Ep 369 - Honeymoon

wow wow. W. yo like the way you walk back with. authority dude Gardini walked back like. a man on a. mission walking back oh you got yourself. a mic yeah he's tapped in dude tap in. dude guard dog you little weasel guardi. dude Greg GFI dude who would have. thought that guardog was such a [ __ ]. Climer who would you set up you're like. well if you guys do the podcast I'm. going to have to be on camera then I'm.

going have to sit right next to you and. then he secretly sets up his own mic. dude the Gardini the. Gutfeld cardini's Gutfeld you might be. an exra. Gutfeld yo what do you think about um. trying to think Dave Chappelle getting. canceled give me us give us like a five. minute monologue the Liberals are trying. to cancel another great. [Laughter]. comedian what are they going to learn.

dude you're so silly from the Takis I'm. so silly from the dark chocolate. although I did take it a little easy I. don't know there's half a bar missing. you're lucky I didn't take my ashwag. Ganda today what's that you'd have been. in [ __ ] trouble what's ashwag Ganda. Indian. ginsing why would I be in trouble you'd. be in trouble dude the [ __ ] is your. problem. dude I'm tring to make right here with. Matt mccusker uh alleged. comedian I sort think gun fell to face. all day I actually do most of the time. yeah I have this line I have that line.

dude you do not make gut I have that. line if I wake up grumpy dude I I'm full. Gutfeld for a whole. day I'm grumpy dude I'm Greg. Gutfeld guard dog you you're a bit of a. Gutfeld man you don't like Gutfeld the. [ __ ] your bro why you like geld I don't. care smoke you in a roast dude oh my God. geld honestly he's like Myers he's a.

roaster he really is all he does all he. does is roast he's grinched he's Grinch. looking as well yeah he's got a bit of a. grinch face speaking of the Grinch dude. speaking of the Grinch dud on my mind. the Grinch is on my mind the Grinch got. rowy ad helium. dude shout out to Philly funest dude. it's all we say about that I don't like. the yeah the Phil the curse of Philly. funest it happens dude [ __ ] you up you. get paranoid you get in your head dude. it's too much Fame I thought someone was. going to shoot me afterwards it's too. much Fame I thought someone was going to.

do me like XXX tation dude I thought. someone was going to catch me at the ATM. while I was in my Honda Civic dude I. heard you had a tight five and then just. light you up Gutfeld. Gardini yo what are you doing dude. Totten whoa now he's sh off his dude. it's hot in here I forgot I have. abs yeah you ABS let me see those abs. let me see that belly there when didd. you go to high school I'm not sh my when. did he go to High School yeah when gradu.

high school like four years ago yeah. dude yeah six five or six years ago did. you have sex with girls in high school. only one that's nice that's pretty that. is nice man I got a hand job from a dead. girl though well she's dead now damn. dude that was a that was she was the. best I miss her so that was your girl. she was the best you're in the bathroom. how did she pass. away don't say dude want to talk about. don't yeah you shouldn't have brought. that up dude you got well you called her. a dead girl that's how you referred to. your true I'll talk beloved so processes.

there's a girl who passed away how did. she pass away passed away she passed. away um in a car accident going I had a. feeling dude yeah that's how all babies. go there's several babies I know that. passed away and perished in fiery rcks. yeah sometimes a whole group of them. seriously it happens everyone you can't. put all your baby girls you can't put. all the eggs in one basket dude you. can't man you can lose a whole carful of. babies dude especially that young too. that's like Prime like yeah sometimes.

having a good time and just you hear the. heart yeah man Bey look. out at every school there's always yeah. there's always like one card gets. [ __ ] terminated well she wasn't in. school anymore she was in college. studies all right you're really. narrowing this thing down yeah yeah you. shouldn't have done this should probably. sorry you should probably edit. everything you set out I'll be all right.

[Laughter]. so Matt what the heck dude what's going. on my brother yeah now that I've. officially announced that I'm done doing. the podcast true you see that I'm on the. Reddit dude I'm watching you boys oh I. watch everything there's little snakes. going somebody yeah somebody was. trolling the boys and was like now that. it's official that Jane's leaving the. podcast and dudes were like [ __ ] him I. was dude I was just on a tour bus with. Louis reading comments like yeah what. the hell.

you I was gut F out dude and another one. another little guy another alleged. comedian talking about me on the Reddit. I can you losers get a. life I'm not going to be stop laughing. if you keep doing geld I'm not you going. you're going to think I'm doing Guff. Feld I have that line dude I have the. line dude you can't what are you talking. about the line is there you do I'm not. doing it on purpose G doesn't try to do. it I'm not trying G they hit him with. the news every morning he's like I think.

I lost and they open the news he. goes. what if he hears the Liberals dude when. the Liberals are acting up gutfeld's. nose just he senses it I have it you can. see there's a wrinkle there there's a. line there is that from when the libs. just bother you yeah you [ __ ] your nose. just you get go like. this you've seen that face dude I have. gut filed I have gut filed. face about you you should get plastic. surgery to eliminate your lib detector. dude that's what it does if you get.

BOTOX it's like yeah like yeah it was a. peaceful protest and you're just like. really yeah I think so too it seems. pretty peaceful dude I'm so conservative. right now are you really I don't know. why that that [ __ ] Ray EPS fired me. up oh you know what got me my aunt came. over and started talking to me about how. we need to basically we really need to. investigate the capital yeah the. uprising so she was the one who got you. she fired me up a little no but she was. hitting it as like well those people all.

need to be sent to jail and I was like. well well then we need to look into BLM. is Al. also I Haven seen my aunt in like a year. that was the first thing and she came. and fired you up she came in cuz my lady. likes watching Fox and Fox News was on. yeah and she was she was like what's. this what is she what's I guess who's. there Gutfeld I guess it's lemon she was. just like well I don't no that's Tucker. is Tucker is the fox lemon yeah true. yeah goat Tucker Fox's goat lemon is.

CNN's that's the goat top dude yeah and. maybe mat true maybe it's that who's. that uh who's that fat boy on CNN yeah I. know that fat boy he looks like the. [ __ ] killer from season one A True. Detective he looks like the spaghetti. monster you you know what I mean he. looks crazy what's that dude's name that. fat boy yeah who's that fat boy on CNN. who's that fat boy that had to eat his. words about uh [ __ ] he he talking [ __ ]. about Ries dude he got [ __ ] he had to. eat his fatow dude he got body is.

bodying CNN dude he's crushing him he. threaten to sue yeah stelter stelter. [ __ ] ass fat [ __ ] ass. dude he's a he's a fat bull dude he's a. good B he's a fat boy. there the most annoying face he's. stelter's there gfell dude stelter. Smiles like a [ __ ] like a. kindergarten like he literally Smiles. like he's learning how to smile.

it's. crazy yeah true it's a let me see that. pick. again. I I just got my uh two nephew school. pictures today and dude it's they're. exactly stelter damn stelter used to be. a skinny young boy was he really yeah he. looked nice yeah that's no that's the. Journey of That's a classic whoa. stelter's dealing with something look at. him back in the day that's a firey he. literally looks like a [ __ ] He's he's.

is he out as. gay I thought that was a I thought all. CNN hosts were gay no legitimately I. thought like all the male host on there. were kind of gay that's why Geraldo left. from that picture he looks isn't that. why Geraldo left he's like I'm I'm not. gay I'm was like yeah dude I'm straight. As [ __ ] going I get too much [ __ ] to be. on this channel was that the guy who. showed his abs geralo didn't gero put a. sexy photo out yeah he had a sexy photo. damn dude although I think I don't want. to slander my man I just gell did you. see that what' you tell I was looking at. pictures of stelter and I.

went yeah stelter is a he's a beefy boy. a lot of Libs though go fat yeah a lot. of the men do a lot of live men get kind. of puffy I like it I don't I don't mind. that I like I like they get weak and fat. I like little fat [ __ ] talking about. the [ __ ]. news you know what I mean just like can. you believe this is going. on or when someone brings up a good. point in interview you're like well how. so and then you change subject immed.

I've seen a lot of that I've been. getting fired up on talking points dude. which one's that uh or blazing Point. what is it called crystal ball and. songer oh yeah I don't watch that I. heard it's great I watch them all the. time dude dude they're the ones who. fired me up on the puppies I started D I. was dying cuz [ __ ] fouches ripping. beagle throats out yeah slit well he was. funding research where they slit beagle. throats and let flies eat them to death. and put their heads in cages dude the. pictures are [ __ ] it's just heads they. beagles laying there their heads and. like mesh.

and flies just eat them to death flies. are in there munching their heads and. they slit their throats so they don't. have to listen to them. bark what are they researching I don't. know like [ __ ] flies flies give. diseases to dog I don't I think the fly. gives people a disease that fly would. like [ __ ] people up so like let's let. them eat beagles and see if the beagles. get the disease but yeah they're under. Fire also too it's a good time to uh. thank our sponsors Eco Health Alliance. for this podcast Eco Health Alliance. definitely didn't cause a pandemic. says they is a [ __ ] idiot and shut.

the [ __ ] up yes also our new sponsor. Taiwanese beagle. torturers wait who who's doing the. torturing it's not Taiwan it's somebody. over there somebody over there that has. NIH funded what the hell's going on with. Asia and their lack of regard for dog. lives I don't know they [ __ ] hate. them. dude Korea Kore South Korea band said no. more [ __ ] manchin yeah dude. everyone's [ __ ] laugh K one like.

this got. F there's no gut felds at they we're not. allowed to eat dogs anymore. here well congratulations we live in. communism thanks joine I don't even know. how he talks so exactly like that yeah I. just like anytime somebody's in a suit. and cool sneakers yeah I [ __ ] heavy. with that I immediately know to take. them seriously for sure. it's. lesbian Ellen rocks at pretty hard yeah.

true it is a thick [ __ ] lesbian outfit. oh for. sure I mean that's like you know if. you're get cuz you can't wear like a if. you're a lesbian you can't go like full. like forbs 500 business suit yeah. although that would they should go like. win Point tip shoes but yeah you got to. show like you know you got to be quirky. as a lesbian dude can you believe what. Chappelle said I mean I'm with the. Netflix walkout oh for sure I support. them I was there you were there I was. there being like yo let's get him oh you.

were the provocator you were the ray. apps I was there reading FBI I was. reading FBI crime statistics is it Ray. or Roy EPS Rays you're the ray UPS of. the Netflix walkout big time you were. there on January oh my God girls going. to girls come on ladies let's get him. yeah yo did you see that girls uh we. we're covering we're just this is. basically Gutfeld we're covering all the. Hot Topics true there's a lot of hot. topics right now D there are Hot Topics. been taking an L dude it's coming out.

that the pandemic was probably created. in a. lab I also I should you know nothing to. do with the Ecco Health Alli so Peter. daak what isn't it clear that it was. from a [ __ ] lab yeah but you oh dude. we didn't even look at the [ __ ]. categories dude Alec Balwin blasted a. lady dude I'm not I'm not gleeful about. that I'm not either people people been. sending me the craziest [ __ ] on that. people are so hyped just cuz he like. made fun of the right that dude that.

that's like I saw that one good I'm glad. he shot a lady I couldn't get on board. with that yeah I wasn't delighted over. that although it did make me kind of. chuckle I mean the thing in it it's. mainly because I heard that that woman. said some racial racial she had some. racial tweets what she have once she. died I I did a deep dive into her tweets. to decide whether or not I should be. happy Justified yes once I found out. that I had seen what she had said yes. wait so she was saying like weird [ __ ]. no I'm just joking oh she was just shot. uh accidentally they gave her like they.

gave somebody like they gave him a real. gun with bullets it wasn't blanks no it. was real bullets what the [ __ ] they gave. him a real gun and he just was like pop. Point Blank where didd he hit her in the. chest I'm not sure not good though. that's what I will say that's terrible. it's really terrible yeah I saw that I. saw like I saw someone no I'm not going. to be one of those guys that's like. don't make fun of it because it is just. it's just a wacky thing it's insane dude. yeah I would I I'm with you I was not.

gleeful no there's something that. happens like puppy research I saw that. and I yes yes yeah you liked it oh I. love anything I dude and I'll just be. honest I just don't like fouchy for. probably the reasons of my algorithm. also you know he probably also did kind. of he seems like he's been lying this. whole time um that's how I was with Penn. State with the child rap yeah exactly I. was I was a giddy yeah exactly this is a. very pen stady. situation it's dude they're coming out. now being like yeah you know Eco Health.

Alliance did do gain of functions. research but fouchy didn't know about. they're doing Fouch Joe didn't know. basically Joe didn't know f is just. gonna have to die of lung cancer in like. a month I'm gonna like I'm not going I'm. not going to be part of this I'm done. dude shout out to joea for that. apparently they Eco Health Alliance. tried to sell the virus to. DARPA which apparently is like people. are like yeah no they did try to do that. and Dara was like we're cool with this. yeah we don't want this [ __ ] we don't. want to use this by as a biow weapon. they right well I don't know anything.

that's going on I don't think anyone. possible to understand I'm just going. all from Rogan podcast dude it's time to. listen Rogan's still The Rock dude I. went back to I was listening to Rogan. last night I was listening to Sanjay. Gupta did you see that yeah I mean I I. had seen it I'd seen clips and I'd heard. Clips but then I listened to the whole. thing dude you see the bully right. before he had on before Gupta no who was. it this other guy he was he used to work. for the New York Times and he got kicked. off for just looking into the co stuff. oh dude's a man really he's a good boy I. don't like any of those Jos he's a good.

boy the good boys J with substacks are. usually good boys you get kicked off you. get a substack who was a substack some. people have substacks they're pretty bad. that are bad Jos really that are my. least favorite Jos really if you get a. substack dude that's. just yeah I hear you though it's like. having a patreon true you could be an. elite baller but yeah I if you watch. those two back to back dude I watched. those two and uh my mother-in-law called. me to get some scoop she like Matt I got. to know like how do you feel about this.

she's pissed I haven't got the jab yet. allegedly really yeah so she called me. be like I want to you know like what why. dude I was like six hours of just. interviews deep and I was just like. well yes felt pretty good felt felt good. I'm you know I'm not uh I'm not. slandering the lady she's she watched a. lot of CNN so I was able to hit like did. you hear about this I was listening to. Gupta and he had some decent points I. don't think I don't think the pro VX. people are totally wrong no it's for.

geezers it's a it's a gene therapy that. Geyers can go get if they want that. young people probably you know if they. want to get it they can they shouldn't. be forced yeah I just stand with Kyrie. Irving bro that's all Kyrie rules see. Floyd Mayweather came out support Kyrie. so did so did Chris Brown all the Bros. all the Bros dude it's not good dude. those are two dudes that have smacked. that [ __ ] up yeah this is true yes they. did but yeah a lot of a lot of the Bros. are coming out and uh and defending yeah. man yeah Kyrie gets a lot of [ __ ].

although he did believe the Earth was. flat for a minute okay could happen to. anyone could happen to. anyone yeah we're all an unpress dude we. we've all have like completely lost like. a big sliver of Sanity duude to. like dude the [ __ ] uh yeah I watch I. watched uh [ __ ] can't get you out of. my head again on YouTube yeah that final. episode just destroys me yeah I still. don't know what it's about I do but it's. the algorithm dude it's dude back to. that it's fully the algorithm yes we.

need to stop worrying about the. algorithm gini what the [ __ ] are you. doing all right yeah dude we got sucked. into like just military-grade. information technology out of nowhere. Facebook dude Facebook's I I think. Facebook's fake imploding what do you. think they're going to change their name. to you see that yeah I heard they're. going to change their name a little. revamp it's like a strip club where they. get like a shooting in the strip club. and they're like now we're Club Wizards. instead of Atlanta yeah it's [ __ ]. [ __ ] Club bullets yeah you want to. you want to use that analogy but yeah.

the um I think. Facebook I have a theory about Facebook. I think they are I think they had were. interfering with the cia's ability to. destabilize the Democracy like the. things of they're choosing so now. they're painting them as like no they're. harmful to other democracies because. before dude it must [ __ ] them up IM. think of how bad they were they had they. could have with like regular cable news. they could have came and like like. slammed us but now like all the. Facebooks all the Instagrams like it. really gets information out there people. want so I think right now they're saying.

like d did you read the things about. Facebook just like Facebook will come to. Congress and they're like people used uh. Facebook to do a bombing what do you. guys got to say for yourselves and. they're like um we're really sorry about. this we're looking into it they keep. getting crushed yeah they used it to. like abduct women in Yemen and they're. like they be like being mad at phones. yeah being like hey the you know the. Boston bombers used a a telephone to set. off an IED or something like that like. this is AT&T's fault yeah well I think.

no it's not so now they're well they're. saying though that the government wants. to regulate Facebook to make it like a. phone so they'd have full control over. it so I think the government is kind of. like yo this is yeah I don't know I. don't know anything about it I'm not I'm. a little torn on it I I purely I use. pure conjecture because when Twitter. banned Trump dog maybe it is time we. break up big Tech here yeah you're going. to silence my. dog we got to go to the truth platform. yeah Trump's got his own thing I've. getting a lot of texts about the truth. platform yeah you going on do you get.

those no I get political texts do you. really yeah I don't get them it's like. Shane how do you feel about joining the. truth.org or whatever dude truth. platform would be sick but apparently. people are saying that you can't make. fun of the platform on the truth. platform yeah this was urgent we need. your response will you join Trump's. social media platform yes or. no tap in dude tap in with the boy yo. tap in with the boy dude dude question. Trump's social media after months all.

caps months of being silenced all caps. Silence by big Tech giants like Marcus. Zuckerberg and Jack dorsy president. Trump is taking matters into his own. hands so he can freely speak directly to. the American people we ask you before. but. now we asked you before but now that. it's official we need to know will you. join Trump's social. media That's crazy dude that's crazy. that's gonna be so tight when Trump.

social media Trump social media is gonna. be so those things never work that well. no it's not gonna work they none of them. work yeah like Rumble Bumble they don't. whatever they're called they don't work. that well yeah yeah every time they come. out par yeah parlor I think was. literally just for the capital capital. Riot that was literally all that that. was used for really yeah yeah they come. out like this is going to be the new. Twitter and then everyone was like. January 6th that was it. shut it down flash mob I I always liked.

flash mobs before you. know before everyone storm the capital. dude they [ __ ] I just my I just look. dude when I walk past like government. buildings there's just such a sense of. all and respect for them yes like when I. walk past like the Harrisburg capital or. like watch what you say about the Harris. I do have respect if I saw you what. would you do if I walked in there sir. sir you can't I was like I would. literally say oh somebody open fire I'd. say he's got a gun. I would I would say this motherfucker's.

got a gun somebody shoot see I just just. like just climbed the fence I didn't do. anything I just climbed the fence say. help that guy just raped my. kid you shoot me somebody stop you just. shoot me if I walked if I could shoot. you I would if I saw you trying to. [ __ ] trespass on the Keystone. Capital that beautiful green Dome I just. ran in you got into the Rotunda right. past the metal detector I was. like ah you would be taken down I'm here. to pick up my realtor license from 14. years ago give it back. reinstate me the Market's [ __ ] hot is.

the market hot right now Market's hot as. hell dude in Philadelphia oh I got you. know I was a real tour well yeah I. remember you cried I cried a couple. times yeah the listings didn't go my way. it was a tough period of my life yeah. that's basically Navy heal training I. went out to my I a for yeah you would. have definitely become a Navy's heal. cried being a real cried dur cried being. a realer because I was I should have. been climbing a [ __ ] wall on a rope. dude what the [ __ ] am I doing with my. life dude selling these [ __ ] houses. yes I'd come out that like we're going. to go with someone else and I'll just go.

out in my Ford Contour 5p speed be. like [ __ ] so [ __ ] hard it's so. hard working I dude they soon as people. like yeah like I think we'll go with you. I'd go out and spend like a $1,500 on my. credit card and be like money they like. yeah we're going with someone else and I. [ __ ] oh my God. [ __ ] I beat that credit card dude Beat. It ass dude dude you can fully Guardian. you're 24 right you can fully Char. charge up a credit card right now dude. [ __ ] up a bag yeah there's nothing they. can do to you are you sure yes he's I.

lived it I lived it dude I don't know I. did it when I was 21 they don't after. seven years it just resets and my. credit's as good as ever never here what. I did bro I never paid anybody because I. figured I'm going to make a lot of money. doing standup and if I don't I'll just. kill myself there you go should do that. so you can just run up a tab and then be. like look if things don't work out and I. don't have enough money to pay you guys. back I will just kill myself tell them. tell DT right now but guys say look I'm.

going to pay you back in 15 years or. I'll I'm going to run the capital going. you guys support I'm I'm going to go. into the Harrisburg Capital get. executed I don't pay the C I got you got. to run in there call City Bank tonight. and be like guys I'm Wells Fargo if if. you guys keep pressuring me I might kill. myself and you know suicide thought that. would work yeah dude if you like I'm. recording this call be like if things. are really hard with the pandemic I. might [ __ ] kill myself a lot of. people have been killing themselves. really who's killing themselves I think.

a lot of people. dude I think I haven't been able to find. good stats on suicides but i' assume. they've been going up I'm pretty sure. they have yeah probably they typically. go up with drug overdoses as well you. know people are OD and people are. typically [ __ ] also licing yeah I. don't mind it we got to get the I don't. I'm not worried about those. numbers about people LIC themselves yeah. yeah I mean it's bad but it's not at the. top of your list no we got to Pro yeah I. mean I I do hear you on that I mean.

compared to people occupying government. buildings say suicide times yeah most. suicides it's always like if people. jumped off the capital then I'm. concerned then I'm like yo whoa whoa we. got to [ __ ] handle local jurisdiction. here yes you guys are impeding the. walkway most. suicides it's always like oh man it was. over a girl yeah like something where. you're just like oh dude give it a week. yeah true you would have been all right. but sometimes. like I'm I'm like Larry Bird where like. where like his dad killed himself and he.

was like he did what he had to do I'm. I'm devastated I lost the [ __ ] I got. bigger fish like I got the [ __ ]. Detroit Pistons to worry about like your. dad killed himself he's like well he did. what he had to do I understand I never. recovered from losing to Magic jum yeah. that's what it was that was it yeah uh. yeah man I mean dude I uh yeah again I'm. I'm with you I'm more interested in kind. of local politics yes than uh you know. people taking their lives taking their. own lives yeah I hear what you're saying. though I'm I'm a big individualist and.

you know it's like yeah I don't like it. for people to be like politics are. making me upset it's like dude yeah. don't [ __ ] kill yourself over that. [ __ ] definitely don't kill yourself over. that don't do that we need you dude we. need you in this fight we're going we're. going back in there we're going. back don't kill yourself brother don't. kill yourself brother I'll be at the. Harrisburg Capital can't get now I got. now I dude I have permanent Gutfeld let. me see this is how I am. normally dude you're not gut I'm the. next Gutfeld dude I'm a mix between fat.

[ __ ] stelter and. Gutfeld [ __ ] stealth Feld I am Greg. steeld. dude more like Greg gut. filled come on now that's pretty good. you getting ready for that. roast I'm I'm doing Lis Gomez's roast at. skankfest I'm just forcing Gardini to. write roast jokes I tried to think about. roast jokes for it ruined my day yeah I. don't want to do anything with roasts.

just be nice to them I was thinking. about killing them with kindness but I. know the second one of them says one. mean thing about me. f put the tennis shoes like oh Shane. it's good to see like a fat [ __ ] could. make it I'll be. like and it with a smile oh I'll yeah. I'll be full [ __ ] stelter smile up. there I might lose my mind up there I. don't think I can't do a r you should.

lose your mind I can't do a you trash. the whole set [ __ ] you got you should. walk off like hly guys like I've grown a. lot in these last couple years and I'm. just kind of I also considered not. showing up that could also be very funny. that'd be very funny just not do. it that'd be hilarious but then I won't. be able to defend myself from all the. mean things everybody's going to say. about me wait in the wings true and then. just come storm up like and see if they. don't say anything cuz I'm not there and. then be like actually I'm on it I'll go. last.

get the final word I don't want to say. mean things about these guys they're all. my friends yeah I know I don't know what. this is don't say anything mean and. every time they say something look at. just dude you should just mind [ __ ] you. should MK Ultra them the whole time just. go and be like yeah these guys are real. silly and when they say anything to you. just the [ __ ] yeah why would you say. that you should pull people aside the. whole time dude are you mad I'm going to. text them while they're up there are you. [ __ ] mad at. me yeah you should mind you should mind. [ __ ] them the whole time perhaps I will. dude go up there and be like this guy. man he's a crazy guy I love him but like.

you know you know he smokes a lot of pot. and you know like roast Gomez like you. know he's like a smokes a lot of pot and. does like Jiu-Jitsu thing I don't know. man it's all pretty funny to me yeah. yeah I don't I don't even can't think of. a mean thing to say about him it's mean. just nice guy him the whole time I've. considered it it's like like the whole. pot and Jiu-Jitsu thing he's crazy man. some he's like such a businessman too so. original wait podcasting pot and. Jiu-Jitsu. whoa this guy's a real original type of. guy. I can't think of one other famous.

podcaster that's into any of that stuff. now see I'm already and so what happened. was when I thought about the roast I. literally spent a full day you got. defensive saying the meanest things I. could about every one of my friends yeah. it's mean they don't crazy bad feeling I. was mad I was mad at them I was your. story I was literally walking around. like [ __ ] Joe list wants to talk [ __ ]. like it's just cuz we're on the same. roast you're storing nukes right now. yeah but they're not funny they're just. like North Korea you're developing I am.

very North Korean you're developing a. nuclear program yeah it's just it's not. going to work they're going like 5 feet. in yeah I'm just be like you're [ __ ]. piece of. [ __ ] yeah I'm not I'm not good at roasts. I don't like them I think they're. foolish it'd be fun if we were. roasting you know someone famous yeah so. we're just this is punching down true. there you go roasting Lewis that's the. whole time just don't I don't like. punching down dude I'm not going to. roast any of you don't punch down that's. the biggest roast of all time yeah I'm.

above all this now now they're going to. get the F they're watching the tapes. dude they're going to see what you're up. to they're not going to watch this crap. true fair. enough what else is going on oh Louis. and you got married those two things two. big things dude yeah two big devel no we. got to talk about what's going on in. this country but yeah dude we did have. to cover the news cover the news now. that we cover the news we can get into. social life stuff true we uh yeah I got. married um it's fantastic dude it was. fun yeah so happy it's over Dude I mean. it's not I was trying to like everyone.

the whole time was like bet it's best. night of your life and it's like yeah I. saw you stressing out like grabbing bags. of ice and [ __ ] dude you were the. caterer I ran the whole [ __ ] show we. we just rented a venue my mom the whole. time dud that was the thing that killed. me the most my mom's like you don't want. to do it yourself let other people do it. I'm like Mom it's easy dude it's just. [ __ ] party for 278 people big number. that was a big number you did have a big. wedding I would I expect nothing less. from you though you go big I go big bro. you're real humble but behind this. you're a big shot go big whoa dude Big.

Shot kingpin drug. dealer I do have the Tony Montana you're. bit of a Tony Montana that's why the. envelope the envelope I gave. you that's cuz I thought you were big. time Big Shot drug dealer Kingpin. instead I just have a mountain of nugs. on my desk and I'm like smelling oh dude. the TP oh the TP you don't get shot in. the back it's just your wife comes down. like what are you doing like why does it. smell like Pat in here the babysitters. here and I'm like. ah so instead of say alone a little.

friend I'm like shut up stop [ __ ]. bothering me dude can I liked you who. was the preacher who was the my boy Bob. your boy. Bob he has a very strong Philly accent. oh yeah and it made me laugh he's a good. boy he was up there he was hand chosen. dude he knew he'd be fantastic oh he's. great he he did a wonderful job it's. just he has a funny accent oh yeah no. one in the wedding your side of the. family baded than I yeah but me and. everybody from Chicago was.

like like Yay I'll Now Pronounce You. guys man and woman's dude he's going be. loving this yeah he's a funny guy I hung. out with him after he's great he's the. [ __ ] man he's what the. [ __ ] yeah dude he's uh what's up with. his chocolate dude he's a very funny bro. there was a story he was going to tell I. I don't know I didn't tell it there was. one time back in the day yeah everybody. got those so people were getting jokes. in up there bro there was one time got. silly up there I hate being silly up. there I went to his apartment I went to.

his apartment one time I used to back. way back in the day I used to sell the. GU nugs so one time that was how that's. how I know him priest that was that was. my preacher everyone thought he was a. priest he's like I'm not a [ __ ]. priest so I used to sell him nugs and I. his his point was like a like a. strategic location for me because it's. like halfway between Philly and you know. the rest of the suburbs and uh one time. I went in there and I was like there was. like a cop it's like a just like a dude. in a car just sitting in his parking lot. so I just left like 2 PBS of weed in his. apartment I called him I was like yo bro. I left something in your house I'll be.

back later to get it and he went back I. was like what the [ __ ] what the [ __ ] I. was like just relax bro I'll be back. there was a [ __ ] Dodge Durango in the. parking lot I didn't know who it was uh. yeah that's how you could have got him. killed dude nah dude it wasn't like that. but then some guy his could have been a. no knock warrant dude across the street. true storing drugs at a guy's house and. get him killed true it was for like four. hours he'd be like Yay what are you. doing here sh me oh man it's just po go. yeah he' been the meal of ch like. cheering for the Eagles like bir oh yeah.

the birds are all yeah dude the uh then. some guy died across his hallway how I. don't know I was using his apartment all. the time and one day on all that damn. pot you've been no he was heroin dude. dude died the dude died schlumped I. think against the door it's one way to. go I was like yeah was like the block Su. hot bro I can't be St I can't be yeah. man but yeah it was funny he called me. he was like what the [ __ ] it's it's. stunk dude the whole apartment I used to. wreak that building out so hard dude. what the [ __ ] ww man I was a wagan. man Big D I've been a [ __ ] Island.

I've been an island you have been an. island boy been an island boy I was more. of a rude boy than a shata I wasn't a. shata yeah you were not a shata I wasn't. top shata top shata dude pull out them. I've always been a bit of a Boss Man. Boss Man top sh I was a rude boy top. shata pull out them things bro yeah. Gardini is more of a shata you a quiet. shata no I'm a I'm a Dutty boy you a dty. boy yeah like what what do you do this. dut I just get down and Duty with.

it you're you're a duty boy I'm a duty. boy the type of dirty things you've been. doing. lately um have you has your penis. cleared up a little you've been slowed. down last time I year you were beating. your penis so hard he had a wound giving. a rug burn you giv her penis and noie. yeah now it's okay I thing said Uncle. then [ __ ] let it go it's okay it's. healed how horny are you right now at. this moment I'm not very horny but I did. rub one out before you you picked me up. how soon before little Afternoon Delight.

no it was a morning. treat really yeah well were you uh what. were you watching on just pornography. like what specifically I was watching. answer in 10 seconds or gay Point you're. lying dude answer it I was watching a. busty mature natural really and a little. Humper you guys know I a little Humper. wow so you're in matures yes you're Ro. you're like Roman who's Roman from uh. succession uh I don't know succession. it's a good show you'd like it very good. show you might be a little ramulus dude.

yeah a bit of a ramulus yeah I'm a duty. boy I'm a little Humper so you like the. matures yes what's his name in that show. is a mccusker the oldest brother the. oldest brother is 100 it's funny uh I. think Billy one of you guys was talking. about like which character each guy was. you're all the oldest brother you're all. like I think I'm running for president. everyone's like dude just stay the [ __ ]. out of the. way well that's that's that's a crazy. thing to say you're the most powerful. man in the world right now. yeah every time he looks like Tom too a.

little bit yeah he looks like a mixture. of Tom and Kevin yes yeah that dude is. hilarious yeah we all had a big thing of. who was who and yeah yeah I remember. that and then I was like you guys are. all just the oldest brother I know. everyone we get Kendall week to week. like oh you're [ __ ] kendle who's. Billy Billy's not in that show Billy's. ramulus dude true he is a bit of a. Billy's [ __ ] rul like Loki dude he's. a real trickster Billy is Loki dude yeah. he might be the trickster he's a. trickster guy you're a Thor. th I can see that I appreciate you. saying with your hair you're Thor bil.

Loki appreciate you saying that Tom and. Kevin are just the oldest brother from. succession um I'm the sister I'm the I'm. the girl I'm that girl you're the girl. definitely yeah I can I can see that I. can see that shiv shiv yeah what a show. huh dude that show is fantastic that's. my favorite show how how else what else. happened at your wedding um what. happened I yeah so I came back from. taking pictures and. dude I I just like set the whole thing. up the four I spent four days dude I.

rented a. U-Haul picked up like thousands of. dollars of alcohol dropped it all off it. was pretty intense I I will say dude I. developed a serious affinity for. U-Hauls like I want to buy one just just. to carry stuff just to drive dude that. U-Haul is fresh as hell yeah those are. cool H that [ __ ] U-Haul we could set. up a studio in the back of one of those. U-Haul that' be prettyy tight D I'm. telling you man if I'm in a if I'm. driving a 12 passenger van I'm like it. makes me pretty happy. really just rattling around in that. thing M brought me back to my beard.

distributor days when I loaded dude I. went to first of all I don't want to be. on record you should blur out my face. for this went to Total Wines in. Delaware loaded up the alcohol oh you. went out of state alabone bro allegedly. Lely bro real boot Leo boot Leo man dude. yeah dty boy Philadelphia Pennsylvania. is 18% tax that's why I'm going to storm. the [ __ ] Pennsylvania Capital 18% C. you're not allowed to say that today's. no we're not allowed to make jokes on. podcast today's police date yeah right.

I'm not going to go in I'm going to. storm the outside you can stor I can. storm the outside going to storm it I'm. going to run up and go and just stop. like a vampire at the door you should. dress like Storm from X-Men I might and. go to the capital Sil dude I'm I'm going. to charge like. no got you run up no just kidding yeah. I'm going to protest 18% [ __ ]. punching cops no dude [ __ ] blue lives. that's blue lives dude yeah true I might. sucker hug them from behind Kidd grab.

their gun and hug them I was just. kidding thank you for your service. [ __ ] kill me right now dude yeah you. won [ __ ] kill me I wish you would. [ __ ] kill me I'm going to suicide by. cop at the. Capital One lady did she did she pulled. it off why her why did they shootter I. don't know but I watch that video. sometimes and it it's funny fires you up. it's no it's it's funny to get the lady. [ __ ] the lady that gets shot by the guy. did she get C shot in the gut somewhere. up top right in the tummy dude. the guy from like me to you is like pop.

black it's it's just a wacky time I. don't think it's a good thing I think I. don't like any of course you know State. murder which is that was what that was. it's Mass psychosis um dude oh so all. right so let's talk about the wedding. dude stop talking about the goddamn. Capital ever since I saw Ray EPS I've. been fired up true so I'm in the U-Haul. I got the case of beards taking me back. to the. [ __ ] days where I was a beer delivery. man where I was a delivery man so I'm d. driving dude I forgot I used dude so I. would drive the beard uh delivery van I.

pass the uh Art Museum dude I forgot. what a secret [ __ ] Bruce I was I'm I. have like secret Bruce Springsteen Vibes. that I used to do this all the time like. when I I drove the beer van one time. like I was cutting through the art. museum and I remember being in college. going into the art museum to deliver. beer and all my classmates were in this. like art class looking at like paintings. I I would like I remember it took such a. perverse pleasure in like going through. and being like yeah I'm just over here. trying to make it and me yeah what are.

you guys doing over here I'm at my job. right now I us to love that dude I know. that you I used to [ __ ] love course. you love that dude I didn't realize how. like seriously I like I dude yes I. remember your favorite thing I saw the. girl there and was like easily your. favorite thing I'm just a humble worker. nothing was handed to me I I remember. seeing a girl and just being totally. delighted to like she's like what are. you doing I was like I got to get this. beer down to the center just delivering. things delivering this beer what are you. guys looking at oh man don't I don't. understand this stuff don't take don't.

take this for granted honey you got to. learn hey guys stay in school honey oh. must be nice to study things like this. beautiful paintings where do I get this. millerite too or you could do the old. [ __ ] uh [ __ ] uh Goodwill Hunting. You' be like oh. garageio beautiful painter I have to I. have to get back to delivering this Stu. these Koreans gonna beat the [ __ ] out of. me honey these goddamn Koreans on my. dick better not shut yeah dude dude then. one time I was coming home from work I. was in like one of those full like head.

totoe jumpsuits and I saw Good Feeling. wearing those you know what you know. what hurt my feelings when I worked in a. factory I wore a big jumpsuit like that. yeah and all the guys called me Charlie. Weiss a big fat guy that's [ __ ] up no. they knew I like not D and they were all. dumb Penn State white trash ah that. stinks and I guy called me Charlie Weiss. while I was wearing one of those. jumpsuits dude I saw one of the uh it's. mean of them yeah it's talk with me I. was I was coming home in one of those. like snowman suits and I was covered in.

just soot and I saw some comedians at. one time and I took a break from Comedy. like oh what's up Matt and I was like. hey guys I wish I could be doing a. comedy with you guys but you know got to. make hands meet I feel like waking up in. the middle of the night it's I got so. many thoughts in my head yeah just. bruing out you are Bruce you're secret. Bruce bruing dude I'm surprised you. didn't did you park the car to show them. you were in the jumpsuit while they were. no dude I just happened to behind them. although I dude I wouldn't put that past. myself oh [ __ ] those hey guys how's. comedy going it must be nice to have a.

dream I'm on this other side of town. working for my dad yeah dude I was just. I was laughing in the car like dude I. used to Bruce so hard sorry guys got to. go to work you love Bruce I work for. electrician twice a week it is a nice. feeling bruing on someone is nice D Bru. [ __ ] Bru is nice being like dude yeah. art museum with a dolly like a jack of. like Tommy and Conor Bruce me constantly. it's the best man what are you playing. video games we were just at the gym man. it was so hard hey man hey little girl.

yeah I'd love to have sex with that girl. but I'm [ __ ] work in the night. shift it was just me talking to myself. for an hour to Big F pretty funny pretty. fun yay little girls Christmas time this. is like the first day I'm not hung over. since your wedding oh I was devastated. dude yeah I had a like planning hang. took I took an at all True full it was. are cool then it was drink time do you. go full Guff you take the taking adal.

weddings is this guy an [ __ ] I. figured you were going to have to you. flew overnight true I had a show with. Louis CK man I wish I could have been at. the rehearsal but I was on tour with. Lou I was on tour with my idol and the. greatest comedian of all time Louis. CK boy he still got it his new hour oh. my God ma it's ridiculous bro that's. Mone that's. is oh Maron is it Mone or it is m a d o.

n Maron Maron that's that's they used to. see 16year olds that's where that saying. comes from really in Old Italy back in. the day in like the 16 1700s you'd find. the hottest chick and you'd make her. sing religious songs and everyone would. be like madad they all go from their. guts and go I'm GNA [ __ ] that girl. singing a Maria you would see dude that. was the pad that's what's what. Primadonna is yeah madon yeah sings you. get like you find the hottest chick and. you're like On Eagle's Wings go and.

you're like oh my God I'm gonna that. would get me going dude oh my God are. you kidding me especially if I was just. working I was in the olive. fields and then the beautiful Maria. comes over and sings to me now it's just. [ __ ] what's his name that was The. Godfather beautiful girl she sings. That's Where Bruce came from dude. yeah I was on tour with Lou dude I wish. I'm sorry I missed your rehearsal I was. just on tour dude it happens bro then I. had to fly across country that night red. eye yeah straight to the wedding Dam.

direct did you take half his Xanax and. pass out no I was offered to Xanax. really not by Lou of course somebody. else I said I can't do that such a bad. idea yeah cuz I had to literally go to. your wedding yeah did you ever take a. Xanax and wake up the next morning no. it's a weird feeling I don't like taking. drugs I took I took one Xanax once I did. take one Xanax once I was slanging bars. dude I was young though I was a young. man I was young and two yeah so it. didn't do much to me I didn't day I just. fell asleep and woke up and was like. kind of stumbling I'm like damn that bar.

had me [ __ ] up when I look down at the. toys dude that's an all-timer that's a. great joke making toys have G making. toys have sex is the alltime dude it is. a very funny joke uh so anyway but the. tour was tight yeah dude it was the. coolest [ __ ] ever first night was in San. Diego walk out on stage and it's a. theater so it was it was quite. intimidating but then after that I was. good after the first night I was good. good first one was San Diego went out. with some troops hung out with some.

troops afterwards shout out to those. boys I won't name them obviously can't. give up their names true for national. security purposes it's classified bro. but uh it was a good hang that's awesome. it's funny to hang out with the troops. yeah once you find out they're just boys. literally like going out with 10 ginis. that are all just jacked and they like. yo let's [ __ ] go really think their. birds have carpet burn on them no I. don't think they do it that these boys. aren't fing. they're Warriors bro are true Warriors. they're not going to M they're not their.

[ __ ] parents house beating their dick. till it's. red they're out serving our country. they're not at home whacking off and. fishing you better thank them thank the. troops yo thank the troops right now for. let thank you for doing what they do so. you can sit around and whack offish for. sharing your country so I can whack off. and make [ __ ] silly videos online. make silly videos with your older Pals. two old [ __ ]. weirdos I always feel so weird when I. see. I called your dad Mr G you saw him today.

oh dude I was that was my wedding plan. Mr M that was going to be my speech at. your wedding I was going to be like Mr. and Mrs M dude you should have you. should have just said that I panicked on. the wedding speech you did good I was. happy with the speech you did very good. thank you the wedding was lit I wish I. could have been more lit I was so tired. dude yes from basically planning and. executing yes dude at like no the. wedding was lit dude that was the one. good it was fun I I did everyone had fun. I was you know I'm not going to lie I. was very very excited to just go home. and lay down I was I was shattered dude.

at 600 p.m. it did feel good dude. wearing a three-piece suit and like. walking up to people like why isn't. there ice I started bossing I was. bossing people hard see that looked good. on you I had a bit of a tight suit I was. walking around in a fat vest a vest that. the buttons were hanging on for dear. life dude you can't give orders when. you're wearing fat that's like a. railroad Tycoon yeah but theirs is well. fitted mine looked I literally while I. was getting I was so angry when I was. getting dressed just got off the plane.

yeah picked up that [ __ ] put on the. suit that was I was totally not fitted. at all yeah and uh while I was getting. dressed I was looking in the mirror I. was like I literally look like a. [ __ ] guy your suit look F going as. James Bond for Halloween that's what I. was fine dude the jacket was snug that's. the only problem jacket was extremely. snug you should have got a um. corset you you could have gotten a. corset and just [ __ ] a cumber bun. yeah I should have got a cumber got. cumber bun yeah just tightened up well.

anyway I didn't let it bother me I took. an ader all and I blacked out yeah there. you go and I was up until 3:30 in the. morning really it was a wild time with. big Bill big me and big Billy got a. little silly and I didn't know he was up. to other things exactly thought he had. some mushies you thought he was drinking. so I saw Billy Billy was on wobbly legs. dude Billy won that night that was. Billy's night to be honest complete. victory for Bill won bill was on wobbly. legs and I thought here's a good chance. to scare Bill straight and get him out. of drinking for good cuz he's been.

partying lately and I don't like that. dude he's a party boy so I saw him on. wobbly legs and I was like dude he's one. or two shots away from a blackout so I. said bill you and me dude I love you so. much let's do some shots I bullied him. into like four shots he took him but he. was on mushrooms he wasn't drunk at. that's what I saw the wobbly legs yep I. was drunk but I didn't know it cuz the. adero you sank yourself I was. obliterated you thought he had water in. his boat I thought I thought he did and. I I it was a trap he did he was Master.

and Commander you ever see when they put. the wrong flag up and I approached and. then then he put the real flag up and I. was like oh [ __ ]. CH and then I I uh went to helium and. humiliated myself in front of the new GM. did you really what happened I was just. blacked out you're in a suit dress like. a dumb fool good I looked like a goddamn. fool no way dude and then uh I have no. idea how I got back to my hotel really I. walked back or I have no idea how I. remembered what room I was in I don't. know how I got there I must must have.

asked it was a phone Le operation that. was a [ __ ] 1800 babe that's 100 babe. no according to her that there was no. Communications she in headquarters I. just walked. in oh walked in and got after. it that's what's. up really I'm not going to say anything. no you don't have to I'm you're healed. up I'm not much of a kiss and tell type. guy you're healed up. so you're all healed up oh I've been.

I've been healed up guys p is fine. good speaking of James Bond yeah I saw. James Bond who the new movie there's a. new James Bond black guy no oh the last. the new7 is an African-American woman or. African British woman really there's a. last James Bond this James Bond just. came out that is he spoiler alert he. does pass away he. dies yes finally yeah it's about [ __ ].

time who gets him uh his own ships does. a screen go red and everything yeah well. definitely spoiler alert I definitely I. gave away the whole movie but I will say. this if you watch that movie and you. enjoy it you're a [ __ ] [ __ ] so. spoiler on that it was that bad I was. fuming the whole movie dang dude there's. one part where a bad guy the new 007 is. a black lady mhm fine totally fine yeah. I didn't even notice to be honest. totally fine with. me damn so they skipped Idris Ela and.

gave it to a lady yeah we'll see we'll. see if she's the next one she is the. actual new 007 so James Bond retired and. they gave the 007 title to a new agent. who happens to be an African-American. woman kickass super spy African-American. woman and uh yeah obviously I mean I. like don't even notice but I feel like. I'm like more excited too than anything. like I was stoked dude I couldn't even I. was so excited when I found out yes when. she exposed that she was7 I was.

like in the theater like yes I was with. my woman she heard me go oh. yes it's about time it's about time. [ __ ] finally it's about time [ __ ]. finally I remember being a young boy. watching I was playing golden ey7 on 64. and I was like I wish this was a [ __ ]. black lady I was playing with. us uh but there's a part where 007 the. new african- american7 woman what are. you farting. dude we're talking about black7 you're. farting I'm excited dude my [ __ ].

gastrointestinal track is like oh [ __ ]. get out everything I need to take this. there's a guy so the whole thing is. about a biological weapon really yeah. and uh what kind I don't know but. there's it it gets into your DNA it. [ __ ] your DNA up and you can it kills. like people you're related to so this. guy is bragging to black7. Lady uh I could exterminate your entire. race if I wanted to and she goes. it's time to die and then kicks him into. a bunch of.

acid wait so they're and I was just. sitting there just like God [ __ ] damn. it. dude even in7 a guy's like I'd like to. exterminate your race I was like yeah OD. job was trying to kill black people yeah. one of the guys was trying to kill black. people well he I don't even think he was. I think he just tossed it in there to be. like hey just so you know I could do. that and she said not. today kicked him into a thing with like. high heels was she wearing heels yeah it. was all cool I was very upset but one. thing that did cheer me up was there was.

a gigantic fat guy that used a scooter. to come in and watch and uh fantastic I. liked he was in my line of sight yeah so. I saw James Bond which is basically a. cologne commercial for two and a half. hours really it's literally a perfume. it's just a gorgeous dude driving cool. cars with Daniel Craig right yeah it. it's just it's crap yeah it's [ __ ]. crap I was never big on James Bond I was. never either loved the video game video. game I mean that's just you with your. boys Elite yeah that game [ __ ] I'm.

talking about the movies I've never like. never cared for them I I like I'm pumped. on Dune I want to see Dune I hope it's. good I saw Dean you saw Dane I saw Dean. was it good uh don't spoil here's what. I'll say I won't spoil I promise you. sure I promise you dude you told me you. want to see it I won't spoil it uh I saw. D but I watched it in on the tour bus. with Louis yeah was probably initial. release or was early release it was. early relas we got. we got early and uh they all didn't like.

it and criticized it the entire time and. I had to sit there and be like yeah this. does suck did you see the or did they. see the original yes so they like. they're more of a David Lynch guys Lou. tried to argue that the original was. better and then we turned on the. original and it's a load of [ __ ] you're. not a big David Lynch fan as soon as we. started watching I was like this is dog. [ __ ] just so you know the other one was. at least looked cool really Dune looks. cool you got to see Dean I'm going to. see Dean I'm I'm reading the book really. I heard the book stinks to read no I. heard it's awesome I heard it's very.

difficult to read I mean it's a little. diff are you listening or reading. reading yeah I heard it stinks that's. pretty good you like it so far I've only. read a little bit of it but I like it. it's all about like a dude sitting there. tapping into his Consciousness that was. the first book I read after I did the. five grams of mushrooms I like sat in a. bathtub and was like I think I made a. mistake I feel weird and I cracked open. Dune it was like you must Center your. awareness I was like [ __ ] yeah dude I'm. back online I was like this [ __ ] rules. true yeah you're gonna like dun a lot. yeah it's pretty sick you are gonna like. Dune the Iraqis yeah yeah I will say.

though watching a gigantic fat guy in a. motorized scooter watch James Bond drive. like a beautiful sports car around like. the Cliffs of Italy you think he was. hugging the ramp on the way out yeah he. was like just and 90° turns I don't know. if it made me sad or happy what aenny F. gu just watching a Daniel Craig and. supermodel as [ __ ] in front of just a. fat guy that's like anytime he lean over. the whole cart would like shift he was. getting candy and stuff he was [ __ ]. Crush candy you had a basket of candy at. that point you just got to see what you.

know see where it takes you yeah there. got to be something pretty liberating in. being that fat it's always weird when. people fat Max too I've seen people who. eat like they should be 400 lbs but. their body's just like nah buck stops. here buddy yeah we're just going to form. tumors it's pretty impressive we're out. of fat we're just going to make tumors. now yeah you're going to be like an old. black lab here in no time just covered. in [ __ ] tumors isn't that fun when. you go to someone's house and they have. a dog just covered just lumped out. lumped up dude oh my God yeah you see. him at the dog just put him down dude I. was petting some guy's dog the other day.

I saw a tumor and I I regretfully was. like like I saw it coming out the bottom. was like oh [ __ ] man had like a devil. horn had like a single Devil horn out of. his head dogs get [ __ ] tumored up get. crushed you got to let him go well. they're eating like imagine if you just. ate cereal your whole life I went on a. solid run did you yeah [ __ ] K through. 12 that was a cereal man that's true. that's true I loved cereal yeah man it's. so [ __ ] and then no in by the time I. went to I switched my whole life was. cereal M almost exclusively cereal and.

then I switched to chicken wings and. I've been eating them since damn around. 11th grade I switched to chicken wings. just wings so I went from cereal my. whole life and now I'm on a chicken wing. phase so you just you were crushing. there was nice crushing like 30 wings at. Hooters when you're 17 yeah that was. [ __ ] I did that recently with that. that phone call we had with that lady oh. you about business hand I was at a. Hooters by an. airport that's what's up just eaten like. I actually counted I had 17 of those. breaded Wings really I felt awful yeah.

dude I ate 30 when I was thought I could. eat wings I was just counting Wings. they're not Wings they're not regular. Wings they breed breed bro and I was. destroyed I atat 30 when in like the. prime of being able to eat shitty stuff. and I felt sick I remember being like. that wasn't a good idea no that was a. bad idea I don't like spread wings I. don't I like those they're good A little. bit of them are good I like the naked. Wings bro your grandma loves Hooters. wings yeah we go to Hooters every mother. what's your grandma say about the AL the. attire my oh the scantily clad women.

yeah no she she doesn't even know she's. just there for the food hon care yeah me. neither I don't know True by today's. standards Hooters waitress's outfits are. no longer that [ __ ] that's why they. try to they try to uh czy yeah they try. to spice them up and now girls are like. what I'm not wearing this that's what. they wear all day yeah walk out walk. outside you're going to see a thousand. Hooters girls they've all become dirty. [ __ ] nothing bro that dude just taking. like a your average just poorn old young.

man that gini's age addicted are you. addicted I'm not addicted if you go to. if you go to Hooters are you going if. you go to Hooters are you like why do. these girls have vaginas what do you. mean a guy like you addicted to porn oh. no I'm not the fact that these girls. don't have penises you're probably like. what the [ __ ] AB boring you're not. projecting here at all not into that bro. not into that the phallic mother not in. yeah I transcended it fully you you.

watch do you watch torn no but I did. want to confess to you guys I did not. watch mature Naturals before I knew you. [ __ ] did it I masturbated to a lady. that I know that works at Hooters and. has an Instagram. account she's like she's like really. pretty and she does dances in her. Hooters uniform and I've been watching. your content a lot. lately but your Naturals is such. whenever someone says that I'm like no. you didn't yeah nobody watches mature. Naturals well you were accusing me a gay. I had to get out of it but I was just I.

was justif fire you up Sean I support. whatever you watch I'm like little nax's. dad basically I support you in whatever. Journey you take actually if you were to. become gay Sean would be very good for. us so true think about that I'm a. homosexual the uh I am homosexual. gentlemen I am homosexual D you will. blow up dude I'm going to do it do do. you take Everyone by storm about to blow. so you whacked off to a lady's Instagram. this morning yes and is that a crime. it's worse it's not a crime Instagram.

masturbating cuz I think everybody does. it but it's frown upon to admit no one. does that Shane you I don't whack off. the. Instagrams n man I don't [ __ ] porn a. click away yeah me neither I mean it's. fair I know someone who I'm not I'll be. honest I'm not going to lie to you. Instagrams have Jarred one loose and. fired me up and then that brings me to. pornh h i someone I don't stay on the. [ __ ] Instagram I think you horny. devil you try to find a lady that looks. like the dude so I know someone who used. to double window they would go Facebook.

profile I can't announce them they would. go are there initials mm no not me it's. not me at all I was never into like the. real life like I yeah it feels violating. to whack off to somebody's social media. I was I had bigger fish to fry. pornographically I was in I was in the. deeper waters yeah you were out with the. tee yeah I was on the te you even deep. in the te dude I'm telling you I don't. know what happened I just and I'm I'm. saying this I I have no face to save on. the issue I'm just I'm not into it t. porn yeah yeah of course it was a phase. it was like d wel to the Brotherhood.

you're officially straight yeah bro but. I feel like you have to at at least test. the water to know otherwise until you go. head on I I went head on I did test I. tested the waters when you told me about. it and I got a toe in I said that's just. too hot well the problem is here's the. thing I'm I'm [ __ ] hot blooded I'm a. heterosexual male I see long hair and. tits in my body it's not even me my. body's like oh yeah yeah true and then. you're like there a penis and you go and. you see a couple clavicles Madam's. apples and a guy when he's coming. going with long hair all a sudden he.

looks like a. hulkamaniac the wig turns around it. looks like the animal from Muppets yeah. it's no good yeah I don't know what it. was man I think it was I think my my. psyche was searching for completeness. that's why it was more of like a. collective unconscious thing where it. was like I was tapping into this. intelligence outside of myself yeah. something or you just kind of whacking. off the kind of gay stuff I got maybe. but the fact that I'm not into it. anymore put it the fact I mean you could. you could put it that way I'm like dude. I'm like little nzx dude it's like. you're you're you're you know you're hit. me with uh you're boozy badass dude I'm.

a bit of a. boozy dude I'm telling you I think. there's way way no I'm Jack harlo dude I. call Jack harlo I think there's true you. me basically are Lil nzx and Jack Jack. har I would dud I would definitely agree. to it I think there's way more dudes I. think it's a silent epidemic and I don't. think this is a projection silent. epidemic of dudes whacking the teeth. torn I think it's way more and I think. the data of web searches reflects this. lot of Bros out there just [ __ ] and. dude I support you you're trying to. reach psychological wholeness dude but I.

got to tell you it's not the move that. may be how get to n it's not the move. it's a red pill moment because if you. want to fully pursue it you got to adopt. like a ladies of Thailand like lifestyle. dude where it's you your son all you got. to do is go yeah you're the girls are. sexy all you got to do is go like d. yellow and white socks D realize this. tan dude these are my Hospital socks why. are you wearing two different socks CU. that's I had you are a little NX you're. a bit of a fashionista dude of course. bro you're pretty cool I'm going to suck.

the devil's dick dude. hey hey I'm gonna suck the devil's dick. and my dad's gonna have my back whoa my. dad would not have my back if I sucked. the devil's dick yeah that's what you. don't want to do that's literally if. when you have a son you know that Chris. Rock bit about keeping your daughter off. the pole yeah as a father with a son you. got to make sure your son never sucks. the devil's dick never ends up on. National Television sucking the devil's. dick. that's when you're kind of like yeah. maybe I [ __ ] up a little no that's. that's what you are Boosy dude booy.

badass so I think little nzx was like. I'm gonna do a song with booy and booy I. think said something like like hell no I. a't [ __ ] with no [ __ ] fruit cake. [ __ ] I think he said like kill. yourself like kill yourself and then Boo. and then little NZ X's dad came out and. was like we're the real Bankhead we're. the winners we're the Champions hip hop. has passed you booy like basically like. [ __ ] you came out and like crushed booy. and booy came out and said I'd be mad as. hell too if my son came out like that.

hit him with one of those dude and it's. that's where it stands the beef stands. there who you cheering for you cheering. for Lil. nzx I don't know I mean dude I wanted I. almost had her song Britney almost had. her song uh one of the little n xes. like and I thought that song I dude she. was yelling at me cuz I I literally. thought the lyrics were ever since I. been gay it's been Gan ever since I. began I thought it was ever since I've.

been gay so I was singing that all the. time she like this not the NYC uh so. industry baby industry baby that's what. it's called now here's what I want to. show you about this because this gets me. a lot I listen to this song I like this. song it's on my cool playlist that I. listen to but the art for it that they. play on the background of Spotify just. him eating [ __ ] you up if you're in. public and you start listening to this. song Whoa. that's the video it's just this on. repeat so you'll take your phone out. while you're listening to this on like.

the Subway or something. like Jesus Jesus H Christ so what do you. think do you think do you think that. should be on like prime time TV just gay. dud afrian American men dancing in a. shower any men I didn't notice were they. black were they black I didn't even. notice oh they were colored. mat that's the question that's the. question you got to ask yes just having. just like you turn on Fox and Friends.

and it's just like oh let's you're just. trying to have a nice day and you're. trying to watch the five before dinner. and all of a sudden you got a bunch of. guys ass naked in a prison shower did. you guys ever see the story of the like. the Dr Umar Johnson guys complaining. because Jack hara's the only white guy. and he gets yo I'm with Dr Umar Johnson. on that I was Furious rules I don't know. if it was him specifically but you know. black I think I think little NX was. being a bit White suprem IST with that. video of him on that's my favorite new. thing calling black eyes white. supremacist that's what they hit. Chappelle with white white privil said.

he was using his white privilege he. was he. was I think he. was yeah dude that was uh CNN [ __ ]. gives me the willies dude scares that's. spooky stuff with their up there well. here's the thing dude when I see when I. see black men going against the. mainstream media narrative my instinct. is to be like stop being white you black. [ __ ] and agree with me that's what they. that's what they do a white guy dares to. go off the think Kyrie Irving if a white.

guy dares to go away from like big. corporate agenda I justifiably say you. [ __ ] white piece of [ __ ] yes you're. not black anymore that's what they do. yeah they strip you of being black they. try to align you with I mean literally. the president said that yeah if you. don't vote for me you're not black dude. it's pretty. crazy really makes you think when you. watch this podcast. I was I saw we were joking about the. capital stuff we're not going to storm.

anything no I'm not and neither of us. are Republicans no I hate Donald Trump. but I am a homosexual uh we're just gay. as hell dude I hate. Trump if he comes back dude it's going. to be just likees back we're gonna be in. Groundhog's Day Forever Until Joe Biden. and Trump die that's what we're in dude. I told you I watched can't get you out. of my head again every [ __ ] day we're. in just everyone's outraged not that you. need a documentary to notice everyone's. outraged every day but none of it's real. no no one cares none of it is no one. none of it's real that's what Chappelle.

was saying he's like dude no gay none of. my gay friends are pissed yeah it's just. corporate interest this is this is the. fact I think isn't there something like. Twitter has like millions of bots. there's a bunch of fake people just like. probably being paid to there's people go. here's the narrative we want to push. here's the means to accomplish it and. they you can if you have enough money. dude you can literally you know like. Warren Buffett can sway the stock market. if you have enough money you can enter. points of discourse and opinions and. give them like a say and you know I. think what was the Stanley milligram.

experiment with The Obedience 73% of. people what was it I was thinking about. this 73% of people raised the electric. shock to a near fatal level because an. expert was telling so that's you know. that's an experiment but you could say. easily conservatively I heard the. Stanford Prison Experiment was a bit of. a bit of a fraud oh it was CRA it was. bll it was crazy yeah I heard they bsed. it but the mgrm experiment I think. wasn't it an old [ __ ] that did that one. most like I mean that's that's [ __ ]. fantasy like I'm the B you guys get in. your I think this D godamn industry. baby's still up last thing I want to do.

is get a. horny be honest when mon when you saw. Montero like the ways he moved his butt. were you like tricked into thinking it. was a girl for a second Lil n x is cute. he's a cutie I mean cuty and I like his. music and I think he's funny and sucking. the devil's dick something fun to. do I don't have kids so I don't care. what these [ __ ] do I mean dude I. don't think it'll I if I had a baby girl. or a baby boy and I turn on TV and so. God damn I don't think it'll affect your. daughter I don't I mean your son here's. a thing too and I will say this and. maybe this is a wrong take but the trans.

Community if anything have made it so. awesome to have a gay son before you B. my son better not be gay now Community. yeah now it's like you're not trans. that's not the oh oh I see now it's like. a gay son is. like yeah oh all right I like that now. it's like just don't [ __ ] don't TR. don't trans please don't [ __ ] I mean. you know it wouldn't be the end of the. world but it'd be like that'd be tough. if my kid transed I genuinely would be.

like I had horse lips yes I'd be like so. we got to go get hor you really want. [ __ ] hormones you're 12 you don't. know anything but if they're like better. be free my son was like Dad I'm gay I'd. be like oh thank [ __ ] god thank. [ __ ] God I'm a gay man be like no no. that's great you're not having boobs. like no like and it's not like dude I. wouldn't hate them I would just be like. everyone's going to make fun of me. everyone's going to bust my ball for. what trans kids I don't hate them but. it's a it' be a headache bro be a.

[ __ ] headache I'm being honest I'd be. I'd be [ __ ] I'd be [ __ ] baguer. dude if I if I was like a dad I think. I'm a dude I'd be like. oh let's go and then he have and you. couldn't be like hey dude I think you're. getting caught up by the algorithm yeah. you got to tell them they're getting. caught up by the algorithm did I ever. tell you you have to break the news I. wouldn't be pissed there's nothing wrong. with that no it's like a nothing you. said was wrong a goth TR trans are the. new goth same thing dude if your kid was. a goth in like 1997 you're like I mean.

absolutely The Goth the fact that people. kick their kids out onto the street it's. a bad thing yeah you if my kid's a goth. he's out you got to go through the trans. Journey have a goth child they are out. out the goth. Childs I would just TR ultimate. Kryptonite just be like dude that's. crazy I'm trans too let's go yeah it's. cool like [ __ ] yeah dude did you know I. was a woman once now look at me hulking. dick. this is entirely made of thigh although. Caitlyn Jenner might ruin it there's a.

lot of powerful conservative transes. coming out all you have to do is be like. if if you want your kids yeah you can. just be like being trans rules and your. kid will be like I'm straight as [ __ ]. dude go up to the room and just watch. Bay Watch like I'm the straightest guy. ever I'm gonna jerk off to a Janet. Jackson music video that's as straight. as you can get yeah again I you know I. don't uh I can't see hating your kid but. I I would be like no dude you gota be. like you gota be like laundry's parents.

Brian laundry's parents never giving up. the ship dude this is we're with this. boy till the end for sure I don't care. if he's strangled a girl in a van oh. they're they're like oh they they they. yeah they found his belongings [ __ ] I. think they realized he had he had since. moved on to the next realm did any of. you get tricked by the Dog the Bounty. Hunter yes get tricked by him how so. there was a thing that went around that. was like Dog The Bounty captures. whatever the guy's name was it was just. lemonparty.org nice there's another one.

it was just the dude sitting off the. edge of the. bed I actually went with my lady. to a state park recently that's awesome. two days ago that's fun and while we. were on the way there I was like you. better not [ __ ] like fall or go. missing don't ruin this for me because I. have a lot of hours of me being like yo. Brian laundry is the [ __ ] B. like footage keep off the edge yeah I. was like don't you dare get hurt you. better not even roll an ankle and don't.

piss me off to the point where I [ __ ]. please don't make me strangle you out in. the woods is that what he Str he. strangulation I don't know I don't know. exactly probably that's that's probably. got to be that's a good van or just a. rock that's van life bro Little David. and Goliath action from far. away like oh I think there's a gem in. here oh my God was it oh look at this. Crystal right in her eye yeah that's not. good that's not good at all but yeah. they uh I think the parents stayed with.

him for a minute I think they were like. dude we got you he probably I cover I. would cover it up to be honest here's. the thing what if what if the parents. genuinely didn't like the girl what if. you didn't like the girl I don't think. she's the one for you and on we got to. switch over to the P switch to the. patreon I'm kidding dud everything we. said today was big gag don't kill your. girlfriend this has been a wild episode. we this is not good stuff you think we. miss as in hindsight this is not good. stuff what have we said besides might. just protest at the Harrisburg Capital. not go inside but just run into the I'll.

storm where I legally can and. protest there'll be no pictures of me on. the desk oh dude how cool is this what I. finally have a uh dude I've been waiting. forever for this you want to do it on. this episode oh [ __ ] we should start. announcing something oh yeah you have. dates yeah I have dates bro oh I'll be. at the this starting tomorrow so when. this episode's out the 28th 29th 30th. and 31st of October I'll be at the. Milwaukee improv November 5th and oh. that's skankfest fourth fifth and 6th.

and 7th skankfest South yeah November. 11th 12th 13th it's already sold out but. uh American Comedy Company San Diego. then we're taking we're going to do cool. stuff God damn dude yeah I'm doing one. show a month Turtle I'm to good dude. Turtle Pace good night rally December. 3rd and good night rally baby room why. does everybody from Philly call it rally. but it's Raleigh it's Raleigh Raleigh R. December 3rd and 4th helium St Louis I.

haven't locked those in you're locking. in the helium all helium industry baby. helium baby rooms I'm doing the little. baby rooms dude 50 Cedars like can't. believe we sold it out just zoom in on. all the people you're going to sell. those out and you're going to sell more. than the headliners which will be tight. that'll be fun and you're going to have. to say I told you long ago ever since. I've been gay I got what they waiting. for I can't wait for to [ __ ] go. around and headline those that' be fun. man yeah just for little you know it's. going to be tight humble tour dude it is.

a humble tour who who are you going to. have open for you probably the kid said. the kid the kid good that would be a. good run that'd be very fun um oh so. yeah you heard it here we should just. put uh we can put our dates on the. website yeah that's fine there you go. yeah you don't want you don't want to do. dates I just felt cool being no no I. mean like so people can go find your. dates oh yeah duh that's so stupid yeah. we can put them on the mat chain secp. podcast.com or whatever the [ __ ] it is m. whatever [ __ ] it no you're absolutely. right dude I didn't even think about.

that yeah we can put our dates up there. um nice so yeah if you if you hear this. to this weekend come to the Milwaukee. improv yeah dude it's just [ __ ] you. sometimes you have to rates it's not a. deal yeah true I never do I don't like. doing it I know you never do it i' never. do it dude I was so happy I was like yes. dude oh yeah you checked me out I. haven't locked that in yet so we'll we. think about locking that in um. go over to the patreon to hear the rest. I have some cool Louis CK stories that.

are going to be on patreon yeah and. i'mna you're gonna want to hear yeah. exactly I'm going to and Matt's going to. give us play byplay his wedding night. and what went down in the bedroom over. on the patreon and all positions I told. him to note positions that were taken. big time dude here's my there's give you. a. teaser oh dude that's a little dad joke. to close this thing out. yeah yeah okay. Shane yeah all right thank you for.

listening to our podcast guys r. [Music].