The Year in Wisdom

hey it's Michael for our final episode. of 2024 guest host Melissa kersch is. back talking with some of our 's. colleagues about the year's best advice. for Living Well I think this one's. really special take a. [Music]. listen from The New York Times this is. the daily I'm Melissa kersch Deputy. editor of culture and lifestyle.

2024 is coming to a close this is. traditionally a time of reflection when. we look back on the year that was and. look ahead to the year to come so I'm. talking with three of my colleagues. whose jobs in part are to think about. how we live and to think about how we. can all live better today the year in. wisdom it's Tuesday December 31st.

Philip galanis welcome hi Melissa how. are you good how are you doing I'm just. terrific it's the last day of the year. yes it is so Phillip for the past 16. years you've been writing an advice. column for the Times called social cues. every week you answer questions from. readers on a pretty wide array of. subjects give me a sense of that range. well there's a ton about money there is. a lot about parenting and a lot about. marriage pet.

your family's. finances um the way your parents divide. the money between siblings the way your. siblings treat you at Thanksgiving the. way your boss speaks to you in meetings. I can't think of a human relationship. that I have not gotten a question about. it's everything and so it seems like you. need to be an expert on everything oh. but that is where you were wrong.

you really don't need to be an expert. about anything and I am standing here as. living proof of it I really think it is. not telling people but instead listening. to what they are telling you and. starting at that point helping to guide. them to what might be the best out.

outcome that we both can Envision for. them mm are there qualities that all. good advice has in common like what. makes advice good advice the mark of. really great advice is listening so. closely that you're almost the same. person with the person who is asking for. the advice in my experience the best way. to do it is not to think what should I. do.

but really listening to Melissa telling. me about her situation and. thinking Melissa and I have this problem. we share it. now what's the most helpful thing I can. say to her to help her March toward a. solution that's going to work for her. because you know the other thing about. advice is the thing that works for me me.

May well not work for you it really is. about rethinking the idea that we have. inside of us the right answer we just. need you to hear it really you know the. right answer and the best advice that I. can give is one that makes you hear what. you know already is the right answer M. just sort of turning up the volume on. that voice inside of me.

yes I don't give advice to anyone unless. I hear them asking me for it because. often you end up hurting people's. feelings inadvertently because they hear. you're doing this wrong so I going to. tell you how to do it right and that's. about as unproductive as it gets so it's. New Year's Eve this is the time of year. when people are making resolutions yes.

deciding how they're going to be better. next year do you have thoughts about New. Year's resolutions I do I do I think for. the most part if we had the. imaginations to come up with resolutions. that weren't so crushingly. banale getting our steps in going to the. gym more eating fewer carbs I mean. things that are Joy.

punishing self punishing yeah very. puritanical the most common one that I. hear is about diet so if you eat 10. crappy. cookies rather than saying let's reduce. those cookies to zero let's. instead. find the best cookie you can possibly. find at the best bakery let's do the leg.

work let's find the cookie that is. really going to turn you on and eat two. of those in a week and if we can just if. we I think if we could incorporate some. more joy into our resolutions and less. drudge then they would you know the gyms. wouldn't all be ghost towns on January. 15th you know if our resolution was I. want to find somebody whom I will love.

to talk to on the treadmill for 30. minutes at the gym three times a week. and you make the project finding that. person that's a fun resolution you're. deepening a friendship or finding. somebody at of thin air that's a good. one but it's not about the stupid steps. it's about finding the joy in whatever. we need to do in order to make ourselves. I don't know thinner prettier whatever.

silly thing we decide we need to be. which is generally not what we need. anyway. mhm that is good advice this is why you. are the. authority um any advice for Humanity for. 2025 let's make 2025 the year of. listening less talking more listening I. think it really pays off and it that. also pays dividends and I'm going to try.

to listen. more thank you so much for talking with. me Philip oh thank you for having me in. it was really. [Music]. fun my colleague jansy Dunn writes a. weekly column about Wellness she. consults doctors and researchers and. other experts on topics like how to. sleep better how to apologize like you.

mean it and perfect timing for anyone. who's traveling for the holidays how to. avoid getting sick on a flight she's. here with me today to share some of the. most useful things she's learned this. year hi jansy hi Melissa okay so I asked. you to look back on your year in. reporting I'm very excited to hear what. you found um what have you got so the. first one is if you're feeling lonely. try reaching out to a mentor from your. past a mentor from your past past like.

someone who has given you guidance like. in a previous job or when you were a. child yes like somebody who has helped. you in your life and maybe they don't. even know how much they helped you it. can be a coach a teacher a neighbor so. if they're still around contact them and. tell them how they've helped you and you. may reestablish that connection you. already have that shared past and I have. done this with my fourth grade teacher.

Mrs Manley she's in her 9s and my. parents had given me a box of crap you. know when um they're cleaning out their. house and they're they say to you like. here's your box of crap I'm not keeping. this anymore oh yes my fourth grade. report card was in there and Mrs Manley. had said oh I think jansy can write she. may grow up and be a writer someday she. called it so I wrote her a letter and I. basically just kind of thanked her for. encouraging me because when you get. encouragement like that it put in my. head oh wait could I be a writer is that.

even a job I didn't know and so I told. her all that and I said you really. shaped the course of my life she did and. and now I'm a writer and I thank you and. you were a wonderful teacher and she. wrote back immediately with this. stationary with a a puppy with a letter. in its mouth and now she's my surrogate. grandmother you just don't know what can. happen if you contact somebody it can be. really fulfilling is there some sort of. wisdom there in like reaching out to. someone who knew you so long ago like.

they know the essential you yes. precisely there's a shorthand there. there's a comfort there and the person. that you are now may also connect with. the person that they are now and it's. just especially when you get older she's. in her 90s I'm in my 50s we're kind of. the same age in a weird way like in you. know you're both adults we're both. adults and so we have a lot more in. common than we did when I was a a fourth. grader and she was my. teacher um okay what's next okay next we. have.

don't chew ice ever don't chew ice. ever okay as someone who very rarely. chews ice I'm going to guess that the. reason why one should not chew ice ever. is because one may break a tooth is that. correct you have a dental background or. how did you know. that no I does have like a really good. gut instinct about things having to do. with teeth I interviewed eight dentists. and the majority of them I think six out.

of eight first thing out of their mouths. I said what do you want people to know. and they said don't chew ice it was. overwhelmingly their number one tip. chewing ice is notorious for causing as. you mentioned small chips in your tooth. enamel the outer layer of your tooth and. um these chips can develop into larger. cracks that may require treatments like. root canals crowns even surgical removal. of the tooth there's a terrifying phrase.

right and this all comes from chewing. ice which so many people do okay what. else do you have this is about. decluttering always a hit in the early. part of the. Year let go of that Dusty box or bag of. mystery Chargers and cords we all have. it oh my God I feel seen let it out how. so that bag is the most ridiculous bag. of course do you ever subtract from the.

bag that's what a couple of the experts. said to me or do you just add to it does. it just get bigger and bigger well I. always think like well I'm going to need. these things or someone's going to need. a cord you I don't want to be caught. without a cord yes so it's cords it's. Chargers it's remote controls from the. Clinton Administration it's a bag of. obsolete technology yes and we have no. idea what any of those cords are for but. we are very very very afraid to throw.

them out so I should just throw this bag. away okay well first separate everything. into piles and think of all the things. in your house that have cords or. Chargers go through and try them if they. don't work it's likely that they don't I. don't want to be presumptuous then it's. time to drop them off at a place that. accepts electronic waste nice um okay. what's next okay I love this one it's if. you're feeling cynical take 15 minutes.

and collect moments of moral Beauty. moral Beauty okay tell me what moral. beauty is that is a concept that was. created by a researcher named Dr Kelner. and he wrote a book called awe mhm it's. basically you know if you're losing. faith in people the world politics. whatever he says to take 15 minutes out. of your day and pay attention to the. moments of kindness all around you I.

mean it can be the tiniest moment it can. be when you're at a store and you see. two people sort of joking around in the. checkout line or when you are in traffic. and somebody waves you in and you get. that little rush of pleasure like oh. thanks and you hold up your hand you. know you're like a um there's a lot of. that out there if you pay attention and. you really only need about 15 minutes. and you can collect 10 things and they. kind of reset you and remind you that a. lot of people are good I think that I.

walk around a lot like a cop looking for. social infractions just like the the. tiny ways and in which people are being. rude to one another and my anten I are. always up for that and so that idea of. resetting and reorienting myself looking. for those moments of beauty or where. people are being kind and not paying so. much attention to these tiny injustices. that seems like a really worthy Pursuit. yes even you know this morning when I. was walk to work and I was in Pen.

Station and someone ahead of me had held. the door open with their elbow so they. don't get germs you know but um it's an. awkward thing to stick your elbow out. like that for somebody and I thought H. it's nice I do it without even thinking. about it now kind of record those. [Music]. moments thank you so much this is really. great my pleasure and happy New Year. Happy New Year to. you we're going to take a little break. and when we return lessons from 20 years.

of the times's Modern Love. column 20 years ago Daniel Jones helped. create the times's Modern Love column. every week Modern Love publishes. personal essays on love in all its forms. not just romantic love but love between. parents and children siblings love. between friends love that's lost or. unrequited. Dan has read thousands of these love.

stories and today he's here to tell us. what he's. [Music]. learned hi Dan hi Melissa good to be. here so Dan I imagine over all the years. of doing this work your perspective on. love has probably changed how has this. work changed the way you think about. love I get asked that a lot and I think. about it a lot and I think mostly I've. seen in essays both ones that you know. that are sort of successful in terms of.

you what happens in them and not is um. there's kind of a dividing line between. people who continue to open their hearts. and those who shut. down um and one is the path to happiness. and one is the path to to unhappiness. and regret and it's not always easy when. something ends or when you suffer a real. loss and to see people who continue to. put themselves out there and say like. this is my one life I'm I'm going to.

make something of it and uh yeah I. admire that and I feel like it's changed. my. life you published a piece earlier this. year about what you've learned from. reading and editing all these love. stories one of the takeaways that stayed. with me is the line love is more like a. basketball than a vase talk about that. well that line comes from an essay by a. writer named Thomas hooven actually I. call him a writer but he was he's a. doctor um and was a medical resident and.

he'd come from a difficult childhood um. his fiance at the time had similarly. come from a difficult childhood and they. found each other and their relationship. was kind of a refuge from their past. family lives and their childhoods and he. uh any kind of conflict they would have. was like apocalyptically threatening to. that that love and his whole concept of. love was peace.

she perhaps sensing the fragility of. that broke off their engagement just a. few weeks before they were to get. married and he was just not long before. starting a um his medical. residency and he went off to this. medical res he just devastated and how. am I going to get through this and it. was lonely and but turned out to be kind. of a boot camp for him in what real love. means and that real love invol conflict. and disappointment and it has to be able.

to absorb and hold all of those feelings. it can't just be about peace and. comfort and during his residency he. learns that and comes out the other end. of it what he says is a as a more full. human being and a better doctor and. meets a woman where they are able to. have a full relationship that he. describes as being more like a. basketball than a vase one is durable. and can bounce and can take a beating an. a vase is something that's that breaks.

the first time you drop it but looks. beautiful from the outside and uh it. resonated so deeply with me because I I. felt so similarly to him in my life of. wanting to avoid conflict of feeling. like love should not um if you fight. that means you're not meant to be. together and on the contrary like to be. able to manage a fight and grow from it. and know someone more deeply because of. it is one of the main keys to sort of a. durable and Lasting relationship looking.

back over the archive so many of the. stories that you publish are about love. that doesn't last they're about breakups. they're about one night stands or. they're about chance encounters with. people that you never see again it's. about the loss of Love or a very. fleeting love more than it's about an. enduring love right I'd love to talk. about what you take away from pieces. like that there's a popular conception. that a relationship that ends is a. failed relationship and you know every. relationship can have its value and to.

think of something as a failure because. it ended it just it's not fair and it's. not wise and it's not productive and. it's not true right maybe it's what like. movies and fairy tales maybe tell us. about what a successful relationship. looks like right yeah and I mean at one. point I remember noticing especially. among young young people college. students sophisticated college students. they still referred to Disney movies as.

being their inspiration in a way for. what romantic love is which all of those. movies end in a wedding you know like a. wedding is the achievement instead of. the beginning of a deepening. relationship and that's part of that. misconception these sort of scripts that. we seem to play in our lives or that we. feel like we need to stick to and uh. it's not that you know it's the. beginning of conflict it's the beginning.

of something that is deeper mhm my. favorite Modern Love essays tend to be. about tiny Quiet Moments um instead of. grand gestures I'm thinking about essays. like learning to measure time in love. and loss talk to me about that piece. yeah and this is an essay by a writer. named Chris Huntington he talks about. this um ritual with his son where they. also talk each day about the best. moments and the worst moments of their. day and one night he's he's reading with.

his son and he's feeling distracted and. probably checking his phone and just all. those things where you're not in the. moment and he says oh wait we we forgot. to talk about our best moment and worst. moment what's the best moment of your. day and his son says this is Daddy this. is I start to I actually start to get um. teary just thinking about it and when I. read that I you know tears sort of. sprung to my eyes and I I thought about. my own experiences with my reading to my.

son and to my daughter and the. distraction that I used to feel and what. am I going to do tomorrow and what do I. have to do for work and just that. reminder that small moment of like this. is your life these are the important. moments of your life be in. [Music]. them well thank you so much Dan for. talking with me today thank you Melissa.

and happy New Year to you Happy New Year. to. [Music]. you we're going to take a short break. and when we return New York Times. readers share the best advice they. received this. year the best advice I've been given. this year the best advice I've received. this year best advice I got all year the. best piece of advice I got this year my.

name is Zach Rosen I'm from Detroit. Michigan and I'm currently living in. Amsterdam the best piece of advice I got. this year is From My friend Daniel. estron and the advice is this when. someone says thank you just say you're. welcome this is not as easy as it seems. we usually say oh no thank you or no. problem but when we actually accept a. thank you with your welcome I find it. deeply satisfying for both parties and I.

think it's just a really good practice. to accept thanks from someone. sincerely instead of trying harder try. [Music]. softer best advice I got all year was. from a Texan who said never Crouch with. spurs. on what other people think of you is. none of your business surrender to the. darkness you don't need to know how it's. going to turn out. [Music].

hi this is Dave brashier in New Orleans. Louisiana best advice I got this year. had to bury my wife and uh after 40. years of marriage and the bedroom has. been very difficult my therapist. suggested uh bring the dog into the.

bedroom I'm allergic so it had to be in. his crate but he's happier and it's. transform my bedroom into a place I can. feel. [Music]. comfortable my best advice when helping. somebody get through chemo was not one. day at a time but 5 minutes at a time. the smartest piece of advice I've gotten.

is that everything is temporary and I. hope that applies to the head cold that. I have right now but um mostly I hope it. applies to how I feel about what. happened one day which was my husband. came downstairs at breakfast time and. said I owe you an apology I've treated. you badly I've been seeing someone else. and I love her and I want to be with her.

and he got in his car and drove away and. I haven't seen him. [Music]. since we've been married for 34 years. and I thought we were both happy but. apparently only one of us was so it. turns out that even marriage is. temporary but I'm hoping that a whole. lot of other things happen that couldn't. have happened unless this bad thing. [Music].

happened I'm Stan Perry in Houston Texas. one piece of advice I received in 2024. and that I followed all year is each day. keep a list of wins I'm an attorney so. sometimes it's work related for example. a ruling from a court uh that was. significant for a lawsuit other times. it's something that may not be that.

significant for my career but is very. significant on a personal level for. example my parents are in their 80s and. each time I talk to them I consider a. win just to be able to hear their voice. and talk to. [Music]. them hi my name is Gina loango and I. live in Toronto Canada the best piece of. advice I got this year quite simply is. when you put on your lipstick use your. finger to spread it over your lips it.

gives a very fresh natural and pouty. look and it's what French women do. apparently I can't believe it I've lived. over five decades and have never tried. this before it has softened the look of. my face while adding some much needed. color I love it who knew my brother's. advice never pass up free food or. drink if you focus on on the.

wound you will continue to hurt and if. you focus on the lesson you'll continue. to. grow my name is Mel Foster and I live in. West Bloomfield Michigan a recent client. Bernie shared this. advice never be afraid to enter into a. new Venture but always be aware that. you're going to pay a dumb. tax you are going to try to figure out. every possible roadblock that there is.

to your effort but when you actually get. into it and actually pursue it you're. going to find there are problems that. you never foresaw and it's going to cost. you money and that's your dumb. [Music]. tax I had back trouble for most of the. year my physical therapist gave me some. helpful exercises but the best advice. was a simple slogan motion is lotion the.

more active I am the less my back. bothers me. [Music]. magic my name is len Dessa I live in. Dresser. Pennsylvania well the best advice I. received in. 2024 was from my therapist I was talking. about issues I was having in my. relationship with my wife and he said to.

me you can be the Safe Harbor or you can. be the storm but you cannot be both and. that really impacted me matter of fact. it's on my wall in my. [Music]. office my best advice of the year is. keep swimming. and that is from Finding.

Nemo my friend shared that with me after. the tornado that hurricane Milton set. off in my area and I got a direct hit. and then the insanity of the election. time and now holidays and so my new term. is just keep swimming just keep. [Music]. swimming my name is Tamara and I live in. Edinburgh in Scotland and the best piece.

of advice I've got this year and maybe. ever is from my friend Helen who told me. don't borrow trouble um annoyingly I've. shortened this to. DBT and DBT is all about not getting. yourself in bits or knots or. catastrophizing about things in the. future that are outside of your. control this is Nina Miller from. Portland Maine reporting the most Sage.

advice I received in. 2024 it's pretty simple practice makes. [Music]. better for me as a professional French. horn player in an orchestra playing the. horn is really an imperfect instrument. yet we strive for Perfection which is. unobtainable so having the permission. to know that practice makes better was.

extremely liberating for me and just. changed the whole way I look at my life. my work and the playing of my French. [Music]. horn the best advice that I received. this year was from my husband we are an. old couple who have Decades of Harmony. and conflict between us. whenever we are arguing usually over.

something Petty like who left the light. on or put a pink shirt in the white wash. he will remind me that we will die soon. we are at that age where our. conversations are peppered with stica. and Weak Knee stories and the next day. is not. guaranteed so when we have flareups he. reminds me of our mortality and the. importance of appre apprting every given.

moment my husband and I became firsttime. parents this year um after quite about. with infertility and had to go through. several rounds of IVF um so this child. was very much journey and of course. people want to give parents new parents. tons of advice and so much of it is so. kooky um you know sleep when they sleep. or you must have this toy or this. developmental thing um but I think the.

best piece of advice we've received um. was raise the child you have not rais. the child you want. [Music]. my name is Nina cadan and I currently.

live in Amsterdam the Netherlands but. I'm from New York. State this piece of advice that I. received from my auntie she wrote me in. a card and I want to directly quote this. to make sure I get it. right such chaos that we are living in. now but nature continues in all of her. glory and I just found it to be the most. beautiful sentiment around well society. and life can feel so challenging and. Bleak on the day today that our natural.

world is what grounds us to a greater. being and it's something I'm profoundly. grateful for and something that I want. to carry with me. [Music]. [Music]. today's episode was produced by Sarah.

Curtis with help from Kate. lesty it was edited by Wendy Dore with. production support by frany cth and. original music by Diane Wong Dan Powell. Alicia baup Maran Lozano and Sophia. lman it was engineered by Daniel Ramirez. special thanks to Sam sipon Lauren. Manley Ben Calhoun CLA tennis Scutter. Alexandra Lee Young Alex Baron Elsa.

Dudley John White Tina Antolini Maddie. masello Nick Pitman Kyle grandillo. mahima Shabani Isabella Anderson Jacob. meski Paula Schuman and Sam. dolnick that's it for the daily I'm. Melissa kersch Michael and Sabrina will. be back on Thursday after the holiday. happy Happy New Year. [Music].