Oprah and Former Us Surgeon General Break Down Why Humans Feel So Lonely

hi everybody and thank you for joining. me on the oit podcast it was just about. a year ago when the Sesame Street. character Elmo posted a question on. social media in just nine words he. Unleashed a flood of feelings for. millions of people he wrote Elmo is just. checking in how's everybody doing well. that post was viewed over. 220 million times and I remember. thinking wow Elmo has revealed for us.

that a lot of people are not. okay today we're talking about a. challenging human emotion. loneliness welcome welcome welcome I'm. joined by US Surgeon General Dr VI Mery. there's something else that's going on. something deeper that's actually. breaking our Spirits as we face this new. year let's tap into this undercurrent of. loneliness that many people are feeling. New Year's Eve is one of those holidays. that I personally dread because people.

are in couples you see a lot of people. who look like they're busy who look like. they're out with their friends and have. all these plans so when I'm scrolling. and seeing that it really doesn't help. I'll share one of my lonliest New Year's. Eevees come midnight I I was with no one. I was calling the operator to say happy. New Year if you're feeling isolated. lonely or not a part of the world Dr. murthy's on a mission to rece restore.

human connection the truth is all of us. are craving for something that will. strengthen our spirits and fill that. hole and Community is our solution so. everybody thanks for joining us on this. podcast so we're posting this on New. Year's Eve and I know a lot of people. love this holiday and for other people. it can be a really challenging time it. brings up a lot of feelings I know of.

expectations and also regrets and so I'm. so delighted to have with me today the. US Surgeon General V Mory uh is here he. came to my tea house yes I'm just happy. to have you talk about this because. you've been telling us for the past four. years that there is a loneliness. epidemic in this country and I think. that song All the Lonely People where do. they all come from I think all the. lonely people feel even lonelier during.

the holidays and particularly on a on an. evening like this because you think. everybody else is out and everybody's. doing things and here you are alone so. you have this Clarion call for us why. are we in this state where loneliness is. an. epidemic well Oprah I I'm so glad that. we were talking about this because 10. years ago I don't think we would have. been having conversations about issues. like loneliness yeah because when I went. through medical school for example I. never learned about loneliness as a. health issue when I was growing up as a.

kid were people lonely 10 years ago too. as lonely as they are now well I do. think it's gotten worse uh and we can. talk about some of the reasons why okay. um but I think even for those of us who. may have been experiencing loneliness. years ago and I include myself in that. mix as a kid I struggled a lot with. loneliness the scariest part of the. school day for me was lunchtime walking. to that cafeteria not knowing if I'd be. able to sit next to somebody but for all. of us who experienced it for many of us. we thought we were the only month yes.

and it was only years later Oprah when I. reconnected with classmates from school. that many of them said oh wait you were. struggling with loneliness too so so was. I I thought I was the only one but I. think that a chance to talk about it now. is really important because the two. things that I have learned about. loneliness is that one it's. extraordinarily common so more than half. of young people are struggling with. loneliness a third of adults that is so. surprising to me because it seems to me. that young people are constantly. consistently on their phones talking to. somebody or texting with someone so how.

could you be lonely if you in constant. contact so that's the right question and. I think it comes down to the fact that. whether we're lonely or not has to do. with the quality of Connections in our. life not the quantity so if we have for. example thousands of followers on social. media doesn't necessarily mean that. we're not lonely and there's nothing. wrong with having thousands of followers. but if we rely on those uh that Network. as our source of social sustenance then. that can be problematic what matters is.

the quality the quality of the. relationships not the quantity so you. can have a million followers no real. connection with any of them and when. they're sleeping or not texting you or. whatever uh posting with you you feel. avoid that's right because the quality. of connections OA is really about do we. have people who know us deeply for who. we are do we know others are we able to. show up for them in a crisis and do they. show up for us can we be ourselves.

around other people and if we're honest. about it and I include myself in this. mix too many of us probably walk around. the world with masks on yeah trying to. be somebody that we think other people. want us to be or what Society tells us. we should be and sometimes though if you. have the chance to be with somebody. who's a true friend where you can take. that mask off and just be yourself you. know how good that feels how powerful it. is those are the kind of relationships. that actually contribute to a sense of. connection so if you don't have that in.

your life a relationship a relationship. or relationships where you can take the. mask down so you can you know not smile. when you don't want to and all that. stuff you you you uh risk. being having this feeling of loneliness. that's right that's right so it's the. quality of the. relationships okay and you suggest we. also embraced Solitude I embraced that a. long time time ago and uh Solitude is.

actually I have to say it's actually my. happiest place and when we're not. podcasting in this room this is one of. the places I come to be with myself so. explain the difference between. loneliness and isolation because I spend. a lot of time alone and I love it yes. yeah and open just out of curiosity how. much time do you think in a given day. you spend alone in solitude um.

um well if stedman's not here who. travels a lot I. am. alone all day all day all day and would. you consider with STI with STI the dog. so I don't consider that actually being. alone I feel like s is a person with fur. yeah yeah and would you consider. yourself an introvert or an extrovert. absolutely introvert yeah absolutely so. this is really interesting to talk about. introvert with the appearance of being. extroverted.

yes was interesting you know a lot of. people think that I'm an extrovert in my. job because I have to meet lots of. people and engage with communities. across the country but the truth is I'm. an introvert too and have always been uh. my whole life and for people who are. introverts you need more time in. solitude so what is Solitude well. Solitude is a state of welcome aloneness. it's we're by ourselves or other people. around us but we don't feel sad uh we. don't feel like something is missing or. lacking in our lives and in fact don't. feel bored many times Gail will call me.

and say what are you doing sitting with. your thoughts because many times I'll. say oh I'm just being with my thoughts. and she go what are you doing sitting. with your thought yeah as a matter of. fact I am yeah I don't feel like the. need to have to talk to anybody or do. anything or prove anything but that is. because I am I am basically an introvert. and I refuel myself to go out into the. world and act like an extrovert yeah. through th those moments of solitude and. and those moments of solitude actually. we all need whether we're introverts or.

extroverts what differs is how much we. need so an extrovert might need very. little Solitude yes an introvert might. need a lot more like us yes but the. truth is we all need it because. something very important happens in. moments of solitude that is where we. allow the noise around us to settle yes. it's when we can reflect on what's. actually happening in our life uh it's. when we can just let ourselves be. grounded and actually relax a bit. because what's happening a lot of times. in especially in the current world where. we have so much coming at us through. digital mediums and and and other.

platforms is we feel like we're. constantly being stimulated by something. we have to engage in a particular way we. have to perform for others and Solitude. can be a time where it's just for you. where there's no pressure to be anyone. there's no pressure to do anything it's. just time for you now how we experience. Solitude Oprah could be really different. for some people Solitude could be a few. minutes when they're sitting on their. stoop in front of their house and. feeling the breeze against their face. for others it could be settling in to. just read a book by by yourself or to.

journal uh and think about and reflect. on what's happening in your life it. could be time in meditation or prayer we. may have different ways we experience. solitude but we all need some of it in. our. life I feel like giving yourself that. time to be with yourself is an. opportunity to. re-engage refuel. restore and I think a lot of people have. anxiety when they are forced to have any.

kind of solitude at all have you. experienced that absolutely any kind of. like Solitude other than sitting on the. toilet makes people feel like I need to. be doing something or and even there. like most people will bring their. devices into the bathroom these days too. right so even that Solitude has been. taken away yeah but but you're right. that there's actually a discomfort with. being alone that has grown because one. of the promises you know of our devices. and our phones in particular was that we. would never have to be alone so we them. with us everywhere you.

know from it right and when we are we. feel a little anxiety like oh my gosh. where is it you know what am I supposed. to be doing right now but I actually. think one of the skills that we have to. build just like brushing our teeth or. taking a shower is actually learning how. to be with ourselves and find peace in. that Solitude uh it's an important skill. that I'm trying to teach my kids also. right now who are six and eight um. sometimes they also just want to be. around something all the time but we'll. sometimes as a family just sit together. and say okay for for 60 seconds we're.

just going to close our eyes and we're. going to breathe together 60 seconds of. solitude that's it so but that's just a. small way to start getting used to what. it feels like to be alone and the time. where I realized that maybe it was. starting to work was the other day I. took my son into the pool and nobody. else was there it was just me and. him and you couldn't hear cars you. couldn't hear anything it was just the. breeze the trees and the two of us and. he suddenly just stopped he looked. around and said Papa it's so peaceful.

and he just we sat there for like a. minute or two oh good job you're doing. good job you're doing good job you're. doing well we heard a lot from people. who I think were really Brave to share. their sense of loneliness because I. think it's one of those things too that. people carry Shame about being able to. say out loud that they are lonely so. Elaine we applaud you uh she's a. business owner who's single with no kids. in New York City and you say hi welcome.

you say your. singleness now you feel more than ever. why is. that yeah thank you to both of you for. taking the time to talk about this. important topic I'd say it's because I'm. single I live alone in an apartment by. myself most of my friends are now. married they've moved outside of the. city to the suburbs they have young kids. very busy schedules hectic schedules. shuttling their kids all over the place.

and that has it feels like it's left a. hole in my life in terms of those social. connections and I I live alone in an. apartment building with millions of. people right outside the door and yet I. can feel so isolated a lot and is it. this time of the year that you feel even. more. so absolutely New Year's Eve is one of. those holidays that I personally dread. because people are in couples the ball. drops and you're supposed to be with.

your significant other and it is. so depressing really you know what I. understand because I remember when I was. younger uh working as a young reporter. in Baltimore and everybody would say. what are you going to do your New Year's. Eve what are you doing New Year's Eve. and that question that people still ask. a lot creates a lot of anxiety and. embarrassment because if you don't have. an answer for what are you going to do. New Year's Eve you feel left out is what.

you're saying absolutely and you nailed. it the the term embarrassed I'm. embarrassed to share that I then feel. very self-conscious like what's wrong. with me I need to figure something out. because things are not turning out the. way that I want them to turn out and it. seems like it has for many of my friends. in my Social Circle so what's your. question for Dr morthy yeah um Dr morthy. I was just wondering if you had any.

insight given someone in my situation if. I should be putting my energy in to. reconnecting with old friends or if I. really should be trying to build new. relationships with people that are in. more of a similar stage of life I guess. I would say well he wrote together the. healing power of human. Connection in a sometimes lonely world. well Elaine first of all thank you for. sharing uh that story it's not easy. sometimes to share our strug with. loneliness and as somebody who felt.

embarrassed for many years about my own. loneliness I I know that takes courage. so thank you and the second thing I just. want to say is that I think you're I. have felt what you describing that. feeling that once your friends get. married and have kids it's like where. they go you know they disappeared and. you don't have much interaction with. them anymore and that can be a really. lonely experience here's how I think. about old versus new friends first we. actually all need some friends who are. physically around us you know I have a.

lot of really close friends but they're. far apart they're not in the city that I. live in and one of the things I've had. to Think Through is how do I build some. friendships locally because how often we. see our friends in person really does. make a difference so thinking about is. there somebody at work or in school if. I'm in school or in my neighborhood who. I might want to spend a little bit more. time with they could be taking a walk it. could be just having lunch together at. work one day when we're both eating. lunch could be volunteering or helping a. neighbor out who might be having trouble. in their yard but these can actually. help us build the in-person connections.

that we need and if you don't have old. friends in person that's really. important but the second thing I would. say on this is that with old friends. quantity really does matter more than. quality sometimes we may have a lot of. people from our prior lives School old. jobs growing up and we might try to. spend a little bit of time with a whole. lot of people but what I would say is if. you can spend a whole lot of time with a. few people that's a much better way to. deepen those relationships and sometimes. that means showing up to where they are. you know I used to sometimes go to my.

married friends who had kids I would. just go over during bathtime you know. for their kids you know in the evening. when they're giving them dinner and I. would just help out I read story. sometimes and then sometimes they would. just come over uh and help me as well. and I would just tell them to put their. mind at ease because keep in mind a lot. of parents even though it doesn't look. like this in the outside they are. actually very lonely too because. parenting is actually quite isolating. and so I would often tell them just come. over and bring your kids don't worry if. they're screaming if they make a mess. don't worry they're going to break. something just be yourself and come over. and that just really lowered the barrier.

for us having time. together so I think what you're saying. Elaine this is going to call for you to. step out of your box a little bit. because yeah because are you introverted. too like we are I am but I'm also like. you where it can appear that I'm. extroverted but I'm really not yeah yeah. so it's going to take stepping out of. your box a little bit and reaching out. and deciding don't you think it's too. about what do you want your lack of. loneliness to feel like what do you want.

your engagement to feel like what do you. really see yourself doing having a. vision for what that might look like and. then you as smart as you are taking the. steps to make that happen yeah I know. you can do that thank you and also not. be embarrassed by the question of what. are you doing New Year's Eve you know I. haven't decided yet or I may just stay. stay at home or whatever your answer is. to honor that and make it a true thing. for you I think because for so many. years I was embarrassed with that I.

remember being in Baltimore Lane years. ago when I was young reporter and people. asked me that question I felt so bad so. come midnight I I was with no one I. ended up call this is when we had. landlines I was calling the operator to. say Happy New Year I was calling the. fire department and the police. department Happy New Year I love that. yes yes yes yes I'm going to channel you. so thank you so much to both of you okay. thank you so much I read research that. shows that Jin Z which was so surprising.

to me that this generation right now is. the lonliest the younger people are. grappling with this also why do you. think well that's that's absolutely. right and it's counterintuitive because. we think young people are connected by. technology all the time why would they. be lonely it's because a few things are. going on number one connecting through. technology having friends online is not. the same as having friends in person uh. and what has happened over time. especially as social media has become to. such a deeply ingrained part of our.

Lives is that we've moved from having. confidence to contacts from having. friends to having followers a shift from. quality of friends to quantity and the. truth is that there are certain things. you can just say to people online that. you would never say to them in person. right because you know it might be. hurtful or you might you know you adjust. how you say it um but when we're in. person with other people it's just a. richer interaction see because we. evolved over thousands of years as human. being to actually have in-person.

reactions interactions to not only hear. what somebody's saying but to to. appreciate the the tone of their voice. and the expression of their face and. their body language which means that's. why a lot of things get lost the context. gets lost in the text Amber is 29 years. old maybe a smidge older than jiny and a. social media marketer from California. Amber I hear you're living by yourself. right for the very first time and you. described yourself as a big time. extrovert so what does loneliness feel. like for.

you yeah just a bit of like backstory on. me Oprah thank you so much Dr morthy. thank you so much for taking time to. talk to me um until recently I have. never lived on my own I've always lived. with family or friends and being an. extrovert I get recharged being around. people so now that I'm over an hour away. from all of my friends and my boyfriend. I find myself struggling with loneliness. and I've never felt that before like the. way that it makes me feel is that I'm.

forgotten about and that I'm not as. likable as I thought that I. was Amber I'm sorry to hear that that. that sounds hard to feel that way. especially after you're used to being. around people for so many years how have. you been managing those feelings of. loneliness you know I find myself like. reaching out more proactively to my. friends um but what is difficult is. working in social media like you see a.

lot of people who look like they're busy. who look like they're out with their. friends and have all these plans so when. I'm at home alone and I'm scrolling and. seeing that it really doesn't help um so. I reach out to my friends but then when. they tell me they have already have. plans I kind of feel like left out I. just like it's such a weird place to be. and I've never experienced or felt this. way before and it is because is it. because of what we were sharing earlier. or you were sharing with is that. extroverts experience loneliness more.

intensely yeah well they certainly are. more likely to experience loneliness. when they have shifts life shifts like. you just had right where all of a sudden. you're taken away from a high high. volume of interaction with others so in. some ways yes you know there's weirder. risk uh for you with making a move like. you're making but but Amber what I would. I would say is that number one I just I. so appreciate you having the courage to. talk about this openly that's not easy. that's a big step I say yeah and the. second thing just to remember that.

you're not the only one who's lonely I. know it seems like everyone else is. connected going to parties hanging out. with friends you know just surrounded by. people all the time because that's what. their feeds look like on social media. right it's what people post about nobody. posts about the lonely moment uh that. they're having or not knowing on a. Friday night what they're going to do or. not having plans for New Year's Eve but. the truth is one thing I realized uh. when I was single for many years and I. would feel particularly on Valentine's. Day I'd feel really alone is I realized. that when I started reaching out to.

people that a lot of my friends were. also feeling kind of alone sometimes. because they were single sometimes they. were paired but their partner was far. away right and they couldn't be with. somebody so we actually just started. getting together on Valentine's Day. recognizing that we actually weren't. alone that there were a bunch of folks. who are also feeling the way we were so. I just would I want to tell you that. because I know sometimes it's not. obvious based on what you see on on. social media I like getting together on. Valentine's Day cuz love isn't just for. lovers that's right yes yeah and what.

was your main question though you wanted. to ask Dr. morthy Dr morthy my question to you is. how can I balance enjoying my alone time. and enjoying my own company while still. feeling like I'm connected to the world. around. me well that's a really good question. Amber I think one thing I would. encourage you to think about is during. your alone time um is to think about. what what do you enjoy doing like is it. is it taking walks or exercising is it.

reading is it journaling and reflecting. like what is it that actually gives you. uh some joy and just to recognize and. what is that how would you answer that. yeah do you know yeah I love working out. and I love music so I think those two. things would be what I enjoy the most. yeah that's great there's no. prescription for how much time you. should be spending alone in that way. like this is really it's different from. person to person introvert to extrovert. but what's really important is that you. have at least some time on a regular. basis ideally a few minutes each day.

where you can just be on your own let. that noise settle and just be yourself. and if you do that on a regular basis. and this feels good you can do a little. bit more right but making sure you. protect it is important because one of. the things that we were just talking. about earlier is there are all kinds of. forces around us that siphon our. attention away right that pull us into. uh something else whether it's spending. more time on social media or reading. about what's happening in the world and. now that those things are bad in and of.

themselves right it's good to be. informed about the world sometimes. there's good that can come from social. media but that can suck up all of the. white space in our lives right so that. before it used to be that whenever we. were meeting a friend for dinner and. they were late by 10 minutes we waited. for 10 minutes and we just thought we. watched what was happening around us. that was just time when we were on our. own but we fill all of that time now. with our devices so I would just. encourage you also just to think during. those times of solitude to protect them. right to keep your devices out of it you.

know to and just make sure that even if. it's just for a few minutes you have. that time on your own and the rest of. your day you know can be spent with. people as you wish but we all need that. Solitude even if it's just a little bit. each day you know I would recommend. there's a book that's been so helpful to. me with accepting and embracing solitude. it's eart to's book called Stillness. Speaks I was going to tell you you. should get that book but I you know what. I'll get your address from my producers. and I'll send it to you and that book is. always by my bedside table and I just. read like a little passage and allows me.

to like go in and inside and embrace the. Stillness in ways that are more mindful. so I will get that to you Stillness. Speaks and you looks so beautiful thank. you for joining us I mean my God you got. up and did your makeup it's gorgeous. they only for you guys because like I. said I work from pal so typically a. potato on the other end but thank you so. much and um I really appreciate your. time thank thank you Amber Devin works.

for the government in Washington DC. Devin I hear that you're experiencing a. different kind of loneliness tell us. what's going on with. you um so first off thank you Miss winry. and um Dr Mory for this opportunity I. lost both of my parents a couple of. years ago um and we were very close we. were extremely close I would tell my. parents everything and the different. type of loneliness I'm feeling is like. not is different than grief because.

grief is something different the. loneliness I'm experiencing is missing. them in times of good news um different. things that I experienc in in life that. you know you want to share you want you. want them to be here to celebrate and. share yes ma'am yes ma'am my question. for Dr morthy would be can you put in. the words the difference between grief. and. loneliness well definitely first I'm so. sorry about the loss of your parents I. think that's one of the biggest losses.

that we can experience in life yeah a. lot of people feel completely unanchored. I remember when Gail lost her mother uh. the night her mother died she called me. and said I lost my anchor today oh so. you feel. unanchored yes definitely yes ma'am yes. ma'am so that that's a big loss and I. think giving yourself Grace and space to. to recognize that that that's not a loss. we ever fill in 100% you know and never. we we don't forget about the parents we. lost that that hole will be there but.

the pain we experience can diminish over. time and part of what helps in doing. that is number one to be able to speak. openly about our our parents and about. what we're going through I to be able to. share who they were what their Joys were. that they brought to your life like what. kind of people were they how did they. inspire you to be able to talk to people. you care about and love about your. parents is important to be able also to. talk to others who are going through. this kind of loss can be incredible. helpful Devin and sometimes we think.

that because somebody went 3 four 5. months you know after a loss they're. probably fine now we're not fine right. these losses stay with us uh for a long. time we miss our parents for years my my. grandfather who I was very close to my. maternal grandfather died when I was in. 10th Grade and I still miss him I still. think about the the multiplication. tables we used to do together about the. walks he would take me on to the ice. cream store and I whenever something. good happens in my life I still wish he. was there so that won't go away but the.

pain that we feel can turn to to Pride. you know into positive memories I always. think of it this way Devin too I know. this have experienced this because I've. had 21 dogs and watched each of them. pass in. their their journey to wherever we go. when we leave this Earthly plane and. they've taught me a lot about living and.

dying watching my animals and I can feel. that some of them have little souls and. some have had bigger souls and you know. a bigger imprint on my life and I feel. this for all the people who I have loved. who've gone that I now have angels I can. call by name I feel the presence of Maya. Angelou Sydney porier now Quincy Jones. my own father and mother I feel the. essence in Spirit of them in ways that I.

could not tap into when they were in the. physical body and so when you were. saying develyn that you wanted people. here wanted your parents here for the. joyous times to be able to share. wonderful. moments I believe that they are here. they are as much here as they've ever. been and they are smiling on you in. those joyous moments in ways that if you. open the aperture of your heart space to. allow yourself to feel the spirit of. them you can feel their presence in ways.

that you could not when they were in the. density of the flesh I believe that they. are right here with you now and not only. do are you speaking their names to. people on a daily basis but now you're. on this podcast reaching millions of. people speaking their names I appreciate. that I I truly believe that I I I do. truly believe that I don't know if you. recall meeting um my mother back um on. your life if you want tour in DC the DC.

stop you met her and that was one of the. biggest pleasures of her life. oh that's so meaningful to me thank you. so much and what was your mother's name. what was your father's name Margarita. Gardner conel Garder oh see we speak. your names we speak your names I. appreciate that opportunity thank you so. much thank you thank you so much develyn. so um Karina a mother of two runs a. daycare uh in New York state and I hear.

that you're on a mission to end. loneliness you and Dr VI need to get. together okay tell us what you're up to. absolutely I am so honored and thrilled. to be here because as you said Oprah I. am truly passionate about this and so. now what I've done as a business owner. is um from from a personal need I I feel. that sometimes being in business can.

tend to get a little bit. lonely and so I I took it upon myself to. start a women's um business networking. group I put events together for a women. that are in business to attend and as I. started doing that and telling friends. and Neighbors about it um I quickly. realized that there is a hunger for. connection. out there yeah it's it's such an like an.

innate natural need for humans so you. have experienced you what what VI talks. about in his book the healing power of. connection through Community you have. experienced that yourself bringing. people together. yes yes I have and I and and I have. experienced firsthand through these. small events and my tiny little you know. space in the world um the the feeling. that these women. leave the events with they we they come.

in feeling a certain way and after. sharing and laughing and sometimes. crying about things that we share um. they they leave feeling elevated and. they leave feeling alive can I ask you. this did you do this specifically. to um do whatever you could to eliminate. loneliness in the people that you were. seeing around you so it it first started. with my need as as a business owner um I. wanted to connect with other business. owners that had similar challenges like.

like mine and then as you you know as. you start talking to people um to to. women around um Town everyone was. telling me well I'm not a business owner. myself but I would love to be a part of. something like this I need this is what. I've heard I need to be a part of. something like this yeah so your big. question my big question is why are. people so afraid to be alone and where. does that fear come from H that's a.

really good question and let me just say. I'm so excited and proud of what you're. doing I mean this is extraordinary. you're helping build community you're. helping solve the loneliness epidemic in. our country and in the world so thank. you you're doing exactly what he says in. the book that we all need to do and you. you've already done it you've reached. out you've made the connections you. understand the healing power of that. yeah I I think there are two big reasons. why people are scared to be alone I. think one is is cultural I I think we. live in a very extroverted society and. we essentially tell people if you're.

alone on Friday nights if you're alone. on holidays if you choose to be alone. then something's wrong with you and. maybe you're not desirable in some way I. think the second reason though has. actually biological and evolutionary. which is that we evolved over thousands. of years to need one another and when we. were hunters and gatherers like the. person who said you know what I can do. it on my own I don't need anybody else. that person got eaten I was going to say. was devoured yes or starved you know. because they didn't have enough food but. it was the people who said you know what.

we're going to come together build. trusted relationships those are the. people who survived and did well so when. we're separated from one another it. actually induces this stress State a. physiological stress state in our body. and when that's and that can make us. feel fearful it can also have biological. impacts on Us increasing inflammation in. our body and increasing our risk of. heart disease and dementia as well as. depression and anxiety so they are both. cultural and biological reasons why. people are are scared to be alone but I.

do think to come back to something opr. and I were talking about earlier it's. really important to recognize that some. Solitude in your life is important that. being lonely and being alone aren't the. same thing that sometimes the welcome. aloneness that we all need from time to. time to just be with ourselves and. reflect and let our thoughts settle and. just be without doing anything that's. important for all of us whether it's a. few minutes a day or a few. hours yeah thank you so much thanks for. the the work that you're doing continued.

success and bringing people together in. ways that make them feel more connected. thank you so much Karina thanks so much. Karina thank you both Dr Murthy so. you're going to be leaving your post. soon and there's so many health issues. that we need to address in America what. would be your specific parting. prescription for us now. H there are a lot of health issues where. dealing with Oprah but one of the. questions I have been grappling with the.

most during my time as Surgeon General. over two terms now has been the question. of what is the deeper root cause of so. much of the pain and unhappiness that. I've been seeing all across our country. and really around the world and the. explanations that we see in the papers. economic challenges violence. discrimination other structural. challenges these are all real they. contribute there's something else that's. going on something deep. that's actually breaking our Spirits.

right and contributing to this crisis of. spirit and what I've come to realize now. after all of these stories and digging. into the data and research and. reflecting deeply on this is that there. are three critical forces for. fulfillment that we need in our life. that have been eroding. relationships purpose and service these. three elements relationships purpose and. service are the essence of community Y. and Community is what sustains us it's. both good for our life satisfaction but.

also for our life expectancy because it. improves our physical and mental health. uh it helps us deal with adversity uh. when it comes about and my hope for the. country I love and for the world that I. hope my children uh will inherit one day. and all of our children is that we. recommit to grounding our lives in. relationships purpose and service that. we recognize that yes there are forces. around us that are especially for young. people telling them that success is.

about Fame and wealth and power and that. Triad of success should guide their life. but I believe the Triad of fulfillment. relationships purpose and service is. what we need now more than ever Oprah. when I have moments when I feel anxious. about the future when I find myself. worried about whether I'm doing enough. in terms of my own accomplishments or. whether I'm reaching enough people Etc. and I have those moments I try to.

remember the lesson that my patients. taught me over the years the patients. who were at their end of life who I was. so privileged to sit next to and hold. their hands when they were reflecting in. their final moments on what really. mattered what made for a good life and. what's interesting to me Oprah is they. never talk about how many followers they. had on social media or how much money. was in their bank account or how big. their corner office was or how long the. res resume was what they talk about were. people the people they loved the people.

they helped the people whose lives they. touched it's so clear that in the most. important moments of life when only the. most meaningful strands remain that is. what Rises to the top and I don't want. us to have to wait till the end of our. life to realize that I feel like if we. make the decision today that we are. going to remake our lives and the. elements of the world that we touch. whether it's our workplaces our schools. our neighborhood oods around these. critical elements of relationships.

purpose and service we can build a. fulfilling life for ourselves we can. create a future for our kids that we are. proud of a future that Embraces them a. future that ultimately supports their. well-being I love this so much I think. relationships purpose and service and. particularly I have found that when you. take whatever job it is you do in life. whatever you think is your career. whatever you think is your calling and. you flip the Paradigm to one of service.

that I'm going to use my talent I'm. going to use my gifts I'm going to use. whatever it is I am skilled to do in. life in service to something that is. greater than myself everything changes. for you and that leads to more purpose. in your life and to better relationships. in your life so I think it all starts. with how do I use my life in service to. something bigger than myself I'm I'm so. glad you said that Oprah because there's. a very very. interesting thing that's happening which.

is that there are forces around us that. are telling us that the way to fill the. emptiness that many of us feel is to. focus more and more on ourselves right. to acquire more to achieve more to have. more do more exactly to do more yeah but. it turns out that when we focus on. connecting to something bigger than. ourselves yeah that's actually when we. find joy it's why service is one of the. most powerful antidotes to loneliness. it's why building community is one of. the most important things we can do for. our health and wellbeing and one of the.

people who taught me this was actually. my father who said a very interesting. and unexpected thing to me one day he. said VI the first time I really felt the. emptiness that feeling that something. was missing my life and it was painful. and it was gnawing was when I left my. Village in India and I was surprised he. said that because his life in the. village was hard they lived in extreme. poverty they didn't have money to buy. shoes or slippers there wasn't enough. money to buy food you know for a dinner. each night life was hard but in the.

Village People took care of each other. they looked out for each other's kids if. you were hungry they had you come over. and share in whatever little they had. people also knew each other not just. their names but they knew their stories. they spent time with one another and in. each other they found purpose in. contributing to each other's lives my. grandfather would even though despite. the poverty they lived through he would. spend a few weeks every year traveling. from Village to Village raising money so. they could build a youth hostel so.

students could study in the village and. people would say to him you're. irresponsible your own family doesn't. have enough to eat why are you going. around and raising money for these other. kids and he would always just say those. kids are our kids. too that sense of purpose that we are. here to take care of each other. contribute to each other's lives that's. what my father had in the village he had. relationships he had a culture of. service he had a sense of purpose and. that's what we need to rebuild in all of. our Lives it is eroded over time but it.

doesn't mean it can't be rebuilt uh and. it doesn't mean that that's what we're. not all called to I think the Trap we. fall into is into thinking that we're. the only ones who are feeling lonely who. are feeling that emptiness inside but. the truth is all of us are craving for. something that will strengthen our. spirits and fill that hole and Community. is our solution well thank you for. together for the healing power of human. Connection in a sometimes lonely world. thank you so much thank you. thank you Dr murthy's book has called. together the healing power of human.

Connection in a sometimes lonely world. thank you for listening and watching on. YouTube you can subscribe to the O. podcast on YouTube and follow us on. Spotify Apple podcast or wherever you. listen I'll see you next week thanks. everybody.