The Truth About Love & Relationships: 3 Signs You’re With the Right Person (or if You Are Settling)

My name is Sawyer. I'm 27 years old and. I need advice. Sawyer is my co-author of. the Let Them Theory. She produced our. global tour and she was both in it, oversaw the entire creative direction of. it. We basically turned our. motheraughter issues into comedy. sketches to illustrate the lessons that. we have learned the hard way. What's the. single most important piece of advice. you would give someone who's going. through a breakup and feels like their. entire future just fell apart? Your.

future did just fall apart. It was. supposed to. And there's nothing wrong. with you. You have not met a person that. deserves you yet. Hey, it's your friend Mel and welcome to. the Mel Robbins podcast. I am so. thrilled that you're here with me today. If you're new, if somebody shared this. with you, I also just want to take a. moment and welcome you to the Mel. Robbins podcast family. Today we are.

doing something that I've never done. before. I am sitting here with our. daughter Sawyer. Sawyer uh is our oldest. oldest of three. If you're a new. listener, my husband and I have been. married 30 years. We have three kids. How old are you? 27. >> I am 27. >> 27. Kendall who's 26. Oakley who's 21. We are sitting in the TV room here in. our Vermont house and our rescue cat, Mr. Noodle, has jumped on my lap and his. eyes are open, but he's got that sort of.

dead weight of an animal that's. sleeping. Anybody that has a cat. understands what a precarious position. I'm in right now cuz my legs are crossed. and I already feel my foot falling. asleep. But we are doing something that. I've never done before. I have no idea. what we're talking about. Sawyer has a. clipboard in front of her. What are we. doing? >> Hi, my name is Sawyer Robbins and today. I have the pleasure of asking Mel, my. mom, tons of questions about love,

dating, and relationships that I myself. have had for a really long time. I've. pulled from listener and audience. questions I've gathered for my sister, my friends, all of who are in the same. age group. Questions about love and. relationships. Yeah. Are these just. questions you have about your. relationship or are these like random. questions? >> These are random questions for. >> Okay, cuz I know Gavin, your boyfriend, listens to this show. >> Yes, he does. >> So, what do you do you want to say. something to Gavin? >> Gavin, I love you so much. And. uh any of these questions I've probably.

already brought up with you, so you have. nothing to worry about. >> I love that. Okay, good. So, we can both. weigh in and we can go straight for. boom. >> The jugular. >> Okay. Well, you can go for the jugular. I'm just going to tell you what I think. Great. Okay, let me start with the first. one. All right. How do you know if. someone is the right person for you. versus an incredible person who just. isn't the right fit? Um, I'm going to give you three things. Perfect. Number one, you know, there is.

a deep. just awful dread. when you have a sense. that the person that you're with is. amazing, but there is just something that's not. quite right. And I know this dread. because I have felt it with two people. in my lifetime. >> before I met your father. Absolutely.

amazing human beings. And. the truth is I probably could have had a. really beautiful marriage and life with. either one of them. But I was not in a. place where I was healthy enough to be. in a relationship. >> Do you feel like if you were healthy. enough, you would end up marrying them? the first guy. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Um and. we would have had a beautiful life. together, but I was in my early 20s and.

I had undiagnosed. ADHD and dyslexia. I was unaware of. trauma that I experienced when I was in. the fourth grade. >> Mhm. >> And I was a walking anxiety attack. I. was on edge or drunk. most of the time and it's very hard to. be in a healthy relationship when you're. not healthy.

>> and it's not fair to the other person. because they can try to make you okay. They can and new relationships are so. distracting. Oh my gosh, >> it's intoxicating when you are falling. in love with somebody and it seems to. wipe away all your problems because the. I don't even know what the. neurochemicals are that are flooding. your body, but god damn do they feel. good and good enough. It's better than a. zolaf, let me tell you that. So I.

literally um but what happens is when. the relationship goes from liftoff to. cruising. >> Yeah. That's when all bets are off. Well, what happens is all of the flood. of falling in love starts to disappear, which means all of the issues that you. haven't dealt with in yourself come. back, >> right? >> And then you make the mistake that I. made, which is you think the problem is. the other person. You think the problem.

is the relationship. Actually, no, you're the problem cuz. you're not healthy. So there is a deep dread that you feel. when you know that you are with the. right person but it's the wrong time. >> Okay? >> Or you're with the right person but. you're not right. >> or you're with the wrong person. >> Or you're with a really really good. person but they're the wrong person for. you.

And it begins with this deep knowing. >> Mh. And you can sit with it for months. You. can sit with that for years. And you. start to question. whether or not you're a good person. You. start to wonder what's wrong. You start. to poke holes at this person who's. wonderful and they don't deserve it. And. that's because deep down you're not in. integrity with yourself.

And it's easier to pick at somebody else. than to look in the mirror and go, okay, what is wrong in terms of the things. that I need to deal with so that I'm. healthy? And what are the things that I. really want in life? And is this person. truly someone that can build that life. with me? And so that's number one. I. think you do know. And it's just a very. very difficult thing to tease out and to. start admitting to yourself that you are.

with an extraordinary human being and a. really kind person and a loving person. and you they're just not the right. person for you right now. >> Mhm. >> That's number one. Second. is that. you have to give up something. that matters to you deeply in order to. be with this person. And this one comes from research.

The Gottman's, you know, as you're. listening or watching, are probably the. most legendary relationship researchers. on the planet. They're also been married. for like 40ome years. They've been doing. this for five decades. and. their relationship is very conclusive. that it will not work if you have to. give up on your dreams or you have to go. against your values. >> Mhm. >> In order to be with this person. Let's. just say that you've always dreamt of.

going to graduate school and owning your. own business. And you fall for somebody. who's incredible, but they want you to. be a stay-at-home person that never ever. has a job. But they're a great person. But they're. wonderful. But they make a lot of money. But oh my god, my but that's a part of. my life. >> That's a no. >> That's a no. Because. when you think about your life, you've. always had a dream of having your own. money. When you think about your life, you've always dreamt of building. something that's your own. When you. think about your life, you've always. thought about having four kids and a.

supportive partner and they're. supporting you in your business and. you're modeling this thing. And for you. to give up something that you dream. about or you to go against your values, it will never work and you'll start. resenting the other person because you. made a choice to prioritize them over. the vision that you had for your life. >> The wheels are spinning in my mind. >> The third reason is you cannot accept.

them. for who they are. Um, the Gottmans also say that like 69%. of the things that you bicker about that. drive you crazy about your partner, never going anywhere. Never. And it is an act of violence against. somebody else and an act of violence. against yourself to be in a relationship. where you are constantly criticizing and. nitpicking. something about this person that's. always been there. >> Mhm.

>> I mean, just stop and think about that. Would you want to be in a relationship. with some guy who thinks you're amazing. and yet when you're not there he's. bitching about the fact that you're not. skinny enough or complaining that you're. too I love Sawyer but god she's just too. ambitious. Like I I I I really I like if. I could just get her to stop working. being in a relationship with somebody. that you fundamentally want to change.

who they are. That's not fair to the other person and. it's not fair to you either. And I think. that's most relationships by the way, but you know, and and and there's a. difference between having things that. annoy you. Like that's normal marital. hatred. There are things about your. father that drive me crazy. Crazy. He is. the world's slowest processor. Like the. man, it's like the wheels are turning. And. thank God. he's a deep thinker. He chooses his. words carefully.

And it's something that I have come to. love about him and cherish about him. But it drove me crazy. And what I. realize now is that if I had been in a. relationship with somebody like me, we. would have killed each other in a matter. of a year. And so again, those things are number. one, you know deep down and you haven't. been willing to admit that you're not. healthy and you got work to do. Number. two, you got to give up on dreams or.

values to stay with the person. Or. number three, you fundamentally cannot accept the. things that haven't changed. So. I feel like there. is needs to be a clarification. I was. talking to a one of my sister's friends. who's going through should I get back. with my ex, should I not? What she's. experiencing is not. traits in which someone can learn how to.

do. She's experiencing this person is. boring. This person is not funny. These. are like fundamental things about who. they are. >> versus things that someone can. eventually learn and like but you still. want to change that about them. Well, there's a big difference between skills. and habits. and somebody's underlying personality. and what they're motivated by in life. >> Okay. Speak more about that. >> So, skills and habits are things people. can learn.

>> Mhm. >> Learning how to pick up after yourself, especially, and I'm going to go on the. record and piss a lot of people off, but. there's a lot of guys out there who were. just smothered by their mothers. They're. used to somebody else picking up after. them and now you've handed over a giant. manchild to a young woman who's like, "Uh, I don't even know if I want to. marry you because you are missing some. skills." And so, there are skills that. people can learn. And there's also. habits that people can learn to be in a.

healthy relationship. And participating. in the maintenance and the upkeep of the. home you live in is not a freaking. gender role. It is part of being in an. adult relationship. And so building. those skills and building habits that. have you be a person that is. contributing to a relationship in a. healthy way are very very important. >> Mhm. >> What you're talking about is does. somebody have underlying traits.

or issues that are a problem for me? And. if I'm with somebody who's not. interested in other people, you're out, >> right? If I'm with somebody who's not. fun, why the hell do I want to spend my. life with you? >> Right? >> If I'm with somebody who's mean to other. people, I am leaving the date. If I am. with somebody who is not an intellectual. person, who's intellectually curious, I. can't be with somebody who, for example, doesn't care about the environment or.

earth. I can't be with somebody who. isn't committed to making the community. that we live in better. I can't be with. somebody who's not kind. Do I have to be. with somebody who's hilarious? No, I. don't. I can bring the fun, but I really. need in my partner traits around. kindness, around curiosity, around. partnership, around adventure. >> Those are the things that I value. And. those are hard things to teach in.

someone. >> Yeah. And that's what I feel like for. those of you listening, you need to. distinguish. Is it a habit or a skill. that this person can learn or is it a. fundamental trait of this person? >> Yes. If you're with somebody that's. boring, they're going to get more. boring. >> Yes. Okay. People. >> phenomenal. >> But also, here's the thing. You may be. with somebody that makes a lot of money. right now. Guess what? They can also. lose a lot of money. >> Mhm. >> And what I've always told you guys is. you want to be with somebody who feels.

like home base. Mhm. >> You want to be with somebody who is an. exhale, a smile, and a hug because life. is long and life is hard. And it's easy. to be with people when things are great. It's easy. You could date a lot of. people. You could even be married to a. lot of different people if you've got a. lot of money. You can be dating somebody. and married to somebody when you look. fantastic and so do they. You can be. dating or married to somebody when. everything's going well and no one's.

parent is dying and no one's kid is. going through lots of problems at. school. Oh, that's easy. What you want is somebody that you can. do the hard things with. >> Mhm. >> What you want is somebody that after a. really stressful day at work and an hour. and a half commute home, oh my god. And you don't you don't even know what. you're gonna have for dinner because you. haven't been to the grocery store in 10. days. But when you walk in the door, can. you exhale?

>> Do you smile when you see this person? Are you happy when they give you a hug? If you have those three things at the. end of a stressful day, you have. everything that matters. You really do. >> Period. Love that. >> Yeah. And everybody gets fat. Everybody loses hair. You should. have seen the amount of hair that came. off my head in the shower this morning. What is happening? Everybody's bodies. change. >> Yeah. >> Life changes. Are you with somebody that.

you're like, >> Again, it's the James Sexton advice that. that he shared on the Mel Robbins. podcast. You're my favorite person. >> Even when you're fat, you're my favorite. person. Even when you're struggling. because, you know, one of your parents. is dying. You're my favorite person. Even when you're unemployed and you're. down in the dumps because it's a really. terrible job market and now you feel. like a piece of cuz you're not. earning money, you're still my favorite. person. >> Yeah, I love that. That's really.

helpful. Okay. How do you know when it's. time to be single? >> If you have been in a series of. relationships and you have never taken a. break, you're an overapper. And if. you're an overlap, you know what I mean. You're sort of like somebody doing the. trapeze where before you let go of this. one, you're grabbing the next one. Um, you need to be single. >> Yeah. >> Because you have been using. relationships as a way to regulate.

yourself instead of dealing with the. issues and patterns in your life that. are making you unhappy. >> Another person does not solve the deeper. issues in your life. another person is a. distraction that keeps you from healing. and growing and fixing the things that. you need to fix longer. I cannot wait to send that to so many. people I know. >> No, it's true cuz I was that person. I. was that person that from the age of 13.

all the way until meeting your father, I. was always in a relationship. >> So, you never had a single moment? I. have never been single since I was 13. And it cost me a lot. >> Yeah. Wow. >> I don't have the group of girlfriends. that I see you and your sister having. from college. >> because I was always in a relationship. >> Always. I was that girl that was always. in a relationship. And I really regret. it. >> And it delayed my healing by at least 15.

years. And I think we need to clarify. because today's day and age there's so. many people who are quote not in. relationships but they're still dating. but when you are dating you are in a. relationship and so though if you are. continuing to see someone consistently. even if you don't have the title of. boyfriend girlfriend you are still not. having that single era. >> Correct. because you're putting a ton of. energy into what this other person is. thinking and how do I spend time with.

this person and what should I be looking. like for this person versus really. having time by yourself. >> Mhm. I think that was like the best thing I. ever did was be single for like six. years. >> I'm so jealous honestly. Like I really. It's one of the biggest regrets of my. life. >> Yeah. that I was always in a. relationship when I was young. If I. could go back and wave a magic wand, I. would make myself single for my entire.

college and law school years. And that. would have also saved these two. wonderful men the headache and heartache. of having to deal with me during a very. self-destructive period of my life. Mhm. And I feel like I was during those six. years, which was college, and like the. two years after, I was also in such a. destructive, anxietyridden place that I. can now look back and see. And I can't. even imagine having a boy to like point. that at. Instead, it was just all.

internal. Yeah. >> I can't imagine constantly like having a. man. >> I wanted one. I wanted one. >> Of course you do. Because when you're in. a relationship, you gaslight in yourself. into believing that because somebody's. choosing you, you're okay. >> Yes. >> And the relationship is a sign that. you're functioning. >> Yes. >> And for many people, myself included, the relationship. was a distraction. >> Mhm. >> And it it allowed me to avoid dealing.

with myself and the things about myself. that I needed to change. >> Totally. somebody else's acceptance. made up for the fact that I didn't. accept myself. >> Yes, that's so powerful. >> And here's another reason why it's. really important to understand when you. need to be single. So if you're in a situation also where. you have been in one or two.

relationships. where things. ended poorly. or you're devastated and you know now. you're doing that thing you're like well. they were a freak and you know what a. nightmare and you're blaming it on the. person. There's very important research. that I learned about when we were. writing the let them theory book. together. Sawyer. >> Mhm. >> If you don't take a period of time to be. single and to take a look at the.

patterns in the last two or three. relationships you've been in, you will repeat the pattern with the new. person. over and over and over again. You cannot. outrun your past. You cannot outdate. your bad habits in relationships. And you cannot marry. yourself into healing. Those are. individual things that you need to do. And so if you have a friend or a.

daughter or a mother or a brother or. anybody in your life, you're like, why. do they keep why why do they just keep. dating these losers? Like what is wrong. with this person? >> They're amazing. Why do they end up with. people that treat them like this? I just. don't get it. What's happening is there is a pattern. from their past that is getting repeated. and they are subconsciously choosing. people and that pattern gets recreated. and until you stop and you are single.

and you work with somebody. Yeah, >> you worked with a licensed mental health. counselor to understand what are the. things in these relationships that all. connect and it probably connects to your. childhood too. And what are the patterns. I need to see in myself that I also need. to break and replace with new patterns. >> Yeah. >> And you will just keep on doing it. And. if you are used to being in a. relationship where you're constantly. chasing this person and you're being.

disrespected and you're not feeling. empowered and you feel kind of devalued. and you start to tell yourself, well, if. I can just get this person to like me. and to leave their girlfriend, then that. then I'm going to feel good about. myself. It's not the person, it's the. pattern. >> Yeah. >> And you can't break that pattern while. you're in a new relationship. >> Phenomenal. I am so excited that Hyundai. is a new sponsor of the Mel Robbins. podcast because, you know, winning an. award over and over again takes a real. commitment to being the best. And that's.

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feel like I've taken a backseat in the. relationship. How do you make sure both. people's dreams matter equally? So, you have taken a backseat and you. should. >> Okay. There are periods in life. >> where. focusing on. your ambition and the thing that you. want to create comes first. You cannot. build a massive business and also be.

there all the time for your kids. >> Mhm. You cannot write a book and pour. yourself into it and pour the exact same. amount of time and energy into your. relationship. That's just the truth. >> Yeah. >> And understanding that there are periods. of your life where your ambition should. come first. >> Mhm. >> Because if you don't put in the time and. you don't put in the energy, you will. live with that regret for the rest of.

your life. I think about your sister. right now. She is meant to be out in the. world singing. It is so obvious to. everybody that knows her. And she said. to me the other day, "I'm so happy I'm. single right now.". >> Yeah. >> Because the period of my career that I'm. in right now needs all of my attention. And if you're in a relationship with. somebody who is wildly ambitious and. you're starting to feel like you're not. as important, number one, you're not as. important. And number two, that's a huge.

wakeup call for you to figure out what. is the purpose for your life. What are. the things that make you feel like what. you're doing matters? Because there is. more to life than being somebody's. girlfriend or wife. There is more to. life than being somebody's mother. There. is a contribution that you are here to. make. And if you're in a relationship. with somebody who has massive ambitions, >> you should take time to figure out what. are your ambitions. And here's the the.

twist on this. Ambition. doesn't have anything to do with money. Ambition. is the drive that you have to create and. experience things. I happen to be a person that is. extraordinarily ambitious. >> I love building things. I love the. creative process. I I wake up every day. excited because it creates meaning and.

drive and a sense of purpose for me. >> Mhm. >> Your father is extraordinarily ambitious. and the last thing he is ever thinking. about is money. You can be ambitious in. the way that you support your partner. and the way that you raise kids. You can. be ambitious in how you volunteer in the. road races that you run, but you need to. have something that's yours. Right? So,

let me ask a follow-up question. I know. a lot of people who feel like their. partner's career and their partner's. ambition is driving every decision in. the relationship and their decisions. don't matter. So, is your advice to. basically say screw what your partner's. doing. Don't move to the city because. you don't want to. >> It's a yes and. >> Okay. So here is the truth and I don't. like this but it's the truth. >> Okay. >> The person who typically makes more. money drives the decisions.

>> Mhm. >> That's one of the reasons why I have. been adamant with you and your sister. that you need to make your own money. because money is power. Money is. freedom. Money gives you choices. >> Mhm. And if you're in a relationship. with somebody whose career is driving. every decision, that's okay. If you're married to somebody who's in a. residency program, you have two choices. You either move with the person because. this is the phase of the career that.

they're in and this is the life that. you're building together and you. supporting them by going with them. That's the right decision. Or you do a yes and. >> how are we going to figure this out? And you know, these are very, very. personal things for you to figure out. And maybe it's going to be like a relay. race. There are going to be periods. where your partner's career and ambition. comes first. >> Yeah. >> Because they're in the build mode,

right? >> Or they're in the graduate school mode. or they're the one making the money. >> and you've been raising kids or you've. been on a different track. You're a. teacher. You're a nurse. You're somebody. doing a really important job that. unfortunately society does not value and. is not paying you what you deserve. What you're doing has worth and it. matters. >> Mhm. >> Supporting somebody you love through. something that they care deeply about. matters. When your dad was getting his. master's degree, his MBA at Babson,

>> and it took him seven years, >> Andy was working full-time and I'm. working full-time. And you moved to. Boston for that. >> I moved to Boston for that. I left a job. that I loved. I wanted to kill him. >> Yeah. >> But I chose to do that because I loved. him and it mattered to me that we were. together. It was more important to be. with him. >> than to stay in a job and be in a city. alone without him. That's a choice I. made and I wanted to make it and I'm. glad I did. So, the important thing is.

that you and your partner are talking. about this stuff and you're talking. about the timeline of it and you're. talking about what each of you are going. to have to do in order to make this work. and if you're the one that's agreeing to. the move, if you're the one that is. alone a lot because they're off at. graduate school, you have to ask. yourself, what do I need in return? >> Yeah. And you need to be clear about. that.

>> And you need to communicate that. clearly. And when it changes, I need. more time from you. >> I I I need us to have Saturdays, just. us, not any of your stupid friends at. graduate school cuz I don't care about. them. I need time with you. >> Right? >> You need to be responsible for what you. need in return for all of the things. that you're giving and all of the things. that you're giving up. And if you can't. communicate that, you're going to start. to resent the person. >> No, I love that. That's really, really. helpful. Really helpful cuz it is a give.

and take. Like I'm a realist when it. comes to the fact that you can't do. everything and be everything for. everybody at every moment. And the. answers are when you get quiet and you. ask yourself the important questions. What do I want? Not what does Sally. have? What does Susie have? What are. those people doing on their like, you. know, bachelorette part? No. What do I. want? >> Mhm. >> What do I want? What do I care about as. a person?

If you can't answer those questions, you. will always be lost in life. >> That is the constant status of how we. all feel is paralyzed and unable to make. a decision. >> Well, so there's no right decision, by. the way. There's just a decision and then what. you do after you make the decision to. make it right. >> No, I want you to really hear that. All. of the. effort and time and energy.

that gets put into making the right. decision, the perfect decision. There is. no perfect decision. There are just. decisions that you make and then you. figure it out. And most decisions are. not permanent. Even a tattoo you can get. off. There are very few decisions in. life that are like a bell you can't. unring. I have a lot of thoughts, but we'll get. there. >> Okay. How do you support a partner who's. struggling to find a job or figure out.

their career without becoming. controlling, critical, or feeling. responsible for their success? Uh, this is a really hard one because. your dad, I believe, was laid off from seven jobs. in nine years. >> Mhm. >> You cannot force somebody to be. motivated. You cannot force somebody to. be ambitious. You cannot force somebody. to be successful in a career they don't. like. It takes some of us a very, very long.

time to find our way. And. it's extremely difficult to watch. somebody that you care deeply about and. that you believe in slowly lose belief. in themselves. >> Mhm. >> And right now it's important to. understand that we are in an extremely. difficult job market. >> Yeah. >> And we are in very weird times at least. in this country and scary times. And.

there's so much change that's happening, it's very easy to feel paralyzed. And. I think the most important thing that. you can do if this is a person who you. see is making the effort. is to. allow them to borrow your belief and. optimism that this will all work out.

you being able to authentically say, "I. trust the timing of your life. I trust. that you are going to figure this out. I. trust that even if it takes you a year. before you find a job, that you will. look back and you will see the reason. why it took a year and you will. understand that all of this, as Oprah. says, is happening for you." Mhm. >> And so here's what I've learned the hard.

way. The person that's looking for a job. already feels like about it. They. are already beating themselves up. They. already feel bad. Do not make them feel bad. >> Mhm. >> Cuz they're making themselves feel so. bad. They're doing it as if 10 people. are are putting pressure on them. They're putting so much pressure on. themselves. You think they want to be. unemployed? Of course not. Right? >> Do you think they feel good not making. money? Of course not. So.

you adding more pressure, you adding. concern just makes that weight heavier. It's critical even when you don't. believe to continue to say, "I know this. is all going to work out. >> I know it's going to be tough. I know. it's going to take longer than you and I. want it to. And I I see how hard you're. working at this. And I know it's not. easy. And I believe that. You didn't get that job because you. weren't supposed to. >> Yeah.

>> You are not succeeding at this because. you're not supposed to be succeeding at. this. You're supposed to be a teacher. You're supposed to be a therapist. You're supposed to be a golf pro. You're. supposed to be somebody that buys a. small business with your dad and you own. a small business in a community. >> Mhm. >> You're not meant to be a person doing, you know what your dad was trying to do? He was trying to do tech sales. He hated. it. But he was trying to be good at.

something he hated. You will never be. good at something you hate. >> Right? >> You just have something different that's. meant for you. And some people need 11. layoffs to figure it out. Some people. need to be unemployed for a year to. realize, well, this isn't working. Maybe. I need to make a radical change. Mhm. >> It is critical if you're looking for a. job that you create something that you. can control that makes you proud of. yourself. And I would highly recommend. that you structure a physical thing. This would be a perfect time to train.

for a marathon. This would be a perfect. time to do a challenge like 75 hard. This would be a perfect time to take on. a project that gives your daytoday life. structure. Now, here's the caveat. If. you're with somebody that's looking for. a job and they're slowly starting to. disengage and they are sleeping in and. they're drinking more and they're. spending a ton of time online. >> or watching TV. >> or watching TV non-stop,

you've got to really. watch that. And when we had Dr. Jonathan. Height on the Mel Robbins podcast, he is. a professor at NYU. He wrote that. blockbuster bestselling book, The. Anxious Generation. and his research. also became some of the foundational. research in the big landmark settlement. cases. He came on our podcast and said. after doing all this research where a.

lot of the research and a lot of the. attention was on how social media. impacts girls and women. >> through comparison, isolation, >> uh amplifying self-doubt, self-criticism. He believes they have completely. underestimated the impact on boys and. men and that if you spend too much time. online consuming short form content, porn, gambling sites, uh, and betting. and social media, the cheap dopamine.

really screws up the reward center in. the brain. And you will start to see the. guy in your life withdrawing. You'll. start to see a lack of motivation. And. it's not because they don't want to be. motivated. >> It's the way that this cheap short form. content and being online is screwing. with their brain that you really have to. watch out for. >> And the solution is to take the phone. away, right? >> Well, the solution is to sit down and.

have a constructive conversation. Yeah. >> Basically saying, "How are you feeling. about the job search? How are you. feeling about how much time you're. spending online?" Mhm. >> You know, I'm I'm I'm noticing that. you're withdrawing a lot and do you. experience that? What do you think you. might want to do about this? You have to. be with them. If you bark orders, they're not going to do it and you're. going to shove them in their corner. And. then I would highly recommend you send. them the episode that we did with. Jonathan Height. We'll link to it in the. show notes because let them hear it from. the expert. It's not you. It's how on.

being online is screwing the reward. center of your brain and that's what's. causing the lack of motivation. And the. good news is you can fix it. You got to. get off your phone for 2 weeks, but your. brain can pretty quickly reset. >> That was what he said. >> Incredible. How do you encourage your. partner to get outside of their comfort. zone? >> Well, why do you want them to get out of their. comfort zone? Because I know that a lot.

of growth can come by trying new. experiences and pushing yourself out of. your comfort zone. In my own experience. and in my own life, that is the best way. I have learned how to grow. And I have. had some of the best experiences of my. entire life by pushing myself out of my. comfort zone. But I don't know how to. properly push my partner or motivate my. partner or ask my partner to. push them out of their comfort zone. without them feeling attacked. It is.

important when you say push someone out. of their comfort zone to first honor who. you're dealing with. >> Yeah. >> Because your idea of what a risk is and. pushing yourself out of is terrifying to. most of us. >> Mhm. and. learning that you need to first accept. the person that's in front of you and. understand and I love this analogy. I've. been sharing it a lot that Oprah Winfrey. learned from pastor TD Jensen that there.

are 10gon people and there are pintsized. people. There are people who need 10 gallons of. love, attention, risk, adventure, growth, deep conversations. And then there are pint-sized people who. only want a pint size of risk and growth. and deep conversations. And it doesn't. mean that 10-gon people are better than. pint-sized people or pint-sized people. are better than 10 gallon people. We're. all just a little bit different. But can. 10gon people only be with 10 gallon. people?

>> No. 10gon people can be very happy if they. recognize they're with a pint-sized. person. And they can lovingly accept. that when a pint-sized person gives you. the entire pint that they have to give. or they take a pint-siz risk in your. mind. >> that they have done the impossible. And learning how to celebrate. and truly acknowledge when a pint-sized.

person takes what feels like a 10gon. risk. >> Mhm. But because you're a 10gon person, it just looks like a tiny. Come on, you. can do more. You just invalidated. something that they did that was a big. deal. >> Yeah. >> And not celebrating the small moves on. somebody that's not naturally like you. is the fastest way to shove them back in. the corner and make them never take a. risk again. And so yes, you can be very.

happy if you stop trying to make. somebody they aren't and you celebrate. >> every small little bit of growth even. though it's not enough for you. >> Mhm. >> Is that helpful? >> Yes. Very. I don't want to change my. last name when I get married, but my. partner who's very traditional feels. strongly that I should. >> Okay. and feels they would be deeply. offended. if I did not change my last name. How do. we navigate a disagreement where neither.

person wants to budge? Okay, go a layer. deeper. Why does this matter? What does. it mean to you if I am introduced. to somebody you work with or somebody. from your childhood and I have a. different last name? Like for me, I kept. my name initially. I don't know why. because it was Melanie Schneberger. Who. keeps that name? You would have thought. I would have dropped that sucker like a. hot potato when I met Christopher.

Robbins. Um and I just kept it honestly. because it was kind of a hassle to. change everything. >> Yeah. And then we had you. and I remember we were booking plane. tickets and something happened with the. plane changing and us getting moved to a. different plane and they separated me. from you and dad. >> Mhm. >> You had dad's last name and it was the. first time I thought, "Oh, wait a. minute. I I want to be a unit.".

>> Yeah. >> And so when life changed. >> Mhm. I started to feel a change in my. identity. >> Yeah. >> If you are in a stalemate with your. partner on something, go a layer deeper. Help me understand why this matters so. much to you. Help me understand if I'm. introduced, let's just say, as Melanie. Schneberger. >> Mhm. >> What happens for you? What does that. mean? And what happens if they introduce. me as Melanie Robbins?

And what does that mean to you? And then. you explain, well, I want to keep my. name because I have a huge career. Couples navigate this kind of stuff all. the time. What religion are we going to. raise our kids? How about both? What name am I going to go by? How about. both? I keep my name professionally and. on our marriage license and my driver's. license. It's fine. You can introduce me as, you. know, Mel Robbins, not Melanie. Schneburgger,

which now seems absurd because I have. not had that name for 25 years. What's. the next question? >> I don't feel desirable or confident in. dating anymore. How do I rebuild my. confidence when I feel like nobody is. choosing me? It is so easy, especially in today's. world, to feel like you're just reduced. to a piece of meat. And this is going to sound like the. cheesiest and dumbest eye roll advice,

but if nobody's choosing you, you have. to make some changes in your daily. habits that make you feel like you're. choosing yourself. And that is a. windchime that you're probably hearing. in the background. And that's a whim. chime, by the way, that was given to me. when our dog Amigo died. And whenever it. rings like that, I feel like Amigos's. saying, "Yep, that's true. That's true.". So Amigo liked the cheesy advice, but. it's true.

This is so disheartening when you feel. like nobody's choosing you because you. wonder what's wrong with you. >> And. there's nothing wrong with you. You have. not met a person that deserves you yet. That's it. And. it doesn't mean you're never going to. meet them. It means you haven't met them. yet. And what I would recommend that you. do during this period of time where. you're still single is what change? What.

habit? What hobby? What class could you. take? What thing could you change that. makes you feel really good about. yourself? And I would highly recommend. it's something physical. If you've. always wanted to learn how to shuffle. dance, go take a class. If you've always. wanted to learn how to like be really. good at jump roping, I see a lot of. people doing that online. I'm like, hm, I kind of would like to be really good. at that. Um, go take a class. Stop.

putting your life on hold waiting for. the right person and start filling your. life now with the things that you've. been putting on a shelf for when you. find the one. Get in the best shape of. your life. I can't tell you how. important it is to understand. that you change your mentality by. changing your physicality. That when you. move yourself physically, it changes. your mindset. Physicality shifts.

spirituality. Physicality shifts your. mentality. Physicality shifts your. emotions. And. that is something you can control. Getting stronger in your body. If you've. never gone to a gym and you've never. lifted weights, march into a gym. Spend. your extra money. Not on dating apps. spend it hiring a trainer once or twice. to work with you so that you can learn. how to walk into a gym and lift weights.

Physicality changes your mentality. >> and something will shift. And I know it. sounds dumb and I know you don't believe. it and I know you feel beaten down by. life and I know you're tired of going to. weddings and engagement parties and. bachelorette parties. I know you're. tired of seeing everybody else live out. the dreams that you want. I am telling. you, you haven't met the right person yet. You haven't met a person who deserves to. be in your life. And instead of.

succumbing to sadness, I want you to. pull up your big girl panties and I want. you to choose a couple changes, even. just one. >> I love that. >> Because the more time you spend trying. to find somebody, chasing somebody, the worse you're going to feel. Mhm. >> Stop looking. and start looking to yourself. That's. what I would say. >> Okay. So, I have a few friends who just. broke up with their significant other.

last week. So, what they I have sent all. of them the breakup episode that you and. I both did cuz there's so much good. advice and tools in that episode that we. did right here. But right now, what's. the single most important piece of. advice, one piece of advice you would. give someone who's going through a. breakup and feels like their entire. future just fell apart? You're right. Your future did just fall apart. and it was supposed to. The reason why.

you're breaking up is because you are. not supposed to build a future with this. person and that's why the relationship. ended. and it hurts because it mattered. And so the number one piece of advice. that I want to give you is to understand. that you're grieving. And it's okay to feel scared and. uncertain and also somewhat excited. because everything that you've been. thinking about, all of the things that. you've been imagining, all of the.

roleplaying and fantasies that you have. had in your mind about how this turns. out is dead. and you're now faced with a. brand new reality. And the number one piece of advice is. honor that it's a big change and that. it's going to take time. That's it. >> Great. >> And the hardest part about a breakup is. not the breakup. It's tolerating the. three months that come next. Even if. you're the one that broke up with the.

person and ended the relationship, you're still grieving this future that. you had. And your body is having to. unlearn life with this person. Your mind. is having to unlearn the fantasy that. you are projecting over and over in your. imagination. And it takes time. You will. feel better in 3 months. Do not fill the. next three months with a new. relationship or sex with your ex because. it takes you right back to day one.

>> Incredible. Thank you so much. >> So, those were excellent questions about. love and relationships. What's your big. takeaway? >> What is my big takeaway? Well, I can see you're a slow processor. like your father. I think that my biggest takeaway and. what seems like a really big thread.

throughout all of your answers, even if. you didn't say this, is just that. communication wins every single time. Terry Reel, who is a very famous coup's. therapist, came on the Mel Robbins. podcast and said, "The most important thing to remember. about relationships, you can be right or you can be. connected, >> but you can't be both." And every. disagreement, every.

standoff, every thing that drives you crazy, every. skill that you wish your partner would. learn or habit you wish they would. change is an opportunity. for you to go a layer deeper than the. thing on the surface and truly get. connected. to the person that you care about and. understand what's really going on. or. what is the thing that is the deeper. reason why something matters to them.

>> And when you go and are able to get. deeper beneath the surface, you will now have a deeply meaningful. and lasting and supportive relationship. All that stuff you want to it's. nothing's changing. But you can be more connected. you can truly. support one another as you grow. throughout your lifetimes. That's the. best relationship is a relationship. where you both grow. >> Yeah.

>> You really want to be a soft landing for. each other. And you're not going to. create that by feeling like you're right. and it's got to be this way and I'm. going to boss this person around. that that's not going to lead to a. relationship where you're where either. one of you are happy. That's what leads. to people's drinking problems and. cheating and. >> like the passive aggressive behavior and. feeling like you're living on different. planets. >> Mhm. It really comes down to you can be right.

or connected. And when you look at this. person, even though they're, you know, wearing a pair of stained sweatpants and. they fell asleep with the remote in. their hand and the NFL games on and the. dishes are in the sink, can you still. look at them and be like, "You're still my favorite person? I wish you'd lose a few pounds, but. you're still my favorite person.". If you can say that, you have a winner. >> You did a great job.

>> Thanks. >> I love you. I'm so proud of you. >> Thanks, Mom. >> I love working with you. >> I love working with you, too. Thank you. for being so vulnerable and answering. all these questions. >> Well, thank you for doing all this. research. And I also want to thank you. Thank you for being here with us. Let me. know if you liked this format because I. want to answer your questions. I want to. know what you and the people in your. life, particularly motheraughter stuff, particularly parent child stuff, sibling. stuff. Um, I would love to do more.

casual episodes like this where you can. participate. And if you're wondering how. do you ask a question, get on the. newsletter list. Just go to. melrobins.com/newsletter. There are more than two million people a. week that read it. It's free and it's. really hilarious and entertaining and I. think you're going to love it, too. Um, but that's it. I just appreciate you. I. love you and I love you too, Soy. And in. case no one else tells you this today, I. wanted to be sure to tell you as your.

friend that I do love you and I believe. in you and I believe in your ability to. create a better life. And I hope that. something that you heard today gives you. something to do or a different way to. think about a relationship in your life. Because when your relationships are just. cooking and you feel more connected to. the people that you care about, boy does. your life get better. And I really want. that for you. All righty. And thank you. for watching all the way to the end here. on YouTube. I love being here with you. I cannot wait to read all of your. comments. And thank you for hitting.

subscribe. If that's lit up like a. Christmas tree, please hit subscribe. It's the best way to say thank you, Mel. Thank you for putting out the Mel. Robbins podcast and making it available. for free here on YouTube. Speaking of. YouTube, I know you want to watch. another episode. You're going to love. this one, and I'm going to welcome you. in the moment you hit play.