Body Image, Binge Eating & Breaking Free from the Shame ft. Remi Bader | Khloé In Wonder Land Ep. 11

Hi. Hello. I love your notes. You better it. up. This is the SATs of podcasts. apparently. Now I'm scared. I'm like, what are we. doing? I do feel like all of this and. why I wanted to talk about it will. actually be just a relief on me. I feel. like it's kind of been all of this has. been like eating me alive inside a.

little bit. When you say something as a. content creator, someone with a. following, people listen to you and it's. a lot of responsibility. It's a lot of. responsibility and I'm sharing my. journey, but I'm not here to tell anyone. what to do. You should see the messages. I get on the daily. I feel like people. just want like an answer from me and. that's not what I'm giving. I just want. it to be on my terms and because I want. to, not because anyone's making me. [Music].

So, Remy, I know that you haven't you. don't do a lot of like podcasts. I used. to, right? I used to. I I've been on. social media for like fourish years now. Before that, I wasn't. And I feel like I. like loved I liked to talk. I like to. talk. So, I would do a lot of podcasts. and things and I feel like I kind of set. a boundary for myself in I guess it was.

like September of. 2023 where I was like just getting too. much [ __ ] online from people and. negative and mostly related to like my. body and how I looked that I was like. why why am I giving all this to people. and like giving everyone all of me when. like they're not respecting me and I was. just like I'm just letting you guys know. like I'm done sharing anything about. personal and my health and me and you. actually reposted that video.

and you got some for that. Do you. remember that? I do but I don't care. about that stuff. I know you don't care, but I just it's like I think it goes to. show like how the whole point of the. internet like it's like you got stuff. for that for people saying like for me. supporting you and being I remember how. proud I was and am of you um for being. vulnerable but more importantly for. setting a boundary for whatever the. boundary is. I think in this industry.

it's people with social media people. feel like they have the right to say. anything they want about you and yes. they I guess they technically do have. that right but you have the same right. to limit yourself to what type of. exposure you want to put out there and. the fact that you were doing that and. not feeling like you had to continuously. feed the beast that is so respectable. and I was so proud of you for that cuz. that's a hard thing to do especially. when you're like you you said you were. only on you started in 2020. Yeah. And.

I've always been an open book. So, it. was like that never changed once I got. online. It wasn't a thought like, "Oh, I'm going to start not sharing this.". Like, that's why people started wanting. to follow me cuz they were like, "Oh, wow. She's sharing like everything." And. that's a scary thing when you then. changed that, right? So, you and I I. don't know the year you and I met. I. don't know the year. Maybe 2021 or two. Yes. And Yeah. We met at a Good American. event. Yes. Um, and I've just love you. You are a lightning rod and I connect.

with you and I feel like so much of the. things that you go through I've been. through. I could relate with you on. And. you and I, we chat back and forth. And. something that I always just feel so. terrible for you about is the like just. the noise that's. constantly ringing on your side. And I. hate that for you. But what I've loved. from afar is I see such growth in you. and I see the stance you've taken and I.

feel like now be especially being with. you right now cuz I'm not with you in. person a lot. It's like a don't [ __ ]. with me type of energy. But I love that. And maybe that's also like I know when I. went into my 40s I was intentional like. I'm not taking a lot of this toxic [ __ ]. with me cuz a lot of got me down in my. 30s. And that's also what I was saying. too. It doesn't matter how old you are, what you've gone through. Sometimes you. can be even older and something just. hits you the wrong way and it like.

knocks you off your balance. And for. you, I sort of feel like the same. thing's happening for you. You've. entered this new decade, this new era. And it's like, okay, this is the new. version of me. You're going to take it. or leave it. Yeah. Do you feel like. that? I do. I do. I feel like it's taken. me a while to get here. Mh. And I also. think that the people that follow me or. see me online think that it's just. because of the way I look or have. changed my appearance that now I'm. giving this energy. And it's I think the. point is that it's so much more than.

that, right? Like it's not just that. Like yes, I do look different than when. I started on social media and that and. how I looked last year. And I think it's. I do understand why people feel it needs. or should be addressed. I don't think I. owe anyone anything. No. But I do think. it's it's part of me wanting to still. want to share my journey while still. keeping those boundaries on me. And I. feel like that's why it's like I'm not. just going to give people an answer like. yes, I did this or this cuz it exactly. what you're saying. Like I do feel like.

happy and I do feel like I'm giving I. feel a different energy within me, but. it's not just because of the way I look. Like there's so much more that happened. and there's so much more like in the. past year that got me to this point, right? I totally get that. when I I mean. I remember when we started being on TV. when I was like 21 or 22 and I remember. the questions people would ask and it. was a different time then too. They. would ask such intrusive questions and. yes at the time I would answer them cuz. I'm 22 and I'm like oh and I would.

answer things and now when I see old. clips of myself I'm like the audacity. that even that adult thinks I would like. that I should answer that. It could be a. sexual thing and I'm like doesn't even. mean I'm doing that thing. I just don't. think that's for you to even have out. there if I am or if I'm not. And I. remember now looking back I'm like but. it's okay the older you get or the more. wisdom you get that you do set those. boundaries for yourself. So I totally.

relate to that. And I think that that. people love to say like you change. I'm. sure you've gotten that over time too. And I I my I think it's like I I was. fighting that for so long. Like no I. haven't. Like I'm the same Remy. And I'm. like but I also like aren't you supposed. to over time like change and evolve at. the same time? Like I'm like why is that. an insult? Now I'm trying to accept. that. I'm like, "Yeah, like there's. parts of me that have changed." Well, that's like me getting mad at my. six-year-old child if she's like, "I do. not eat chicken fingers today." And then. in a year, she's like, "I only eat.

chickens." Like, we're supposed to. evolve, adapt, and guess what? Our taste. buds change for food, for life, for just. what we want to do. So, I find whenever. people say you've changed as if that's a. negative thing. Just say thank you. Yeah. I want to say I hope so. I want to. change. Like, hello. So, I know you've. been really private about your health. journey, but um in Nylon magazine, you. did say that you don't owe anybody an. explanation, which I believe you really. don't, but I know that you do struggle.

with yourself with because you have. always been such an open book. You do. struggle with giving your fans the. explanation, but also having some. boundaries and privacy for yourself. Is. that still how you're feeling? Yes, I. still feel like I I it's hard for me to. have these boundaries, but I'm sticking. to them as best as I can. I knew that me. losing a very significant amount of. weight was going to end up being. something I should probably talk about,

but not something in the way that like. it's been received online of like I need. to. I owe it to people. I've let down. women in society. Like all these things. I mean, you should see the messages I. get on the daily. And it's like that. actually makes me want to tell my story. and my journey less. That pisses me off. Yeah. The people and the reason that I. do then feel like guilty and like I do. want to talk about it is for the people. that like I guess I used to be that.

message me and are like so desperate for. like I just you seem happier. Like I. would love to figure out a way to be. happy too. and they're basing that just. on my body. And there's obviously more. to that, but like I used to actually. message people. I don't remember who or. when, but before I had a following of. like when I would see people lose weight. or be going or just going through any. sort of life journey and look happier. and I would be like, I need help. Like I. remember being that. So, those are the. people that then I'm just like I love to.

help people by just I'm not saying I'm I. have all the answers cuz I literally. don't. But by just sharing my story and. that's what I miss and feel like I lost. that connection a little bit with my. followers, but I needed to do it for me. Like I needed to give myself the whole. past year to heal and like figure out. what even just happened, right? Because. there's just like I feel like people. just want like an answer from me and. that's not what I'm giving. But see that. I find to be very responsible. Like I.

think if anyone were to give an answer. or justification or explanation of any. sort when you're still processing and. going through something yourself and. still having this body. transformation. I don't even know if. that's really responsible because you're. going through it yourself. And if you're. going through it, you don't really know. the ups, the downs. And it would be. okay. But sometimes people don't want to. talk about it while they're going. through it.

Let me discuss it when I can. And I. think that's the mature thing to do. I. agree. And I think that I always did it. a different way, which I don't regret. those things. Like even just like going. through a breakup online and bringing my. followers through that, like I needed. that cuz I actually needed their support. and never went through something like. that. like the accountability like so you. don't go back that's for sure that nope. I'm not going to go back to that person. um but this situation I stuck to what I.

actually feel I like I don't regret that. and I don't feel like I owed anyone. anything I think it's more just at this. point I can't like live my life and post. because I am someone that just posts on. social like I started by posting on. social media I do do other things but. like if I post any video it's just about. at this point like well what are you. going to tell us how you lost the weight. and are you going to tell us give us. answers you're lying you're not sharing. anything and like it's kind of at this. point eating me alive and it's not and I. had to really think about it I just. wanted to be on my terms when I was.

ready and because I want to not cuz. anyone's making me well what if anything. do you want to share about your health. journey? I do want to say that. before saying all of this, I'm not a. doctor and I'm sharing my journey, but. I'm not here to tell anyone what to do. When I posted that video in 2023, I feel. like that's when things started kind of. going downhill with my health. September. 2023, where I told people I wasn't going.

to share anymore about it. Um, that's. when I started feeling it myself. It. wasn't just like other people around me. I've always had, you know, noise and. things from my parents telling me to. lose weight just like growing up with. that and, you know, especially as I. gained more weight, which was. frustrating. I definitely felt that from. like my boyfriend at the time, but that. was more of what I was I wasn't sure and. I felt that from like friends and. family. Like it was like this unsaid. thing. I think from the start in 2020, I. gained probably like 80 to 100 pounds to.

2023. So that you know I'm not looking at it. in that way but everyone else online. would let me know about how much weight. I gained which was such a like mind can. I say yeah you'd say anything like a. mind um and really confused me. So it. was everyone else letting me know that. but at that same time I was actually. like I remember like my back went out I. was in bed for like a month. Wow. Like I. was like if I even like turned a little. I would like scream in pain. I would.

here and there when I could go to, I. don't know, fashion events or I had. friends weddings and things and I would. literally bring Dr. Scholes shoes. because I could not stand in my heels. and I was wearing like gowns with these. shoes because I was in so much pain. My. knees were going out. I would get glam. done and it would be off my face in 20. minutes cuz I was like dripping sweat in. my apartment off my face. Um I think. there became more there was like those. things but then there became more. serious things where it actually started.

like clicking a little for me. I was in. pain so that was one but then like I had. a you know my a constant period and my. doctor was telling me I was becoming in. infertile. and at 28 and that's scary. Yeah. And I. um I was, you know, a lot of things like. I was tracking my I I was always going. to a doctor. So I was like tracking and. seeing kind of how things were going. downhill in terms of my heart, my. cholesterol. I mean, they were telling. me I was morbidly obese and um there was.

a there was a number of things. I think. the infertile thing definitely hit me, right? And the literally the pain that I. was in and like limping and like. couldn't walk normally, things like. that. And then I I remember actually. that day again I keep going back to that. video that I posted that you reposted, but that day was when I made this. decision because I was like, "Okay, do. you regret posting that video?" No. Okay, good. I don't regret posting that. video. I wish that people remembered it, but people, you know, like I I thought. that that was going to be like my savior.

of like, well, I already said that. I'm. not going to share it anymore. Got it. But like, no, people like will they. don't pay attention to that. And. normally not like the good. They're just. holding on to whatever this whatever. they want to be angry about. They're. just like, "Well, you aren't being the. same you." And I'm like, "But I told you. a long time ago I was done. I want to. pin this." No, I've reposted it five. times. Like, it's like I'm like, "No. one's going to listen. I'm like, whatever." So, that day I was like, "If. none of these people existed in my life. that feel this way or all of these.

outside people, what would I do now?". And I already feel like I tried. everything. I feel like it's important. to say what I tried because I also like. really dealt with binge eating for. years. Um I would say like 2019 on I. always did like diets and restricted and. then diet gained weight, lost weight, like the typical growing up like did. that the diets with my mom for fun like. you know that ended up traumatizing me. later on. Um but it was a different. time. Everyone I know that sounds crazy.

No, it's not. It was a things were. acceptable in the '9s, early 2000s that. I mean would not fly. I have a. conversation with my mom all the time. like I'm like I want to not hold this. against you. I love you. Like it's not. our It's really not our If you like put. in context the timing, it's they're they. were just doing the best that they knew. how. Yes. So I tried a number of things. I went to a very like serious six week. intensive binge eating program. I went. to right before that I went to like.

overeaters anonymous meetings which I'm. not sure if people even know it's. literally like a you sit in a circle. like hi I'm Remy and I tried everything. like I was desperate you know I did that. program and after that program which I. think was the summer of 2022 it would be. like the ultimate no to do something. that had to do with weight loss after. that but that's when the Ozmpic stuff. was coming out and like people started. using it. I think I said this before. I'm not sure if I ever did, but I tried. Ozmpic before it was even a thing in.

2020 when it just came out. Okay. During. COVID and like my doctor was just like, "Oh, you're pre-diabetic. You should try. this." I went on it, I lost probably. like 10 pounds, but I was really sick. and threw up a lot from it. Like it just. didn't work for me, right? Um, and then. after the eating disorder program, I I. was like, so I gained a lot of weight. from that program just based on like. what they tell you to do and like you're. eating a lot. it it whatever your. program is. I gained a lot more weight. So, I was even in more pain and more. uncomfortable. And I was like, I can't I.

don't care anymore. I'm gonna try Ompic. again. Right. So, I tried it again. I. was getting sick every day. Lost a. little bit of weight, not a lot. I don't. feel like it worked very well for me. Switched to Monaro, tried that same kind. of thing. And at that point, it was like. probably like 6 months. And I was just. like, I can't I I'm not going to just. keep being this miserable every day. That I went off of that and then gained. even more weight. Like that's what that. summer it just caught up to me. Like I.

just became I I do believe for me and I. have to say that because I've said in. the past and it's turned into something. else like Ozic and those I I think if it. works for someone amazing, great for. you. For me it didn't and it was such a. band-aid for me that when I went off it. I got like ravenous starving. I didn't. do maybe enough therapy or things I. needed to do to change my behaviors. during that time and I got a lot bigger. All right, let's be real. Have you ever. had a dentist try and have a fullon. conversation with you while your mouth.

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unsolicited Botox recommendations. [Music]. So then I was on I I I was like okay if. I've tried everything right every single. thing in the book what haven't I tried. and I did come across on Tik Tok like. beriatric Tik Tok um surgery like weight. loss surgery and I was like oh I could. never while I have like this following. and I'm living this life like maybe in. like 10 years if I'm or a few years or. whenever I'm less relevant I'll do it. and I just think that day I was like let.

me inquire like I I don't care right Um. literally that next because that that. next morning I called my back surgeon. who connected me with a surgeon that. does beriatric surgery and all. And what. is beriatric surgery? Yes. So beriatric. surgery is like a term of it's weight. loss surgery but there's different. types. Okay. And what I would see what I. feel like is most common and what I. would see on TikTok, the only one I. would see mostly was the sleeve, the. gastric sleeve, right? Um which is the. only thing I was looking at cuz I was.

just seeing oh the recovery is easy. it's not that big a deal and uh maybe. I'll do that. When I called my surgeon, I thought it was interesting because. well who became my surgeon. He said I. explained the binge eating. I explained. everything I was going through and he's. like you can't do the sleeve. And I'm. like why? That's the only thing I would. do. I guess I'm not doing this then. And. he was like basically the sleeve is. where they cut out 80% of your stomach. It's like a pretty quick surgery. compared to some of the other ones. And. if you are a binge eater, an emotional. eater, if you eat a lot and you continue. that behavior, um even though it's.

harder because your stomach's smaller, it's a real thing. It's not a myth that. you could stretch your stomach back. So, I have a few people that did the sleeve. and that's what happened to them, right? So, they're like not even a lot of. people go back and have to get a. revision surgery or something else or go. on Ozmpic or any of those things after. because it didn't work for them. And he. was like, "This isn't going to work for. you." And I was like, "Why would I do. something that he's telling me isn't. going to work?" Mhm. So I was like, what's the alternative? There's also the. bypass. So again, this is all under. beriatric surgery. What he told me is.

that there was a brand a new surgery, a. newer surgery, which is what I did. And. what everyone online, of course, at this. point, everyone's like, "Okay, well, she. did one of the shots or she did the. sleeve or something like no one guessed. this because it's not a known thing.". Um, so it's called SATI. um which is a. very long name but it's like the acronym. is CI which I would say is a mix of both. of those surgeries. They cut out 80% of. the stomach. They move around the. intestines. I also was you know got with.

with my health issues got ended up. having a fatty liver. So um they. actually had to like hold up the liver. during that too cuz it could be. dangerous. And why even talking about. this would I think that the recovery. would be so simple is insane. But I was. told that. How was the recovery? I. brutal the the worst thing of my life. Like I I did the surgery. He did tell me. and and it's mo I can't blame him. because it's what most pe I had a rarer. situation. I just reacted differently.

That's the point. Like this is my. journey. Everyone reacts differently to. everything, right? Um and I did I did. the surgery. He said I would be out of. the hospital in a day and that in 5 days. I could travel and like go back to my. work schedule. I couldn't leave the. hospital. I couldn't swallow water. I. was like projectile vomiting. Like I was. just like it I they don't let you leave. if you don't can't drink water. I was so. sick. I was in recovery for hours after. like in the recovery room. But then that.

went on for 6 weeks. Stop. No. Like it. was hell. Like literally. And again he. said this wasn't normal. So that was. actually making me feel worse at the. same time. I'm like something's wrong. I. should have never done this. Like I. literally ruined my body like ruined. everything. Um I was home. I sorted like. I I mean I went home and was with my. parents like ended up going I tried. being home in my apartment when I was. with my boyfriend at the time so he was. you know trying to be as supportive as. he could be. Um but I ended up going and.

living with my parents because they were. concerned and like I I was non-stop. throwing up. I could not eat. And this. went on so long that I got in like a. very scary like deep depression. Um I. did not want to live anymore. Like I. would literally just like stare at the. wall all day and be sick. Like it was. just horrifying. And I think at that. time I Yeah, I had a lot of regret. I. was like, "Oh my god, I've been this. person for this. I've been this person. that people like looked up to online for.

this whole time of like I won't say body. positive because that wasn't me and but. I always said if I was uncomfortable in. my body or struggling I was very open. that I was struggling but I was this. person that was like but be confident in. whatever you look like and I still do. believe that and I believe that anyone. can if you are in a bigger body you. could be happy you could be healthy no. one could tell you're unhealthy unless. you only know your health and I have so. many friends that are I actually was so. jealous of those people and like wanted.

to get there and I couldn't because my. journey was different and I was in pain. and I was struggling with health with. health and this is what I felt I needed. to do. I think that's first of all it's. very brave that you're sharing that and. I think what I can sense from you and. what I know from our conversations is. you are so much happier now but I know. that's also a slew of other things that. you've worked on. It's not just the. physical part. There was a lot internal. and still every day I'm working on.

myself and there's days I give myself. pep talks. I'm like, "Nope, it's going. to be a good day." Like it's, you know, it's all about the mindset. Do you feel. like now, cuz it's been over a year? Over a year. Yeah. Do you feel like now. you're in a good place? Not just. bodywise, but Yeah. Sure. Aesthetically, like are you like, "Damn, I love. myself." And but internally, are you. like, damn, I love myself. I think I'm. getting there. Okay. I think that do and.

I I've been like so nervous to say this. of how to say it the right way, but I'm. going to be completely honest. Like I. think I'm I still have struggles. I. think we're all going to have struggles. in whatever body or whatever point we're. in in our li in our life. Have those. things since the surgery in terms of the. health issues that I explained, which is. why I did it. I did it for my health. Um, have those things improved and. gotten better? My blood work is 100%. normal. It hasn't been in probably five. years. I That's great. I will always I.

have genetically a bad back. Knock on. wood, I have not been in bed with a bad. back since. My knees don't hurt anymore. I don't sweat the way I used to. I fully. got my periods back to normal. Um, like. so many things are I have more energy. than ever. But the things that you can't. see, and that's what I think, right, people on social media sort of forget. Like, yes, you might see this happy. golucky girl while I'm filming this.

content, but internally, for a lack of a. better term, you're sort of killing. yourself because you're not prioritizing. your health. So, your internal health, I. was like deteriorating in every way. And. it wasn't just physical health. It was. my mental health, my physical health, my. emotional. I was like completely lost. myself. I would look I would not look at. myself in the mirror like. over like maybe just the glam I got in. just my face. I would not connect my. face with my body. Like I completely. just disconnected myself. So yes, since.

then I've fully been working on like. trying to reconnect myself. Like I look. very different. I also could not control. the amount of weight that I lost. I did. not want to. I'll be completely honest. I'm probably the only person that's ever. gone into a weight loss surgery and been. like, "How do I make sure I don't lose. too much and I stay curvy?" Like he was. like, "No." Like after the fact. And I. was like, I literally like have called. him and been like, "What can I do to. stop the weight loss?" Like I didn't. want to get to this point. I wanted to. still be able to be healthy but curvy. I. loved my curves. I always have. Um I.

feel like the negatives, I guess, or a. little bit of like I've definitely lost. a little bit of my identity and myself, but then I think when did I even have. that? because I wasn't big enough at a. point to be plus-siz when I became. online. Then when I became plus-siz, I. was too big to do stuff. Like I became. too big to even do stuff with these. fashion brands and designers cuz then I. was too big. Like I People were giving. me all these names and titles of what I. was, what I wasn't. You're not body. positive. This this now I'm too skinny. I'm like I just don't I'm just It's. exhausting. It's ex It's exhausting.

It's exhausting to like which avenue are. it's it's exhausting. And I think the. point is we have to stop labeling people. and either just enjoy them through your. phones or don't, right? Like it's like. to me it's that simple. I have friends. that have done the sleeve which I said. and when they lost a like when they got. to the most weight they can lose, they. didn't recognize themselves because they. have identified so much as a bigger.

person before. That's the point of what. you said before. How the hell was I. supposed to share my thoughts that I'm. still figuring out with everyone else? Because then when you say something as. an influencer, a content creator, someone with a following, people look at. it as like they're going to listen to. you. I know that's a lot of. responsibility. It's a lot of. responsibility. And I don't want to be a. person that's a weight loss surgery. advocate cuz like what if it does what. if they have this bad recovery? Like I I. want to be so open that I had a horrible.

recovery, but that I do feel better now. I want to share both sides to it. I. think that's important. I'm still. processing all of it. Um, it took me a. while. I I mean, I lost over a hundred I. I probably over 140 lbs in less than a. year. Wow. I don't even know. I didn't. even realize. Right. So, I always say to. people because my journey I always say. there's not a one-sizefits-all because. I've tried everything under the sun. Um,

I used to binge eat. It was horrible. And I get that guilt. You binge eat. It. feels so good in the moment. And then as. soon as you're done, you're crying and. the shame and the guilt. And then the. next day, for some reason, you sort of. do it again. I used to have that same. situation. I didn't go to the Overeaters. Anonymous and stuff like that. I don't. really know what. I did therapy, but. it's a horrible feeling. I've gotten. control through my workouts. Like that's.

how I work. But everyone's different and. there's no once and I also don't want to. be like all you have to do is work out. It's not that easy. It's taken me I've. been working out for like 10 years but. it's baby steps. I had to like it took. me a very long time to get to where I. am. And people forget that and all of. the work that it takes from within. though because your brain is a muscle. You have to retrain that to even love. yourself to look at yourself. And I tell. one of my girlfriends and I, she works. with me. We were both bigger and now.

that we're smaller, we're both like, but. we're athletic smaller. We'll always. joke and be like, I was so much more. confident when I was fat and chubby and. like now in a bathing suit, I'm like, "Oh, do you see this?" And like it's. you'll always have some sort of you'll. always feel a certain way about. yourself. I think that's normal and. everyone does. It's crazy that we're so. mean to ourselves. But I think so much. of it is society constantly nitpicking. you and whether it's like you said when. you're thinner, how dare you get so.

thin, but when you're bigger they call. you all these names, they shame you and. it's like that's when you sort of just. have to throw your hands up in the air. and be like that's what I did. Do you. feel like you owed it to people to tell. them that you lost weight when you were. going through that journey? It's weird. There was definitely there wasn't Tik. Tok or anything like that. Um, and I. feel like Tik Tok and Twitter was it was. like new Twitter and newer Instagram.

So, people didn't have the balls that. they do now, I would say. Like now it's. a different level of people feeling like. they have their right to attack people. But people definitely would make their. assumptions and I mean I would work out. and but they always were like you're not. the same person anymore. You're not. funny. We liked the fat Chloe always. saying it's like well that's not nice. either. Like it's it's but always as if. I let so many people down and that's why.

I relate to what you're saying so much. But you just have to worry about not. letting yourself down and if you feel. like you're doing the right thing and I. think sharing your journey at the right. time is the responsible thing and if you. want to share it like also all you. people because I will say that when I. did share how I lost the weight people. were like that's not true. tell us how. you really did it. And. I don't know what you want me to do. Like people tell this day or like you.

only film that you're in the gym for the. 5 minutes I'm filming and then you. leave. I'm like what? Like I also have. muscles. Like you can't get muscles by. not. earning them. Like but yes I could be. you know really thin and I don't care. what people are though. I don't care if. you're thin, athletic, bigger. Doesn't. matter to me. But I'm not the one. judging people and telling them, "How. did you do it?" And then when they. answer me, I say, "Oh, you're lying." So.

when I was asked and told my story, it. was never good enough. And I'm only. saying that to maybe I don't want to say. warn you, but just prepare you that no. matter what, even though you're. admitting, I did a weight loss surgery. It wasn't ideal, but I feel great now. They're going to be like, you still let. us down. You let Or is that all you did? What else did you do? Like I tell everyone, I got my nose done. and people are like and I go I would. tell you if someone wants to I want to. know what other people do so they'll go.

to their doctor. Like I was thinking. fair I was thinking this before about. you and how in when I was younger in. middle school and high school like you. were who I would I I never followed like. influencers or like I but I I always. followed you and saw like appreciated. you. But for me, I'm I was like thinking. back, I'm like, it's definitely because. a piece of it, not all of it. I felt. like I related to you and your. personality and who you were and being. funny and like, but you were curvier and.

I was and I grew up that way. So, I was. like, "Oh, wow. I have someone to relate. to." The difference is that I feel is I. never once you lost the weight or once. you changed your appearance or anything. It never made me angry. It never made me. be like how dare she and I don't like. her anymore. I never felt that. I was. trying to really think before did I feel. that way ever. No, I think you feel a. little bit of like damn I wish I could.

maybe do that or maybe I could get to. that point or something which is fine. and that's why I said those messages I. understand. Um, but everyone has their. own journey. How are you going to be so. harsh on someone for that? And like, why. would I look at you as a completely. different person just because you. changed your body? I've never felt that. way. And for me, I feel the same. Like, it should if you care to, and everyone's. on their own journey. If you care to be. on that weight loss health journey, then. great. Maybe it will inspire and. motivate someone. But if some people.

just aren't there yet mentally, then. they will use that as, you know, it it's. going to be weaponized against you as. opposed to encouraging someone and. motivating them. So, it's really just. where that person's at cuz that's why. people talk just because either they. can't either they don't want to get it. together or they don't care to figure. that part out for them. And that's okay, too. It's even just from a health. aspect. So many people are afraid to. check out what's going on internally and.

they think it's just an aesthetic thing. and a lot of people won't go to doctors. They won't go to dent. It could be as. surface as going to the eye doctor. People are afraid of that information. That makes me think I was also very. defensive when I was bigger and I would. say happier than I was when I you know. started getting in pain and got to a. certain point. Like there was a point. that I was like happy sometimes. I. definitely was struggling a little, but. I would get defensive because I wasn't.

ready or I wasn't there. And I actually. was like, "No, you could be bigger and. be happy." And I still believe that. I. just think when you feel a certain point. and if you have to do something for you, like, why can't you do that? And I also. have so many girlfriends that are bigger. and they're totally healthy. Yes. And. they work out, but they're just a bigger. shaped person and they're beautiful and. all these things. So, I'm not I don't. think anything has to do with the. aesthetic on the outside. I am an. advocate for the internal of it all.

Like, I believe in doctors and getting. tested and seeing your blood levels. And. if that's all good and you're bigger and. you love your life, live on, right? And. I think if I did because I like people. don't want to believe it, but like I. really love always loved my curves. I. think that's why I feel a little bit of. like a loss of identity cuz I'm like, "Oh my god, where's my ass?" Like I. always loved my ass. It's gone. So, like. I I I I missed that. And if I could have. gotten to that point, I tried. I tried. for years. I wanted to. It just got to.

another another level for me. I think. what infuriates me the most is my son. Tatum. I had him through surrogate. Yeah. And people always say, "Oh, cuz. you didn't want to mess up your body.". And I'm like, "No, it's so not that v. vain of a reason. I literally was not. able to carry him and I would have loved. to, but I wasn't able to. And my doctor. even I remember I had the appointment on. my show. This goes back to the video you. posted. She said on camera, she's a.

medical practitioner. You think she's. going to like lie for a TV show? No. Um, and she even said how high risk I would. be. She doesn't advise me carrying my. own child. People ignore that. Do people. care to remember that? No. So, I still. hear that narrative. So again, keep. reposting your video if you want, but. people will only retain what they care. to retain that fits their narrative in. their head. It's not about you anymore. And so you just have to keep living your. truth and just know that you're doing.

the right thing and you're working on. your happiness every day cuz we all are. You're not the only one. So don't feel. like, "God, I've done all this and I'm. still not fully happy every day." That's. really normal, especially with how much. you expose yourself to. Yeah. Because I. think it'd be really easy to live in a. bubble and ignore everything and be. like, "Okay, I'm happy because I'm only. surrounded by this insulated group." But. you're choosing to do something that's. very vulnerable and you're putting. yourself out there. And I think that. it's not talked about as much or people.

don't know too that there also is like. insane life changes you have to make if. you choose to do a surgery. So I I I. used to see people say like there's a. lot of work into it. I'm like what? Like. no there is like I those are I'm. struggling every day with just. acclimating to my new life. Like there's. like rules that you have to follow or. you could get very sick. So I you know. you have to I have to eat over like 120. grams of protein a day. Do I do that. every day? Absolutely not. That's um.

work. And I try to do that for muscle. building. And I'm like how the heck. people do this? Um, you're supposed to. drink like so much water every day. I I. don't hit what I'm supposed to. I have. to take about 20 vitamins a day for the. rest of my life because your body is not. absorbing from food and things the same. amount of nutrients. But there is a lot. of everyday issues that I'm dealing. with. But I did try and think, are those. issues? Are those struggles like worth.

it compared to what I was dealing with. before, the binging and all of that? I. do feel like right now they are. I feel. like I am happier overall and I can. learn to acclimate to those changes even. though they're still difficult. The. reason I've been so careful and nervous. to talk about this is it is a newer. surgery and I don't know next year. what's what's going to happen in 3 years. and 5 years. So I think that's why but I.

think that's why you're smart by saying. this is my experience. I want to be. honest with what I did but you're not. saying for everyone to go out and do. that. You're expressing what your. experience is highs and lows. Yeah. Um, I have a question which do you. notice something I thought was really I. forget her name. The housewife girl in. Salt Lake City, Heather. Heather Heather. Gay, I think her name is. She's been. really vocal about using Ozic. She sort.

of had the similar experience. People. were like, "Oh, you're you're a. sellout." Blah, blah, blah. I'm. paraphrasing, but basically she said, "But how people treat me now, it's so. different." Like in a good way. like. there there is that group like so and. that's also the up thing about society. people want to say oh we want you bigger. we want you bigger but then when like. how I was treated in the fashion world. before how I was treated when I did. photo shoots with my sisters I was the. backup dancer basically and no one that.

like I was all the way in the back I. would have racks of clothes maybe I'm. not exaggerating six to eight pieces cuz. they didn't have my size and I wasn't. that big of a girl, but my sisters would. have racks and racks like they everyone. we were treated so differently and it. was so obvious like no one was sugar. coating it back then and when she said. that publicly I was like oh my gosh I. get it like I feel the same way and now. even when I'm invited to things or. people would not even look me in my eye.

they would meet my sisters and be like. hi and I would be I'm like I and I had I. had a lot of sass then so I'd be look me. in my eye if you're going to shake my. hand. Like, I would not let them slide. But the difference in how I was treated. versus now, I think that's also why I. get so turned off from a lot of these. events and I'm like, I'm not going on. your red carpet. You guys, you didn't. invite me before. You were such a to me. before or I remember what you said about. me. Like people don't words hurt and.

they leave scars. I'm like, I remember. all that. Yeah. But my long comment of. that is do do you feel the similar way? It's wild. It's wild. And it I have used. this and my this my learning all this is. like a sociology experiment. I'm like. people are so interesting. Like not just. the people saying the negative things. It's the people saying the positive. things. It's the way that like they're. like you look so happy. And I'm like cuz. I lost weight. Like what does that mean?

And I'm I'm just like very interested in. what everyone's thoughts are. And yeah, I've never I mean, even for years not. getting attention for a while from men. Yeah. And now getting lots of it. Um I. with the fashion brands, I mean, all I. did was make and is I care about fashion. inclusivity no matter what size I am. And I still will when I'm working on. lines, I just came out with a line that. goes up to a 6X. I'm not going to change. my stance just because of how my body.

looks. And even with that, the amount of. brands that or or designers that invite. me now, but that didn't invite me. before, I'm like you. I remember. everything. So, I'm like, I'm good. Thank you, though. It's no beef, but I. remember, right? I I'll never I'll never. forget. And I do I do think it's really. really interesting the way people treat. people based on how they look. It's. up. I think sometimes I would be like, "But why do you like me now?" just cuz I.

look better. Cuz I'm still the same me. And if you would have cared to talk to. me before, you would have noticed that. about me. But I I get we eat with our. eyes. We I get it. So I do. But it at. the beginning it definitely bothered me. that these men were only talking to me. cuz I knew I looked better. aesthetically. Yeah. I think I learned a. lot in this past year just that. unfortunately that is I going along with. like society like I think that is the. way it is and a lot of people base.

things off of appearance. I don't ever. want to be end up or be with someone. that doesn't know me for me and is going. to change their opinion on me and their. love for me based on what I look like. I. think I didn't know that at the time. I've told you before that like I mean I. had a lot of people know that I had my. first relationship at I started dating. him at 27 and that was during all of all. of everything, right? I feel like people. don't know the timeline of why and I.

think that makes that would make more. sense for why it's taken me so long to. talk about everything from me getting. the surgery to then going into that. super deep depression and then right. like the moment that was even over I was. still kind of going through that my. boyfriend at the time broke up with me. So I think in the beginning I acted like. everything was fine and you know wasn't. going to be like yeah I'm actually. currently in binge eating treatment and. all this stuff you know and then as time. went on and I also was still struggling. and I was gaining weight. I probably.

gained about 40 lbs in that relationship. which was my first relationship. It was. a little under two years and I don't. want I call it love weight cuz you do. you get comfortable with someone you. like to lay in bed and binge a little. bit a lot you know like it was like I. agree. Yeah, I do. And I noticed that. after I'm like I feel like a lot of. that's happened to a lot of people. Um, but I think. that like thinking back on it, it's. interesting like yes, now it's been like.

a year since we broke up and I'm not. trying to like talk about a breakup or. the actual situation, but I never spoke. What I realized in the more in the past. few months, I started getting like I'm. not sad anymore. I've moved on. I'm. angry. I have a lot of anger in me that. I would love to eventually get rid of. Um, and I think that's because I think. about I feel very bad for that girl that. was going through all of this. And I. really really thought that I was like. loved. Um, and this was like the closest.

person to me for I thought I was loved. for me being me. And I I realize now. being outside of that, which you don't. really realize some things when you're. in a relationship, that that was not the. case for me. And I do think it's. important to bring up for anyone else. that maybe is in a similar situation. Like I want to clear up that what I see. online or what I've seen that has. bothered me is revenge body your breakup. weight loss. Like oh wow it took you a. break. This was for him. That's all I.

see. Oh. And I'm like that's annoying. Absolutely not though. If it was true I. would say it was true. Who cares? If. some people like get the motivation in. that way, great. Like you're focused on. yourself. Yeah, you're going to do that. For me, that absolutely didn't happen. And I do feel like I need to clear that. up because I did this surgery and I did. all of this for myself and cuz at the. end of the day, I felt I need to do it. for my health. I remember the day that I. talked about when I decided I was going. to do it and that next day I sat my. boyfriend at the time down and I said,

"I just want to let you know I'm doing. this surgery. I need to address things. that are bothering me with my health and. my weight." And told him what I was. doing. I didn't ask. and he didn't say. anything and I was like, "Are you sure. you have nothing to say?" And he's like, "I don't want to say the wrong thing.". So, I'm like, "Okay, that's fine." I. then started this journey. You're. supposed to also like be on a very. specific diet kind of before the. surgery, which I wouldn't especially cuz. it's could be dangerous. Um, I don't I. couldn't can't say I did that amazing.

like amazingly like I was definitely. more in like a binge phase like well. this is the last time I could eat all. these things. I get that. And I guess he. was watching me do that and you know. there during that time but he knew I was. going to doctors preparing for the. surgery had the date all of this and it. was around this was all around the time. that I was like struggling the most and. I remember it was like right after my. sister's wedding which was in November. and I was getting the surgery December. 11th. That was definitely my lowest and. my lowest point mentally but also. physically. And I I'm not dumb and I I I.

knew that there was a little bit of like. I mean we weren't having sex I think the. amount that I would think that people in. a relationship do. Again, this was my. first relationship. So that definitely. changed a little over time. And I kept. asking like I kept being like or like I. kept saying things and it would be like. your back hurts or kind of blaming me or. like or I'm tired or whatever it was. situation. Yes, definitely gas until. finally after the wedding I was like, "What am I doing?" Like, I'm I'm not.

stupid and I feel something's off. So, I'm going to say it again. And I was. like I remember we were at my apartment. and I was like, "What? Something's off. I feel like you don't want to touch me. I feel like like something's off." And. he's like, "No, you're crazy." Like, "No." And I'm like, "I just I just don't. think that's true." Out of nowhere, he. was like, "I'm full of You're right. I. have not been sexually attracted to you. for a for a while since you gained the. weight. Yeah. And I literally like in. that moment was just like, "Oh my god.".

Like he's literally everyone else. online, my parents, all as as much as I. love my parents, like all of these. people that I felt felt a certain way. about me because of my body, but I was. like, "This person doesn't." Like he But. and he knew that you're about to do this. surgery, right? Like that's what makes. me angry. like you knew what I was going. through. You knew I was actively I get. it. Like that's I think that goes back. to parents and stuff too. Like when they. see someone maybe hurting or they think.

someone's hurting or struggling like. you're going to say something and maybe. you say the wrong thing if you're not if. you know you know I've had issues with. my parents because of that and they said. the wrong thing and I said this is my. life and I need to deal with it on my. own. He chose to not say anything when I. gave him the opportunity to for a good. month or so and then just like threw on. me like yeah like I don't I do feel this. way because of what you look like. Like. you told me the opposite though. You. told me you didn't. And I just felt very.

in that moment I was like betrayed. I'm. like you're like everyone else on the. internet. Get the out of my apartment. Like I was literally like never talk to. me again. Like I was like screaming. I. was literally like I just couldn't. believe that what I thought maybe would. be true. No, there's no way. like was. true, right? That was in November. We. broke up for like a week, but he was. like, you know, changing the narrative a. little bit, like, I want to be with you. until I'm 90 so we could play pickle. ball. We don't play pickle ball, so we. could play pickle ball and and have a. healthy, happy life together. So then I.

started changing that narrative a little. to the close friends I told, too, and. being like, well, maybe it's not about. my body. Maybe it's about health. to my. parents and they were like, "Well, maybe. he just wants the best for you." You. know, but that led into we got back. together. It wasn't like a public. breakup or anything that was just like. between us. And I remember I sat him. down. I was like, "I don't know if I'm. going to be able to get this out of my. head, but I'm going to try cuz I was so. in love and wanted the support during. that time." And I sat him down. I was. like trying to really explain what I. never explained. Like I have an eating.

disorder. I have I have this issue. Like. I gained this weight because of this, this, and this. And he's like, "But you. know, gaining 40 pounds isn't normal, right? like this isn't normal. And I'm. like, I know it's not normal. It's and I. think that's the misconception. People. also think an eating disorder only goes. one way, right? It goes the other way as. well. And probably he was like, but how? Like you're full of [ __ ] You're just. eating. Stop eating. You know, like when. I did that eating disorder treatment. center, it was with people with. anorexia, bulimia, all different sizes. and binge eating. Like it's a lot of. overlap. People don't realize that,

right? Um and you know, we got back. together. I tried to pretend it was fine. and it actually was it was me being the. one a little like more cautious and him. being so in the relationship. Um he. would say things though like during that. time of like you um I can't wait for you. to lose the weight so we could actually. like I could throw you around in bed. We. could actually have fun. you know, things that I just am like looking back, you know, like even telling me like and. this was before the knowing about the.

surgery like don't eat the rice on that. or this or this and I'm just like now. being out of it and thinking of all of. it. I'm like I feel like I really let. myself down and also let like other. people and maybe that's part of the. reason I shut down online too. Like I. was just like I completely let myself. down too and other people of like I'm. supposed to be this like girl that's. like taking no and being like never let. yourself you know like I let this like. man make me I I can't ever blame someone. for how I feel about myself. But it I.

really lost all my confidence in that. situation. I think somebody else did not. great things to you and it affected you. and that's completely normal and it. happens to everybody and somebody that. says it doesn't they're full of I know. that I've been in relationships and the. way I've been treated by that person it. yes I should walk around and be like. well you and I don't deserve that but. it's not that easy and you do let that.

affect you and you become almost like a. shell of. And I think that sometimes, well, I know. sometimes you have to be like knocked. the out basically for you to wake up and. something really bad cuz some for me at. least. I agree. I had a lot of red flags. and they were I was color blind and I. didn't see any of them and things would. happen and I would be like you just sort. of either ignore them, you go through. life, you make an excuse like you said.

and then something really bad has to. happen at least for me that I had to. wake up and be like. oh okay that wasn't what it really was. It was something I was trying to create. in this fantasy that I wanted to live. because that's what I wanted but I don't. want it at this cost. And I think that's. what you were doing. And anyone that. says they haven't done that in their. life, they're lying. And especially that. that's your first relationship. It's so. much harder to learn something the first. time. I've had hundreds of not hundreds,

but I've had tons of relationships and. still I'm learning with everyone. And. more so because we do change and we. evolve and we learn new boundaries that. we want to set. And sometimes we feel. guilty for setting them and we can't. feel that way. And I think what happened. to you and that experience is really. horrible. But I think so much is going. to come out of you from that experience. And that's why the anger you have now. There's different stages of grieving. And that's what you're doing. And you.

went through whatever stages first, the. sad, the and sometimes you you even have. like these fond memories like that's a. stage you're like I miss. You like yearn. for that person. And it's not even the. person. You yearn for that. comfortability, that connection that you. had, but then you're like, snap out of. it. I mean, now that I've been starting. to date and stuff too, which I never did. in my life, I I am I hate that I have. one thing to compare to, but I'll go. back and be like, well, I liked that. about that relationship, and then I'm. like, but now I'm romanticizing. something that also maybe wasn't maybe.

wasn't what it was. I think just I I. think I get like a little mad at myself. that I'm like, why am I still in the. stage of any sort of breakup? Like, I. should be over it. But I think the point. is everyone has has all different. journeys in general and I think. especially with breakups like I am over. that person but I'm angry that I let. myself deal with those things in a. relationship and being and felt betrayed. by that person and I respect that but I. don't think you should be so hard on. yourself. I think you need to be a. little kinder to you because you're out.

of it. So many people don't get out of. bad situations. So, especially with it's. lame, but it's around the holidays. Like, I know that's a lame excuse, but. like normally people are like, "H, it's. the holidays. You ro and then like. you're like, oh, then it's New Year's, then it's Valentine's Day, like it's. stupid, but those things, people pay. attention to that stuff." So, I think. even the holidays, feeling isolated, going through what you were going. through, all of those things, feeling. probably the weakest version of yourself.

emotionally, and you still made one of. the strongest decisions is just to put. yourself first. Like, that's something. you need to commend yourself for. and having something to say to people. now. Like if people want to have. something to take away from you, you. they should take away that strength and. take away like, "Yeah, no, I went. through this experience, but I don't. want anyone to settle for that.". Regardless of your size, your age. And I. will say that first relationship. anyone's in, sometimes you're a.

teenager, sometimes you're 27, that's. the hardest one to get over. Yeah. At. least that's how like me and my friends. are. I remember I've been told. Yes. I. remember my first love still and I'm. like that was not love. But you're. romanticizing. It's this fantasy. So I. think you know this is you're still in. that grieving stage and it can take. years and I think no matter what my. ex-husband I still we haven't been. married in over 10 years and I'll still. remember things from that marriage and.

I'm like I want that again in a. different person. But I think it's also. okay to cherrypick things from different. relationships and be like, I want that. Even friendships, be like, I love how. I'm friends with this person or I like. how that person talks to me or treats. me. I think all those things are totally. okay to do and you should as long as you. can say it without the anger or the. sadness. I think that's the step you. have to get over just saying it like. matterofactly, but not in any hurry. You. go through that when you go through it.

in terms of relationships with you since. you've been in the public eye for so. long like do you feel in that same way. with like I asked about your body like. do you feel that with relationships like. when that ended with Lamar like that you. owed people answers or like I'm trying. to navigate like what am I going to do. next? I probably will I don't think I. can't say I don't know but I don't think. I will put my relationship out there in. the way I did because then I feel like. people feel like you owe them answers. Totally. And I think definitely with.

every well I know with every. relationship I've become more guarded. publicly but I know with Lamar it. was anything I was so in love and it was. so public and so all over the place I. didn't have a care in the world. And. then when it was when I was going. through my divorce, not that I felt the. need to. answer publicly like on a social. platform because it just was it wasn't. the same as it is now. The same people. weren't as like transparent online too.

I feel like there was like photos on. Instagram more and that was totally and. there was like not really a caption. You. just it was like a Pinterest page. Um. which I love. But um so I would explain. myself on my show because I feel like. that's my job too. And with Tristan, I. feel the same way. I felt like I would. never give um you know, people do like. statements and like they post it with. their publicist. I've never been that. person, but that's because I have a. platform like my TV show, right? And you.

like I'll do this there, right? And so I. do that there. But moving forward, I. would never, unless I'm like in a really. serious relationship, I wouldn't have. someone like I wouldn't, back in the. day, I would date someone and have the. cameras follow me cuz it was just a. different time. I would never do that. now. And I'm not even sure how much I. would want them on the show, per se. Not. that I want to be secretive. I just. think that we all deserve a little piece. of privacy. And for me, that's that. But.

I would still maybe have pictures of. them here or there. I would still have. them on my show a little bit cuz I think. that's also I don't want to be. withholding anything. But what you're. saying is a difference of secret and. private. Like that is a difference. Like. you're not being secret if you're not. hiding someone like but like no matter. what if you are you're allowed to have. privacy. Yes. There's just levels to it. But you have to teach people how to. treat you and people will learn once you.

teach them that. So, whatever you allow, that's what they're going to have to. accept. And you're going to have to get. over the guilt of, am I letting them. down? Am I not giving them enough? I. mean, social media is definitely a gift. and a curse. And you don't want to fall. into that quicksand. I have another. question for you just in terms of like. relationship like were you and did you. have like a very angry stage where then. how do you let that anger go not for. that person but for you? Oh my god, was. I in an angry stage. It's weird now that.

so much time has passed with Lamar, like. I sort of forget exactly my anger stage, but I know I had one. Yeah. But because. Tristan is more recent. I mean, I did. not talk to Tristan for a long time. Now. I'm like remembering you screaming on. TV. So, was that after Lamar or was that. the I'm sure both. Oh, the liar. Oh, yeah. Yeah. The liar was after Tristan. I'm like, "Oh, wait. So you were angry. No, I was so angry. But I was like not I.

did not handle it well. Angry. Liar. That was Yes. But I've been angry for. both parties. But um Tristan, I was. definitely angrier. probably on camera. Like Lamar stuff. I. felt like I had like more alone time. with that. But um you just work through. it. But I remember I mean. sadly Tristan's mom passed away but we. weren't talking until his mom did pass.

away and so it made me be like Mhm. there's bigger things happening. Yeah. And I knew eventually I would move on. because we had kids together. I think. when you don't have kids with someone, you can hold on to that anger more. because you don't have to talk to them. So it's easier. But um I'm the type of. person the only way to get through your. feelings is to literally go through the. feelings. So you have to live them. I. don't like when people are like it's. been 6 months, get over it or it's been.

years. I'm not going to be over it till. I want to be over it. And if you want to. be angry, but I'm someone like I would. write a lot. I like to write just for. myself, not for anybody. And that's. therapy for me. I will be a beast in the. gym because I will box and I will do. whatever and envision whomever I need to. envision that I'm kicking their ass. Like those things are my therapy. And. everyone's different. You might need to. go to like a real therapist and talk it. out. But whatever the case may be, but I.

think all those feelings are fine. I'm. not someone that needs to talk to that. other person for closure. Yeah. Well, I've learned that you're not going to. get. that to yourself. It's probably going to. anger you more. Yeah, they. just like to. defel a face to face. I'm like, "No, no, no, no, no." Cuz that will rile me. Yeah. Up. But yeah, I think all of. that's really normal. But I will say,

and my mom tells me there is like this. cooling off period, and that can take. years, it could take months, but. I would say give it between two to three. years. Yeah, I'm serious. That's. normally when I'm like, "Okay, great. I. can look at you again." No, it sucks. But the first year, don't even think. about not being angry. Yeah. And if. you're not angry in the first year, maybe that relationship just didn't. really matter to you that much, right? Which is fine. Yeah. But I think it's.

really normal to be a brutal beast for a. few years. Are you still very angry? No. No. I just think that that was part of. me wanting to the body stuff. specifically. Like that's what I just. feel like I needed. It's hurtful. I. started realizing it really delayed what. I was taking and way after the breakup. and I I felt like it was it's been like. living inside of me and I needed to talk. like I need to say it out loud and I I.

do feel like all of this and why I. wanted to talk about it will actually be. just a relief on me. Like I feel like. it's kind of been all of this has been. like eating me alive inside a little. bit. So for me, my dad died when I was. 19. and for some reason I could not talk. about him like for years after. And I. remember I was filming I either season 1. or season two of Keeping Up and one of. the producers sat me down and was like, "You're going to talk about this an. interview." And I was so angry and I.

answered and I was like tears streaming. down my face and it's I don't know what. I was so angry about. Like it was you. know he passed away. It was a horrible. situation, but it was years later and I. just never would speak about it. And. after I did that interview and after it. aired like after I remember after I left. the interview, I felt so exhausted and I. was like, that took everything out of me. and I was I think maybe a little bit. angrier and then when it aired, it was. almost like right it was taken away from.

me. And I can talk about my dad. Obviously my dad is 19. I'm 40 now, but. I could talk about him all day long. I. never get sad. I actually love talking. about him. It makes me so happy. But I. will say that interview and I'll never. forget as much as I hated it then, I'll. never forget how much it helped me work. through my grief and my anger. And. sometimes you do like you might have to. talk about it. And as much as you're. trying to set your boundaries for your. privacy and what you deserve, maybe this.

is what needs to happen to almost close. that chapter. I think so. So you can. then say, okay, I'm I'm doing this. because it's eating me alive and I feel. like in a way that your community. deserves that you're following. But then respectfully, you do want to. have these guard rails and boundaries. for your life. And that's okay. And then. there's like no more guilt because. you've now you're starting the new. version of you already in a private way. Yeah. I feel like I've had this pause on.

myself of like I don't know what to. post. I don't know what to say. I don't. know what to do until this is out there. And I always knew that I would put not. just the relationship stuff, the. surgery, the everything. I knew it would. be put out there. I didn't know that it. would affect me this much. And I didn't. know by not talking about it. And I. think it's just the person I am. Like I. still need to be somewhat of an open. person. That's how I am. and I don't. want to feel like I'm living and walking. on eggshells. And I do have a lot to say. and I do have a lot to share while still. keeping those boundaries. So, I do and. am hoping that this like releases some.

of that a little bit. I think it will. And I think moving forward you can talk. about if you want to like I'm not. feeling great today about myself and. people will relate to that. I think. you're also going to be exposed to maybe. a different community of people that are. going through similar things as you cuz. you're not the only one. And if you can. be like that beacon of light for people, not to put, you know, a heavy. responsibility on you, but more in a. positive way, I think that's a beautiful. thing. Well, thank you. Thank Thank you.

for having this conversation with me. I. I feel like I do feel like trust in a. safe space with you. I think it's the. who you give off as a person and I'm. very grateful that I could have this. conversation with you. Well, that makes. me happy, Remy. Thank you.