Raising Resilient Kids, Setting Limits & Mom Guilt ft. Dr. Becky | Khloé In Wonder Land Ep. 18

[Music]. Hi, I'm so excited about Dr. Me too. Thank you so much for having me. Thank. you. The most important thing as a. parent is just your mindset because. unconsciously we think our kids distress. is our fault and then we rush in to fix. it. No one likes to see their kid upset, right? But that's what resilience is. later on. But it's messy as heck. When.

you set a boundary as a parent, a kid. always has the same reaction. They. tantrum. They protest, right? Because. they're not getting the thing they want. And that is a hard human experience. Yes. We say my kid doesn't listen. But. the hard truth is actually as parents, we're just not really setting the. boundary soon enough. I agree. Do you. have any tips for mom guilt? First of. all, anticipate that voice and remind. myself this is a sign I'm doing. something new, not something wrong. Like.

so many things open up as possibilities, right? I like that you said like prepare. yourself. Let yourself know you're going. to hear this voice. That's normal. Yes. But keep on going. Keep on going. [Music]. Thank you, Dr. Becky, for being here on. Chloe and Wonderland. I'm so excited. I. was telling you off camera that when I.

told my group that you were coming on. today, my phone lit up like a Christmas. tree. Everyone was like submitting me. questions. I'm like, I don't know if I. can get to everything, but who needs I. mean like a showrunner when I just have. like my focus group on my phone with. you? It's crazy. Do you get that. reaction a lot? I think it speaks to. how being a parent is the hardest and I. think most important job in the world. and it's probably the only job we're. given zero education for and we're told. as women it should come naturally. And.

so there's a very big gap between like. this parent we want to be and how much. we care about it and then how. challenging it is. And so I think we all. have a lot of questions because it's so. hard, but also because kind of the world. has really underprepared us and kind of. told us a story that doesn't really make. sense about what the stage is going to. feel like. How did you acquire so much. knowledge and information about. parenting? So when I kind of finished. grad school, I had my private practice.

in New York City. I was seeing at that. point mostly adults in therapy, people. like me, people like you, couples. therapy, kind of like weekly ongoing. deep work. And at the same time, I. started to see parents who came to me. not for therapy, but for help with their. kids, where they'd say, "Honestly, I. don't think my kid needs therapy, but. but there's some stuff I need some help. with. Tantrums, lying, not sleeping. I. mean, sibling rivalry, all all of the. kind of stuff that happens in every. home." Right. And so I had done all this. additional training at this parenting.

center that was very esteemed. And what. I was taught was all about timeouts, punishments, sticker charts. And what I. started to notice in my private practice. was I had really felt comfortable how I. was working with adults. I felt like. there was this balance of understanding. how our past influences our present and. then also combining that kind of. knowledge about how the past comes into. play with very actionable tools. So. people could actually make changes. So. it was kind of a mix of things. And then.

I started seeing session to session. Hold on a second. Like if you, you know, were my client and you told me, "Oh, I. yelled at my sister today. I keep doing. that." I would never say to you, "Give. me your phone. No phone for the week." I. feel like you'd never come back to my. office. Like why? What's even the theory. of why that would help me stop yelling? Right. Yeah. But then in the next. session, I heard myself give advice. where a kid would hit their sister and. I'd be like teaching this parent how to. send their kid to their room. Again, if. I said, "Chloe, go to your room and come. out when you know how to stay calm. I'm.

coming to you because I don't know how. to stay calm. You didn't give me the. tools. You didn't give me the tools.". And and then the whole system just. unraveled before my eyes. And I thought. about other things we teach kids. We. teach kids how to swim, not by sending. them to their room. We teach kids how to. make layups if they want to play. basketball. Not by lecturing them about. all the things they're doing wrong, by. teaching, by practice, by repetition, and then by tolerating the time it takes. for those skills to convert into.

behavior change. And then everything I. just saw, I said, "Okay, I think we've. just been doing this for hundreds of. years." Like, I picture timeouts, punishments, sticker charts being an. idea someone had. And on the library. shelf, it was kind of in the kind of. fiction category. And one day, a. librarian mistakenly kind of put it in. non-fiction. And then for hundreds of. years, we're like, I guess this is just. true. And when I gave myself permission. to question all of the assumptions, I. realized I was left with two things. I.

was left with the idea that kids are. born good inside. I I just I just don't. believe babies come into the world. saying like I can't wait to over my. parents. Like I just I don't think. that's how they come. I agree with that. And this kind of really powerful visual. that kids are born with all the feelings. and none of the skills to manage. feelings. And for generations we've. thought the problem is the feelings. You. shouldn't feel jealous. Why are you so. mean? Or we think the problem is the.

behavior. But the behavior is just a. manifestation of the fact that the kid. doesn't have skills. And what if there. was a system to give parents that. instead of punishing kids for kind of. not having skills in the first place, we. actually did what we do in every other. area of life. We coach kids to build. skills, emotion regulation skills. And. that's when I realized that's what I do. with adults. Adults who go to therapy. basically are learning emotion. regulation skills. That's what I learned.

in my own therapy. And so then I think. some of my best ideas for parenting came. from the work I was doing with adults. and thinking, what if we reverse. engineered this to parents and just. started to give this stuff to kids. early? And don't get me wrong, they're. all my kids are going to need therapy, too, but there's needing therapy for big. stuff and smaller stuff. And like may we. all just, you know, have our kids need. therapy for smaller things. Exactly. And. I think what the overall messaging that. I hear when it comes to you is.

how easy it is to take in the. information that you're giving. You. don't try to hightalk people. You're not. like, "Let me use really big words and. jumble everyone's brains just so I sound. smarter." We all know how smart you are. But I think. it's the real mastery of knowing. something is when you can explain it on. the most fundamental level. It makes. people feel seen. makes people feel safe. and they take away this knowledge that. you're blessing them with. And that's.

something that I know when I watch your. videos, I'm like, "Oh, easy, done." And. I can implement that into my daily life. where I love and respect how people have. mastered their craft for years and. years. But sometimes these words, I'm. like, "I didn't I didn't go to college, number one, but number two, I didn't. study in what you studied for 10, 15, 20. years. So, how could I know what these. words mean or what you're saying?" So, I. really appreciate the takeaways that you. give to so many people and it's because. everyone wants the peaceful amazing.

household and it's scary and stressful. and we all don't know what the hell. we're doing, right? And so to have. someone that's like, "Okay, I don't. really know what anyone's doing too, but. let me give you these tips that work for. us." And I love that. Well, that really. means a lot. And you know, I think back. to when I was in my clinical psychology, my you know, my PhD program, and I'd. sometimes go watch people speak with my. cohort, you know, that I was going. through the program with, and I'd hear. these most amazing, brilliant things, but I would be the only one walking out.

saying, "Okay, but what what do I do?". Like, and everyone's like, "But wasn't. that amazing?" I was like, "It was, but. I I still don't know how to action on. this or it does seem like very ethereal. almost." And and I am someone who I love. thinking deeply, but I also just love. practical things like tell me the thing. And so the truth is I I actually don't. ever think that I have all the answers. I I do think I have a way of thinking. through problems like I have principles. or frameworks. And sometimes the.

answer's not, you know, right in front. of you. But I actually think that's the. best gift for parents is not just what. is the script I need right now, but do I. have a way of thinking through when my. kid hits, when my kid says, "I hate. you." Uh, oh, how much do I want to make. my kids life easy versus how much is. saying no and them tolerating. frustration actually going to really. help them in life? And thinking about. how to see what's in front of you as a. parent, to me, that's actually the gift. of power and clarity. And that's what I.

really love helping parents access. What. do you think right now about how so many. people are not having babies? What is. your theory or I don't know, do you. think anything about that? Yeah. Well, well, I I think there's so many. different things about that. There is. nothing you get as like a stamp of. approval as a woman by becoming a mom. Like it doesn't make you a better. person. It's not a morally superior. choice in my mind. And so maybe there. are some people out there who are just.

giving themselves more optionality about. the type of life they want to live or. the timing that makes sense for them. That's number one. Number two, I I do. often go back to what we started with. I. think the myth of maternal instinct, which was created by a man and has no. scientific basis, has had a profoundly. uh kind of depressing, awful, nasty. impact on especially women. I I really.

do. I mean, I I picture people in a room. one day saying like, "If we could. convince women that being a mom comes. naturally, like that would be really. good for us because then when parenting. is hard, women will just blame. themselves and they'll have shame. And. when you have shame, you don't speak up. for your needs and then you'll feel. small and lie about what it's like and. then kind of the rest of the world can. continue." And so I just wonder if. there's a sensing of that like parents. in general are very underup supported. were. undereducated, right? It's not it's not.

like you have a friend who's a surgeon. who says like, "I I didn't need to go to. medical school. I have a surgical. instinct and figure it out from. Instagram reels." I think you'd be like, "Wow." Well, first of all, no offense, I'm never going to surgery. And second, it's actually the opposite. Doctors wear. their education with pride. They put it. all over the wall. They tell everyone. where I went to med school and. residency, as they should. And so I. wonder if people are delaying in part. because they kind of know, wait, like. let me make a more mindful decision. Let.

me get a little bit more resourced and. educated and maybe the world can, you. know, need to do a little bit more of. its job in supporting parents. I agree. and I applaud. I have so many friends. that are older. They're at their cusp of. like, okay, do I either push myself to. have a baby or do I not? And they might. not have a significant other. And I love. that they're like, I actually don't want. to be a mom. And there's a lot of people. that have kids that probably shouldn't. have kids. And I really respect people.

that are like, I'm just not in the place. to have kids or I do want to be married. and have that two parent household and. that's beautiful. And they're not there. yet. So like there's so many things that. I really praise people that do just say, "No, it's not for me." And they feel. confident in that. Yeah. and and what. you're saying about the understanding of. am I not in the place to have kids. because I think we have a more nuanced. understanding of what it's really like. as an adult to have a kid like this.

fantasy my kid's going to heal me I. always say we have this fantasy that our. kids are going to heal us our kids. trigger us there's there's nothing like. it when you become a parent every single. thing that's unhealed about your. childhood acts itself out yes you're. like oh I guess I have to figure that. out I didn't know I was still holding on. to this. Seriously. And and and the plus. of that is if parenthood is a period. where you say, "Wait, if I'm triggered. and I can kind of see my unresolved. stuff before my eyes, I guess in a way.

it could be a time where I kind of. become the most empowered, capable, more. healed version of myself because I have. such information about the stuff that I. need to work on, right? Why does it. trigger me so much when my kids whining? Nobody likes whining, but as an example, whining usually represents helplessness. in a kid. And so if you grew up in a, you know, stop crying or I'll give you. something to cry about household or pull. up your bootstraps. You had to learn. early on helplessness is not safe in.

this family. I will develop a voice to. shut it down so I don't have a scary. experience with my caregiver. Now your. kid's whining and you think you're. responding to their annoying voice, which it is annoying, but you're. actually just kind of reenacting this. thing you had to learn to do to shut. down. And the voice instead of just. talking to you, you know, you hear. yourself say, I've been there, too. These like awful things to your kid. What's wrong with you? You're so. pathetic. Like, use a normal voice. And. you're like, I guess my kid's three. They don't even really know how to talk. But just flies out of our mouth. And so.

I do think this idea of moms and dads. saying, "Wait, um maybe there's some. internal work that would make me feel. first of all more prepared to be a. parent, the parent I want to be, but. also might just make me feel more at. home in myself." That's the work I love. doing with parents. And I think that's. what the impact we have. And it's I I. love that, too. And I think it makes. people feel not isolated. They're like, "Okay, all these other people are having. the same struggles I do." Because years. ago, we didn't talk about that. in the '.

80s, '7s, '8s, I remember like kids. aren't seen. There was no playrooms and. if there was never there were toys in. the kitchen or things like that. So, it. is fascinating how far I think society. has come in a short amount of time cuz. now kids sort of take over the house and. all that jazz. You brought up um some of. the older sayings. Have you seen that. Tik Tok trend that's going around? I. commented on one of them. Yeah. When I. think about it, I'm like, that's some. crazy that people said to us, right? Yes. And I think this weird thing.

happens where we just call it. discipline. Like there's like And so. everyone's like, that's just discipline. And if you're like, wait a second, if I. just put that word, which sounds nice. enough, to the side that that that looks. it looks abusive. Like it doesn't like. if someone ever heard my husband say to. me, you never listen to me and whenever. I want to leave the house, you're so. uncooperative and what's wrong with you? They'd be like, "Becky, you're in a. toxic relationship. You just didn't want. to leave the house when he wanted to. leave the house." So, you guys have to. resolve that. But for him to say you. have a listening problem is kind of.

gaslighting, right? But we say that we. say that stuff to our kids. Me, too. All. the time. Even our movies. I'm like, I. mean, our parents didn't have other. options, but like the we watched was. very traumatizing, I will say. I know. This episode is brought to you by Opill, the first over-the-counter daily birth. control pill available in the US. That's. right, no prescription needed. Here's. the thing. About a third of women face. barriers to accessing prescription birth. control. Whether it's the hassle of just.

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this video, which I really liked. I do. feel like we have these weekends and I'm. like, "Okay, I guess I'm like I don't get a day off. because, you know, we're parents." But I. She sent this to me yesterday. I was. like, "Oh my god, I love that." Where. you basically are saying, "No, the. weekend is not just for the kids." And I. love that you said your son was I don't. know what sport you said. Flag football. Flag football. And you were like, "Sorry, we can't do that this year cuz. it's not great for the family unit.". Yes. And how Yes. That's so amazing. if.

you can go into that a little bit. I'd. love to talk about this because to me I. didn't even think I had the option, right? And to me the mantra I tell of. myself is like it's my weekend too. Like. it's your weekend to tell. everybody where I remember talking to. someone I think it was actually a stere. and she was like she was just talking. about this American trend like and I I. was laughing with her about it because. it's true. Like I spend my whole weekend. watching my at best perfectly below.

average athletic children like play. soccer or flag football. I'm not with my. husband. I'm like kind of literally we. say divide and conquer. Well, look what. I'm doing to our family. And then I'm. also resentful on Sunday night cuz I. didn't get to do anything for myself. And to some degree I am orchestrating. this whole situation because I might not. have realized it's my weekend too. And. so what I was saying is this has become. and I have to thank my husband cuz he's. really put this idea in my mind that. there's something to being together as a. family unit versus every kid kind of.

having the kind of maximum opportunity. individualistically. Right? So that's. one. And number two, there's also just. our own needs like your needs and my. needs on a weekend. And I think if we. just zoom out and then I'll tell the. story. What I think really about good. inside and our parenting approach in. general is it's very long-term greedy. Like our kids will be out of our house. way longer than they're going to be in. our house. And the stakes only get. higher. Like as hard as it is for our.

kids to have a tantrum at six, if they. can't deal with something not going. their way when they're 26, like that looks uglier, right? And so. when I think about that long-term greedy. mindset, like am I reacting and. parenting my kids in a way, not all the. time, but in general, that represents. how they can be truly successful in life. later on. It gives me a little bit of a. guide. And what I know is when you get. older, life is not always about your. pleasure, especially in relationships. Like sometimes you have to drive far to.

have dinner with someone else because. they came to you. Sometimes you have to. go to a restaurant you don't want. Sometimes you have to say, "Okay, I'll. I'll go to my in-laws for this holiday.". even though it's not my first choice. And why would I expect my kid to be. suddenly able to tolerate the. frustration of not getting their way. when they're 26 if they haven't been. building those skills right throughout. their life. And so we have three kids. Son wanted to do flag football on Friday. nights. It's my youngest. And so we've. been through this. It's not my first.

rodeo. It ruins my whole Friday night. One of us goes, it's far away. Friday. night to me is such a nice time to just. chill. We might like we usually cook. dinner. It's just like this relaxing. time and instead one of us is going to. this flag football thing. And obviously. there's times in a weekend and a week. where I don't do the thing I want to. give my kid the thing they want. But. there's this balance. And I think. something's happened in parenting where. we do so much of that in the name of it. being good for our kids. It's not even. good for our kids down the line. They. become so entitled. Right. And so the.

conversation I ended up having was look, he does so many sports, lacrosse, soccer, basketball. This is a kid who. does a lot of things. And we were just. looking at the schedule as a whole and. saying, "Look, flag football, I don't. think it's your number one, right?" And. he said, "No, it's definitely not." And. has a very, very big impact on our. family unit. And so we're not going to. sign up this year. And look, I think he is kind of used to. me in general setting boundaries that I.

think are good for him long term or good. for me or good for our family, even if. he's not short-term happy, right? But. when you do this initially for you, for. anyone listening, like I think people. have this fantasy that I'd say to my. kid, we're not doing flag football or TV. time is over. And as soon as I set that. boundary, my kids are like, I really. needed that. Like I really appreciate. you. You're such a sturdy leader. I love. you so much. That's never happened. And. when you set a boundary as a parent, a. kid always has the same reaction. They. tantrum. They protest, right? Because.

they're not getting the thing they want. And that is a hard human experience. And. then we can validate them. Oh, I know. you wish you could do flag football. along with all the other sports. I get. it. And I continue to hold the boundary. And I think I've noticed in my weekends, I'm not perfect at it, but I really do. feel different on a Sunday night. And I. don't have that same rage moment Sunday. at 4. Because when we have that rage. moment to some degree, I think we're. yelling out, "What about me? What about.

any other part of me that's not about. caregiving for my kid?" And when those. parts that want to slow down and be. home, that want to take a walk without. your kids, that want to go out with a. friend, when those parts of you are so. ignored for so long, they will act like. a toddler and scream out in an. inopportune moment. But the same thing. is true with the toddler. If you give. them a little bit of attention that they. chill a little bit. No, but I don't know. why it was like such an epiphany for me.

to hear that. I was like, "Yes, this is. actually my weekend, too. I know we love. our kids, but yes, we also I always say. like they don't want me when I'm at the. end of my rope." They don't. And I think. this motherhood is martyrdom thing. I I. love a good metaphor. To me, it helps me. like emotionally in the moment do the. thing I want to do. Like I picture I. picture this pilot who's like on the. whatever it's called, the intercom right. before you take off. And they're like, "I love piloting so much. I love you all.

so much. I have been piloting for 30. straight days without sleeping because I. love piloting. You're like, "Get me off. this plane." And and actually, I shared. that with someone and they go, "But. pilots are mandated to take rest." Have. you ever been in a flight where they're. like, "Sorry, this pilot crew has been. out for too long." You are actually. mandated, right, to be a good safe. pilot. We're going to mandate moms. Literally, sometimes I tell myself on. the weekend when I'm doing something, my. kids are protesting. I don't have to say. this to them to myself. I say, "Becky,

it's the law. It's the law. They don't. They don't have to respect the law, but. I I need to respect the law as an adult. And so, I am going to say, and if you. know your kids are allowed to be upset. and you even know the upset feeling that. you're not available, that they're still. safe. We're not like, "Go set a fire. while I'm in my room." No. Like, there's. going to be someone watching them or. there's some situation. They could be at. a friend's house. They're allowed to be. disappointed. is actually good for them. because again, fast forward, there's. going to be a relationship they're in.

where they're going to want to hang out. with someone and that person's going to. say, "I'm not available right now." And. and we don't want our kids to completely. spiral or lose themsel or turn their. disappointment into feel that person. doesn't like me or that like it does. turn into all of that. That's right. Love doesn't mean losing yourself, right? Equally true. I I love the heck. out of myself and I want to take care of. myself. like what an amazing gift they. will take in to the rest of their life. to have that deep in their bones because.

that's what they experienced. I'm guilty. of this and I've made a change a few. months ago, maybe the last year. My son. is 2 and a half, my daughter's seven and. I was scheduling like always to do. activities or after school. Let's do. Spanish class or then you have. gymnastics on Thursdays and there's just. no time. And then I was even like, why. am I overcheduling my kids? Number one, when I was. younger, I don't think I had anything to. do. It was so good to be bored. And not.

even boredom, but just why do I have to. distract you with things all the time? If you're talented or obsessed with an. instrument or a sport, sure, I want to. encourage that. But I'm saying if I my. kids aren't asking for these things, I'm. doing them because I think it's for like. the betterment of them. Then I was, my. daughter would always be, can I just. stay home today? And I was. thinking, why would I not let her? I. don't want to leave the house most days. I just want to stay home. It doesn't. mean that she's on her iPad. It just.

means she's wants a chill day at home. And I realized I was like, I'm. overcheduling. Let me pull back. I don't. want them to do something every day. after school or we don't have to go. somewhere every weekend. But I was super. guilty of that. And how do you don't you. feel like parents are totally. overscheduling these days? Yes. And I. can definitely fall into that too, right? Because I feel like something's. happened where this optimization culture. is very much happening in 2025. Every,

you know, you're optimizing every part. of your life, right? The more data, the. better, right? And you're health, you're. this, and and I'm not saying all that's. bad. It's like anything else where. there's some amount where you've gone. over, right? Right. and it's no longer. good for you. And I think probably. unconsciously we all carry that into our. kids. More after school is better, right? And then there's this weird loop. that happens where the more kids learn, I need to gaze out at the world and I. expect excitement and kind of ideas and.

activities and creativity to come from. there, to come from this class, to come. from this iPad. It's not a surprise that. the less likely they are to be able to. gaze in and say, "Well, what are my. ideas? What would I want to do? What. could I create? What could I do with. these blocks? What kind of story could I. write?" Right? And so I it is kind of I. think at play here where the more we. schedule our kids and encourage them to.

kind of get all this enjoyment from. something done for them, the harder it. is o over time to kind of realize, wait, I have really good valuable things. inside me. And you said boredom. I do. think that is true where there's. something that happens when our kids say. I'm bored and then I want to fix their. boredom but honestly not really. I just. want to fix this feeling like I'm a bad. mom. So, I like create some activity. And and I think for me as my kids have. gotten older. Like just reminding. myself, you said actually bored is. really good. Boredom is always the space.

anyone's in before they build a sense of. creativity or competence, right? Because. when your kid is bored, I see this with. my kids. I go boy, girl, boy. And and. they don't inherently always want to do. the same thing. Mhm. So, especially, let's say my daughter was younger, she. wanted to draw. My older son, it was not. high in his list, right? You know what. would happen when he was bored? I was. like, I guess I'm going to draw with my. sister. Like, what else am I going to. do? Right. There weren't or I guess I'm.

going to pick up a book, right? Right. Kids read books because there's nothing. more exciting to do. Kids draw with. their sister because they don't have a. better option. and and that can actually. be amazing, but it does require and I. think this is the thing we have to be. honest about. It requires a lot. internally as a parent. You have to. really take that deep breath and say, "I'm not being a bad parent. This is an. inconvenient moment because my kid is. whining and looking to me for a. solution, but I can tolerate it." And. then if I can tolerate that feeling, my.

kid learns to tolerate that feeling. And. what comes right after is generally. Yeah. really good stuff. If I think. about my own kids and what I want to. give to this next generation, I always. say like I actually don't want my kids. when they're young, this is going to. sound sick, to be good at succeeding, really don't. I I think it makes for. such anxiety and fragility when you have. a ton of easy quick success. I want my. kids to be really good at struggling and. being frustrated. Well, that resilience, that's what resilience is later on, but.

it's messy as heck when it's younger cuz. it's the tantrum. It's then do the. puzzle for me. Right. Well, and they. feel alienated cuz you're I mean, I. think anyone. that's going through a tough period. doesn't they're not like, "Wow, I'm. building my resilience." You don't say. that, right? So, and a kid can't. possibly have that much self-awareness. to say something like that. An adult. barely can. We're not like, "It's fine. I'll go through this shitty situation. cuz I know at the end I'm going to be.

super resilient." No, we're like this is. right. Why am I getting put through. this? You everything is why me? Why me? So yeah, but I do I we all love. resilience. So I get what you're saying. I don't think it makes you sound sick at. all. I get it. Again, it kind of goes to. that longer term greediness, right? Where I think we probably all see some. 20-year-olds, 30 year olds where the. first piece of negative feedback at. work, they crumble. I mean, it feels. like their whole selfworth was just. destroyed, right? And in a way the path.

is the easier and more quickly you kind. of find success. Well, it would make. sense then your circuitry, right? Because the way we relate to our kids. forms kind of their factory settings for. how they go into the world as adulthood. All of this can be rewired. I always say. it's never too late. That's the most. important thing. Even in teenage years, you think that's what we're all doing as. adults, aren't we? Even teenage years, for sure. And like it's never too early. and it's never too late. They're equally.

true. Great. Right. But I just think we. all need this pep talk. Like my kid is. having this tantrum doing this puzzle. Like Dr. Becky, why why am I why am I. trying to tolerate that? Why am I. exhausting myself instead of just doing. the puzzle? We need a reason or else. like all like I'm not doing that. Right. And to me like competence, resilience, like all of those good things, they. happen on the other side of a really. messy struggle. They do. And I think as. a parent, it's kind of our job some of. the times to believe this situation.

Like essentially, you're right. This. puzzle is really hard. Telling kids that. they're feelings make sense. Honestly, telling ourselves that our feeling makes. sense, it does a surprising amount to. kind of a little bit calm the feeling. You're right. This puzzle is hard. It. makes sense to be frustrated. H your. friends all have this certain sweatshirt. you don't have. It makes sense you're. jealous. Right. Like just saying it. makes sense kind of regulates some. piece, validates them. Exactly. And then.

the other piece that I think have been. the most powerful moments in my own life. is when someone sees I'm going through. something hard, but they can kind of. visualize this more competent version of. myself than I can access in the moment. Like that feels like love, right? Which. is like this puzzle's hard. It makes. sense you're having a hard time. We can. take a breath. I'm not going to do it. for you because. the best feeling in the world is when. you think you can't do something and. then you watch yourself stick with it. And I'm just not going to take that. feeling away. And I just know it might.

not happen today, but it will happen. So, let's go get a snack. Let's go get. some water. You can pause. We can come. back tomorrow. You're going to figure. this out. And I'm going to give you a. huge high five when you get there. Like, I love that it is important for us to. disappoint our kids from time to time. Yes. So they build those emotions and. how to cope with them and how to. interact with somebody else while. dealing with them. That's exactly right. And I think the the most important thing. as a parent is just your mindset because.

unconsciously we think our kids distress. is our fault and then we rush in to fix. it and because it's hard. No one likes. to see their kid upset, right? But if. your mindset is kind of um building a. really resilient kid who's I don't know. if they'll ever really write me a thank. you note, but like if they knew what was. up, right? They like, "Oh, thank. you." All right, summer is almost here. and Mint Mobile has a hot take that I am. fully on board with. Getting a summerb,

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i. ka.com/clo for 25% off and free. shipping. You get some backlash on the. gentle parenting. But I think the. misconception about you is that you're. not the most gentle parent. You believe. in sturdy parenting. Yes. But why do you. think people have so much push back to. you on the gentle parenting? So, it's. really interesting where I get questions. from reporters a lot kind of criticizing. gentle parenting. I actually don't. think, and I really mean this, someone. could show me wrong. There's been one.

person who's either seen a real or like. our bigger programming. Again, I think. parents deserve a deeper education than. a 60-second reel is in our our app, our. like amazing app where I don't think. there's one person there who's ever. watched like a session with me and said, "Dr. Becky seems soft." It just hasn't. happened. I agree. Right. When I saw. this question, I was like, "Yeah, I. don't really correlate you to gentle. parenting." What I think is this. unfortunate, first of all, unfortunate. reality is number one, I'm sure you see.

this in general, we've become this world. where it feels increasingly hard to hold. two seemingly oppositional things at. once. Two things can be true, right? You. can care about someone's feelings and. not be soft. I think that's what this. is. that again there was some book that. was written about feelings that feelings. were soft and like you're a loser if. you're talking about things you're. raising snowflakes and again I think it. was one person's like kind of crazy rant. that got miscatategorized on non-fiction.

and now like that's just true you feel. before you think feelings are like kind. of the hardest most truest thing the. most resilient strongest people in the. world are able to control and have a. sense of their feelings and use their. feelings to channel all the good things. And yet there still is this narrative. that if you care about a kid's feelings, you're a gentle, you're a pushover. I. think what's been missed and what I. think good inside really gives parents. the language for are these two things at. once. Good inside, yes, is about.

validating kids feelings, which is not. agreeing with them. It's just seeing. them as real, but it's also human. Like. I know kids are human, but a lot of. people think, "Oh, if you're under my. roof, I have like full authority and. control," which there are boundaries and. rules. That's right. But I So I love. that cuz I think I'm so similar. I like. to hear kids out. They're little adults, like little humans. They still have. minds. Yes. And they're processing. things. They have questions and like. don't talk back to me if someone's.

asking you a question. I'm like, but. that's how they're going to learn and. get answers. and they're so curious. So. I I don't think you're a gentle parent. I think you're just a great patient. parent and that's what you're doing. But. I think people just need to put others. in a box. I think that's right. So I. think this idea, yes, we're about. validating feelings. We are equally. about setting boundaries. I actually. think boundaries are probably the most. misunderstood term and kind of concept. overused term and and just people don't.

actually understand what a boundary is. because people say all the time, "This. person doesn't respect my boundaries. My. kids don't respect my boundaries. I I. think that just means you might not have. the most accurate definition of. boundaries because boundaries are an. assertion of parental authority. They're. I I would say boundaries are what you. tell your kid you will do and they. require a kid to do nothing. Mhm. And. actually when you get to the point of. screaming at your kid or I've done this. too, you have some threat like that you. never intend to keep. You just like. don't know what else to say. You're.

like, "I'm going to take away all your. stuffed animals." And my sister was just. joking. like, I'm going to take away. your dresses and cut them in half. And. we're like, what are we saying? Like, I'm not going to cut them out. Um, but. that's not a boundary. Cuz a boundary. isn't saying, stop jumping on the couch. I'm going to take away your dessert if. you jump on the couch. Cuz that's not. telling your kid what you're going to. do. And it's requiring your kid to do. something. You're giving all your power. to your four-year-old. A boundary would. be saying, "By the time I get over to. the couch, if you're not off the couch, I'm going to pick you up and I'm going. to put you on the floor. It's just not.

safe to jump so close to our glass. table, right? And then again, you're. gonna set the boundary. Your kid is not. going to say, "Oh, thank you." Right. I. really love you. No, they're gonna. scream. Then you can validate or keep. jumping. They will, right? But but. they're not because I really would set. the boundary by saying, "I'm going to. pick you up now." Yeah. My kid is not. being safe. We would never ask for our. kids permission to stop them from. running into the street. Mhm. We would. never be like, "If you run into oncoming. traffic, I'm taking away your dessert.". That would be a crazy thing to hear. like just pick up your kid. And if your.

kid's like, "No, let me go." No parent. would say, "Chloe, you're not respecting. Tatum's words." You'd be like, "I'm. sorry. Tatum was about to like run into. oncoming traffic. I'm No, I'm not. Yeah. Yeah. I'm I'm just going to stop that. from happening cuz I'm an adult, right?". And I actually think so many situations. where we get so frustrated with our kids. are times where we say, "My kid doesn't. listen." But the hard truth is actually. as parents, we're just not really. setting the boundary soon enough. I know. no two kids are alike, right? And I. parent differently based off of their.

personality or what I know they can. handle. Like some you can discipline. differently than others. Some can't. handle. Some you don't even need to. threaten if that's the word. Don't you. agree with that? I mean completely. I. mean I see my three kids and people. always like which two kids are more. similar. I was like, "Whatever that. triangle is where all points are equally. distant from each other, those are my. kids." And I have a feeling if I had a. fourth, which I am not, um, it would be. like a square. Like I just think there's.

probably infinite combinations. And I. guess I think this is another two things. are true where all kids I do believe. need the same things. They need love, they need boundaries, they right, they. need connection, but the vehicle in. which they can receive those things, they're they're tweaked, right? And I. think that's why that's one of the. reasons parenting is so hard. Like I. think my three kids, they each almost. need a different part of me to be the. lead parent. I know with me and my. siblings, we're all so different and if. you said something to me, it might not.

affect me, but if you said it to my. sibling, she might be broken down and. that's very normal. I think 100%. You. talk about how kids are born with the. all the feelings but none of the skills. How can parents help them build those. emotional tools? In general, generation. to generation, we just haven't taught. humans. To me, the most important skill, which is how to manage the emotions that. course intensely through your body. And. so, I think there's two parts of this. There's how do we teach our kids the.

skills? I think the other part for every. parent listening is like, well, if I. don't have the skills, who's teaching me the skills so I can. teach them the skills? Right? And so to. me, the best part of good and side is I. think we do both at once cuz we're busy. as parents. We don't have time for that. many things. We got to be efficient. And. so number. one, the most powerful way our kids. learn to regulate their emotions is when. we are able to regulate our emotions in.

response to their behavior. And this is. a hard truth cuz it's like, oh man, really does that have to be the answer? Like that's and it is really hard, right? Because a lot of us were raised. by parents who I believe 100% were doing. the best they could with the resources. they had. Agreed. And what could be. equally true is we still might not have. gotten everything we needed. Just like. our kids will probably say to us. Exactly. Every generation. Hopefully. that gap gets a little smaller, but. that's the best it's going to get. Yes.

Right. And so I think for a parent to. even have a mental model of okay when my. kid says I hate you when all I said was. you can't have sleepovers on Wednesdays. because there's school tomorrow it's. like a very normal thing like I hate. you. You're the worst parent. Every. parent lets their kids have sleepovers. No parent generally does, but they say. all these things. If you just know even. though it's not going to feel amazing in. the moment, cuz I don't it's just I'm. going to say it like it feels amazing to. just like kind of yell at your kid in. that moment because you get to vomit all.

of your. frustration and just release it onto. your kid like it's gone now. It's hard. to keep that feeling in your own body. It's so hard. It's like such an adult. thing to do to be like, okay, but and. you're not then there's this narrative, oh, so you're not going to say anything. to your kid. It's not like we're not. going to say anything, but so you're. just letting you're letting your kid get. away with it. Again, there's this. binary, right, where again, we don't. even we don't put up with this anymore. from CEOs. Like if someone in an office.

says something absurd to a CEO, we. actually no longer think it's a good. idea for a CEO to like just scream and. threaten at person. and we'd be like, "You're not even a you're not able to. lead, right? Sometimes you don't get to. make your own decisions. You feel out of. control. You had a bad day. A kid was. bullied and you don't know about it and. they're just kind of up to the brim.". And then in a calmer moment when your. kid is yelling at you and saying, "You're the worst parent in the world. for not letting me have 30 scoops of ice. cream." Whatever the ridiculous things. my kids say as well, like it's just not.

an effective moment for intervention. Like that's the point. And I think if. you give yourself permission in that. moment to say this is me I say to myself. if it makes sense like I trust my. parenting more than this moment. I don't. have to do all of my parenting in the. next 30 seconds. So I can let it pass. and I can go to my kid later and say. look first of all you're upset probably. about a sleepover but I get it. It's. just it's probably annoying to be an. 8-year-old and just not make all your.

own decisions. And I just wonder the. next time I say to you some version of a. no, which is part of my job because I. actually love you so much that I'm. willing to make decisions that I think. are good for you even if you're upset. with me. That's actually how much I love. you. What is another way you could tell. me that you're pissed off when you. approach a kid in this way which I call. same team? It's very different than. approaching your kid later and saying. that was totally we always say you you. don't respect me as if this is about.

respect like I don't know you know and. you can't say that and if you say that. again I'm not letting you have your. sleepover on Friday anyone's going to. shut down right because it feels like. you're looking at me like I'm a bad kid. and I'm your enemy but if you approach. your kids same team it's amazing. 8-year-olds 2-year-olds they will. participate could I say I'm really mad. at you that would be amazing how healthy. a healthy expression of finger. Well, you do say that. And then I do things. with my kids just like sports. I. practice. Literally, if this was an.

issue in my house, I would say, "Look, this is going to sound weird. Let's role. play. I'm going to say to you something. surprising that you role play with your. kids." Yes. Okay. Just like I think. about someone trying to teach a kid how. to make a layup. Talking. Talking's. great, but like doesn't the kid have to. like go through the muscle, you know, memory of it? I I really think about. emotion regulation skills that. concretely. Well, I do that with tone. because I'm trying to teach. True. I. love a little sass, but I'm like, there's a point that it can get Yeah.

snarky or like but she doesn't. know the difference. So, I'm like we do. like the cadence in our voice. And I. love that. I'm like, how would you feel. if I'm like, get the ice cream or. whatever? And I do. And she's like, okay. And then I'll do it, get the ice. cream. And I just it's the same. sentence, but amazing. So, I try to do. that, but I like this as well. Like, what else are your kids going through? Is there like a behavioral hitting, stealing? I don't know. Is what's the. latest thing? Well, Tatum, he was Trude. never had the terrible two phase. Tatum.

does, but he's on the tail end of it. And I'm I'm like, "Oh, wow. This is. amazing." cuz it was just a tantrum for. no reason. But like he would fall on the. ground hysterically cry and I'm like, "Okay, this is right." I had to figure. out what these tools are because I. wasn't used to that. But I would say. it's okay. I who, you know, he's. screaming, but I'm also talking to. myself 1 million% cuz I'm like I will. just die. Like I'm like what is.

happening inside? But I'm like it's. okay. I get it. Like and I'm literally. talking in this crazy voice. like you. were frustrated. I didn't give you the. toys, but it's really me talking to. myself. But that's what it is because if. your number one tool to teach your kid. tools is how you regulate yourself, right? Like when my kids were younger, okay, and they were like really having. those I don't know if Tatum was like. this, but like when my kids were in the. twos and 18 months and they had. tantrums, like they were so lost, like I. was like, I don't know where you went, but you're not hearing. Totally. song. was so powerful where I'd sing this song.

like Jamie Jamie it's okay or Jamie. Jamie I am here let's take a deep breath. and I was like am I singing this for my. kid am I singing this for me and so many. parents tell me you know what first of. all music is actually very powerful for. regulation and as soon as you're singing. you're not screaming and the truth is. this mom was telling me this is the most. amazing tool because it helps me stay. calm but that is the tool. to help your kid like swimming. You.

don't give your kid one swim lesson and. say this isn't working. We actually, it's amazing how long we pay for swim. lessons and tolerate it. So, if you. think about emotion regulation skills as. harder to learn than swimming and we. know that's true cuz none of us are. particularly expert at it still, right? Then then it's a long tale, right? And. so the skills we have and then tantrums. can be role played too. Like let's say. my kid has a tantrum or right I just. have a children's book about hitting. right where every time my kid sees his.

sister have the truck he just goes and. hits her. Okay where I would say if that. was my kid okay so I have to figure out. what to do and for example if you give. your kid something to do instead of. their bad behavior they will generally. improve their behavior pretty quickly. It would be like a boss saying to you, "Don't use this font." And you're like, "But but what font can I use? Should I. use?" So just so okay, so you're not. going to hit. And I always think with. hitting, you get angry and you move.

towards someone. How cool would it be if. we raised a generation where when they. get angry at someone, literally they. learn how to move away. You you buy. yourself time and space, right? So, I'd. practice with my kids where I'd say, "I'm going to have you walk into the. playroom and I'm going to be holding up. your favorite truck like I have." That's. what his sister did. She's a normal. human. I have It's such taunting, right? Let's not pretend that's going to change. overnight. I could work with her on. something else, too. But I do that and I. say, "And I want you to come in." And. it's not that I don't want you to be.

mad. You're go again. We don't want our. kid not to be mad. When my kid is older. and I don't know, they see someone steal. their thing or something happen, I don't. want them to think whatever, right? No, I'm allowed to feel angry. I hope by. that point I know how to cope. So, I'd. say to him, I'm going to come in. You're. going to come in and I want you to go. like this to the wall. I want you you're. going to see me with a truck and you're. going to back up and hug yourself. I. can't even tell you how many times his.

teacher would tell me in school, not. right away. I don't want to make this. magic. And then the next day he never. hit. No, he hit the next day. Let me. just be clear, okay? He's a normal. person. But over time, and then we'd. switch. He'd hold up the truck and I'd. say, "Oh, I want to wait." Right. Right. And his teacher was like, "Your son does. the weirdest thing, but it's kind of. amazing. Like, what is this?" Because. guess what? You practice a layup a. certain amount of times in practice and. your kid will make the layup when the.

clock is running out, but they're not. going to make a layup when the clock is. running out if they're not practicing a. layup in the gym. Right. Right. So, it's. really it's kind of powerful to think, oh, like my kids bad behavior isn't a. character deficit, it's a skill deficit. What skill would they need to do. something else? Maybe I could teach them. that, right? And I think that's so. important for people to hear that it's. not a character deficit. It's a skill. deficit that is important. And same. thing for us. I just want to say same. thing for us. When I yell at my kids.

when they complain about dinner, it's. probably just not about that. It's about. again, it's not a character deficit. I'm. not a monster. Did I take care of my needs all day? Did. I even sit on the couch for a second? Did I get the time on a Saturday where I. said, "No, mommy's alone in her room.". and okay, can I build the skill of. self-care or of talking to myself about. what's going on before my feelings. bubble up? Again, that's a skill deficit. for me as a mom, not a character. deficit. How can a parent set a limit? Say no.

firmly, but without damaging that family. connection. I think this is a really. false equivalent. So, I would, one of my. favorite things to do with parents is we. all think we need answers to questions. If we can't find an answer to a. question, the answer is generally that. we need a new question. So, I'm going to. shift the question, okay, to why is. setting a boundary and your kid being. upset actually a good thing for. connection and family limits? Why is.

that? Okay, kids, we all know like if I. think about myself even as an adult and. I'm at a party, I'm with you and you're. like, Becky, this was great. Come to. this party tonight. And I'm just like a. mess. I'm like yelling at everyone. I'm. like, "You're a bitch." Like, I. don't know. I'm just like in a mood. I. don't know. Okay. And my husband was. there. Okay. And I want you to picture. him saying like, "Please stop doing. that. We don't do that in this family.". You'd be like, "Okay, Becky's out of her. mind." And she's ruining all these.

potential relationships with people that. I was trying to introduce her to. I. think an act of love for my husband, which is also possible cuz he's much. taller than me, would be like, "I'm. picking you up and and we're getting in. an Uber and we're leaving." And not. because not just because I'm like. embarrass you. I'm actually doing it cuz. I love you. Like I'm doing it because I. love you and you are not in a place to. be making solid decisions. Be mortified. later. Mortified later. Mortified. Like. when people around you who say they love. you watch you.

self-destruct. We It's It's tricky. And. it's especially tricky for a kid cuz. like isn't your job to protect me? Like. I think that line, my number one job is. to keep you safe, which doesn't mean. happy, okay? But safe. Like I can't even. tell you how many people send me this. thing on Mother's Day. I guess their. schools say like, "What is your mom's. favorite color? What is your mom's job?". And the kid writes to keep me safe. A. that's which is like this means they've. heard it right a million times. So okay, here here's this other story that to me. really shows the power of limits. So my.

private practice years ago, I'm seeing. this really snarky teenager. Like she. had the first thing she said to me was. like, "Do you have the oldest computer. in the world? What kind of therapist are. you?" I was like, "Game on." Like fun. Game on. I see the pain under your. anger. Okay. And she was cutting. Okay. She was cutting all over. And so I just. was doing this intake. I was like, "How. how long have you been cutting?" "Two. years." I was like, "You told me before. I'm the first therapist you saw. Like, did your parents know?" And she's like,

"Yeah." I was like, "Close that gap for. me." And she got this is this is. literally what she said. She goes, "Wow, my parents told me 2 years ago I should. go to therapy." And they were going to. take me to therapy. And I said, "Oh, so. that means you think I'm up. You. basically think I'm messed up and I'm. going to go and I'm going to be silent. and I'm going to lie and I'm just going. to waste all your money." Which most. kids say this, by the way, okay? And. then there was just something in this. moment where I just knew, Becky, like, "Shut up. Don't just just hold space for.

a second.". And my heart is seriously racing. Okay. And right now and she everything about. her body changed after like 30 seconds. And she started looking down and when. she looked up at me, she goes, "Can you. believe they let me make that decision?". A that's literally what she said. And I. think about that all the time. And not. not every kid is literally going to say. that. Like, can you believe my parent.

just cuz I was protesting. let me get on TikTok at age 7? Can you. believe my parent let me stay up till. 10:00 p.m. every night and then I was a. disaster every morning and then had bad. behavior at school just cuz I protested. that I didn't want to go to sleep. Kids. need limits. Again, at goodness side, validation and boundaries are the two. parts of your job. That is your job as a. parent. Your job as a parent is not to. keep your kid happy with you. that. actually sets them up first of all to be.

out of control and to I think later on. feel like they didn't get the container. We all grow in containers. It's like an. egg without a shell. Yes. An egg without. a shell is not even an egg. Like the. shell makes it the egg. And I think and. again exactly how we set boundaries. that's different for every family and. every kid. There's not one right way. But that that is definitely part of the. equation of what kids need. Not everyone. gets that because especially nowadays I. think people just want to let their kids.

have freedom of choice for everything. and it's turned into what I believe. almost a competition. I want you to see. how cool of a mom I am or parent, dad, mom, whoever. I've seen that and I'm. like to me that doesn't make you cool. I. feel like your kid is out of control and. they're just they're acting out cuz they. want you to do something. I I completely. agree and I think that like teenage girl. I just I'll never forget how much she. loved her parents to help her make a.

good decision. I always say when kids. are struggling parents aren't the. problem. Parents are the solution. They. just need to be empowered with education. and resources like that. They're the. solution. And so yes, I mean to with. this one person I was seeing I was. saying look part of working together is. knowing I'm very invested in your health. and being invested in your health means. we need to do also some work with your. parents because that's the environment. you're going home to and if we do this. together want those tools. Yes, parents.

do want tools. I just think again this. whole maternal instinct narrative I. can't even tell you how many women say. to me and they're like I kind of want to. go deeper and some education is true but. I keep hearing this voice I should be. able to figure it out by myself. needing help is admitting failure it's. actually so interesting I found dads. these days don't have that oh no dads. are like I have you ever heard of. paternal instinct no one said that so. they're like I'm not even supposed to.

know what to do so load me up sure I'll. learn, right? And so I kind of feel. maybe even cuz I think dads these days. want to be a lot more involved than. generations before. So maybe together. moms and dads like we can all dshame. We. all want tools but we don't want tools. given to us in a way that ever makes us. feel bad about ourselves. Of course I. also think mom shaming is out of. control. I know. And mom guilt um for. anything. Can we talk about that? Cuz I. love talking about mom guilt. Mom Oh, please. Mom guilt. Do you have it? Yes.

like Mother's Day coming up. Love. Mother's Day. Love all these things. But. I'm No, no, no. But like love it all and. thank you for making us a day, but to me. and my kids are young so they're not. going to listen to this. But I'm like. Mother's Day is I don't want to have to. pretend I'm doing all this stuff or like. you're I don't know. I'm doing something. for you which sorry, Mother's Day is. bye-bye. See you guys at the end of the.

day. Like that would be the mother's day. cuz it's the mother's day. Like to me I. don't understand what Mother's Day is. cuz it's it makes me do way more things. So then where's the guilt? Where's the I. feel bad saying that. I'm like what a. up human am I? I've wanted kids. for so long. I have them. I've always. wanted to celebrate Mother's Day but now. I'm like oh this isn't really what I. thought it was going to be. Right. So, but now saying actually Mother's Day. would love. to not have to mother today. Like, is.

that so wrong of me to say, but there's. so much I know and and I I I completely. understand that you're mothering on. Mother's Day. Like, who this is just. like every other day. I thought this was. about me, right? This is every other day. I'm mothering 100%. So, there's Okay, there's so many things about that. And. again, it just shows our internalization. of this motherhood is martyrdom ideal, right? Like the idea like being the best. mom is like pouring yourself out all the. time. It's just so in the ether of our.

culture, but guilt. This is actually. like I had this realization about guilt. a little while ago and I just couldn't. un undo it. So, another version of mom. guilt, I don't know if you hear it, is. okay, I want to go take a walk by myself. or I want to go out to dinner with my. friends, but my kid is like clinging to. me in the moment and then I end up. feeling so guilty I don't do it right. I. want on Mother's Day to spend the day at. a spa and then see a friend and then go. to a movie by myself and then maybe. maybe put my kids to bed. Maybe not, but.

I feel too guilty. Okay, so here's my. thoughts about guilt. Guilt is a feeling. you have when you act out of alignment. with your values. And guilt is a good. feeling because, as an example, if I. yelled at a taxi driver in New York. City, that would be out of alignment. with my values. Okay, maybe the person. took the route that had more traffic, but I don't want to yell at anyone. Definitely not someone trying to help. me. And if I had guilt, that's useful. because it's an uncomfortable feeling, and I would hopefully get to, huh, what. led to that? What could I do differently.

next time? Okay, mom guilt. I don't. think is guilt because I okay because I. think at the core these moments I want. to go take a walk by myself. I want to. go out to dinner with a friend. I want a. day to myself if I'm really celebrating. myself on Mother's Day. I think if we. said is that in alignment with your. values to take a walk by yourself. sometimes people would say yes. Is it in. your values to once in a while have. dinner with girlfriends when your kids. aren't right around? Yes. Is it in your. values to think I deserve one day a year. at minimum to say I get a break and I.

can sell? I think these are all in. alignment with our values. So it's like. well what is this feeling? So what I. think the feeling is is our tendency as. women to notice other people being upset. and kind of go I'll take that feeling. for. you. I'll put it into my body and I'll. like metabolize it and and call it. guilt. It's not it's it's not guilt. And. and a visual I find useful is like let's.

say let's say you want this on Mother's. Day. And I I'm guessing it's not true in. Tatum. It' be like Chloe, you're a. horrible mom cuz I don't know. But let's. just say it's let's just say it's the. proverbial people. Okay. Okay. So then. you're on one side of the tennis court. and all these women, these judgy women. are on the other side and on your side. of the court you're like, I'm going to. get a day to do the spa and a movie by. myself and I'm allowed to do that. And. on their side is like that's not being a. good mom or whatever they'd.

say to notice. Wait, like that sentence, those feelings might seem like they're. this ball that's like coming over to my. side of the court, but actually visually. seeing that and going like this, like. not like this, like but just like I'm. going to give that back to its rightful. owner. That was actually not my feeling. in the first place. Same thing. I'm. going out to dinner and this is what. happened. My daughter's like, "You never. put me to bed." I've literally put to. bed for like 42 straight nights. Like. it's been 42 nights, right? So, but.

she's basically saying the bed guilt, right? I wish you would put me to bed. and meanwhile like my husband's home. Like it's not like I'm like put yourself. to bed even like she's she's 10, my. husband's home. That's not guilt because. actually in that moment I I do want to. have dinner with my friends. It's it's. her feelings. And then what happens when. we take on someone's feelings? Not only. do we call it guilt and we don't do the. thing we want, which makes us resentful. and then rage at our kids, we actually. deprive our kid of the opportunity to. learn how to cope with that feeling. because now I'm saying weird things to.

my kids like don't don't you want me to. have dinner with friends but so if I can. visualize like that's my daughter those. are her feelings like they keep feeling. like they come to me like go over there. here's me in my desire to do something. for myself once I give it back to her I. can actually empathize which ironically. helps us hold a boundary you wish it was. me putting you to bed you feel sad I. totally get that and it's still this. practice it will still start to creep in. as guilt but when you can really say to. yourself Wait, am I acting in this.

moment like in general in line with my. values? Like you kind of have these. different glasses and and you realize. it's actually a totally different thing. I can be a good mom who sometimes wants. the night off, right? Cuz I think when. it digs in us to some degree, there's so. many things, these small things where we. just start telling ourselves the story. of unconsciously like I'm a bad mom, right? Like I yelled at my kid. Okay, like that doesn't make me a bad mom. Like I actually think if I want to get.

on a pedestal and like scream about. anything, it's about repair. Like that's. the most important thing is repair. And. you can't repair if you don't mess up. And so you have to mess up to get good. at repair. And yelling doesn't make you. a bad mom. And missing a bedtime doesn't. make you a bad mom. And wanting Mother's. Day to yourself doesn't make you a bad. mom. Just like hitting doesn't mean you. have a bad kid. And lying doesn't mean. you have a bad kid. And having the only. kid who clings to you at the birthday. party doesn't mean your kid is never. going to have friends. and is a loser, right? Like, well, I love that you say.

like you think all kids are good. I do. too because I I think also you hear so. much like don't be a bad boy or things. like that. And I don't know why and I'm. so not like the most gentle person. Like. I love boundaries. I love structure. I'm. pretty militant with the schedule. Like. that's me. But I can't stand like don't. say do you want to be a bad boy or a. good boy? Like I don't like that. Well, I. think it gives me like the ick too. because I think another against.

principle which is more than a script. like that we have this good inside. approach is separating identity who you. are from behavior which is what you do. These two things have traditionally been. collapsed with kids. Don't be a bad boy. What you're really trying to say to. someone is like don't push a kid at a. playground or whatever. It's like you're. talking about a behavior and you're. assuming everything, which doesn't mean. pushing is okay to playground. But if I. think instead, wait, let me separate. these two things. I have a good kid. I'm.

going to assume I have a good kid who. has a pushing problem. I'm not going to even say don't be a bad. boy at a playground. I'm probably just. going to stay a lot closer to them and. make sure they don't push a kid off the. swing. Again, I'm going to actually be. like this leader, right? And so, actually, we're talking about it with. moms and kids, but separating identity, who we are, from behavior, which is what. we do for us and our kids, is a profound. tool of regulation because then I can. say, "Okay, Becky, I'm a good mom who. just screamed at her kids." Okay, let me.

take a deep breath. Both are true. Now, what do I want to do about it? Versus if. I'm in the bathroom like, "I'm a. monster. I messed up my kid forever. If. anybody saw one on my house, no one. would believe it. You think I'm going to. repair with my kid or make any good. decision? and I'm spiraling in shame. I'm probably going to be cranky with my. kids the next day. I mean, it's just. that one moment can then take over a. week. And so, same thing with our kid. You know, saying I have a good kid who, right? Versus, I mean, I say this stuff. about my kids sometimes at night, too. Like, oh, they're so difficult. They're.

so annoying. They're so spoiled. They're. so selfish. Like, wait, I have a good. kid who's having a hard time tolerating. frustration and not getting their way. Now all of a sudden there's a world of. things again, a skill probably I can. teach them, right? Instead of a. character spiral to get lost in. Do you. have any tips for mom guilt? Cuz I think. people need to hear that. 100%. So. literally this visual I would ask a mom. right now to say, "Okay, what do I feel. guilty that I just did or where is mom. guilt coming up in the future?" Right?

Not again again not about I acted out of. alignment with my values but it's. usually around some moment where we're. actually taking care of ourselves. Yes. So think about that moment. Maybe it's. my girlfriends always go on this trip on. a weekend and I always say no because I. feel too guilty. That's a good and I. would ask yourself this is a tool. Is it. is that because it's actually guilt like. it's out of alignment with my values to. spend 3 days every couple years with my. friends or is that because I'm just.

thinking so much about my partner and my. kids the different things they're going. to say to me and I'm kind of taking that. on and then truly I would close your. eyes. I'd picture yourself on a tennis. court and instead of the net, picture. like a glass wall because if there's a. glass wall when you picture your partner. saying like I don't know make I've been. working all week you know or your kid. saying what you're going to miss my. soccer game you know then you can. realize wait their feelings are going to. seem like they come to me but that glass.

wall can like put them back that visual. gives you space to get out of this. reactive mode. So that's number one. Number two, I think that sentence is a. tool. It's a mantra. I'm a good mom who. I'm a good mom who wants to spend a. weekend with friends. Yes. And then. number. three, just keeping in mind, and if it. helps to imagine me whispering this to. you, if it's hard to kind of develop. this voice immediately on your own, like. it is a really good thing for kids to.

have parents who take care of. themselves. The model of a relationship. we form with our kids becomes the model. they take into adulthood. Not just for. parenthood, for actually romantic. relationships. They take it that's what. they think things should look like. And. so ask yourself, do I want if I have a. daughter for her to think love means. never taking care of yourself? Do I want. her to say my mom loved me so much that. she ran herself into the ground? I don't.

want my kids to say that. No. I actually. want my kids to say, and they'll never. actually say this, but if they did, if. they're poetic, I'd want them to say, "My mom showed me it was possible to. really love someone else and really love. yourself at the same time." And the. fourth tool I'll say, cuz this is a fun. topic for me, is we often think. discomfort in our body is a sign we're. doing something wrong. It's always a. sign we're doing something new. New. It's like if you've been down one ski. slope a million times, I'm going for a.

walk. Oh, fine. I'm not. I'm going to go. with my friends. Okay, I'm not. I'm not. going to go out to dinner. Then even if. it's not working for you, it's very. comfortable to not take care of yourself. because that's a ski slope you've been. down 20 billion times and you're like, I. just can point my skis and the rest. happens. Right? If you think about. skiing and you're like, I'm a hell of. skiing and I'm like in powder and I've. never been on those tracks and your. friend who's a skier said, but that. feels harder than the run I've done a. million times. You'd be like, no. Like I've never done it before. So.

you're going to have a voice that says. this is wrong. I'm selfish. But if you. tell yourself, first of all, anticipate. that voice and remind myself this is a. sign I'm doing something new, not. something wrong. Like so many things. open up as possibilities. So I want to. talk to you about confidence and what. you think confidence is, especially in. kids. So, I love this topic because I think. the way that we're kind of told what. confidence is or just the way that it's. portrayed to me not only gets it wrong,

but again, if we're looking to build. something and we don't have an accurate. definition of what that is, sometimes. like we build in the wrong direction. And I think this idea that confidence. means feeling good about yourself, it. couldn't be more toxic. I do not think. that's what confidence is. Mhm. I really. think confidence is self-rust, which is very different because like I. went to Duke and I always remember this. girl who's in one of my early seminars. She was I'm sure you've met these people. too. You're like, "You're just smarter. than the rest of the people here." Like. these are just true things. Like it's.

fine. Let's just call spade a spade. She. was so smart. And we were in this class. and I I generally could follow what was. happening. But there was this moment. where I was I literally have no idea. what the professor is talking about now. I went to a small enough class that you. could like raise your hand, but I was. just looking around and I was like, "I. don't know. Figure it out." And I I have. the chills again. Like this girl raises. her hand. And she just said, "Sorry.". And sorry to all of you guys. This is. all annoying, but I do generally follow. what's happening. And I I have no idea. what you've been talking about for the. last couple minutes. Like, is there any.

way it does seem important and I want to. know it? Could you just go back and say. it again? I was like, "That was baller. That was baller." Like that is. confidence. And that's such an important. differentiation cuz I think in that. moment I wasn't as confident as I would. have been like as I would have wanted to. be because I was trying to make myself. feel good, right? I was like, "Oh, it's. fine. I I guess I'll it doesn't matter.". She was so confident that she could. trust her confusion, right? She trusted. it enough and must have also been able. to hold another two things. I can be a.

smart person who's confused and still. ask questions. Exactly. Yes. And it from. that point on I just started thinking I. remember in college like what is. confidence because that example like. really really stuck. So let's take a. moment that might happen with our kids. Our kid comes home and says I'm the only. one in my class who can't read. Okay. And I think to some degree we have the. urge to say we believe confidence. building will come from saying like but. you're so good at math and everyone else. stinks at math or like whatever we say. in that moment or right but everyone.

reads at their own pace and it's not. about those things damaging your kids. but to some degree like I think about. this like feelings bench having a lot to. do with confidence and resilience like. our kid is kind of wandering around this. garden and there's all these benches of. experiences and feelings and right now. my kid is on the I'm the only one who. can't read bench, which I think Chloe, you and I know is just I'm noticing. other people's h have things I don't. bench or I feel jealous or I feel behind. bench, which is kind of a bench you're. probably going to be on at various times.

throughout your life. And we have this. urge to do one of two things. We either. see this like sunnier bench, the what we. think of as confident. We're like, just. come over here. You're an amazing soccer. player. Come here at me. Or we do this. thing where we like try to convince our. kid that their bench isn't their bench. Which when you say it that concretely. doesn't make sense. Like that can't be. true, right? You didn't notice what. you're telling me you noticed. Like. which makes a kid doubt themselves. Yes. Or convincing them to go in the sunny.

bench makes them think that there's. something dangerous about this. experience. Like this bench must be bad. because my parent will not sit on it. right with me. And so I remember this. experience, right? And with my kid, it. honestly wasn't about reading, but. there's always this. I'm I'm the last. I'm the slowest kid in my class. I'm the. worst one at soccer or whatever. I'm the. only one who doesn't have this. And to. me, confidence actually comes from my. kids increasing ability to feel like. even when I go through this hard thing,

I trust it. I believe it's real. And. like I believe it's okay to be me while. I'm having it. And that's something kids are inherently. born with where they kind of absorb from. us. Is my parent scared of this feeling. I'm having? Does my parent need to avoid. it? Does my parent want to be with me. even when this thing is true? And again, this is not a way of saying. that you should say to your kid like, "You're really bad at reading." Like,

no, that's definitely like we can do a. lot better than that. But I do like to. make things concrete. And I think. confidence and resilience kind of like. there are these like three lines that I. think every parent should have in their. back pocket for these moments. And my. husband, by the way, said like he would. like if I use these three lines with. him. So I guess they're just good human. human lines. Tell us, please. I'm the. only one in my class who can't read. So. picture him on this bench. Picture. sitting with them saying, "I'm so glad. you're talking to me about this. I do. love that. I'm.

so deep from an attachment perspective. You're saying the version of you who's. slow at reading, I still want to be in a. relationship with that part of you. It's. like it and then you I I'm going to cry. Like usually when you give something. like that to a kid, they're willing to. tell you more cuz they're like, I guess. it's safe. You're not scared of this. M. and then to me the most confidence. building thing you can say cuz kid will. then say yeah like they gave out all the. books and I got this like clearly like.

little kid book and every other kid got. a chapter book and whether it's true or. not it actually doesn't matter if there. was like one other kid your kid's. experience was that right right and then. the second line after I'm so glad you're. talking to me about this is just I. believe you a I think that's the most. confidenceb buildinging phrase there is. for a kid it's actually what builds our. confidence when you're Yes, of course. Was that a weird thing that my boss said. to me? Was that a little creepy? Like, if you're able to say to yourself, first. of all, I'm so glad I'm recognizing.

this, right? And I believe myself. That. did feel off, right? So, so glad you're. talking to me about this. I believe you. And then the third is just tell me more. Then what happened? And then what. happened? Because if you are like your. kids benchwarmer, again, it's word, right? Then what happens when they kind. of play out the story? I've really. noticed with my kids, they get off the. bench before you do. or just kind of. like, "Can I have a snack?" And you're. like, "Oh, that's that." Like, and then. the next time they're on that bench, which might not be about reading, but it.

will be about something else. Even when. they're 20, like someone's going to get. a promotion before them, someone's going. to have a bigger house than them. Someone's going to get married and they. wanted to get married and thought they. were and they feel behind. Like these. things are just life. Your kid is going. to be confident and resilient through. that experience because they've actually. encoded in their body. You're being. there with them. They're not alone. I. think everyone should write those three. things down and use them. And like you. said, even with adults, it doesn't have. to just be children. No, cuz all of us,

when you're saying that, I'm like, thank. you. There's so many more layers to. confidence and the depth of it. And it's. such a beautiful thing, but I think we. all think it's more like aesthetically. That's right. I do think long term. And. I'm just going to use my daughter, but I. picture my daughter one. day being in a situation, let's say, with someone who's like, I don't know, come on, come home with me. Come home. with me. Come on, you're making a big. deal out of nothing. Like, come on, we're just we're just having fun. And I mean, I really have the chills. I'm like, if she at that point, she be.

like, well, what do I know about. trusting myself? Do I make too big of a. deal out of things? M should I just feel. good in this moment or do I know that. when I have a little bit of a like I. don't know about this feeling have I. learned be trust myself and I can be. confident to say I'm not comfortable. maybe another layer of like get away. from it you know that's what I want for. her but you're so right in all of these. things now I don't think people realize. how much they prepare you for later.

that's right and and the other side of. that I just want to get ahead of is the. like we all have oh so my kid's just. going to go home with someone because I. messed them up. No, no, no. And it's. actually an amazing thing. No matter how. old your kid is, how cool if you can go. to your kid and say, "Hold on, just hold. on a second. This might seem out of the. blue, but I was I was listening to this. podcast, whatever it is, and yes, I was. learning about parenting because that's. important and it doesn't come. naturally." And I was learning just like. you learn about things, but and it never. ends. And it never ends. Thank goodness. The learning and and the parenting never.

ends. and say, you know, there have been. moments when you parenting the learning, too. Like, there have been moments when. you told me things that are upsetting. And I think sometimes I've like. optimized for trying to make you feel. better instead of for helping you trust. that you really were upset about things. and you have the right to be. And you. might look at me now and say, "Mom, you're being so weird. I don't know what. you're talking about." But I know what. I'm talking about. And I'm going to try. to do that a little differently. You. know, I recently asked a group of I as. in this live event and I said, I want. you to raise your hand if your parents.

repaired with you. Not like, I'm sorry. you feel upset. That is not a repair. And not I'm sorry I yelled, but if you. put on your shoes the first time, it. wouldn't have happened. That's also not. a repair. But just like, I'm sorry I did. this thing. I learned I would like to do. it differently. Zero people. Zero people. raised their hand. Wow. And I just think we have this also. opportunity as this generation of. parents to say learning about parenting. doesn't mean trying to be perfect at.

parenting. Just like if I learned. Mandarin, I wouldn't say to Chloe, I'm. learning Mandarin so I can speak. Mandarin perfectly. Right. And you know. what language I'd go back to speaking. when I'm stressed? English. Yeah. Right. But it doesn't mean my Mandarin is like. all lost. And so what if we're not the. first generation to get it right all the. time? That's also icky. I don't want my. kid to think love is someone getting it. right all the time. Also unrealistic. But if we're the first generation who. really goes to our kids in certain. moments and says some version of, "I'm. sorry I handled something this way. I. want to do it differently." That that is.

such a gift to our kids. It's the It's. the best gift. I love that. Is there. anything else? I feel like we've covered. so much, but I really think if there's. one thing a parent can take from this. and that can really stick with them, and. it's really the one thing I tell myself. every day is like, Becky, I'm going to. I'm going to get really good at repair. And so, if you're getting really good at. repair, you have to mess up. Like, there's no way to get good at the thing. that repairs the mess up if you didn't. do the first thing. And so, I do like to.

add levity to like help myself through. these hard moments. And so sometimes I. yell at my kids or I say some words that. I'm like, I promised myself I would. never say those, but they fly out of my. mouth. I'm like sitting on the toilet. orever I'm trying to recover. And what I. will try to say to myself is, "Okay, Becky, wait, remember like I'm trying to. get good at repair. You can't repair. unless you mess up." So step one is. messing up. And so like, right, crushed. it. Crushed it. Did it. Did it. You know. how like everyone's like the first step. is the hardest step. People say that I. did the first step. It's easy. I did.

All I have to do is the second step. And. and then I really do think about myself. as the cycle breaker. Like my kid will. know that the people who love you the. most sometimes can't regulate. themselves. That's not your fault. Although that does happen. And you can. actually expect those people, you should. expect those people when that happens to. not make up some story about it being. your fault, but to come to you maybe in. time and to take accountability. I think. it's smart to explain that, too. Like. maybe not right away, but in time. Yeah.

hopefully they will want to repair. That. is how kids get good at apologizing. I. think like if everyone listens who. listens to this today repairs with their. kid today, I would really make a bet. that teachers be like the weirdest thing. is happening in our schools. Like the. kid who usually just like goes to the. corner after bad behavior. I heard this. kid go this other kid and just say I'm. sorry I took your blocks. Like I really. think that will happen. It is a ripple. effect. It's a ripple effect because. think about what we hold in a.

relationship when we feel like there was. a moment that didn't feel good and we. didn't get a repair. You hold that act. it out really until you get that repair. Until you get it, it can be 10 years. That's right. And I think as adults a. lot of the reality is like we have to. repair with ourselves or like tell. ourselves the words that maybe we never. got from our parents. Although that can. still be really healing, right? So I. think that's the thing I want to leave. parents with. If repair is hard for you. as a parent, to me, what that really. tells me is repair was never done for.

you when you were a kid, no wonder it. feels that hard because it's completely. new. Like you might be the first person. in the entire lineage of your all the. generations before, right? To say like. this changes with me, that's a big. weight. No wonder it feels really hard. It's not cuz you're selfish. It's not. cuz you're cold-hearted. It's actually. cuz you're doing something completely. cycle breaking. Yes. And so the one. secret that I want to not be a secret is. before you repair with your kid, you. actually have to repair with yourself. That's the missing step. You have to be.

able to say to yourself, "I'm not a. monster." Because if not, you won't be. able to look at the thing that you did, right? I'm a good parent who did. something I'm not proud of. And the best. news is I can do the second thing that I. can feel really proud of. Everyone, no. matter how old or young you are, can. implement that into their life. Yes. Yes. Dr. Becky, thank you so much. Honestly, this was such a treat. I could. talk to you for hours and hours and I.

have lists of questions, but I will be. coming back now. Part two. Yes. Oh my. gosh. Thank you.