The Sunday Read: ‘Online Dating After 50 Can Be Miserable. But It’s Also Liberating.’

[Music]. hi I'm Maggie Jones I a contributing. writer for the New York Times. magazine I've written about the sex. lives of many demographics from. teenagers to people in their. 80s a few years ago I wrote this big. article about sex and aging and that in. part led me to report The Story You're. going to hear today this week's Sunday. read it's about the pl measures.

frustrations and freedoms of dating. online when you're over 50 and single. the demographic that I myself am part. of I wanted to tackle the agis. assumptions I've heard from several. people in their teens 20s and 30s these. narratives that as we get older we don't. go about dating the same way younger. people do or that if you're single past. 50 you're letting go of sex or of. falling in love again or that older. single women are desperate to.

remarry none of that is. true I knew this because I'd already. been talking to a lot of friends and the. men who I was dating about their. experiences and I'd been on the apps. myself swiping past blurry outdated. selfies photos of men holding fish that. feel like they're on every fifth. person's profile and cliches that as a. writer get so tedious to. read but as I did more formal research I.

found out there were a bunch of. interesting studies out there about. dating after 50 and about sexuality and. aging I poured over these studies talked. to probably three dozen people all. across the country and of course minded. my own experiences for this. article what I learned is that there are. lots of people over 50 women especially. some separated some divorced some. widowed who are using apps to explore. their sexuality.

and dating far more than they ever did. in their. 20s they're enjoying more expansive sex. lives they're not. settling most of the people I. interviewed talk frankly about how they. know themselves and what they're looking. for better than they did in their. youth there's a certain freedom in that. as we age we don't have to think as much. about who's going to be a good parent or. who's financially comfortable we don't. have to race against a biological clock. to have children.

there's a greater directness about sex. and more honesty in letting go when. someone isn't the right. fit and as one source told me at this. age if somebody doesn't ask you out on a. fourth date well you've survived far. worse than. that so here's my article read by gabra. zachman our audio producer is Adrien. Hurst the music you'll hear was written. and performed by Aaron Esposito.

[Music]. when my marriage collapsed after 23. years I was devastated and overwhelmed I. was in my 50s with two jobs two teenage. daughters one dog I didn't consider. dating I had no time no emotional energy. but then a year passed one daughter was. off at College the other increasingly. independent after several more months. went by I started to feel a sliver of.

curiosity about what kind of men were. out there and how it would feel to date. again the last time I dated was 25 years. ago and even then I fell into. relationships mostly with guys from high. school college parties work now every. man I knew was either Married Too Young. Too Old or otherwise not a good. fit that meant online dating the default. mode not just for the young but also for. people my age my only exposure had been. watching my oldest daughter home from.

college one summer as she sat on her bed. rapidly swiping through guy after guy. spending no more than a second or two on. each wait I kept saying slow down how do. you know what's wrong with him or. him soon enough I signed on to match and. then the dating apps Bumble and hinge. and over the past 18 months I felt waves. of excitement hope frustration boredom. discouragement.

I've gone on great and not so great. dates had relationships and ended them. paused and restarted apps over and over. again online dating is a mixed bag for. most people queer hetero non-binary. plenty of them do find love including on. their very first match but many of us. have to swim through a dispiriting sea. of hundreds of people most of whom we. are unlikely to ever want to date that. includes profiles that are fake created. by SC to try to lure private information.

from users and while most profiles are. real sometimes their photos are not so. much more than one person told me that. photos can be so outdated or filtered. that they barely recognize their date. when they met and the writing is often. littered with cliches looking for a. partner in crime I will make you laugh I. live life to the fullest then there's. the irritating experience of seeing the. people you already declined pop up again. and again and again.

as tough as the process can be older. women have it worse than most they. report more negative online dating. experiences compared with men of all. ages and younger women according to a. Pew Center for research study that may. in part be because of their of choices. the pool of men Narrows with time men's. life expectancy is 7 years shorter than. women's then there's the reality that. men tend to date younger women a desire. that online dating makes vividly.

quantifiable in a 2018 study researchers. analyzed anonymized message exchanges. between more than. 186,000 straight men and women from a. public and large online dating platform. researchers didn't name which one women. get the most attention from men measured. by the number of First messages a person. receives when they are. 18 yes 18 when they have barely crossed. into adulthood if you consider 18 an. adult it's also of the first year they.

are legally allowed to even be on most. dating sites it's downhill from there. the study by Elizabeth Brooke a. sociology professor and Mark Newman a. physics Professor both at the University. of Michigan didn't even include people. older than. 65 men's desirability in contrast Peaks. more than three decades later at around. age 50 when women have become. increasingly invisible and although. women prefer men with Advanced degrees. men desire women who don't go beyond.

college but as I learned over the last. several months talking to more than. three dozen people about online dating. among older Americans like me that's. only part of the story researchers along. with people I interviewed who have been. on the apps suggested something more. complex and nuanced about dating in the. older years by which I mean there may be. reason for. optimism one Wednesday afternoon over. Zoom from her living room in Manhattan.

the Anthropologist Helen fiser author of. anatomy of love a natural history of. mating marriage and why we stray told me. she is hopeful about online dating as. you age despite the stereotypes older. women are not. desperate fiser who studies romantic. relationships and dating is a senior. research fellow at the Kinsey Institute. and chief scientific adviser to match. for the past 13 years along with the. Kinsey institute's executive director.

Justin Garcia she has collaborated with. match to create and analyze annual. nationally representative surveys of. roughly 5,000 single people about their. romantic lives when it comes to sexual. attraction fiser who is 78 says the. older you get the pickier you get in one. match survey people over 60 were more. likely than younger people to insist on. initial sexual chemistry for a long-term. relationship perhaps in part Fischer. says because when you don't have to. choose a partner who will be a good.

parent or help provide a secure home you. can focus on different. desires there's also less pressured to. marry the second time around only 15% of. previously married women say they want. to do it again according to a Pew study. the other 85% either didn't want to or. weren't sure that's half the portion of. men who want to remarry Michael. Rosenfeld a sociologist at Stanford. University whose research areas include. mating and dating and the inter effect.

on society says the discrepancy is. partly because as numerous studies. confirm women tend to be less satisfied. in heterosexual marriage some women as. he put it are just tired of the ups and. downs of relationships and have promised. themselves they won't do it. again Men by contrast have narrower. Social Circles and emotional friendships. than women do without a partner they can. feel more a drift and remarry quickly. one man I talked to who asked me to. identify him by his middle initial H is.

in his late 50s and divorced and has. seen this among men his age men are not. confident in their ability to be alone. emotionally keeping a social calendar. getting meals on the table a lot of them. need to be taken care. of that need can be on blatant display. in dating apps it's what Jenny Young a. professor of English and women and. gender studies at University of. Wisconsin Green Bay calls the are You My. Mother problem in a Facebook post she.

used the example of a man answering the. online dating prompt we get along if by. writing you feed me and are more mature. than I. LOL young who wrote her dissertation in. applied rhetoric teaches a class for. undergraduates called the rhetoric of. dating and intimacy she argues that. older women are more selective about. dating our hormones are shifting we have. zero tolerance especially those of us. who have been on our own and don't feel. we need a man to provide for.

us still young who is 53 and divorced. herself wants to improve the dating. experience for women and non-binary. people by helping them learn how to. interpret dating language it's one way. older women can catch up to gen Z women. who are better versed in online rhetoric. young says older women were already. partnered when online dating began and. missed the dating app. Revolution young and I bonded as I did. with other women over our shared. exasperation with so many men's profiles.

filled with selfies at the gym in which. they were holding dumbbells and flexing. or in bathroom mirrors sometimes with. urinals behind them one woman told me. about a bathroom pick with a bra. dangling from the shower rod and the. fish so many men holding fish either. because fishing is a favorite hobby or a. display of masculinity or both who. knows on Instagram young recently posted. two common rhetorical approaches. disciplinary directive be feminine no.

baggage and I dare you message me if you. think you can handle it I say no 99% of. the time she cited an example in which a. man combined the two by saying. understand this is a dating site you. join to meet someone not to text to. death LOL if you want to meet me act. like it I'll know you are serious when I. get your. number for young young trying to figure.

out how to date better and more. efficiently started one night 3 years. ago when she was feeling pitiful about. her own experiences online Rife with. misogyny and cliched nonsense she did a. Google search for how do you find a. needle in a hay stack the answer burn. the hay stack to the ground only the. metal needle will. remain she decided to try it as a dating. method instead of widening her filters. and her tastes which some dating. advisers suggest she became choosier. about men and their styles of.

communication she responded only if they. sent her a clear personalized message. and if she wasn't interested in a man. she didn't just swipe left or ex out his. profile she blocked or removed him which. isn't the same as reporting someone for. inappropriate behavior the goal was to. prevent further messages and reduce the. odds those men would reappear in her. feed and waste more of her. time she also revised her profile to. repel some men while she hoped drawing. those who were better matches to that. end she wrote a top 10 list of her.

Dating Rules which included no hookups. and no messages of hey you up or what's. up and no 55-year-old man who says he. wants kids someday she also posted what. she likes to do bike hike right humor. emphasizing that while it's common to. say a version of I'm funny in profiles. she has actually published satire she. ended with I can't be attracted to. anyone who doesn't know their homonyms. I'm sorry. she conceded the last line might sound.

elitist but it was accurate in the next. 5 days while fewer men liked her the. ones who did suited her more including a. man named Scott who. commented hey sorry I couldn't resist. this is hands down the best profile I've. ever read which if we're being honest. probably isn't saying much considering. the majority of the profiles out there. but it's definitely something Scott soon. became her partner for more than 2. years young credited her method for her. successful match and last year she.

started a Facebook group called The. burned Haystack dating method which now. has about 50,000 followers she also has. an Instagram account where she dispenses. advice as she wrote in one article about. the strategy dating is a numbers game. but the typical goal to be widely. appealing and meet as many men as. possible is wasting women's time and. leaving us frustrated and. demoralized at first she mostly Drew. followers in their 40s 50s and older but. increasingly younger women have joined.

she advises women to be business-like in. their approach check apps no more than. twice a day make sure your language is. specific know I love to laugh who. doesn't love to laugh if you want to get. married again she says don't be afraid. to say so and no need to play the cool. girl who pretends she likes whatever men. like has no demands never gets angry and. is up for sex in whatever way a guy. wants. it people an older age tend to be. generally Freer of expectations in. dating and relationship. the assumption that you will merge.

households declines if parents or your. community pushed you to marry a certain. type of person in your 20s because of. religion socioeconomic status profession. race sexuality gender that pressure may. have dissipated or. vanished indeed several women hetero and. queer told me that while they want love. and long-term relationships they can't. imagine returning to commingling. finances or giving up their space their. condo apartment or house after years of.

living on their own some are. purposefully going slower in love now I. don't need to be attached at the hip. anymore says Louisa castner a lesbian. divorced woman referring to the. enmeshment she felt in her previous. relationships years ago Helen fiser. briefly dated a man who was smart and. interesting and lived across the country. from her was I going to move from New. York City away from my friends she says. it wasn't worth it to me she did. eventually marry the writer John T 3. years ago he is 7 years younger than she.

is they are in what is known as a living. aart together relationship she is in the. same Manhattan apartment she has lived. in for 28 years he is in the Bronx they. talk every day and see each other most. evenings other nights she is typically. out with her female friends whom she has. known far longer than her husband and at. the end of those evenings she climbs. into her own. [Music]. bed when I first started dating online. it felt as if a fire hydrant had opened.

men appearing across my feed from. different Geographic areas of different. ages races professions since then I have. gone on dates and been in relationships. with men who are smart kind funny and. irreverent and who have lived in Maine. Boston New York City Ohio which means I. never would have met them without the. apps dating Beyond where I live is also. possible because I occasionally go on. the road for work no longer have small. children and can afford some travel.

H also started dating near and far after. his divorce he was 51 around the peak of. men's online dating popularity his feed. filled with women some were highly. educated and others less so some were. his age and plenty two decades younger. they were nurses teachers Librarians. women with jobs in marketing and PR none. of whom he ever would have met through. friends or work H was enamored with the. seemingly endless possibilities during. his most intense dating weekends he.

would have a couple of brunches. afternoon walks drinks at 5:00 p.m. with. one woman and drinks with another at 8. he paid for it all unless he knew there. would be no second date and the woman. offered to split the bill some weeks he. had 15 dates I was saying yes yes yes he. told. me after a month he was overwhelmed. disillusioned filled with too much. coffee alcohol and scrambled eggs and. too many conversations in which he felt. no connection he paused all his apps and.

regrouped attraction mattered sure but. he wanted women who were educated. successful and enthusiastic and also. women who were mothers so they could. share parenting experiences and lived. reasonably close by and although he. started off dating women who were more. than 10 years younger in a couple of. cases more than 15 too often he had. little in common with them and struggled. to have substantive conversations so he. narrowed his age Window 8 years younger. and 3 years older now at 57 with his own.

kids in college he is clear he wants a. partner with whom he can share the same. life stage interests and Living Styles. toward the end of my reporting he. restarted a relationship and moved in. with a woman he met years ago through. online dating two states away from him. love doesn't always stick to our Dating. Rules H and many people I interviewed. said that this time around they were. looking for different qualities in a. partner some told me they want a person. who is more positive and less anxious. others long for a partner who is less of.

a workaholic or who cares more about. their work or after being married to. someone with a very different. temperament they want a person more like. them after years in therapy they want a. partner more emotionally intelligent and. sensitive or they have chosen a less. materialistic life after decades with. someone who relished big houses filled. with. possessions when Francy and Russo who. has been widowed twice and is now in her. late' 70s began online dating she met. her second husband that way and her.

current partner of 8 years she initially. wanted men who had the same level of. education and were as financially. comfortable as she was over time she. realized she would miss out on men who. were devoted to Artistic careers or who. had low paying but meaningful jobs who. cares if he can't afford the same. restaurants you like says Russo who is. the author of Love after 50 how to find. it enjoy it and keep it people say I. don't want to settle she told me but if. you have someone who you and wants to. hear about your day but doesn't have a.

fancy degree or a lot of money I don't. consider that. settling she also argues that older. people are better at dealing with dating. rejection there's disappointment but if. someone doesn't want a fourth date with. you you've survived far worse than that. a week a month from now it won't. matter in her book she quotes a. therapist who talks about Catch and. Release relationships we get more. skilled at sorting the good fit from the. bad fit and we let people go.

[Music]. faster John who is 65 and lives in. Western Massachusetts did a lot of. catching and releasing in his late 50s. because he didn't get to do it when he. was younger by his early 20s he was. living with the woman he eventually. married in his first months of dating he. met women who lived nearby where he grew. up but he quickly realized he didn't. want the familiar he knew where they.

shopped the books they were reading. where they went to school in comparison. dating women in more far-flung areas. with backgrounds very different from his. was totally. exotic as a successful painter he had a. flexible schedule and he had enough. money to plan weekend long trips to. Boston and New York City to meet women. setting up multiple dates over a couple. of days something he couldn't afford to. do in his 20s his method flew in the. face of lots of dating advice. he chose women based on photos and paid.

less attention to what they wrote the. profile was just a way to sit across. from someone and have a conversation. says JN who approached the entire. Endeavor with curiosity for me it was. can I learn something here is there. something new for me when he was 61 he. sublet an apartment in New York City for. a couple of months to make and see art. to date to be near his adult children. just before he arrived he matched with a. woman named Elizabeth who was 7 unlike.

John Elizabeth had a dating system like. several women and men I talked to she. listed her age as several years younger. than she was to widen the dating pool. and she wasn't interested in anyone. Beyond Manhattan and Brooklyn when she. matched with someone she messaged only a. few times on the site before suggesting. a phone call she passed on men who. hadn't been married or in long-term. relationships the guys in their late 50s. with serial girlfriends their whole. lives I mean come on no some didn't make. it past the phone call I'm sorry she.

would say I don't think we're a match at. which point one man started cursing at. her and called her a. of the roughly two dozen men she. did date over two years most were. lawyers or business professionals but. then John liked her on an app she was. attracted to him and impressed by his. educational background they talked on. the phone and made plans for a drink. with as Elizabeth told him the. possibility of dinner they had dinner. she liked how funny and positive he was.

he was taken with her she was beautiful. successful strong willed we would have. never crossed paths Elizabeth says no. one would have set us up the lifelong. New Yorker who didn't want to get. involved with men much Beyond her burrow. ended up moving to Massachusetts during. the pandemic just months after their. first date they married in September. 2021 at an inn not far from where they. now. live for the last several months months. I've gotten together with a group of.

friends women mostly in their 50s and. separated or divorced dating for the. first time in decades when we aren't. talking about work divorce and kids some. in the group pass around their phones. with profiles of men they're dating or. might be interested in in one case two. people matched with the same guy we. discussed the vicissitudes of dating and. relationships local and longdistance and. what and who we want always in some way. the conversation comes around to sex. some describe their sex experiences.

after marriage as the most expansive of. their lives after one woman divorced she. set her online age parameters for men. down to their 20s and 30s with the. intention of having flings she made sure. they lived in a different neighborhood. so she could separate her hookups from. the rest of her life she is now in a. relationship with a man about her age. another woman who has spent several. months dating widely was trying a non-. monogamous relationship for the first. time and toying with bisexuality and. three-ways she wasn't clear where she. would land but she was open to.

possibilities men too told me sex and. dating post 50 have been an evolving. experience in his 20s any sex was good. sex H says but now he aspires to what. the sex advice columnist and podcaster. Dan Savage calls GGG or good giving and. game as Savage puts it good in bed. giving of pleasure and game for anything. within reason it can be a tricky concept. to convey on dating apps though not on. the app field where talk about sex is.

expected and GGG is among the desires. people can choose if you are a guy who. puts GGG on your profile women may think. you are a creep H told me instead he. waits to talk about sex in person often. broadly broaching the subject during the. first date if it's going well I want to. convey that I'm looking for someone who. is sensual and cares about sex and that. I'm the same way other people told me. they talk more openly about sex because. bodies change men have increased.

erectile dysfunction women often need. more lubrication or sex toys and. sometimes experience pain with. intercourse I Didn't Know Myself says a. woman named Teresa referring to her 20s. and 30s and I definitely didn't know my. body in the same way Teresa who is in. her early 50s and lives on the west. coast never masturbated until late in. her marriage I got my first dildo at 40. and discovered multiple orgasms where. has this been all my life. everyone she says does that Exchange in.

dating where they talk about their. marriage I always say I've been divorced. on paper 5 years but longer emotionally. and. physically within a couple of dates. Teresa who a friend refers to as an. online dating Queen because she has gone. on more than 100 first dates in 5 years. tells men about her experience with. masturbation and orgasms it's part of my. story she says she also talks about what. she learned from a therapist who counsel. her and her ex-husband that sex is more. than penetration I want to be having.

intimacy in my 80s she says it's also. about cuddling naked skin-to-skin. contact what she is looking for isn't. novelty but the harder stuff as she puts. it being open and. vulnerable in one match survey single. people over 60 reported having more. frequent orgasms than younger single. people and they are the least likely age. group to fake orgasms they also tend to. be communicative 57% said they feel.

comfortable asking their partner for. exactly what they want in sex that ease. and honesty may be related to the fact. that people grow more confident and. happy in their 60s according to multiple. studies which is not to say everyone. wants the same kind of sex or any sex at. all I want Tenderness Deborah who is in. her 60s told me I don't care how intense. sex is I'm looking for a good. person Sophia Chang who is 58 the author. of The Memoir the baddest in the.

room and the founder of a professional. mentorship program for women of color in. New York definitely wants the intensity. but I get very little play compared to. my friends who are a decade younger than. me she says of online dating she assumes. if a man from a dating app is texting. her he is doing the same with at least. five other women plenty have asked her. for nude selfies and she suspects that. people who claim to be ethically non-. monogamous are often just cheating on. their Partners I don't do mess. she. says when her relationship with the.

father of her children ended she was 43. and felt done with sex but in her 50s. after a relationship with a man who. encouraged her to be more sexually open. Chang felt increasingly libidinous she. also became an empty nester giving her. Freedom including with her sexuality. younger men tell me that what they like. about older women is they know their. bodies and ask for what they. want last year she joined two dating. apps where when she matches with a man. she moves quickly from texts to phone.

calls or FaceTime when we last talked. she told me that week she had gone from. matching with a man on an app to texting. to FaceTime to meeting outdoors and then. having sex in the space of 12 hours on. the phone she is Frank can you tell me. what you like and what you don't like. and I'll do the same then she details. some of her desires and sexual Kinks and. her boundaries including no unprotected. sex sometimes after connecting men asked. to come over immediately to have sex. excuse me Chang told me she says I have.

a safety accountability practice I tell. them I need to send their photo full. name and phone number to a friend that. is where some men push back. hard until she finds the right matches. she continues to unabashedly audition. men who connect with her on dating apps. at her age she like many women I spoke. to has a better sense of who she is and. what she desires and sees no point in. hiding it if I bat my eyes I could get. further but for what there's no sense in.

wasting time when life is growing too. short.