Nervous System Reset: Do THIS Every Day to Rewire Your Brain From Stress and Anxiety

Dr. Burke Harris is here to teach you. how to break free from the patterns in. your past so you can finally heal. yourself [music] and feel in control of. your emotions, your thoughts, your. actions, and your life. Dr. Nadine Burke. Harris is one of the most important. voices in trauma science and public. health. She is a medical doctor, a. pediatrician who trained at Stanford. University, and she holds a master's. [music] in public health from Harvard. >> Stress is no longer going to be in the.

[music] driver's seat of your life. I. think if folks really apply this science. to their lives, what they'll find number. one, it can improve their health and. well-being. Number two, [music]. relationships will become less reactive. and [music] more connected. >> What is trauma? >> At its core, [music]. trauma is the biological response to. overwhelming stress. [music] So, a lot.

of us think of it as the stressor, the. thing that happened to us, but it's. actually the body's reaction to that. stress. >> Oh. I think I had this wrong for a long. time. I always thought trauma was the. thing that happened. You're saying. trauma is your body's response. to the thing that happened? >> That's right. >> [music]. >> And not only in the moment that it. happened, but that it continues to. respond in similar ways. >> Exactly right.

People used to think that stressors or. traumatic experiences that happened. [music] in infancy, like, "Oh, if you. don't remember it, it didn't affect. you." And it turns [music] out it's the. exact opposite. The younger you are, those experiences that happen in. infancy, they can actually shape the way. that your stress response is [music]. wired. So, you may not remember the. actual event, but the body remembers. >> Where do you start? >> Okay, is this a. >> Dr. Nadine Burke Harris, welcome to the.

Mel Robbins podcast. >> Thank you so much for having me. >> I am a tremendous admirer of your work, and I would love for you to start by. explaining how might my life be. different. if I take everything to heart that. you're about to share with us about this. extraordinary research related to. experiences in your childhood and how. they manifest in your behavior as an. adult and what you can do to set. yourself free.

What could change about my life if I. really apply what I'm about to learn. from you? >> The biggest thing that will change in. your life if you apply this is that. stress is no longer going to be in the. driver's seat of your life. >> Okay. >> Right? So, what that means is. understanding how stress gets under our. skin and changes our biology allows us. to use that biology and work with it.

instead of working against it. And so, it'll help us understand ourselves. better. and also to be able to understand the. people in our lives better, right? And. so, I think if folks really apply um. this science to their lives, what. they'll find number one is that it can. improve their health and well-being.

Number two, relationships will become. less reactive and more connected. And uh number three, it's it's a. guidepost around how to set up your life. for the support that we need to be. functioning. in a way that's just more balanced and. less effortful going forward. >> That would be nice. to be able to move through your day.

without feeling like you're dragging the. weight of the world or that you're in a. straitjacket that you seem to have put. yourself in. And. I believe you because your work has had. a huge impact on me. In fact, understanding both in myself when there. were patterns that I didn't quite. understand or things that would trigger. me or I would get easily emotionally. flooded and pissed off and screaming at. people and then I'm apologizing and then. I didn't understand why and I just felt. like I couldn't change my behavior.

I thought there was something wrong with. me because I felt like. somehow I was choosing to be this way. And a lot of what your work has done for. me is to help me see that there are a. lot of things about my behavior, at. least that used to be present, that were. part of the biological and the. neurological conditioning. that happened. during my childhood. And that this is true for everybody. And. so, what I'd love to dig into because I. do think everything that you're going to.

teach us today is profoundly. life-changing. Like you'll never look at. yourself, your childhood, or anybody. around you the same again. Let's talk a little bit about. what is trauma. and your work specifically talks about. adverse childhood experiences. >> Mhm. >> What is trauma? >> At its core, trauma is. the biological response to overwhelming.

stress. >> Okay. >> So, a lot of us think of it as the. stressor, the thing that happened to us, but it's actually the body's reaction to. that stress. >> Oh. I think I had this wrong for a long. time. I always thought trauma a thing. that happened. You're saying trauma is. your body's response. to the thing that happened? >> That's right. >> And not only in the moment that it. happened, but that it continues to respond in.

similar ways. >> Exactly right. Yeah. >> After it Okay. I get it now. >> Yeah. >> You know, one of the things that's. really amazing about your work is you. were the first researcher. to connect childhood trauma and chronic. stress to all kinds of things like heart. disease, autoimmune disorder, diabetes, cancer, substance abuse, and things that. are even more subtle that we struggle. with in our adult lives that we may not.

realize are tied to something deeper. What was it that made you lean in in. terms of what you were seeing in your. patients to start to put these pieces. together, Dr. Burke Harris? >> Well, to be honest, what really happened. for me was. I started my. career, my clinical practice, opening a. clinic in one of San Francisco's under. most underserved neighborhoods because I.

was really motivated by, you know, improving health outcomes for the. vulnerable. And what I was seeing was that over and. over again, patients were being referred. to me for ADHD or attention deficit. hyperactivity disorder. And you know, as I was doing what I was. trained to do, you know, history and. physical, just for a lot of my patients, it felt. like there was a disconnect, right? Um because I noticed that.

the patients who were having them who. are struggling the most were also the. ones who were dealing with some of the. most difficult things in their lives, right? The most stress and and and. trauma going on around them. But really the thing that kind of broke. it open for me was. a patient who was a little boy who. stopped growing. >> Stop growing? >> Who stopped. literally. So, this was a 7-year-old child who was.

referred to me by the school nurse. And. he was having difficulty with behavior. and focus and paying attention in class. But when he walked in to my exam room, the thing that I noticed about him was. that he was itty-bitty, right? He was He. was 7 years old, but his height and. weight were at the 50th percentile for a. 4-year-old. >> What? >> Yeah. So, when I sat down and I. asked his mom, I said, "Okay, so when.

did you notice these behavior problems. started?" And she said, "Really, it was. right, you know, when he was four." And. I was like, "Wait a minute. This is so. weird.". >> Yeah. >> Behavior problems started when he was. four. I look at his growth chart, he's a. growth arrest when he's four. And so, I'm starting to put it together. and I said, "Did something happen when he was four?". And his mom was just waterworks. And so, we had to take, you know, took my.

patient, took him to the. waiting room. And his mom went on to tell me the story. that he experienced a serious trauma. So, he had a a sexual assault when he. was 4 years old, and he had growth. arrest. He. had struggled with learning, and. also after that, his, you know, his. asthma and his breathing problems had. gotten a lot worse. So, if if a kid's. not growing, you call the endocrinologist, right?

That's the hormone specialist. And I called the endocrinologist. I. said, "You know what? This is This is so. weird. Is this possible that this child. could have had all of this could be. because of this trauma? And she said, "Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely, the effect of stress. hormones could do that.". And I said, "Okay, so what does that. mean in terms of treatment?" And she. said, "The The treatment, if that's the. case, is not hormonal therapy, it's talk.

therapy. Right? You need psychotherapy. and best practices with, you know, uh. therapy for kids, developmentally. appropriate therapy for kids. That will help his stress hormones to. normalize, and that is what is necessary. for him to grow again." And literally, that's what we did. >> Did it work? >> It did work. It really It improved his. growth, it improved his asthma. The challenge was for that particular.

family, there were more stressors and more. stressors. And this is a big part of the. reason why I've ended up dedicating my. career to studying the science of stress. and resilience. >> I want to make sure that as you were. listening to Dr. Burke Harris, that you. really got one of the key takeaways. there, because I think it's fascinating. to call the endocrinologist and say, "Wait a minute, I'm having this insight.

that something traumatic on the outside. impacted. the physiology and the chemical. structure of this kid, and now we're. seeing a physical manifestation of that. because his growth has been arrested.". >> That's right. >> What are some surprising ways, Dr. Burke. Harris, that. traumatic or adverse ins- like. experiences. can show up in your adult life, but on. the surface, particularly if you're one.

of these people you're are "I'm just I'm. going to work. I'm doing my thing. Like. I I I'm not going to like that show up. that could be tied to something deeper. >> I would say one of the most common ways. is how it shows up in our relationships, right? Because. our relationships. are where our stress response gets. tested over and over. >> Are you talking about marriage? >> [laughter].

>> Raising children, going to work. >> Correct. >> Yes. >> Correct. So, I am talking about marriage. and raising children and going to work, right? These are the most common ways because. what happens in our relationship is that. um. when we have an overactive stress. response, right? A couple of things can happen. One, it. can get triggered when there's a. reminder or of something, right? Or if.

we somehow in some way don't feel safe. And so that means that the stress. hormones that are designed to. save our lives from a mortal threat can. go from zero to 100. >> Okay. >> And so that can show up with, you know, your partner says something and you. snap at them, right? Or. truthfully, and this is why this work is. so important, your child does something, right? That.

triggers or activates you. And we may be respond in a way that. we're not proud of. One of the things. that's important for me to add is that. it can show up as us. saying something to someone else, right? Or. um it can be really internalized, right? So, for some folks, they don't. say anything to anybody else, but they. get headaches, right? They get neck pain.

and neck tension. They have. gastrointestinal challenges. They get. autoimmune disease. Right? Because that. stress response is activating over and. over again. And when it activates, it. also activates our immune system. >> That makes sense. >> Yeah. >> I want to make sure that I have the. terminology right. >> as we dive deeper into what to do. And as you're listening, just stay with.

me on this because I think it's very. important that we open up the aperture. and that you allow yourself to really. hear what Dr. Burke Harris is going to. explain in just a second about the. things that can be present in your. childhood. >> Mhm. >> that you think didn't impact you, but. are proven through research to be. adverse childhood experiences. that you should really like think about. and and take in. And so.

what I'm learning so far is that there. are very adverse and tragic and unfair. and scary things that may happen to you. and that do happen to people. And the way that your body responds to. that threat is the trauma. What your. body remembers, how it responds. Yes. >> And would you just explain for the. person listening. what are the top 10 adverse childhood.

experiences that can. have a traumatic like imprint on you and. that can create an overactive stress. responses an adult? >> Um. absolutely. So as I was caring for patients and um. seeing that my patients who had. experienced more stressors, more. adversity, more difficulties at home. were also having. increased risk of.

asthma, autoimmune disease, behavioral. challenges, learning disorders, right? All these different things. I started. diving into the research and saying. like, "Okay, well, I'm the doctor here. So, I got to figure out how to. um you know, what do I do about this?". And so, one of the seminal piece of. research is the Adverse Childhood. Experiences Study. It was published in. 1998, right? So, now almost 30 years ago. It.

was conducted by the CDC, Centers for uh. uh uh. Disease Control and Prevention and. Kaiser Permanente. And what they did was they asked 17 and. a half thousand people. That's a lot of. people, Mel, for research study. about their history of 10 categories of. adverse childhood experiences. >> Okay. >> These included physical, emotional, or. sexual abuse, physical or emotional. neglect, or growing up in a household.

where parent had a mental health. disorder, substance dependence, was. incarcerated, where there was parental. separation or divorce, or intimate. partner violence. So, those were the 10. ACEs that they looked at. And what they found was. shocking, right? The first. was that ACEs were incredibly common. 2/3 of people had experienced at least. one ACE, right? One in eight folks had.

experienced four or more. >> Four or more of those? >> Yes. In fact, the CDC just updated this. research. Now, nationally, it's one in six. individuals have experienced four or. more of these traditional ACEs. But the. second thing that they found was that. there was a dose-response relationship. between these ACEs and health problems, right? So, a person with four more ACEs.

was four and a half times as likely to. experience depression. Was seven times as likely to experience. alcohol dependence. Was 10 times as. likely to. be dependent on opiate opiates. But, they were also two and a half times. as likely to develop heart disease, right? Almost three times as likely to. develop chronic lung disease.

And at first, people thought, "Okay, you. have a rough childhood, you're more. likely to drink and smoke and do all. these things that affect your health. That's That's what it is.". But, it turns out that some very smart. researchers actually looked at what. happens when you remove the impact of. health-damaging behaviors. And that was only about 50% of the risk. So, the good news is that, you know, if. you've experienced these ACEs and you. don't engage in any health-damaging. behavior, you're not sedentary, you eat.

really healthy, you exercise regularly, they. that removes about 50% of the risk. >> Okay. >> But, the other half of the risk, >> Was just the adverse childhood. experience? >> Was just the impact of the overactive. stress response, right? It's like. because when when we. when we activate our stress response, right? It also activates our immune response, right? So, we get increased inflammation.

in our bodies, and that's part of the. reason we why we see increased risk for. things like. heart disease and autoimmune disease. And the good news is there's a lot that. people can do to prevent adverse. outcomes. And one of the key. is buffering. >> Dr. Burke Harris, what exactly is. buffering? >> Buffering is a set of interventions that. helps the body be able to re-regulate.

itself. >> Oh. >> So So buffering can be. a safe, stable, and nurturing presence. Uh buffering can be uh an intervention. like uh therapeutic intervention. And. you know, as a physician, I would say. that even uh biological buffering can. even include, for example, pharmacotherapy. Now, I'll just give you. an example. So,

my husband and I have four kids. >> Okay. >> Right? So, when something um. scary or stressful. happens with one of our boys, right? What's the first thing that we do? We we. grab our kids, we we bring them in, right? And we say, "You're okay, right?" And we we're calm, we're regulated, right? And we say we. say, "You're okay. It's going to be.

okay. That was scary, wasn't it, right?" We. acknowledge the fear, we let them know. that they're safe, right? And And we. pull them in, maybe we pull them into a. hug. What does that do? First of all, the hug releases oxytocin. Oxytocin directly. blocks the activation of the biological. stress response. >> Oh. >> Right? So, we're literally releasing. hormones in their bodies to be able to.

inhibit the activation of the stress. response. But the other thing that we do. is help them understand, "Okay, what. happens when we feel all these big. feelings, right? We feel them, we see. them, we recognize them, and then we if. you're. our kids, right? You get help. And then that. brings things back to baseline again. >> Ah. >> And so that is.

essentially that's buffering. >> So, let me just see if I'm tracking with. you. So, if trauma is not the thing that. happened, it's your body's response to. it, and it creates this overactive. stress response. Buffering. is what you intentionally do. to lower that stress response when you. experience it in your life. It's like. kind of soothing your Is that what it's. like? >> Buffering is what you intentionally do.

>> Yep. >> to bring yourself back into balance. >> Oh. I get it. >> When we talk about the impact of. adversity or stress or trauma, one of the most important things that. the science shows is that. adversity and stress. can lead to trauma in absence of. adequate buffering caregiving system.

What it does is that it helps our kids. learn. how to process, how to regulate. themselves, and how to get back to. baseline, right? And so that's what. that's what buffering does. >> Is there a way you can illustrate. buffering? >> Yes. Okay, I have a great great example. of this. >> Okay, good, cuz I like visual examples. And I'm going to explain this. [clears throat] If you're listening, don't panic. I got you. I'm going to.

explain this. >> So, a great example. or a visual someone could think of in. their mind is like a teeter-totter. >> Oh, like a seesaw kind of thing that. goes up and down on a playground. Okay, got it. >> And I happen to have one right here. >> Okay, great. >> So, when you think about um stress or. adversity, >> Okay. >> right? You if you have a teeter-totter. and it's balanced on a fulcrum, >> Yep. >> right? You can think of stress or.

adversity as kind of like a downward. force on one end of the teeter-totter. Okay. >> happened, now the teeter-totter's down. >> Right, exactly. Then. the way that our bodies' biological. stress response works. >> Yep. >> is that. we want to maintain balance. That's what. keeps it healthy. Our stress response is. designed to save our lives from a mortal. threat, right? And it works best when we. keep it in balance. So, on one side,

there's stress and adversity. And then on the other side, we have. safe, stable, and nurturing. relationships. >> Ah. >> We have. uh regulating practices like breathing. techniques and exercise and mindfulness. We have trauma-informed systems and. trauma-informed care. And that keeps us in balance.

Now, one of the things that a lot of. people don't realize is that where this. fulcrum is set, this fulcrum on the. bottom of the teeter-totter, >> Yeah, it's normally in the middle right. on a playground. >> on the playground, it's in the middle. >> Right. >> The age at which you experience a. a major stressor or a trauma. can actually change the location of that. fulcrum. >> Making either the the adversity more.

pronounced and harder to balance out of. >> exactly. So, what that means is that the. younger you are when you experience a. stressor or trauma or adversity, you need way more buffering on the other. side to be able to balance that out. So, if I move this fulcrum over, right? >> And what Dr. Burke Harris is doing is. she's moving the base of the. teeter-totter over to one side, so it's.

not an even teeter-totter anymore. >> Right. So, you have a short end over. here, which is on the buffering side, and then you have this really long end. over here on the adversity side, because. what we understand is that adversity. when. we're younger, which is a time where. we're more biologically plastic, right? >> Yep. >> It actually can shape the developmental. trajectory. Your brain and body become. wired to respond to stress. So, you need.

way. way more. uh buffering. >> Yes. >> other side. And that's a big part of the. reason why if some of your listeners are. like, "Sure, I experienced some. adversity, but that was way back when.". >> Right. >> Right? And now I'm fine, and I don't. know why this should even still be. bothering me, right? >> I got a good job. I'm. my life seems like it's great, but I.

notice that I'm still like triggered. sometimes, right? It's because the. adversity that we experience. needs to be balanced out by a lot more. buffering in order for us to be able to. balance it out. >> it back then. >> Right, exactly. People used to think. that um. stressors or traumatic experiences that. happened in like infancy. Like, oh, if. you don't remember it, it didn't affect. you. And it turns out it's the exact.

opposite, right? The younger you are, those experiences that happen in. infancy, they can actually shape the way. that your stress response is wired. Right? So, you may not remember the. actual event, but the body remembers. >> Your home should reflect who you are, not who you used to be or what you think. it's supposed to look like, just you. now. And Ashley has pieces that fit. whatever your style is. In fact, I was. scrolling Ashley earlier, and I was.

immediately drawn to the pieces in the. Serene Bay outdoor collection. Now, my. personal style is cozy and functional, and the pieces in this collection feel. elevated, but still livable. And what I. love most about Ashley is that every. piece, it doesn't just look great. They're built for real life with. features like stain-resistant fabrics. that are easy to clean and even. machine-washable cushion covers. Plus, Ashley offers white-glove delivery, so. everything's brought right into your. home and set up where you want it,

making the entire process easy from. start to finish. Visit your local Ashley. store or head to ashley.com to find your. style. >> Well, you know what's interesting about. this is I immediately just thought about. the fact that if you think about your. own experience in life, right? And. wherever it is that you were born, whatever household that you grew up in, there was probably a predominant. language that was spoken. From zero to two, you probably don't. even remember the adults who were.

speaking it or the experiences of it, but your brain and your body and your. nervous system absorbed all those. voices, and it encoded itself in your. brain and your body, and you started. responding. with that language that was in your. household. And so it it does make sense. that even if you don't remember. something and it stressed you out and. your body biologically still freezes or.

remembers it or got triggered or it was. threatening that of course it would. still remember it now. >> Right. Right. >> Is that kind of how it works? >> Yeah, in fact. um. it's actually a little bit more. interesting than that, right? So you're. like of course your body remembers it. now. So. there's been some really fascinating. research on this. This was really. powerful. What they did was they.

um. uh researchers took these baby rats and. they stressed them out, right? By. handling them. And then they gave them. back to their moms. And some moms. naturally did a lot of buffering. So. lots of licking and grooming. That's. what rat moms do. And some moms not so. much. They didn't do a lot. And then when those baby rats grew up, they did all these, you know, tests on. them. And what they found was that the.

rats that had a lot of buffering. did better on uh cognitive tests, right? They were more stress tolerant. So they. were more able to explore. They were. more adventurous. When they actually. measured their biological stress. response. their stress response shut itself off. more normally after the stressor was. gone. And this was really important. When.

those rats had their own babies. they were. more likely to do lots of. buffering, lots of licking and grooming, Right? And and the ones who didn't. receive a lot of um of buffering care, it was the opposite. Like they were less. stress tolerant, their stress response. would stay on longer after a stressor. So, after the stressor is already gone, they're still fired up with the stress. hormones, right? And when they had their.

own babies, they were. less likely to do the buffering care. And what was wild about it was that. these behaviors. they could actually they were tied to. markers on the. uh epigenetic markers. So, markers, not. changes to the genetic code, but markers. on the DNA to tell the body like which. parts of the genetic code get read. >> Wow.

>> So, here's the really cool part, right? So, then what they did with the next. generation of rat babies, they I don't. know if they were watching Lifetime TV. They they switched them at birth. >> What? >> Right? >> Okay. >> So, the the. >> The ones that that grew up with with rat. moms and dads that gave a lot of. cuddling and licking. >> Right? They went to a low buffering. >> Okay. >> mom. And the the ones that were from a. low buffering. mom, they they cross fostered them to a.

high buffering mom. And what they found was they took on the. stress reactivity. of their rearing mother, not of their biological mother. And then. even the epigenetic markers were of. their rearing mother, not of their. biological mother. And what that showed was that experience. of receiving buffering.

actually. changed. the epigenetic markers for these baby. rats. So, it actually changed the way. their DNA was read and and expressed. And that was what translated into. changes in behavior. >> That's really exciting because if I'm. tracking correctly, and you tell me if. I've got this or not, you're basically. saying that even if. you have had a lot of adverse. experiences or traumatic experiences and.

you did not receive the support and the. nurturing and the intervention that you. needed at the time, that the research shows that if you. recognize that and you provide that to. yourself now, that changes you and it changes your. like DNA almost in terms of what's. firing and it opens the door to a.

completely different way to experience. your life. Is that what you're saying? >> That's exactly right. It changes your. biology. So, when we experience. something stressful or traumatic, it. activates our biological stress. response. And that it actually involves. a lot of our body system, like the. brain, the immune system, our hormonal. systems, even the way our DNA is read. and transcribed. And [snorts] in. in absence of adequate buffering.

caregiving systems, what can happen is. that our stress response can actually. stay on high alert. And then that. increases the risk for. not only some of the stuff we typically. associate with trauma, right? Um maybe. anxiety or depression, mental health or. behavioral health challenges, but it it turns out that it also. increases the risk for things like. headache, asthma, autoimmune disease, heart. disease, cancer, right? And that is.

because of these changes that we see to. our biological systems. when we don't have enough buffering. >> Well, it kind of makes sense because if. you have something that flipped on your. fight or flight survival mechanism and. you didn't have any buffering that. helped you. flip it off and start to feel safe. again, your body starts to run at that. rate, always under threat. I mean, I. woke up. for my God, I.

uh I had an incident in the fourth grade. where I woke up in the middle of. sleeping during a sleepover and found an. older kid on top of me. And immediately. like possumed and disassociated and. froze. That was the response in your. definition to what was happening in my. body. >> Right. >> I didn't remember it. >> Wow. >> I didn't remember it for over a decade. and a half. >> Wow. >> And then had this moment where I was. listening to somebody else tell a.

similar story and the whole thing came. flooding back. >> Yeah. >> And. it took me another decade and a lot of. therapy to recognize. that the experience that I had. from being in the fourth grade. to being a grown woman with a job. >> Yeah. >> and kids and I'm married and I'm able to. mostly pay my bills and I'm somewhat. functioning. >> Yeah. >> But every single morning for three.

decades, I would wake up and have this. intense sense of dread. No matter what. was going on. It could be the most. beautiful day. It could be a weekend. We. could have incredible plans and in my. body, I felt this like uh. >> Yeah. >> Something's wrong. Someone's mad. Like. just this deep thing. And what I've come. to learn and your work has been a huge. part of this is that is what you're. talking about. My body was remembering.

the experience of waking up the morning. after it happened, and I didn't tell. anybody what had happened, so there was. nobody to buffer me. >> Right. >> And it stayed with me, and I didn't even. remember it. And so, I feel like. understanding that there are experiences. that your body remembered. >> Yeah. >> And if there's aspects of your adult. life that just don't seem to make sense, they're not how you want them to be,

this is a door you can open to really. start to heal and take control. >> And one of the key. is buffering. >> And even if you didn't get it back then, we're going to we can use buffering. techniques. to be able to calm down an overactive. stress response that you've probably had. since childhood. >> Right. Right. So, that's exactly right. So, let me let me. give an example. >> Okay. >> Right?

So, there's. Well, let me not be hypothetical here. >> [laughter]. >> So, Mel, real talk. When I read about. the ACE study, and I was working on. trying to find solutions for my. patients, >> Yeah. >> part of the reason why it was so. important to me. is because. I grew up in a household with a mom who. had untreated mental illness. My mom.

suffered from paranoid schizophrenia. It was buck wild. Sometimes. >> Yeah. >> So, let me just tell you. Even worse, I will say, in my own. personal experience, even worse than it. being buck wild all the time, was that sometimes. my mom was the best mom in the world. Right? My mom taught me how to hit a. backhand in tennis. My mom was like the. biggest educational champion.

But, she was. unpredictably. violent. Just. disregulated. All All of the above. That was the big motivator for me to say. to see the data on ACEs and was just. like, "These These are my patients. I'm. going to. scour the science to figure out what.

these interventions are.". >> Yeah. >> Right? And. the ironic thing about it is that the. more research I did and the more I put. into practice for my patients, the more I was like, "Huh, I might I might try that at home, right?" And so, for myself, right? As I started putting in. some of these self-regulation practices. >> Got it. >> Right? We know things like mindfulness,

meditation, regular exercise, spending time in nature. All of these. things kind of reduce the activity of. our fight or flight response, right? That's our biological stress response. And increase the activity of our. parasympathetic nervous system. That is. like counteracts the fight or flight. It's resting and digesting. So, so I started doing all this stuff, right? It's great. And I think for for for most people and.

for most of your listeners who are out. there, you do this and it's and it's. just What that's doing is it's stacking. stuff on the other side of the. teeter-totter, right? You're building. self-regulation. into your own life. I start every day. with a meditation and journaling, literally every day. >> What does it do for you? >> Oh. Um.

So, for me. it helps me start the day from a place. of calm and regulation. >> Mhm. >> And it helps me remember what that place. feels like. >> Mhm. >> So, that when I start to move away from. it, I notice it. >> [snorts]. >> Right? Because one of the things that. happens when. we kind of have this stress response. that's going all the time. >> is that.

um. for most of us, we don't even notice. that. >> Well, I think that's the thing about. your work that is so profound. Because it's not like you're some. slouch. I mean, you're like going to the. best schools in the world and you have. all these degrees and you're opening. this clinic. and we think we can outwork or we can. outdegree. or we can somehow run away from this. >> Out-earn. >> Out-earn. >> Yes.

>> And what I found is that. there was nothing that I did. that involved running away from it. that made it disappear. >> That's right. >> And. I'm happy that you just shared that. because if you're listening right now. and you know, you think you've kind of. outrun a lot of this stuff, but you've. never fully thought, "Huh. Maybe it would feel good to not have my.

stress response on all the time. Maybe. it would feel good to not have the. response. of every headline or every email send me. through the roof that I that I that I. maybe should try some of these buffering. things cuz what you're doing as I really. listen to it in the context of your. adverse childhood experiences since your. mom was incapable due to her mental. illness of providing that calm safe.

routine start to the morning. You now as an adult woman are providing. it for yourself. >> Correct. Right? So. I start with these. self-regulating practices of, you know, mindfulness, journaling, go for a walk, do my do my workout. And then. um. we also know that for for some of us for.

some of us that's enough. That's. fantastic. For some of us, we also need. therapy, right? So we add things on top. of that. I myself personally I've uh. used EMDR. >> It's the best. Will you explain for the. person listening what that is cuz it is. a game changer. >> What EMDR is is it's called eye movement. desensitization and reprogramming. And. essentially um. someone who's trained in EMDR, a.

therapist, will um help someone be able. to go back to a past memory. and then using a process of bilateral. stimulation. So some people do tapping, some people use like a a TheraTapper. which is what I use. Um. and you have alternative bilateral. stimulation. The brain actually processes. that experience.

uh. differently when you're having this. bilateral stimulation. And then as part. of the process, one of the really. important things is having a corrective. experience. >> Mhm. >> Right? So, when you go back and you have. the memory, then you identify what. should have happened. >> Mhm. >> And in my corrective experience, when I. when I went back, there's this moment. when, you know, little me from my childhood is sitting.

there and terrified. An adult me comes in. and just sits down on the bed and says, "I'm here.". And that for me, when I think about. all of the research, all of the science. about buffering, trauma-informed care, regulating the stress response, all of. that, essentially, all of that.

can be summed up in this I'm here. effect. >> Mhm. >> Right? It is a regulated presence. who says, "I'm here.". And that can be. that can be adult you showing up for. little you who didn't get it. >> Mhm. And adult you showing up for adult. you right now. >> Correct. So, for me, I'm here on a daily basis. means starting my day with these.

regulating practices, mindfulness, journaling, exercise, time in nature. And that's how I. do I'm here for myself. >> Talk to the person who. right now is kind of going, "Haven't cuz. I think the person listening right I can. almost hear you being like, oh my god. Like I I I have so much I need I need. buffering. I have I have an overactive. stress response. I I I got to do.

something. Like what are. Where do you want the person who's now. having this epiphany? This is me. This. is me. This is me. >> Yeah. >> Where do you start? >> Okay, is this a. >> Yeah, that's right. Girl, >> I see you. Okay. [laughter]. >> [gasps]. >> But I think, so. number one, I want to say that it starts. really simple. So, what does I'm here look like in your own. life, showing up for yourself?

Whether that means. taking a walk every day for for 20. minutes, or starting with um some. mindfulness, or. you know, getting out in nature, right? These are some of the basic. self-regulation practices that anyone. can do. And uh there's there actually. seven evidence-based interventions to. help buffer the biological stress.

response that I include that actually. wrote about in the in the Surgeon. General's report. And these include. sleep, exercise, nutrition, mindfulness, mental health, and healthy. relationships. So, and and time in nature. So, these. are the seven evidence-based. interventions that help to regulate the. biological stress response. So, that's I would say step one. And then, Mel, I would say step two is.

really. connecting and and intentionally. building for yourself, right? These. safe and stable relationships. That is. key. We all know we all have the the one. girlfriend we talk to when we're about. to say something that sounds crazy. We. we she's not going to over react or the.

the brother, right? Who was there during. all the madness and can validate our. experience and. um. and just be present, right? So, really. identifying who are the people in our. lives. And it's Sometimes it's one. person and one person is enough, right? That's the good news. One person is. enough. But often times it's more than. one person that we can talk to, be. authentically vulnerable, and feel safe.

Right? And for And sometimes it means. that we're going to need more. So, it We. may need to reach out to a therapist or. we may want to try um. you know, trauma-focused cognitive. behavioral therapy or internal family. systems therapy or EMDR, but any of. these. These different interventions can also. help us to establish internal safety and.

regulate ourselves. And then finally, for some people medication is helpful, right? And so, that's the other thing. We can talk to your doctor. >> I love that you said the first step is. the starting with yourself. >> Yeah. >> And the reason why I love that is I can. think back uh. it and it's more recent than I care to. admit to me having an overactive stress. response, me not having started EMDR. yet, me still like I was I'm the kind of.

person that when I get emotionally. like triggered by something the stress. response is like a volcano. And I can think of moments with my. husband. Like I would walk in the door, pressure, like got a great come out of. evidence for why I deserve to be. stressed and this is very and like. barking at everybody and then the poor. man just shuts down. >> Right. >> And so how could I possibly buffer him. as he's going through his stuff if I. can't even buffer myself?

>> Yeah. >> And I also feel like it's a really. important thing if you have challenging. people in your life. Cuz I do think almost every one of us. has somebody. that has an overactive stress response. >> Yes. >> and isn't shutting down. They're the. ones yelling at you. They're the ones. who are unpredictable. And you're not going to be able to deal. with them if you don't start buffering. creating safety for yourself. and being the I am here in your words. for yourself.

as a way to feel safe even around. somebody chaotic. I hate admitting that I was the chaotic. person. I hate admitting that I was the. I hate admitting that. Oh my gosh, I. >> love that you're admitting that. You. want to know why? Because I feel like. for a lot of people. the. the biggest obstacle to being able to. address a dysregulated stress response. is even acknowledging, right? People.

say, "Oh yeah, I I had these difficult. experiences, but it didn't affect me because look, I've got a great job, I'm making good. money, I you know, I have this nice. house, and I even have a great spouse, right? And so it didn't affect me." And. you're like. >> [laughter]. >> Is that why you drink a bottle of wine. every night after work? >> Right. Right. Right? And so that first step of. being able to say, "And let me just tell.

you something.". That piece. is a part of saying, "I'm here." for. yourself. is to be able to see, "Mhm. Gosh, I I just kind of. react a little heavy-handed there, didn't I? That's not the mom I want to. be. >> Yeah. >> That's not the partner I want to be. That's not the self I want to be. >> Yeah. >> Right? Or wow, I did feel really. dysregulated because.

one of the things that happens when we. experience trauma and adversity. is that we become the ones. who can't see ourselves. Right? And. so that piece of it, being able to say. yeah, I felt really overwhelmed and I. responded in a way that that I wasn't. proud of. So, the next thing that you do for. yourself.

>> Yes. >> and it just depends on how how much it's. affecting you, right? >> So, it can be making a plan with your. partner, right? About So, it's how do. you get that buffering for How do you. set up an infrastructure of buffering. for yourself? >> Yeah. >> Right? Like, oh, I know that when a. certain thing happens So, you know, many. of us have these like code words or a. hand squeeze or a something. >> Yes. >> to be able to um.

to be able to. help us regulate and and get out of the. situation. But honestly, it sounds like. that's a really good time to. maybe explore it with a therapist and. understand. what that trigger is for you and then. understand what is that corrective. experience. >> Yeah. >> Because one of the pieces that we. understand is that these corrective. experiences can then help to rewire our.

stress response. So, maybe it's that I. actually didn't feel safe holding a. boundary that and so, maybe I got to say. to. you know, my mother in law. actually. you know what, we're not coming for. Thanksgiving this year. I know that it's. very upsetting for you and. but. this is what our family's choice is, right? So really understanding how do. you show up for yourself.

in those moments in a way that creates a. corrective experience for you. >> One of the other things about your work, Dr. Burke Harris, that I think is. important for you to explain because. you're very clear about the fact that. willpower, motivation, and mindset. often fail. when you have an overactive nervous. system. So could you as a doctor just. kind of explain if you're dealing with. this issue of motivation, can't get your. resume done, you can't seem to do the.

get-up-and-go, you're in that loop of. thinking about what you need to do but. you can't quite get the juice to do it? What is going on when that's happening. that relates to this overactive stress. response? >> Yeah, so. um. the analogy that I like to give is the. way that our stress response works is. that you can imagine if you're walking. in the forest and you see a bear, right? Like what happens in our brains and.

bodies? >> Yeah. >> Right? Well, the first thing is our. amygdala, right? Which is our brain's. alarm system, sounds the alarm and tell. our brain and body to release stress. hormones. >> Okay. >> So we release adrenaline and cortisol. So our hearts start to pound, our pupils. dilate, our airways open up, we shunt. blood to our big muscles for running and. jumping and away from that itty-bitty. muscle that holds your bladder closed so. you may pee your pants but there's no.

judgment. Right? And. uh so you're ready to either fight the. bear. >> Yes. >> or run from the bear. >> Yes. >> But if you were to think about it, fighting a bear would not seem like a. good idea, would it? No. And that's why the amygdala actually. sends neurons. It sends projections. to the prefrontal cortex. That's the. part of the brain that sits right here. behind the forehead. >> Yep. >> And this is the part that's responsible. for judgment, impulse control, executive.

functioning. and it turns it way down. >> Mhm. >> Because the last thing you want if. you're in a forest and there's a bear is. some impulse control getting in the way. of survival. >> Right. Because if you were to make a. rash, stupid decision to then go try to. fight a bear, you would be dead. And I. take it when you're a little. kid, if you're in a situation where. you're under threat. that the same mechanism is happening,

which is why a lot of us freeze or hide. or run or do something different than. put up the dukes and go after dad. >> That's exactly right. Now. that is what we. call the fight or flight response. >> Okay. >> or. you're absolutely right. The other thing. that can happen is that you can freeze. So there's a fight, flight or freeze. And then the other thing that happens. and especially it's more common with. women is that you can fawn. It's the.

affiliative response. >> that mean? >> So that means is that you become. compliant. You people please for your. own safety. >> Yes. >> Right. >> Yeah. All of these are driven by safety. >> All of them are driven by yeah. >> that moment when it's the bear or it's. dad or it's systemic racism or it's. bullying at school, no one's there. >> Right. Right. And so you're having to. figure out. >> Yes. >> how to survive.

>> Yes. >> this situation. And so, this is. the ways in which our stress response. become wired for survival. >> Got it. >> Right. For the folks who really just. can't get themselves organized or or are. procrastinating even though that is when. we see that that prefrontal cortex is. really just having a really hard time. engaging, right? Because the amygdala is.

on overdrive. And that's actually. biologically. what happens. And that's why buffering. is so important. >> This is so important because if you're. trying to power through. your own biology, you probably are always going to exhaust. yourself and not win. But if you. recognize that your biology. is like subconsciously so quickly. causing you to either freeze or. whatever, the buffering allows you to.

down regulate your stress so you can. reengage the part of your brain that. helps you. Is that right? >> Mel, it's even I'm going to say it's. even worse than that. In my experience. >> Yes. >> So, if you are trying to power through. >> Yes. >> and you're struggling to do it because. of your biology but you don't know, >> Yes. >> you're going to say, "Why can't I do it? Look at that guy over there. He can do. it, but I can't do it. I suck, right?".

And that's where the shame layer comes. in, right? And what does shame do? Shame. doesn't only increase our stress, but it also isolates us. >> Mhm. >> So, it makes us less likely to connect. to the thing that we actually need to be. successful, right? And that's why. understanding the biology is so powerful. because it takes a we're like, "Oh. Oh, this is just my overactive stress. response, right? And this is how it.

shows up for me." That's a sign that. what I need right now is buffering, connection, support. It means that I need to do these. self-regulation practices. >> Yeah. >> I need to do some mindfulness, some. journaling, go for a walk, go for a. workout. And I need to. be able to. get support from someone who I feel safe. with. >> Dr. Burke Harris, this is so awesome.

because you're explaining. how the biology is keeping you stuck. without even you realizing it, but you. offer a very hopeful message because the. same biology that puts you in an. overactive stress response. that over time compounds into these. things that we experience as an adult, whether it's autoimmune disorder, chronic procrastination, the shame. cycles that you get yourself caught in. cuz you see other people and why can't I. do What the hell's wrong with me? Um.

but your message is hopeful cuz you say. that the same biology that basically. became overactive. can adapt. >> Can adapt, right? And one of the most. important things for that adaptation. >> Yeah. >> is corrective experiences. >> Okay, so what does that mean? >> So, this is something that I learned. from very smart um researchers. One of. them, Dr. Frank Anderson, is a.

psychologist who focuses focuses on. internal family systems, but we see this. also with other trauma therapies like. EMDR. And essentially, what it says is. whatever it is that you learned, right? I learned that if I asked for help, no. one would come to my aid. >> Then the corrective experience is asking. for help and actually getting it. And then your.

body and your brain and your nervous. system can learn that. >> How do you do that if even the idea of. asking for help sends your nervous. system into an overactive state? >> Right. So, for someone who's really struggling, I. really recommend. getting support. >> Yeah. >> Right? Getting support whether. whether that is. from a a licensed professional, right?

Or even in the context of. talking with a great girlfriend who you. really trust and say, "You know what? I'm telling myself this. story that if I. ask for what I need, I'm not going to. get it.". >> Yeah. >> Right? Sometimes that support. [clears throat]. is with pharmacotherapy, right? So,

sometimes we need a little something. to help us be able to balance and. regulate our stress response so that. then we can. learn, right? Like our our biology can. learn, "Oh, wait, there's a different. outcome here.". >> If um the person listening. starts to use these tools. and you start to. provide the buffering for yourself. I am. here. What are some of the small little.

glimmers. that you might notice that are signs. that this is working? >> Honestly, some of the things that. I've noticed in my in my own life. um and in my own relationships is that. we can be less reactive, right? And more responsive. >> Mhm. >> Um what I've seen in my clinical. practice. is that uh.

when we add this buffering. >> Yeah. >> to. whatever the standard treatment is, whether it's ADHD or a child's not. growing or whatever, then we see clinical improvement, right? So, whether it's, you know, headache or. abdominal pain, just when we add that. layer of buffering, we're able to. regulate the stress response. We see the impacts both.

behaviorally in terms of how we show up. both for ourselves and in our. relationships, and then we also can see. the difference in our health. >> That makes sense for me cuz I know in my. own experience that there are still. things almost daily that trigger me. It. knocks me off my balance for a moment, and then I can take a deep breath. because I've been practicing the. buffering skills without really truly. understanding. it as a complete way.

to be there for yourself and to heal. yourself. Um your response time is so I I don't. snap at my kids anymore. I'm faster to apologize. I'm more. patient. I'm way more compassion with. annoying people in my life. And I can. just exhale and be there for myself, and. it's. shocking. how much things change. You know, can you speak to the person. that's been listening who. is realizing that somebody that they.

love. has a lot of. adverse childhood experiences. >> Mhm. >> And. they can see that this person that they. love is in an overactive stress. response. What is one thing that you want them to. know that they could do to support this. person in their life other than sending. them this episode? >> One of the most important things, um. in addition to.

being there for ourselves, right? So, being a. um a regulated presence, so regulating. ourselves, um can also. be. just being a a witness to their. experience, right? And being able to to. recognize and say, "Wow, I can see that that. how that impacted you." And then.

letting them know that we love them. >> Yeah. >> Right? And that healing is possible. >> I love that. I love that. >> Yeah. >> Dr. Burke Harris, if the person listening. >> Mhm. >> takes just one action. based on all of the wisdom and love and. buffering that you've poured into us by. being here today with us, what do you think the most important. thing to do. is?

>> I think the thing that enables. all of this. is really having the courage to look and. say, "Do I have some aces? Right? And is that showing up in my life right. now?". And then go from there and say, "Okay, well, if that's the case, what does that mean about how I show up. for myself? What kind of supports do I need so that. I can be. well supported?

>> Mhm. >> Right? And then so that I can um. show up for the people in my life. >> Dr. Burke Harris, what are your parting. words? >> Mhm. Well, because I am a super public health. nerd, >> [laughter]. >> I will say, um. I believe infrastructure. is love in action. >> Mhm. >> What we build, the systems that we build.

in our personal lives for ourselves, whether it is, um. connecting to a strong group of friends. who we feel safe with, right? But. building it ahead of time. and not waiting for the wheels to fall. off the cart. That would be like. one of the most important things. >> Well, Dr. Burke Harris, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You are. a global treasure.

>> Mhm. >> I am so appreciative of of the time that. you took to come here and to teach. everything and share everything that you. did with us and I cannot wait to see. how this one conversation. creates a positive wave of change in. people's lives around the world. >> Mel, it has been my pleasure, my joy. Thank you so much. >> And I also want to thank you. Thank you. for making the time and spending time.

listening to something that not only. might have rocked your world, but I hope. it opened your eyes and it opened your. heart to a completely different. possibility. And I love the fact that Dr. Burke. Harris gave us a research-backed. playbook that you can follow so that you. can start to do the healing that you. deserve, so that you can start to buffer. yourself now, so that you can use this I.

Am Here method to start with yourself. and there's no doubt in my mind I. believe her that it begins with the. systems you put in place for yourself, for your family, for community and from. there by taking care of yourself I think. we actually take care of improving the. world. And in case no one else tells you. I wanted to be sure to tell you as your. friend that I love you and I believe in. you and I believe in your ability to. create a better life. And one way that I. can prove that is you took the time to. listen to this. And if you follow what Dr. Burke Harris.

[music] said, you will create a better. life. Already, I will see in the very. next episode. I'm going to welcome you. in the moment you hit play. And thank you for watching all the way. to the end on YouTube. Thank you for. being generous and sharing this with. people in your life, people who you know. have more potential but they keep. getting in their own way. I hope this. [music] episode brought you not only. science and frameworks but a lot more. compassion about the fact that a lot of. people are stuck in biological and.

neurological patterns. So thank you for. sharing this as a life-changing resource. and thank you for investing the time in. [music] watching it for yourself. I know. you want to know what video to watch. next but before we do that I'm going to. recommend something. I just want to ask. you if that subscribe button is lit up, [music] would you please hit subscribe? It's free. It is the fastest way for you. to support me and the team here at the. Mel Robbins podcast and world-renowned. experts like Dr. Nadine Burke Harris who. are showing up here on YouTube to. support you in creating a better life.

That way you don't miss a thing. >> [music]. >> It tells us you love what we're doing. and it's one simple thing that you can. do to say job well done, I appreciate. it. So thanks for doing [music] that and. that video that you want, it's right. here and I'll welcome you in the moment. you hit play.