How to Eliminate Self-Doubt Forever & Build Unshakeable Confidence

Today, you and I are going to learn all. about this four-part [music] framework. that helps you build unshakable. self-confidence. There are four. attributes. We have acceptance, [music]. we have agency, we have autonomy, we. have adaptability. Self-acceptance is. fundamentally accepting [music] that you. are a work in progress. You don't need. other people to validate your worth. You. are worthy just by existing. Agency is. that attribute [music]. that allows you to trust that you can do. the thing. And if you don't know how to do it, you. will learn how to do it. Autonomy is the.

belief that you have a degree [music] of. control over your life. Adaptability is. actually so much more than what we think. [music] it is. Dr. Shade is a behavioral researcher and. best-selling author with [music] a PhD. in organizational behavior. Some studies. have found up to 82% of people have felt. like an impostor at some point. And the. beautiful thing about feeling like an. impostor [music] is it is a sign that. you are growing. You don't realize how. you're keeping yourself stuck when you. complain [music] about the things you. have no control over. Show up for the.

life that you want now. Don't wait for it. Don't wait for. permission. Don't wait till you feel. ready. Don't wait till you feel worthy. If you show up for the person that you. want to be now, your life will. fundamentally change because everything. will feel lighter. Dr. Shade Zahrai, welcome to the Mel. Robbins podcast. Thank you so much for. having me. I am so excited you're here. Thank you for traveling halfway around. the world to be here today. And here's. where I want to start. Your research.

around self-doubt, building confidence, feeling worthy. It is so important. We're going to dig into it. And here's. where I'd like to start. Could you speak directly to the person. who's with us right now? And tell them what might change about. their life. if I take everything to heart that. you're about to teach us today and I. apply it to how I feel about myself? If you actually apply what we're going. to be exploring today, your life will. fundamentally change because everything.

will feel lighter. People don't realize how insidious. self-doubt is. And when you're living. every day and you've got the insecurity. and those negative thoughts and the. self-criticism and the feelings of I'm. not worthy, I'm not good enough, it is a. weight. It makes everything more. difficult. It leads to so much. hesitation and second-guessing and. missed opportunities. If you can learn. to recognize and you see the beauty of. this work is that you don't actually. have to eliminate the doubt. You just. have to strengthen parts of yourself.

that allow you to move through it. And then success becomes easier. Fulfillment in your relationships. becomes easier. Happiness becomes. easier. And this is based on decades. worth of research. So it's so incredibly. important and that's why I'm so excited. to have this conversation with you. Well, I'm excited for you to teach us. some of the frameworks in your. bestselling book, Big Trust. And you. know, in your work, you work with CEOs. of Fortune 500, 150 CEOs in terms of who.

you are coaching, who you are advising. But the journey to doing all this. research began with you having a crisis. in your own confidence and feeling like. you weren't enough. So let's just start. there. How did you begin this? So my journey with self-doubt is really. the driver of why I do what I do because. I have felt the pain over the entire. course of my life. I mean, I'm still. shedding the doubts that I developed. early on. And I think if I really. reflect on where it started, it started.

really early for me. Okay. So I would. have been about three, four, or five. years old. And I am part of this beautifully. supportive family. And every Friday. night we would have dinner at my. grandparents' place. And then after. dinner, there was this family tradition. where the little kids would dance for. everybody. So I would hear Shadi Bayad. Bedakse, which is Shadi is going to. dance for us. And you know, as a young. kid, I loved the attention and they'd. put on the music and it made everyone so. happy. What then happened though is over. the years as this became just this.

regular thing that we did every Friday, I started to feel less comfortable doing. that, being the center of attention as I. became a little bit more self-conscious. about who I was in my body and you know, I was maybe eight, nine, maybe 10. But I saw how happy everyone was when I. was in this position of performing for. them. And I didn't want to let them down. So I. didn't know how to say no. And it was around that age that I. internalized this belief that I am only. of value, I am only worthy when I'm. making other people happy even if I'm.

not happy. Mhm. So for me, that was that. early life experience that instilled. this sense of lack of enough. And then. that just kept becoming a. self-fulfilling prophecy when I was at. university, when I started working in. the legal industry, when I moved into. banking and finance, it followed me into. every meeting, every conversation, every. interaction. I never felt like I was. good enough to be there. But I've also. discovered. over the last five or so years as I've. really deep dived into this, as I was. doing PhD research into this,

almost every single person experiences. self-doubt. It is not uncommon at all. And yet those who are able to truly. succeed, it's not that they eliminate. the doubt, it's that they found a way to. strengthen who they are to move through. it. It brings me to a question, Dr. Shade. What drives self-doubt? Okay, so I have. been fascinated by this question for. over a decade. Even before I did my PhD. research, I was seeing self-doubt in. action in the workplace at every single. level. Because I genuinely believed once.

you become a leader, once you achieve a. certain thing, you don't have. self-doubt. But I actually found that. sometimes those at the more senior. levels, sometimes those who have. achieved a lot, they have even more. self-doubt because they feel like. there's even more opportunity for them. to fall, more reputational damage if. something doesn't go well. So, I thought, what is actually driving. this? And that's when I started looking. into the research. What do the most. esteemed minds have to say about this? And I want to share with you one. particular study which I have never. forgotten from the moment that I came.

across it. It's from the late '70s, early '80s. So, a psychology professor by the name. of Robert Kleck at Dartmouth, he. conducted this fascinating experiment. which really reveals how self-doubt. works and where it comes from. He brought people together and with one. group he drew a scar on their face, on. the right side of their face between. their ear and their mouth. This really noticeable, visible. disfigurement. Yeah. He let them see. themselves in a mirror. Okay. >> So, they can go, "Okay, I have this scar. on my face." And then he sent everyone. out into conversations with strangers.

Now, after the conversations, he then. asked everybody, "How did you feel the. conversation went?". The group without the scar. felt like it was a fine conversation. >> Yeah. The group with the scar reported. feeling judged. They felt like it was. tense. Their conversation partner was. cold. And they felt like they were. treated differently because of that. scar. Now, that in itself would have been a. really interesting experiment on. prejudice and discrimination. Or. perception of. >> Or perception of. Exactly. And that's. where we get to the interesting piece.

Because if I pause right now and I take. you back right before these people were. sent into these conversations. So, they've just seen themselves in the. mirror. Right. Right before they're sent into it, the. researcher said, "Okay, I'm going to. apply some moisturizing cream to the. scar to set it so it doesn't crack.". Okay. What was done though was the scar. was removed entirely. Whoa. There was no. scar. These people went into these. conversations believing they had a scar. >> And they didn't. >> They didn't. And that led them to have. an expectation about how people would.

treat them. Which then led them to pay attention to. things that objectively did not exist. It changed how they showed up. They. created the reality they expected. And. this is called expectation bias. We don't see the world as it is. We see. the world as we expect it to be. Wow. Now, when we think about what that means. for us, when you're thinking about this from. your own perspective, anyone who is. watching or listening, what kind of scars are you carrying.

into every single conversation, every. interaction, every meeting, every. interview, every conversation with your. loved one? How is that affecting how you not only. show up, but what you're interpreting. and noticing that may not even be there? Because until we're aware of these. scars, we don't realize just how much. they're creating the world that we're. living in. Dr. Shade, how do you rewire. these moments of self-doubt? So, I have an analogy that I love to. share to help us understand what we're.

actually rewiring when we're talking. about self-doubt. So, what I have here. is two glasses filled with yellow water. Okay. Now, I want to narrate this. because the majority of you listen, and. I don't want you to miss a thing. So, Dr. Shade is sitting here at the table. for the podcast. She has two. two the brim bright neon yellow glasses. full of yellow water sitting on a tray. And in one hand, you have a ping pong. ball? I have a ping pong ball. >> And on the other hand, she has a bright.

yellow golf ball. Okay. Now, if I were. to take the ping pong ball, And what. does the ping pong ball represent? The. ping pong ball represents self-doubt. In. fact, both balls represent self-doubt. >> do? And what's going to happen in the. cups is it's going to help us understand. different approaches to self-doubt. Okay. All right, great. So, so. self-doubt might be Let's just take one. we can all relate to. We've all had. those mornings where you look in the. mirror and you just go uh. And because you've shared the scar. example, let's just go with this.

perception that how we look. has something to do with our value to. the world. And so the form of self-doubt. that the ping pong ball or the golf ball. might represent is just this belief that. because you look ugly today or your. acne's on fire or maybe what's happening. for me, I constantly notice the jowls. that seem to be forming and I don't like. them. And I feel a little bit of. judgement and weight and I doubt myself. Am I looking older? Are people going to.

judge me for that? And so is that what. these represent? >> Yes. Okay, so we got a ping pong ball. and a golf ball. So if I were to take. the ping pong ball and place it on one. of the glasses of water, what would. happen to it? I I think it would float. cuz a ping pong ball is like, you know, kind of. >> Yeah, light. >> airy airy So if we try that, what's. going. >> she it's just floating there. So this is. this thing that maybe you feel a little. doubt about and it's just kind of. floating on top. What happened to the.

water? The water stayed the same. What. does the water represent? >> The water represents how we see. ourselves, our self-image. Oh. And so. when we're talking about how doubt. should be, cuz the goal again is not to. eliminate the self-critical thoughts. That's too high a standard we're setting. for ourselves. >> we can't, can we? >> do that. That's the function of the. brain doing what it does. The goal is actually to allow the doubts. to exist but essentially to float on top. of who we are. >> And what Dr. Shade is doing right now, she's basically. you know, kind of gently pushing the.

ping pong ball across the top of the. glass and it's floating there like you. might see a little sail toy sailboat. floating at a at a, you know, public. park. Just lightly drifting around. And. so is an example of that, you look at. yourself, you're like, not my best day, but no big deal. >> Oh well. Okay. Exactly. I'll just, you. know, if I don't like the acne, I'll. I'll just put some foundation on. No big. deal. >> Yeah. Focus on what you can control. >> Focus on what I can control. Now what most of us experience though. That's not what I experience. >> No, and that's not what most people.

experience. It's a lot more insidious. than that. And this is. >> you're holding a golf ball. Now I'm. holding the golf ball. Now a golf ball. is, in comparison to the ping pong ball, it's what? Dense, it's heavy, it's got. weight to it. >> Yes. >> And if I were to drop this into this. other cup of water, what would happen? >> It's going to sink. Oh, not only is it sink, like it's water. just splashed everywhere and it sunk to. the bottom. This is what happens when we internalize. self-doubt. We allow it to mean something about who. we are. So rather than just floating on.

the surface, we acknowledge it's there, we make it mean something about who we. are. So instead of the, oh, I feel a little. ugly today. Yes. >> You would say, oh, I feel ugly today. I. am so ugly. I am so unworthy of other. people's time and energy. I'm not. valuable. Everybody's staring at me. I. don't want to speak at work. Everybody's. looking at this thing that I don't like. about myself. And what's so stunning. about the visual, and I want to really. describe this for you as you're. listening, is on the right, you have this like.

dopey little ping pong ball floating. around. Do do do do do do do do do do. do. It's there. You haven't said you can't have the. thought, but it's not sinking into your soul. and dragging you down like an emotional. weighted vest that then impacts every. aspect of your day. The other thing that. I want to point out is that on the left, you know, the heaviness of the. self-judgment, I got some acne, I'm short, my hair.

sucks today, whatever it may be. I got. fired from that job, therefore I am not. worthy of a job. You can see how it's. just sitting there at the bottom of the. glass. And then, even more sad, Dr. Shade, is the spilled yellow water all over the. place because what you get the sense of. is as self-doubt weighs you down, you. lose a bit of yourself. to make room for carrying that doubt.

with you day in and day out. And then what's even more worrying is. even if you go through the process of. working on yourself Okay, now hold on. She's taking her phone. and she is now digging in and spilling. more water out and she is getting the. golf ball out of there, right? She's. getting it out of there, okay? So maybe. our skin has cleared up. Maybe we have a. better hairstyle. Maybe we have moved on. from the job or the breakup and now we. are out there interviewing again. So we.

took care of the thing or so we thought. >> but has that water miraculously refilled. itself to the brim? No. No, there's a. piece missing. And so what self-doubt does is it strips. you of who you truly are Mhm. because. you're internalizing it. You lose a part. of yourself. And even if you do the. work, you enter what's called the void. So now, okay, the golf ball is out and. maybe you are seeing that ping pong ball. floating above. Yep. You're detaching. from it. But then you enter that weird.

middle stage where you actually don't. know who you are without the doubt. because for so long it has driven your. behaviors and your think thinking and. your actions and the way that you show. up in the world. You've been acting to. prove yourself to others or to seek. their validation and suddenly. you don't know what your true instincts. are Mhm. and who you are in the world. And so there's that really interesting. little space where you need to discover. who that is again. But it starts with changing how we see. ourselves. So when we talk about rewire. self-doubt.

it's actually not necessarily about the. doubt at all. It's about strengthening. how we see ourselves by strengthening. these four attributes so that the doubt. is no longer a golf ball, no longer. becomes. internalized, no longer infiltrates how. we see ourselves and instead it's there. Hey, okay, I can see you. I know that. you're that voice up there, but I don't. have to listen to you. I don't have to. believe everything I think. And that's. so incredibly powerful when people both. acknowledge it and then take the steps. to actually get there. And I take it.

that what you're about to teach us not. only helps us. become more buoyant with the day-to-day. self-doubts, but it also is going to help us fill. that void with new capacities with. ourselves that self-doubt stole from us. That's exactly what we're going to be. doing. Let's get this water out of here. Dr. ShaDay, you have this incredible. framework based on research that helps. us break apart self-doubt and build. self-trust and self-confidence. Can you.

explain what this framework is? There. are four attributes. We have acceptance, we have agency, we have autonomy, we. have adaptability. Why is having this. four-part framework helpful to breaking. apart these moments of self-doubt and. helping us build more confidence and. self-trust? Why do we need a framework? It's because we misunderstand self-doubt. as being one blob of worry, insecurity, fear, and anxiety. And that means then if it we think it's. one thing, we think there's one. solution, and that's why so many people.

are disappointed when they tried the. self-help route and they've tried this. book or that approach and it's not. working, and it's because self-doubt. doesn't operate that way. There are. actually four distinct elements, and. once you figure out which one is lacking. in you, which one is weak, then you know. exactly what you need to focus on, and. then you can access the tools and the. frameworks to help you move through and. strengthen that so that everything in. life just becomes so much more freeing. Let's start with acceptance. And so. self-acceptance is fundamentally. accepting that you are a work in. progress. You don't need other people to.

validate your worth. You are worthy just. by existing. Now, that doesn't mean that. you accept that you will never change. It's actually acknowledging that I can. change, I can grow, and be that work in. progress knowing that self-improvement. is possible. So, it's a beautifully liberating state. When you don't accept yourself, that is. when you self-reject. Mhm. >> You self-reject before anyone else can. But, how do you accept yourself if you. don't like yourself? You know what I. mean? Like, you look in like and I'm. just going to stay with. the physical because every one of us has.

the example. And when we start to get into. psychological, I don't like myself. because of X, Y, Z that has happened or. these things that I did, it can get more. complicated and I want all of us to just. stay right here and be listening for. ourselves and listening for the people. in your life who struggle with a lot of. self-doubt. So, if you do look in the. mirror and you're like, "Yeah, and I. don't want to accept that." So, there. are two things that I'd recommend you. do, okay? The first Well, actually.

there's three. The first one is that you. need to acknowledge that until you. accept yourself, nothing will change. If. you are someone who is saying, "I don't. believe it.". >> Yes. >> In that case, what you want to do is use. other strategies and tools Okay. >> that allow you to strengthen the. self-acceptance in other ways that. naturally will help you recognize that. you are valuable in spite of not. believing that initially. Okay, so the. very, very first tool is very simple. We. call it the careless list. What you're going to do is grab a sheet. of paper, Yeah. divide it into two.

columns. On the left, I want you to. write down all the things you want to. care less about. >> Mhm. >> I want to care less about my physical. appearance. I want to care less about. what people in the street think of me. when I walk by. I want to care less. about what my family keeps saying about. my acne or my weight or how I look. Actually, acknowledge it. Give it a. physical outlet. A lot of people don't. actually want to acknowledge their fears. because they're afraid that they'll make. them real. But, I am a proponent and a lot of. evidence suggests that if you can just. make them real, it gives you something. to work with. You're not hiding from it.

So, you write down everything you. actually want to care less about, put it. in the left, and then just reflect on. how you feel when you look at that. I love that. It's simple. So, that's our. careless list. We've identified all the. things that we want to care less about. The next step is, okay, what do I want. to care more about? What do I actually want to shift my. attention to because attention is such a. superpower. If we're not aware of it, we're going to be stuck in patterns that. keep us stuck. But if we can become more. aware of it, be a bit more curious about.

how we're thinking, this is called. metacognition. It's the ability to think. about your thoughts, and it is a. fundamental superpower cuz the moment. you start thinking about your thoughts, you're no longer in your thoughts. So, consciously write down, what do I want. to care more about? Well, I want to care. more about being a value in my life. I. want to care more about having the kind. of courage that allows me to take the. step even if I've got the acne or I look. a certain way. You map them down, and then it's a super. simple practice. You just bring yourself. back to this regularly to remind.

yourself, okay, my attention is going on. to these things, but I really want to. care less about them. How do I actively. shift my attention to what I want to. care more about? When you consciously. take control of your thoughts, you're. re-engaging the prefrontal regions in. your brain. We get more activation, more. blood flow going here, and then it. fundamentally shapes how you're showing. up. So, that's a really, really simple. practice if you're struggling with any. kind of physical element. Well, it's. also really helpful if you're moving.

through something emotional. >> Completely. >> If you have just gotten laid off, your job already was something you cared. about for years. If you no longer have. it, even if it was devastating to lose. the job, don't you want to care less. about that job that's no longer here? And don't you want to care more about. the future you and your future value and. the next chapter of your career? Same. thing with a breakup. You already gave. years or months or however much time and.

energy to the relationship that's over. Don't you want to care less about it? Have it impact you a little bit less? Don't you want to care more about all of. the things that could bring you. happiness, about reinventing yourself, about stepping into this next It's such. a beautiful and simple illustration. because it's true, Dr. Shade. We live in. our heads. >> Mhm. And I love that when you get out of. your head and you put it on paper like. this, it allows you to not be in your. thoughts, but to examine them and direct.

them differently. It's brilliant. Dr. Shade, could you walk us through. just what does life feel like for. somebody who has low self-acceptance? So, we see four really painfully. familiar patterns with people who have. low self-acceptance. The first one is what we call the. pressure to prove. Mhm. So, this is where you feel like. you're not enough, so you have to prove. your worth through achievement, and. setting and achieving the goal, and.

getting the recognition and the title. But, what happens is. you tell yourself, "When I get there, then I will feel like I'm enough." Mhm. And you get there, and it doesn't feel. like you thought it would, and then you. just set the next goal. So, you're. perpetually chasing this feeling of. enoughness, and you're proving yourself, but it's not having the effect that you. want. That's the first, pressure to. prove. The second one is what we call. the likeability trap. So, if you don't accept who you are, you. outsource your worth to how other people.

see you. Mhm. And if they can like you, if they can see you as acceptable, then. maybe you can see yourself as. acceptable. But, then this leads you to sacrifice. yourself. You say yes when you really. mean no. You over-apologize for things. you shouldn't be apologizing for. You. don't speak up in the meeting. You don't. ask for what you deserve. And you end up sacrificing what you want. and need because you're prioritizing. everyone else all the time. And you. don't know who you are. So, that's the. likeability trap. We prioritize being. liked over being true to who we are. And.

I say we because I struggle with. acceptance. I speak from experience. here. Now, the third one is what we refer to. as the shrinking syndrome. So, this is where you see someone, and. you might resonate with this if you're. watching or listening, where. an opportunity comes your way, an. incredible opportunity, but suddenly your brain starts. magnifying all the ways it could go. wrong. The ways you might fall short, the ways. you might fail, the what will other. people think. And so, you know what? It's safer just. to shrink back and make an excuse as to.

why you're not ready or why the timing. is not right. Yeah. You shrink from. those incredible opportunities. And then. the fourth is the Schadenfreude cycle. This is a German term, and it refers to. that feeling that some people get, that. feeling of pleasure when they see other. people struggle, or other people. stumble, or other people fail. And it's ego-driven, and it's because. when they don't accept themselves, they. like to see other people suffer, too. Oh. It's terrible. It's absolutely. terrible. It's more common than you'd.

think. It's why people love gossip. It's. why people love reading headlines that. are tearing other people down. It's very. much a human experience, but it reflects. that someone doesn't fundamentally. accept who they are. >> Oh, I hate that. >> I hate that, too. Wow. It happens. You know, in your book, Big Trust, you. cover 10 different ways that you can. start to build self-acceptance. Can you. just give us a handful of them? Absolutely. I'll share some of the. simplest ones that are really, really. tangible for people. So, what we see.

with anyone who struggles with. acceptance is they will over-apologize. Sorry I'm talking too much. Sorry I'm so. emotional. The simplest thing you can do here, rather than apologizing which is to. highlight some inadequacy and makes you. feel less, yeah, is to shift into. appreciation. So, instead of sorry I'm talking too. much, you would say, "Thank you so much. for listening.". Instead of sorry I'm being really. emotional right now, thank you for. bearing with me. I'm passionate about. this. [clears throat]. And this is the power of the words that. we use when we're engaging with people.

because it not only shapes how we feel, suddenly we're not apologizing for. existing, we're actually acknowledging. the other person. So, we feel better, but it makes the other person feel. better, too. I needed you yesterday as I. was crying over something and then. apologizing to everybody for being. emotional about something that was. stupid. But it's cuz you care. And then. saying to everybody, "And you're. probably judging me that I shouldn't be. stu- So, now I'm making them wrong. When I And it made me feel worse and it. made everybody feel uncomfortable.

And it would have been way better to. just say, "Thank you for bearing with. me. This is just a lot. And I really. appreciate your patience and your. kindness. on this I need a I. As soon as this interview is over, I am. making a phone call and saying that to. somebody because it it I didn't use that. and it's very powerful shift. Because I. can see how stomping on myself and not. accepting my emotions. And then. inadvertently. stomping on everybody sitting there. trying to comfort me.

Wow. Okay, what's another one? >> Simple, powerful. Okay, the next one is. if you struggle with acceptance, you. also tend to say yes before you've even. processed what you Is this resonating. with you, Mel? >> Yes. It's I didn't think I struggled with. self-acceptance so, but I guess I do. >> Well, interestingly, a lot of really. high achievers who have done incredible. things in their life struggle with. self-acceptance. Huh. And it's one of. the things that keeps them pushing, but. it's also one of the things that really. tethers them and is weighty. Yeah. So, if you, like me, like Mel, tend to over.

commit because you're saying yes to. everybody else because you don't want to. let them down, what's really valuable is learning how. to say no. But what you want to do first. is not just an automatic no. You create. a little bit of a delay. So, you can. actually process what they've said. We. know from research that even a few. seconds, a few milliseconds, allows us. to make a better decision when the. pressure is on. So, what does that. actually look like in practice? You. start with thank you for thinking of me, so positive first response. You move. into let me check with my schedule. Let.

me check with my husband or my wife. Let. me confirm I have capacity, and then. step three is I will get back to you by. X time, right? Thanks for thinking of. me, let me check, I'll get back to you. And then you reflect on whether you. actually want to do this thing. Now, then the next part comes, how do. you actually say no if you want to. decline? When we just think about the. saying no, it can feel very selfish if. you are a people pleaser, if you. struggle with approval and acceptance. So, what you want to be thinking about. is, okay, how do I make this not a no,

but a yes to myself? Oh. If I can make. this a yes to myself, I don't have to. say to the other person I'm saying yes. to myself, but it makes the process so. much easier. >> me an example. >> So, an example would be, okay, I don't. want to spend the whole weekend. helping someone move in because I'm. going to say yes to the fact that I need. recovery this weekend. Yes. >> So, then when you go and give the. decline, it's not just a no because I'm. selfish, it's actually again, thank you. for thinking of me, this weekend I'm. focusing on rest and recovery, but let. me know how you go. I'd love to see you. when you're all set up.

>> Right, or this weekend I'm I had plans. to go to the museum, or this weekend I. already had something else going on and. can't help you out. >> So simple. So, that's the second tool. I. want to share it just two more really. quick ones. The third one is a really. counter-intuitive one. If you want to. accept yourself more, go and get a. hobby. Why? >> Because people who struggle with. self-acceptance tend to identify with. their jobs. So, if you're watching or. listening right now and you're you're. resonating with this, you probably. identify with the work that you do. Which means if things are going really. well at work, you feel fantastic. If.

things are not going well, you're going. to feel terrible because you're. internalizing it. Does that resonate? >> I feel called out. I'm just going to say. it right there. Yes, given that I was. crying yesterday morning. >> [laughter]. >> and objectively things are going. amazing. When you do something outside. of your day job, outside of your. business, outside of whatever title. you've attached to yourself, it reminds. you that you are so much more than what. you're doing. in that business, at work. Now, we also. need to acknowledge sometimes this is to. do with your role as a parent. Mhm. You.

might identify so closely with being a. parent if you are a full-time carer. And so getting a hobby gives you that. separation. It activates different parts. of the brain. There was a study with. over 93,000 people in 16 different. countries and they found that people who. have hobbies. accept themselves more. They have higher. self-esteem. So there's that evidence. There's also another super interesting. study of Nobel Prize winning scientists. They found that those Nobel Prize. winning scientists were three times more.

likely than regular scientists to have a. hobby and 22 times more likely to have a. creative hobby. Now, what does that tell. you and why is that important? >> It tells us that well, what these actual. scientists told the researchers, which. then leads into what that tells us, they. said that having those hobbies gave them. something outside of work to make. connections. >> Mhm. It gave them an outlet when they. were having a bad day at work and it. allowed them to realize that their. identity is not just what they're doing. in the lab. They actually can go and. have fun and give themselves permission.

to play and be a beginner. Could you. talk specifically to a person who's. listening right now who may be in a. moment in life where they are a. caregiver for somebody aging or they've. got super young kids at home and they're. stretched so thin? Could you speak directly to why a hobby. right now when it feels like you have no. time is the exact thing you need to make. time for. when it comes to your self-doubt and.

everything that you're doing for. everybody else? Because hobbies are a form of recovery. Mhm. and they remind you that you're. important, too. And when you give. yourself the permission to recover and. go and have fun and play, it allows you. to be a better carer, to be a better. parent, to be a better whatever it is in. your life. You give yourself that. permission, you're honoring the fact. that you accept who you are and that you. need these things. We know, the research. tells us that play is important, hobbies.

are important, and honoring that can be. one of the most powerful things that you. do. Dr. Shade, you also say that to. build more self-acceptance, stop using positive affirmations. This. is a big one. So, we see all the time. online that we should use positive. affirmations. If you don't feel like. you're enough, tell yourself, "I'm. enough." every morning. Yep. Now, that doesn't work if you struggle with. self-acceptance. Research shows us that.

if you struggle with self-acceptance and. self-esteem, using positive affirmations. backfires and makes you feel worse. Why? Because it contradicts how you see. yourself. Mhm. And there's a part of. your brain, your mind that goes, "Nah, you're faking it." and you can become. even more self-critical. Wow. Wow. So, what do we do instead? That's not to say that positive. affirmations. >> cuz if you hate the way you look in the. mirror and you're like, "I look. beautiful. I'm enough. I'm this. I'm. that." and you don't believe any of it, then there is this disconnect. You know.

you're lying to yourself. So, if you. can't say positive things, what does the. research tell us that we should say if. we're struggling with self-doubt and. self-acceptance? To use a self-affirming, growth-oriented. statement instead. >> That's a mouthful. So, what is the. sentence? >> simple, simple terms, it's simply don't. lie to yourself. Just flip it into. something that's growth-minded. For. example, >> Yes. one of the areas that lack of. self-acceptance shows up in is this. belief of I'm boring.

I'm actually boring because people don't. want to be too much for others. And so, that looks like them believing that they. have nothing of value to share, nothing. of meaning to share, and so they tell. themselves, "No, I'm boring." So a. simple way is not, "Oh, I'm the life of. the party. Everyone loves me." That's a. positive affirmation that will backfire. You would say, "Okay, I bring a calming and grounded presence. to my conversations.". You see how you're not trying to one-up. with something positive. You're actually. just sidestepping it and flipping it.

Yep. And that suddenly makes you feel. very, very different. If you feel like you're unlovable, instead of "No, I am lovable," which may. backfire, you would say, "I have certain. qualities that the right people value.". Mhm. So again, it's so simple. It's not. flipping it with something that's almost. toxically positive. Yeah. It's just. shifting into something that is. growth-oriented and anchored in truth, and it doesn't require you to become. someone else, which is the beautiful. thing. Well, it sounds like the test is. do your shoulders drop? Yes. Versus, "I'm lovable." You know, your shoulders.

up, "I don't know. Am I?" Yeah. >> But if you say, "I have qualities that. the right people really love and. appreciate.". Aw, like your shoulders just dropped. because there's truth in it. I love. that. I love that. >> This message is brought to you by Apple. Card. Spring always feels like a reset, clearing things out, simplifying what. you don't need. Apple Card is built with. that same idea in mind. No annual fee, no late fees, and no foreign transaction.

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USA, Salt Lake City branch. Terms and. more at applecard.com. So, let's move on to the second A in the. four-part framework. of rewiring self-doubt and building more. confidence, and that is agency. What is. agency? So, in the context of. self-doubt, agency is that attribute. that allows you to trust that you can do. the thing. And if you don't know how to do it, you. will learn how to do it. And so, if you trust that you can do. that, you're going to take the step.

You're going to say yes. You're going to. persist when things don't go well. because deep down you believe that you. can. Now, when this is weak Yes. >> let's explore what this looks like. So, if this is weak, if you struggle with. your agency, we see a number of patterns. here. The first one is the dreaded imposter. syndrome. where you have achieved things in your. life, amazing things, maybe recognition, maybe awards, maybe an amazing job. title. And yet, you feel like you don't deserve. it. You feel like someone is going to.

highlight that you shouldn't be where. you are. And so, essentially, what it. comes down to is that you believe other. people think you're smarter. or more competent than you really are. Now, a few things about imposter. syndrome. The term imposter syndrome was not the. term that was used initially when it was. discovered. Back in the '70s, '80s, when. it was first observed, they called it. the imposter phenomenon. Now, what's the difference between a. phenomenon? So, a phenomenon is. basically where you observe something in. a population of people.

Right? A syndrome is something that. seems medical and seems pathological and. seems like something is wrong with us. >> A phenomenon seems like something that. can appear occasionally. Yeah. Syndrome. feels like a life sentence. Well said. Okay. And so, we need to. think when we feel like an imposter, it's actually far more common. than you'd expect. In fact, some studies. have found up to 82% of people have felt. like an imposter at some point. Wow. >> And the beautiful thing about feeling.

like an impostor is it is a sign that. you are growing. You are stepping out of your comfort. zone. Cuz anyone who has ever done. anything new will be in a position where. they haven't had all the skills, or they. don't know all the answers, and it's. very easy for them to then feel like I. don't deserve to be here. But you have to honor the fact that you. bring a track record with you, and maybe. we'll talk about a few tools to help. with this a bit later. Yes. So, that's. the first one. The second one we see a. lot of here with anyone who struggles. with agency is social comparison. Oh. >> They're comparing themselves to other.

people, not in a positive way, but in a. you are so far ahead of me and I'm. inadequate, I could never do that. And we see this a lot when people again. are leveling up in their lives, moving up in their careers, achieving. more things in their business. Suddenly, as soon as you take that step to the. next level, you're now comparing. yourself with people at that level, which naturally means that there's more. for you to develop and do and and grow. because they've been there longer than. you. Maybe they are better at certain. things, but if you start fixating on.

that and feeling like I can never do. what they do, you undermine your agency. So, that's the second one. I mean, comparison is natural, but we need to. get better at making sure it's not. filling us with self-doubt. >> Yep. And then the third area here is. where people are just constantly waiting. to feel ready, to feel prepared, so they. procrastinate. by busying themselves with planning and. reading and preparing. And they say, "I. just want to learn a little bit more.". But we know that the more you learn. about something, the more you realize how little you know.

about that thing, and the more doubt you have, and the. less likely you are to take the step. I think this is so fascinating, and I. just want to reflect back two things to. you. So, if you're somebody that. struggles with agency. when it comes to self-doubt, you may. feel impostor syndrome, you may struggle a lot with comparison, and you may also be a big planner. And. one of the things that struck me that. I've never thought about before. is that when you identify and get very.

clear about a goal that you have, whether it's getting in better shape or. it's dressing in a more style-able way. or it is earning more money or it is. changing your career and getting into. real estate or learning how to make. money online, simply identifying a new. goal or a change. means that you have a gap of having to. become more capable in that area. You've. never done this before. And so, what are. the tools other than saying, "I can.

figure this out." or saying, "Hey, comparing myself is part of this. Like. it means that I want this." Like how do. you deal with imposter syndrome in. particular? So, the very first step, let's look at the feeling that you are. fraudulent, that you don't deserve to be. where you are, okay? What you want to. think about is, "Okay, this is actually. super common. This just means I'm. stretching and growing. So, how do I. give myself time?" And a very simple. reframe, because we know how powerful it. is when we're changing the language that. is going on in our heads, is instead of,

"I don't feel like I deserve this." or. "I don't feel like I belong.". immediately shift to. "What an incredible opportunity I have. to learn and grow." Mhm. So simple and. yet so effective, because you're. shifting your attention to everything. you think you lack into, "Cool, I can. fill some gaps. Amazing." Again, you. don't have to lie to yourself, you're. being really pragmatic about that. So, that's the first step. The second one is to. actually talk about it when it comes to. imposter syndrome. So many people have.

experienced it. Just feeling. undeserving. It's so common and when you. speak about it openly, you realize that. everyone is on this same journey and. that sense of collective can be really. helpful. So, in the 1980s. Citicorp was merging with Travelers. Insurance, and they needed a graphic. designer to come up with their new logo. So, they hired the firm, and Paula Scher. was a partner at this firm. She's an. incredible graphic designer. She comes. in, and she's sitting at the boardroom. table with the the decision-makers, and.

they're all talking about what they. wanted for the logo. She grabs a napkin. from the side of the table, and she. starts scribbling on that napkin. A few seconds later, she slides that. napkin across the table, and she says, "Here is your logo.". Now, the room was stunned. People were thinking, "How is it. possible that you designed a logo in. just a matter of seconds?". And she says, "I designed this in a second and 34. years. I designed this with everything that I. have learned. So, yeah, you got it in a.

few seconds, but it took me 34 years to. be able to do that." Mhm. And they ended. up paying her $1.5 million. for that logo. Now, what is the message behind this. that we can take away? So often when we feel like imposters, we. are just looking at the here and now. The spotlight is on this current space. that we're in. And we forget that we have this. incredible track record behind us. In Paula Scher's case, it was 34 years. of work that got her to that point. But. a lot of us will sit there in that. meeting and think, "Oh gosh, I need to.

design something. I don't know if I've. done this before." We fixate on all the. gaps. "I don't deserve to be here.". So, that's a really powerful lesson from. that. Shift the spotlight back to. everything that you have developed over. the course of your life and your career. That reminds you, "Hey, maybe I do have. certain capabilities and skills that. I've earned that allow me this seat at. the table.". >> The third A in this framework around. self-doubt and building confidence is. autonomy. What does autonomy mean, Dr. Shade?

So, in the context of self-doubt, autonomy is the belief that you have a. degree of control over your life. Mhm. You feel personally powerful. Now, that. doesn't mean you can control absolutely. everything, because not everything can. be controlled, but you focus on what you. can and because of that you feel like. you have more control. Now, if you don't have a strong degree. of autonomy, we see a number of common. patterns here. And if you're paying attention, if. you're listening to this, you will. probably be able to identify at least. someone in your life. who is struggling here. We are less able.

to identify in ourselves because part of. low autonomy is not taking ownership. Mhm. So, okay, let's look at these. patterns. The first one is if you. struggle with autonomy, you complain. a lot. You complain about everything wrong in. your life because it's easier to. complain than to do something about it. Because to do something about it. requires you to take ownership. And that is what low autonomy doesn't. allow you to do. So, you complain. Now, people don't realize when they complain. about things, they are reliving the. situation in vivid detail in their.

brain, which is creating deeper, more efficient. neural pathways, which makes complaining. your default. You basically become a. negativity magnet. Cuz you notice more of the things to. complain about. So, we get complaining. is the first pattern. The second one is. blame. People are blaming others, the situation, the traffic, the weather, my husband, my wife, my boyfriend, my. team. There's no personal. accountability. And they will share that. with everybody else. The third one is.

resentment, where again they are resentful to other. people because they feel like everyone. else has an easier life than they do. And that also leads them to play into. this victim mindset, why me? Life is so. difficult for me. And the fourth is Okay, so you know. those people that come to you when they. share with you their objectively. difficult life stories? And the first. time they share it with you, you are so. filled with empathy and compassion for. what they've been through. And then by the time they've shared it.

with you the 20th or 30th time, you. realize they are keeping themselves. stuck by ruminating on it. >> Yes. because it's safer for they feel. safer when they can hold on to a wound. because it reinforces this view of I am. a victim. I am powerless. Look at how. terrible my life has been. And they get. sympathy from that, so it's socially. rewarding. So, this is what we see. So, the next question is, well, what do. we do? Yes. >> If Yes, what do we do? And I want to. take them one at a time because so many. people struggle with each one of these. So, Dr. Shade, what do you do if you are.

constantly overthinking everything? So, if you're constantly overthinking. everything, overthinking is a sign that. you do not feel like you have control. And it's your brain's attempt to try and. manufacture certainty when there is. none. Your brain says to itself, cuz the brain. likes to be really efficient. It wants. to save energy. And so, it's fundamentally lazy. And so, there's this part of it that goes, if I. can anticipate everything that could go. wrong, then I have to expend less energy. when the consequence eventually happens. And this is why we get stuck in those.

loops of everything that could be out of. our control. It's also what reinforces. low acceptance because we start. overthinking, do they like me? What did. that mean? How come they haven't replied. to me? Or agency. What if people find out I. can't do this? What if I mess up there? So, it's all a reflection of low. autonomy. So, when we're overthinking, something. that is terrible advice is to tell. yourself, just stop worrying. Stop. overthinking. And yet you might have. someone in your life that says this to. you, just stop worrying. Bad advice. What we know is much more effective is.

to give your overthinking an outlet. What does that mean? Every time you have a distracting. thought that pops up during the day, a. worry, you're ruminating on something, grab a notebook and a pen and actually. write it down. And then you say to yourself, I'm not. going to worry about you now. I will. worry about you during worry zone. Okay. Okay, so you're parking it somewhere. Got it. Then, at the end of the day, you. want to actually schedule in your. calendar about 10 minutes of worry time. Not too close to bed cuz it might keep. you up. So, a good time is, you know,

around 5:00, 4:00, 5:00, whenever works. You schedule it in your calendar. When. that time comes, you set an alarm for 10. or 15 minutes. You bring out your worry. list, and you allow yourself to worry. Now, this does a few things. It's called. stimulus control for worry, and research. has found This is an incredibly. effective technique. >> It is. >> To It is. >> be honest, it sounds dumb. >> It sounds completely dumb. >> It sounds like, what? >> It sounds completely counterintuitive. But, what happens is when you're not. worrying about something in the moment, the emotions attached to it when it.

initially came up. >> Mhm. are no longer there. And when you're not worrying about it in. the moment, when it comes up in the. moment, it's driven largely by default. areas in the brain. By you know, there's greater activation. in the threat detection centers, in the. fear centers of the brain. And so, naturally, we don't have access. to the front regions, which allows us to. process that rationally. But, when you. review it later, you suddenly Well, it. shrinks the fear to size, and the. research tells us that you can so better. manage your emotional state, and.

actually assess, "Okay, well, are any of. these actually going to happen? And do I have control over any of these. things? Now, the next step is once your. alarm goes off, you actually close it, and you That's it. Like, you're done. with your worries. End of the week, you. reflect. What could I control? What couldn't I. control? And if there's something I can. control, what am I going to do about it? It's a really effective way to deal with. that overthinking. Dr. Shade, what do you want to say to. somebody who's a chronic complainer? You don't realize how you're keeping.

yourself stuck when you complain about. the things you have no control over. It's cathartic. It feels good in the. moment. It's rewarding, but it's. actually keeping you stuck. The moment you find yourself. complaining, the first step is to become. aware of it, which is sometimes the hard. part. The next step is to ask yourself, "Okay, well, I essentially have a few. options here. I can accept the situation. as it is. I can change the situation. I can leave the situation, or I can.

change how I see the situation. They're the only four options I have. So, you pick one, and then acknowledge. that if I keep complaining about this, I'm only going to feel worse. It is not. going to help me. So, what is fantastic. for anyone who tends to complain a lot, you will also hear language of should. Oh, I should have done that. I should do. this. Mel, how do you feel if I were to. say to you, "Oh, you should. so-and-so." What would you How would you. respond to the word of should? How you. should do that?

>> done something wrong. And you might feel a bit resistant, or. you might feel a bit defensive. >> you said, "Mel, you should." I was like, "Now, what did I do?" It's because we. experience something called a reactance, which is this deep internal feeling of. resistance. Don't tell me what to do. We. want to feel like we're in control. >> Uh-huh. When we're saying should to ourselves, when we struggle with autonomy, it makes. us feel terrible. Now, research also shows that the. language of should cuts off divergent. thinking. We don't think as clearly. We. don't think of solutions. We don't think. of options. There is one swap.

Move from should. to could. Okay, what could I do right now? Mhm. You're not committing to anything. It's. really low stakes. And again, I. encourage people to grab a sheet of. paper, divide it into two. On the left, you write down your could. list, all the things that you could do. in the moment. Then, you move into your I will list. Pick one, two, or three things that. you've identified, and actually do them. Actually take the step. This is how you. increase your autonomy. You bring your.

locus of control back inwards, and it's. so incredibly simple, and it gets you. out of the complaining spiral, because. sometimes all you need in that moment is. to feel powerful, and to do something. I. love that. You can catch yourself by. saying, "Oh, there I go saying I should. have done this, making myself wrong, increasing self-doubt." Reframe it to I. could, and then identify something that. you will do. I love that because it's so. simple. So simple. So simple. What if. you're somebody that blames? The world. isn't fair, my boss is a jerk, it's my.

ex that's ruining my life, and you may. have a lot of things going on, but talk. to us about blame and self-doubt. Blame. is. attributing responsibility to everybody. else. And we hear a lot of always and never. from people who are blaming. You always. do that. This never works out for me. It's always them. It's never that. This. is something I struggle with. I have. very like black and white language, and. it's something that I'm working on a lot. because I tend to be like very precise.

Like it's always, or it's never, or it's. this. Not with people, but a lot when. things are happening with work or with. myself. And so this is an area where I. will admit. uh it's not blaming other people. It's. in the way that I talk probably has a. lot of weight and blame to it. >> Ooh. So what's actually really. interesting, and I was going to say this. about you, I think that your doubt. profile, from what you've shared with. me, acceptance is your weak one. Mhm. Autonomy is your absolute strength. Yes. >> Sometimes what happens when autonomy is.

so high and people take so much. responsibility for things, they actually. end up personalizing things that are not. theirs to take. Well, as the CEO of the. company, I think everything's my. responsibility. Perfect example of that. >> Yes, I do. And so you get into always. and never because it's your way of. holding yourself accountable, but. sometimes it's not actually helpful in. terms of how you feel and what you do. >> parents do this, too, that we think. everything is our fault. And take it on the chin like that. So. let's talk about blame and. how you deal with that if you're. somebody that's recognizing it in.

yourself, or you're thinking of somebody. that's a big blamer, and you're about to. send this conversation to them. So the. first thing to think is, okay, let's change the language, the intensity. of the language that we're using. Mhm. So instead of this always happens to me, let's bring that fact-checker back in, right? Is that factual? Does it always. happen to you? Usually, the response. will be. well, no, it's not always. It's It's. maybe some of the time, maybe often, but. it's not always. Okay, what's a more. realistic way of looking at that? Okay,

well, instead of. you always cut me off when we're. speaking. You would say to yourself, I've noticed that there are times when I. do get cut off when I'm speaking. Then. you shift responsibility to you. How can I speak differently to this. person. to reduce that happening? How can I change what I'm saying or how. I'm saying it or when I'm saying it to. reduce the chances that they're going to. be interrupting me? That's your first. thing. So, you take full ownership. The. second stage is, okay, have I made this. person aware of something that they're.

doing? You could go to the person and say, look, I've noticed when we speak, you. either get really excited or you're not. aware of it, but you do cut me off a. lot, and I would like to be part of a. conversation and a relationship or a. friendship where both of us feel valued. in what we say. Were you aware of that? A lot of the time, people are not even. aware of it cuz they're so stuck in. their worlds. So, there are just a few little tools. that you can use. If you're blaming, try. and bring it back to you. Instead of oh, he never takes the trash out. Okay, is there something I could be doing to.

remind him to take the trash out or put. it in a different place so he takes the. trash out? Just bring it back to you. again. That boosts your autonomy. So, the last of the four A's is. adaptability, the ability to kind of go. up and down with the curveballs of life. Why is this important for rewiring. self-doubt and building self-confidence? Because adaptability is actually so much. more than what we think it is, which is. just adapting to life. In the context of. doubt, it's adapting to the emotions. that come with life. Okay. Because.

emotions are generally experienced when. we do something and it doesn't work out. I mean, look, emotions are experienced. all the time, but when it comes to. self-doubt, there's something that we. will have done or we'll be thinking of. doing. and then it doesn't work out and there's. an emotion attached. The disappointment, the that feeling of I'm a failure, I'm. not enough. These have emotional. profiles attached to them. And so when we're deciding whether to do. anything, to take the step, to say yes, to ask them out, we're going through this checklist of.

can I deal with the emotions of this. thing if it doesn't work out? Because. our brain is going through that process. of all the ways that it won't work out. And if we don't believe that we can. handle whatever emotion comes, we will. not take the step. And that's why getting better at. handling and harnessing the emotions. that come. makes everything in life so much easier. Well, that makes perfect sense cuz if. you don't feel like you can handle the. emotions of going in and asking for a.

raise. or having the hard conversation. or putting yourself in a situation where. you're going to try something that makes. you feel anxious or nervous, then you're not going to do it and your. self-doubt is going to increase and. you're going to be stuck in this gap. between what you know you want or what. you know deeply you're capable of, but. you keep blocking your own momentum in. life. And so that makes perfect sense. Is there one thing that if somebody. recognizes that they are stuck in this.

aspect. that they should do today? I'm going to share a super simple. strategy here. It's called the opposite. action strategy. It's so easy. When we. are overcome with some kind of a. negative emotion in relation to a. self-doubt that we have, what usually. happens to our body? We freeze. We like kind of go into like. a nervous reaction. And what usually. happens to shoulders or neck or posture? >> Oh, we kind of shrink and like feel like. we want to hide. Honestly, yes. >> Exactly. And so what the opposite action.

strategy tells us is from dialectical. behavior therapy. It simply says when. there is no physical threat, do the. opposite of what your body's telling you. to do? Do the opposite of what your body's. telling you to do. So, if. >> So, in a situation where. you feel that tension cuz you want to. have the conversation, you want to do. the thing, but now you're blocking your. own momentum, do the opposite of what. your body's telling you to do. So, what. do you do? So, instead of withdrawing, you sit at the end of your seat. Engage, look at the person, bring your shoulders. back. I'm going to share again another.

really interesting tool that comes from. the world of research. It was just. published recently. Mel, and everyone. listening and watching, can you put your. hand at the back of your neck? >> Okay. >> to feel a joint. Yes, it's like a bony. thing, yeah. >> It's like a bony thing. Give it a little. massage. Yes. >> want you to just tilt your head down, and you're going to feel more of that, okay? And then bring your head back. >> Pointy bones is what I feel. >> great. Bring it back up. >> Now, I'm putting my head back up. >> Now, this is a great stretch. I. encourage everyone to do it regularly. But this right here, that action of chin. to chest and back up, that is called. neck flexion. Neck flexion, okay.

>> Now, we know that there's this. connection between what our bodies are. doing and our posture. Should I keep my. hand here? Oh, you can remove your hand. So, that's neck flexion. >> Neck flexion. There's a connection. between what our bodies are doing and. how we're feeling. We know that if you have a big expansive. posture, you tend to feel more powerful. and confident. This study found that. it's because of neck flexion that we. feel that way. What? It is the. connection between chin and chest. The. distance between your chin and chest is. what determines how you feel. Now, what. does that mean for all of us? It means.

that when you're going into a. high-pressure situation, when you feel. the self-doubt, when you're wanting to. withdraw, you don't even have to think. about posture. All you have to do is. elongate your chin. Think about how to. expand the distance between chin to. chest. That's it. Oh, I just thought of. a rhyme. Lift the chin, let's begin. I. love that. Perfect. That can go on a. mug. See, I'll remember that. Okay, I'm. feeling myself collapse, I'm getting. nervous, I'm blocking my momentum. We. got to lift the chin, let's jump in. Beautiful. Oh, man. Okay, I I that. Dr.

Sade, what does research say about your. voice and clarity and how other people. perceive you based on how you speak? Okay, so research in speech. communication looks at the various tones. that we have. And what we've identified is there's. generally two overarching ones. One of them is very much a throat voice, which happens when we're not really. breathing very deeply and our voice. entirely comes from our throat. It's. very shallow. You see how it sounds. friendly, it sounds warm, but maybe. there's not a lot of credibility to it. >> Let me try that. I'm now trying to talk.

through my throat and it's like a. different voice that you hear. >> Completely different. And that changes. how you're perceived. Now, the other. type of voice It feels different, too. >> It feels really different. This is what. a lot of people do when they're nervous. because their bodies tense up. So, they're not able to get the oxygen in to. fill up their lungs and when you don't. have a lot of breath because you're. trying to retain it, that's when you get that higher sound. The other one. is a more breathy voice where you're. breathing into your diaphragm, which is. much easier to do when you're not.

stressed and you're not feeling. insecure. Mhm. And so, you've got. breathy voice, which is generally higher. pitched, which a lot of women. unfortunately do when they're nervous or. in loud spaces because they feel like. they can be heard better, which is very. interesting. But what we know is that. this deeper diaphragmatic voice, which. comes with breath, it comes with. gravitas, this leads to perceptions of. greater credibility. You come across as. if you're more credible. You come across. as if you're more confident. You come. across as if you're more grounded.

And so, a really simple tool for. everyone or something to practice is to. actually hear the difference in those. voices. In one of them, just speak with a little. bit of breath. Don't allow a lot to come. out. It's not super breathy. Allow a lot. of vocal fluctuation. And then the other one, which is going. to be from the diaphragm, hear the. difference. Now, if you're in an. interview, if you're in a high-stakes. environment, try and really breathe into We call it. breathing into the stomach. You're not. actually breathing into the stomach, but. when you take a deep breath into your. lungs, your diaphragm drops down, so you.

feel your belly coming out. And when you. breathe through that, breathe through. that voice, it does wonders for how you're. perceived. How can I train myself to. speak more eloquently? Oh. Well, I came prepared, Mel. Here is a. pen. Okay. What you're going to do is grab this pen. and put it between your teeth like this. Okay. So, for everyone watching and. listening, we're basically holding the. pen between our teeth a bit like a dog. would hold a bone. >> Okay, great. That's exactly what it. looks like. So, Dr. Shaday has put it in.

between her teeth like a bone, and you. know, her stuck. Here we go. Okay. Now, with with the pen in your. mouth, so everyone, make sure you clean. your pen before you do this. I highly. encourage that. You're going to grab a. book. Okay. >> And you're going to read any sentence or. paragraph from that book. And you want to pay attention to. pronouncing every single sound clearly. Mel, would you like to do us the honors? I would. Great. Okay. I am reading from page Oh, this is.

really hard. >> It's really hard. >> I'm reading from page 219 of your book, Big Trust. Yes, you can do the hard thing. Of all factors that have been studied to. understand motivation, the most potent one is simply feeling. like you're making progress. Like that sank in. Beautifully done. Now, you can take the pen out, you can.

wipe it. Can you try reading just. another paragraph right now? I'm going to read from page 219 of Big. Trust. Yes, you can. do the hard thing. Of all factors that have been studied to. understand motivation, the most potent. one is simply feeling like you're making. progress. Now Mel, tell us how it felt. once you took the pen out. Well, how it. felt when the pen was in. >> Let's start there. was like being at the.

dentist when they're trying to take. x-rays and your tongue is in the way and. you're trying to move everything around. and it feels very awkward and saliva is. falling around and your mouth is not. making the shapes that you want. But as soon as I took it out, it was as. if I had a mouth that had been warmed up. and stretched out and the words just. felt more intentional. And this is. exactly what this exercise does. So. you're warming up your entire facial. muscles. You're warming up your throat.

and your tongue and stretching what. otherwise doesn't get stretched very. often and that's what leads us to. mumble. That's what leads us to be. difficult to understand. Communication. really comes down to how well your. message is received by the other person. and that can influence how confident. you're perceived to be, how credible. you're perceived to be, how people. respond to you. When we're nervous, everything tenses and so we tend to. mumble. So if you're somebody who mumbles or you. have somebody in your life who is you. know kind of going like mumble mumble.

does this pen trick and practicing it, is this something that you can do for. free at home that will help you speak. more clearly and eloquently and that. will change the way people perceive you? Absolutely yes and I encourage you to do. it often. Do it in the morning, do it at. night, do it before every meeting, before every phone call because that's. how you're training yourself to be able. to pronounce far better, to enunciate. better which is going to improve how. you're perceived. I love this simple pen. trick. Holy cow, I hope you share this.

with everybody. It's so cool and I've. just started working with a voice. trainer and I'm going to tell you there. were so many things about this I didn't. understand but what you just showed. and what I felt in terms of the. difference is like having a professional. voice coach and it's so important to. take this seriously so that people take. you seriously when you have something to. say. Um Dr. Shade, can you explain to me. and to the person that's here listening. or watching.

what's. courage versus humanness scale? What is. that? So, this is a scale that we will. share with leaders and teams that we. work with at the Fortune 100 companies. that we're so blessed to support. Basically, when we look at teams, especially high-performing teams, we. find that there are two general. qualities that come up. The first one is the humanness. qualities. What do you think some of. these are? Warmth. Yes. Um care. Yeah. Positivity. Um.

uh confidence, humor. Exactly. All of. them. Uh collaboration. >> Empathy. Empathy. >> Compassion. Yes. All of these qualities. that make us human and allow us to come. to work in a place that we enjoy. Yes. Then we also have the performance-based. qualities. We call them courage-based. skills. What are some of these? What. would a team need in order to make sure. they're actually performing? >> Leadership. Uh decision-making. Uh. uh clarity. Uh. feedback.

Uh. very like definition of goals, process. Uh am I getting it? Absolutely. >> you. So, expectations, ROI. Here we go. KPI. >> And when we look at the research, this. is looking at a scale it's called the. trust versus assertiveness scale. Some. of them call it the compassion versus. performance scale. We call it humanness. and courage cuz it's just it's easy to. understand. Now, if we were to map these. out, so I have a little visual and I. will. >> pulling up a whiteboard as you're. listening.

>> Don't worry, I am going to explain this. So, we've got she's got on this, we. can't see it yet, but for you listening, imagine four square, the game that we. played in elementary school. You're on. the playground, there's four squares. We're standing in the squares. She's got. four squares. On one side it says human. on the other side it says courage and. we're about to find out what are in. these four squares. So where we have. teams or individuals, let's look at it. from an individual level first. Someone. who is very low and now let's start with. high. Someone who's very high on. humaneness. >> Yes. So a lot of that warmth and the.

empathy and the compassion. But very low. on courage. Okay. What we get is the. classic people pleaser. It's the person who wants everyone to. like them and validate them and so they. don't say what they mean in the meeting. and they sit on their hands and. everyone's happy with them. What about someone who is really high on. courage but very low on humaneness. I. think everyone who has worked especially. in corporate will know someone like this. and unfortunately a lot of these people. are in positions of leadership. Yes. >> not great. >> They're steamroller. Steamroller,

they're cold, they're calculated. You. don't like working with them and they. make you feel insecure. We call this the. agitator. Oh god, some days I'm like. that. I'm just [laughter] going to admit. it. Usually it's cuz I haven't eaten or. I'm getting over an illness or something. disappointing happened and I don't mean. to do this but some days I am. I find. that if you find yourself in this state, do your checklist. Have I had a nap? Have I had a snack? >> [laughter]. >> Have I done my exercise? Am I doing my. breathing? Sometimes that's all you. need. >> By the way, this works in a marriage and. in a family and in every relationship.

>> and this is what happens when. we don't have the balance of these two. qualities that we need to be functioning. people, team leaders, team members, in a. relationship, as a as a parent. What. about someone who's really low on. humaneness and low on courage? I I mean, are they even do they even. have a pulse? I mean, what's happening? This is where we get apathy and. toxicity. So so if you're dealing with. somebody. who has behaviors. that you know, people are throwing. around the label toxic person. I don't. like that cuz I like I prefer to say.

just label the behavior. A person may. not be aware that they're this way. But. if you're if you're with somebody who is. reading. on the toxic side in terms of their. behavior at work or in friendship, what. does that tell you about what they're. dealing with based on humanness and. courage? They have a lot of fear? They. might have a lot of fear. They might. also lack the agency to believe in their. competence. Or and this is something really.

important in the context of careers, there's something called career. imprinting. Where the first few experiences we have. in our career end up shaping our sense. of identity when it comes to our career. That makes sense. So if you're starting. out in the workforce and you have a. really unsupportive environment, you. have a micromanaging boss, you have team. members who are not giving you the time. of day that you need, you start to. internalize that I'm not worthy, I'm not good enough, and it's always going to be like this.

because it becomes what's called a. schema, which is like a template in our. mind. Yeah. And then we go to a new. company, a new team, and everything might be amazing, yet we. expect. that we're going to be overlooked and. talked over like we were before, and. then we unintentionally create that in. the new environment. Wow. That's why. it's so important when we start thinking. about. career imprinting, when we think about. that idea of us and our self-image and. the experiences that we have. Well, you. just taught me something about myself. I. think one of the reasons why, other than. just personal values, I have such a.

innate sense of justice and fairness and. injustice is because my first real big. job out of college and law school was as. a public defender, representing people. in the justice system who could not. afford a lawyer and who had experienced. systematic discrimination their entire. life. Wow. >> And so it is like imprinted in my soul. to both respond to moments that feel. very unjust and also to get the dukes up.

and fight when I have this sense that, you know, fairness is very important. here. So, that explains a lot. >> Mhm. So, you've had that career. imprinting take place. >> And it's continually reinforcing itself. >> Absolutely. And what happens when you. have high human-ness and high courage? So, this is what we call the partner. Okay. And we we call it the partner cuz. we're usually sharing this in the. context of leadership, but this is. someone who feels like they are a. partner with every single person in that. team. Mhm. When What do they say? When.

the tide rises, all ships rise. And it's. someone who recognizes that by them. succeeding, other people can succeed. And by them helping other people. succeed, they succeed. It means that. they are able to be appreciative of. others and collaborative and cooperative. while still giving the feedback that. needs to be said. While still addressing. behaviors that need to be addressed. So, why this model is really valuable for. anyone who is working in a company or. working in a team or in relationships is. just to recognize that if you struggle. with any of the four elements of big.

trust that undermine your confidence and. courage and self-trust and you have that. self-doubt, it means that you're going. to live in one of these spaces. The. people pleaser. Being apathetic. Where you can see if you're apathetic or. toxic, you're a blamer. If you're a. people pleaser, you're overthinking or. you are comparing yourself. Or. >> validation. >> If you're the agitator, you're running. people over and you're blaming lots of. things and you're taking control but in. the wrong ways and complaining. And if.

you're the partner, you're just reaching. for the tools. You're adapting. You are. like telling yourself you're capable of. figuring it out or we're capable of. figuring it. I see how this all tracks. directly to what you've been teaching. us. It's brilliant. Wonderful. So, that's that. That's the the matrix that. we like to share. And so, it's great to. just see how this matrix maps back into. big trust. You know, it's not just an. impact that we get for ourselves. It's. an impact that we are taking into our. lives because we don't live in a. microcosm. We're we're interacting with. other people. Yes. Dr. Shetagh.

If the person listening. takes just one. action out of everything you've taught. us today about the research around. breaking self-doubt, rebuilding trust, what's the most important thing for the. person listening to do? This is something that you encourage. people to do, Mel, which is pick one. thing that you have been hesitating from. doing. One thing that you've been. holding back on because self-doubt is. getting in your way. Break it down into. the smallest possible step and just do. the thing.

Can I share a very quick story here? >> Please. So, this is a story about Elizabeth. Gilbert who wrote Eat, Pray, Love, which became a movie and a global. bestseller. Now, when she was writing. it, it's her memoir. You'd think a. memoir would be kind of easy to write. It's your story. But, she said that she. couldn't get words on paper because she. had this mantra of this sucks running. through her head constantly. Nothing was. ever good enough. She would write, she. would rip it up. She would write, she. would delete. And then, amidst all of that uncertainty. and the self-criticism, she had this.

moment of clarity and she thought, "Hold. on. I never promised the universe that I. would write brilliantly. I just promised. the universe that I would write. I would. write something.". And so, with that, she made write the. goal and not write brilliantly the goal. And so, the message behind this is. sometimes we need to lower our. standards. We need to lower our standards. Don't. aim for perfection. Just aim for good. enough for now. You can always improve. later. So, don't aim for going viral on.

social media. Aim for hitting post. Don't aim for building a billion-dollar. business. Aim for setting up a website. or getting one paying customer. Don't. aim to find your soulmate. Just aim to. ask them out for a coffee. When you lower the standard, you make it. so much more achievable. And when you. achieve it, then you see yourself being. the kind of person who achieves these. things, which fundamentally changes your. self-image, changes how you see yourself. and what is possible for you, and then. that starts to change the rest of your.

life. I love that. Dr. Shade, what are. your parting words? Show up for the life that you want now. Don't wait for it. Don't wait for. permission. Don't wait till you feel. ready. Don't wait till you feel worthy. If you show up for the person that you. want to be now, there's this beautiful phenomena called. embodied cognition. And when you show up for it, the world. starts responding to you as if you. already have it. You see yourself speaking in the. meeting, going after what you want,

creating your own momentum, and that is. how you fundamentally shape your. self-image, which shapes your identity, which shapes who you're becoming. So, don't wait. Just show up today, and it. is remarkable what you will be able to. achieve. Dr. Shade, I just want to say on behalf of the. person listening and everyone that they. will share this with, thank you. Because it's one thing to say that, it's. a whole different ball game when you. show up with frameworks and tools and.

very specific things that you can do in. order to understand the nature of how. self-doubt is blocking you, and exactly. what is within your reach to push. through it and continue moving toward. the goals that you have, building the. confidence that you know is within you, and seeing yourself doing the things. that you had otherwise held your back. yourself back from experiencing. Thank. you so much for having me, and for. everyone watching and listening, thank.

you for being here. Thank you for. investing in yourself, and I'm excited. to see where you end up when you apply. some of what you've learned today. I am. so excited, too. I'm so excited that you. decided to spend time listening to this. or watching this. Today you got tools, you got frameworks, you got the research. broken down in the simplest ways so you. can start applying it today. I cannot. wait to see how this changes your life. So, make sure you tell me what happens. And one more thing, in case no one else. tells you today, as your friend, I.

wanted to be sure to tell you that I. love you and I believe in you. And I. believe in your ability to create a. better life. There is zero doubt in my. mind that when you use the tools to. rewire self-doubt, those moments that. are going to keep coming, and you double. down on your capacity and the things. that are in your control and. the talents that you have inside you to. push through what's happening and learn. and grow, your life is going to get. better. I mean, how could it not? Alrighty, I will see you in the very. next episode. I'm going to welcome you. in the moment you hit play.

And thank you. Thank you for watching. all the way to the end. I'm so excited. that you're investing your time in. learning how to create unshakable. confidence. And I also want to thank you. for sharing the link to this episode. with people in your life that you care. about. Whether it's [music] your sister. or your partner, somebody in your life. that keeps shrinking and blocking their. own way. One way to be a great friend. [music] or a sibling or a great partner. is to share these resources with people. And so, I just really appreciate you. doing that. And one [music] more thing.

My team was just showing me that 57% of. you who watch the Mel Robbins podcast. here on YouTube are not subscribers. My. goal is to get that number to 50%. So, could you do me a favor? If the. subscribe button is lit up, would you. just hit it? It's free and it's the best. way for you [music] to say, "Thanks, Mel." And thanks to the team here at the. Mel Robbins podcast. And thanks to Dr. ShaDay who flew halfway around the world. to be [music] here in Boston to teach. you this. I really appreciate you doing. that and I know that you would. appreciate me recommending the next. video. This, you're going to love, and.

I'll welcome you in the moment you hit. play.