Oprah and Mel Robbins Talk the One Change That Can Improve Your Life

who's coming to my. podcast we've never met I hear that. distinct Voice come on. now oh my god oh I just wanted to look. in your eyes but first let me just feel. your oh my gosh look at us we're here I. have been waiting for this moment and I. am so ready really oh this is so much. bigger than a conversation you're having. a moment you know I've had a lot of low.

moments yeah yeah yeah yeah and there's. a lot of my life that I have not been. present. for and I'm not going to miss this thank. you thank you for. [Music]. recognizing so everybody thanks for. joining us on this podcast I'm so glad. to be able to have this time to share. with my very very special guest Mel. Robins hey it's your friend Mel I'm so.

excited that you're here with me today. Mel Robbins began her career as an. attorney and worked sometimes as a radio. host while she and her husband Chris. were raising their three children a. business failure landed them. $800,000 in. debt to make money Mel started A New. Path as a life coach and motivational. speaker a friend invited her to do a Ted. X talk Mel called it how to stop. screwing yourself over it turned out to. be a prophetic title when you feel stuck.

or dissatisfied in your life it's a. signal it's now one of the most watched. Ted X talks ever and was the Catalyst. for the Mel Robins Millions know and. follow today her mix of authenticity and. No Nonsense advice is the secret behind. two best-selling books and her Mega hit. the Mel Robins podcast and I also wanted. to be sure to tell you in case no one. else tells you that love you and I.

believe in you Powerhouse speaker your. Global podcast sensation and. best-selling author just I mean can you. even take all of that in yourself um can. you take it all. in I I can in this moment because I'm. sitting across from you yeah and I have. been so in the dirt yeah and taking it. one day at a time and one conversation. at a time that when you are focused on.

just what you can do in this moment or. what you can do to get through the day. or what you can do to. make things a little bit better for. yourself for the people that you care. about or strangers that you bump into. okay so let me say this I have over the. years read I don't probably thousands of. books and this. is by. far just one of the best self- hope. books I've ever.

read it's it. is it is right up there with all the. greats all the greats and the reason it. is I think it's it's a it's a life Cher. it's life altering for anybody who reads. it because it's your personal story it's. like you're speaking into our ear and it. comes with your knowledge and your. acknowledgment of the mistakes that you. have made.

and it's it's it just is there to set. people free yes that's what you've done. thank you that's what you did thank you. it's incredible it's incredible I. couldn't believe it page after page. after page after page I yes I couldn't. believe it I couldn't believe it I. couldn't believe it and it's so simple. you know what I love about it is is that. you are saying in these Pages everything. I was trying to say for 25 years day. after day after day after day after day.

after day so let's start with the light. bulb moment can we start the light bulb. moment the prom I love this moment you. know Oprah I have dreamt about the day. that I would get to sit down and be with. you and in all of those. manifestations and dreams never in a. million years did I think I would be. telling you that my life changed at a. high school. prom never in a million years and we.

have three children and so the the first. two are girls and having gone through. the prom with them I mean that was like. five months of headaches and spray tans. and proposals and stress and and when it. was finally done I was like oh my gosh. thank goodness that's over so when our. son Oakley was coming to his prom I. thought this is going to be a breeze and. it was actually way worse because he was. so non-committal we didn't even know if. he was going to go two two weeks before. two days I thought it was two weeks two. days before days before two days before.

he's all of a sudden like I think I'm. going to go and I'm like we live in the. middle of Vermont where am I going to. get a tux oh and now you want those. white tennis shoes and so it was like. boom boom boom boom 48 Hours of stress. stress stress and so we finally get to. the point where Chris is like putting. his tie on and we're about to run out. the door and we're heading to the. pre-prom photos and so we get to the. pre-prom photos we take the photos and. because of the buildup I'm like already. stressed out and cuz it's his first.

yes and because I've been a lunatic I. mean I'm like controlling and I'm trying. to find stuff and now I'm trying to. micromanage everything and we get to the. prom we take the photos everything's. fine and then out of nowhere it starts. to rain and by rain I mean downpour and. so now you got 20 kids in Black Tie and. all of these parents Milling about and. now everyone's starting to look around. because nobody has umbrellas nobody has. anything and so I turn to Oak and I'm. like hey where are you guys going for. dinner because I'm thinking I need to.

help with the situation he's like well I. don't know and I'm like wait you don't. have dinner plans and you got 20 kids. yes and then I turn to my husband they. don't have dinner plans he's like guess. not and so now I'm getting all activated. over something dumb and I start to look. at my phone for reservations for 20 kids. and I can't find anything and the other. parents are Milling about and I'm like. Oak what are you going to do and he's. like I think we're going to go to the. Taco Stand now keep in mind this is like. something that four kids can fit in yeah. these kids are in Black Tie it's pouring. rain and I'm like what and I don't know. what it was.

oah but I just was about to go into. monster control mode and my daughter who. is home from college reaches out grabs. my arm with that sort of like forceful. grip and Yanks me towards her and she's. like um you're being annoying was this. Sawyer this was Kendall okay this was. Kendall this was Kendall. so I'm like but but it's right and she's. like Mom if they want to get wet let. them get W but but but he's going to. ruin shoes mom if he's going to ruin his.

shoes ruin his shoes but but but her. dress Mom let them mom let them do what. they want to do but they don't have res. let them eat a taco stand let them get. wet let them dance all night in wet. tuxedos for crying out loud Mom it's. their prom not yours just let them and. there was something about the Cascade of. let them let them let them let. them that it just hit. me and I thought.

yeah let them let them why am I thinking. about his dinner why am I not thinking. about mine yeah and why couldn't you. just let then so what if the sneakers. get wet and so what you you need you. left out the part about the whole cage. you wanted her to have the cage and then. your son said Oakley said no no cage and. then you're standing there with the cage. and let them let her not have the cage. let them I was so did you know then how. powerful it was oh no no no no no no no.

I went I I just felt like myelf relase M. and the next day I'm standing at the. Garden Center mhm and you know how when. you're in line and there's like five. people in front of you and it's like. beep beep beep and you feel the stress. rise up and you start looking around and. you feel all agitated and then you start. thinking in your head you know why. aren't they getting any other better. thing to open Up's what's going up here. and now all of a sudden you think you. can run a grocery store or a garden. center better than anybody else and then. you're fussing and you're like let them.

and it was like instant. peace and I started to say let them. anytime I was in a situation where I was. annoyed or stressed out or bothered or. hurt or worried or. frustrated and it had this unbelievable. impact of having an immediate release. yeah and what I started to notice full.

stop is that I didn't have time and. energy because I was turning other. people into a major problem in my life. all the time all the time I was giving. my power to other people what they were. doing what they were saying what they. were thinking so if I go back to the. grocery. store what's amazing about that story. you're standing in line the stress is. coming up when you start to get all. flustered by what other people are doing.

you're now trying to control something. you can't control because you will never. be able to control what other people are. doing what they think what they say you. cannot control how a grocery store is. staffed or how fast the line is moving. and when you focus on things that you. can't control you miss the single. biggest most amazing thing about. life that you are actually always in. control because there are three things. that are always within your control. Oprah you can always control what you.

think you can always control what you do. or don't do and you can always control. what you do in response to the feelings. that rise up so instead of standing. there in a line and burning up for 15. minutes over something stupid and then. allowing that to stress me out all day. and affect the rest of my day when I say. let them I. immediately recognize that this is. something that I have no power over. correct I have no power over correct yes.

correct but I do have power because I. can leave the store yes I always say. that that's why I love that Wizard of Oz. there's so many wonderful teachings. there when Glend of the good witch says. go away you have no power here it's. because that's not your territory you. only have territory in your own body and. your own person yes and you have no. power in anybody else's territory this. is what I love in my mind the Crux of. the let them let me Theory which is most.

important is that the more you say this. the more you allow people to live their. lives the better your life will get the. more control you give up the more you. actually gain can you explain that Mel I. absolutely can we have spent our entire. lives managing. worrying about other people we have made. it our jobs to make other people happy. we have made it our job to have opinions. about the grocery store about what kids. are doing and in doing so you have given.

all of your power to something you will. never be able to control absolutely and. what I discovered Oprah is that the more. that I said let them the more I noticed. yes that I was spending time wishing. that people would be different I was. spending time judging the people in my. life I was spending time wanting people. to be in different moods and that is. time that I could actually redirect back. at myself and focus on what.

why why is it your job to manage. somebody else's mood. why and better yet why should somebody. else's mood at work at home wherever. impact your. mood I love this on page 56 you say why. get stressed out about things beyond. your control don't really matter how. does something so small have such a. large impact on you because you allow it. because you allow it and this is the. huge thing in this. what is happening around you does not.

have to happen to you right what other. people are doing yes you are going to. feel something you're going to have an. opinion you will respond this is human. nature but what you do in response to. what somebody else is doing is where. your power is this is how you take. responsibility for your life Oprah and. let's look at the word responsibility. yes it is the ability to respond and we. forget when we get ourselves so stressed. out because the grocery line isn't.

moving the way that you think it should. moveing and now you're draining your. life force over something so stupid and. then you wonder why are you so tired why. are you so overwhelmed why are you last. on your list it's because you allow. Death By A Thousand Cuts you allow. people's moods and inconsiderate. strangers and the headlines and the news. to be something that impacts you there's. a different way to live you just say let. them let them because what you're doing. and this is the really important part is.

you are recognizing that this is not. within my control therefore it is not. worth my time and energy and if you. respect yourself and if you love. yourself you will focus your time and. energy on what is within your control. and that becomes let me yes yes yes and. let them and then let me yes so there's. two parts to the theory the first one. everybody loves because when you say let. them yes you're going to feel Superior. to everybody else that's right and it. helps you to tach but I I also like what. you say Mel that it's not the same thing.

as letting go let them is not the same. thing as letting go explain that you. know I have never been able to let. anything go that probably doesn't. surprise. anybody I I I just feel like if somebody. were to tell me Mel just let it go you. know Ju Just Just Let It Go your mom's. disappointed Just Let It Go but it feels. like I'm defeated it feels like I have. no choice that's right that you. surrendered yes I like to feel the the.

the piece of surrender but I didn't know. how to access it and I think one of the. things that I really strive to do is. that if something's. complicated or it's too. intellectual I can't remember it or I. can't apply it well this is one of the. things I love about you and your podcast. and your work here on the planet at this. time where it's most needed you break. down complicated ideas is into simple.

terms and forms that people can. understand and relate to and so let them. you know the Buddhists have said it the. stoics have said it great religions have. all talked about letting go and letting. God but you put it in common everyday. language and principles that are not. just relatable but resonate and that's. why I had aha after aha after aha moment. when I was reading this book and I know. that you are a woman who's made for this.

time for such a time as this yes and and. everybody needs this tool because there. is so much in the world right now that. is out of your control yes from the. headlines to global politics to what's. happening at the local Schoolboard to. what your mother's mood is to the stress. that your kids and I love what you said. about that everybody's already voted you. had the two candidates the decisions. have been made and so let them it's done.

now decide what you can do and let. yourself do that and if you can't let. them right and the the second part of. the theory which is let me is actually. the more important part yes and the. reason why is because first of all you. have to say let them because you can't. take control of your own life until you. stop trying to control everybody else. and everything around you and so let. them is when you Release Control oh my.

goodness it's so freeing yes yes and. then you have to say let meh because let. me is where you cue yourself yes in any. moment yes whether you're upset about. the election yes or somebody just said I. don't love you and I'm leaving yep or. you got a terrible Health diagnosis or. your kid is struggling it's where you. say let me remind myself I always have.

power because I can always choose what. I'm going to think about this and what a. beautiful thing that is and I get to. choose what I'm going to do or what I'm. not going to do and this is where you. remind yourself that you do get to. choose if you stay in a relationship you. do get to choose if you're going to. offer support that's why you say you're. never stuck all the people who say you. get stuck you're never stuck because you. always get to choose yes yes yeah you. say that's a lie to yourself that you. can you can leave a job you can leave a.

relationship you can leave a living. situation a date an interview or. conversation whatever you're you're. never stuck never ever ever ever ever. stuck ding ding ding yes Amen to that. and and and here's I I want to really. underline this because we convince. ourselves when you stay in a. job and your job is not going anywhere. it doesn't make you feel good but a lot. of people feel I have to stay there cuz. I need the I obviously I need the money. of course you do but do you know how. many jobs are are on the planet and if.

you actually are staying in a job hoping. it gets better who has the power your. boss right and the people that you work. for right so you got to let them reveal. who they are you got to let them reveal. whether or not they value you and how. they're going to treat you and then you. got to say Let me let me choose if I'm. going to stay in the situation let me. remind myself that I am capable of doing. the work to go out and get a different. job let me remind myself that it is my.

responsibility to create a life that. makes me happy which means if I'm not. happy in this job don't you dare stay in. it and give the power to them take the. power back let me get my rear end out. there and go find a job well I had so. many underlined spaces in this book I. was just like well I just need to stop. highlighting and just reading the whole. book okay I love this on page 90 you're. so much stronger than anyone's opinions. about you and I think that is so I need. to remind myself about that now because. there's so much you know vitriol and.

crazy things and conspiracy theories and. all kinds of nutsoid stuff on the. internet that I just can't even imagine. people think that's true or they're. saying those things about me but let. them well and here's why you have to. because I want to remind you that if you. want a better life and if you want to. tap into your potential and if you want. better relationships you need the time. and energy that you're wasting on things. you can't control yeah and you need the.

energy that is being drained by all. these things that you are allowing to. stress you out you need that energy and. time to actually do the work to advance. your own goals and your own health and. your own relationships and so instead of. giving your time and energy to all this. other stuff the more you say let them. the more you're actually honoring your. time and energy it is the ultimate. boundary and I want to explain something. Oprah about the power that you give to. somebody else's opinion okay yes please.

do as you're spending time together with. me and Oprah right now I want you to. just think about your favorite social. media platform and I want you to think. about the moment where you're about to. create a post and so you pick a photo. and then you're like I don't really like. that photo and then you pick another. photo and then you're thinking about the. filters and then you go to start to. write the caption and then you're like. here's an emoji or should I write that. is that a little bit too much for. who I want you to stop and cons consider. that that entire time who are you giving.

power to you are actually giving power. to what another human being is. potentially going to think about what. you're about to do now you will never be. able to control or guarantee what. another person thinks about you because. the average person has 70,000 thoughts a. day and you can't even control half of. the ones that pop into your mind So What. on earth makes you think you could crawl.

up in someone else's head with your. social media post and guarantee that. they're not going to unfollow you or. they're not going to roll their eyes or. whatever and I and I'm telling you this. because it's something you can relate to. and I need to remind you your social. media is for you that's for your. self-expression that is for you to be. able to put out into the world your art. the things you care about and how sad is. it that in that moment you are giving.

power to another what you think they. will like instead of what you like. correct and if you look at all of the. draft posts because everybody has. hundreds of them that is a graveyard of. all of your potential and the reason why. you didn't post those things is because. you stressed yourself out so much giving. power to somebody else's opinion that. you exhausted yourself and you didn't do. it and you do this all day long yeah. well that's why I like when you say let. me live my life to make myself proud let.

me make decisions that align with my own. values let me take risk because I want. to let me follow the path my soul is. turning me toward that's why we're all. here that's why we're all here and you. will never do it if you are constantly. afraid of what people are going to think. and so here's how I want you to use the. letham theory just say let them think a. negative thought let them because that's. what you're scared of I mean actually. say absolutely absolutely let them think.

a negative thought because once you. release from that fear and then you say. let me live my life in a way that makes. me proud a funny thing happens you don't. actually think about what other people. think when you're proud of yourself cuz. you know the. truth that is so powerful okay when did. you learn that. um did you have to learn that the hard. way did something have to happen I learn. everything the hard way like I think.

that is my lot in life to just dig a. hole or fall in one and just have to. figure it out and I I think I've been. learning that all along I still I I use. it every day I mean I'm proud of myself. and I still catch myself stopping and. thinking well I want to talk about. people that feel like uh they can still. control other people you say here's the. truth when you push someone it only. makes the person push back you're. working against the fundamental law of.

human nature people need to feel in. control of their decisions you want. people in your life to change but. pressuring them creates resistance to it. you may be acting with the best of. intentions but it's yielding the worst. results that's because every time you. fight against human nature you will lose. and let's talk about human nature let's. talk about that so ultimately what the. leam theory is about is. control and every human being has a. fundamental hardwired need to be in.

control of their lives themselves their. decisions their environment because when. we are in control of our jobs and what. we're thinking we feel safe now here's. the problem if you do. something that makes me upset or worries. me or hurts me now I'm going to need to. control you Oprah so that I can feel. safe but here's the problem you have the. same need to control yourself that I. have in me yes yeah so when I step in. and I think that I know best or I think.

that you should do something or I want. to change you what's going to happen is. I'm going to push against your hardwired. need to be in control of. yourself and so you will push back and. what I want th this changed my marriage. it changed my parenting it changed my. relationship with how I am at. work the let them theory is going to. make space for change to happen because. people need to feel like changing is.

their idea people only change Oprah when. they are ready to do the work to change. that's what I loved that you emphasized. over and over again in this nobody's. going to change until they're ready yes. and we make the mistake of thinking that. we can push somebody else to do it and. when you push against somebody else. especially somebody that is struggling. you know I often think about the fact. that the hardest working kid in a. classroom. is not the one getting the a it's the.

kid who's. failing because they know that they're. not doing well and they can do well if. they can and if they're not doing well. it's because they're at a moment in. their life where they can't they're. missing skills they're missing hope. they're missing support and so the kid. that's struggling or the adult that's. struggling they're in deep active. conflict within themselves a human being. knows Oprah when they're not reaching. their potential yes don't we all yes and.

so they're already putting so much. pressure on themselves cuz they know. that they're not studying and they're. not excelling and we do this with our. health like I think that I think the. hard the people that work the hardest at. the the health are the people that are. struggling with it absolutely and we. don't stop and think about that we. actually come in with judgment and. opinions and suggestions like oh you. know if you kind of cut calories and go. for a walk you might lose some weight oh. Einstein like I didn't think about that.

that's right yeah and so when somebody. pushes you even with the best of. intentions what happens is it creates. more pressure and so you didn't actually. create. motivation you created resistance res. resentment and resistance yes yes yes. and you also created distance in your. relationship and so if you really want. people in your life to excel cuz now. they'll just try to hide it from you or. not be be truthful with you or not be.

forthcoming yes you have to say let them. because what it does is it creates for. the first time space for the person to. feel accepted instead of judged it. creates space for them to really learn. from life and it creates space with your. support for somebody to tap into their. own god-given. potential to change and what I've also. realized is that every every time I have. stepped in and tried to pressure one of.

my kids to study harder or do this or do. the other thing you know what I'm. actually doing I'm actually saying to. them I don't think you're capable of. this without me when you step in and try. to do it for somebody else yes and you. don't just let somebody face the natural. consequences of their decisions when you. keep rescuing somebody or making excuses. for them what you're saying is I don't. believe you're actually capable of doing. this on your own I don't believe that. you're capable or strong enough to.

riseing to this I love this because this. is a big lesson for people with adult. children who they are still supporting. financially you say when you enable. others with money your words and your. actions you don't Foster Independence at. all no I mean I had to learn this the. hard way cuz you think by giving people. money and I can tell you for sure it. does the exact opposite yes it does the. exact opposite does the exact exact. opposite and look it is a good thing to.

worry about people it's a great thing to. see the potential in somebody it is an. act of love to want somebody to be. healthy and vibrant and thriving that's. not the issue the issue and the problems. that I have created for 54 years of my. life Oprah is that I was going about it. the wrong way yeah you were going about. it the wrong way because what you didn't. you just didn't know or you didn't know. I Au them Theory yeah I had no idea how.

human beings worked see you have to push. yourself yeah in order to make change. happen but if you push other people you. actually stop it from happening uh I. really related to what you write about. jealousy on page 144 in life if you're. not motivated to do something it's going. to take something painful to force you. to change. um share with us what happened when you. went to your friend's newly remodeled. house one of the reason I appreciate. this book so much as all the stories you.

know Molly the interior designer I mean. the fact that you are allowing us to see. inside of your mistakes the way that you. do so I this was at a moment in my life. where my husband and I were struggling. and a lot of people were kind of taking. off in their careers Oprah and I. remember pulling up to a friend's house. and she had just finished a renovation. beautiful house it was the kind of house. that I'd always dreamt of I wanted so. desperately to be a good friend and be.

happy for her and to be happy for her. and deep in my heart she deserves this. and I want this for her but I was so. jealous I was so upset because I was in. a place in my life where I wanted these. things and I didn't have them and I was. looking at life the wrong way see I used. to think that if somebody else was. winning or got what wanted it means I'll. never have it I used to look at other.

people and I would see them as. competitors in the game of life that if. somebody else had a podcast oh there's. too many I'm too late you know can't do. it yeah and here's the thing that I. learned with the let them. Theory other people never block your way. only you can do that bing bing bing bing. bing wow that is so true other people. leave the way yes if you allow them.

to see other people show you what's. possible and if you let them be. successful and you let them be happy and. you let them get in great shape and you. let them make a lot of money they're. going to reveal a formula that's right. and if you're so busy like I was giving. power to other people's success and then. you preaching here today M you're. preaching here today no I'm I'm you are. capable of creating anything because. success love happiness money friendship.

these things are in Limitless Supply. Limitless yeah and what we get wrong. about the game of life is you're not. playing against other people you're. playing with them that's right and you. can learn how to be a better player from. other people but if you're so busy. giving power to other people's. accomplishments and then using that as. an example for why it's never going to. happen to you you're going to miss the. fundamental law about life which is it's. there for everybody's creation I. remember going to a producer's home who.

was the richest person I ever known at. that time when I was in balore Arlene. weer and I walked into her home and the. house was surrounded by trees and there. were trees when you looked out the. kitchen. window and I was like Wow Arlene is Rich. if I ever get some money I'm going to. have a house with trees yeah and so I. use that as my motivation when I walked. when I first was hired by Steven. Spielberg for The Color Purple I went to.

his Studio at amlin and that's what gave. me the idea for myself oh my God that. means this is possible a person can have. their own studio so it resonated so. deeply with me what you were saying is. because I've applied those principles. not even knowing I was applying those. principles all these years but I. couldn't because I didn't have a tool I. couldn't because I didn't know how to. stop the flood of jealousy and. insecurity because you know I take the.

tour of my friend's house and I see the. queen bunk beds and now I know why all. the kids are at their house and not at. my house and I feel like a gigantic. loser and I'm not evolved I'm just. soaking in my jealousy and so what I do. is I get in the car and my poor husband. Chris sits down and I just aim it at him. as if it's his fault because we don't. know what to do when we feel so. overwhelmed with like doubt and shame. and upset and so we tend to just act out.

instead of seeing what's possible how do. you not I mean even if you say let them. there is a part of you that still. Compares yourself to that though yeah. that's not a that's not a problem. comparison's natural yeah it's what you. do with the comparison that. matters absolutely so if you use. comparison the way that I did in that. story and for most of my life most of my. life I would see somebody doing. something or they had achieved something. wanted and I was like well there you go. never going to happen for me so I was.

using it to torture myself I was using. the example of somebody else's life as a. way to tell me that my dreams are not. going to happen instead of instead of. saying it's happened for them means it's. possible that it can also happen for me. yes yes yes and the friends by the way. that really upset you are super. important because you can look at people. that you admire yes and you can look at. people that have all these amazing.

things as you're manifesting but a lot. of the time they don't Galvanize this. pain inside of you to actually do. something about it when it's a friend. and you know there's no secret sauce or. trust fund or anything that gave them a. special advantage and they just work. their tail off and you start getting. upset about that the reason why you're. upset is you're not upset at your friend. you're upset at yourself because you. gave up on yourself and that anger is. important because it is a signal from.

your body that I want that see I don't. get jealous of things I don't want do. you want to know you want to know what. jealousy is jealousy is your blocked. desire and dreams jealousy Rises up. because somebody has something that is. trapped in your soul and you've been so. busy giving your power away to stupid. things and other people and managing all. the stuff that's out of your control. that you're draining the time and energy. that you could be using to slowly ship. away at those things jealousy is like.

knock knock knock pay attention you're. supposed to have a house like this dummy. stop stressing about all this stuff that. you shouldn't be worried about and. remind yourself it's time to get to work. oh so good the chapters and. relationships so good and oh how I wish. I had this book in my 20s I'm getting. this book for every single girl at my. school every single girl it you are. never too young to learn this lesson of. let them and on page 40 you say the.

question is I wish I'd had this the. question is why do you want to be with. someone who does this to you and the. answer bing bing bing you don't don't. waste your energy chasing someone who's. already. left the hardest thing about being a mom. of you know 25 23 19 is and even just. kind of looking at people that write in. is your refusal to see somebody's.

Behavior as the. truth don't listen to what somebody says. listen to what they show you correct. Behavior. reveals who someone is and where you. stand in their life yeah that's why my. Angela always said that's my favorite. lesson you know that one when people. show you who they are believe them the. first time cuz they always show you yes. but here's the mistake that I made. forever and here's the mistake we all. make instead of being in a relationship.

with the reality yeah you are up in your. head explaining away Behavior which. means you are in a fantasy you know if. you are fooling around with somebody and. they slink out like a cat in the morning. and you're then convincing yourself that. they care about you they're not the. problem you are you are because you. refuse to see the. behavior as what it is which is they. don't care about you they're not. interested in you cannot admit that to.

yourself correct and the more time you. spend with somebody who has no interest. in what you want in life the more you. are keeping yourself in a prison and. robbing you from creating what you. actually. deserve okay so how do you differentiate. between letting them they're not giving. you the intention that you feel that you. deserve so let them they're not giving. you what you want so let them how do you. distinguish between that and I now need.

to move on to don't waste your energy. chasing someone who's already left yes. cuz in essence that person's already. gone they're not giving you what you. want how do you know the. difference in terms of who's worth. fighting for yes well you get to choose. Oprah yeah you get to choose because if. it's like if we're talking about a. breakup right we're talking about that. somebody said I don't love you and. they've left right the relationship is. over or they are showing you through. their behavior that the relationship is.

over oh yes because it's true they may. not have said the words but they are. they have quit yes so you have to keep. going let them let them walk out the. door let them treat me in a way that is. actually not that attractive it's kind. of a turnoff let them confuse me because. there actually isn't anything confusing. about people's behavior it's your. inability to accept it at face value. that is confusing you ah love this so. much me let me because you always get to.

choose if this is your biggest hopes and. dreams to be with somebody the gasl to. and doesn't make you a priority then. choose it and the only way that you know. that you can powerfully choose it is if. you can stop complaining about. it and so keep coming back to the let me. part let me remind myself that I can. always think whatever I want about this. and let me remind myself that I can. stay I can leave I can decide what I put.

time into I can decide what I don't put. time into there's so many gems in this. book I I just I don't even know what to. tell y'all you just need to get the book. you need to get the audio book and start. underlining for yourself and and keep it. by your bedside table is what I would. say on page 104 you you say people can. only meet you as deeply as they meet. themselves most people haven't gone to. therapy and they haven't looked at their. issues and they don't want to but the.

fact is most human beings you say have. never done the work to understand. themselves and so they can't begin to be. what you need them to be because they. haven't been able to do it for. themselves and a therapist shared this. with you yes so my therapist is the. smartest woman I've ever met and Davin. and she said Mel most adults are just. eight-year-olds in big bodies. I believe that is true and the reason.

why that's true is being able to act. like a mature adult and manage your. emotions and express yourself in a. responsible way it's a skill and you. have to learn it and if you were not. surrounded by adults that knew how to do. that then you have not been taught how. to do that I know there are many people. listening to us right now you're in. working situations where you around. people who are behaving like they are in. Middle School still and then grown up. and they're coming to working their. suits and things every day and are still.

because most people are still. emotionally there and here what I love. about this because I have a deep concern. as I know you do of the rise and. estrangement I have a deep concern about. the labeling of behavior and the. labeling of people and the rise of what. I see of very immature behavior of just. ghosting or cutting people out without. even an explanation and what I love. about the let them Theory is that this. is not a license to just cut off. communication and shrug your shoulders.

like up let them it's not supposed to. make you lonely and it's also not. because I get a lot of push back from. people going well I'm just supposed to. let them be rude I'm just supposed to. let them do this and let I'm going to be. a dormant no right now you are a dormant. because you're tolerating the behavior. this isn't about tolerating any kind of. abuse or any kind of awful Behavior this. is about seeing it for what it is this. this is about saying let them let them.

be who they are and let me see this with. very clear eyes because I know there is. no way I can change who this person is. and if somebody is treating you poorly. they're already doing it and when you. say let them you for the first time see. with Clear Eyes exactly who you're. dealing with and then you got to say the. let me part because if you recognize. you're never going to change this person. because somebody so saying let them. allows you to stop lying to yourself yes. yes yes and the eight-year-old in a big. body creates something very important.

because a lot of us have family members. that have very challenging behaviors and. we still you know that's a good way of. putting it well you know I think family. teaches you how to love people you hate. sometimes right and let them is going to. create space it creates space for people. to be who they are and it creates space. for you to decide how much time and. energy you want to pour into people who. may be very emotionally mature and what.

I find is that when I view somebody for. example that might have a very. narcissistic personality style always. about them they fly off the handle it's. very draining to be around. them I'm not scared of them anymore. because they don't affect me and I get. to choose how I show up I get to say I. know exactly who this person is and I'm. just going to let them be I'm not to. have any expectations it's going to be. any different but I'm going to remind.

myself let me remind myself it's my. energy that matters you know this book. is so important and I say. that um understanding like what it takes. to live a life that's fulfilled and on. purpose and given in service it's so. important for where we are now in our. culture I think that that for whatever. reason you've been given this this.

moment in time to speak to people in. this way is going to change so many. lives and I'm wondering how that sits. with you what kind of space this kind of. power in this moment hold for you thank. you for that question I actually feel. like an. instrument for Consciousness for passion. mhm um.

for people to truly stop making other. people a problem like you're on the. planet right now with 8 billion human. beings and we're all going through this. thing together and there is such a rise. in judgment and bigotry and hate and. isolation because we're making other. people a problem we're allowing them to. stress us out we're giving power to. their opinions we're tolerating.

emotional immaturity with judgment. instead of understanding and just having. better boundaries we're paralyzing. ourselves because of other people's. success we're trying to change people. instead of learning to love and accept. them as they are and you don't have to. live like that your life can be so much. more peaceful you have so much more. power and time and energy and when you. stop living your life as if you're. against everybody or you know better or.

you just create this. incredible peace within yourself why do. you think this all came together in this. moment in time for you I mean you've. been working at it a long time and. you've made mistakes and you start the. book talking about being $800,000 in. debt which for most people like how do. you ever overcome that and and so why. why when you sit with your husband and. and you talk about why now why this. moment now what what is the answer to.

that what. happened I believe that this is divinely. ordered yeah I do and um I often think. about um you know if you're standing in. this. moment you can look backwards. Oprah and everything that has happened. to you makes sense and you can see the. path and the turns and the hardships and. the lessons and the things you regret.

and the things that you learn from and. everything has led you to this. moment I think it's a superpower to. stand in the present moment and actually. believe that this moment is leading you. somewhere. extraordinary you just don't know when. or. where it's going to happen and so in. moments where I have been deeply afraid. or paralyzed with fear or engaging in my. own really immature and hurtful Behavior.

whether it's in friendship or my. marriage or screwing up with my kids. because I just didn't know and that's. kind of that drives a lot of my work. that I didn't know that I had dyslexia. and ADHD I didn't know that that was the. source of so many of my struggles and. why I had such terrible anxiety I didn't. know that you could literally say let. them and have instant peace I everything.

that has been a problem in my life I. just didn't know the problem that I was. dealing with and if you actually don't. know what the problem is how the hell. are you going to solve it right and so I. often think about how many people out. there just don't know that they're. pushing against the wrong thing but the. real root of the issue is something so. simple and so for for me when I've been. in those moments that I just am like why.

am I doing this and is it ever going to. change and where is this leading and. will I ever ever meet Oprah Winfrey one. of these days no I I mean it like I I I. kept saying myself really I kept saying. to myself you're not meant to be there. yet and you have to stand in this moment. because I believe that success comes. down to one thing being willing to get. out of bed on the days that you don't. feel like it that's right and putting.

one foot in front of the other and. slowly chipping away at the things that. you care about and trying to be a little. bit better of a person and if you can do. that and if you can be kind to other. people and if you can give up your. timeline and you can just keep reminding. yourself in those dark days that your. job is not to give up your job is to. glow and the way that you do that Oprah. is you say I know that this moment is. leading me somewhere I do and when you.

believe that you keep going I wish for. you the greatest success I hope this. book stays on the bestseller list I hope. it it never goes off I really do it's a. GameChanger but it's it's not just a. game changer it's a life Cher it's a. Life Enhancement I think when people. read the book you're going to want to. share it with other people there's so so. so much more that we didn't get to in. this conversation the let them Theory is. on sale December 24th wow give it to.

yourself as the gift for 2025 you can. also pre-order it now buy one for. yourself I'm telling you don't just buy. one you need to buy at least two or. three do not just buy one because you're. going to be reading it and you're going. to want to give it to somebody else and. then you're going to mark up your book. and you're not going to want to give. them your book so you need to get more. than one I'm telling you it's a perfect. gift for the new year make it your. personal goal to let them and of course. Mel is also the host of the wildly.

popular Mel Robins podcast thank you. everybody for listening congratulations. on this thank you yes I love you I love. you too you can subscribe to the Oprah. podcast on YouTube and follow us on. Spotify Apple podcast or wherever you. listen I'll see you next week thanks. everybody.