i know. i just never know when you're being real. no no i am sweating from my earphones. and i think that's gross that i'm. sweating on your earphone so i had to. say it.

i don't give a [ __ ] dude i don't give a. [ __ ] about period blood. i don't give a [ __ ] about sweat and that. bothers me. i've never ocd people do bother me. because i am. everything i would assume that they find. to be. a problem like i'm a filthy i think you. should eat meat with dirty hands. that's what i think i think you should. eat meat with dirty hands if i know. someone's ocd. i'm afraid to be around them 100. uncomfortable. i have a friend who went to look at a. house and they were looking at the house.

and there's a nice house like wow this. house beautiful. and they got to this one closet and the. closet was filled with purell. with hand sanitizer and they went [ __ ]. this. like this house is haunted. [Laughter]. my friend said dude the [ __ ] thing. was filled it was a closet it was filled. from the floor. all the way to the top with purell and. they went like you knew. stern and o a i don't know if both o and.

a but. one of them at least they were all. purely. touching everything well if i get a cold. and. i my my guttural smoker. cough is enough that you're gonna not. want me here. yeah i cough off mike i try to but i. know he's going to hear it and go. think about how many people you interact. with and shake hands with i think the. more people you share. your biome with like paul stamets the. mushroom guy you know he is a pretty.

famous mycologist who's on my podcast. really recently had some amazing stories. but one of the things that he said is. like if you come in contact with someone. their biome interacts with your biome. and you. there's a some sort of a residual amount. of their dna that you're taking into. your own biome. like like you if you meet somebody you. become a part of them in some very. bizarre way i was like what. he's like introducing like you know. welcome to my biome and i was like this. is crazy. welcome to my nightmare and he's a. scientist so he's not like just. bullshitting he's not like some crazy.

dude who doesn't believe in. birds. you told me something on a podcast years. ago and it's one of those things that. comes up. late at night where i go i want to call. rogan. but i'm not going to call you at 11 30. at night what was the thing. that you said listen call me anytime you. call me you want to call me call me. please. i i don't bother you you can do you see. do you see a quote. from you on the back of this book no no.

i called people that if they said no. we're not friends anyway chris rock said. no. well i don't know him anyway he's a nice. guy i know he is [ __ ]. he wrote me a better quote he then i. would i would love to quote your book. man don't ever ask me i mean don't ever. worry about asking me. i just don't want to put anyone on the. spot you're not put me on the spot i. love you. you you had one of my favorite people if. i have a top 20 people that survives and. everybody dies you're in. all right like if there was like some.

sort of a problem. though yeah we'll work on it we'll. decide you get like five of your freaks. i got five of mine. family whoever you know that's still. alive. you told me something about over the. course of i think 20 years. the amount of uh cells you're not even. the same you're not the same person you. were seven. years tell it with your smart way of. saying okay i'm by the way this is like. third hand smart way because i'm. clearly a [ __ ] but if you go back to. like seven years ago.

and then today you literally don't have. the same cells. in most of your body the only thing that. doesn't regenerate is the neurons the. neurons do not regenerate but every cell. in your body. is different than the cells in your body. from seven years ago. so when your memories remain and this is. part of the problem it's become you. become. a victim to the momentum of your past. behavior. and there's nothing you could do about. it so if you're kevin spacey you decided. six months ago i am not grabbing any. more dicks. i'm [ __ ] done with this i'm to be a.

better person. like you are attached to the momentum of. your past behavior. you know no matter what even if you're. not even that guy anymore like seven. years. later you wake up like you wake up in. the morning oh. [ __ ] what did i grab grab some dicks. [ __ ] why did i do that why did i grab. the dick of the pa. god damn it oh i was so drunk. that's something you can do you're stuck. with that idea like we have.

we have to get past that we have to. figure out a way. i think by they have to take those. electric things and [ __ ] change your. brain like. like shock therapy and then we let you. ride when you don't. account for growth and that this is my. huge thing if i. had a a charity that i was. behind if i was on dancing with the. stars which i think. might be how are those negotiations. yeah working that in america listen.

don't you kill doug stanhope. i had a [ __ ] dude innocent's not seen. before man it ain't easy. he wants to die by the cha-cha innocence. project. let me let me let me get this point out. and then let's go back to dancing with. joe. innocence project that's my thing and uh. it's. i don't i've never been uh locked up. you know when i was innocent it's just. it's my fear. and when you say terrifying fear the. entire prison.

system the justice system the prison. doesn't work whatsoever and when you. lock someone up at. 18 years old for some [ __ ] you you. for you grow out of these things like. you're not. accepting that as you age you rethink. things. and you're it's well it's a totally. ineffective way to reform people as well. most prisons some prisons are trying to. be more progressive with their ideas. yes yes mostly outside of america.

america has a real problem and one of. the real problems is there's. not all of it but a certain amount of. the prison yes for profit in these. private prison systems anytime. something's for profit. the system benefits from these laws. being uniform or increasing in. in their severity and it's like so if. you have like a way where people can. profit. like this is the issue that i had with. marijuana well you would find out that. prison guard unions would be. lobbying against marijuana for jobs.

yes i'm like police so we've done so. well and what are we at like. the hour 45 now not stepping on my new. bits because that's all i have. about that kind of stuff but all of the. things we're talking about. i was talking about brian with brian. cowan the other day and we were talking. about something and he was like you know. i've been talking about this in my act. and i'm like of course you have because. this is like what's really relevant. today. and i think that all of us have this. weird thing like we don't want to step. on each other's material and. but of course you're going to see some. of the same things that i'm saying and i. want to see your take on it as much as i.

want to see my take on it oh i'm just. i'm trying not to do punchlines as like. right let's keep to the. discourse and not go into bits i have to. i know what you mean those bits are good. but you don't want to give them up yet. no no and this honestly this one bit. that goes with the entire rape thing. i have been missing just one sealing. chunk. of this bit that's sometimes. goes 25 minutes of too long and i just.

trying to get the point across and all. this. current climate as i keep calling it. has made like that's what i was missing. now i have specific examples. of this guy versus this guy now. it made the entire bit come together and. now i'm off the road. till march i think [ __ ] now i. actually want to go out. and do more dates just because this a. year and a half i think i've been. working on this [ __ ] one.

stupid bit that happens you know chris. rock said that. he was working on that i love black. people i hate. [ __ ] yeah i remember that before oh. [ __ ] yeah he says it he. white man doesn't it was it is in my. estimation. one of the all-time greatest most. significant. stand-up comedy bits ever and when it. hit. i remember i was just kind of starting. out when that bit. was like popular when that bit was like. on cds and people would play it back and.

you'd see it on television you'd be like. i was like oh my god this is like a. perfect bit like he had it boiled down. the punch lines were so succinct it was. just. bam bam bam and then i read that he had. bombed with that bit for months and. months before. he figured out how to get it to work i. got a. hate mail from fans not like egregious. actually. well thought out hey i saw you i agree. with most of what you say but what you. were saying. are you saying and i'm like no that's.

not what i'm saying that's what i'm. trying to not say but. yeah i'm having such a hard time. alliterating this. and everything that's happened in the. last month or two. has oh now i can exactly point out what. i'm saying. right and i actually reverse engineered. it where i go oh i should be starting. from where i was ending. and then go the other way rather than. apologizing and. yeah yeah well it's but i figured it out. right when i get off the road. you [ __ ] [ __ ] but you'll it.

doesn't matter. i mean isn't it always kind of like. [ __ ]. it's it keeps going like yeah it's done. that a new branch pops out of the tree. and you're like oh. this is that's gonna bear fruit yeah. every. for i was doing these shitty gigs for. [ __ ] months. and every night i hated going on stage. and now i want to go on stage but i. don't have a gig. well not like what i found pretty. recently like within the last year i. mean. is that that is all like some [ __ ] that. i internalize. and then if i can just like it express.

or or respond to that the least amount. like all the weird [ __ ]. i know it exists i have a weird set it's. too long. it's to this to that i don't like it i. know it exists don't. don't freak out but but understand what. that is. and then you know what that is that's it. didn't work. now let's figure out how to [ __ ]. never let that happen again. because it's a big difference the swing. between like the audience having a. [ __ ] amazing time. or it was really good for 45 minutes.

then it sucked for 10 like. [ __ ] there is no better. learning experience that happens. for decades than eating [ __ ] nothing. will ever make you. come back stronger than actually dying. on your ass. but i'd rather be mediocre. but even mediocre requires like eating. [ __ ]. dude i ate [ __ ] after jim brewer. in some weird suburb outside of the city.

in new york. i ate [ __ ] so hard it changed my life. probably not recently no it was like 90. 3 maybe 93 and brewer and i were just. starting out. and i was fine like i really shouldn't. have been headlining there's no way i. should have been headlined i had maybe. 45 minutes that was. mediocre at best and brewer and i. had a great time all weekend friday two. shows. everything worked out great but although. if i'm being honest i want to say that.

he had better sets. at least two of the three shows at least. two of the three shows he had better. sets but i had good sets. it wasn't embarrassing and then the. second show saturday night he made me. eat a busload of [ __ ] i. bombed like the one of the worst. bombings ever. of my career ever where was like. everything that came out of my mouth was. a dry brick. and he destroyed in front of me i mean. destroyed the program. like [ __ ] crumbs were breaking up off.

of the [ __ ] low hanging ceiling. you know it was you know those i want to. say that pipes. actually i think i that's i i think i. coined that there's a like a. brick the words came out of my mouth. like a brick through a funnel. that's what it feels like it feels like. you have a mouth full of dirt. the one that i got to do. and i where i can blame the the middle. act like sometimes they just don't like.

you. the middle act can take credit but no. they just hated you. the one i couldn't follow for a week in. miami. was chris porter chris porter chris. porter. you know chris porter yeah [ __ ]. stoner. [ __ ] yeah thin curly hair he's very. funny. but where miami improv at the time this. is probably 2 000. and it was uh an urban room. 60 black well no no because there was a.

lot of cuban too. so but yeah maybe five white people that. are scared. sammy sosa cuban 1993 or sammy sosa. cuban. miami miami okay not fort lauderdale. dark. not west point it was my aunt. the girls have read the first night i uh. i assumed i'm getting fired so i just. go crazy i took on no no they went. they're throwing [ __ ] empty cigarette. packs at me on stage. following chris porter who knew all the.

[ __ ] recent hip-hoppy things he had. all the. current urban trends in his act that he. [ __ ] destroyed. and i'm up there like kind of new with. my anti-authoritarian. kind of point of view and [ __ ] vice cops. and [ __ ] this and [ __ ]. nash and he closed it was right after. this will probably it when it because he. was. it was when france wouldn't let us fly. over their airspace. yeah if we had to save those point.

that's. the point being years later i got one of. my best bits ever about nationalism out. of that because he closed on. [ __ ] france if we had to save their ass. in two world wars. and i turned that eventually into one of. my best bits ever. because i would go up and uh and follow. him going yes that's right chris brought. there. that was the french calling you yes. chris porter the nazis are at our door.

please help us you and it turned into. that bit i did about nationalism. if we hadn't saved the french was that. us was that us garretting krauts in the. trenches in verdun. was that you and me i remember last. night we were hammered. i don't remember saving the french i. remember we went through the. drive-through without a car we. we did a lot of things but we didn't. save the french you're talking about. other people. that did [ __ ] and you're taking credit. for it nationalism does nothing but.

teach you how to take credit for other. people's. accomplishments well the same can be. said for rooting for the raiders. right yeah sure we [ __ ] won bro. right yeah it's a a very bizarre. thing that we love to do and i think. it's it's all connected to the. why does home field advantage work it's. my [ __ ] best idea. comfortable it's uncomfortable in that. arena for all those other people it's my. best idea that no. billy ball kind of people in the.

professional sports leagues are picking. up on field a team of sociopaths. because home field advantage is one of. the biggest things in sports. home field advantage if you field a team. of sociopaths. that don't care about cheers or booze. yeah there's no home field advantage. anymore because these are psychopaths. that don't care about cheers they just. want to win and kill. right that's not sustainable you got to. shoot them after a couple years. as soon as they start wearing diamonds. in their watches you got to shoot them. in the locker room like what happened.

what happened how did he die like aaron. hernandez that guy. was tinder may be eliminating the home. team advantage for nba players. stop hating on the black man it's tinder. i want you to consider the fact that a. giant percentage of. nba players are people of color. you racist [ __ ] they're swooping into. these white towns and banging all these. white chicks. and you got a problem tinder home field. advantage let's just make it easier for.

them they don't have to go do work they. just i'm sorry i'm sorry. what i said come to the hotel instead of. having to go tinder tinder tinder tinder. i'm sorry i was just doing that for. comedy my god if i was still. a a sexual being. man is a sexual being that's uh bernie. mac and. bad santa bernie mcmahon hilarious stand. up. you ever see bernie mac live no. i saw bernie mac live at the comedy. connection. in boston once i was like holy [ __ ].

he was he was powerful man. it's uh i mean his material was really. funny but. [ __ ] his delivery was like like electric. like. boom boom and this name a black comedian. where you go his material is great but. his delivery is undersold. he's got his thing going on he's my.

buddy franklin of jai. oh franklin a giant frank of the giants. super low key with his delivery. hilarious ideas i. met him at the the green room paul. provenza. i wish that show was still on or let's. do the green room with doug's tan hope. well podcasting is basically that it is. that yes. but let's get on show time for the [ __ ]. of it so we can call our moms. show time mommy my mom's dead yeah i. forgot i said that right i was. i was like man i feel guilty oh it's. stand hope i don't have to feel bad.

i will call my grandma my grandma's dead. i forgot bro. [ __ ] chad shank he just came back. from thanksgiving he's like uh. yeah i had to go to my grandparents. house does he work for you. does he know he's december 5th kind of. [ __ ] [ __ ] is this what does that. mean. well thanksgiving long time ago. [ __ ] there's work to be done. the point of the story was he was. talking about being at thanksgiving. at his grandparents house who he revered.

and then how he brought. his kid and his kids kids to globe. arizona because he's not a family guy. right but then i started doing the math. like you have. grandchildren and grandparents that. means. the kids are going to meet their great. great. grandparents did you ever meet your. great-great-grandparents no. my almost all my last grandparent died. when i was 13. both of my grandfathers were dead before. i was born. my great-great-grandfather on my you.

were. alive at the same time yeah yeah yeah. holy [ __ ] yeah. i barely remember though i was super. young. really your great great great great. grandparents are. the people that built the stone that. built this. town before it was a town and this was. all waste water. well my great great grandfather decided. to take his family from italy. to america in the 19 well. basically that's right your mom's a. guinea better. yeah she's full-on [ __ ] sorry yeah.

she's full-on guinea and uh my father. was. half italian and half irish that. everybody was immigrants though. from my mom's side 100 percent my mother. my my mother her her mother and her. father both. from the old country see we don't. realize it because we're living in this. weird. [ __ ] semi-gentrified starbucks era of. 2017. but just during my parents time people. got on boats. and they drifted from europe across.

america and these shitty engines. and they landed i mean it was like. [ __ ] decades after the titanic sank. these crazy [ __ ]. they took the wildest chance ever they. floated across the. goddamn atlantic ocean to look for a. better way got here on. coach he [ __ ] flew from southwest. he was sitting right next to the toilet. he almost had a middle seat but he. finagled his way out of it to an aisle. please smile right with the church. i was in boarding group a 15-30 i mean.

this [ __ ] just happened. our families all just got here even if. you're third generation that's [ __ ]. three generations that ain't [ __ ]. it's nothing fourth generation fifth. shut the [ __ ] my parents have been here. since the 1900s. who no that's just you just got here. everybody just got here. i live in one of those towns where they. they they love to. say i'm a native like that that makes. you better. because you never left and decided you. wanted to be here as a. functioning free thinking adult no.

natives are the first people you. discount. i was born here you just moved here. well yeah because i was an adult and i. decided i wanted to live here. you just didn't have the courage to. leave and come back. yeah sons of [ __ ] [ __ ] natives. it's a lot of it it is it's not even. that honestly sorry that was a bisbee. native not native americans. i know what you mean they don't know. where to go they're drunk. the bisbee people don't know where to go.

you don't have to go anywhere just make. the place. better but vegas vegas is one of those. any city that is uh only alive and. thriving because of tourism. but then they take a stand because i was. born here. vegas isn't vegas hawaii hawaii does it. with white people. a little bit but annoying they hate. tourists. but if it wasn't for tourists you're. [ __ ] farming pineapples. are you fine farming pineapples or are.

you selling crocs. somewhere in a beach resort are you. doing massage therapy are you doing. chakra healing or are you farming. pineapples because without tourists. you're farming pineapples and hoping. captain cook's. descendants come back and offer you some. gifts or you're eating fish that you. just caught with a stick and you're. trading money in the form of shells on a. string. right that's okay too like why is. bitcoin okay but shells aren't good.

how come you can't trade you just paid. me in shells to be here. yeah that's what i'm going to give you. lumps of salt too there were little. lumps of salt. and chocolate in the gift chocolate gold. coins. and ketogenic cookies and stevia drinks. stevia drinks let's do something you're. okay over there let's do something. i don't have any oh god damn it what's. up you okay i'm fine all right buddy wow. all right hey. i want to ask you this don't like. headphones bro hang on hang on uh joe. rogan uh this.

this was just in right before i shut off. my phone. uh the the vagina oh yeah please order. the book. you know what let's take a minute so. people can go online and order. doug stanhope this is not fame it's got. awful stories that in. the current climate if the publisher. read it right now they'd go. we should probably pull this because. yeah so if you find it. folks everyone else is getting fired for. what i'm celebrating having done worse. copy it copy it down and make sure these.

monsters out there don't take it off the. internet. i have a high end the the you have the. new beautiful space here the endless. yards and yards. of space the wolf. you have the giant wolf out there when. you walk in the door the the. is that a patrick mcgee yes. ghost ride you know chaley remember when. i used to pit. my tour manager against your red band.

yeah greg yeah he's yeah he's my guy. he loves her yeah i love him on your. podcast he. him and his twin brother do that for a. living. they have their own ghost ride. productions which is a huge. haunt they make this [ __ ] patrick mcgee. that did your wolf. works for greg chaley's twin brother. that's hilarious so ghost ride. productions if you want weird [ __ ] like. that. joe rogan i hope you're a loyal sponsor. now. of only ghost ride productions they do. all this [ __ ]. chaley does the he does a haunted house.

at the in the front yard. in bisbee he does haunted front yard and. he brings all this [ __ ]. down every halloween he's so geeked up. to do it. it's the only thing in bisbee i wanted. to be one of these guys when i was a kid. dude i was a huge star wars fan to the. point where i wanted to be like a rick. baker. i wanted to do that for a living and uh. pat mcgee was on the podcast and we're. both. huge fans of an american whereas in. london. mcgee that's right there right there he. was on the podcast a few years back.

and i i found the american werewolf in. london. that that uh cop what it is is a it's a. replica. of the the thing that's in the movie and. pat sells it you can order it online. and he um he builds it but it's like. the real exact scales like one and a. half times the size the. real werewolf the werewolf was smaller. my werewolf is bigger. i just texted when we got here today i. texted a picture. of that to chile yeah and he goes oh.

that looks like a. i go hey how's this for halloween 2018. for his haunted yard he does in bisbee. and he goes that looks like a patrick. mcgee. he's done work for my brother i go wow. if you called that and joe rogan. you [ __ ] that was amazing he nailed. it i think i had to. correct myself i said it's a one and a. half times larger i don't think that's. right. i think it's more like 40 larger or. something now that i think about it i. think i'm confusing it with something. else. but the the copy that he makes is. definitely larger so he could work on. like the finer details there's like.

blood on the teeth. and the hairs it's all yak hair around. the head and it's all synthetic [ __ ] in. the back but that's. that's his work but if you look at like. the blood around the teeth. dude here's the thing man [ __ ]. amazing i get great pleasure every time. i come to work and i look at that. werewolf. i [ __ ] love it i love it i love. looking at that thing i love the fact. that i'm a [ __ ]. grown-up baby you smile a lot more. anymore. i smile all the time yeah yeah well you. were showing us some [ __ ] and you just.

smiled. like wow that's a [ __ ] rare smile you. used to be. a lot angrier and i i like it i got out. of that i think you know what it's like. we were talking about before it's like. what do you use in your energy on are. you using your energy on being upset at. things and being this constant sort of. like. uh momentum of being upset from the past. that you never stop or do you figure out. a way to like hit the brakes. and go okay why are we angry what are we. getting upset at why don't we just like.

take all that caveman [ __ ] and just go. smash some punching bag. and then come back to reality and be. like really relaxed about it but do it. purposely like have some sort of intent. behind it to eliminate the demons. and they figured out how to do that. somewhere along the line aging helps. aging helps a lot but it's not that's. just that it's. it's not aging as far as like decay it's. aging as far as information. right like i was talking about like if. you're if people figure out. a way to make humans live to be like 900.

years old. would it be [ __ ] up if you had sex. with a 50 year old. would people like you [ __ ] [ __ ]. she doesn't even know any better she's. only 50. like she's basically a baby if you treat. him like that until they're 50 and say. you're not an adult. i know i know you're 12 you can have a. baby right now. nature said you are ready to actually. procreate. but we've legislated that you can't be. an adult till you're 18. so for the next six years we're just. going to treat you like a baby.

that's an unnecessary burden for the boy. and the girl and. the lack of explaining your ex. you're telling them every feeling that. you have. naturally is wrong we're not going to. explain that to you right. because we want to give you a good. childhood. right you shouldn't have to deal with. all these adult well. that's what their [ __ ] body's telling. him so you better be honest. or all of a sudden your kid's [ __ ] a. 38 year old producer. well it's also the problem with like.

looking at children as being different. than a person. it's like no this is mine i made them. you are not gonna like boys. michael you know you're gonna like girls. cause you're a boy and you're gonna. carry on the harris name. okay all right dad i'm sorry. if i could have a kid i would i would. have a kid. just for the long term practical joke of. raising him gay. you sound like a lesbian on youtube. and say i was just trying to who just.

had a kid and i was trying to pitch him. this. brendan walsh like just go and just act. like you're. raising your kid gay and you know when. you get older. two men meet each other and just say. this to a baby. i think you could easily and this is. going to sound [ __ ] up. i think you can easily convince a young. kid. that like sex with males is. normal if everyone's doing it no no the.

the idea was you have to. still sex shame the kid it's only okay. to be gay once you're married. after you're 18. but you're gay so. you're married to a girl or a guy the. end game is the kid has to eventually. when he's 18 come out as straight to his. parents. and that's a problem if you have really. progressive parents. like dude we got super street cred for. you being gay piece of [ __ ]. do you think you could be straight but. trans you think you're willing to go.

there. let them negotiate they'll sit down on. the table of progressive brownie points. hmm. we're really happy about you being gay. michael. and you being straight is frankly it's a. big bummer to our social system. it's like they're going to think here's. what they're never going to work at the. law firm. they're going to think we shamed you out. of being gay that's simply not the case. we have it so easy joe where we can sit. here. with white privilege yeah we have we're.

not like sam cedar. comedy privilege which we have in droves. which is. way more that's way better diamond elite. status. than just white privilege we have comedy. privilege that's true. oh they're just kidding no we're not but. it says comic. okay if you're going to get [ __ ] about. it i was just kidding. and then it's all golden well you're. clearly kidding because you're not. saying it specifically in a form where. you're trying to disseminate information. you're trying to be funny as well so.

you'll say extreme things that don't. necessarily represent your actual. viewpoint just because you want it to be. more hilarious. if sam cedar were funny all the time. rather than that one tweet he'd be fine. sorry sam write more damn. jesus it's true but we have the luxury. of. having a social circle that is very. tolerant. like to the n word degree tolerant in a. green wait a minute you can't say [ __ ].

word degree. oh that was yesterday that doesn't even. make sense sounds like a gratuitous use. of the n word. no i was saying that in a green room. when it's just comics. [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] dyke [ __ ]. everything. flies yes and when it doesn't you get. super upset. like if someone says ah she's a [ __ ] and. someone goes hey man. you really shouldn't no i'm saying you. say you're a [ __ ] right. to a a feminist comedian in the confines. of a green room right. everyone's free and clear at least the.

green rooms i've been part of nobody has. a problem with you calling a mana [ __ ]. no but not in the uk but i mean even in. america you feel that if. the guy really is a [ __ ] right like. sorry you looked. immediately said again when you said oh. i'm just he's looking at me he's nodding. and i'm. just trying to bring him into the. conversation like if you're you mean. pull him out of his [ __ ] laptop. a little bit but you know we're all. talking we're friends. like sodom was saying was a [ __ ] i heard. his kid with [ __ ]. his kids i heard they were [ __ ] those.

sons nobody cares you could say that the. two. i don't know he might have had other. sons i don't know if they're [ __ ] but. there were two [ __ ] ud. was one of them [ __ ]. yeah they apparently like would find. people. when they were getting married they. would take the bride rape her and then. they would feed her to dogs. wow that's a little caligula they were. off the top. evil over the top whoa yeah. i read that and i i had to stop reading.

i was like okay i can't. go on with this that's another thing. about aging. not giving a [ __ ] but also giving more. of a [ __ ]. when we were kids we're the same age we. would watch all that. face as a death [ __ ] couldn't get enough. of it. now i don't want to oh no no i can't. watch that [ __ ]. did you try that stevia no i won't do it. i'll drink it oh. of course i'm looking at it i'm like he. cracked it he's never gonna drink it. never gonna drink it oh it's so good it. makes my dick hard.

bingo's all sugar-free and sugar she. she used to like get a diet coke we're. going through a drive-through. diet coke and they press the little. thing on the top of. the to show you which one's diet and. which one's regular. right check this to make sure because. she knows how much i hate artificial. sweeteners. i don't want it no cause i don't drink. that for a the aftertaste. never leaves your [ __ ] mouth stevie. is no different. splenda what's the sucralose. it's awful you just can't have sugar so.

try this for me if you're a thirsty. diabetic can you pull up to the wendy's. drive through at 1. 45 a.m what percentage of the time do. you get a giant vat of sugar. i feel like it's like extra large diet. coke. that's it okay don't. at least one out of a hundred you're. getting a vat of sugar water. right at least one out of 100. i mean. i'm assuming it's kind of like. restaurants they don't brew anything. other than decaf after eight o'clock.

i think the dude who's monitoring that. thing is gonna. slip on a puddle of his own drool and. slam his head into the regular coke. and it's gonna fill your [ __ ] up but. something's going to give you a seizure. that's what i think. i'm going to fill that [ __ ] thing up. to the top with very little ice because. he doesn't want to be cheap. oh this is where i was going i [ __ ]. had a thing i was going to. oh this is about hennigan yeah last year. a year ago a little bit over a year ago. end of the world podcast oh yeah i don't.

know if i've seen you once since then. i think we saw each other once i think. you came to the store once. you've been back on here i think i don't. know maybe maybe either way. end of the world podcast i was not in a. good place. to say the least yeah but i will tell. you one thing that i said to all my. friends i said i admire the fact that. you push through it and even though you. were like. a little bit like flustered you were. still gregarious. i can't watch the video i'm i'm sure you. were in a weird place.

tell everybody why my gal bingo had just. gone into uh possibly terminal. she had a seizure fell down smashed her. head on the cement. life flighted in a coma she might not. make it if she does make it it might be. worse than not making it at all. and i said uh i didn't know how to. handle that. [ __ ] i didn't know either but i don't. know made the decision. since it happened during her 40th. birthday party so. all of her friends and family were at.

the house in bisbee. it happened so she's surrounded by all. these people who took a week off. to be there for a five-day party they're. there. i can't help her she's in a coma me. standing with the family staring at a. half corpse is not going to help. bucket i'm going to do this thing this. is a big deal and it was. a huge like goddamn epic douglas [ __ ]. amazing we were there when donald trump. was elected president and. bill burr might have had the greatest.

podcast appearance of all time. you know what it was like it was like. one of them michael jordan things that. you would watch when you're a kid you're. like what the [ __ ]. it's it's how he his whole heckler. youtube thing. in philly yeah that's him and now he. one-upped it by doing the end of the. world podcast he's on. fire he was on fire i mean he was on. fire with the point where everybody. stepped back except. who what was the gal that had a. different oh. sarah i don't know that was all because. of brian hennigan exactly so this is.

where we're going yeah. because i wanted to name drop olivia. grace she's hilarious. [ __ ] funny she's just that when she. was like 17. yeah she's like she said she started. when she's 18. now she's 22. she just. did a show at my house. they were just on tour and uh god damn. it i can't remember. uh something jewish uh with the first. name. julie mcgeustein oh no they're on tour. [ __ ] i'm sorry jewy guy chewie dewey uh.

they were both funny they showed up. goddamn look it up find it somehow. olivia grace's twitter they're on tour. point being olivia great yeah so they. come through they had a night off. and they stayed at the house and we. forced them to do a show. oh it sounds like great i don't know if. that was thanksgiving or what. you forced them to do a show yeah well. she didn't have to watch me jerk off. in 20 years doing a show forcing someone. to do a show is going to be the new rape. eric friedman eric friedman joey the.

first name's not. jewish anyway they they went up so we. have original rock kenny go up and do. rap. first so we have a little stage in our. little fun house where we do our podcast. right and we we can make it a show like. that and it's always the best audiences. never as a show failed there they're. always great because they're in my house. yeah but my the people that come to my. house don't they couldn't name their. favorite comedian because they don't. know they'd go oh jimbalushi. zia comedian still they don't they're.

great. they killed she [ __ ] crushed cool but. she told me. let's get back to the end of the world. podcast. i had told hennigan. yeah we should probably have some kind. of diversity. this is before that night all rules are. [ __ ] development deal well now. when we were planning it out what it. should be that night i'm [ __ ] my head. is is my lady gonna live or die.

why am i here i shouldn't have done this. let's make the best of it i go in the. bathroom in the [ __ ]. the shower some for some reason they. have a shower at the back of the comedy. store. no agreement at once so stupid. i would go back there and i'd [ __ ]. fall apart crying and then i'd come back. out on stage and try to keep it together. well hennigan is still thinking i told. we need women on this it's all white men. so he's just he has no discretion.

he's just getting any woman and. forcing her on stage and you're going. what the [ __ ]. why wasn't i no that's i was no no you. didn't know. you you were saying why is she i go it's. probably my fault. i probably why's your manager saying we. need women well that's probably i. probably said it but it. here's the thing that's important most. of the people that you had on that dais. that that stage whether it's bill burr. whether it's bert kreicher. or doug or me jeffrey showed up with his.

kid. that was the weirdest that was weird he. came on stage with a little kid and we. were like hey man you can't you like. literally can't do this. legally like legally can't do this i. can't say it's okay to do this we can't. talk about the same things that we were. going to talk. in front of your kids like if you have. your kid on stage and doug wants to talk. about. anal vibrators and like it's the the. hardest he's ever come. and you know and you know the the the. gal was drowning and. gagging but it felt so good he's like.

how long does it take before you could. resuscitate someone with no brain damage. like what if she blacks out from all the. comments coming out because of. that let's get back to you because in. front of his kid. i don't want to let me get the point and. let's go back to this. please because olivia grace when she was. down in bisbee. she said she was there that night when. brian hennigan was. scouring the audience for female comics. she's very boyish she has a very short. haircut she's very boyish.

and he's like no we need female. community comedians. and he he tapped her and he went not you. and then moved on oh brian you're a. piece of [ __ ]. [Laughter]. olivia if i did that a discredit if. there was a better story. she should have brought her out probably. she's hilarious you're fired. anyway you're fired from the production. of the end of the world part two. um let's do another one when you want to. do it we we have to find i've been. looking for it since you said that.

um let's do it in january let's do it at. the common store in january and let's uh. just find some random. tuesday maybe hey shut the [ __ ]. up who let this guy talk it'd be. good if you had something oh maybe we. can bring some women or some blacks. do you have any people of course we can. insert into the podcast. well i'm sorry for about i'm sorry. oh listen you're not adopted to america. you're influencing art how dare you. let's do it on the uh the the.

anniversary of the amistad. that's gonna help perhaps we should make. this podcast comprised with shibuya law. sure can you comply with kashiri alone. you don't want to be in islamophobic on. a podcast. 2018. it's going to be on youtube you don't. want to ruin the desert.

no new ideas in the middle of the desert. hey 2017. we need equal parts vaginas. and penises it doesn't matter how funny. they are. come on we gotta avoid criticism at all. costs. i again i take credit i was probably the. one who said it no i. it's my fault i [ __ ] up i should have. talked to everybody beforehand. there was no talking to talk to the. security guards and said it don't let. anybody back here no one gets on stage.

unless doug and i say yes tell hannigan. shut the [ __ ] up. i i know only from hearing second hand. even though i was there i knew there was. who whatever that girl was there was a. tiana oh morgan murphy wasn't murphy's. amazing. [ __ ] even ellen while he was there. too i wasn't there when the issue. happened but she apparently had some. issue. and it was it was a non it was done in. it was all not a humorous discussion it. was like a sincere discussion of. how bad it was that donald trump was.

going to win and how bad it was for. women. because it was right after they grabbed. them by the [ __ ] video. and so or audio so there was a lot of. [ __ ] going on you know. i wasn't there i'd gone to the other. room i did a set in the or. and i came back and everybody's like oh. man you missed this crazy blowout. between bill burr and sarah. that's my point is that is not a. negative or a deficit if there's huge. blown up conflict on the podcast. people actually that's not what we.

planned. you're right but people will click on it. because they heard at some point. there's a big blowout as long as we can. keep sarah tiana off twitter for a. couple weeks. i don't know her i don't remember her. but i mean reading the people that. commented on it. some of the people were like. particularly [ __ ] mean and they. commented on them like okay okay. everybody relax. bingo put out a book it's a not a book. it's a. she her first mental institution stay.

when she was 51 50 against her will like. when she was hardcore. crazy before we get together she wrote. like a anne frank diary in the moment of. what's going on. and she put that out as a book or her. anne frank diary and you know bingo. she's a soft touch and i'm like you. can't. read comments oh yeah you're not strong. enough people on the internet there's. gonna be someone who's a [ __ ] [ __ ]. so just don't go there she does like.

eventually someone's gonna be a [ __ ]. [ __ ] and you're not gonna be able. to handle it you're not like us. i have a hard time i won't look at. [ __ ] youtube. comments i don't want to know yeah. well it's just not here's the thing i. wish. everybody was cool and there's a there's. an absolute reality when you do. you put out as much content as you. or i or a lot of us there's going to be. some stuff that you like and stuff that.

you don't like. and there's just going to be styles you. like there's certain people that don't. like. someone someone in the other day online. i i showed a picture of me and david. tell. me and they were like [ __ ] that guy he's. never funny i'm like oh my god. okay uh i'm i'm uh you can exist i don't. think you should die. but i can't talk to you i just can't i. just don't i don't. there's no i just i got done watching. david tell for 20 minutes the improv. with a half a crowd and i was [ __ ]. literally crying. it's me and i don't want to do comedy. again it was wonderful it was a break i.

got to be an audience member it was. amazing. but somebody out there was like [ __ ]. that guy does he if would he say [ __ ]. that guy if he's sitting next to me. in that room that night man there's no. way yeah there's no way. there was only like there might have. been 60 people in that room and a tail. was destroying. i mean destroying i was like you can't. say [ __ ] that guy if you watch. that it was so funny. no isn't it often the case that i know. it's definitely with. doug's audience do you hate headphones.

that yeah they're hurting my [ __ ]. ears you guys can swap out. but [ __ ] sweat but isn't it the case. that. there's somebody who's like one of. doug's fans who's like. i'm helping joe by saying get rid of. that guy because i just like. it's a competition that's the problem. with. the last comic standings people oh. you're uh. way better than so and so it's not a. competition it should they do that. in your face yeah they'll do it to you.

they'll walk right up to you and go. you're so much funnier than that guy the. guy that you brought. out of your own pocket because you. thought that. this guy should be known to your. audience. they act like this opening act was. forced upon you. no i brought him out of my own pocket. because i thought. you would enjoy him and he needs to be. seen. right and you're [ __ ] i like that you. do that you do that like i do that. i think that's super important you know. bring guys like brandon walsh.

out on the road and all these dudes you. bring out and tell people about them. but that's uh that's a big part about. this era as opposed to the old arrows. is that i think this era is more. supportive there's more opportunities so. people don't feel famine. you know they'll feel like oh only one. guy could be the host of the tonight. show. like that's not a thing anymore no no. like if somebody offered me the tonight. show i'd be like. what what do you want me to do you want. me to go and [ __ ] talk about [ __ ] i. don't want to talk about. i feel like how how what do you think.

happens if you make more money. we did ferguson last night ferguson. craig ferguson. his uh i meant where the riots took. place no no craig ferguson we did his. podcast last night. and i told him i go i hated you when i. first. saw you because i don't watch late night. but if i was. flipping channels and i saw you for a. minute with your accent. and getting your face into that like. fisheye lens thing he would do in his. monologue. i didn't like you until i heard you on. stern and i.

all of a sudden he was a human being for. an hour and 20 minutes he's a guy with. good stories. and he hated he's like no one would. accept the. fact that he did not want to do anything. else they're offering him other projects. he's like no i'm good i'm done. well you know hollywood hates that i. know quit i mean i think that's the. greatest thing about. his decision making like he's like i. don't want to do this anymore and now he. does stand up and he just did a netflix. special yeah and he's doing a podcast. because he goes i got to do something.

i want to talk but i don't want to do it. by their rules and. they no one believes when you don't have. that's kind of half the. through line of the book is when you i. want to do what i do but i. no one buys that you don't need to be. more famous. right i don't i uh i like it to. eating eggplant i eat a little bit of. eggplant and i don't like it. i know i don't want more eggplant's. delicious dude. with stevia on it.

you ever had eggplant parmesan one time. my mother tried to make it and it was so. grotesque that when. she's saying you gotta eat it and then. when she tried it she goes all right. i'll give. give me all your plates this came out. bad sorry. well maybe that's what it was maybe if. you want like a real italian restaurant. yonkers or something like that if you. don't like a little bit of fame. you know you're not going to like a lot. yeah so it's not like. um well i think you like a little bit. let's be really little bit right. a little bit and i think a little bit is.

good i think it's all. good as long as the numbers are. manageable and you can stay yourself i. think the real problems when you go. look here's the best example michael. jackson there's never been a better. example in the world. of toxicity due to celebrity status. like you hit critical levels you hit. some. three mile island [ __ ] you hit some. chernobyl [ __ ] it's impossible. to maintain the amount of energy that's. coming your way. as a normal human being i mean you don't. have any unique dna that allows you to.

deal with the idea that. 300 million people know who you are or. more if you're a michael jackson swath. of your clothes. tear your dna out and put in a petri. dish and make a [ __ ] clone. and frame it and put it in their man. cave and there's a bunch of people. that think that maybe you're molesting. kids and you've got a [ __ ] amusement. park in your backyard and you're. literally losing your mind. and you tell a guy hey man i can't sleep. i want you to anesthetize me every night. in a [ __ ] tube just put me in some. [ __ ] crazy hyperbaric chamber and.

pump in the gas. i mean this guy was off the [ __ ]. reservation there had never been anybody. that famous before. he was literally the the guy with the. candle at the end of the universe. going oh my god i think there's keep. there's more room. there's no one's ever been here before. he's no one's ever been that famous what. happened he went crazy. he went completely insane and died young. and no and nowhere between 1990 and 2017.

does it look like any of what's happened. to him is manageable it's like he's. running down a hill like tumbling down a. hill. and he's okay for the first decade maybe. the first two decades but after a while. he's just getting chewed the [ __ ] up. psychologically physically he keeps. getting more plastic. surgery i i don't think he was ever. very stable psychologically no no i. don't think so either i mean i don't. know but. have you ever seen that documentary on. him it's [ __ ] amazing amazing. that documentary is the first time this. is it this is it yeah it's amazing.

again i don't know music to watch that. you go oh. this guy really didn't know what the. [ __ ] he was doing i just don't get it. he was really brilliant i just think the. songs suck. well they suck but in terms of like what. you want to hear right now. like everything requires context right. like if you were. do you remember when i was a kid and i. remember this really clearly because i. was in high school and i was living at. home. and i was listening to w-c-o-z in boston. no.

w-f-n-x no. no w-c-o-z that was right w-c-o-z in. boston it was a radio station in boston. in the 1980's rock and roll station. and the guy came on who's a dj i wish i. could remember. it wasn't mark parento who's like the. big one charles. in the morning but the guy came on he. played. michael jackson he played a michael. jackson song. i think it was beat it and he said look. i know this no he played billy gene. he goes i know this isn't rock and roll.

because it's so good. i have to play and he played it and he. played billie jean and i remember there. was no twitter back then. [ __ ] with this [ __ ] music well not. only that this guy was a real. dj he was like one of the last of the. real dj's that could literally decide. hey i just heard this man jack yeah this. lou reed record that you. [ __ ] have to hear from the beginning. to the end. i want you to listen from the beginning. to the end so i'm gonna play this. you know you hear bruce springsteen when. he was like.

30 you know like beginning to the end. you know like those they used to do that. you just sit there and listen. and you'd be that doesn't exist anymore. like that. and there's too many this is one of the. problems with money. right there's problems with trademarks. and the ability to put things on youtube. and whether or not you can get credit. for this or put that up or that up. like a radio station if it just wanted. to appear right now. and do like that kind of a thing it'd. probably be almost impossible like. how many radio stations are there in the. world where they would let you just play.

a whole. bruce springsteen album from the. beginning to the end well terrestrial. radio at this point could. probably play you know child porn just. soundtracks. and no one's listening anymore do you. still do. like no goober in the morning when you. have to promote a gig i don't have. i don't but i miss some people i miss. kevin and bean. johnny dare in kansas city i miss that. guy. we didn't have to do it but johnny dare. and i. have enough of a history so when i went.

to kansas city i got there the night. before i said all right if i wake up at. 6 a.m which i did. and we went down just for fun and we. took over morning radio. and johnny dare in passing. he's like he knows my house is all weird. so he's showing me pictures of his house. and he's got all sorts of [ __ ] up. weird kind of things. and. what's his name patrick mcgee oh. hey that was false i like relationships.

gentlemen no i go. yeah my my tour manager greg chaley does. ghost ride he goes all this [ __ ] came. from ghost ride i go to the st. louis yeah that's the second time now. that a morning radio guy like joe rogan. good morning waiting guys. meanwhile hennessey's over there reading. hennessy yeah exactly. i was just checking up on i was just. reading the comments and seeing if we. should all start again. that's i've got a few african students i. would like to have into the studio. for the record hennigan is not.

technically a guest. his name is hennessy but when he's on. tennessee phone when hennessy. is a guest on my podcast he does the. same thing. he'll sit there like you can't [ __ ]. read your. laptop while you're a guest you can't do. that close that [ __ ] [ __ ]. i just wanted to look at he's fine he. was tweeting. i was looking at the because i remember. noticing this before. somebody had edited out the best of bill. burr. on the podcast election night as a.

standalone video oh yeah and it's got. 900 000 views just the best of. billboards he smashed. it he smashed it like it was so perfect. for him because he had materials. [ __ ] held it up it was awesome but it. was great to have all those. people keep coming in no dude you were. great listen you got it you and i have. been friends for so long. i knew what you were going through i was. like i just don't know what to do. i didn't know how to handle it i didn't. know to joke around with you but i was. trying to bail out of it. before the coma i was saying i i i don't.

think i'm the guy for the job. you're like [ __ ] you you're coming to. l.a so then when the seizure happened i. go. he's going to think that her coma is an. excuse. i didn't i but i was in a [ __ ] how about. marilyn manson backstage with a golf. shirt on or something oh my god he. showed up he. showed up like the. end of the movie flight which is the. best ending to a movie ever that's the. denzel washington where he crashes the. plane.

but he saves the entire crew like. and at the end he's drunk as [ __ ] and. john goodman. his drug dealer comes in and fixes him. with cocaine so he can testify wow it's. the best ending of the movie after that. movie watch the beginning. and then fast forward through the fluff. in the middle and get to the end and. it's one of the best. manson showed up where i uh jamie take.

notes. beginning there's an art hood. artwad there's a giant picture in. johnny's house where i'm staring at this. it looks like manson. and i [ __ ] manson as. weird and unstable as he. is is the only guy i can think of that. would understand where i am right now. why i'm here how [ __ ] i am what's. going on and i called him and he.

answered his phone which he never. answers his phone at 5 30 at night which. is. morning for him and i told him what's. going on he said. i'll be there in 30 minutes and he. showed up with krispy kremes and cocaine. and he fixed the whole problem and then. he showed up and he sat. backstage he wouldn't come out on stage. and once where. i was beckoning for him to come out. that's when his management people. caught wind of the fact that he's about.

to go out. and his handler had to drag him away but. he saved my [ __ ] life that night who. are his [ __ ] handlers. who knows we need to talk to them tell. them. they'll be relaxed. [Music]. settle down you're you're handling. maryland [ __ ] manson okay. all right there you go it's not gym. neighbors okay. you just lose one of them guys that are. actually still doing rock and roll guys. really doing it oh my god they just want.

to what do they want to do keep them out. of legal trouble keep them alive. get the [ __ ] out of here you need like a. secondary version you need like. like guys who are lawyers who are on. adderall and they report to the lawyers. who are sober. like you have like two filters you have. dudes who like understand people on coke. because they're basically like some sort. of the synthetic coke and then you have. they report. like they have to wear like police body. cameras and they report to the lawyers. who are sober get drug tested every day. and they go okay what exactly is going.

on everybody like everybody has a say. and they they bean count together and. they go how do. we how do we handle this well we handle. this by the fact that we're handling. marilyn [ __ ] manson. let him do it let him go give him the. gun. give him the rubber gloves buy the. rubber gloves he's such a sweet dude. yeah he's a very nice guy i met him a. couple of times he's always been. very friendly like genuinely friendly. sorry i turned that on. i was going to show you a picture i. can't wait to tweet this but.

you shut off your phone like a gentleman. plus i like the fact that your phone. makes a starting noise from. 2006. what is it i want them sound. samsung used to bust my balls because i. was the last guy with a flip phone. so depressing and you'd have all the new. gadgetry and i was so proud to have a. flip. phone but when we started work in the uk. nobody calls everyone only texts. because i guess phone calls cost a. [ __ ] thousand pounds a minute or.

something. so i had to actually get a smartphone. but i still. long for the flip phone days well. samsung just came out with a new phone. that's a hybrid it's a combination. of a smartphone and a flip phone and you. open it up and you can get an. actual keyboard and you talk to people. just like a regular. flip phone and when you're done you hang. it up and the front of the phone. is a bezel-less smartphone so the front. of the phone is bezel-less yeah like you. could do text messages you could view. the internet. and then when you want to open it up and.

make phone calls it acts like a regular. old school flip phone and people really. like it in terms of like pressing. physical buttons yes yeah can you watch. a movie on your [ __ ] smartphone. i know people that behalf of bisbee they. don't have. cable that's why football is popular at. my house because no one has tv. so they can't watch it unless they come. to my house but i know people that watch. they'll just sit and watch an entire. movie on a phone. right i can't watch it on a 32-inch.

screen. i need a big [ __ ] screen to watch a. movie yeah i think 100. i go the only time that there's that. phone the only time is like when you're. on a plane or something you're trapped. and all you have is your phone look at. that phone doug. look at that screen so the front of it. is 60 inches. no that would be an awkward phone call. you can't carry that around. bro you don't even understand inches bro. that's uh. the size of like an iphone 6 or some. [ __ ]. actually looks a little bigger than that. doesn't it jammy how big is it. how big is the screen uh i had it on.

another webpage this is. when i had to decide which picture goes. in the book and which doesn't because. there's too many dick pics. right i deleted this and put in the me. pulling my dick out in front of louis ck. but i can't wait to tweet this. let me see that i have to apologize. i was wrong you touched it wrong i. didn't touch it yet. jesus christ he's angry. by the way this is a bad touch bad touch. rogan got to ramp this thing up yeah. yeah are we are we out are we going.

towards. yeah i pulled my dick out in front of. her but what about the three or four. people in between. everybody seems okay with it yeah i was. back when i was kind of my thing. sarah silverman's there she smiled i. know that's the did you ask. did you ask first no no i was flying you. can tell in the picture i was fluffing. but. are you prepared for shame i'm i'm ready. for it. you might get it you might have to get. this um is there a place where people. can. view this or is it gonna exist no i was. gonna tweet it.

hmm let me talk to you about this all. right let's wait let's wait. i already said sarah silverman sarah. silverman is a friend and a wonderful. comedian and a colleague. and i think you and i both respect her. as i i do. i don't think that's right i didn't want. her to get into any trouble because she. wrote a. is it okay to love louis ck thing called. was it okay to love me because uh here's. me with my dick. out in front here's the thing it might. not be anymore this is why we need to. burn that. you need to burn your whole phone you. need to get a modern phone that allows. you to take photos.

and get online and then you need to burn. that thing because you can't. can't have those pictures you can't have. those pictures floating around it's. important man. i'm sorry i was the guy that put it out. that's so sad those are those are. developed pictures from a photo mat. i think it's going to take a little time. but once once we get through this we're. going to find some sort of a reasonable. uh agreement where when you can and. cannot pull your dick out. because what we need to do when uh. people are young. boys and girls install a small like.

some sort of a sexual equivalent to a. turkey tester or. something like uh like a green light you. know like ding. like goes off like okay you can pull. your dick out now sir. like i'm 23 years old i've been going to. college but that's. the. that's inappropriate unless they're our. age too which. you know what there's no 50 year old. comics hitting on 50 year old women. which is uh maybe but like what if like.

it's a woman like christy brinkley she's. like 63 she's still hot as [ __ ]. well then you go oh my god i'm your age. so i know who you are unlike young men. you're just happy to be there you don't. pull your dick out i wish i. did this years ago when it was erect how. many people would be mad if a woman. pulled their vagina out. almost zero right like who would feel. threatened. that's the real problem the real problem. is the physical violence potential and. the number of people that have been. raped.

that's the real problem because it's. just about weird sex things. like well this is and which is the bit. that's. been working on is the difference. between hot as [ __ ]. take it or leave it yo come on. [ __ ] christy brinkley does not. live a human life in perfect lighting. with perfect makeup. you don't need that you just glasses. dark ones with. no at some point she's hunched over like. i am with this posture. wearing reading glasses thicker than.

ours trying to focus. on something on a laptop and that spill. belly is hanging over her [ __ ]. because eight kids came out of it that's. when you both put on mascot. masks like you are the squirrel and. she's the raccoon. and you guys just [ __ ] by the fire light. just get right in front of that goddamn. fireplace and. go to town molly so. overrated because it leads to all these. problems. it certainly can it certainly can lead.

to uh. like a weird unofficial bond with people. right like like if everybody. imagine this if everyone is like hugging. people like committing to hugging people. was like as intimate as committing to. having sex with people. well hugging people is really quick. right. and no one says oh he hugged too soon. he i was i was i was hoping it was going. to be a long hug. but his hug was done like in seconds.

like he was a teenager on his first hug. like the. the man does not have the right to pull. out of the hug. before the woman wants to end the hug. like the period. we all know this can you hug twice in a. night no. no don't do it because the second hug. will be unenthusiastic and not. representative of your soul. who you are as a spiritual being you. need to only hug. [ __ ] once a week once. porn has changed the game porn has.

ruined. [ __ ] and it's continuing to ruin. [ __ ] like that it's just setting you. up for robot [ __ ] dolls have you seen. that stripper. uh robot that gyrates on the strip in. the uh the pole. there's a robot that goes on the. stripper pole and the ro it's clearly a. robot you see all the mechanical parts. but it's moving his ass. like some beautiful woman with like a. perfect ass okay okay. like we are so close to not being able. to tell like. i don't know if we understand what. exponential increases in technology are.

look at this. look at this robot she's gyrating on. this pole so she's holding this pole. okay well right now you can see her. joints and all that stuff and i know. she's not a human even though she's. wearing high-heeled shoes. how many more years do we have before. that is fixed but how. how often did you need that you went to. see strippers because you. wanted the threat of getting [ __ ] you. didn't. need her to spin around a brass pole if. she was just there. vacant robotic and ass.

a splay and a kimbo you just [ __ ] her. you wouldn't go. i need you to dance i need to want it. more. all that does is make you want it when. you didn't want it. to begin with oh i didn't think about. [ __ ] till she did all that thing. on the brass pole now i have a boner now. i'm. using that as my leader. do you know what i'm saying not. particularly yeah. if you weren't thinking about [ __ ]. brian and then there's a girl. dancing around a brass pole shaking her.

ass. oh now i have a boner now i'm thinking. about [ __ ] where i would have just. talked to you well if a girl is just. sitting outside reading a book not. thinking about [ __ ]. and jason momoa shows up and he's in an. open shirt like some sort. who is this guy that you're fantasizing. from the game of the thrones. put him on put him on and he's he's. chopping travis. his name travis jamie jamie he's. chopping wood with a giant axe and the. girls get all juicy. just looking at him because he's perfect. that's him.

shut the [ __ ] up come on i was gonna say. with a nipple ring but that was the. cursor. yeah come on it's a handsome man he's. very friendly too. i met him at whole foods you're not you. say he's not because you're not a woman. by the way it's about six months there's. a baseball giant person what's his name. from the nationals the most beautiful. man in sports i always call him jason. uh he's the the guy with the big beard. from the nationals. he's [ __ ] gorgeous but that guy's a. muscle bound. you're into weird dudes i'm gonna have. to say this.

the girls like worse. worth with an e w-e-r-t-h that guy is. [ __ ] gorgeous okay. yes it is it is why why do you have an. issue with jason we're going to. end this podcast with a twitter ability. who do you like. ladies because you know we both have 80. male fan bases. more than that i went on instagram i. looked at jason. okay i'm with you he's beautiful that's. the one the one you were just touching. that's the one. look at his traps [ __ ] that guy i bet.

he looks great naked. i've been making photos of jason worth. dick. a giant one not even one of those ladies. are you ladies listening. jason worth or jason momoa oh. battle of the jason's battle of the. jason's listen it's just a matter of. like what do you want to do. do you want to listen to martian or do. you want to live on the beach and raise. your kids in the sand. okay you got to pick your poison i have. no idea jason moaz like he came over on. a [ __ ] raft. like he's like some kind of polynesian.

god he's from hawaii. it's like it's kind of uh the most. expensive state to live in. only for once a refugee for white people. you're not even paying attention. do you know how many islands are in. hawaii bro so racist. five. so is this a bonus question. do you smell like smoke enough that. you're gonna get in trouble when you get. home. no how old are your kids now seven and.

nine for the young ones i've got a uh. uh daddy smells like cigarette smoke. i've got shirts here that i could change. but it's good that you did this you. chain smoke through this because we. realized this system. sucks yeah i noticed that whoever is. making the system i've been breathing it. i've definitely got a second hand. nicotine. high it should be called the stand. hopefully the air just raises it doesn't. work. no it didn't yeah jason didn't tell me. before. you showed up uh you gotta think like a. bar think of a bar. don't think like your grandma smoking.

occasionally in the bathroom. he said i said didn't rogan put this. system in. specifically for me and he goes i think. so. definitely for you and dice clay yeah. natal. yeah he's another one he can't live. without the cigarettes we're outside he. just keeps going. i just did five days off of them coming. into this did you really wait for five. day quit everything for five days except. medicinal drinking do a couple shots of. whiskey because at this point. can't quit cold turkey very dangerous. deadly. i understand so now when you uh what was.

harder. um like what does it feel like to take. five days off of cigarettes. when i do it my way perfect fantastic. because. i no one can come around me if i don't. have to do a phone or. write a thing write a book do when you. write do you like to smoke. that's the hardest thing of everything. says that too doing stand-up writing is. that's where it's integral to the.

process. chain smoking tap tap tap smoke tap tap. tap smoke. whiskey drink tap tap tap yeah. everything else i get over. writing was the only you know what i. find like sometimes. some of my best bets have been me drunk. on an airplane. i i have the exact opposite where i talk. about. i get off an airplane drunk and i have. stacks of cocktail napkins i say if it. says. delta on the napkin this joke sucks.

and they're not even jokes they're. pontificating. what about this and that maybe twice. in 20 years i've gotten good bits off a. drunk airplane. twice in 20 years a good number though. if you could find one thing. where you could do like 300 times you. get 20 great bits or twice. you know two great even two like you. like think about how many days. you spend trying to write to get two. great bits it's uh. the amount of bad bits though where i.

yeah i'm embarrassed. to have the napkin in my pocket like. what the [ __ ] does this see. you have those saved owen smith has a. great show. he's doing where he has you pull out. your old notebooks. [ __ ] [ __ ] brian hannigan told. me. no no we're gonna make a show out of. this brian hannigan you lazy [ __ ] your. first. notebook doing it for a while my first. notebook where you have to go and. read the [ __ ] you wrote in 1990 that you. thought was brilliant.

yes well here's the thing we're trying. to say this is a show. don't tweet about it why does it have to. be isolated. for an individual how come you can't do. it as well. see how he just shut the [ __ ] up because. he knows he's wrong well no. actually joe just made my point. you weren't listening to him i think. there's anything wrong with you going. over your. your notebook but going into other. people's notebooks. then you're sort of like if you decide. like hey i'm doug stanhope but i want to. break out my notebook and tell you how. [ __ ] terrible my 1999.

benjamin goes into other people's. notebooks no owen smith. not owen benjamin owen benjamin's. upstate new york owen smith. l.a hilarious comedian he goes into. yours. i had to bring out my [ __ ] i brought out. some [ __ ] from 1990. i had some like 1991 notebooks they were. terrible i had like orchestrated crowd. work. then you asked the crowd this and. they're like yeah we like [ __ ] girls. oh oh it was brutal it was so so. i want to be on that show since i. created it.

but by creator. feeding the flowers owen smith good on. you. for doing it first how long ago did you. guys come up with the idea. when when everyone else was coming up. with other i did it about a year ago. in the last three years yeah i did his. thing within a year. and he already had it like he's been. filming it i i am not. hey comedy police that are civilians. listening. don't you i'm not saying he stole my.

idea i'm saying. no it's the who it's the listeners that. think they are the comedy police. don't talk to dummies just let them be. dummies. hate it hey so-and-so was doing your po. i saw so and so did your bit he was. talking about. porn and you talk about porn um you. [ __ ]. shut up let us police ourselves i was. going to register the bid but i had to. patch the tires for. a road trip you're going so.

irish which is better because he hates. the irish. i was about to i was about to fight are. we closing this podcast because i'm. saving a piss. either i'm gonna piss just let it go and. let's. slide that book over here. first of all what's important is uh. diversity. we'd like to have more diversity in this. diversity diversity. diversity is.

is that me heckling myself okay doug. stanhope. australia and april he's going to be in. adelaide brisbane canberra. uh melbourne perth sydney and uh. also will be oh don't you don't tickle. me man if you come to the end of the. rainbow there'll be a bucket of gold for. your lad.

so you're so irishing him and it makes. him even snappier. also we're doing the far east before. that we're also doing hong kong. singapore ho chi minh city please don't. be racist. i don't i can't have this on my podcast. ho chi minh. god he's still a guy it's true i think. he's still over there yeah yeah. i think he does a karaoke or something i. don't know. so dougsanhope.com yeah yeah just go. there buy the book. here's the book ladies and gentlemen i. really need the money is not fame.

one of my all-time favorite humans. douglas stanhope ladies and gentlemen. brian hennigan you know we love you. thank you we [ __ ] with you because you. tolerate it. you gotta fight back oh yeah okay you. can't keep taking this from us this is. not right it makes me feel bad. we go after you and we team up on you i. just feel and i'm like please fire back. mr hannigan somewhere a storm is brewing. your new nickname is hennessy though. accept it accept it you need to get you. a censor. everywhere you go somewhere better than. shenanigan or.

heineken which everyone thinks is. hilarious brian shenanigans. i like that even better that's like the. verbal equivalent of the hawaiian shirt. you just gave us two we have to choose. from brian shenanigans. uh heineken no he said he's too he hates. worse so now we have to choose from i. like tennessee because it makes him. uncomfortable because it's associated. with african-americans. what so i like that better oh yeah oh i. didn't know that. i'm from another land we don't have. i plead ignorance i didn't know nothing.

about your cuevasier. what mad dog 2020. purple dragon was a. good purple. drank dragon vision drank is past tense. what's this purple drink. i happen to like mickey's as you know do. you drink orange. soda and eat fried chicken around black. people or no i beg your pardon he. doesn't exactly. he's never around black people we. cloister him is that a word. i gotta pee come douglas is running away.

i told you via text i was gonna wear my. uh brown print uh yeah and i. i came in my pajamas you know i'm sorry. i came here he looks very comfortable. dressed up i like comfort. uh this is not fame by douglas stanhope. uh forward by drew prinsky. md dr drew wrote the forward yeah. all right all right it's a great forward. was dr phil busy. so.

mr hennessy always good to see you my. brother thank you very much thank you. for having me always great to be. here you know we love you right no okay. this is a very impressive. facility thanks sir all right folks. we'll be back tomorrow with the. the great and powerful chris stapleton. one of my favorite musicians tomorrow. wow. you.