Ep 621 - Landlubbers

The wild wild west. >> Hello. >> Hey. >> Hello. >> Comedy live on a bright and beautiful. Thursday. Wow, it's Thursday. Thursday. Thursday might be my favorite day new. favorite day of the week. >> Really? >> Yeah. What's that What's that about? I. love the week. >> getting ready for the weekend. >> I Here's the thing, reverse. I love the. week. >> Reverse. Reverse. >> Reverse. I The week is my new That's the. week's my [ __ ]. >> Yeah. >> The weekend is like it's cool. >> Cuz you're working on the weekend. >> I'm working on the weekend, exactly. But. the week. >> You way off in the deep end.

>> I am, man. I have my nice little routine. all week, Monday through Friday. My. routine, if you could just trap me in. glass and let me do my routine every. day, put me in the zoo. I'm fine. >> I'm so excited about my routine. As soon. as As soon as I woke up today. >> Jeff? >> Drove to Starbucks, hit the Xbox. Perfect. Perfect. I'm back. Keep an eye. See if the rents are back. >> I don't know if they are. >> Oh, no, really? >> Got in late last night. I don't know if. the rents are back. God knows what the mayor's done. He. probably ate them. >> Do you think he fried them up? >> That [ __ ] [ __ ] I don't know if. he Fry them, Adam. I'm not.

>> [laughter]. >> He's sneaking guys in for a bird fry? >> Yes. >> [laughter]. >> There's There's There's people here. >> You got to look out for little signs of. people's lawns might be advertising a. bird fry. >> [laughter]. >> I don't think he knew I was coming home. Door is locked. Uh he parked me in and. he was in Virginia. >> Dang. >> [clears throat]. >> Is he still in VA right now? >> he's down Virginia way. >> What a [ __ ] dick. >> Yeah. >> He parked [laughter].

Where is his keys? >> in and his keys. >> Under a pile of comic clothes. >> Yeah. It is at a lady's house. >> Oh, no. So you had to do So your routine. got disturbed. You had to go now run. unnecessary errands, dude. >> Yes. >> I'm I'm level 10 angry. As soon as an. unnecessary errand. disturbs sanctity of my routine, I am [ __ ] livid. >> Try to find my gamer chair. It's back at. his desk. Every monitor on. Game paused. >> Yo, got to leave for a week. Just leave.

[ __ ] on. That is tight though on on his. tour he can hold down. I paused my game. for this so. >> He did pause his game for this. >> He paused his game. Pausing your game. and leaving for 5 days is crazy. Like it's a Nintendo. >> auto resume dude. It'll go back. >> [laughter]. >> I know. >> He's just a [ __ ]. >> Christ. He paused his game for this. That's. crazy. 5-day pause. It's just it was probably it was. probably for real like $19 in. electricity just to hold.

just to hold his game. >> [laughter]. >> seven He's got monitors. There's like. three computer towers. I walk back there. I am a dad when I. walk back there. I'm furious. >> [laughter]. >> I walk back and go god damn look at all. this [ __ ] Electricity bill is going. through the [ __ ] roof. [laughter]. If the internet slow at all I blame him. Everything. He gets blamed for. everything. >> I remember my parents would bug on the. electricity. It was like once a quarter. they would. they [ __ ]. >> [laughter]. >> pasted it to the wall one time. I.

remember being like, "I don't give a. fuck." Like why are you acting like I. care? I remember it was on the wall near the. basement steps. Like you have to turn. off the basement lights. Yeah, just the electricity bill. I was. like, "Oh, okay.". Just 12 being like, "Whoa, holy [ __ ] I. should probably think about this.". >> Yeah, I thought I thought it was a. massive charge. >> [laughter]. >> It's for real got to be a dollar a. month. But it does piss you off when you go. turn the [ __ ] video game off. >> I know. That's crazy. >> But you couldn't you couldn't save back. then dude. You had to leave it on.

>> Yeah, he's running old programs and. [ __ ]. >> You Everybody was pausing their game for. this back in the day. >> That's [laughter] true. That's true. >> Who had a memory card? >> I know. And then there's you know if someone. erasing your your game off the memory. card but their game. That's that's. should be up there with treason. >> That is treasonous. >> It's crazy. >> That's treasonous. >> Yeah, Tony it happened to me. It still. to this day it's why I don't really play. video games like that. Red Dead. Redemption, it was a week I was a week. of hard work, 8-hour days. Someone erased my [ __ ] off my brother's. video game.

I remember I remember coming, checking, and being like. >> [snorts]. >> Yeah. >> Just being for like sad for like 3 days. and being like, [clears throat] "I'm. never opening myself up to that. possibility ever again.". >> Yeah. You have to shield yourself. >> Dude, 10% into Red Dead Redemption, he. erased That's [ __ ] 7 hours. >> [laughter]. >> The. So, this was yesterday I just got back. from Nashville. I went down there to. Tight End U. It was very nice. >> It's awesome. >> Um I was going to take [clears throat]. my nephew down to Texas's little kids.

camp, but then. Kittle was like, "Let him He can run. routes with us and work out." It was. >> It's awesome. >> wonderful. And man was out I took Phil. and Ant Man to Nashville. >> To the Tight End University. >> And. Yeah, it was But yesterday was the the. best part cuz we I flew back to Texas, they flew back to Harrisburg. Their. flight got delayed in Chicago about 5. hours, 6 hours. Phil and Ant Man, dude. He's 70. Ant. Man's 7 First off, I haven't hung out with a [ __ ].

7-year-old. I didn't know they didn't. shut the [ __ ] up for 1 minute. >> He's 7 now? >> Yeah. >> Yeah, yeah, dude. >> 7 and 1/2. Sure he won't. >> Yeah, yeah, you got to You got to check. that. >> 7 and 1/2, but. >> Bro, they don't They don't shut the [ __ ]. up once. >> No. I had headphones in and he just sits. across from me just talking to me. >> What was he droning on about? >> He He can't believe I'm famous. It's all. he talks about. >> [laughter]. >> And now that now that I'm Now that I'm. friends with a Cody Rhodes, he loves Cody Rhodes. >> [laughter]. >> Yeah, they pick one thing and it just.

>> Rhodes. >> [laughter]. >> And all day he just goes, "Uncle Shane, what do you think Cody. Rhodes is doing?" I'm like, [laughter]. "I don't know." He goes, "Have you met. Sami Zayn?". I'm like, "I don't [ __ ] I don't. know.". He said, "Have you met the Usos? The. Usos' brother? The Usos?" I'm like, >> [laughter]. >> "Yeah, I I think have. What they say? I don't know, they said hi. >> He said they're talking about you, man. >> I do say that. That's the. [clears throat] That's the biggest. mistake. I've made that. >> [laughter]. >> He's like, "Did they really? What they. say about me? When are they going to talk about me?

What do they say about me?" He doesn't. shut the [ __ ] up. And I was like, "Ant, talk to Phil.". And my dad was like, "Don't [ __ ] have. him talk to me." He was like, "Guys, [laughter] Ant, ask him about. the wrestlers.". >> [laughter]. >> He's [ __ ] 12 hours. >> He's just punishing you and telling you. >> Dude, it was non-stop, dude. >> [laughter]. >> Yeah, they won't stop. >> Yeah. >> They won't stop [ __ ] talking. I had a [ __ ] I had to cool down Maya. She was like, "Dude, I'm 6 and 1/2, right?" I'm like, "Bro, you're not even. [ __ ] close to 6 and 1/2. Don't don't. come at me like that. You're maybe 6 and.

a quarter, not even.". >> Definitely not 6 and 1/2. >> You're a couple months shy of 6 and a. quarter. Don't don't be acting. >> had that argument with a girlfriend. >> [laughter]. >> Yo, I'm 6 and 1/2, right? You're not. even close to 6 and 1/2. You're three, dude. >> [laughter]. >> A couple years ago I told the story. about how I once spent my last $9 on a. Bud Light during an Eagles game at the. Link. >> Ooh. >> I really did. I was sitting up there. It. was I was with Big Jay and Soder.

>> Oh, yeah. I was with Big Jay. >> with Jay's family in the upper decks. >> [laughter]. >> I had $9 on my card. I I got one Bud. Light. >> Dang. >> Uh anyway, my friends at Bud Light found. the clip. And since then, we've been. working on a way to bring this story. full circle when I perform at the Link. Uh after the show, fans 21 and over can. visit participating bars in Philly for a. Bud Light on us. Fans can visit bars in Packer Park, South Philly, Logan Square, Spring. Garden, and Center City after the show. for a Bud Light on us. >> Damn. Free Bud Light, dude.

>> Uh that's it. >> Nice. >> Yeah, but uh. >> That's so funny. >> two. Those two. >> Talking. is. >> Phil takes him to a bar. Ant-Man just sits next to him and ask I. mean Ant-Man is going through exactly. what I went through. >> [laughter]. >> And then I did it to Ant-Man. I took Ant to the bar and made him He. would just watch me drink. And I was like, "We're going to stay. till the end of this game, all right?". Halftime he was like, "Okay, can we. please leave?" I'm like, "Ant, just.

drink the Shirley Temple. >> [laughter]. >> Shut up.". I let him run around the bar. >> That's nice. >> don't even watch him. >> No. >> He's throwing [ __ ] He was There's They. had a pop-a-shot. He was just [ __ ]. launching balls around it. >> Yeah, you eventually do give up and just. let your kids just run around. You're. like, "I I can't I can't possibly. dedicate every single brain cell of. every second.". >> Somebody takes him, I'll I'll be in my. Liam Neeson [ __ ]. >> True. >> I'll get him back. >> You will. They'll only be taken for a little bit. You'll get them back.

>> Yeah, I mean it's also. I yeah, I get a There's a lot of Amber. Alerts down here. Despite it's every five [ __ ] day. >> are. >> Oh, dude. >> The lads hit the Amber Alert left and. right, dude. >> The foos, bro. >> The foos go wild with the Amber Alerts, dude. >> Dude, for real. So many Amber Alerts. >> know how much to say Amber in [ __ ] I. know it's a name, but it's also a color. >> Amber, I wonder how you do say Amber. Am battle. >> It's a good guess.

>> Yellow. Kind of like yellow, but for. >> Am bar. >> Am bar. Damn, the Am bars. >> The Am bar alert, dude. Am bar alert. >> Yeah, dude. I wonder what what's up with. the [ __ ] the. >> go wild, dude. >> Really hot potato with the ninos, dude. >> [laughter]. >> It's crazy. It's a real hot potato, dude. They just Also, it's like three cities. every day. Somebody in Houston takes. them headed down San Antonio way. They just [laughter]. [ __ ] bounce around that triangle.

My ninos. in the [laughter] [ __ ]. silver Nissan. >> I think that's what Do you ever the. spikes that come out of the rims? That's. probably to protect you. >> [laughter]. >> Do they have the arm bar? >> Yeah, people try to take your niños in. Houston. You're like, "No.". >> [laughter]. >> No, you can't get close to me. >> Yeah, the foo is [ __ ] off [laughter]. a potato with their niños. It's every [ __ ] 10 minutes. [laughter].

Yeah, they're just [ __ ]. >> [laughter]. >> [ __ ] yo, ladies and gentlemen, foo has. been taken. Everybody be on [ __ ]. guard, dude. There's a foo on the loose. >> [laughter]. >> Their car breaks down. >> [laughter]. >> Never seen that many [ __ ] Amber. alerts ever anywhere. Anyway, I I have heard abductions big. here, though. Yeah, so you got to watch your right. >> We can tell, dude. It's not. >> [laughter]. >> Well, it's also like, dude, like think. about it. If you're in the business of.

snagging kids and forcing them into. whatever kind of slavery you want, you're right at the finish line here. >> Yeah. >> 3-hour drive, you get the bag. Do you. know how [ __ ] easy it is to snag a. kid? You just said so yourself. If you I'm like, this is where you want. to do it, I'm saying. I wouldn't I think. it's terrible. >> Obviously. >> But this is you're right next to the. [ __ ] finish line. If you snagged a. kid in New York, how are you going to. Canada way? >> Ay, caramba. >> Ay, caramba, for sure. >> Good luck. >> But yeah, it's dude, I it's I'm telling. you, all the moms I talked to were.

always like, "I swear someone was. watching me. They chalked my tires in. the parking lot.". >> Yeah, we've talked to a lot. >> Yeah. I'm ready. I stay ready. I said, "Let it. happen.". It's one of my It's one of my many. fantasies. >> I can't wait to answer the phone and go, "Who is this?". >> [laughter]. >> I'm talking about stopping in progress. >> niña. >> Hold on. Let me sound the authorities. >> Every single [laughter] person just. goes, "God. >> Jesus Christ. Was it going to rain? Oh, a [ __ ] kid.". >> Yeah, oh, great. >> Jesus Christ, that is so loud.

>> Or did "There's a flood that 400 miles. away. Oh, okay. >> Which actually is stopping five amber. alerts temporarily, so. >> here that took those bombs. >> Wait, the bombs got taken? >> bombs got [ __ ] ate. >> No. >> Yeah, there's a like last year. >> What? They fell in. >> Wasn't it a couple. There was a flood here. There's someone came on the news. horrendous, but. >> some of the bombs fell into the lazy. river? >> I think a lazy [laughter] river took. some bombs.

Like there's a flash at lazy river like. there's a flash lazy river warning. and some of the bombs didn't get the. alert. >> [laughter]. >> No. >> He just while asleep just. >> No. That's not funny. >> [laughter]. >> It's It's It's not funny. >> something about. >> [ __ ] hilarious, dude. >> Being [ __ ] wasted and then waking up. in a river. >> [laughter]. >> Oh, [ __ ] it. >> [gasps]. >> I swear it's a. >> Oh, [laughter and snorts] having the. water creep up on the bombs is good.

>> I didn't I didn't hear about that. Some of the bombs washed up. >> I hope the bombs survived, but. >> Yeah, true. We need to get the water. >> got hit with it, yeah. >> Yeah, the Shoal Creek flooded in about a. year ago. >> Mhm. >> Uh four individuals experiencing. homelessness were caught in. a danger dangerous drainage culvert. >> Oh. >> So they got caught up in the in the. drainage. >> a lazy river. >> like Pennywise. >> Did they make it?

>> Um two were rescued. But a man and a woman. >> Damn, one turned into a ninja turtle. >> [laughter]. >> They found two. And then a man and a woman tragically. drowned. >> [laughter]. >> I'm just trying to. This is finding the silver lining. >> True. >> Cuz it is a tragedy. >> It is sad. >> You like to imagine they're lovers. maybe. >> Perhaps, yeah. >> Man. and. >> They died in the flood, yeah. Unfortunately, tragic.

>> Sorry. Well, peace and peace. >> Peace and peace to the bees. >> [laughter]. >> It is sad. >> [laughter]. >> Oh, man. That's heavy, dude. The fact that it was. a [ __ ]. >> [laughter]. >> getting sucked into the sewer. And then. just being being homeless and being. like, "Fucking life can't get any. worse.". >> [laughter]. >> "Oh, [ __ ] I'm getting flushed down the. toilet.".

I'm getting. literally. It's. >> [laughter]. >> [ __ ] crazy. >> [laughter]. >> It is. It is funny though cuz like there is. [snorts] you do you are You can be like, "Ah, you know, I can't handle this. I I. don't want to have anything to do with. society." But it's like there you have. to at least stay out of the waste. management system like the water. management system. Like you at least get. away from the storm water drains. You. know what I mean?

The It's It is It's It's a It's. everyone's responsibility to just watch. out for the storm water man. Don't be in. like one of the channels that could lead. you down the sewer. >> [laughter]. >> Like you got to do that at least. It's a lesson on personal. responsibility. >> [laughter]. >> But it's sad. >> [laughter]. >> That sucks, dude. Anyway. Oh. >> [snorts]. [laughter]. >> That's. nothing funny.

>> [laughter]. >> [ __ ] That's not good. >> [gasps]. >> Oh, but it Yeah, it's for sure. Somebody. getting flushed [laughter] down. >> Their day Their day must have been. [ __ ] hilarious. Must have been like screaming at. somebody on the street. Just "Fuck you, [ __ ]. I'll kill you, bitch." And [laughter]. then just. "Oh, shit.". >> You're making fun of me for having an. eye to homeless day the other day. >> [laughter]. >> That was kill me. You had a full [ __ ] bum day. Fell off my [ __ ] dirt bike, dude.

Right down to the white meat. Still, that was a week ago. That's nasty. Fell. off my [ __ ] bike, got chased by dogs, dude. >> [laughter]. >> It sucked. He tried to talk to Yeah, explain what happened unless you already. have. I talked about it last week, but. it was. Dude, I didn't I can't believe that. [ __ ] didn't rain, dude. >> [laughter]. >> It got you. I was primed up. I was. riding my bike along at Culver, too. That could have gotten bad. >> [laughter]. >> At least that [ __ ] bastard dog would.

have came with me. I would have [ __ ]. pulled him down. Like, you little You. betrayed me. I thought for sure the guy seemed. friendly. I'm like, here we go. I'm. going to flex with my. Just a couple of wild pitbulls outside. and I was like, hey, come on. It was. this before or after you fell off your. bike? After. So, you're bleeding. Bleeding. You go, it's time for me to. tame some wild pitbulls. Bleeding, did. get my pump. I did get my pump, though. After the bleeding? After the bleeding. A bloody pump. Bloody pump. You know I. like that. >> [laughter]. >> I'm not afraid to do that. >> [gasps]. >> I got a bloody pump.

And then I didn't go to the cold plunge. That would have been very disastrous. Yeah, I I was like, not doing that. So, that was I was you know, also, too, it. was like I don't want to attract any. sharks in the water. I [laughter] don't. want to see girls do that. I thought about it, dude. I I was. wondering that just. just getting the public gyms [ __ ]. Yeah. I was wondering about that the. other day if they do that. I I think. they They definitely swim. They. definitely do. They definitely swim with. their periods. That's, you know, talk. about that. The. >> [laughter]. >> Maybe some sort of check in the public.

pool, but the little checkpoint. >> [laughter]. [gasps]. >> Yeah, you just got to go You're being. [ __ ] mean to everybody. True. You know, it's really the Dude, I'm. telling you it's really the week before. Yeah. That's when Oh, boy. Meanie meanie. meanie before that. It's right before. the period, then the period they're just. like. >> [laughter]. >> Yeah, that weekly knob, you know, what. the [ __ ]. >> It's the weekly. >> And every time it surprises me. >> Mhm. >> And then there's always a moment I go,

"Oh, >> Yeah. >> that's what this is.". >> Yep. And then, you know, you're faced. with the. weird task where you have to be like, "You're in like a different dimension. and I can't go into this dimension with. you.". >> So, normally it's like, "You love when I. play Xbox all day.". >> [laughter]. >> "You love when I don't take you out on. dates.". "You love that I never left the house. and drank." [laughter]. >> Hit the date night yesterday, actually. >> Nice. Where did you go? >> Very hot date. Uh Pacino. >> Pacino? >> Pacino. >> You're kidding me.

>> Pacino after. >> Didn't get any Pacino, actually, now. that you say that. >> But we didn't. >> Must've been a good date that you. grubbed hard. >> We grubbed hard. >> Nothing worse than a [ __ ] grub date. >> Grubbed very hard. >> It's time to try to reproduce. >> Yeah, it was I was. >> condition to mate. >> I was not. >> I've been farty lately. I've been so. farty lately, dude. I've been [clears throat]. >> Farted me. >> I've been so I for real I've been so. farty. >> Farty next door, dude. >> [laughter].

[laughter]. >> Why have you been so farty? >> Dude, I've been going ham on protein. powder and I'm farting so [ __ ]. horrendous. >> I choose the farts. >> around when Rogie's [laughter] farts. It's crazy, dude. >> I pinned down the culprit. I'm like, "It's definitely four scoops of protein. powder a day and guess what? I won't. stop. It's just I've just become farts.". >> Are you have become Are you Are you. still cheesing? >> You mean a little dairy? >> Hitting the cheese? >> Yeah, I ate a little cheese. >> Cheese and protein? >> yesterday, yeah. Had a little lasagna.

Cheese protein combination. I'm trying. I'm waiting for my body to just get on. board with the [ __ ]. It's like, "Come on, guys. We could be. so powerful if we just kind of just. >> I I it makes you more powerful. >> I I think so. But, do. >> Protein and cheese farts? >> I have them It's crazy. Like ricotta. cheese isn't as bad, but yeah, if I have. some like shredded mots, oh my god. >> Oof. My doll. >> Oh my god, some cheddar. And I do it. I. I know it's coming. I go, it's going to be bad, but I'm going to. do it. So, yeah, I was the other day I was I.

was eating a burger. I said, "Oh, let's. cheese on it." She's like, "Just eat. it." And I looked at her and said, "All right.". >> You made your bed. You said it. Now, fart in it. >> You said it. >> [laughter]. >> I sent her a thing on Instagram. recently. I saw this cartoon. like an explainer video saying in. medieval times, I don't know if it's. true, but they said women. would fart around guys to let them know. like they liked them. It It showed that a woman was like. relaxing the strict kind of like. >> I think that kind of holds up. >> Yeah, I was you know, I sent it to her.

Just I don't even know why. I just like. fired it off to her. >> like that yawn? That koala yawn? >> I really like that. >> research on yawn last night on yawning. >> What happened? >> Well, I was watching a show or no, I was. reading. I was reading and it said yawn. And I yawned immediately. >> Yeah, that's you just. >> If you read about yawns, you yawn. >> Yeah. >> And I and I wanted to figure out what. was going on there. And nobody knows. >> What? >> really knows. >> That's [ __ ] up. >> Yeah. It's a contagious.

It's just a weird thing, yeah. >> Yeah, it is. It's. Animals do it, too. I've already You're not [ __ ] yawning. again. You [ __ ] What a yawn. >> Yeah, everyone's yawning. Everyone. listening to this is yawning now. >> [ __ ]. >> Dude. >> Oh, [ __ ] What a yawn. >> Oh, [ __ ] yawn. [laughter]. >> Oh, [ __ ] You're going to make me yawn. again. >> You can yawn from animals. You You can. look and see an animal yawn and then you. [ __ ] yawn. >> My dogs get me for sure. It's hilarious. Yeah, it's really. >> make your dog yawn. >> Hold on. So, there's no [ __ ] way I'm. actually. >> I'll tell you. I'll tell you about it. Cuz there's no real uh.

>> I thought it was one of those things. they could claim like mirror neurons or. some [ __ ] [ __ ]. >> What the What even is that, though? >> Exactly. They don't really know. >> Mirror neurons are the things that make. you. >> neurons. >> They make you copy people's face. >> you observe someone yawning, these. specific brain cells fire mirroring the. other person's. physical action and helping you. subconsciously empathize with their. state. Social bonding is nice. >> That's cool. >> Yawning is highly social. You are. significantly more likely to catch a.

yawn from a close friend or family. member than from a stranger, as it acts. as a subtle display of empathy and. connection. Sounds so [ __ ] lame to me. I don't. believe that. >> I'm so embarrassed I yawned twice. >> [laughter]. >> That's how much you like me. Group vigilance. Some evolutionary. theories suggest contagious yawning. synchronizes. uh the wakefulness and alertness of a. group. If one person is feeling drowsy. and yawns, the contagiousness spreads, subtly increasing the brain arousal and. vigilance of the entire group to. compensate.

>> Yo. >> But no one really knows. >> Dang. >> But if you go to Yawn's Wikipedia page, there's a nice picture of a koala. yawning. >> I like that. That was a great one. >> of it. >> That was also the pull was so you hit me. with a koala yawning. I said, "Where the. [ __ ] did you get this?". >> I was last night. >> Yeah, that was great. >> I was laying in bed going, "This is a. great picture.". >> [laughter]. >> And it was great. >> a look at it? Yawn Wikipedia. >> That is really good. >> You didn't like that? I realize I want. to watch compilations of animals. yawning. I think that'd be nice. I'd like to see.

>> You didn't see it yet? >> reptiles yawn. That's fun. You ever see. a snake yawn? >> No. >> It's pretty fun. >> I got a snake in my yard right now. >> You got a snake? >> [laughter]. >> For real. I do. >> What kind of snake is it? >> Uh it's either a ribbon or a gardener. snake. Pro- I was pretty pumped to see. it. I saw it back there the other day. and it was like it was going pretty. nuts. >> Nice. >> So yeah, I learned too the um. cuz I was like, "Fuck, what kind of like. hopefully it's not a poisonous snake.". It's not. I think it's Is it a red on. black friend of Jack? Yellow on. something. kills you. So I forget. There's like a.

cool saying. I was. >> trying to see if these guys were looking. at the quality awning. >> Were they really? >> I was hoping you guys would get pumped. Snake yawns fun. >> What? Do they flicker their tongues? What? That's kind of sick. Hold on. Be all pumped. Terrifying for real for real. Yeah, they're scary. I actually had a. dream about snakes last night. I was. thinking about the snake in my backyard. I had a dream about all kinds of coral. snakes attacking me. It was kind of. [ __ ] scary.

>> [ __ ] in water? >> Now, coral snakes I think can come on. land. >> I wasn't sure if you were down there. scuba. And the snakes snakes came out of the. reef to get you. >> No, what the hell? >> That'd be terrifying. >> There should be some electric eels. >> Those. >> It'd steal my voice and give it to steal. my voice and give it to Ursula. >> Trousers. >> I wouldn't be able to pod I wouldn't be. able to podcast. I'd be like the little. mermaid. >> [laughter]. >> Red and black. >> Friend of Jack. >> Friend to Jack, red touches yellow kills.

a fellow. >> Kills a fellow, that's it. Yeah, but. really it's the easier way to remember. if the stripes if the stripes are. horizontal. like wrapping around like little. stripes, that's a poisonous snake. If. you have a long stripe down the back, typically. friend of Jack. >> I'm staying away from all of them. >> Yeah, I don't like any of them. I don't like none of them. >> The gardener snake could be a good. alliance man cuz I that way. kill the rodents. Yeah, get the rodents. going. [ __ ] lizards, too, man. Eating. all my goddamn strawberries. >> Really? >> Yeah, the [ __ ] [ __ ] I have a. million lizards in my I have so many.

lizards. Kind of sick, but. >> It is sick. >> Dude, the every time I go back there. like four of them like run away and I'm. like. [ __ ] [ __ ] jerks. Wait till my. snake [ __ ] eats you guys. >> Yeah, yeah, that's exciting stuff. >> [laughter]. >> He did scare me though cuz I thought it. was a lizard. I was like oh I was like. whoa. >> Yeah, they're scary every time. >> Yeah, they they get you. Dude, I uh. >> backgrounds. >> started reading. um. Devils by Dostoyevsky. >> Oh, nice. >> Bro, so good. And it's like it's easy I. tried Crime and Punishment. You called. it. You're like, "You're going to get.

bored and stop." I was like, "No, I'm. not." I hate the rules, though. >> Yeah, but. >> I did get. >> Couldn't do it. >> I got bored and stopped. Devils is nice. cuz it's written like a. It just sounds like a gossipy neighbor. just being like, "Dude, let me tell you. about this guy." And he just sits there. and gives the details on every single. person. And it's it's. >> It's Dostoevsky. >> Yeah, it is. It is Dostoevsky. >> there boning his wife with bees. >> It's Dostoevsky. >> Dostoevsky. >> It really feels like that. And the. But it's it's all about these like late. 1800s Russian revolutionaries who are.

just really larping and just like It's. really weird. It's It's like Russian. progressives and how they they have like. no real beliefs and how they're just. really trying to like. pump themselves up. >> Tale as old as time. >> Yeah, pretty crazy. It was I was I'm. reading it and it's like, "Dude, it's. it's so fun." Just the little things in. there. Like there was one thing where uh. Like that there's a there was a thing in. Russia called like the peasant It was. called the great something where like. they started being like, "Yo, let's like. give peasants rights cuz they were still. I guess under like the monarchy.". And they were like, "No, dude, peasants. like they It was like really cool back.

then to be like, 'Peasants are actually. really cool and I [ __ ] love. peasants.'" But these people had like no. relation like never even saw them. They're like, "I think peasants are cool. as [ __ ] and they should be free to do. whatever they do.". >> Yeah, that was like uh. Marx and uh Engels. >> Well, that came. >> try to go to factories. >> Yep. >> And all the factory workers were like, "Dude, you guys are pussies.". >> Well, the the peasants loved the king. That was the thing, though. They were. like the king and the peasants were. like, "No, the king [ __ ] rules. It's. actually the guy the advisers are. [ __ ] assholes." Yeah, the Russian.

peasants were like they they came to. them like, "Yo, [ __ ] the king." And they. were like, "Dude, [ __ ] you.". >> Yeah, beat the [ __ ] out of you, dude. >> King [ __ ] rules. What are you talking. about my king like that? This guy's like. my whole life. That's all I do is work. for this [ __ ] guy. Don't tell me he sucks. What the hell. are you doing to me? But yeah, there were there was uh. there's the characters are so funny cuz. they are just like rich. like progressive just just absolute. weasels constantly backstabbing each. other. And there's this one part where. this guy is like this lady takes him in. just kind of puts him up to be tutor for. her son. And she invites this like very.

high-ranking military guy and he he like. references the peasant like uprising. thing. And then the dude who's her guest. goes. like quietly to himself but loud enough. so people can hear it and the guy just. like the [ __ ] is your problem? >> [laughter]. >> This is like a big problem for him. And. the end so like the the general guy is. like [ __ ] him. So they go to leave he. goes hey man shake my hand. This is a. thing they do in Russian society. If you. don't like somebody you go to shake. hands. Hit him with the two finger. You hit him. with the two finger and that's you make. him shake your two fingers and it lets.

everyone know like you [ __ ] this. [laughter] guy. >> Yes. >> It's crazy. >> That's nice. >> That's what was making me laugh so hard. And then if you don't accept it's like. dude you got to shake hand he had no. choice but to be like [ __ ]. >> Got me. >> Got my ass. It was only in front of one. lady. Just was like. Oh you're not a gentleman you're not. going to shake my hand. He goes. [ __ ] [ __ ] Then he would go to his. room and like cry and write letters. [laughter]. It's so funny. It might be it's it's. really it's been a really uh it's been a.

treat to read. Guys this weekend June 26th 27th I'll be. in Birmingham Alabama at the Star Dome. Comedy Club. Please come. August 7th San. Jose 7th and 8th San Jose California and. Spokane Washington August 13th. And after that Portland Boston Royal. Oaks Michigan and a bunch of other. places in the fall. Uh go to mattmccusker.com for tickets. please. >> July 17th at the link in Philadelphia. Also August in South Carolina.

Charleston. I've been fired up on a book. Uh it's called The Wager. >> Ooh. >> I think it's like a very popular history. book but it's you'd like it. >> What's it about? >> Uh it's just this expedition of uh ships. that left England trying to sail around. to I think their mission was to like. blow up a [ __ ] Spanish. port in like Chile. >> Sick. >> But, it's pretty great. [ __ ] goes south. >> Yeah. >> Really sucks ass. Everyone gets scurvy. They couldn't figure out scurvy.

>> [laughter]. >> Those like boat missions back in the day. were just cursed. >> It's unbelievable how bad it was. Every. single [ __ ] chapter you're like, "No. way.". >> Yeah. >> I found out that under the weather. is. uh cuz they would put all the sick guys. under. >> Oh. >> to get them out of the weather. They go. He's under the weather. >> Oh, [ __ ]. I like a good. >> once in a while I read something like. that in a book and then I'm not sure if. that's right. >> Sounds pretty good. >> Why don't you guys give me a look at. that? >> Can I While you do that, I'm going to. give you another one. Cut to the chase.

Comes from the silent film era where. before like those Charlie Chaplin films. always for whatever reason. >> chasing. >> Yep. They would always have an. unnecessary very boring drawn out love. story which is him just like winking and. raising his eyebrows. And then this one. guy was like, "Dude, cut to the [ __ ]. chasing.". >> Get to the chasing. >> This is [ __ ] Let's just see him. chase a guy around a pond. >> Under the weather? [ __ ] yeah. Dude, also scurvy blows. >> What happens? >> teeth fall out. Your hair falls out. Your everything blows. And you die.

>> Ah. >> Just cuz you don't have vitamin C. >> a [ __ ] lemon? >> Cuz you don't have a lemon which is why. they're called limeys. >> Really? >> Limey. Yeah. >> Cuz they need the limes. >> I was thinking about it. You're a. [ __ ] land lover. You're a land lover. >> The hell you dude. Not true. >> You're a land lover. >> I've spent more time. >> you went on the open sea? >> When's the last time I went on the open. sea? I was paddle boarding. I was paddle. boarding the [ __ ] gulf. >> about that. That's coastal [ __ ] dude. You're a land lover. >> What the [ __ ] [laughter] are you talking. about? When's the last time you were on.

the open sea? >> I've been in the open sea. >> When? >> [ __ ] couple days ago. >> Where were you? >> I was out I was out at sea. >> [laughter]. >> I was out at sea, dude. You're a land. lover. >> That's so untrue. >> I got scurvy. That's why I got all these. limes, dude. I had to start sucking. limes. >> Dude, well, you got to be careful cuz. now they're trying to say that citrus. intake increases skin cancer risk. I know. I think it's [ __ ]. >> a salty dog like me, skin cancer is. guaranteed. >> I heard that. >> [laughter]. >> Dude, I'm a salty dog, you're a. landlover. There's nothing you.

>> That's not true. Bro, I've been underwater more than I. think I've I've spent hours underwater. in the last couple weeks. I've been. swimming. I'm underwater, dude. It's [ __ ] sick. >> Underwater is the best. I love. underwater. >> Dude, it's for real sick. Like when you. swim laps, you're kind of chilling. underwater with other people silently. >> So do I. That's what I'm saying. When. you call me a landlover, it's just it's. not even like offensive, it's just not. true. >> You're a bit of a land You're a. landlover. >> That's not true. >> You've never been at sea for more than a. a day. >> You've never been at sea for more. >> I have I know I went on a Carnival.

cruise with my friends when I was 14. Dude, I was We were out there, man. Must've been 10 days out there. You went. on a Carnival cruise, of course. >> cruise. >> I bet, yeah. You went on the Spirit. cruise. Where everyone fights. >> I didn't go on a [laughter] Carnival. cruise. >> Where 15,000 people are on deck. fighting. >> I would never go on a Carnival. >> Royal Caribbean is better. >> Black people cruises are [ __ ]. awesome, dude. >> Parties are fun, but you got to have a. couple fights. >> Yeah, there was there was that big clear. out in the customs. I don't know if you. saw that. >> I just saw it this morning. Thank god. no. >> There was a customs like a big brawl in.

the customs line and there was just. [laughter] like 15 people got banned. from entering the country. >> No cruise list. >> You got You can't fight in the customs. That's crazy, dude. You have to There's got to be a a just a. It's got to be some sacred ground. >> Customs is tough, though. >> Fighting actually I almost got in a. fight in customs. I almost got in a. fight one time, yeah. >> I got off I I was coming back I think. from England. via ship and. when we finally docked I. after 6 months at sea, we finally.

docked, dude. You'd never make it on the. wager. I'd I'd admit. But uh. I swear to god an Iraqi Afghani got off. the same time. Me and the bros were in line for several. hours. >> Yeah. >> Tough. >> Yep. No, I battled an old African guy one. time in customs. He like literally just. butted and shoulder checked and it was. just like, "Bro.". >> Don't [ __ ] talk to me like that. >> It's Ellis It's Ellis Island. >> It really is. You're literally right. back at Ellis Island. >> It's five points. >> It's the exact same thing our ancestors. did. It is, [laughter] dude.

You become Bill the Butcher real quick. >> That's crazy. So, when's the longest. you've spent at sea, for real? >> I I don't I'm I'm a land lover. >> Are you really? >> Yeah. >> Why, you just built this whole thing up. >> [laughter]. >> It's crazy. >> No, I I don't I've never been on a. cruise, so [ __ ] day day deep sea. fishing. >> Yeah. >> That's I mean, Carnival Cruise is hardly. at sea, dude. >> No, man. Those things rock. I I remember. you you're laying there, man. Took me a while to get back to land. I.

was so used to I was just like took to. it. I was. >> Yeah, you get your sea legs on the. Carnival Cruise. [laughter]. >> [gasps]. >> Yeah, I remember I was at the indoor. mall. >> [laughter]. >> just got a soft serve ice cream cone. from the vending machine and yeah, man. >> [laughter]. >> I had about 14 bass ales. >> you what, the only [ __ ] limey I. actually know is the O'Con man's a salty. dog, dude. >> Is he Yeah, he's a sailor. >> he's on a boat every [ __ ] 10 minutes. >> Yeah. >> You think you're a salty dog, dude?

You're a land lover. >> Uh I I kind of I kind of I kind. >> Yeah, you're pond scum, dude. >> Yeah, I'm more [laughter] of a fresh. water guy, but all this sea talk I've. been I was thinking about my old primary. care physician the other day. His name. was Dr. And he actually passed away at sea last. year. >> Oh, yeah. >> He died at sea, yeah. So. I was thinking about that because I got. a new primary care physician and he. doesn't hold a candle to. >> Really? >> Yeah, he was really bad. >> So, how did. pass at sea?

>> Well, it's sort of a sore subject, but. he fell off his fishing boat and then. the fishing boat went like crazy and and. >> [laughter]. >> I mean, I wish you guys wouldn't laugh. at it. Like I said, it's sort of a sore. subject. >> thinking about those bumps. >> [laughter]. >> He's fishing in. and he he was ejected from his boat and. then the boat kept. driving. and it ran him over.

>> [laughter]. >> He got hit by his own boat? >> Yeah, he was killed by his own boat. Passed away at sea. >> He's the one closest to you. >> [snorts]. >> Uh he really is a great doctor and rest. in peace. >> Oh, man. >> I was just thinking about that the other. day cuz I got a new. crappy primary care physician and I was. just. >> So, he went out to eat some fish. and. >> the fish ended up eating. >> Hey, man. We all do eventually. >> not to think about that, but. >> Well, you brought it up and I don't. think it's funny. >> Yeah, I don't know. I even told him [ __ ].

>> And definitely. block out his name cuz I don't want to. make fun of that guy. >> Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. >> Okay. All right, sorry. >> Um. Yeah, I was thinking of the I I. >> But I like the story. >> I I sorry, I didn't want to interrupt. I. was just It reminded me. >> You're just thinking about it. >> thinking of. >> [ __ ] up thing to think about. >> He's the only person I know who who died. at sea. He lost at sea. >> Yeah. Primary dude, primary care docs now are. it's I tried to go to a place once and. it's like I think it's owned by like. Amazon or something. It was [ __ ]. [ __ ]. >> Yeah. to one they assigned me one that.

was attached to a church. So, I went to. a doctor that was attached to a church. >> What? You're in You're a. He's a doctor of the church. >> It was it was it wasn't a great. experience, but I don't want to. >> No, dude, they just looked at you. Oh, [ __ ]. >> Nothing. I just needed a checkup and I. got insurance finally. They gave me a. BSS. doctor. >> They Well, they just like. >> took forever. It was I was like waiting. forever. >> And then not They're like, "Yeah, we're. checking your blood pressure." Like, okay. >> Yeah, I could go to CVS for this.

>> Yeah, it's [ __ ] bull. Also, come on, man, blood pressure. >> Yeah, who gives a [ __ ]. >> Like, seriously, dude. Like, it's. >> It's pretty high up there for me. >> It's my blood pressure. >> On the list of concerns. >> [laughter]. >> I feel like you can lower your blood. pressure naturally. >> Yeah. >> I don't know. I The blood pressure med. The window They shrunk the window for. blood pressure medication now. It used. to be like one whatever over this. Now. they're like, "No, it's actually like 20. points. We slid it down 20 points.". Just to be like that way more people can.

get on blood pressure medication. What is Does anyone know why that. happens? Is it just stress? Is it like. salt? Or like, what Why do people just. >> it's definitely like for me it's like. alcohol, coffee, nicotine. >> That'll do it. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> And if I don't do any of that for like. 2 hours. Yeah. >> It just goes down. Jeez. >> And stress, for sure. >> Yeah. >> I had to get uh. I tried to get an IV at the Super Bowl. >> Mhm. >> Like, they had like a little IV thing. The day after we went out, it was We had.

a pretty wild night. >> Recovery. >> And then I'm in a room It was like a. public room of like They have They have. these things where they like just give. people gifts. You know what I mean? Like, if it's like a VIP thing, they. just are like, "Here, wear these. shorts.". >> Yeah. >> And so there's just tons of people and. they're like, "Do you want an IV?" I was. like, "Yeah, that'd be nice." And. they're like, "We just have to check. your blood pressure real quick." And I. was like, >> Why? >> "This is going to be the craziest blood. pressure you've ever seen." [laughter]. Sure enough, it was. >> What? >> they're like, "Just Are you all right? Are you like stressed out?" I'm like,

"Yeah, this is I'm sweating. There's. famous people and I'm laying in a chair. like. >> [laughter]. >> And they're like, "Just relax for 5. minutes.". I was like, "All right." And it worked. >> It went down. >> pressure goes down, yeah. >> Yeah. Yeah. >> easy. >> That's not bad. >> Hell of a story. >> That was a good story. >> Well, it was a good story. >> We're talking blood pressure, you. delivered. >> Thanks, man. >> I have no [ __ ] blood pressure. stories other than every now and again. I'll go and they'll go, "You're a little. on the low side." And I go, "Pretty. [ __ ] chill, honestly.". >> Yeah, it's cuz I'm too chill. >> Pretty [ __ ] chill, man. Actually, the only time it goes up when people.

tell me I'm a land lover. >> [laughter]. >> Yeah. I was listening to the book. Hit heard a. [ __ ] land lover and I'm like, "Ooh, I'm going to call Matt a land lover.". >> [laughter]. >> I'm going to call Matt a land lover. tomorrow. >> [clears throat]. >> I'm telling you, I've been a I've been. aquatic, dude. I've been in the water. almost every day. Just underground. Actually, it's funny. too cuz I'm underwater and I still like. I I watch people do freestyle. You know. people who can freestyle swim just like. continuously for. >> Yeah. >> I I I still don't know how people do. that. >> Slow. >> Yeah, but dude, like you can still do it.

slow, but you have to like try to time. your breathing correct. It's really. really difficult. So, I'm I'm like I'm. just like watching people underwater. just trying to peep trying to [snorts]. peep game underwater. So, I'm I'm just. doing my [ __ ] old lady breaststroke. and I'm just watching freestyle. swimmers. [laughter]. I'm telling you, I've spent at least a. a good combined couple hours underwater. in the last couple weeks. >> good. >> Just chilling just watching people just. >> Yeah. You got a [ __ ] shark down there. [snorts]. >> Where are you swimming at? The pool near my house.

Swam at the pool down there. Just. ripping the laps. Dude, it's it's the. best. It also I swear to god, if you swim if. you're in a pool for like. say 45 minutes swimming, doing like. laps, you get out, your voice is deeper. It's something about all the Cuz that. water, when you're breathing in water, the water pressure is like making it. harder to breathe. So, something about. your diaphragm. I get out of the pool, I'm like, "Yo.". Every single time it's so funny. I get. out Dude, I get I go home right away and. I'm like, "Yo, what's going on?". >> Yeah, you mog your family. >> Dude, I like you can't help it. >> You're underwater maxing.

>> I'm completely underwater. Underwater. and sun maxing. >> You are sun maxing, dude. Your. tan is. >> I've been in the sun. >> Insane. >> I've been in the sun just non-stop. I. might have to check a different box next. time. >> You're getting close. >> I Yeah, at least. you know, non-white Hispanic. >> Yeah. >> I think I've earned non-white Hispanic. >> Yeah, you're going to hit a [ __ ]. amber. >> [laughter]. >> You're going to hit Hispanic enough, dude. >> You all know when I get it, when I pick. up my kids, it goes bam. >> [laughter]. >> Yeah, I've been a dude or I speaking of.

stress, dude, my I found out that my. house has mold. >> Oh, so. >> [ __ ] house, there in in Maya's room, there's like a we had like a growth come. out of the thing. And uh. so you know, we called the builder who. is like we bought it off someone else, but it's like a pretty it's a pretty new. house. So we didn't have like I didn't realize. I didn't know how like the warranty. works with all that [ __ ] Turns out it. was a noble builder. They came out and. they're like, dude, you shouldn't be. dealing with that. Just fix They're. fixing it as we speak. >> This thing this house gets mold [ __ ].

constantly. >> so? >> I've seen it. It grows on the [ __ ]. ceilings near the vents. >> Yeah, that's not good. >> Dude, they the problem was in the front. of my house, they like there's a huge. stretch where they did just no flashing. for some reason. And then there's like. this tape they put around the seams of. the I think that wasn't there. And dude, my whole front is just like. black, the plywood is just black and. just like completely chewed Looks like. my house is on fire. It's disgusting. So there's the boys are. out there as we speak right now. Came up. Yeah, I I.

I was punishing them this morning. They. showed up at 7:00. I'd just come back. from running. Just so shirtless and. completely sweaty. So I kept just trying. to get close to talk to them like and. they get I could tell they're like, yo, dude, back. >> Yeah. >> Back away. >> You're true Aussie mate. >> Back away. I'm completely. >> Shirtless running. >> Shirtless running. >> True Aussie mate. >> Dude, I even did my boxing briefs in the. pool recently just to get the feel of a. Speedo. It was just me. I was by myself. and I was like, I just want to see what. a Speedo feels like. >> Do you roll your. >> So fast. >> them up to make it a Speedo? >> No, I just took my head boxers. underneath my.

uh shorts. >> Yeah, I was sure if you talked them to. make it a Speedo. >> I did like down to thigh Speedo. I'm a. swim dad. I don't know if you know, I'm. a swim dad right now. My kid was in. swim, so. >> salty dog. >> I'm a swim dad. >> I'm a yours I'm a salty dog. >> [laughter]. >> I'm a lying ass salty dog. Land lover. Land lover swim dad. >> Swim dad is crazy. You can't you got to. separate it. You got to have people put. on [ __ ] pants between the races. You. can't have just [ __ ] dude chiseled. boys high school boys. There's There's. all ages. Like Adonises walking around in their.

undies. I'm like put some [ __ ] pants. on you guys. What the hell are we doing. here? Cuz it's like I don't look but it's like. the whole time you're just kind of like. You have to walk around just like it's. crazy. >> Yeah. >> It's a weird and everyone's acting like. it's normal. This is not normal. >> It's not normal. >> It's just [ __ ] weird. I'm not the only person being [ __ ]. feeling weird around here and everyone. is acting all [ __ ] cool and normal. and I'm going no guys this is [ __ ] up. It's a bunch of high school boys in. their underpants and everyone is acting. like it's cool. I'm like this [ __ ] is. not cool.

>> Pray to God your daughters don't play. volleyball. You're going to be hitting a high school. volleyball game going I. >> I didn't even think about. >> [laughter]. >> Going what the [ __ ] is going on. >> going on here? What's funny dude cuz I. think the coach of like the our our swim. team. I I don't know where he swim. He seems. like he was like an accomplished. swimmer. He's got the swimmer's body. He's got a little accent too. [ __ ]. yoked. And he's a bit of a heartthrob. So we. had a we had the end of year swim party.

>> He's a bit of a dick throb. >> We had the end [laughter] of year swim. party and uh my oldest. >> We had the end of year swim party and. my oldest daughter Maya was like we were. about to go to the party and she was. like. I wonder what coach. wearing and I was like I should blank. his name out. She's like I wonder what. he's. >> Of course his name is [ __ ]. >> [laughter]. >> This [ __ ] guy. >> what he's wearing and I was like what? And she's like do you think he's wearing. a bow tie? And I was like what the [ __ ]. And I'm like I don't know. Went on. >> were like. >> Put on a bow I put on a bow tie. I was. like come on let's go to the [laughter]. party.

>> And I hope he's wearing a [ __ ] bow. tie. So hot. >> It did make me laugh. It was so [ __ ]. so. >> funny. He's a man, too. But yeah, it was. he's he's a [ __ ] dude. He's a. heartthrob, but it just is what it is, man. >> you can do about it. >> I'm just a [ __ ] guppy in the swimming. world. It's just so hard, dude, to do it. just to come to grips with. I'm such a. [ __ ] turd. >> to get to you got to get to Barton. Springs. >> I've done it. >> I know, but that's where that's where. you build your strength. >> Real swimming. >> Swim laps there down and back. >> Dude, I want to go there and do it. I.

would love to. >> That would be some good underwater. observations. >> That would be nice. >> get real you can get down. >> I can also see I would be like. >> You can get down amongst the fish and. look up. >> I could see a lot I could people a lot. of game in Barton, for sure. But yeah, I I honestly think at my skill. level well, breaststroke, I can kind of. breaststroke indefinitely. That's the. one but it's like. >> easy one. >> An easy one. You can do it forever. >> Yeah. >> But the uh it's it'll still it'll gas. you, but I think I could do down back. down back down back breaststroke. Freestyle. halfway, man.

>> You'd have to go so slow. Yeah. >> Even when you go slow, you start [ __ ]. like running out of breath and you take. you get one breath where you take water. in, panic. So. >> Yeah, it's been. It's been the high drama of swimming. laps. It's nice. at 9:00 a.m. But it is nice. Swimming is the it's the. ultimate. Does your joints don't hurt afterwards. It's it's like truly it's a skill it's a. skill to pick up for life that'll carry. you all the way to old age. >> Certainly. Yeah. What?

You got any more. >> He's just horrible stories. >> Well, yeah, that's what he was thinking. [laughter]. >> You know someone who had a heart attack. in the pool or something? Jesus Christ. >> [laughter]. >> I'm sorry. I feel bad for bringing that. up. I don't think you should. I think. >> Yeah. >> we feel bad for trying not to laugh. >> Dude, it was it's more of a situational. thing. >> I'm just worried about you. I want you. to be careful out on the water. I don't. want to lose somebody else to the water. >> In the pool, I think about having a. heart attack in the pool every day. >> Be careful, man. I don't.

>> Hey, it is what it is. If I [ __ ] die. swimming, I die swimming, man. You know? >> [laughter]. >> But I like the underwater. >> dude. >> I don't think I will. >> You're not. You're a land lover. You get There's You're dying on land. I. guarantee it. >> You think I'm going to fall in the dirt? You think I'm going to fall in the dirt? >> You're going straight to mud, dude. You're [laughter] a land lover. >> This is [ __ ] [ __ ] dude. This is [ __ ] [ __ ]. >> [snorts]. >> Man. But yeah, no, I uh. How was How was last week?

>> How was the. >> The last It's been chaos. >> Yeah, I was about to say, dude. >> Nothing. It's just nonstop chaos. >> [laughter]. >> Everything is. >> Can't even do a goddamn fun thing. I. don't. >> do cool things. >> No, that's crazy. >> I I Oh, you're talking about the White. House? I. canceled. I was like, I'm not going. >> Really? The [ __ ]. >> I shouldn't I don't feel like dealing. with this [ __ ]. >> Yeah. >> And then looked at my Instagram and they. were doing dirt bike flips on the White. House. >> The [ __ ]. >> And I was like,

I got to see what this is. >> Yeah, well, also. I I don't I don't like the uh. >> It was pretty wild. >> Yeah, well, it's it's also one of those. things. >> dude fight was. [ __ ] awesome. And the troops, dude, the troops were lining the [ __ ] It. was. I was just hanging out with the [ __ ]. troops. Dude, and my section was like just Medal. of Honor winners. It was. A dude would come up and be like, "Hey, man, big fan." And then you look and. he's wearing a [ __ ] Medal of Honor. and you're like,

"Thank you, sir. Thank you.". >> Yeah, that's insane. >> But it it also the the uh the critique. from people that around exclusive events. that they're not invited at is just kind. of like, you won't know unless you get. You can't even You can't. I wouldn't have went. It's like, "Yeah, I doubt it.". >> I mean, I was thinking about not going, but. saw that flyover and the dirt bikes. >> I heard there was two two flyovers. >> was [ __ ] stealth Yeah, the second. flyover scared me. >> Stealth bomber? >> Second one was a like yeah, it was a. loud bomber and I it.

I don't know if I'm allowed to say who I. was with. I was with the Venezuela boys. Sitting with those boys that pulled that. off. >> What? >> Allegedly. The Venezuela boys. >> I see what you're saying. >> No, [laughter] I was with the I was with. the guys who grabbed Maduro. >> I thought you were talking about the. Venezuelan like regime. I was like, "Oh, nice.". >> [laughter]. >> The Venezuela boys and me and then there. was that loud [ __ ] bomber later later. in the night and I was like, "Is that one of ours?". >> Yeah. >> I want to make sure we're not This isn't.

it. >> That is a crazy thing to do to a bunch. of veterans, have the flyovers and all. these people that could have PTSD. >> No, they. >> They probably knew it was coming. >> None of them have PTSD from planes. >> Okay. >> Do you know what I mean? >> Yeah. Yeah. All I know is a [ __ ] boondoggle. for me. >> Nobody's Nobody's hitting us with. planes. >> It would scare the [ __ ] out of me and I. would go to war. >> It was pretty awesome. >> I just I just I didn't do a lot. I had. to put out a lot of fires that week. I. have a huge liberal liberal fan base. I. have like 5 million followers on Blue. Sky. You guys don't even know about it.

Like I was putting out fire after fire. all week. They're like, "Gosh, dude, come on.". >> I didn't really [laughter]. I didn't give a [ __ ] [clears throat]. I mean. >> You shouldn't. It's crazy. >> It's crazy. It's so [ __ ] dumb in. crazy. I the news in general. >> I just didn't look for a week. >> And then it's gone. >> Yeah. >> That's how much it doesn't matter. You just don't look and it goes No. Nobody [ __ ] cares. Any regular person. you talk to is going Oh yeah, either Oh. yeah, I forgot that was happening or.

Yeah, [ __ ] I wonder how that was. If you're for real getting mad about a. news story. you're [ __ ]. >> [laughter]. >> You're [ __ ] No, it's true. >> Well. >> Especially that. If it's like, you know, some If it's like a cultural polit- it's. like you're [ __ ] Like you're for. real. >> The one that's making me laugh the most. now is the reflecting pool. Have you seen how people are they're so. upset about the reflecting pool? The algae in the. Trump Trump like tried to redesign it or. put like a.

blue [ __ ] base to it. >> [laughter]. >> And now everyone's upset. >> Why [snorts] did he try to blue it out? >> I don't know. >> You put like that [ __ ] in the toilet? >> To make it look [ __ ] sick, dude. >> True. >> And the Ellipse's. >> [laughter]. >> Dude, the Ellipse's. Don't even talk to me about the dead. grass on the Ellipse's. >> What happened? >> Not my Ellipse's. Not like this. >> the Ellipse's? >> Exactly. No one knows what the [ __ ] the. Ellipse's is until now. Now all of a. sudden everyone's going, "The Ellipse's. grass is dead.".

>> [laughter]. >> Just shut up. We got bigger fish to fry than some. [ __ ] dead grass. >> [laughter]. >> That will be fine. >> [snorts]. >> Yeah, that is funny how everyone. suddenly was like, "It's just such a. sacred space and it should never have. been used for it." It's like, "Shut up.". >> I remember what was going on in there. >> I saw I saw HB. I saw Hunter. >> I remember some old things in there. >> Hunter Biden wrote. >> Shout out HB, dude. >> It's nice words, but in the end he goes, "I don't think that place should be. desecrated like that." And it's like, "Yo, let's do a lie detector about whose.

the cocaine was in the White [laughter]. House.". And then. >> Don't talk about my boy HB. >> He's a man. >> I saw the positive tweet. Now I'm full. HB, dude. >> He's a man. >> He was just he said he liked me. So now. now I like him. HB all day. >> Dude, HB. >> him. >> could make a run, dude. He's he's. sensible. He he did that tweet I go, "Okay, this guy's sensible. He's not. really inflammatory. It seems like he's. a he could bridge the aisle.". He really could. All of his dirty. laundry's out there. It's like, "Okay, what are you going to do? Yeah, I. [ __ ] smoke crack." The guy in.

the guy in Canada smoked crack. He's. >> And he's the [ __ ] man, dude. >> He's the best. He was RIP to a legend. >> Oh [ __ ] I didn't know he's dead. RIP. >> Yeah. That [ __ ] interview where he's. like, "Yeah, I smoke crack. You're just. jealous cuz nobody wants to do cool. stuff with you.". >> [laughter]. >> Yeah. He said it during a press conference. and he's like, "They're saying I ate. that girl's [ __ ]. I got plenty to eat at home. Thank you.". >> [laughter]. >> He said I ate her [ __ ] in an interview. I got plenty He was a [ __ ] man. He. got plenty to eat at home. Also, he's talking about eating his.

wife's [ __ ]. >> Also, being like plenty of it at home. Just there. >> Yeah, he was the [ __ ] man. >> She's kneading the dough for me right. now. I'm about to come home and jump on. it. >> But yeah, I got to be honest, going to. the White House was sick. >> Yeah. >> It was cool. >> Yeah. >> I kept my distance from the politicians. Wanted to enjoy the fights. They were good fights. It was a spectacle. Did hang out with. the troops the entire time. Sick. The troops [ __ ] rule. >> Yeah, that's nice. >> Then before that I went to the NBA.

final. I was at. >> Yep. >> I went to I went to the first four. games. My seat kept getting further further. [laughter] I was. Last game I was up. Uh. >> That was crazy. >> It was awesome. >> Yeah, that was that was really cool. >> Completely neutral observer. It's fun to watch. >> I was pulling for the. >> There's Do you see the guy from. >> Spurs. >> Also, I was. the the I was. I was in New York. I didn't go to game. five when they won. I didn't go back to. San Antonio. And I was very excited to.

walk around and see the. chaos. Nothing. >> It wasn't that chaotic? >> No, I think by. Madison Square Garden it was wild. But I. was expecting like I was down. like Washington Square Park. It was just. a bunch of larpers, dude. >> Yeah. >> There was a bunch of kids from NYU and a. bunch of people that moved to New York. that no one gives a [ __ ] about the. Knicks and they were all just standing. there like What do we do? >> Yeah. >> we do this? And it reminded. me I was just made me miss Philadelphia.

>> Yeah, true. Instantly put you. >> socking a horse, a police horse. >> [laughter]. >> right in the [ __ ] mouth. Someone. just. >> Yeah, what they don't know is you're. allowed to break the law for 12 hours. So, go break the laws and you know, someone will die unfortunately. >> Yes. >> Yeah, that is Yeah, that's kind of cool. you got to see that cuz I wondered like. cuz they they made it look like it was. complete chaos. >> Up by the garden I think it was. And I. think the parade was chaotic. >> Yeah, and also. wasn't Trump there? So like they hold.

barricaded. >> Trump was at game three. >> Yeah. >> That was fun. >> How was that? >> Uh. it was. crazy trying to get into the stadium cuz. they blocked off like blocks around the. stadium. >> That's nuts. >> Yeah, yeah. Got to hang out with the boys in blue. though. NYPD is tight. It's nice. >> Yeah, cops turns out kind of sold me. >> NYPD are pretty chill. >> NYPD are chill. >> Yeah. >> They're they're busy enough too where. they're not like breaking your balls. about dumb stuff. I got pulled over the. other night. Down here in Austin I just literally. completely sober.

>> tan, bro. >> Sure. >> [laughter]. >> You better get used to it. >> I'm a suspicious driver now. >> You're suddenly a [ __ ]. >> Also, my car looks like inside of my car. looks like a crackhead's car. There's. [ __ ] There's just like the weirdest. assortment of [ __ ] everywhere. There's like [ __ ] that I get mailed. There's like t-shirts in plastic bags, a. basketball, food containers. And the guy. pulled up he goes like, "Having a good night, man?" My. headlights were off. He's like, "Surefire DUI." And I was just like, "Oh, that was foreman.". He was like, "Ah, shit." And he looked I.

think he smelled the breath too, clean. as hell. But yeah, so I got off. I got I got to. do all my cop stuff, turn the lights on. inside, so like put them at ease. Window. fully down. >> Hands on the wheel. Both hands on the. >> hands visible for sure. I did have a. little joint I had to hide right down. >> Didn't even move my shoulder, but. >> kind of proud of myself for that one. >> your shoulder is nice. >> It was dude, I just scooped it out of a. little hand rest, dropped it on the. floor right as he's walking. I said, >> I would have panicked, dude. I've. watched too much Midwest safety. >> I was cool as a cucumber. I I like. literally. >> in the passenger seat and be like, "The.

driver [laughter]. driver took off, dude. I don't even know. who the [ __ ] that. >> my pants. >> [laughter]. >> These are my brother's These in my. brother's pants. Yeah, sure. He already got out and. freaked the [ __ ] out. I would have said. I was a sovereign citizen. >> I'd have hit him with the Poirier. >> Hm? >> See a Poirier. >> [laughter]. >> I don't know. What's good, bro? >> Yeah, what's good? >> This is going to be bad for you. >> [laughter]. >> It's great. >> I That must have been terrifying for. that cop. Like, "Dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, chill, chill, chill. Chill, dude, chill.".

>> Poirier?". >> [laughter]. >> He goes, "Yeah, this is going to be bad. for you.". >> [ __ ]. >> And then he hit the. >> I would have tased him right away, dude. I would just. >> Yeah. >> But then if that the dude God forbid he. pulls that out. >> And the shorts lift? Do you see the shorts lift? He hit the [ __ ] shorts lift squaring. up and it's like, "Oh, no, I've seen. this.". >> No, man, that's that's for real. terrifying. And everyone's like, "Yo, do something. about this guy." It's like, I'd have to. train for 5 years. >> train. I'd have to go back in time. >> [laughter]. >> I have to get a time machine and start.

training when I'm 10 years old. Ooh, I have a gun. >> Yeah. No, that would have been. It have to be tased. He's got to tase. and just rip him. Like, bro, I if you do. if you That's so scary. I guess too if he closed the distance he. would have [ __ ]. I don't know if he clocked that. >> Poirier's the man. >> Yeah. It happens, dude. It happens. >> everybody forgives him. Everyone's like, "That was actually a. sick video.". >> It is a sick video. >> of a cool as [ __ ] in that.

>> Yeah, dude. >> Not that that's cool. But. >> He pulled it off. >> Yeah. >> Justin Timberlake did the same thing. He. had a cool drunk video. When the guy was like, uh, "What's What are you doing?" He was. like, >> It's going to ruin the tour. >> I'm a. >> It's going to ruin the whole world tour. >> I'm on a world tour. He's [laughter] like, "No, I'm actually. >> He says, "It's going to ruin the tour.". He goes, "What tour?" The world tour. >> Although then you see footage from the. tour where he's just kind of like, "Don't care. Don't want to do this.". JT, I've been I've been trying to.

>> the world tour. You're saying he mailed. in the world I haven't seen it. >> There's a video. No, people were mad. I. don't Again, you never know what. happens, but there was a video where he. was just like kind of, you know, like. audience sings. He was just walking. around on stage and just hitting this. He was kind of phoning it in. >> Phoned in the world tour. >> But, that's his that's his business. >> Yeah. >> I want to get JT on so bad. >> That'd be awesome. >> So bad. I I've I my strings that I could. pull, I tried. I had one shot. >> I think we can get HB on. >> HB? >> Hunter Biden. >> I think we get Hunter on.

>> We can get HB. >> I think we get HB. And, you know, again, I'm kidding about cocaine in the White. House. Could have been anybody's, but. literally could have been anyone's. If. you want to if you talk about cocaine, there's a lot That's a cocaine. archetype, the whole business of. politics, so. It was just a. obviously a clever joke on Hunter Biden. >> [laughter]. >> Of course. >> I would love to get HB on. HB and JT. would be huge. >> Simultaneously. >> Simultaneously. >> Yeah, we should start booking just. random two [ __ ] [laughter] random. people. >> I'll bring the clear podiums and have. two people standing while we sit down.

Like, JT, you were drunk. >> [laughter]. >> JT, you were drunk. That's so [ __ ]. funny. >> [snorts]. >> JT DUI. Also, it's got to be crazy to DUI when. you're JT and you're like, "This isn't. going to affect me at all.". >> [laughter]. >> Like, this is like, "Okay, I'll just. hire someone to drive me.". This is [ __ ] minor inconvenience. You know what I mean? >> Yeah. >> You know what I'm [ __ ] saying? >> Yeah, for for sure. >> Can't believe I got profiled while I was.

driving tan. >> Yeah. >> That's crazy. Damn. >> You're getting too tan, dude. >> I'm dude, I'm. >> You're too tan and jacked. >> I'm trying to see You think I'm jacked? >> You get If you keep getting more jacked, they're going to go straight for the. taser. >> I feel like I'm at a plateau. >> You're you're entering [laughter] full. threat territory. >> I'll just be adjusting my shorts and. I'll get tased. >> You're getting full threat territory. >> [laughter]. [gasps]. >> I want to see how how tan I can go. This. is I think I'm maxed out. This is no. way. >> can do. >> You think I can do more? >> you can do more, dude. >> I'm also I think I'm plateauing. I don't. think I'm getting. >> No, I noticed how jacked you were.

>> No way. >> When I walked in. I haven't seen you in. [ __ ] 10 days. I was like, god damn. What happened? >> Competition's almost over. I've been. doing a calorie competition. >> With who? >> Uh two of my neighbors. >> What's the calorie competition? >> Whoever burns the most calories total in. the month of June wins. I'm uh I'm pretty good. I'm I'm on par. to hit about like 35,000 for June for. June. >> It's crazy. >> Yeah, it's been pretty I had a 3,000. calorie day. I think it really like [ __ ] me up. That's why I really worried about having. a heart attack in the. >> [laughter]. >> Yeah, I'm like really excited for this.

to end. I don't know why. this is this thing spiraled out of. control. And now it's just complete. panic every time I get an alert to my. thing being like, blah blah blah, started a workout. I'm like, [ __ ]. bastard. >> [ __ ]. >> I check my enemies every day. What are. my enemies up there? And I go, all. right, I got to run 4 miles. Been a guy actually kind of fun. >> Yeah. >> Calorie off is a it's a been a fun. thing. And it's honestly one of those. things where they say like, well, you. can overtrain, you need rest days. I've. had no rest days. It's been 30 [ __ ] days. It's like, maybe not. Maybe you actually don't need a rest. day. Maybe it's all [ __ ] [ __ ]. >> rest days really.

they sink my battleship. >> Yeah, they they they turn into rest. weeks. >> for 3 days, I go, rest day. And then you. go, [ __ ] I'm still sore. And then. >> It turns double two rest days. And you. go, [ __ ] I'm not going back to the. [ __ ] Yeah, it turns into rest rest. month. Yeah, turns out you don't really. need them. They're [ __ ] Sorry to break it to. you guys, exercise physiologists and. doctors. >> [laughter]. >> I'm definitely very healthy and I'm not. going to have a heart attack because. I've [ __ ] done like a thousand. calories a day for 30 days. I'm on What's the day today?

Let me see. Okay, dude. It's also it I will say it's. not fair in this competition because. uh my friends have like jobs they have. to be at. So I I'll [ __ ] hit like a. [ __ ] 2-hour block. It's been actually yeah, it's been it's. been fun. But. I will say I'm like, all right, this is. I got to chill. This is this is just not. this is not nice. But but yeah, stressful and negative. things coming via text. >> No. >> It's not that bad. >> It never is as bad as you think,

honestly. >> I'll tell you this one. >> What? [snorts]. >> You going to think it's a bad one. >> Oh, no. >> All right. We done? >> Yeah. >> Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's. Secret Podcast on Spotify. >> Do it.