Secrets to Loving Yourself ft. Jay Shetty | Khloé in Wonder Land Episode 2 | Khloé Kardashian

I had to deal with a lot of trauma to. get to this point I believe you're. worthy of love and you deserve love I. know what was done to me was not about. me everyone in the world thinks that. romantic love is the highest form of. love I'd argue that a mother's love for. her child is far more the truest purest. form of love I'm not dating because my. relationship with my kids it's. everything to me I'm willing to give up. or sacrifice anything in order to put. love at the center of my life this is.

more than a show it's a window into my. world and the stories that make it. meaningful welcome to Chloe and. Wonderland I know we last saw each other. in India actually me you your wife Kim. we were there for a fabulous wedding yes. and you actually took us by where you. practice being a monk yes took you to. one of the temples I lived at yeah was. so beautiful to share that with you. thank you for being so.

curious and open and respectful it was. wonderful to see just how many questions. you both had and how gracious you were I. read your book think like a monk a while. ago and just you know I'm a little sick. but one of the reasons. why I loved you said I wrote it down so. I don't want to mumble it up but I love. that you wrote the work you were doing. in the corporate world started to feel. like it had no meaning because you. didn't see the positive impact it had in. society and one of the reasons why I.

wanted to do this podcast so badly is I. don't want to discredit anything else. that I do I love fashion and fragrance. and I love our TV show I get to spend. all this time with my family but. sometimes I feel like there has to be. more of an impact that we're leaving on. other people and with this. podcast and you know there's going to be. times where it's laughter and humorous. and fun but then there's also times.

where you get someone like you who's all. about depth and you learn so much and. you it's really about paying it forward. well you're being so kind and gracious. I'm I'm really touched by that and I. think for me when you grow up in an. Indian family you have three choices and. the three choices would be a doctor a. lawyer or a failure and it really does. feel like that sometimes I feel like I. grew up not even knowing what careers. existed Beyond a certain set and I think.

for me what inspired me a lot was I was. studying the lives of people that really. inspired me and that's why I love what. you're doing with Wonderland because I. felt like my teens were kind of like. that I was exposed to so many different. stories biographies autobiographies. people that I'd never met and I was. reading about Martin Luther King I was. reading about Malcolm X I was also. reading Dwayne The Rock Johnson and. David Beckham and that's where it comes. in I had this balance since day one and. what I found in all all of them was that.

they had faith and spirituality. somewhere it existed in some part part. of their life and what was beautiful is. that you could see that these people. were always driven from a deeper place. and when I would read the words of. Martin Luther King or I'd read the words. of Malcolm X I'd always feel like they. were just living in this invisible world. inside right and I just thought to. myself that if everyone in my life that. I respect and Admire have.

all worked from a deeper place then. maybe that's something worth pursuing. and I think it was very simple and basic. if I'm honest Chloe I saw a lot of. people around me who were doing well. financially who were doing well. materially who were doing well. career-wise but they weren't happy and I. think when I was 18 I'd met people who. were beautiful I'd met people who were. Rich I'd met people who were strong and. powerful but they weren't happy and. fulfilled and so I thought to myself. when I met the I was like they seem.

happy they seem fulfilled now I have to. caveat that with I don't think it's. because you can't be happy in the. material world I don't think it's. because you can't have a fulfilled life. with a day-to-day job I I really have to. clarify that I think I just hadn't had. that experience so for me there was. curiosity there was a desire to a big. part of it was wanting to master my mind. I just really felt that a lot of emotion.

that you experienc in your teenage years. I just felt this calling to say if I. could Master my mind that would be a. worthy Pursuit and if I could figure out. how to serve other people that would be. a worthy Pursuit and the monks had both. of those things where they were trying. to master their emotions and help people. it's what you said at the beginning of. this that you do so much to build. incredible platform but then you also. want to know how to have an impact they. were the first people I met that. embodied both things but think The. Bravery it takes because it's like the.

weight of the world is on You by that. decision yes and you being able to make. that decision because it's not selfish. it's selfless that's for you because or. else it does become very mundane life we. know all these people that have all. these things but they might not be happy. because it doesn't really satisfy their. souls they're doing it probably because. they can't get off the ride yeah once. you're on and also once. you live this lifestyle sometimes you.

feel like you have to keep it up even if. you don't want it half the time for sure. but either social media or which I hate. to say that but we all become a prisoner. to social media in some regard or our. circle of friends around us it could be. on a grand scale or a small scale my. friends who have the ninto FES seem so. much happier than my friends that maybe. do more of the showy type of stuff. because I feel like they have more that. they're trying to prove to society so I.

think by. you I understand you were much younger. and at a different stage in your life. but even just you saying that to your. family and going to India yeah that. seems like a huge responsibility and. also not a burden but like a huge weight. that you had to carry because you almost. had to prove it to your family yeah it. was it was definitely hard when I made. the decision because all of my friends. and family were super confused they. thought how are you going to give up you. just you know you're going to graduate. you're going to get a.

degree always been a straight A student. and now you're going to give that all up. to become a monk and like why and so no. one could really understand me no one. could no one was seeing me for what I. could see and why it was so important to. me it wasn't this popular decision where. I had like a leaving party or anything. like that it was I remember my mom was. crying my my extended family were saying. things like you're never going to get a. job this the worst decision of your life. it's career suicide you're letting your.

family down like it was it came with a. lot of pressure and especially because. my parents are also both not really well. to do everyone was like well who's going. to take care of your parents but who's. going to take care of your family right. and so there was a lot of pressure I was. carrying a lot of guilt there was also. the worry of well if it doesn't work. what am I going to say maybe all these. people will be right and I left to like. this heavy feeling of I'm really excited. about this and I have to do it for. myself and I think that's the part that.

I'm really glad I did it at that early. age because I got a confidence from. early on in my life that no one had to. agree with me for me to make the right. decision I didn't have to crowdsource no. and answer what everyone agreed I just. had to know that it felt right within me. and I think I started listening to my. inner voice since I was 14 so it's so. loud for me that I can't ignore it wow. even till this day Ela said something. like that like her whole career is based.

like I again I'm paraphrasing the story. but I guess when she was like four years. old her grandmother was hanging clothes. on a drying W uh you know the drying. string outside and her grandmother said. something like you're going to be doing. this one day and she said oh no I'm not. and that was the voice in her head and. then forever she just learned to listen. to that voice and she said the only time. she's made the wrong choices is when she. didn't listen to that voice I can agree. with that completely but for you to have.

that confidence and. to have that voice and to listen to it. like and especially with all the. naysayers and everything against you I. mean it just is a testament to who you. are and that there is something Divine. and Loud inside of you yeah inside of. all of us not just inside of me I think. that anyone who's wondering going oh Jay. I don't have that voice I haven't heard. it for a long time like where is it the. truth is we all have it we've just. quieted it for so long it's almost like. you know I mean you're a mom you know.

what it feels like to be a parent but if. every time your child runs to you and. has something to say you're like oh just. be quiet just be quiet I I need to focus. just be quiet then the kid will come the. next time and then they'll be like Mom. Mom Mom like can I tell you and you be. like no just be quiet just be quiet just. be quiet over some time that kid will. learn to just be quiet and now all of a. sudden they don't get to express how. they feel they don't get to share their. emotions they don't get to open up about. their feelings and that's the voice. inside of us the voice inside of us is.

just this little child who's been. guiding us directing us sharing with us. what Our Truth is but we told it to. quieten down because our parents voice. was loud because our teacher voice was. loud because our aunt's voice was loud. whoever's voice kind of was the loudest. and the strongest it was easy to get. that kid to be quiet so I would. encourage everyone to sit with their. child within themselves and let it speak. and by the way right now if you haven't.

done it for a long time it may say some. stuff that you don't want to hear and it. may say something that you find. uncomfortable but I promise you it's. doing it because it loves you and wants. you to have that dialogue every day and. so I think thinking about it through the. lens of a mother is probably the best. way because you have direct tangible. experience of what that feels like but. imagine you're mothering the child. within yourself oh that's beautiful do. you think there's ways to for someone. who has no idea what that that voice. sounds like like to strengthen that or.

to pay attention to that voice do you. think it's through meditation or I would. say I think it's. Through Stillness and when you think. about monk life a lot of it is. unrelatable right we wake up at 400 a.m. you live out of a gym locker all your. possessions fit inside this Tiny Box. yeah you saw I was like oh my it was you. saw it yeah yeah you saw it and so and. and now I have too many clothes to f. like even even yeah and so you're living.

this very unrelatable life but if I had. to think about what was relatable about. that time or what I took away away that. anyone and everyone in the world could. practice it's something I like to call. 1111 because they're angel numbers and. people love those and so it's like one. day a week spend one hour by yourself so. that's on your own and then ask yourself. one question and the one question is. what is Meaningful to me me that I've.

been deprioritizing lately what's really. important to me in my heart but I keep. letting it fall to the bottom of the. to-do list and I really believe that if. we did that and sat with that question. the answer will emerge so naturally and. you're not what's really interesting. about the world is I think we live in a. world where we feel we have to like. demand an answer or Force an answer and. the universe is like people if I force. you to give me an answer chances are. you'll feel uncomfortable and even if.

you give me it it won't be the deepest. answer but when I ask it as almost like. a plea a sincere. request uh a hopeful request then. everything unfolds and a person in front. of you just melts open and so when. you're talking to yourself don't demand. it don't be like oh I don't know what. the answer is I can't hear my inner. voice when it's that resistance it. almost creates a lot of tension and so I. would say one day a week for 1 hour. sit on your own and ask yourself one.

question what is it that is so important. to me that I keep deprioritizing and. that question is the number one question. that allows your inner voice to rise. because it allows yourself to be honest. authentic and it allows yourself to be. truthful with yourself in that safe. space so I I highly recommend that as a. practice and so you don't have to learn. meditation you don't have to build a new. habit you just have to try that. Chloe and Wonderland is sponsored by.

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./ today to get 10% off your first month. that's betterhelp. hp.com betterhelp.com. I think the problem so many people have. is they can't be alone with themselves I. think in today's day and age they need I. mean our phone social media everything. has become such an avoid for things it's.

a distraction you see people standing in. line at the grocery store they can't. just wait for the check out they're. constantly on their phone they need. something to do um we've all become like. that fidgety whatever the case may be. where for me when I started to meditate. I'm still not great at it but I practice. it the first time I started I was. thinking this is so stupid I can't do. this like I my I hear all these voices. in my head and it's telling me you have. to do this I have to make TR lunch or.

whatever it is that just to put out. there for the listeners that it takes. time sure to get to that 1111 for sure. and and studies show that we have to be. compassionate they did a reset study. with men and women and they ask them. whether they wanted to be alone with. their thoughts for 15 minutes or give. themselves an electric shock don't tell. me so here's the stats 27% of women. chose an electric shop and 60 % of men.

chose an electric shot wow and when they. were asked why they said it's because. they didn't want to be alone with their. thoughts just as you said and so I have. to we have to look at this. compassionately with ourselves and the. people around us that's normality we. don't want to be alone with our thoughts. but it's a practice that only gets. easier the more you do it and you start. to feel comfortable in your own company. you start to feel okay in your own mind. and by the way one of the reasons why we. struggle to sleep and why we struggle to. do all of this is the only time we ever.

listen to our thoughts is when our head. hits the pillow so if you did that. before your head hit the pillow chances. are you'll have a much more restful. sleep you're so right you'll actually be. able to disconnect because that's the. only time we actually go Inward and so. don't save it for the pillow do it. before the pillow do it before you get. into bed and you might even have a much. more restful sleep so I don't think just. getting close to your thoughts is about. meditation or it's about living a more. meaningful life I think it impacts. yourth Health it impacts your. physicality it impacts your stress it.

impacts how much you can listen to. others because you're not constantly. lost and so I think it's a habit that. will benefit every relationship in your. life and it will definitely experience a. better relationship with yourself no I. agree completely now that you are where. you are are your. parents like proud of everything you've. done I like are they like yes we. encouraged you do they have a different. narrative so Indian parents are very. interesting but I I would love to I need. and I want to hear your thoughts on this.

too because I feel like I'm sure you've. done things that you know were. counterintuitive to what family wanted. so I want to hear about yours but I. would say my mom is my number one fan. and I think that's a mom way to be right. so my mom's always like like I love it. when I see your mom like post like what. each of you are doing and what you're up. to she's so proud and it's so sweet and. my mom's like that too like I'll be like. Mom don't tell anyone this I'm just. telling you like I'm going on Chloe's. podcast like don't tell anyone and she. would be like on the phone to her friend. like. everything.

and she'll get a call from like some. random insurance company or like. whatever it is and she'll be like oh. yeah did you know my sons and so my. mom's a sweetheart and I'm happy for her. to have that because she sacrificed so. much for me my mom was the main bread. winner she made us breakfast lunch and. dinner every day she dropped us to. school me and my younger sister she. picked us up from school she made us. dinner she did our homework with us and. then went out to work and came back so. my mom is Superwoman and incredible and.

she's been through so much hardship in. her life that if that makes her happy. I'm like have it and yesterday we were. at a team dinner and we were playing. that game uh we're not really strangers. I don't know that game it's a really. good card game where you just pick cards. but they have really good questions oh I. love card games yeah and so we we were. playing with my team and I picked one. and my one said what was your happiest. memory this year and my happiest memory. was my mom came out to spend some time. with me in LA and mom's quite a Restless. Busy Body she always wants to do stuff.

she always wants to be active and this. was the first time in my whole life I'd. seen her just be at peace in my and I. was so happy to see that because she's. 70 years old yeah and to see her be so. comfortable with herself without needing. to do anything it was my happiest memory. of the year so all of that to say my mom. is very happy my dad's a man of few. words and he will sometimes say. something but it will be like the.

tiniest thing and I'll tell you. something Chloe that really resonated. with me because of all of this I'm sure. you can relate to. this I found over time and this isn't. just about me it's about all of us I. found that ultimately no one will ever. be able to truly celebrate or validate. you for what you. do like as your friend and as someone. who appreciates you and I you know since. the beginning I always love seeing how. you are. you know with true and everything else.

just like how special that bond is for. you no matter how close you are with. anyone only you know as a mother how. much love you have yes how much you've. sacrificed how hard you've worked and. the only person who can validate you is. you and so even my parents who love me. who've sacrificed so much for me they. can't validate me and I can't validate. them I can try to understand them and I. should but I really learned over time. that I have to validate myself I have to. close my eyes and thank myself celebrate.

myself appreciate myself are you good at. doing that I've learned I've had to be. because I started to realize that no one. else could do it for me even I'm sure. you have it let's say you have a great. success like something a good American. or whatever it may be and and someone. says to you like oh Chloe that was. incredible and it feels good but there's. still something else and I think a lot. of us have relied on other people to. make us feel good which is why we don't. know how to make ourselves feel good. which is why whenever something happens. we're waiting for the mess messages or. the look or the acknowledgement and when.

it doesn't come or it doesn't come as. deeply it almost feels like we haven't. achieved enough and then we keep trying. to get to that next mountain and that. next mountain and that next Mountain. hoping that if we do something bigger. and better more people will celebrate us. but actually they just get more immune. to it right and so I I've really become. good at practicing it because I've. learned that if I can close my eyes. validate appreciate and celebrate.

myself there is no better feeling and I. think it's so antithetical because most. of us find it cringy or weak or whatever. it may be but the truth is egotistical. or egotistical because I think I'm. really bad at celebrating myself I think. that well I know I'm phenomenal at. celebrating others and I mean it with. every fiber of me I'm like everyone's. biggest cheerleader I'm so happy and me. and my family we're not competitive. we're most motivated by one another so.

if someone is like oh I just did X Y and. Z I'm like yes you rock and then I'm. like I want to do that too but not in an. envious way in a like they lit a fire. under me type of way but I'm not good at. being like wow I started my own podcast. like I think whether they be big or. small like just because I started this. like that's an accomplishment doesn't. mean it has to be the number one podcast. show and I have to take every little. step and applaud myself because years.

ago I used to and I feel like I lost. that I lo it's weird I lost more of my. confidence in myself the longer I've. been in this industry so interesting as. opposed to the opposite because I've I. don't know I feel as much as I like to. say I try not to listen to the negative. on social or this or that when we. started was in 2006 or 2007 and there. was no Instagram there was no I think.

there was like Myspace and Facebook. Twitter came a little bit later and you. just weren't the noise wasn't so loud. because we had blackberries it was like. a great different innocent time and um. the louder the noise got as much as you. don't want to hear it you still hear it. even a little bit and it it does even if. you don't believe it it does yes chip. away at you and what's interesting is. you would think that I would be like so.

immune and I'm Teflon and this doesn't. bother me but even if I say it doesn't. I've realized that subconsciously it. does and that I like I love what you. said I do want to sit there and. celebrate myself whe whether they be big. or smaller even sometimes if I've had a. crazy day with my kids and I'm like okay. at the end of the day I'm like I'm just. happy we all made it through the day tot. like sometimes that is the. accomplishment for the day and that's. enough yeah and I hope you'll do that I.

hope you'll take a moment I hope. everyone who's listening and watching. will do that today just close your eyes. for a moment validate something that you. want everyone to validate we all want to. be validated for something you're a. really hard worker you're a really good. mom you put your best foot forward every. day you're a kind person we all want to. hear those things and let's say them to. ourselves we all want to be appreciated. for some part of ourselves and we all. want to be celebrated for something and. I just feel like we have to to start. with ourselves we have to do it for.

ourselves because then when someone else. does it it's a bonus you appreciate it. you can also honor them back whereas. when you're waiting for it for someone. and it never comes and they don't have. time for I'll give you an example like. my. wife I remember this a few years ago my. wife said to me I've had such a hard day. and I said to her tell me about it I've. had such a hard week and what I was. doing was I was using her her. opportunity to just Express how she felt.

with me to validate myself because I. wasn't validating I was working hard so. I was taking her moment of being like oh. I've had such a hard day babe like I'm. you know I'm just and I'm like yeah tell. me about it I'm working way harder than. you are like I had to make it about me. and afterwards when I sat there and I. apologized to I was thinking why was I. doing that and I was doing that because. I don't validate myself for working hard. I'm waiting for it for someone else and. so as soon as someone else opens up I'm. hijacking their validation and making. about me so you think about all the.

relationships in your life that would be. bettered if you weren't stealing someone. else's. validation I call them the one ERS yes. I've been one of those guys why are. these people one up in anything you do. it could be positive negative it's the. one ERS but now do you guys make sure. you sort of check in with each other is. that a way that to avoid that like you. make sure you have time to be like how. was your like do you make that a. priority to talk about if there's. anything you guys want to talk about on.

that level yeah there there's there's. four check-ins I like to do with my wife. every year so one of them is a checkin. we do every single week and the question. is what was your highlight of the week. and I love that because it lets me see. what she values it lets me see what's. important to her so she's like oh yeah. my highlight was I talked to this really. cool guest on my podcast and they were. talking about so many interesting things. I'm like oh got it like she's passionate. about whatever it may be and I feel like. when you tell someone your highlight you. learn so much about this and that's also.

mirrored with she can tell me what the. hardest thing was she went through that. week uh every month I'll ask her what do. you need help with this week that way I. know what she's struggling with yeah so. she might just be like or actually it's. usually me I'm like hey babe I've got a. really busy month this month I've got. like backtack days schedule's crazy just. please know that I'll be present as much. as I can but if I'm on my phone a bit or. whatever just let me know just give me a. second give me some Grace and let me. know because I I might not be the best. version of myself at all times so that's.

every month every quarter this one's a. tough one but it's really helped us I. always ask the question is this. relationship going in the direction we. want and if it isn't what are we both. willing to do so are we both going and. moving in the way we want to and if it. isn't what are you willing to change and. what am I willing to change and every. year the obvious ones I'll say what's. your goals this year and how can I help. you and so I feel those check-ins are so. important because the first one tells me. what she loves the second one tells me. what she's struggling with the third one.

tells me what I need to change and what. we need to do and the fourth one again. tells me where we're going and so those. four check-ins have become a part of a. regular part of our Lives now and I love. that sometimes she gets annoyed when I. bring them up but no I love that I mean. ever since I was little with my Dad we. would have family dinner and every. dinner we would do the peak in the pit. of our day and my kids I do that with my. kids but they're young so they'll tell. me oh you know the the most basic thing. but it's cute to implement that into.

their what kind of stuff did they say Oh. They'll be like oh my favorite part was. when you forgot I forgot to brush my. daughter's teeth one time we were like. and I freaked out and we got a. toothbrush I brushed her teeth at school. but she thinks it's so funny that I. forgot to do that and I'm always like. well you have to remember your six too. so but she loves to bring that up but. that was one of her favorite Parts cute. I love that and I just thought that was. funny that that's what she remembers and. so but just little things like that yeah.

um and you know a lot of them will say. that they love our family dinners cuz I. have family dinners with like I do Bible. study every Thursday at my house for my. nieces and nephews and um so last night. I had seven of them and we go around the. table and we tell them and some can be. crazy like they liked that they pulled. someone's pants down or something I'm. like you guys are just nuts but they're. at that age but it's just good to get. thatt going yeah um so I think it's so.

important to do that it's so great that. you have those rituals with them already. and that stems from my dad my dad's been. gone for like 21 years and it's still. something we do so things like that you. will probably pass down you'll do it in. a different version with your children. and then they pass it down and I really. find that. beautiful we all have trauma whether it. be big or small I always joke I'm always.

like well my kids better not talk about. childhood trauma because they have the. best freaking lives and they do but it's. going to happen it's the inevitable but. were there ever moments where you found. yourself reacting to something and. realized it was an old wound showing up. and it was misdirected energy and if so. how do you catch yourself in doing that. yeah first of all I want to say how. great it is that you can accept that no. matter how amazing a mom you are and how. great the kids' childhoods are that.

there will be inevitably I I say it all. the time to my wife whenever we're. talking about having children I'll. always just say like we're we're not. going to get it perfect and they're. going to have something that they. disagree with what we did no matter how. well intentioned it was no matter how. thoughtful we were no matter how many. hours we both spent trying to be so. conscious they're going to find a way. like I know kids whose parents push them. too hard and they're like I was pushed. too hard I wish I had more fre free time. and then I know people who had loads of.

free time and they're like I wish you. pushed me more hard I'd be more. disciplined right and so there's always. going to be that for me there was a. really interesting one and it's for me. what's fascinating is a lot of my wounds. and triggers come out in my relationship. with my wife that's where I see them and. I think I see them there very visibly. because I'm most myself with her but. also because I'm. most honest with myself in how I am with. her because I want to love her and I. want to be a great husband and that's. the part where I evaluate myself the.

most because it's a role I take. seriously so I found that when me and my. wife first got together we've been. together for 11 years now I would be one. of the most overloving people so I was. really good at like showing up but being. over the top in love but what I would do. is I'd then make her feel guilty if she. didn't over love me back so I do all of. this stuff because I wanted to not. because she asked right and then if she. didn't reciprocate at the same level I.

would then make her feel guilty for it. or as if she didn't love me as much and. I realized that that's how my mom loved. me growing up it was how my mom loved me. my mom loved me and my sister with all. her heart but then we often were made to. feel guilty if we didn't live up to that. and so that's how I was loved so that's. the only way I knew how to love and when. I kept doing it to my wife and it just. kept pushing her away and I saw her. becoming more distant and I saw that she. didn't love me more when I made her feel.

guilty she loved me less I started to. question what am I doing where does this. come from why does it exist and I. realized it all came from that in that I. was loved in that way so when you say. how do you spot these I always call it. focus on the gifts and the gaps from. your parents your parents gave you. certain gifts now we expect those gifts. from others and not everyone's going to. be able to live up to our parents' love. right and then our parents left gaps. there were ways in which they didn't. love us and now we want everyone else to.

fill them so those are the two types of. trigger that we all feel and so if you. look at your life and go what gifts did. my parents give me and where do I expect. them and what gaps did my parents leave. and where do I expect other people to. fill them that gives you a really clear. way of noticing where your trauma stems. from and so as soon as I noticed that I. realized that if I wanted to have a. healthy relationship with my wife I had. to love her how I wanted to love her and. let her love me how she wanted to love. me and as long as we were willing to.

accept both of those there was a healthy. relationship there but if I was going to. force her or want her to reciprocate in. the same way as I was giving then I was. setting us up both for failure but the. brain you have because it's our brain is. a muscle and it is not very easy to. reprogram it it takes so much effort and. conscious effort to to do such a thing. so for you to be able to identify it as. one thing but to actually Implement that.

and live like live like that I mean. that's you have a. very. determined um just you're you have a. very strong willed mind no I just want. every day to be filled with love yeah I. believe that I'm worthy of love I. deserve love and I believe that she is. worthy of love and she deserves love I. believe you're worthy of love and you. deserve love and because I don't want to. live a day without love I think Life's. too short to live any day without love.

I'm willing to give up or sacrifice. anything in order to put love at the. center of my life because I've seen. Loveless relationships I've seen. Loveless friendships and family members. a Loveless life is never going to be a. fulfilling one and that's one of the. things I appreciate so much about you. and your family whenever I've spent time. with any of you in in different. configurations uh there's so much love. like there's so much love you have for. each other and it's true and it's real.

and the appreciation that you know that. you have for one another and the respect. you have for one another it's so. powerful and it's it's really beautiful. to. witness because I think that also we've. put romantic love on this pedestal where. like everyone in the world thinks that. romantic love is the highest form of. love right and that if you have that you. mastered love right if you've had a long. marriage you must have had the most love.

in your life and I actually think we've. set ourselves up for failure because if. we're saying that romantic love is the. only number one love and all the other. loves are kind of like whatever we're. missing out on so many more. opportunities and I'd argue that a. mother's love for her child is far more. the truest purest form of love which is. what all the spiritual literature say. yeah and and you you experienced that as. a mother I've experienced it as a son. and so I actually think what watching. families find love watching siblings.

find love watching parents and their. kids find love should not be undervalued. or underestimated is filling your life. with love I agree so much for me my ex. him and I are not together anymore but. we co-parent really really well but I've. chosen to not and because I genuinely. don't want to right now I'm not dating. because my relationship with my kids. just is it's everything to me and not. not that that means people who are. dating if when they have kids anything.

but where I am in my life right now I. just really want to nurture this love. and I just want to be as present as I. can I don't want any distractions right. now in my life if I meet someone in two. months two years and I Fall In Love. great but I'm not actively on the dating. scene searching for someone and I'm so. happy I feel so fulfilled and I also. love that I've. taken about 3 years off of dating. and I feel like I've really got to know.

myself on a deeper level it's that thing. about avoidance or distracting and when. you're stuck with yourself you're like. okay I gotta come face to face with this. version of me or what do I want to. perfect or how can I be a better person. in this area and so that's really what. I've been doing in hopes that when I do. meet my next partner it will. be the my forever partner yeah but also. the right one that I would want to be. around my children and around my family. but nurturing those relationships with.

my mom my siblings my kids my nieces and. nephews that means more to me than. anything else in my life right now and. then the person I invite in would just. be that bonus yeah but I had to deal. with a lot. of trauma to get to this point like. that's also we were talking about the. beginning don't discredit the things. that brought you to this journey yeah. cuz even though I wouldn't on anyone. what I went through Ro.

romantically I'm also not ashamed of. anything I went through romantically I. also think it's one of my superpowers. that I went through those things and I. still have such a softness for love and. for life and like how you see you want. to see love every day and in every. situation so do I and I don't think for. a. second oh the world is condemned and. look at you and you're a you know a. piece of you know what like I don't. think like that yeah I just think okay. that was my journey I was supposed to go. on it made me better it I don't know and.

it brought me to this point that's. more in a healthy isolation where I can. reflect and work on myself but I'm at. the stage of my life that I'm willing to. I think if this would have happened 10. years ago I would have been like let me. go to the club and because I would be. you know 30 because I just turned 40 I'm. not going to be in the club and doing. all that but you know if this happened. when I was younger I would have been. like let me just go hook up with a bunch. of guys and it's that's just distracting.

and bearing that but that trauma is. going to resurface later yeah can I ask. you something about that of course how. did you learn to not take it personally. because I think that's what makes the. difference in when we still feel lovable. and when we feel we're not deserving of. love how did you learn that everything. that happened to you almost wasn't. personal for me it was so much of my. faith so I am a Christian I and I think. I used to take theology in school and I.

love theology I love learning about. other religions and the root of it is. really there's a higher being and we all. answer to that higher being at one point. in life and for me it was having a lot. of conversations with God when I pray. they're more. conversational and I would just talk and. I. realized that wasn't my journey like it. was a part of my journey but that wasn't. a reflection of me it was that per I was. used for that person to learn life.

lessons and I I also feel that because. I'm strong enough and my response like. yes in the moment if someone did. something not great to me I probably had. not the best reaction but that would be. immediately but afterwards I've always. handled things with respect and kindness. and no matter what someone did to me I. was never manipulative or trying to do. the same thing back and I think what. people don't get it's not eye for an ey.

when you do eye for an eye that other. person isn't learning anything they're. just like well see that's why that's why. I cheated on you or that's why I did. that they always say that but if you I. don't want to say like take something on. the chin but for a lack of a better. expression sure if you deal with it and. if you're strong enough to. say okay this isn't my journey that was. for them to experience but it was me to. learn and to see the signs that I don't. want in my next partner like that I.

think was part of my journey but I know. what was done to me was not about me I. know that was about them and they have. past trauma that they've never healed. from and every time when you ask someone. like why' you do this and they'll bring. up oh my parents or I came from a broken. house it's always something like that. it's never about the immediate. relationship it's always from years past. but I think if it wasn't for my. family um so my core Circle and also my.

relationship with God yeah I just. learned it wasn't about. me but maybe in the beginning like when. this. happened probably with my first husband. I was younger and I think that was a lot. harder for me but what's interesting is. with each. relationship where something bad has. happened I didn't take it and was like. whoa was me I'm this victim I took it. more like okay that's another layer of. armor that I'm putting on myself that I.

can get through anything else that. happens in my life but it's also not. going to harden me for my next. relationship like I'm really big on not. taking all of that baggage with me yeah. but I still like to carry it a little. just so I'm reminded I think of like the. red flags that I'm supposed to see now. but it's not going to make me project. that on to my next partner yeah. absolutely but also for my kids like I. never want to be that person that my. kids are like oh I'm going to get.

married and I'm like well good luck I I. really hate when people take their. relationships project it and they. project it like I do believe in happily. ever after I am one of those hopeless. Romantics and I love the fairy tale and. the fantasy regardless of what's ever. happened to me I'm always going to be. that girl and I think we should be like. I love a good Disney movie that's so. beautiful thank you for sharing that. it's so beautiful to hear that I'm sure. it's gonna help a lot of people hearing. that because I think most of us do the.

opposite in those moments and I'm sure. you did for some time but it's beautiful. when someone's come out the other side. so and I think a lot of it is the. isolation period I think is so healthy. for us because if you just constantly. distract you're never going to face the. problem but it's always going to be. there and I love writing so I write and. it's never for people to see but I think. that's so therapeutic if people write. down their thoughts and it could be. sometimes I don't know what the hell I'm. going to write the pen is just on paper.

and it's gibberish then all of a sudden. sentences flow and I'm like wow that was. that was really insightful and that was. okay and then I keep going maybe on that. but whatever your religion is whatever. your faith I just think lean into that. ask the questions like you said the. 11-11 method um and your circle of. friends but you want to make sure your. friends are like mind did cuz if you. have a bitter friend or someone that's.

holding on projecting their own life. that's yeah that makes it really hard it. does yeah yeah I've I've learned over. time. that whenever you kind of mock or laugh. at someone else's experience the. universe finds a way to give you the. same experience I've had that happen to. me so many times where you just think. how could you be affected by that right. that's so insignificant like my one of. my friends and I one of my best friends. and I would always just be like oh we. don't understand how people cry about. stuff like that and then we both went.

through something we're like crying to. each other on the other side of the. phone you know just we're being all. alpha male about it before and being. like Oh come on he's he's got no issues. what's he crying about yeah then the. universe gives you something and you're. in the same exact it happens all the. time happens all the time and you got be. so careful what you disregard in someone. else's experience or kind of shrug off. or you laugh out or you go oh God what. do they know like when you're doing that. you're just setting it up for you to. learn the same lesson and it's way more. painful than if you were just. understanding and right conscious with.

that person that's also why I wish. people like with social media they. realized so many of these people that. are saying something not that we want. them to go through that experience but. they just they don't know about your. journey and but you're what's the quote. like why would you. take advice no why would you take. criticism from someone you would never. take advice from yes and it's so true. and you're listening to people that you. don't even know you don't know they. could be eight years old 10 years old. behind the screen and they're just like. you're ugly like SS and it shatters that.

person and that's always been so. interesting to me how we can let that. let that happen to us but yeah you don't. know them and they don't know you no why. do we care well Jay thank you so much. for bearing with my voice number one but. also just for having such a great. conversation with me um you know me and. my family love and adore you and I. appreciate you coming here and being one. of my first guests on my podcast well. thank you for having me from Legend I. appreciate it no thank you for having me.

and just I you're such a brilliant host. thank you like I really felt like we. were just hanging and chatting on the. couch and it really did feel that way. and I want to thank you and your whole. family for just having been so wonderful. to me over the years I'm so grateful to. each and every one of you and I'm always. here for you too if there's anything I'm. always rooting for you I'm forever in. your corner so same for us love and. adore you my mom really thinks you're. her son so that makes me feel oh my gosh. she's I told you so upset she can't be. here today to see you love to give her a. hug I know I'll tell her for sure thank.

you J thank you me amazing than you.