Paul Conti: Narcissism, Sociopathy, Envy, and the Nature of Good and Evil | Lex Fridman Podcast #357

- Narcissism is not arrogance. No, narcissism is the opposite of arrogance. There is such a deep sense of inadequacy. and incompetence in the self. that the defensive structure around that. becomes dominated by rocket-fueled envy. - The following is a conversation with Paul Conti, a psychiatrist and a brilliant scholar of human nature. My friend, Andrew Huberman, told me.

that Paul and I absolutely must meet and talk, not just about the topic of trauma, which Paul wrote an amazing book about, but broadly about human nature, about narcissism, sociopathy, psychopathy, good and evil, hate and love, happiness and envy. As usual, Andrew was right. This was a fascinating conversation. As the old meme goes, one does not simply. doubt the advice of Andrew Huberman. Allow me to also quickly mention. that I disagree with Paul a bunch in this episode,

as I do in other episodes, even with experts. In part for fun and in part because I think the tension. of ideas and conversation is. what creates insights and wisdom. My goal is to always empathize, understand, and explore ideas of the person sitting across from me. This agreement is just one of the ways. I think it's fun to do just that, as long as I do so from a place. of curiosity and compassion. This is the "Lex Fridman Podcast.". To support it, please check out our sponsors.

in the description. And now, dear friends, here's Paul Conti. Do you see psychiatry as fundamentally a study. of the human mind and not just the set of tools. for treating psychological maladies? - Absolutely, I think psychiatry is our best way. to understand who we are as people. I mean, it looks at our biology, how does our brain work? How does it connect the parts with one another? How does the chemistry in it work? It's the very foundational aspects of who we are. and then it manifests as psychology.

What do we think, what do we feel? What are our strivings, what are our fears? So yeah, I think psychiatry provides tools. that we can use to help each other. But those tools come through it. being a discipline of understanding. - So with every patient you see, with every mind you explore, are you picking up a deeper understanding of the human mind? - I think I'm trying to, I think we should learn, we should be able to take something away. from everything we do, every interaction to some small degree.

- Every conversation that doesn't have to be a patient? Just anywhere, at Starbucks, getting a coffee? You can learn something from that little experience? - Yeah, even if you just reinforce sort of gentle kindness. and gratitude and decent human interaction. There's a reinforcement of that, that even if we don't take away memories or lessons, so to speak, we can reinforce who we choose to be. - So understanding ourselves from those interactions too, not just the general sort of philosophical human mind, but understanding our own mind,

introspect on how our own mind works. - Yeah, 'cause everything we understand about anyone. or anything else is coming through here, right? So yeah, if we're-- - It's all in there. - Understanding others, we're also understanding ourselves. It's all feeding through us, yeah. - Yeah, but it's a tricky thing to step away. and look in your own mind. and understand that it's just a machine. And you can kinda control that way the machine processes, the external environment and the way that machine converts,

the things it perceives into actual emotions, like how it interprets the things it perceives. You just sort of step away and analyze it in that way, and then you can control it. You can oil the machine, you can control how it actually interprets the perceptions. in order to generate positive emotions. and be like a, what is it? Like a mechanic. for the gears in the machine. - I mean, I think to some degree, to some degree. But the difference, I think, at least as I understand,

I think of machines as not being inscrutable, right? That if there's enough study, there's enough acumen applied, that we can understand whatever it is. we're trying to figure out. Whereas part of understanding ourselves is understanding. that there are things we can't understand. And I think that's. indispensably important, I think, to health and happiness. And also, to having enough humility. to see how people can be different from us,

how we can be different from ourselves at times. So knowing that we don't know a lot. and having some idea of what that might be, I think is an indispensable part of the process, which I think is different from machines, I think. - Yeah, the machines, you're basically saying. machines generally because they're engineered from a design, they're usually going to be simpler, therefore understandable. And you're saying the complexity of the human mind is, at least from our perspective, nearly infinite.

- Is there a meta phenomena, what sometimes gets described as sort of levels of emergence. where at increasing levels of complexity, you have novelty evolved that you can't predict. from lower levels of complexity. Like for example, atoms to molecules. It's just one example. I think neurons to consciousness, consciousness to culture, right? That there are meta phenomena that separate. from the phenomena underneath of them.

and thereby add an entire aspect of novelty. So I think we are, I mean, I really think this is true, that we are all infinitely fascinating. because these levels of emergence, of novelty, that are inscrutable, because you can't predict from one level to the next. or understand fully are what make us, and not just us, but I think sentient creatures, right? Human beings, but sentient creatures. inestimably more interesting. than creatures that aren't sentient.

And I don't know, I think when we think. about machine learning and artificial intelligence, I think it's that that we're trying to create, the levels of emergence that now, we don't fully understand anymore, which I guess is both exciting and maybe scary too. - Yeah, so you start at the physics of atoms, quantum mechanics, go into chemistry, go into biology. From the biology, you have the functional phenomena, especially as manifested in the human brain,

and then multiple brains connecting together through. consciousness and intelligence creates civilizations. It's pretty interesting. Where do you think the magic is, at which layer of the cake? - Every layer, because every time you emerge. from one thing to another, I see it as an analog, the concept of the dialectic, right? Where I think it was Hegel who realized, hey, when you have like thing A and thing B. and they're complicated and they come together, you don't get a hybrid of A and B, right?

You end up getting something that's new, that's novel. And I think that describes to some degree that like. what emergence is, except there's, there's a whole new, it's universe of novelty. that comes at each layer of emergence. that allows infinite possibilities. that weren't possible before. And I think that's why we're so complicated, our functional neuroscience, which I think is psychology, our ability to think about ourselves, about others, to be reflective,

is sitting on top of so many layers of emergence. Like the idea of standing on the shoulders of giants, each of us, our consciousness is standing. on the shoulder of a giant of many, many, many levels of emergence, of novelty, so many of which we don't understand. I mean subatomic particles, everything. that quantum physics means. When does time become important? As opposed to things happening outside of time. and outside of space.

When do we slot into one temporal perspective? And then the complexity just, I think, grows and grows and grows. - Yeah, the interesting word you use is "novelty.". If true, this really blows my mind. in some either shallow or deep sense, it is true. I'm trying to figure that out. I don't know if you know something about cellular automata, is this very simple mathematical objects. where you have rules that govern each individual little cell. and they interact locally. And that, you understand the very simple operation.

of those individual cells. But at another layer of abstraction, when you just kinda zoom out with blurry vision, these meta objects starts appearing that function. You could build a Turing machine with it, you can build an arbitrary complexity. of computation on top of this kinda very simple object. - Yes. - It's an interesting question. whether that was always there. The atoms somehow know about love, right?

Like about consciousness. About war and violence and evil and hate and all that. That's already laid in, the possibility of that, the capacity for that, it's already in the atoms. It's already in the physics, it's already in the, in all the different chemistry, and that builds up. Even the origin of life, still a mystery. That's known, that's in the physics. That's known to the universe, the basic background physics in the universe.

'Cause if that's not the case, it's like, where is that come from? Where's that magic? And how many layers can the cake possibly have? How many are we gonna keep building? If we're constantly through this process of abstraction, of adding a layer to the cake, adding novel things, like where's the ceiling? As we expand on into the cosmos, if we successfully can do that, are we gonna keep building like more miraculous, complex objects, and then the brain.

is just like a middle layer thing? We tend to think of ourselves as. a truly, truly special manifestations. of what's possible in the universe. But maybe we're just like the basic, like tiny building block of something. much, much, much bigger. We're in the early days of being a brick. and a very large building. - Sure. Look, I think that's entirely possible. I mean, I think the only emergent thing, so to speak that we build is culture, right?

The aggregation of us. So you have individual human minds, which you are entirely unique. I mean, even the fact that time. is different for you and me, right? It may be by picoseconds, right? But we can engage because. our perceptions of time are parallel enough. They're close enough, right? That we can share a reality, right? But we're all living. in a different dimension of time, right? I mean, we know that, right? So we're unique in that way.

And then the unique individuals. that we are just like the cells, right? Start to create not just one thing, not just a culture, but culture on top of our individuality, right? There are our uniqueness are even dimensional uniqueness. of time and experience and consciousness. So we create cultures on top of us, but what could be beyond culture, right? And what is different from us either. on underlying levels like, you know,

like quantum physics or chemistry or biology. or entirely different in unconceived, I think is, it's an immense question. And I think it's one that. should create humility in us, right? That look how much we don't know, and then how reckless we are with ourselves, with our resources, with human life. And I think there, it's important to say, I mean, think about how entropy rules the universe around us. I mean, how over selected are we?

How many? Not just hundreds or thousands of times, but how many millions of times does there have to be. a selection branch point before we get. into a sort of eddie pool of counter entropy, right? Where you can begin to create, right? Which I think is why you say, okay, the atoms know about love, right? The fact that anything is being created right means there's. this over selection for counter entropy where. there can be a building of greater complexity.

of ultimately of novelty. And we don't often think about that. of how far removed we are, maybe light years, so to speak, from any other location temporarily, physically in the universe where this could happen. And we don't think about what does that mean? - Everything that you said, love, everything is counter entropy goes against. the way the basic physics of the universe.

So maybe actually the atoms really don't like. what we're doing. They want us to stop. They've been trying really hard to stop. And despite that, we somehow started this whole bacteria thing. for like a billion years. And now we're here. - I actually think of it kinda the other way. I don't think there's any purpose to purposelessness, right? So why would anything be here. if the drive weren't towards creativity, right? If the drive weren't towards those subatomic particles.

not being nothingness that blips. in and out of existence, right? Like we think is going on in empty space, you know, for light years upon light years, right? But is there a design either natural. or intentional for schema, right? A scenario that allows for the incredibly rare. but not non-existent eddie pool of counter entropy. where good can happen, right? Where creativity can happen, where ultimately something can grow,

something novel can happen. There's no novelty in the vastness of space, even though there's not nothing there. There's novelty here because I think the layers. of emergence start stacking very, very, very high when we're in the a place of counter entropy, which then could provide even thoughts about. like good and evil, right? The idea that creating, that preserving is good, right? It's what we build upon. It's how we get to the eddie pool of counter entropy, right?

So then destruction is not good. You know, what good comes. of aggression and destruction, right? You know, unless we're protecting, or even you can think. of out outlying cases, but just think in general concepts, right? Like destruction destroys, it brings us towards a state of entropy, towards a state of nothingness. Whereas goodness, commonality, collaboration, right? Nurturing right, brings novelty. It brings new existence into the universe.

And I think. we don't think about that the way this, we're in the middle of something so vast. and built on top of so many layers. And I think it leads us to be cavalier, you know, with human life, including often our own. - So you think. there's a underlying creative force to the universe. that might even have a kind of built in morality to it. where creating is better than destroying. And then that somehow maps on onto our society where we kind.

of try to figure out what that actually means. in terms of good and evil. So that's something is there like that, but it's like, but it has to be, it's like so nice, it's so perfect 'cause it's rare. It's sufficiently rare where we have our own space. Like you can like close the door and it's like, I need to be alone right now as our human civilization. to work on my thing. So it's sufficiently rare that there's not other alien. civilizations that are just like constantly knocking. on our door, destroying us, but it still exists.

That's weird. - Right? Right. It's so fantastically improbable, that I think we should be very respectful of it. And I think you said there's a creative force. that values creativity, right? Things would be, well sure if it's a creative force, right? Its existence, its ability to exist and to create comes from something. other than entropy, right? Something other than so much dispersion. that there's nothingness, right? So the creative force will value.

the sanctity of things, right? You know, keeping things together, not destroying things, right? Building novelty, including novelty of knowledge, novelty of sanctions. I mean, it fits with the idea that we're not nothing, that that's incredibly improbable and that there are these. many, many layers of emergence that we're standing upon. And I think it tells us something that we're not doing. ourselves a service to ignore, right? It's not just a jump to saying, oh, there's a religious answer to everything.

It's just, no, it's saying science isn't a god either, right? So if we think of science as a tool. and not as an endpoint in and of itself, what is the science telling us? Like I remember showing up at medical school. and it really is true. I mean, I knew so little about the human body. I'd only been in hospitals to visit people. I'd taken pre-med classes, but sort of intensely at once after I didn't take any. and I was working in business, I knew next to nothing. And I had this idea that was so naive in retrospect. that I was gonna learn so much, right?

I was gonna answer these questions. 'cause I was gonna learn what's going on in the body. What are these organs doing? What are these cells? And what I learned was there was so much more. that was amazing and mysterious and seemingly impossible. Like even how a cell functions, right? Like what is going on inside of a cell, the transport mechanisms and energy functions. and diffusion functions. And then you can go down to smaller levels than that. But when you come back out and you say, how will those cells make a kidney?

It's not explanatory. You know, I remember asking the OB. who had delivered my first child, right? I was so amazed. And I asked him like, what do you think? Like what do you know? You do this, right? You're seeing this life created and, you know, and his thought was, "Nothing. I just marvel. You know, I mean I get to do this, but I just marvel at it.". And I think the more we know about us, the more we respectfully marvel. - And we should do that.

We should proactively marvel at every aspect, at every layer that where the novelty emerges. - Yes, we'd be a lot less likely to say, Hey, I don't like you because of something, whatever it is, you know, race, religion, culture, sexuality, gender identity, whatever it is, you know, or I wanna take, I want rights that you don't have. Right? Or I want what you have. Right? I mean, there's so much of this, and I understand it's driven by scarcity. and by human insecurity and envy and all of these things.

that I think drive us towards destruction. But all of that recklessness comes from not having this. initial appreciation and respect that you're referring to. and just marveling at like, wow, okay, we're here. That's amazing. Let's start with that. - But if we marvel at this whole thing, the human project, the human condition that all the different kinds. of human beings that are possible, what do you then make of that? Some humans do evil onto the world.

First of all, are all human beings capable of evil? If we're in the process now we've got a little bit. of momentum in terms of marveling the layers of the cake. Should we also marvel at the capacity for evil in all of us? Is that capacity there? - I believe that it is, yes. - So what do we understand about the psychology of evil? Where does that originate in the human mind? Is it there in the neurobiology? Is it there in the environment, in the upbringing? - Can I clarify first? I think the capacity for evil, I do believe is in all of us,

there's a difference between enacting evil. and a a sort of preset, followed, developed plan of evil, right? I don't believe that all of us are capable. of doing what the people. who perpetrate the most evil do, right? But I do believe that we're capable. of perpetrating evil, right? And one thought would be that there are drives in us. I mean, there certainly seem to be. drives in us towards survival,

towards gratification in some ways, towards pleasure. And that can get very complicated. 'cause pleasure inside can be relief of distress. So if I feel very badly about myself. and I can feel a little better about myself. by making you feel worse about yourself, right? Which that plays out in a lot of human beings. Is that an indirect way of bringing pleasure? Right? So it gets very complicated what's going on inside of us. And sometimes the perpetration of evil things can be.

through misunderstandings, anger, impulsivity. I mean the things that we can have in us. And other times there can be, there can be other things going on. which are through the lens of unhealthy human psychology. So for example, the psychology of envy, which I think drives the lion share. of the orchestrated evil, right? There's a difference between impulsive, reflexive evil and highly orchestrated evil, which I think is driven by envy.

- Highly orchestrated evil. Are we talking about a scale of societies. like totalitarianism? So if we're thinking about somebody like Hitler, so at scale orchestration of evil, envy driving that. So I mean, that's really interesting to think about. I'd love to hear more about it. So some of it, there might be some psychological forces. that are intention with each other. So one is, if you look at somebody like Hitler,

It's difficult to know what was going on in his mind. But it's possible to imagine if you just look at dictator's. thought history that he thought he was doing good, not just for himself, but for the people he believed have value. So one way you can have, you can achieve what we consider as evil. is by devaluing some group of people.

And that could be all group of people. So it could have sort of a narcissistic type of idea. that you basically don't care about other human beings. That's one, envy is different. I mean, maybe they can collaborate together, or even like you mentioned, you can actually enjoy doing bad to others. That's almost like different because. if all it is like narcissism, you disregard, you don't care what, how others feel, then you can just make cold, calculated, military.

almost economic decisions. And you don't care if a million people die here or there. But if you actually enjoy some aspect of that, or there is like a resentment that fuels it. It's not just cold calculation, it's like fueled by some kind of personal. or cultural resentment. - I think it's all fueled by that. - You think so? - I think it's all fueled by that. I think the idea that the Hitler thought he was doing good. Is like, that is such a thin facade that it flies away.

like a handkerchief in hurricane, right? That... - Okay? Yeah. Thank you. That's wow, that's beautiful. Yeah. - It's built upon, like it says, I'll explain logical lies, right? Because people can build lies upon species logic, right? So the idea that, okay, I am doing good because I believe that. this ethnicity of people is good and this is bad,

and now I'm going to do this. and I'm gonna make the world different. and it's gonna bring better to the world. And now I'm raising armies. and I'm building concentration camps. And I think like this is all on the surface of good. is I don't think anyone ever thinks that, right? Or they think that, but with, because they're living in the surface patina, right? Like they're not allowing the hurricane in that. blows away the handkerchief and says like, this is all evil, right? I mean, how do you decide that some group of people is good. and some is bad?

And like, what is it that you take upon yourself. to play God or make decisions about the world? And I think what really is going on is that people. are not doing that, right? There's something cobbled together to say like, why this is right and this is okay, right? And this is even good, right? But it is all a lie, right? It's a lie that's adorning. What I believe is the fact I believe that. what's going on is the gratification of envy. inside of the person.

And whether someone says, oh, I think this is good and it's okay if a million people die. or I'm gonna enjoy that a million people die, I think is the same. I think the the enjoyment, the gratification of the orchestrated evil is there. And that it all comes from vulnerability and insecurity. It all comes from deficits in the sense of self, right? - I'm gonna have to process that. My slow penny and PC is processing that. So envy underlies all of it.

The psychological concept of envy. What is that? I keep putting myself in the mind of Hitler. I guess, that has nothing to do. It doesn't have to do with Jews or slavi people. Does it have to do with specific a morphous other. in his mind that he's envious of. - I think it has all to do with him, all to do with him. There's not a love of the people with whom he allied, or even a sense of the people.

who he persecuted were worse than him. It's all projections out of what was going on inside of him, which was an intense sense of inadequacy. A rage at being someone he perceived as lesser than. That's the difference between, so we can define words in different ways, even within psychology, but let's say. we take the definition here of sort of jealousy. as being sort of benign, right? The idea that, oh, I might see something that you have that I don't. and I might think I'd like that, maybe I'll work harder to get it, right,

or maybe I can't get it. Maybe it's that you're younger than I am. They say, okay, you know, okay, you know, you have that and I don't, I mean, I have other things too, I'm okay anyway, but I might want those things, but it's very benign. The jealousy. I'd like to like to be younger, I'd like to be richer, whatever it is that we people think, right? But it's just a thought and it's a thought. that can result in strivings or acceptance, right? It's very, very different. It's completely different than envy, which is destructive. It's a thought of, I see something that you have that I don't have, right?

And instead of me working for it. or accepting that I don't have it, what I'd like to do then is bring you down, take you down to where I am, and then I'll feel better, right? Because from the perspective of envy, it is all relative. - So it's jealousy, a kind of, 'cause he said completely different. But is jealousy potentially like a gateway drug to envy? Like does it, like is it a slippery slope? - I think, no, I think that jealousy is a natural just part.

of the human phenomenon that we go through life. and we see like, oh, I'd like to have that. I think it's probably part of our incentives, right? If, you know, if I'm farming and I have one row of crops. and I look over and I see that you're working harder. and you have two, and I'd like to have two, that can make me work harder to have two. - You don't think it's a slippery slope. from one to the other to, at first you're like, I'd like to work harder, but then you keep failing and the weather sucks. and you keep failing and the other person. becomes more successful. Plus he's got a new hot wife now, there's a nice tractor,

there's a field is all working, and then you get this idea that, you know what? I'm gonna steal all this stuff. I'm gonna murder him and that. Do you know, don't you think that's just like a leap-. - No, I actually think- - Of the same phenomenon? - No, because I think there are things. that are in us as humans, right? So the the things that just by being human, like we can, for example feel, we can feel compassion, right? We can feel interest, right? We can feel jealousy in that benign sense. Like it's all part of just being human.

If we start going from, hey, you have more crops than I have and you know, that seems like I actually have a better life. in a lot of ways than I have, I'm gonna kill you. That's not, that is not a progression of something benign, right? That is- - But wait, wait a minute. But that is a human leap of the same thing, isn't it? Is because you're drawing a line stuff. You're saying like, this is the, this human stuff, this regular life, it's benign, but it feels like this benign thing is just. a low magnitude thing,

version of the thing that's not benign. Like there's probably a gray area where it stops being, but like jealousy, you can have like healthy jealousy. You can have a little bit slightly unhealthy. That's I think, jealous guy. This John Len song that I love is just beautiful. I mean, there's like this jealousy inside relationships. can make you feel like, you know, could take your minds in all kinds of silly directions. And it's crazy. But like, it feels like that's an next door neighbor to like, being really crazy and toxic.

and all that kind of stuff inside relationships. And then that feels like an next door neighbor. It's like an apartment building that feels like. a next door neighbor. that eventually gets the Hitler. with envy and resentment of an entire population of people. - You're right that there's a causal, there can be a causal chain, right? Like if I'm not feeling jealous, maybe I won't ever feel envious, right? So you can see, okay, so it can kind of lead to, it can open gates to, huh? Like how much do I dislike that you have things. that I don't have, right? So yes, in that sense, but,

and I think this is the part I think is so important. that I think there is a disjunction, right? It's there's an asymptotic shift, right? From one thing to another because it is-. - Now you're speaking my language, mathematically, yep. - Yes, it's a way to convey, right? Something that's entirely different. Because if I start thinking, you know, I'm not gonna try and make things better, right? I'd like instead to harm you. That's qualitatively different. - Oh, it's almost like, you know what it is, it could be,

I don't know what you think about this, but it's in which direction your motivation is pointing. So if in the response to the feeling of jealousy, your sort of, the motivation says, okay, I understand this feeling, I want to do less of it. I think there must be a threshold. to which you actually wanna do more of. Like, it becomes a vicious downward cycle. So that's what envy becomes like the first feeling, this idea that I'm gonna kill the farmer, right?

Turns into like more and more and more and you can't sleep. and you're visualizing the farmer and it becomes the devil. And like you have this very, you know, it is basically a thing that builds. into the negative direction versus returns. to the stable center. - Now a person is cultivating evil. Right, they're saying, Hey, there can be seeds of evil in all of us. Let me take that seed out, dust it off, plant it, nurture it, right? And then grow that seed of evil, which will affect all other parts. of the person's life, right?

They won't behave the same towards others in their life. They'll become different as they nurture fantasies of evil. as they begin to create inside of themselves. the motivation and the will, right? To enact evil, right? The Hitler analogy would say, look, you take someone who had a bad childhood, right? Who like was not loved, who was taught and told that he was less than, okay? Like that we know that happens. I mean, that's why a child abuse is so evil, right?

It's telling children. the worst possible wrong lessons, right? They're not good enough. They'll always be hurt. You know, they can't keep themselves safe. They don't deserve safety, right? So then you take someone who then nurtures. that seed of evil, which is a choice and says, why I can't paint well enough and no one appreciates me. and I don't like how I look. and I don't fit in with the people I want to fit in with. And then, and on and on and on and on and on. And there's a hatred of self through that lens of misery.

of just being repulsed by the self. But that's unacceptable to the self. So, oh, it has to be someone else's fault, right? It's not my fault. Whose fault is it? Right? And then you see on mass the inaction of evil. towards groups of people. who somehow in this person's mind, right, are responsible for his misery and theirs. The justification of evil. And then all the, you know, whether it's this will be better for the economy,

this will be good, this will be that, like, that that's all lies built to justify the evil. - Those are surface love narratives. - Yes. - And the envy is the deep dom mechanism that enables. - And that's the endpoint that's being served. What's being served is destruction, right? Which is why it always brings more destruction, right? I mean, how many times do wars that were started. for purposes that we would look. and say like that those were evil purposes. Like how many times does good come of that?

Even if we look at the modern world, what comes of it is more evil, is more destruction. And Hitler's outward destruction eventually came inward. And, you know, you see pictures of what Berlin looked like. after the second World War, right? It wasn't just destruction, perpetrated outward, as awful as that it's catchy, right? Like people used to worry if you, you know, before the, during the time of the Manhattan project, right? If you, start this chain reaction, you know, will you blow the whole world up, right? Or will it stop within this bomb or not?

And we see, okay, the chain reaction of evil. hasn't yet blown the whole world up. But look at how the catastrophe spreads. And you think 50 to 60 million people dead. in the second World war would truly was a world war, what destruction was spread around the globe. - And that this is something that can't be stopped. once the chain of reaction starts. Like if Hitler was successful, like he would just keep going. - If he had been, think about if-. - On his personal psychological level, I mean.

- Right 'cause if we think. from the perspective of destruction, success would've led to the need to conquer more, then there's factions and infighting, and then eventually you get. the same mass destruction, right? And never does the inaction of evil satisfy. what the person is initially seeking. Like people wanna feel better about themselves, right? We like Wincott, who was a British pediatrician. who wrote about children and adults. from very deep perspectives. He wrote about the idea of good enough, right?

And then you can sort of extrapolate that to like, we all wanna feel good enough, like not just limp over the line good enough, but I wanna feel good enough that I'm a decent person. in the world and like what I do matters. And you know, I can have an impact on people and you know, people can like me and care about me. There's a simplicity there that people want, that when people don't have, and there's certain other factors, maybe they're temperamental factors or historical factors. can lead to trying to soothe that deficit right?

Through envy and I think it starts with that, and it often starts in childhood, not always, but it often starts in childhood when. the child's brain and psychology are so vulnerable and, you know, you see salient child abuse if, you know, if you look at what was Hitler's background. and what was Stalin's background, and I mean, you could look at almost anyone who's perpetrated evil. They're serial killers, whatever it may be. The majority, not everyone, but the majority had these lessons in childhood that said,

you're not good enough. You can't keep yourself safe. No one cares about you. And in a subset of people that's gonna generate envy. and that, you know, that seed of evil then gets planted and nurtured. (jet engine roars). Is a fighter jet roars above us. - The sound of a fighter jet above us. - It's been good. If I had orchestrated that. - You forget, you quickly forget the comfort of being in a peaceful place. That's one thing I saw in Ukraine is, hey,

you quickly get comfortable here. The whole trip back I was thinking it's so good. to be in America, just a whole, like, it's like a three day trip back. It's so good to be American. - We might take that for granted. as a population, but I do agree. - So the destruction never alleviates the envy. Are all humans capable of envy?

- I believe the answer is yes. If you think, do we all have the possibility of evil in us? I think the answer to that is yes, but we have free will, we have choice. We can choose what we do with that. Which is why just because someone is a sociopath, you know, for example, is doesn't mean that they're not responsible. I mean you know, our medical legal jurisprudence, right? Has absolutely borne that out.

That legally, medically we think, okay, if we're responsible, presuming we're healthy, we're not unhealthy in other ways that eliminates. our ability to be circumspect, but that we're responsible for what we do. and don't nurture inside of us. I mean, there are plenty of things. we could decide to nurture anger and hatred about, you know, I could think of slights difficulties, whether it's something someone else has done to me, or I could blame fate or I could be mad at God or the world. We can all make those choices and we're responsible for them.

or we're recognizing things in us that like, oh, I, you know, I too have that in me, but I don't wanna nurture that. I don't wanna foster that. Or do I choose to nurture and foster that? And I think ultimately, you know, a subject of Hitler as as evil, if Hitler had kept winning and winning, right? I think ultimately he would've been. the only person on earth, right? And I really do believe it. Ultimately everyone, everything else would be killed. because it's such destruction, right? Destroy everything, right?

And probably when that didn't work, then there's the destruction of the self, right? Because nothing soothes envy. that is stoked by the sort of flames of evil. And what you see is more and more anger. and more and more frustration, which is why I really do believe someone like that. who nurtured evil in themselves. that way ultimately would destroy, there'd be like him and one other person. and then he'd kill the other person. - I think that's really powerfully said. But even just to return to the jealousy versus envy,

I still think that it's the same flame. and envy's just the bigger version of it. So I think I just, in my own personal life, I've felt jealousy towards others. Like you said, like, oh, this person has a, I don't know, a cooler thing, trinket, whatever trinket I cared about. And usually it's when somebody's really close. to the trinket you're building. (laughs).

And I, early on, like in my teens, I realized that just empirically speaking, that jealousy over a period of a week just doesn't feel good. and it's not productive. It doesn't help me build a better trinket. or it does if I turn it not into jealousy. towards another person, but into a love for building a better trinket.

It's like, oh cool, almost you know what, like proactively speaking and later in life, like people like Joe Rogan actually have been. really powerful in this for me, just as a fan of his to celebrate other people. So it's almost as opposed to ignoring that other person. with a cool trinket is like. celebrating their awesomeness in my mind. Like just saying how awesome the humans are able to do that. And actually just how awesome is that exact person. at being able to do that?

And that somehow made me more capable. to build my own trinket better. And it feels good also. Like it makes me feel happy. - And now you're not jealous anymore. - You're not jealous anymore. - Right? That's why I think jealousy is different, right? Because you're saying there's a week of jealousy, like, I don't like this. Right? I don't like, but if you take that in a way that says, wait a second, actually, this is awesome. This is fabulous and this person did this, that person's awesome, right? Then you're not raining on anyone's parade, right? And in not doing that, even inside your own mind.

you gain a greater cognizance of your own capability, right? Well if he can do that or she can do that, why can't I too, like I wanna build, I wanna make the better trinket too, right? Now you're thinking creatively, nowhere in there, nowhere in there was the emergence of evil. - I just disagree with that. I think there was a choice made where I looked at. if my life was darker, more difficult, I think it has nothing to do with. the actual little flame of jealousy I felt.

I think it has to do a lot more with the other context. If my life were more difficult, there was more abuse, there was more challenges, I think that decision, I could have made that decision a different direction. Maybe. I don't know. Yeah, you've written brilliantly about trauma. If there's a bit more trauma as the background noise. of my decision making, I'll be more likely to not be able to pull away.

from the gravitational field of that jealousy. It would build and build and build and build. So I think I, not to disagree with a brilliant a person, but like I feel like that flame, that flame has the capacity to engulf the whole world. I guess the initial flame of jealousy, the little bit like, especially the younger you are, it's almost like a habit that you get. to build in either direction. Because I've early on built a habit of saying. I'm going to channel that jealousy into productivity.

and into celebrating other people. And that jealousy disappears. That was like a little discovery for me. I discovered that. I get that doesn't come, nobody tells that to you. You kind of discovered that little thing. I could have easily not discovered it. I could have easily discovered that. it kind of feels good. to like mess with that other person to like, think shitty thoughts, think negative thoughts, do negative things to that other person.

'Cause that could also, I just think the capacity in that initial feeling is there. And I think it's a decision we make 'cause like otherwise, I think it dissolves responsibility like, well surely I'm not Hitler, therefore this jealousy is normal. No, I just feel like every jealousy. has the capacity to turn into, maybe not Hitler, but a toxicity that destroys in a small way. in your own little private life. But it could destroy.

- I agree that jealousy brings us... Can bring us dangerously close to envy. I mean maybe let's see if a heuristic. we could agree on, right? Let's see. So let's say, okay, if we look at the terrain of the mine as geography, right? So if I'm feeling happy, satisfied, proud, like. I'm pretty far from envy land, right? But if I'm feeling jealousy now, I'm coming kind of closer to that border, right?

And I still, I think there's, it's a big thing to go over the border, right? That the border isn't a gray area, right? There's a border to go over. And I think that you, I agree com completely one, certainly about trauma. that the more trauma there is, because then the more misunderstandings there are about self. and feelings that I'm not good enough. And then that can be anger about why. and who might be oppressing me. And you know, I hate myself and everyone else who seems to be better. Like, so the trauma can drive us. in these negative directions,

but we're still crossing over something, right? So if you have the trinket, and I think that's awesome, I want that, I wanna work harder. You know, what I could do though. is I could sneak in tonight when no one's around. and I could move something around. No, no way. I don't wanna do that, right? But it's like, I came over the border a little bit. and I thought maybe, maybe that's a better way, but then I came back, right? And we are responsible for that, right? Because it is a choice to say, I don't wanna work hard, I'm already working how hard. I don't wanna make my trinket better. I wanna think mine's the best one. I could destroy yours.

Then, you know, we're letting our mind go over that border. and do we say, run that forward, right? Let's run that forward and put people around us. who feel the same way and start doing it. So we think less of ourselves and we debase ourselves. Do we run headlong in or do we come over that boundary? And that's maybe the capacity for evil in us. that we come over that boundary, all of us, right? At times. But do we come over it and then say, no, that's not my choice. That's not my self-definition. And I'm coming back.

- But I'm trying to justify maybe there's certain other. sociological forces that help us cross the border too. So in Nazi Germany, we've been talking about Hitler, but then there's also the German people. And so maybe when there's a bit of a mass hysteria, so all these effects of like combination of propaganda with. the small jealousies and resentments of the people. that don't cross the border, together they can. With great charismatic leaders that sort of really fuel.

that fire that we feel when we're part of the crowd. So maybe those individual kind of psychological barriers, we have to take that leap from jealousy to envy. Those can be made easier. The leap can be catalyzed through this massive. - 100%. 100%. I think that to me is a massive point. We're talking about layers of emergence, right? So if there's individual consciousness, then there's culture, right? And you know, we're products of the soup we swim in, so to speak. People would say that when I was growing up, right?

We are products of the soup we swim in. So if the soup that we're swimming in is the soup of hatred. Then it's gonna foster all of those things. So then you think about just. in a painting with a very broad brush, the culture created in Germany prior to the second world war. and like what was the impact of the reparations. after the first world war, right? Of the punishing reparations impoverishment. and you know, and basically humiliation, right? That people were feeling okay. Like there were a whole bunch of decisions that impacted.

that cultural perspective, right? Then there must have been aspects, just like I see in many ways parallels. in America now of what are our standards. for what we are communicating to others, right? How's the media deciding like. what's real and what's not real? What's true, what's not true? What's hatred that is only gonna do evil. versus what's hatred that's okay? Because I might sell something. by putting it out there. I mean that was, we know that was going on in Germany.

during the rise of the Nazis. And I think there's a parallel to, you know, do we value truth? Can we stand together and say no matter how much. I might disagree with you politically right, we can still understand like that. there's right and there's wrong, right? There's truth and there's lies, right? So I think those are just two examples. of determinants of culture. And then the culture is a determinant of, you know, is someone like Hitler marginalized as like. that's a crazy evil person. Oh my goodness. Like, whoa, right?

Or is that someone who gains a greater following. and more adherence and then there starts to be a momentum? Because why? Because what did demagogues do? I think they have a giant lasso. and they harness the envy of thousands upon thousands, upon thousands of people. That's right. You feel worse about yourself too. Doesn't matter what the reasons are. Maybe it's your childhood, maybe it's not. Maybe it's job failings, maybe it's professional, maybe it's personal, doesn't matter. Like you have envy too, let's put it together and do some destruction. 'cause that'll make us feel better, which is a lie.

- So we've talked about envy. Where does, from the leader perspective, things like narcissism or sociopathy, psychopathy come into play? What can you make of the world we live in, maybe the leaders that run the world from the perspective, from the lens of narcissism? - So I am struck 20 years of doing what I do now. I've been a psychiatrist for 20 years and I practice in so.

many different settings and I consult in different settings. I've been fortunate to have a very wide purview of like. what's going on in people and in the world around us. And I am struck with amazement that of all the things I see. that are, say, abnormal, let's say from the mental health perspective, this could be depression, panic attacks, hearing voices, addiction. But there's so many things, what cover everything that narcissism. is not frequent compared to a lot of other things.

So it's small in terms of say, narcissistic diagnosis, right? It's much less than many other things, but it causes the lion share. I don't just mean the most compared to anything else, but I think more than 50%, the majority of bad things, evil things, destructive things. that I see in the world around us. I think narcissists are wildly destructive. because they are driven completely. They are lodged completely in the lane of envy.

- Can you try to sneak up, and we don't want to be lost in definitions, but can you try to sneak up to a definition, non-clinical definition of narcissism. that we're talking about? - So narcissism is a deep, pervasive and unquestioned sense of inadequacy in the self. that comes along with anger and fear and vulnerability,

fear of destruction, fear of annihilation that is compensated for by aggression, by is it by the mechanics of envy, by trying to make the self seem better. at the expense of others, by taking from others, by being completely cavalier. to the thoughts and feelings of others. That narcissism is not arrogance. Now narcissism is the opposite of arrogance.

There is such a deep sense of inadequacy and incompetence in. the self that the defensive structure around that. becomes dominated by like rocket fueled envy. - So the machinery of narcissism is envy, but what do you make of the kind of more popularly discussed. kind of symptom of narcissism, which is a seeming not caring about other people,

sort of a very inward facing focus in terms of the. calculation you make when making decisions about the world. - Well, narcissistic people. definitely care about other people, right? It's people who are schizoid, right? And say that don't care, don't necessarily register other people, right? But narcissism people care about other people, but it's entirely vis-a-vis the self, right? If I'm schizoid, I don't really notice or care much who you are, right?

But if I'm narcissistic, I absolutely care. because I'm watching every last detail of you, what might you have that's better than me, right? It's an incredibly intense focus upon individuals. and demographics of people. But the priority, the goal is entirely about the self, which is why they then can become easy to, so I don't care if a million people die, right? That's how different is that from going out. and destroying one person or a million people, right?

It's in the same category of those people. Only their existence is only meaningful. in how it relates to me. - But it's still meaningful. It just seems like a very difficult leap to take. that I don't care that a million people die. That seems to be, even with envy, that seems to be a big like feeling and thought to have, if you at all care about them, are other people,

I guess tools for. alleviation of your sense of inadequacy. - I mean, I don't mean care about in that, like being caring at all. I mean caring about in that noticing. that a person exists, right? I mean, someone who wants money. and notices that there's $100 bill out. cares about that, right? They don't care about the $100 bill and. that doesn't mean anything to them. It doesn't have thoughts and feelings, but it's gonna attract attention. They care about it because.

it's something that they want, right? The same way people will care about others, but only from the perspective of. do you have things that I want. or can I feel better about myself by taking something. from you, by making things worse for you? - People often talk about narcissism. as like the opposite of empathy, but sort of empathy, again, depends how you define it, but it is a careful consideration. of the mental space of another person,

of how the other person sees the world. And so you're kind of saying that narcissism, narcissistic people would be also be very good at that. in order to understand how maybe the other person. can be manipulated or something. to alleviate your sense of inadequacy. - Right? So there's a difference between the mechanics of empathy. So let's say, and we can define things different ways. So let's say empathic attunement is the ability to be. attuned and to think, okay, what's going on in you? What might you be thinking? What might you be feeling? And some people have a lot of empathic attunement,

but we could look at that as mechanistic, right? It doesn't equate to care, right? An empathic attunement can come along. with empathy or not, right? So yes, people who are narcissistic, they can mentalize well, so you mentalize meaning the ability. to understand or to consider thoughts, feelings, motivations in other people, right? So people who are narcissistic can have empathic attunement.

or mentalization depending upon. how we wanna describe those things. But that has nothing to do with care, with actual empathy or kindness or consideration. - So in that sense, empathy usually popularly used means that you care, like your happiness is aligned. This is, I need to read this book. I've read so little science fiction, that's been one of my goals for this year. to catch up on some science fiction. So Robert Highland from "Stranger in a Strange Land".

has this quote about love, which is love is that condition where. another person's happiness is essential to your own. So that's a good definition, I guess, of empathy where you're very sensitive, so mechanistically very sensitive to the state. of another person's mind and. your goal is to maximize their happiness. It's like essential to your own happiness. So the happiness are aligned and one that's like elevated. to its highest forms, you can call that love, romantic love and friendship and so on.

Okay. - Okay. So one more thing about the narcissists. Is some people can be sort of benign narcissists. where they want great things for themselves, right? But if they have enough great things, they can sort of tolerate others being happy too. And these are people who sometimes. are actually quite highly liked, right? Because they have to have the most money, the most power, the most of anything, anything more than anyone else could challenge. But as long as I have that, it's okay that you have some too, right? And then that can make you happy and can make you like me.

So benign narcissists can be well liked. from that perspective, but it's still all about them. And that can change if, for example, there's a scarcity of resources now, right? But they're generally, they're not people who are being overtly destructive, although that they're over the border into the, you know, into the envy territory, right? Malignant narcissists are very different where. they then want to have everything. So even if I have a thousand times more than you do,

I still envy you what you have. Because I want to have, I don't think I can feel good enough about myself. unless I have everything. And once I have everything, I won't feel good enough about myself either. And then I don't have to have more, right? It's like that's malignant narcissism, which. we think of as sociopathy, right? As again, we can define these words in different ways, but they're very, very negative concepts. You know, that's profound sociopathy, malignant narcissism, you know, envy writ large. - So sociopathy is malignant narcissism. That's a convenient way to think about it.

- No, 'cause we can do sort of sociopathic things that, but not be sociopathic like. Well, you know, the tell a white lie, it's like sort of sociopathy on steroids, right? Is then, you know, envy writ large is malignant narcissism. - Well, just like you're saying, like, there's empathic attunement, as you said. So there's the mechanistic aspect of empathy and sociopathy, and then there's the big label you get attached. if you're just doing that thing regularly, I guess. - Living your life through that lens.

Right. Yeah. - And is there a spectrum that's like narcissism, sociopathy, and psychopathy? Is it all the same kind of nice stroll through the woods, tow off the cliff, or not? - Not really, because the words don't have clear definitions. like psychopathy and sociopathy. There's no real definition of psychopath or psychopathy. Does that mean someone's sociopathic but psychotic? Like, there's really not a, we we end up using those words colloquially, right? Which is why, you know, concepts that we can define like,

you know, like envy, empathic attunement, narcissism, even though there might be nuances in definitions, like we can define them in ways that are widely accepted, including within psychology and psychiatry. - So it's nice to just think about this broad umbrella of. narcissism and the levels to which it's benign or malignant. And then also separating into the different mechanisms. like interaction by interaction, which sometimes can be narcissistic. But broadly speaking,

do you do everything through the lens of malignant. narcissism that makes you a right sociopath. or a malignant narcissist? - Yes and the thing I would add to that is. the thought about culture, right? Is like, how does the cultures we're in, whether it's the culture of a household, right? The culture of a community, the culture of a nation or the world, right? How does that impact what unfolds in that person? And then how does what unfolds in that person. impact that culture? - Well, that's the question is what unfolds in that person?

Yeah. How does culture affect it? But how does your own psychological development unfold that? Because narcissism in leaders. is the most impactful thing, right? Who are the most impactful individuals? Well, what is the most impact individual psychology we have? It's usually leaders of countries. or leaders of major organizations and so on. And one of the things you mentioned with benign narcissism, it's, that seems to be aligned with success, right? If you care about your own success, that's going to be,

you're more likely to be, have narcissistic tendencies, I suppose. And so my question is, when you follow that thread of narcissism to become. the leader of a country, now you have a lot of new, interesting psychological complexities to deal with, like power. That old cliche, that power corrupts, does that, is it possible for power to corrupt the human mind.

to where it pushes you farther and farther. into a malignant narcissism, into this destructive envy? What are your thoughts on power? Like the effect of power in the human mind? - Yeah, I think power is an accentuater, right? An intensifier, right? So, I think it is true that. there are people who can be sort of in a gray area. where there are malignant narcissistic.

tendencies and behaviors, but they're also ways in which that person can think outside. of themselves and think in a broader way. and think sort of kindly about others. And they're sort of trying to navigate. whether they're aware or not. that they're trying to navigate between one. and the other. And then the allure of power is, well just look, just exercise that power and you'll feel better, right? You gonna, it'll show you right, that you're good enough. Look at the power you have and whatever may be going on in. the person's mind that then power yes, can corrupt.

Yes and I think that's why. we have to have checks and balances, right? Because we don't, you know, we are all inscrutable to ourselves, let alone to others. So we must have checks and balances. and we should always have them on ourselves. as well as on others. We should want that for the health of ourselves. and the world around us. So I think all of that is true, but there are also people who don't necessarily. become corrupted by power, right? There can be an understanding and a grounding.

that there a steward of power, right? You know, a shepherd, you know, the, I mean, the ways people describe utilizing power. and utilizing it a benign way, it in a benign way that then fosters. the healthy aspects of self, right? So like gratitude and humility, right? If, I mean, if we could add a healthy dose of gratitude and humility. to everyone or to our society, there would be a sea change, right? But how do you feel gratitude? How do you feel humility? Those things are incompatible with narcissism envy, right?

With the really the bad poll of things. that we're talking about. And part of the reason I, you know, I'm so focused in my work and in really what runs through. all of my thoughts about life is that. the impact of trauma, right? Because trauma, you know, creates these false lessons and it walls us off from truth. And you know, it starts to point towards. the unhealthy ways of trying to feel better about ourselves. But we have the health in us too.

We have those seeds of health too. that can grow into being a steward of power. and sharing power and being considerate and kind. And we see a lot of that in the world too, right? It's not all just the evil. We, you know, we see plenty of people who do good. and who are generous of spirit and you know, we have both in us. And it is, I think you're talking about our culture. and what the seeds that we sow and the climate that we set, including putting governors and boundaries around, like how do we reign in or say that the more aggressive, the more envious or destructive is unacceptable, right?

How do we foster the part that's kind. and considerate and reflective and slow to judge of like, hey, let's learn a little bit more. Like how do we foster that? And I think a lot of that comes back. to early childhood education. I mean, I think we don't do nearly enough. to protect children. And as a corollary to that we don't do nearly enough. to educate children. And we said, I wanna write a book, second book I write. is gonna be everything I needed to know about life. I learned as a second year postgraduate psychiatry resident.

It's like, why? You know, why then did I learn so much about unconscious motivation, about the impact of trauma, about how we can be envious and how we can act out, you know, even about how our emotions trump logic in us. Like why don't we teach these things. when we're young enough to understand like, why is that other kid bullying me, right? Or why, just because I'm a little bit bigger, do I want to go thump that other kid on the head? Like, what's going on that we don't,

we don't do those things, you know, we're just, we're tripping a ahead of ourselves. and we don't stop and think. how are we using our resources? How are we shepherding forward the next generation? Which by the way is a generation. that's gonna determine our fates too, right? As we get older. But we don't, you know, do that. I often think of like in the Olympics, you know, you see like this great sprinters, right? And they've gotta come outta the blocks perfectly, right? 'Cause if they come outta the blocks a little bit too fast, they're gonna fall over, right? They're gonna just fall forward. And I often see that in my head about us as, you know,

as humans and as a culture that. we're rushing so far forward. We don't stop and say, wait, let's keep the basics here. The basic techniques of like, how are we navigating forward in life? Or do we just throw all those away? Because I can get some benefit by saying that you are bad, even though what's being leveled. against you is wrong, right? Like, why, do I take that or do I say, no, there's something more important here. that we wanna shepherd forward in ourselves as a culture. And I think preventing childhood trauma and changing the.

ways that we educate children and adults could again, make a sea change and maybe set us on a course towards, you know, even towards a greater likelihood of survival. as a species. - Yeah, so talking to like people. in elementary school about human nature and teaching them. was so how people can be resentful and envious and. how to deal with your emotions, how to, yeah.

These basic interaction things about human relationships, about friendships, about betrayal, about love, about all those things. Like, it just, it is sexually strange that we don't, we kind of hope the parents talk. about that kind of stuff. But then the parents often, you know, need therapy themselves. - The parents that didn't learn it, right? I mean, yeah, I'm not joking that I was, I was mad, you know, second year after medical school. Like how is it, like,

I think of even things in my own life and you know, how I, you know, like how much shame I felt. after my brother's suicide. Like I was already an adult, right? I was a young adult, but I felt so much shame. I didn't, like, I had no understanding that, oh, like it's a reflex to trauma, right? To feel guilt and shame. And that of course, I was feeling that it didn't mean it was true. because I felt it, but I mapped the fact that I felt ashamed to the fact that. I should have felt guilty and ashamed. and like led to some very negative things in my life.

that I had to sort of pull myself back from. and recover from. And like, I didn't know that, right? I didn't know the automaticity of the reflex. and how pervasive it can be. and how it can put blinders on us. And I mean, it's just one example, but you know, it's an example of something big that could happens. to people that we don't learn about. And I find myself sometimes having conversations. with a person. So, you know, I still do a lot of clinical care. of having conversations with a person after a tragedy. And I'm saying, I can't believe, right?

Again, I'm saying the things that. this person didn't learn in elementary school. because like none of us did, right? And then look at the misery and the suffering. And then I think this is one person among. how many millions among us who, you know, who try and go about their way without knowing things. that are easily knowable 'cause they don't even know. that they're knowable. because we don't teach them to ourselves. - So how to deal with trauma, that trauma happens first of all, that suffering can happen, and small trauma and big trauma, all of it can happen.

And there's natural ways to deal with it. So in the case of traumas you write about, and we can also just talk about some more. of the details of that but, it's good to bring it to the surface to talk about it, to not be ashamed to hide it inside. To be some kind of secret that it's actually, I mean, there's a lot of positive things to say here, at least from my perspective. One is it's discussing trauma and dealing with trauma.

together with other human beings by talking about it. There's a path to deep friendship and intimacy. with those people. There's a dark aspect to trauma, to war that communicating it or sharing it bonds you. So like the other side of trauma is like, love, is you need that hardship, not you don't need it, but hardship and trauma can often be a catalyst. for a deep human connection if you bring it. to the surface as opposed to kind of hide it on the inside.

If we can just linger on it, because you've been through a few very traumatic events in. your life when you were 25 years old, as you mentioned your brother committed suicide. What did that event teach you about life, about death, and about the human mind? - What certainly brought me face to face. with the truths of life and death, because I had not had a major trauma before then.

So there wasn't a major trauma sort of. in my developmental years that what. can carry forward is a sort of omnipotence defense, right? I mean, the thought is that when we're toddlers, we all have like an omnipotence defense, which is like, I can just try and get up and run. and move and if I run into something, I'll get up and do it again, right? That we, you know, we kind of have to, and it's partly the protection of the parent, et cetera. But we think we can get out there in the world. and do things and we just do. And if we don't have major traumas,

we can sort of carry through the, oh, like bad things aren't gonna happen to me. You know, like they, I know that they're there and I know they happen to people, but they're not, don't happen to me, right? And sometimes what will happen is being confronted. with such a tragedy wipes that away very, very quickly. And then that person feels extremely exposed. Like, oh, I thought that like. I was gonna be okay and now I know that I'm not. And then, and that can start to lead to, and what does that mean? And now is this all coming for me? Now, you know, is did I get so lucky for 25 years,

nothing bad happened. now nothing but bad things are gonna be happening. Am I cursed? Is my family cursed? Right? And I think that leads to, you say what? The learning about the human mind in retrospect, I think I understood at the time to some degree, but not like I do now, I can put words to it now, right? Of like how incredibly important, powerful, powerfully important negative emotion is, right? That how a sense of guilt and shame and vulnerability.

can just pervade our entire life perspective. So all of a sudden we're swimming in a very different soup. and it's a frightening soup and it's a toxic soup. And I'm most struck by that. And that goes along with the idea that like, we're not taught that emotion always beats logic. You know, like I think the idea of decar and, you know, the idea that we're rational creatures, you know, that kind of comes down to us through western thought.

is like completely not true. Like we're rational creatures. Only if there is an emotion. grabbing for our attention, right? Like, you know, we're attending to one another, we're being very logical, right? What we're doing now, if we heard a frightening noise right outside the door, like we'd be entirely different, right? The emotion would trump everything and say, stop paying attention to this, right? Safety is at stake and we think differently, feel differently, behave differently, right? And this is what happens to us, not just in situations where something drags us.

from one yanks from one emotional state to another, but it can be very, very pervasive. So my sense of anger, frustration, inadequacy, and then soothing in unhealthy ways, you know, soothing by drinking too much and then kind of hating myself. in the first place and and hating the world around me. And then, you know, starting to think, well, who cares? You know what happens? Like, you know, there's some very dark thoughts. and choices that came from. a changed perspective of self in the world. - So what do you do in that because of trauma, again,

small or large, you find yourself swimming. or drowning in a soup of negative emotion. What do you do? What do you do with that emotion? I mean, we don't have to even talk about trauma is, I think the interesting thing is, you know, any one of us throughout the day can find ourselves. taking a bit of a dip in the pool of negative emotion.

What do we do with that? - The first thing is to separate how we feel. from what's true. 'Cause we don't do a good job of that as humans. If I feel bad about myself, it's very easy to then I conclude like I'm bad, right? If I feel ashamed of myself, I conclude I'm a terrible person who's shameful, right? This is a, you know, there's an old psychodynamic concept of. what they used to call it, an observing ego still gets called that, it's not ego in the sense of arrogance, right?

It's the ability to step outside. and to to see ourselves, right? So that's what lets us keep the difference. between our feelings, right? And what we know to be true. Like we could be very angry at someone. And so I think that person's terrible. I think that person's stupid. I think that right now because like something negative. just passed between us, this inside of me, it's just because of how I feel like. when I can separate that, how do I actually think about that person, right? And you know, we get driven so, so frequently by how we feel.

because how we think therefore what we believe, right? Just kind of comes on its heels as if the feeling. is dragging it along. And I've been struck by that. It's one of the things that has struck me, so the most, right? Among the very most in 20 years. of working as a psychiatrist, is how we are led by. our feelings, our emotions, as if they are truth. And then they create truth because we embrace. what they're telling us as true.

And that is I think, incredibly, I think it's how people learn prejudice. I think it's how people learn self-hatred. I think it's how we learn so many destructive behaviors. And then the blinders on us come in. more and more and more and more. So separate, you know, we we're driven by what we feel unless we understand that. what we feel is different from what we know to be true. or what we can decide on one way or another. - And that requires realizing and catching. the emotions themselves, realizing that it's an emotion, a feeling comes into your mind, overtakes you,

a feeling of anger, dislike, hatred, all of that. It just comes in. It's like, why did that person just cut me off in traffic? Or something like that, that feeling. So what you just kind of take it as a feeling and realize. it's a feeling that doesn't represent some deep reality. about the world. That's fundamental. Or you. That you just kind of watch it and let it pass, which is the natural way of things. - Yeah. Or decide if it means anything.

You know, if I mad right? Someone cut me off and I feel hatred. and I wanna destroy them, right? To stop and think, look, I've got that in me. I can, you know, are the stressors running too high in my life? Like, is it really good? Should I be on this road 10 minutes behind schedule? Like, is it, what am I really doing? So we can learn. But yes, it's an observation skill, right? And it's an observation skill that we can develop. You know, I often think of it, there's something called the tapestry theory, which I think initially was a, the odyssey of explaining,

I believe this is true, I'm not sure of this, but the idea was that, oh, we don't see God's plan because. we're up too close to it, right? Like, as if there was a beautiful tapestry on the wall. and we're standing right up it, we're only gonna see one part of it. We need to stand back from it. And you know, I remember learning that religion studies class being really. fascinated with that at the time. And I think that there are a lot of things. we do that about, right? And in training ourselves to have an observing ego,

what we're saying is, hey, like the, just. the busyness of life or my own impulses. or the pool of emotions are trying to pull me up right close. to whatever tapestry there is there. And I wanna sort of resist that. I mean, I'm better off. if I really stay further behind it. and then I make a choice if I wanna to come close to it. If there's some really positive emotion, it's friendship or it's love or it's nurturing, whatever, you know what, let me come right up to this, right? But I wanna choose when I'm doing that, I don't want some drive.

I didn't decide to like, take me by the back of the head and. put me up against that tapestry. - So the interesting exercise for me, and I think for a lot of people in modern civilization is. the internet with social media that it is, it's almost like going to the gym or something like that. At least that's the way I see it. Because there's a bunch of forces on social media. that are trying to make you feel things. Most of it is kind of in the negative space of feelings.

because there is actually a strong gravity pull. to negative feelings for some reason. And the brain notices them more. I don't know what that pull is, but it's there and you get to observe it on social media. Like if you actually just scroll through social media, you feel the gravitational pull of negative emotions. And I just see as a kind of exercise of like, you feel the pool, just like when you go to the gym,

there's a resistance and I practice like stepping away. to look at the tapestry, right? And there's different mechanisms. I think all of us have to learn. For me, there's a kind of, you mentioned gratitude and humility. So like if somebody is, if it's me personally, I've recently gotten attacked a few places here and there, you know, if they're saying that. they're much smarter than me, I practice kind of humility like you mentioned,

and I kind of imagine that they are smarter than me. Those things like help me to kind of like pull away. Like, and then maybe they have a lesson to teach me. Like I don't take their sort of. negative comments to heart. But I imagine the human being and like that. they might have a lesson to teach me. And in general, when it's more amorphous kind of negative feeling, I'll think the other thing is the gratitude. Just like different versions, almost meme-fiable versions of like, oh, this is pretty cool. Like, we got a thing going here.

There's like human civilization like bickering. and having a little fun like lunch, food fight. And then it's kind of cool, like, we get to interact in this way and there's a bit of humor. There's, it's like Thanksgiving dinner, like if you like, Thanksgiving dinner, if you're arguing about politics, it can feel like really intense. Like, I can't believe you said this, but if you zoom out, it's like family, this is like, this is amazing. And so that kind of feeling really helps. And, but it's like, it really is like going to the gym, it's like building up a muscle.

To be able to pull away from those emotions. I don't think I get to practice that kind of. emotion regular day-to-day life 'cause like, you can't, it's hard to get those reps on social media. You could really get the reps in. It's kind of cool. Like that's the way. I see social media is a chance to sort of practice. that stoicism of like, of gratitude, of humility, of loving other people in the face. of this negative emotion, all that. - Yes and you know,

there's a certain kind of psychotherapy. that talks a lot about this idea that like, oh, everything is as it should be, right? Which doesn't mean from some moral or justice point, it's just that often if you look at things, one thing leads to another, to another, to another in a way that's actually very, very predictable, even though we might be surprised about it, right? And so an example, so I would say that gratitude often does come along. with a healthy pride, right?

So you could say in the example you gave, Hey, I'm being assailed on social media. Okay? So you could say, well, you know, there was a time I sat at, I set forth to impact people, right? To be able to reach people and to impact them, right? And look, I feel a sense of both gratitude and pride. that I've done that, right? Because look, you did it. because of your effort, right? Your work, your intelligence, your thoughts, like you're responsible for it, right? But also you feel gratitude because any one of us who's here.

and has any opportunity, has reason to feel immense gratitude, right? So then you can say, okay, what's actually going on here? Is something successful I set out to do something. and I'm doing it right? And what it brings with it. absolutely includes being assailed. There's no surprise there, right? That because of, because you know, people who have anything good. serve as lightning rods for envy. So then yes, there will be people who wanna make up lies.

or whatever they wanna do. because you become a lightning rod for envy. by having succeeded at the thing you set out to do. about which you can feel. a healthy pride and gratitude, right? And then I think that kind of puts it in its place. I mean, you're still gonna make decisions about it, but it makes sense then like. you have a mechanism of understanding it. that not only makes sense to you, but reflects the truth of what you actually have done. and achieved and what's going on in the world around you. - Well, I wonder if we're all kind of a little bit unique.

in this, because for me, I mean maybe it's useful to kind of talk through. my own experience of it is for me, I try to avoid, especially in those situations, to feel pride because I'm just looking empirically. I feel way happier if I focus on humility. If I ever think of like, oh yeah, you know, when you do something meaningful or you become more popular, you're going to experience these kinds of,

I feel the attacks more. And it's like me versus the world. That's the feeling that you start getting. And that does not create a pleasant feeling. So to me, the pleasant feeling is like stepping away, like kind of laughing at it all. Like with a, with a smile and not like in a negative, like laughing at people, but just like laughing at. the theater of it, the circus of it. Like this whole absurd existence we've got going on. And then just having a humility in like, everybody has a lesson to teach me. It just makes me feel good.

The pride thing I do like feeling when. in a positive pool of emotion. So if I'm building a trinket and I finish it, I'm like really happy with myself. Like I finished this thing. and I usually actually like to do that alone. Like, I don't need an audience for pride. I like to sit there and just like, Ooh, this is cool. I did that, you know, but I just, I find that in social interactions, pride is just a danger. It is a dangerous drug for me because it, like,

it's such a small, it's a small step away from then losing all the humility. and then you start getting very defensive. And that's not going to, that's just, it starts you on a spiral of negative emotion. But I also, I mean with everybody, you've mentioned this will probably sneak up to it. in different directions. I do think there's different brains that we all have. Like my brain is exceptionally self-critical. Like nonstop.

It's like a, it's like an engine that's always there and, but at the same time you're, I'm able to zoom out and have gratitude and it just, it's as just, there's like two brains. and they're like cohabitating happily. And I can, the better I get at this, the more I can use the one that's self-critical. when I'm trying to be productive. 'Cause naturally I'm super lazy. So I'm trying not to be less lazy. I'll be self-critical.

And then when I'm not being lazy, when I just, there's a special moment I want to enjoy that moment. I'll turn on the gratitude engine. I feel like generic advice that people would give, if your brain is self-critical, that's not a good thing. Like you should probably get rid of that. I don't know about that. 'Cause it seems to be working little bit. Not like, I kind of like it, I kind of like this grumpy old man. that's in there that's like, that thing you did that really sucked. Like, I was like, and I kind of, you know,

there's a movie "Grumpy old man". Like I like, that grumpy... The grumpy cat is in there and it's nice. But yeah, it can have bad effects on relationships. and on maybe my wellbeing, maybe as you get older and all that kind of stuff. So you have to monitor all this kind of stuff. But I don't know, I don't know which one it's like, 'cause you've kind of highlighted, it's good to have gratitude and humility, but it's also good to have a little bit of pride. I wonder what that like, set of ingredients for healthy, what like healthy life looks like for each of us.

Whether we have to customize and figure out what that is. 'Cause some of the cake is already baked is the problem. And because of the trauma, like if I was like eight years old, maybe I could be a little more flexible. But at this point, like you got the thing you got. and it's hard to, like, you fix it. - You could do a lot with it. - You could. - It may not be easy, but there's a lot of plasticity. and a lot of pliability there. - Across all ages. - Again, people are different. and there may be idiosyncrasies of why.

one person is in a different place, but as a general rule, I think the answer is absolutely yes. I mean, people have evolved. and I've worked with people who've really changed themselves. and broadened their conception and understanding, you know, they're in their eighties or you know, I think we can do it at any stage of life. And I would make a case for intrapsychic. So not between people necessarily, right? But inside of oneself for the feeling of pride. And maybe if we call it self-esteem, right? Like let's say we call it self-esteem, right?

Or we could call it healthy pride. We could put either word to it. But if you think about what we're trying to avoid. is say a sense of inadequacy, then it is good to sort of own what's ours. We can put ourselves a little bit out of balance. either in terms of building up resentments. or in terms of decreasing self-confidence, right? If we're not owning everything that's ours, right? So a thought I would have about let's say about. some pride or some self-esteem, right?

Is it can work against vulnerability, right? Which we know can also in some situations push us towards. jumping the boundary into envy and all of that. So think about vulnerability. If you conceive, okay, people are assailing me, and you just go to a place of gratitude, you know, it can send a message that, okay, I'm just lucky and I hope I continue to get lucky. as opposed to like, that's not true, right? Like there's ability inside of me.

and discernment inside of me that tells me. I can have a greater sense of confidence. that I'll navigate what comes my way, right? So because the pride or the self-esteem part. is owning what we've contributed. to the goodness we've created, right? Which does in a sense helps us feel better about ourselves. And it also helps us feel armed again, say the slings and arrows of, you know, whatever outrageous fortune may come next. - I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Again, disagreeing with an expert here.

Yes. I think that's generally good advice. But I think you mentioned vulnerability. I think it's like, I've just been doing a lot of research. on rocket engines and rock fuel. Speaking of fuel, I just think I get a lot. from being vulnerable because vulnerable. leads to intimacy in friendships and relationships. I get a lot from being intimately close with human beings. just on a friendship on a, like a ideal level in conversations and so on.

And so I would rather err on the side of vulnerability. Like to me, pride is destructive. I think I already, yeah, I already have a pretty good engine that says like, life is awesome, I don't need help for that. That's fine. That one is working. I just feel like the way to face the world that's full. of uncertainty that could be full of cruelty.

is with humility and gratitude. I don't know, this pride thing. It feels like I know that for a lot of people, it's really important to really, really work on pride to make sure they don't crumble under. the pressure of like. they don't give into the insecurity that destroys them. But I just, for me, I, empirically speaking, I seem to be happier facing the world. with humility and just being grateful.

The pride, I'm really worried about that. Like, I just, it feels more destructive than anything. - See what I think as you're telling me that. in order to be presumptuous, but I make some thoughts or some conclusions that tell me, Hey, you're in a pretty healthy place, right? And the reason I say that is. because I agree completely about vulnerability. I mean, think about humility. and gratitude make us vulnerable, right? If you're like, wow, I'm grateful, thank you, I'm grateful for you, you know, we could get shot down or something, you know, something bad could happen and something could. make us feel bad. So yes, we need vulnerability.

If we try and eliminate vulnerability, we're living miles into the envy, you know, land, right? So you're describing a healthy vulnerability. But then my brain says that's because. on the other side of the seesaw, so to speak, has to be a healthy sense of self, whether we call it self-esteem or healthy pride. And then I'll cite what I think is the evidence for that. is you described the negative voice, right? As like the grumpy cat, right? But that's a good negative voice to have, right?

Because it's telling you like, Hey, that wasn't your best. Like, come on, do better or right? Like you can do better. Like there's, you know, there's a negative voice in some ways, but it believes in you. It's it where that voice could be, it could be a negative voice that says. you didn't do that well because you suck. You don't deserve anything good, right? Why should you even be alive, right? I mean, like, that's the negative voice. That gain, you know, that can gain so much force if there isn't a balance.

of healthy self-esteem. So I think because you're well-balanced, you know, you have what you need, and then having more of it seems like, oh, that's not so good, but their people whose negative voice isn't the grumpy cat, it's hateful, right? And then that's a person who needs. to bring that into greater balance. - Yeah, I think my negative voice is like a grumpy cat. that's like a French existentialist, maybe a little bit of an nihilists, but just kind of. - Is a Sagittarius cat.

- Yeah. Sagittarius cat. So it doesn't get hateful. It's not like a Hitler cat, so it's just a little, it's a little more, yeah, I guess there is kind of like this line. that we've come across a couple of times. between the benign and the malignant. But of course you have to monitor that line. I just, I think you have to be careful. when you face really difficult situations of, as you've gone through life more and more difficult, you face a lot of loss and suffering, especially later in life.

You have to be careful with that voice. that grumpy cat can get awfully confident. And then if you don't have any source of positive emotions. in your life, you can become too heavy of a burden. - Yes, which I think this leads us to a, well, I think it's a really important fact, right? That there are some people, like a significant subset of people. who get happier as they get older. They have more contentment, a stronger sense of self. You may think, how could that ever happen, right?

Like, we're getting closer to death, we're accumulating insults, right? Like, and everything hurts a little bit more. and we have less energy. and we accumulate losses and traumas. Why would anyone be healthier across time, feel happier across time? And what we see is it's linked to the good, to the things that we're talking about, right? It's linked to say, let's say vulnerability versus pride. Like there's a good balance there, right? There's a lot of humility, there's a lot of self-esteem. The person is spending a lot of time. standing back from the tapestry and looking at it, right?

And what can come into people. is in sort of a sense of equanimity. Like, I sort of understand, you know, I'm being the best person I can be. I'm, you know, and that's not always even great. And there are things that I don't feel great about. even while I'm trying to do that. But, but look, I'm being who I'm choosing to be, right? And that doesn't have to be in some big way. I'm not saying that means any one specific thing, you know, that can mean the person who's taking care of their cat. and tending their garden. Like, that's enough. We have to have the, you know, love the ability to put good things out in the world, right?

And to put our our ability to work and be, to make things different out into the world. and make things better. And if we're doing that, we get happier across time. Because we come to a sense of peace with ourselves. I'm not supposed to be everything. I'm not supposed to do everything. I'm not supposed to fix everything, right? I'm also not supposed to suffer all the time. for the things I haven't gotten right. You know what, I guess I'm kind of, and it leads back to Wincott, right? The British physician of, I'm, you know, I'm good enough.

And that seems to help people feel happy, you know, contentment and be generative. and productive into later life. It's like, that's what we all should be wanting. But it's even, it's kind of an afterthought though. Some people are like that as opposed to, wait a second, right? Like, what's going on with them? And let's do all of that. - Albert Camus writes a mythicist quote, "There's only one real serious philosophical problem, and that is suicide. Deciding whether or not life is worth living.

is to answer the fundamental question in philosophy. All other questions follow from that. So basically to be or not to be.". Do you think there's a truth to that statement? This question of why live at all? Do you think there's truth to that statement being. a really, really important question for us to answer? - Yes. Yes. - And what's the answer? - I think the answer is yes, and I think Camus answered it.

Yes, too. You know, I love his writing and you know, I think there was a streak of nihilism. that I think grew in his writing over the years. And the thought is, I think that Camus died by suicide. I think we're not sure of that. because it was a car accident. But I've always read that as. this the primary scholarly opinion. And I think it's interesting that after his death, a book called "The First Man" was published,

which I don't know if he had intended to publish, I don't remember the specifics about it, but it's about him as a child, right? And it's interesting, the first man, even he was the first man in his existence, right? The most, you know, the one that felt and experienced everything. and there's sadness and distress and all in that book. But there's a beauty of life and living and experience. And I think to compare that beauty, like that's life. Even if something's difficult and scary and sad, like there's something beautiful around the corner.

and here's a kind person and a new discovery, you know, more what was in him as a child. And I think that we can get jaded as we, as you and I were just talking about a few minutes ago. We can accentuate the negative and foster the negative. and come to a place where we're looking for some. in-depth philosophical answer, you know, some thick book, you know, that's gonna explain all that to us. instead of the simplicity that we've been talking about. I think humility, gratitude helps us have just simple positive experiences,

feelings of contentment, feelings of connection with another person, learning, discovery. And I think the answer to Camus question is yes. And I think it lies in his writing about. when he was a child, which I think he saw as less important. than his later writings and the intellectual heaviness. when I think maybe he had lost his way a little bit. from the things he understood when he was younger. - So another way to talk about it, and I'd love to hear what you think is. about these broad categories.

Let me be started with Kikiguard of existentialism, absurdism and nihilism. And I think Camus considered himself an absurdist, not actually an existentialist. It's kind of a middle ground where I think existentialist, I don't wanna characterize it in the wrong way, and there's a lot of different definitions, but I think existentialists ultimately do think that there. is meaning in sort of pursuing the passion of life,

like pursuing the, like in living life there. That's where you discover the meaning at that individual. level of fully embracing life. And I think sort of nihilism is, again, it's kind of like a spectrum, but nihilism basically says there's no meaning. And it doesn't matter, nothing matters. I don't even know. But somehow that lands you in a place.

that's totally uninspired. Maybe nihilists would disagree with that. Maybe there is a way to live a creative life. in a nihilistic mindset. And I think absurdism is somewhere in the middle. where pursuing meaning at all is not a good idea. So kind of, I think existentially say you should be looking for meaning, and it's to be discovered in your own actions, in your own life, in the moment.

And absurdism says, life is absurd, nothing makes sense. Don't look for the meaning. Just live. Just be. I think that's kinda the later Camus kind of philosophy. I don't know if you can sort of comment. on these kind of nuanced ideas here. If there is no religious guide to your life, what do you think about this kind of search for meaning? Do you see that there's some wisdom. in the existentialist perspective of discovering it.

in your own life, in this passion, in this kind of day-to-day existence, in the moments of your life that bring you joy, that kind of thing? - You're bringing different sort of perspectives. and trying to tease apart, like, well wait, what are the differences in those perspectives, right? And I think what it points out is that, okay, we tend to conflate things as human beings, right? And to take two different things. and try and make them into one. But we also, I think on the other end of the spectrum, get very overly reductionist. And I think that when we get to overly reductionist,

we lose the ability to learn from anything. or to generate meaning, right? I mean, the thing about Sartre who is, you know, the thought of existentialism. is so consistent with him, right? Who on the one hand, you know, wrote about, you know, very clear terms, like this is what it is and this is what it isn't, and here's how you're gonna make your meaning. in a very like, academically prescribed way. But he also wrote short stories like "The Wall", right? Where there's something totally absurd happens, right? As part of the story, right? So I think what ends up happening is people. either reduce themselves or get associated with something.

that is by being overly reductionist. takes us away from meaning, right? The idea that, look, we don't know if there is. an overarching religious meaning or you know, what we call a religious meaning or purpose. Like we don't know that, right? So, okay, if we take that as a given, that people who say that they know are having faith, like how Spinoza described faith, right? Faith is that you don't know, but you believe anyway, right? It's not because you have faith, now you know something, right?

Because I think that's a slippery slope. to the persecution of others, right? So if we say, okay, we don't know, then, you know, we're left either deciding, okay, well then the hell with everything, you know, like there's that movie, "A Strange Brew" right there, Bob and Doug Mackenzie, where like. the brakes don't work on the car and one of them says, oh, why bother steering, right? So if we don't know that there's meaning. like why bother steering, let's just give up the ghost, right? And I don't think that's even what the nihilists said. I mean, I think the Koonin said. we should get rid of everything that.

we've ever created except Beethoven's ninth Symphony. and start over from there. So even people who are very nihilistic. or associated with that, a lot of 'em were just not liking what we had built, right? So if we accept that a lot of what we have built. as humans inside of us and outside of us. is really counterproductive and doesn't help us, and that absurd things happen in the world, right? And that often the way social structures. and systems build themselves up is absurd. Like I think our healthcare system operates.

in a way that's absurd, right? So if we accept that there are absurdities. that we don't know, if there's truth, then what are we left with? But like, well, let's try and make meaning, right? Ortega said, (speaking foreign language). I'm myself and my circumstances, right? Which is like, look, we can't control everything. We live in circumstances around us, but within those circumstances we can make decisions. and define ourselves. And I think the brilliance of that, and I think tying it all together, right,

in a way that's not trying to be in sense, it ties it all together by not trying. to answer everything concisely. That yes, we can make meaning. Like we see that if someone trips in front of me, I could walk around them or I could help them up. I mean, no one can tell me that. it doesn't matter what I do. I absolutely reject the idea that oh, I could step over them or on them. or I could help them up and it doesn't matter. Oh yeah, try being the person on the ground, right? So we create meaning, but we live in our circumstances and there are absurdities.

both within us and outside of us in our social structures. And there are a lot of things. that pretend to have meaning that don't. And there's the shades of nihilism, but ultimately there's something going on here that's doing. the best we can in the context of just not knowing. - Yeah, I tend to see, I don't know if it's genetic, I think I tend to think just observing the internet, the number of memes there are, I think many other people are like me. I tend to see the humor and the absurdity.

I tend to enjoy it from that kind of angle. I see the KKK nature of society, of different aspects of society and just kind of notice the. magic with a smile and just laugh at the circus of it all. 'Cause there it is magical that. the circus all comes together. It's like a little bit outta sync and then this is. a guy playing trombone, but like overall it's pretty good. It's pretty good. - Right, and we can look at that. and just kind of marvel and go huh, right? Which I think is a relation to at least a lot of.

what we in the western world think of as Eastern, right? It's like as non-attachment, right? Because then if there's something absurd. and it's like not good for me, you know, right? Then I accept that too instead of getting angry about it and. railing about it or seeing some cosmic meaning in it, right? I think there's also a healthy non-attachment. in what you're saying too. - So there's, I mean you mentioned Eastern thought there's the Escherichia. but also Buddha have kind of spoke of life as suffering.

Do you think there's truth to that, that suffering. is a fundamental part of life? - I think it is a fundamental part of life. I don't think that means that life is suffering, right? If we say, well, life is suffering, then what am I doing then. I'm trying to erase from my mind. like the birth of my children, right? Like things that were filled with joy, right? Like life is not entirely suffering, but life brings a lot of suffering. and for some people it brings. such disproportionate suffering. and the people don't survive the suffering.

And I think when people are conscientious. and empathic that really bothers us, right? The suffering in our own lives. and the fact that others at times. could seem to be so overwhelmed by suffering. that they don't even get a chance to see good. And I do think there's truth to that. and there's sadness and distress to that, but to say therefore life is suffering, I think is just completely untrue. And, you know, it ignores the fact that someone. even made a trombone, right? Let alone that there's a little bit outta sync.

and someone's playing the trombone. Like that's cool. There's a, you know, there's elements of the absurd that you said are neat. and interesting and if we start accepting that. we can't understand or control everything, then we can accept and I think really love. and foster the beauty in our lives. - Yeah, I think the word suffering. is doing a little bit too much work. 'Cause I think it's probably referring. to the philosophical concept of that. Yeah, there's absurd, the absurdity.

Stuff just happens randomly. Evil people succeed, good people fail. There's a seeming random injustice on occasion. And on occasion there's justice and yeah, all of it that feels like, and maybe because it often there's a lot of loss. and then there's a kind of matching complimentary aspect. to any good feeling that all comes crashing down.

Like every hello. From a physics perspective ends in a goodbye. Like, that's a really sad thing. Like I've, you know, all the amazing people I get to meet in my life, all the amazing experiences, eventually they have to end. and that's part of what makes them amazing. - But why is that sad? Is it because we're taught to think that I said like, look,

at some point you and I are gonna say goodbye today. Like, I hope we're richer for it. And then we take that goodness off with us. Like, I wanna celebrate that because. it's all part of the goodness. I think we're taught to think, oh, that's so bad and it's equates to death and misery. and I think it's often not that way. - I think there is a sadness to it, but. I also don't think that sadness is a negative thing. It's a different way to celebrate a beautiful thing. So there's a melancholic nature to it. There's something passing of it leaving.

I mean it's that old Louis C.K. thing that I go back to over. and over from a show Louie, where he was all heartbroken that he just broke up, you know, with somebody he loved. And he told about that to an old man. and the old man said, "You're a fool, that's the best part.". I miss that part where you sort of. are lingering in that loss. You feeling the pain of that loss because. that lasts the longest, it's the most intense,

it's the most reliable and it's the kind of. celebration of the love you had. Like losing the love is still a celebration of the love with. I think you don't want to over romanticize that, but there's some aspect of truth to that, like that melancholic feeling of remembering. a beautiful time that's no longer there. is a kind of celebration of it. and is a kind of joyful experience. Even though it's very easy to experience it.

as a negative emotion. I think it's just like you said, I mean it's up to our mind to determine. how that emotion's really felt. But it's a tricky one 'cause it's like heartbreak. to experience that as a positive thing. - People can reminisce at funerals, right? And laugh because people can be very, very, very sad and perceive that this person. has died and perceive the sadness of it. But in perceiving that and really living in it, then you can have people who wanna remember that person.

by like telling a funny story, why? Because each of those people carries that with them. So I think what you're saying. is consistent with healthy function as human beings, because we're gonna encounter sadness and loss. Like what do we do with that? Right? And do we do things that ultimately create some redemption. or even reparation inside of us? And like, reparation's a big word in psychology, right? It's how we repair damage and loss. So if we lose someone and we're sad, can we, by telling funny stories about that person, remind ourselves that, hey, they're still inside of us.

Whether they're out there looking at me, I don't know, but I can call that person in mind inside of us. And then we have something. that's good and beautiful that comes of that too. - In the introduction to your book on trauma, lady Gaga wrote it. She wrote the forward, the intro. She said this about you, "I can now say with certainty that this man saved my life. He made life worth living.". This goes to our discussion about the myth,

Sisyphus Camus question about why I live. So I think at least to me, she's one of the most brilliant and unique artists ever. So it's a difficult question, but a question of creativity. What role does trauma play in somebody like that? In this artist that has created some incredible things? What positive, constructive role does trauma serve?

And what limiting role does it serve. in preventing that person from flourishing more? - Trauma can certainly drive us to creativity, right? To even to push against or to protest. against what the trauma tells us. You know, trauma tells us lessons like nothing matters. and you don't matter, and nothing will ever be good. And then nothing is beautiful. And we can push against trauma. They know there is life in me.

There's something, there's goodness for me. to spread in the world, to express and spread. So I think trauma fuels creativity in many, many, many ways. Trauma also shuts down creativity, right? Or people who are for, it's one example, a trauma that escalates to the point where now. the person is soothing it with alcohol. It's one example. And now the impact of the alcohol shuts down any creativity. So can people be creative. and outward thinking without trauma? I think sometimes, if I remember correctly,

people will use Manuel Cont as an example of someone. who I think hadn't traveled much and didn't have trauma, and like, look at what he knew. So, okay, they're gonna be exceptions, right? But a lot of our creativity is in some ways. fueled by our suffering, although it's complicated. because it comes from generative places in us, right? So those places are there. They're not created by suffering, but maybe suffering makes an incentive. or a passion inside of us. And a person, you know, Stephanie, who you referred to as just such an incredible,

astounding creative force. And sure, some of that comes from trauma, some of it comes from, you know, trauma fueling the generative creative places in her. But what I helped her to do, she's very generous with her words, but what I helped her to do was to see all that she is, and all that the creativity in her is, and all that there is to, to create through love and caring and compassion. And to again, see that, I mean, a lot of time,

that's what I'm doing, clinic. I think it's what's good psychiatrists. or mental health professionals do is we help people. see the beauty that is there, right? Because oftentimes we're way too close up to that tapestry. And what brings us close is often the sad thing. So we're up close and all we see is the negative. I mean, it's easy then to get classically nihilistic, but by helping someone take a step back and to see. who they are and what's in them, that's how people get better. And it's how people reengage in life.

- It's such a difficult thing because if you were to, from studying human beings, it seems like the optimal trajectory is having some trauma. that doesn't destroy you, that forces you early in life to really struggle. with the intricacies of the human condition. And then later in life, as you form and like you build an expertise on. and mastery start to do exactly what you said,

which is step back and look at the tapestry. So if you don't have the trauma, it seems like, just empirically speaking, there's of course just a huge amount of data. in all kinds of anecdotal evidence. But, and I'm wanna be careful here. 'cause maybe I'm romanticizing hardship, but it does seem that hardship in childhood, if it doesn't break, you can be constructive. It's like you said, having that trauma,

one of the ways to fight it is to say, I am worth something. And this is, you know, David Gogi talks about this is like, this is, I am somebody, I can be somebody special. and I'm gonna prove it to you. I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna do this big thing, and it's this engine that drives you forward. Yeah, comment on that. Because like from a, like a parent's perspective, you want a child to have an easy life, right?

You want them to not have hardship, certainly not have trauma, but that's such a difficult dance. because in some ways a little bit of hardship. and gradually increasing amount. of hardship that doesn't break you, can really develop you into a really interesting, complicated person and it helps you flourish. as a creative being. I don't know what the, I don't know. I don't know if there's a question to that. I'll just keep random saying random things.

- No, it makes, look, I think it makes good, it makes good sense to me. I think you're trying to get at like, look, we need trauma and like, and what and how are we defining it, right? Because we say trauma, hardship, difficulties, I mean, we could set aside, we could set apart say in differentiate things. that are difficult but that are overcomeable, right? Versus things that we could use trauma, the word trauma this way, if we chose to, that are just like entirely negative. Like someone saying, oh,

you can't do that and you'll never succeed because what? And then they tell you something about yourself. Okay, because you're from here or you're this race, religion, whatever it is, right? We think, well, you know, that could make someone say, Hey, I'm gonna show you, I'm gonna overcome, right? But then they're overcoming something bad, right? Like, it's just like, there's nothing good or helpful about that, right? If someone's saying that. So a person has to overcome it, that's different than something. that is placed in front of a person. where the whole conception of it is something positive.

that you can make through effort, right? So, you know, I remember, I dunno, I think I was 15 years old. There was some rule like where you could then go, I don't think it was picking raspberries. or blueberries, right? And I think, and my parents wanted me to see like, hey, go see how that work as you, and now you got 50 cents at the end of it, right? And then you think about that. when you know you wanna buy baseball cards or you know, you think about it and you work hard. And I could remember like, it was hard and I was sweating and I was tired. but I learned from it. I mean, it's the reason I remember it today.

So yes, parents might want their kids. to have like a good life, right? But not necessarily an easy life, you know? And I think that was done, they took me to do that. so I had a greater sense of responsibility. and a sense of like, hard work is meaningful and it's important. And I think that that kind of thing is good. But if we separate that from something. that's just denigrating, prejudicial, like, I think those things aren't good, but they're unavoidable. So it's not necessarily that, oh, is some trauma good. I would look at it more that some trauma's unavoidable.

I mean, you know, it's hard to go... How do you go through life and not have any losses. or anything negative or anything sad? And then people are people, there may be people who have not a lot of that, and then there's a sort of complacency. and they don't do it as much as they could. or feel as good as they could, you know? Then there's other people. who have a highly attuned emotional, there's people with very highly attuned emotional compasses. for which a little bit of trauma becomes so intrusive. So it's so much of it is person driven. But I do wanna distinguish between things that are just.

purely bad that we might overcome or find some fire. in our belly about, or whatever the case may be, and things that may be boundaries or barriers either. directly purposely placed or not, that in a sense invite us. or inform us of the possibility of striving and overcoming. - Finally in tune into emotional compasses. That's so true that there is, that's a component of it too. There's almost genetic. how sensitive you are to a particular trauma.

So little things can have a huge impact. or gigantic things, serious abuse in childhood. can be by some people overcome more easily. - It's so interesting. - It's not just. what's the trauma, because what's the trauma that makes certain problems? You have to match the trauma to the person. And a big part of what you're matching to is that, you know, genetically based characteristic of how finely attuned. is that empathic attunement to that compass. - So when you think about let's just return to childhood, when you think about trauma in childhood,

what can we say about the impact of child abuse. on the development of a human being? - I think the impact of it. is so disproportionately bad, hurtful. compared to things that happen when we're not children. And I wanna be very careful about how I'm saying that.

because people can, through their strength and resilience. and human interconnectedness can overcome that. I don't mean to say that anyone who's experienced. those things is can't make it through it or over it. That part is not true. But it is true that the impact is so disproportionate. to anything else that can happen. because the brain is formulating, right? So both, you know, if we say psychology is like applied neurobiology, right?

And we look at both of those as different ends, right? Even though there's a lot of gray in the middle, you know, the neurobiology is changed. So just one example of. a much greater salience of vigilance mechanisms. of mechanisms of self-protection, mechanisms that can make a person feel more fear. and more insecurity and hide themselves away from the world. and not trust the world. And I mean, not trust the world even enough that,

oh, I, you know, I'd like to have a better job. And there's, and you know, another one is here that I could take, but maybe you could be worse, you know, being afraid of that, right? Like all sorts of ways in which the changes. to those pathways impact someone. And that's just one of, you know, we could bring trauma experts together. that could talk about that for days, right? Like, what is the impact upon the brain biology? So that then gets changed inside the person. And from the perspective of those changes,

the psychology on top of it changes. Like, what do I think about myself? Do I think that I'm worthwhile? You know, even in my mid twenties after, you know, without formative traumas and a pretty strong sense of self. and some achievements, there's a big trauma then. with the death of my brother and I start questioning, am I cursed? Am I worth anything? I mean, I was 20 something years old. and doing reasonably well at the time. You know, how does this impact a child. of 6, 7, 10, 12 years old, right?

We're sending such powerful messages. that then change conception of self. And that negatively change conception. sits upon the negatively changed neurobiology. And I think if we really thought, hey, let's do the best we can just for humans in general, for the human race, for species in general, is we would handle children. and caring for children so much differently. in terms of protection mechanisms, intervention mechanisms. How many times do you see. where like there's now there's been some tragedy.

and the, you know, child gets a little bit of support and, you know, they had some therapy, you know, that was provided by some insurance carrier, you know, that they got once a week for 16 weeks or whatever. I mean, we should be wrapping our societal resources. around children, but we don't use our resources. Well, you know, I was just reading, it's a little bit of an aside, but about 300 and something billion dollars a year in cost. to the US economy just from schizophrenia.

And you think, and it costs a fraction, what do we actually put into caring. for people who have schizophrenia? So first there's a moral imperative, but let's say we put that aside. and we only care about the economy, right? Because there are mechanisms of thinking. that look at it that way. How could we not amend that? Right? But we are so reckless with our resources. and we're tripping ahead of ourselves. that we don't think, oh my goodness, there is no better place on God's earth for prevention. than here prevention in terms of human suffering.

And also where do people like that go? I mean, more often people like. that go to place of increased suffering, inability to take care of themselves. or to be in supportive relationships. Okay, we know there's a higher prevalence of that, but we're also creating the pool of people. through which the envy, the narcissism, the sociopathy, the destruction arises. So again, if we care about people, we would be so focused on that. If we don't care about other people and just ourselves.

or just economic costs, we would still be so focused. But, you know, we're not, and we tend to just kind of call it good. because we don't see anything disastrous happening. at the moment. And I think there's a societal negligence there. to the shame really of all of us when child abuse. and the impact neurobiologically. and psychologically is potentially the greatest cause. of suffering directly and indirectly. on the face of the planet.

- How much does trauma of that kind. and later in life affect your ability. to love another human being, say inside a relationship, connect with another human being? - It can impact it a lot. And again, I wanna say, can people overcome and be as loving. to a partner or a child or anyone else? Yes. But we're talking across society, right? How are we setting the odds, right? We're setting the odds towards. a higher sense of vigilance, a decreased sense of self-confidence,

an increased sense of vulnerability, right? A decreased comfort interacting with others, right? What we're doing is we're pushing towards isolation. and misery and depression and resentment. I mean, those factors push towards that, you know, and we know that the research is so strong that. you know, adverse childhood experiences. at these things that happen, the more, the worse, the more prolonged, the more that person is up against. as they try and navigate life. - And I suppose one of the elements of intimacy,

like we were talking about is vulnerability. And maybe is there a fear of being vulnerable? Of being hurt again? Is that ultimately the barrier to intimacy? - Yeah, if you're taught a lesson. that says the world is not safe. and you're not good enough for someone to keep safe. and you're not strong enough to keep yourself safe, that's a final common pathway. of the vast majority of child abuse races.

telling those lessons to people, then how can that not change the lay of the land. against openness, against the ability. to rationally consider trust and mutuality. and to protect oneself, but also take chances and, you know, do the things that we have to do. to create the greatest happiness in our lives. We set the odds so much against them. - As another pathway, which I think is, is really interesting because I've seen it in people.

is is this kind of ability to detach yourself. from feeling any emotions to like protect yourself. It's almost like you're not quite there. - There's a word. It's isolation of affect. This is a defense mechanism. - Yeah. Isolation of affect. Is that a common way, another common way to deal with trauma? - Well, isolation of affect can cut both ways. So if there's been a major trauma as if someone has seen.

something terrible and they're isolated from their affect, and at one time it was thought, well maybe that's good, right? They're not hysterical. They're not distraught, but we see that is not good, right? Because what needs to be held, processed? Do we need to get our arms around in some way, shape, or form has just been separated off, right? So we know that is not good, right? But isolation of affect can also service very well. I think back to being an intern, you know,

a medical intern in the hospital and you know, you might have to go and pronounce someone dead with, you know, with hysterical family members. And then, you know, 10 minutes later, five minutes later might be two minutes later, really, you know, you have to go to another room. and you've gotta maybe do some procedure that involves, you know, having your focus on a certain thing. and making sure your hand movements. are the right way. Or talking to a person in a way that is,

that's very different than where you just came from. That's very hopeful. And so then you have to isolate the affect. of what's going on around you. And it, you know, happens not just in, it's just one example, but we have to do it in life so that we can put affect aside. to process later or not feel the full weight of affect. where we know the meaning. Like I know the meaning of the tragedy of the person. I just pronounced dead, but I want to separate that for myself. 'Cause I'm also aware that it's not my tragedy, so that I can then okay, put that affect aside and go do the next thing.

that I have to do. So that I think can cut both ways. - Right, but then you have to like reattach it, understand that it's good to be close with emotion, even painful emotion, right? Like, because that's the human experience. It's like, I feel like if you build up a skill. that you can detach yourself from emotion, I think that could become. its own kind of addictive qualities. - It can become too easy to do it. And to reinforce,

that's when people are suffering too much. over too long a period of time, then, you know, we're creatures of habit, right? And even though our brains are, you can talk about our brains. are sitting on the shoulders of the giant, of the maybe thousand levels of emergence. that come underneath of them. Our brains are also working. in very simple habit based ways. Like if you and I chose a word right now. and said it 500 times, we would know it's just a silly experiment, but we'd both be saying it tonight, right?

Because our brains are also creatures of habit. So if you over and over and over have to isolate yourself. from affect and you develop those mechanisms, well, you develop those mechanisms. and they don't go away any easier than. if we said the word 500 times and decided to forget. We won't forget no matter what we decided. - So how do we find our way back? How do we overcome trauma? What are the different pathways? - The first thing, the very first thing is to acknowledge to ourselves.

and often to others, which might be one other person. it might be in words spoken, it might be written what the trauma has been, right? Because the lessons of trauma, the evil lessons of trauma, and I'll use the example of my own life, the lesson that told me that I was shameful, cursed, and hopeless, right? It's a very evil lesson, right?

But my brain will say it over. and did say it over and over and over to me. And if that just sits inside, that's how trauma festers, that's how trauma hijacks are. Thoughts are emotions. So being able to say to ourselves and to another, like, this is what's happened, right? Okay, this is what's happened. We're built to massage words. and to create meaning through words, right? Like, we don't massage pictures, right? Images, we talk and massage meaning with words. So when I finally went to see a therapist.

and I could say, you know, my brother, whatever words I would've said, like, he killed himself and I, I can't accept it or I can't imagine it. And like I let it happen. Like, so I had to say those things, right? So then I could begin to bring some sense. of truth to it, you know? And it was a long time ago, but the therapist probably says something like, okay, probably seize on you, you let it happen. It's your fault, right? Because you gotta get at those things.

so that one can begin to bring into focus. What does a trauma mean and what does it not mean? I mean, a classic example is the. what would you say to someone else? Example, you know, you'll say, well, now how many times have I, it is just, I cry if I stop and think about it enough, stop and talk to someone who is sexually assaulted. through no fault of their own, who comes in and tells the story they've been telling. themselves about how it's their fault. They should have walked home a different way. They should address differently. They should have left earlier, right? I wrote about it in the book over and over and over.

Now they have a person who, let's say you take a person who's intelligent engage. in the world, who's like, capable of understanding lots and lots and lots of things, but doesn't understand that, right? If it were someone else, that person would understand in a moment, that's not that person's fault, right? So what you wanna do is overcome the fact that. the negative emotions, that the hijacked emotion systems. of trauma are telling that person a lie. And they're telling them so strongly and so awfully, so meanly that the person just takes it inside.

and starts to see it as true, right? So you begin to hold that up to the light of day. And again, one example could be okay, so someone, the person who's coming in next. has actually been through something similar, right? And can do you mind, can you stay and just tell her how it's her fault, right? And like, oh my god, no. Oh, because I could never, like, then they see, right? I mean, again, this is not always how you do it, but sometimes you can get a person to see like, well that would be the most horrible, how could you do that, right? And then person can maybe come out there.

doing it to themselves. So you know, you begin to put words in a structure and say, okay, look, let's look at what's going on inside of you. Like, you don't have to be scared of anything. you're thinking and feeling. In fact, the fear is in not exposing it to the light, to the light of day. That's where it gets the best of us. And now, like everything is different. and whether that involves use of medications. for intrusive thoughts and depression, or there's no medicines needed, but it's all reframing, like whatever it may be that comes next, the whole world has changed when the person has acknowledged.

what's happened, exposed it to themselves. and to trusted others around them and begun to. look at it in some way other than the stuffed in an evil box. place that the trauma initially puts us through. the reflexes it creates in us. - It's interesting that there's power. as you're saying it out loud. So first saying your perception of it out loud, then in that case that might be your fault.

And then working through out loud, working through that. It may not be. - Any experienced therapist will tell you this, that every now and then it will happen. That someone will come and they'll say something. Usually it's very early on in the process, they'll say something they've never said before. and they immediately are like. in an entirely different place. And they may have been for decades, right? And I can remember a person saying that. a coach had raped him and just saying it,

this was decades before and everything was different. I'm not saying everything is now as perfect, but as life was in a different place, as soon as he said it, he could see how dare, like he thought that person did that to this child. The child was me. He'd never thought it until he said it out loud, 'cause his mind was going over and over with. why it was his fault, what he did to deserve it. How he kept going back. So it must be his fault. It was in it. As soon as he put words to it, he saw the truth of it. And, you know,

there lose a bifurcation in the path of life then. And any therapist has had, you know, has stories like that, which just shows the immense power that. it can even be that just uttering the words makes just. a cascade of change all at once. - Just saying those words to another human being. Yeah. It makes you wonder about that compulsive loop. that happens in our heads. Until it's brought to the surface. It's so interesting. - Entirely non-productive, the loops.

And sometimes even if we put, what would I say to another, let me write it down. It can get rid of those loops in our brains. Any even thought of outward expression is the enemy of those. internal persecutory negative thought loops. - How do you find a good therapist? I tend to think of, listen, I'm a fan of podcasts, I'm a fan of conversations. It feels like a real, you know, it's like finding a good friend or something. It feels like a difficult journey.

Maybe I'm wrong in that, but it just feels like such a, it feels like a partnership, a journey together. versus like some very simple clinical procedure. - Well, the first thing I would say. is to change the entire paradigm. Like most people like, okay, I need a therapist. So people feel often like they're in a weakened position. because they need, you know, "AA therapist". Then therapists are rationed, right? I mean, how many insurance panels have lists a mile long of.

qualified therapists who could be on that insurance panel, but there's a certification process, like this is making no sense, right? The state's already certified the person, right? But there's so many barriers to entry. that now we're rationing this resource, which we should all stop and pause for a second. and think like, we're okay with that as a society. And by the way, everything else is like that too. when we're trying to get help for our health. So let's step back from that for a second. Now it's a resource that's not in great supply.

And then a person begins to think, you know, essentially I'll take what I can get. Like I just gotta get somebody. and I don't know enough to know anyway, right? And those are very disempowering thoughts as opposed. to saying, look, I'm gonna be an empowered consumer. and I wanna, I need to choose someone who gets over. It's not just some basic hurdles of what I think are. reasonable human interaction, right? So like, is a person making eye contact, do they seem interested, right? Like these are basic points about any human interaction, including a therapist, right? Then you can say, okay, is there a word of mouth?

Anyone else has something good? Nothing better than a word of mouth recommendation. from someone you trust, right? Or anybody can have a good website, but you say, let me look at the website. What is it saying if there is one, right? Does it resonate with me or not? Right? But after all of that, then you go to see the person with the idea. that you're interviewing them, right? The idea that, yeah, I hope this person can help me, and if so, great, I'm with the program, but I'm thinking about it. Do I want this person? Do I feel heard, do I feel cared for?

Which doesn't mean is it easy, right? It might mean is it hard? And I leave and I feel. like emotional for a couple of days, but I see that I'm facing new things. No, this process of assessment, so that one isn't settling for something. that is formulaic overpackaged. And I'm not trying to be overly critical of therapists. I mean, there are people everywhere. who do their jobs well and. people who don't do their jobs well, but most therapists are working in systems. that push against doing the job well, right?

Because they're rationing care. and there's an allotted number of sessions. and there's enough such time before a person can return. And so often it's an uphill battle. because we're trying to be helped within systems. we've created and tolerate. that are pushing against helping us. - Yeah. But you know, that interview process is tricky. I mean, if you're in a rough place mentally, just like with any kind of interview, it's hard not to think that a failed interaction,

failed interview, there's something wrong with you. - Sure. Right? - There is an authority to a therapist, I think, where you think like, they've got it all figured out. And I'm a mess, and therefore if there's something off, it's all my fault. All right, so it's a very tricky. and it's easy to then give up and then. 'cause the step to try to get a therapist, the first like step to get help, forget therapists,

like any kind of help. That's a big leap to take. Especially when you're in a rough place. - I agree completely. We should not make people swim against such a strong current. to get their needs met. I mean, we see this in such obvious places. where you have an elderly home-bound person. who can't get their medicine because oh, there's been some change. and they didn't put the new number into the form. or Lord knows what I mean. It's incredible how we force people. to swim against strong currents to get things.

that are just basic at times for their survival. And with that in mind, I don't have a lot of respect for where healthcare is at. or where mental health is at. The field that I work in has accepted. all sorts of aspects of how things go. Someone else controlling. how long the interaction can go on, how the interaction is bounded, what can be said and done, what medicines can be prescribed. There's so many external controls in the systems we work in.

that we, and I say me included, like all of us in the field have let it get to a place where. it's obscenely difficult to get help, obscenely difficult. And we should say that's not okay. I think psychiatrists and therapists. and master's level social workers, psychologists, and you name it, I think we should all all say this is not okay. And then we as a society should be saying, this is not okay.

Otherwise what you're saying, which is I think completely true, will only become worse as there's more and more barriers. to getting the help a person needs. And each time a person isn't helped, it sets the odds against them getting more help. I should say, Hugh, that, you know, when I started working, there were times I would send people. to an emergency room, right? If there was some emergency, you know, emergency in their mental health and they were at risk. And there were times I'd send somebody to an emergency room. where if you stopped and looked, it would've been malpractice not to do that, right?

Now it's not just me. who has an incredibly high threshold for sending someone to. an emergency room because you send someone who's in a lot of. distress and oftentimes they're sitting on a gurney. in a hallway, or they're locked in a small white room. and all they had was depression, you know, they're just scared when they go in and 36 hours later, oh, they're feeling a little better, why? 'Cause they're desperate to get out of there. and someone sends them home. I mean, so our systems have shifted so much that. we tolerate now on mass what is egregious to the individual.

- So you are a psychiatrist. in terms of doing therapy, psychotherapy. What does the successful interaction look like? Perhaps a fun question, perhaps not. What do you think of the psychiatrist, Sean and Goodwill Hunting played by Robin Williams? So what is the full range of interesting interactions? Can there be an intimacy, a friendship, a kind of varied interaction that kind of blends the lines.

of, you know, 30 minutes session once a week or whatever, versus like a really kind of deliberate long-term project. that cares about the wellbeing of a person. across the months and years. What can you say about a successful interaction. between therapists and patient? - I think we're much better served by the latter, right?

And again, it doesn't have to be over years. We maybe a person doesn't, a person might need that over weeks. They might need it over months, they might need it over years. But if I'm understanding correctly, you're describing something. that is like a real human engagement, right? And look, I work in a field that. for years and years and years, the patient didn't get to see the right, the therapist was sitting in a place. sitting behind the person, right? So that's not, of course the only tradition and there are aspects of that. tradition that can be very humanized.

But the idea that we're supposed to not be human, I mean this medicine is shut through with this, right? That the doctor's supposed to be God and it protects. the doctor and that makes its way into therapy. And the idea of the superiority, the therapist knows more. I mean, in some ways yes. But the idea is like to know more about. mechanical things, like, right. To know more about like facts and knowledge, not as a human being, right? If we approach therapy. as a collaborative human endeavor, right?

Where if we're gonna do it together, of course I'm gonna learn from you too, right? I mean, we're two human beings. and we're talking about things that are deep. and personal and intimate. And I'm don't wanna, I'm not gonna participate in a way that makes it like about. me as much as it's about you. But we're two humans and what's going on in me. may have relevance and sharing it may have relevance. And at times you doing something back. for me may have relevance. I'll give you an example of a person. who would not let me help him. It was a young man. So when I was in training who was very,

very sick and needed to change certain choices and habits. or he was not gonna survive. and I had no ability to help him whatsoever. And I went and I saw a supervisor. who is existentially trained. Where here it's different from existentialism. in the classic sense, but it's about really human connection, right? And the guy was always wanting to teach me something, right? Because I can get by in Spanish, but he was fluent in Spanish and he wanted, he'd, oh, you traveled here. And he'd say, you know,

a word to see if I knew and I was always directing back. to what I was supposed to do, right? And the supervisor, I'll never forget, he said, "Let him teach you Spanish. Like, come on.". So we had a couple sessions where. if you looked from the outside, he'd say, "What is going on there?". Like, right. Like this, they were Spanish lessons to me, right? And then at some point. he brought in his mother and it was, he hadn't brought her in yet. And he was in part showing off. that he taught me something, right? And I said a couple things and he felt more powerful. Like, he was younger than me. and he felt sick and disempowered,

but he didn't feel that way once he taught me something. And we showed her off to his mother, right? And his behavior started to change. He started taking better care of himself. He could see a little more what I was saying. He was like, you're a wonderful person. Look, you love your mother and your aunt and they love you. And like, look, he could start seeing that about himself. But that came from humanness and I think. that's the way we help people. I don't understand why we don't do everything that way. It was like, we're two humans. But if you're doing something for me, then there's something, you have an expertise and I don't,

that's why you're doing it for me, the reverse could be true, but it doesn't mean we're not just. two humans doing something together. - And the healthcare system and the legal system. should not get in the way of that. I mean, there's liability and all these kinds of things. that can get in the way of the humanness, right? I mean, some of that is justified. You have to be careful. You have to make sure there's, you're responsible, but a little too much can destroy the humanness. - I'll use a word. I don't usually you say something is insane.

Like it's not consistent with sanity. And the presence of the legal system. Look, I'm all for of course, physicians have to be held. We have to be responsible and everybody makes mistakes. and people have to be accountable for their mistakes. I understand all of that. But what we see now, it's so absurd that, oh, like everyone is frightened. Everyone is frightened then just looking to like, how do I slot into the box, check the boxes of what I'm supposed to do.

and not get in trouble. You know, people get sued. because someone was at that hospital. and that doctor touched their care. It happens in the VA system, it happens in other systems too. So you might have touched their care. and no one's even saying you did anything wrong. But they say the next person did, oh, someone settled on your behalf. and now you have a malpractice ding. And maybe you can't get a license somewhere else. Like, doctors are terrified and they're terrified for good. They're terrified for good reason. Because the same society that is given doctors in many ways,

too much power over time. and treated doctors maybe too much like Gods. now is I think enacting some of society's anger. and envy out on the physicians. Even the idea that like a person would know what medicine, like I saw a couple TV commercials, give me this. It's like, it's interesting, right? Because even if, let's say I take myself out, it doesn't feel good obviously, but it takes a, it's like, wow, like I went to school for like eight years for this. and you don't even wanna hear my opinion, right? You're not taking good care of yourself, right.

It doesn't mean you should think my opinion is gospel. 'cause I said it. But people then don't have an understanding of like, what is expertise? What do people learn? How can people help us understand and make better decisions? It kind of goes out with the wash. and then the position of the expert, I mean it's a lot has been written about this right? Gets diminished over time, very much to our own peril. And then often with aggression in the medical world. coming back towards the alleged expert. - Yeah. Expertise is a tricky one.

It's such a tricky thing because. coupled with expertise can, the attention is this arrogance. that can come with expertise. The arrogance can make the expert feel like they're. more of an expert and there's a vicious cycle. And then the arrogance in the current, in the 21st century, especially with the internet, the arrogance can completely force the public. to distrust the expert.

'Cause all they see is the arrogance versus the expertise. So ultimately you have to have, I think the, the greatest experts and masters I know. are the ones that have complete humility. - Humility and gratitude. - And gratitude. - Leads us back. - Which is a usually a really good sign. that somebody is at the top of their field. - Right, and they'll acknowledge that. they don't know everything, right? - Which is hilarious. So like the best experts I know are the ones.

that will say that they don't know. They would not call themselves an expert. It's very confusing. - Or know that they know a lot. but don't know the answer to this. You see that a lot in medicine. That person knows they're an expert surgeon, but they also acknowledge they don't know if this. is the right time to operate. That's how you get to the best answer. instead of someone who is an expert. and always knows the answer. - If we actually rewind to the beginning. of our conversation, we talked about,

you mentioned something I wanted to return to. So there's layers that are, there's an emergent novelty and you mentioned. that we as human beings and we introspect on our own mind, we really can't know most of it. Which of course makes me think of this, the unconscious mind, subconscious mind and Carl Young, how much is hiding there in the shadows? You've investigated a lot of trauma. How much is there in our mind.

that's not directly accessible to us? Like what can you say maybe philosophically. about how much is there lurking in the jungian shadow? - I think there's a tremendous amount there, but I wouldn't... I don't immediately go to an ominous perspective, right. Because if it's lurking there, right? It can come get us and to some extent that's true. The seeds of evil are there if we wanna plant. and nurture them.

- You think good things can't lurk? - I guess so otherwise-. - I was being poetic. But you're right, you're absolutely right. And the jungian shadow is supposed. to not just be dark things. It's supposed to be everything. It's supposed to be a lot of positive things as well. Yeah. - Right, which I think brings us to self-knowledge, to truth where I think the opposite of envy, narcissism, sociopathy, I do think is all rooted in truth. It's both the truth of the good things about us. or the ways we are not blameable for the, blameworthy. for the things we're blaming ourselves for, et cetera.

But the self-knowledge and the truth. and getting away from the reflex of anger, frustration, envy, shame. What I think happens then is. all of that underneath the surface, if we look at like the consciousness is the top of the. iceberg, you know, outside the top, say, well outside the water, so is what's underneath like shifting and it can pull. the top underwrite or is it supporting the top? And really I believe is honesty, truth, self-knowledge,

humility, gratitude, all this simple stuff. Good mental health is always consistent with simplicity. Like, you know, humility, gratitude or easy things to say like. we know what that is, right? We understand what that is. Soothing envy by having immense power. and subjugating others is getting very, very complicated. What that is and how that plays out. So if we are in touch with ourselves, if we're honest with ourselves, if we own what's ours and we don't try. and own what's not ours, right? What happens then is something isn't waiting inside of us.

to sort of jump us with some new fact. of self or challenge of self, right? Then I think what happens are phenomena. like intrinsic learning, like the way that so much happens inside of us. automatically, right? How people who have high levels of expertise know the answer. to complex questions more rapidly, right? It doesn't take them longer to think through it, but they have more knowledge to think through. It's that more happens rapidly and unconsciously.

so they know the more complex answer. more quickly and readily, right? And we can build that in ourselves, not just in terms of factual knowledge, but in terms of how we respond to things, right? If I make a mistake, do I respond with reflexive shame, right? If I see someone has something I'd like, how do I respond? We're more in accord with ourselves. and then the automaticity in us is serving us better. - So that's in the positive. Do do you think, do you draw some wisdom from. the early pioneers of psychotherapy like Freud and Young?

That there's some repressed, there's some stuff to work through. that is in the unconscious mind? - Yes, I think there's always like 100% of the time, if you have a living human, you have things to work through. in the unconscious mind, right? There's too much that goes on around us. that we might find unacceptable and suppress, right?

There can be smaller but important examples, right? Someone who feels that they're not a good enough parent. and they, I don't know, they drop the child's plate, right? And there's a feeling about that of badness in them. that the person that can't tolerate and pushes away, right? And maybe they become a little bit less confident, a little bit less assertive. Like those small examples are important. because they may be low valence,

but there can be many, many, many, many, many of them, right? Then you can look at the opposite end. of the spectrum where someone, for example, feels or they have to, they're repressing their sexuality, right? Unconsciously, something that is so important, say to help a person feels about themselves. to whether they can seek fulfillment. to how they feel about their ability to interact and engage. with others in ways that are loving. and generative over time. so from smaller things that accumulate often. at rapid pace to really big things,

we are pushing things into the unconscious. because they're not acceptable and we need to explore like, why is that not accept? Maybe there's a non unacceptable urge. 'cause it's really not acceptable to me, right? Like a violent urge. Maybe there's an unacceptable urge. because I'm actually listening to the lie. society is telling me about what's okay. and what's not okay, right? So in exploring those things, yes, we become happier and healthier. And that could mean if we're already happier and happy. and healthy, it gets better, we get more insulated against the negative.

Or it can mean the person who's really nurturing. some of those seeds of evil and envy. does that less or steps away from it. So whether it's good or it's bad, it's in there inside of us and we benefit. from understanding that idea of the observing ego, right? Like we said, the part that can stop and say, Hey, this is what I see what's going on in me. - What have you learned about exploring the human mind, about the art of conversation. is ultimately therapy's conversation?

Is there something you could, you can put into words? Like what makes it a good conversation? - I think language is among the most amazing gifts we have. and it's also one of the most like, clunky routes to misunderstanding, right? I think of like, there's a concept of tacticity, you know, things that are like, I guess necessary evils. And from the religious perspective, I think is where the word started, but of language being like a tacticity, right? That we need to communicate with one another. We want to communicate.

So we develop words and we have these amazing brains that. can have language and that's all well and good, but our fantasy would be more like Mr. Spock, right? You know, the Vulcan mind meld. It's like I communicate with you 'cause we put our hands on. one another and we know, you know, by doing this, what we're thinking and what we're feeling, and we won't have misunderstanding. So, because I think we can approximate. that we can come kind of close with language, right? Or we can be so far away from it that we can say. the same word and of opposite meanings.

and have it generated immediate animosity, right? That we need to be very, very careful with language, with communication, with conversations. And I've come to understand that much, much more as I've gotten older, both in terms of how hurtful, you know, reckless speeches, which is why I'm horrified by so much of what we see. in our political discourse, right? The slurs, the negativity that's attached to something, to some word. You know, how one can utter something.

and it can go into another person just into the ear, but then go through so many parts of the meaning of the. brain that that person feels a pervasive sense of shame. or beleaguered, right? So yes, reckless language absolutely hurts people. And we see that all the time in ways that I think are just. atrocious and also how bad miscommunication harmed us. I mean I I really learned that through. a lot of different ways, but in the work as a therapist of like really wanting to. make sure that I'm really understanding you.

and you're really understanding me. and a lot of work goes into that communication, I think people, we can get into a rhythm of it. and that it happens more easily. But I think it's like, it's a life and death difference at times, you know, lots of times right? In the world around us, between clear and accurate communication and just so I said. a word because like, I think, you know what I mean? Or something like that. - Yeah, so to that, I mean there's. the Camus quote that I like as much unhappiness has come. into the world because of things left unsaid.

So that has to do with clear communication, but there's also a dance to a conversation, a poetry to it. There is ambiguity to language and if you have a kind of. awareness of that ambiguity and you play with it, that's where wit and humor come in. That's allows you to sneak up to difficult topics without. sort of trampling on them, I don't know.

There's an art to it as well. There's an art to the silence, you know, just allowing both human beings, one of the most intimate things you can share. with a human being is silence. - That's communicate. It's a different communication, but it ties more powerful. - Yeah, giving a person's space, to accumulate, to integrate, to make sense of their thoughts enough to say a word, maybe a memory sparked so they can think about that memory.

and like process that memory. - So it's not just words, right? It's not just words, right. Because now you're talking about communication has. it's body language, it's, you know, it's expressions of empathy, it's movement, it's pauses, right? Like the communication process is. very, very complicated and deep. - Yeah, and some of that is building trust, but also challenging a person. I wonder about that whole process. with strangers for example, of how you do that successfully. Like you and I just met today.

But I think a lot of our interaction is very free. We can get to know each other in any way we want. There's a few conversations I have coming up in general. where there's a lot of other pressures and constraints. on those conversations. There's a danger to it, there's risks, there's political forces involved. Like what it, not from my perspective, but probably from my as well of how do you say this thing, what are the words that are going to offend.

And you're learning that about a stranger at the same time, you know, and you don't. It's an interesting dance. because you have to walk carefully, but deliberately, carefully. Because I've learned this about myself, about others. There's certain words that can trigger a person. that can make a person feel poorly, like shitty about themselves. So you can push,

you can challenge a person about something. and they're totally okay with it, but if you use a certain word to do it right, it's gonna, maybe it maps to some childhood thing that their father. or mother used to say or something like this. And I mean, part of the art of conversation is actually being a little. bit free and using those words, but being extremely sensitive in detecting. when a person reacts to a particular word. And like storing that away, it's like, okay, then we might wanna return to that later.

'Cause there might be an interesting, that could be a tip of an iceberg that's actually. representing something beautiful. Or you might want to just, it's a nothing word that you just wanna avoid. because it's a distraction. And so all of that kind of has to be integrated. into the dance language. This is really interesting, especially when the stakes are really high. when you get one conversation, right? When you sit down, you have one conversation and it makes the difference. between, like, say you had one conversation with a patient, this is the only conversation you get to help them.

- Sometimes that is the case. Yeah. - And like, this is pretty high stakes. Oh man. Yeah, it's tough. I guess you get over and like over time, I guess you get used to the high stakes nature of it. - When you develop an ability. and all that unconscious processing, right? All that part of the iceberg that's underneath the surface. is doing all of that, right? Is reading, you know, behavioral cues, verbal cues and recognizing.

the primacy of emotion over logic, right? If it were all logic, it'd be different. Okay, we're gonna talk about this thing. I'll say things, you say things back, even if it's politically contentious, say so, okay, we're gonna talk logically, but you know, that's not the case, right? There could be a word that raises. a certain emotion and you know, you don't want to tread there because the emotion will color. the person's ability to engage. And so you're aware of all of this. And then I think from the perspective of all of that, it's like standing on the shoulders. of your own internal giant, right?

That understands the, you know, language and emotions and body language and attunement. and history and triggering and all of that. And then on top of that, well, as you're standing up on those shoulders, you're trying to be effective, right? And then I think that's where, you know, effectiveness can be unilateral or it can be together. I mean, I think some of what emerged. from Victor Frankl's writing. after the second World War was how much. like shared humanness means to us.

How much of that can be an incentive. for survival beyond all others, right? So the idea of are we doing something. if we're communicating unilateral, like I want information from you. or I want you to do a certain thing. when we're done talking, right? Done communicating. That's a very unilateral type of effectiveness, which can make sense. Sometimes I want information out of a patient. because I wanna know what to do next, right? So it doesn't have to always be negative, but it can also be a tool of manipulation, right? If someone who say, coming from envy or narcissism,

I want to communicate with you in a way that makes you. do what I want you to do, right? Different from that is where it's a shared communication. where, you know, there's like an umbrella, so to speak over us and we're doing something. that can only happen together because we're us, we're each person, right? And we come together to do something that's a shared. effectiveness like I think we're doing now. of like elucidating. and pursuing thoughts and getting ideas out. And I think the best situations. are shared effectiveness situations.

'Cause you call upon the resourcefulness. and the internal resources of both people. - But you, especially with strangers, especially when it's not labeled a therapy session. You kind of actually stumble into that cooperative state. Like you have to organically develop a trust together. and almost lose yourself.

Ultimately, I do, I think you put it really nice, I think successful conversations, even when it's with, like, even if it's like with world leaders or magicians, people that operate in the space of reason, the most successful conversation will ultimately. be in the layer, in the landscape of emotion. Like that's where the interesting stuff will happen. That's where you'll discover anything, and that's where you get to actually meet, to start getting an understanding of each other. or what you actually mean even by. the statements that are supposed.

to be kind of rationally based. It's like you lose yourself, you lose yourself in the way you do. when you're children and you're just not shooting the shit. about whatever topic and you just forget yourself. Forget the-. - Lose yourself in the context, right? - Yeah, where you kind of plug into the unconscious mind. a little bit and you get to speak maybe indirectly, but to the things that really drive you. to the thing that really, to the things,

to the emotions, I suppose, that underlie your worldview. I feel like that's where productive conversations. can happen, whether it's a patient or just a stranger you're talking to. at a bar about geopolitics. You mentioned Victor Frankl. What do you make of his work, "Man Search for Meaning"? What are like the lessons you draw from his work. of him as a psychologist, but also from that very powerful work that reflects. on his experience in a Nazi concentration camp.

- Yeah. I think that it was almost a profound reinvention. of humanness, right? After something so awful, so bleak and so despairing to speak anew. about shared humanness, human connection. Meaning compassion. That I think it was an intellectual direction.

that was adorned with all of the emotions that we need. to adorn the logic with in order. to make real change in the world. And I think that his work has fueled, you know, so many branches have come from, you know, from his work, the existential psychotherapy and its place. in helping human activities today, right? A trend away from the idea that,

that we are all quite isolated and that what's going on. between us is all very transactional, right? I'm putting something out and you take it in, you put something out, I take it in, right? The idea that no, there's a difference there. There's a shared humanness that creates. a meaning beyond the transaction. Kinda like you were just saying. the logical stuff isn't really that interesting. because, you know, the logic is, there's an answer. to whatever logic is we can do math, right? It's where does the surprises come in, right? Either in terms of wonderful behavior.

or destructive behavior, right? They're coming from people's emotions. So that's what we want to understand. And that occurs in the context of a person and other humans. You know, even if it's the conception of someone. and other humans as enemy, you know, or it's the conception of two people sitting together. The idea that there's a shared humanness. and it's not all transactional, and that he could take that out of, you know, a pinnacle of human tragedy and utilize it.

in a way that informs us being better. as a species going forward, I think is really monumental. - What do you think is the role of emotion. in the human mind, in the human condition? Because we've talked several times in different ways. that emotion matters, and it's a big part of who we are, but why is it there? Why is it useful? What's good about it?

We almost said it's almost like a negative thing. that we just have to live with, but why is it also maybe a beautiful thing? - Well, I think you said what's the role of emotion? I think emotion is the king, if we wanna use that analogy. It's the CEO, if we wanna use that analogy, right? Emotion rules all, we're taught that we're logical creatures, but we have innumerable pieces of data. even over the course of just a day, let alone a human experience to tell us. that is not the truth. Is it ever logical to run into a burning building?

No. Right? I mean, logic's never gonna tell when to do that. Okay, someone you love is in the building, the person's already sprinted halfway. to the building, right? Emotion rules us. And so a thought is some of that is evolutionary, right? That strong negative emotion stays with us very, very profoundly, right? So example I'll give is if we're hunter gatherers and like I. find a new berry and it tastes good and it seems nutritious,

and then, and it is right? Everybody, everything's fine. It'd be good to remember that, right? But if I find a new berry and it tastes good. and it seems nutritious and we both eat it. and almost die of sickness, we better remember that, right? So the primacy of emotion is in us. for reasons that are about survival, that the emotion of its my child in that building. or my loved one is why I don't give a damn about logic. and run into the building, right? The emotion of, I thought that was good and I got really sick. and I better never forget, is also about survival.

And the same applies to humans. If we are from different tribes back then, and in my tribe, when you put your hand out, it's a greeting. In your tribe, if someone puts their hand out, it means, Hey, I'm gonna attack you and take your stuff, right? Then I put my hand out and you slug me, right? Then it's like, I better remember that, right? But you see how that can lead into, you know, are the constructs around that? I say, oh, people in your tribe are violent, right?

We start then to make stories around that, but the primacy of emotion, whether it's berries or it's humans who might threaten us. or it's humans we love. I think it's hard to even look at. the anthropological psychological literature. to look at what's out there and. I think the face validity, that that's part of survival, right? It's part of survival. - Well, it's so cool that you get also things like love, which are not often rational or grounded in logic and so on. If you look like, sort of from a transactional perspective,

a lot of times falling in love or whether it's with friends. or friendship or romantic love, it doesn't really make sense. I'm still not sure what what the hell it is. because like, I mean, it's the thing that, it's one of the things or love for your kids. when they're born, right? Like that love, the parental love. What is that, that's so cool that we get to have the, like,

if you're looking for the, in the menu of items that give life meaning, that seems like a pretty good one. - Yeah, so my response, you just said that gives life meaning, my response initially. was gonna be it's the meaning of life, right? Because saying, okay, emotion is about survival. That's one part, right? And it's a very important part, right? If we don't survive, then we're not there to have emotions, right? So yes, it's about survival, but as important as that is, that's the small part of it, right?

I think it is about the meaning of life. because it's about the beyond self. And I think it relates back to what we talked, we're talking about the very beginning and the sort of. levels of emergence, right? And when we feel love, we feel happiness. because that person feels happiness, right? There's something that's so generative, so creative about that. Like, we wanna bring order to things and we, you know, happiness, there's consistent with simplicity, right? If we're healthy, there's nothing negative to say about our health, right? If we have health problems, there's a lot to say, right?

And it's emotion that pushes us towards the goodness. that I think makes all the meaning for us. I mean, it's interesting. I actually, I was wondering your thoughts. about this as a scientist, right? 'Cause we accept it by and large. that we have free will, right? We have free will, but then we get upset that there's not justice, right? So, but how is it like, if we have free will, I could act in an unjust way and then you're surprised or, you know, vice versa, like why, right? We have these thoughts because I think because.

we're rooted, we want logic to rule. Like there's a way in which I can understand logic, I can can manage it, I can manipulate it. We sort of want it to be that way. So then we glorify logic. and then we misapply it like ideas like, oh, I know we have free will, but I'm now, you know, shaking my fist at the heavens. because there's no justice, right? And I think maybe what we're looking for is. we should go back and look at the givens. Like, why is there, there's only goodness if there's justice. I mean, that doesn't make, I think the goodness.

Why does the goodness have to be tied to that, right? Maybe it goes back to the counter entropy and the fact that. when there is something, there is not nothing, right? And where there is something, there can be awareness, there can be goodness, there can be compassion, right? Is it that what's really going on is not about justice? Yes, we have free will, but it's that goodness creating, shoring up, making better. That is the meaning.

That is the good, right? And that the evil is the destruction as evidenced by the. fact that it's over-determined probably a million times that. we're in this Eddie current of counter entropy. And we could destroy that quite readily. Right? And then we're nothing this like, like everything else that we know of, that's not us that doesn't have the ability to do something. that's creative or constructive. I mean, I think that that's the answer. And I think that our science really tells us. that that's the answer.

And I think it beckons us with ideas. Like we know that things happen. outside of space and time, right? I mean, they're physics experiments, right? Like we know this from the science of it, yet we don't stop and look and say, wait, is that the magic of the idea? Einstein said, God doesn't play dice with the universe. I think, okay, maybe God doesn't play dice with the universe that quantum. and determinacy and all of that is not just. a flip of the coin, so to speak, but maybe it's in that indeterminacy that.

we're given the opportunity to assert ourselves, right? To make something one way or another. You know, maybe it's not God playing dice with the universe, but it's God loading the dice in our favor. If we'll only listen to truth, the truth that being destructive. doesn't help or soothe anything, even in the person who thinks it will for themselves. And that creativity and generative. and kindness and compassion like this is, doesn't that seem of analogous to the Eddie current. of counter entropy that has us here in the first place? And I think that's where I pin meaning.

And that meaning then going back. to the initial question, right, is generated in us through emotion, through what we feel that leads us to feel something. that is mysterious. 'Cause I don't know why I feel it. - Yeah, in some sense the emotion. is the kind of the fuel of that creative imperative we have. But if you step back and look at the tapestry a little bit, it does seem that the destruction, the creation of the destruction or the yin and yang. of life, that it all works only if.

the main engine is towards creativity, but destruction also makes way for new things. So that's this kind of struggle. It seems like life is struggle between the different forces. that make up the individual human, that make up society. All these tensions. are necessary for growth, for development, this kind of inner conflict and outer conflict. are necessary for growth.

It's not just, I mean, in some sense it's from the logic aspect. You kind of want everything to be perfect. and just for nobody to suffer, for everything to be perfect. But just like we talked about with trauma, it just seems like it's such a big giant mess. What is it Bukowski said, fine, would you love and let it kill you. There's some aspect of the negative aspect of passion. and pursuit and obsession and the turmoil. of the pursuit of happiness,

of the creative pursuits and all of that. I mean, that's part of life as well. and I don't know what to do with that. from an individual perspective. in terms of figuring out how do you live a good life? How do you live a healthy life? 'Cause it does seem that bit of hardship. or sometimes a lot of hardship. can make a pretty interesting life. - I think it brings us back. to the discussion that we were having sort of before.

about like, what does it mean, like the challenges of trauma, right? And of overcoming, and I think here we gotta be. and careful with the language, right? Because I would then say, let's take destruction, right? And separate it into two things, right? Like one is you say destruction is like. the breaking down, the tearing down of something, right? Versus a process that has malice in it, right? So just like when we were talking about a trauma. and no setbacks, things to overcome, we might say, okay,

if you say, hey, you have it harder than the next person. and you have more to overcome. or someone put a barrier in front of you. for you to overcome that, there can be a lot of growth in that, including the times when you don't know if, gosh, can I do this right? Can I get over it? Right? We're saying like that could be, that's challenge and something to overcome. that's very positive. But we're saying, but there's no benefit of like. throwing a racial slur in there, right? We're saying, because that's all bad. Like, that's not even the princess. I'm angry about that and I'm gonna overcome that. It's like that didn't need to be,

that didn't make anything better. If the person sees that and says, I'm gonna overcome that, it makes things less worse, right? He said, but there's no good to something. that's created as destructive when look. at forest fires like, look controlled burns. He said there's a forest burning down, but that's okay. There's some weak could say destruction there, there's a tearing down there, but it's in the service of the next fire. not running through the community. You know, the town that's on the other side of it. that's very different than a forest fire. say started by arson, right?

So you might say they're both a tearing down, they're a tearing down of the forest, but one is in the service of goodness, even though it's hurting the animals and the plants. It's not all good, right? But it's in the service of something as opposed to something. else that's wantingly destructive. I think there's no good to the racial slur. There's no good to the arson. Right? That's destruction in a way that's incorporating, I think the malice of envy, the, you know, something that's really purely, if there's a yin and yang, that's the destruct, that's the destructive,

that's the badness end. - So racial slurs is a surface wave of a deeper thing. And so, I mean, this is, I mean. the reason I'm bringing that up is like, all right, well, like you have these discussions of censorship, like what good does allowing racial slurs. in public communication do? And it's like our communication would surely be better. if we don't say bad things to each other. But it's like, it seems like the truth is our communication will be better.

if the amount of bad things. is a small fraction of communication. That seems to be more true. Because another aspect of human nature with power, the moment you start censoring. and removing bad words that everyone agrees are bad words, then the people at the top, they're doing the censoring, start getting greedy. They start, it starts expanding. And this is the giant mess. of human civilization where we can't, right? The nice piles you created are kind of overlapping piles.

That's the gray area. - Yeah, I agree. - That's a problem with it. - No, I agree completely. There's a control of language. There's slippery slopes there. I think there's a very big problem there. So I agree. I think again, split parsing out the language. I'm not saying, hey, we shouldn't have racial slurs as if, like, let's stop saying the words. I mean, the idea is the premise behind it, right? Like, you know, the prejudice is if we could eliminate. the prejudice behind it, you know, I was struck as said, I knew nothing, almost nothing about medicine.

I get to medical school and start with anatomy, right? And it's remarkable as, you know, to see as the bodies are being dissected, that like, we're all humans. Like, it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter a any of these things on the outside. Like, and that's true, not just like in our bodies, but in our minds, the part of the person that's not there, right? Because now we're trying to learn from the body and, you know, it shows how ridiculous it is. If you think that we're 99 point how many nines,

you know, percent all alike genetically. And by the way, you only like take another 10th off. and we're all orangutans, right? So, but somehow we have to see. these differences between us, right? And where does that come from? And I think that, I believe that all comes from envy in that classical sense. that if I don't feel good enough, I'm gonna want someone to feel better about. And so there can be visual things. that that person looks different, right? Or you think about the, you know, I spent some time in Great Britain.

and when there's a lot of conflict in. between Northern Ireland and Ireland, right? And you thought, wow, there's not, there's not even a look difference, right? You know, it's the same general you know, religious umbrella, same ethnicity, right? But now there's some religious difference. And I thought, it's not me trying to be denigrating, you know, around the Irish conflicts, like that's human of oh, there's no actual difference between us. If I don't feel good about myself, I'm gonna find one. Right? It's that, that I believe could go away.

It's driven by maybe the trauma of just being alive. in the world and things can happen to us. But we certainly promote in the human created trauma, people feeling not good enough, finding differences. There's a place for the envy to attach. And we're off to the races of, you know, wars. I mean, we're talking about the second world war. and we think what have we learned since then. would take us a day to map out. all the wars since then, right? Let alone for goodness sakes, everything that's salient right now. So we're not pretty, we're not good at learning from what seemed.

to be some very salient lessons. - I should mention. One thing is that I also know that you're interested. in Russian culture a little bit. Churchill said, I cannot forecast to you the action of Russia. It is a righto wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma. So what do you, are some interesting differences between, so this eastern part of the world of Russia, Ukraine, the Slavi countries, the former Soviet Union,

all of that versus sort of the US culture. What stands out to you from the literature, from the music, from the science, all that kind of stuff? - Yeah, I think there's so much intensity. Intensity and I guess I would say. fearlessness of expression that I see in a slavi culture. Maybe it's a cross cultures. 'Cause there's a different way that expression occurs.

We say like, oh, it's different in the French than the Spanish, or is different than in parts of Africa. And I think when you take that part of the world. for whatever reason, and maybe it's just totally random or maybe it's, you know, it's aspects of geography and experience and migration, but there's such an intensity. and I remember like listening to Tchaikovsky, you know, very early on, maybe not for the very first time, but early on in my life, or reading Dostoevsky. and feeling like, oh, like Dostoevsky's, a willingness,

his ability and his willingness to express and create. such powerful abient states of human experience chairback. in his music. The depths of suffering that it expresses. has always stood out to me as a way that like with the, if that's like the brightest light, so to speak, communicating information, that that's a place to look. And it's also a place that resonated with me. so strongly because I think.

for some people who are informative years. and having very difficult feelings, right? Of like a depth of feeling of like fear. and how's the world gonna be? Am I gonna be annihilated? What do I even want? What do I feel inside of me. to encounter that being expressed so intensely. I found to be very, very moving. So I don't know if that's a good answer or not, but I think there's an intensity of expression. and a fearlessness. You know, Dostoevsky wrote about terrible things. You know, what happens in the person that is there.

a person who is brilliant intellectually. and very persuasive and very capable of being effective. who also just chooses to be a child rapist, right? I mean, he wrote about that. He wrote about the truths of this. is what we can be as humans. And I think there's so many lessons in including the truth. Like people will tend to think, oh, evil's not very bright or not very intelligent. That's a way to let evil propagate, right? Evil can be effective and attractive and very compelling,

but evil nonetheless. And I just think there's a fearless willingness. to look at that and to describe it that I see primarily. I've studied in Russian culture. - Yeah, the fearless exploration of this whole human drama, definitely Dostoevsky and others since. in the 20th century and the 19th century, have done an incredible job of that. Some of that just like you said, is the language, the culture. I think that intense romanticism is there that is almost an.

over-dramatic exploration of human nature. It can err on the side or falter when it goes into. a kind of cynical view of life. You know, life is suffering. I think that also has to do with the way you deal. with the trauma of the world wars and so on. This is something the different nations throughout Europe. had to deal with that in different ways. Some of them have channeled into envy and resentment, some of them channeled into.

a kind of nihilism or a cynicism. And Ultimately the intensity of feeling is there, which is sort of interesting to see an, interesting how that manifests itself in the kind of, in the kind of governments that builds up, you know, there's more authoritarianism. in that part of the world. Versus the western world that's more focused. on the individual versus the collective. And when more focused on the individual,

you have a propensity to value individual rights. with democracy and so on. And it's interesting to watch and yeah. To reconstruct how that all came to be. Is it in the blood, is it in the mind? Is it in some kind of thing that more ethereal, a collective set of ideas that we pass. from generation to generation between each other. So the collective of it. Yeah. It's fascinating to see, but now reinvigorated because. there's conflict in that part of the world.

You've also thought about the Cold War. What lessons about the human mind, about psychiatry, psychology and about looking at the Cold War, can we take forward in the 21st century. so that we can avoid World War III?. A major cold or hot war in the 21st century. - Well, I think unspoken animosities are very, very,

very dangerous. I mean, right it was a cold war. There was fighting through proxies, right? The superpowers were fighting surrogate wars. through proxies, which of course in and of itself causes immense suffering. But it's becomes the opposite of an exchange of ideas. or an exchange of thought, you know what I mean? Even the Chris Jeff, right. Not believing that the kitchen could look like it did. at the world's fair, right? And, you know, and some of.

the misconceptions here of like what things. were like in Russia, right? It was an utter, it was a thought that those other people. are not actually people, right? There's an enemy society of evil, which then paints with a broad brush in a way that makes it. easy, too easy for the Cold War, the war to go from being cold, right? To having boiling over into utter destruction. And you know, I wrote, it was really a true story that when I was in,

it was still the Soviet Union, but it was right around the time the Soviet Union coming to. an end and had gone on a trip for students from England. And we got to go places that people like hadn't gone, you know, it foreigners hadn't gone in many, many years. It was just kind of the right timing to experience that. And like, it really is true that someone said on short notice to these. poor kids that like, these group of Americans were coming and I have a picture. somewhere of the kid in a gas mask.

Like they went under their desks and put on gas masks. and they thought, right, that's what I mean. That's what... They're taught to think about us and we're taught to think. about them and like. now we're back in an us them right? When, you know, we're all trying to survive. and we we're all such, you know, just human life is so delicate, right? You know, let alone human happiness. And we make these divisions and we create this aggression.

and late aggression. We, during the Cold War, we developed, right? The ability to destroy the earth, right? And then just sat looking at one another, you know, with further growing misunderstanding. and the opportunity for the proxy fights. Like rather they say the Cuban Missile Crisis, which I know wasn't a war, but it's an aspect of that, right? Where we just have ourselves wildly, you know, at risk of destruction without any mutual understanding. And again, I would argue that. that is the opposite of the counter entropy, right? Like we are setting everything up.

for less lack of communication, lack of understanding. How do those feelings of love and shared humanness happen? They don't, right? If you separate people and then we push ourselves more and. more and more towards reinstating the state of entropy. that's present in the rest of the universe. - What advice would you give to young people. that are fighting entropy with all their might. so young people and people that are wondering.

how to find their way in life. What advice would you give? How to have a career, how to have a life they can be proud of? - I think starting off with sort of first principles I like, okay, what are my values, right? How do I wanna live life? Because, you know, I'm in my early fifties and when I was a kid, you know, we waited for the newspaper came in the afternoon. and then, you know, and then we'd see some, okay, what's going on in the world? We'd learn something, I'd get the West Coast baseball scores, right?

And learn about, oh, here's what happened in different parts of the world. And by and large, I and everyone else there, adult or child we're like living in a reality. that was largely our conception was largely. what was around us, right? And now in many ways it is, I'm not saying it's entirely negative, of course, that we have more information we can sort of think globally, so to speak, right? But the other side of that is so much of the world's. problems are on us all the time, right? Like, here's this awful thing that happened,

how many awful things happened each day. and they're right in front of us. And there's such an immediacy to it all. that I think it can be, it can like paralyze us with terror, right? And for someone. who's young and trying to make their ways, like how do you figure your way out in this world that. you're worried isn't even gonna exist, right? And then you see how propagate. the generations before you are right? In so many ways. And there can become, I think a push towards extremes, either nihilism or I'm gonna change everything, right?

And it's like, look, how about let's start from how do. I wanna behave in my own community, right? Which starts with like, how do I wanna behave in my household, right? What kind of neighbor do I wanna be? I mean, it might seem like things like that. are silly or small in comparison. to the big things, but I don't think they are. I think that's how, you know, that's how we start building foundations that. lets us tackle the big things. And then I do find myself saying, when I'm working with sometimes doing therapy. with younger people. of helping them kind of bring back their thoughts,

their strivings, their decisions more to themselves and. living with and around themselves more instead of in. something that becomes very theoretical. and therefore very threatening and unnerving. - So focusing on the people around them, taking one small step at a time to form deeper connections. to build something locally. - Yeah. How do I wanna be today? If I go into the grocery store. and the person in front of me drops something,

you know, I can clock in scallop as you know, 'cause I'm in a rush, right? And I could be like that, right? I can be like that. I've been that way many, many times in my life, right? And it's never done anyone a bit of good, including me. Or I can realize like, the 10 seconds aren't gonna matter. Can I help pick that thing up? Or just smiling? These are the seemingly small things. that I think make the tenor of our lives. - Yeah, I moved, I think I mentioned to you offline, one of the really, the main reason I moved to Austin, Texas,

I just remembered deciding it when I went to Walmart. and a lady said, you look handsome in that tie. or in that suit and tie, whatever. Like, I don't think anyone's ever said older lady, she was very sweet. There's kindness in her eyes. She said that, I don't think anyone ever said anything like that to me. in my entire life. And it was just, I don't know. It was like, wow, there's kindness in this world. I know this sounds ridiculous, but like. - Does not sound ridiculous. - And it's like those,

you could be that for somebody, right? Go walk around in Walmart. - Right? Think about you remember that? And it's pivotal. You're citing it as, Hey, that was a big part of me moving here. Something with the branch point in your life. that comes from the simple kindness, right. Of a person who had goodness to give, right. Anne wasn't scared that you're gonna be upset by it. or right. Right, she probably didn't have. the thought that you could be assailing, right? Probably. She looks you, she's got goodness to give.

It's simple to give it, it's that simple. And it's beautiful and it's worth more to you than like, how many studies would be on. where's a right to live or this or that. None of that matters. What mattered was the freedom to be kind. - And that's emotion, that's not logic at all. That's purely just human emotion. and a little bit of humanness. that little bit of connection. and then that's what makes life great. - Which is why it's not a bad idea, right? That you moved here that way. Instead of one could say, well,

I can't believe you did that instead of looking at all the. data and hiring consultants of. what's the best place to live. But that would be wrong, right? Like, you made a good decision, right? Like that was good data. It was impactful data even in your thoughts. about how you're happy living here, right? It's not that, oh, you discount, you shortchange yourself. by not relying on all the logic, right? You felt something about the place and you felt it as. symbolized in a person and that made the choice for you. - It's a balance of course, but you also have to know yourself a little bit.

Sometimes you can find stability and comfort and kind of. reasoning things out a little bit, maybe. as people close to me have sometimes criticized in that I'm. a little bit too romantic where I'll just follow the feeling. and, you know, life, you know, there's physics, there's a reality to this world, and sometimes reality doesn't allow you to flourish. if you just follow your feelings.

But there's a dance there. And it's happiness is ultimately fallen in that landscape of. feeling and emotion versus facts and reason and logic. - As you said, have their place. Right? They have their place. - They do, they do. - But they're not the be all and end all. - You're an incredible person. Andrew Huberman is a friend of yours is, he said, you absolutely must talk called the, the number of people you know. that are just incredible people.

There's just this group of folks that somehow helped each. other flourish and grew together. And I'm just, I'm so happy you exist. I'm so happy you're doing the work you're doing. and can't wait for your second book. - Thank you. - And thank you for talking today. This was really cool. - Thank you so much. I'm proud to be among the group of people that you cited, proud to be their friend. and proud that you've had me on today. Thank you so much. - Thank you, Paul. - Thanks for listening to this conversation with Paul Conti. To support this podcast. Please check out our sponsors in the description.

And now let me leave you with some words from Victor Frankl. "Everything can be taken from a man with the last of the. human freedoms to choose one's attitude. in any given set of circumstances.". Thank you for listening and hope to see you next time.