Charisma Isn’t Just for Extroverts ft. Vanessa Van Edwards | Khloé In Wonder Land Ep. 17

[Music]. I have a sister named Courtney and a. brother named Robert. Oh my gosh. Is. that not the weirdest? We have the same. life except totally different. I mean, you're way smarter than me, but it's. okay. You have a few more followers than. me. It's fine. We could trade if you. want. I think your cues tell others how to. treat you. We are sending hundreds if. not thousands of signals every day with. our facial expressions, our voice tone, our gestures, our posture. But most. people don't know what they're sending.

Contempt is the only micro expression or. emotion that doesn't go away. Don't. accidentally show contempt in your. profile pictures because it's actually. showing a little bit of scorn or disco. Do we have to go check your profile. pictures? I haven't looked recently. Smiling. We have to change mine. Just. kidding. I'm just I would have I should. have checked. How does one fall for the. cult? Like I'm so intrigued. And it's. usually, by the way, like smart women. That's what I'm saying. They're all. very, very smart. That's the problem. Why do you think I'm doing this? And if. there was a hot cult leader, I might be. in that cult. No, I will not let you.

Cancel. Cancel. [Music]. Vanessa, I'm so happy to have you on. Chloe and Wonderland. I'm so happy to be. here. I'm so I feel like I could chat. with you forever. We've already been. chitchatting. I'm so excited to have you. here because I meet so many people and I. will say that I meet more socially.

awkward people than I do less. I feel. like everything that you research and. everything that you're teaching, it's. like so I love doing podcasts that. people can have takeaways. Yes. And this. one with you in my opinion is genuinely. something that I feel. is maybe the most important because. anyone any gender any age should know. about these cues and how I don't want to. say how to act but either how to I think.

your cues tell others how to treat you. and so if you are not sending the right. cues people treat you wrong and so I. think everyone I I wish we were taught. this in school. We are not right. We're. taught there's a lot of focus on on. books smarts and getting test scores and. IQ and P, you know, but I actually think. that interpersonal intelligence, knowing. how to show up as likable, know how. knowing how to show up as credible, knowing how to be assertive and still be. liked and being able to tell people this. is exactly how I want to be treated, but. knowing what to do with your body, your.

voice, your face. We are sending. hundreds if not thousands of signals. every day with our facial expressions, our voice tone, our gestures, our. posture. But most people don't know what. they're sending. And I find that so. fascinating. I feel like with me, I was. definitely one of those people. I have. not a relatable story, but because I've. been on TV for so long, I was able to. see myself and it was very much as if I. was holding a mirror up to me all day. long and I would be like, "Ew, who is.

this person?" Or, "I didn't know I. sounded like that or why was I talking. to my mom in that tone?" But in a way, I. really appreciated it because I didn't. like that version of me. There's some. people that see that version of. themselves and they are okay with it or. love it. I was not so thrilled with. myself in some of those. You just did um. a disgust micro expression. So, I don't. know. So, when we crinkle our nose up, it's like this kind of like gh I'm. grossed out, disgusted. I'm happy my. face still moves. Okay. We can't do.

eyebrow raises. You know, those are an. eyebrow. Disgust we can still do unless. they learn. Unless we Botox our nose. No, I haven't done that yet. Okay. Not. yet. So disgust is a really interesting. one. It was interesting as you were. talking about seeing yourself. You. showed disgust like you didn't like what. you saw. And what's important about that. is I think actually everyone feels that. way or most people feel that way. And. that's why we're so shocked when we see. ourselves on video or we're so shocked. when we hear ourselves, you know, a. recording of ourselves. So I have one. actually takeaway that I think everyone. should do. Hm. Everyone should know.

their nervous tells. Everyone should. know what they look like when they're. feeling uncomfortable or nervous so that. you know how you're coming across. So, this is a very simple exercise I have. everyone do. You can do it privately. You don't have to show anyone. So, pull. up your phone and I want you to record. yourself as if you're talking to me. So, pretend you're talking to me. And tell. me first what you had for breakfast. yesterday. You don't have to actually do. this if you don't want to. What you're. looking at is what you look like when. you're recalling something truthful. That's the very first thing. That's a. baseline for lie detection, which we can.

talk about. The next thing I want you to. do is I want you to tell me your most. embarrassing story. Tell it to me and. like relive it. What does your body do? What does your voice do? What does your. face do? This is how you look when. someone says something to you in a. meeting on a date that makes you. uncomfortable. And you should know your. giveaways. And the last one is if you. want to, your lying tells. I think. everyone should know what they do when. they lie or when they're feeling guilty. So then I want you to make up an. embarrassing story that did not happen. to you and tell it to me like the camera. like you're trying to convince me of it.

You'll see you're going to do things. that you don't normally do that are your. lying tells your giveaways. Do we want. people to master the art of lying? Do. you know what I mean? Like if I'm. trading myself, okay, I I gulp before I. say something if it's a lie. I want you. to know sometimes we don't always know. when we're lying to ourselves. In our. lab, we do a bunch of lie detection. research and we have people come in. And. we have them do two truths and a lie. Fun game. And we then code the lies to. look for the differences. So one of the. biggest giveaways for a lie is people.

use the question inflection. So they go. up at the end of their sentence, right? Like they're asking. Yes. Yeah. So. they'll say, you know, here's mine. I. live in Austin, Texas. I love dogs. I. love cilantro. I don't like cilantro. Right. I asked it. Okay. Who does? So, right. I do not I do not like cilantro. Yeah. No, me too. So I don't like. cilantro. So that's I asked it. Okay, let's say that you're on a date and. someone's like, you know, I would love. to go out with you again. And you go, yeah,

you don't want to go. No, you don't want. to go. And I think that sometimes, especially as women, we don't want to. tell ourselves the truth. And that. ambivalence, being ambivalent about a. friend or a person, hearing yourself be. like, "Whoa, I just did it." Maybe like. there's a question here. I think that is. such good honesty for yourself. Yes, I. agree. Do you think that because you. were doing this before the social media. craze that there's a difference in the.

way that people now sort of micromanage. themselves in terms of their cadence or. what they're trying to portray to people. like is every it's not as sincere. Yes. Um I think you hit on it. Sincerity is. the word I would give because now all of. a sudden we are almost on our own TV. shows. So I think that maybe for the. first 10 years of your career we. couldn't relate but now like I think. people are watching themselves on video. quite a lot and it's very curated. because they can curate with filters or. how they look and so I think what's. happening is people want that effect in.

real life as well and if they can't get. it they won't do it and so what I'm. hearing more and more is people have. this like feeling of loneliness or lack. of depth with their friendships or their. relationships or they have trouble going. from date to soulmate or acquaintance to. best. because that leap requires authenticity, right? It requires sincerity and I also. real and real connection and not muting. our cues. So this is the other thing. that is a big misconception is sometimes. I think people think so there are 97.

different cues that we send and so I. think we think well I don't know what. cues to send so I'm going to completely. mute. I'm not going to send any cues at. all. When we don't send enough cues it. makes other people nervous right? If we. can't read your face or read your body. we're like uhoh. And we automatically. think it's about us. Like especially me, I'm a recovering awkward person, right? Like I think everyone hates me all the. time. I always think people are angry at. me, right? And that's why I got into. this work actually is I would leave a. party and I'd be like, "Oh, everyone. hates me." And my husband would be like, "What?" Right? Why do you think that?

And I was there's a certain portion of. the population, we are high neurotic and. we misinterpret neutral expressions as. negative. So, I think a lot of. misinterpretations are happening because. of social media because we see someone. portrayed a certain way then we get in. person or even on video and we realize, oh my gosh, there's I can't read them or. they're trying to mute or under signal. and it's causing all these disruptions. in our relationships. I know exactly. what to do now and I can trust my radar, if you would to call it, my keyword. reading ability that I won't.

misinterpret. So, I felt so much better. once I learned how to read faces. Like I. I wasn't misinterpreting them anymore. like that. I knew that disgust. So. disgust is an interesting one because it. comes up when people are either lying or. they're trying to hide the truth. So I. might ask someone, "So what do you think. of the new girl?" "Oh yeah, um she's. great." Right. And I'm like, "It's okay. You can tell me the truth." Like you. giving it away. Exactly. So now that I. know that, I'm not worried that I'm. going to miss the queue. And so I'm much.

less awkward because I know that I can. see it. I'm not I'm not confused by it. Right. And so every I feel like every. cue that you learn you become more. confident and less awkward for for other. recovering awkward people. You're not. recovering awkward person. No, I don't. think so. But I'm someone who I consider. myself like an ambiavert invert. Ambivert. Ambervert. I'm So if that's. how you feel, then you would know. I'm. People think I'm so extroverted, but I. just know when to give it when I need to. give it. I sort of mentally psych myself. up. Yeah. And but I'm definitely not an. introvert, right? Like I I'm vulnerable.

I share myself. I feel like I'm like. full transparency, but I know I. definitely need time to recharge. afterwards. I'm not someone that can. just jump from group to group of people. And like amberverts are most people are. amberverts. We actually studied this. So. there's very few true extroverts and. true introverts. By the way, if you are. curious where you are, right? Here's the. question you can do for yourself or. anyone else. Do you want to go to Vegas? So an extrovert is like, yeah, let's go. pack my bags. Right? A introvert is.

like, I'll watch a show about Vegas on. my couch with you, right? And an. ambbervert is like, well, what are we. gonna do? Yes. How are we gonna get. there? Yes. Like, can I have a little. bit of time to pack my bags? Right. Like, that's in between. That's that's. their limit test. That's how you know. No, that's the best test. That really. is. Yeah. Speaking about the 97 cues, I'm not trying to say that one is more. important than the other, but what would. you say would be the five strongest that. someone should most helpful? It's hard. It's like picking picking a favorite.

child. So hard. Okay. So, the first one. that I like love to talk about is an in. anything that is in congruent. And I'll. give you a specific one, which is in. Western cultures when we say yes, we nod. like this. And we say no, we nod like. this. You always want to look for leaks. where something does not match. So, in. lie detection, we notice that when. people don't feel a certain way, they'll. actually their nod will give them away. So, like if I say to my daughter, "Did. you take the cookie?" And she's like, "Um, yeah. Right? And she shakes her head. No, I.

know that was a leak. And that's because. we often practice our words but not our. non-verbal. So like right now you're. nodding and it makes me feel so good. because a slow triple knot is tell me. more. Tell me more. But if I were to sit. like this while you were talking, right? I would stop talking. Why is she telling. me? The knot is really important for you. as a speaker because it helps you bold. or emphasize your words. If you're pi. pitching, presenting in an interview, a. negotiation, and you want to highlight. what you're saying, a nod actually is. like a non-verbal highlight. You can.

say, you know, I really, really believe. this. And the other person's like, wow, she really believes it. And you also. want to watch for inongruency. So, if. someone says, you know, I really, yeah, I think I think it's great. They don't, right? They don't, right? And so, I'm all for radical honesty in. relationships. And you can say, you. know, I watched Chloe and Vanessa and. you just did a nod that was not right. you can just tell me the truth, right? Like I'm here for it. Yeah. And so. watching for that, that's a really. powerful one. The second one I would say. is a facial expression. And luckily, uh. Botox doesn't affect it. Yay. We can.

still see it. Which is contempt. So a. micro expression is a universal facial. expression. They're across genders and. cultures and races, and they're made. when we feel like in a very intense. emotion. They've discovered seven. They're a little bit hotly debated in. the research community, but the one that. I think the most helpful is contempt, which is a one-sided mouth raise. So, kind of a smirk. So, if you try it, it'll actually make you feel kind of. better then. Can I do it? Like, you did. it. You're doing it. Yeah. Like like you.

got it. Does it move that way? Okay. You. got it. It's a kind of scorn, disdain. better than Why it's so powerful is what. Dr. John got as a marriage and family. counselor. He wanted to know how to. predict divorce. So he did a massive. study where he brought thousands of. couples into his lab and he studied. everything he could think of. He. interviewed them. He looked at their. history, their health. He videotaped. them in interviews and in bed and. breakfast settings looking for patterns. Oh wow. Then he followed these couples. for 30 years. What? One of the biggest.

marriage experiments ever done. He found. there was one single predictor of. divorce. What is it? That is so powerful. that he can watch a silent video of a. couple and tell you with 93.6% 6%. accuracy if that couple will get. divorced. Stop. What is that? If one. member of the couple shows contempt. towards the other. What he found was. there was couples that many many couples. stayed together and they did not show. contempt in that initial intake. interview. But 93.6% of couples if one. member showed in the initial interview.

Got it intake interview. Yes. So when I. I'm always asked by friends like come. meet my guy which I love to do. I mean I. love making right. And what I'm looking. for is that and that is because contempt. is the only microexpression or emotion. that doesn't go away. Wow. Happiness. comes in a burst and then it settles. Anger comes then you calm down. Fear. comes and you get less nervous. But not. contempt. If you feel better than. someone else that disrespect if it's not. addressed, it fers and it grows into I.

hate you. That's why at end at the end. of a marriage, a bad marriage, people. won't even look at each other. And so. contempt is so powerful. One is you need. to make sure that you are not. accidentally seeing it on your partner, your teammate, your friend's face. When. you see it, I want you to immediately. say, "Hey, are we good? What's happening. here?" Cuz you don't know what it's for, right? Like that contempt can be towards. you. It could be towards something like. their own internal monologue. It could. be something outside. Immediately. addressing the contempt diffuses it. The. moment you can spot that smirk and say,

"Hey, we're on the same page here. I. want to be against that contempt." You. fix it. That is so fascinating. And. check your profile pictures. Check your. profile pictures. Don't accidentally. show contempt in your profile pictures. because it's actually showing a little. bit of scorn or dis. Do we go check your. profile picture? I haven't looked. smiling. Okay, good. I would rather, by. the way, neutral or smile, but nothing. in between. So, no as asymmetry on the. face and also not a fake smile, right? So, like a fake smile. Um, the only Oh, you can tell when I'm fake smiling. Okay. Okay, good. So, cuz it's it's only.

the only definition of a real smile is. when the smile reaches all the way up. into these crows feet. Yeah. And so when. someone's like, "Yes, I'm so happy to be. here, right?" Like, "Not good." Not good. because you're so blank in the eyes, you. don't really mean it. Yes. And so go. check your profile pictures for. contempt, asymmetry, and then there's. one other thing. If you're checking. profile pictures, my least favorite pose in the history of. all of humanity is this one on LinkedIn. I'm going to show you. Let me go like. this. That is commercial. It's horrible. No,

it's horrible. It's all the wrong body. language, right? Like you're angled. away. So we like when the body is angled. right towards someone, right? And like. very heady for like I don't know. No. more. No more. So no contempt. No. Over. the shoulder. I love a hand. You have to. change mine. Just kidding. No, I'm just. kidding. I would have I should have. checked. I should have checked. Would. you die if I was like, "Well, mine are. all the above." But it's not. Don't. worry. I would tell you. Yeah. No. And I. would I got in trouble recently. I can. tell you this is crazy. I got in trouble.

for not sharing. So, one of my friends. had a guy and my whole crew met him and. they all loved him. Oh, the group tusks. was ablaze with hearts and fires and. gifts and I was away for the meeting. So, I was like, "Dang it." So, I met him. later and I was expecting something. great and I met him. Girl, I saw so many. red flags. No. And I didn't know what to. do because all my friends loved him and. my friend was falling in love with him. Oh, no. So, I didn't say anything. Turns. out couple months later, he was.

completely scamming her. fake. background, fake job, fake everything. And thank goodness she figured it out. But never again will I not say anything. So if you had a bad profile picture, I. would tell you. And I was just thinking. then when I get a boyfriend, I'm. bringing him to you. Yeah. Take me. pictures. Well, I'll like be like a. bush. So is all you need is a photo or. you need to meet someone? Well, I I can. tell a lot from a video because remember. silent videos. I don't think I'm really. going to do this. Yeah. No, text me. Yes. We need to We need to make sure.

Yes. I also like my friend is so smart. Like she's so cool, so smart. She has. good intuition. So I was like really. surprised that she didn't pick up on it. I realized it was the language of cues, which goes back to what you said at the. beginning. If we are armed with these. cues, we know what to look for. We can. get right to the truth, which is the. goal. When was the last time that you. knew you should probably see a doctor, but you didn't. Maybe you said, "I'm too. busy." Or, "It'll go away on its own.". or the classic, I don't even know which. doctor to go to. Yep, we've all made.

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quality. Prescription required. Price. varies based on product and subscription. plan. See website for full details, restrictions and important safety. information. Do you feel like you have. good intuition on people? I feel like I. do, but I've also been wrong about. people, you know, but I feel like I do. more so when it's not romantic because. I'm not blinded by other things. And. that's that's I think what was. happening. And like I think wishful. thinking is like very powerful and. beautiful and like that's good, but we. also have to know what is the body.

language telling us? What is even the. vocal power telling us? So wait, I was I. promised five, right? So we did nodding, we did contempt. My next favorite one I. want to do lip persing. So lip pursing. is a universal gesture that when we are. withholding something we. we kind of press our lips together into. that firm line. Like for example if you. ask a woman how much do you weigh? She'll be like right like we just like. we don't like to say. So it's a. universal gesture. I like looking for it. when I always want to know when. someone's holding back with me. You know. friend or teammate or my hubby doesn't.

hold back anymore. He knows better. He. knows better for a long time. Oh my god. He's the most honest person I ever met. and that's why I married him so he. doesn't gift you have I'm like this is. amazing. No, he has no choice. So, and. by the way, watch this with your. partner, right? Like like do this with. your like trade cues with your partner, please. So, a lip purse I that's I think. a symbol of I need to go deeper. I need. to give this person permission that I'm. a safe place for them. And like that's. what we're doing as humans is we're. trying to be like you belong here. You. are safe here. So, if I'm talking to.

someone and they're like, and they press their lips together, I. know what they're thinking is, should I. say this? Should I say this? And I. always want them to say it. Right. Right. It's like, it's a perfect moment. to be like, "You can tell me. Just tell. me everything." And then just tell. people you read body language and then. they'll really tell you everything. It's. a good way to get them to tell you that. because you're not waiting for them to. just be like, "I watched Khloe Vanessa's. podcast and I I know all the cues. I. know. I know you're hiding something. from me." That's a good one. What's.

number four would you say? I would say. toe behavior. And this is kind of a. weird one. So, we actually found that. when we were observing people, we. noticed that people tended to point. their toes towards the most important. person in the room or their crush. Oh, wow. And I love to go to an office. Christmas party and try to predict who. has a crush on where their feet are. Yes, this makes sense, right? From a. from a subconscious perspective, your. brain is sort of on either the most. important person in the room or your. crush. And so your body sort of orients.

towards them even if we're talking like. your feet might be towards them. So one, you can look at this. It's very. interesting to look at. But two, it's. also a good cue for you if someone's. done talking to you, they will often. point their toes towards the door. Like. if they want out and literally if you. ever want out, you also could point your. toes towards the door. Subconsciously, sometimes you will pick up on it. I am. gonna pay attention to this so deeply. now. This is going to be sick game. It's. also a great way to like look at. people's shoes and see all kinds. Totally. No, I love this. That is I've. never thought about the foot one. That's.

crazy. And we don't think about feet and. so often it gives it away. You know what. I mean? Wow. Yes. And now everyone's. going to know about this one. Well, I. mean, now everyone's going to be like, I'm just straight ahead. Yes. And is it for men and women? Wow. Yeah. Um, okay. Last one. It's again, it's so. hard to pick my favorites. My last one. I'm gonna do. So far, these are great. Building on the nod is I'm a big nodder. I know. I love it. I don't know if it's. bad or good. And it's all subconscious. I'm not like sitting here like I better. nod right now. I sometimes hate that I.

do it so much, but I'm so invested in. what people are saying. I love it. because it's a warmth cue. So, when we. talk about body language, we want to. split them up into warmth cues and. competence cues. When humans first meet, especially in first impressions, we are. very quickly trying to get gauge. someone's warmth and competence. This. makes up 82% of our impressions of. people. So when someone first meets you, the very first question they're asking. is, can I trust you? The second question. is, can I rely on you? Very highly.

charismatic people, that's who I study. Highly charismatic people are quickly. signaling, you can trust me, and you can. rely on me. And then we're like, we like. this person. That's why we like or we're. drawn to certain people. So when we. warmth cues are the first thing I want. to do. Nodding is a warmth cue which is. why we love it so much. There's. something I want to note about it. though. So a slow triple nodh. makes the other person speak 67% longer. Okay. So as an interviewer is great. because you're like keep going tell me.

more. Right? But there's a difference. between a slow nod and a fast nod. A. slow nod is engagement and warmth. A. fast nod is impatience. M. So, look at. the difference. This is Mhm. versus Uhhuh. Mhm. Right. It's so fascinating. If you want someone. to just wrap it up, like they're like. Mhm. Mhm. And they get it. They're like, "Oh, okay. I got I got to hurry it up and. wrap it up." It's like so interesting. like that subtle that subtle little.

difference. It's so crazy. I also tend. to I think like squint. You do a lower. lid flex, right? What does that mean? Yes. Okay. So, um, some of your amazing. cues. So, you, uh, nod. And by the way, you mentioned too much. There is such a. thing as bobbleheading. I don't think. you do. I don't think you do it. You. know, I love that when you live term, when you just feel yourself just like. you're like, "No, no." So, I I'm a. recovering bobbleheader. Okay. Okay. I'm.

just going to come out. Yes. You're safe. here. Yeah. I'm recovering bobblehead. And it was my New Year's resolution two. years ago to stop bobblehead. No way. Yes. Because too much warmth takes away. from your competence. So we talk about. the balance of these cues. If we send. too much warmth, our credibility goes. down. So highly warm folks are seen as. likable and friendly, but people. interrupt them. People don't take them. seriously. People push back on them. They can't raise their rates or get a. raise. Too warm. When we have a lot of. warmth, it decreases their competence.

Now the other hand is there are some. folks who are very high in competence, signaling high competence. If you're. high in competence, people take you. seriously, think you're in charge, think. you're capable, but they don't like you. They think you're a bad collaborator. They don't open up to you. And so those. are both, you know, challenges. And so. if you are bobbleheading, you are too. high in warmth and it means people will. not take you as seriously. So you want. to nod purposely like I you're nodding. when you agree with me, I hope. Right. Right. You're not nodding by default. I. was doing it all the time, which took.

away from my credibility. So, if you. are, if this is you, if you're a. bobbleheader, I have a trick for you, which is it. Yes. You just need to. replace it with the head tilt because. it's impossible to do both at the same. time. Do you know what I mean? Like, it's I. look crazy, right? It's not a good look. So, that's what I would, right? That's. it's weird. So, that's I'm on video a. lot, right? So, like I have to be. careful. So, that's what I would do. I'd. be like, Right. And it's still warm, but it's. okay. Like, it still works. This is my.

awkwardness, right? I had to just. replace it. So that's you if you're an. overn. Um, so competence on the other. hand, I just want to talk about. competence for a second. Competence. comes from stillness, comes from eye contact, and it comes. from hand gestures. So big hand talker. I'm a big hand talker, too. That's why I. always have to have my nails done. Right. Same. I try to hold my hands. sometimes to stop using them so much. just to calm down a little bit. Yes. Because it's a spectrum, right? Like. same with nodding. So you I that shows. me that you have a lot of warmth, but.

you need to like you know Yeah. Calm. down. High competence. We would say high. competence. That's what we say in the. research. Yeah. Because so gestures I. mentioned earlier in your profile. picture. I love a hand gesture in a. pose. And that is because our I think. our hands are like the windows to the. soul. Um we tend to look at hands for. trust. And that's because if we can't. see someone's hands, we wonder what's. their intention. Um we also look to. hands for comprehension. So for if I. were to say to you today I have a really. big idea.

For those who are listening I'm holding. up a very little thing. Yes. You would. be like but Vanessa it's so small. And. that is because your brain gives 12.5. times more weight to my gestures. Oh. wow. Which is crazy because liars don't. practice their gestures. So the reason. we like a gesture is because we know. it's very hard to lie with our gesture. So if someone says like I'll we'll do an. experiment. Want to do experiment? Okay. So I want you to I want you to say five. but hold up three. Okay, ready? Five. horrible hard hard because you have to.

think about both separately. And it's. really hard to lie with our hands. So. the reason why this is important is. because we are looking to gesture for. truth. So if I say I have a really big. idea and I hold it like it's beachball. big, you're like well it does look big, right? That is a big one, right? But if. I am like I have three ideas, you're. like well there's three. And by the way, if you don't be able to interrupt you, say, "I have three things I want to talk. about today. Number one, number two, number three." Right? Because we're. trusting, oh, she has three. She better. get through all three. So, we look for. very highly competent people, the best.

speakers, the best headtalkers. They use. purposeful gestures. They show visible. hands. So, they always like start with a. palm uh showing and then they underline. their concepts with their words. And so. if you're presenting or you're speaking. or sharing an important idea, the more. you can emphasize with your gesture, not. crazy movement, but emphasize, the more. people are like, "Wow, she really knows. her stuff." It's so fascinating. And do. you think I mean, this is all just. naturally done. Or do you think people. are paying attention if you're doing a.

TED talk and they're getting these stats. and they're like, "Okay, well, I'm going. to come out waving, showing the palm of. my hand." Yeah, there's a certain. portion of the population that are. naturally very highly charismatic. They. come out the womb with great gestures. Like they are always gesturing, but most. of us have learned or they notice, wow, like oh, a really good TED speaker, they. tend to like sound and look a certain. way. Like for example, every TED talk. sort of sounds like this. Today I want. to talk about a big idea. Yes. I'm going. to break it down into three areas that.

will change your life. Oh my gosh. Yes. Right. Like that's a TED talk voice. It. is. Right. And I just cued you. like, well, she sounds smart, even though I. was I was we better hear those three. ideas that are going to change my life. What are they? And so that v vocal tone. told you that I had high competence. And. so yes, there's a portion of it that's. natural, but I actually think that. what's holding most of us back is we are. warm and we are competent, but we don't. know how to signal it. So the curse of. very smart people and most of my.

students are high achieving, super. talented, whip it smart, but they don't. know how to showcase their idea. They. don't know how to present in front of a. room. They don't know how to pick a guy. They don't know how to turn a casual. friend into a best friend because they. don't know how to signal, I really want. this warmth, but also take me seriously, that likability and credibility. So I. wish a lot of it was natural, but I. actually think that we can learn it. People skills, body language, it's a. skill like math or science. I think that. the longer we can keep our kids off. their devices so that they have to. figure out, oh, it's awkward if I don't.

make eye contact, right? Oh, that moment. of do we handshake or hug or high five. is really awkward. Here's how I'm going. to do it. I'm going to signal clearly. I. teach my kids three body language. things. So, if you're if you have any. kids in your life, teach them these. three things. First is try to notice. someone's eye color. If you tell a kid. to make eye contact, at least like I. have, you know, seven-year-olds and two. and a half-year-old, they're like, "What?" Like they don't. But if you're. like, "What was their eye color?" It. gives them a reason to make eye contact. And then you explain to them when you. make eye contact, you notice their eye. color. It shows that you want to know.

them. Okay? So, notice their eye color. and try to show them that you like them. Second, hands first. So, always approach. with your hand out. Um, so you're. clearly signaling the greeting that you. want. Especially for little kids who. maybe they don't want a handshake, maybe. they want a high five, maybe they want a. fist bump, maybe they just want to wave. I want them to know that they can be in. control of how they want to be greeted. and that hand gestures are very. important. So, like visible hands. And. the last one, this is so important for. littles is weird, but I tell them,

imagine like you're wearing a cape. A. superhero when they wear a cape, they. roll their shoulders back. They have. their chin held up high. I want to. maximize the distance between your ear. and your shoulder. And kids are always. like, "Really? Why?" When kids get. nervous, they tend to take up as little. space as possible. Even like I see. adults will say hi on Zoom like this. Hi. Right. And that destroys your credibility. Right. Right. So I say to my I have two. daughters. So I say, you know, maximize.

this with your ear and your shoulder. Stand like you're wearing a cape. When. you take up space, people pay attention. to you. When you take up space, people. take you seriously and they believe you. And that's a really important gift we. can give them early on. And us too, right? Like I also when I'm in video, on. photos, in person, I'm trying to. maximize this weird distance, right? No, those are I love all these takeaways. because like I said, I don't care your. age, your gender, what you do. I think. all of this is so helpful for work, for. friends, friendship circles, any of.

that. Do you notice male versus female? Do some struggle more than others or So, I don't think one struggles more than. they don't struggle with body language. more than others, but I have noticed. that there are different cues. So for. example, the research actually finds. this is that women typically default to. hire in warmth. This makes sense. We are. often taught from a cultural perspective. to be caring and nurturing and to be. liked. And so we'll do anything to be. liked, even if it means throwing our. competence under the bus. And so women,

I think, will often. in the desire to be liked, they. sacrifice their need to be respected. And I want both. Right? So that is a. struggle that more women have than men. Not always, but often. Men often. struggle with the opposite where they're. told they're seen as intimidating or. hard to talk to or cold and they. struggle with the warmth piece and they. struggle with the emotional piece or. showing the emotion piece. And so it's. really important that we help men. Again, it's not always that you can show. warmth and emotion and that doesn't mean.

that you're not a man. It means you're. showing warmth and warmth is a good. thing. So I see that difference. I also. see funny non-verbal cue differences. So, I've noticed men men maybe. commenting can correct me, but men I've. noticed they do a male nod. So, when men. see other men, they go, "Yes, like. that." And I have a theory that men when. they see other men they know, they go, "Hey." And it's cuz they're willing to. show their jugular, but if they see. another man they don't know, they go and. they go down. And so, there's like this.

kind of theory that maybe if you go like. this, you're like, "I see you, but. you're protecting your part." But if. it's the guy you know, you're like, "Look at this. I'm I look at look at my. jugular. Look at my jugular. You know what I mean? No offense, men, but it sounds like a very man thing to. do. So, I have noticed that that weird. difference. I also noticed that men like. to have deep intimate conversations side. by side, like at a bar, like at the bar. or in the car. So, right. And like even. like men will like kind of like turn. away and like want to like cidle up to.

you to talk to you and you're like, "No, just no." Right. Cuz women want face to. face. Yes. women want this. And so I. think that's just like a preference. difference. Like maybe it's like a. territorial thing. So there's like. little gestures like that. Also like you. know way the way men and women flirt is. very different. Very different. So you. know women subconsciously want to call. attention to their their health of their. skin and they often will self touch. So. like they'll self touch their hair. They'll self touch their lips. That's a. thing that men often don't do. Whereas. men will try to claim space more. They.

want to look bigger and broader. Then. it's just a different way of me. It's so. fascinating everything that you like. I. would be afraid to be your friend. I. mean, it's hard. No, I mean, everyone's. laughing, but I just mean cuz you would. know everything. I only have three, so. it's okay. Your two kids and your. husband. My two kids and my husband. Oh. my gosh. No, just because you would know. if I was like, could anyone throw you a. surprise party? I I mean, it was. learning this. So, I wasn't like this.

growing up, right? I was very awkward. I. was misreading all these cues and I. would say my 20s were really hard. That. was when I was coming up with like my. code of non-verbal like I was starting. to do the research. I was starting to. code these cues and break down even. conversation like how what is our. blueprint for how we have good. conversation. And I had friends that. were not truthful or they didn't want me. to be truthful with them. And that was. hard and I lost a lot of friendships. my. best friend from college, she was there,

but it was really hard. And now like my. circle is small. It's really tight. I. have also like a public image also, which you understand. And it's I want it. real small and real tight. And it's. great. It's amazing, right? I am all. about quality over quantity. I think you. do that when you're a teenager in your. 20s. You just acquire a lot of people, but they're not always good for you. I. also think look, ambivalence, you know, like there's those people I don't know. if you still have these people. I someh. I have some of them where like there are. people you see their name on their on. your calendar and you're like.

yeah that is very emotionally draining. right and ambivalent friendships are. worse than toxic friendships in my. opinion. They studied police officers. and they found that police officers who. have toxic relationships are happier in. their workplace than police officers who. have ambivalent relationships at work. Oh no way. And that is because if you. don't like someone, like if you know, oh, like that friend of a friend, like. not my person, you're not going to go. talk to them. You're not going to go. have lunch with them. There's no brain. space they take up. They're not your. person. But if you're like, it's my.

friend's best friend, right? Like, oh, that cousin of a cousin of, you know. what I mean? Like, you're ambivalent. about them and then you're agonizing. about it. And actually, emotionally, that takes a much bigger toll. So, I. would say like the clearer you can get. on those people, the tighter your circle. can be where they're like, "Heck yes.". about these people, the more emotionally. healthy you are with those. relationships. You know that moment when the sun's out, birds are chirping, and suddenly your. backyard looks kind of sad? Yep, me too.

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you're watching because you're my. people, right? Like recovering awkward. people everywhere. like we think that. we're stuck there. We are not stuck. there. There is so much we can do. because one, awkwardness dresses up in. certain ways. And here's what I mean by. this. Awkwardness can dress up as. introversion or like shutting down. I. know people who are awkward and they. completely shut down and they can't. think straight and they go almost like. numb. Awkwardness can dress up as the. opposite, as showing off, as named. dropping, as being over the top. You're.

right. Yeah. Awkwardness can show up as. meanness, right? or bullying. Awkwardness can show up as judgment. So. there's a lot of ways that awkwardness. can show up. And so first thing is. identifying that you don't have to do. that anymore, right? Like you might. default to shutting down or judgment or. being mean and no judgment. That is just. that was a fear mechanism for you. That's the first thing. The second thing. is everyone has their own flavor of. charisma. You do not have to fake it.

till you make it. You don't have to. pretend to be a bubbly extrovert to be. liked. Right? That was the mistake I. made for so long is I thought the only. way I'm going to make friends and to be. liked is to pretend to be this bubbly. extrovert that I'm just not. I can be. I'mverted. Okay. So then it is what is. your flavor of charisma first? Who? Then. where? Then what? Who? It is really hard. to not be awkward around ambivalent. people. The reason why I want you to do. this 30-day we'll call it a cleanse. A. social cleanse. Yes. Is that it's.

setting you up for failure if you're. with people who make you feel a little. uncomfortable or a little bit of dread. It's so hard to be your best self with. them. So, who makes you your best self? Who makes you feel like they just bring. out the funny in you, the likable in. you? They appreciate you for who you. are. Even if that's a very short list, that's your list. Those are your people. And so, that's the first thing is only. practice this with those people. Yes, they're going to make you charismatic. They're going to tell you where you're. natural charismatic. Second is where and.

this is one people forget. So I want you. to think where do you feel your best. self. Like for example for me I love. one-on-one conversations. I love. coffees. I love going to get tacos. I. love cooking with friends. I love having. people over to my house and hosting a. very small like six to eight people at. the most. I have a lot of siblings also. So I'm used to big family gettogethers. Like that's my spot. So I just know that. about me. So where where is it for you? Find your place. And the last thing is. the what? And this is the hardest thing, which is I think what's social media is.

having trouble with is I see all of my. friends life highlights in their reels. Mhm. So no longer do I get the joy of, "Oh, I got a puppy." I know. The mystery. of life is gone. Right. So like my. friend comes over and she's like, "I got. a puppy." And I'm like, "Oh, I know.". She's like, "Let me show you a picture.". I'm like, "Oh, no. I've seen him." Yeah. And then she's like, "I named it." I'm. like, "I know." Tulip. What a buzzkill. Totally. And I also so.

much think that desensitizes us for even. the excitement of things that. should be that exciting and joyful and. things I would normally share. I'm like, "No, cuz they're going to see it." Or. and instead of me telling my friends. something on my own, I'm like, "Oh, they'll" And not like I'm like they'll. hear about it. I just feel like, "Oh, there's enough information going. around." And I really hate that. And my. sisters and I, we talk about that. We. used to like we don't even tell each.

other things sometimes because we get so. desensitized, but I'm like, "Oh my gosh, Court, I heard this happened to you." It. just takes away not only the mystery, but I think we aren't as excited to. share things anymore, right? Yeah. Or. like I'll drop I'll tell my siblings. something good and they're like heart. and I'm like, "Yay." As opposed to like. a a hug or high five or this. And I. think we've taken the joy out of that. sharing. And so I think everyone should. know the three levels of connection in. conversation. And in all of your. relationships, you should be thinking. about these three levels of connection.

This is why sometimes you like don't. click with certain people. It's cuz you. can't actually you're having trouble. getting from level to level. Level one. is called general traits. Occupation, family status, hometown. This is why you. ask everyone where you from. Oh, that. part of the city. Oh, what do you do? It's cuz like we have to kind of know. those general traits to be able to go. deeper. You can't start a conversation. with like, "So, tell me your greatest. fear." Right? Like, I would love to do. that, but like we can't. It's like. awkward. Yeah. I learned that the hard. way. Like, I my awkwardness also comes. with asking way too personal questions.

too quickly. Oh my gosh. Part of my sort. of love that from people. Good. I've. already done it today. So, like we we we check off those. traits. If you are an awkward small. talk, you're probably stuck in that. level where you're always like you see. that like random cousin and you're like, "How's the kid? how you're stuck there. If you want to. level up with them, I was just going to. ask you, how do you level up with them? Yes, you have to know what you're going. towards. The next level is called. personal concerns. This is research out. of Northwestern University that. basically personal concerns is values,

motivations, goals, worries. You know, if you're on level two with someone, if. you could tell me what their biggest. goal is right now, what worries them at. night, what gets them up in the morning, like what excites them. If you know. that, you probably are on level two with. them. If you don't know that, those are. the questions you want to ask. So the. question is like working on anything. exciting these days. Like instead of I. would love to go on a what do you do. diet? Yes. I think what do you do is.

basically asking someone what are you. worth? I agree. But I also think people just do. it out of habit. It's habit, right? And. and also we're trying to check that box. of level one, right? So here's a. challenge. I have a challenge. May we. all just pause asking what do you do and. instead like don't let yourself ask it? I know it's a habit but instead ask. working on anything exciting these days. If someone loves what they do, they will. tell you, right? If someone is not. defined by what they do or they're. ashamed of what they do, they will tell. you something they actually love and.

excites them. And then you're getting. into like the values. And then you can. say I have a little thing that I use. which is like on Mondays and Tuesdays I. always ask, do you do anything fun and. exciting this past weekend? Because then. like a you're known for that. Like all. my teammates, my teammates are all over. the world. They know I'm going to ask. them that on Monday or Tuesday. And so. they're like I do more fun and exciting. things because I know you're going to. ask me. Oh my gosh, I love that. Which. is like great. Like be known for it. So. on Monday and Tuesday I always ask you. do anything exciting this past weekend. On Thursday and Friday I always ask do. you have any fun and exciting plans this.

weekend? And on Wednesdays I don't talk. to anyone. Amber, I love that. Yeah, it's great. It's like a rest day. So you can be. known for these questions or like I have. a friend who always asks me what are you. learning? And you can bet when I see. lunch on the calendar with him, I always. learn something for that lunch. Like he. makes me better with that question. Also, what's your goal? What's your goal. this year? How can I help? That's. getting into level two. Level three is. for your closest people. And I only have. two people on this level and some people.

only have one or no people. It's called. selfnarrative. Your self-narrative is the story you. tell yourself about yourself. It's how. you make sense of your journey and. purpose in the world. So, it is critical. to know someone's self-narrative because. then you know how they think and how. they're making decisions. So, for. example, I've noticed there's a couple. I'm researching this for my next book, which is hero, healer, and victim. I. notice those are three common ones. Heroes self-narrative always sound the.

same. I've had challenges and struggles, but with hard work and grit and. resilience, I always overcome. And. everything in their life is that whether. it's work or romance or personal, they're always in that narrative. That's. their self narrative versus the healer. is another one I found a pattern. Healers are always of service. In fact, usually their careers are even of. service. They're nurses and doctors and. teachers and coaches and trainers. And. their narrative is, I am here to help. others. I'm here to serve the world. The.

issue with healers is they often say yes. to too much, right? They burn out. They're always putting others first. Yes. And so they're but they're. constantly doing it no matter what. They're always overgiving. And so it's. wonderful to be in a relationship with. them, but they're also always. overcommitted. Yes. The last one, which. is really important. If this is you, this used to be my narrative until I. worked to change it. And anyone can. change their narrative is a victim. narrative. Starts the same as a healer. I had challenges. I had mistakes. But. with grit and hard work and resilience,

I wasn't able to overcome. The number one question you can ask. yourself is, do you feel lucky? People. who feel lucky typically have more of a. hero self-narrative. People who feel. unlucky or life has been against them. have a victim self-narrative. And. typically that repeats. Self-narratives. are self-creating. If you have a victim. self-narrative, you literally see the. world differently. You miss more. opportunities. And how were you able to. get yourself out of having the victim. mentality? So I in that awkwardness, I.

felt like I was doing something. I was. causing my own problems. I was getting. my own way. That's a lot of victims will. say like I I'm getting my own way or I'm. unlucky. And I realized that the only. person who could change my life was me. If I wasn't fighting for me, no one else. was going to be fighting for me. And so. I had to learn how to stand up for. myself. I had to learn the skills of reading. body language, of knowing how to. communicate. I had this dream of helping. people communicate and I was like, how.

do we do it? I started on YouTube in. 2007. Like no one was on YouTube in. 2007, but I was like, I have to try it. And slowly I had little micro wins. And. I think this is the way you change it if. you want to change your narrative. Micro. wins. Little tiny successes. Those. little successes are evidence to. yourself like, oh, maybe I can do it. And sometimes that's all we can do. It's. like a little micro win. And I love. micro wins and I don't think that people. applaud themselves enough or cheer. themselves on enough. I love giving.

myself tiny little goals that I'm trying. to reach and when I get there I'm like, "Yay!" Like, are you a to-do list. writer? I love a to-do list. Don't you. love checking off something on to-do. list? Yes. But I am old school. I need a. real piece of paper. I have to And I. need a cute pen, too. Yes. I also will. put things on my to-do list I've already. done just for the pleasure of scratching. it off. It's like adrenaline. Yes. No, I love. that. I'm like, "Okay." And then I see. I'm like, "I have one left." And I get. so excited. Yes. But by the way, when. to-do list, this is like such a silly.

productivity tip, but like this is. research base is like doing a to-do list. is great for organization, but it's. actually better for winning. Like the. art of making a to-do list the night. before if you want to be old school or. that morning is literally just setting. yourself up for a bunch of wins. You. know, especially if you break them down. into very small things. Every single. time you do it, your body produces. dopamine. Dopamine is the chemical of. excitement. It's chemical of motivation. When you check off a win, you're more. likely to win more. And what's crazy is. there's this really interesting research. study. They brought people into their. labs. They split them up into two.

different groups. One group, they had. them take a basic like intelligence. test. The second they had them do the. same test, but they changed the. directions very slightly where they. sprinkled in achievementoriented words. Those are words like success, achieve, master. They wanted to know if you prime. someone or cue them with win words, do. you think more like a winner? That is. exactly what happened. Yes, even three. or four win words made them perform. better on the task, made them spend. double the amount of time working on the. task and helped them enjoy the task.

more. So, when you're doing that to-do. list, you're checking it off and you get. this flood of dopamine which makes you. feel like a winner, which makes you. think like a winner, which makes you do. even better on the next task. I also. very strongly believe in a notto-do. list. Do you have a not to-do list? No. So, like don't do certain things. Don't. do those things. No. Yes. So, a notto-do. list is all the things you know don't. serve you. They're the things like you. know that you should not be doing it. because they usually cause you cortisol. or adrenaline in a bad way. So, like I.

might have on my list, do not check. social media. Okay. Like that would be. on my not to-do list. Or I will not be. in my inbox during my golden hour. You. know, like a golden hour is like your. most creative time. So, like you can. actually also have a notto-do list. Wow. And you get to check it off if you. didn't do it. Yeah. Is this an excuse for me to have more. lists? Maybe. And I'm a colorcoded type. of list. Like I love a good colorcoded. system. By the way, you just did a lower. lid flex and I forgot to explain it. You. asked squinting. You asked. I just did. it and I forgot to explain it. Okay. Oh.

gosh. So, a lower lid. No, it's so good. It's competent. This is I see I. tangented and we're all the way back. All the way back around. Okay. So, a. lower lid flex. When I'm trying to see. something far away, I flex my lower lid. because actually what it does from an. anatomical perspective is I'm blocking. out light. And when we block out light, it means I can see more details. So we. know this is a universal cue as if. someone hardens their lower lid, you. just know that I went from listening to. scrutinizing, right? Like so if I'm like. this, I don't do it very often. do it a. lot is like if I'm going uh I just look.

a little a little bit more skeptical or. like I'm really trying to deeply listen. or deeply understand cuz I don't think. I'm questioning or scrutinizing you. So. you're deeply listening, right? So it's. it's not a positive nor a negative cue. That's why this is a very interesting. one is it's high competence. It shows. deep listening. And here's what the. crazy thing is. I think I was looking at. people's sexiest men alive like for. research. Yeah. And I noticed that like. almost every man is doing it. Like he's.

like this. Oh wow. Well, that's zool. It's blue steel, right? Yes. Why is. because we love a man who is deeply. listening to us, don't we? So the so the. reason why all the hot men I think. they've learned it is they know that. it's sexy to see a man who's lower lid. flexing because we're like oh he's. deeply listening to me he's in our soul. So it's a very high common cue. It's. good as an interviewer because it. balances out your nods right it's a. great natural balance and you can do it.

when you're speaking to show that you're. deeply listening to someone. You also. can watch for it to see oh this is a. point that they're really trying to. understand. I was giving a presentation. to like a seauite group of people and I. noticed that the CEO kind of lower lid. flexed when I was talking about. oxytocin. Oxytocin is the chemical of. connection very simplified. Um that like. when we hug or touch we produce oxytocin. and that makes us feel the warm and. fuzzies. We also get it with eye. contact. We also get it with mutual. laughter and it makes us feel this.

person gets me. We love it. So I was. talking about in the presentation and he. and I could see him and I said does that. does that make sense? And he goes, "But. doesn't it put you in labor?" Because he. remembered that his wife had gotten. ptocin, a form of oxytocin, to go into. labor. And I was like, "Yes.". Afterwards, he said to me, you know, I. immediately felt heard, like I felt like. that didn't like catch me up because you. addressed it. And I got so much work. with that company after that because he. just felt like I got them. So you can. notice it of like, are we good here? But.

also, I became a better teacher cuz I. realized that it was confusing if I. didn't say it does a lot of things in. our body. complicated. I just want to. make sure cuz I don't know I'm doing it. Like I I notice it from watching the. podcast and I'm like why am I doing. that? I am not. You're deeply listening. Right. So, but does that scare someone. like No, it just it I know that you were. paying attention. I know that you were. deeply paying attention. Now, context is. important here. Like if I were to be. like your girlfriend and we're sitting.

together and I'm like I'm going to teach. my kid how to go skydiving. You'd be. like, um, right? Then I would know that. you're feeling like a little skeptical. So you can actually use it as a nice way. to be like really right. I want to know this cuz I'm nosy. So you. studied Da Vinci's last supper painting. I know this is so random, but this is so. fascinating to me and I want to hear. what you discovered and broke down. Okay, we should break it down. So. excited about that. Yes. Yes. Like. hopefully they can show it. So I saw.

this painting when I was young, of. course, and I was like, "Oh, it's so. beautiful. We love it. We're captivated. by this painting. Like I'm always. obsessed with historical pop culture. things that we're all captivated by. Why. are we captivated by this painting? It. is the perfect balance of warmth and. competence. And in the painting, the. central figure Christ is showing the. perfect balance of warmth and. competence. Let's break it down like. this. What is he doing? He So he. actually is going like this. He has one. hand up and one hand down. One palm. show. So a palm up is a warmth cue,

right? We talked about this earlier. When I when you can see my palm, you. know I'm not hiding anything. A palm. down cue. We know famous people who have. done that. I'm not going to do it. But. can you imagine historical figures who. maybe have done that? Yeah. That's a. authoritative cue. So like for example, if I were to say sit down, right? Like. that does not feel good. Right. We don't. like it. Or when when you're giving a. command and you say, you know, like. everyone pay attention. Yes. It's very. commanding. So this is a perfect balance. literally in his gestures of warmth and. competence. Then what is he doing? He.

has a head tilt. Headtilt is a universal. warmth gesture. Why? When I say, "Do you. hear that?" We expose our ear. So, it. literally makes him look more empathetic. like he's listening. But also, if you. measure every single body in the. picture, he is taking up the most space. in a picture. Wow. So, the head tilt is. balanced with a competence gesture, right? The more space we take up, it. looks like he could be wearing a cape, right? His shoulders are down. He has. the most space. Like every other photo, every other image, every other person is. like with their head, their distance is. the smallest. So here Da Vinci was.

subtly queuing us to yes he's powerful. but look he's listening. Look he has. palms visible but also he's very. commanding and authoritative. You also. will notice that um Judas takes up the. least amount of space and also has the. most negative facial expression. And. then notice the fists. The people who. are the apostles that are making fists. are also the ones that were known for. withholding. Wow. So even that's. amazing. In the painting, we see these. subtle cues, which is why I think one,

we were captivated by the painting, but. second, why Da Vinci was so created so. many amazing works is he somehow subtly. knew these things. I'm trying to look at. their feet. Their feet. Yes. Yes. Christ's feet are pointed towards us, which what do we like the most? We then. we feel like the most important person. in the room. I'm a geek when it comes to. historical things. I really am. So. whenever I'm hearing like I'm watching a. documentary about let's I don't know the. pyramids or Egyptian etchings or it's so.

fascinating like this Da Vinci painting. How on earth is he so aware of all of. these things that you have studied for. decades and with with the help of many. researchers, right? Thousands and. thousands of our technology and. information and it's wild. Oh girl, you. text me when you see one in history. because there are so many interesting. ones. I love dissecting like old. speeches and like hidden cues in. speeches, hidden cues in paintings. There are so many. But I think this is. true because there's an universality to. it. That painting is old, but somehow we.

were captivated by it. I even think like. Mona Lisa, right? Like why are we so. captivated by Mona Lisa? Is because. she's showing a little smirk which makes. us her look better than us. And we're. like why does she feel better than us? That is mysterious to us. It's crazy. And so I think there's like a hidden. language happening behind all of our. interactions. And if we know how to read. it, we all become more purposeful and. that benefits all of us. Before we wrap. up, is there anything else you want to. leave us with? I felt like you've left. us with so many gems and jewels. And I I.

would say like let's go on a 30-day. adventure together, right? Like you can. change a lot in 30 days. So 30 days we. are going to stick with the heck yes. people. We're going to purge those. ambivalent relationships. We're going to. stop asking what do you do and we're. going to start asking the good questions. to get to level two. Work on anything. exciting. What are your goals? What are. you learning? And the last one is find. your flavor of charisma. What's your. who, what, and where? Like let's spend. 30 days like all I'm ready for. The. 30-day challenge with Coco and Vanessa.

Thank you. Bye. Bye. Bye.