How To Handle Difficult People & Take Back Your Peace and Power

it is really unsettling to have to deal. with somebody that is a difficult. personality who whenever they get. overwhelmed or upset they're like nobody. ever listens to me. like how do you respond to that you're. going to pose questions for them I never. listen to you I I want to make sure I. understand that I never listen to you is. it that you feel that I never listen to. you or is it that I actually objectively.

never listen holy cow how do you respond. to disrespect a lot of Silence they're. wanting a reaction so if somebody says. something disrespectful you give enough. silence to make sure that it's a little. awkward and then you're going to say. something to the effect of that's below. my standard for a response how do you. handle someone who's gaslighting you. there is one simple phrase that I use. that whoever's listening can use over. and over.

hey it's Mel I am so excited that you're. here it is always such an honor to spend. time with you and to be together and if. you're brand new welcome to the Mel. Robins podcast family I also want to. take a moment and acknowledge you for. taking time to listen to something that. could truly help you live a better life. and I love what you and I are going to. be talking about on today's episode. because we're going to get to spend some. time today with the incredible trial. lawyer Jefferson fiser I wouldn't be. surprised if you you've actually seen.

him online because every single day. millions of people watch the videos that. Jefferson makes from the front seat of. his car in between his court cases and. meetings with his clients Jefferson's. strategies for handling belittlement. gaslighting fake apologies toxic. behavior and difficult conversations are. game changers boom he is so good I'm so. excited so let's get into it Jefferson. fiser I am so thrilled you're back on. the Mel Robins podcast thank you for.

having me and congratulations on your. new book the next conversation argue. Less Talk More thank you very much I'm. uh very proud of it very excited to to. help a lot of people well I can't wait. to dig in to the topic of how you can. communicate effectively and hold on to. your power particularly when you're. dealing with difficult people. challenging situations but before we get. into the tactics can you just talk to. the person listening and if they take.

everything that you're about to teach. them from your new book and they put it. to use in their life what are they going. to. experience they're going to experience a. sense of control in knowing who they are. and who they want to be and by that I. mean they will have a sense of control. they can St their ground in that next. conversation they can handle that. difficult toxic person in their next. conversation and even more so they'll be. able able to navigate who they want to.

be and where they want to go in their. life simply by the words that they say. next what I love about your work and the. reason why I'm so excited about your. book is because it is really. unsettling to have to deal with somebody. that is a difficult. personality and I want to invite you as. you're. listening to the conversation today and. get getting to spend some time learning.

from Jefferson I want you to think about. someone in your life that is really. difficult it might be an ex-spouse and. you had a contentious breakup or divorce. and you have to deal with them because. of the kids maybe it's your mom or your. father-in-law or a brother-in-law maybe. you have a issue with a child or a boss. at work just like tension. frustration grudges like all these. things that can really make the dynamic.

challenging because I know that. everything that you're going to learn. from Jefferson today is going to help. you hold on to your power whenever you. are going to need to deal with this. person and one of the things I'd love. for you to just explain is how did the. experience of being a trial lawyer. really Prime you and your expertise in. being able to deal effectively with. somebody who has a challenging.

personality or is argumentative like how. did that shape you in the way that you. approach this I love that well this is. something you know very well about that. is these difficult personalities when. you talk to them it's often they're only. difficult because they have a a fear an. insecurity a need so instead of seeing. it as a conflict you see it as a bid for. connection they are wanting to feel like. they can be heard that they're important.

what they say is somebody can. acknowledge and care about it versus. always having a poke and pride so when. I'm cross-examining somebody a lot of. these techniques that I use has to do. with one I understand that just because. they say something doesn't mean I have. to swing at it just because they throw a. ball doesn't mean I have to swing you. just let the pitch go by nobody can make. me say anything that I don't want to say. the same way I don't have to respond.

even if they send a Zinger at me so. there's that sense of control of yeah. you can say what you need to say that. doesn't mean I need to say what I want. to say so there's this uh confidence. that you can have from questioning. people in the courtroom another would be. understanding that that conflict that. argument is simply a window into another. person's struggle when I'm representing. a client and you're representing another. client a lot of the time it's a weird. occupation though if you think about it.

you I people hire me to have beef with. somebody I don't have beef with and then. what makes it even harder is they hire. somebody to have beef with me so when. you're arguing with that opposing. attorney he and I or she and I we don't. have any problems really we're just. taking on the problems of somebody else. and you can't arguments aren't something. to to win and especially in the. courtroom you just give the evidence and. the facts a voice.

you advocate for those facts under the. given law so it's very different in that. sense but the same rules apply that the. less you say the more powerful you sound. the more uh confident you express. yourself the more you seem more. confident in yourself so it's these. little tips that I like to give from the. courtroom that um help me understand. that difficult people are just people we. can all be. difficult so the thing that I'm already. taking away is that even viewing someone.

as being super difficult or being. narcissistic in their personality type. or holding grudges or negative or. whatever label you want to put that. right there is already a problem because. you already flipped it on its head and. said this is just a person that wants. attention this is a person who wants to. be understood and they don't feel. understood which is why you're getting. all that negativ ity on the surface and.

so if you number one if I'm listening. and hearing you correctly if you even. just flip your Viewpoint about this. person to hey this is just another human. being who has not the best way of trying. to get themselves understood that right. there already lowers the intensity of. the interaction. mhm yeah it it is that mindset if you go. into it knowing telling and convincing. that this person is difficult well all.

of a sudden you've made it difficult for. you what's to stop you from thinking. this person is somebody I need to make. sure I listen to sometimes the goal is. too high if your goal is they need to. believe everything that I say they need. to do everything that I do you're never. going to get that instead if you can go. into the conversation with a much. smaller goal like I want to make. sure that they understand me I want to. make sure that I understand them I want. to make sure that I listen to them. without inter in I want to make sure.

that I listen to the end of their. sentences that's very rare for people to. listen to the end of somebody's sentence. so you find that often when it's a. difficult conversation you're the one. that's called it difficult you're the. one who's made it difficult from the. outset for yourself you haven't had the. conversation yet now you might know that. person to be tend to have personalities. or behaviors that can be seen. objectively as difficult but often when. you hear that person say you don't. listen to me what they're saying on the.

inside is I want to feel heard I want. you to connect with me I want to be. understood how do you deal with somebody. who's who whenever they get overwhelmed. or upset they're like nobody ever. listens to me. like how do you respond to that if they. come in hot and heavy like that then. nobody ever listens to me well then. you're going to be the opposite of that. mean you're going to pose questions for. them for example that never that's one.

word that's an extreme you're going to. attach I never listen to you I I want to. make sure I understood that I never. listen to you typically they'll draw. back from that because then you use an. extreme they know you have to listen to. them then you go pull it another layer. all. right is it that you feel that I never. listen to you or is it that I actually. objectively never listen you go it again. okay so I you feel like I don't listen.

to that well that's let's talk about it. let's let's keep going that's helpful to. know I'm here I'm listening I like to. change that you you just find ways to go. at it go at it again that was. masterful and I know I'm not the only. one Jefferson who is now going to take. that script and start using it with. people in their life and I I'm thinking. of some one person in particular who. when whenever they get upset that's a.

th% what they say MH and I now know. because I'm learning from. you listen to the end of the. sentence take a beat you also did this. this technique that I noticed where you. lowered when I raised my voice and you. slowed the conversation down by simply. slowing the pace of the the question and.

you're asking the question not like a. jerk like oh so I never listen to you. cuz that's the other thing that people. do right versus. saying I never listen to you yeah it's. powerful stuff if you can anytime when. somebody is going super high yeah. they're yelling you go even slower you. lower your voice because then you're the. one who sounds calm and in control and. they're the one that seems like they're. on the extremes their voice and their.

brain and their ear will hear that and. they'll start to lower it because they. don't like to be out in the extremes so. they'll start to slow themselves down. what I teach um my clients is that the. person that you see is often not the. person you're talking to and what I mean. by that is I've had a client not a. client but a witness that I was deposing. m and he was ugly with me and he was big. big and Brash and didn't like any of the.

questions I was asking him and I asked. him the question so what are you. struggling with today I said let's just. set aside the case what are you. struggling with right now and he went on. to tell me about how he was having a. hard time with his mother she he had. just had to put her in a nursing home. assisted living his father was pass away. his brother was out in the O field and. he was the only one to take care of her. and he was just nervous about it and he.

had been getting letters from. attorneys and so this big guy who's in. front of me even though he was being. ugly to me in that conversation I knew. that the person I saw was not the person. I was talking to you have that when. every conversation you have yeah you see. this person and they look mad and they. look ugly but who's the person you're. talking to it's the person behind the. counter the person who Waits on you the. the the cashier every one of them is a.

chance to have connection with that. person because who you talk to right. then affects how they talk to everybody. else it's a it's a ripple effect it's. how you talk to your kids affects how. they're going to talk to their kids how. you talk to the person who takes your. order if you're rude to them well. they're going to have a harder time. talking to the people that like they. love when they go home so it is a it's a. big circle of life in a way well it's. also what you're pointing to is you have. power oh yeah and we don't we don't. think about it that way we get so.

wrapped up in the stress of our. day-to-day lives that you forget that. your words and your energy has. tremendous power and we give it away to. other people and particularly when. somebody is a negative person or they're. a difficult. personality and you start to. brace and you believe they have more. power because of their bravado or there. whatever or the fact that they're. constantly gaslighting you or. erupting or they pull the silent.

treatment all of these things that are. wildly emotionally immature but feels. like they have more power over you what. you're saying is no no no no no you. always have power and I can tell the. listener right now the kind of power. that they will have what is it so I have. I've had people see one of the ones. recently I had was there was a a wife. who um you emailed me and said I had an.

argument with my husband last night and. I used one of your phrases and that was. to deescalate a conversation or argument. I could have done. better she said without hesitation he. said to me I could have done better too. she said in our 18 years of marriage. he's never said that to me there little. phrases that you can find to deescalate. that that's true power that you can have. in a relationship in terms of the ripple. effect that the true you have a power to.

affect people you will never ever meet. and it's a wild thought but it's true I. had somebody um email me this is. probably two months ago who said I am. somebody who helps with couples foster. homes and these parents were arguing and. I used one of your tips on how to. communicate with them to get them do. stop arguing and agree on something that. will forever change their kids' lives. I'll never meet these kids they'll never.

know me they will probably never know. the the guy who who helped them and. emailed me but it's just little things. of what you say today will truly. change the future of other people you'll. never ever meet uh people who have. autism who can who can now make friends. just by how you say certain things and. how they can communicate it's everything. about you can be compressed into what. you say next and it's a beautiful thing.

what was the phrase. that you are hearing that has someone. with autism communicate better they. weren't sure exactly how to talk to. their friends they were always afraid. that they um they were always left out. of it and so it was this this mindset. that I tell them is you just weren't. supposed to be there and that's okay you. weren't supposed to be there and that. that mindset this this father told me. helped his son understand if he wasn't.

invited just meant he wasn't supposed to. be there and that he found different. ways of going well this is where I need. to be and finding people who wanted to. spend time with him but he was feeling. really hurt that he wasn't getting. invited to that party or that thing and. so it's this mindset of that happens. it's okay you just you weren't meant to. be there you're meant to be somewhere. else and that made them feel that he. could he could U make time for friends. who cared that's beautiful. yeah really beautiful so what was the.

phrase that helped the parents stop. arguing in the foster situation is is. this something we have to agree on so a. tip that I I use is is this something we. have to agree on usually it's not that. stops arguments it doesn't matter what. the topic is if you need to you find. that you're Yan over the small stuff the. little things. that often leads to the biggest.

arguments you get these big arguments. and go what what we even how do this. even start how do we even get here often. you can put all that to rest when you. just even ask is this something we have. to agree on if it is you can ask again. is this something we have to agree on. right now so there's a timing element. too because often people push arguments. on you when you're not ready they'll. push conversation on you when you're not. ready you got five minutes what they. really mean is hey you have about 48. minutes for me to tell you about. something that you have no time for and.

your brain's locked into something else. so it's they often push your own their. own timing on you so part of that. standing up for yourself is Defending. Your Own time perimeter can you give me. like can you give me an example sure so. let's say you and I um are. choosing let's say the the best. detergent okay I don't know that's just. the first thing the kingdom M um so.

let's say you're standing in the aisle. at the grocery store mhm and you grab. detergent and your spouse then questions. the detergent yeah and these are these. little things that become big things and. that's what happens the the biggest. typically your biggest arguments stem. from the smallest little inconvenience. especially if you're married and you're. saying that you're standing there in the. grocery aisle and you say do we have to. agree on this right now exactly is this. something we have to agree on at this.

moment right now and they go no no it's. not that big yeah but in that moment it. just if you're not thinking about it you. start getting worked up and what I love. about it though is it's a very kind way. to cue someone else that they're pushing. an argument on you absolutely what is. the best way to handle the knock knock. knock you got five minutes and you know. that with this person it's 48 M how do.

you respond to that to protect your time. if the automatic feeling within you is. no then the answer is no you don't it's. setting it later I don't right. now can can we schedule this for. tomorrow what's your next week look like. find ways to push it out because what. you'll find is that five minutes they. needed right then that issue gets solved. without you they didn't really need it. they just came to. talk you mentioned that there are a. number of phrases that you teach people. to help you deescalate are there others.

that come to mind other than is this. something we need to agree on right now. there are phrases i' say of to help pull. down. defensiveness because often when I say. something the the the tendency the. default is for somebody to get defensive. and that's that's natural it's your it's. biological it's your body going oh I I. perceive a threat I'm going to send it. right back that's but fight ORF flight.

is in that element the fight is I will. throw hard words at you I want words to. hurt you or if you're running from it. it's I got to get out of here slay the. door I got to hang up finding different. ways to deescalate situations and what I. like to tell them is you tell them uh. what you learned so after listening to. you I I learned that this topic is. important to you or you tell them that. they've been helpful that's helpful to. know simple as that or you tell them. what you agree on using the word agree.

that does not mean you have to agree. with what they. said it just means they just need to. hear that word in other words instead of. focusing on the content of that. conversation it is I agree that this is. something we need to talk about I think. I agree that this is a conversation. worth having boom like that right there. all of a sudden pulls down their. defensiveness they heard the word I. agree they heard that this conversation. is we talking about great they don't. have to continue to push and feel. defensive about it you have to keep.

proving to you on something it goes back. to your earlier point that it's a person. that doesn't feel like they're being. heard exactly huh and if you need to. like shift away from that the uh is this. something we need to agree on I like I. could do better I like maybe so maybe. you're right those are two that I use. often if I ever get an insult maybe or a. rude comment in the litigation world. someone to make some kind of off-hand.

comment um I said well maybe you're. right maybe so who am I to say it's uh. that element of I get to control. entirely what you say is that going to. affect me or not I have entire control. over that you forget that because you. know you the what's what people say it. does have an emotional impact on you you. are going to react but you get to choose. how you respond yeah especially if you.

always pick it up and carry it yes so. when it comes to taking things. personally yes for example a quick tool. for that is what I tell myself is I'll. just say put it down Jefferson when I'm. taking things personally I'm picking up. what nobody has asked me to carry I'm. choosing to carry and before I know it. I'm just I can't even carry it anymore. and to me um how often you take things. personally is a direct reflection of how.

much grace you give other. people oh if you never give somebody the. benefit of the. doubt it's it's heavy it's a heavy. proposition if you never give somebody. the benefit of the doubt instead of just. waiting to see if truly that off-hand. look meant to say something to you we. recognize it as that I thought you were. mad at. me yeah you immediately internalize it. and you have no idea what's actually. going on yeah somebody you passed by. somebody in the hallway and they didn't.

say hello you oh they must be mad at me. no they were just focusing on other. things in their life how do you handle. somebody that kind of belittles you. they're like picking on your weight or. they constantly like are you still. single like you know like people like. especially people that you're close with. have a way of belittling you right what. what do you do in those situations when. somebody's belittling you or giving you. a insult that hurtful comment you make.

them repeat it because what they're. hoping to do in that belittling comment. is get that reaction out of you and. instead you find a way to take all the. fun out of it so when you ask them to. repeat what they said you're not giving. them that hit of dopamine that they were. expecting from your reaction they're not. getting that that response time from you. instead you're delaying that. gratification for them then it's just. not worth it then it's just not fun. and so when you ask them to repeat it to.

say I need you to say that again I'm. thinking of of like using this with a. couple people in my life yeah we need to. role play this sure um I'm trying to. think of a scenario like you just said. right there um you're still. single I need you to repeat that yeah. you so exactly I'm not going to want to. say that again because now that. Spotlight is on me and then also what. you lead up with that is you ask. questions of intent for example did you. say that to hurt.

me and now it's this mirror that they. feel like why did why did I say that oh. okay and then they start to backtrack. then you don't have to say anything but. if often I can just repeat what they. said so if uh somebody says to you uh oh. so you're still. single I need you to say that. again most likely they're not going to. say that again but if they do then you. can even repeat what they said I'm still.

single that's what you asked me and all. of a sudden they realized this isn't fun. they're not going to ask that kind of. thing again wow or you just asked that. question of did you say that to. embarrass me did you say that to offend. me oh no no no no I didn't say that what. I meant was and all of a sudden they're. backing away because they know you're. going to stand your. ground wow this is like very eye. openening because I can see both. situations where I need to use it and I.

can see situations where I probably say. things and I'm thinking particularly to. my adult kids that probably feels. belittling I I can think about like our. our daughter out in Los Angeles and. every time I see her she's wearing a. piece of clothing that I don't recognize. and so I think to myself and often times. I will say is that new and I'm thinking. in my. mind where where do you get the money.

for this you know like that kind of. thing and then she's like yeah I. thrifted it and there's this little tiff. thing but if she were to say to me if. she was to ask you are you trying to. embarrass me like exactly are are you. trying to insinuate something uh are you. trying to say something that you're not. wanting to tell me because you're right. the. question is what I'm saying on the. surface but what I'm actually accusing. her of is not being responsible with her. money it's that mirror yes yeah yes and.

so it takes away the power of their. insult wow when you can take all the fun. out of it you take all the oxygen out of. their room and they realize that they're. not going to be able to control you with. that reaction that they were hoping to. get from you holy cow how do you respond. to disrespect a lot of Silence so often. if you just wait 10. seconds so you're going to add distance. between what they said and how you're. going to resp. respond and that makes it very clear.

because what they're wanting when. somebody's disrespectful is the same way. with belittling they're wanting a. reaction they're saying this to get. something out of you because in that. moment they're feeling something whether. it's a fear an insecurity whatever it is. you're understanding you're not going to. you're not going to deliver on that same. plane that they are you're not going to. be on that same level so somebody says. something disrespectful you give enough. silence to make sure that it's a little. awkward. and then you're going to say something. to the effect of that's.

below my standard for a. response and then all of a sudden they. feel like the the dynamic has been. flipped that's below my standard of. respect something as simple as that all. of a sudden you're now making it clear. that what you just said was beneath me. and I don't respond to things that are. beneath me in that way and so now you're. taking control of it but now you're. leaning into it what they thought was.

meant as a disrespect they're now. understanding that they're in the wrong. place what do you do I I I was with. somebody yesterday who had just visited. their mother and I said to her you know. like how did it go and she said well it. was fine but it's my mother and the. thing that drives me crazy is she is. extremely. disrespectful to anybody that is waiting. on us at a restaurant like so much so.

that the owner came over and said. something to her what do you is there a. way to respond when someone else is. throwing a fit or is being disrespectful. you know what I mean like somebody's. getting testy at the airport or and. they're they're with you it's not a. complete stranger is there something. that you could say to somebody in that. situation depends how your relationship. is with that person I would advise that.

whoever they're disrespecting you don't. join in it and you make it clear that. that is not your behavior so you're. going to be person that is kind to this. person I've had it before my grandfather. came with me to Walmart this is a. terrible time uh he was he was in a bad. mood and he was crotch to everybody we. talk to but I was the one that was thank. you so much for helping us I appreciate. it thank you so much being overly hey I. understand thank you making that eye. contact with this other person this.

other person's not having a good time. and then you have that conversation I. had to have that conversation with my. grandfather and how did you do that I. had to put a boundary uh a very firm. boundary of if this is the way you're. going to talk to people I can't come. with. you if you don't change the tone of. which you're talking to people Papa I. can't I can't I can't come and so it. very was uh what what what am I saying. you're not being respectful to people. yes I am I would not be telling you.

this if you had been respectful to. people and it's just having this this. conversation where they need to it's the. people you love often you have to be. their their biggest mirror of protecting. them also for how other people see them. and so I love my grandfather I want. other people to love him and that means. I also have to make sure that I need to. put I need to prepare him in a loving. way of being very direct this is how. you're talking to people has he changed. he has wow we also just don't go to.

Walmart. so go do you have strategies Jefferson. for dealing with your own emotions when. you're dealing with somebody who's got a. very difficult. personality my breath it is crazy to me. how your body controls what you say like. when you are feeling threatened it's. maybe maybe you say something that. challenges my credibility or I feel. undermined my body says I feel.

threatened about this there is a threat. I need to do something either defend. myself or get out of that situation and. when it turns to the fight I will hold. my breath why because your muscles are. getting tight they're ready to react. your shoulders go tense you feel it in. your ears so that's why if you're not. breathing you will say things that are. louder you all yell because you're. trying to make the threat go. away but if you. breathe well I say a conversational.

Breath You Take that let your breath be. the first word that you say then you're. going to have a lot more control over. what you're going to say next so in. terms of regulating my emotions it is. simply knowing that I can't control. anything that they do or say but I'm the. one that can control everything silence. can never be misquoted so it is often a. lot stronger to say nothing at all than. to send that one little thing that you. think is going to win it because if you. think you can win an argument you don't.

win anything M you just you lose your. credibility You' You've Lost That. connection I mean what have you got now. now it's just a you want awkward silence. between the two of you you still have to. possibly work with this person live with. this person you've now just made it. really awkward for the next a few days. before you make up so you find ways to. always just kind of control your your. breath and your shoulders and shoulders. like like pull them back uh no you're.

putting them down often when you have. your shoulders next to your ears it's. tension makes you cranky well what's. interesting about all your techniques is. it's literally about saying less and. understanding that you can't ever. control what somebody else says thinks. or does or what their emotional reaction. is going to be all of the power is on. your side of the table and using your. breath using distance. using a technique of saying less so they.

have less to work with yeah lowering. your voice deciding what you're going to. respond to and what deserves a response. and what doesn't and who's worth the. time and who isn't what is worth pouring. your energy into and when you start to. own that side of the power you realize. you're actually always in control yes. absolutely the first thing about. standing up for yourself is knowing when. to do it because not everybody's worth.

getting out of your chair for it's that. understanding of I will engage this in. conversation when I believe it is worth. my time and effort into this. conversation you don't have to attend. every argument that you're invited to. and so it is this knowing of I can RSVP. no I can politely decline I don't have. to attend if I don't want to it's um. you've all been we've all been in those. meetings where the person who says. everything in the meeting is often the.

person who knows the least me that's. what I'm realizing it's the person who's. who's least like in the know of what's. happening in the heart of that that. company versus the person who says less. it's often the person who's the most. confident because uh confidence is very. quiet insecurities are very loud there. is one simple phrase that I use that. whoever's listening can use over and. over I see things differently or I.

remember things differently period and. you can say that phrase as often as you. need it somebody wants to come at you. and they're gaslighting and make trying. to challenge uh your truth I remember. things differently period they want to. do it again because you're not going. with them I remember things differently. and in my world people who are trying to. Gaslight are trying to be the laser and. you the cat they're just trying to make. you go certain directions everywhere but.

the. truth to avoid gaslighting you just need. to stand still and stand firm I remember. things. differently period that often will do. everything that they don't want you to. do because it's just not giving them the. power you feel like just because they. dug a hole you have to fill it it's just. just let them dig their own hole let it. Let Them Fall in it let them step into. it to often you have this uh you ever.

been in those arguments where the person. goes wait wait wait wait and they have. to go the whole timeline of everything. no no you said this and then I said this. and then so and so came and remember the. water that came and they spilled that. and they want to go through this entire. timeline when they do that often they. will tweak that timeline to present the. facts most favorable to them expecting. you to to say yes that's exactly what. happened I remember things differently. that you don't have to explain that you. don't need to justify that CU they're. not going to ask you for it because.

you're just not going with. them when somebody says well I guess we. just have to agree to disagree yeah. which always sounds a little. passive is there a response to that or. is that just one of those things that. you let hang in the air I don't like it. uh when somebody says well we can agree. to disagree I open it up say it's okay. to disagree with me you can disagree. it's like you have to give permission. sometimes people feel like they don't. they can't disagree with you so open it.

up to give that permission if you if you. disagree with me I want to know I want. to know now that doesn't mean you have. to come to the same. conclusion often you can talk different. ways of how you're going to disagree. with somebody if I have a different. perspective I tend to lean. differently something that just says. yeah I hear what you're saying I have a. different approach I tend to have. another approach and so it's a matter of. I see your path of getting there I see. my path of getting there as long as.

you're not talking about the other. person of you are X you're so. X it's that whole separating the person. from the. problem I love this because there. there's somebody in my family who just. loves like you know the kind of person. that just loves to poke yeah they love. to just say something controversial they. love to just kind of throw a Zinger of a. opinion out there and it's so offensive. or like that you kind of stop and think.

you don't even believe that right like. you're just looking to get a rise out of. somebody is that the situation where you. would go I just think about things. differently that's certainly one you. could easily say I tend to have another. approach I think differently about that. it's okay to say I don't have an opinion. or if I had an opinion I give. it that's pretty easy of I don't know. enough about that I'm not really sure.

finding ways of just being what I like. to call the wet blanket the wet blanket. the wet like on a fire throw a wet. blanket on the fire cu cu I there are. times where I literally just want to be. like you're a complete idiot and just. and then I think why why are you taking. the bait this is literally like somebody. fishing they're throwing something out. to see if you snatch onto it then you. grab it and next thing you know you're. in the middle of this thing and you're. not even sure why you're even debating. this topic mhm and.

I have a hard time I think being the wet. blanket especially when I think. somebody's an idiot well that's that. goes to your personality there's nothing. wrong with that I mean I don't know like. I feel like maybe more powerful and calm. like you were such a nice kind person. like I can't even imagine going up. against you in trial because it would. burn me up about how kind you are and. how nice you are in the courtroom and. you know and most lawyers are very just. I've had that comment. you have yeah that they didn't they I.

made it difficult because I never gave. them an. enemy so I never gave them somebody did. not like same way for a jury if as long. as the jury likes you they yeah you. you're 90% there Jefferson I think you. actually just shared the secret of life. yeah no seriously don't give someone. else an enemy yeah like if you go and. this isn't about like being somebody. who is soft yeah and it's not about.

letting people trample All Over You It's. actually an incredibly powerful position. to be mindful and protective of your. time and your energy and who is worth. your time and what is worth your energy. and what conversations deserve a. response and which ones deserve silence. I like to call it being in the pocket. what does that well in um I'm a musician. and oh really yeah I I play drums and. for real I play several instruments but. I can't imagine you behind a drum set.

going absolutely in did you ever have. long hair I did yeah I had the whole. like yeah I've been in multiple bands. there was a whole thing um and oh wow. okay now part you this is your point the. person you're talking to is not the. person that they are okay exactly yeah. um. and it's this idea of when you're in the. groove and everybody's bouncing their. head it sounds great you're not lagging. you're not loud and forceful you're not. calling attention to yourself you're. just in the pocket I know I don't have.

to do anything crazy I just stay right. in rhythm with the conversation there is. a strength to being the the Peacekeeper. there is a strength to being the calm. mind that does not mean you can't kick. back and have fun it doesn't mean that. you're just the wet blanket on every. social situation right but when it comes. to difficult people when it comes to. real conflict in your life instead of. choosing to say this is a difficult. person it's just a difficult problem for.

the two of you to discuss and if you can. get their help with it if you can. understand that they're grumpy because. of something that somebody texted them. this morning and they were feeling it. before they even entered the room that. the problem is not you instead of taking. it so personally and just seeing the. problem for what it is you're going to. come away knowing that you have all the. control in that situation and and that's. a really empowering thought well what I. love about what you're saying and this.

is true is that most of us I believe. especially when we are either. uncomfortable or we have to have a. difficult conversation we focus on this. idea that you have to win how do you. deal with a narcissistic personality. style somebody that is always about them. I'm thinking about a number of friends. that are divorced and have a ex that.

they share kids with and you're getting. the long texts and a lot of make wrong. and how do you deal with somebody that. is first of all never going to. change and second you have to figure out. how to navigate communication with them. because of the kids or because you work. for this person there's an initial. mindset you need to have and that is. know when you're in their.

game it's a game of either praise or. provoke if you're not filling them with. praise then they will turn to provoke. and start an argument because it gives. them the same amount of satisfaction. they Delight in your anger as much as. they Delight in your praise it is that. sense of control that they have so know. first when you are on the board and you. are playing their game okay okay so. number one is you don't have to play. that game okay you do that by two adding.

as much distance as you can don't feel. like you need to have this rapid fire. text exchange they text respond the next. day you need to wait most people maybe. they need to be reminded there's not. some kind of stop clock on text. exchanges have you requireed to respond. there's no delay of game you get to. choose when you respond and you're going. to do it when when you're ready I will. respond to you when I've calmed down. I'll respond when I'm ready you find.

ways to distance the emotional reaction. that you could have you also want to. stay neutral and that means you say very. boring. things like I understand noted good to. know got it these short little things. that are going to give them nothing to. feed on because if you think you're. going going to solve all your problems. and giving them that paragraph of a text.

and you think you really just gave them. a h hundred words of pure amazingness. that's going to shut them down and. change your life you're kidding yourself. because what they'll do is just pick out. one word from that paragraph and twist. it and not acknowledge anything that you. said so less is always better when it. comes to communicating with those type. of behaviors and tendencies wow how do. you broach with. somebody who you care about who's like.

in a bad mood or they're really intense. and they're that way a lot because I've. tried to and it feels like poking a. Grizzly like are you are you upset about. something or you know like is there like. why like well I don't think there's a. better way to approach the are you. thinking about something it's this idea. of that whatever they say you need to be. a safe space for because I always want. to be the person that my kids can come. to with problems and if I teach them.

that when you come to me and you're. hurting or you're in a bad mood or. you're grumpy and I don't like that and. I don't accept that and I don't want. that when you're in trouble don't come. to. me they're just you're not a safe space. for that they'll go be real somewhere. else I can be a grumpy I mean I can be. in a bad mood and so often you have to. remember that when you're talking to. somebody that's a spouse or a kid and. they are grumpy and poke that bear they. should they should be in the safest.

space of their life to be able to tell. you the person who loves them how. they're feeling genuinely authentically. if it's somebody who you don't know that. well probably don't want to ask that. question but you might want to say how. are you. feeling but I'd be judge I'd be careful. on. the assuming that they're feeling a. certain way now if we want to tweak this. and say what is somebody sends you. something that's rude like a rude. comment you read an email and it's rude.

the kind of thing that you're like I. can't believe this can you believe that. somebody would send this hey someone. told come here look at this you see what. they read can you believe that um it's. the did you mean did you mean to sound. rude did you mean uh for that to sound. disrespectful the did you mean is always. a great tweak and you can use that as. well did you mean did you mean did you. mean for that to sound so harsh. did you mean to teach us all how to be. better communicators yes I did yeah I.

did but it really does help anytime you. find something that uh we use this a lot. is that did you mean for that to sound. short you get that text you know I do. that even with my dad uh my dad's like. the one-word texter classic yeah so I. have to say did you mean for that to. sound. short there's some people that you just. shouldn't you shouldn't text with or. email just pick them up and call them. there's people you're like they send the. rudest email but when you talk on the. phone they're so pleasant you just know.

that's not their best mode of. communication how is it that you learned. to assume good intent about. people can't believe it there's a a. sense that goes to who you are just your. philosophy on life and I believe that. that most people are are good they want. to do good and there are people in this. world that are are truly hurting. and they came in hurting long before.

they met me and so there are certain. things that I know I could say that. could be a trigger for somebody that I. know nothing about and I don't know why. it's a trigger I don't know their. childhood I don't know that one thing. that they're insecure about you ever. said something and you said something. about their job and all of a sudden it's. like oh well you think your job's better. than mine what you're hearing is just. insecurity it's that's that's what. you're hearing so so you have to find. the way my dad would tell me the issue.

that they're giving you is not the real. issue meaning there's always something. that's lay underneath that and you just. have to be curious enough and patient. enough to find out what are your parting. words I'm going to tell people that when. you the next time you are in a difficult. conversation with people number one I. want you to say what you have to say. with control it means you're going to. control your breath control your volume. control your body and understand you. have to say anything that you don't want. to say two I want them to say and speak.

with confidence means using an assertive. voice that doesn't give over apologies. that mean nothing or say I hate to. bother you when it means nothing at all. and three I want them to say things to. connect in other words say what you mean. and mean what you say if you need to. deliver bad news deliver it if you need. to give a compliment give it and at the. end of the day they need to follow their. heart and be true. Jefferson fiser thank you thank you for.

having me you're freaking awesome thanks. M I want to make sure to tell you that I. love you and I believe in you and I. believe in your ability to create a. better life and what I loved about the. conversation today is you were reminded. of the truth you have the power stop. giving it to other people and to. especially people that are difficult. your power is in your response it's in. your breath it's in what you say and. when you say it and I know that you now.

feel empowered based on everything that. Jefferson just shared with you today so. please go use it and I'll see you in the. next episode and I want to thank you. here on YouTube oh my gosh I love. spending time together with you thank. you for making it all the way to the end. of the episode and if you made it this. far I have a request could you just. click right here and subscribe to the. channel it's free and it really helps me. and I know you're the kind of person. that really wants to help people that.

help you and it lets me know that you're. enjoying the content which I just love. knowing that you're enjoying it so thank. you for doing that and if you loved this. episode with Jefferson fiser on how you. can deal with difficult people you're. really GNA love this episode next where. I'm going to share my number one tool to. create more control and emotional peace. with the people in your life even the. most difficult ones I cannot wait to see. you there.