Open Thoughts with Bert Kreischer

[Music]. hello bro it's me and the one and. only cuz you say your name uh you do it. Bone. Crusher do it again Frank Crusher no. you're were closer than the first one. [Music]. BR Chrysler.

Chrysler. 300 no Bert Cher Bert kryer you know. what Bone Crusher is uh is it I was like. no I don't I I was going to guess m it's. a uh R&B singer and his first song came. out was called I ain't never scared and. I think it fits your description I was. thinking it was I'm scared a. lot I'm scared more than you I woke up. scared this morning.

H I wake up scared every morning why you. do that uh I think cuz I drink and smoke. weed and I think I have P panic attacks. in the morning I think about death every. morning when I wake up yeah it's not bad. just just think thinking is just. thinking thinking is free but yeah but. no but then you realize it's going to. happen yeah you can't stop it it's life. what if you what if people had to pay. the think do you feel. like I'd have a lot of extra money yeah. I don't like thinking too. much.

[Music]. I love when life you get in life and it. and I like when life that's what I like. about marijuana is it slows your brain. down a little bit and it forces you to. like take your thoughts one at a time. yeah I don't overthinking I that kills. me like when you overthink a thing but. yeah I only I I I would had. smoke if I don't like coffee you don't. like coffee coughing oh yeah I don't.

like coffee either really I I don't like. coffee because coffee reminds me when I. was in school that was my teacher. favorite thing and I didn't like the. teachers when I was young that was their. best friend yeah so it seemed like when. they drink coffee they got meaner and. meaner so I always had a grudge against. coffee does that make sense. yeah that's where you usually coffee. starts as a kid that's where you see it. that's where I got introduced to it ass. I got introduced to it by coffee cake. it's the first time I had like it was. the first chance I ever took on eating.

as a kid I was like what's that and my. dad's like coffee cake I was like I'll. try it and I tried it and I was like I. think I'm growing up I like coffee cake. he was like I was like ibly probably. would like coffee and then I tasted. coffee first time I ever had coffee for. real I was working on a law firm in. Tallahassee and the guy came in and he. was like he was like I already feel like. the story's going to go nowhere no no. I'm listening I'm list he going to. go and he's I and he was like your job. is to make coffee and I was like okay. and then he came in and he was like yo.

that's a half a pot get rid of it I want. fresh coffee when I come in I go what am. I supposed to do with that and he goes. [ __ ] drink it for all I care so I. started drinking like half the other. half pots when it get halfway and I was. so jacked that I walked home from the. law firm and left my car there I was. like [ __ ] wired I went to the gym I. lifted weights I was like what the. [ __ ] in. coffee was it worth it type sheet. what type sheet type [ __ ].

all right so type [ __ ] is like a word of. saying like I'm with you like type [ __ ]. like type like that's the type of [ __ ]. like so type [ __ ] so I'mma say something. and then I'll let you say it so yeah so. I'm about to tell you a story and you. said so basically I woke up this morning. and I was just so happy I was happy. because I brushed my teeth and I was. able to get on Instagram.

and I got five more new followers. outside of the five new more followers. my baby mama called me and told me come. pick up the baby I'm like oh what the. [ __ ] I got up and get the baby then I. put her in the car and I went home type. [Music]. [ __ ] how you feel I feel I feel like I'm. appropriating something yeah do after. you say but no I can't I'm learning new. things because listen to a lot of.

podcasts and so like I just learned what. no cap means I'm 51 I can't be like I. can't be like I just got my blood work. back my liver enzymes are good no cap. type [ __ ] yeah you could that would be. good that would be good so like let's. use that in a sentence like it's just. let's. say let's talk about the last standup. experience and just tell me the story. how it went and then throw in No Cap. like five times into that okay okay um. what city was you in last I was in. Atlanta I did uh the punch line Monday.

night okay okay then how that went break. it down to me uh I no cap I killed I. killed I had really fun I got drunk on. stage got a little loose uh. pause and then uh and then uh and I and. I was worked out I got some new I got. some new jokes some some stuff was a. little sideways No Cap but uh but I got. it in there pause typee [ __ ].

you're getting it you good bunny Marco. prize pick scene two take. six hello world I want to introduce you. to prize pick you download this app you. can pick your favorite players from any. sports even from Call of Duty you pick. more or less and what you put in you. will receive don't forget to put funny. Marco you put up 100 you'll get. 100 F you got to remove like the Hat. when you doing it though no.

type. [ __ ] it's kind of hard to say no cap. when you got a cap though oh is yeah oh. that would be that's that's like a. that's like a wait can I tell you a dad. joke I wrote yeah yeah. yeah this is my favorite this I wrote. this I wrote this high in a hot tub and. I couldn't stop laughing what did Mr T. say after he pushed 50 Cent in the. pool.

[Music]. you ready no I a I Ain't Got You got to. let me. guess that's not how joke. Works go ahead. [Music]. sh what did Mr T say p push 50 Cent in. the pool so Mr T what day where was it. what did it take place is that uh that. Puff Daddy pool party okay what day a.

weekend or week it was uh CCO de Mayo. okay around what time night or it was. early it was early Mr T had come in his. sugars were off and he had had a couple. margaritas he was drinking sarakin and. Margarita and he saw 50 Cent and he was. 50 Cent. dressed yeah no no no just gold he had a. Cuban links on tank top tank top and uh. he just on push-ups he looks good okay. and everyone's there and but not. everyone remembered Mr T it's been a.

long time puff introduced him he like yo. this is T and everyone was like younger. and they're like what was your thing and. he goes I'll show you my thing and he. pushed 50 Cent in the pool and then he. turned to the party and he said hold on. let me guess so when this took place I'm. trying to catch the vibe more it's a lot. of people at the pool party oh yeah very. Multicultural too right and it's he said. one thing it was only one word One Thing. One One Thing One Thing Mr T 50 Cent I'm. getting you right to the water you can.

you can you can almost let me get there. there yeah let me get there uh 50 c that. he when he pushed 50 did he get angry 50. Cent is not the best swimmer right so. but he can swim he didn't drown like it. wasn't a panic but when he jumped in it. wasn't cool 50 you saw child 50 c of. like of like and he goes right over to. the corner puts his arms up on the. corner everyone's looking 50 cents in. the pool Mr T standing there he turned. around and he turn around look at the.

whole party mhm so nobody's behind them. uh no right I mean there's some chicks. on so this is a setup no no no is Mr T. is good he just but if nobody's behind. him and he push them in it got to be a. setup to have everybody in front no no. no it's it's at this house puff has an. infinity pool that overlooks the. Hollywood Hills and so that you can't. really get on that side cuz it drips off. to the to the edge of the it's you can. see you can see Catalina from his house. everything all of downtown it's like a. 360 View and 57 was taking it in he was.

like man I wish I had a house like this. and Mr T came me introducing him was 50. c in the conversation no no he didn't. even know he was there but he's a big. fan so he didn't get mad because of what. Mr T said. [ __ ] you really you broke it down I see. the picture of it LA right this is LA. Los Angeles California Sunset Plaza okay. uh where was you at I wasn't there I. just heard the story so how do you oh. just heard the story it's good story.

okay so this could be all F yeah Nory. called me up he was like dude did you. hear what Mr T said after he pushed in. the pool and I was like he was there but. he knew you were there nor was there nor. why he asked you that why would he ask. you did you just CL we run a lot and so. we text each other our mileage in the. mornings after run yeah type [ __ ] no cap. he runs a lot he's he's. uh he's he's great he looks good pause. pause pause o he said one word no he. said one sentence one sentence how many.

word how many words are in the sentence. usually there's four words in the. sentence. abbydale it's Mr. T is Mrs T around she's passed okay his. daughter was there okay his daughter's. kind of his Handler she does all Social. Media stuff I heard about her she's very. handsome yeah she was shooting it in. landscape though so like cuz she thought.

the view was beautiful she not going to. make it on reals and this all go back to. one joke and there only one word four. words one joke and it crushed I mean. Nori said he was like No Cap he was. doubled over. MH. oh tell me I fitted the. pool.

what did he say I fitted the. pool I can't. do I fitted a. pool and then there there was some young. girls over by the bar and they're like I. don't get it and then puff was like yo. his catchphrase was like pity the fool M. and he threw 50 in the pool 50 Cent 50. Cent and he goes I 50 the.

and and even 507 was like that's good he. still got it that's what he said yep oh. damn yeah I know 50 Cent's got a great. sense of humor yeah I know he does man. like the and I I I hope that him and. Floyd Mayweather are friends because I. love him going after Floyd Mayweather. but I like Floyd Mayweather it's like. some I look at life as WWE it's just. like entertainment sometimes it's not. that serious yeah cuz uh when mankind. used to be with Stone Cold it just. looked good but reality they was really.

friends yeah but I liked it I never. wanted them to be friends on the show. yeah it's crazy how you find your. allegiance to certain people especially. with with wrestling like especially like. like could you be a wrestler yeah hard I. have I have pro wrestler energy and you. work out I work out hard yeah I can do. 50 push-ups I got fit I can fit to the. floor let's do it no uh workout let's. see what would your wrestling shirt be. well my wrestling wrestling look.

shirtless yeah you mind showing us yeah. on pause yeah. okay can you close your eyes can you do. it yeah I mean I'm going close my eyes. you want me okay you want me to close my. eyes no I'm going close. Okay I so badly want to take my dick out. right. now no you can keep that in. there thank God I'm going add like the. beep in there Trey that's where you had. the beep thank you.

all right look at my shoulders first huh. look at my shoulders first this is. ey they pretty good shoulders right I'm. look at the camera now I look at. you yeah you can use a BBL baby is that. real yeah bbl's are real yeah for real. mhm can't imagine them getting that. seems like a silly thing because you. can't see it it's behind you so even. when you get the surgery you have to go. how does it look and people are like it.

looks good when you're leaving a. [Music]. room like your your bb be belly belong. liid. belly. yeah the people say my power is in my. belly mhm people were always afraid if I. lost weight I wouldn't be funny but I'm. in I'm like probably top. 5% in shape of people in this country. yeah yeah easy I mean you think of how. many fat people there are I wouldn't say. that you I don't call people fat call.

them like you you would be like medium. thick I like thick yeah I've never been. thick like when you see a sports. player's ass like Baker Mayfield's ass. is thick Like Pat mca's ass is thick. they got like big like there there's a. difference between those pro athletes in. us like we got like small. wrists yeah you want me to put my shirt. back on I mean are you okay with it off. I'm okay with it off yeah I like it off. yeah do you want to take your off uh.

last time I took mine off it was just 50. to. pull is that good close type [ __ ] type. [ __ ] yeah do you have any tattoos on. your chest uh no I don't I I was going. to get some tattoos in only reason I got. tattoos is to scare you know I stayed in. the project so I try to get it to scare. some people away when yeah that's un. Fair yeah that's not fair what you. wanted to L there what liveing the. projects I would love it yeah I would. love it i' do that show Hey listen.

anyone doing that I'll move my whole. family yeah where would I want to live. what projects project project you I feel. like I can like if we build a place we. take you down to Chicago oh nuh not. Chicago I can't do Chicago can no no no. no no no no I want to do soft projects. no give me a starter project Chicago can. warm you up no old block no no no no I. can't do Oakland or Chicago I could do I. could do Atlanta Baltimore no no no no. no no no let's start start with.

something I know so we're going to. connect through music and I don't. Tennessee is I could do orange Mound oh. no that don't sound like projects orange. M orange Mount Tennessee it's where swab. house Tony D I'm talking about kville. kville no I don't want to go to kville. no kville is where they really don't. kville does not sound appetizing I know. that's like taking a vacation in Albania. I know right but what I'm saying. killville is basically where you. actually get to sit down and you. actually get to understand just stand. your lane and you won't be a part of the. killville so the thing is it's a thing.

called being on the streets in a. sidewalk and like me I will be on a. sidewalk I don't get in the streets. what's a. sidewalk like just is that like more. like just safe so it's like it's like. you know when when you go uh when you go. to a park and they have like mulch for a. running trail yeah yeah yeah just stay. over that just stay away I could do that. so basically let's say this I want to. give you a scenario basically you meet a. hot chick right okay uh you meet a hot. chick right okay how tall is she uh how.

tall is she she's not that really tall. probably like 6 seven you meet her and. then you want to actually approach her. right and she's around probably like. eight different dudes and these dudes. are very nice guys okay one of them has. on a Blue Rag and a lot of them have. blue and red rags around their head tied. up tattoos on their face but they are. nice guys like butterfly tattoos no. teardrops oh okay yeah and you want to. go approach her and get her number how. would you do that I'll be the lady.

okay hi are these fellas bothering you. huh are these fellas bothering you oh no. these are my brothers oh hi hey fellas. it would be cool if I took your sister. out he no [ __ ] no the. [ __ ] well my name's Bert I don't give a. [ __ ] who you. is I'm uh I'm originally from Tampa I'm. new here to kill guys calm down he's. okay yeah I just was like I would love. to take her out for where you come from. you to Popo. no I'm not I'm the opposite of poo ho ho.

no Momo that's not a good one probably. no no no no you can't do that [ __ ] the. Momo no that was not I'm the Momo know. I'm getting punked no okay I'm not the. Momo no Momo I'm the slow slow not good. either okay I'm I'm the Jojo Jojo not uh. roro Roo is cool Roo cool I'm roro yeah. as I said that would be my nickname yeah. I go all right all right okay you ready. I want to start over ready this tell me. if this one will work okay.

don't do the footstep. okay don't Glide over. here okay we good hey yo what you doing. over here which one of you punks I got. to fight to date this chick oh you. serious hey go get the [ __ ] scrap. okay that didn't work all right let's. try another one hi can I introduce you. guys to a little bit of my culture yeah. who's who what's your name brother my. name is Bert uh what Bert what is that. it's a very common hey yo this guy say.

his name is Bert who the hell is Bert. Bert crer wow you say your last name uh. you know down here my name little 20 you. know why they call me that why cuz I. took 20 to the. chest like bullets yeah I see what the. hell no you can't see it no you a got to. connect with me okay yeah what you want. I'll tell you what I'd like to leave my. number with you and if you find any. interest I don't want to talk to you no. your sister your sister oh you want to. talk to me little 20 can we talk. privately without your brothers around.

for a second no you can't talk to my. sister oh yeah you can talk to me but. you have to pay me how much oh probably. $1,000 and that's just conversation. little 20 I call that walking around. money I call that do the damn thing. money get it I'm trying to connect it's. from that. allong got a pocket full of do the damn. thing. money see this is why I only [ __ ]. White Chicks.

[Music]. I think it's just a lot of hurdles that. I'm not ready or prepared to. tackle I can see it yeah it's so much. easier you ready I'll be a white chick. and I'll be all the white dudes around. her and then you come up and talk to her. hey how you doing man hey buddy how you. doing man where you from I'm cool I'm. trying to talk hey let me introduce you. to my sister she's never been the black. guy before my dad's going to go crazy. hang on come on in yeah man what's up. how you doing sh. hi that's so good man what's your credit.

score is oh it's it's really good should. we get you a car oh yes I need a. Hellcat yeah it's easier yeah it's. easier to [ __ ] white chicks than it is. to [ __ ] black chicks I think it's starbu. that's why I want to know how do. different races approach women cuz us we. slot in DMs like do you think other. races sliding DMS how did that go and if. they was to DMM how did that go I mean I. don't know it's been so long since I.

tried to [ __ ] a chick well what do you. if you can speak for like some of your. friends my friends don't [ __ ] chicks. either oh damn everyone's got kids and. married uh what about if you was to say. the younger you right now if you was. young and Instagram popping you are who. you are right now oh buddy I'd be. [ __ ] covered in [ __ ] I would be I. would be cuz if I never had the option. to like swipe to pick chicks but I know. the energy of like getting on Yelp and. going through the pi pictures of the. food and going I can't pick which one I.

want I want them all and so if I think. I'd bring that Yelp energy to Tinder and. go like no no no no no no [ __ ] I've. never been with an Asian chick yes no oh. my God Brazilian yes [ __ ] oh my god I've. tap everything redhead with puffy. nipples shut the [ __ ] up I've never seen. that I'd want to see it all I'd be like. a Backpacker a Canadian. Backpacker so the younger you would have. just been going crazy oh yeah I'd have. AIDS yeah oh I'm not a common guy yeah. and then when you say certain stuff he's.

going to blur your face out cuz it's not. you so like that part we blur his face. out okay. yeah no when you say certain stuff cuz. like with me when you be you I feel like. it's a side to everybody so that side is. blurred out so you like oh that wasn't. [ __ ] me cuz your cuz you married. right yeah so your girl like this how. you would be but your face blur she. won't know it's you oh my wife knows I. oh no [ __ ] no she don't know no she no. she does not. know I wonder if my wife.

can I say that like I think black men. speak more respectful of their women. than white guys do cuz we talk [ __ ]. about our wives a lot and like brothers. don't do that yeah scar yes it's like we. scared and so like what what the time. where you went out you was like you got. beside yourself you almost like like oh. [ __ ] let me say sorry to her to my wife. yeah. oh never no no yeah I have a couple yeah. I have a couple. so when you get mad at your wife you mad.

at each other is it okay do you need a. Brea would you leave out to give it a. Brea or you feel like you should let her. go out and get the Brea she's a redneck. so she doesn't apologize well she gets. angry she get honory and she's got to. process it I can I can forgive very. easily almost like it's almost to a. fault like in the middle of a fight I. can say hey I love you this is not a big. thing let's get past this mhm I can find. my fault in it but she has to discover.

her fault so you and Dick sport right. now random dude come punch you and. fighting and you randomly like hey dude. I love you I could do that yeah I could. definitely forgive someone very quickly. I'm the kind of guy that in like a. street fight if it started and then the. guy's like stop stop stop I'd be like. okay we're good like I wouldn't be the. guy pounding on him and then what if he. hit you right after that I'd be like I. thought we had a trust I thought we had. a deal mhm you ever been on a fight yeah. I've been in the fight you know what's.

crazy the first fight I've been in I got. beat up and I I told people I got jumped. and I fo. it I did that too you did yeah but the. my ass kick but but the footage came out. the footage is back in the 80s no this I. got footage oh you got. footage you're like where's everybody. else and you're like it was really. dark.

[Laughter]. I got beat up by this dude Donovan I. told it on stage one time he was he was. a bunch of black dudes and this black. dude Donovan and then this one white. dude Mario who was fighting Donovan I. just wanted to see the fight so I stuck. my head in and then just because our.

uniforms look alike I'm all of a sudden. on his team and I was wearing we're. wearing the Whey jerseys and they pushed. me in and Donovan beat the [ __ ] out of. me like I mean I did not I was I could. stand a chance I would I didn't stand a. chance when you say no cap and no cap I. didn't stand a chance no cap and and I. kept trying to tell him I'm not on his. team but Don's like you're not on my. team right and then when I told the. story they were like yeah and then B. stuck his head all these black guys and. then he got the [ __ ] kicked out him like.

they beat him up like no just one just. everyone else watched and cheered M and. then the cop showed up do you get more. angry at you see a fight do you get more. angry at the person after the fight is. over you get more angry at the person. beating you up or the person recording. you you get up and you get to see both. of them and it's just one filming and. the person beat you which one do you. feel like you're more angry at the. person filming why cuz it's why didn't. you help me right put your camera down. get me out of this I'm not doing it well. well mhm you know so if you could send a.

message out to a cameraman that they. ever recorded a fight could you look in. the camera and send it to him this one. is and you want me to tell them if. you're ever going to record a fight no. no no no the people that have recorded. fights can you send them a message the. ones that record the fights can you send. them a message hey to all you uh people. recording fights you're no worse than. the Nazis that were just doing their job. you need to jump in and affect change. cuz one day that's going to be your ass. that's getting beat and you better hope.

no one's recording it and they help you. out you like how I slid Nazis in there. yeah that was. good so let's say. this if you could sum yourself up in one. word what would it be fun. M so SpongeBob is fun he's always happy. he go through a lot would you compare. yourself if you could be a cartoon. character who would you be if you can. name him we do why cuz I like.

Mysteries but I don't like solving them. I like being there for them and then at. the end of the day I'm kind of the. reason you solved it why is that that. it's just my energy like I don't freak. out like Velma and I'm not useless like. Daphne and then I'm not Fred I'm not. arrogant but I'm not Shaggy cuz Shaggy's. lost I'm Scooby I'm making sure we're. all having fun I'm making sure that we. have a good time and at the end of the. day if you want I'll cuddle with you. mhm that Mak sense yeah who wouldn't you.

be what's the cartoon character is like. this this is [ __ ] pointless Captain. cavan M cuz I don't get like that I. don't. like MH I I take I can measure my energy. what about Patrick Patrick who off. SpongeBob I don't really watch SpongeBob. M I'm old okay if I could take it back. Clifford do you feel like it was a good. cartoon Clifford the Big Red Dog yeah. nah there no depth to it mhm it's like. his big dog.

okay like you ever see you ever have a. friend with a real big dick but no. personality oh no I don't know about. that I would I wouldn't know that you. never get like you never seen like guy. does a computer programing he's got a. hog on him M and he's just as boring as. [ __ ] oh yeah blog is face out on this. one yeah yeah that was not you that was. not me no I. wasn't and make the deep voice too and. then bring them back to normal.

it would be great if I was a FBI. informant but my shirt was still. off I like I watch John Gotti kill him. and they're like I think it's Bert his. shirt's off I'm drinking a [ __ ]. porosos I got a cigar in my. hand no that's his watch man he just. bought that watch that's him is he. wearing a whoop around his wrist no he. has a sponsorship with whoop he tracks. his sleep that's Bert telling him he saw. this what's the item that you bought. that was plain like oh [ __ ] I shouldn't.

have bought. this I probably spending money on my. education M oh yeah that is a waste I. didn't need it yeah you know I didn't. learn anything in college I learned it. all after college I learned how to hang. out and like party and have a good time. and meet people but like I really wish. wish I could do college again because. I'd love to see what I'm curious about. when was the last time you needed to use. multiplication like instantly on the. street. never I don't I don't really divide have.

anybody ever came up to you was like I. still get [ __ ] up on dividing on what. number goes first in the calculator and. then I'm like wait wait 0.200 59999 what. the [ __ ] how many how many french fries. am I going to. get you know how much first you think. come in the bag if you had to do how. much average McDonald's if you had to. take a guess how many french fries are. usually in a large well I do something. different in McDonald's where I call. razzled Dazzle where I just give them.

the $100 and I go surprise me MH and. then they load bags up load it up it's. my favorite thing to do I do it at Del. Taco I do it Taco Bell anytime I've been. drinking we pull in and I just go here's. a 100 bucks if we got people in the car. here's 200 bucks just surprise us and. then the look in their face is always. like like what do you mean I go do it. like you're making it for your friends. and then they just it's the best so I. feel like oh McDonald's should. definitely sponsor you had to surprise. me so right now I have a thing where you.

get the endorsement deal so right now. we're going to send a message to. McDonald's we're going to actually pict. this to so how you doing McDonald's. that's your camera okay how you doing. McDonald's I'm here with my number one. client and we also have a great idea. from you that which will be great to. sponsor he will break it down to you let. him have it hey McDonald's can you pleas. oh. sorry hey McDonald's we have a great. idea for you we should definitely. sponsor you ah [ __ ] hey McDonald's. we definitely okay hey McDonald's we.

definitely like a sponsor this is number. one okay why don't you talk I was I'm. talking I'm I'm doing voice over okay so. that they think I'm really good at. accents okay how you doing McDonald's. this is the number one agent and I have. my number one client and we like to do a. deal with you and he's going to take. over and tell you why and what's that. deal give it to him McDonald's can I pit. you The razzled Dazzle no you are no. don't say can I oh hey McDonald's thanks. for coming to the. table this is the razzled Dazzle it is a.

certain price point let's just say $100. and then your employees fill up a $100. bag it's the bag says razzled Dazzle on. it and it's big it's like a suitcase and. you go you can order it online The. razzled Dazzle and you guys are at your. house or high and they come in don't put. the okay yeah you're right you're at. your house you're watching reading Bible. verses and you're like I really want the. razzled Dazzle and your youth Leader's. like we should do it and then you guys. go down and you get the razzled Dazzle. bag and it's zipped up top and you don't.

get to open it until it's got a Time. release does sound like weed it does. sound like weed yeah it does it's zipped. up yeah and you got you can't just pull. it apart you got another little thing. here where you got to open it from oh. that would be badass if they did the. weed we're trying to get a deal what the. hell okay all right come on we got to do. whatever so look with the m I don't. think Razzle Dazzle I don't think. McDonald's gonna look at my body and. want me to be a spokesperson no they. definitely would you would fit the. description of a McDonald spokesperson. and and it comes with Diet Cokes yeah. ain't nothing better than eating [ __ ].

up and taking a diet cool oh how great. would it be you open up a bag and. there's 40 cheeseburgers 10 hamburgers. for whoever's Square do like cheese you. got five Big Macs three Whopper three uh. three4 Pounders with cheese you got two. Double Quarter Pounders you got 80. nuggets you got all the sauces and then. there's fries just on top of it like. just P they just dump the fries in and. so it's just you got to go dig through.

the fries to find out what they got. right it's the razzled Dazzle y that's. good and I feel like you can go along. with that I think so I love more. corporate sponsorships let's let's do. let's what what would you like to be. corporate sponsored uh I actually would. like to sponsor something that I feel. like that I can pitch and sell. good uh you know the bikes uh. canelle no not that what is that it's a. mountain bike it's really a mountain. bike I never been to the mountains you.

don't have to go to the mountains you. can do it here at Atlanta there's a lot. of good mountain bike trails here are. you a mountain person when I was younger. MH I did it in Colorado and I didn't. realize the technology of mountain bikes. changed and I use clipped in pedals and. you you got to be quick to take your. feet out and almost fell down the H I. got a question yesterday somebody said. for $3 billion would you walk in the. house and just give your mom a slap for. like slap her in the face with $3. billion and you had to tell her after. you got the money why you did it and. would you what do you think will happen. I like think that was pretty tough what. you feel like you could do you do it.

yeah yeah I'd slap her unconscious M. three billion million how I just billion. three billion three billion yeah I SLA. my mom and my dad I slap everyone in the. house I go to the house next door start. slapping people $3. billion I wouldn't even tell her why I. did it oh damn no one would see me again. I'd be living on a. boat would you give him a percentage. yeah i' i' I'd break them off something.

yeah and and never tell him I had 3. billion I'd be like yo here's like. $50,000 and they' be like. whoa and then I get that Machine Gun. Kelly. tattoo $50,000 a good slap is a lot of. money cuz people are doing how do you. feel about that slap challenge that they. got did you go no I haven't you been one. it's so [ __ ] awesome why' you do it. like why you say like that cuz I get I. get excited do it over again I it's so.

[ __ ] awesome okay we went and we. stood we sat me and Tommy went and and. washed it front row it was it was packed. with like all your favorite people like. uh Johnny Manzel was there Steve will do. it uh the busting with the boys guys and. a bunch of cage fighters and then you. watching chicks slap each other it was. awesome and then and then you watch them. not connect and you know like they. didn't knock him out and then you watch. them have to go oh [ __ ] I'm next right.

and they powdered up their hands so. there's a big like a magician just. slapped you LeBron James that would be. cool if they got a magician in there and. he slapped him and the guy disappeared. and everyone's like. whoa and then he was. like that would be me cuz I take off. running what what you mean you slap and. go that's it I quit you win I you win. just wanted to see if I can knock you. out what what Movie what let's say you.

had to go against a serial killer from. Michael Myers you got Jason you got. Freddy cougar which killer do you feel. like you could survive and. why um Jason no wait Freddy Krueger. Michael Myers I think I I could uh. Freddy Krueger why CU I have really cool. dreams and I bet he'd be in the dream he. like oh wait is that Elvis and I go yeah. he's like shut up are we doing drugs I. was like yeah we're all taking drugs. he's like are five dudes butt [ __ ] in. the corner and I was like Welcome to My.

Dreams Freddy he's like ah I'm not cool. with this you know what I think you guys. have you time do you feel like Freddy. Krueger would talk like when you talk to. a stripper with nails and they could do. this all the time you know and they're. like you know and they like really show. their nails off it' be cool if you could. befriend Freddy cougar and he would. scratch your back when you went to sleep. and that should be a meme Freddy Krueger. scratching your back before you go to. sleep on his Annex and he's like I'll. see you in a little.

bit you started. this and what you do I finish this [ __ ]. H so who's wrong me or you I'm right. Freddy Krueger is one you want to deal. with Jason's just let's go to commercial. [Laughter]. [Music]. break thank you guys for tuning in we're. back again. how' you feel about the commercial break. I was shocked I didn't know that they.

were a sponsor but I'm I'm I've never. used a butt plug but I think what oh we. saw different commercials oh because of. our algorithm we've got different. commercials what commercial did you get. sneakers they pop up on my feed so much. no I didn't get that one I got actually. Sports I got. uh the the sports where you put on a. suit it's a suit that you put on to make. you warm for football players when it's. cold so it's a warm bodysuit they have.

that no oh but that that's what your. algorithm gave you oh yeah uh right now. uh do a ad deal right now shout out to. ad Make a ad coming right there right. there this sponsor this episode is. bought to you by DraftKings hey guys. basketball Season's Upon Us and if you. want to get on the action right now for. $5 DraftKings will give you $1 in bonus. bets use promo code burning download the. app and get in on the action if game is. not available in your city right now. that's okay you can have fun and you can.

bet on the the players and pick a player. and have a good time the this episode is. bought to you by prize pick where you. can pick players more or less and you. get there and you'll get a prize you'll. never know what you'll get more or less. located in your city near you this. episode is brought to you by liquid. death man you see those funny looking. cans in the store you think they're. alcohol they're not it's fresh Mountain. Water and the great thing about liquid. death is those cans are recyclable do. you know the pollution that's caused by.

Plastics will be a part of the solution. and not part of the problem liquid death. use promo code Bert at liquid. death.com this episode is sp to you by. tampons have you ever been feeling. irritated all you do is buy you a ton. and to take care of you ladies get you. one this episode is brought to you by. Pirates do you feel like you missed your. chance you feel like you just hang out. with the boys get out in the ocean have. some fun become a. pirate. this episode is brought to you by the. Crips have you ever just didn't feel.

like being a blood just go over to the. Crips come hang out with us come down. and say what up blood cuz we're your. cousins this episode's brought to you by. the. police I feel like we would have made. good college. roommates can I put another Zen in yeah. this episode's brought to you by.

Zen do you ever feel like you want God's. love in your. mouth let right here baby in 3 milligram. packets put it in upper. decky and. enjoy take the other one. out put it in my pocket how do you feel. about veneers uh I have them you do yeah. but they're bad mhm because I got them. when I was a child I got hit in the.

mouth of the baseball bat when I was 11. oh [ __ ] who did it my dad he no I'm. kidding this kid this kid I was a pass. ball it was my birthday my I had a. birthday party planned and I was catcher. I was a really good catcher block the. ball guy stealing third I pop up mask. off throw down to third throw the guy. out and the guy brings the bat back hits. me in the mouth knocks out 24 teeth. crazy how did you what is that Rel [ __ ]. with that guy now I I don't even know. him I don't even know if he knows that.

that. happened think right now he see you on. TV and like damn that's I'm knock got. all this te no that would be cool though. if you could find out the people you've. reached that have had an effect on your. life and if they still. matter like I do you remember any of. your your Elementary School teachers or. middle school M A lot of them who was. the one that you didn't. like. oh which one the one that told you you. wouldn't going to be sh there's a. college teacher yeah when I got written.

up and R you think he was right no he. was wrong I'm better than him oh okay. like he's I hope he still follows me and. he you want to send him a message real. quick I don't remember his name but you. know who you are send it to him hey man. how's life treating you I'm doing pretty. good and by the way I'm also happily. married I got two great kids my Health's. great my liver enzymes are great no. cap keep going go [ __ ] yourself keep. going how's your book coming I wrote a.

book it got published it didn't sell. well but I wrote it what was the name of. it uh life of the party who was all in. it everyone I I left everyone's real. names in it it's a mistake mhm yeah I. wish I could cuz if you read my book and. then get on my Facebook you see everyone. you're like oh [ __ ] she has two kids MH. and I was like I wish I I got a text. from one of the chicks she's like I. heard I'm in your book and I was like oh. mhm she was like I guess you called me a. [ __ ] and I was like how do you remember. High School you didn't call her you. wrote it down I wrote it I didn't call. it to.

her yeah writing a book's a waste of. time I don't even read books me either I. ain't read a book I never read a whole. book me I've read I've read a couple. books I read memo of agasa I read the. firm I read fly boys half of it um why. do you think she should have caught on. Tyrone are you talking about Angela. Badu. tyone why do you think who you think.

Tyrone is if you can disty I always. thought it was Andre. 3000 I thought that was her Nick when. you hear Tyrone what are description. that fit Tyrone yeah you want me to. describe. Tyrone uh Tyrone is a well educated man. probably a doctor or a lawyer uh loves. mountain. biking he uh great golfer.

um takes his shirt off all the time. loves drinking. ipas no tank top no do-rag no tattoos he. don't have no kids I wouldn't even think. that oh right no right that's Ty Rizzle. have you ever done a black a back flip. before yeah you have yeah landed on my. head right it didn't I won't do another. one right for a million dollars you. wouldn't attempt. it no for a million dollars I wouldn't. on the floor there just on this ground. right here I Tred for a million dollars. I try back how do you think it to go not.

good mm I'm willing to roll the dice on. it people do anything for money y'all. yeah shout out to them guys would you. kiss a dude for a million dollars n get. $2 million no I wouldn't do it I just. million let's hang on $5 million kiss a. dude on no I would not kiss a man for. $100 million it's it's a billion me and. my dad never even kissed real yeah I. kissed my dad never mind okay anyway a. new episode. this episode is brought to you by I. didn't do that okay now let's get into.

this episode uh I'm going to say a. phrase and then you say I didn't do that. farted while in the shower say what if. you didn't do it say I didn't do that. farted while in the shower. oh you a nasty [ __ ] oh I [ __ ] in. the. shower you never [ __ ] in the shower and. had to stomp. [Music]. it I did that. who's there just me do anybody else know.

this a lot of people do. now I thought it was a fart so you short. didn't on yourself yeah I've [ __ ] in the. shower a lot I pissed in the shower you. piss in the shower I had before but not. at this age you ever get pissed on in. the shower no me either then I guess so. if I would have said yeah then you would. have had a different answer yeah oh boys. Catholic High School. your face is going to be blurred.

out do you ever have to shower with. other dudes uh no I haven't I really my. brother used to take showers we was like. 9 years old yeah she do it again no how. old is he he 47 yeah Old Times yeah I'm. 30 but we both when we did it we he was. n years we was both nine but he older. than me now so I going to see us doing. it yeah yeah what do you think your. brother would say if you're like hey man. you remember when we were kids we used. to shower together get get off my.

[ __ ]. phone do you got a favorite cousin yeah. no yeah I got a couple couple that are. really like really good for me and what. makes a favorite cousin. um I'll tell you what makes a cousin. better than a friend is that you feel. like you you are tethered through DNA so. when you have little broken parts about. you you know your cousins got it too M. so like if you like to drink in the. afternoon you know you got one of those. cousins that got that same DNA and then.

if you have anxiety attacks I can call. Andrew I know he's got that same DNA mhm. and so I like that and then it's I like. the history of that you know that we. both came from the same group of people. that same one person that rolled the. dice and was like I'm coming to America. can we get to know each other culture I. never youve been to a funeral yeah what. music do y like Oh by mine yeah like no. the funeral you have been to what typ. type of music I haven't been to a. funeral in a while do you know what type.

of music is like it was it was like go. like Christian like sad sad music do you. feel like they should stop playing sad. music and try to cuz it make you sadder. right yeah I want fortunate Sun played. when the doors are closed they're. holding my casket and what's that you. clear. water I talk tomor B raise a flag O the. red white and blue the things open and.

when Ben said Hail to the Chief oh they. point the Cannons at you Lord it ain't. me and now everyone in the in the C. church is like yeah I ain't Noor S no it. ain't me it ain't me that's a going away. homecoming party what's that that's a. party yeah I want my funeral to be a. party I got a lot of songs picked out I. want a party too what songs do you want. to play to your funeral uh what's that. called.

uh it's might. be what sexy red sexy red [ __ ] pink. booty old. brown I spit on you I'm. sorry yeah that would be cool just to. drop like a MJG and aall alcohol [ __ ]. and weed everyone's like what the [ __ ]. and then your wife's like he loved this. song alcohol [ __ ] and weed. alcohol [ __ ] and weed after like the. fifth time they say it you go it's a.

good. mix they're not. lying that's what we going to miss right. that's what I'm going to miss alcohol. [ __ ] and. weed and then and then I want my buddy. to go up and put a bottle of porosos in. my casket my other buddy to put a blunt. and then go. Le he's missing. something that's a movie and then she. gets she see her take her panties out. off under dress and get on the casket. and go it'll take a second I know this.

guy that's all I feel like the thing. about life is you can paint your own. picture you don't have to go by the book. that's what's great about it it's. beautiful too many people go by the book. yeah that's the thing too many people. are color inside the lines and they're. not realizing there the lines are just. an idea MH color the outside leave the. inside it's like when you see a guy with. a tattoo that's like hollowed out all. the artworks around it you go it's kind. of like you you got big arms with big.

belly yeah like your arms fit but if you. was to just they just seen this they be. like I want him and then they see you. then they see this and they're like oh. that was bait and switch Yeah if you if. you came up to me if you're a girl and. you come up to me at a bar and you grab. my arm just here grab my arm okay and. you feel that you're like oh that guy's. in shape yeah and then when you touch. this and then when you see me naked it. looks like I outgrew my dick right cuz. like I got bigger but my dick stay the. same size right and so you'd be like I. think I think about that like there's a. lot of reason I don't cheat on my wife.

but number one is I love her number two. is number okay number seven is I would. hate to show this body to a stranger and. have the look on their face you know. like you remember in Christmas when. you'd open it you're like it's a sweater. and you're like [ __ ] MH and your. grandma's there and you got to give her. that look like. thanks I I don't know what cashmir is I. wonder who the first person that. actually like made the word like. cheating like who was the first person. to just say like in ever and it was like.

what you just did and somebody said they. didn't have a name to it it was just. like you know what it is I can tell you. who it's got to be two Italian. dudes and they're both [ __ ] side. chicks and one guy leans who name them. side chicks though what do you call no. no no at the time it's just they're. that's what they did you could [ __ ]. anyone and the guy's like I bet one one. the GU like guys's almost like cheating. what we're doing like we're getting away. with murder like we can [ __ ] that and we. got our wives it's almost like cheating. goes hey don't that word's going to.

stick don't let them hear it he's like. but you're right right he's like [ __ ]. yeah like that was all through history. you could just have side chicks Enzo. Ferrari had like tons of side chicks and. then he had his wife who did not look. like [ __ ] the chick in the movie for. the. record and then he could just have sex. with them and then buy them houses and. then have kids with them his son runs. Ferrari right now his illegitimate son. runs Ferrari right now his illegitimate. son couldn't even take his name mhm cuz. his wife his first wife was still around.

she was like as long as I live he'll. never be called Ferrari and he was like. yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah then she died. and he's like hey farari get over here. do you feel like it's selfish for people. to say why me after something happened. cuz like who else would it be yeah but. that's. natural I think that's natural so I get. into a car wreck and then you drive past. and I say why me and I look just at you. as you dve P do you feel like that's a. Target towards you no it's it's it's. it's it's such a natural behavior when. something bad like I had a friend who.

couldn't get pregnant and she was like. she would see people with kids that. didn't look like they wanted them mhm. she's like how come they can get. pregnant mhm and I was like I don't know. don't think of it that way it's natural. I think if you flipped it I definitely. think why me a lot cuz you know when you. start stand up you have all all you and. all your boys are the same and then you. start to succeed and you see some of. your guys maybe not pop but they're just. as funny as you mhm it's called. survivors remorse a little bit M where. you just go like how did I like how did.

I get out of the system how did I not. get trapped by drugs and alcohol and. [ __ ] how come I love just stand up how. come I didn't like how come why why me. that that's interesting you can look at. it both ways you can see the car. accident and go why me or you can be in. the car driving bass and go oh my God. how come I'm so lucky I didn't get in a. car accident God that's interesting. right we should get high together one. time I love those kind of thoughts you. break it down another thing we just it's. a lot like who's the first person to.

come over with time and just said it you. know and words too I'm fascinated by the. people that tried to change time yeah. like the the Emperors and the dictators. that decided they would be arrogant. enough that they would change time and. they go that does it we [ __ ] all the. months we're renaming them they did that. in the French Revolution French. Revolution was a [ __ ] up revolution. and halfway through they're like yeah. it's like thr like No Cap type [ __ ] as. yeah yeah yeah French Revolution was. [ __ ] up no cap uh these guys were.

lunatics and I. mean they're kind of like uh they're. kind of like if you let Portland Run. America because they were like all right. first thing we're doing we're changing. all the month's names and everyone get. said to be like okay and so and then. they did and. then yeah turkman Bashi there's a a a. dictator in Turkmenistan I think I think. and he changed the months because he was.

getting old and he's like yo if we had. two months i' get older slower so we. added two months to the calendar yeah. I'd love to be a dictator so what about. when it comes to presidents do you feel. like it should be an age cap on it like. if you could could you be like 20 could. you be like 38 for running for president. you mean young yeah I don't even think. vocal cords should develop until your. 35 I think I think uh. yeah there should be a physical fitness. test M they should they should do a cage.

fight or slap boxing like do you know. they have them on their podiums and then. they're doing their debate and they're. like actually I do think that the. situation in Ukraine is a little out of. control and I think that this and I. unlike my opponent and and then Joe. Biden's like okay and then Dana White. shows up he's like let's bring those. podiums closer and they come in like. this and then you see them dusting up. their hands and Jo like I don't think. I'm going to last through one of these. and then Donald Trump hits him and then.

he all of a sudden Joe Biden talks. smarter he was like oh holy cow the. situation in Ukraine you're like wait. what happened to him Donald Trump's like. I got to stop him again make him stupid. again and then he hits Donald Trump and. Donald Trump's like I'm non-binary [ __ ]. [ __ ] hit me one more. time that would be cool that sound like. an episode of The. Simpsons. [Laughter]. yeah you could write for them I could. not write for them you don't not spell. either no. at all I don't know how to spell either. I can't I can't spell like I can't even.

spell the name Michael yeah me either I. [ __ ] it up every time me too I C low l o. w. Co c o cool yeah I used to spell my my. buddy's name Brian brain all the time. when did you realize that you couldn't. spell oh very early M very early I still. can't read very well me either I see. words like I saw like you see what you. want to see yeah it's called yeah. dyslexia yeah me happens to me all the.

time where you see a word and you're. like shut the [ __ ] up yeah that does and. then your wife's like that doesn't say. what you think there was a time when. they it was a such thing called popcorn. reading and they used to pick people you. read and pick who it was so I used to. read I used to pre-read my stuff and. then they never picked on me when I do. it and then I didn't know they pick me. you sit there and you be practice. reading practice reading they're like. David gerain you're like [ __ ] no okay. and then you jump to the next paragraph. start reading reading reading and. they're like Eric nle and you're like. God damn it and then they never called.

on you I was like Wow and that's what. anxiety attacks are yeah and then I. relax like they're not going to call me. and then when they call you I used to. act like I didn't know where we was at. and the teacher come and show me she put. her finger right there and she start. right there and then that's where it. starts off yeah and you're like on say. and she's like it's once. once up. on a. time right you're looking around the. room like you guys are reading the same. thing I'm.

reading I was a really bad reader I. still am a bad reader I'm words I'm a. bad I'm I don't I like words but I don't. like the way they represent themselves. yeah I know I feel like it's all light. it's it's. false I was about to say the most [ __ ]. up thing in the world yeah good thing. you did that's the I'm working on that. yeah I'm working on biting my tongue. yeah cuz I have jokes I think are funny. but then other people go what the [ __ ]. yeah so it's always good to say it in. your house just loudly let me see if I.

can change it no okay guys you look but. no that's that's funny words are like. liberals like you like them but then. once you see them sometimes you're like. oh [ __ ] yeah I feel like they just they. it's like rumors cuz I don't know it's. just going off of what people saying. like this is not probably how you really. say that yeah uh I am I had uh one thing. about me I was in school I had my. favorite teacher four times I got her. back four.

times I almost swallow my. Z man he must really like me he just. keeps. failing is she. hot she was just fine yeah I would love. to go back and see those teachers now. that I'm into older chicks see which. ones I'd smash yeah yeah I remember uh. the first girl I remember going on a. date and and we went to the movies and. we got there and I paid for my ticket.

and she stood there and she was like. what are you doing I'm like waiting on. you and she was. like what are you doing you're like I'm. waiting to get popcorn get in here get. your ticket no no I was waiting on her. about her yeah yeah yeah yeah and she. was like that's not how it Go and I'm. like what do you mean and I'm like I. asked you did you want to you came like. you didn't have to come yeah and she was. like you're supposed to pay and I'm like. who the [ __ ] said that yeah but that was. as a kid I don't know who started that. rule but I feel like if you're here too.

you wanted to be here right mhm so you. should pay for yours I pay for mine if. that makes sense I don't know even go. see a different movie if you want to I. don't need to see in the same movie as. you I want to see Karate Kid and we meet. up after the game yeah let's hope. they're timed out right I'll wait for. you not long but 15 20 minutes if not. we're really going dutch yeah you say. that going dutch no I didn't I just. figured out what that word meant when. when uh the man and woman pay separately. yeah that's I don't feel like nothing.

wrong with it and I feel like you should. if I feel good paying I'mma pay it I. don't want to feel forced to pay yeah. you cuz one time I paid and I went on a. date with a girl and her boyfriend came. pick out B we got to eat yeah no cap No. Cap I forgot the other one hype hype. that uh type [ __ ] type [ __ ] yeah but you. never been through that so you can't say. type [ __ ]. no I've been in the friend a lot mhm. where you're like dating a girl and then. you don't realize she just thinks you're. gay mhm and you're like oh [ __ ] should.

have tried to kiss. her yeah she just made you a friend yeah. made you a friend and then you can't get. out of the friend zone and then she. starts talking about your friends and. you're like no she started talking about. the dude she talked to and then you got. listen to it and you like I don't think. he's a good guy for you yeah he's got. herpes yeah she's like what no I don't. that's what they say I don't know I. didn't wear condoms it teach his own. he's with a different chick every night. I me whatever. like you know where we from we call it. have you heard of Dirty Mac Dirty Mac.

yeah have you heard of Dirty Mac [ __ ]. yeah have you ever Dirty Mac no you sure. be honest no I never asked no I'm. serious it won't get out I'll take this. out there okay yeah okay what happened. why' you do that I don't know I don't. really know what dirty macin is dirty. macing is where you talk down on. somebody else to get the girl oh no I. never dirty macked you just said wait. hold on hold on maybe let me. think it ain't been a better guy that. got the girl that you wanted and you was. able to talk to her and you like put. yeah I dirty backed and how was it I was. young I was young she ended up dating.

him I had sex with her but she ended up. dating mhm he was my best friend yeah. and you just told all the be about him I. tried to mhm I tried to to say did he. come back to him he didn't care he was. [ __ ] her yeah but did he get upset. that you told no no we're still friends. he was texting me yesterday oh yeah it. was bros before ho oh well you didn't do. that no I I know but bros before H in. the long term it's h before bros if if.

it's like 2 in the morning but it's bros. before hose when you're 50 oh 2 in the. morning A Different 2 in the morning. it's hose before it's hose it's just. it's like 2 in the morning there's a. panic like I you know yes yeah I. definitely dirty maed him. MH on the DL. too what is uh a text phrase that you. had to learn you know what it mean like. a short I just thought that what was it. BRB be right back be right back I didn't. know what that meant Oh there's all the.

ones like uh RN what's that I thought it. was registered nurse mhm is right now oh. okay I'll see you RN and I was like oh. you're bringing a registered nurse mhm. and no it's right now mhm I'm not good. with texting cuz you can't SP I'm the. same way yeah and I do voice text and. sometimes voice text will change things. like i s a voice text to this guy he's. like hey man I'm you're going to be in. Stockton or bring a bunch of cage. fighters and hang out backstage I was. like ABS [ __ ] lutely and I hit send.

and it changed it to I'm so [ __ ]. lonely and I was like I can't take that. back are you swinging your feet right. now I swinging him a little bit. stretching him. out I really like you oh is that is that. pause can you can say you. that you look me in my eyes after you. said it I man I really like. you no that's that's more obvious it.

it's that's still uncomfortable because. it gives me like I don't know what if. somebody say something look away it's. like they shy I don't want you to be shy. when you say that you don't want me to. be shy no all right I don't know I mean. I don't know how you can say that to a. man I say it to a lot of men oh you're. just easy yeah if I like someone I I. like to tell them that I like them oh. yeah I'm not that easy for real yeah why.

now you want to now you're trying to. warm me up I'm not going there let's get. there no let's get. [Music]. there I can see you a character if you. could have an animated character I could. see your own king of to heel I could see. that would I be a main character or a. side character no just every now and. then every now and then show up yeah. take my shirt off kill a beer I'm in a. speed up. and I'm hosing my front yard and The. Simpsons too I could definitely be in.

The Simpsons yeah I would love to be an. animated. character I w't watch enough animation. though like I feel like you should be. really into animation if you're going to. do an animated character I did a voice. over for an animated show one time and I. was so tedious I tried to pay them to. get out of it CU I was they were like. you need to come back you got to say. five words again it's going to take an. hour and a half and you're like [ __ ]. this I was like I don't even watch. Nickelodeon. I I told him I'd pay them extra to get.

someone else I said I'll give you your. 10 grand back I'll give you another 10. grand so I don't have to do this is it. still going on yeah I asked me to do. another voiceover and I [ __ ] with me I. got it yeah can you do a white guy's. accent actually can I tell you something. everyone's black in this. show and they got you at that's what I. said how the [ __ ] they big you because. they're characters so like they're like. they're like blue and purple but then. when I looked at the pictures all the. other actors everyone was black and I. was like Hey did I take a black guy's. role and they're like no no no you're.

the dad and I was like yeah but should I. be sounding different and they're like. no you sound perfect and I was like yeah. but now that I'm hearing it everyone's. black and I'm like all right that does. it everybody MH like it just didn't it. don't feel well it didn't it didn't sit. well with me but it's animated so I. definitely could do that Ro do a white. guy's voice but do a real one don't do. like the comic one no like if you that's. the problem with d d David David that's. that's not that's like a 5% of the white. guys hey Dave no it's just got to be.

just take all the the soul out of. yourself take everything that makes you. cool let go of it take some time on your. vowels give me a sentence okay. uh uh Starbucks would you like some. Starbucks uh okay so all right already. you got to get into character you got to. remember that as a white guy you want to. connect with everyone M okay okay so uh. hey good morning I love your piercing um.

can I get take time with it can I. get can you do like just four shots of. espresso over ice in a Trenta cup that. would be great okay you ready all right. hey welcome to Starbucks oh no. ready yeah hey welcome to Starbucks hey. how you doing today no you're still. black oh [ __ ]. hey so. hey.

hello how you doing sir that was that. some more like ammo yeah like I'll show. you hi there you go you're getting it's. in the back of your throat hey hey hello. hey nice nice to meet you there you go. that's it nice person yeah can I get a. extra chipotle sauce there you go that's. that with a little dab is Brad in all. office today this would be. amazing you got it won you sneak me some.

right out in the. back I don't have to pay right cuz I'm. white okay thank you very much you know. what else is back. there. cash are you robbing the. place I was trying to get away with the. voice all right so let's do the black. voice all right I got you I've been. waiting to do this whole life let's do. it all right give me a scenario let's. see all right I'm the weed man I'm the.

weed man you buying some weed no don't. make it stereotypical put me in like. something I don't expect a black guy to. do okay Bet let's do this something. really. authentic like uh something cool I got. it I got it I think I got it it's coming. to me I got it was really cool this. scenario and we got to get the voice in. it we got to get the I know let's see. and then tell me the kind of black I am. too okay I got you we going to break it. down oh oh you laid on your car payment. I'm coming to pick up your car so you. you angry a little bit and you trying to. talk me how to T your car you six late p. d this is me I've been through this so.

you been me Mustang 2005 I'm mad but I. don't start mad I get mad yeah you get. mad and I'm toing your car okay and I'm. giving you my lifestyle it was 2005. Mustang gold was m i was convertible uh. no hell no uh and I cut the Box off to. take out the location they finally found. me I'm in my side chick house so you got. to get home. okay oh [ __ ]. hey my man my man yo.

yo. brother what's the. HS homeo what that mean usually don't. say what's the HS is that I thought you. guys created that it's not ours no it. ain't ours either okay. um you L on Big Dog big dog what's up. with you that's my whip I know and then. you laid on your payment no no no no no. no no no no hell no hold on hold on who.

you talking to you talk to Rachel cuz I. talked to Rachel she said I'm not late. wait how the [ __ ] did you find me man. listen how you know where I. stay latia latia get my strap I'm [ __ ] I. I stand on my business you got warrants. don't you I hey yo yo I'm to call the. police I'm calling the police where you. stay at where you stay at I'm calling my. phone get out I'm calling the. police well you a Karen now you gonna. call the popo on me okay I'm not GNA do.

it now thank you that's why we got to. stick together okay well I should just. let the car down man you're actually. right man thank you hey man hey what you. doing next Thursday night uh no man I. was just. going so let me give you my mixtape okay. me and my boys we have a ban no no no no. no my man my man cuz I can put you on we. need a guest trap you can't even pay. your car payment no no but if this pops. off man we're going glob how long you. been rapping me my whole life shut the.

[ __ ]. up God damn it that was good that was. good right yeah and that was actually me. I actually made them feel guilty for. what they were doing when I was in a. room cuz I was behind 8 months on my. payment imagine. that yeah I can see myself getting there. cuz I don't know how to pay bills yeah. and I can be shocked that someone's. Towing in my car. yeah and that the energy with tow truck. energy drivers are like they're so angry. they're really angry it's usually a.

white guy nobody's worse than the boot. people they are the worst yeah and they. do it quick yeah they come in and then. you know what's [ __ ] up is that. they're not millionaires so like do you. think they get our. struggle but like you bur I know no I am. burp you [ __ ] it no I bured burped I. burped one thought was a little I. thought you. py so you got a lot of things coming out. if you can let oh yeah that was funny. you got a lot of things coming out but I. meant like a lot of things coming out.

like shows torn and if you can let them. know what's going on let's get into it. so right now guys I with my number one. you got to act sad when you do this cuz. this is where everything's going to sell. out times 10 so when you let them know. what's going on make it seem sad for. real yeah you cry yeah do that okay all. right so I'm going to be your agent I'm. your manager hey guys I'm with my number. one client and our sales are moving so. slow and our merch is going slow slow. and everything is going downhill we in. up progress of losing his.

trailer he's upset his fishing pole he. lost what car did you lose this my. Mercedes okay Merced and can you talk to. them and tell them what they need to do. I'm just a guy trying to get. by I got a tour all you doing way too. much okay all right yeah okay all right. just I got to hear you be sad but like. say guys I got a. tour I don't even want to be out there.

it's called the tops off World Tour I. shoot my [ __ ] stupid Netflix special. in July nobody's watching it either no. no one's got. Netflix I wish I could just put it on. YouTube and tell him about just the. merch and everything cuz his sales are. going down we have we get like five. sales a day I don't wear shirt shirts I. don't know why I even sell shirts but I. got them so if you want them and I don't. know why you'd want them but I got them.

they're not cool at all my wife designed. them I a going to say in it at all but I. got that going on I got another tour I. do in the summer fully loaded it's. tickets are moving fast it's stupid. people Mark nor no they're moving slow. slow oh they're moving horribly no but F. the okay they're not no one's even. [ __ ] coming I don't even know why I. do this I'm not that. talented just take my shirt off and tell. the same goddamn story every [ __ ]. night I'm a bloated alcoholic that no.

one. loves and thanks for having me on show. yeah and we just want the tickets to go. up cuz nobody's here we just want we. just both have been going through a lot. and I need my bills paid in the show we. uh can sign a contract where you give me. 80% you take the rest right I get 20 is. that what's left that oh yeah our math. okay well why don't we why don't we put. in 110% and then I get 30 okay well.

let's do that so for me to get paid and. him get paid we want you guys to go get. the tour coming near you we should have. on a song all right let's do. it give us a. theme okay. [Music]. okay the rain forest got to hit the. little baby like. that. the rain slow down have some Rhythm like. have some like Swagger to it okay.

rain. forests are. disappearing at a drastic. rate tell them Marco about those tree. frogs they make a sound similar to maros. all right bro I'm tired of [ __ ] can't do. that. guys I want you guys. to check him out I feel like uh he's a.

good guy it was dope sitting down with. him uh he just came in and he actually. came in with good energy I feel like he. was uh why you looking at me I'm just. checking you out yeah don't do that I'm. acting like you're not here okay okay. yeah uh it was weird when I was sitting. next to him I was ready to go the whole. time uh I'm so thankful that the. interview was over I recommend you guys. if you made it this far why did you even. watch. it tell me a secret if you're not you're. not here sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry.

he talked too much he kept cutting me. off definitely real GU 10 out of 10 I. wouldn't give him that i' give him a two. out of 10 yeah I wouldn't I wouldn't. recommend you know and if anybody's. listening to this I'm talking about you. if you're looking at me I'm definitely. talking about you anybody with their. shirt off I'm talking about. you I'm the only one with their shirt. off. hype that what was it.

again this a mindset thing what's your. phrase my phrase I'm the machine tell. I'm the machine this machine is about to. retire as you can see this machine needs. some. oil need a Tun Up might need an overhaul. shutting. down it still can. [Music].

[Music]. [Music]. [ __ ].