If You Feel Overwhelmed, Stressed, or Stuck, Listen to This

Today on the Mel Robbins podcast, how to. feel less [music] overwhelmed and less. stressed and tools for navigating this. crazy and exhausting [music]. world with extraordinary therapist and. best-selling author Kier Gaines. Hey, it's Mel. And before we jump into. this extraordinary episode with the one. and only Kier Gaines, my team was. showing me this. 51% of you who watch. the Mel Robbins podcast here on YouTube. are not subscribers. If that subscribe. button is lit up, it means you're not.

subscribed. Would you please do me a. favor and hit the subscribe button? My. goal is to get that number to 40%. I. know you love supporting people who. support you, and that's the best way to. support me and the team here and. extraordinary experts like Kier Gains, who by the way is going to blow you. away. Thank you in advance for hitting. subscribe. I truly appreciate it. And. trust me, you're going to be so happy. you're here, cuz this conversation is. extraordinary. Kier Gaines, it is an absolute pleasure.

to welcome you to the Mel Robbins. podcast. >> Absolutely crazy. Thank you for having. me. Thank you for having me and your. beautiful staff welcome me in. And it. feels like a very um like a very warm. place. It's warm and inviting. >> It is. >> Yeah, I like that. >> Yeah, it is. That's how I roll through. life. You know, I think that there's a. lot of people or at least I used to be. this way. >> I would wake up in a bad mood. >> Mhm. [clears throat] And. at times in my life there was a. particular reason why. But I think it.

became a habit to wake up and be in a. bad mood for no particular reason. >> Yeah. >> And so I decided that I would just. become the kind of person that went. through life with an optimistic, warm. and positive outlook and it really. started to shift everything. >> Yeah. I feel like when you project that. out into the world, you also invite it. into your life. M. >> um I'm not quite where you are yet. I'm. I'm I'm still a little I'm getting into. my old chromogen guy where [laughter] I.

wake up some mornings I'm like I don't. want to talk to anyone. Don't look at. me. But um just taking a moment and and. being grateful and understanding that I. can hold two complex things at one time. Like I can be grateful for the life that. I have and all the amazing things that. are going on. I can also be frustrated. by some of the BS that comes along with. it. It just gives me a little bit more. harmony. I don't know if I believe in. balance, but it gives me a little bit. more harmony in my life. It's more. authentic way for me to live. >> I think that's the best way for all of.

us to live. >> Oh, I agree. >> And it's a really hard skill to hold. space for those two things. >> It is. >> You You're already like starting to drop. life-changing. small little things. >> I speak from the heart, Mel Robbins. >> Yes, you do. And here's how I want you. to start. I want to start by having you. just prepare the person who's listening. Buckle up. Like what is it that could. change about their life or their. relationships if they truly lean in and. take to heart everything that you are.

about to drop in this episode today? >> If you lean in and take to heart. everything we're going to share, what I. believe will change for you is the way. you manage your stress, the way you. manage your relationships, the way you. manage the things that are happening in. your life. Because it'll go from just. you reacting to things, just bouncing. off of every single thing that's. happening in your life like a pinball. Just. It'll go from that to you moving with. more intentionality,

clarity, and way more awareness. You. know, the world will have you believe. that. everything is it falls into the category. of this insatiable desire for hurry. You. have to hurry up and do it. You're. always in a rush. There's always another. thing. There's always a to-do list to. check off. No. Sometimes the best thing. you can do is to pause. And that's. counterintuitive because we we don't. pause. We don't I don't have time to. pause. I don't have time to break. I.

don't have time to think about it. I. just have to do do. But when you pause, you're able to gain more control over. what's going on with you. You're able to. sit and just be. You're able to look at. things from a thousand mile view. When. you on the dance floor, Mill, it's hard. to tell what's going on around you. You. just see motion and bodies, but from the. balcony, you get a different. perspective. But you can't get that. viewing. You can't get that perspective. if you're constantly reactive. If you're.

not responding to things, if you're not. accumulating any intel and information, if you don't have any wherewithal, if. you're just on go. I get why you think. you need to be on go all the time, but. give me a chance to prove you wrong, cuz. I don't think that's the case. And I do. not think that's beneficial for you. >> Why is it so hard to just exist and live. in the world today? >> Oh my goodness, for a million reasons. What a crazy world we live in. [gasps].

You know, the world isn't really designed to. support your peace and happiness. >> That's not how the world is designed. >> The world is designed for your. productivity and for your attention. >> and that's it. It's meant to absorb your your attention. and churn productivity out of you and. works for the world. That's how we get. buildings and how we have infrastructure. and how we have all these beautiful.

creature comforts around us. Sucks for. the individual though. It zaps you of. almost everything that you hold dear, everything that's warm and fuzzy about. you. But if you just take a look at. where we spend the majority of our time, social media, watching the news, being subject to. marketing. Well, how do these things make you feel? What are they designed to do? Social. media is designed to make you feel like. you're behind.

Marketing is designed to make you feel. like you're being left out. The news is. designed I don't know what the news was. was originally designed for, but now. it's designed to scare the hell out of. you. This is billions and billions and. billions of dollars engineered against. your own wellness. And a lot of us don't. even have a counter strategy. We have. nothing to combat that whatsoever. So in my work, what I what I do in what. I call an emotional readiness. architecture, erra, which is just a a.

really sexy [laughter] fancy therapist. way of saying your emotional fitness, how prepared you are to deal with the. slings and arrows of life, how well you. can traverse and navigate the things. that are happening to you every single. day. Um it's. it's never too late to gain those tools. It's just a matter of how you go about. doing it. What's your guidance and. what's your instruction? That's why I'm. such a fan of therapy. I don't know. where you are person who's listening to.

this with therapy. You may think therapy. is amazing. You may think therapy is. okay, but you haven't found the right. therapist. Trust me, I get it. Or you. may think that therapy is complete BS, which I I understand if you've had a bad. experience. But that guidance piece is. so important because it's hard to. protect ourselves from messages that we. we don't have any control over. Again, you when you open up your social media. feed, you are being subjected to tens. and millions of bad takes and have. chewed ideas unsolicited and without.

your consent. And it's like you're. drinking from a fire hose. If you drink. from a water fountain, it quenches your. thirst. If you drink from a fire hose, it breaks your teeth. >> [laughter]. >> And every single day we're getting our. teeth broken by opinions and views that. we don't necessarily care for a job. with. What do how do you protect yourself? What do you have to secure your ability. to move through guilt and shame and.

blame and to build self-awareness and to. secure selfhonesty? And I realized that there's a gap where. people don't have that. And Mel, that's. been my life's work. Well, I loved what. you said about emotional fitness. >> Yeah. >> And the reason why is some of the words. that have been like, first of all, I. don't like the word mental health. >> because I feel. >> Give it to me. Why you don't like it? >> I don't like it because it feels like. there's something wrong with you.

[laughter]. >> That's that's the way a lot of people. feel actually. >> You know what I Like if we're talking. about mental health, like there's. something wrong with my brain and the. way I think and depress and anxiety and. all this stuff that I'm and I love the. idea of emotional fitness because what. what I immediately think is strength. >> because I'm constantly saying to my. kids, it's not about mental health. Like. mental health means happiness. Don't you. want that? Mental health means you can. bounce back. Mental health means you're. self-aware enough to know that something. on the outside is getting on the inside.

and it's time to like step like this is. about power. This isn't about like. weakness. >> And so I love what you said about. emotional fitness cuz I want that. I. want that kind of strength. I want the. ability to dodge the arrows that are. being shot at me. I want the ability to. be strategic and to be stronger, especially in the world today, and not. so like reactive. I'm not talking numb. I'm just talking able. >> to catch myself and strategically.

respond to what's happening versus. constantly breaking my teeth from the. fire hose. And you mentioned tools, and. I know we're going to get into them, but. can you preview a little bit about what. you actually mean when you say there are. tools that you can learn and skills that. you can build that strengthen your. emotional toughness, especially for a. world that we're living in today. >> What you're hitting towards is what a.

lot of people think about mental health, but I think we're moving towards more. resilience. And resilience is one of the. tools that you use within emotional. fitness. >> Now, resilience sounds kind of cushy. So, how do you define what does it mean. if you are somebody that has built the. skill of resilience? >> It means that you're able to bounce. back. It means that bad things happen to. you, but bad things happen to you. And. the bad thing that happened to you is. not the punctuation on the sentence. You. still have work to do. Things are hard. Things are hard. And I'm sad. I'm sad.

and you're able to still move through. I'm a big football fan. I'm a huge. football fan. And I don't I don't know. person who's listening. I don't know if. you're a football fan, but but allow. just indulge me for a second, please. In. football, there's a position called a. running back. And I'm pretty sure this. ain't going to be my last football. reference for today, so forgive me if. you hate the sport. But when you're. running back, you're the person in the. back field who takes the ball. Yep. And. you're supposed to run up the field and. get a touchdown. That's that's your job.

The problem is there are 300 lb dudes. trying to kill you in between you and. the touchdown. And sometimes one of. these guys stops you and you don't. always immediately get tackled. You. don't always immediately get tackled. But any good running back coach is going. to tell you. Even when you get stood up, even when you have five people piling on. your back, you never stop chopping your. feet. You never stop your feet from. moving. You're always supposed to keep. those feet going. That's resilience. Even when you hit the 300 pound.

obstacle, even when you can't see what. the end zone is like, even when you feel. hopeless, even when you feel down, even. when you feel unsupported, you keep. chopping your feet and progressively. moving forward. But that takes self. honesty. You got to be honest about the. circumstances that you're surrounded in. You got to be honest, not just about. your strengths, but about your deficits, too. And not allow that to sink you sink. you into a hole of self-deprecation. where you only say negative things about. yourself. No, everybody has strengths. and weaknesses. What makes you immune to.

that? I don't I'm not afraid of my. weaknesses. I hold them tight. And then. that allows me to say, "Mel, I'm not. very good at this thing. You think you. can come in and help me with this? You. think you could tell me what you did as. opposed to me trying to just do it solo? That's how I keep my feet chopping. That's how I build resilience." That's. one of thousands and thousands of tools. that we use in order to make sure that. our wellness is intact. and we're going. to talk about a bunch of them today. And. I had the honor of getting an advanced. copy of your book, It All Starts When.

You Do. This is going to be a. blockbuster. I read a lot of books. This. one is fantastic. >> Thank you, Mel Robbins. >> It is so relatable. It is so. entertaining to read and it has so many. takeaways and I want to read to you from. what will be this blockbuster of a. bestseller that's changing lives. This. is page 24. >> Okay. >> And the chapter is entitled, "Do you. accept the uncomfortable truths in.

life?". The problem here is obvious. If you keep. listening to that deep down voice, you'll never get what you want out of. life. You'll keep thinking that. happiness, financial freedom, love, peace, and success are for other people, not you. In those moments, what's. happening is that you're a person. experiencing insecurity, and you have to. follow the trail of breadcrumb to figure. out what you're insecure about. You need.

to know the source of your insecurity so. that you can treat it. That diagnosis is. the first critical step in starting to. feel more secure and having more faith. in yourself. Mhm. >> Can you talk a little bit about that and. this sense of I just don't believe in. myself. I feel insecure. >> Yeah. I don't believe in myself is one. of the uncomfortable truths that I talk. about in the very beginning of the book. And what an uncomfortable truth is is.

it's a part of our live reality that we. are afraid to accept. We either think. it's some type of indictment on our. strength and capabilities. We think that. it's a statement that we lost that we're. waving the white flag. We try to avoid. it at all costs and we're very good at. avoiding things. We have a lot of fancy. psycho language now for avoidance. But. the uncomfortable truth isn't something. that you run from. It's something that. you walk towards because you can't. overcome something that you refuse to. acknowledge is true. So with.

insecurities in my practice, I find that. they come from a lot of different. places. two consistent places that I. find either one is some type of striving. for perfection that you fall short of. By the way, perfection is not a thing. And even if you hit your idea of. perfection now, it won't be your idea of. perfection in 5 years. It's a frivolous. journey. Or two, it comes from a recent. failure uh or some type of loss that. you've taken that was significant to.

you. It was it was meaningful. Um, but. yeah, insecurities, the way that we walk. out of them, one of the tools that I. like to use are I'm statements. I'm sure. you've heard a lot of times about eye. statements. When you're having a. disagreement with your partner, instead. of saying, "You never wash the dishes,". you say, "I would like to have a house. where the dishes are washed and I don't. feel like I have enough support in. that." Because you take the blame off of. the person. You make the problem the. problem. You don't make the person the. problem. But these are I'm statements.

And I'm statements I am really help you. identify where the soil is the most. fertile for your insecurities to grow. So I'm blank. >> or I'm always blank. Whatever's in that. blank is going to be a good indication. of where your roof is leaking. So if you. say um I'm such u I'm always finding a. way or are you saying I'm always messing. this up? M.

>> are you saying I'm such a smart person. or I'm such a dummy? That's a that's going to tell you where. your internal dialogue is and where some. of those leaks are coming from because. you don't always find your insecurities. Sometimes your insecurities find you. >> Give me an example. >> Oh my goodness. Uh I have Okay, I'll use. myself as an example. I don't get to do. this in my sessions a lot [laughter]. because it's not about me. is about the. person. All right. So, I have.

insecurities around parenthood. >> You do? >> See, look. >> Well, you want to know why I react like. that? >> Do I? >> Because I first bumped into your. content. >> Yeah. >> And. it was so jaw-droppingly profound. And I. can't remember if you were brushing your. daughter's hair or you were doing. something about a bike and you were in a. garage and you were calmly talking about. something that went down cuz you have.

two young daughters. >> Yeah. >> And two and kids tend to act up. >> all the time. And then you were very. calmly explaining and I can't even quite. remember what it was, but as I watched. you and you were explaining something. about how your daughter reacting was. appropriate for her age. >> Mhm. >> You reacting to your daughter being. upset even though you had a busy day at. work, even though you had a lot going on. and you were like you I can see you in. the and you were like, "Yeah, I don't.

want to be cleaning the garage." But you. choosing not to react to her and. modeling something different. I watch this. I sent it to my husband. Chris. I said, "This explains everything. I did wrong as a parent. [laughter]. I now know why I pay for my adult kids. to have therapy because of all the. things that I was completely reactive. about that would showed that I was. emotionally immature and. >> you know and it was so powerful what you.

were modeling that you have become. somebody that I believe is leading the. way in modeling the way to parent. extremely effectively. because you're managing yourself while. also building up strength and. independence in your children. >> Yeah. But let's. >> Can you Can you receive that? >> I receive that. Okay. And that's the. absurdity of insecurity sometimes. Going. back to what I originally said, the.

insecurities come from two things. One, a recent failure. And this is me. catastrophizing catastro. I suck at that. word. Making a catastrophe out of a. failure. And the other thing is uh some. some strike of perfection that I'm. trying to reach. I have this idea of. what parenthood looks like in my mind. that is not realistic. And I think a lot. of us have that. >> It doesn't take into account your own. lived experience, the fact that you're. tired, the fact that you have complex. adult stuff going on. Me and thank you.

for the compliment. I I really do. receive that and I hear you. But it. doesn't take away my insecurities about. parenthood. >> And sometimes I really have to check. myself. I This is where the resilience. comes in. I really have to check myself. and realize that I'm allowed to be human. or I'm I'm allowed if I'm feeling. insecure because my daughter isn't doing. the best in math, I automatically take. her failures and make them my personal. failures. But that's not happening to.

me. It's not happening to me. And it's. not something that's necessarily formed. against me. >> What do you mean it's not happening to. you? >> Well, it's her her not being the best. that she can be in math is just a a. circumstance of something that needs to. change. It's not necessarily something. that's happening to me. It's more of an. indicator that perhaps we need to adjust. something. >> Okay. I I I want to stop right there. >> Yeah. Because as you're listening to. Kier, I want you to stop and think about.

a situation in your life because we all. have it where we break it down. >> Yeah. where we literally because of what. your either kid is doing. >> or what's happening with your parents. >> or what's happening with your partner. >> that you think that the fact that your. partner is out of shape or put on weight. or you think because your adult kid is. struggling in their 20s that it is a. reflection on you. >> No, not always. But you just you just.

said something I think is really. important as a tool. And I'd love to. have you unpack it, which is how do you. catch yourself when you recognize that. you're nitpicking on your spouse isn't. actually about them losing weight. It's. you managing what you think other people. think about. You see what I'm saying? Oh, no. I see what you're saying. And. now, and because you were just exposing. that if if your daughter's not doing. well in math, you immediate collapse. like I'm not doing a good job as a.

parent. And you said very quickly, which. is why I want to expand this a little. bit. No, no, no, no. There's a different. way to look at this. We have a. circumstance. We have a situation that. needs attention. >> Yeah. >> But this is not a reflection on me. What. I do about this is. >> Yeah. Yeah. That I think that goes back. to resilience and greater awareness. It's easy. You're the easiest person to. blame in your life. What do you What if. you blame someone else? You run the risk. of rupturing and losing that. relationship of them being mad at you. Mel, what you going to leave yourself?

[laughter]. No. Where you going to go? It's very. easy for you to make yourself the little. whipping boy of all of the negative. experiences that are happening in your. life. So, what I asked myself is, okay, what else can this be attributed to? >> I used to have my first car was this car. called a 1992 Buick Roadmaster. I was in. love with it, but it's basically a. refrigerator on wheels. And [laughter]. I paid $1,400 for from it from a auto.

auction and it broke down every other. week. And sometimes I would try to cut. the car on and it wouldn't work or. there' just be steam popping up out of. the hood. And my first thing was so it. was such a catastrophic way of thinking. You know, the engine's dead, the the. engine's messed up. But when something. breaks on your car, the cheapest and. most effective way to try to problem. solve is to deal with the easiest to fix. option first. >> Is there a tube that may be leaking? Cuz. that's a $10 fix. Replacing the engine.

is a $2,500 fix. Okay, maybe a tube's. not leaking. Is there a seal that's. leaking? Is my water pump okay? Is my. radiator okay? I walk back to easier, more simpler fixes. What else can this. problem be attributed to that is that. isn't necessarily something that I did? And also you have to understand that. blame, it grabs all of our awareness. It. is a brilliant awareness grabber, but. it's not helpful. It's not a helpful. tool in your relationship. It's not a.

helpful tool in your self- messaging. Blame is not helpful. Accountability is. helpful because accountability says I'm. going these things are my responsibility. and I'm going to be empowered to. actually do something about it. >> Blame is just looking for somebody to. pin it all on. And what did it makes you. feel better a little bit in the short. term? Sure. But in the long term, what. does it accomplish? What does it change? What does it transform? >> Kier, I have so many just specific. things to ask you. But before we uh go.

any further, I know that this is going. to be a episode that so many people send. to the men in their life. >> Okay. >> Their partners, their brothers, their. sons, their dads. I would love to have. you speak directly to the guy, >> okay, >> who got this in a text and because it. was you, they hit play or because it was. their wife who said, "You really need to. listen to this dude. I [clears throat]. think this is really going to help you. at work." Right? >> If you're listening to audio, her head. is shaking while she's doing that.

>> It's like bobblehead right now. And so I. I because that's kind of how I feel when. that's the intention, you know, when I'm. sending that link to my brother or to my. my husband or my son. you you need to. listen to this and it's typically an. episode with a guy. >> Okay. >> I would love to have you speak to the. the guy who actually hit play on this. >> Mhm. >> Because somebody loves them and thinks. you can make a difference. What is. available. to a guy that is so powerful if you.

build mental fitness and you have more. peace in your life. One thing that I. need you to understand is that in a. boy's maturation, and I said this before. in in an interview, >> what is matur? That's a big word. >> Maturation. So maturation is just a. state of your maturity as you were. growing up, as in your upbringing, in. your development, as you were becoming a. full person. Every single stop along the. way is designed to separate you from. your emotions. And I already said it,

you're really, really good at the things. that you practice. So when you are a. little teeny boy and you cry and you. just want your mom to pick you up and. hug you, somebody's probably going to. say, "Hey, stop holding that boy like. that." You're going to make him soft, separating you from your emotions. When. you become a little kid and you fall off. of your bike and you cry because your. knee hurts, it's bleeding. Somebody's. going to tell you, "Hey, get up. Get. back on that bike. Stop crying." When. you become a a young man, when you're a. teenager and the person you love broke.

up with you, they say, "Hey, hey, it's. other fish in the sea. What you crying. over another person for? Why are you. crying?" And then you get married or you. have a a long-term partner and you begin. to express your displeasure or you begin. to express your frustration or they say. something that's hurtful or inflammatory. or just makes you not feel very good and. they say what do you what do you this is. a new word that you sassy. Oh now you. being a sassy man. What are you in your. feelings? And all of these are designed.

to separate you from your emotions. And. what happens is your internal like your. internal sense of being gets thrown off. and off whack where now you can't access. those emotions when you need to. And. then that you don't have the the ability. to know the complexity of what you feel. So like there will be an emotion that. happens. You'll be angry. There'll be. something that happens to evoke an angry. emotion. And most people say anger is a. secondary emotion. I think it's a. primary emotion. >> What does that even mean? Secondary.

primary. >> Secondary emotion. It's just it's it's. secondary. When they say anger is a. secondary emotion, what they're saying. is there's something under the anger. that's causing the anger, which is true, but I have a different interpretation. I. think it's primary, which means it comes. first. The anger is the first feeling. that you feel, but when you sit with. that anger for a little bit and you. realize what else may be attached to it, you realize that you're angry because. you're disappointed. Oh, so you're not.

just angry, bro, you're also. disappointed. And that disappointment is. what we call a secondary emotion, which. is the second emotion. Why are you. disappointed? And then when you sit with. that disappointment and you process it. enough, you feel disappointed because. you feel hopeless. Oh, so you feel hopeless. And you're. trying to solve for anger, but what you. really feel is also hopelessness. M if. you have a migraine, I don't think. allergy medicine is going to fix that.

So now you're trying to you have a. prescription for a feeling that's not. working. >> and you remain angry. And when you're. angry out in the world, anger does. multiple things. It gets attention. because I know men have all the power in. the world. Absolutely. I get it. All the. power in society and infrastructure. Patriarchy is a real thing. But in men's. individual lives, men don't feel. powerful. They don't feel powerful. So. what happens is when you get angry, you. get attention. You get you can regain. some of your power and control, but it's.

at the expense of your relationships. >> So if you don't hear anything else I. say, just know that we men have been. designed to rebrand their emotions into. something that's way more palatable. socially, way more acceptable socially. It's a a man being sad like, who cares? Cry, cry me a river, build a bridge and. get over it. You have all the power. Who. cares? But that sadness permeates not. only into your family, but into the. deepest parts of your life and your.

being. >> And if you don't have enough practice. accepting that sadness without making. yourself feel bad about it, you won't. know how to fix and solve it. You won't. know what medicine to take in order to. to to remedy the wound. The manliest. thing you can do isn't to ignore your. emotions. That's been the motif for like. the past 30, 40 years. I get it. Maybe. when we were out west and the Marorrow. man was a thing and you lose your kid to. some type of illness at the age of five.

when life was hard on the frontier. Maybe that was true. We live in a. different society. I have a phone and I. can I can get a sandwich right now if I. want it. I can listen to whatever song I. want. I don't even eat fish with a head. on anymore cuz I don't have to. Okay? We. don't we're not those people anymore. >> [laughter]. >> that time is done and we need to adapt. with the time and and I think just. masculinity is having a really tough. time adapting but you don't have to and. instead of rebranding and avoiding your. feelings actually understanding them and.

having words to them and controlling. them is how you become as my mentor. Jason Wila says a comprehensive man. >> you said that while men may express. anger that's actually not what they're. feeling so as a therapist. And with the global reach that you have, what do you want us to know about what. the typical man is actually feeling. underneath. the pressure of life given that you've.

had a lifetime of being separated from. your emotion? Just so we can start with. a little bit of compassion because you. know this is an area that I think is. really important for women to understand. too. >> Yeah. Yeah, it is. And it's also. important that women understand that men. are not women's problems to solve. >> We'll come back to that. >> Yeah, that's a it's a whole another. thing. Um, you know, I I believe that. underneath everything is a sense of.

fear. And it's a sense of fear that. doesn't have the faculties or like the. the momentum, the understanding, the. touch points, the the amount of the. fingers on it. that fear doesn't have a. place to go and doesn't have a place to. be processed. It doesn't have a safe. place to be expressed. Um, and I. typically say there's two types of men. There are men who are afraid and there. are men who are terrified of being. afraid. >> What's the difference? >> The men who are terrified of being.

afraid put put up a bigger front. That's. where we get the machemo. That's where. we get a lot of red pill content. That's. where we get a lot of men not not. indulging in masculinity or. um not executing masculinity but. performing it. And when you perform. something that's it's not authentic. It's not authentic to who you are. It's. not going to be helpful to the people. around you in the same capacity. It's a. performance. And I I would love if men.

if we just take a step back from. performing and focus on actually being. be the thing. Don't perform it. Be the. thing. But to be the thing is a lot. harder than to perform it. Cuz you could. put up a facade. I can lie to you. I can. act tough like I'm a million feet tall. in this interview and then I go cry in a. car. What is the point of being uh. having all of these social wins and. being some big giant socially, but being. a personal failure? What matters most to. you? Is it how you appear in the world. to everyone else or how you appear to.

yourself in the quiet moments? Cuz. that's who you really are. Can you give the person listening an. assignment for exactly what they should. do when they're done listening to this. episode with a male friend of theirs? >> Let's do it. How about this? Let's do a. heavy lift and a light lift. >> Great. >> Because everybody ain't in the same. place with this different readiness. All. right. So, let's do light lift first. I. want you to pick up the phone and I want. you to call a friend that you have not. talked to in more than two weeks. >> You don't have to have something to talk.

about. There might be some weirdness. because you feel like you have to have a. meeting agenda. I want you to call them. I don't want you to talk about business. I don't want you to talk about work. I. want you to just talk about yourselves. It could be a threeminute phone call, but I want you to pick up the phone and. just tap in. And if you need a a. template for something to say, >> yes, I do. [laughter]. >> Tell me what to say here. >> I got you. >> Cuz I've not called somebody in two. years. I keep texting people. >> Hey, no problem. And and that's one of. the points. That's why I feel so empty. because we need those real life touch.

points. Hey bro, I haven't heard you. I. haven't heard your voice in a while or I. haven't I haven't heard from you in a. minute, man. I was just thinking about. you, bro. Just calling to check up. How. you been? And they may hit you with. something. Oh man, men love to hit you. with the I I can't complain. >> Push it a little bit. What do I say? Instead of saying when they say you. can't complain, what's been going on. good in your life? What's good in your. life right now? What are you excited. about? What's coming up next for you? And then that's how you start the. conversation. and you share a little bit. about yourself that bro, you can get the. hell off the phone [laughter] if you're. not comfortable. That's the light lift.

Call somebody and check in on them. Heavier lift, schedule breakfast with. one of your bros. Go out to breakfast or. go out. >> Why breakfast? >> Because. one of the problems with therapy is it's. not really oriented the way that men. externalize and talk about their. problems. Men don't even have. face-toface conversations. We prefer. shoulder-to-shoulder. In a lot of my. therapy sessions, we toss the football. back and forth because it's easy to do. something. It's easier to talk about. something that's hard when you're doing. something that's easy and physical. We. toss the football back and forth. We.

toss the ball back and forth. We may. play Connect four. The my female. clients, oh, we can just go sit down and. boom, we're off to the races. We're. having a great session. With men, it's a. lot harder to kind of get that get that. uh pump primed. though. Um, breakfast is. talking over food takes away a lot of. the angst and awkwardness of having a. face to face conversation. It also. allows you to share space without words. >> Some people feel awkward when it pauses. in the conversation. But when you.

stuffing your face full of cheese fries, it takes away the awkwardness. It's. giving yourself a lower barrier to. entry. It's it's bringing that branch. down to pick the fruit off. It's making. it easy. Lowhanging fruit. Go out to. breakfast. I wanted to ask you about. something you you said just a couple. minutes ago. Men are not women's problem. to solve. >> Mhm. >> Let's unpack that. >> All right. >> Because when you talk about holding you. close, holding you accountable, >> I think we tend to fall to the.

accountable side and solving lots of. problems for you, whether it's your. weight or it's your motivation or it's. your drinking or it's your tone of voice. or it's your anger. So, as a therapist here, what do you. want us to know about what we're doing. wrong in our relationships with men and. what we can start doing right? >> You cannot want something for someone. more than they want it for themselves. If you do, when the novelty or the.

newness or the excitement of this change. wears off, you will be stuck holding all. the baggage. And in our society, and. this is something I didn't know about. women until I became a therapist and. started having a lot of female clients. In our society, women are praised and. rewarded for overfunctioning. >> What does that mean? >> Overfunctioning is when you do way more. than what's necessary in order to meet. the goal. And we will clap women out of. the building for overfunctioning to. their own detriment.

And a lot of times we don't we don't. have a mechanism says, "Hey, I'm going. to take some of this off of you because. it's too much." And you get good at the. things you practice. When you are a. woman in especially in Western. civilization, if you are a woman who's. practicing, taking on too much, taking. on too much, taking on too much, your. button that tells you, "Hey, your bucket. is not only full, but it's overflowing. and flooding your apartment." That. button gets broken. So now you are a. person holding everybody else's stuff.

>> and a romantic relationship doesn't work. when you are taking an inordinate or an. unfair amount of the stuff putting it on. your back. It's supposed to be equity. there. You all are supposed to take and. give from each other. But when you make. [snorts] it your responsibility to take. take take and then you don't have that. mechanism that says, "Hey, I'm going to. give you a little bit of this cuz it's. too much." or you don't have a partner. that you trust to accept the thing that. you're going to give them that's too. much. It bogs you down. >> You know, it makes me think about the.

fact that a lot of people don't feel. good about themselves. >> unless somebody else is approving of. everything that they're doing, right? >> How do you get out of that trap? >> Oh my goodness. You have to really value. what you think about yourself. You have. to really value what you think about. yourself more than what other people. think about you, which is tough because. society isn't really built that way. Society, we we there's nothing wrong. with caring what other people think. There's nothing wrong with that. That in.

and of itself is not a problem. But when. you care what other people think to the. elimination of being cognizant, aware. of, and deeply caring of what you think. and how you present and what you want, then it becomes an issue because other. people's opinions begin to override. yours. And one of the ways that you do. that is, a lot of people aren't going to. like this. You have to spend time with. yourself by yourself. >> You're right. I don't like that. [laughter]. >> I told you you weren't going to like it. I told you you have to spend time with. yourself by yourself.

>> So, give us an assignment. Like if. somebody recognizes they're always. looking outside themselves for approval. They're always looking to other people's. opinions. They're always thinking about. what other people might be thinking. Kind of you're checking outside instead. of checking inside. And you recognize I. don't really approve of myself. I'm not. proud of myself. How do you begin this? What are you doing when you're spending. time alone? >> You have to you have to practice being. the person that you say you are. >> You break that down for me. >> You have you have to practice being the.

person you say you are. If you believe. yourself to be a kind and caring person, what are you doing on the weekends? Go. do go to a soup kitchen and donate your. time. Go to a clothing drive and donate. your time. Give yourself to community. more to reaffirm and reinforce that you. are the person that you say you are. If. you say you're a helpful person, go be. helpful to someone. Who in your family. needs assistance? I just helped my. cousin who's 70ome years old clean out. her garage because I realized I wasn't. spending enough time engaging with. family. And it reinforced the idea that.

I am a person who's centered on family. If you are a person who says I want to. read more books, sit your ass down and. read a book. Like you you have to do the. things we think that proving it is only. for other people. No, you got to prove. it to yourself too. How can you prove to. yourself that you are the person that. you a want to be and b the person that. you say you are? But you got to take. those small steps. Be undistracted. That's another one. When's the last time. that you weren't on your cell phone?

When's the last time that you took a. flight and you didn't use your cell. phone or headphones or distracted. yourself with some type of media and you. just allowed your thoughts to exist? What do you do in the morning? Do you. wake up and just sit in silence? When's. the last time you didn't feel the need. to fill space with words? How are you. giving yourself an opportunity to even. hear yourself think undistracted? That's. how we get to know ourselves better. That's how we make sure that we are in. tune with a version of ourselves that's. updated software, not the shadow of who.

we were 10 or 15 years ago. >> I love that simple sentence that you. said. You think you're proving who you. are to everyone else. >> and we forget that you got to prove it. to yourself. It's like when nobody's. there. >> the things that you Yeah. You're there. and the things that you're doing first. thing in the morning when no one's. watching, that's actually who you are. >> Absolutely. And you got to believe. yourself. If if you don't give yourself. enough evidence to believe the things. that are going on in your mind, it's. just it's is well-dressed wishful.

thinking. You know, I think one thing. that's really like. revolutionary, at least it was to me, is, you know, when I was in my 40s, I. was miserable. For a lot of my life, I. was miserable. >> Talk about it. >> Oh my god. I talk about it a lot. But. for my 40s in particular, we were. struggling financially. I was such a. jealous I was not the kind of. person that you wanted to be friends. with because. >> I was the kind of friend that I was. happy for you. >> if I was doing better than you. >> Yeah. >> But the second that you were doing good,

I now feel bad. And you don't want to be. friends with somebody who does not like. themselves because they end up hating on. you. >> Oh, for sure. >> Right. And so I just remember constantly. being burned up inside. when I saw somebody winning, you know, getting to build the new kitchen while. I've got leans on my house, you know, being able to take their kids on. vacation or joining the fancy club and, you know, I'm I'm struggling to just pay.

the freaking bills and put gas in the. tank. And it just. >> it just was like. and I remember thinking at one point I. don't want to spend the rest of my life. as this version of myself. I want to be. somebody that is confident. I want to be. somebody that can celebrate somebody. else's success authentically. >> for sure. >> without it like making it mean something.

horrible about me. I want to stop. stewing in place and start doing the. things that I know I'm capable of doing. I would love to hear you speak to that. concept that there is a version of you. right now that is taking you in a. certain direction and you don't have to. spend the rest of your life as this. version of yourself. Yeah, it's Well, first things first, I think that's a. brave thing to admit. Um that you could.

sit and be present with who you were in. the moment and not like that version of. yourself. Self self- loveve and self. honesty are two things that I talk about. a lot and I think you need that in order. to make the change. There's two versions. of us. There's this ideal self, which is. who we ultimately want to be, and then. there's this actual self, which is like. it's it's who we are. If you can get. closer to accepting who you actually.

are, and learning that the person who. you ideally would like to be is just a. fictitious character in your mind that. you don't have to aspire to, I think. that's a great way to start to pull some. self-honesty. If you can see yourself. reacting to something that's not the way. that you would like to ideally, I think. stopping and saying it out loud. You. know what? I don't like the way I. reacted to that. And choosing to move in. a different direction. I think that's. doing some of the pre-work. I like to. ask people that I know, love, and trust.

What do you see when you see me? What do. you see? How do I usually react to this. thing? And I listen to them and it does. not feel good cuz sometimes they keep it. a little too real. Sometimes it burns. But it's valuable information because I. wouldn't be able to see that by myself. >> You've been very open about uh your. diagnosis of depression. >> Yeah. >> What does progress look like when you're. depressed or when you're feeling. anxious? >> It doesn't look the way you expect it.

to. I'll tell you that you have to. shrink your expectations in the moment. Anxiety is a beast because anxious. feelings with anxiety and depression. usually where there's smoke there's. fire. Where there's one, there's usually. the other. That's just how it goes or. there's typically the other. So with. anxiety, you have to understand that it. attaches a narrative to your thoughts. It's your brain trying to predict what's. happening next without enough. information. So it makes you feel. terrible and it's a constant it it. compromises the way that you feel. And.

depression is a mood disorder. it it's. going to distort the way that you're. oriented to your own feelings, oriented. to the world around you. So, you're a. little compromised in a moment. You're. not bad. You're not broken. You're just. a little compromised. And when you're. not working at 100% efficiency, it's. hard to have the goal to complete 100%. efficient task. So, you got to shrink. your expectations to meet the moment. >> Okay? >> We live in a society where thriving is. typically the goal. The goal is to. thrive. You're supposed to get out here. and be the best that you can be. Uh but.

with anxiety and depression, sometimes. the goal isn't to thrive. It's to. survive the moment. A lot of times in. session, people think of of doing well. is getting on a scale of 1 to 10, from a. two to a five, from a five to a eight, from a eight to a 10. That's amazing. With depression and anxiety, sometimes. we're trying to get back to zero. And a. win when you have depression, sometimes. it's getting from a negative five to a. negative four. That's a win cuz we're. trying to get back to zero. We're trying. to get back to baseline. Sometimes with.

depression and anxiety, a win is when. you go from -5 and you slide to -6. A. win is being able to not slide down to8. You understand what I'm saying? >> I understand what you're saying. >> It's stopping the slide. It's it's it's. a very difficult way to live your life. when you have an idealistic. I you have a very ide idealistic. viewpoint of what it is that you're. supposed to do and what it is that. you're supposed to accomplish. You just.

have to survive the moment. Let's. survive the moment. Once we get past. this, is this the best we can do? What's. possible for us today? Can we get some. sunlight today? Can we get some food in. our system? Do we feel like being a part. of community, calling a friend and. having somebody sit with us? Do we need. a little bit of solitude right now? Cuz. solitude is not isolation. And sometimes. solitude is medicine. Are we ashamed of. the way that we appear? We don't want. people to see us. Do we need to feel. love? Do we need to feel understood? That's step one. Step two is how do we.

go about getting that? Do we have the. energy to get it? Not tomorrow. Let's. not worry about tomorrow. Right now, can. we survive the moment right now? Can we. get that for ourselves? That's a win. shrink the expectations in order to meet. the moment. >> For somebody that is either in the slide. >> or they have somebody that they love who. is sliding, do you have specific. recommendations for what you could do. first or just small things? cuz you. mentioned getting outside, taking a.

shower, like what are a couple things. that someone can hang on to specifically. that as a therapist. these tend to just even in the moment. stop somebody from sliding further? >> A number one, get yourself connected. with a licensed mental health. professional. A number one. a number one. just so you can have another person in. the room who sees what you're going. through. They have a history of dealing.

with these things. They can see your. symptoms and they can give you a. realistic treatment plan on what to do. to start to climb out of this thing. They can also give you a realistic idea. of where you are in the process and more. importantly where you can go. Um and and. also tell you what you need. For some. people, I I know a lot of people don't. approve or they feel a certain way about. medicine or getting medicated. Meds. exist for a reason. And for some people, you got to take your meds, big dog. Like, that's why you feel that way. You. got to take your meds, big dog. For some.

people, it's different. For some folks, it's [snorts]. a a mix of doing I can tell you what I. do in addition to my therapist. Oh, yeah. Man, I've been deploying so many. strategies. Yo, I go fishing with my. friends. I spend time with my wife, who. is somebody that I just so happen to. like tremendously. I spend one-on-one. time with her. Um, I try to clear my. calendar. I try to do nothing. I think. that we're always so busy doing stuff. We're not human beings anymore. We're. not being anything. We're human doing. We're doing everything. Um, I try to.

clear my calendar. I try to read books. that I actually enjoy. Um, I like to eat. by myself. >> I love to eat by myself and just let my. thoughts wander. I get some sunlight. first thing in the morning. I've been. going to bed on purpose, Mel Robbins, [laughter] instead of falling asleep on. the couch. >> Okay, hold on. That's a big distinction. >> Yeah, going to bed on purpose. I'm. preparing for bed, winding my body down, and I'm trying to keep the same window. of a bedtime every night. I try to go to.

bed like 9:30, 10 sometimes. Have you. done that before? All I'm gonna say is. the happier and more successful I have. become, the it's directly tied to how. early I go to bed. >> Going to bed early is like the it's it's. the key to successful adulthood. Go to. bed early and try to just improve your. sleep hygiene by trying to make it um. the same time every night. when you get. into those periods because my husband. struggles with depression too. >> and you're in that moment where the.

depression and the mood disorder just. it's like the heaviness and the greyness. and the doom and gloom. Is there. something that you say to yourself here. to help you either lift your head up a. little and know that this too shall pass. to know that this is a it's just a stop? It's not the destination like is there. something that you say to yourself to. give yourself hope?

>> Yeah. Yeah. I localize it. >> What do you say? >> I say I have to call it by name. Okay. >> Say ah the depression is kicking in. I'm. feeling depressed right now. >> I won't always. I haven't always, but in. this moment, this is what it is. And. when I call it by name and I tell like. depression, you can't hide from me, bro. I know it's you. I see you right there. You're looking at me, I'm looking at. you. You're looking at me, I'm looking. at you. I know you're there. I've dealt. with you before and I know you won't. always be here. So, I'm going to do what. I need to do to survive the moment.

because when you pass, I still have to. be a husband. I still have to be a. father. I still have to run my business. I still have to be all the things in the. world to everyone, including myself. Those are my responsibilities and I wear. them proudly. But right now, I need to. make sure that the venom doesn't spread. >> You know, depression sometimes is the. rattlesnake bite that hits you in the. arm. And what [snorts] I do is I just. try to tie it off at the elbow cuz the. arm is as infected as it's going to get. It's not going to spread from my arm to. my chest to my heart and throughout my. body. And I stop the spread of the.

negative feelings or the negative. forecasting or by just being keenly. aware that my mood is compromised. and some of it is out of my control. All. right, cool. Then what can I control? >> You know, for somebody who's listening. right now who has never even considered. that maybe what they're experiencing in. life is depression. As a therapist here, are there just kind of a list of. symptoms or experiences that.

you want the person listening to know? Well, these could be signs that this is. more than the challenges of life. This. is more than just you're in a bad mood. or going through a bad period. This is. more than and that you deserve to get. some support. >> Yeah. Yeah. There there are there about. don't make me lie. I think there are 10. to 12 symptoms that we look for and I. think you got to hit about five or six. of them and they can't be attributed to. anything else. So I know off the top of.

my head one of them is when you lose. interest in things that typically. brought you joy or bought you some sense. of satisfaction. >> Um when you just genuinely lose interest. in them just for for a reason that you. can't quite put your finger on. Uh, one. of it is when it affects your your mood. affects your either your relationships, your ability to take care of yourself, whether you going to work every day, how. you feel about the work that you do, whether you just whether you're starting. to withdraw from other people, which is.

tricky because sometimes you withdraw, sometimes you feel bad about your job, but it's not necessarily depression. This is why you have to get diagnosed by. a licensed clinical professional because. they'll be able to ask the questions and. we give people an inventory sometimes. before you walk in that measures your. likelihood of having depression. We look. at sleep, how you're getting sleep, whether you have insomnia or hyperomnia, which is you can't stay awake or you. can't stay asleep. Uh sometimes we look. at weight gain, weight gain that can't.

be attributed to anything else and it. hits everybody a different way. I can. say you lose. interest in the things that you once. found really exciting or I can say you. have what you experience some type of. weight gain or sleeplessness. You can. have depression and none of that stuff. happens to you. You have high. functioning depression where the way you. present out in the world. You can come. in every day. You can do your stuff. You. can be everything you need to be. You. can laugh. Yeah. See you tomorrow, Tina. You can you could just be your normal. You could perform your daily routines.

and in your private moments. you start. to deconstruct slowly. So, um you can. listen to the symptoms that I'm giving. you. Yeah. But if if there's something. in your life that feels like it needs to. change and your mood has been. compromised and it's been going on for a. period of time, let's say it's been two. weeks consistently, let's say it's been. two months consistently or it's. reoccurring. When these things keep. happening and despite what you try to. do, you can't get out of that rut. I. want you to understand if you could, you.

would have already. That's not an. indictment on your capabilities. That's. a snapshot of where you may be in the. moment. And that is a signal that you. may need some more help. >> I love that. I love that. If someone's. listening right now and they're just. overwhelmed by life, >> what is the first. >> You mean all of us? >> All of us. Yes. Well, what is like if. you're in that moment though, what is. one thing you could do in 60 seconds. >> to support yourself? I think the first. thing that you need to do is you need to.

pause. Just pause. I know overwhelm. creates this profound sense of urgency, but when everything is urgent, nothing. is urgent. So, let's pause just for a. moment. Let's just pause. First, pause. Second, I want you to call. it out by name because that's an. uncomfortable truth that I talk about. I'm overwhelmed. We're afraid to admit. it because we think it speaks to our. incapability. Not necessarily true. Just.

speaks to your circumstances. So you. pause. You name it. Call it out. Call it. what it is. Let it exist outside of just. your mind. I'm overwhelmed right now. Localize it. I'm overwhelmed in this. moment. Then I need you to understand. the third thing I need you to understand. that you don't have to fix it right now. You don't have to fix it all. Overwhelm. is really profound because often times. when we're overwhelmed, it's not because. just because we did something wrong or.

because we missed a step. Sometimes. overwhelm is a failure of systems that. are supposed to be designed to hold you. up. And you can't fix systems in a. moment's notice. So you don't you don't. have to fix it all. You don't have to. have all the answers. You just need to. slow it down. Um, I told y'all I was. going to say another football reference, but it makes it makes me think about. this running back. His name was Brandon. Jacobs. He used to run for the New York. Giants back in the day. Mel, this dude.

was like he was 6'4. He had a neck the. size of a torso and he was 264 lb. Most. running backs are like 210. This man was. 264 lb. That's not a person. That's a. wrecking ball with arms and legs and a. consciousness. and his job is to run. through your face and astrop project. your soul into oblivion. That man was. terrifying and he was a running back. And I remember a coach was asked one.

time, "How do you stop Brandon Jacobs? How do you how do you stop him?" And the. coach laughed, "You don't stop Brandon. Jacobs. You slow him down enough for the. defense to catch his breath.". You don't always stop overwhelm when. you're already in it. You slow it down. enough for you to catch your breath. And. once you catch your breath, you can gain. that consciousness and awareness that we. talked about at the very top of this. episode. And then you can try to figure. out what it is that you can do about it. How you can offload some of the things. you're dealing with. What systems you.

can probably set in place in the future. to make sure this doesn't happen. Who do. you need help from? What skills do you. need to build? What part of this thing. is overwhelming you? Because it could. clump it all into one ball. Parenthood. is crazy overwhelming for me. But it's. not always parenthood. Sometimes it's. just the constant emails from the. school. >> So, it's a it's being able to dissect it. and figure out what part of this is. affecting me most, but just slow it. down. You don't have to fix it. >> You know what I love? And I want to. highlight this because I want to make.

sure you take it away as you're. listening cuz overwhelm is one of those. words like stressed that we throw around. a lot. >> And when you just said, "Hold on. Overwhelm in those moments, hit the. pause." And now let's separate the. circumstances that you're in that are. flooding you. >> Oh yeah. >> From your capacity and your capability. of handling it. And I also appreciated you saying and. you typically don't need to handle it.

right now. >> Mm- It feels urgent. It feels like you. do. >> Yes. >> And you can try, but overwhelm comes. from more profound circumstances than. just a misstep or you overlooking. something. It's you juggling more than. your bandwidth will allow. So you have. to develop a a methodology, some type of. system, some type of game plan that you. can't you can't do that in this very. moment. You got to handle business. You. don't have the time. You don't have the. time in the moment. And though your. brain may want you to do that, it. doesn't mean that's within the realm of.

your capabilities. I would love to have. you speak directly to the person who's. listening. >> and really think about all of the wisdom. and tools and stories and perspective. that you have poured into us today. If. there's one action, let's simplify this. that the person takes after this episode. is over, what do you think the most. important thing to do right after this. is? Hm.

I think the most important thing that. you can do after listening to this. conversation, first off, thank you for. listening. Thanks for your awareness. That means a lot. A lot of us don't have. time. We're still in time. So, I. appreciate you. I think the most. important thing that you can do is ask. yourself the uncomfortable question. I. think it's easy to soft like soft lob a. question that you can knock out of the. park or put yourself in a place where. you don't have to feel discomfort which. I completely understand but I don't. think that serves you very well and I.

think you know that that doesn't serve. you very well. I used to conduct. interviews and we used to ask people all. the time what's what's your biggest. weakness and they would lollipop it and. they say oh my biggest weakness is that. I care too much or I work too hard. That's bull. Stop that. Stop that. That's the comfortable thing to say. But. exploration isn't comfortable and. transformation isn't comfortable. And. while comfort feels good, it comes at a. price. And my question to you is with.

the comfort with the with the price that. comes with the comfort that you get from. not asking yourself the hard question. from not facing the hard uncomfortable. truth. Are you willing to pay that. price? Not just today, but are you willing to. pay that price for the rest of your. life? You are not some type of passenger. to your life. You are not in the back. seat. You in the driver's seat. and you can take your hands and put them. at 10 and two and you can control this. vehicle and drive it to where you want. to go. But you have to have the.

awareness. You have to have the. emotional fitness and you have to have. the tools. You can do it, but under. those circumstances. Kier Gaines, what are your parting. words? >> Oh, what do we have here? I have learned over time, Mel Robbins, that. the internet is full of we get all a lot. of our advice from the internet. The. internet is full of people who want to.

tell you the thing that makes you feel. good. And often times they'll tell you. things like, "Oh, goodness is just going. to happen to you. success is going to. happen to you if you believe enough. Um, you know, all your goals, you can. accomplish them. It's going to just. happen. It's going to fall in your lap. I wish that was true. It's not. It's not going to happen for. you if you don't consciously walk toward. it. And the life that you want to live, the person that you want to be, um, that.

journey doesn't start when it's. convenient. That journey don't even. start when you're ready. That journey starts when you do. And you have to get it started. There. will never be a perfect moment. There's. only the moment that we have in front of. us right now. So, take advantage of that. moment and just start. >> Well, I've learned cure gains. >> What' you learn? >> I learned what it looks like when. somebody's walking in their purpose.

>> Is that me? You talking about me? >> That is you. >> Yeah. You know, it was hard for me to. accept it about 2 or 3 years ago. Um, I'm starting to feel it now. I feel it. now. I accept that. >> Well, you know what my favorite. definition of purpose is? It's not what. you do. Purpose is what happens in. others when you do what you do. >> I definitely feel that. I definitely. feel that every day. That's really. meaningful. So, thank you for that. That's an offering that isn't light. I.

take that very seriously and I really. appreciate it sincerely. Well, thank. you. Thank you. I want to see you uh. soar. I do. Like, I can feel the. positive ripple. just coming from the vibration of this. conversation out into the world. And. it's, you know, the the thing is is that. this will be around forever as a. resource to people. And it'll just keep. circling around and around and around. And. >> I'm so excited for that. So, thank you. for hopping on a plane. Thank you for.

being here. for you anytime. >> Yes. All right. Well, this is just the. beginning. I have a feeling. Um, thank. you. >> Thank you. >> And I also want to thank you. Thank you. for taking the time to listen to. something that will truly change your. life. Like I I feel like there are those. conversations that you have, you never. know when it's going to hit, but when it. does, it's like the page of a book where.

you flip one page and the chapter ended. and now you're staring at a brand new. one. And one of the things that Kier. said to you is that you don't know how. much time you have and that there is no. perfect time. that now is the perfect. moment to get started. And what I'm. really excited about is absolutely. everything he shared with you, he poured. into you, he made you laugh today, he. made you think. I hope what he actually.

did was make you realize that you are. the driver of your life. That you can. create a completely different future. You can feel different. That you are. capable of building emotional fitness. and of becoming the kind of person that. you're proud of. And I know you also got. the tools that you need to start doing. that. And in case no one else tells you. today, I wanted to be sure to tell you. that I love you and I believe in you. And I believe in your ability to create.

a better life. And I can say [music]. that because you now have this episode. to listen to on repeat. And that is a. resource that will help you get started. So go do it. And I want to thank you for. watching all the way to the end. [music]. And the next video you're going to want. to watch is this. You're going to love. it. And I will welcome you in the moment. you hit play.