Ep 626 - Oil Boy (feat. Dru Montana & Lemaire Lee)

Wow. Wow. Wes, >> what do we put the polar bear's head in. a fishbowl? [laughter]. >> We didn't start. I'm not including any. of this. >> We don't have to, dude. >> We are starting now. >> Hey guys, what's going on? >> Hey, Matt. >> Dude, I uh you guys saw I got a case of. water before I went on I got the I. ordered on Gouff. >> I got usually you Gouffuff usually. drivers humble lads in this area. humble. ads and when they hand me they usually. give me the case. I get the big case of.

Mountain Valley Water and they [ __ ]. they'll honestly kind of pump me up a. little bit like whoa it's okay and I'm. like bro my ferte [laughter] [ __ ] I. and it's like kind of a fun thing I. enjoy. I just I just had the misfortune. of getting like a unicycle white guy as. a delivery guy. >> No grande awas today. >> I got the Grande Aquas, but it was just. nothing but [ __ ] unicycle attitude. >> Yeah. >> I call him. I'm like, "Yo, dude. Uh I'm. coming out. Where you at?" He's like, "I'm on the corner of blah blah blah.". And I'm like, "All right, well, I'm in. the middle of the street, dude." Like,

like, "Come to the middle.". >> Just like all attitude. I'm like, >> "Yeah, he had the unicycle around.". [laughter]. >> Put a box. He was bouncing. >> He wasn't on the unicycle. I just I know. for a fact he's a unicycle white. I was. like, "Nope. I know this guy's unicycle. guy.". >> Dude, I remember. >> whatever the [ __ ] it's called. What is. that? What's that? It's called the. unicycle power. >> I don't like those. I I saw a guy on a. unicycle when I was in like middle. school and they were like older kids. that were smoking weed and I was just. hanging around and I was trying to sound.

cool and I asked the guy if he could do. a wheelie on it and they were all like. what are you a [ __ ] [ __ ] [laughter]. like obviously I can't [ __ ] wheelie. you I was like my bad I'll just go to my. mom's or whatever. >> to be fair kind of embarrassing to ride. a wheelieless craft. Yeah. >> Right. >> Like you guys are [ __ ] And also you can. technically lean the front up and do. >> That's what I was thinking, dude. My. head. >> a manual. You're asking about a manual. >> Yeah. Right. >> That thing pogo stick a unicycle, >> dude. [laughter] They get no air. Unicycle guys get no air. That's why.

they're so [ __ ] testy. >> They're riding a craft and they get they. get the least air out of any riding. No. air. None. No air whatsoever. >> A flightless bird. [laughter]. >> They are. They're like an ostrich. >> [ __ ] dodo. This guy was a [ __ ]. grump. He was Dude, I like was like, "Hey, I'm here." I'm like, "All right, dude. Well, the it's not what the. address doesn't say to sit on the. [ __ ] corner, dude. The address says. it's a big ass case of water.". >> So, I'm like, "Well, I'm in the middle. of the street." I was like, "Just come. down here." I come out. He's already in. the middle of the street. I don't know. why he said he was on the corner. >> I'm like, "Oh, oh, there." He's like,

"I'm over here." I'm like, "Okay." So, I. go up. >> and then he's like hands me I have the. tiny case of liquid death, the big. mountain valley. Hands me the liquid. death first. I'm like, "Okay, bro. How. am I going to hold the liquid death and. grab the case?" So I I'm like put the. liquid death down on his car. >> Yeah. Brook and stack. >> And then. >> never built a snowman before. >> Yeah, clearly. Yeah, clearly. [laughter]. Oh, just nothing but attitude, dude. Not. even like I I mean, again, I was just. sorely missing my humble lads. >> I put the liquid death down cuz I'm. like, [ __ ] I can't hold that and. hold this. [laughter] And so he like.

he's like, "Oh, it's heavy. I I I. shouldn't have done this." But I was. like, "Don't worry, the big guns are. taking over.". >> [laughter]. >> I gave the unicycle white a tiny barb. I. said, "Brother, the big gun, the big. guns got it from here, man.". >> Dad energy, dude. You hit him with some. dad energy. He needs some discipline. >> I gave him some I did give him dad. energy. Hit him with the big gun. Especially a guy roughly my same age to. be like kind of criminal to son another. adult. Like, [laughter]. >> you go watch this.

>> I want to go go like why didn't your. driver tell me how strong I was when I. was taking a case of water? I had to big. up myself. [laughter]. I had to big up myself cuz there wasn't. a Mexican guy there to do it for me. But. I said, "The big gun's taking over, brother. Don't [laughter] worry about. it.". >> That's got to be a requirement for Go. Puff is like you got to be able to carry. 35 to 50 lbs. I'd imagine. >> Dude, I I go puffed once and I got an. old lady and I had to like help her. It. was just like 32 waters. I had to go to. her car and help her like move it. I was. like, "Why did I have just went to the. store?". >> Wait, that was your Oh, you were the You.

were ordering the GoPro. At that point, you should just take that old lady. [laughter]. >> She's included. >> Yeah, it's a buy one get one, dude. >> Yeah, she's included. Like, all right, you're coming in here, too. >> I want an old maid for my house. >> I did a I did Door Dash for like one. day. I got maybe 3 hours into it and I. was already hating it. Door Dash sucks. It's like you go into a Wendy's and. you're just [ __ ] waiting for food and. then uh that's the whole experience. But. I remember I like halfway through it or. cuz I planned on working for like six. hours. I only made it like three. But I.

got the Wendy's and [ __ ] I got the. [ __ ] and it was a full bag and then as. soon as I got out to bring it to the. guy's house, the bottom of the bag just. fell out. It was like fries and like. chicken sandwiches everywhere. [laughter]. I was like, "Fuck this." And I just went. home. >> I just left it on his sidewalk. [laughter]. >> I didn't even text anybody. >> I would have picked up a sandwich and. went home. Yeah, that's good. >> I love quitting a job without telling. anyone. >> Quitting a job might be my favorite. thing in the world, >> dude. Last time I did this pod was it. was like three years ago and it was uh I.

quit a job. It was uh cuz you hit me up. and you were like, "Hey, can you do the. pod?" And I was like two weeks in at. like this data entry [ __ ] job that I. hated. And I was like, "Yeah, of. course." And I went and told my boss. I. was like, "Hey, I have a doctor's. appointment. Forgot to tell you guys.". She was like, "You're still in your. training period. You can't go to the. doctors." And I go, "Oh, fuck." So I. went back and I sat at my desk for like. 3 minutes. And then I was doing like. one-on-one training with this girl and I. go, "Hey, I got to go to the bathroom. real quick." I just [laughter]. I came within the pod and I never came. back. >> That is a sick move. >> It was sick. And.

>> I I did that at LA Fitness and then I. had a change of heart. I was I like just. escaped. I was just like. >> I'm just going to dip real quick and the. middle of the day and I was like, "Come. on, dude. Just at least go tell the guy. you're So, I was already in my car and I. turn I doubled back, went inside and I. was like, "Hey, man." He's like, "What's. up?" I was like, "Going home." He was. like, "What?" I was like, "Yeah, I'm. just I I'm leaving." [laughter]. He was like, "What the [ __ ] man? We're. the same thing." He's like, "I just. trained you. You did your tub [laughter]. training. Like, you can't leave." And I. was like, "No, I'm leaving. I just. figured I'd at least tell you cuz I was. just going to just [laughter] like.

vanish.". >> And he was like, he was just conf he was. just like, >> he didn't appreciate it. >> He was confused. He was like, "Why?". [laughter]. I was like, "I don't like this.". >> Yeah. >> I'm just going home. And he was like, "You can't go home. You can't go home.". And I was like, "I am. I just figured. I'd at least tell you.". >> That's fair though. Like, >> yeah. I gave him [ __ ] one minute. notice. They're [laughter]. >> go find another guy to train. >> like they're evaluating you for 3 weeks. It's like but I'm also they're. evaluating you so you should be. evaluating them. You should be like is.

do I want to stay here also? You know. >> Yeah. But the problem is you lied so. hard in the interview and be like this. is just the opportunity I always. received. [laughter]. >> Dude, fake resumes and lying in. interviews have been my whole job. experience. I go into job interviews and. I'm like I know everything you could. ever imagine. I got references that'll. tell you I know everything and then as. soon as I get the job they're like he. doesn't know Excel even. It's like basic. [ __ ] I can't do. >> You're like [laughter]. >> and I just wait it out for 3 weeks till. I get fired. >> They're like you don't know Excel. You're like no I'm doing great at this.

job. [laughter]. >> I used to claim PowerPoint hard on my. resume cuz I like used it once in. college and I I could like ba barely. drag and drop like a presentable thing. into it and I was like very proficient. in PowerPoint. >> Yeah. efficient in Microsoft suite is on. [laughter] my resume. I know none of it, dude. I can do like a PowerPoint on like. my top 10 NBA players and that's it. It's like [laughter]. >> I can't do any of the special [ __ ]. though. >> Once you figure out animations in. PowerPoint, you're a [ __ ] master. >> I know none of it, dude. >> Well, dude, Excel is in Apparently Excel.

you can do all kinds of crazy [ __ ]. there. Like, >> dude, when you say you know Excel, you. don't [ __ ] know [ __ ] You don't know. nothing. >> I can hardly fill out like subheadings. in the or like headings in the top and. stretch the cells out. I can do that, but then the numbers get all they start. adding. I'm like, don't add. >> You can do formulas in Excel where you. type it into one and then it goes a. different number into a different thing. >> I have a friend who does that. >> I told them I was proficient and they're. like [laughter] explaining all this [ __ ]. to me. I go, "What do you mean?". >> True. He never said I was a master. [laughter].

>> Yeah. Job interview. And they're also. lying to you about how like exciting the. job is, how many opportunities it'll. yield you. It's like we're basically. catching you in a cage. >> Yeah. and we're going to [ __ ] just like. steal your life. >> That's exactly what they were trying to. do to me. >> And frustrate. We're going to frustrate. you and mislead you and try to get the. most out of you for the absolute least. amount of money. And you're like, "Well, I want the most amount of money for the. least amount of work.". >> They should give you cigarettes during. training. Like, you're going to need. this. You [laughter]. >> That would be kind of nice. >> Yeah, that'd be sick.

>> That would be funny. Like, so this job. [ __ ] blows. Soul crushing. Boring. >> But cigarettes, >> sigs, that would be respectable. I wrote. a sketch like that where like you're in. an orientation but like it's like. showing you all the perks and one of the. perks is like a [ __ ] room. [laughter] A [ __ ] room. >> instead of like a gym you just can go. [ __ ] out. >> You could just like beat the [ __ ] out of. a [ __ ] during the middle of your work. day, you know? [laughter]. >> Oh, I thought you meant wear like a [ __ ]. mask and get all freaky. >> Yeah. Yeah. But like you're go you can. either [laughter] be the [ __ ] or.

>> Yeah. You can beat the [ __ ] or get down. by the [ __ ]. >> Did you make this sketch? >> Yeah, I wrote [laughter] it. I didn't. make it yet. >> I'm looking for somebody to play the. [ __ ] [laughter]. So just like. >> I got a guy. >> What is the gim? What is beating the. [ __ ] supposed to do for you? Just get. out your mic. >> Yeah, I guess it's like a rage room type. thing, >> you know, like uh. >> but what if it horned you up? What if. it's like. >> That's what I'm saying. That's okay. >> So Okay. So it's like free use on the G. So it' be like a tech company where. they'd be like, "Here's a ping pong. table, open a door, and it's basically.

like free use on a gim.". >> Yeah. [laughter]. >> Well, it's going to do it's going to do. numbers. You might shake up the industry, man. [laughter]. >> I mean, it's genuinely funny. >> I was thinking like, you know, >> he's going in at Google next week. >> I visited Facebook and they had like a. full arcade and like movie theater and I. was like, why don't they have a [ __ ]. No. [laughter]. >> When did you visit Facebook, by the way? >> Uh, in 2021. Oh, like like a the day.

before Kobe died. Literally the day. before Kobe. >> Can you just go How did you How did this. come about? One of my friends. girlfriends used to His ex-girlfriend. used to work at Facebook. >> So you got to go in. >> Yeah. I was like, I want to go. >> Yeah. >> What? And they just let you in? >> Yeah. She just took me. Yeah. >> What? >> It was a huge campus. It was nice. >> Yeah. It's pretty awesome. I could see. you rising in the tech sphere. [laughter]. >> That' be so nice. I mean, dude, just the. [ __ ] mask thing alone would be. [laughter]. >> like, I got some ideas. >> Yeah. What if we got just an absolute. sub? >> What about the iPhone? You know, think.

about it. Turn it upside down. They. would love that. the iPhone turn. >> Convert it. [laughter]. >> Convert the iPhone. >> Sometimes the iPhone is upside down and. you can't even really tell. You know. what [laughter] I mean? It kind of looks. all the same to me. >> True. >> Yeah. Sometimes I try to get my screen. horizontal and it won't go. And I'm. like, >> I go, "What the [ __ ] happening? >> Screen lock's not even on." I'm going, "Dude," and I like position it. I don't. know if that's like magnetism or. something trying to [laughter]. >> It's all about the poles, dude. You got. to face it south. >> [ __ ] I hate I hate computer. I am a.

lite. I hate tech. I truly do. I I I'm. getting my screen time lower and lower. I I finally touched sub two hours a day. screen time. >> Whoa. >> Yeah, that's my low. I'm back up to two. two hours a day. >> That I mean that's huge, man. Congrats. I think I'm at like I don't realize it, but I'm every day I'm at like seven six. or seven or eight hours of screen time. I'm like, how the [ __ ] does that happen? >> Yeah. All my screen times is reals. >> Really? >> Yeah. >> Yeah. Just eight hours of reels. >> I feel like I mean here's the thing. GPS. if you're driving that kind of adds up. technically. But I do. Just those quick.

little breaks add up. You don't realize. there's like 40 of them a day. >> Mhm. >> I just came to I I had to just I was. like, "Dude, I never feel good when I. look at this [ __ ] Every time I look at. it, I feel like a dumbass, >> right? >> Like I feel like I've done a really bad. drug. Every time I look at it. afterwards, I just kind of come down. from it. I'm like, "What the fuck?". >> But is there any FOMO of that for you? Like Like you probably don't know there. was a [ __ ] Jaguar that attacked an. Indian guy in a liquor store this. morning about it. [laughter]. >> But it's like that'll be another one of. those tomorrow. Didn't know that. Swear. to God. Had no idea. It's I mean it is. something that happens every day.

probably. But. >> see, but here's the thing. The the if. it's big enough, I'll hear about it in. real life. >> And now I know about the Jaguar, the. tactician guy, and I can search that out. rather than [laughter] just trolling. through an endless [ __ ] That was. the video. It was a pretty good. Jaguar comes in, he's on 10 immediately. He's like, ah. He pounces on the guy and. then the guy fights him off. And then. the Jaguar hides behind some Captain. Morgan bottles. He just chills. >> Is there audio to it? >> Yeah, it sounds AI. No, this is real. This is in It's in India. It's a Jaguar.

This happens. >> Can we get it? Can we Can we fact check? [laughter]. Let's backtrack. NY Post posted it. Uh. >> if a guy got pounded on by a Jaguar, he'd surely be dead. >> No. >> Yeah, but they carry sticks on them. >> That's Jaguar sticks. >> He had a Jag stick on him. Well, for. Pakistanis, but he had he had a. [laughter]. >> he had his Pakistani stick and he just. took the Jaguar down. >> Pakist. [laughter]. >> Yeah, they see each other apparently. I. mean, the border is a big thing. They do. gangs in New York on the border. >> Yeah. Pakistan.

>> Yeah. They like talk each other and. [ __ ]. >> It's a thriller. It's a thriller video. [laughter]. >> Did this thing really happen? >> Yeah. >> Naked strict by AI, too. We can't We. can't. >> I mean, everything's. >> Yeah, everything could be AI now, but it. looks as real as it gets to me, dude. And I think if it was if they had made. it like much more worse and gruesome, then I'd be like, "This might be fake.". If the guy like floated up and like. rotated. >> Yeah, it's a mild He has five fingers. So, [laughter] it's a mild jaguar.

attack. >> They say. >> I think you might have missed the water. buffalo flipping the guy up and he. floated into the sky [laughter] a couple. times. >> Did you see that? The. >> bison. I don't see the water buffalo. either. >> Damn, dude. >> 65year-old guy gets [ __ ] launched by. a bison. >> And that's real. >> Yeah, that's real. Real as hell. >> What the hell was he What was he doing. to the bison? >> He was just at the park. >> He dude, he's running around. You ever. like get your little brother on one side. of the kitchen island and you're on the. other and you're trying to catch him? He's doing that with the bison like. around a tree and then the bison the.

bison finally pulls up on him goes, "Oh, Jesus Christ." [laughter]. >> Yo, he Yeah, he really did fight a. jaguar or leopard. Leopard. >> leopard. Yeah. Yeah. Same thing, dude. >> Dang, dude. I mean, what would be sicker. I like fantasize about this all the time. of just like a life or death scenario. caught on camera where you emerge. victoriously. >> Mhm. Oh, like over like a leopard and a. >> leopard grabbed that leopard and snapped. its neck. That would have been sick. There's even a guy. >> That guy's getting all the Indian [ __ ]. right now. I bet. [laughter]. >> Yeah, he's Bob's being sent left and.

right. >> Bob's Venez. >> Yeah, he's he should be I mean he should. be if you fight off a lever in your. liquor store. >> Yeah. >> Should be something. >> Yeah, you got to get sucked. >> Yeah, you got to get sucked. >> You got to get sucked. >> Yeah. No, it would be cool to have one. of those situations where you're like. fighting off like a life or death. situation. You just hope somebody's. capturing it on video. >> I I pray for it every day, >> dude. I touched a giraffe the other day. Uh like. >> where were you at? >> It was It was It was a zoo. And like.

>> Were you feeding it? >> No, I was just I just touched it. Just. let me touch it. And I was like, >> "This thing could beat the [ __ ] out of. me." [laughter]. >> Yeah, they're [ __ ] massive. No. problem. >> I'm not I'm for real not trying to one. up you. I fed giraffes not too long ago. >> Yeah. [laughter]. So sick. So. >> what do you feed them? You just get like. a like plants. You hand them like a big. thing of lettuce and they wrap their. purple tongues around it and pop it out. of your hand. It's pretty awesome. >> Yeah. [laughter]. Dude, no. I was actually kind of scared. of them, too. I was like, "These things. are [ __ ] massive, dude. Imagine a.

horse. >> four times maybe five times the size of. a horse with just like a 30foot neck.". >> Yeah. >> They're [ __ ] terrifying in real life. >> Yeah. A [ __ ] Clydesdale with. [laughter] with a dinosaur neck. The videos of them fighting are the. funniest thing ever. >> What? How do they You've. >> never seen that whip. >> Oh, dude. They just whip their necks at. each other full speed, dude. It looks. like just all concussions in their. fights. [laughter]. >> Just nothing but CTE in a giraffe fight. >> Yeah, you would think they're chill, but. yeah, apparently not.

>> Nah, they get Yeah, they rumble. >> Nothing's really chill. Even plants. battle. >> My yard My garden is kind of wild right. now, and I'm watching plants fight. I'm. watching a lemon bomb plant fight a. sweet potato plant. >> Why? Why are they fighting? this for. space. >> Why can't they. >> fighting for space and resources is is a. battle for survival. >> Do you do are you uh do you have like a. regenerative garden where you like plant. certain plants around other plant like. so they grow together or is this just a. >> I kind of do Dr. Frankenstein's. laboratory figuring. dude. It's nice to experiment. I got.

okra, uh onions, >> uh zucchini, >> green beans, tomatoes, basil, and mint. Oh, >> you got a big old garden. >> Yeah. What So what do you do with okra? What is that? a bean kind of thing. >> I don't know. I had fried ochre once in. Alabama and I liked it and now I'm. growing a bunch of it and everyone's. like, "That [ __ ] sucks. Why are you. doing that?". >> Okra sucks. It's slimy. >> Yeah. I don't know what I'm going to do. with it. >> Yeah. You get rid of it. >> That's the one crop here. They're like, "You can grow ochre in the summer." I. was like, "No, [ __ ] You can grow sweet. potatoes in the summer, too.". >> Yeah, sweet potatoes are nice. I'm doing.

garlic. Uh once I pull everything up, I'm going to put garlic in in October. and then you grow it through the winter. and then hopefully pull it up in May. >> It's awesome. I I grew garlic. Garlic's. one of the best things to grow. And. dude, it's it is actually kind of [ __ ]. up. Like when you grow your own when you. start to grow even like a little bit of. your own food, stuff in the grocery. store is dead. >> Like compared to what you eat when you. grow it, it it doesn't it Well, first of. all, I think uh. >> like store-bought like greens, they lose. like 60 70% of their like vitamin C. within like two weeks of sitting on the.

shelf. I think even like a couple days, they're they're like they lose so much. [ __ ]. >> Well, it's like if you pick a if I pick. a tomato from my garden, I I never put. them in the fridge. I'll just sit it on. the window sill in the kitchen and it's. good for like a week to like 10 days. If. I buy a tomato from the store and put it. in my fridge, it dies within 48 hours. It's like moldy. >> It's like black. It looks like [ __ ]. [clears throat]. >> Well, it's been sitting there for. [ __ ] like. >> the time it takes to pick stuff, sort it. out, truck it over, set it up in a. store, like come from the warehouse to a.

store, it's just really old. >> Yeah. My dad was trying to tell me that. uh clams have to be eaten the day you. you pull them or they're like no good. Yeah. And I was like, "Well, that's like. impossible because it's [ __ ] you live. in the middle of New York State where. there's not clams for like 600 miles.". He was like, "No, I'm telling you, man. That's what happens." And then I had to. Google it for him and they do freeze. clams. >> Oh yeah. Freeze dry. >> He looked like a big [ __ ] dog. >> He looked like a [ __ ] idiot. >> Yeah. [laughter]. >> I suned him. >> So they Did the clams die when you.

freeze them? No, it's like it's like. >> think like Walt Disney, dude. >> They're like alligators. >> That's probably I wonder if they do that. for oysters, too. Cuz I always wonder. that. I'm like, how the [ __ ] are they. getting these oysters over here? They. got to be. >> It doesn't even make sense for a person. in Nebraska to have ever tried an. oyster. >> I know. >> Unless they're cryogenically Walt. Disney. >> True. Yeah, >> they have to be. Yeah. >> Unless you got a really like cool plane, you know? >> [laughter]. >> No way. >> That's why lobster's market price. They.

[ __ ] dropped it in on like a hella. [laughter] mini parachutes. They're like. the Toy Story toy soldiers. >> That's where all of our seafood comes. from. It lands on the top of a. children's hospital. [laughter] They. just ground all the other planes. They're like, "Hold on. We're bringing. seafood in upscale steakouses. Everyone. [laughter] wait.". Just kids on [ __ ] ventilators and. then waiting. [laughter]. Yeah. Load up the chopper. >> Drop it. [ __ ] seat. >> [laughter]. >> What does it say?

>> It seems to me, this is just chat GPP, but it seems to me that the clams and. oysters aren't dead when they're being. transported. They're just they're still. alive, but they're frozen. >> Okay. So, they live during the freeze. >> Walt Disney, I guess. But got. >> They're not dead cuz when they die, they. taste. >> They're bad. Yeah, they're bad. So, they. are I mean, I've said it already before. When you eat an oyster, oysters are. alive. Dude, Ian uh. >> Ian Fed has a show on YouTube. >> Huh? >> Ian Fed has a show on YouTube called Ian. Do where he like Yeah. Yeah. He was. shucking oysters for one and you could.

like It was crazy because like the guy. would like shake it and he like dead. like. >> that one's alive. Like you just hear. them. >> That's kind of cool. >> Clam clams uh move around with their. tongues. >> Yeah, >> I think that's mad interesting. They. just be licking the sand and like. pushing themselves along. >> That's how they [ __ ]. >> Yeah. >> projectiles. Cuz I always wondered that. you see a clam and you go, "How the [ __ ]. did that guy move at all?". >> That's just his tongue. >> It's just his tongue. >> Just the ones that are like, "Is that a. clam?". >> Yeah, clams do be like that. [laughter]. >> Although, think about.

>> not that not that I obviously I don't I. haven't eaten [ __ ] in like 30 years, but [laughter]. >> I just don't do it. It's just, you know. >> No, I feel you. >> I wish I could hold it down like that. I. I get so jealous of guys that are like. absolutely not. I wish I had that in me. I think my car would be cleaner somehow. >> [laughter]. >> If I didn't if I refused to eat [ __ ] on. principal, I'd probably have a clean. car. >> Yeah. Everything else is in order. >> It's related. It's related. Eating I. mean, everyone here, I guess, eats. [ __ ] right? >> I eat [ __ ] Yeah. >> Sean. Yes.

>> I'm a fan of the stuff. >> Yeah. Can't get enough. >> I do it just for I do them at this point. just for fun. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> You know what I mean? I'm not even like. trying anymore. I just I just do it just. I just think it's fun. >> Talking about eating clams. >> Exactly. That's a crazy [laughter]. thing. Clams get about by their tongues. [gasps]. >> I uh I did take a stand against it for a. while. >> What? >> Eating [ __ ] I don't know. I did have. like a I'd say like eight month stretch. where I was like big against the stuff. Anti. >> So what what what what kind of brought.

that about? >> Just trying to seem cool. I don't know. It was like [laughter] just trying to be. against the establishment. >> How how did how did uh did you So you. came up against a woman, you refused on. principal. How did they how did they. take that? >> She was actually pretty cool with it. I. think you think she respected it. But. here's a here's the thing. Women think. their vaginas are disgusting, >> right? >> So if you're like, "I'm not doing that.". They're like, "Yeah." It's like a guy's. butthole. They They're like, "Yeah, for. sure. >> Totally understandable.". >> Yeah. >> They really think that they're they're. like, at least in my experience, I feel. like they're always just like, "Oh,

don't. It's not. Get down." It's like, "You don't know how nasty I am.". >> And it's never that bad if it's if it's. really It's the ones where where it's. >> No, I don't. Never. >> No. No, never. I've gotten like I've. gotten the area tickled before, but. >> never I don't I would never really want. someone digging in my [ __ ] My. [ __ ] is a [ __ ] disaster. >> I've never had my actual [ __ ] but a. nice like guick. It's I'm like, you can. go a little further south. I ain't going. to stop you. You know what I mean? But I. don't think.

>> I don't know that I would stop it. either. But I don't know, man. It's. really You got to get me on a good day. >> Oh yeah. >> Summertime. No, there's not a day in the. summer I could have my ass. >> Girl licks your gu. She's nasty as hell, dude. That's the sweatiest part of your. body. your gu. >> Yeah, >> that's Yeah, that's the sweatiest part. of your body. >> My forehead gets pretty sweaty. >> Not sweatier than your gu. It's all It's. in jeans all day. >> Yeah, your gu is sweaty. [laughter]. >> Although. >> my Gucc definitely smells worse for. sure. >> Yeah, my a just told me this thing. How. to know if a girl doesn't love you. If. she like u my a she like saying if she.

sucks your dick and uh she like she like. uh licks the part in between your dick. and your balls right there, she's she. doesn't love you. >> Why? Cuz she's a trick. I think it's a. trick trick. >> Really? >> It's a trick trick. >> It's a trick trick. >> So she told you that? >> Yeah. >> Tricks of the trades. So if a woman. licks below your balls, >> not below your balls. >> No, it's in between your penis and. balls. See, here's the thing. Mine. connect right there. So there's really. not a big in between area. [laughter]. >> Wait, I don't really have a big.

>> I'm confused now. She's saying the like. she's saying basically the underside of. your shaft. >> Yeah. >> No, that's good stuff. That's fair game. No, I'm telling you that she's telling. me it's the trick trick. >> to hit the unders. First of all, how she. know? No offense. >> I know how she know. I know my aunt. peaches, dude. You don't know aunt. peaches. She's wild. She's. >> Aunt Peaches know. >> Peaches has a hoop. >> So, you're saying So, here's here's the. balls. Here's the penis, man. Whatever. But like, [laughter]. you're saying where the penis and balls.

merge, if you lick that part, you're. getting attacked by a trick. >> Mhm. It's a trick trick. >> Does she even talk about sub balls? Was. that I'd be curious. >> She didn't say anything sub balls. >> Got you. That probably wasn't even a. thing back then. >> Yeah. [laughter]. My page is crazy. >> But why why would that be such an I. don't understand why that would be I. don't think that's a problem at all. >> It's untouched. >> Yeah. It's it's untouched and it's just. like it's probably the most sensitive. part of the dick. Honestly, >> how it's the least. >> No. Yeah. The head is the head.

>> I don't know, man. You got Yeah, you got. to get tricked. AP [laughter]. I think APG might be like a 40-year-old. virgin. It sounds like, you know, like. the best part like the bottom near the. balls is like super sensitive. [laughter]. >> I think she's wild, dude. She said she. loves sap. She's. >> What's sap? >> Ew, dude. >> Come. E, she calls it sap. >> She calls it sap. She's like, it's good. for your skin. I was like, [laughter]. >> that's how Peaches talks.

>> Out there tapping the trees. Yeah. [laughter]. >> How how would these conversations come. about? Would this be like a. >> Yeah. Thanksgiving and then like a. >> It's like Thanksgiving or something. >> You're talking sap over the turn. [laughter]. >> My My aunts have never told me about. their love for sap. This is nuts. >> No. Peaches rules. [laughter]. >> You got to ask them how much they love. sap. >> My friends and Peaches is talking sap. the other day. >> Yeah. [laughter] I brought it up to my. mom. I was like, "Mom, Peach was talking.

about how much she loves sap." And my. mom was like, "Uh-uh. [laughter]. She did that to you, too? [laughter] E, >> she might be fishing. That might be some. sap fishing.". >> No, not for me. [laughter]. >> Not for you. I wouldn't put smud on her. like that. But that's. >> But I mean, it's one thing to talk about. the medicinal properties of sap. I've. tried to I've tried to uh promote those. as well. >> My babe, I'm like, "Yo, I think they're. like good for you.". >> [laughter]. >> I mean that is uh that is folklore that.

like ladies that get comed on a lot or. sapped on a lot they get a they got good. skin. Yeah. >> Supposed to be a good skin care. >> That's folklore. >> I wouldn't know. I. >> I dude I and again this could be this. could be fake but I I thought I saw a. study saying like if women who ingest. it, it helps them with stuff because it. contains testosterone or something. A. bunch of vitamins. >> Probably helps him with everything. honestly. [laughter]. >> Yeah. Probably good for like driving. Yeah. [laughter]. >> It's a GLP1. Should be my sap. God was epic in it.

[laughter]. >> Yeah. I've tried to promote the sap, but. not trying to hear it. [laughter]. >> You got to get her to talk to Peaches. >> I used to uh I used to participate in a. little bit of a internet trick trick. where uh I never I was never pimping for. real, but I I did a little thing. I had. like a six-mon stint where I was rubbing. oil on tits on only fans and um. >> but it was it was the best time of my. life cuz it was like I just gotten. fired. >> Did you walk away from that job too?

>> One day I didn't show [laughter] up. >> Well, >> wait. So, you got fired and then you. started rubbing oil on tits and all. >> it all worked out perfect. But, um. >> I would say. >> yeah, this lady hit me up and she was. like, "Hey, I need like help doing uh. like camera work for my Only Fans. Can. you help me out?" And I was like, "I'm. not going to like put my dick on the. internet. That'd be crazy." She was. like, "No, it's not that. All you have. to do is like, so I would set up a ring. light and then I'd just be [ __ ]. massaging oil into tits." Easy. But. yeah, I forget why I said that, but it.

was it was a good industry. She paid me. $600 a week for like six months. >> What? What? Dude, who was this guy who. replaced you? I would have killed him. >> I don't know. Um, well, she wanted to. like make it like a thing. She wanted to. like pay. >> She was trying to She was trying to. entice you into her life. >> She was like, "You only come over when. you're getting your money and rubbing. oil into that was the [ __ ]. agreement." A and also understandably. so. >> Yeah. [laughter]. >> Also too, I I'd be nervous to date an. Only Fans lady because they could for. sure just film you one day, right? >> It's over.

>> Well, oh, that's all right. So, >> I actually know you're on Softwight. Underbelly being like, "Yeah, I've been. in the adult sex industry now for 5. months." Uh, [laughter]. >> when I when I stopped working for um a. friend of mine, Rob Cruz, he was. subscribed to her, Only Fans, and I. didn't know that. He goes, "Yo, did you. stop working with uh what's her name on. Only Fans?" And I go, "How the [ __ ] did. you know I was doing that?" He's like, "Dude, I knew it was you. You do weird. [ __ ] with your hands." And I was like, "That's crazy." For six months, Rob was. just watching my hands and beating off. >> Dang. >> Yeah. >> Unbeknownst to him,

>> good friend. >> I still love the lady. >> The lady whose tits you were rubbing. developed feelings for you. >> Yeah. >> And then she wanted you to be her lover. and only fans and her co-star. >> Yeah. Yeah. >> You should have taken her Only Fans over. and cut her out of it, >> dude. Yeah. [laughter]. No, that would have been Dastly. >> You had like three Only Fans. girlfriends. >> Really? How did this come about? >> Only two. >> Only two. >> Um, but [laughter]. >> really, how does this come about? >> Um, I don't know. >> What kind of circles are you running in?

>> The same circles you're running in, man. We know all the same guys. >> I don't never even Never even heard of. these. >> We know all the same people. >> Never even heard of these. I know Zero. Only Fans models. >> No, you know one for sure. >> You know one for sure. I think I know who you're talking about. >> Yeah, [laughter]. >> the secret filmer. >> Maybe. No, that was a different one. >> Oh, no. >> I guess I do know. Wait, I do know. Okay, I only know one I know of. Whatever. I don't know. Um [laughter]. >> Yeah, I don't know. >> We'll we'll chat later. >> That one I was never like involved in.

any of the the stuff though. That was. just her kind of doing like solo [ __ ]. and I'd be like, "You go make your. money, baby. I'm [laughter] I'm going to. sit in your king-size bed and watch your. HBO Max," which I don't have at my. house. [laughter]. And so you weren't So you're Hold on. Do. you connect that loosely to your head of. like kind of pimping? Because you said I. wasn't pimping. >> No. Well, I think the first one where. you're like uh. >> That's a crazy If you're You can't claim. pimping. >> No. No. No. Oh, I think the first one. was more like I was at least involved in. it, but it was like No, it was never. Yeah, I was a performer. I was never a.

talent. >> Yeah, I never claimed [laughter]. pimping. >> You're on mere talent. >> I know. But you said this wasn't. pimping. I don't know. What was What did. pimping have to do? >> They were pimping you. >> I think if you're [laughter] Yeah, true. I think anything where you're like. making money off a woman who's doing. like sexual acts could be deceived that. way. I don't know. >> Not if you're the oil boy, >> right? [laughter]. >> Yeah. You got the job on set. >> The oil boy is crazy. >> But nah, bro. You're not cold enough for. this pimping life, bro. [laughter].

>> I can never pimp. I really could never. pimp. >> I wasn't made for it, dude. >> I was not cut out for it. >> I ain't cold enough. >> You got to bring the ice, dude. You got. to be the ice guy, too. >> The ice. >> Yeah. Like nipples not hard enough. >> That's why Iceberg Slim Iceberg Slim got. his nickname. He used to shoot Coke and. it made him the coldest [ __ ]. [laughter]. >> He would just shoot Coke and just be. cold to hose. >> Yeah. >> [ __ ] His scams to get women to like he. would call like just hump it. >> He would get you get one bottom [ __ ]. and you get her and you're building. I. think it's called a chili pimp. When you.

only have one hoe, you're just a little. you're a low down chili pimp. So what. you do is you have your bottom [ __ ]. She's humping it pretty good for you, but you need more money. >> So then you start writing letters to. yourself and spraying them with perfume. and you tell her you got another [ __ ]. up. >> Now you're an Applebee's pimp. >> Yeah. Well, you're faking the funk. So. you're going you're you're like sending. yourself money and act like acting like. you're doing Western Union yourself. Okay. >> And you're tricking your bottom [ __ ]. It's kind of [ __ ] up as your bottom. [ __ ] but you start being like, I got. this other [ __ ] upstate. She's making. double what your worthless ass is. making. Then you just start like. ruthlessly beating her with a clothes.

hanger. And then it motivates her to be. to outdo this other lady who doesn't. exist. >> And then she makes you enough money so. you can actually get another [ __ ]. >> And not only is it 1940s50s wire. clothing [laughter]. [ __ ] hurt. >> Yeah, he was he was a ruthless guy. I. still his autobiography might be one of. the best books. I mean it's [ __ ]. evil, but it's one of the best books. Pimp by Spiceber Slam. >> All right, guys. Please, please, please.

I beg of you. I'll be doing standup uh. August 7th and August 8th. San Jose, California. Come on, guys. Ticket sales. Oh boy. Now, every everywhere else is. looking decent, but San Jose, California. I get it. It's not great. It's summertime. Um but if you want to. come, come. August 13th and 14, Spokane, Washington. And then I'll be in. Portland, Maine, Boston, Massachusetts, Royal Oak, Michigan, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Charlotte, Jacksonville, Atlanta, Chattanoo, Chattanooga, Fort. Lauderdale, Tampa, Orlando, and a bunch.

of other places. Guys, go to. mattcusker.com. to get tickets. I'll be touring all. through December. Uh, I'm in uh Columbus, Ohio, August. 13th. Uh, Jainsville, Wisconsin, August. 14th and 15th. And a big show in. Philadelphia at Nexon Line, August 7th. So, please pull up to any of those. Uh, Denver. Denver in September. >> What? Oh, yeah. And uh, we'll creek in. the cave tonight. Put the time machine. on. Let's go. And, uh, check out. Do-Aging the Deer Tag and Digital. Bazooka. Love you guys. Thank you.

>> Hey guys, it's Sean Gardini and. >> Laair Lee. >> Uh, me, Sean Gardini. I'll be at Good. Nights comedy club Thursday, August. 27th, and then Charleston, South. Carolina, Witzand, uh, August 28th. through and the 29th. So, please come to. that. Please come to Optimum Noctis Joke. World Fest, please. Please. Thank you. And La Mer Lee. >> Hey, I'll be in Savannah, Georgia, July. 31st. Uh, Harrisburg, Boston, Bridgewater, Vermont, Portland, Maine,

the Bell House in Brooklyn, Dojo Comedy, Joke Girl Fest. Please come hang out, you guys. It's going to be a lot of fun. All right, thank you guys for listening. Have a good night. >> How many uh So, how many did he end up. getting? >> He got a whole gaggle of hoes. >> He had a whole He had a whole bunch of. hoes. Eventually, once you got that. bottom [ __ ] humping for him for real. and he got enough money to get himself a. nice car, then he got a lot of the hoes. And then once you It's like they're like. magnets. Once you have two hoes, getting. the third one's easier, then the fourth. one's easier, >> right? >> But going from one to two, that's the.

real tough. >> That's a real pimp's quest. >> They always say making your first. million's the hardest. >> Hey, that's exactly like [laughter]. >> Yeah, that's that's how I've heard I've. only I've only ever personally read. about pimping. Yeah, >> but I knew a guy who was like hanging. out with a pimp. It was just weird. It. was like this dude I knew. Yeah, he just. got on the drugs and he was just like. and I could tell because we were hanging. out. He's like, "Dude, I'm going to hang. out with this guy. He's a pimp, but he's. pretty cool." And I was like, "Okay, you're definitely back on drugs.". [laughter]. >> Dude, Naimm's cousin is a pimp. And he. brought him to Raven Lounge one time.

>> I kind of remember hearing about that. >> And he uh he was just outside like. telling my boy Ben Stab who I very funny. comic that I used to live with. He uh. the this guy was just outside raving. telling Ben he's like, "Yo, you trying. to get your dick sucked tonight?" And. Ben's like, "Fuck yeah, I am." And then. the guy's like, "All right, I'll be. right back." And he brought this. prostitute up to Ben and like expected. Ben to give him like 300 bucks. Ben's. like, "What? I'm not I don't [laughter]. the guy went and got naive. He's like, "Yo, you got to get your [ __ ] man. before you get smoked out here." Like he. was going to kill Ben for the offer of a.

>> just for being honest. Like obviously I. want to get my dick sucked [laughter]. tonight. I thought we were just broing. down. Also, it kind of sucks if a guy. comes up like you trying to get your. dick sucked. I'd be like, "What's it to. you, brother?". >> Yeah. >> [ __ ] none of your business. >> Well, Ben Ben was like a young man at. the time. I think he was like 22, 23. So, he was like just brighteyed, bushy. tailed, new to the city. And he's like, >> it's like Pinocchio. Full. >> Pinocchio. >> Yes, sir. I'd love to get fellio. >> Get sucked up. [laughter]. >> Yes, sir. I'd love to get my penis. sucked. >> Do you two?

>> The guy was like, I'll [ __ ] kill you. Don't give me money. [laughter]. >> Yeah, you can't. We did that. uh our. rugby team, we like were in DC and we. called a prostitute to our coach's room. We thought it was funny, but the that. was apparently [clears throat] a thing. The pimp was outside and the pimp was. none too. >> Yeah, they're not cool at all. >> We can't just have hoes being driven. around. >> Yeah, >> someone's got a We thought it was just a. funny prank, but he our our coach was. [ __ ] furious. >> cuz we we basically incurred a pimp's. wrath against him. >> He was just like, "What the [ __ ] are you. guys doing?" [laughter].

>> He was so mad. >> That guy was the He was the best. >> You could have got him killed. Yeah, we. we should have done that. We were w when. we saw I'll never forget it was me and. like four or five other people on my. team just watching the car pull up and. these two women who were obviously. prostitutes get out. We were just like, "Oh my god, >> he was [ __ ] angry.". >> I uh I remember when Back Page was. popping. This is in like 2014 to like. 16. That was my Back Page era. >> Didn't Trump shut it down? >> Yeah. >> Or Trump's Trump's admin shut down Back.

Pages. I'm pretty sure. >> Yeah. shut down around around that time. cuz I think like 2016 was the last time. I was uh. >> definitely wasn't Obama's freaky ass. >> on the page. [laughter]. >> It was uh it was such a cool time cuz. like you'd get on this website and it. was like Craigslist and then you you'd. buy it and then the person would show up. and they almost every time looked. nothing like they did in the pictures. and you go, "Well, I'm already here and. I know there's a guy with a gun in the. parking lot. [laughter] I kind of got. who am I to complain right now?". >> True.

>> True. Let me not be rude, >> dude. We had to be rude. >> We had this lady come uh cuz my friends. from upstate New York, they used to come. down and see me all the time in Philly. because back page was a thing. And they. were like, "We're going to just come. down for a weekend, chill at Drew's. apartment. [laughter]. >> Back page.". >> So my friends would come down and uh. >> they I'd let them all like sleep on the. couch or whatever. It'd be like a car. full of bros just coming down to get. back page [ __ ] And I [laughter]. remember one time my friend Casey, he uh. they had an early flight out of the.

Philly airport. So that this lady came. over and whatever happened and I went. out in my living room the next day and. all the bros were gone and there were. two uh footprints on my ceiling, like. muddy shoe prints on the ceiling. And I. called Casey and I go, cuz I know he was. the one that [ __ ] the lady in the. living room. I go, "How the [ __ ] did you. guys get footprints on my ceiling?" He. just started laughing hilariously and he. hung up and he's still never told me. >> I don't I don't know how it happened. >> Like a standing 69 [laughter] or. something.

>> How high is yours? >> They maybe like 8 foot, but like I don't. know if you'd get her up on Yeah, they. were a little shorter than these ones. >> That's crazy. >> Yeah, it was still like I have no idea. what sex move could have been done where. a woman's feet hit the ceiling. >> May I suggest a move? >> Yeah, [laughter]. move. You got them up like here. But to. keep her balance, she has boots on cuz. she's not quite tall enough to have her. hands. >> But what are you? You're eating her ass. from behind while she's. >> Yeah. I don't even I don't even believe. this. There's like There's no way.

>> Power bomb position. She's up here. >> Yeah, but from what on top? You'd have. to be on a bunk bed, dude. >> What do you mean? No, I'm saying you. hold her up. >> and. >> like you're standing up. [laughter]. No, >> bro. I like I like the dirty work boots. that she has on in the store. [laughter]. >> Having sex with sneakers. >> I think the shoes probably got thrown at. the ceiling. That's honestly the more I. think about it, like the older I get, I'm like, it had to have been that and.

they're [ __ ] with. >> But wait, did it look like this? Like. were they like both in a row? >> They were right next to each other where. feet would be. >> Yeah. So that's like that's like the. throws. >> Unless he like went up there and like. stamped them and was like this will be. funny. Like. >> that seems more likely. There's no way. he got back page [ __ ] that high off the. ground. [laughter]. >> They're they're terrestrial creatures, dude. They're not [ __ ] They're not. acrobats. [laughter]. >> Select. >> Yeah. >> They can get out of like a car and like. walk in a semi-straight line to a front.

door. That's about as it's about as far. as [laughter] I didn't even think about. that. They're not aerial at all. >> No, not like you try to do what for $80. [laughter]. lift me up in the [ __ ]. >> You'd have to talk to the [ __ ] hunter. bite [ __ ] like that. [laughter]. >> You go out to the pimp, you're like, "You mind if I lift her up in the air?". >> True. Yeah. The pimp would get all Osha. on you like you can't get her four feet. off the [laughter] ground. You got attach to a carabiner. >> Yeah, [laughter]. >> that'd be pot coming at you.

>> It's purple. >> Yeah, dude. The uh that is very funny. Back pages is incredibly funny. Shut. down. just got all shut down. >> You guys remember Plenty of Fish? >> Plenty of fats, I used to call it. [laughter]. >> Yeah, I remember Plenty of Fish. >> Yeah, I don't know. >> Plenty of fish was sweet. >> It Yeah, >> cuz you know why? Cuz you could just. chat. You could just be like, "What up?". right away. >> Yeah. [laughter]. >> And it would just generate like a text. message. >> Yeah. >> Plenty of fish was a kind of like a. Tinder before Tinder, right? >> Yeah. >> Yeah. Well, you could you didn't you. could match you could chat without.

matching basically. >> Oh, okay. >> So, it was just like it would it was. just a blank canvas. You could just Hey, hey, hey. rather than waiting for the match. >> Yeah, it was perfect at Craigslist. >> It kind of was [laughter]. just a lot of where you froms. >> Yeah, Plenty Plenty of Fish [ __ ] kind. of ruled honestly. >> Yeah, >> I liked Plenty of Fish. >> Well, there was one uh I saw a. documentary about one of the dating. sites where it was like for married. people and they got exposed. >> Oh, Ashley Madison. >> Yeah.

>> Yeah. >> Yeah, that seemed like a. >> that was like the affair dating site. I. I went on a plenty of I think it was a. plenty of fish date one time and I. [snorts] like it was truly like I mean. there's obviously people look a little. different in their pictures. This person. must have gained like 80 pounds. >> Like they were unrecognizably obese and. I and I like showed up at their parents'. house. >> Yeah. >> So I was going to be [ __ ] rude. So I. was like, "Yeah, come on. Let's go." And. we had we just like drove around all. night and like ate pizza. [laughter]. It's up in like it was like a [ __ ] up. area, too. >> Sounds like a pretty good date, though.

>> It was. It honestly honestly was pretty. chill. She took me [laughter] through. what is it? Huntington Park, I think. >> Yeah. >> And was just like showing me all the. street walkers and like this is nothing. but street walkers up here at night. time. We [snorts] just like watched the. street walkers. >> Pretty cool. We sat in my car and just. chatted. >> Yeah. [laughter]. >> Did a shot like with her family before I. left and was like, "This is [ __ ]. crazy.". >> Yeah. >> She was big. >> Yeah. >> A big lady. And I was. >> It was almost such It was such a. different picture. They almost respected. it. I was like, "All right, this. [laughter] is.

>> You pulled a caper on me, >> dude." Yeah. I've gotten one of those. two where you show up and they're like, "Hot lady, that's old man Jenkins.". >> Wasn't Hey, [laughter] I wasn't even. going for hot. I was going for like. pretty run-of-the-mill. >> You pulled a Scooby-Doo mask offer. [laughter]. >> I would have got away with it if it. wasn't for you meddling kids. >> I I didn't, Dude, I didn't have the. heart to in front of the family. I was. like, "Come on, let's go, babe. Let's. Let's get out of here.". >> I had one of those one time, but this I. stopped using like Tinder and all that. [ __ ] years ago cuz I was just never good.

at it. I'm not good at like even if I. match with somebody I don't know what to. say. See that was my my my way with. words was my strongest. >> No I'm better with the m I used to love. my my mental games on Tinder were just. it was no one stood a ch I mean most. people stood a chance but [laughter]. >> my I would I would always just send just. a regular I wouldn't try to overthink it. be like hey or whatever. They didn't. respond. I would go you have 72 hours to. respond before I fall into the arms of. another. Dude, I got a I got a friend. Uh he's.

black. Uh he he has a he has a thing. when he match with white girls on. Tinder. He'd go, "What about Jasmine?". And they'd be like, "What's that?" And. they go, "The name of our daughter.". [laughter]. >> I would do I would do nothing but mind. games the whole time. Just be like, "Dude, [laughter] honestly, I I wouldn't. even I would go, I am I'm grieving the. fact that we're not hanging out, and I. just I'll be here, but not [laughter]. forever. I won't wait forever for you. my heart can only take so and I would. just say the dumbest [ __ ] and it wor and.

it's dude honestly I remember Tinder. >> you would get nothing nothing nothing. nothing and then right around Thursday. Friday that's when women started having. their wine after work it's little like. and then [snorts] they start then all. the responses came right around like. this almost the same time. >> being like oh the the old yepy the old. yepies are getting brave. >> like the girl minds just activated. >> the girl mind activates on like Thursday. Friday. >> they're they can't even Monday Tuesday. Wednesday they can't even Thursday. they're. >> [laughter]. >> Thursday they go, "Hm." And then Friday. they go, "I think I'm going to hang out.

with this guy." [laughter]. >> I I swear to God, it's like a a trend. >> No, you're right. >> They do like center city sips. I'm doing. center city sips with my friend talking. to a guy on Tinder. Can't be bothered. Unless I'm I mean, I'm sure if you were. like 6'7, they'll respond. They talk to. all the six foot five guys on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, right? [laughter]. >> And if none of them, then they reply. reply to the subhumans such as myself. Sub six humans. [laughter]. >> Week the weekends are for sub six.

>> I guess he's all right. [laughter]. They have wine goggles on Tinder. Like. that's all right. He's an inch taller. than me. That'll be fine. I won't wear. tall heels. >> I went through my whole life not knowing. height was a thing for God. Like I. didn't know even women cared about. height until I was like 31. >> Really. >> got through my whole life. I didn't. never even thought about it. >> How' you How'd you miss that? I just. never even thought about it. Never it. never was brought to but I mean I'm I'm. like I'm not super short but I'm by no. means tall at all. And my whole family.

is like way taller than me too. >> But I never even like it wasn't until I. was on those apps like must be six feet. and over must and I was like. >> the hell's that about? I like looked. into it. I'm like oh that's like a. desirable trait. I didn't even know. I. had just didn't know. >> Didn't know. It had something to do with. like dominance and being protected. I. think ladies are stupid. [laughter]. It's all like ancestral [ __ ]. >> Yeah, I I think so. I think it is. I. mean, tall guys, by the way, get paid. more, right? >> On average, tall guy. There's a there's.

a uh height wage gap as well. >> I'm about to get one of those knee. surgeries. [laughter]. >> Lim length limb length. >> Leg lift. Yeah, leg lift. >> You [ __ ] get paid so much. [laughter]. >> The problem with the limb lengthening. surgery is it's it's a they'll never. figure out how to do it like. proportionately. Yeah. >> You know what I mean? If I had six more. inches of legs, I think that would just. make me look [ __ ] weird. [laughter]. You know what I mean? Like, why is his. torso and head so small and arms? Like, and then I got to go back at it the year. later and do the arms and like.

[laughter]. 6' three with like a 21 in. >> legs. Yeah. I look like a giraffe with. no neck. >> Yeah. I think the most I think you can. only get like a couple inches at a time. Pause. >> Like two, three. >> Pause. Pause. >> Yeah, I think you can only get like. Yeah. >> Heyo. >> I don't think you can go like super I. mean that that'd be cool. I mean, I. would just go full prosthetic at that. point. It's like just metal [ __ ]. splints in my legs and back up. >> I think that'd be the move, too, because. then you can uh. >> I don't know. There's so many like more. lies you could get away with with. prosthetics. If you're just a guy with.

like goofy long legs for no reason and. [snorts] scars and be like, "The [ __ ]. wrong with him?". >> Dude, idealistically, I want wheels that. turn into legs, >> right? >> Hold on. You're trying to be a. transformer? >> Yeah. [laughter]. No, I feel I said right like I. understood you and I do. >> Dude, >> I go, "Yeah, >> be optimist sub prime." [laughter]. >> Dude, >> I was just thinking about it, dude. Wheels. >> You want wheelies for feet.

>> Well, yeah, cuz then like you could go. fast and it could slow down. >> Bro, if you rolled up on a chick with if. you wheeled up, [laughter]. >> they would they would [ __ ] freak. But. then like it transforms into legs. >> and then you you wheel up like regular. stature and then you go. and then you just tower over. [laughter]. [snorts]. >> Yo, Naim Naim asked me this the other. day and I think it's the greatest. question I've ever been asked. Would you. uh would you be 5 foot three for the. rest of your life if you had Vince.

Carter's full dunk package? >> Yeah. Like you can do [ __ ] 360 under. the legs windmills. >> Stick my arm in there. >> But you're 5'3. >> How long do I have it for? >> Forever. >> Forever. >> Yeah. You know, you never lose it. >> You have the bunnies forever. Bunnies. don't go anywhere. >> I'm going bunnies. >> I'm [laughter] big. But this is the. easiest choice I've ever had to make. >> If I'm 53 everything. [laughter] I don't. know. I would decline. I I might decline. that. I I I have I'm going to hit with. this scenario. So if you This is one I. always think about. So, if you were.

with, say you had a wife or a. girlfriend, for every 10 pounds she. gains, it unlocks a new freaky act, like. something you've never even thought of. or done. How deep into that? How heavy. would she get? >> Well, what else can. >> It's just mind. It's another. mindblowing. >> It is a mindblower. >> How where is she starting? Like, is she. a slim is she a slimy or is she like. kind of thick already? >> That's a good question. Let's say let's. say she's average weight, you know, like. let's say like just a little bit of a. thicky, not nothing crazy.

>> Okay. Like my question is though, >> also it doesn't the question is how deep. would you go if she could be skinny as. hell and you would just keep going and. going and going because you want to. unlock the next level. >> because there I guess there is infinite. possibilities, but it's also like I. guess after like a woman who's now 10. pounds heavier eats my ass one time, am. I going to be like now I got to see what. the next thing, you know what I mean? >> I mean it could be a double [ __ ] She. could invite a fat friend, >> but then. >> so it would just it's a whole universe. talking. friend have to be fat. >> Like friend have to match the weight or.

can you get her so freaky she starts. bringing house? >> That's up to your fat wife to decide. I. said. >> you don't know. That's the problem. It's. literally Pandora's box. >> I think once she gains 500 lb, we're. like 50 freaky acts into the the. substance. Then that's when like the the. fine [ __ ] starts coming out. She brings. around skinny hot chicks again. >> and does like uh And when like uh if you. make if you help her lose weight, does. she like stop doing that act? >> Oh, damn. >> Yeah. Yeah. For every pound you go down. and it's just a one time thing. It's. just like a new thing. She.

>> No, cuz if a if a lady just has loose. skin and she's not a freak, then what's. the point? You know what I mean? I'll. keep her fat. [laughter]. >> Keep a freaky act in itself. That's. >> She could suffocate you with it. >> That'd be nice. Yeah. Well, I guess this. is also. >> you could kill like Superman put. nanobots down your throat. [laughter]. >> By the end of this scenario, I'm just. going to be in a [ __ ] suit with a 500 lb. wife [laughter]. squish. I dude, when I worked for Verizon, I did. a door to door Verizon sales for a. little bit. another job that I just quit.

and didn't tell anybody. But um I was. doing I met a dominatrix one time and. she told me that uh dude she was like. the biggest ugliest not being mean to. ladies but she's a rough looking woman. And uh she told me that she made like. thousands of dollars a day just like. beating the [ __ ] out of CEOs and like. sitting on them and like stepping on. their balls. And uh I didn't believe her. at first cuz she was so rough looking, but she got like the full Verizon. package. She got like [ __ ] 200 speed. internet, like five cable. >> box. She got the 2 gigabytes and shot.

you the hell. [laughter]. >> The [ __ ] had like six cable boxes. I. said, "Damn, she getting money.". >> You can't You want HBO? She said, "Yeah, give me HBO." I said, "Damn, she. probably be stepping on dudes's dicks.". >> Yeah, that's crazy. >> That uh they they do that. The. dominatresses definitely. I I'm real. into financial domination. >> And dumb. >> When they just Yeah. When they just go. like, "Give me your money, you [ __ ]. bitch." And you're like, "Oh, [ __ ]. yeah.". >> You do it? [laughter]. >> No. I would never. >> No. >> But it just makes me laugh to be. financially dominated. So [ __ ] funny. cuz you were the last time you were. single, you were poor, right?

>> Yeah. >> Yeah. All right. >> Hold on. No, I should take that back. I. was I was always kind of balling on the. low. >> Okay. >> So, but I had I had ups and downs for. sure. >> Yeah. So, when when you were single, was. there ever like a scent moment where a. lady told you to send her money and you. just did it with no reward? >> Uh yeah, there was a time I've. definitely I would fall into this at the. strip club every now and again where you. would just like you'd have a stripper. come by and be like, "Oh, this and. that." And then club, can I have 100? Well, I'm saying after the fact. >> Okay. >> We would meet outside. Uh, >> but she would be like, I remember I. would like give one thing to that. Like. if it was like, oh, can I have 100 bucks.

the first time? Like, okay. And then. after that, like, nah, you're out of. here. >> I remember a lady sent me her Venmo one. time. I DM'd her and she just sent me. her like a screenshot of her Venmo and I. I was like kind of drunk when I did it, but I sent her 20 bucks thinking like. this will move the needle. And then. [laughter]. she did it. She just double tapped or I. said I think like something like just. send it and then she just like double. tapped that and we never spoke again. [laughter]. Dude,

>> I was thinking about. >> so funny thinking about strip clubs cuz. like. >> do you just get horny at a strip club to. go home and [ __ ] your wife? Like is that. like it? Like what do you mean? >> No. Well, dude, there's hopefully you. get jerked off or sucked in there. >> There's there's a bunch. So there's like. >> it's all about the different strippers. Some of them are there just to dance and. they're all above board. Then there's. the ones that are kind of tricky and. hoing. But yeah, you're going to get. like stroked by the girl that's been. stroking guys all day. >> I That's the plan. Yeah. >> Yeah, [laughter].

>> that's exactly the plan. >> Kind of something like that. >> You don't think about the other guys. But yeah, >> cuz they make you think like it's only. you. That's the whole thing. >> But then there So there's there's the in. club. Then there's the other level where. they're like they'll get you to be like, I like you. Let's hang out outside. And. they will hang out outside and they'll. slowly start seeing how much money they. can get out of. I can't I can't I I. can't fall trapped to the strip club. matrix. It doesn't work on me. >> Really? >> Yeah. It doesn't work on me. >> Not at all. >> Not at all. I just go. >> True. [laughter].

>> Phil strapped in. >> I go, "Leave me alone." [laughter]. >> No, there's a there's a world there like. a lot of strippers have like very casual. old guy boyfriends that are just sending. them tons of money and it's like I think. they'll give them like a taste once. >> Yeah. Yeah. >> And then be like, "Ah, my [ __ ] car, blah, blah, blah, blah." You have like. four or five of those guys and you just. keep getting new ones and new ones. >> Yeah. The sugar daddy cycle. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. I I don't even look at their. tattoos. Like I try not to look at the. Cuz like uh sometimes they might have a.

tattoo that's something I like and you. go, "Oo." And they like, "No, that's a. trick. [laughter] That's a part of the. whole [ __ ] game.". >> Yo, is that a Naruto tattoo on your. [ __ ]. >> Bank account completed. How? So, do you. go to strip Have you been to a strip. club. >> in recent eras or recent times? >> Yeah. >> So, what do you do when you go there? You just sit there like a very solid. >> I'll sit outside and look at my phone. just like drink. >> Yeah. Or I'll sit at the bar. >> Yeah. >> Yap. >> And be like, "Get out of here now.".

>> What about when they cuz they come. around, [laughter]. >> the strippers come around and they'll. try and like bring you to the back. So, if one approaches you, what are you what. are you saying? >> I'm okay. >> Yeah. Me and La mayor posted it up pretty hard. one time at the strip club and they. would come up and try to get money. We. would go, "We don't have any more money. They used to leave us alone. [laughter]. >> We were just watching videos on our. phone and hanging out in [laughter] the. back.". >> How did they respond? They just huffed. away.

>> They were kind of They just stopped. They stopped showing up. >> Yeah. They get mad. >> We gave all our money to the first lady. and then we like, "Oh, [laughter]. we forgot. We set a trap. Now they all. think we're gonna have money. >> Oh, it's so funny. >> Well, you can't just hand her like 40 $1. bills in a stack. You got to like make. them rain and [ __ ]. >> Yeah, that was our mistake. >> Yeah, [laughter] you just did like a. transaction. You paid it like it was. rent. >> We baldled it up like a snowball. It. just drew [laughter]. the first one. >> You can also chill and just be like, I. don't have any money. I'm sorry. Yeah,

>> but I wish I had if I had it, I'd give. it to you, babe. >> You know, I remember one time I went to. Shuklo. tried to hand Oh, this when I I. Yeah. I I went uh to strip club and I. like tried to give a lady a dollar and. she was like, "Throw it at me.". [laughter]. And I was like, "What? I don't want to do that. Take this." [laughter]. >> That's crazy. >> Yeah. >> Guy eat Giana Michaels spit. >> Yeah. Off the crazy. Like she like was. deep throw a knife. >> Jen Philly.

>> She She. >> Damn. You guys are called the Janna. Michaels. Yeah, [laughter] we she was in town. We. had to get tickets. >> And Sophie D. Michael and Sophie D. >> Oh my god. She was outside of the like. the Harrisburg comedy zone. [laughter]. >> So she she she was like deep throwing. like a night stick and then when she. pulled it out of her mouth, just a bunch. of like drool came out with it. Dude was. in front of the stage dragged his finger. through it and then just like put it put. it right [laughter] in his mouth. He's. probably dead now. >> Yeah. That that's the thing. It's like.

you think you're horny. There are horny. [ __ ] [laughter] dudes out there. I. saw the same thing as show and tell in. Philly. I remember they had their live. dildo show at midnight Saturdays. [laughter]. >> That's a good time where they where they. put the double in and they [ __ ] each. other with it. >> Well, they also they're like [laughter]. visibly heroin addicted ladies. They're. they're just like meth faces. It's. really a very sore sight. >> They all smell like Red Bull for some. reason. >> Dude, you guys are promoting. [laughter]. >> It's a very sore sight. And I remember. this lady was like jamming herself and.

then she would take it out and like wave. it in the crowd and every dude was like, "Yo, whoa, [laughter] whoa, dude. For. real, dodge dodging it like a [ __ ]. lightsaber." Everyone's like, "God damn. [laughter] it, don't don't touch me with. that." And there was one guy, dude. I He. was this drunk older guy and he was just. like, "I'll [ __ ] I'll [ __ ] suck that. thing right now." [laughter] And I. remember we were like, "No, you [ __ ]. won't." He's like, "Give it to me. I. [ __ ] suck that thing right now. [laughter]. I'll [ __ ] lick it. I'll lick that.

thing. And we're like, "Oh no.". But he was like actively trying to. [ __ ] get the juices off. I'm like, "Dude, like a for real crack at old. prostitutes." It was It was like sad. [laughter] And I remember being like, "Dude, no.". Yeah. There's guys out there that will. [ __ ] go to town. [laughter]. >> Like doesn't even hold a candle. >> Yeah. No shame at all. >> Yeah. >> No, it's not. It's like not even close. [laughter].

>> It's so funny. >> Yeah. I remember seeing that guy. He was. so so [ __ ] funny. >> Show and tell is nuts. >> It's closed now, right? >> Yeah. Show and tell used to have uh they. would have the 18 and up side or like 21. and up and then 21 to 18 side. And all. all that was separating was just like. glass panes so you could see through it. And we brought my brother because I. remember I looked up like 18 and up. strip clubs and uh show and tell came up. but I didn't realize they were. separated. So I brought my brother to. show and tell when he was 18 and uh it.

was me and my cousin and like a couple. of my other friends sitting on the other. side like just having the time of our. lives looking. >> section I think. >> Yeah. >> We were looking at like the double-sided. dildo show and like we're all like this. is awesome. And then uh we saw my little. brother was like uh pressed up against. the glass just looking through. [laughter] just so sad. He's drinking. sodas by himself. He's like, "I want to. come see the double dildo show.". [laughter]. >> Like, Luke, you stay over there, dude. >> He's a puppy in a window. [laughter].

>> Yeah, that that place was like complete. mayhem, man. [snorts] Show and tell. I I. don't think there will be anything else. like that. >> No, >> there was this uh strip club like right. outside of Ron called Buck Rubs. >> Buck. >> It was Bob O. And there used to be this. like fat black lady there who she didn't. get like a lot of tips for dancing, but. the way she used to make her bread was. she was just had these giant titties and. you would give her like ones and you. would just point people out in the strip. club and she would just go up on the. side of them and just boom just like. smack and jackass three [laughter].

dudes out from behind. >> Do you ever was candy if I remember. right? >> Really? Do you ever see the uh you ever. see a show like a not like a birthday. party or a bachelor party at show and. tell when they would like take the guy. up and beat his they would beat the. guy's ass like they would like really. hurt you if you. >> that happened to me on my the day I. graduated from college we went not at. show and tell we went to this place. called just enough in Bridgeport and uh. names are so funny. >> we called it the boot cuz it was a giant. [ __ ] like uh light up boot outside of.

it but yeah they told they told the. strippers they were like he just. graduated from college and I was like I. I don't want to [ __ ] do this. I don't. want to. And my cousin was like, "Nah, they'll be cool with you. It's just like. a lap dance, mind you." Like my mom and. my dad were in there. It was [ __ ]. weird. And then uh they brought me to. this [ __ ] chair on the stage and they. handcuffed me behind me and just started. beating me with belts. >> Yeah, that's what they do at Show and. Tell. >> I was freaking out. I was like, "Stop. Stop." It was embarrassing. [laughter]. It was more embarrassing like spazzing. than getting beat. >> That's That's exactly what they do at. show and tell. They would just take your.

shirt off and they like dance on your. lap and they the guy would be hammered. just like and then they would take belts. and start like ruthlessly [ __ ]. beating you with belts. >> This was on the day I graduated, man. I. was like proud. I was like I'm the first. male in my family to get a degree and. they go let's [ __ ] get him beat by. strippers. Let's put. >> Dude, those ladies would put [ __ ] ass. into it. I mean, you got understand it's. like a very deeply frustrated single. mother. >> Yeah. [laughter]. >> Just [ __ ] just taking out all her. frustrations on like an 18-year-old. was. like. and they would people would freak out.

and like stop. >> Yeah, that was me. I was spazzing. >> Yeah, it's not funny. >> It sucks. >> Yeah. It's also like why what the [ __ ]. It's like it's like I get you know the. naked ladies, but there is a part of it. that's like Yeah, we want to see young. men get the [ __ ] kicked out of him, too. >> Yeah. >> See a young man get whipped until he. cries on his birthday at the strip club. [laughter]. I've never been into uh like on either. side. Whether it's like me inflicting. pain on somebody or like a woman like. trying to hurt me during sex, I'm out on. all of it. I I hooked up with this girl.

one time that like wanted me to like. slap the [ __ ] out of her. And it made me. so uncomfortable. I felt like I was. getting like tricked the whole time. I. was like, "Nah, like Chris Hansen's. going to come in here or something. Slap. her." Maybe not Chris Hansen, but like. the guy who does that for guys who hit. women. >> You w. Steve Wilos comes into my bedroom. >> How did you navigate that? Did you do. like any baby slaps or. >> I did and she was like, "Hit me harder. Hit me." She was like, "You're a [ __ ]. pussy." And then uh make you mad. >> I was just Yeah. I was like, "I'm not. going to I was like, you're baiting me. into this." And then I kind of just like.

politely came and was like, "We're not. going to do this anymore.". >> That's nice. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. I'm not into the rough stuff. I I. personally would, if I had to choose one. or the other, I would rather receive. pain than dull it out. Like a bite. I. wouldn't mind a little love bite. Personally, >> a bite's nothing. Yeah. Like a little. scratch, that's fine. >> Bite, scratches, all that. >> Don't [ __ ] choke me or slap me. That's insane. >> I've never been choked. I don't know if. I like it. I can't speak on it. >> Yeah. >> Getting also it's like I don't think a. girl could choke me. I'm not bragging, but I'm pretty sure [laughter]. I think. >> if I flex my neck veins, I genuinely.

don't think a girl could choke me if you. tried. [laughter]. >> Do you like being choked, La Mer? >> Uh, no. >> You're the choker. >> You do. Dude, >> you're the choker. >> No way. That wasn't for me. [laughter]. >> Wait, what's the dog collar? Uh, I don't know where it's at. >> How much respect do you think you get if. you walked a white lady on a dog collar. through the hood? >> Oh, it's a dream. >> And had her [ __ ] like pull at people.

like get [laughter] over bite the. mailman. >> Bring a rabbit snow bunny. That'd be so. nice. [laughter]. >> I might do that. >> Then you'll be pimp. Yeah. [laughter]. >> Then the whole hood will be talking. about he was walking a white girl. helicopter walk a white girl. [laughter]. There's like a dog walker where you have. like four dogs and one leash. That would. be so nice. just outside the mother ship with girls. on a leash. I mean. >> the pog walker [laughter].

walking the pog. >> That'd be a very sick rainb video. >> Yeah, the pog walker. >> You pog walked. >> dude. Yeah. >> On like Lancaster A in Philly. [laughter]. >> It would it'd be a [clears throat]. sensation. Make a rainb so funny. [laughter]. just walking girls being like, "Yeah, and see if I bet $10 on Koshi right. now.". >> I mean, dude, they would lose their. minds. >> Yeah, >> that would be I mean, it might be out of. respect, take off your Kangle. >> Yeah, >> the the best Rainbat videos Wait,

Rainbat is where it's like just a random. video and then promote. >> Yeah, dude. The best one I've seen is uh. there's this guy he uh the the Double. Dasher. Have you seen him? If you're off. the internet, you might not have seen. the Double Dasher, dude. He he gets. people to door dash to him and then uh. these people like bring the food up to. him and he grabs the the bag of food and. just punts it across the lawn [laughter]. and he goes, "You [ __ ] double dashed. me. You're playing in my face. I know. you're double dashing." And they all go, "What?" And then he he starts handing. them like thousands of dollars. He'll.

give them like a pile of money and then. it's always like some ridiculous [ __ ]. He'll like pull like a rubber chicken. out of his pants and be like, "You want. this?" And they're always terrified. But. when he when he punts the food, it's the. funniest [laughter] thing. He gets a. full bag of Wendy's and boom. People are. like, "Why'd you do that?" He's like, "You [ __ ] double dashed me [laughter]. >> and then he gives him money.". >> You know how insulting it is to watch. the one punt kick the [ __ ] thing you. made? It's $10 for you. That's $10 worth. of your time and you just watch the guy. punt kick. >> It might be less than that. Some I don't.

dash for three hours, dude. Sometimes. you get like four bucks per delivery. [laughter] It's. >> also that [ __ ] be scared. It'd be kind. of scary cuz you're like, "This guy's. going to shoot me now.". >> Yeah. >> This is the first thing you do. >> No, he he seems out of his [ __ ] mind. when you hear the videos. >> Yeah, dude. That's so crazy. You're. You're less valuable than the food. Like, if you work for Door Dash. >> True. >> Yeah, you better be cuz I'm not trying. to pay double on the food. Yeah, [laughter] you [ __ ] You have to be. I. just This is the way it works. >> It is funny. This is a person's time and.

you're like, "It's not worth as much as. like fried vegetable oil." [laughter]. >> Yeah. Well, Drew, I think we did it. This has. been fun, dude. >> Thank you, La Mer. >> Thank you very much. Sliding into the. Patreon. Well, we will. >> check out Derag and the Deer Tag Digital. Bazooka. >> Yes. Also, we're going to uh we're going. to follow up on the Outer Space thing. >> Oh, nice. >> I labored over it all week. >> Excuse me, I farted. All right. Bye. [laughter]. >> Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane. Secret podcast on Spotify. Do it.