Oprah & Jillian Turecki on Looking Within to Improve Your Relationships

Hi there. So glad to be with you here on. the Oprah podcast. This is where we are. having conversations around ideas that I. certainly hope are going to make your. life better, more enhanced, and maybe. you'll see yourself in my guests or hear. something that sparks a new way of. thinking about something that you're. struggling with. You'll have an aha to. remind you of what you know and what. your true wisdom has always been. My. guest today says, "Our.

relationships determine our happiness in. life." Well, isn't that just the truth? And if you're like me, if my. relationships are out of whack or not in. a good place, then everything else is. offkilter. Like when you have an. argument with somebody who's close to. you and you love, it throws everything. else off. And there is no happiness. without first taking care of our. relationships. And so I'm so happy that. Jillian Terki, who is a certified.

relationship coach, a teacher, and host. of the hit podcast Julian on Love, almost three million of you are. following her advice on Instagram. Well, Jillian wrote a book, her very first. book called It Begins with You, the nine. hard truths about love that will change. your life. So, welcome to the tea house. Ah, thank you for having me. Every. relationship we've ever had will reflect. back to us the relationship we have with.

ourselves. Period. End of story. Jillian. Terki is a rising star in relationship. advice. And it is not your job to try to. convince someone to be ready for you or. to choose you. Her smart nononsense. guidance is resonating with a growing. loyal audience. Some relationships don't. work out because you both were too. immature to make it work out. Her book, It Begins With You, was an instant New. York Times bestseller. Her hit podcast, Jillian on Love, is being called one of. the best relationship podcasts. And she.

is the daughter of renowned psychiatrist. Dr. Stanley Terki, whose 1985 book, The. Difficult Child, was once considered the. definitive work on dealing with what. were then called hard to raise children. And you write on page 214, I was a. highly sensitive child who felt his. darkness so intensely it disturbed me. Yes. Did you and your father ever find. peace? So many people have been telling me to. have Julian on my podcast. I'm just.

terrified of not being enough. The fear. of pain is making you push away good. men. I want you to make a deeper. connection and sometimes that deep. connection doesn't come on the first. date. If you're ready to find out how. all your relationships begin with you, this is your episode. Just go for it. Go. for it. I see that you are in a moment. Do you. feel that moment for yourself? I do.

absolutely feel like I'm in a moment. I. call it a moment of rising. Um because. someone mentioned you to me. Have I seen. your new book? And then someone else. mentioned your name and then my niece. Cres sent me a video. And so I'm. thinking, and this is all within a. period of two or three days. So I'm. thinking, okay, that's the magic of three. Let's. call Jillian. And then I find out that. we have this longtime connection that I.

I didn't even know about. So how are you. navigating the rise? I'm navigating it. You know, it's it's a. wild ride. It's a wild ride. It's. exactly that I navigate it by staying. grounded through my yoga practice, through. meditation and through just trying to. stay as present as I can. Mhm. I think. that's the key for all things really. So, I want to start at the beginning of. the book. I mean, whoa, did you have a. wham damn doozle of the beginning of a.

book? Yeah. You say that on June 2nd, 2014, my life fell apart, um my mother had recently been diagnosed. with uh terminal cancer, you say? Yes. And given three months to live, and you. say that morning, I suffered my third. miscarriage and my husband left me. He. broke up with me over the phone. I woke. up that morning. And it was a very early.

pregnancy and I woke up that morning to. bleeding and it occurred to me that what. was happening. You were having a. miscarriage. Yes. And he he was already. at work cuz he had to go to work really. early and I called him and I said, "I. have to go to the gynecologist just to. get blood work to make sure that this is. what's happening." Yeah. Can you come. with me? Can you meet me there? And he. said, "No, I'm really busy at work." And. I said, "Okay." Okay. So, I went by. myself and this was something I had to. do by myself before. Yeah. And, uh, then.

it was confirmed and so, um, I came home. and I text him saying, "What time are. you going to be home tonight?" And he. said, "I'm going to stay at my. parents." And I said, and I knew in my. bones, in my body, that he was. fleeing. And I said, "Well, what do you. mean?" And then I called him. And what. ensued was a conversation where he was. basically telling me that we are on two.

different. paths. And I was I went a little. hysterical cuz I thought, you know, you. can't do this this way. You can't do it. like this. That's very wrong. I kept. saying to him, it's not the right thing. to do and you're going to regret it. Yeah. And you're going to have and. you're the one who's going to have to. live with that for the rest of your. life. But he did. He never. Yes. Did we. see each other again? For sure. But did. he ever come home again? Never again.

Wow. And you felt what? Devastation. Devastation. Yeah. Devastation. I I. remember having this thought. Oh, this. is what it means when someone says that. their world has completely fallen apart. This is what it means when everything. Your mom's been given three months to. live with terminal cancer. You've had. your third miscarriage. And your husband. says, "I'm not coming home." Yes. And. it's just not working out for me. Had. you sensed that it wasn't working? We. had problems. I always had that before.

we got married, our relationship was. about 90% great and 10% very. problematic. Now, you could say, "Well, that's a pretty good stat." But the 10%. that was problematic was profoundly. problematic. The things that I today I. would never ignore. So people think that. when they get married their problems are. going to go away, but that the marriage. is going to heal that thing. The. marriage is going to heal it. No, the. marriage only only shines a light. It. puts a big big magnifying glass on it.

Correct. That's what it does. So then. the 10% became the 90%. And the 90%. became the 10%. So our marriage was very. problematic, somewhat focused around the. fact that I wanted to wait to have. children. He wanted children right away. we didn't have those important. conversations. And um he started to do. this thing where if he were upset with. me, he would completely withdraw and. completely shut down, which was a.

humongous trigger for me. And he did it. a little bit before we got married. And. there was something very significant. that happened before we married where he. pulled away. And I didn't handle it in a. way that I would have handled it today. that if if you had been more mature or. wisened, Yes. you would have said, "Uh-uh. Yes. Not me. Not me." Or more uh. courageous and more um sure of myself. And. so you picked yourself off off the.

floor. You were devastated. Yeah. And. how how long after that moment were you. able to start to rebuild? Well, when that happened, I became. obsessed with two things. One, how am I. going to get myself out of this hole? How am I going to get myself off the. ground? Yes. And two, what makes a. relationship work? because I could not. believe I mean now looking back I can. understand it but at the time I could. not believe that I was 40 and uh getting.

a divorce or separated and that this was. this was my destiny that's how I thought. of that that's not the narrative you had. written for yourself and I could not. believe that I was in this position I. had been a yogi for many years I. considered myself to be mature I. considered myself to be self-aware. um and so it was shock talking to me and. I thought I need to figure this out. I. must figure this out. And it became an. obsession. Oh. So, let's talk about your.

father for a moment. Famed psychiatrist. Dr. Stanley Terki. I remember him. In. 1985, he wrote a best-selling book. called The Difficult Child. And I. remember having him on the Oprah show uh. a couple times. and people really loving his advice. because the advice was all about how to. handle the difficult child. And part of. that uh part of that theory was it's not. your fault if you have a difficult. child. Children are just born that way.

and these are the things you need to do. Now, isn't part of the problem that. parents want their children to conform. to whatever their needs are at the. moment? That is part of the problem. And. if you have one of these children of a. kind that I described, they almost. always are highly individualistic, very. interesting, and they don't give in. easily. And so, you can have a lot of. power struggles between a parent who. says this is the way it should be and. the child who simply will not give up on. their own preferences. What was what was.

the premise of that book in your mind? Yeah. That that children are born with a. we're all born with a specific genetic. makeup, right? That gives that makes it. so that we have a proclivity towards a. certain um uh personality or certain he. wouldn't you he didn't use this word but. like a certain nervous system a certain. way of being and that you might have. this difficult child that is just their. nature and that is just their nature. And so if you are struggling, here's the.

compassion. You know, it's not you. It's. not your fault. You didn't create this. And here are the tools on how to create. more peace in in your family life. because the difficult child is. definitely disrupting. Okay. So, here's. our connection. It turns out you were. the difficult child he was talking about. in the title. How did that label impact. you? Well, hugely because he mentioned. me in the book and uh the new edition he. took that out for my request. Um so of.

course as a young child I was like I'm. famous. This is amazing. I felt. significant. I felt like a book is being. written about me. This is amazing. Yes. And then as I started to get older I. realized wow this label is like a heavy. bag that's resting on my shoulders that. I can't get off. that follows me. wherever I go. And so if I He did say. you were funny and you had other. personality traits that were Absolutely. He said and that and that once I became. a certain age,

I grew out of it. I grew out of it. So. all is not lost. Um so I Yes. But it was. all part of this this he called it a. syndrome, the difficult child syndrome. So the difficult children can also be. incredibly creative. they can have good. a lot of them can have good social. skills. You know, these are not the. children who need to be hospitalized for. behavioral stuff. They kind of teeter. that line. And um I just thought every.

time I made a mistake or every time I. was very sensitive to something because. that really is what a difficult quote. unquote difficult child is. I do believe. that we have certain nervous systems. that we are born into for and that can. start in the womb and some people are. just more sensitive than others. And so. when you're a child and you have a high. degree of sensitivity, you don't know. and you don't have the the emotional. regulation skills. The only emotional.

regulation skills you're learning are. those of mom and dad. That's right. And. my parents had a terrible marriage. And. you write on page 214, I was a highly. sensitive child who felt his darkness so. intensely it disturbed me. Yes. And. you're talking about your own father. What was the dynamic between you and. your father? My father was a very. complicated man. Um he struggled a lot. with bipolar, a very severe form of. bipolar that was not diagnosed when I.

was a child. So So you didn't know it. was bipolar? No. Yes. And so you just. have all these mood swings that you. can't predict. Right. That you can't. predict. Yes. And so that made what kind. of a relationship for the two of you? So. I felt his moods very intensely and he. scared me. He never laid a hand on me. Um but his energy was very dark and very. un unpredictable because I saw more of. the serious depressive side. And he was. a psychiatrist so he had a he was very.

brilliant. So he had a very analytical. mind and he was never present. He was. always in his head and so I would pick. up on the tension that he had in his. body and then he he was he was he was. unavailable like you couldn't ever. really reach him. Yeah. Yeah. And if. you're a kid you're going to blame that. on yourself that it's that like he's. never you as a child you don't have the. language to explain oh this is a bipolar. thing that's happening and he's never. present. He's not present with anybody. You're thinking the reason why he feels.

so distant and removed and shut down is. because of me. Yes. Some something I'm. doing wrong. And you write on page 138, inside all of us is a child who. desperately yearns to be loved by a. partner the way a parent would ideally. love us, and that is unconditionally. And that's what every relationship is. actually seeking. Did you and your. father ever find. peace? I found some peace with him. before he passed away. I had to wake up. one day because I decided to be.

estranged from him. One day I decided to. stop returning his calls. And I thought. if I just never spoke to him again that. I would be okay. That that would be the. solution. to whatever suffering I was feeling. And. the reality is it didn't solve anything. because it's just it's the ultimate form. of avoidance. I just pushed it down and. pretended like he didn't exist. And then. only years later the joke's on me. No, no, no. He exists. And actually the. monster grows because the more you avoid.

the more it actually lives inside you. and controls you. Yeah, for sure. For. sure. For sure. So Julian, the question. is how did your experience or life. experience, your relationship with your. father, your relationship with your. husband leaving you lead you to this. moment of wisdom that is resonating. especially with women. So, as I said, I. became obsessed. And so, with figuring.

out what makes a relationship work and. so I worked with uh coaches, I worked. with I have um uh mentors that I've had. literally since then. And I put my. entire life into understanding. relationships and and the concept of. love. And I always felt there was. something cuz I had been a yoga teacher. for many years and I always felt like. there was something more for me and I. didn't know what it was. And then I. discovered it was this. And I said, you. know, this is what I'm going to do. This.

is I'm going to teach people about love. and about relationships. And I'm going. to continue to teach people how to. fortify the relationship with. themselves, not just through yoga, but. actually in the way that they think. particularly in their relationships. Okay. And that's where it begins with. you came from. Okay. And so I love this. idea that you express it on on page 138. Let me share it with you all again. Inside all of us is a child who. desperately yearns to be loved by a. partner the way a parent would ideally. love us. And that is unconditionally.

And just before we started our. conversation um that you all are seeing. uh when we were getting miked up here, I. asked Jillian if she was familiar with. um another well-known therapist named um. Harvel Hendrickx wrote a book called. Getting the Love You Want. And that book. redefined for me what having a. relationship or being in a relationship. was because in 1988 on the Oprah show,

he said, "Every relationship that you're. seeking, you're seeking to heal the. relationship that you had with your. parent, the dominant parent or guardian. in your life. And that the people that. show up in your life, in your personal. relationships are. there as triggers, as you know, resources, as reminders for what you got. and also for what you didn't get. Yes.

In childhood there there are um there. are certain uh nurturing needs that are. not satisfied in the best of families. and with by the best of parents. So in. in in I mean that is what really saved. my relationship actually. It changed the. way I operated in my relationship with. Stemann and in all of my relationships. recognizing that people come from that. Everybody's just trying to heal and find. a way to be loved unconditionally. And. your partner always represents some part.

of what didn't get healed. Yes. So your. husband represented whom for you? My. husband represented my father. And. here's the interesting thing. They. couldn't they looked totally different. Their personalities were wildly. different. So, their energy was. different. But my husband would would shut down. He. um I I felt it. It's the familiar. It's. how I felt in my body was so familiar I. didn't even recognize it. That's right.

Which is oh, he's in that mood. Maybe. it's me. And then that tension that. comes from believing that your partner. is pulling away from you and you are the. reason. And so you're constantly. questioning in some way unconsciously. your lovability because this person is. pulling away. And that was something. that I felt all the time in Yeah. I. think that that is also a a really good. advice for people who are in uh.

relationships that are challenged is to. ask yourself where have I had this. feeling before. Yes. Cuz it isn't about. what they look like. It isn't about even. you know any of that. Because in the. beginning I thought oh Steedman's here. representing my father. You know my. father is an honorable man you know. loyal all those things. And it was later. on that I recognized, oh, it isn't even. about my father. It's about healing the. wounds with my mother. So, because every. every time there would be any kind of.

conflict conflict, I think, where have I. felt this before? Yes. Where have I felt. this before? So, we know millions of. women are seeking your advice. And we. have Maryanne joining us on Zoom. Maryanne, I hear you're a divorced mom, three children from Massachusetts who. says you're terrified to get married. again. So, let's talk about it. I am. Well, hello to you both. Thanks so much. for having me on. Um, a little bit about. me. I was married for nine years and. then um I already had had two children.

by the time I was in my late 20s. And. between working full-time and being a. mother, by the time I got home and got. them to bed, I felt so depleted and like. a shell of my old self that the only. time I felt like I could rebuild was. when I went to bed. And I didn't want my. husband or anybody to touch me. And as. you can imagine, over time, that built. up a lot of resentment. And then also. that led to some betrayal and about a.

million regrets and things that I would. do so differently. now that I'm going to. be 47 and that brings me to now. I've. been divorced 12 years and it's every. first date I go on the before I even. meet you or even on the first date I say. I never want to get married again. And. if that's what you're looking for, I'm. not your girl. And I have been blessed. during those 12 years to have had a. couple of very wonderful men for. long-term relationships with them. But.

the same thing has rung true. I I just. never feel like I'm enough and I I feel. like my past holds me back and I'm just. have trouble letting them in. I. basically have like. unconsciously destroyed those two great. relationships that I've had since I was. divorced. And I'd really love to know. what I could do differently so I can. have a more successful. relationship. Okay. You know, when I. reflect on my marriage that ended many.

years. ago, and I had to reflect on it a. lot, I realized there were a lot of. things, even though I could blame him. for a lot of things and actually be. valid, there were things that I. recognized that, wow, if I did it all. over again, I would do so many things. differently. And I can think back to. other parts of my life where I've made. really grave mistakes where I perhaps. acted out of character or did things. that I didn't want to do. And I and I.

someone once told me and I wish I could. remember. I wish I could say it was my. mom. I don't think it was, but I was. told many years ago that there's no such. thing as failure. There's just lessons. And that a lot of lessons. A lot of. lessons. And the thing is the story that. you keep replaying in your mind about. your marriage and what the things that. you wish you had done differently or the. mistakes that you made or the mistakes. that he made. At this point, it's really.

a story because we can't remember. everything that happened back then. We're just giving it a meaning. So, it's. not that the story isn't true, but. you're giving it a meaning, which is I. failed it. I don't know what I'm a. failure. Um, I can't be trusted. Um, if. I get married again, I'm going to have. pain again. Do these all ring true to. you? The pain I am terrified of being I. didn't think I could hurt that badly.

And my last long-term relationship felt. like another divorce. And I'm going to. tell you, it took me over two years to. get over that relationship. And I just. never want to feel pain like that. I I I. just Right. And I understand that. painful. I understand that. And but the. the fear of pain is making you push away. good men. Yes. Right. And I have learned. that the very hard way the last two. years. Yes. So, can you forgive. yourself? I'm trying to do different.

this year to have a um I'm trying to be. different this year to have a different. outcome. And I'm trying very hard to let. the walls down. I'm just terrified of. not being enough and I don't I don't. know how to get over that. I'm just so. terrified of feeling crushed again and. and let down. Mhm. Well, but you both. let each other down in many ways, right, in your marriage. I mean, isn't that.

that's typically what happens in a. marriage is that we all make mistakes. I. mean, it's not that it's a 50/50 split, but it was it was a marriage. It didn't. work out and now you have an opportunity. to love again. The greatest gift you can. give your children is to live your life. and to and to and to be happy. Now, of. course, you can't be happy all the time. But the greatest gift you can give them. is to just live your life. There is no.

version of love that does not come with. it. The risk of a broken heart. But we. decide to take that risk because nothing. meaningful in life comes without risk. And you have to now start to trust. yourself that whatever doesn't work out. you can. handle. And that when you are in a. relationship and you're starting to. notice, oh, I'm doing that thing again. where I'm pushing them away. I'm. sabotaging. You have now an opportunity.

to say to yourself, oh, I'm doing that. thing again. I'm not going to do that. And you can even talk about it with your. partner like I have this pattern that I. do and I don't want to do that. Can we. talk about it? You know, I bet that you. know exactly what it is that you do when. you are about to sabotage a. relationship. You have a habit. That's. true. Yeah, we all do. I don't know what. your what what your method is. Maybe you. start fights. I don't know what it is, but you have this I just pull back. You. just pull back. Yeah. You pull back. You.

shut down. And you pull back and you. shut down. Yeah. And then your partner. is and what's wrong? What's wrong? What's wrong? What's wrong? What's. wrong? And you're saying nothing. Nothing. Nothing. And yeah, that's. exactly what I do. Well, you know what I. would say? Um, ask and it shall be given, the Bible. says. And I would say that the fact that. you're at the realization now, uh, where. you have actually said out loud to us. and all the people who are listening and. watching that you don't want this.

anymore. You see this about yourself. You have chosen this path all these. years and now you are saying I want to. choose differently. And just the desire. to do that and the openness and. awareness of again how Jillian says. recognizing how you begin to sabotage. yourself and being vulnerable enough. open enough with somebody to say look in. the past I've had this problem and this. has been an issue for me and I'm trying.

to relearn in this new phase of my life. and you don't start the relationship. with I'm not going to get married if. that's what you think you know you Just. you just allow yourself at 46, soon to. be 47 to open up to the rising of your. life. This is an opportunity to begin a. new. So all the old ways of being and. all the stuff that you now have learned. about yourself, the rising is waiting.

for you to meet the rising. Come on up. to the rising. Come on up to the rising. I feel this is the year I I feel like. I'm growing and I'm more aware and I. just feel like it's my time. I can't put. I can't I'm having trouble describing. it, but I just feel like you're. describing it very well. And you have to. know that in the process of being human. and meeting the rising of your life. We. all make mistakes. It's not about.

perfection. It's not about some idea or. story you told yourself in your head of. what it's supposed to look like. It's. supposed to look like exactly what it. looks like and you meet it where it is. And you are woman enough to do that. You. have learned enough. I am you are you. are you are woman enough to do that. You. have you have learned enough and you've. grown enough and you are aware enough of. yourself in this moment. Whether you. feel enough or not, you are enough to. meet this moment and then enough to meet.

the next moment and then to meet the. next moment. It is not about some big. grand scheme. It's about being present. in every moment, experience, and. decision. And you have already done. that. You've proven that with raising. three great boys. And as you continue to. do that, so now you're ready to create. this time for yourself. That's that's. that's what I hear Jillian saying. Yes. Yes. Thank you. Go for it. Really do it.

Go for it. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. It. begins with you. Thank you. Next up is John from Colorado. who we saw on the Zoom was nodding along. with what Maryanne was telling us. John, hey, what's your question? Hi there, Oprah. Hey there, Jillian. Hey. Hey, Jillian. I've been reading your book and. it's uh it's really been great so far. A. nice experience sort of towards. improving my journey and finding a great.

relationship. And uh so I'm I'm a. professional skier, um professional. mountain guide, author, keynote speaker, and entrepreneur here in Colorado. I. just learned I just learned to cross. country this year for Christmas. Oh, it's great. Yeah, it was so great. It's. a good workout. Yeah, it is a workout. Yeah, it was a fantastic workout. Uh. I've been single for about two years. now. Uh I had a couple of relationships. that I had uh prior to that for about. two years each. And um you know, since.

then though, because I've been single, I've really been taking time for myself, traveling a ton, seeking adventure, uh. really leaning into my my career and uh. traveling all over the world a lot. Sometimes often to a fault, like really. just excessively traveling and exploring. the world and and seeking out adventure, but also spending a lot of time with my. my family here in the Veil Valley where. all my uh siblings, their kids, and my. parents also live. So we're all very. close here and um only recently because.

of that I've started dating again. because I've you know healed from my. last relationship. So I know that I'm. ready but it has been challenging you. know. So um I've done a few meetups and. a few dates but through those dates and. those experiences I've kind of felt. nothing and I sort of miss that sort of. genuine connection or the genuine fire. that comes along with meeting somebody. new and the excitement that comes along. with that. I just kind of haven't. haven't found that or haven't felt that. And I tend to be very picky though, right? And um so I sort of feel like is.

my pickiness mean that I'm sort of my. own worst enemy? You know, I want to I. want to meet somebody great, feel that. excitement, go deep, get vulnerable, do. all the important things, and get into a. great relationship, but I just and and I. know I'm enough, but I just don't know. if maybe I'm not ready or if I'm I'm not. feeling it. And and I just I don't feel. anything. So, you know, what do you. think? And that's sort of my question is. is um you know is being picky and and. and waiting a good thing? I mean what.

are your thoughts on all this? I have a. few thoughts. So I would imagine it's true that you. really value adventure and novelty in. life. Is that a big thing for you? Cuz. you you just said that you going on a. lot of adventures. I think novelty and. you know my job is really can be. stressful. Well, I've I've actually. summited Everest four times, Mount. Everest, and I guide clients there, and. I also guide all Oh, boy. Anyone? So, yes. So, you do you're not someone who. is playing it safe. You're not the.

person who lives your life playing it. safe. I mean, you're a ski. instru. You climbed Mount Everest four. times. I mean, that's not someone Yeah. But that's not Yeah. Okay. So, that's. not someone who's who who's living a. safe life. And so, you're looking for. that fire. So oftentimes when we're. someone who values at a high level. adventure, novelty, maybe some risk, maybe a little bit of danger, what we're. also drawn to in relationships is a lot.

of that fire. And sometimes, not always, but you can verify this for me. Sometimes what h what that can lead to. is maybe a lot of relationships or. relationships that feel like a roller. coaster or a lot of fighting maybe a lot. of physical passion but then just a lot. of fighting and and ups and downs. Is. that your experience? Yeah. I mean uh I. tend to actually believe it or not be. very laidback and sort of um patient.

because of what I do for a living. Oh, I. believe it. when when that gets clashed. with somebody who does have the. excitement and the energy, which I. thrive on. Yes. I think that's caused. some problems in the past. Yeah. And I. kind of figure out how to navigate that. moving forward. But also at times if I. Yeah. Like I've always said to my. friends or even my friends or my family. say to me because they know me very well. that I probably need to date somebody. who's also not normal. Like somebody. that let's say has a nineto-ive job. might not fit for me. But, you know,

somebody that that lives a life of. similar adventure or a non-traditional. job where they can work remotely has. been a fit for me. Um, but you said. you're too picky. You're you're too. picky, right? So, here would be this is. my advice to you. I I would never. suggest that anyone pursue a. relationship with someone with whom they. don't feel any chemistry. But I think. you should have a lot of dates where you. are really you're sitting down with.

someone and really getting to know. someone because one of the things that's. really hard to distinguish is the. difference between lust and love. And. when we feel a lot of that fire and that. feeling, you know, you said you're very. laid-back, so you may be going for like. the fiery type and you're leading with. that feeling. And I don't want you to. not have any chemistry, but I want you. to make a deeper connection. And. sometimes that deep connection doesn't. come on the first date. It just doesn't.

come. And if you're looking for the. immediate fireworks and if you don't. feel it, then you write someone off. Then yes, I would say to you that your. pickiness is not an indication that. you're not ready, but it is an. indication that this is one way in which. you might be standing in your own way. So, I would actually give women who you. think are pleasant and nice more of a. chance. And instead of being in the. position of vetting them, they have to.

have the same lifestyle as me, I have to. feel that fire, all these things, I want. you instead to try to make a connection. with another human. being and really get to know her. even. if she ends up being a friend or even if. this is someone who you never see again. to give people more of a chance so that. you can practice your skills of actually. really getting to know someone. How does. that land for you? It lands pretty well. because it's true. I mean a lot of. people sort of look at me and say,

"Well, you're doing this, you're doing. that. You've been up on Everest three. three or four times. Like you know what. what does your wife think of this?" And. it's like, "Well, first of all, I don't. have a wife yet." But at the same time, I know of people in my same profession. that do have families and I know it's. possible. Yeah. And it's very you could. very easily have a wife that would be so. happy to see you when you returned home. and not interested in making the trek. with you. That's very, very, very doable. and very probably likely. Yes, absolutely. Who accepts you for who you. are and you accept her for who she is,

but she doesn't have to be doing it with. you. And I think that's where you maybe. need to expand your mind a little bit. Thanks, John. Thank you so much. Thank. you for your time. Thank you for your. time. Tamara is joining us from New. Jersey. We heard from a lot of women. like you, Tamara, a single mom who's. dedicated yourself to raising your. daughter, who's now a junior in college, and now you're left with yourself. Yes. Hi, Oprah. Hi, Jillian. Hi. Thank. you for this opportunity. So, like you.

said, I'm a single mom who's 50 and my. dating journey went a little bit like. this. I said I was going to get back out. there when my daughter um went to middle. school and then that turned to high. school and then like you said, she's a. junior in college and I attempted again. I will get excited about creating my. dating profile. I'll put myself out. there. I'll go on one or two dates and. that is kind of the extent of it. Um, I. have to honestly say I really enjoyed.

the book, Jillian, and the last chapter. really resonated with me, especially. about really just pouring into myself, taking the time to discover who I am, and I feel like I'm at the stage of my. life where I'm honestly ready to date. I'm just curious to know um from your. perspective for someone that hasn't. dated in a while, like how should I be. looking at these lessons? Should I be. looking at it through a different lens? No, I think you can be looking at it. through the same I mean if when you hope.

to one day be in a relationship. So I. always say prepare. So these are things. to help you prepare. And also if you. want to put yourself out there and date. the there's some very important. principles in the book that you need to. be aware of so that you have better. experiences in in a relationship. But I. would imagine that it's a little scary. It's a little intimidating to put. yourself out there and go on dates and. then maybe you don't have a great date. and then you think, well, you know, what's the point? Or, you know, I'm.

better. I'm I'm happy alone. But could. you maybe just think of it as instead of. going on dates to find your next. partner, can you make some friends with. some men? I feel like I can. I. definitely feel like I can. I think it. just becomes a little bit daunting. I've. tried different mediums. I feel like I'm. more of a in-person connection versus. online. So, I would be happy and open to.

exploring um different mediums. And I. can definitely start with being friends. I think for me, it's easy to create. connections with people, but it's. getting started that I'm really having a. challenge with. Okay. Do you have a. favorite restaurant that you like to go. to in the neighborhood? Yes. Okay. Um, so take yourself to dinner or for lunch. Okay? You can sit at the bar and you can. bring a book and start talking to.

people. Now, it does it doesn't have to. be men. You could be sitting next to. someone and because you said making. friends and talking to people is comes. naturally to you. You can start talking. to people and you never know. You could. meet a woman whose. cousin whose cousin's kid, you know, whatever, whose cousin is just recently. divorced or you just never know what's. going to happen. And I often say like if. you're not going to do the apps, totally. fine. Expand your circle. Start talking.

to people. Put yourself get yourself off. the couch because it's not going to. happen on your couch. and get yourself. out there and even if you go with just. one friend and you sit at the bar and. start talking to people and start making. connections and because then you never. know and that's a very organic way for. it to happen but it's also you being. proactive and you say I'm going to put. myself out there more without it having. to be this you know swiping and going on. a date and having that sort of that.

tension and that rigidity around it. And. so that's how I would start. Amen. Thank. you for that. Thank you for that. Go for. it. Go for it. I'm ready. All right. I'm. ready. Go for it. Thanks, Tamara. Next, we have Megan and Mike for Blowing. Island. Megan and Mike are former. clients of Jillian's who worked with her. for three years. Megan, you say Jillian. saved your marriage. How'd she do that? Y'all are in different rooms or. different cities? Different cities right now. I'm in New.

York. He's in Las Vegas. Yeah. Great. Um. yeah, Jillian saved our marriage in so. many ways. Um we were when we started. working with Jill, it was very much. either we go for divorce or we try to. fix this. We were that dire. It was kind. of at hit ahead in that in that sense. And so when we started working with. Jill, she did so much work on us really. becoming a team. But I think for me. personally, one of the biggest things we. worked on was taking responsibility for. my part in our issues instead of just.

putting a lot of the blame on Mike and. really working on ourselves separately. to then come back together and work on. our marriage together. And I think that. was something that I never really. thought about. I just thought we just. need to fix this, he needs to fix these. things versus we need to work on. ourselves separately, too. And Mike, what what was it like for you? Yeah, I mean it started with that as we. were working through it. It started. peeling off a lot of layers that I kind.

of swept under the rug. I came from a. pretty hairy divorce that I never. thought impacted me all that much. I was. never hurting for anything, but I was. neglected a lot emotionally and I. brought that into the marriage in a way. that I never really understood until we. started working with Jill and started. peeling back those layers. And then I. started kind of personal growth journey. and that's when Jill and I started. working together more. Did you have a. question today? Uh for yeah I as now that we have twin.

boys that are one 14 months um what. would your advice be on prioritizing our. connection, our sex life, our intimacy. to make sure we're staying in a in a. connected in a good way. Have you hired a babysitter and just. gone to a hotel for a night? No, not that. Obviously not. No, I would. I think for us it it's been.

harder to uh we've been with them every. day, so separating from them now. This. is the first time I've been away. Um I. left two days ago and we haven't been. away from them for more than 6 8 hours. It doesn't have to be overnight. It can. be five hours. It can be five hours. where you go dinner dancing but don't. stay the night and you get away and you. have a night or an evening where it's. just the two of you and you don't it's. you don't just feel like mom and dad.

This will work wonders. Yeah, for sure. We've never thought of. that. I think that's a great idea, actually. No. when we do go out and we do hire a. babysitter, we'll go get dinner and. we'll rush home, you know, and we're. starting now that they're getting a. little older, we're starting to trust. people more and things like that. So, I. think that's a great idea that we didn't. think of. Yeah, I think so, too. I saw. your fight face light up. You're like, whoa, really? Okay. All right. Well, glad we fixed that. Thanks.

Thank you guys. Appreciate you uh. zooming in with us. Thank you so much. Thank you. The subtitle of your book is. nine hard truths about love that will. change your life. What would you say is. the number one hard truth? You know what comes to my mind is. probably the first one because it's the. title of the book which it begins with. you. Begins with you because people. immediately think well then it's my. fault or um and we people usually. straddle that line between blaming.

others or hyperlaming themselves. And so. taking responsibility can can either. turn a perfectionist, you know, can take. take them down a wormhole or the person. who's blaming someone else, they don't. want to take. responsibility. It begins with you. It. just means that. the you are the change that you wish to. see in your love life. Yeah, that's. number one. And that it's always there. reflecting back to you what you actually. always need to heal and fix for.

yourself. Yes. I love you say page nine. Every single heartbreak and. disappointment we've ever endured was. trying to teach us more about our fears, patterns, and beliefs that have been. sabotaging our chances of having a. fulfilling relationship. So heartbreak. is there to show you another way. It is. the greatest lesson. It is the greatest. lesson. And I think one of the most. profound lessons I learned from. heartbreak is just because someone's.

part in your story has ended, it does. not mean your story has. ended. You have a whole other story to. continue in your life. And one of the. hardest lessons that we will ever face. as human beings is learning to accept. when someone's part in our story is. over. We don't like to let go. We like. to hold on. And nothing nothing lasts. So, even if you are uh even if you stay. in a relationship for decades, you're.

going to have to mourn, grieve people that they used to be. because we're always evolving and. changing. That's right. That's right. So, even if it's the same relationship, you're going to have to let go over and. over again. And if you're in a. relationship and there's no longer. connection, you actually are not in. relationship because connection is the. single best thing that makes us feel. whole. Absolutely. And I always say that. relationships rarely end because of a. lack of love. They more commonly end. because people don't feel connected to.

each other. And they'll say, I love this. per it's not about love, but I don't. feel the connection. I.e. I don't feel. seen. I don't feel understood. Um I. don't feel. heard. And yeah, connection. And and. when you're in a relationship, our. priority has to be how can I in the in. the small little ways every day, how can. I create a bridge to this person and it. begins with you and it begins with you. Creating that bridge. Jillian's book, it.

begins with you, is available wherever. books are sold. And her podcast is. called Jillian on Love. I thank you. again for being my guests here and thank. you Maryanne and John and Tamara, Megan. and Mike. Go well everyone. You can. subscribe to the Over Podcast on YouTube. and follow us on Spotify, Apple Podcast. or wherever you listen. I'll see you. next week. Thanks everybody.