Ep 600 - Hedonic Treadmill (feat. Joe List & Steve Rannazzisi)

Wow. Wow. Wow. Wes. >> Now, with the Spurs, Austin's team, I. saw a billboard. Oh, sorry. I didn't. mean to start. I thought we were. >> No, that's fine. >> To uh their last two games were. >> Austin's I think trying to take the. Spurs from San Antonio, which is that'd. be pretty sad. >> What is it lease up on a stadium or. something or is. >> No, I think it's just uh I don't know. I. think they're I think they're going to. try to merge Austin and San Antonio like. Dallas, Fort Worth. >> How far away? I'm not too familiar. >> I mean, they didn't Yeah. Anaheim and LA.

have split. >> Yeah. >> They're not They're different. It's got. to. >> Yeah. Same with Seattle and Tacoma. >> Yeah. >> So maybe San Antonio they cities we can. name. >> We were just ripping before this. >> Minneapolis, St. Paul. >> He gives the thumbs up and we're like, "Yeah, there's a lot of cities.". >> Oh, now we're recording for real. >> I do not know. We were cut start again. >> Even Baltimore and DC are pretty close. >> Minneapolis, St. Paul. >> Baltimore Timonia. >> Yeah. >> Baltimore Timonia. No, before we. started, you mentioned the guy with. Tourette's at the BAFTA. Why would you.

go to the BAFTAs with Tourette's? >> He was nominated. >> He was nominated. >> I think he was uh a nominee or a former. nominee or something like that. >> It wasn't the guy presenting. It was a. guy in the crowd. >> In the crowd just yell. >> No, if the guy Yes. The two people. presenting were. >> I mean, I would if I had Tourette's, I. would double up on my meds at the. Baptist. >> You have to hit it hard. >> That's what they do. They They just spaz. and yell the worst thing. >> But is it always the nword with the. Tourette's? No, >> I feel like it's whatever you're hearing. or like whatever is commonly spoken.

around you. >> like a parrot. Yeah, cat. Exactly. >> The guy behind you like usually like uh. [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] and then like you. know. >> Yeah. Yeah. >> That was great, dude. That was great. >> I experienced it once at like a hotel. lobby breakfast or not lobby. I don't. know why I said lobby, but a hotel. breakfast there and there was a lady and. they warned us like oh she has and that. she was doing that but it wasn't the n. word. >> Yeah. No, I've never had anyone at a. show that has Tourette's. I don't think. that's ever yelled anything out or. nothing like that.

>> No. >> So, I don't Yeah, >> it's probably late stage Tourette's. It. probably start with like damn and then. it goes to like [ __ ]. >> and then all the way to. >> [ __ ] and then like stage when you're. like stage four. >> Yeah. >> When you're late on his way out. aggressive aggressive Tourette's. >> I do have that thing. I think this is. like an OCD thing. Like when I'm at a. funeral or something where you just want. to be like kiss on your face, you know, you want to be thinking different. Yeah. Yeah. >> But that's the barrier, dude. Imagine. >> or if I'm in a room full of black. people, which I try to keep to minimum,

but like it does come in your mind. What. if somehow I just yelled out the n word? Like it's in there. >> I've heard of people having that same. concern where it's like an like if you. stand too close to the edge of a cliff, you're like, I could just jump off right. now. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. I think that's OCD. You also I. also have it with people. I have like a. not a urge but the thought of like. blasting someone in the face as they're. walking by. >> Oh, really? Just physical violence. Strangers. >> Yeah. But it's a second there. It's a. second of thought. >> That could be living in New York too. long. I think that's just a byproduct of.

that. >> I do the same thing with my like I'm. driving the left lane driving families. in the back and I just some like do you. ever have a moment you're just like I. could just. >> rip it into the thing and flip everyone. and do the whole thing kill everybody. But how does it feel like an urge is a. question? One thing. >> not Yeah. You But you're like, >> "Yeah." Yeah, it is. >> Depending on how the vacation went or. whatever. True. >> You know, it's just like I'm done with this, dude. You don't press me. Do you understand? I. have everything right here. It's all. right. >> If you're fighting your wife or the kids.

in the car, just driving real fast and. be like, "Fuck it.". >> Yeah. Scare the drive. >> You can reach her seat belt. Just just. uncclick it and then just like jerk the. wheel. >> Dang. Well, dude, thank you guys for. coming, >> dude. Thanks for having me. This is the. no seat is this is I mean, this is. >> standing up is good. >> Starting to spread out. >> I'm telling you, it's just it's all in. your head. I think people think they're. getting spoofed, but it's just it's not. a spoof. It's just. >> It really. >> It's the future of podcasting. >> No, I clear what you're talking about. How are we not in the future right now?

>> It does look Tron-like. It looks like. we're doing Yeah. >> Yeah. We're going to take turns like. running as fast as we can around it. >> Did you guys uh Is Prince Andrew? He's. out of jail, right? He got out. Um, they. picked him up for like five hours, I. heard. >> Yeah, I was excited. >> Well, I think I don't even think they. picked him up for what they what. everyone thought they should pick him up. for. >> Yeah, >> they got it for like. >> political misogs or something like that. >> I thought he was going to jail. That. would have been crazy. >> Yeah. I mean, >> dude, he'd been the first he'd been the. first prince arrested in like 400 years.

>> And if he went to actual jail, that. means people would be able to. >> [ __ ] him. >> [ __ ] a prince. That's crazy, dude. Do. you think he would be in with Jen? Do. they have like Jen Pop over there? He. would be in normal. >> I think they would get into He'd. probably be in protective custody, but. they would get into him. >> Oh, well, yeah, they'd let them. probably. They It would be like a fun. day for them. >> That's a fairy tale. >> We're guys, if you guys are good, we're. going to let the prince around tomorrow, so you guys could [ __ ] him. >> The prince and the prisoner by Dude, >> I couldn't think of a name of a fake. author. >> That's perfect. >> Thank you. If I could have said FG Tenon.

Bomb, it would have been cool. >> I blew it. I just I feel like princes. should get like their hands chopped off. instead of going to jail. It's something. unfitting about a prince in like common. jail. >> Yeah. >> Cut their dicks off. >> Dicks would be nice. Cut. >> dicks off. Unic make him a unic. >> I didn't follow too close. He [ __ ]. kids, right? >> He's like one of the. >> top suspect. I think he's like top. suspect. >> He's he There's pictures email. There's. like not a thing that they found that. didn't have his fingerprints all over.

it. The royal family stripped him of his. titles, which leads me to believe that. they can probably see the unredacted. stuff. >> Wow. >> So, yeah, they did it before that. They. stripped him of all of his like princely. duke status or whatever. Speak. >> Is there still a way he could become. king? >> Like lineage wise, like you know what. I'm saying? Like if his brother dies. like. >> Yeah, he definitely. >> then is he the king or the or the is the. younger is the oldest son the king? >> I don't know. How does that work? Great. question. >> because like now you got to start. looking for he's going to kill his. brother. He's like I'm going to go to.

jail for pedophilia or I kill my brother. and I'm the king and this whole [ __ ]. thing goes away. >> That's not a bad idea. Actually, that's. his only play right now. >> That's his movie. >> That's. >> That's a movie for. >> That's his move though. He has to kill. his brother. >> unless he knows it goes. Otherwise, he's. got to kill his brother and then his his. nephew and then, you know, >> and then fire cannon at the citizens. That'd be the last thing when they storm. the castle. He'd have to fire upon them. to calm them down. >> Why not? and draw little dicks on a. >> Does he [ __ ] boys or girls? >> Girls, I think. >> Okay. I think. >> that's not so bad.

>> At least he's not [ __ ] queer. >> He's not a queer king. >> Jeez. >> I don't need no queer king. >> What's the big whoop? >> I guess. Yeah. >> I don't I think those guys too, like. when you're that wealthy, like. prostitutes are just porn for you, >> right? >> So, it's like you don't watch like. Pornhub probably. You probably just get. hookers and then you get sick of those. kind of hookers. They they do like porn. genres in real life, so they probably. get so decent. Only fans probably would. have been his favorite thing if he had. not because you can get very specific on. that. >> And so therefore, he'd be like, "All.

right, I can kind of scratch this itch. really well with what I'm finding here. Maybe I don't need to go out into the. real world and [ __ ] do horrible. things to, you know, real people.". >> But I think it's the hyonic treadmill, if I may. It's just. >> What's that? I don't even know what that. means, honestly. >> Enlighten us. >> The thing is, >> well, you know, you get used to stuff. So, like you buy a big house and you're. like, I finally got this big. You have a. huge house, a beautiful house. Probably. every once in a while you're like, but I. could use a [ __ ] screening.

>> I need Yeah, I need a golf simulator. >> You got to keep getting all the stuff. And so that's the same with sex. I think. >> you get a butler and you go, "This. butler's nice, but I wish I kind of. could have a whole staff forever.". >> Yeah. Wish I had a boy. >> Yeah. Yeah. I want a whole [ __ ]. >> Butler's nice, but what about a, you. know, a guy I could have? >> There's no satis. I mean, even in my. marriage, every time we have sex now, I'm like, >> pretend I'm my uncle Doug, you know? You. got to keep cranking it up a little bit. Yeah. Taking it up a little. >> It's probably due to like EEG. habituation. Actually, your brain waves. Well, >> I'm learning. So, dude, this is great.

for me. Like, learn about treadmills and. EEGs. >> Well, your brain waves just acc they get. used to like if you see like say the. first time you see a naked lady, you're. like like it's like that your brain. waves go crazy. Yeah. Over time, they. just kind of come down to like whatever. Yeah. >> So, you got to constantly be. >> I still see a naked lady. I'm like fired. up, dude. Right there. >> Oh, hey though. >> I look at that little tips. >> I love it. I love it, dude. True. But as. fired up as like a 14-year-old boy. >> No, I got two sons that are like if they.

saw a naked lady, it's like. >> it's over. >> I got to go to my room. I got to take a. shower. >> Well, it's crazy. When you're like 14, you can just get a heart on sitting. thinking. Yeah. >> You don't even look at anything. I could. just be like, >> but it's crazy to me this generation, my. my son's 17 and 13, they wear all they. never wear jeans anymore. They always. wear sweatpants. So, I mean, like boners. and sweatpants are the most embarrassing. things for me growing up. Like getting. you'd have to tuck it under the the. band. Like jeans, you had a little more.

thickness. You could hide it. But like. now it's like. >> No. Yeah. I went to Catholic school. We. had like one day out of the week we had. to wear our gym uniforms sweat. Me too. It was just you would get hard in class. and it was. >> Yeah. You're like, "Fuck, dude. Just. these sweatpants are not not doing it. >> Yeah. And I I would get hard like. clockwork before recess. Recess was like. 10:23. At like 10:18 I would get a rager. every time. >> Well, we started recording it right. around 10:23. I don't. I turned 40 so I like my boner I got to. like really budget my boners now.

>> Oh, really? >> Yeah. I can't be wasting them on like. jerking off anymore. I got to save them. up. >> I feel similarly similar. Yeah. I'm. still a little bit of an animal. I don't. know why, >> dude. It just came for me, man. I was I. was. >> Maybe it'll happen. >> So confident I could get bricked up no. problem now. Like I will get bricked up, but I can't be out here fapping, >> you know? I got to save it all up every. weekend. >> I save up to cuz my wife and I, we have. sex pretty frequently. So when I go on. the road now, I don't jerk off so I can. really. >> I I've done that a couple weekends, too. It feels good when you come home. >> You're like, "Wow, >> it feels amaz." And there's something.

about leaving a hotel room and not. having this like disgusting crystallized. towel for the staff to deal with. >> I know. When you leave a room clean, you're like, "Dude, I'm, you know, >> unfortunately, this is not one of those. weekends for me. This is uh you're. >> in a hotel. >> Yeah, I'm in a condo, dude. I'm in a. condo that someone Andrew Dice Clay is. going to stay in next weekend, you know, >> dude. Who knows? But yeah, I I I I try. You feel good when you come home and you. don't when you like you feel like. >> like a real like I provided. I I went. out. I made money. I kept clean.

>> I kept all everything inside of me. I'm. getting to give it all to you right. now." That's what it's all about. >> And supposedly beautiful for retention. is healthy. That's what I've heard. That's one of these all of. >> I see. Yeah. I always hear it is. >> But then you always hear you have to. come like 30 times a month for prostate. purposes. >> I know. That's the [ __ ] That's the. problem. >> Jesus. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. They say you got to do it like a. Say They say like if you don't do it. enough Well, if you don't if you don't. retain, they say you just like drain all. of your like, you know, minerals out of. your body because apparently semen's. like very nutrientdense.

>> and you have to keep that in. >> That's what they say. But then they're. like. >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. >> Yeah. >> What do you Yeah, just recycle it. But. they uh they said that if you then if. you don't come enough, you get prostate. cancer, they're saying. So, I don't. know, man. >> I I am. >> I don't know what to do. >> Yeah. I haven't got any of that stuff. checked yet. And I should I'm going. supposed to get a colonoscopy on. Thursday. >> Really? >> Yes. My first one, >> but I'm. >> How old are you? >> 49. I'll be 49 in July. Yeah. >> Whoa. I thought you were supposed to get. him earlier. >> Yeah, I know. >> You've been holding it off. >> Yeah. And now everybody's dying. Eric.

Dayne died and the other guy died. So, I'm like, "This has got to get done, dude.". >> And that's an easy one to treat, apparently. >> Pour a little out for JB. >> This episode is brought to you by. GrubHub. Let's just riff for a second about the. joy of ordering takeout and the. heartbreak of realizing at checkout how. expensive delivery and service fees have. gotten. And honestly, I, you know, this. is a personal issue for me. I'm pretty.

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diners love without fees that turn. bigger orders into bigger costs. By. removing delivery and service fees on. those orders, GrubHub is putting money. back where it belongs, which is under. your sweaty butt cheeks in your wallet, helping diners like you save millions. annually without changing a single step. at takeout. Get no delivery or service. fees on restaurant orders over $50 when. you order on GrubHub. Visit GrubHub for. more details. >> No, I should go. My grandmother had it. and I eat nothing but like French fries.

and burgers and [ __ ]. >> I used to get colonics. You ever heard. of that? >> That's used to they stick a tube up your. ass. It's like the same thing as a and. they shoot water up there and it cleans. out like you see the the other stuff. come out like French fries and [ __ ]. >> Now, how does that work though? Is that. like the same way when you clean a fish. tank that you create like a vacuum? >> Yep. Exactly. So, what they do is like. you literally it's like two tubes going. in and then one pushes the water and the. and it just like it's like a and the. other one shoots it out. I don't know. that this is healthy. >> It was happening all the time in the. like the early 2000s. Everybody was.

getting colonics to lose weight, >> right? >> Yeah. >> Yeah. Apparently apparently there's a. bunch of just like [ __ ] inside. >> Yeah. There was like full I used to like. full like halfeaten French fries which. would would come down the I swear to God. like stuff that you could see what it. was the food that you ate. >> It was disgusting. >> Don't turn into like probiotics though. >> Yes. And then you got to eat probiotics. You take pills because there's good bro, you know, bacteria and bad. But like, >> do you feel is it like I I I know people. did. I always assumed it was kink. >> No, I thought it was just kink.

>> No, no, I don't think so. Like people. were telling me I was going to die if I. didn't get it. >> Yeah, I know. I remember. >> like you eat terribly. You should. definitely get the like I was I wasn't. like hanging out with a lot of actors. then, so they were like all getting. colonics. >> No comedian friends of mine got. colonics. >> But now it's like uh fasting is like the. new colonic. Oh, like uh show 48 hour. >> 48 hours. >> Crap. Yeah. >> Have you ever done anything like that? >> I've done 24 hours for fun, like as a. gag like 20 like 10 years ago. But now. Lewis Gomez is a guy that's like Sorry.

He's like eating. >> He's like eating every other day and. which to me is like an eating disorder. People are like, "I eat three times a. week." I'm like, "Yeah, you have an. eating disorder." Yes. I mean, you know, >> you feel good though. I I did a 4-day. fast one time. >> Four days. >> Four day. Yeah. For what purposes? >> Just it was like me and my brothers and. cousins had a group text. So we just all. see who could go the furthest. So my. brother didn't drink water for I think. 72 hours. He said his vision just got. blurred. I thought I was going to die. I.

thought I was going to die. >> Wait, you're But that's You're supposed. to drink water, right? During a fast. >> There's a whole other thing called dry. fasting where they're saying if you like. if you don't put any water in your. system for you can do it for like two. days and your body just like I don't. know flushes [ __ ] out. I don't know how. it works. >> really. I thought you just become like. dehydrated. And. >> I did one day it was no problem. I did. four days. I would say two is the sweet. spot. Four by the fourth day you just. feel like decrepit, but I I was like. working out and stuff fasted. Like you.

really don't need as much food as I. think people say. >> I could drink lemonade for three days in. a row. Just lemonade. >> Yeah, that that would count. >> I've done that. I think I've done that. before with no water in between. Just. straight lemonade for three days. >> That would count. >> Did you see the Seinfeld Epstein email? >> No. >> No way. It was like uh I believe I don't. know if you can if you can look it up, but it was like Jer Jerry and Jessica. coming over. They want lemonade. And I. believe Lemonade was in quotes. I could. be wrong about that, but it definitely. said they need lemonade. >> Really? >> I didn't know he was in it, too. >> Yeah. Well, he must get pissed on. I.

think. >> Lemonade. >> Oh my god. >> That's one thing. >> I don't know. I don't I'm not even one. of these guys. That's what I saw. But. no, that's. >> But name is Wouldn't that would be. amazing if Jerry. >> Also, why would you air quote the secret. term though? because he doesn't I mean. it's Jerry Seinfeld. >> who wants. >> but I don't think he was sending it. Did. you find it? >> Yes, it says Jerry and Jessica Seinfeld. are going to be sailing. Can I organize. for them to come to the island for. lemonade? >> And is lemonade in quotes?

>> All right, I made it up the quotes. All. right, maybe Jerry just doesn't drink. and he's like, "All right, he'll have. lemonade.". >> Yeah, that's fair. >> That's totally fair. >> Yeah. >> Want some lemonade? Hang out with. pedophile, you know, thirsty. It's hot out. I know. This guy must have. had the greatest [ __ ] though. Like. boats and like planes. That's what you. have to go with now if you if that's. your only connection. Be like. >> kids, too. >> Yeah. I mean, yes. You got to steer away. from anything that's cool about kids. You just got to be like, he had a great. plane. He had the best boats.

>> Well, the the question is is like when. was the email sent? Because there's the. preconviction and then there's. >> post. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There people. like the guy on. >> Oh, that's after that's 2009 was the. conviction I think or eight or. something. >> Earlier. Yeah. >> Eight. >> 2008. Yeah. >> Yeah. And there's plenty of guys that. are going back and forth after that. >> Yeah. I cuz I think the the conviction. was sealed. They they did like a sealed. thing. So like everyone named in the. case it was like buried and he just got.

like you know uh soliciting an underage. process. >> Did he do time? Did he go to jail? >> I thought I saw a mug shot. So I think. he just did house arrest. That's why he. was stuck in New York City. >> Wow. >> And that's when people started like. would still come and Bill Gates went and. got, you know, fundraised from Jeffrey. Epste. That was the weird one when it. was like I was just looking for money. >> So dude, you're a billionaire. Why would. you need to talk to a pedophile about. money like why why. >> I know? >> But who knows? That's the other thing, too, though. The the flip side of this. is people just being like, "Yeah, that. guy's clearly a pedophile now. He's in.

the email. Pedophile." That's there's. something kind of [ __ ] up about that, honestly. Yeah. No, it's not good. I. mean, I'm friends with a lot of people. that do a lot of things. I'm not really. those things. >> Yeah. >> You can be friends. I'm going to name. names. >> Yeah. We all have friends that have done. horrible things. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> But I don't know, man. Would you would. you if someone was a convicted. pedophile, would you still. >> Well, I mean, I know in a very I don't. want to I mean, >> oh boy. >> Just mark the time stamp now just in. case. >> Yeah. The text later,

>> but like Reap is in trouble. John Reap's. in big trouble, dude. Really? >> Oh yes, dude. He's going like he's on. house arrest now, I think. But like he. was a good friend and like we hung out. and you never knew but like Yeah. >> But that's fair. That's before. >> and so but yes. Yes. >> The question is now are you? >> No. I did not Facebook message him after. the. >> not going to visit for lemonade. >> No dude I want to go. Bro, let me come. over for a glass of that cold cold. lemonade. >> You know you make it the best. No, because I've been paranoid about because.

I don't think I've sent any horny emails. to anybody, but now I'm like, bro, if I. sent one to a pedophile, >> well, yeah, [ __ ] Yeah, >> I'm done. Kiss it goodbye. >> And you know, they're going to flip on. you, dude. >> Goodbye. >> Yeah, kiss all this decadence goodbye. Yeah, >> they'll flip on you, too, dude. You. know, if they get in trouble, they'll be. like, "Yeah, the pedo's going to be. like, well, I talk to McCusker a lot.". >> Dude, that [ __ ] [ __ ] he did where he. send himself he would send himself. emails. really incriminating [ __ ] about other. people. Epstein did. >> Yeah. Yeah. >> Oh, >> smart about it.

>> I mean, but it's also like why does it. dude? >> No, dude. Maybe we should change the. topic. >> Cool, dude. I think it's fine. >> I think those are just allegations. >> Not necessarily true. >> That's a wrap. We got We got to be. careful about who we uh. >> That was crazy. >> who we blaspheme on this podcast. >> I know, man. It was Yeah. It's It's got. It's It's got everyone, you know, it's a. craze right now. It's like McCarthyism, but just pedophiles. Yeah, >> everyone's trying to figure out who's a. pedophile right now. >> Well, that was Mezer came in last night.

and. >> Oh, gave you the day. I asked him a. question of the night. One question. I. said, "Is was Nick Fuentes the head of. the Proud Boys?" And he was like, "NO.". THEN HE broke it all. It was like I sent. him down some sort of spiral that he was. LIKE, "WHAT ARE YOU AN IDIOT?" Like I. And explain everything to me. I don't. understand a thing he's talking about. >> He can do a good 45m minute talk on this. one. Not and and like Brazilian. jiu-jitsu you verbally like you're like. you're like I got to try to. >> Yeah. Or the worst squeeze out.

>> You knew about like the medieval paper. conspiracies, right? And I'm like no. like. >> Yeah. Right away like well here's 30. seconds on that before I get into the. next thing you don't understand. You're. like what are you talking about? I love. him but it's like. >> is the worst when he I feel like I. disappoint him. He's like you [ __ ]. you don't know about that. I'm like. >> but now I feel like dude he's right. He's been talking about like he's been. trying to get someone to listen to this. and now he's you know a lot of the. shit's right. >> Yeah. >> I don't know about the eating children. >> That's where I draw the line. Yeah. >> I'm not sure. >> He tried to get me then to that and I.

was like I can't do the eating I. >> Yeah. >> What's the proof? >> What's the proof that they did? >> Yeah. >> Really? Do children do you think they. would taste good? >> Well, if you look at it ve tastes good. >> Every baby animal is the best tasting. version of that animal. I wish you. didn't make the best point. >> That was the worst. >> I was like I'm trying to go down the. road of like if you're going to eat eat. another big person like another. cannibalism. >> This thought disturbed me very badly the. other night. I was laying awake and I. was I was thinking about lamb. I like.

eating lamb. >> I do love lamb. >> I'm like why is it so it's a baby? But. it's so. >> parmesan. >> Yeah. Babies are the most delicious. animals you can eat. >> Yeah. >> Just isn't that fish eggs? >> It's an egg. Yeah. >> The baby the tiniest. >> The tiniest of all the babies. >> The most expensive. Yeah, dude. And. they're the best. >> I'm going to have a 2-year-old at my. rental house right now. If you guys want. to. >> fire up the grill and see how this thing. tastes. delicious. >> Or you could eat the meat of like a. warrior's thigh for like religious. purposes. >> Yeah. That you know,

>> you know, >> that feels like. >> after you rip his heart down and throw. it down the steps, you could eat a small. sliver of his thigh. >> But but you know what though? The eating. of the babies makes so much more sense. now cuz like. progressives are like supposed to be. like poshy people. And it seems I could. just see them all slicing up a little. piece and just tasting it and being like. delicious. You know, >> logging into My Fitness Pal. >> Yeah. Like. >> that's how they probably got caught. They're probably trying to upload the. macro. >> Yeah. Like how many calories are in a. baby's thumb?

>> You know, like what are you whatever. you're eating? >> You think they suck the baby's thumb for. a little bit, too? >> Oh, god man. I mean, it's terrible. But. I never until you said the thing about. how great little things taste. >> That's terrible. There's also the whole. adrenchrome thing and like stem cell. Babies have a lot of stem cells. So, there could be like health. >> I can't get on board with it. I cannot. believe I'm not I'm not like. >> It seems like you're trying to convince. me. >> No. Well, that makes more sense. If. you're killing a baby for the stem cells. to refurbish yourself or whatever. >> Yeah. Keep yourself like as well eat it.

>> Yeah. Why? motivation is the stem cell. and then eating it is sort of like its. own. >> well the go ahead. >> I saw a video and they said they like. they would impregnate ladies and have. them like get abortions and they would. eat the fetuses for all the stem cells. so they can stay young. >> today children. of a baby like. >> unredacted. >> I mean the senders and recipients are. redacted but there's like. >> why are those people redacted. >> yeah that's insane.

>> those are the people be the victims, but. for some reason it's the. >> people that ate the baby. >> A lot of laws in doing that apparently, according to Nick Brian. >> Yeah, I could see that. Well, the. million-dollar question is if they get. busted doing like hard, you know, satanic, you know, symbology, then that. leads to maybe they were eating babies. for ritual stuff. But if you look at the. there was a weird temple on the island, so it's like why would you put that on. there? >> So, >> does this end? Is it over now or you.

think it's like under underground now? Like they have to go really underground. >> I mean, it's it's billionaires, man. Billionaires have so much money. It's. like that's, you know, it's one place. they can probably be like, "All right, let's switch it up." And. >> but I I don't again I don't I'm with. you. I don't know if they're eating. babies. I don't want people I don't. know. I think like to assume like, "Yeah, I knew they were eating babies.". >> The problem is is that like they were. right about some of the stuff that we. were like, "No way, dude." And now it's. like we got to they're trying to get us. over that baby eating bridge. >> And I don't know. I'm not. >> I mean they practice cannibalism still.

in different parts of the world. So if. you're like a global citizen like these. guys were that's why the age of consent. is not a real thing to them. >> It's not shocking to them. >> Yeah. Cuz they're going, "Dude, I can. just fly to Thailand and do this." So. like if I have my own island and I'm I'm. going back and forth to Thailand, I. might as well just be a better ass on my. island. >> I got to figure out how to make more. money. I know. I got to get my punch up. live. >> I got to get uh to get that thing shop. full of dates. >> More crowd work. You got to crowd work. it Got to crowd work it up, dude. Get. some vids out there. >> Ding on a baby. >> I think that's dying, though. I think.

the crowd work's dying. I think so. >> Feels like it. Really? I think so. >> Yeah. What's the new What's the new uh. wave, though? That's the question. >> Props. >> Props. >> Props. >> Prop comedy. Prop comedy clips will be. nice. >> I've been doing uh the Sora, you know, that the 3D I mean the AI like you just. you can make yourself do anything. >> I've been using that as promo. That's. like people and people hate it because. they're like using AI AI or whatever, but they're easy. They're fun. They're. stupid and they're you can literally put. yourself in any situation in the world.

>> Yeah, >> it's it's sick. >> You need a baby. >> You could I mean maybe not. No. Sometimes one time I was like I was. going to do a joke about my son wants. abs or whatever and I was like maybe. I'll animate see if the joke works and. that and they were like no no no no. nothing. No kids shirtless nothing like. that. So there are parameters but. >> I've been I've every video I make I do I. go make me a ripped 50-year-old man and. it's it's seamless. Dude, >> I get fooled by all the time. >> I do. >> Did you do one recently where you were. skiing and you were jacked? Yeah. I got. I was like, "Damn, Renzi is jacked." I.

get fooled, >> dude. I'm telling fooled every time I. see those things. I'm like, >> I know. I get like family members being. like, "What are you on TRT?" Like, "What. are you doing?" People think it's real. It's so [ __ ] It's amazing. >> I've seen the one where you can make two. people kiss. >> That's at Skag Fest and I thought that. was real. It was like Aaron Berg and uh. Yep. Lev Fur. >> You can make them kiss. >> Yeah. And they were just making out and. I was like, "What are you guys doing?". Yeah. You're like, "Ah, we're it's. skankfest." I was like, "Jesus, that's. crazy.". Like, >> and then you realize the real you comes. out. I'm like, "I'm not into this.".

>> Yeah. Yeah. That's not me. >> Yeah. Dude, me and uh me and La Mer were. in uh what was it? Salt Lake City in. Boise, Idaho this weekend. And we're, you know, I think we're in Boise. We're. walking and we pass this bank called. Zion Bank. We're just joking with each. other being like, I wonder who owns, you. know, that establishment. just having a. good laugh, innocent laugh with each. other. And as we turned the corner, they. were surrounded by Palestinian. protesters. And I was like, damn, that. must have sucked if you were a Jewish. banker. Because it was literally Friday,

like 6:00 p.m. Weeks finally over. TGIF. >> and you come out to your mortal enemies. >> Yeah, right there. >> That would [ __ ] that would that would. [ __ ] that would suck. >> I know. >> We were just thinking about that like, damn, that would stink, man. >> On a Friday. Yeah. >> Yeah. You're just a Jewish banker. Yeah. Like, damn it. >> Yeah. They're just holding up [ __ ]. big billboards of. >> What were they there for? Just cuz they. hate. >> protesting. >> Protesting. >> Yeah. >> Just the country or. >> is it real? >> I didn't ask. I was like, this is none.

of my business. >> What are you guys into? What's your. What's your real show to do? >> Break it down for me. >> I had a show to do, man. I was, you. know, it's none of my business. But I. walked past I was like, damn, this this. does not seem It doesn't seem like a. pleasant thing to walk out to. >> No, that would be a bummer. >> You Yeah, it also t it's just Yeah. a. banker. I walked around when the whole. uh thing was going on originally with. October 7th with Ari. We were on a tour. We went to some colleges and they were. protesting there. Oh. >> And he would just walk around and [ __ ]. with people just like he was very. >> he didn't take it obviously seriously,

but like I felt bad. I was like, "Dude, you we shouldn't be here right now.". Like like. >> like they're they're swastikas around. like they're like they were getting. hardcore. >> Damn. >> Yeah. Yeah. And he was, you know, he, you know, Ari, but like I was, I was. like, "Oof, this is this feels. horrific.". >> They were swastikers on the college. >> I mean, they were like, Yeah. I mean, they went all the way, dude. Yeah. >> Were they the college kids or were they. just like. >> college kids and then like, you know, sort of like whatever that people that. come to protest with them or whatever, you know. But yeah, it was like, >> dang, I didn't know they're robbing. I.

know it was that bad. >> Oh, it was horrible, dude. >> College campuses. >> One time we remember um Michael Sam, the. football player from Missouri, the first. open guy. I was in what where's Missou? Columbia or Columbus? I always forget. Oh, the college. Columbia. Columbia, Missouri. So, I was doing the club in. Colombia and this was like right as his. time. >> and the Westboro Baptist Church people, which I had never heard of the Westboro. Baptist, that's the Am I saying that. right? Yeah. >> I thought these were just like community. people, but they were all protesting and.

it was like go home homo and all this. stuff. Yeah. >> And you know, I was a good progressive. guy. I was like [ __ ] I was a Tommy. John. I was like drive by there. I'm. going to give him a what's for and so I. was like leaning out the window and I. was like [ __ ] you you [ __ ] bigot and. I just yelled. >> hello I was like you [ __ ]. >> you [ __ ] cops suckers. >> because I couldn't think that was like. the most funky. but I realized as we like they probably. think I'm on their side like. >> the [ __ ] I couldn't. >> I was trying to hurt them.

>> yes. >> but I'm like one of us. >> I don't know if we could say that on. this [ __ ]. >> no that's I still that's like my level. 10 angry if I very angry. It just flies. out of the car. I'm like arguing with. stranger usually from my car. That's. >> unfortunately. >> It's much better than the n word. >> Yeah. Yeah. I would like to think so. >> Yeah. >> So, >> yeah. >> We're the good guys. >> I would like to think so. The dad, you. can rattle one of those out of me if you. get me angry enough. >> Yeah. But it was it was definitely I. remember sitting back in the car and.

being like, "Oh, that wasn't great.". >> Not my finest moment right there. But also, I think like the West, are. they still around? Those guys? >> When we lived in uh Philly, we would see. them all the time near where we were. living. We would go down just to kind of. watch them do their thing. Those dudes. just rip. >> Yeah. They're. >> They'll start roasting you if you if. they if you're standing, they get like. the sense that you're kind of like. laughing at them. They'll just zero in. on you and be like, "Fuck you. Nice hat, you piece of shit." They'll like come at. you. >> Really? >> Yeah. >> They get like specific on. >> Yeah. He got [ __ ] Me and Shane were. standing there years ago and he was.

like, "Not dame [ __ ] sucks." And he. just kept talking. It was literally it. was very. >> ironically they're similar to black. people. >> Yeah. They like to roast. They like to. rip on people. Look at these pants. >> You guys got a lot of Come on. I just. >> Why don't you just roast each other? >> Yeah. >> They should have them on. We got the. podium. >> You got the podium right here. >> Be nice. I like to have West Barrow and. West whatever it's called and Black. Israelite. They'd be. >> Uhhuh. >> good guys. >> I feel like I'm shaking this thing. >> It's okay. >> Yeah. Yeah. I feel like they'd be a nice. match cuz they are essentially the same.

beings. Like same thing. >> Yeah. I mean, they're passionate. >> Yeah. >> They're both passionate. >> Yeah, I would say that. >> Yeah. >> They're also like It's like It's like. religious edge. It's like they're like. to That's like to the max. >> Yeah. >> Just being like, "Yeah, I don't accept. homosexuality." And you just scream. >> Do Do they fly like Do they fly like. together to the like? >> That's what I'm wondering. Like do they. like have like like what do they all go.

like if something happens in Cleveland. do they all fly to Cleveland to protest? >> I think there's like local I don't know. >> there's local chapters. >> Yeah. Yeah. >> I've never seen a Westboro chap anywhere. I've been but I mean. >> I've never on a plane. >> I think they're foot travel primarily. >> Those guys. >> foot or. travel. >> Yeah. >> Or train. They could take a train. >> I never seen them on a train. >> Yeah. That's true. Yeah, I think I I. don't know. >> That's just the air thing.

>> Yeah, we're fine. We got an air fine. changing topic again. >> Yeah, enough with that. >> They can travel however they like. >> Yeah. No, I never Yeah, those scream. scream political guys are nice. I like. them. >> There's something about them that is. kind of fun. It's just so ridiculous. >> But it feels like uh like what's that. word? theater. like uh uh what's that. thing called that people like they do. [ __ ] out in the street? >> Performance art. >> Performance art. >> It feels like performance art. Are they. actually just. >> psych? >> Like how that's what I was saying. How.

into that like if it's if it's not. something that really hits them like I. guess all these issues hit them hard of. like these gays are getting married or. whatever, but like. >> do they give it their all every time. they go or is it just sort of they you. know you phoned it in after a while like. this is what we do? seemed like he was. kind of phoning it in a little bit. Like. he was doing the thing, but it didn't it. didn't seem like he was You've seen the. guys before in Vegas are like, "You're. going to hell.". >> He seemed like he was just kind of like. dialing it in. >> Yeah. Just torturing people. >> You're probably going to hell, but if. you don't, that's fine, too. >> Cool. Yeah. This guy's an idiot. >> Yeah.

>> No, he was he was definitely he was. ripping. >> But yeah, dude. I um we were in Salt. Lake this weekend. I didn't know there. was a theater that's no alcohol. >> Oh, yeah. >> Yeah. Completely dry theater. It was. fun, but I was like I never seen that. before. Could you drink? >> I don't really drink when I was stand. up. So, >> yeah, but it was like an option if you. wanted to or whatever. >> No, you couldn't. Nobody could. No, not. saying the audience, but like backstage. >> I could if I wanted to, but the whole. audience, no bar service, nothing. >> Weird. Yeah. >> And you didn't know that before? >> I I the day I got there. >> How do they make money?

>> The door. >> The door. But I mean, you got to get. some of that. But I mean, like, where's. where's their concessions? >> They hurt me. >> Yeah, >> they hurt me bad. But no, it was uh you. know, I don't know. That's what I was. trying to figure out. I'm like, "What. the fuck?". >> Popcorn, you know? >> I think they did have so much popcorn. >> [ __ ]. keep it going. Keep the mill running. That's crazy. No alcohol. >> I don't know. I I almost I've been. thinking too like I think they I think. we should do something now where it's. like, you know, we have rehab, but we.

should have like a almost like an. all-inclusive thing for alcoholics to. relapse within. You know what I'm. saying? Like if you're like, I'm getting. the itch and I can't stop it. It's like, all right, you got to go to bed. It's. like the opposite of rehab where you. just [ __ ] rage for like a month. >> Hey, that's not bad. >> It's not a bad idea. >> But they're not out. They're like. contained. >> They're contained. They're completely. contained. Everyone they got you got. people that can like pull you, put you. to sleep, but you get to just for like. get out of your system. >> Pretty interesting because there's no no. phone. You can't text the ex. You can't. go cheat. >> So, it's like totally clinical,

>> but you would still put like. Margaritaville. >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. >> You're going to feel the old feelings. You're going to get that old thy back. But we could come visit you, [ __ ]. smack them. >> What's that last week when you got to. weed him back off and get him back into. like send them back home into real? That's going to be that's the tough. part. >> You could stage like a like a you know. like like a vehicular mass launch. Oh, like like you're outside of [ __ ] Cabo. Wabo and all of a sudden three hookers. just slit your throat and you're like,

"Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hold on. Hold on. I take it back. I'm good. I'm. going to dial it down. Start to bring it. down. No more lines. This could be something. This could be. your ticket to billionaire. >> Yeah, >> that would be pretty. >> And this is you're like an expert, so I. mean something of that. I I could be. what do you call it? Uh. >> a test case. >> A consultant. >> Uh. >> that was like did I just say a crazy. word that I didn't know. Everyone. stopped. I was like. >> everyone was like, "Oh shit.". >> I was waiting for the word you say.

>> I was like jeez, did I? >> Well, you can keep them right next to. rehab. So it's just like, "Hey, man. >> A or. >> A or B. just have it out and you get. tired, come over here. And then. eventually, I think people might be. like, I'm just going to stay over here. >> But I think that only works for people. who have been sober for a while and then. just want to are feeling it again. I. don't think. >> to get sober, you just send them back to. like this is the last stand like this is. going to be your last sort of Yeah. the. the last ride. >> The beginning, guys, you couldn't give. them like an all-inclusive. >> No, because they're going to be like, "No, this is the we're never leaving.

We're taking it over.". >> True. >> You know, we'll we'll. >> You have to limit people. Their. insurance will run out. You like, "All. right, you're done." It's true. Yeah. >> Insurance is ran out. >> Sorry, dude. Your HMO sucks. You got to. go. >> Go drink wine in the street now. >> I just like anytime someone's thinking. outside the box, coming up with new. things. So, I I appreciate the idea. >> I think it'd be cool. >> Yeah, that's a good idea. >> I think there should be gyms at the. airport. You got delays. >> I think RFK is trying to do that. >> Oh, really? >> Yeah. He's trying to make the airports. healthier. He's trying to like change. the shitty food. >> Yeah, but he's do it. We lost already.

when they put massage places in before. they put gyms. Like if you're gonna. choose between just laying down and. getting a nice massage or taking a nap. or going to the gym, I think most people. are going to go take that nap. >> I don't see people hit massages at all. on the I've seen the tables. I've seen. maybe like two people actually get. >> really I see people in there all the. time in those little chairs. Yeah. I. mean in the afternoon and stuff, not. early mornings, but like in the. afternoon. >> Sometimes it's a long travel day and. you're like, I'd like to get some. push-ups in, but you look like a [ __ ].

psychopath. Even if there was just a San. Francisco airport has a yoga room, which. is something. Yeah, that's just a little. bizarre to be doing yoga to me. But let. me like let me knock on a few push-ups. >> Yeah, if you're going to do that, I. could walk the airport, get the legs. going, get a little blood flow. If. you're going to start, you're going to. look like a psycho if you start doing. pull-ups and push-ups or something like. that. But I've seen people stretch do. full body like, >> you know, yoga poses and stuff in the. middle of like the areas and stuff. People. >> I can't do it. I I can maybe I can hit. like a hamstring like touch my toes. stretch. I can't do like the downward I.

couldn't do like downward dog or like. >> No, but I could loosen up my hips. I. would like that, you know. Yeah. >> Well, my This is one of the things I'm. most jealous of people. The people that. just aren't completely embarrassed to do. things publicly. >> Yeah. >> Like I see people like doing yoga just. in a public space like in the park and. I'm like I feel like such a [ __ ]. >> Everyone's looking at you right now. How. could you not know that and be [ __ ]. self-conscious about that? >> But it's a freedom they have. >> Yeah. Yeah, I don't have it. >> Yeah, I think it's.

>> I think it's growing up in New England. and then being a comedian. >> Well, it's everything I do. I'm like, am. I standing be like, "What are you doing, idiot? What the [ __ ] Why are you trying. to be different and comfortable?". >> No, I have to pretend I don't like. movies that I like and love my family. >> I'm like, "That's [ __ ]. >> foreign film.". >> Yeah. >> I'm like, "This I loved it. >> My wife's family doesn't like she. they're part Jewish. They don't like. Matt Damon from that. What was that. movie where he um with Bren Brendan. Frasier? school ties school ties. He. they like because he was so real in that.

as an anti-semite that they were like. this guy's got it in him. >> This guy has like real hatred for Jews. in him. Like they have a real like that. total disconnect from reality that they. believe it that Matt Damon is an. anti-semit. Yeah, for real. And so we. all have to pretend that like Matt. Damon's not cool. >> They must really hate Rafe Fines. >> I don't think I won an Oscar. >> Yeah, it's true. >> Well, he didn't win. He lost the Oscar. to Tommy Jones. I can feel people at. home, you piece of [ __ ] No, that's. comment farming. That's good for. engagement.

>> There you go. >> [ __ ]. >> Did he? >> No. That's I That's crazy. I didn't know. he had a movie where he was an. anti-semite. >> Yeah. School ties. >> Yeah, that was an early one. >> Yep. >> Dang. >> Possibly pre-G Goodwill Hunting. >> I think it was. >> Yeah. >> I don't think you do Goodwill Hunting, get nominated for Academy Award, and. then go I'll play I'll go play an. anti-semite for. >> That's a good point. >> Yeah, true. That's wild. It's wild. I. wonder who produced that movie. >> Uh, School Ties. I don't remember. It be. crazy if you just pulled out the. producer of school.

>> Good. >> Yeah, that's uh because you never really. see people. He didn't win any awards for. that role. >> No, it was like a small role. >> Okay. >> It was like he was like Jew hater number. five. Whatever it like that's like Yeah. He didn't even have a name, I don't. think. >> He's also in Courage Under Fire. He's. real skinny in that one. >> Oh, okay. >> Yeah. Also early. By the way, someone. just sent me a great Goodwill Hunting. plot hole and it was just a guy. It. wasn't a guy with like. social media. He had like 40 followers. Yeah. >> But it's a great point. The one about. >> You said you posted about it, right?

>> No, not not mine. I had my own car. Yeah. Yeah. The car. Yeah. Yeah. >> That one people poking holes in. But the. scene the f you know the movie, right? >> Yeah. Yeah. >> The famous scene of like uh How you like. me now? And he, you know, Ben Affam's. Yeah. Ben Affleck's talking to the guy. and then he like is he makes Ben Affleck. look stupid and then Matt Damon comes. and makes him look stupid and then the. guy's like, "Uh, yeah. Well, your kids. will be you'll be serving my kids French. fries. Why does he assume Matt Damon doesn't go. to Harvard? Also, he knows nothing about.

him. They're at a Harvard bar. Matt. Damon just like dunked on him. >> Yes. >> He proves he's like an absolute genius. And the guy's like, "Well, you'll be. working at [ __ ] Burger King.". >> Yeah. Why doesn't he doesn't know what. we know? >> Yeah. Yes. >> Is it just the accent? >> I get Well, yeah. The horrible South. accent pro. I mean, I guess, >> but like the Kennedys have accents. They're smart. >> Okay. All right. All right. >> So, this. >> You know what I mean? >> I mean, this is what we're here for with. these podiums. Okay. All right. Ladies.

and gentlemen, this is a piece of bad. writing. >> So, that was that was the plot hole that. they all of a sudden knew that he wasn't. >> Well, yeah. I mean, >> he's like, they're in a Harvard bar in. Cambridge and this guy walks over and is. like [ __ ] just rifling off all these. >> Hold on. Didn't before that he ask him. who did you have for a like didn't he. mention a teacher? Did they they talk. about like didn't you have this guy for. or was it a book? I think it was like a. book. >> He's quoting a book to you read this. then that. Okay. So that what is that.

movie? I I've seen that movie but it was. a long time ago. It's essentially about. a guy who's white trash but is smart. >> Yeah. He's a janitor. >> Yeah. I remember that. He's a genius. >> He's a genius and. >> he works at MIT. I think it was. >> Yeah. He cleans floors at MIT. He's a. genius and he needs to be challen I mean. the whole movie is wonderful but silly. >> Yeah. I mean it like their original you. know the original script was like they. were like they solved the problem cuz. aliens were coming down and stuff like. that. Oh yeah. It was horrific. >> Yeah. >> It was like really bad.

>> Well, there's rumors that people someone. else kind of. >> Well, yeah. I think because they were. they were like he they he went so far as. like he had he was the only person that. could figure out the algorithm to set. the thing off that was going to kill the. rocket that was coming down to shoot up. Earth or whatever. >> It's like Armageddon. >> Yeah. So I think they were going in that. direction there. >> That's also a weird That's a weird. fantasy that I I've like it's a. personality type that's like there was. this guy and he was really smart and. only he knew the solution to the big. problem and he saved everyone. It's I. I've like heard people do that before. >> Yeah. Well, >> I've never that's never anything I've.

ever fantasized about. It was way better. the way it went, the way they chose to. go. >> Well, I think Louisie had a bit about. it, too. It's like. >> Matt Damon wrote the movie. He stars the. movie and like it's like he's like a. badass who can fight and beat the [ __ ]. out of anybody, but he's also super. smart, >> but he's also cool. >> And it's like there's no The guy has no. flaw whatsoever in the movie, >> but he's a piece of [ __ ]. >> He like overcame everything and he can. fight and he's cool and he's smart. >> Yeah. But we got to feel bad for him. >> And Yeah. Yeah,

>> cuz he can't get it together with the. hot chick. >> Whatever. I like that. >> That's so that's a big thing. >> Yeah, you know, cuz he was abused and. all his stuff. And then that's how Robin. Williams gets involved. He's the. therapist. >> Gotcha. >> Just Yeah. >> Is Ben Affleck in this movie though? >> Oh, yeah. Yeah. What is he? >> He's his best friend. I think that's the. only way he might know that he's not. from Harvard is because you wouldn't. have a gorilla friend like like [ __ ]. Ben Affleck coming over like like nobody. else was like, "Hey, I you know from. Harvard was like going to interject the. [ __ ] out of Even if he doesn't go to. Harvard, he's still clearly like a.

brilliant guy. He's like, "Yeah, you. work at Burger King." He should have. been like, "Why would I work at Burger. King? I'm [ __ ]. >> You're absolutely right, Joe.". >> I mean, this is not my original point. So, what was your plot hole that. everyone. >> My plot hole is they give him a car for. his birthday, his 21st birthday, buy him. a car, >> and then they're like, "Um, all right, enjoy. We're not driving you around. anymore." And then like two scenes. later, they pick him up, which someone. pointed out it could have been Saturday. and they're going out to drink, but they. weren't like, "Oh, his car's not here.". Like they're like, "Oh, he must be like.

he's knocking on his door being like, where could he be?". >> He could like, "How could he possibly. not be home?" But a big indicator would. be that his car is not here. And the one. you just. >> That seems like a bigger plot hole than. I [ __ ] that other guy. >> Other guy's a [ __ ] dumbass, bro. I'll. never be like Goodwill Hunting. Sorry, I. brought. >> my heart's racing. >> I remember I had um my whole family does. like demolition and I remember when I. started standup, you know, I did stand. up for a couple years. I met a bunch of. comedians in Philly and then I quit.

standup to work in demolition and I was. walking home from work cuz I I was like. working in Philly and I had to take the. subway back to like where I lived and I. had like this these like work overalls. and I was all dirty and I came off and. saw all my comedian friends and they're. like, "Oh man, where you been?" I I. remember feeling so cool. Like, yeah, I'm just working out, guys. I just like. I It was such a good feeling. >> Yeah. You feel like a [ __ ]. >> I felt I felt. >> productive member of society, dude. >> No, I felt more like Goodwill Hunting. I. felt like a misunderstood creative. >> I remember just being like, I'm a. genius, obviously. I got to go work.

It's a tragedy. It's a tragedy. I got to. work for my dad right now. >> I can't do comedy open mics with you. guys right now. So, it's pretty cool. >> Yeah. Yeah, I remember telling people my. uncles are plumbers and I would go work. with them and then I would tell people. like yeah I do plumbing and they're like. oh [ __ ] but which is cool where I come. from. >> but I I just was like wrench I'm like. there you go like I didn't know how to. >> plum. guy hand out tools and get yelled. >> at just standing around. >> I was the helper guy big time. Yeah,

>> I was never anytime they were like, "Cut. me a 2x4. I need a 37 3/4." I'd always. be like, "It's going to take me 20. minutes. I got to There's so many lines. I'd have to be like, "All right, the. quarter or like the eighs and 16s on a. tape measure." You're like, >> I tried to rent my own bathroom once. I. bought a condo. I was like, "I'm going. to do it myself." Cuz at the demo part, that's fun ripping [ __ ] out and threwing. it away and stuff. >> But then like the plumbing part, it was. like I got it. I couldn't get it right. I had to actually call a real plumber. Yeah. To come over and finish the whole. thing. It cost me a ton of money and it.

sucked. And I was like, "This is not. fun." Like, I'm not have. >> this sucks, dude. Like, this I'm never. going to get good at this. I don't want. to get good at this. It's just I'm going. to hire people. That's how it goes for. the rest of my life. >> Plumbers are going to be f It'd be like. if someone was like, "Yeah, I had a big. corporate party and I wanted to do the. standup.". >> Yeah, I know. >> I thought I was trying to do an hour, but way out of my life. >> I did four minutes for four minutes. >> Plumbing is hard. Plumbing is the only. trade I never like got to like help out. with or try to do. >> I don't even know how water goes. upstairs in my house. Like how do you.

make that water go up? Yeah, I know. Like the pressure and stuff. >> Yeah, I guess. I don't know. >> Yeah, but there's weird things with. water though, like that. Yeah. How to. get it to I don't know. >> My brother-in-law is an HVAC guy and he. just knows everything. Like he went Oh, really? Yeah. Like he. >> What the bro? It's amazing. It's. amazing. >> Hold on. >> Whoa. >> This is friendship vibes right now. >> We got our clip. Purple friendship. vibes. >> Straight to the top, baby. >> Yeah. No, I uh I the I used to do house.

painting and like 80% of the customers. are pregnant ladies that are about to. have kids, you know, husband everything. because they they get that nesting. instinct. They want just change the. house around. So a huge percentage of. the jobs the husband had tried to do it. failed and then we would come in to like. fix it and it was just it was really. demoralizing. You. >> see the guy in there and he'd be like. >> yeah it's up there and you walk in and. he would be like look. >> all half on the ceiling. >> all [ __ ] up and it would be like. better. >> tape is still on there. I mean.

>> swap stick is everywhere. >> Using tape is kind the guy my friend I. worked for he would call tape users. It. was like kind of shameful. It was I. would frog tape the floor. I tried to do. all the shipping myself. >> Yeah. >> And then you I I hired an 80-year-old. Greek man that came in with like one arm. did the whole [ __ ] thing. He's My. wife wanted uh um wallpaper on the. ceiling. We have wallpaper on our. ceiling. >> Yeah. >> Nobody would do it. This [ __ ] this. 80-year-old Greek man did it in like an. hour and a half and perfect and. beautiful. I'm like I couldn't if you.

gave me a hundred years. >> No. >> It would it would look horrible. I feel. like if you're using tape to paint, you. should call someone else to paint for. you. >> Yeah. >> Tape is like it it takes so long and the. chances of you not bleeding through and. just [ __ ] it up anyway. It's. >> No, I I I hire everything. >> Yeah. So do I. >> That's what real men do, >> I guess. I mean, I feel like I you know, you see your friends cutting their own. lawns and [ __ ] and they look really. nice. Like my guy cuts my lawn on. Thursdays. Some Sundays it's like.

sometimes it doesn't look great and I. want to cut again but I can't because I. don't have the skills for a. >> lawn mower. You could cut a lawn. You. could do the lawn. >> I got I don't have a lawn mower. This is. all. >> stand on a lawn mower or the skills to. do it but. >> yeah I mean it's Yeah, I wouldn't if you. don't have to do it I wouldn't do any of. that stuff. >> One time I got when I first bought my. house I got a ride-on lawn mower and it. was ah it was awesome. The guy left it. and I was driving around. I didn't know. how it worked. I remember I like I would. cut the whole grass and then I realized. at the end I never put the mower part. down. >> I never put the blade down. I was just.

like a Zamboni going up and down my. [ __ ] driveway up and down my lawn. like smoking a butt like feeling like a. man, dude. >> Pretty thick still, you know? Just drove. over. >> Yeah. Just rode around with a. >> But a lawn mower lawn mower is just like. a shopping cart. >> Yeah. >> You just hold it and Yeah. push it. the. the it depends on how if you can get. your lines neat. That's. >> But then the edging, you know, the. edging, all that stuff. You got to buy. the trimmer and then the blower. Yeah,

the weed whacking. They do it so well. >> Weed whacking sick. I I used to do lawn. care and I being just the weed whacker. guy. You hop out, someone mows, and you. just get to walk and just go is [ __ ]. awesome. >> You got a lot a lot of hats. >> I I've had I've had many I've had almost. every type of job you can possibly have. >> You're like the village people over. here. >> No. Oh yeah, I had uh dog walking. Dog. walking was cool. >> Dog walk. I used to. >> That was my favorite one. >> I used to drive an old lady to dialysis. three times a week when I first moved to. Los Angeles. >> She was uh probably 90 years old.

>> and she I take her but she was she was. funny, nice, you know, older lady from. Brooklyn and but she would you know. diialysis is pretty crazy like it's. intense. So she would get she would get. like uh she would get into my car and. all a sudden like she would rush and she. would and it start to bleed again. I'd. have to drive her back and she was like. I'm embarrassed and then I would take. her to the store. She just like now. you're. >> Yeah. I was like no no I'm like I felt. responsible for this lady.

>> Come here. Come here. Uh. >> take her shopping. Dude, there it was. like we it was like Tuesdays with. [ __ ] Mory, her and I like we would. spend all day together grocery shopping. >> She like buying like hair products and. stuff and she was like my grandmother. I. would drive her around for like. >> That's kind of nice. You home care. pretty much home care. Yeah. Absolutely. I was like and I was not equipped to do. this at all. I was you know I was. terrified of blood. >> Yeah. >> And I death and I was like this lady it.

was her her son was a manager like a big. time manager in Hollywood. >> I would say that makes I'm responsible. If this lady dies on my thing, I'm my. career is over. It's over. >> That's a good candidate, though. If you. walk in for that job and you're like, I. don't fear death nor blood. I'd be like, the [ __ ] out. All right. Get the [ __ ]. out of here. >> Yeah. Thanks for your resume, dude. Yeah. I want a little nervous Nelly in. there, dude. >> I fear neither death nor blood. >> Yeah. >> This episode is brought to you by Prize. Pick. Okay, it's time to shoot your shot. because with Prize Pick, you get $50.

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to people's attention. Also, look at my. little boy here. God, he's back in the. cone. I hate to see it, but yeah. I. mean, I took him to the vet and they. they said my ticket sales were so low in. Indianapolis that they were thinking of. cutting my dog's head off. And I was. like, "If I sell some more, would you. would you not cut him up? Would you not. cut his head off?" And they're like, "Well, if you can get that thing up to 97%. sold, we'll think about it. Otherwise, this cone, it's going to have blades. come out of the side and well, cut his.

[ __ ] head off." So, hopefully we can. avoid that. But yeah, sorry. I'm like. filming at a weird angle. um because I took all my clothes off and. then remembered I had to film a video. So, trying my best not to show everybody. my penis as I lay here. And poor [ __ ]. guy. They're going to cut his damn head. off. Guys, you can catch me in. Cleveland, Ohio. Uh the 6th of March. I'll be at the cle I'll be in Cleveland, Ohio. Then I'll be in Pittsburgh, PA.

Both those sales are looking pretty. strong. So, we're pretty good there. But. yeah, come on out. Uh what else do we. have? St. Louis, Missouri. After that, that's that's in March as well. I think. the 26. I can't really I'm looking at my. computer sideways. It's kind of tough to. really read it. Um, yeah, Indianapolis. That's the big one. That's the one. they're gonna have to cut this guy's. head off if I don't sell enough tickets, which I sure hope that doesn't happen.

But, you know, if it does, you I tried. my best making this sweet promo. in the arms of the angels. So, you like that, don't you? Yeah. So, after that we have This is. just late night vibes, guys. If you. don't like them, go to bed. After that, we have What do we have? St. Paul,

Missouri. What are the sales looking. like? Oh, not bad. All right, that's. that's W, guys. Phoenix, Arizona. I'm. doing the Celebrity Theater. Ticket. sales are abysmal. And the [ __ ] place. is huge, guys. Come on. I mean, it's not. till April 26, so I have time, but come. on, man. Let's [ __ ] get that up. Otherwise, they're going to uh I don't. really want to say it around this little. poor guy. You see the condition? He's. already on the chopping block for. Indianapolis, but man, if I don't sell. out the Celebrity Theater, um.

you know, I don't even want to say what. they're going to do, but. they're going to turn them into. sausages. They're going to feed them to kids who. don't have any food. So, yeah, we don't. want that. Um, they're going to make dog sausages and. give them to poor kids in the third. world. Poor little guy. All right, what else do. we have? Yeah, that's pretty much it. Go. to mmcuser.com, please. This, by the. way, this isn't supposed to be funny. This is a serious business announcement.

Um, so just do it for him. If not for. me, do it for this little guy. He's. blind. Henry Paul did. All right, never mind. Um, he's read Paul, dude. >> Did you see that? Is Netflix has a show. now where it's just last words from. people or is that just like a one-off. thing? >> Oh, cuz of Eric Dane. >> Yeah. Did you see that? >> I saw it last night. I almost watched. it, but I was like, >> dude, I was crying. It was But my thing.

is, is that a show now where they're. dying people give? I think it's a cool. show. >> What do they do? They talk into the. camera, >> dude. He did a whole thing. I thought he. just did it. >> Oh, wow. Yeah, that's because it just. said. >> maybe he just did it and then they were. like one last deal they licensed it to. Netflix to give a little money to the. family or whatever. >> That's cool. I didn't know if it was a. new show. I was like that's kind of a. sick show idea to let people who are. like about to die just be like here's my. thoughts on everything. >> or people that aren't you're just like I. don't know when I could go but if I let. me just tell you something right now. >> Kind of nice little update. >> Yeah. Your best monologue. It's it's a.

tearjerker. It's like a message to his. daughter to his daughter. >> He's dying and it's very very sweet. I. watched it in the hotel room. I started. crying. >> Yeah. It is very nice. >> I would It's I don't know. I mean, we're. probably all around the same age. It's. pretty I'm like, damn, dude. >> Yeah. >> These are This is us. >> Yep. >> You know, it's like this is These people. are us, dude. >> Yep. >> Should you start recording last words? >> Yeah. Jeez. >> All right. Change the change the color. >> Change the black. >> Yeah. Yeah. There we go. All right.

Jesus Christ. >> No, I said the same thing about Epstein. again. I looked and I was just like, first of all, I'm insecure of the fact. that I think I'm going to start looking. just like Epstein pretty soon. >> I've been seeing some pictures of him. I'm like, dude, I'm going to start. >> Your hair gets a little wild, dude. And. that tan, you got to get that tan a. little more. >> I know, man. >> A little more rosacea. >> I might get some work done, too, to. bring my chin out like his. But I think. I'm going to work. I'm That's been Some. guy was like, "Dude, you look just like. Jeffrey." And I was like, "Bro, you hit. my most raw nerve right now. I'm really. worried I look like Epstein.".

>> So, >> I think you're all right. >> Yeah, you're better looking than him. Thank you. Appreciate that. >> Kinder eyes. >> Thank you. He does. He does have scary. eyes. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. I heard he had an egg-shaped. penis. >> Did you hear about that the deposition? He had an egg-shaped penis. >> I feel like every deposition has the. person's penis described in it. Like. everyone you hear about it's like you're. just gonna Well, you know, you heard. what was it? Uh. >> Trump had. >> Trump had his penis described in a. deposition. Anyone with like a sexual. something has a deposition of about. their penis. >> Yeah. That's what I mean that's like. part of the proof to be like what kind.

of dicks you have and they get. >> Yeah. You have to know. And they take it out and they're like, "That's it. >> You [ __ ] this lady. You definitely. [ __ ] this lady.". >> There it is. >> Is this a [ __ ] question? >> They put a bunch of boners in the police. line. >> She have to blindly feel each one. >> I'm going to have to shove this one in. my ass to see if it's the real deal. How. it really feels. I'm going to have to. really get involved with this one. >> Yeah, Trump had he apparently had that. mushroom tip like massive massive. >> But that's the other thing. It's like. these guys all have schmeckles. They. never have like dongs, dude. They never. have units. It's never like And on top.

of him being an unbelievable sexual. predator. >> Yeah. >> He had a [ __ ] unit. >> Like a like a big old unit, dude. >> He was probably pleasing a lot of these. people, >> you know. >> I think it could hurt the kids if you. have a. >> I guess. Yeah. >> So, it's perfect size. That's right. >> Damage. You need a nice. >> In my defense, your honor, my shit's. tiny. So, >> he's looking for one. He's looking for a. onecar garage. Really? >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

>> Hearing this makes me grateful about my. dick, though. I feel like my dick is. just a nice. >> It's not huge, but it's like it's. straight and a nice big. >> standard issue. Pretty. That's it. >> The same way. >> It would be It would be hard to be like, "Oh, there's a this wacky thing.". Although, I do have a bit of a thumb. print because I used to jerk off like. this when I was a kid. So, there's like. a a purple. >> Wait, not grip. >> No. When I was for many years, I jerked. off like this. Oh, like don't touch the. sides. >> Yeah.

>> Okay. >> Yeah. So, I have and I went to the sex. clinic one time. >> Why did you do that though? Like. >> I don't know. That's just like how I. started. I just kept going. It's like a. batting stance, you know? Like you're. just like Yeah. I don't know. I just. feel comfortable. >> Yeah. He goes over it. He He does the. old school wind up. >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. >> Yeah. You got to learn by yourself. >> And I went to a uh sex clinic cuz I had. a herpes. It's a whole thing. But the. lady was like, "What is she like Eastern. European?" She's like, "What is this. contusion from masturbation?" And I had. to be like, >> "Mailed it." Yeah. >> God damn. You've seen a lot of dicks,

lady. >> Holy cow. >> How did it like Why would this make it? >> I think because it's a lot of pressure. and as you're going as you lose control. You probably lose control of your grip. strength. Like you're like you're going. to [ __ ] feel this. >> It could also be cause causation. Like. it it might have been I started jerking. off because it was already there like a. birth mark. >> Oh, maybe it felt good. It was like a. sensitive spot for you. >> Yeah. But I I think it was a conclusion. for masturbation. Oh god. >> I believe. >> Oh, you thought that was like where. like, oh, this is where I jerk off. This.

is my starting point. >> It's my handle. >> It's the grip. >> I remember hearing that it curves you if. you do one hand over the other. So, I. like switched up to my left. >> I started doing western grip where I. would go down, you know, like like a. Yeah. Like down and and away. Down and. away. >> You still do? >> Yeah. No, not anymore. Not anymore. But. uh yeah, when I was trying to switch it. up once in a while, I go. >> western grip. >> I also never had lube. I just nobody. nobody [ __ ] helped me out.

>> There's no. I had no guidance. >> I honestly I I think about that with my. sons. I'm like I know that they're do. they're definitely doing it, but like. are they doing it right? Maybe they. could be contusioning themselves and I. you know I feel responsible. >> Send him a sex clinic. Go get them. checked out. >> I'm gonna send him the clip of this. We'll clip the and then just go, "Hey, >> just so you know." Yeah. So, we got this. [ __ ] out. >> We got this in the brother-in-law thing, I think. >> Straight to the top. >> I used to use blueberry hand soap as. lubricant and it completely dried my.

ball sack out to where like the skin was. falling off and peeling. >> Didn't it burn when it got inside the. tip? >> I don't really recall. I don't think it. ever burned me on the tip. I remember. this. The first my first folly was that. the blueberry soap when I was younger. before I started using it to masturbate. I could have sworn the blueberry I. thought it tasted good. So there was a. part where I. >> You were blowing yourself. >> No, no, no, no. Like I. >> Yeah, I was I was actually I was pretty. big when I was eight. But the uh. >> No, I I remember eating blueberry soap. being like, "If it smells good, it has. to taste good." I pump blueberry soap in.

my mouth. I was like, "Fuck." And then I. started using it to jerk off. >> So it hand soap. No way. >> When I first started jerking off, I I. didn't even jerk off. I just [ __ ] the. pillow. Like I would be on the pillow. >> and [ __ ] the pillow. >> and humping. Yeah. >> Really? >> Yeah. [ __ ] the mattress. >> I I started masturbating before I could. even ejaculate. So I would stand up off. the toilet and pee into the bathtub at. the end and be like, I'm done. >> Wow. >> You're a squirter. >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. >> I'll find you.

>> Yeah. My mom would be out. I'll find. you. >> Oh my god. >> And then I'd go, "Oh yeah, baby. Come. on." Yeah. >> No. >> Work out the legs over here. >> Yeah. No, dude. Look, feel. Look. See. how we're We're fighting. >> I know. I got sciatica, so I'm switching. from side to side. Give a little. stretch. >> If I sit my sciatica axe up. >> Oh, really? I cross my legs like a girl. So, it it loosens it up like, you know, like this. So, it kind of gets it. >> Oh, I got you do this [ __ ]. >> Hip. >> That's how I Yeah. So, I loosen up my. hips. >> What do you do on an airplane? How do.

you get comfortable on an airplane? >> Well, they've they moved me up to a. middle seat. They upgraded me to a uh I. hate I'm in the aisle, dude. I got to be. in the guy. Yeah. I have to be I used to. be a uh you know. >> window. >> a window guy. >> Scumbag. >> Yeah. But then I now I have to get up. I. have to move around. I got to stretch. >> Um I'm Yeah, cuz you. >> I'll stretch in the galley. >> I'll you know, chat it up a little bit. >> Walk around. >> You did something on a plane. I remember. I never brought this up. I don't think I. brought it up with you, but on the way.

back from Skangfest, >> masturbate. >> No, he was in you were I was in comfort. plus. You were in first class and you. went to the bathroom with your shoes off. >> and I honestly was like that. Yeah. I. was like disgusted by that. I was. >> Well, I had socks on. >> You definitely had socks on, but still I. was like, "What?" I And I remember I'm. like, I got to bring this up to Joe next. time. And I'm glad we're in this forum. right now. >> that I can finally debate you on whether. or not it is the most gross thing to go. to the bathroom. This is like a full. West Bro. >> This is 3 hours. Yeah. Something right.

now. Well, I've had other people bring. this up and sometimes we all couldn't. believe it, Joe. >> We all do things that are gross that we. don't think of as being gross. >> Yes. >> Every once in a while, I mean, this. >> But I'm here to tell you. >> this this backhand grip jerk. >> Western grip is not gross. Insane. >> It's beautiful. >> It's beautiful. Okay. >> I like to take my sho. First of all, it's like a cross country flight. It was. like a. >> Don't mind the shoes off. So, I got to. go shoes off. Great. Don't mind. >> Clean feet, clean socks. >> Was that for circulation? Like, what is.

that? just just comfort comfort. >> shoes and then you you kind of swell on. a plane a little bit. >> Like these I would easily take off and. leave them down. >> Slip them off and then it's like you got. to put bend up putting your shoes on. Of. course, I was in first class as you. heard, but it's it's hard to get the. room and you got to put them all the way. back and what So what's the worst case. now? I got some piss in my sock. >> Yes, >> I'VE HAD PISS. YEAH, BUT THEN YOU GOT TO. GO put them back in your shoe and then. you go home, you take your shoes off, you're walking around your house in your. socks and you got pissoot all over the. house now.

>> Well, this is the thing, people. I look. like I'm like presenting. >> Yeah. Yeah. >> I have the look of like a germ guy. But. I don't I don't care about germs. >> That's what shocked me about the. situation. Joe, >> I don't care about germs. >> I don't I would have thought if they. said like Joe's going to get up and go. to the bathroom, is he going to put his. shoes on or is he going to go? I would. have bet my entire house that you would. have put your shoes on and gone to the. bathroom. >> Straight to the bathroom. It wasn't on. the floor. >> See, I have I have OCD that makes me. want to punch people while I'm walking. by them. I don't wash my hands. I mean, I wash my hands if I [ __ ].

>> but like I'll get off the subway and go. eat a cheeseburger and not really. >> and not wash your hands, play. basketball, and then go out and eat. pizza. >> Yeah, >> cuz I'm not a [ __ ] nerd. >> Piss on the socks is like, hey, >> I know. I just was really What's your. >> reusing? I got [ __ ] for reusing a tissue. where I like blew my nose and put it in. my pocket for later if I could use it. again. >> Oh, that's not gross. >> I had someone like. >> that's your Yeah. >> So, >> how do you feel about the socks in the. bathroom? >> If you pissed on totally unaffected you. would I in the middle you would do that? >> Yeah. I wouldn't bother me but the Yeah,

that wouldn't pee. I have zero fear of. pee by the way. >> I'm also thinking of snot come whatever. else people are doing. I know people. that jerk off on planes. You're not. getting in that little toilet. I'm Both. of us are guilty of it. You've never. jerked off on a plane? >> I have. >> Yes. >> I have PEOPLE. >> I WANTED TO BE THE LAST ONE TO SAY it. though. >> Well, do you want to hear the story? >> I got it on good faith that people jerk. off on those things. >> I've heard under Yeah. >> I have a I have a story about jerking. off on a plane. I've told this on. podcasts, but I I went in and jerked off. just, you know, I was whatever. I was.

horny and young and ambitious. >> Oh, it was you're up in the air. >> Yeah. So, I had I went and jerked off. and I swear to God, this is true. I I. came out of the bathroom. I just. finished jerking off and you you got to. jerk off fast enough that it could be a. [ __ ] [ __ ] Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I come. out and the flight attendant I started. she goes, "Hey, what were you doing in. there?" No way. >> And I was like, "What? >> What?". >> And she's like, "You didn't see the. sign?" And it was like an out of order. and somehow I missed it. >> Oh my. >> So I went in there and I was in there. for like a length of time. >> And I swear to God she went and looked.

at the toilet cuz it's not working. >> Yes. >> And there's nothing in there. But I had. been in there for like. >> Where was it to come? in the in the. trash. Like I did a tissue and then put. it in the trash. But it was like the. most my heart has ever raised. >> You got to be like plucking my eyebrows. >> I don't like what were you doing? >> Bleaching my [ __ ] Like oh my god. >> She like I tried to take a poop. It. wouldn't come out. And it was like early. on the flight. >> Oh no. >> At least you didn't answer right away. Like I was using the restroom going to. the bath number two and she's like how.

could you? It's out of. >> Oh my god. >> Or I could have been like I jerked off. >> I was looking at you. It's not illegal, by the way. >> No, it was horrible. And another time. after last comic stand in 2010, I jerked. off and that came out and Mike Veion was. the guy waiting. So that was. uncomfortable. I was like, "Oh, hey." So. that was like all of us on a flight. >> He sat down on an ice cold. >> and he knew, dude. [ __ ]. >> He know he knew. >> He's probably next. >> Damn, dude. >> That's cold. >> But in your 20s, early 30, I mean, I. just have to jerk off.

>> Well, then great. You're proving my. point going back to my original argument. that you should not be walking into the. bathroom with socks on. >> But I don't come on the floor. Western would do it. >> I go western grip. I'm going down there. splattering everywhere, man. You know, especially turbulence. You're going to. Yeah, I'm out of control. >> We're in a in a chaotic environment. >> I need the turbulence to come. I can't. >> give me a little bounce, a little shake. to get my prostate nerves nerves. Give. me a full full jerk. Well, also just. learned on the plane that like they.

can't stop you from going to the. bathroom at any time. So, like I used to. ask. >> they can't they tell like when you're. landing and taking off. >> You can you can get up. They can't stop. you from they can just suggest that you. don't get up. But if you got to pee, you. can pee no matter what. >> Oh, really? I I've had people be like, "We're going to turn the plane around if. you not turn the plane." No, no, no. >> I mean like pilot. pilot's going to reach back and hit you. >> I'll tell you what. I'LL [ __ ] TURN. THIS THING AROUND. Everybody sit down. I. told you to hold it. Listen. No. When. you get up and when they're taxiing out,

right? When they're going like, "We're. going to the runway." If you get up and. go to the bathroom, they'll be like, "Well, they'll we're going to pull off. to the side.". >> They just passive aggressively like, "Please, as a reminder to sit down.". >> Oh, really? >> Maybe if you're t before taxing, I think. I think like before they're going to. take off pull off to the side of the. road. >> True. Once you take off though, you do. literally whatever you want. >> But it would be hard to prove it. Like. I'm sure the the pilots have orders to. like, "Hey, don't." But no one's like. [ __ ] looking in. >> Yeah. I mean, they're I hope you're. looking forward. You're not like, you.

know, all looking in the rearview. mirror. But yeah, they I guess they're. supposed to not take off if everyone's. not seated. >> True. Yeah. But once they're up, my I. thought you had to wait for the thing to. go ding and then you can get up and go. to the bathroom. You can just as soon as. you're in the air, you can just get up. and go to the bathroom and the flight. attendants will be like kind of look at. you and you're like, I have to go. >> I Oh, go ahead. No, I've seen an old man. like run as soon as it took like we were. totally ascending and he like went. running up. >> and I felt like everyone was like this. is this guy's going to [ __ ] his p he's. old but I saw the um flight attendant. who was still buckled in be like oh sir.

>> and then they just let that thing but. yeah they can't [ __ ]. >> I thought about I threw up I was I felt. sick one time I was like oh we're going. to and it was you know it was still seat. belts buckled. >> and I threw up into the bag into my own. little like you know personal bag rather. than getting up and going to the. bathroom cuz I was like, I don't want to. get in trouble. >> It's also a small and if they stop me, I'm going to barf on them. >> Was it like the paper bag or. >> Yeah, was that was it was the vomit bag. >> Small for vomiting. >> It I knew I wasn't giving like a huge I. knew I had eaten like a [ __ ]. lemonade. It was like a 6:00 a.m. in the.

morning flight. It was like gurgling. around my stomach. I drank a lemonade. I. know. Quote unquote little piss for. breakfast. That's little croissant and. lemonade. And I barfed it up on the. [ __ ] on the I don't know. It just. didn't sit right. And I Yeah. But it was. like on the takeoff on the way up and. I'm like I want to run to the bathroom. and just do it there. But. >> you can now you know. >> I now I know. Yeah. I didn't do it cuz. like I thought they were going to arrest. me. >> Especially with little kids. I have. little kids and like I got to pee now. and I'm like [ __ ] They have like a. twominute time window. >> Yep.

>> So I'll just take them there. They're. like sir. And it's like hey. >> hey. >> come on. >> Yep. Were you traveling a lot when you. potty trained? Cuz it feels like that's. going to be hard. Oh yeah. He's going to. potty train and then you're like, just. >> huge huge setback too cuz we uh my one. my oldest kid was potty trained pretty. much and then we went to the airport and. that automatic flusher was just like. >> and then it just it like reverted her. all the way back. >> We potty trained in like a like a week. or two at my house like we had week or. two off. It was like I remember we just. did it like. >> you walked around and just your he just. would wear no diapers or whatever.

>> That's what they say. Yeah. And then. just like when you got to go sometimes. there were accidents like a dog but you. know like most times they make it to the. toilet and that was it. But. >> cuz my son's nine and we just cannot. figure that out. >> You can't break him in like I can't get. it together. We can't find the time. >> He's a mess. It's. >> Daddy's on the road. I don't have time. to teach you guys. >> We I remember hearing about that like oh. my wife would always be like we just. spend the whole weekend. We'll stay. here. We'll take their. >> wife. >> I'm never going to do we're not doing. that. >> Yeah we did that. It was great. It. worked out. My second son not so much. He would just Yeah. It was like a month.

and a half of him being like, "I [ __ ] in. my pants." And you're like, "You you did. it on purpose.". >> Yeah. Boys are harder to potty train. for. >> Yeah. Cuz they're lazy, dude. My son was. like, "Why am I going to get up?". >> Yeah. Why do I care? >> I'll just [ __ ] in this diaper that you. gave me. >> Yeah. And then you wipe and then you're. going to wipe my ass. And like really, I'm going to keep that going till like. >> Yeah. >> It get becomes a huge problem. >> Yeah. Letting letting your kid wipe. their own ass is like I'm still my I. have like a three and a 5-year-old. I'm. still like, "Are you sure you did that. right?" like easy. >> I never went and was like here's how you.

do it or any of that stuff. I was just. assuming like no rash is coming back my. way, no problems being sent up the. chain, >> you know, like that way I just know. >> That's what happened to me. But my ass. was a disaster until I was like 30. I. had no idea. No one ever taught me. So I. like actually have been teaching my kids. like you just wipe and then when you. don't see any more paper, you don't see. anything else on the paper, just do it. one more time to see. >> No one taught me how to wipe my ass. >> No one ever does. My wife taught me how. to lean my ass in the shower with a rag. because I used to I used to just lean. forward and kind of like I'm still doing. that.

>> Wait, that's how I do it. Yeah. I spread. the cheeks and I let it get in there. If. I don't have a removable shower head, my. [ __ ] was never properly clean. >> I I I was just completely It was. disgusting. And then one day she's like, "You got to actually like wipe." So I. got a rag and I wiped in the shower and. I was It was just. >> disgusting. She like, "Let me see it." I. was like, "Dude, >> let me see it.". >> She wanted to make sure I didn't lose. you, dude. Wow. God almighty. >> She still will get me with that every. now and again. I'll be in the shower and. I'll wipe my ass with a rag and she'll. like peer. We have like a little half. ball. She'll peer over. I'm like, "Bro, relax, man.

>> Damn. >> You don't want to see this.". >> Wow. >> It's kind of a [ __ ] up Yeah. >> That's so sweet. You guys are showering. together. >> Yeah. >> Well, she'll see me. She brushes her. teeth right next to where I shower. >> So, >> I I I go in the bathroom with my wife's. in the morning when she's showering. every day. >> Do you? >> Yeah. It's like my favorite It's the. best part of the day. >> What do you do? Just go up there and. fire? >> I creep. I [ __ ] I I toilet gnome her. I just sit there on the toilet and I. just sit there. You know, >> I had a joke about this years ago where. like when my wife showers, I love to be. like this. But never once has she been.

like, "Let me get some of that." She's. never like. >> there's no reciprocation at all. No. I. come out of like I I'm like a naked. person. I'll walk around naked. She's. like puts a robe on right away, but like. I'll shower. I'll walk She'll be in the. bedroom. I'll walk past her like n like. [ __ ] she just won't even get off. She. won't even look off the phone. >> Yeah, man. And I'm like, this is I'm. presenting right now. I'm peacocking. You know who excited by that? >> A kid padonic treadmill. You gota.

>> you got to keep upping it. >> Yeah. The uh. >> I don't feel that way. >> Have you ever confronted? >> Just kidding. >> Have you ever confronted your wife for. her phone usage? Been like, "You use it. too much?". >> Passive aggressively. Yeah. >> Yeah. I do it all the time. >> Yeah. >> Doesn't get a good reaction. >> I go, "Can you just please put that. thing down and just hang out with us?". >> They don't like that. >> Yeah. because you're like because she's. mostly in charge of everything that goes. on in the house. >> So it's almost like you're like you. going to take you like you taking a. break. What are you you don't have time to lean.

no time to clean? Like what are you. doing right now? Get off that phone. Even if it's just hanging out with us. That's like. >> Yep. >> laborious to her, you know? Like she's. like God almighty. You know what that. word means, Joe? >> No. But I was I I could You clocked. that. I was like, "Huh?" Yeah. I don't. appreciate being called out. You know, laborious. >> Laborious. >> Yeah. Break it down. >> Boring. >> No. Labor. >> Labor. >> Labor. >> It's like work. >> It's like I saw the spelling. I thought. work for her to hang out with us.

>> She's not It's not fun for her to hang. out with us. >> It's boys. It's boy time. >> Yeah. But like she Yeah. >> Yeah. >> She might ever be on the phone. They. don't like it. >> No. I At least I have the I'll fake. [ __ ] I'll go on my I'll take a [ __ ] and. just like a job and I'll go on my phone. >> Yeah. Sarah a lot. >> Yeah. But she has to she like she could. be like I'm working or doing something. >> I mean she could say that but yeah it's. a lot of I mean we have the same job. >> Yeah. >> That's true. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. >> No, she's on her phone a lot. But you.

know I get it. It's Especially now with. a 2-year-old. It's like when you. sometimes you if they go nap or they go. you just want some kind of like. >> Yep. Whatever. Have you ever gotten a. communication via an Instagram reel from. your wife where it's like, "Here's. something I'd like you to kind of focus. on or work on.". >> Oh, >> yeah. Yes. Those that's the most passive. aggressive way you can tell someone that. you're not as good as they want you to. be. >> You know, they're just like, "Here's a. real about like like I'll get reals. about like like what you're supposed to.

say after a game.". >> Yeah. >> You know, like cuz sometimes I'm just a. little bit like, "Hey dude, like where. were you today?". >> Mhm. >> You know, what was going on today? Yeah. She's just like, you know, I'll then. I'll get a video of like it'll be like. the music from Moneyball. Like the dad's just like, "Listen, son, you're the greatest it's ever been." You. know, I'm like, "I understand the point, but like you can't I you know, I'm not. perfect.". >> Yeah. No, I know. I I'll get them every. now and again where it's like it'll be. like a lady like, "My anxiety spikes. when I see coffee cups on the counter,

blah blah blah." And like a deep. explanation of it. I'm like, "All right, I'll [ __ ] put my cup in the sink.". You could have. >> Yeah, I would rather just communicate. that. Nah, if she says it to me, I'm. like, "Oh my god, shut up, dude.". >> Yeah, it's a good point. >> I've been I had karma backfire. I We. would We've been sending videos of. people falling all winter long because. New York, we've had like the worst. winter. So, it's like just video after. video of people falling. >> and laughing and like the great and then. the other day I'm at the gas station. just pulled in with her car. >> to fill it up like a nice husband.

>> Get out of the g and like not even. thinking, dude. It's not snowing. It's. barely cold. I put my feet down on the. ground and they just I my feet go out. from underneath me and I'm like and I'm. just I'm every while I'm like sideways. every video that I've watched and. laughed at is going through my [ __ ]. head and the and people I hit the ground. so HARD I WAS LIKE OH NO. >> AND THE [ __ ] guy comes OUT. HE'S LIKE. ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? AND THE LADY over here she's still.

pumping her gas. She goes he's all. right. He didn't hit his head or. anything like that. She's answering for. me. I'm on the ground. I'm like, and I'm. thinking to myself, I'm like, dude, I. haven't fallen. Like, I went to the doctor in January. My doctor's like, he's going over all. stuff. He goes, "Hey, have you fallen. recently?" And I was like, "What? No, dude. Like, I'm not a [ __ ] loser. What are you talking about? Who falls? Like, I'm not 11." And then I thought. about it. I'm like, I this is what he. like I'm the age of falling now. Like, just random falling. >> And it [ __ ] killed.

>> I feel like if you're if you're an adult. and you fall, you should have to go to. jail for like 2 hours. >> Yeah. just for two hours just like cool. down. I don't know what it is, but like. I fell the other night. I was naked. coming from the bathroom back to my bed. and it was dark and I tripped over a. suitcase and just flat onto my belly. >> all the way to the ground naked. >> All the way to the ground and laid there. and I was like, I shouldn't be in. society right now. I should be naked. >> I can be taken from society for like a. day. >> Yeah, >> it was humiliating. >> That is humiliating. hit my toe. I WAS. LIKE, "FUCK.". >> YEAH. AND FROM DUBBING your toe, but.

then losing all of it and going all the. way like your dick hit the ground like. squishy on the ground. >> Mine was all right. Mine was it was. hanging. It was like It was like Mission. Impossible was. >> Wow. the floor. >> That's crazy, dude. >> Yeah. But you have so many thoughts as. you're going to the ground. Like I'm one. of these and I know this is on video. We're at a gas station. >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. >> We're at a gas station. >> Laair has a nasty spill. It's on camera. Oh, really? >> It might be. >> Was it a slip and fall, La Mer Mer?

>> It was a drunk. It was more of a bruised. tumble. >> Damn. >> It was a drunk fall. >> Damn, dude. >> It was. >> Yeah. No, it's painful for the ego. It's. painful. Like my hip is killing me. >> Yeah. >> I landed on my. >> head sucks. That That hurts. >> Yeah. Hard. >> Did you No. Did you go home and tell. your wife about it when you. >> Oh, right away. Cuz I'm like I got to. tell her before I This could be. America's Funniest Home Videos on Sunday. for all I know. You like I could be I. got to let her know. I can't be the last. person to let her know that this could. this happened. >> And plus, I love to complain. I'm like,

you're never g cuz right away I turned. to that guy. I'm like, you gotta ice. this, man. I mean, you got to salt this. area, dude. Are you crazy? Of. >> course. What if I WAS AN OLD LADY? I. MIGHT DIE. >> I'M LIKE, YOU BROKE MY STREAK TODAY, DUDE. I haven't fallen in 11 years. >> Head about falling. I got. >> for you. We got We got Yeah. >> I'm telling you, Joe, I don't know. I. mean, walking around the streets in New. York, how do you not like slip and fall. all the time? Well, I had a horrible. incident years ago. The movie Gone Girl. came out. I don't know what year that. was. Maybe it was 10 years ago or. something like that. And my wife and I.

went and start like it was like the. first we both had read the book and. loved it. So, we were like, "All right, here we go.". >> And it was sold out. It was like when. movies would sell out. >> and I went to piss or whatever. We were. sitting in the middle and I was coming. back in and somehow I just tripped on. someone's foot or leg and I couldn't. recover and I touched every single part. I was like, "Go go." Like I was full. Kramer. Like I spun and then tripped. over the next person. >> and I just AND EVERYONE WAS LIKE GO. >> LIKE FINALLY like rolled into my seat. Like you couldn't have blocked it out.

better for a movie. >> It's like impromptu parkour. You're like. all of a sudden you're like finding the. I'll find the next step when I have to. >> It was horrible. And like you can hear. the buzz like down the road being like. this [ __ ]. >> And my wife was like dying laughing like. cry. She still it's like the funniest. thing ever to her but it was. humiliating. >> I stepped on every foot, touched every. [ __ ] dick. It was crazy. My aunt was. on riding the city bus one time. She's a. big lady and she's not she's not like uh. >> she's not confrontational at all, but. she was standing up the bus driver. She.

goes the bus driver took off way before. and she fell on this black lady and just. sat there and she goes and she stayed. She was so embarrassed. She just laid. there. She didn't try to get up. She. just laid to the next stop and the. lady's like, "You got to get off of me. What is wrong with you?" And she's. trying to push my aunt. And my aunt's. like, "This I can't yet. I have to wait. till the butt stops, dude." She just. continued to lay on this woman. >> Personal space not an issue. >> That's so [ __ ] funny. >> Yeah, dude. >> Of all the people to land lay on, dude. >> Just this woman is like she was like, "You got to get up." And she's like, "I.

can't. I have to wait till the bus. stops." Like a weeble wobble. She's just. laying on the [ __ ] lady's lap. >> Dude, >> this is that black lady going into work. and like you won't believe this. White. lady was laying on. >> I know. >> Goddamn white lady thought she could sit. on me. I got the. >> Oh, dude. Here's La Mer. Good job. Yes. >> Here we go. Oh, there's Gardini coming. in. >> Oh, no. Someone had a little edit. >> Oh, this is you, Gardini.

>> That is. yo. OH, WHOA. He land. >> Yeah, he owned it. Nice job, La Mer. Way. to own that. >> That's a 10.0 for the for the the. dismount right there, dude. >> What an edit. >> Way to stick the landing on that one. Beautiful. >> That was good stuff. >> Yep. Nice job, dude. No ice. Just. tripped over your own feet.

>> Nothing to blame. >> I was hurt for like a week. >> Yeah, dude. I'm telling you. >> Oh, there was also like a little. >> You did like a little hop up the curb, which is the best part. He did a little. like and then just. >> complet like I got this shimmy shake and. then boom straight to the ground. >> Well, that's the problem with the. future. There's no falling anonymously. No, that's what I'm saying. >> Anything that happens is. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. >> True. Everything we're uh we're living. in a panopticon. That's the term for. that. >> Panopticon. >> I find it laborious.

>> It's not easy. >> It's work. >> Well, god damn, dude. I think uh I think. we did it, man. You guys Thank you so. much for doing this. Yeah, no worries, man. This is great, dude. I had a blast. >> I mean, my legs hurt. >> I know. I can't wait to sit down. >> Hey, man. >> Go take a nap. >> We do it different down here. >> This is beautiful, though. Do you give. this away? >> Like, >> you can have it. Yeah, if you want it. >> It's awesome, man. >> I'll get another reprint. >> Yeah, why not? >> Is this a famous painting? >> Yeah, it's Yeah, it's one of them.

>> I don't know anything about art. I just. wanted like the weirdest. Yeah, like. that's. >> that's Jesus, I think. That's Yeah, that's a that's a Yeah, a dark rainbow. >> That one. I like that kind of stuff. >> Yeah. >> So, >> what's this? Sitine chapel. >> You know, I I don't know [ __ ] about art. I don't know something. >> There's a lot of naked kids in this. [ __ ] one back here. >> Saying, dude, >> they're all the rage right now. >> Yeah, why not? >> I'm trying to keep up with, you know, the biz.

>> I think we solved a lot of issues. Oh, are we still on? I'm not looking at my. phone. >> What do you guys have anything you want. to promote? Oh. Uh, yeah. Steve ran. easy.com. Standupdates. I'll be in, uh, I'm going to, um, Key West Comedy Club. in April. I'll be in, uh, Backroom. Comedy Club in Toronto next month. >> Yeah. Check it out. >> Yeah. Yeah. I'm doing a big, uh, UK, Ireland thing. Belfast, Dublin, London, adding a show. Uh, Glasgow and Bristol. >> Hell yeah. >> Bristol. >> Yeah. >> Connecticut. >> No.

>> Pennsylvania. >> How about, Ireland, and Bristol, Connecticut? Glasgow, Bristol, Connecticut. >> Weird routing, but yeah. And uh I don't. know. Yeah. Punchuplive.com. You talked. about I got a movie on there. All that. stuff. Specials on YouTube. >> Fourth of July is great. You should see. that. >> Peep it out. >> All right. >> Thank you guys. >> Awesome. >> Great. >> Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane. Secret podcast on Spotify. >> Do it.