Ep 607 - All Guys Welcome (feat. Sam Tallent & Shawn Gardini)

THE WOW-WOW WEST. Breathe in and out. I. got you, lover. Breathe in there. Breathe out nice and long. Yes. Got it all. It sounded like the. whole spine cracked. >> Yeah, that was nice. >> the top there. It's right in my home. >> You want one? I'll take one. It's right. in my home. Take a crack. >> [laughter]. >> All right, here. Let's go. Loose on the. hands. Here we go over. Let me Let me get you loose. You don't.

have to grab on. Okay, now breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. >> [snorts]. >> Breathe out. Nope. Too tight. You're all. meat. >> [laughter]. >> Too tight? >> You're not Rigatoni Tony. I'm all bone. I'm too stylish. You're a. sponge. Hello. Are we fired up? Oh, hell. yeah. Perfect. Hello. Beautiful. Well, yeah. I'm I The first time I went to an. escape room, I was like pure Da Vinci.

code, going like too deep into the. details where I'm like counting the. branch like the leaves on like the fake. tree. >> The I did the paneling on the on the. wood grain. I was like, "There's. something in the grain.". >> [laughter]. >> They're like, "No, there's just like a. series of pegs in the wall. You have to. take one out." And you're like, "Oh, okay. Well, it. If I knew it was. like for dumbasses." We were in there. for an hour, dude, with all of my wife's. like second-year medical school class. and like. time ran out. And I was like, "Okay, well, we didn't get out of the room, you know,

big deal." And then the doctors are. like, "Can we see the rest of it?" And I. was like, "Rest of it?" There was like. 12 more rooms in there we didn't even. get into. >> What? >> And then like the lady who runs it like, "Did you check this drawer?" And. everyone was like, "No, but we did like. take a duct off the ceiling and. like I would pulled up this rug that was. actually like nailed down." Oh, yeah. You should have checked this drawer. The. key's in there. >> [laughter]. >> So embarrassing. Did you guys ask for. hints? No, I would have loved a hint. Yeah. >> But no, I'm in there with young doctors. >> Yeah, they won't do it. >> of, you know, a lot of like uh.

first-generation Americans in there. True. Communication issues abound. >> True. And then just a bunch of like. beaten men who are like, "Oh, I like. football, too." You know, like like the. husbands of female doctors. Yeah, we. need a support group, bro. I I would I. would agree. I dated a doctor briefly. I. remember her being very intense. >> Oh, dude. Like specifically around like. I remember her being like a little bit. kind of like. in a funk one day and I was like, you. know, what Basically, the problem was. she just had the wrong answer in class. Mhm. And I was like, "That's it." And. she was like, "Dude, it's like.

humiliating in medical school to get the. wrong answer." And I was like, "Dude, that sucks." Oh, it's never-ending. I. had like a 10% hit rate in class. I was. wrong all the time, dude. Yeah, but. they'd be like Uh no, no, not not. exactly, no. And I'd be like, "All. right, well, I participated. That's for. my grade. I'm good. I'm in good. standing. I tried." Unlike the rest of. the cowards in here. [laughter]. You're holding the book upside down. You're like, "Oh, at least I did the. reading.". >> [snorts]. >> I was big on that. I would I would. really fire up cuz there is like a weird. uh tension in school where like no one. will raise their hand first and take a. stab. And I would I would take a stab.

Now, imagine heightening that with a. bunch of people who were like first in. their class and then first in their. class again in college. And now they're. all in one room competing for like, you. know, >> [snorts]. >> the prowess and the prestige of being. like the number one nerd. >> Smart, yeah. >> you get like three cocktails in them and. they're in an escape room and it's just. all this coming out. >> Yeah. The hierarchy's on display. The. bureaucracy's there. Like you see who's. like actually who people are looking to. as like the leader. Yeah, you're. watching like an Indian woman like the. father father's love leave her mind as. she like fails to get Yeah, she's She's.

like [laughter] flashing back to Holi. [snorts] fest when she was 13. She's. covered in colorful chalk. She's like, "Why aren't I there? [laughter] I could. have sold mangoes. I'd have been free.". Now I'm in Henderson, Nevada. >> [laughter]. >> Henderson. >> Yeah, I wonder. I wonder when the what. what generation will the Indian and. Chinese rebel against the like academic. strictures of the culture. >> I think we're getting there right now. Shen Yun is. Yeah, Shen Yun. I love Shen. Yun. Like we're tired of being doctors. We want to flip around. >> I always laugh thinking about following. Shen Yun like the Grateful Dead and just.

going [laughter] to all the cities. selling grilled cheeses. Like dumplings in the parking lot. Looking for a miracle out of Shen Yun. Yeah, I want an Asbury Park Shen Yun. ticket. I'm excited to get just you get old. enough to see some like American-bred. Asian punks. Yeah. I feel like you know, like the cool Japanese guys in like. Tokyo Drift who are like, "Oh, you think. you can beat me in a race.". >> We're getting there. We're getting there? I think so. I went. to high school with some of them. Especially Indians. Indians Oh, yeah. I. call them like like they love the Miami.

Heat. Yeah. They love LeBron James. They. they like really. attach themselves to black culture. >> Yeah, Coca-Cola. Yeah, they love selling. hamburgers. >> [laughter]. >> They saw an advertising that they saw in. Lebanon. Uh there's like I don't know if they're. actually like punk rockers with like, you know, mohawks and stuff. But like I. do think there's like the young At least. around Detroit, there's like the young. Indian, Middle Eastern type guy who like. has the all black like sweats on with. flip-flops all the time. Okay. >> not like, you know, like I like to.

listen to Crass and huff glue. But they. are kind of like, "Hey, Mom, I'm just. going to like smoke this vape cart and. like be online all day." And that's. their rebellion instead of like studying. like their sisters did. True. So I don't. think it's going to be like this like. big like pushback, you, rock and. roll, flag burning. It's more just like. this like quiet like. Okay. Like that kind of pissiness to. your mom? They're They're just not with. They're not just getting down with the. program. But then those guys would end. up driving Uber like 99 hours a week. So. they end up like getting it one way or. the other. >> Literally 100 hours a week. >> Yeah, dude, it's crazy. They'll pick you.

up and they're like, "Yeah, you're like. my 19th ride." I'm like, "Dude, it's. 6:00 a.m.". >> They're like, "Well, I get up at 3:00. a.m. and then I pick people up and then. I switch to the Lyft app cuz it cuts me. off after 12 hours." And it's just like, "Bro." I figured out how to drive 26. hours straight. >> [laughter]. >> What hour am I? 25. Their eyes are caked. They look like. fingernails. >> [laughter]. >> I've been to the airport 12 times today. Dude, it's Yeah, those those like lifer. Uber drivers that have just completely. cracked the code I'm always They always. like kind of freak me out a little bit. I'm like, "Dude, I made like four grand. this week." I'm like, "Fucking how?".

Yeah. They're grinding. >> They're breaking all the rules. >> Yeah. >> [laughter]. >> Yeah, I don't know. Like I feel like. those dudes who have like the Uber hacks. and they drive forever, like that is. like their first financial freedom and. they're really stoked on it. And then. you get in the car and you ask them one. question and then they like show you. like all the YouTube videos that they. watch to figure out how to like maximize. their time. And it's like your whole. life is being a car drone. Yeah. >> Like you've optimized your human form to. get You're a Waymo. Yeah. Yeah, it's. what you used to call machines.

>> [laughter]. >> Couple of Waymos here. Watch your. purses. No, now the Waymos are here. Yeah. And. the And the. What was it? The Tesla ones. The Tesla. bots or whatever. The Tesla ones I think. are. still learning. Okay. Like they have to. be driven and there's another brand. that's still learning and has to be. driven. And And someone else said this, but it's. funny because the people who drive them. are just regular people. So they pick up. on like bad driving habits. Like they. like roll red lights and things like. that. >> Yeah, I've I've been peeping the Waymos. are getting aggressive. Mhm. I've I've.

been seeing those things drive and. they'll like if someone stops, they'll. like whip it around and go around them. and and you know, I got like not cut off. by one, but I was like, "Oh, it's it's. designed to let me go." Like I I figured. like if you played chicken with the. thing, it's just going to let you go. So. I went to cut and it was just like and I. was like, "Oh, shit.". >> Okay. I guess there's a ghost in the. machine. Yeah, I think there is a ghost. in the machine. In San Francisco, they're just getting. torched all the time. Really? >> I was at Cobb's like last weekend and. there were just dudes talking about like. their friends going out with like. homemade Molotovs and smashing them on. Waymos. My thing is like, why? I don't.

know. I have no idea. Uh. it's like the Pokémon Go phenomenon. where like they mapped entire cities for. free because they put Snorlaxes in weird. places. >> Yeah, true. Yeah, so it's like, "Who. owns this? Like who knows the alleys. that I take every day? And you're going. to put a Slowpoke in there?". Yeah, but it's also like your phone. We've You've mapped I I would agree. You've probably mapped everything in. your phone. I think I think they have. everything of me. Yeah. >> And I willingly consented and given it. to them cuz I didn't want to read any. terms of service. Yeah, dude. TLDR. that, bro. The terms of service are.

crazy. >> I know. It's the thing that puts the. face on the dog. Also, you can still. read the terms of service and then you. still have to click yes. There's still. nothing Like if you actually read them, it's a complete waste of time. >> Right. You print them off. You like. redline them. Send them back to their. lawyer. Yes. You can't call your lawyer. and be like, "Yeah, well, let's let our. people talk for a little bit and see. Let's get it. >> out. Let's Let's figure out this deal. I'm making a deal with Apple right now. >> [laughter]. >> You just have to select them and be. like, "Yeah, for sure." Yeah. Or Or. you're just like you're not a part of. society. Like this whole like uh social. credit course score thing. It's like.

they haven't implemented that, but like. we all have to have the exact same stuff. or you're not allowed to participate in. like the human day. Yeah. So it's like, "Dude, I just want to succeed, man. I'd. love to just pull out, live in like one. of the lesser keys down in Florida, be. like Crab Man.". >> Damn, that'd be nice. >> Just be like burnt all the time. Yeah. Die at 58, but happy. Like outside. death. No one finds you for a while. Yeah. >> That's what I want. I want like a metal. detector death, dude. >> [laughter]. >> Just out there like crows eating your. eyes, you know. Your wife's like, "He. died here with somebody he loved." Keys.

Going in the keys would be nice. Just. unplugging. Although, you'd be in the. key I'd be in the keys. I'd have a. couple margaritas. I'd be on Facebook. being like, "Bro, Trump kicks. ass." You'd You'd eventually [laughter]. I have some faith in the big man, everybody. >> Yeah. Are you pulling it up? Thank you. >> Can't stop producing. Wow. This is the. kid. I mean, we came up on him and he. was He was a pit crew outside. One-man. pit crew. Changing his tires. >> low PSI. Keep moving it the whole time. Whoa, hey. Really worked that thing. God, they.

didn't see me do your penis. >> [laughter]. >> That's how you treat this. Yeah, you're probably You're probably. pretty good. >> I like that, man. I like that. Not That's the thing. A lot of people. don't have the gumption interrupt the. live broadcast. >> Right. >> [laughter]. >> to just. to grab this thing like it was a snake. that popped out of a hat. >> [laughter]. >> I had to No, I appreciate that. Are we. good over there? Yeah. Okay. Sorry, pal. The producer's I'm on ketamine, so. >> [laughter]. >> She's been raving for 36 hours straight.

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lineups after you play your first $5. lineup. PrizePicks. There's no more slogan. It's just. PrizePicks. I watched a I would say delightful video. today. You know the um. You know that like that debate format 20. verse one? Uh-huh. >> Or like where you're like circled where. it's like a one person you're surrounded. by people who disagree with you. Classic. debate format. >> gang bang. The conver- Yeah, the. conversational. >> [laughter]. >> But it do do It was Jillian Michaels. I. sent it to John. It was Jillian Michaels. versus 20 either obese or o- obese.

supporting body positive like therapists. and stuff. >> Yeah. And first of all, the the worst part. about it was in in that format it's like. whoever gets to talk has to race to the. chair. >> Right. So, like Jillian Michaels is. sitting Jillian Michaels is sitting. there and she's like, "All right, first. one to get there." You just watch. Everyone's getting up and trying to go. over. It was obviously. >> time at the hippo tank. >> [laughter]. >> They threw a bunch of pumpkins down. The. audio. The audio just. Chairs exploding. >> [laughter]. >> Just just to express fat attitude, basically. They should have had them in.

like like bean bags. [laughter]. I should have people like rocking out of. there. >> [laughter]. >> They should have like dizzy BATS. >> I'M HEALTHY. THEY HAD ARGUE with this lady that uh. and apparently the new So, she was using. obese, which I thought was like. respectful being obesity. And the one. lady said, "Excuse me, it's fat-bodied.". What? [laughter]. It's fat-bodied. It's fat-bodied. That's. the new acceptable term. >> [gasps and laughter]. >> I've been called fat-bodied and it. wasn't very inclusive or nice. I've been called fat-bodied in various. public pools and it didn't feel good.

>> [laughter]. >> Hey, I'm I'm a fat-bodied adult. >> No, fat-bodied is so funny. They're. like, "We don't Obese is It's. fat-bodied.". >> Hey, man, please. Respectfully, I'm. fat-bodied. [laughter]. Yeah, I know. I can see you. I was. trying to be nice. It gave fat. Yeah, I'm a wad. Yeah. >> [laughter]. >> I'm a blob. Whatever you want. But don't. be mean to me about it. It was It was. just great. It was just this like, you. know, super fitness lady being like, "Bro, I'm not like mad you guys are fat. It's just I'm coming here of the opinion.

that it's like unhealthy at a certain. point to have excess fat in your body. like like that's She was explaining like. that's what fatty liver is. It's like. fat itself isn't bad, but if you have. too much or whatever, it can start to. like turn into something bad. I don't. know. Whatever.". >> It like metastasizes and becomes like a. foreign body. And then if you have too. much fat, I think, as I'm a. chiropractor, as I showed on you. earlier. >> [laughter]. >> Uh I think that your body if if it gets. on fat gets on an organ, it'll start. attacking it like cancer. >> Yeah. And like heart disease can be. elements of that. >> Your brain? Your brain, dude. They're. always talking about how Alzheimer's is.

like type [snorts] three like diabetes. I didn't know I could get fat in my. brain. Oh, dude, I got fat head since. day one. >> [laughter]. >> And like as a guy who's like still fat, but was much more fat like fat. acceptance is so dangerous. Yeah. >> Because like. I don't know, dude. [clears throat]. You're You're allowing these people who. have like let like, you know, lost. control. It's a loss of control. It's a. physiology thing. It's It's a lot of. different elements, but you've lost the. battle. Yeah. >> And now we're just supposed to be like, "Hey, it's cool." Yeah. >> if they're making the choice like if it. is a slow form of suicide, then like you.

have to embrace it like that's man's. only option is to kill himself or like. have a cigarette or whatever. So, like. I just don't think that normalizing it. is like ultimately going to help the. little fat kids. Because like shaming a. little fat kid, that's what got me. running laps before school. Yeah. >> that you could see my tits through my. shirt. >> Dude, my mom shamed me my whole life. Even today, if I go home and I if I get. in the pool in the summertime, if I put. on weight, my mom will be like, "You've. gotten fat." Yeah. She'll just right out. She'll just be like, "Yeah, you damn, you're getting fat." And I'll I'll be. like, "All right.". >> You get it, too? Oh, yeah. What hope is. there for me then?

I was looking at you on stage last. night. You were like a Brooks Brothers. model with your great hair. You're making all these cool moves and. like you're filling out the shirt and I. was like, "Damn, maybe I could like do. traps." What are traps? >> just my mom. That was just my mom. Either I'm my mom is either I'm a little. shameful fat boy or my mom is muscle. man. I try to be my mom is muscle. [laughter] man every year. You've always been mommy's muscle man, haven't you? You have that energy. >> Big dick muscle man. Yeah. Yeah. >> [laughter]. >> Yeah. Pile on. I think I get crushed in. comments cuz my neck is is chubby. It's.

cuz you have 30 beers a day. Yes. >> [laughter]. >> Yeah. Yeah. Pretty much. You're going to. get pumpkin face. >> to do 50, you know, cut the pizza. >> intuitive drinking. That's part of body. positivity. >> Intuitive [laughter] drinking. Put a blindfold on. Make a cocktail. Well, they talk about. dude it's actually kind of crazy. So, you know, she's just arguing with all. these people and they're like. They're like. Well, [gasps and laughter]. hold on. Let me compose myself. I came from that. chair over there. >> [laughter]. >> And I say this with empathy. I'm a big. fat guy. I understand the play, but.

I was a fat kid. I was a fat kid. I was. a fat kid. It's like, you know, it's. it's tough. You people you get teased. and all this stuff and people pinch your. fat nipples and yell and laugh at you. >> Bean dipping, bro? You've been bean dipped recently? Dude, the former owner of the. Springfield Comedy Club, when we were. down there last time, Nathan Lund goes. on stage. He's like, "Hey, knock 'em. dead." Sack taps Lund. >> [laughter]. >> Sack tapped him right before he's. walking up. So, Lund's walking on stage. like, "Oh, fuck.". Oh, that's crazy. Like the first two. minutes of his set we're like, "Yeah, the owner just sack tapped me." He's. like.

Like on the on the balls of his toes, you know, that one to shake him out. That's crazy. >> he bean dipped me. He bean dipped me before I walked on me, the headliner. I've known him for 12. years. I was the only guy who worked. this club before, you know, you got the. settlement money or whatever. You're. going to flap my flapjacks on. the way up? I mean, also, how did that. affect you psychologically? >> I wanted to be on fire. >> [laughter]. >> I wanted to grab him after he flapped me. and jumped down the stairs. I want to be. a human bomb, bro. I went up there and I. was mad. Like the first 15 minutes I.

watched the tape. First 15 minutes I'm. like finding to be mad at on stage. And Lund also did the funny bit of I. just got sack tapped. So, I can't walk. up and be like, "Hey, he bean dipped me, folks." [laughter]. That was humiliating. >> like cuz. >> [snorts]. >> some people wouldn't know what it was. You'd have to Yeah. Illustrate. You have to flap your own. jugs. >> And now you're reactivated. >> Right, yeah. >> [laughter]. >> Now you're back in the stairwell getting. you know. It's irresistible. No, you're. irresistible. Yeah. [laughter]. Yeah, it was it was great, man. It was. really um.

It was a good display of just what we. deal with now of just being like, "If I. get angry enough at you and convince you. you're a horrible person based on just. my own emotions, I'm right." And it was. just 20 people being like, "You're. actually a huge piece of shit." She's. like, "Why?" She's like, "Cuz because. it's just not fair for you to say that. to a fat-bodied person." Every time. they're fat people going Yeah. Yeah, this is This is a sign of just like. we're all full of but cuz this. would exhaust me. >> [laughter]. >> What if a Japanese tourist come cuz they. think they're going to feed seals? But yeah, I'm I'm not I'm not uh. fat-body phobic at all.

>> I'm not either. I have many fat friends. I'm a fat guy. Not fat-body phobic, but. yeah, it is it is. >> nice to me. I swam in the pool last. year. No one said, "Hey, look at those. drugs." You know. >> Cuz I was a fat kid. I remember. You get. it, man. >> the torment, dude. My nickname was. Thunder Thighs, dude. Still to this day. You fill out those pants. >> Dude, my thighs are. >> [laughter]. >> crazy, dude. It's like you got a third thigh right. there. You holding Sharky these peace. for? Yeah, right, bro. Uh It's just. That's my prosthetic. Well, what the. >> [laughter]. >> We've We've witnessed the death We've. witnessed the death of like ethos and. logos and now it's all pathos. This is. the emotional thing. We're supposed to.

make arguments. Pathos was like the last. vestige of a bad orator. So, like you. were supposed to then if you weren't. like making your points, you're supposed. to be then emotional and big and do all. the tricks cuz you couldn't get there. with the ethics of it or the logic of. it. And now it's just all pathos. And. you've got like, you know, >> [sighs and gasps]. >> huge people arguing with a woman for. like so mean guys can watch it online. Literally, all the comments are just. people laughing being like, "Dude, running to the chairs hilarious." And it. is it is pretty funny.

>> And they knew what they were doing. They. knew. I know. They 1,000% know. It's. just this is a spectacle. They're not. going to get to anything. Dude, they. They even had a thing on like the uh. big snack companies like, you know, Frito-Lay's, all this stuff, Pepsi. They. They're There was like an investigative, you know, journalism thing, an article, where they had internal internal company. memos of being like. why it's why body positivity is good cuz. they were like, you know, like certain. points of it like intuitive eating was. one. Intuitive eating makes sure that we.

we don't like, you know, our snacks. don't come under fire. This thing body. positivity, calorie count. There's a. part of it where it's like get calories. off of stuff. It's like, you know, that's that's like. kind of shameful. Like why should I have. to be rep- Like why should I have to be. reminded of how many calories? It's pretty nice. >> have to exist in a world just bereft of. anything that makes sense. Yes. >> Like we because people don't want to. know that like that entire bag of Fritos. has 1200 calories. They're going to eat. it anyway. >> and Pepsi's like pushing it being like, yeah, actually this is this is that very. important for the body positivity cuz.

they just want to keep everyone going. and punching. It's like how they put. protein on Pop-Tarts now. >> [laughter]. >> And it's like, oh, okay. So, me on. GLP-1s, I can eat Pop-Tarts and still go. to the beach. It's joke and. everyone's just like, yeah, it's crazy. And then we're just back on our phones. Like, we're so cooked, bro. >> I've do I've I'm not cooked. I'm not. cooked. You're not cooked. We got to. maintain the light in the dark, bro. We can't give in. No, you can't. It's so hard not to though. >> I know. It's so hard not to just be like. pull out that white flag and start. jerking off.

>> [laughter]. >> Yeah, I'm going to get I'm going to get. high at 8:00 a.m. Who cares? Stick it on. my nipples with the white flag. Yeah, I. like how you when you brought up. your wife like jerking you off. He's like he's like lick my nipples and. Britt made a funny noise across the. balcony. [laughter]. She was on stage last night, she went. like, all right, baby. Yeah, that's. impossible. I was participating. I've never heard my. wife on stage except for the one time. she heckled me in Key West. What did she say? Oh, dude, I was doing. some bit. I asked a woman and my wife we. went on a like a wine cruise before the.

show. So, it was like we had like 12. bottles of wine in like an hour, you. know? >> [laughter]. >> My wife gets there and she's like a. pirate like one-eyed, you know? Like she. met some gal on the cruise. She's like, come to the show, it'll be fun. So, they. like sit her down and I hear in the back. of the room talking during the middle. and I'm like I go up to her and I'm. like, hey baby, you know, we're all. having fun. That's like as much as you. can say. >> [laughter]. >> Like I'm over there trying to like. diffuse a bomb before I go on. stage and entertain. Hey, honey, you. know, it's fun to have fun, right? >> [laughter]. >> Hey, I'm at work, you know? But I am. I.

really am. This is my whole thing, you. >> [laughter]. >> So, I go up on stage and I I was I don't. know, I was doing crowd work. It was two. rival boat crews were there. So, like and like what they both hated. the same captain. So, I like made fun of. one boat crew and then this boat crew. like joined in making fun and I was. like, oh, well, hey, you guys are a. different boat crew and then this boat. crew is like, correct, you know? So, it's kind of chaos. >> Yeah. And then I asked a woman in the. crowd I don't know, I was drunk, too. I. asked a woman, I was like, have you ever. been pregnant? Which is an insane. question to ask. >> [laughter]. >> Insane question, but again, I'm doing.

triage comedy and I know there's a. ticking time bomb in the back and she is. wearing my wedding ring. So, I was like, hey, you ever been. pregnant? And I hear someone in the back. go, you have no right to ask her that. And I say, that sounds like my wife. And. she says, it was. And I was like, oh, no. Like, what am I supposed to do? Uh it's. dude and yeah, >> bombed. It's a tough spot. And it's also. like, I don't know, part of me feels. like the crowd would be excited like, wait, his wife's here? No, no. But they. don't. Yeah, they're kind of like, well, what the going on right now? What. if she is like his nurse, too? She. doesn't trust him. They have to do the.

road together cuz he cheats. They just. project right away. >> [laughter]. >> Yeah, dude. >> Wait, what is that real? Yeah. >> Yeah. No, I've I've yeah, I I've had it. before where Bernie will also take it. upon her She doesn't do this anymore, but like when I first started. headlining, she would come sometimes and. if people would talk, she would like go. up like a bouncer and be like, hey, be. quiet at your table. And people be drunk. and they shut the up. Then I was on. stage one time that happened and I'm on. stage and I was already like battling. with this guy and she had at some point. been like, hey, keep it down. And he. said something back to her and I heard.

her just be like, excuse me? And I was. like on stage like, what the did. you say, dude? >> Oh, yeah. And then like just the whole. crowd was like, what I don't want It was. They were like a dysfunctional family. party. They're just like, this is. uncomfortable. Oh, dude, what the. did you say? >> It's my wife. >> [laughter]. >> It's just like ultimate white trash. Like I know we're joking around, but. I'll you up right now. >> [laughter]. >> Yeah, yeah. Wimos are weird, aren't. they, folks? Well, I tried to have him. come on stage like, come on stage. Like. I was like, here's my cool moment. I'm. going to like destroy this guy. He came. up without a mic and was like, dude, you're gay. And I couldn't talk.

and I was like, get the off THE. STAGE, DUDE. EVERYTHING BAD HAPPENED. >> THEN I GOT my check and it was way less. than I expected. And I was like, man, I. really hate myself right now. I really. [laughter] hate my life. Oh, I just. mortgaged my soul for $500. All right. [laughter] And then Britt and. Britney leaves with him. Yeah. Yeah, he walks out holding her hand. We. still have to do 40 minutes. >> had like a tailored leather jacket. It. was like perfect sleeve length. >> Where was it? I don't remember. It was cursed in Phoenix. It was cursed. in Phoenix.

Cursed in Phoenix. Cursed in Phoenix. Me. and Phoenix, I've been hexing the. Phoenix [clears throat] market my whole. life. Cuz it's all 22-year-olds. >> Is that what it is? >> It's all kids. If you do that Tempe. club, it's like on the college campus. Cuz I did I did one Phoenix room in this. last time I went down there and it was. just a bunch of like kids with backwards. hats just like wearing shorts like, all. right, bro. And I was [laughter] like, I'm going to talk to you guys. about like being married and honesty? This sucks. Yeah, I did I did a bunch of. marriage material at Gang Fest last year. and I was like, I was doing the math. I'm like, I don't know if this is. landing here. This is Yeah, it's a bunch.

of like poly gas station employees. Oh, for sure. [laughter]. Yeah. It's a lot of those ladies who get. like that weird like hair extension. that's pink and then they have to carry. it all day. >> [laughter]. >> Have you seen this phenomenon? You know. what I'm talking You're a rave person. You know what I'm talking about. I don't. know what that is. It's like a It's like. a purple like like predator. tail. I I I think I do know what that. >> They plug it into the back of their. head. It's like an extension. It looks. like one big like dreadlock like thing. and it's so long that they have to like. carry it around in their like Daffy Duck. sweatpants at the at the Bucky's. What? Yeah, yeah. Is it one long purple braid?

Purple, pink, could be a menagerie of. colors. Damn, that's weird. And. again, this could be a more of a Detroit. specific phenomenon. No, no, I I recently did like a very Gen Z kind. of show. It was. if you laugh, you leave. And that was like I [clears throat] got. there and oh, there you Okay, well, that's kind of like that. I'm not going. to lie, but You can put it in your butt. when you get home. >> [laughter]. >> But it's just like one. Yeah, just boom, right in the back. >> see them like, you know, if their kids. act up being like, you've had enough Fun. Dip and just wrapping them with.

[laughter] the you know. Yeah, beat with your braid. >> Yeah. I don't need more Buddy's pizza. >> [laughter]. >> The the crowd was for real like there. was a furry in the crowd. There was like. gay guys dressed as like Count Dracula. It was They were all like wearing like. >> typo negatives. >> [laughter]. >> It was It's like, yeah. It was just weird, man. It was like They. were like young, young, very internet. kind of internet heavy kids that were. just like dressed bizarrely. Dude. >> Like They were dressed like sprites and. like fairies. It was really. weird.

>> Yeah. And they were just like They. looked like anytime you would say. anything like slightly They weren't like. super sensitive, but they would just be. like, >> [snorts]. >> huh? If you would say anything like kind. of weird or up. Well, their. filter is just like. their entire life they've just been like. in this pool of like human shame and how. to identify it. Yeah. So, like young. people when they like when you hit them. with a joke, they're like. trying to like turn it into like the. neutrinos of how to be mad at you, I. feel, you know? Like it's just like. going through this like sieve and then. it's like dissipating across their face. and they're like, okay, he said trans. and I'm not going to listen to the rest.

of the joke. >> Yeah. Yeah, it's bizarre, dude. They're. like, what does this mean about me? They're like, I do the meet and greets like after all. the shows and sell the merch and I see. the kids come up and they're getting so. young. Yeah. >> It must be like Kill Tony or like high. Whatever it is, I always try and figure. it out. I'm like, they're so young and. they're stoked and like they're stoned. as. >> Yeah. And they come up and they're like, all right. And you're like, okay. And. they put my armpit on their. shoulder and take a picture and they. can't say a word. Yeah, kids, man. I get a lot of I get. like a decent amount of coke bros. Yeah.

Yeah, [clears throat] a lot of coke. You. They come up and their pupils are like. that big. Like, dude, that was. man. Dude, me and my boy have this. business. It is crazy. You got. to check it out, right now. And they. went to the bathroom three times during. the show. [laughter]. Yeah, dude. I hate the guys who go to the bathroom. They're clearly geeked on either ket or. coke and then at the merch line they're. like, bro, that was the best. It's like, you were gone for 22 minutes. >> [laughter]. >> You weren't in there. >> You were in the bathroom with three of. your friends for like half my set. And. the only person who's aware of it and. secretly mad is me, the man you. complimented. >> [laughter].

>> The man who you paid to see. Yeah, I. watched the whole thing. Yeah, no, you. didn't. Dude, that yeah, that that thing. you're talking about of like. people being completely disconnected. from reality and having like no basis to. like like the pathos and whatever ethos. I'm reading a book right now by this guy. Alasdair MacIntyre. It's called After. Virtue and he wrote it like I think in. the '60s. And he basically goes back. So, here This is the It starts off, it's. crazy. So, he This is his thing. It's. called like the the big problem and he. was like, imagine a world where like.

something bad happens and we just. completely dismantle science. We We're. like, science, scientists. We. kill scientists. We burn all the labs. down. So, science has been completely. eradicated. It's just it's no more. Library of Alexandria burnt down. worldwide. >> Exactly. And then every And then we. come, you know, a few hundred years. later people go, yeah, this. actually maybe that wasn't the problem. Let's Let's fire science back up. But. all they're left with are like the book. the broken pieces of what science once. was. So, they're like resurrecting bits. and pieces of this once like. comprehensive body of knowledge.

>> [snorts]. >> And then they all they can do is try to. use the bits and pieces to like. basically gain themselves an advantage. with like It's like a half understanding. of a thing. And they try to like use those to like. basically promote their own kind of. agenda. >> of like me having any argument with. anyone. Yeah, well, that's what he's. talking I have like three shards and I'm. like, well, actually, I saw a 30-second. video that [clears throat] said. different. So, that's And that's what he. goes like, you know, that That's where. we are with like moral debate now. Like. we've we've completely shattered the. foundation of it and it's just people. with bits and pieces who have feelings. who just want to be right and want you. to agree with them. And he's like,

that's just kind of where we're at and. uh I mean, Hitler was really good at. that, too. >> Who's nasty? >> Yeah, like all those guys who like moved. people to commit awful were really good. at moving the crowd, communicating without any kind of like. logic behind it. And it's literally. people looking and being like, that guy. is good. Yeah, I like that guy. I'm. going to vote for that guy. He's loud. >> Guys get me charged up. All right. But. that that was his whole thing. He like. takes all these like big debates in our. time and he's like, we'll never get to. the bottom of them. Like he's like. abortion. He's like, it's just two. different people being like, well, let.

me let me tell you the facts of the. matter. I'm I'm objective here. You're. complete And they people just sit there. and argue and just essentially go the. argument's like, you're a piece of. and if you agree with me, you'd be good. And he's like, that's that's what we're. left with now. >> to scold them into agreeing with you, which is historically one of the worst. ways to move the needle at all, is to. try and demean and make small. Yeah. Um. Now, the book the book is cool. He he uh. basically talked He's like the the the. from his, you know, point of view. And. it's it's like really complicated. I had. to get like a book about the book to. understand it cuz it is kind of like.

dense. Um You're listening to like the. Succession podcast after the episode, but for your book. Pretty much. Yeah. But he's like it's it's so it goes so. far back to where like. he was like we've we've had like a. series of things happen within like, you. know, from like Aristotle all the way to. post-modernism at like points where we. like we, you know, we we ditch the. Aristotle point of view, which I don't. fully understand, but it's more or less. just like a guy. who's like undogmatic about like, you. know, it doesn't have like the. influences of the church, just like the. ancient Greeks looking around like what.

is the sickest thing I could do for. myself that would increase the stoke for. the collective and myself at the same. time. Yeah. Then you have the church. come in and it's like, well, dude, if. you come, you're evil. Right. >> So, then everyone got this like weird. thing where they're like, oh, the the. what's good is like kind of an external. authority that I have to kind of obey. And then that got shattered to where. it's like, no, man, just do whatever you. feel. So, now you're just you have these. like completely kind of unrelated. contextless people just like having. emotional reactions and trying to like. please others to like regulate their own. emotions. >> Yeah, trying to control this world.

that's complete chaos. >> Yeah. >> And like we all have our own reality. that originates from this thing and then. we're just like little nation-states. wandering around bumping into people. Yep. >> So, there's no community, there's no. connectedness. It's really scary. I was. telling him to join a bowling. league, I think. I know it was I think. >> Dylan kid. I was like, get back to. bowling, bro. Like we need to find. something. >> That's that's kind of that's kind of the. thing. He's like, we got to strip it. down to like the smallest tiniest. communities and get those things to. work. And then from there you can kind. of branch out cuz he's like Yeah. Pretty. much the tenants of anarchy, but Yeah, pretty much.

>> [laughter]. >> I love you you love systems of coercion. But it is funny it's funny. He's. basically like we're so far gone that. even like like the the the things have. become so distorted that even if you. like go to school for philosophies, like. you're basically just kind of jerking. yourself off cuz you're tools you're. using are just like just complete chaos. None of it makes sense. There's no. context to anything. It's like. >> like regurgitating facts that some other. guy and it's also funny cuz like in. philosophy, like there's no truths, you. know? It's like people like arguing for. their like objective truth or whatever. So, it's like kind of like with comedy.

where you're like, how do I like make it. in comedy and there's like no playbook. whatsoever and we're all just like kind. of chasing this like imaginary tail. Well, no, you post your episode every. day at 2:00 p.m. on Wednesday and that. treats you gets the algorithm going. 100% [laughter] it gets juiced. Yeah. But no, it's it's exactly that. >> Well, I was I was envious of you last. night when you said that you spent. Easter with your neighbors and that some. of your neighbors came to the show cuz. like I'm not at all like entrenched in. my neighborhood at all despite like some. legitimate effort, you know, like going. to the community center, like all this.

like outside waving to people. Everyone's walking their dog with. headphones on. >> Yeah. Even when they're out on your city. sidewalk, you can't still like engage. with the people who live 3 minutes away. And uh it's very frustrating and I think. that a lot of people are just like. completely alone and disconnected. And then they have like a girlfriend or. a boyfriend and they like cling on until. it dies, like Lenny from Mice and Men. You're just like crushing the one thing. that loves you and sees you as who you. are. And then you get mad at them cuz. they make you feel like a baby sometimes. and you're like, I don't need you. I. don't need anyone. Then you're just a. joker. Yeah.

>> There's a bunch of us that are just the. joker out there. And that's what I want. to talk to you about is this like. initiative that I want to do. Oh, yeah. Like help these dudes, these. dead-eye dudes I see at the merch table. who are like, you know, doing. pharmaceuticals, they get online to. enjoy the comedy show with the guy they. really like. >> Yeah. >> time we come to their town and they. still have to be up at the show. Not just booze, but it's like a variety. of things. Yeah, like completely whacked. out. >> Yeah. Yeah, well, I will say the. neighborhood cohesion, that's all my. wife. She's very like she's very. outgoing and friendly. She We were there.

for like a year and then she had already. had like she joined this group. It's. like the, you know, like the like a mom. group of like our neighborhood. And next. thing I know we would we would have like. 20 people at our house all going out. together. It's really nice. Yeah. Play. basketball now. That's like we play. basketball every year every year. I want. I want to Play pickleball. >> play bocce. [clears throat]. Play pickleball now. You know? Bocce, you need a sick hat for bocce. I have a. sick hat. What what All I have is the. sick What would you go with? Bowler, fedora? No, dude, I have like a big like. like almost like Yaoman farmer, like an. Asian, but not really. Like a Mongolian.

step hat. Oh, that's awesome. >> It has like a crazy braid under here and. I tie it up and it's like a scarf. [laughter]. I just look like a widow in the south, you know? Like I should be in a rocking. chair. But I want to put that gear on. and hit the bocce pit. And like you. should. That's kind of you. can't, honestly. >> could go play by myself like a psycho in. my big hat and then no one's going to. want to play with me if they see me. alone. Might be Field of Dreams. You'd be like, oh, he got early onset. Alzheimer's. You'd have one guy be. walking his dog and he'd go home, put on. his fedora and take every ounce of. courage and you walk up and be like, hey, man, you mind if I toss those balls. with you? Just a bunch of guys who have.

a hat they've been waiting to wear. >> [laughter]. >> And then they see me and they're like, that's the spark. He's the change he. wants to see. Yeah, man. I'm also coming around on. this like fat guy thing. Like I think. it's kind of cool that fat people are. like, you know what? you. Like It's. hard for me to be I'm going to be fat. I'm tired of being told I'm fat. I'm. fat-bodied. I'm not obese. That's a. medical term. >> Yeah, get the calories off soda. Get You look at that yourself. I don't. want to see that. And like fat people, for the most part, are either like. really funny or like have never said a. funny thing ever. So, it's really hard.

to like know which one you're dealing. with. Cuz I'll see a fat guy like in. public and be like, all right, this. guy's going to do something. Yes. I have to go to Bed Bath & Beyond. again. >> [laughter]. >> It's so true. >> My sheets are yellow. Yeah, it's either. the funniest guy ever or it's just like. not at all. >> Well, it's because as a really fat kid, you learn how to be funny to get along. and defend yourself or you just like. take it and bullet sponge and become. harder and harder while you're getting. softer and softer. >> [laughter]. >> And then like, you know, you have to go. to college and interact with people and. you're like, I'm not fat.

>> [laughter]. >> You have like a breathing device. It's like, yeah, fat people, take it. back, bro. What's what's the idea? What's what's the. >> with a fat like problem, too. I'm having. identity crisis because I still feel. like I need to. be [clears throat] there for my fat. brethren, but also like kind of show. them like a path towards cuz like I had. a lot of identity involved in being a. fat guy. Yeah. It's like not just the. fact that like I was fat. It was like, well, now I'm a fat funny guy who has. like a little bit of a public life. So, I lose this weight, like what clown am. I? It's a comedy mech suit. Right. And. then you're 36 saying, what clown am I?

And you're like, this is all gone. Like I'm so beyond anything that makes. sense. I'm just going to like try and. lose some weight so I can, you know, see. my niece graduate or whatever. >> [laughter]. >> No, I I think you're rocking it. I think. you're I get it though. That would yeah, if I was. >> I can't turn my back on them. No. >> No, you can't. >> Those are my guys. Yeah, you can't at. all. And I'm still with them and I get. on stage and talk about weight loss and. like I see them out there and I want. them to know like I'm not talking to. you, big fat guy. Yeah, no, I I that. that makes sense though. You never want. to turn your back on the fats. I would. never turn my back on the fats. I I like.

I do like teasing the fats. Of course. And they like getting teased. Yeah, I. get it. They've been teased. True. Yeah. But yeah, no, that's that's very. important. You know, what what was your. idea for the young men that are just. >> Oh, so, dude, I was talking to them. I I. [clears throat] drove here from Houston. yesterday. >> Mhm. And like when I drive alone, that's. the only time I like actually think. Like I disassociate like you most of the. time. But when I'm in a car by myself, I. put on This American Life until I can't. hear it anymore and then I'm just like. alone with my thoughts. >> talk to yourself? Uh yeah, for sure. Voice I I yeah. But it's always like.

someone else's talking and I'm like, who. said [laughter] that? I'm so down in the rabbit hole of my own. ass. But dude, so we have all these like. young dudes out there, right? Who like. have pretty much like been told like, hey, fellas, you ran the world, it's. broken, we're taking you off the shelf. Yeah. It's great, you know? Let someone. else have the ball, they'll it up, we'll be back probably, you know? Cuz. ultimately like there's a lot of like. when you knock everything off the shelf, which is created by capitalism, of. course. That's the shelf. You have all. these shards. And right now it's like. mostly like straight white guys who are.

in shards and like society at large is. like, hey, good. Be shards for a while. So, there's this like schadenfreude of. like, hey, actually like shut up and. listen. So, like just be worms for a. while. So, while they're down there, they're eating dirt and they're. metastasizing, you know? And they're. like spreading this disease and it's. like I really think that someone has to. give a about these guys who have. been told that like they're the reason. the world is Cuz like, you know, dudes Sean's age, like they were told. like, go to college, get a job, you'll. own a house, like the American dream is. yours. That's completely ripped in.

shreds. There's no American dream. anymore. So, you have all these dudes. that like just go deeper deeper online. and get meaner and meaner and like, you. know, more galvanized in this echo. chamber. And I'm thinking if we could. get some of these dudes together at some. kind of like I've been saying white guy. conference, you know? >> [laughter]. >> Which is bad. Like, hey, we're going to go into white. guys together in Oklahoma City and, you. know, get it together. But I think if we. could like throw some kind of like. actual face-to-face event where we go in. with people not like we have it figured. out, but like you're admirable, you've.

done a lot of looking inward, you have a. psychology degree, you care about. people, social work. Excuse But I get I get what you're. saying. And it's like last night on. stage you said, you were like, uh. you know, I'm worried about everyone all. the time. I have a huge heart. I have the same thing where it's like I. want to be the sin-eater for all these. kids who are sad. So, it's like if we. could get them together and just like. have radical honesty and talk about the. things and have like Joe List do a. symposium on like sobriety or like.

Rainey on like not being a Like. all these dudes that like kind of were. trying to get better and just exhibit. this behavior in a place without any. phones or booze. Probably in the middle of the country. Yeah. I think we could actually like. send these dudes back with some tools to. not like shoot up the mall. Cuz we're. just If we can negate like one woman. flinching when her husband walks into. the room, True. we've done our job. >> That's true. A symposium would be nice. I would like a nice symposium. >> Dude, you go, you have your thing. It's. You don't have to be funny. You're going. to be You're going to be funny cuz you. can't help it, but like you got your.

presentation. You get up there. for an hour. And then afterward, we can. talk to these dudes. We can have little. like break-off groups where it's like if. you want to work on stuff specifically, like we could moderate those. And I. don't have any kind of like background. in this, but I do care. And I want to. help cuz like I've been doing stand-up. for 20 years and it's like not boring, but like what's the next juice? Like how. can I actually be of service? Cuz I have. a platform, I see the kids at the merch. line, I see the hope in their eyes, but. nothing curdles or becomes more. corrosive than dead hope. The dead.

ambition. And we got to get in there in. the scars of them and the wounds and. like clear out all that dead debris so. like they can heal, bro. We got to be. gardens they can grow in. That'd be. sick. Cuz right now we just like provide. them some that's escapism. That's. great. That's not service. We're This is. not altruistic. We're benefiting off of. this. I'm trying to sell my tickets. You. know, Shawn needs new tires. >> [laughter]. >> So, it's like I'm not trying to pretend. that what I do when I go on stage is. emancipating them from their actual. problems, but like I would like to like. try and help more. Like the only way I. think I can do it is to be like be able.

to touch them, you know, tell. them like hey man, it's not your fault. Like sorry your dad was mean, you know, or like be like it is your fault and. let's fix it. >> just thinking how we can monetize this. Well, we should We [laughter] just. started. $5,000 ahead. All right. Yeah. Recoup it at a thousand. >> Dude, I would love to do a symposium. That'd be really nice. The Here's the. problem. The The things like this that. exist that get self-promotional looks so. brutal. Yes, the manosphere. I. want to call it in. I want to call it. returning to the odium. Turn of the.

odium. You know the odium? >> No. The odium was like the. >> [clears throat]. >> the Roman idea of. >> [sighs and gasps]. >> work was looked down upon. Like we're in. this whole like thing of like hustle, grind, like work 20 hours a day. Like. that's what a man does. They looked down on that. Like what a. man's ultimate pursuit was was like to. try and like better himself, learn, create art, like luxuriate, reflect. Not. luxuriate, but like have time to. reflect. Dude, you're talking to This is. the return to Aristotle. This is what. McIntyre is talking about. I'm saying.

return to odium. That's what we're. trying to build, bro. That's. tight. And it's just like if we can give. them the tools to not be mean to their. boss at work who is a or at. least try and like. take a breath before you pop off. at that next meeting. You know, before. you. >> [laughter]. >> spike the [snorts] can of liquid death. Cuz you killed for an hour except for. one second. Yeah. I flubbed the. last line on my closer last night and I. was [laughter]. walking off stage. I had my liquid death. and I was for real about to just. hurl it down the steps and I there's. like a camera right there and I'm like.

bro, I can't be on camera. I'm going to. like. spazzing. So, I squeezed it. I squeezed. it. Just absolute spazz. Just. in the green room and he was like I. up the last line. I was like. yeah, make sure you focus on that. instead of the other 99.9%. [laughter]. That's also what I would do, which is. true. I would for sure get off and like. I wouldn't I couldn't even go in the. green room. I'd be in the stairwell like. >> [sighs]. >> Well, I do like to get back to the green. room as fast as possible just cuz I love. it. People like damn, you're already. back. I'm like yeah, dude. I move pretty. quick, but. >> [laughter]. >> I had multiple fish to fry.

But I was still stewing. I was like So, you want people to think you're a. wraith? You're like nightcrawler? [laughter]. Vampire speed. You know the vampire show. and they're like. That's what I want. Like damn, do you. have vampire speed? >> [laughter]. [gasps]. >> That's a funny to get off stage and be. like just run to the green room to like. impress, you know, Kurt Metzger with how. quick you are? That's all I had left. [laughter] I was like I flubbed the. flubbed the closer. I got to be fast. That's all I had. It was the second to. last word you said, dude, that you. up. I know. Oh, man. I was I was telling him. I was out there.

watching him last night getting real. stoned with Butterly up on the balcony. and like I was I was watching and I was. like dude, that's my friend and like all. these people here to see him and he's. really good at his job and I'm in like. the coolest comedy club and I can smoke. weed in here. Like life is so cool. Just like a moment when you like connect. with what's actually happening instead. of like the facade of it. So, but. anyway, dude, that's my big pitch is I. want to like try and help more. >> That'd be nice. I do It's really nice. I. worry that people. won't appreciate it though. I worry.

they're stuck in their ways. Well, and. that's fine, but I do think the people. who would actually take the trip to. Oklahoma City and we're not going to. have it be 10,000 people. It's going to. kind of be like Skankfest for guys who. like to do crafts, you know? That'd be. nice. That'd be gay Skankfest. [laughter]. Gay Skankfest. Yeah. And we'll have a. class on, you know, killing the voice in your head that. calls stuff gay, >> [laughter]. >> you know? That'll be a class. I want to. do one on ambition and it's just every. slide says you will die one day and just. be like so, that's why I do stuff cuz I. know this is going to happen and you.

might be thinking well, I'll put it off. and it's like well, tomorrow this could. happen to you and it will happen in the. blink of an eye. Yeah. You will die. >> [laughter]. >> Cuz it's like so easy to like actually. use your time. If you could just be shown like how much. time you wasted on your phone on your. deathbed. or my new thing is if before like Saint. Peter like greets you, he's like you. want more life? Let's see how you used. yours. And then it's like literally 7. years of like you scrolling. Actual real. time 7 years. >> Oh, easily, man. I mean I'm I've gotten. down to 3 hours a day and that's like.

that was like major. That's huge. >> Yeah, cuz you need so rocking. I think. like six at least is like the baseline. Do you wake up and look at your phone. immediately? Dude, [clears throat]. that's like the big one I'm fighting. right now. Yeah. Just quarter saw right. away. The world's mad at you. 40 emails you have to do. And I'm mad at. them, too. I'll I'll check the weather every now. and again, but I I typically don't get. up and do phone right away. Well, you. also have like kids so you have like. priorities and I wake up and I'm. like. at the hotel. >> counts aren't good in Phoenix. Yeah, dude. That's the story of my life, but.

Yeah, well, if I'm in the hotel by. myself, that's when the phone rules. I'll like wake up and just be like. Dude, if I'm in a hotel, bro. Yeah. It's. city skylines until I got to go to the. show. >> [laughter]. >> I'm on that laptop. Putting in. residential zones and watching it grow, bro. Hey everyone, come see me live. Helium. April 8th in Atlanta. Come see me Wis En. Comedy Lounge North Charleston. I'll be. at Mike Drop in Detroit, The Comedy Nest. in Montreal, Ottawa, Baton Rouge, Lafayette, New Orleans, Buffalo, both.

Zany's, Madison, Doctor Grins. Get those tickets from Punch Up Live. And uh if you wouldn't mind buying my. pre-ordering my book, my next novel's. out September 22nd from Random House, but I would like to get to 10,000. pre-sales so I can be a best seller and. beat Mr. Beast and James Patterson. >> That's what I'm talking about. >> book, violent book of erotic revenge, gay hitman in Paris doing one last job. Bro. Last 30 pages are just a violent. onslaught, phantasmagoria. I'm really. stoked on it. It's pretty. That's. awesome, man. Yeah, I mean definitely. definitely go see Sam live. That That.

last night was so funny. Thanks, man. So, definitely go do that. And the. book the first book was awesome. I'm. excited I'm excited to read the second. Me, too, bro. I'm so stoked on this. thing and it's been my entire life for. like a year or so. Over it. Let's go. Shawn, what you got, bro? Oh, I'll be in. Springfield, Missouri, Tulsa, Oklahoma, Oklahoma City, and Cincinnati, Ohio in. May. Please come see those shows if you. can and Optimum Knocktus at The Creek. and The Cave the first and third Tuesday. of every month. >> Hell yeah. Hell yeah, man. Thank you. very much. shawnregancomedy.com. Well,

guys, I'll be April 10th I'll be at the. Fitzgerald Theater, Saint Paul, Minnesota and then I'll be at Des. Moines, Iowa on 4/11 the next day. And. then here's the big ones, man. 4/17 the. Cursed Phoenix, Arizona. I'll be at the. Celebrity Theater. It's in the round. It's a 20. >> That's the one Mitch Hedberg laid down. on. What? He would lie down and they. would just throw pills at him on stage. and he would be circling and he would. like see a pill and just eat it. What? Yeah, him Sam Morril told me that story. That's like legendary spot, dude. >> Yeah, well, I think it slowly spins, dude. Does it? >> I thought so, yeah.

>> I'm worried I won't complete the circle. I need to get the sale so I don't do it. in the 270. I'm worried I won't get the. full round going. I'll do it in the U. Brutal. That would suck. [laughter]. So, guys, please come to the Celebrity. Theater. I'll literally I'm going to. hire seat fillers if you guys don't. come. >> to buy all the seats so no one's there. >> [laughter]. >> Just leave a big block of no seats. Celebrity Theater 4/17. That's going to. be fun. And I also am a I love the. round. Yeah. I'm a pig for the round, actually. I really come alive in the. round. Guys, after that 4/18 I'll be in. Tucson, Arizona and then 5/15 I'll be in.

Toronto. That'll be fun. I think it's. two shows and I I believe they're going. to be sold out so there might be a. little bit of tickets on the last show. >> Town. Yeah, I'm excited for Toronto. They're they've been showing me a lot of. love unlike ass Phoenix, Arizona. Guys, and then finally the Riviera. Theater in Chicago, Illinois. That's. going to be very fun. I I love Chicago. so come to that. >> When are you there? Uh May 16th. I'll be there. What? I'll. be in town. I'm at Zany's that weekend. What? Try and pop over. I'll please do. it. Wait, wait, wait, you're there the. same damn it.

Go see Matt, everyone. >> No, I'm at Zany's. Go see [laughter]. Shawn. Dude, please. Please, that'll be. awesome. >> Let's hang out. >> Yeah, I think McCann's going to be. around, too. What? I think McCann's. there the 15th or something. Dude, that'll be awesome. Yeah, that'd be. cool. >> Guys, Chicago. It's It's just There's a. comedy storm coming in in Chicago. It's. not just your babe. It's the best thing. from that city. It's also the people who. buy comedy tickets. >> That's true. That's right. There's a. funny front moving in, dude. >> [laughter]. >> Yeah, the wind stream broke. Nothing but. giggles all across the Midwest. I'll be. in Tulsa. Okay. What's. Let's get back to the show. Yeah. I was.

brainstorming a. show idea. I had a couple different. ones, but one of them was just an. absolute like a crowd work blue man. group where you just like five people. just take the stage and it's just you. just the whole time. It's just a. It's like you know like the crowd work. guys have like headsets, but there's. five people at once. >> Titus. Yeah, but it's five people at. once just going nuts. And then it. evolved into Doing crowd work all at. once and you can hear every one of them. speak? Yeah, simultaneously. But but. then it was like you know what? No, not. even that. What I want to do. is do a a live exercise class where it's.

comedians with headsets and you just. scream at people exercising like a drill. instructor. >> I did that yoga. >> [laughter]. >> I did I they brought me in one time in. Denver to do like uh a sip and yoga. thing and they brought me in as like the. fake yoga host. What? And I was like. that's a funny idea. And it pays $40, sure. Who cares? [laughter]. So, I did it, dude, but I didn't know. anything about yoga. So, people were. just getting mad. Like people like this. is their whole thing. It's like they. look forward to yoga all day at work and. then there's a fat guy out there wearing. short shorts and a headband being like.

Why doesn't everyone do upward dog? We're always doing downward dog and. people are like what are you doing? And. they didn't know it was a prank. >> [laughter]. >> It's like I thought I was a fat guy. ruining their one thing. That's a great. idea. Yeah, but I think if you told. people that it was an exercise class. hosted by comedians, that'd be good. >> I would I want to do a yoga class where. I slowly, you know, you start cuz like a. lot of the real kind of [snorts] like OG. yoga instructors will start like hitting. you with passages from like, you know, like ancient like the Bhagavad Gita or. whatever. That'd be nice to like start. that way then slowly slide into like.

like militant is like like like militant. Islam. Yeah, try and sneak it in. Yeah, just sneak it in slowly build so like at. the very end during like the shavasana. when they all lay there just be like and. Pakistan will rise again. Yeah, yeah. Death to the Yeah, be kind of sick. Indians are dogs. >> [laughter]. >> Yeah, that'd be good. Or or or you transition from that into. like just Pantera lyrics at the end. You. just like read stanzas from Pantera. Or it's like. I'd be nice to go into like heavy like. black magic Satanism. Oh, yeah. What's.

the very end? Lights go low and low. You're completely nude at the end. Yeah, and like and then. and anything no matter what you have to. crush your opponents. You know what I. mean? It's necessary. Their blood is. your reward. Blood for the [laughter]. blood god. You are the blood god. Get. the marrow from the bone. Yeah, that'd be great. That'd be nice. Uh-huh, I'd be I mean but I agree. I. think it'd be nice. I mean that's kind. of the. That was kind of one of the main things. where it's like yeah, you got to figure. out something to do where it's like. Well, you're basically you are a social. being, you know, more or more or less. and you have to figure out a way to like. survive. It's our evolution. Exactly.

So, but yeah, I think that would be nice. to do a nice little symposium. And like. it would probably be a nightmare and of. course as soon as I have to send two. emails to find the hotel conference. room, it'll be over for me. But. We need to find a woman to plan this. men's only retreat. >> [laughter]. >> I got one. Yeah, we have Taipei babes. We can just. stick the Taipei babes on it. Cuz my if. I tell my wife, she'll say oh yeah, we. should be helping white guys more. It's. like it's not just white guys. They're. the ones who need the help. >> Well, here's the thing. You can you can. title it symposium for white guys and. probably a lot of Mexican guys and.

Indian guys. And black guys are welcome. That'd be a pleasant surprise. >> a black guy. That'd be really cool. We're going to have a black speaker. asterisk. >> [laughter]. >> Gay guys? Butterleaf was like what about. gay guys? And I was like oh yeah, let's. get some gay guys in there. They got. their own problems. Yeah. Yeah, and it's. not like I don't know, dude. I just feel. like. when you can't figure out your own. it's a lot easier to like either go. inward or you can like help other. people. So like I feel like when you're. at this depressive this like just like. ruined state that a lot of people are. in, exhausted, no dignity, everyone's.

mad at them. It's like teach them how to help other. people. Mhm. And I think we can just. like plant these little seeds that like. go back to like Bristol, Tennessee and you know, next thing you. know, there's four nice dudes in. Bristol, Tennessee. It's not like we're. going to fix everything, dude, but like. if people actually want to do the work, I think we could bring them together. I. think so. I think people Yeah, I think. that'd be actually. it'd be a nice thing. It'd be either way. it'd be a very fun event if you got to. go to a sort of symposium and it was. just a bunch of people, a bunch of. comedians and stuff and whoever. And. it's not like scholars. It's not people. who are going to bore you or like.

impress you with their bona fides. It's. just like me up there being like hey. guys, I'm not that great, but like I've. done some stuff and here's how I've. achieved it and it's just like picture. of my mom in her casket, you know. So I remember this and [laughter]. then I put my phone away and I work on. my book. Cuz I'll be in there. And I'll be in there so soon and you'll. all be in there so soon. We don't even exist if you look at time. We're an anomaly. True. We were never. here. Dude, that's a. That'd be cool. I think that'd be a lot. of fun, dude. Getting to do like a.

45-minute PowerPoint on just like I'm. going to try to boil down anything that. I think is like. use that's been useful to me and putting. it That'd be so fun. And it'd have to be. headset I my only condition is headset. mics. Unbuttoned all the way. I'm right. here, bro. I'm up there like this. [laughter]. Naked. Nude. We all have to be nude at. this thing. Radical honesty means being nude. It's. [snorts] like Scientology you know, was. was in this vein. >> That was my I was trying to figure out. how you take the AA NA model instead of.

like you don't need to be like smoking. crystal meth. It's just for everybody. Mhm. Cuz it apparently works for a lot. of people. I think I think it works. maybe if you can apply that kind of. to people who don't have substance. issues, like. I think it might help even more. I think. that was I was I was always trying to do. that, but it is difficult. It's like. kind of hard to wrangle everybody. Symposium could be the move though. >> Also it is gay. Like that's the issue. It's like trying to help people and say. like hey, I want to be like the sin. eater for the world is like ultimately a. very embarrassing cringe thing, but like. we need to return to sincerity. We need.

to embrace earnestness. We've made a. living with irony and like you know, not. taking anything seriously and now I just. think that I really want to like tap. into some. I don't know. Searching truth, that kind. of thing. It's so bizarre cuz that's all. we have is beauty. That's the whole. That's the whole point of that book I'm. reading. It's literally it's more or. less that's like one of the major points. is you know, it's a weird you know, one. of those things that just kind of syncs. up, but it's crazy. You're very smart. and admirable and I would love to have. you involved in this project. I would. love that'd be awesome. Sick. I'm pretty. dumb though.

You're not allowed. You're the enemy of. progress. >> [laughter]. >> You'd be in there wasted. That's what. I've been thinking about this whole time. is that I have I don't think I have. anything to offer these people. >> be like a youth pastor. Yeah. Yeah. You. can just take like 16-year-olds and I. don't know, guys. Talk about cigarettes. You should probably learn like editing. software. That could be useful for. >> [laughter]. >> It'd be really funny to like build up. for like 3 days of like progress like. men crying, breakthroughs and then have. Sean be like the keynote speaker on the. last day [laughter]. and just ruin everything.

That that is that that's the thing. That's the. That is the. how do I It's like the tough thing cuz. the it's such a nice thing and it like I. I if you're being genuine, you're like. yeah, that is like that's good and then. you just see someone film it and put it. out and you're like that sucks. >> I do I think it's like no cameras, no. booze. I don't think you can have booze at this. thing. I think we'll have shuttles. that'll drive you to whatever airport. hotel bars nearby. Like we'll make it. easy for you to have a fun time with. your new friends. Yeah. >> But like we can't be there. addled on our phones. Obviously people.

will be stoned. Yeah. Me included. We're going to hang out with you and. Butterleaf for three Yeah, yeah. Actually I did want to ask you. So you. have your. last Whenever I talked to you, you have. the weed really dialed in. >> I'm trying, bro. Yeah. How So what what. what like progress have you made with. that in terms of finding like specific. types of weed that agree with you and. all that stuff? So I thought live rosin. was like the key, but it's actually the. terp profile. You know about terps? Like. all the that makes it smell that. way. So like you have all these. different terps and based on the weeds. that I like and the weeds that I don't. like, like I can't smoke headband and.

you know, or I can't smoke lemon haze. and then you find out like limonene is. an active terpene there. And then the. stuff I do like has like myrcene and. linalool. So now I'm like looking back. through like all these strains and like. following the genetics all the way back. to find out like what the mother plants. are and it turns out they're like. cookies, runtz, like all these sweet. things work for me, but like mangoes. don't work because they have too much. lysine or whatever it is. So it's just. kind of being aware of what strains work. for you and then like trying to like. actually get to like the terp profiles. of that. >> And that's to avoid like a bug out.

basically. >> Total bug out, yeah. Like I can't have. like Durban Poison. Yeah. But I love. Durban Poison. But every third time I. smoke Durban Poison, I'm like under the. couch like a dog in a thunderstorm. Yeah, like freaking out, calling my wife. at work like I'm having a heart attack. She's like did you hit the puffco? I'm. like that has nothing to do with this. >> [laughter]. >> It's 1:00 in the afternoon. Who would be. high on live rosin right now? I woke up. an hour ago. There's no way I'm high. That's blueberry blueberry anything is. like good for me. If I have blueberry, I'm good. If I have there's certain ones. I have where I'm like I'm schizophrenic. now for like 30 minutes. Cuz like I'm.

like you where it's like I understand it. like weed is a drug, but like I still. want it to be a part of my life cuz I'm. not on like SSRIs or anything. Cuz there's all these people who are. like you need to be high. It's like no, but like I'm taking a thing that like. makes me able to engage with reality a. little bit easier. Yeah, well I just I. like I'll I'll like take weed out of the. the mix cuz you know, I'll like bug out. or I'll be like I don't even need it and. then I put it back in and I'm like yeah, I kind of need this in my system a. little bit all the time. And that could. be like 2.5 milligrams of an edible, bro. Like there like I'm like like I.

don't know. I thought you had to smoke. the whole eighth in 24 hours for most of. my life. Or it's like if you get a 1,000 mg bar, it's like well, I'll eat this and just. deal with it. Yeah, I'll just be on drugs cuz I think. it's weed. I I've run the experiment and. it's like if I if I like go off of weed. entirely, like I can do it. It's it's. really not hard. It's just like I get. like very I feel like serious. It's weird. It's like a weird feeling. I. get like very just kind of like I'm a. man. I don't know what it is. >> Yeah, I know I get it too, bro. Like.

hard-edged, you know, and like not as. not as eager to be like giddy. Yeah. I don't know. Like all the like the bad. stuff about weed like I get it, but. I think I just like need to be able to. have it in my life or else life isn't as. much. I don't know. No, I need to. I need to have a little weed cuz I I. don't know. Otherwise I just get like. I just get very serious and I I have. like a. I think genetically I have like salesman. brain. So if I don't if I don't smoke. weed, salesman brain takes over and I. just I just become like a I don't know,

something in my head where I'm just like. I should do this. This is actually a. really good idea. And I genetically have. hobo brain. So when I'm not smoking. weed, I just get like. lost in these flights of fancy where I'm. like why don't we move to Peru? >> [laughter]. >> Like why are we we're all scared of like. happening here? We go to Peru, our. money will go longer. And then my wife. is like are you stoned? And I'm like. actually no. This is me thinking. clear-headed. And I think the move is. relocating you, your sister, your mom, your grandmas, our niece to Peru. >> [laughter]. >> I think that'd be best for us.

>> The Andes mountains. Dude, it'd be so. great to like be able to live lives in. so many different places. Yeah, you're a big traveler. Well, it's. just like. I know how limited the time here is. It's like I want to sample the. delicacies of this thing called life, bro, and it's like. And that's the issue of like being me is. like I every every most of my thoughts. are very gay. >> [laughter]. >> All the stuff that I love. Like I'm. stoked to go home and like plant my. flowers and like get my daylilies going, you know. >> get me started on gardening. That's my. That's my big one right now. I love. gardening. >> Yeah. It is.

>> you post your your stuff's great, bro. Thank you, man. I got to get started. again. Mhm. Get some peppers going. Cuz. I think this is the last year we can. grow stuff. Why that? Because like the. anomalies happening in weather, it's. like they're like the the jet stream is. breaking. So now weather's just going to. like break out of whatever tube it's. kept in and like, you know, make it like. 30° in July or whatever. You think. that's going to happen soon? I don't. know, dude. That's what the science, you. know. I'll be so pissed if my. froze right now in the summer. That's. that's cuz like they used to say, you.

know, you could plant like April 1st or. whatever. Now they're like wait till. Mother's Day and now they're kind of. like, well, if you can get it going. whenever, like you might have to beat a. late frost, but so it's just yeah. That's where my garden what's your. garden set up right now? Uh nothing. right now cuz I haven't put it in yet, but like. Uh I planted a bunch of trees last year, first year. So we got the trees and then. this year it's like raised beds and I. want to have a cutting garden and then. some like food and herbs, but mostly I. want to just grow beautiful flowers and. like sit back there in my very expensive. chairs I bought from France. >> [laughter]. >> I get it, dude.

I mean, I would this body was wasted on. me. I should not have been born like a. huge straight guy. I should be like a very gay like Haitian. dude. Just like wearing like, you know, like a head wrap. Remember like the. vampire like the gay vampire from that. was it Anna Paquin's vampire show on HBO. back in the day? True Blood? Remember. the gay guy? That should have been me. Who was the gay guy? like the bartender. He was like, okay, yeah, yeah. Black guy. like very like Caribbean. wow. Yeah, that was like the gayest guy. For sure. That should have been me. Yeah. That guy. was Do you know who I'm talking about?

No, I don't know. Gay black guy. He. almost he would borderline cross dress. almost. Oh, it was like he was a he was. like if your dad like did an impression. of a gay guy in blackface. Like that's. [laughter]. that's who this guy was. He had. beautiful eyes. Oh, he was great. Yeah, he had he had beautiful eyes. Yeah, yeah. He had beautiful very effeminate. eyes. And like that's another thing. It's like androgyny is attractive. Like. all this stuff that I have. >> [laughter]. >> is like I cannot wait to go to the. botanical gardens in Atlanta on. Wednesday. I would dude, I will say there's. something really nice about growing. flowers. I've been growing like rose. bushes. And it's driving you nuts? Oh my.

god, it's the best. I love it. When they. know when they when they blossom I like. I really I come down I I come down every. morning I I check out my garden. Any new. shoot or bud I see it and I go, dude, this is awesome. Anytime I. see a new little thing I'm like, yeah, I did that. Yeah. Me and nature. Yeah. Collab. Yeah, man. My On this. single cherry blossom bud. Especially. when you get into like. creating like a real soil ecosystem. where you like I'm trying to really do. like I don't know if it's Korean. farming, but it's just like using like,

you know, mulch, fertilizer. Like it. takes like years to get it established. and I see little bugs in my soil. I'm. like, I did it. Dude, ladybugs. Ladybugs. We had pollinators last year. cuz of the wildflowers. My wife was. like, we have bees. This is terrible. And I was like, we have bees. This is this is what we. need. If we want the rest of this, we. need these guys. She's like, chill. >> [laughter]. >> My wife's always coming home like. exhausted from being a doctor and I'm. like, hey, check this out. I like take. her out back to show her a new bud on. the like pawpaw tree and she's like, can. I change out of my scrubs? >> [laughter].

>> And I'm like, no, quick. All aboard. She. comes home to a little boy who then. wants to try to have sex with her later. [laughter]. Every day. I've been I've been. I've been game planning this idea for. like, you know, cuz if you have like a. small backyard and you're limited, but. you want to try to live off your land, I. want to try to. push the idea of people having. uh I guess like single house, but also. like very efficient factory farming to. where like you could have like a like a. cow in like a lightless box in your. backyard. So you could genetically like.

a clear you could like see its internal. organs. It's like a box of headless. chickens. I want to take I'm going. to take factory farming and democratize. it to where like we could all have just. a bunch of like weird like KFC. Like the Island of Dr. Moreau. >> [laughter]. >> I just that was making me laugh at. pitching that to people. Just having. like a lightless box where you have like. a starved veal calf they're like. fattening with like. grease. Yeah. Just like fryer grease. >> [laughter]. >> Into the tube into its mouth. Instead of. like a big factory with a thousand of. like eyeless chickens, you could have.

like five in your backyard. Right, yeah. Just cloning them back there. You can. charge people to come look at them. Grind them into a pulp and eat them for. your family. Oh, dude, the SWAT team. would come to your house. There's like. there's a man creating abominations next. door. >> [laughter]. >> I wouldn't be able to raise like. McDonald's chicken nugget chickens. Like. you know, I would like cut their vocal. cords they can't even make any Oh. [laughter]. Dude. And their eggs are as big as your fist. Yeah. And they're just back there like. saying like, kill me and chicken. And. you're like, look how happy they are. That one's dancing. She's covered in. mites. She's covered in grease. Dude, I.

would love to have some kind of like. freaky animal menagerie in the backyard. >> [laughter]. >> to you occasionally eat. It's all science. It's all science. Right, yeah, yeah. You're you're on the. cutting edge. For sure. Everyone will be. doing this in 10 years. >> [laughter]. >> Saying that all the time, bro. grown meat. Yeah, yeah. That's all I'm. talking about. I think that's not crazy. I would love to have eggs. Eggs would be. nice. Eggs would be tight, dude. Duck. eggs. Everyone's thinking like how can I. go full natural? It's like, well, imagine if you can just go like full. synthetic. Awesome with hormones. Just. like all the I put all the hormones in. the cows. Or just like have an.

impossible meat machine, you [laughter]. know? You're like throwing coal in. and like nitrates. I would just have a. cow just like suspend I'd have like an. oxygen tank just suspended in water and. I would just fatten it up slowly. Just. let it get bigger and bigger. I know. what you're talking about. >> [laughter]. >> I'm right there. Yeah. You want like a big like like. gelatinous cube. >> [laughter]. >> There's a bunch of tubes going into a. cow and it's just like floating in. there. Like the Wolverine tank. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, it's Professor [laughter]. X. You're Weapon X with cows. Yeah. Yeah, we'd slay it once a year and.

have its clone take its place. Oh, for. sure. And you could do that. Like not. you, for sure. But like someone could do. that and implement that in the backyard. >> [laughter]. >> We're growing cows from seed. It would. be so fun to go to like an organic. farming symposium and just present that. idea. Yeah, the burger machine. >> [laughter]. >> Half of them would just walk out in. disgust. You just So you plant these and. it grows hot dogs. >> [laughter]. >> I'll let you do it. You can do this at. the symposium we're throwing. That would. be nice. Or you could have like a. machine with like you could like. selectively breed Siamese twin like pigs.

and like you just keep kind of like. somehow figuring out a clone a like a. twin to grow out of another one. You. kill [laughter] the other one. You have. two younger and you just continue. Like. a hydra, but with pork. But the problem would be getting it new. Muslims hate this one trick. >> [laughter]. >> That would be the problem. You'd have to. figure out how can you like have a new. kind of embryo grow out of the Siamese. twins and you can keep you keep it. going. that I can see. Yeah, everything. else is pretty hard science. >> [laughter].

>> Just come out you're like, look, it's. growing another eyeball out of its side. You're like, oh, nice, it's working. Your daughter's just sitting there. horrified. >> [laughter]. >> As you're just slowly going crazy and. saving your urine and toenails. You feed them to the pig. Helps. [laughter] it grow. It would be a lot better than having. like real pigs in your backyard. Yeah. Pigs are always biting you. You got to. whip them with sticks. Dude, I want a. pig so bad, dude. I would keep your. daughter's fingers away from that pig's. mouth. They'll bite. We had a pig in our. backyard that was like super horny and. it would hump It had like a Swedish. exercise ball and it would it would hump.

it and jizz on the ball. Like he's. expounding on that story he told. >> [laughter]. >> But yeah, no, I I uh recently read. Lonesome Dove and I'm Oh my god. Dude, I'm so sold on having like a nice shoat. They call pigs shoats. I'm like, I want. one so bad. Sit on my porch and just sit. there and look at my shoats eating like. snakes and Dude. Lonesome Dove. You can you can do a. thing where I I I don't know if this is. like actually a viable idea, but you can. rent goats to go clear land for people. I would love to have just like five.

goats that I could just rent out to. people. Let them just munch all the. poison ivy and on their land. Eat. the kudzu. Yeah, they'll eat everything. You would like to be a shepherd. I think. I dude, I've said it before. I would. love to be a shepherd. That's honestly. my ideal job. I honestly think that like. maybe genetically, like you're talking. about like how you're a salesman brain, like I think that there's something in. me that needs to be just like don't have. an address. I was telling you on the way over it's. like you were saying in Australia you. like had a weird time. I'm like, yeah, if I'm home for 7 days I kind of wig. out. So it's like I can't like be still. and I think there's some kind of like.

nomadic like. just calling in my blood, bro. And it's. not good for my mental health. Shepherding would be nice. Shepherd's. great, dude. You just like dress like an. Iman. You have a big crook. >> [laughter]. >> You're eating weird pies [clears throat]. a woman hands you every now and then. You have to not say a word for days. You. have to fight a wolf off. The wolf, yeah. Or you have a cool dog. True. You. have a good dog. What I've heard that I. I was I was at a kids birthday party. recently and they had like petting like. the ponies and horses you can ride. stand up? No, no. >> [laughter]. >> I was attending I was having fun just.

attending and the guy and I again, I. just read Lonesome Dove so I'm like just. so horny for like cowboy knowledge of. like what animals You're calling stuff. caliche. >> [laughter]. >> This guy. he's sitting there and we're you know, I'm I'm starting I'm talking mules with. this guy who's like from the horse farm. and I'm just like just really happy to. be there as like a native Texan and he. was like, well, you know how you get rid. of wolves, right? And I was like, no, how? Just like please. I would have. sucked this guy's dick to have him tell. >> [laughter]. >> And he was like, you get a couple good. donkeys, they'll trample that you wolf. underneath the donkeys hooves and I had.

to just be like, what do they do, dude? He's like, they'll trample a. wolf right to death and I was. so [laughter] happy I knew that. Yeah, dude. But he was just like, yeah, you get a donkey, man. Could you think you would stand. a donkey stomping on you? I was like, dude, absolutely not. no, sir. No, sir, I wouldn't. No, sir, I wouldn't. I. would die immediately. Yeah, I just like. knowing that I'm like, that's so cool. you know that donkeys will stomp on a. wolf and you could just like rest. assured be like, well, I got my donkeys. so I'm just going to trample the wolf. yeah. So I didn't I want to fact check. that, but it's also I almost don't want. to. Yeah, you're going to see a lot of.

sending videos on either side. Yeah, true. >> [laughter]. >> Either a donkey getting munched or a. wolf getting pummeled. He's like, yeah, you get two good. donkeys, man. You don't have to deal. with wolves. And I was like, that's so sick you know that. Yeah. Well, mules are I think mules. are also like. capable. I think donkeys and mules were. like sacrificial and like you kept the. oxen safe probably. What do you mean? Well, it's like if. you're like thinking about like the the. farm animals or like the agricultural. like pack animals. Dispensable. Yeah, I. think and I think mules most dispensable. and then donkey and then like horse and.

then like ox maybe. Yeah. I don't know. Now is a a mule is a cross between a. horse and a donkey, right? >> it can't breed. >> Can't breed, yeah. My my grandma's. people raised mules in New Mexico and. like. they all had like mule skin shoes and. and like ate mule stew. >> Yeah. >> [laughter]. >> Yeah, I know. That's awesome. I try to. talk about it on stage. People think I'm. lying. >> [laughter]. >> So my grandma's from a place called. Wagon Mound and I say those are my. people. Mule ghouls from Mound Town and. people were like you just wanted to say. that. So it was all lies so you could say that. dumb phrase. >> you're stealing mule trader valor? 100%.

yeah. >> That's I know. That. would piss me off. Hey man. It's just. another day in the life of Latino. True. >> [laughter]. >> I come from cow folk. Yeah. Do [snorts]. you really? Yeah, my grandma and my. grandpa met at a rodeo. They used to. ride horses in the show. My grandpa was. a cowboy. You remember my grandma who. worked at the ranch? Bobby. [clears throat] and Roberta? Bobby and. Bobby Jean. Wow. >> God damn it. I have no I have no cowboy. >> in my blood. Oh, it sucks. Yeah, but you. guys have probably some like maritime. knowledge. Like you guys are probably at. sea. My dad is nasty with boat knots.

>> Yeah. I have none of that. >> nasty with them actually. I'd meet your. dad much like you met that like donkey. stomping wolf guy and I'd be like. tell me more, sir. I'd be getting. dipping myself. >> He he would talk you could talk boat. knots for hours. >> Yeah. But it's actually I'm pretty. jealous of his knot abilities. >> Uh-huh. When a man knows the exact knot. Yeah. I didn't learn anything my. entire life. Dude, he's nice with that. and also like trees is like tree. identification like that's silver birch. That's the it's like dude, how do you. know all this I said. recently to my wife, I want to see a. tree and be able to tell you what kind.

it is. >> Yeah. And she was like please go to bed. >> [laughter]. >> He was hitting her with this gay barrage. constantly. Meanwhile, she's like a dude. effectively, you know? >> [laughter]. >> I've been doing that with uh with like. ducks cuz we have a pond near my house. >> Yeah. It's like in like the neighborhood. they have they call it a lake. It's just. a giant pond, but they have all these. different ducks and I. I've like taken pictures of all of them. to like you so I I use my phone to. identify them and just like memorize it. as hard as I can. So like and I'm just. always waiting to like flex duck. knowledge.

>> Yeah. The other day we were up there we. were up there and one of my wife's. friends were like yo, those one ducks. are crazy. I'm like that's a Muscovy. Praying an Egyptian goose would walk. into the scene so I just like. >> me now, Matthew. >> [laughter]. >> I was flexing on Sean. We were at the. Japanese garden in Houston. >> Yeah. Oh, yeah. I was like that's a he's. like those ducks were crazy. I was like. Egyptian goose. Those things are my. favorite honestly. >> They are really pretty. >> How was that garden? It's awesome. >> It's so sick actually. >> didn't go yesterday, yeah. It's next. time I we walked around It's very really. cool. Yeah. Just getting all these it's. just like they have huge like chunks of.

natural granite just like big boulders. everywhere and the water running down. them. Koi ponds. I'm like That. park was awesome. >> busted those ducks like doing it? You. ever seen ducks mate? No. They have that. classic corkscrew penis. Really? I. always heard that was pigs with the old. Pigs have a weird one too, bro. That's the tail, but pigs have a curly. cue the curly tail. Tryna be funny. >> [laughter]. >> A chow chow? Those things are what? What. what's the pig dick look like? Uh I. thought it was corkscrew. It's like it's. like I don't think it's completely. corkscrew, but I think it does like. [laughter]. it has a hook. Can we can we get that up. on the screen?

Yes. Yeah, I'm going to see you a pig dick. and then a duck dick if you don't mind. >> And I think duck vaginas evolved to be. corkscrews cuz ducks rape female ducks. all the time. Oh. Right? That's not. right. This is like rape knowledge. You. know about this. Yeah, that's. >> [laughter]. >> Party safe, right? That's the pig dick. Oh, so it's got a yeah, it's got a hook. on it. Yeah, check that out. That's okay. All right, here we go. So that's a. >> is this on screen? You can see you can show pig pig dicks. on screen, can you? You kidding me?

Yeah, you can totally do that. Sean's. like it's like looking in a mirror, isn't it, buddy? Is that Oh, that's I. think that's. that's a pig's butt hole for no reason. >> All right, I'm back. You see that? He's. lifting the pig's tail. That's a pig. butt hole right there. This looks like. my ass. >> [laughter]. >> Let's see a duck dick. So yeah, the pig. has just a little whoa. Yeah, get over. there. That's a duck's dick. Yeah, cuz I think it was like I think it. was reciprocal evolution because the. female ducks. constantly getting raped. Oh, yeah,

sorry. Damn, the duck's dick is like. it's like a sine wave. It's kind of. tight. Yeah, dude. [snorts] Okay, so the. It's like Dig Dug when you have to shoot. your. >> [laughter]. >> things. Like the Asics logo. Dang. And so that the duck pussy's like. rifle. Yes. >> Rifle action. Yeah, because they wanted. to prevent being, you know, forcibly. impregnated. That's interesting. Their. dick Is this is this your understanding? Yeah. Right? Yeah. So they they have to. like relax. to allow It's like anal.

Yeah. >> [laughter]. >> I hated it. Okay, so. In in nature though, so I you're saying. ducks don't have a big courtship element. cuz like some like, you know, lizards So. it's just like. >> There's no mating dance. No one's. showing off the plumage. Dang, that's. that's a shame. >> It's just like hey, you come here often? Yeah. Yeah. It's pretty much how dudes had sex. until like 1975 or whatever. >> [laughter]. >> Hey, you want to be safe? Carry my baby. True. Uh-huh. Dang. Well, I didn't know.

that. And see that you need to have you. could in your weird menagerie you're. building you could just have like the. penises growing. That would be nice. >> Just like in jars. You be like have the. neighborhood kids go, you know? Duck. penis? Duck penis. >> Every now and again I show them mine. You have a necklace? >> [laughter]. >> We're not so different, you and I. Now compare. Yeah. [laughter]. Yours starts corking. There's a penis documentary. [clears throat] coming out about Sean, you didn't tell me about your new. project. [laughter].

A guy is collecting the all every. species of penis. Wow. What a He's a. Or like the human penis is there's two. guys competing to donate their penis. Wow. What once they die? Yeah. What are. they like? There's the biggest and the. smallest? Some people are doing it yeah before. they die. All right. German guy for. sure. Yeah, for sure. Sure, German guy. Whoa, so some guys are just take it now? Yeah. He's like take it now and eat the. tip. What does he win? That his penis in.

the museum forever. Damn. Until there's a flash flood. >> [laughter]. >> Yeah. His dick's washed away. >> God, that's so funny. The curators in. there every night take him out of the. jar and just sucking different animal. dicks. >> [laughter]. >> Brushing his teeth with one. There's two guys competing for the job. Yeah. Dude. Hey, guess what? I'm going. to pull my name out of the hat. All. right, I'm I don't need to be in the. race for That's crazy though to be the. curator and be like I've I've personally. sucked every single one of those. >> [laughter]. >> Pig penis is exquisite. Yeah, you have. to try the duck. >> Dude, a bug Imagine just sucking like a.

fly's penis. >> [laughter]. >> That'd be a bummer. Like a praying. mantis penis. Yeah. >> [laughter]. >> Oh, I'm I'm intrigued to know all the. different. >> That would be kind of cool. It would be. it's so funny. He probably approaches it. too like a you know, has like a cloth. over his arm walks to the jar. Smelling it. Like he's offering you to. smell the cork. [laughter]. Damn, there's two That's if there's it. never it like it always amazes me that. there are two guys who are like no, I. want my penis in that jar. Yeah. Wouldn't occur to me. I'd be like nah, I'm going to I'd bury me with mine. I.

don't want it in a jar. I don't need. anyone to know. People walk into the. penis museum be like Yeah. People posing. with it. >> [laughter]. >> The water must be cold. Yeah. The. water's cold. The pickling solution's chilly. >> [laughter]. >> You have to brine the penises once a. quarter? I don't know. I don't want to be nasty, but you figure. like You should give them your penis. Yeah. They'd be lucky to have it. Cut it off. For Yeah. bowling. >> [laughter]. >> freaking uh You figure they'd be extra. penises laying around with gender.

reassignment surgeries and things like. that, you know? True. Like you figure it wouldn't be too hard. to find one. Yeah. That is kind of a shame. We're. just yeah, we're going to cut a guy's. off. Although Don't they turn it inside. out? I feel like they keep most of the. penis to create like a clitoral. situation. Oh my. >> Don't pull that up, please. >> [laughter]. >> I I quit typing. I think you're right. I. don't think they Oh, maybe do they hack. the whole thing off? >> I know Nate Nate cuz Nate talks about it. on stage, but That was the balls. They.

keep the testes. Yeah, you can keep your. testes like they're tonsils or whatever. >> I've said it before. Castrating the. penis but keeping your balls would be. the most powerful. That's definitely. test maxing for sure. >> Oh, he just come to the table. Yeah, you. Plop them. Just you're just balls. You. have no release, but you're still. producing all like the hormones and. you need. That would be pretty powerful. >> a samurai situation. It really would. In. complete control. You wouldn't be. Huh. You'd have no outlet. You'd just. have to. Or you do. Yeah. And it's just like a. hole that weeps every now and then.

>> [laughter]. >> Drooling hole. Yeah. Hey baby, you want. to see my drooling hole? Yeah, cuz your. body will constantly. be like. >> Honey, give me a diaper. I'm feeling. you. [laughter]. Yuck. Oh boy, drooling hole. But hey, enough. about my wound. No. >> [laughter]. >> I love her. Your oozing hole. Yeah. Freaking uh I'm. going to call her. I'm going to like hey. baby, can I get a taste of that oozing. hole? >> [laughter]. >> You just rely on wet dreams. You'd have. wet dreams like once a quarter.

>> Rely on wet dreams. What a hell. That's. your only release. Yeah. I don't think I've ever had a full. wet dream. >> Brother, I have. I've I've had a wet Let. me tell you. I wish, man. I've had maybe. one, but I it's I wasn't like soiled. undies I I had one on the top bunk one. time. What? >> Yeah. My cousin was down. It's raining. >> [laughter]. >> It's like hey, your hole's weeping. Someone's balls are full. Yeah. Wet. dreams are gross. I yeah. You know what.

I I yeah. Cuz you don't like. I feel like in a wet dream I I don't. think you like fully bust in a wet. dream. >> I've never had the situation where I'm. like enjoying having sex and then I. climax. It's always like I'm about to. have sex with someone and then I like. nut. And then there's like a shame in. the dream and then you wake up and the. shame is real. >> [laughter]. >> It's like when you get cut in a dream. and your arms bleeding, you're like, "Whoa, what the Ow, yeah.". But instead of like, you know, seeing. the bleeding arm, pulling out the sword. you're carrying, and like cutting off. the pirate's head, you just wake up and.

you're like, "Oh god." It's already. cold. I have to call sheet again. >> [laughter]. >> I sleep nude, too, so like I had to stop. when I had kids. Yeah, now I can't I. can't sleep nude because I have kids. I. think about crawling into bed. Yeah, [laughter] that's awesome. It's a good. hour, bro. Thanks, bro. I appreciate it. I was I was downcast. I wasn't too. downcast, but I was. Sunday night scary, you're done. You're over. I was yeah, I. was done and I was just like, "Fuck." Easter Sunday, too. Yeah, long. day. Yeah. Easter weekend. Easter's feeling less. and less like a real holiday. Yeah, it's.

sort of a bummer. The bowling alley was. crowded and I was like, "Shouldn't we. all Is it like a Jewish thing? They didn't look Jewish. >> Like Chinese food on Christmas. They all. go bowling. What were the Jews up to? There was only. one Jew at the show last night. >> Well, it's cuz it's a real hard loss for. them. True. They need to they need to. think it over. I was killing. Yeah, that's I mean, they just sit this one. out, Jews. Thought you had [laughter] it. You know you know I I thought it was. going to be just nothing but. Yeah, just. a victory lap. Yeah.

>> [laughter]. >> Well, god damn, dude. I think we did it, man. What a joy. Thanks for having me, guys. I didn't give you the god damn. proper introduction with your name and. all that. >> You're the man. You are the absolute. man. I was It was a joy. I was I was. telling my wife I was like, I was. watching you. Actually was up there on. the balcony and I was I was so I was got. like stuck watching you. Then I was. like, "Fuck, who's coming up next? What. time is it?" Thank god I didn't just. like miss it. Yeah, cuz then I would. have been like up there. I would have. run all the way down. We're lucky that. like the guys we get to hang out with. are like good at the thing, you know? It's like really hard to like be friends.

with comics getting older if they're. like not good. Yeah. You know? So, it's. like it was fun to watch you up there. with Butterly and Mary Jane and be like, "This guy's really good and like I have. his phone number.". Like that's cool. He's like one of the. best guys. I was I was going, "This is. sensei." I was watching you. I was. going, "Dude, that's a truly liberating. >> I don't know 15 minutes cuz like I don't. do showcases. That's why I fell back cuz. I was like that's why I was like ah cuz. it's weird doing a short time when. you're used to headlining. Well, it's. okay though. Like I got to skill I have. to learn, you know? It's not a big deal. But I am up there like trying like I'm. bailing on bits cuz like I'm like, "Okay, this I have to just get to the.

next thing, you know?" Yeah. Yeah. It. was fun, man. Well, you crushed it. >> Well, thank you for having me. Thanks. for having me on the pod. Dude, of. course. Thanks for coming. Of course, man. Bye. Goodbye. Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's. Secret Podcast on Spotify. Do it.