Ep 535 - Soft Girls (feat. Sam Morril)

wow wow West hey we're live what's up. everybody samel thank you for coming. dude thanks for having me man I I mean I. I hate to dig into what we were just. saying but you're absolutely right the. headset that was one of the funniest. things I've ever heard oh sh why did I. burn it off air it was the funny just. saying what everyone says now you show. up they're like save it save it for the. Pod but yeah Sam was looking at my. headset he said that uh just when you. see a comedian with a headset on stage. you know a molestation story is going. yeah it's going to get. serious that's the funny thing ever.

heard man it's always something dark. there was another guy in the '90s I. forgot his name but he was like the. first half was really funny and then he. was like anyway my dad was murdered. you're like what the [ __ ] but he had the. headset you knew something was coming it. is it does lend to like a gravitas. towards the whole thing yeah and here is. the secret to life pause we like a. self-help person where they're just like. doing this a lot that's where I got uh. remember you ever see vanilla Skies with. Tom Cruz yeah that's where this made me. laugh of him just being like you want to. get [ __ ] [ __ ] or. not thank you for coming dude [ __ ] I.

couldn't tell if that was a good movie. or not uh when they broke out in Singing. in the end it pissed me off Vanilla Sky. am I think no I'm thinking of not. Vanilla Sky uh mag Magnolia or something. yeah oh frog my bad think yes yes yeah. that was annoying that pissed me off it. was like a really good movie till then. started it was awesome and then it just. ended pointlessly with him singing and I. was like this is [ __ ] piss me off. yeah bull yeah dude thanks for coming. man thanks for having me dude this is. I'm I'm happy to be here dude it's funny. the first time I ever saw you I was a a.

pup in comedy I was a young pup and my. friend Chris o Conor was like dude samel. is going it was in Philly you were doing. some show I forget where it was we just. watched and we're like you know when you. just start and you see a guy who like. actually can do it and you're just like. oh [ __ ] dude where was it it's in Philly. I forget some theater it was like a it's. like a not a it was like a it was like a. a theater but it wasn't like a it was. like a like a blackbox type thing yes I. did a lot of those in Philly cuz they. were easy you know easy to get to train. is like 90 minutes people don't know. it's like right there but yeah that was. that was was a young comedy pup and.

we're going whoa dude that's so [ __ ]. cool dude he has a whole [ __ ] hour. this is crazy five minutes we're like oh. dude that's so [ __ ] cool and then. like if I look back at that hour I'd be. like oh I [ __ ] suck that's how it. works you know you feel good about it. for a minute and then but then I I don't. like my new stuff either it's like you. know yeah it's tough like how do you. feel about your stuff uh I I go back and. forth sometimes I'm like like the hour. I'm doing now I'll be like this is great. and then I'll like there's like chunks. of it where I'm like this [ __ ] sucks. I need to cut this all out but I just I.

get to the point where I just want to be. done with it I'm like I all right this. is it is what it is I want to like. release this and just go on coming up. with something else I know it's it's. amazing how quickly it's like it's like. just a new relationship and like the at. first you're like oh my God this is. amazing and then a few months in you're. like what am I doing I know what the. [ __ ] am I talking about yeah I'll like. I'll like laugh I'll not even laugh I'll. be like as I there's like certain things. I'll say from it in my head I'm like you. [ __ ] loser and I'm like all right. come on man come on let's get through. the hour brother let's get through the. hour there's always that one chunk where. you're like [ __ ] why am I still do but. you know you doing it to cuz you you.

believe you're like it'll get better. yeah but you got you got to do it enough. that you hate it and then you're like. all right I'll write new stuff it's time. yeah it's time to chop this loose I'm. excited I'm going to try to do a special. some point and then uh in the spring. maybe and then just you're like one of. the few successful YouTube specials of. recent thank you yeah I feel like. there's not that had a moment and then. it was like it got oversaturated and you. I you are a few other people dude I. thought I was thinking for like maybe. 40,000 views so I was like I'll probably.

get 40,000 on it and then like I was. like I have to do a bunch of podcasts. promote it and then like the first week. I was like a sweet I don't have to do. anything just going to sit back and. chill I know that is that is the dream. to be like no press yeah you know it's I. I I thought I was going to have to do it. all and you know you know whatever but I. always say people always people ask me. they be like like what should I do for. like you know like my podcast I'm like. dude here's what you got to do I was. like just get a co-host to become. supremely famous and I was like that'll. work for sure that's that's what you you. got to be like like an agent now you're.

like I think that guy's got the goods. right there yeah true but yeah people. it's funny when they they always get. like really disheartened when I'm like I. I don't know what the [ __ ] to tell you. man I'm like you just find someone who's. Super Famous you're you're holding up. your end though yeah well thank you man. yeah thank you but yeah it is uh I don't. know man it's just the people get people. get spun out man entertainment is the. only thing only like job I've ever seen. where people make like as much as a. doctor and they're like I'm a [ __ ]. loser you're like dude you're killing it. man yeah but if you saw other doctors.

like performing an operation you're like. that guy's getting more likes than me on. his on his operation true you feel like. it there is that thing about like and. also like we we do badly more than like. a doctor's like I'm sure they [ __ ] up. sometimes but like I've had like three. bombs in a row if a doctor [ __ ] up. three times in a row I'm like you got to. get out just coming home like I [ __ ]. bombed on that brain surgery dead it was. an easy one they were good he was good. and I the other doctor went on he.

crushed and I came on and just killed. the guy true that's a fair point yeah. they don't have to deal with metrics I. think just the comparing we always. compare and like it's different than it. used to be like you know back in the day. you'd be trying to get something on. Comedy Central and there'd be like one. spot you're like this is the this is the. white dude spot if I don't get this I. suck and you're like [ __ ] then I'm on a. lineup with like Norman Dan soda Phil. Hanley all these like killer New York. Comics you know Joe list and uh but you. now it's like it's kind of wide open.

yeah no it's true yeah it does and it. sucks too cuz I will say in comedy the. product is your like personality so. people like yeah not for me you're like. [ __ ] you dude it's not like you're just. selling Insurance like I don't really. need that right now it's like yeah I saw. you I'm good on you and you're like [ __ ]. yeah that's not my ACT that's me they. said my name that's when it would hurt. when you're like they don't just like. dislike you especially when he's told. like I don't just dislike his act I. don't like him yeah I hate that guy yeah. he sucks yeah it's it's a weird uh I.

don't know it is I it is funny people. like talking about like the internet. comments is always kind of people always. like uh but it is an interesting thing. because you you you do have to deal with. like like the way you're I don't know. how to put it but it's the way like your. body has like cells there's just like a. million comments about you and you can. start getting into them and it is I. don't know I think it is funny it's a. fun thing to like I used to get real. whacked out I'd read them like just like. [ __ ] this guy [ __ ] who the [ __ ] is this. guy now I'm like you never can tell cuz. sometimes it'll be something that is.

accurate and you're like [ __ ] that's. actually true and that's painful to. realize then it's like you get like you. suck I love you then you get like. opposing views that you have to somehow. just choose like which one do I actually. believe I know you're like [ __ ] I am a. dumbass with one eyebrow he nailed it. [ __ ] every once in a while yeah but you. know you if you believe the good stuff. then you're crazy too I know that's a. problem that's a problem dude I don't. believe any of it I just wait till I. find something negative and I feel the. sting of that I go that's enough for. today and I just go about my day go [ __ ].

you got to also I mean I know Comics who. are like I remember a comic friend of. mine got this like great write up in the. New York Times and I called him like. dude this is amazing and he was just. like nah they're gonna this is like. right before they turn on me like he. couldn't enjoy it at all he was like nah. they're gonna [ __ ] this is like. they're they're calling me great so it's. like people going to [ __ ] be like. this guy sucks yeah or they're going to. dig out some skeleton from my past. that'd be yeah I don't think this guy. has any skeletons I think he's like. pretty well like this guy but he just. like yeah I don't know damn dude dude I.

was uh I did want to talk to you about. this I so you know about the Diddy stuff. obviously sure every was there it was. great he sucked my dick was awesome do. you so he Diddy's now crying um that. it's unfair that the owner of abber. chombi is not getting as much he's out. on bail while Diddy is not out on bail. and he apparently I didn't get a time I. didn't get enough time to look into it. like the details of it but he was. apparently running like a sex. trafficking thing in the I mean you can. tell by the stores right dude what I'm. saying you just walked in there you're.

like this should not be okay right these. poor damn employees well they used to. have teenage shirtless teenage boys. outside of their store while running a I. think it was primarily a gay sex. trafficking ring yeah which is crazy. dude in the open Bas I mean I I I. remember walking in there and being like. uncomfortable and having to leave yeah. dude I remember my I like high school. girlfriends be like what's going to eomi. and I like walk past like a [ __ ] hot. dude with his shirt off you'd be like. [ __ ] you dude walking like I'm not. buying any the [ __ ] it was like we were. so mean to them but like looking back.

that dude was probably getting railed. yeah so we like we were in the wrong I. thought they were getting a ton of [ __ ]. turns out yeah they were just like. blowing old men they were the [ __ ] they. were the [ __ ] but yeah it was crazy. that guy has apparently running he was. running a thing like Diddy where it's. like all kinds of crazy manipulation and. deception and sex trafficking and. whatever but that's the way to do it if. you're doing that cuz you're like well. this is so out in the open you think I. would just flaunted if I were actually. do true but then you he was cuz Diddy. was more like it was more like a VI IP. Vibe like you're only you know yeah and.

you know of course someone with all. these. celebrities you wouldn't be doing. something like this it would the word. would get out yeah true but you know I. don't I don't know how it works if they. had like ndas or something there I think. they just try to get dirt on you I think. that the deal is you try to get dirt on. them first and then you like real I. don't know cuz that is I'd be so nervous. imagine if you were running like a sex. trafficing like you were Dr imagine if. last night you just drug I'm already. stressed I can't imagine I'm already. [ __ ] I feel like [ __ ] I'm on the road I.

can't imagine like that guilt level. where you're just like [ __ ] I have a sex. traffick in ring you like yeah GHB the. guy opening for you you [ __ ] him and. then you [ __ ] like four ladies and you. just woke up and like I got to do a. meeting for my [ __ ]. Vodka it's crazy damn yeah what's going. to happen to sarak I think someone else. bought it ah yeah I think someone else. is it tainted though cuz I did think of. Diddy when I think of it yeah that's. what I would think I would drink Sak and. have a good time thinking about Diddy. having fun times but now I'm just like. but no I think uh I think they some.

people try to say that that was the. whole thing to get him off of the board. because they're saying like there were. like liquor billionaires who didn't want. him he wasn't like playing ball it' be. like liquor Ticket Master being like. you're not playing ball and they're. they're trying to claim you're not. playing ball you have a sex traffic in. ring back in the day in like Hollywood. they would have morality Clauses in the. contracts for like these young starlets. so they'd be like you know a young. actress would be like [ __ ] a married. guy and they'd be like n you got to you. got to shut that down we invested at you. here at MGM or whatever yeah so you know.

it's like it's really funny how you know. back then it was like don't infidelity. is bad now it's like don't [ __ ] kids. yeah don't please it's you know it's. changed that does ruin it does ruin a. brand the Catholic church was the only. institution that was like their. adherence were like come on it's a. branding error I every big company has. some bad. guys. Subway it's lost some luster it has and. they could have gone with that Klay. Henry guy remember Klay Henry back in. the day no who was that he was the other.

one it was like Jared and Klay Henry. they brought in like a a 1B character. like he got real big on Burgers and. Fries but now he's down to a smaller. size brought another guy in yeah he was. a fireman too like he could have made. them he could have made him look good. loved his wife he was probably a good. guy but then yeah they went Jared and. look we can't deny Jared had an impact. that's he had the sauce in the story of. just walking and eating he like I walked. to to Subway and I and I ate sandwiches. and I lost and you're like that's it's. not true but we all bought it cuz we.

idiots I I when he pulls those pants out. you're like who can argue with that that. guy's pants were so much bigger he was. just circling school zones sharp D. that's what he lost the weight just. getting his cardio in going from one. from one kindergarten to the other did. you see the documentary about him I. haven't is it good it is it's amazing I. got to watch it it is uh dude he was way. more Sinister than you think like he. apparently so the reason the whole story. broke he went to a school assembly he. was going to assemblies in schools and.

like at the height of his you know prime. or whatever and he would talk to kids. like he's Barry Sanders and his prime. but he he was in the school auditorium. and he was with a lady who like was like. the local news lady and they did like a. little speech he was like kids you got. to eat healthy blah blah blah and she. was doing her thing and then he went and. sat down he goes God damn it I'd love to. [ __ ] one of these kids just to the lady. and she was like what what this is all. according to her she was the one who. broke the story and then so she that was. a heat check moment for him true he was.

like man I'm getting away with this for. so long let me see let me see cuz that's. what they do they like try it's like. serial killer [ __ ] where they're like. they'll go back to the scene of the. crime it's like that Cockiness yeah of. getting away with it I mean dude yes for. sure or but it was like it's such a. weird thing to do because then I guess. he was putting a feeler out for her. because then she this is where it's kind. of suspect for her but she was like she. was a you know journalist so she's like. I want to kind of get this is a huge. story if this guy potentially really. wants to [ __ ] kids or if he's just like. [ __ ] around and is the funniest guy. ever to like just stepped down like I.

don't want to [ __ ] one of these kids but. then she started like pretending to be. his girlfriend and they just drew to get. stuff out of him get stuff out of him. and I don't think she ever said she had. sex with him but she would be like they. would have like phone sex where she'd be. like what were you talking about and he. was like I just think I want to [ __ ] you. and he like admitted to doing it and. like the his manager and him were. [ __ ] kid like and then like it all. culminates and she's having imagine. finding you have that in common with. your manager that's such a weird cuz I. was like my my agent's a Nicks fan but.

like I mean you're like you're into that. that's [ __ ] great yeah there it's a. funny Icebreaker to like see kids like. man kids man they say the funniest. things you see the switch on that kid. actually y bro I was actually going to. bring it up you do really have to ease. into that like that's a good-looking kid. kid's cute yeah if you were into that. kid really cute you're like I think that. kid's really cute too eventually you're. like I'm so glad we met. we should hang yeah but dude she it all.

culminates in she has a birthday party. for her own kids and uses them as bait. yeah and is like he's like she's like my. kid's coming I'm so into this oh my God. I want and he's like I'm gonna come [ __ ]. your kid at the birthday party she's. like sweet perfect and she's working. with so she has a kid yes I think she. had like two and she was using them as. bait and she even went to the he was. using her for these kids work both ways. she always quit Pro yeah but he uh but. she like went to the FBI like dude I. have this guy on tape saying he [ __ ]. kids and they're like you're not that's.

illegal you're not allowed to record him. like that and that's why they set up the. birthday party and she had like a wire. on and everything she's like he was like. basically wanted a kid which is. monstrous on the kid's birthday to be. like I'm going to come to his birthday. party after he opens his presents and. I'm going to smash and it was like damn. bro that is a bad birthday that is a bad. birthday that's a bad man and then uh. damn but yeah eventually like he kind of. gets cold feet but then they get him. anyway he like cops the crime he like. dude he was a monster dude crazy yeah he. was that bad.

and he claimed it was because he lost so. much weight that then his appetite for. food just like transferred to kids. that's what that was his claim he was. like it's not my fault when you lose. weight like I did you become hypersexual. and he's like I just wanted to start. [ __ ] kids like damn so Subway really. is bad yeah Subway I mean you're like. yeah he should have been blaming on the. hogies like [ __ ] hogies dude I never. wanted to [ __ ] bread dude bread [ __ ]. me that's not real bread I I knew sub. was going to be trusted when they. claimed that was avocado dude true.

that's not avocado yeah it made me want. to [ __ ] yeah but dude he got uh yeah he. I like explained that documentary at. like a five like someone brought it up. like jokingly I'm like you know the real. story I gave like they were like. people's lives like dude please stop I. don't want to talk about this kid. getting just batten down at his birthday. party it is tough when you bring that to. you got to you got to know the audience. for that I know I I it was like a nice. campfire setting we're all sitting. around people were having like sangria. and I was you know he was going to [ __ ]. a kid at his birthday party they're like. all right that's enough of that I was.

like I'm sorry but it's tough because. it's been pushed into the mainstream. like it is a Netflix thing or HBO. whatever yeah and uh so it is tough when. you're like you know you're just hanging. out at like a nice little party you got. a skewer in your hand you're like. champan Ramsey you see that it's crazy. yeah true yeah it has been pushed in. like the heinous murders are they're. like great that stuff never ends heinous. murder footage is like people love that. it's endless I mean the the the CEO from. uh [ __ ] uh United Healthcare you saw. that yesterday what happened with that I.

mean a guy with a silencer talk about. bad branding they got him in Starbucks. right before what yeah he's have they. got him on camera and Starbucks ordering. a coffee yeah true what'd he get I don't. know definitely not tea yeah no no not a. tea drinker that's you need some. caffeine to pull out an execution yeah. he it's like a caramel macchiato well. maybe a refresher maybe got like a. watermelon Citrus refresher just carried. out a did he went to Starbucks before he. murdered him yeah that's run with that. if you're Duncan true wrun with that. story like we hey we don't we don't sell.

[ __ ] to guys like that we don't like. that that's bad stuff that would be. funny just call like murder juice get. your murder you don't sell murder well. they had the murder ball remember or the. medicine ball I'm [ __ ] it up that was. by the way we're such idiots we like. it's a secret menu thing the medicine. ball when you're sick it's just sugar. it's just like probably awful for you. when you're sick but it's like tart. enough that you're like ah it's helping. my throat wait Starbucks has a secret. medicinal beverage yeah it's called the. medicine is it in the medicine ball they. don't call it that anymore what do they.

call now something herbal something but. it's just like lemonade and a shitload. of honey and it's probably just an. insane amount of sugar and you think. it's helping because of all the honey. but it doesn't do [ __ ] yeah I'm going to. go I'm going to go puke on a Starbucks. counter like I need I need the. B it's uh yeah that's you got to be. pissed if you're if you're if you're. Howard schults bad for Starbucks I mean. they definitely they had their C they. had their Scandal I think like three. years ago they like kicked black guy out. of there o yeah Starbucks the employee.

kicked the black he wasn't even buy. anything he was having a business. meeting talking business and they. [ __ ] they K but they never kick. anyone it's I know it was pretty nuts. that feels personal it does feel. personal I I go in there all the time to. pee and I don't get anything D I'm in. there you're in there trying to sign. someone up to a pyramid scheme they get. the [ __ ] out Fu let me tell you about a. business opportunity and they [ __ ]. kicked him out and it was like a huge. deal it was in Philly damn that. Starbucks came under massive fire and. they had to come out and like you know. the CEO has to come out be like we don't. we don't like that at all it's so stupid. too because they would do they did that.

thing years ago at Starbucks where. they're like let's have a talk about. race remember that ad campaign they did. and we're like what are you what are you. doing cuz they kicked out a black guy. they had to do it that's so stupid now. they have murderers yeah that's what. happens they're like oh they're kicking. out black guys I'm going to get a coffee. before I murder someone this is a. perfect place for me coffee does it. really is great drinking a coffee and. murdering somebody would be pretty sick. yeah I think it be pretty nice you like. heart rates pouncing as you go away. you're like God damn I shouldn't had. that second shot of Espress that was too. much that was way too much dude yeah I'm.

freaking out no I also I feel like just. murdering someone would wake you up. though true that would probably get your. heart rate up I also think you know uh I. was a little annoyed that New York's. getting bad PR though I told you New. York's dangerous I'm like oh we have to. answer for this [ __ ] psychopath yeah. I don't know where he's from yeah and. that's also not like you know that. that's like a weird highlevel Hitman. crime that's what they say but then it. doesn't look that professional cuz they. find him on camera and if you're a. highle Hitman you're not going to. Starbucks before true that's that's a.

weird move true Apple pay. right no yeah when I say high level I. mean just like killing a CEO is like a. high level murder like you would think. there was like some powerful interest. behind it or maybe it was just a psycho. attacking I don't even I didn't even. know that guy who knows I mean it could. be a guy who just got who's [ __ ] over. more than a health insurance company you. know I mean it's like I feel like that's. why Joker resonated with so many people. because in the beginning he's getting. [ __ ] over by his insurance so you're. like all right whatever he does is kind. of fun that's true no that's true you.

get a surgery the day before like you. like your thing lapses and like you got. to pay [ __ ] $90 million you're like. you [ __ ] we've all been on hold. with an insurance company like what the. [ __ ] like that's where you lose it true. cuz you know they always I mean also. it's like it's a tough I would that's a. job I would not want CEO you're making a. shitload of money at the expense of a. lot of people who are suffering yeah and. that's the whole point of insurance. you're taking in more money than you're. paying out you have to make you have to. try to pay out as little as possible and.

it does feel like they're trying to [ __ ]. you sometimes they are that's they have. to their whole thing has to be a lot of. those places are like they have like. research about this there's just like. 40% or whatever of people if you're just. like yeah sorry no they'll just be like. well I guess I'm [ __ ] then and then. there's like another percentage of. people who will actively follow up but. then you can be like well all right. we're going to sue you and like all I'm. not doing that so there's like only a. small percentage of people will like. know the steps to be like I got to get a. lawyer now like nobody thinks about that. or like can afford a lawyer ex and it's. exhausting they Tire you out if you're.

sick you don't want to deal with making. all these phone calls anyway I mean I I. think about all the time the ways they. they pretend they're hooking you up I. was at a dermatologist once and like you. know your insurance covers you like a. free chemical peel and I was like why. the [ __ ] would I want a chemical peel. and they're like well you get it for. free and I was like maybe I want one you. know I'll take that it's free but then. they didn't cover the [ __ ] medication. I needed what so it's like they they. cover [ __ ] you don't need it's like they. they know how to [ __ ] you is my point. yeah they do they're very good again. it's their whole it's the whole point of.

their operation is to take in more money. and pay out less and they're supposed to. pay you out if bad things happen but the. way they can make more money is to not. pay you out and then if you don't know. the steps it's like yeah that guy's. [ __ ] this feels political now we're. like standing back and we're just a. green I'm telling you we are right well. that's a great Point that's a great. point I actually agree with that we do. have to do something about these. healthcare companies true yeah that one. guy you know he did it not that much. that's too much that was too damn that. gu a silencer too is like it also makes. realized how desensitized that's pretty.

Pro Hitman dude Sil too but you could. just buy a silencer can you I I'm sure. somewhere in America you're telling me. you can't true true it's not that hard. to get a gun here I thought they're yeah. I guess so I guess silencers aren't that. illegal I I don't know I mean they have. to be illegal you can't wear a. bulletproof vest if you if a cop sees. you in a bulletproof vest you can get. like P they can stop you like what the. [ __ ] you I feel like if you're a CEO of. a health insurance company you should. get to wear a bulletproof vest for a. while like a little while that's how. they say that's the best way to get away. with killing somebody is opening the. door and as soon as they open it's blast. them and walk away cuz you don't enter.

the house you don't leave DNA evidence. but all the cities now are gritted with. cameras like you really can't do that. yeah it's weird like we're like close to. living in like a Minority Report type of. world where you know it's like how are. you it's amazing when people get away. with murder like that's why that John. Benet thing was so shocking you I was. like in my head I was like well I wonder. who did it I forgot they didn't solve it. oh yeah they didn't did they didn't. solve it it's it's so shocking you watch. Forensic Files I like the ones where. they solve it too I don't like the True. Crime where just like unsolved murders.

it's so unsatisfying like there's a. piece of [ __ ] who got away but then you. watch Forensic Files and they're like. thanks to DNA we caught this guy got him. every time yeah also too whenever I. watch that they don't catch the guy I'm. like he's definitely right outside my. house right now [ __ ] rape me and kill. me K me I used to watch those they'd be. marathoning them on the road on like. headline news and just be like 40. Forensic Files in the road I'd be. watching you know in some [ __ ] Motel. on the side of the highway just like. opening my like oh [ __ ] why am I doing. this to myself opening that dumb little. curtain you see meth heads H yeah I.

still get scared I get scared in hotels. all the time I'm yeah like I'll just. hear like someone else's door bang and. I'm half asleep and I'm like someone's. in my room and I was like I look around. I'm like dude you're such a [ __ ]. [ __ ] I was leaving a hotel in Omaha a. couple years ago and there was a guy it. was like 4:00 a.m. early flight you know. it's like a 600 a.m. flight out and. there was a guy just sitting on the. floor in the hallway just like crying oh. and I like ah you just don't want to. even see you just like something bad. happened no man yeah you don't want to. see that at all that sucks would you. just walk right by just wheel your.

course deal with that guy you think I'm. gonna chat him what happened. buddy case scenario there's a dead. hooker in that room something bad. happened yeah true oh God or a live one. and he need I don't know something bad. happened though yeah s also was like go. in your room dude don't [ __ ] this. what they're for go cry like everyone. else does in your hotel room don't sit. in the hallway the public crying is and. like in New York I don't mind it as much. cuz that city is supposed to break you. but when you see it in like a smaller. town you're kind of like something. sinister just occur oh yeah true true.

yeah oh man oh man Ryan Hamilton my. friend has a joke he like New York's the. only city where you just see people. openly weeping you you see a lot there. yeah I I could see that I do I guess. other cities I guess Philly too n yeah. Boston I think big cities you'll see it. I did a month sublet in New York cuz I. like thought about moving there like a. long time ago and I was like man get the. [ __ ] out of here I went right back to. Philadelphia I was oh my I couldn't do. it but how did the Philly to Austin is. an interesting move CU it is it's such a. different pace you know yeah yeah I just. for me I had kids and once like when I.

had the kids I'm like I wanted to get. out of Philly anyway and then I was like. thinking about moving to like the. outside of Philly suburbs I I had this. like whole it was it would have been a. bad plan I was looking at this like plot. of land that turned out to be like a. flood plane it was bad and I was like. I'd be an hour from every airport and. like there was no way I could do stand. up there I was like I'll make it work. and then I was talking to Shan's like. you want to go to Austin I was like yes. please that would solve all my problems. thank you that'd be the best thing ever. cuz that way it's like a decent quality. of life and for like kids and stuff and. and you can just do stand up every night. if you want yeah the club is good man.

the mothership is cool it is good. [ __ ] ship it makes me a little. nervous how many people are always there. I don't like to because I want to do new. stuff and I don't want to just like you. see these people every few months for me. CU I'm visiting I'm like I don't want. them to see me bombing yeah I like I. like the bomb in the shadows it's true. true it is an intimidating Green Room. too it's like it's just that long oak. table there's 40 [ __ ] people and it's. like yeah I was silent for the first. like 5 months I would have sit there and. like it's hard hardore it's like a weird. Health movement but also everyone's.

smoking cigarettes in there I know I did. the smelling salt I dude I don't. understand why I don't know why I did it. Rogan's like oh yeah they're good. they'll help you no one tells me not to. put them right to my face I thought I. was dying cuz I've had allergic. reactions before and I was like I was. like uh uh and Joe's like he's like are. you okay I'm like uh I'm like God I'm. such a [ __ ] no it's ammonia that's. right your body it's you're just. smelling ammonia and I don't know why. everybody does it I saw I think I saw. Josh or some football player do it on TV.

and I was like oh I should [ __ ] get. me jazzed up for a set and then I tried. it and I was like yeah if you're like a. pro athlete it seems kind of cool but I. I'm. not I'm a [ __ ] I'm a you know I'm a. whiny [ __ ] who just was like there's. better ways to get lightheaded it's all. getting lightheaded is cool but it's. like you're just I don't understand I. see dudes back there just ripping them. and I'm like dude you guys just telling. me you love smelling ammonia like that. like just [ __ ] drink some coffee do. anything else coffee is a move yeah do. anything dud I saw a Bart once say to. someone she goes do you have any Red.

Bull he goes we don't carry Red Bull you. want to you want caffeine Buzz we'll. give you coffee and I was like wow the. way he said it was so cool oh [ __ ] I. think about it all the time just keeping. the caffeine bus [ __ ] Red Bull [ __ ]. out of my [ __ ] face I drank a. rockstar last year because I was like. tired and I I was like I just I was at. the Super Bowl with Shane I was like I'm. I I was I was I don't drink that much so. I was like hung over from the day before. I'm a total [ __ ] oh with him it's. impossible not to be hung over Dude I. was dying you can't be a c ual Drinker. around Shane you can't have you either.

are sober or you have 14 you can't have. two there's no middle ground and I that. night I had like a lot and the next day. I'm just struggling I'm like so I was. like let me get a rock star dude I. thought I felt like I was all meth I. drank like half a rock star and I was. like I got to go home guys and I was. like laid in my hotel room like oh I. felt terrible oh dude I hate that I wish. somebody stopped me and said you want a. [ __ ] caffeine Buzz have a. coffee there's [ __ ] in that stuff I. don't know what it is even gas station. coffee I like I I I just like coffee I I. like the ritual of the coffee the the.

you know the energy drinks I remember. drinking you know when you're young. comic barking and stuff it was I need. energy I'll drink a 7h Hour Energy and. I'm like even then you're like this is. we haven't heard from them in a while. Lord knows what the [ __ ] was in that. [ __ ] you know oh yeah yeah yeah the five. hour when they do the shot real quick. but then it turned into like 7 hour it. was like that something about Mary scene. where he's like six minute abs and he's. just like what if someone did five and. he's like no but they went the other way. damn they bumped up seven minute energy. yeah that [ __ ]. I think it was seven wasn't it 7h Hour.

Energy I think they kept bumping it up. that makes sense it's also it is uh it. is funny to just like the term energy. just got like appropriated into being. like you're just rattl you're just like. hitting yourself with stimulant it's. like no I have energy right now it's. like no dude you're just you're [ __ ]. brain's wired on stimulants yeah well I. was listening to your podcast where. you're talking about uh you know just. sleep and how important sleep is and. you're like oh my God we do we'll do. anything but the thing we're supposed to. do I know sleep is the thing dude I it's.

I I fought it for a long time cuz I. would get into coffee I'm like super. sensitive to caffeine so I if I drink. caffeine in the morning I'm I for real. have 7h Hour Energy I'm like but do you. take naps during the day ever if I drink. caffeine I can't take naps so what I try. to do I like just White Knuckle through. a morning then I won't have coffee but I. will take a nap in the middle of the day. and it's like dude you feel so good I've. I've never been able to do it oh I love. it I can't sometimes I'll just like I'll. be so tired that I just fall as asleep. early or something but like I dude I. can't nap I too much caffeine that's the. problem I if I have caffeine no nap or.

I'll take a [ __ ] up nap where I wake. up like like oh [ __ ] but it's like yeah. about the Melatonin stuff I hate that. [ __ ] dude I tried it and then someone. told me it shrinks your balls and I'm. like they hit me with the yellow five. they're like yo you hear that stuff. shrinks your balls and I was like n I'm. not doing it so I was taking it on the. road why does it shrink your balls I. don't know Andrew huberman said it. someone said Andrew huberman said that. and I was like all right fair enough. [ __ ] he's got to be right he's dude. he's got to know about that he seems. like he knows a lot of stuff he's using.

them bro so he's got to know he's using. his balls a lot so that guy knows he. he's keyed in on the [ __ ] ball. research yeah the Melatonin gives you. nightmares I feel like it you know yeah. you get I would take it I I started. [ __ ] around with it on the road. because I'd be like you know i' be. different time zones and I get off stage. and as soon as I get back to my room. just swallow melatonin and wishing it. was just cyanide just right in my throat. and I would like sit there and read a. book and all of a sudden you do get like. really heavy have you ever taken it. before melatonin yeah I yeah I had I. have like a powder this stuff I try.

sometimes called beam and it's like it's. got all kinds it's got magnesium podcast. sponsor yeah they sent it to me and I. and I they sponsored the Pod I I had it. too and I and I was like I started. buying it because they I was like get me. some more that like they pulled their. sponsorship I was like [ __ ] it I'll buy. it like an adult strung out like Elvis. dude but uh yeah no I so that but I. would get nightmares I would wake up. like sweating like what the [ __ ] I have. nightmares every night and i' be like. that can't be good sleep no yeah yeah. that's I took it one time like I was. like I'll just take it at like [ __ ].

6:00 p.m. and just get like ready for. this sleep I didn't realize how hard. that [ __ ] hits you I did the same thing. the bean powder and I was like getting. something for my kid and I was like what. the [ __ ] and it just like hit me out of. nowhere and I was like oh [ __ ] but yeah. I uh it does the melatonin works but. yeah it's one of those things where it's. like it's just but does it work cuz like. we're not feeling refreshed right yeah I. well I was like tracking I was like. psycho tracking my sleep at the time and. I would get like more deep sleep from it. but I really yeah but it's like. addictive dude then like next thing you. know every night I'm like I should take. a little melatonin a night and I was.

just like but i' I've heard that it's. not um when they say like 2 3 milligram. 5 milligrams it could be like anywhere. from like 25 to one like it's way off. how the [ __ ] do they get away with that. I don't know it's like who the hell's. going back and forth and like analyzing. it so and they could say like these. products in like tiny print like May or. but I've heard that that's also from the. h tiny hate to Hate tiny print I know. it's [ __ ] so they [ __ ] you it's. [ __ ] [ __ ] but [ __ ] apparently. Hues is way against tonin and then I. heard the thing about like being 20 M.

I'm like H whatever I need I can shrinks. your balls I'm like that's say less. brother smaller balls that bad though. who cares yeah but it's you don't want. to get them shrunken that's the problem. it's like what the [ __ ] it just anything. that can shrink your ball it isn't that. big of a problem when you think about it. but like just having him sh Dick's. looking a little bigger you true that's. actually there's some there's some stuff. going on sleep you're sleeping great. you're sleeping well yeah it's not a bad. point I but they but there is something. about them being it feels less manly I. guess Big Balls is a good thing that's. what they say yeah exactly and it just. there's something about something you're.

eating shrinking your ball like dude the. yellow 5 as soon as I found out about. that I was terrified back in the day. like yeah you know that [ __ ] what's the. yellow five never heard yellow 5 shrink. your balls what's that just a food dye. it's like the yellow five food dye or. whatever the [ __ ] it was called but they. were like you're best off just eat. eating as naturally as possible like you. know we're that's the thing like when. you when you travel for work and you're. waking up at weird hours like you're. eating weird you're sleeping badly like. it it just adds up usually [ __ ] not. the best either oo a bad gas station. [ __ ] there's something about that where.

you're like all right there's something. dark yeah especially the worst the. bathroom looks too just [ __ ] in it. you're just like dude how did I get here. this is terrible someone definitely just. shot up oh everything's like a little. less healthy when you go like in in in. New York you can eat pretty pretty. healthy but then the diner has been. destroyed in New York cuz the you know. rent is so damn expensive so you're like. did I just spend $22 on three scrambled. eggs it's insane but then you go on the. road and just the little things that you. don't think about where you're like all.

right they put like a [ __ ] bucket of. butter on my toast yeah you know this is. like the hash Brown's a little crispier. tastes everything tastes great but. you're like man I don't have the energy. I had after this meal that I normally. have you know no dude I get I I [ __ ]. I'm almost pre-diabetic now I was. traveling a lot eating out I thought I. was pretty healthy F you look healthy. you look like you look like a gym guy I. dude I was going I was working out. everything but I was eating so much food. when I was like TR it's like dude I'm. like get in the restaurant you need. something you need to win on the road. sometimes you have a bad set or. something or you're like just like the.

anxiety you need to do some I need to do. something somewhat self-destructive and. it's like you know and you don't drink. and you don't do drugs I drink and I you. know I have not cheated on my wife so. I'm like that's I'm left with nothing. but overeating so I'm like well I have. to overeat so I would just pig out and. like I dude I just I can't that's a for. all the vices you have though as long as. you don't go diabetic but like that's. not the worst Vice well now I get to. reverse it now I get to have a health. Journey where I can be like guys I you. know I was at 5.7 A1C now I'm I'm going. to try to get down I kind of was happy. to learn about that I was like oh cool.

this is like a cool thing now it's. another chapter yeah exactly it's like. something I can do and if I can actually. get it Down Under Control that'll be. kind of fun to be like I got mine down. 5.7 is the beginning range of. pre-diabetes like like I'm at the door. I'm on the doorstep damn my dad has Type. diabetes I know that's but I dude I have. your dad is type two oh yeah is he. overweight or no he was he's like lost. yeah he's got like a beer belly but he. also like dude he like I worked with him. for a while and we would do he was us. Demolition and we would on the way home. from work he would drink a milkshake. every day yeah that's how he rocked it.

was like four soft pretzels and a. milkshake every day on the way home and. I'm like dude I'm was eating too much. rice how the [ __ ] am I pre-diabetic this. is [ __ ] this [ __ ] nonsense a. milkshake I haven't had one of those in. [ __ ] forever dude I I've never seen. anyone do that cuz we were doing a thing. where you burn steel and it was um. forget that galvanized steel so it's co. coated in zinc which like I don't know. protects it against rust or something so. when you burn the steel there was this. thing they'd be like yeah you got to get. your calcium so it's like calcium. somehow trap zinc this was all like like. so that turned into a milkshake yeah.

then he was like we need milkshakes it's. like so we're he we can stay he this. will help McFlurries will help us if we. I I think the last time I had one we had. Bill Burr in our podcast and we it's a. drinking pod so we were like Norman's. like he doesn't drink we should do he. likes milk shakes and I'm like all right. so we're like we got to get Bill bur in. a good mood so it was like uh milkshakes. and cigars was the trick that's kind of. nice actually and it was it was a. [ __ ] great combo yeah that's awesome. I mean of course two nice things of. course they you know but they don't. always work together you know they never. I don't think anyone besides my dad.

actually does milkshakes in a cigar it. was nice that is awesome how do he like. that he was in a good mood we were we. were he you know you just don't want to. Rattle him he's Bill Burr so you just. but at first we were like uh you know he. was like um this time to this time I. have a heart out like whatever you need. we had a friend waiting in the hallway. to do the next episode and then at like. you know 4:15 his out was 4 we were like. we got to get out of here right he's. like no I don't he's just like hanging. out we're like all right I got a text. from Matteo Lane like it's fine don't. worry about yeah that's cool it's Bill. Burr you know yeah that's that would.

suck just absolutely drawing his ey and. just having him just being like [ __ ] you. [ __ ] [ __ ] how's your milkshake Bill I. just want you to have fun if you want to. piss him off just tell him the the. Patriot Super Bowl doesn't count where. Marshon Lynch should have run it that's. a good point he screamed at me for like. 15 minutes straight really yeah you. could get him on the V too he's super. he's super SP super U freaked out on the. V that'd be fun you got [ __ ] V that. would that would that would piss him off. get any I'm not looking to piss him off. no I wouldn't either never call him Bill.

feber piss him. off but no that's what I would not want. that guy on my ass that would suck no. you know what we could all use a little. more of getting off asses they didn't. [ __ ] fix that typo dude they had the. same typo last week getting off asses. forgot to put getting off our asses. [ __ ] fix a typo with bold flavors and a. crisp refreshing Citrus kick Mountain. Dew gives you that extra push to get. moving and feel like you're on top of.

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conditions do apply that would [ __ ]. suck dude you were talking about. bathrooms I read a thing today saying uh. there's now they're saying you got to. check if you're at like a public. bathroom you got to open the thing and. look into the toilet roll cuz people. using like you know IV using Dr like. needles for drugs heroin whatever are. taking their syringe and is like. sticking it using that paper to roll to. like clean off the needle and he showed. a picture and it was just like little. poke holes with just blood like little. like blood spots everywhere that sucks. cuz you already don't want a [ __ ] in a.

public restroom I know dude and now you. got to worry about a needle dude yeah. for real there I don't know why the guy. was like women should be more concerned. than men it's like all right I'll take. it but it's like yeah no I'm not. thrilled either the hell but it's like. dude yeah I don't know what the. rationale maybe vaginas absorb I don't. know but it's like well I'm doing the. tour bus for the whole thing so it's a. lot of public restroom [ __ ] yeah. because you're like you know you can't. poop on that bus yeah you're not allowed. to so next day you know either the rec. center we go a little play a little ball. or we you know kind go to get yeah poop.

there or you poop at there yeah open the. thing and just look even if you don't. see blood but if you see little poke. holes that means people were cleaning. their needles off in the you know maybe. some internet [ __ ] but I saw the. picture I was like that actually does. make sense it bugs me too that these. like heroin addicts are like worried. about germs yeah true yeah like [ __ ]. just do heroin you [ __ ] [ __ ] be a. man also yeah it's like you're worried. about germs you're taking toilet paper. toilet paper roll like let me clean this. off yeah that annoys me yeah that it was. funny in Philly when they gave um we had. like there's like an I'm you've seen the.

thing of like Kensington Avenue where. it's like just k& and there's guys like. everyone standing outside did you ever. see like that [ __ ] on YouTube what is. that in Kensington na in Philadelphia. it's like one of the biggest heroin. markets like I think in the country it's. like skid row it's not as big as Skid. Row but it is just the people outside. tents like zombified standing out there. it'll shock you that I mean this country. man like everywh every downtown now has. that yeah except for Irvine I was just. in Irvine recently they have zero. homeless people got rid of them all they. do they in Irvine they offer you a bed.

and if you say no to the bed they put. you on a bus and there they're like out. of here La I swear that's like that's. their policy yeah Rudy Giuliani did that. back in the day in New York did he. really yeah they got rid of the homeless. people what they gave sent him on a. train to where I think to the West Coast. damn so he probably sent him to Irvine. and then they were like you go back that. way probably what happened yeah no. that's uh even in like downtown Salt. Lake I was you know you're you're. walking by like holy [ __ ] this is crazy. yeah dude. yeah but dude the uh they oh it's funny. in Salt Lake I was there at a farmers.

market uh like last year and I was. talking to this guy who was like he was. campaigning for mayor yeah I think he. had been mayor before and stopped he's. like they need me back and I was like. the park was beautiful I was like dude. this is awesome here and he was like. well yeah there was homeless people here. and like they got cleared out uh right. before the farmers market and I was kind. of hitting him with like that's what's. up and he was like no it's actually an. injustice and this is why I'm running I. was like oh [ __ ] my bad like [ __ ] my bad. dude it's really sad they took the. prescription medication and kicked him. out I was like oh but look at these. avocados this is such a nice I did hit.

with that I was like you got to be. honest dude though it it is way better I. was like just on a you know a level of. just enjoyment it is kind of sweet that. they're not here right now and he was. like whatever he wouldn't give that to. you he was just kind of laugh he was. just kind of like all right all right. but I was like bro I was like it's nice. here defending them you know get their. tents taken up but I am and I I think. it'd be sad if I saw that part but the. aftermath is nice it is weird too that. these tents are being used for that like. you know the guy who designed the tents. were like this good for camping you're. going to go a nice thing and then you. just get people with needles like a. [ __ ] that's true you would think yeah.

the thing about like the love of Nature. and you're out you're like hunting and. living off the land it is mostly just. like emaciated human beings like selling. each other for sex and it sucks man and. and a lot of dying in them people dying. in those tents it's get it's getting. worse man you go around allthough you. just find areas where you're like these. there are so many people unwell that. you're like yeah it's not going to get. better anytime soon no dude and imagine. like I mean no one's getting really born. is anyone born into homelessness now or.

they just like what do they do with you. then I guess they take your kid yeah I. guess so I didn't think about you don't. see a lot of homeless kids in the street. you don't just the adults yeah I think. they take you if you're if they see you. as a homeless kid no Oliver twists if. they see you as like a home a young. homeless kid I think they're like get. the [ __ ] out of here I I would hope cuz. I'm just waiting like CU if that becomes. like a permanent class in America that's. what I'm kind of like seeing like where. do they go from there yeah the new thing. the Demolition Man like predicted. everything and it's like the sewer. people that might be next you're like. [ __ ] all these well there are people who. do live under like who do live in like.

little catacombs and under bridges and. stuff and I heard Germany now they have. a crack epidemic in German it's crazy. you know everything nothing goes away. they just come back now Germans are. dealing with like a hard like 1980s. crack epidemic oh [ __ ] like sounds so. vintage to us but yeah to them crack in. Germany that was like the one place in. Europe I didn't go and I was so bum. because I feel like feel like Berlin is. supposed to be sick and uh I've never. yeah I I was I was bummed I couldn't. make that one work how is standup in in.

Europe they all speak English is it fun. you know what's funny my worst set I. killed last year in London and then this. time I just was like I think it was my. worst show there you know I hit like. Belfast Dublin par Paris wasn't amazing. M uh I mean the city's amazing just like. the standup is it's whatever par Paris. is meh that's my No and then uh what. else oh uh Amsterdam Copenhagen stock. Holm and uh and Oslo were all incredible.

that's that blows my mind they can all. like listen to standup I'm I just assume. them like there's no way these guys you. would have a lot of fans over there. that's crazy it's amazing and they're uh. that's nuts it's look you know some some. places like blow you away you're like. wow I moved more tickets than I expected. here and then some you're like man it's. a light show but even the light shows. pretty damn good that's awesome I guess. they're pretty happy you know they're in. another country and like [ __ ]. beautiful Yeah just something [ __ ] up. it is funny when you run into a fan on. the on the street like out of there I. saw a guy in in Dublin and he was like.

oh my God you're here I was like oh. what's up man and he go he goes are you. doing a show tonight and I was like uh. yeah yeah go I was like yeah I think. there's still a couple tickets available. and he was like huh like I was like oh. he's not going to come I like what are. the odds I run into a fan in the an. American fan in another country and he's. like nah I'm good I know I was like well. all right all right dude that's cool. yeah that is that would be cool though. be to be in another country like oh. that's crazy people like hey man what's. going on you're like what the [ __ ] they. do a double take cuz they're like why. you here yeah but you know it's like.

have you done Australia yet I did I I. opened for Shane in Australia it was. cool just the flight is [ __ ] dude it. [ __ ] you up for like forever it the way. back [ __ ] you up worse yes like going. there it's like I just drugged myself. yeah a few muscle relaxers a couple. glasses of wine I'm like I'm [ __ ]. good out but then on the way back I was. like I'm bad for like a week I was. [ __ ] up dude and I had like I had kids. I like just that was when they really. like even younger so I like we did a. show the last night got home at like.

maybe 2: or 3 woke up at 5: for the airp. I don't think I I don't think I really. even slept and then just I was a I can't. really sleep on planes that well so if I. slept on the way back maybe for an hour. or two and I was awake for the most of. it and then got dropped off the New York. airport and then had to drive this when. I was in Philly I was awake for. basically 24 hours and then had to just. drive from New York to Philly my wife. who was like finally you're back you. know all that [ __ ] you don't you don't. walk into a happy room room there either. no I see that with with Gary cuz you. know who I tour with he's got a family.

and and I don't so I I'm seeing he's. like you know she's like you didn't. FaceTime me I'm like oh my God I'm just. [ __ ] you know having low pressure you. watching your kids cry through face time. while you're in a hotel room while your. wife is just like huffing yeah is might. be it's hell it's the [ __ ] worst like. you're sitting there like hey guys. trying to tell you well maybe you should. talk a little nicer maybe my GR it's. terrible it's actually it's really bad. it's one of the saddest things of like.

when you travel for standup then. eventually as they get older it becomes. a little better but like when they're. like little and you're yeah just like. yeah and you feel powerless oh you just. feel awful dude you're like why am I. doing this this sucks but you know then. you get but then the thing I always tell. myself a good example to work too you. know for your kids like you're doing. your the thing you followed your dream. and it worked out and and you're kids. will see that when they grow up and. that's a cool thing too that and that. well that's what I tell my kids I say. guys I know you don't like when I go. away but if I were toay stay here and do. another job with I would kill myself so. do you want me to kill myself you guys.

want your father to kill himself is it. would be your fault we got you a. babysitter his name is Jared. Fogle but it is true you do have to. there is like because I'd be like I. should be around more but I know if I. had like a a job that I hated I would. just be miserable in the house so it's. like what's better having you know kind. of someone who's traveling a little bit. and happy in the house or someone who's. there every day like and you and you got. this going so you have other things. going on he I think he said a good I I. hear it more from female Comics cuz I. think women are expected to be like the.

you know I the mom should be there the. Mom shouldn't be traveling and I know. you know some female Comics who have. babies or young kids and they're just. like you know Rachel Feinstein's one of. my best friends and she was like you. know if I that he could he could go to. work like whenever he could do like all. these 24-hour shifts I leave for like a. spot they're like they treat me like I'm. Casey Anthony you know so it's like how. yeah when the baby's really young it it. is like a biological reality that they. do need the like more you can bottle. feed them and stuff like that but yeah.

that's dude the mother guilt is like 50. million times worse and yeah you are you. were in there you were in her exactly I. mean there's that you know yeah there. there's a connection it's a real. connection there's actually now I've. read in Sweden um man the headlines. really working in my favor today they're. actually applying to everything but the. uh there's a movement now called Soft. girl there's like soft girls now they're. called so like there's women who are now. rejecting the workforce be like no I'm a. soft girl so you're either a boss I was. like what is the [ __ ] it called This is.

in Sweden softw woman yeah they call. them soft womans cuz you either a boss. lady or a softw woman and now there's. people embracing the sofom lifestyle. where they're like yo work sucks I'm. becoming just like a pure stay-at-home. sofom well that that it would originate. in Sweden cuz they're just so [ __ ]. liberal there so it's like that's what. that's where they'll try out it's like. like this is what we'll try out the. liberal idea and if it takes flight. it'll move over to like the other. Scandinavian countries then make its way. here but like that's that's we debut it. you well I think they went well that's. more there's more like liberal boss.

ladies if you're like a boss lady was. like I'm going to kick ass at work don't. even ask me to do anything around the. house it's [ __ ] [ __ ] blah blah. blah but now there's a lot of women. being like yeah this kind of sucks. having a job like it's not as cool as I. thought yeah I think you know a lot of. people they identify as what their job. is yeah they're like that's how they. describe them I'm a I'm a this well. that's my thing is like if you're in a. if you're in a two income household and. your husband makes enough and you're. still working that's when I start to.

question I'm like dude it's one thing if. you're like running a [ __ ] company. you know you're a boss lady but like. women are like I choose to work and. they're like a team associate for like. Verizon it's like [ __ ] why but what. if there what if there's like a shady. what if there's like a prenup and the. marriage doesn't work out then you're. kind of just like relying on him forever. you know that's true that's true then he. can like take your cell phone and like. get into there's there are those guys. who do that that makes sense that does. make sense I think it's good to have. your own thing you know yeah I'm I'm. more Ed to women who have their own. thing going on I like soft I like soft. girls you you want a girl who just Waits.

For You Waits yeah soft girl no I don't. I don't care for wom works I don't care. it is uh I just think there is something. like I don't know man I I I do think. there's I do think there's something sad. to have it put in a woman's head that. like if they're not working they're. somehow like sold out their entire. species and they're like they're. brainwashed it's like working sucks too. yeah yeah no I don't I don't think that. way either but I hear you it is nice I. will say there is something nice to uh. of a woman waiting around for me like. like she doesn't do anything and then. she's like where have you been like I.

don't like that energy uh that's totally. truez I like her to have other [ __ ] like. that she's got to deal with I like it's. good to have other things you're right. no you are right because I would say. that is the downfall of a soft girl. whatever the [ __ ] they're called the. where are you text increase by 500% once. you go from a boss lady to a soft girl. it's like there's no just dishing off. where are you where are you I swear to. God when you said soft girl I thought it. was going to be like some like a trans. like man but like the penis doesn't work. I really thought cuz cuz Sweden is so. [ __ ] liberal that was like it's going.

to be something like that but well dude. it is there is something uh well. apparently yeah Sweden's the most. liberal place and that's why they're. kind of like like what the [ __ ] going. on because a lot of women now they're. like all right we set we've like laid. the path Jordan Peterson talks about. this you laid the path for gender. equality and there's like they have more. people than ever who are like [ __ ] that. I'm just going to stay at home be a. traditional wife which whatever it's but. that's also there you know that's I. guess it's weird if you had a male. friend who would do that like I'm just. going to like hang out like all right.

cuz I have a friend like that and he's. hits he hits me up for money and I'm. like dude just [ __ ] do something do. something yeah he's trying in is he a. soft dad or is he like no he he [ __ ]. he had this woman who like was a hard. worker and doing and she like wanted to. have a family with him and he was just. like nah I'm good and he's just like a. single dude now I'm like dude you really. misplayed your hand here yeah now I'm. getting like venmo requests from him I'm. like dude come on. you got to get your life together that's. true no there is you did make a strong.

case for a boss lady cuz it is true you. do want kind of someone who has their. own thing going on or else they're going. to be [ __ ] bugging you I just think. it's nice you have another thing it's. just like you know it could be anything. it doesn't have to be like a crazy but. just have something else cuz you don't. look at the divorce rate nothing I mean. you hope things work out but no it's. about 50 I think we just came down for. 50 to like 48% really yeah so that's all. right it's high it's still pretty. [ __ ] high dude that's you know. there's there's a reason people are. getting less why is that wait getting.

divorced less yeah 2% is that something. right that's pretty good yeah that's too. you said 48 instead of 50 I thought it. was so it went yeah it went down a. little bit it went down a little bit. it's all geographically I think abortion. went down slightly too did it really. yeah maybe people are just being maybe. people are just being a little safer who. knows yeah or yeah I wonder I wonder cuz. it's uh the saddest divorces I've seen. are when like people don't even hate. each other at the end when they're just. kind of like. it ran its course it's just yeah when. two people just like lose all passion. for each other and just go like yeah you.

think you're going to have like a season. 4 Carmela Tony blowout on The Sopranos. but then at the end you're just like. yeah I've always thought dead I always. thought that was the saddest like. virgins you hear people like yeah we're. just one day looked at each other and. we're like n it was pretty mutual and. peaceful I'm like that sucks you wanted. to be like tear if you have kids that's. what you need cuz the bad ones you've. seen those where you're like holy [ __ ]. they just hate each other I've seen. people who stay together who [ __ ]. hate each other that's that makes me sad. too cuz you're just like you hate going.

home that friend who will stay out with. you all night and you're like man this. person Rock and like oh they're deeply. unhappy that's why they're still. drinking with me like you're just like. so grateful that like this person wants. to party but but they hate their home. life that's true that is the one thing. where you know when the divorce rate is. at 40% it's like yeah a lot of marriages. like just growing up you see you're like. damn these guys hate each other so that. is a sad thing too to like there's no. easy way cuz it is going to be stressful. but it's like yeah when do you throw in. towels like a weird question mostly.

women initiate divorce it's mostly women. who initiate it which is like it's I've. always been struck by that but it's like. yeah maybe women put more stock in. happiness I think dudes are kind of more. comfortable being miserable yeah true. women are like am I happy like they're. qu they're more introspective I think. women question things more than we do. like I I'm happy to just go through life. being like I need a joke I need this you. know but then every once in a while when. you like face your feelings you're like. oh my God like it'll it'll scare cuz. women are just like trained to deal with.

their feelings and we're not so when I. you know I just like like I don't I'm. feeling something I don't like whiskey. plead you know just like I'll just I'll. just bottle it up but you know that's. not good either they're in communicado. all the times with each other about like. what's stressing them what's going and. they they are good about that but. sometimes it could be too much where I'm. like dude like well you're invalidating. my feelings they're dumb they don't. apply to the problem they're just. getting in our way turn it off now down. and [ __ ] deal yeah but you're you. know you are kind of right I think they.

uh they they I've talked about this. before but one time I was with my wife. and she she was like freaking out where. it's like bedtime and she was just like. panicking I could hear her breathing. weird I'm like what what's the matter. and she was like I don't I'm like just. tell me what's wrong dude she listed a. rapid fire response of like six problems. at once that had like sub problems about. like this person and I was just like. stop right now it it was so fast and it. was just like organized yes it was like. this interconnected web like this person. that and this happened and then they. thought this and that and I was just. like I was like all right I don't ever.

want to glimpse into that ever again but. I was like that's I feel for you was it. a work problem or just like a home. problem I do don't even remember it was. more of like a friend group slor thing. that she was freaking out oh dude it was. like you watch these I I don't watch. them but some of my girlfriend will have. these like real housewife shows on and. I'm like you're just manufacturing. problems I know that they're like fake. and they're ridden and stuff but these. PE just the idea of these people who. have nothing going on they're like this. person didn't invite me to a party and. that's like an arc and you're like. that's your life that is that's a that's.

like a punch in the stomach in girl. world though you have a party that's. true you have a party but sometimes it's. even less than that some like they this. person like cut me off or was rude to me. and you're just like all right yeah hold. the grudge you're right the party thing. is actually that was a bad example no no. that doesn't make sense though it is it. is dumb but it is like that's a uh that. is a thing since women don't like it. does suck to not get invited to a party. I don't want to go but I do want to be. invited yeah man like I don't want to go. to weddings ever but like when I don't. get the invite I'm a little like ah it's. a bummer I get kind of sad as well I I'd. really like not like to go to almost.

anything but if I don't get invited I. like [ __ ] you just want to be thought of. you don't actually do it you just want. the it's almost like at a certain point. the consent is better than the sex yeah. you're like that woman was like that. woman would [ __ ] you and you're like. what that's amazing you just go home and. you jack off and you're like who cares. yeah exactly I don't need the [ __ ]. sex I don't want to yeah I don't want to. I don't want to keep the fantasy in my. head yeah the sex would ruin it the sex. would she would be like oh that was. horrible and You' be like oh [ __ ] yeah. that stinks but the idea that it could. happen you're like [ __ ] I'll take. yeah I that's uh I always wonder it's.

like especially when you're when you're. before you're married you do like you're. like all right I'm gonna have sex it. better be good now I'm was like I don't. I'm not I mean if it's good it's great. but if I can if you'll just let me in. there I'm like thank you man yeah now. you get to the point I get like sad and. resentful about that now I'm like that. is actually nice you not wanting to have. sex and letting me do that any I'm like. that's thank you for that considerate. that's very nice that's very nice if you. you didn't have to do that next time. show some little more [ __ ] spirit all. right I'm dating someone I I was walking. back to the hotel from The Comedy Club. last night and some woman was like oh my. she was like so excited to see me I was.

like oh what's up and I was like well if. I was she was like I'm a big fan I was. like oh [ __ ] cool and we were talking a. little bit she was attractive and uh and. I was like man if I was single I would. try to have sex with her and I would. lose a. fan I might as well just keep the fan. true true true I'm better at comedy than. that that is really funny D that is yeah. that I've never see I've always been. married I never got to like sexually. interact with my how long have you been. married 5 years oh okay so I've been. married I didn't get it when it was like.

good really I feel like cuz I I I was. always just so quickly out of a breakup. and it was just like I was too sad or I. like wouldn't you know uh or I would. ruin it I remember I I remember I [ __ ]. like an older woman in Portland once and. I was so sad after a breakup where she's. like a divorced woman she had a really. nice house and uh right after I came she. was like what's wrong I'm like I just. miss my ex and and then she was like. asking about it and I was like I'm sorry. it's just like very fresh and uh and she. was just like well it sounds like she. doesn't want you back and I was like she.

might like we got like an argument about. her I was like it could work like and I. was like wow this is like the worst one. night stand ever I suck that there is. something cool though about like the. divorce lady energy oh she was like. those ladies are out there oh my God I. love it like [ __ ] your ex just says like. a million dollar house yeah she's like. yeah things don't work out kid you know. I haven't seen my kids in six months. they [ __ ] hate me yeah that is kind. of fun to be like don't she she doesn't. want you I know she was right oh really.

she was definitely right but I mean I. wasn't ready to hear it I was still sad. and you're just trying to numb yourself. on the road it's like any way it's like. what I'm saying you're trying to avoid. the feelings if but you have to I I've. gotten better at just feeling when I'm. sad yeah true or you know what you were. saying in that podcast the other day. like just forcing yourself I'm not like. working out hard but I'll go to the gym. and you get a little boost you know do. something yeah yeah no that helps me. I've been good at that like I've been. trying to do a thing where I just like. if I'm in a hotel tell my my first. instinct is like I'm just going to. [ __ ] watch por and jerk off cuz. otherwise I I can't fall asleep.

otherwise and I've been like forcing. myself to just lay in my bed and just. feel whatever that feeling is of like. before that I could just would go away. if I just jerked off I know what you. mean it's so tempting it's like made up. perfectly for it it's it's crazy and I'm. like what is going on to me and then I. like and I'll sit there and feel it I'm. like maybe I can just fall asleep. naturally and then I will actually get. relaxed and then I'll just watch pourn a. jerk. while like oh now now I'm really going. to fall the exact same thing last night. the only difference between me now and. me and like in my 20s is I uh I read.

afterwards oh I had my book with me I. was like I'll read I'll read a few pages. then I'll fall asleep that is yeah like. nobody needs melatone I still watch porn. and jerked off but I you know you read. your book I read my book that's too that. is the Melatonin company does not want. you to hear this but yeah you watch porn. and then read a book you could do it you. do not need Mel you get you get sleepy. you do I read every night before bed I. love it man what what are you reading uh. right now I'm reading a book called. money in the meaning of life that's like. it's pretty good it's this this.

professor talking he's like a. comparative religion Professor who just. like Yammer on about like how money is. like Central to like just like it's so. deeply embedded in people's psyches and. how it's like we're pretty unique in. that regard as like a civilization. because it's like relatively new I guess. and he just says like how you just need. like to come up with a way in life that. like money is always going to be. important if you try to tell yourself. it's nothing you're just fooling. yourself cuz it's like you're when you. put like a lesser or base desire you try. to banish it from your Consciousness it. just becomes wild and then just like.

goes crazy and like goes out of control. so his whole thing was like just try to. make money the second most important. thing in your life because he's like. it's probably the most important thing. for pretty much everyone it's. understandable that it is but if like. you can make it the second most. important thing he's like that's an. amazing achievement that's true and. family will be your number one no me. but no yeah anything family just. anything anything you're doing gets into. the gift economy how a true gift never. stops moving like like it's like there's. like a I don't know but but yeah he's. like if you can make it second most and.

it's like you know money's tied in with. all of your other kind of like. creaturely concerns where he's like if. you can try to somehow make that second. most important he's like amazing. achievement that's pretty it was a good. but it was a good lesson yeah sometimes. you just need to be reminded of things. that we kind of already know yeah. exactly you kind of know it but a guy. just like put it's it's with everything. it's like [ __ ] sometimes you just see a. comedian you're like oh yeah I'm just. supposed to be funny yep some just it's. just so simp like you see the most. obvious message in a movie or book and. you're like why did I I know that but.

why did I lose sight of it all the time. yeah it happens all and that's what he. was saying he's like when you try to. banish these things from your. Consciousness they just kind of work in. the shadows and just take right over. again without you even knowing but yeah. that's that's helped me a lot in stand. up is I used to always [ __ ] Panic. everywhere be like oh [ __ ] now I'm just. like there's people here they want to. laugh I'm going to do my best you had. anxiety to perform you mean yes math all. the time yeah all the time yeah yeah I. just sit there and go I dread it I get. really. and then I'm on and I feel fine once I. get the first laugh I feel fine but like. yeah I dread the waiting yeah I and a.

comic before me could run the light by 2. minutes I'm like oh you're killing me. get the [ __ ] off I just want to [ __ ]. go on I know yeah I've like relaxed a. lot but if I'm in a new scenario like. when I moved down to Texas I had to go. to the Mother Ship I was just like it's. a new you have to prove yourself all. over again I mean a lot of people know. you but you still have to you feel like. you have to prove yourself it's true and. I had I was like working on pretty much. newish material cuz I like did the. special and I was like still trying to. like build up like an hour so I was it. was like I was just [ __ ] myself the. whole time but it's like now now I've.

like tried to take myself out of the. equation as much as much as I can and. just be like I just these people want to. laugh I'm going to try to make them. laugh and if I don't do well it was a. valiant effort and I'm not going to like. freak out or be like you're [ __ ]. piece of you know like that stuff is bad. I used to always think like it's always. it's one set it's not going to change my. life in anyway if you get a new joke. cool but like this I'm not ruining. myself over this set yeah although. Richards might have thought the same. thing so you never know but I uh but. that's that's everyone bombs yeah.

everyone everyone says he n a bunch to. strangers in the crowd it'll be luckily. camera phones aren't a real thing yet. wait a second yeah you should have had. the Yonder bag dude yag so yeah. Chappelle has it to protect material. other comic show like I might have a. racist TI raade I just need no but I I. really do feel that way like nothing. really that bad is going to happen you. know like you just give them the best. show you can especially when you're like. really you know you're working on stuff. and you're building and hopefully the.

crowds now are sophisticated enough to. understand like how we have to do this. so they know you know they listen to. enough podcast and stuff or you're doing. your show on your tour and you're like. this is this is where it's at right now. I hope it's good enough but like it. it'll get there you know for sure you. still get those psychos like so you're. going to do the same thing on the next. show and you're like yes I am the [ __ ]. out of here do you like make it up every. time like no dude what the [ __ ] do you. think I am I know people think that I. know crazy like so you going to do like. what are you going to do for the next. show just like something totally. different I'm like no [ __ ] well you do I.

mean look there are moments where we're. riffing so they think that maybe the. other stuff there moments where we're. like you know at the end of the show. I'll [ __ ] around with the crab I like. scream at a current event I'll try to. you know or I'll do whatever say kind. stuff like that just to because I I get. bored with the material anyway but like. yeah the fact that they think it's all. off the Dome is insane it's crazy but. that would be so [ __ ] I mean I've. seen there are dudes I think Rory. Scoville would do some [ __ ] like that. special where he just went completely. off the Dome he's he's a different breed. though in that way I think that normal.

Comics you just can't no I would I don't. know that that would be it' be a fun. experiment but it's also like but it. would do a disservice like can you. imagine like Chris Rock off the Dome as. opposed to like seeing his I want to. hear his polished stuff yeah true yeah. true it's one of those things that. sounds cool but you'd also have to tell. the audience that way they they they're. bought in so they're not just kind of. like what the [ __ ] is this guy doing I. know but well dude I think you crushed. it man I think we're we're at an hour. thank you so much so fun yeah. the most we've ever spoken yeah if. you're in New York you got to come by. ours you know please that' be awesome.

yeah this is what I it's I've been video. recording my basically first time really. meeting people it's really sweet it's. really cool it's really. awesome dude thank you man what do you. have do you have anything you want to. yeah you know I'm on tour like crazy. start in January I got you know some. clubs to warm up in like San Antonio. Liberty and uh Liberty Township Ohio. which is like somewhere near Cincinnati. I think and then uh and then Pittsburgh. improv and then it's just like all. theaters going forward and we're doing.

the bus so it's like Charlotte Richmond. DC. Philly uh you know Tulsa [ __ ] Austin. Dallas West Coast every city so it's. just sam.com shows and if if you don't. see it it'll be there you know it it'll. be there in the fall I'll come I'm. coming everywhere so that's s I'm so. jealous of his tour name I'm coming. everywhere is that it that's what he. call like what a great tour name that is. pretty good but uh yeah so it's my my. website go to shows and I'm I'm really. coming to every city and it's it's a new. hour and I feel I feel like it's getting.

there it'll be it'll be good by then so. hell yeah dude you better get you better. get the [ __ ] out there and go there dude. and we got our whiskey Bodega cat which. is going to be it's me and Mark Norman's. whiskey I brought you a bottle it's good. stuff it's it's everywhere in New York. now it's going to be everywhere here. soon so I'm [ __ ] yeah dude that's. awesome man hell yeah well thanks for. coming dude thanks for having me dude. appreciate that uh thank you guys love. you guys goodbye. oh.