Daughters Are Struggling. Here's What They Need From Us with Psychologist Dr. Shefali

This episode of the Oprah podcast is. presented by our partner Geico. Today. we're talking about the specific. difficulties in raising daughters in. today's world. >> Parents are in a new era now. >> It's not the same. >> It's not the same. We have to become. humble and begin listening to what our. children are telling us. And they are in. pain. They're feeling the pressure of. knowing too much too soon, of being too. overexposed and too over sexualized. Your daughter now is on a platform where.

it's a global curation of overperfection. being presented to her as an ideal. Right now with the filters, now with the. like button, she's living disconnected, disembodied, dislocated. And that girl. is easy prey for predation. >> Instead of wanting your daughters to be. good, you want your daughters to be. heard. We want to train them to use. their voice and not just be good. >> Yes. So their voice that speaks to them.

first. We must allow our daughters to. lead the way for their own. self-direction, for their own destiny. >> Hello. It is just my pleasure to welcome. you once again to the Oprah podcast. I'm. so glad to be back on my front porch. with one of my favorite parenting. experts, uh, spiritual leader, teacher, worldrenowned clinical psychologist, and. New York Times best-selling author, Dr. Shafali. On a prior episode, we talked.

about the new challenges that so many of. you as parents are facing raising. children in this modern era. And we. focused on Dr. Shafali's book called. Raising Conscious Sons: Cultivating. Purpose, Connection, and Inner Power in. a Chaotic World. We can all feel how. necessary that book is. Check out that. episode if you have not already. And. now, today we're talking about the. specific difficulties in raising. daughters in today's world. Dr.

Shafali's book is called Raising. Conscious Daughters: Building. Confidence, Courage, and Inner Power in. an Anxious World. I think we can feel. how much this book is needed also for. our girls in the world. You had to do. two. Why? I had to write two books. because we are in a very unique. unprecedented. cultural turning point. And our children. are being raised in a world that is.

increasingly misaligned to provide them. the nourishment for their neurological, developmental, psychological, spiritual. needs. And I felt I had to write two. books because boys and girls and this is. not about gender dichotomy. This is not. about a binary. Of course, you can read. one book and see more of your son in the. daughters and vice versa. But I wrote. two books because boys and girls go. through very specific, precise and.

different developmental trajectories, hormonal landscapes, and culture. exploits them very differently. >> Wow. I asked you this on the other. episode before. or give us a quick. refresher for those who are not familiar. with what it means to be a conscious. parent because we I we first became. friends. I was introduced to your book. conscious parenting and I was so struck. by that because I'd done so much work.

with echarttole and you to me seemed. like the echarttolei for parenting and. turns out that's what you'd said to your. publisher. >> Yes. >> When you presented that book. Yes, Echart talks about presence, attunement, stillness, and recognizing the. projections from our own wounds. Well, who does that more than parents? We. constantly project onto our children our. unmet needs, our unfulfilled.

expectations, our fantasies, and we cast. our children into our movie as if they. were our object because they are ours. And so conscious parenting is a movement. that is my answer to the toxicity of the. traditional parenting model which treats. children as our objects. >> Yeah. And parents are doing it and. sometimes you know you hear those words. It feels like uh I'm sure a lot of. parents uh didn't take it well at first. when they were reading this about. themselves and the conscious parent.

>> and they don't see themselves as. creating a problem because they're doing. it out of love. I who've never had my. own children did this with I remember. one of my uh girls from South Africa. came to the United States. I remember. the night uh I might have shared this. with you before. I remember the night. that she got into Welssley. Um and I. always wanted to go to Welssley. >> She didn't want to go to Welsley, but I. wanted to go to Welsley and I talked her.

into going to Welsley. >> And she ended up having a miserable. time. >> Wow. uh feeling isolated and. disconnected and never felt like like. she belonged. And that was a huge. turning point lesson for me in. projecting what I wanted onto on on onto. her. And I learned because I've now put. over 800 girls through college. >> is to let them live their lives and have. their own will about whatever it is. they're they choose. >> Yeah. >> And I have literally released it. I have.

surrendered whatever anyone becomes. I. try to provide, you know, an. opportunity, an open door. >> And so, and I learned that from you. I. learned that from conscious parenting. >> Parents get so afraid to release trust. and autonomy onto their children. >> Yes. >> Because they were not raised with. autonomy, trust, and sovereignty. They. were raised with control. And most of us. are. So, we our love language is. control. Is possession.

>> because we think we are supposed to. >> Because we think we're supposed. We. don't know any other way. And we've. never been tuned in to listen to our own. sovereign spirit. So we don't know how. to gift that to our children. >> Yes. And it's so interesting. I was. talking to one of your friends, Par. recently who said that even though you. were her best friend and you all were. very close that she didn't realize until. you wrote the book Conscious Parenting. that she was doing that in her own. relationship with her son. Yes. Forcing. her son Yes. Many of you may recognize. this. forcing her son to have piano.

lessons, right? And he hated it. >> Right? From the most benign go kiss. grandma and the child is like, I don't. want to kiss grandma. She smells. Right? From the the pushing of the child from. that to play an instrument because I. want you to play an instrument or excel. in school or wear your hair like this. and go into a beauty pageant because you. look so cute. Get married to this. person, follow my god, all the way to. sexual exploitation and trafficking. It's all the same throughine of.

objectifying our children, commodifying. them, and using them to fulfill our ego, our unbridled ego. So, these books are. my interruption to the pipeline of. raising insecure girls to become. self-abandoning women, raising lost boys. to become prediting men. The these books. are my interruption of that pipeline. In. the beginning of raising conscious. daughters, uh, you write a wake-up call. letter to parents. You say, "As both a.

psychologist and a mother, let me say. this plainly. I am deeply troubled by. what I see unfolding in girlhood across. the industrialized world. For one simple. reason, this is not the way we should be. raising our daughters." What are you. seeing, >> Oprah? I could cry because I'm a girl. inside me and I'm raising a daughter. And our daughter's ecosystem, their. neurochemistry is so finely tuned to. relational nuance, so sensitive to cues.

from each other. They build their. identity. Girls, more than boys, and I'm. not saying boys can't do this, but more. so than boys, girls are primed to. develop an identity based within the. container of a face-to-face eye to eye. relationship. That's how they discover who they are. Now you're putting these very sensitive. fine-tuned forks into the tornado and. hurricane and tsunami of constant the.

algorithm the feed comparison. perfectionism. you know feeling bullied feeling. objectified over sexualized early. sexualization you're taking that. butterfly and she's lost in that tsunami. and that's why over I'll tell you the. stats okay I'll just rattle them off. because they're alarming. Okay. One in three girls are anxious. Anxiety disorder. Depression has doubled. in the last decade. Anxiety has doubled.

in the last decade. It's in the last. decade since the advent of technology. which is hijacking their attention and. consuming their sense of self. >> Depression has doubled. >> One in five girls by the age of 18 has. selfharmed. Self harm has risen. 188%. since 2010. Okay. >> Wow. That means girls cutting. >> cutting self harm eating disorders um. suicidal ideiation up 60% in the last. decade. One in four girls by the age of.

18 and this won't come as a surprise. I've been dealing with this um has had. sexual violence or sexual abuse. One in. two has been cyberbullied. So now you. take a girl whose intricate brain that. has amazing neural bridges between the. left and right hemisphere. She can talk. about her feelings. She feels more. deeply and can access her feelings more. deeply because of her neurochemistry. You know, estrogen finally tunes her. oxytocin and turns it on. So, her.

bonding hormone is right there and. estrogen does that. >> She's primed for, you know, becoming a. victim and prey to these forces that are. constantly telling her she's not good. enough. She needs to be more. G is not. perfect. You know, the filters. >> I don't know how how y'all are doing it. out there raising young girls because I. think with the social media and the. pressure. >> I mean, I look at my feed and I never.

end up feeling better about myself. >> I I how can you? And women, I'm sorry to. say, need to take some responsibility. because we are perpetuating the same. climate of perfectionism that. besieges us, that entraps us. >> Yeah. Well, that's why one of the things. I so appreciated and felt so compelling. in raising conscious daughters is this. letter. You created a hypothetical.

letter from a 16-year-old girl to her. parent that really is a compilation of. hundreds of conversations that you've. had with your clients, with your. patients uh of all ages over the years. So, I want you all to listen to this. Maybe this will resonate with you. This. could be your daughter. >> You tell me to trust you, but I don't. feel safe to. You tell me to love my. body, but I've never heard you say one. kind word about yours. You tell me to. find love, but I see how many of you.

stay in relationships that seem loveless. and dull. You tell me to speak my truth, but then you tell me to calm down when I. do. You want me to find purpose and joy, but I watch you burning out. You want me. to accept myself just as I am, but then. I never see you okay with yourself, like. ever. You always look stressed and like. you are in a bad mood. It's all so. confusing, Mom. You want to know the. truth about why I act the way I do? I'm. really scared most of the time. I don't.

really know how to believe in myself. Everything feels warped and shaky. I. know that what I see is based on what I. saw last in my feed and not the truth. And this freaks me out. I want to know. the truth, but I cannot find it. anywhere. When you were growing up, you. could just trust the news at least. But. now, none of us can rely on anything to. be real. most things are not and that is. an awful feeling. >> So you wrote that letter as a composite. because this is what the girls are. sharing with you for themselves.

>> Yeah. They're trying to tell the moms. and dads, hey, just because you are an. adult now and you went through. teenagehood, what I'm going through is. something that you don't know. So do not. tell me, oh, when I was your age, when I. was 21, this is what I did. Because I'm. growing up in a world that you don't. recognize. So at least have the humility. to know that you don't know. That's. where we all need to start. That's why I. wrote these books, my seventh and eighth. book, because parents are in a new era. now. So whatever we knew before,

>> it's not the same. >> It's not the same. We have to become. humble and begin listening to what our. children are telling us. And they are in. pain. They're feeling the pressure of. knowing too much too soon, of being. overexposed. >> Yes. >> Too overexposed and too over sexualized. and this is robbing them of their. rightful childhood. She knows that her. feed is curated to her desires and. insecurities. It's complete. manipulation. So, she believes.

>> these girls know that what they're. seeing isn't even real anymore. >> It's just for them to exploit them, their insecurity. Oh, you want to travel. to the mountains now? You your feed will. be full of that beguiling you, seducing. you to go travel. You only have to say. it in your phone. And then now you're. going to be shown mountains and trips. and all the things, >> right? And the same is for cult. ideology. The same is for toxic. masculinity, misogyny. Misogynistic. messages are coming through her phone. and into her brain. And she's not ready. to process it. She has no language for.

it. Yeah. >> But she's being told she's an object way. before she even realizes that she's a. body that she can own. >> Yeah. She's been objectified. >> Yes. >> Yeah. And our daughters will look to the. women around them because their mirror. neurons are so activated that they will. identify with the modeling that we. provide as women. And that's why I teach. mothers more than anyone. If you want to. raise sovereign daughters, you have to. learn to self-love. And if you continue. in your self-loathing and if you're at.

war with your body and if you are always. in the land of more, more and never. enough, your daughters are absorbing. that. So you have to you owe it to your. daughter to heal and enter wholeness. >> But don't you you also say in raising. conscious daughters that that's where we. are with girls now that we are in the. land of more more more. >> Yes. And you know it's one thing to put. pressure on our children. We've always. done that. But it's another thing when. your daughter now is on a platform where.

it's a global curation of overperfection. being presented to her as an ideal. Right now with the filters, now with the. like button. So now it's become a. constant audition there. She's always. auditing. She's never herself. She's. always the persona and never the. essence. And she's living disconnected, disembodied, dislocated. And that girl. is easy prey for predation. She's easily.

manipulated because she's being told who. to be before she ever spent her whole. life manipulating herself. You're. spending all your time manipulating, >> right? I call it the perception prison. She's in this perception prison where. she herself is the prisoner and the. warden to her own essence. >> That's why I think this is such an. important book and raising sons because. whether you are raising daughters or. sons or not, you will see yourself in. these stories. Yes, >> our listeners tell us that the podcast. is resonating with you and is serving as.

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>> And we have parents of daughters joining. us. Christina is zooming in from. Michigan. Hi Christina. >> Hi. Hi there. >> Hi Dr. Say. Hi Oprah. Um I'm so grateful. for your focus and attention on this. topic. I have three daughters. They're. 15year-old twins and a 12-year-old. daughter. And I feel like what I once. knew to be true about parenting no. longer applies at all. Um, honestly, I. feel really lost. I feel like I'm.

constantly rerouting and recalculating. my approach. These girls are growing up. in a world of individualism, capitalism, social division, materialism. It's nonstop pressure like. you've said Dr. Shafali and comparison. and always striving for the. unattainable. the dopamine addiction. from their social scrolling. just continues to fuel that, you know, materialism. And every week there's a. new brand or object or thing that they.

need to have. And not to mention all the. scary news in the world and events that. are, you know, currently taking place. So, it's all just too much. And I've. watched my little girls grow from these. happy young girls into really anxious, overwhelmed, um, anxiety medicated, attending therapy. just to get out of bed in the morning. and go to school. And it doesn't feel. right. It's they've been raised in a. really loving and supportive household. with two parents and they're smart.

girls. They have friends. They're. athletic. But it doesn't seem like. that's enough anymore because of all the. external pressure. And so with all that. pressure, I feel like I am constantly. um bailing them out, rescuing them, making accommodations for them with no. consequences. Things my mother would. never have done. And I'm finding myself. >> Give us an example. Give us an example. >> Sure. Yeah. Absolutely. So, I think we. all have the instance where a child.

forgot something at school and you're. going to bring it to them, right? Once. in a while that happens. I feel like any. ask they make, they they forgot their. homework, they forgot their lunch, they. are cold. I am picking up these things. and rushing off to school. I'm. disrupting my day. I'm disrupting my. week because I see at a baseline just. how anxious they are at all times that. I'm trying to like hold them together. and scaffold around them and keep them.

going throughout their day. Um, and you. know, I'm almost embarrassed to admit. some of the things like that I'll. continue to buy for them or you know, experiences I'll give to them like. having a personal trainer because guess. what? their friends do and they're. afraid they're going to fall behind in. their sports team because they're not. running as fast as the other girls. And. I I am embarrassed. Like it truly feels. like I have to do this from a deep like. maternal instinct. And my question for.

you really is how do I start to let go. at this age? Natural consequences are. very important, right? But this anxiety, >> right? So you you have so much anxiety. also that they're falling apart, right? And I do not blame you. I just had a. 15-year-old. My daughter is now 23. So, I totally understand the pressures that. you feel as a mother because they're. feeling all this pressure to keep up, to. be perfect, to be something. So, we buy, we borrow, we we do anything to buttress.

a a flailing sense of self. But here's. where we are part of the pattern, right? And you know this, it doesn't feel good. to you because you're you you know. you're being pulled against your will. But that's what our daughters are. They're being pulled against their will. We are being swept by the undertoe of a. materialistic consumeristic culture that. we all are feeling helpless with. So. what do we do? >> Yeah. And and and what is she really. teaching her daughters by giving in to. every single thing that they ask? What.

is what is she really teaching? >> Well, she's really teaching them that. yes, your personal trainer matters for. your identity. Yes, getting into that. team matters for your self worth, right? We're actually we're doing the very. thing that is actually going to keep. taking from them. It's it's it's a. neverending cycle because that's how. they've got us hooked and they've got us. parents anxious because our girls are in. a panic attack over I do not blame her. They come to her and they're screaming, crying, they're having a meltdown. She's.

afraid they're going to self harm if she. doesn't give them the car or the gift or. the jewelry because all the friends are. being bathed in this ocean, this current. of anxiety, panic, perfectionism, hyperexposure. I mean, it's girls are at. a different level because their. attunement to culture is even more. So, we have to scaffold them. So, now you. think you're scaffolding them by buying. them that purse, by buying them that. vacation or whatever, that bobble. But. here's the thing. You're actually.

feeding the monster because you are. teaching them that yes, their worth. means that they should look beautiful. and fit in. So what do we do as parents? Very hard. Not saying it's easy. And I. talk about the pillar of anti-fragility. in the book. It is so important for us. as parents to make them anti-fragile. What does that mean? We have to teach. them that they will be okay even if they. fall apart. But see, I know what this. mother is experiencing. She's like, "No,

they won't be okay. They won't be okay. So, let me pump them. >> with the drug, whatever the drug of the. day is." And this is where she's. codependent and she's enabling. And I. don't blame her. I've done this myself. because we're so worried. So, we're. anxious, they're anxious. So, we keep. feeding and giving the drug. >> How do you break the cycle? >> How do you break it? is to realize that. we have the teaching of resilience and. anti-fragility comes from the falling. apart comes from the rock bottom moment.

even with my clients I wait for rock. bottom not because I'm sadistic because. I know that it is only when you see. yourself at rock bottom and see yourself. able to handle it that you build the. anti-fragility and the resilience. So. what we're doing is protecting the rock. bottom from getting to rock bottom. >> So we never believe we're strong enough. So we keep feeding. We're stuck in this. loop. You're in a loop. They're in a. loop. You'll be millions of dollars, you.

know, poorer, and nothing will change. until you cut the loop and stop feeding. the monster. >> How does So how does she do that? >> She has a talk with them, comes to comes. to a coach like me, and I'm often the. bad guy who says, "I'm not We cannot. feed the monster anymore. We are now. drug addicted to the thing on the. outside and we all have to detox. The. whole system has to detox and it is. painful and scary especially with. anxious girls because you think they're. going to self harm. They're going to cut. themselves. They're going to harm. themselves. But we cannot feed that.

beast. >> cuz we're all afraid. They're afraid of. their own pain. We have to teach them. that we cannot be afraid of pain. Pain. is something that teaches us. It is our. gift and our invitation. >> It's one of the things you also said. about boys. So it applies to raising. children period. I see that you have to. let them know that if you fall apart, you will still be okay and I'm here and. that we all have fallen apart. >> and we and we are together. Yeah. >> And the relationship is strong enough.

See, you're not believing, Mom, that. your presence is more important than the. purse and the shoes. The shoes and the. purse are transitory and they're just. momentary gratification. You can hold. them through the falling apart and you. are going to be the one who will pull. them through. So if you believe in. yourself, they will fall apart. You're right. But. that is how we detox the beast. It's really interesting because I. thought we were at rock bottom when they.

wouldn't go to school and we're wouldn't. get out of bed and we were going to. therapy and you know taking these. anti-anxiety meds. So I think rock. bottom like that felt like my rock. bottom, right? But I realize obviously. that's. >> but because you're in this loop, it. means that it wasn't bottom enough. It's. coming again. Now you're just. buttressing it with things and things. are never going to teach them connection. to the self. They have to face. themselves at rock bottom.

>> I saw you have a a moment of recognition. there. things are never going to teach. them connection to their self. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> And pain does. >> And pain does. >> Pain does. Our ability to transcend and. transform and alchemize pain teaches us. connection to us. >> I know. But no parent wants their child. to have to experience pain. >> Yes. >> Yes. >> Right. And what you said about control. equaling love. I mean, I think that's. that is where I feel like I'm coming. from. I'm trying to manage.

>> control their environment and help and. consciously I we're you know. materialists I know that. >> I think you're trying to control them. falling apart and yet falling apart is a. very thing that will teach them. self-control. >> Oo well I'm grateful for that advice. That is a tough one to swallow. But um. you are certainly the person we need. right now to start being more disruptive. and sharing this information because. it's it's hard. It's really tough. >> Very hard. very hard. >> You're going to have so many ahas and.

seeing yourself in the book and be and. you'll be grateful for because one of. the things that she does is offer a path. forward. Not just stating what the. problem is, but offering a path forward. So, I could see your woof that that hit. you hard. But yeah, feels like the truth. to me. >> I mean, it does feel like the reason why. it hit you, Christina, is because you. know inside yourself that what she's. saying is true. >> 100%. And you know, I'll just tie it. back together, but just briefly, >> ultimately, Christina, it's your little.

girl that wants to be a good mother that. is actually unable to watch them fall. apart because then you'd have to face. that you can't control it all. And you. can't keep your kids happy. And that's. actually not your job. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. It's the little girl in us that. wants to be the best mom. dish you over. here because you're getting you're. starting to get to me with these things. Oh man. >> Wow. All right. Thank you so much. Thank. you so much. Thank you both.

>> Hello, dear listener. Head over to the. Oprah podcast Instagram to check out the. takeaway presented by Geico. >> I'm really happy to tell you about my. latest conversation with it's that quiet. time I take after an interview where I. can reflect on what sparked and what. stuck with me. I love to share those. takeaways with y'all. Unbelievable. And Geico is proud to. support these moments and the journeys. they inspire with insurance designed to. keep you covered and make life's road a.

little more manageable. So go to the. Oprah podcast Instagram where you can. check it out. Lisa's joining us from Illinois. Hi. Lisa. I hear you have twin girls in. college. >> I do. Hi Oprah. Hi Dr. Shafali. Thank. you so much. This is such an important. conversation. Um I do I have twin girls. They are 20. They are currently juniors. in college and um they definitely grew.

up um with anxiety as well from an early. age all through high school. And what. really has impacted them over the years. is the comparison culture or social. comparison that happens on Instagram and. Tik Tok. Um but now in their junior. year, there's a whole new pressure. They're all thinking about their careers. post college and what's really important. for most of them is to get an internship. right after their junior year. And so in.

particular for one of my daughters, I've. noticed that she's starting to really. struggle with LinkedIn because her feed. is exactly what you were talking about, Dr. Shafali where it's every single. person that she is connected to on. LinkedIn is consistently posting. self-promotional posts about all the. achievements um that they've received. academically um leadership positions.

that they've gotten in clubs and now. they're all in the process of posting. all the internships that they've. received and this has put some. incredible pressure on my daughter and I. Notice comparison comparison. >> comparison and she is saying everybody. has gotten an internship and I have not. gotten one yet. She used to be in high. school I think a perfectionist needed to. have the straight A's and now I see this.

all kind of falling apart and sort of. blowing up and what's happening now is. she's actually withdrawing. The question. is how do I help her through this? This. is obviously a very critical time in her. life. >> and how do I help her. >> proceed in this environment without. you know hurting her selfworth. >> You see when she was a perfectionist in. high school and was getting the good. grades and the trophies. >> it was fine and she got a lot of.

external validation and we were all. happy with that. But now you see these. things mutate on themselves. We just. don't see it coming. Too much. perfectionism breeds over anxiety and. the desperate desire to fit in. And your. daughter basically is saying if I'm not. in the high school yearbook, right? LinkedIn has now become like a high. school yearbook. The most popular, the. one with the most best job, the best. raise, the best salary, the best title. >> And these are children we're talking.

about. They they've not even formed. They are still in identity formation, but they believe they have to foreclose. their identity. That's the pressure the. world puts on them that you better. decide who you are, identify who you're. going to be in high school, right? Because that way they can prey on girls. wanting to find and because then if they. want to find, they'll go get training. earlier, they'll join classes earlier, they'll spend more money to train. themselves earlier than they should. So. your daughter has been misguided by. culture and it's our job as parents to.

align them back to reality. Even if. everybody's crazy on LinkedIn and. everybody's saying that they need to be. earning 100,000 by the time they're 18. years old and money matters so much and. status matters, we are here to teach our. daughters differently. And that's where. you step in and you teach her that when. she was winning the trophies and the. medals and the good grades in high. school, actually that was a tragedy. because she was actually doing it.

>> to chase worth not out of worth. And. most of us are chasing worth. We're not. expressing worth. >> Wow. >> So, she's doing all this just to fit in. So, it is empty. And it's just not. hitting her yet. She thinks that if she. gets the fancy job and the diamonds and. the cute boyfriend, it's going to give. her worth. She's so lucky she's not. fitting in because now she has to find. her worth without all of this. But you. see, she's falling apart. That's what. happens to us. The husband leaves us, we.

get a divorce, we put on 10 pounds, we. fall apart because who we are has been. so connected and mired with how we show. up in the world or how we look. So this. is your golden opportunity as a parent. to teach her to move away from the toxic. cultural messages and learn to discover. her worth which is right there waiting. for her within herself. So that means. you can't buy into this either. you. can't have a panic attack either. In. fact, she shouldn't do an internship.

right now at all and instead go to her. own self school like go to school and. learn about herself, discover who she. is, that's the school she needs to go. to, >> the self-discovery school. >> Yeah. Yeah. And so what if she doesn't. get the job and she doesn't get the. whatever the opportunity is. It's. happened to every one of us in life. And. you don't get that one. You recover. You. move on. You find strength from that.

And when the next thing shows itself, it. usually is an even better opportunity, >> right? And nothing against. >> you know, you know, that's how life. works, >> right? So for. >> Yes, that's so true. >> Yeah. >> For a girl like that, a platform is. toxic. Not for everybody, but for a girl. like that, she's very sensitive. So. parenting needs to trump the platform. Yes. Right. The adult needs to trump the. algorithm. That makes so much sense. So. much sense. >> Thanks, Lisa. I hope it gives you some.

guidance. >> It does. Definitely. So helpful. Thank. you so much. >> Thank you so much. >> You say in raising conscious daughters. Girls have been socialized by the toxic. patriarchy to compete with each other. Just as we're hearing here, each one has. been socialized to be prettier and. smarter than the others, to get the. attention of the males around them. Patriarchy has always thrived by turning. women against one another. Mothers. especially must model something.

radically different. That's what you're. saying. >> Yes. The greatest power the patriarchy. has is in dividing us against each other. >> and in us competing with each other, which we are doing. And it is in our. sorority and in our sisterhood that we. will stand up to the toxic patriarchy. But if we're too busy fighting and. competing with each other, with our. sisters, then patriarchy wins. We cannot. blame the toxic male on the outside when. we are being toxic with each other.

>> And and this is the thing. I mean, as. you turn the pages of this book, Raising. Conscious Daughters, every sentence is a. gem. I I I really appreciate this and I. know this is going to resonate with with. our mothers. If I had to identify the. single most corrosive condition shaping. the mental health of our daughters. today, it would be what I call the. psychology of more. Will you break that. down for us? >> Yes. We are in a pervasive oceanic. turmoil of this culture of never good.

enough. It's never enough. So, we have. to always optimize. And the wellness. industry is the leader of this. Like. make your bed, have your matcha, do. this, you know, do your Pilates, have. your protein, h you know, go out in the. sun, do your sun salutations. I mean, it's it's a sneaky way to keep us never. accepting who we are. This idea, this. toxic positive idea of keep improving. It's a it's a hollow way of keeping us. stuck in thinking there's a next self.

that's going to be happier. >> because there's never enough. It's never. enough. So, we want more and more. But. how about look in the mirror, >> accept that this is it. Wrinkles, cellulite, all of it. >> And this is enough. That's radical. >> India, a mom of two, joins us. Welcome, India. What's going on? >> Hi. >> Hi. >> Hi. Thank you guys so much for having. me. Um, so I do have an 11-year-old. daughter and I allowed her to get on. TikTok. Um, only because of like the.

dance trends because her school friends. were doing it. Her track friends were. doing it. So I allowed her to get on. there. Um, and so I do monitor it. I. make sure you know who she's following. and her followers are people that I. know. Um, but recently I noticed that. her algorithm changed to more about. makeup and skin care and beauty. enhancements, just things that an. 11-year-old should not be worrying. about. I want her to be like confident.

and comfortable in her skin and her. natural beauty, but I guess, you know, social media brings so much comparison. And so um my question is basically how. can I guide her in like a healthy way. especially since we didn't grow up with. social media at all. So I have nothing. to go off of. >> So just very gently I'm going to tell. you and encourage you and challenge you. to reconsider her being on TikTok. altogether because no matter how you can.

maneuver and monitor the algorithm will. outpace you. It is way smarter than you. It is watching your daughter's every. move. It is noticing when. >> literally her every move. >> Every move. She They're listening to. her. They're watching her take a selfie. and take it down because she's insecure. about it. And they will pump her with. beauty products because this is the new. marketplace for commodities. >> That's why she's getting all the uh. >> beauty products because any picture. she's taken or taken down that it it's.

like it's like having big brother. watching you all the time. We're there. That's where we are. >> Yes. and and you you you and I cannot. fathom the influence it is having on. your daughter's brain. It is beyond you. So I'm not saying. >> and can I just interrupt to say that. what one of the things you expressed in. the uh raising conscious son's book is. we've gone from the algorithms wanting. your attention to now wanting your. complete attachment. >> That is what is happening.

>> Yeah. And your daughter being on TikTok. at this age. >> is her attaching to a form of parenting. that you are not going to be able to. control. >> Yes. There is no consciousness in the. computer code. There's no consciousness. There's no consciousness there. It is. only exploitation for the purpose of. profit. You would not do this in regular. life. Do not do this. She is developing. her identity at 11. You know, 11 is the. turning point for most girls where they. go from self-ceelebrating, selfhonoring.

to a shroud of who they are within. moments without a Tik Tok, without the. comparison. So, the best gift you can. give her is to tell her that, you know, you as a family, your values have. changed, and you can bring her to a. therapist to be the bad quote unquote. bad guy, but you have to detox her from. this, even if all her friends are on it. Yeah. Okay. >> You can make them all watch this. >> Yes. You know, I I see you're not there.

yet. I see you're not there. I see. you're like, "Well, yeah, I know what. you're thinking, India. You're thinking. it's going to be really hard now to get. her off of Tik Tok because she's been on. TikTok." Yeah. But you're the parent. You're the mother. >> Yeah. Don't outsource your power to the. platform. >> Yes. Yes. Agreed. And I will say it was. such a drastic change with her Christmas. list this year from the toys to. literally just skin care and makeup. >> Mhm. At 11.

>> Yeah. At 11. >> Yeah. So, you already see it. >> This is what's so interesting. This is. what's so interesting and I think you. you you do a lot of this forewarning in. both of the books is that things that. seem mild now at 11 by the time she's 14. if you don't assert yourself in the. parenting role and continue to let the. computer and the algorithm do it you. will not be able to have any voice.

>> any influence the greatest influence we. have as parents comes from our attention. >> and our attachment. >> cuz it's about to get real out here. >> And it's going to get worse. >> It's going to get It's about to get very. real with AI being the companion to your. child in ways that you have no idea. >> Yeah. >> Mhm. >> And and the psychological impact of a. girl who sees herself with a filter. >> and sees, wow, my nose looks this way. and my cheekbones look I look better. >> If only I can just go buy all the.

products now to match that filtered. image. and you know the filter will just. keep outdoing her and. >> right 11 is just too young to process. that. >> she doesn't have the language. She. doesn't have the prefrontal cortex to. tell her what is fake and what is real. So you're throwing her into the tsunami. without the guidance and the guide rails. and so she's going to fall off the. cliff. >> Yeah. Yeah. Well, I Yeah, I I do think I am. going to get her off of it. It literally.

started with the dance trends and now. it's. >> it starts in a very benign way. >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You You were. doing what you thought was best at the. time, but Maya Angelou always said, "When you know better, >> you do better.". >> And you just heard it. You just heard. it. You can't say We all are witness to. you hearing it, India. So, you can't say. you didn't hear it. Yeah. Yeah. >> She's holding you accountable. >> Yes. >> Yes. Yes. Yes. Thank you, India. Thank. you. >> Thank you. Okay, we have one more Zoom.

Kiara is zooming in from New Jersey. Hi, Kiara. >> Hi, how are you? Thanks so much for me. Wonderful. Wonderful. I've taken a whole. page full of notes and I can't wait for. the book to come out um and buy it for. myself and my sister and all my mom. friends. I know there's going to be a. lot of really great wisdom in there. So, um this is a very difficult job of. parenting. Um I'm a teacher. I've been a. teacher for almost 20 years. uh middle. school children and uh nothing that I've.

ever experienced in the classroom ever. could prepare me for how difficult. parenting is. So, um just want to say. that right off the bat. Uh my husband. and I both full-time. We're really busy. but very hands-on. Um we've got two. teenage girls. Um our oldest is junior. She's 16 years old and then our youngest. is just about 14 years old. This past. year, we've had more challenges than. ever before with um academics and with. social pressures and with the older one.

is entering um romantic relationships. and um just everything that teenage. years bring. And we realize that we're. really venturing into behaviors that can. have real consequences if they're not. handled appropriately right now. This. past year has been really difficult, especially for my older daughter. She's. had um lots of uh um incidents aimed. targeted at her um with a boy in school. related to bullying. And. >> how old are they again? Remind us, refresh how old.

>> So my oldest is a junior. She's 16. And. then my youngest is 14. >> Okay. >> Um so the oldest, they've both actually. been um aimed at uh um incidences of. bullying. Um so much so that the state. of New Jersey has actually had to kind. of get involved and intervene. Thankfully, that's kind of in the in the. rearview mirror. Um, but we're just. trying to navigate the teenage years. with all of the pressures that come with. raising teenage daughters. I want to. give my girls, we trust them and we want.

to give them the autonomy to make their. own decisions and learn from their own. mistakes. Um, but at what point should. we step in? So, what is controlling. versus guiding my teenage teenagers. decisions and behaviors look like? Well, just as a general rule of thumb, anything that is self or other harming, so if it's eating disorders, cutting, suicidal ideiation, bullying another. person that is impinging on the. emotional and physical well-being of the.

self or the other, you need to step in. with your authority and influence and. take them to a coach, take them to a. therapist, take them to someone so you. get the support. But do not be in denial. that that is a passing phase because. these things very quickly catapult as. you saw with bullying. They became the. victims of bullying. So cyber bullying. is a real trauma now that our girls. especially are experiencing their sex. sex exploitation, their extortion, their.

cyber bullying. So I'm not surprised and. I'm really sorry though that this. happened because the bully is no longer. left in the schoolyard or the. playground. You see the bully follows. you home now and the minute you open. your phone in the WhatsApp chat in your. Snapchats the bully's right there in. these groups that the kids form and. leave you out. So it's very very you. know the the part of the brain that. lights up when a girl is rejected is the. same as the part of the brain as she's.

experiencing physical pain. That's how. painful it is to her to be excluded from. the social millu from the group. So it. is what your daughters have gone through. is traumatic. And so now you're talking. about the fallout of that and that is. you're going to see that it is. interrelated. It is not separate. And. the thing with bullying we need to. understand as parents is that. >> the girl begins to doubt herself. She. begins to think it must be me, you know, it must be my fault. So let me fit in. more. Let me wear this or let me become.

skinnier or let me become clever. >> So whatever you're seeing now is the. fallout. And it could be rebellious. behavior is because she's they are now. trying to fit in because that sorority. that community was taken from her. So. now she'll do anything to be part of the. group. So we have to understand the. underlying need here and not just focus. on the surface behavior. >> That makes sense. >> That makes sense. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. You're seeing the oscillation of. the devastation of her selfhood being.

ostracized from the group for a girl. that is death. >> Yeah, >> that is death to a girl. >> Yeah, >> Kiara, thank you so much. Thank you so. much. >> Thanks so much for me. >> Well, you write this about how young. girls can become so accommodating it. becomes toxic. What happens to the. daughter who's obedient and always. helpful? The one who smooths every rough. edge, who adapts, accommodates, and. rarely asks for much? The one who's. never a burden on her parents. I know a. lot of you are listening and you're. hearing yourself in this. Never too.

much, never in the way. She's every. parent's dream child. The answer is. this. >> She slowly disappears. >> Yes. She gets erased. I was so struck by. that because for years, as you know, I've talked to women on the Oprah show. all those years and even now who tried. to be the perfect daughter, the perfect. girl, the always good. This is a kind of. suffering, you say, that hides in plain.

sight. We don't recognize it as pain. because it looks like success because. she's the good daughter. Yes, we call it. good behavior, even ideal womanhood. But. inside our daughters and inside so many. women, the expectation to be all things. for all people siphons away her power. >> Yeah. This is the curse of the woman, the modern woman who wants to be the. savior, the fixer, the pleaser. She's. the parentified daughter. She's the. golden girl. And she's often raised by.

the mother who herself was parentified. and expects the daughter to take on the. legacy. So it's really the mother who at. the kitchen table will train her. daughter to be the next caretaker, the. emotional janitor for the household and. passes on that legacy. And what happens. is that that girl begins to identify as. that role as that function. So she. herself doesn't know who she is without. that role and that function. So she will. constantly look for broken pieces and. damaged goods to fix. So that gives her.

her identity of fixing. But in all of. this, she will burn out. because there's not enough people. outside she can fix. >> Wow. I want to read this passage about. when we uh praise our daughters. So to. every mother reading this, when you. praise your daughter for being good, helpful, or mature for her age, pause, ask yourself what that praise may be. teaching her and what it might be. costing her. Because without realizing. it, your applause can train her to.

abandon herself in order to be loved. And over time, the power that once lived. so freely inside your daughter will. begin to dissipate. Until one day, you. find yourself wondering how that bright, spunky girl slowly faded into a quieter, more careful version of herself and more. uncomfortably into a version of you, >> lost part of you. You know, I talk about. three pillars that are connected to what. you just said. The pillar of voice. It.

is our sacred responsibility to give our. daughters their voice. >> Yes. One of the things that struck me in. the book is that you were saying, you. know, instead of wanting your daughters. to be good, you want your daughters to. be heard. >> You want to train them to use their. voice and not just be good. >> Yes. So their voice that speaks to them. first. Yes. >> So that means they have to train. themselves to hear that voice, that. relationship with. >> and to trust that voice. >> Trust that voice. That is the first gift. we need to give our daughters. This. doesn't mean they're disrespectful.

Doesn't mean they're loud. It just means. they're heard. They are authentic. They're self- knowing. The next pillar I. talk about is enoughness. We must train. them in the language of this is enough. You've done enough today. Rest is not a. dirty word. You are allowed to be. ordinary. I talk about this in every. book. You are allowed to be unhappy. You're allowed to be imperfect. You're. allowed to be ordinary. And the third. pillar I talk about in the seven that I. outline is the pillar of self. authorship. We must allow our daughters.

to lead the way for their own. self-direction, for their own destiny. And that takes trust. So imagine women. in our generation who were never trusted. by their mothers. How can we bestow and. bequeath something we've never been. given ourselves? Well, we have to. cultivate it. And I teach parents how to. cultivate. >> That's what that's what the that's what. the young girl read in the letter. in. the composite letter. >> Yeah. She's like, "Listen to me. >> Listen to me. >> I I know. Listen. Trust me. I have a. voice. Can I allow it to unfold?".

>> Well, you write in the end. You say, "My. hope is simple and impossible. all at once." You say that somewhere. between these pages your heart is. softened, that your chest is loosened, that your shoulders drop just a little. bit and something inside you cracked. open just enough to let more love in. for the daughter you are raising and who. you now can see not through fear or. expectation you say but through.

reverence for her unmatchable power her. inhibitable voice and her untamed light. So what's the message you want to leave. with parents? >> That our daughters are not broken. They are not over dramatic or over. feeling. It is their capacity to feel. >> and our daughters have it more than. anyone else. >> that will heal the world. So you have to. preserve that as a parent. And in order.

to preserve that you have to scaffold. her from the toxic misogyny and the. messages from this world. She is a gift. to the world and she is a force to be. reckoned with and she has wholeness. waiting to burgeon but she will be. fragmented because she's also sensitive. and fragile and if you're not going to. protect her she will fragment. >> Wow. Thank you. >> Thank you. >> Thank you Dr. Fal for your paradigm.

shifting wisdom, raising conscious. daughters, building confidence, courage, and inner power in an ancient world. I. also highly recommend her podcast. It's. called Parenting. And you, if you're a. parent, you should be listening to Dr. Shafali. You can have access to her. wisdom anytime you need it because I. know it's hard out there for all of you. parents. I speak from having spoken to. parents for years and years and years. I. don't pretend in any way to even begin. to understand what it's like, but what I.

do know, it's harder now than ever. >> It is. >> It's harder. Thank you, Christina and. Lisa and Kiara and India for your. parenting questions. Until next time, everybody, go well. Get this book for. yourself. Get it for your friends. And. thank you to our friends at Geico for. presenting today's episode. Dr. Shafali. has two new books, Raising Conscious. Sons and Raising Conscious Daughters. And yes, as Dr. Jiovali says raising a. son versus a daughter are different. experiences. Both books are available on. September 15th. You can pre-order your.

copies right now by scanning the QR code. on your screen. The books are both. thoughtful. They're practical guides for. raising emotionally secure and resilient. boys and girls while also navigating the. complexities of today's world. I can't. recommend them enough. I know for sure. that these books are going to inspire. some meaningful conversations with you. as a parent and with your friends and. families. Our listeners tell us that the. podcast is resonating with you and is. serving as a bright spot in your day.

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