WORLD LEADING THERAPIST: #1 Mistake People Make in Love (20+ Years as a Therapist Taught me THIS!)

I'm so excited to finally share the live. interviews from my very first podcast. tour. This episode features my interview. with Lori Gottlieb at DAR Constitution. Hall in Washington, D.C. Wow, wow, wow, everyone. I am so excited to be here. tonight at the DAR Constitution Hall in. Washington, D.C. with the one and only. Lori Gottlieb. Give it up for Lori, everyone. Now, Lori has been.

a dear friend for the last few years and. has been one of our most popular On. Purpose guests. She's been on the show. at least three times and we're going to. have her back on every year that she. possibly can. So, Lori, to do this in. person when we're usually in the studio. is a real treat. So, thank you so much. for flying out as well. I'm so grateful. that you're here. Oh, I'm so happy to be. here with this wonderful crowd in D.C. I love it. So, I want to dive straight. in with you, Lori, because I really want.

to dive into your mind. You have so many. incredible insights. And something we've. been talking about tonight is this idea. of being worried about what people think. of us. And the hardest person's perception. that we take the most seriously is our. partners. Yeah. And a lot of us can. sometimes feel we're performing in. relationships. to try and get that validation, to try. and get that attention, to try and get. that affection. Why do so many of us. feel that way and what do we do about.

it? It's interesting, you know, I think in. the beginning of a relationship, there's. this joke that you're not you, you're. the ambassador of you. So, you know, we're all trying to put our best foot. forward. We're trying to impress the. other person, but I think that once. we're in the relationship, we all have. some part of us that worries that we're. not lovable. And maybe we're going. through something hard or maybe we're. not feeling great about ourselves. The the person is is going through. something like they're having great. success and we don't feel like we. measure up. And so I think what happens.

is we feel like we have to earn our. love. That we're not enough just to be. there, that we have to somehow earn it. through these external criteria. Like I. have to be so attractive and so funny. and so entertaining and you know, all. the things. And what you do have to earn. love by the way, but you earn it by. being relational. So people want to be. in relationships with people who are. relational. They don't want to be in. relationships with people who can't.

listen, aren't emotionally generous, those kinds of things. But I think that, you know, when we think about performing. in a relationship. that has to do with I don't believe that. you will love me if I don't earn your. love. And that's a belief that we need. to get rid of. How do we do that? Well, I I think you need to understand that. that's not the way that you earn love. So the way you earn love, as I said, is. is being relational. It's not about all. of these other things that we try to do.

like I need to look this way or be this. way. The person cares about you, they're. with you. So you need to show up. And I. think that that's really the answer is. how do you how can you. be in a relationship with somebody? You. have to show up. Otherwise, if you're. just in your head the whole time, you're. not even there. So many of the people that I speak to. and I'm sure a lot of you can agree with. this. I think a lot of people feel that. at one point in their relationship they. find that their partner doesn't want to. open up, doesn't want to talk about.

their feelings, isn't comfortable being. vulnerable, and may actually be more. closed off. So I often find in. relationship there's one person who. wants to talk about everything. and then the other person doesn't want. to talk about anything. And so even. though we want to be relational, you. often find that one person doesn't. whether they don't have the emotional. capacity, whether they don't feel. they're ready, whether they. don't even allow themselves to think. about these things. What do you do when. you're in a relation? Can everyone.

relate to that, by the way? Just make. some noise. Yeah. All right. When you're with someone like that, what. do you do? Where do you start? Because. you want to be with them, they're not. being relational, they don't want to. listen to you, they don't want to talk. about their life. How do you navigate that? First of all, I think it's really important that you. notice that at the beginning of a. relationship. So many people will say, you know, oh, this person doesn't really. open up or they're not really there, they're not really being vulnerable with. me, but that's okay cuz that will come.

And then you keep going and you think, okay, well, it it will come later, but. it's still not coming. Why do we do. that? Why do we ignore that? Because. it's almost like attribution bias. You. know, it's like you want to attribute. certain traits to the person that they. don't actually have. And that's why I. always say at the beginning of a. relationship, um you want to bring things up. People. are afraid to for the reason that we. said, you know, we want to be the. ambassador of us at the beginning of the. relationship. But actually, you want to.

bring things up early and often. And. that's because relationships are like. cement. If you let the cement dry, it's. and so you say, okay, this is this will. change later, then you're going to have. to get out of jackhammer, dig everything. up, right? It just it's really hard. But. if there's still room, you can say to. your partner, "Hey, I'm having trouble. making contact with you. What's going. on? Is there something about the way. that we're relating? Why is it, you. know, I'm I'm I really want to get to.

know you better, but I'm having trouble. um I'm really understanding what's going. on inside.". And some of that is gendered. Okay? So some of it is a lot of times. men feel like, if I open up and be. vulnerable, then I'm going to be. perceived as weak or I'm going to be. perceived, you know, differently. And. and there's some part of of women that. we need to learn to provide space for. men to be vulnerable. Because what. happens is when when I'm doing couples.

therapy, what I'll see is if it happens. to be a man and a woman, I will see that. the woman will say to her partner, "I'm. so glad you're here. I really want to. talk about all this stuff that we can't. talk about and I want you to tell me. what's going on. I want to really know. what's going on inside of you." And then. he opens up. And then maybe he tears up. Maybe he starts crying and she's like, "Whoa.". Right? So, part of it is. "I don't feel safe when you don't open. up to me, but I also, in a weird way,

and I can't explain it, I don't feel. safe when you're crying, either.". So, we need to make sure that we are. providing the space for the the partner. who's not vulnerable to be vulnerable. We can ask them what would be helpful. And and I think we just don't ask the. questions and then we say, "Well, this. person's not capable of it." They might. be very capable of it if you give them. the space. We're all looking for that. safety. Yeah. And we're so scared that. if we showed our true selves,

then it wouldn't be a safe space. anymore. And that maybe that part of us. would be too hard to handle, too hard to. hold, too hard to embrace. And so, we. just lock it up inside. and we never share that. We never show. that. And the challenge that happens is. the other person thinks you don't have. the capacity and actually you're. thinking, "Well, I don't think you. actually have the capacity for me to be. all of myself." And and it really does. require a lot from people to allow their.

partner to be all of themselves. How do we. How do we communicate. that we're ready to create a safe space. for that person, and how do we actually. create the resilience in ourselves. to have the space for whatever may come? Like I remember when I was talking to a. couple a few years ago, uh. it was it was similar to the the gender. uh play that you mentioned, where she. was like, "I want you to be really.

really open to the man." And he was just. like, "What if I tell you this? I'm. scared you won't like it." And then he. opened up about some of the challenges. he'd had in his past. And that really. made her feel insecure about him, even. though it wasn't to do with them. So it can be really complicated. How do. we truly have emotional availability to. make space for what someone has to say. for us? That's such an important point, because. it's not just saying that you have the. space, it's actually having the space. And that's where it's hard for us.

sometimes to separate out who we are. from who they are. So they're telling. you something about them. And they're. asking you to sit with them. They're. inviting you to come closer. And we. think, "Oh, they're telling me something. that feels threatening to me." So there. there's when we talk about. vulnerability, there's two kinds of. vulnerability. There's vulnerability of. I'm going to tell you something about my. past that feels delicate to me, but what really kind of triggers the. partner sometimes is I'm going to tell. you something about you in relation to.

me that is delicate. Mhm. And so how can. we be vulnerable about something. relational between us? And that's where couples get into a lot. of trouble, because instead of hearing. the other person, they're getting. defensive, they're feeling blamed, they're feeling criticized. When really, the invitation is, "Please come closer. I trust you, and I feel close to you.". So isn't it funny how we hear the. opposite message? We hear like, "Something's wrong with you. You're.

damaged. I'm criticizing you." That's. what we're hearing. But actually, the invitation was the. opposite. And that's because in any. moment when there are two people in. conversation, there are up to a dozen. people in the room. And by that I mean, think about who's in. the room. Like take attendance. Have any. of you ever been talking to somebody. else in the room and it feels like it's. not just the two of you? Anybody? Where it feels like, "Wow, something. else, I don't know what just happened.

with the other person, but that's not. what I said. That's not what I meant. That wasn't You know, that like that. what conversation are they in?". Well, that is because you need to say, you know, who's in the room. Uh a. parent, a grandparent, their parents. because of the generational patterns. that have gone down through the. generations, a teacher who told you that. you would never amount to something, the. teacher who told you you were fabulous. Um you know, and the first boyfriend or. girlfriend you had. Like all those.

people are in the room, but we don't. know it. So, you have to if you're. having a big reaction to something, we. always say if it's hysterical, it's. historical. If you are having a reaction. that feels outsized to what is actually. being said, it's like you went from zero. to 60 in your body. If it's hysterical, it's historical. Who. else Who are these figures in the room? Take attendance. See who's in the room. And then who do you want to invite in. the room and who's not invited?

And then tell the people very kindly, "Hey mom, hey dad, hey grandma, hey. sibling, um you're not invited into this. conversation. So, you go and I'm going. to come back into the conversation with. this person that I'm talking to." Wow, I. love that. I love that. That's so. powerful. Uh. it it resonates so strongly with so many. interactions I can think of. I wanted to. ask you, Lori, can you truly love someone. if you don't love yourself? Mhm.

I get asked that question all the time. and I think the better question is. can you truly accept someone if you. don't accept yourself? One of the most. loving things you can do. to yourself and to other people is. acceptance. And acceptance doesn't mean. settling or compromising. It means. embracing the fullness of the other. person's humanity and embracing the. fullness of your humanity. So when people say, you know, will you. love me if, right? It's do you accept me.

fully is really the question. And I. don't think that you can accept someone. else fully if you don't accept yourself. fully. Because, you know, we can't order. up people a la carte. You know, like. like we think we can just order up. anything the way we want nowadays. Just. with like you can order online, you can. get anything. It's like, you know, what. are your special instructions? Um, you. know, leave this on the side. You can't. do that with people. They just come the. way they come. So you can't be like, yeah, I love everything about you, but I.

want to leave like your anxiety on the. side. I want to leave your neuroses on. the side. I want to leave, you know, that history that you have with that. other person on the side. I wish that. didn't happen. Um, you can't do that. So they come. fully formed, no substitutions. It's the. way it is on the menu. That's how they. come. And you you do too, by the way. You have. So we forget sometimes we think like I. have to accept all these things about. the other person. What about the things. that they're accepting about you? >> Ooh. Right? And if you were truly honest.

about it, not like in a job interview. when people say, you know, what is your. greatest weakness and you couch it as a. strength, like I work too hard. Right? You know, that's my greatest weakness is. I'm just a perfectionist and I work too. hard. Well, no, that's not on your list. The list has to be something real like. I can be really inflexible or um, I am. still working on this one thing and that. can be challenging for my partner. Um, you know, whatever the things are, be honest. You know what the things are.

that you have to accept. And once you. accept those in yourself, what happens. is something kind of miraculous. Not. only do you feel more loved because you. are more accepted, but they become. smaller. So, those things that feel very. huge to you, once you've said, "You know. what? I'm not going to focus on them or. obsess about them anymore." All of a. sudden, they don't take up so much. emotional real estate. It's like, I just. accept that about myself. Moving on. Yeah, that's super powerful advice, Des.

Uh, that. that resonates so much more. The word. acceptance versus love. Because I I think love kind of gets. convoluted when you're having that. conversation. Like, do I love myself? Do. they love me? Do I love them? Whereas. acceptance kind of gets to the heart of. it. And even as I was listening to it, I. was thinking about like. I was talking to someone else yesterday. about this. And I was talking about me. and my wife, Radhi. And. I was explaining that really acceptance.

is what helps our relationship work. We're very different people. We have very different priorities. And we have a lot of different things. that we like and engage with. But we. respect that that's what makes the other. person attractive to us. Yes. >> So, so what I mean by that is when Radhi. met me, I'm I'm the same person I've. been, which is a mission-oriented. I'm. very focused on my purpose. It's my top priority in life, and I love. it. And thankfully, knock on wood, in the.

last 12 years, Radhi's never said to me, "You work too much." Because she knows I. love this. This is who I am. It's who I. always was. And for Radhi, her top priority is her. family. She loves them, her niece and. her nephew, her grandma, her mom and. dad, like her sister, like that's her. top priority. And so, she loves visiting. them in England and going back, even. though we live in LA. And I love that, because I'm like, the reason why Radhi. is so lovable is because of her loving. relationship with her family. And so it becomes an acceptance point of.

recognizing that what It's almost like. you don't want to take away the secret. sauce that makes your partner your. partner. Whether they're it's their. ambition, whether it's their love for. their family, whatever it may be. And. when you respect it and accept it, it. allows for things to blossom. Whereas. when you try and take it away, you. actually end up becoming their. kryptonite. Yeah. Making them weaker by. taking away the very thing that they. value. Does that make sense? Yeah, I. think of relationships is almost like a. relationship is like a startup. It's. like you're building, you're co-founding.

this this whatever you're building. And. every single relationship, it's like a. snowflake, it's unique. There's no other. relationship out there like it. There. will be overlap, but the fact is these. two individuals coming together are. creating something that no one else can. create. And so if you take away. something from one of the other people, that might be something that is really. adds to the richness of the. relationship. You don't want to change. uh you know, the person that you're.

with. You might There might change. interactions between you. That's. different. So you if you want to change. the way that you relate to each other, but you don't want to change the essence. of the person. Yeah, I want to give. another example of a weakness that I had. uh that I had to work on, which which. really helped me when it comes to this. acceptance point. At one point in our. relationship, I was always like I was. upset that Radhi didn't organize more. vacations. And I was the one doing all. the organizing. Anyone can relate? If.

anyone's me in the relationship, yeah. And and so I was upset about that. And I. remember communicating that to her and I. said, "Look, like I'd really appreciate. it if you also organized the vacations.". And she said something that was so. honest to me and and it was it really. really resonated with me. She goes, "Jay, I would happily organize any of. our vacations, but the problem is if I. organize it, you'll have a million. pieces of feedback.". But if you organize it, I I'll just. happily do whatever you want to do.

And and it took me a second, but she was. spot on. I'm like a perfectionist. I. want it done this way. I want it And and. I realized I was like, "Actually, she's. the sweetest person in the world because. when I organize a vacation, she's happy. to be a part of it and won't even ever. say to me like, 'Oh, I wish we did this. or we should have done this.'" Whereas, I would be like that the whole time. And and and it was such a like holding. up a mirror to me. And and I realized that I was the one. discouraging her from taking.

responsibility in a relationship because. of how I would respond. And that was a. lot of self-awareness that I didn't have. at that moment, and it was such a. powerful thing to learn to accept that. even though I thought she wasn't doing. something for me, actually it was. because of how I was behaving. That. happens so often. I I remember when I. was seeing this couple, she was saying, "You know, I want you to. stop by on the way home from the gym. I. want you to stop by at the market, and I. want you to get these things." And they. had a baby, and she wanted him to get.

organic strawberries. They did not have organic strawberries. at Trader Joe's that day. So, what did he do? He got the regular. strawberries. >> Oh, no. We know how this goes, guys. Now, I want to say hashtag first world. problems, right? But at the same time, these are like the tiny What do people. fight about most? They're these tiny. things that mean something much bigger. So, for her this meant, "You don't pay. attention to what's important for me and.

our baby." Right? And for him, it was. like, "No, I did I did exactly what you. asked. And if I had done it my way, I. would have gone to the other place, and. maybe they would have had organic. strawberries, but I was following your. directions so I wouldn't get in trouble. and then I got in trouble anyway. So, these are the kinds of things when. we try to control our partners, we're. not giving them the autonomy to. creatively. do the things that actually would. enhance the relationship.

And when, you know, when we look at what. is the number one. trait, there are two there when we say. like what what makes couples work, okay? Um emotional stability and that means. like you basically, you know, have your. working on your stuff. Um and the second thing is flexibility. That you have to be flexible. And so if. you're the perfectionist in the. relationship and you're trying to. control your partner, um that's going to make you very very.

difficult to live with. And and. what will happen is you will start to. lose control because now that person. doesn't want to pay attention, they. don't trust you, they're going to try to. go around you because they're they're. you know, it's kind of like we say that. you need an aquarium in a relationship, also with parenting. But an aquarium is. like if it's a fishbowl, it's too tight. It's like too constrained. If it's an. aquarium, there's no rules, nobody knows. what's going on, it doesn't feel good, it doesn't feel safe. An aquarium is.

just right. Can you give the other. person the equivalent of an aquarium so. they have room to swim, but there are. also certain agreed upon rules in the. relationship. Got it. That makes sense. I've been I've been dying to ask you. this question, Lori. You've, you know, coached couples in relationships for. decades now and, you know, been in. therapy with couples, individuals, everything. I wanted to ask you, what is the difference between. compatibility and chemistry? And which one's more important?

Let's do a poll. Let's do it. That's the fun of getting. to do it with all of you. >> Who thinks that compatibility is more. important than chemistry? Make some. noise. Okay. And. And now the chemistry folks? Make some. noise. All right. All right. There's a There's. a good There's a good amount for each, but here's the the answer that I would. give. And this is from seeing couples. for all of these years, and I will say. that.

I think that the most important form of. chemistry is compatibility. Wow. >> all right. And what I mean by that. So, compatibility is. do we vibe? Um do we have the same ideas. about how we like to have fun? Do we. have the same ideas about our goals for. ourselves and for our relationship? Do. we bring out the best in each other? That's like red-hot chemistry, right? But it's compatibility, too.

Some people would say that chemistry is. I always feel on edge with this person, but wow, that person's so hot, right? Well, the other person can be really. hot. That's part of your compatibility, too. But you need the other things. If. you bring out the best in each other, that is chemistry and compatibility all. wrapped in one. Yeah, I agree. I love. that answer. Yeah, go Give it up. There's um. You reminded me of this amazing study.

that I read that I loved, which was. talking about how. when you meet someone. and you feel the spark or the chemistry, really what it is is anxiety and. excitement at the same time. So, it's. like excitement and stress. I'll give. you an example. The excitement is, "Oh. my gosh, they're hot, right?". The stress is, "Do they think I'm hot?". Right? The excitement is, "Oh my gosh, I. got their number. I'm going to text. them." The stress is, "Are they going to.

text me back?". The excitement is I thought we had a. great date. The stress is do they think. we had a great date? And so that's what. chemistry chemically actually is. It's. stress and excitement. Now what's really. interesting what this study said is that. over time when you get to know someone. and you've spent time together, your. stress goes down. Because now you're used to being around. them. You know they like you. You know. they like being around you. You know. they're going to text you back. And so.

because the stress goes down, excitement. kind of starts to diminish and you now. think it's boredom. When actually it's. peace. Right? So it's this really weird idea. that compatibility is boring and. chemistry is exciting. But really real. great compatibility is a sense of peace. That we actually feel peaceful around. each other and I don't feel on edge. around you and I don't have to worry. about whether you like me. And that's. why it's so interesting how so many.

relationships go through this boredom. era when you've got to actually check in. with yourself and say are we bored or. have I just lost the stress of them. liking me and texting me back and. messaging me. Right, but what you get instead is you. get the dopamine of this person loves. me, right? Like there's something all of. the people who are dealing with what you. said of, you know, the date went well, did they think the date went well, did. you know, I got their number, are they. going to call me back, you know, all of. that. That is So when people are going.

through that, you know what they say in. therapy when they tell you what they're. really feeling? They say all I want is. to feel safe. I want peace. I want all. of that, right? I just want to feel good. and I know that the person likes me and. I want to have fun with them. That's. what they want. And then when they have. that, they say oh no, I want the other. thing. I want that other thing at the. beginning. You weren't happy at the. beginning. You were stressed out all the. time. You were like, is the person going. to call? What's going to happen? What. did it mean that the person waited this. many hours between the text and the time.

that it Right? Nobody Nobody enjoys. that. They think they did in retrospect, but at the time when they're reporting. it, they're like, I hate this. Yeah, that's so true. That's so true. We we We. forget very quickly. how anxious and nervous and stressed we. were at the start when we were dating. someone and and what that looked like. Before we go into something really. exciting and interesting I want to do. with the audience, I wanted to ask you. one more question, which is this idea of. should couples in therapy also be going.

to individual therapy? And and how do. you. Yeah, happy I asked that question, yeah. How do you How do you How do you figure. that out? Like, do you go to individual. therapy? Do you also do couples therapy? Do you only do couples therapy? Like, how do you figure that out? I think that in a lot of ways couples. therapy is individual therapy and at. least the way that I do it. And what I. do is before people come into therapy, um I say to each person separately, if you were going to be the best version. of yourself in this relationship.

regardless of what the other person. does, what do you want to work on? What is one. thing that you want to work on? And I. ask each of them that. They don't tell. each other what it is. It just that's. their That's their sort of individual. goal in the therapy. And so no matter. what happens in the therapy, the whole. time they are working on each of them is. working on that one goal. And guess what. happens? As each person is kind of doing their. individual work, you don't change. another person, but you influence. another person. So, now, oh, I am being.

more aware of this now and look at the. effect it's having on the other person. It's a virtuous cycle. So, instead of. like the vicious cycle of, well, we're. doing this dance and what I do upsets. this person and what they do upsets me, it's like, I'm doing something different. and they're responding well to it. And. now they're responding well to it and. they're responding well to me. It keeps. going back and forth. And I think that's. so interesting because. you know, often in a relationship. we have this this way of thinking like,

"If I snap at you, it's because I was. tired and my boss was really demanding. today. If you snap at me, it's because. you're disrespectful and you don't care. about me.". Right? >> That's real, yeah. So so what happens is. we have context because we know in our. own mind why we did what we did. And we. think we know why the other person did. what they did, but we have zero context. for it. We don't know. And because we. feel hurt by it, we don't ask. So I. think it's really important to consider.

that we don't know the whole story. And. so when you're doing couples therapy, you're working with the individuals at. the same time. You can't just work with. a couple and you can't just work with. like, "Here's our problem." It's like, "Here's my stuff. Here's my history. Here's like all the 12 people I'm. bringing in the room. Here's you, your. stuff, your history, the 12 people. you're bringing in the room. Let's. disinvite the people who don't need to. be here. Let's talk about what is going.

on underneath the problem of who's doing. the laundry. Yeah. Well said. Well said, Lori. Amazing. All right. Well, you know, the joy of doing this live. with all of you, usually we're in a. studio. The joy of doing this live, it. first of all, I would just want to say. how much this means to me because I. absolutely love this. I wish we could do. every podcast like this. So it's so fun. to see what resonates with you and what. connects with you and what you relate. to. But I just want to get a show of. hands. How many couples do we have in. the house tonight? Raise your hand if. you're with your partner tonight. Okay,

amazing. Quite a few. I love that. Now. look, every every couple, as I was. sharing with me and Radha too, every. couple goes through disagreements and. things like that. I want to give someone the opportunity. to have and do an exercise with Lori on. stage right now. So if you have any. couples that would love to join us on. stage, raise your hands. I'm going to. come out and talk to you. Raise your. hands. Hello. This is going to be fun. Hi. Hi. It's going to be super fun.

All right. Okay. Well, first of all, thank you guys. You. guys are so brave. >> a father relationship. I'm just saying. here. We might We might bring We might. bring Jay in for some mediation.

So, okay. Tell us your names. I'm. Stephanie. Stephanie? Nico. Nico. Okay. So, how are you guys at acting? Not very good. Okay. Well, we're going. to do our best. He's He's terrified. No, no. I think behind closed doors I think I'm. pretty good at it. All right. So, I'm casting a play. And. you're playing Nico. Oh. You're playing Stephanie.

Nico. Okay. What is What is this person's name. right here? Everybody say it. Nico. I'm. Nico. Good. What is this person's name. right over here? Stephanie. All right. So, I want you. guys to hold with the non-mic hand, hold. hands. And we do this a lot in couples therapy. because your nervous system calms down. It keeps you connected.

And. uh Nico, can you tell me what the issue is with. Stephanie? And And when I say what the issue is, it's not just what the issue is, but. what it What does it make you feel? What. comes up for you? I guess just like worry and stress, just. overwhelm of emotions. Yeah, but what. what's the issue? What it What is the. issue that you guys are disagreeing. about? >> I guess the worthy. of yourself.

Meaning, so what happens between the two. of you when you you're disagreeing about. I guess I just don't like sometimes feel. like I'm not level up to the expectation. of how I should be. Oh, how Stephanie. wants you to be. Tell me more about what you think. Stephanie what what Stephanie wants you. from you. What does Stephanie want you. to be like? Uh. I guess just like the best I can. do in any aspect. Like as a mom,

as a partner, just to be able to be. present for the other person. So, Stephanie wants you to be a good. listener. You're You're Nico. Wait, I'm getting confused. I'm confused. >> You're Nico. >> You're Nico. Right. So So you're You're Nico. It's. okay. It's hard to get into the mindset. of Yeah, I just feel all the emotions. >> Nico. I'm Nico. Okay. >> Okay. So I think. >> And And Stephanie And And Stephanie is. not listening to this. Okay. So I'm. Okay. So you're You're Nico and you're.

telling me what you feel like you can't. tell Stephanie. about How does she make you feel about. whether you're. living up to her expectations? I'm kind of confused. Uh so this is as So I'm Nico and I'm. communicating. So you're You're Nico. And what is going on with you and. Stephanie? What is What is What are you.

feeling like. >> perspective, what are you seeing as the. challenge? I guess just like the. overwhelm of supporting for the family. Mhm. Um and and letting Stephanie know that I. am doing my best. to take care of myself and you. Uh. but I also need to focus on like. my mental health. Um. And what it What does it feel like when. you feel like Stephanie isn't uh doesn't.

feel like you're doing your best? I guess it's like annoyance. that they're not understanding of what. I'm feeling. What does Stephanie not. understand? That I also need to have me time. Okay. And what happens. Why do you think Stephanie has trouble. um. giving you the the space to have me.

time? Because I think she also wants me time. and not that understanding that there's. a balance and if you get this, I have to. have that, too. Okay. So, it has to be sort of equalized. in in Stephanie's mind. Yes. But not in. your mind. Right. Okay. All right, Stephanie. Um what's going on for you? So, right. I can see why this is hard to. switch into that mindset. >> Yeah. Um.

Yeah, so you know, Nico works from home. and. he. goes to his computer early in the. morning and I have to. you know, obviously help out with. Natalia, our baby girl, and. and. you know, I might see him that he he. might go. for a run in the middle of the day and. and there's something that you know, and. and I think that Nico does that because. he just wants to clear his mind and he.

wants to provide for his family. But, uh um. you know, maybe if I do something that's. not necessarily me being glued to my. desk, then then Stephanie might or or. Nico. You're. You Okay. You are You are You are I I I. get upset if maybe I don't see Nico if. he's not 100% working at his desk and he. might be doing something that, you know, he might be dedicating. time for him and I'm not getting that. and I'm.

you know, I I also want to be doing my. things and. and I'm not able to do that and I'm. jealous that maybe Nico is is doing. that. You know why you guys are having so much. trouble remembering who the other person. is? Because you have the exact same. complaint. What's that? That you both feel like the other person. doesn't give you enough me time and the. other person doesn't understand. why you need it.

Right. So, this is interesting cuz. normally when I do this with couples, one person has one perspective on. something, the other person has a. completely different perspective on it. You guys literally have the same. complaint. So, what I want you to do. is I want you to imagine, while you're. in your roles, how you come across. to the other person. So, I'm going to. bring you back to your actual selves. Right. So, you're Stephanie, you're.

Nico, okay? I want you to act out, Stephanie, how. you think and make it really big and. make it really, you know, like like. exaggerated, how you come across to Nico. when you're frustrated with him and you. want me time or you don't like him. having me time. I feel like I sometimes act like a. child. Just Well, let let's see it. Let's see it. Actually Actually. >> Oh. Oh. Go for it. And by the way, this is we all we all. have these moments they're normally not. on a stage. So, please know that every.

single person in this audience has done. this just in the privacy of their own. home. Or on my couch. Goodness gracious, babe. You don't. listen. I need to just do me, have a moment for. myself, stop thinking about yourself, and just listen. Baby, I have a lot. >> wait. Don't I'm not asking you to. respond. I'm ready. That was a great performance.

Okay. Nico, tell Stephanie what it feels like. when she does that. About you. All you're only going to talk. about you. You're not going to say you. this or you're going to you're going to. talk about yourself. I feel. Yeah. Baby, you know how I like to be. approached. Um I'm very just big on. you know, thinking before you say. something. >> you're telling her. You're telling her. >> I don't like triggering words. I don't.

like it when I'm going to give you I'm. going to give you some like a multiple. choice. Okay. Okay. Cuz we don't know. We need like it's. almost like, you know, we don't we. didn't get a lot of of training on like. what are the feelings, right? We know. like mad, sad, happy, but we don't know. anything in between. It's like we know. the primary colors, but we don't know. the shades. What I saw here was. I. I feel angry. I feel shame. Does that resonate? Yeah. Okay, tell her. about the shame.

It's like how I'm trying to fix this. No, just tell her what it what the shame. is like. I feel How it feels when you. feel. when she says that to you, when she acts. in that way to you. How does that shame. feel to you? Yeah, I just I I feel like. I'm I'm trying to juggle a lot, and. it doesn't make me feel like heard or my. my my point of view is is being listened. to. Um. you know, I just wish that it was more. of a conversation instead of like an.

attack. I I want to go back to the shame only. because I think that that's sort of the. core of. what does it mean if you disappoint her? So, she's disappointed by you. rightly or wrongly, I'm not going to get. into that. Um although I do have an. opinion about it. But. she's disappointed. And she's saying, "I want to feel safe. I want you to provide. I want you to um.

use your time well. I want you to be. productive.". And you feel like. I I if I don't do that for her, then I. feel bad about myself. Tell her about the part that it makes. you feel bad about yourself. Oh, okay. Yeah, but you know, I'm very supportive. of you and and. I I do feel bad when I see you stressed. out in those situations and. I I I I do want to. make sure that you get as much time as.

possible. It's just hard for me to. >> talking about her. And I want you to talk about you. And. this is really hard. But what is it what happens for you when. you feel ashamed? Like I'm not I can't measure up to what. you want, so I'm going to shut down. I'm. going to stop listening to you. Um. what do you what happens to you? I do shut down. Um. uh. I guess it's it's hard sometimes to have.

that conversation and and and listen and. I just. yeah, shut down. I don't I don't Can you. act out for her. what a different approach would be for. her to say what she wants to say. but it doesn't look like the way she. approaches you. How I would want her to. >> Yeah, what would you like her to say to. you instead? Baby, do you think I can, you know, between 1 and 2.

have some me time? Well, when she's feeling like there's a. there's a contest between who gets more. me time, what would you like her to say to you. instead? Um. You know, baby, I this. I need me time to focus on myself. This. really helps me as a person and and and. just mentally and and I think it would. help our relationship more if, you know, maybe I just had an hour here to.

to meditate and listen to my Jay Shetty. podcast and. All the time. Okay. And and and so I want you to say. that to him right now. That's what he wants you to say to him. Go ahead and say it. So baby, I think I need this one to two. hours to really focus. >> Wait, I don't think he said two. >> think he said two. >> I don't think he said two. >> I'm saying three now. I think he said one and I think that was. generous. >> One is good. So I need this hour.

to focus. on myself and my mental health and it'll. make me I could, you know, listen to my. Jay Shetty podcast and. And and the question might be, is that. okay? >> Is that okay? And. what can we do. for you to have that? So I'm adding to that. >> So is that okay and what can I do. to make sure that that happens? What does that feel like to you when she. says that? Does that feel different from.

how it normally goes? A little bit, yeah. Yeah? Yeah, um. I'm also on a schedule, right? There's. there's a lot of things that I'm trying. to manage and. it when it's just like, "Hey, like I. need an hour here." And I'm just like, "Well, I want to give it to you, but I. don't. you know, I have a meeting at 9:00 and. then I have to get work done from the. next 3 hours and then I, you know, I'm. more of like on a schedule and it's it's. tough for me to. um. maybe to step away from my desk or just.

do something just randomly in the day of. like an hour of Okay. So, what you're. requesting, the two things I want you to. take away from this. One is how does the approach differ? It. helped a little bit, you said. And then. also. what are some of the um the practical. parts of this? Like, for example, when you approach me, I can't. necessarily just drop everything on a. dime. So, you're smiling because it. sounds like that's what you've asked. been asking for, right? Yeah. Yeah, okay. So, you can understand that that.

he's trying and he wants you to have me. time and he needs some me time, but. what's not been taken to account is he. can't just do it spontaneously like. that. So, can you find a way to so that he. doesn't then argue back, "Well, I can't. and this and that." And then you feel. shut down and then he feels shut down. and then it's like we didn't even do. this interaction. So, you're going to ask differently. and you're going to make sure that you. ask maybe the night before. Like, "Hey,

here's what I'm thinking. Does this work?". And I want you guys to see what that. would be like. And I want you to see. what happens when it's a request and not. a demand. Because when you acted it out, it was a. demand. When you did what he said might. work better and were slightly better, um. that was a request. So, here's one. example. Normally, people have very. different ideas about things and it. really helps them. These two have. exactly the same issue. Um so, this exercise was a little bit. different, but I hope these two. takeaways are going to be helpful.

So, I'm acting. >> All right, thank you guys for coming up. How do you guys think they did? >> Very, very, very brave to come and do. that in front of 2,500 people. >> Yes. Uh. it takes a lot. And as you can see, I. love what Lori was doing because. it really shows us, like we don't get to. sit inside of these exercises. We only. get to sit inside of our own. And when. you're inside someone else's.

therapy exercise, you start to recognize. just how we don't have the emotional. vocabulary, we don't have the communication skills, and it's not our fault. It's because no. one's ever taught us them. And so, a lot. of us are learning. And so, having that. bit of grace. when we're with our partners to. recognize. that. we can't expect people to have these. emotional skills. We often expect. people, Lori, to just get us. Yeah.

>> Right? We expect our partners to just. get us. Like, it's common sense. You. should get it. And we don't. Well, it it's so. interesting because we we believe that. that's that's the true test of love. Like, do you just get me? And it's it's. interesting because you think when we're. babies, we don't have words. And the. only way that we can communicate is by. crying. And the parents are dancing. around, like, oh my gosh, is is the are. you hungry? Are you cold? Are you hot? Are you tired? Do you need a diaper. change? Right? We don't know what it. means. But then we grow up and we expect. our partner to like solve the problem in.

the same way. Except now we do have. words. And we can use those words. But. our first loving experience was all. about how much was my parent or. caregiver, whoever, able to guess, like. we want our partners to do, what I. needed in that moment. >> Wow. Wow. And Wow. And now And now what we. have instead is So, then we have words. and we can say, "Hey, I'm hot. I'm cold. I'm hungry. I'm thirsty. I'm tired.". Right? And we learn how to do that.

Somehow with our partners, we think, "I. don't need to tell them that. They. should just know." Because it's our. early experience of loving. It's our. earliest is of being loved. And so now. what we have instead is we need to learn. the operating instructions of our. partner. So everybody comes with, you. know, their history, the things that. work well with them, don't push this. button, do push this button more, right? With our partners, we all know that. about our partners, but then we think, "Well, they should just guess." Why.

don't you just tell them so you can get. what you want? Right? Why do we make it so hard on our. partner? Just tell them, "These are my. operating instructions. What are yours?". I want to give a big shout out to Nico. and Stephanie for having the courage to. do that. And I want to take it out to. all of you. I want to take some of your. questions. Me and Lori are both here. We'd love to answer your questions. Paige, where are you, Paige? There you. are. Paige from my team Give Paige a.

round of applause, everyone, please. Uh. Paige from my team is going to come. around and uh hand you the mic if you. have a question. So raise your hand if. you have a question, and Paige will come. and find you. Hi. Hello. What's your name? >> I'm Priya. >> Priya, nice to meet you. What's your. question? My question is more of a scenario. Um. if you were going somewhere with your. partner, and let's say you had a. disagreement, and there was something. that really bothered you, what's the. best way to handle that situation so.

that you're happy and your partner's. happy? And do you speak when you're. upset, or do you wait? And how should. you communicate that? What's the best. way to communicate that? I feel like. when we something happens, we feel like. we have to resolve this right now. And if we don't resolve it right now, it's going to live with us all night, and it's going to ruin our time. But you're so worked up about it that. you haven't thought about it, you.

haven't processed it, you aren't giving. the other person grace at this moment. So, that is not the time to try to. resolve it. What you need in that moment. is to say to each other, "Hey, we really. care about each other. We're having this. disagreement. We know we are confident.". And you have to have confidence that we. know how to resolve things. We're going. to resolve this later. Let's go have a. good time.". And people think, "I can't do that. because I'm going to be thinking about.

it the whole time." Well, that's your. choice, but I want to say it's a choice. It is a very volitional choice. People say, "I can't help what I think. about." Yes, you can. So, a lot of times in relationships, you. have lots of choices that you can make. You choose not to make them. Yeah, well said. And And Preity, I'd say. that. you know, for me, there's two things. that come to mind. One thing is what. Lori's saying, this idea that sometimes. I'll get some friends call me in a. panic. Like, "Jay, I got an issue." And.

I And maybe I'm on stage when I'm. getting it, and I'll be like, "Call me. back in 3 days.". And And the reason why I say that. sometimes is because unless it's life or. death, usually in 3 days when I message. them and go, "Hey, what about that. issue?" They're like, "Nah, it's all. right now." Yeah. >> Like, you know, it was just this panic. moment. And so, I think there is. something to be said for that. For me. and Rani, I talk a lot about in my book. "Eight Rules of Love" that I wrote, I. talk a lot about fight styles. And I. realized, it took me a while to realize. that me and Rani had different fight.

styles. So, my fight style is the. venter, the talker, the fixer. Like, I. want to fix it now. So, if I'm on that. date, I want to fix it right now. And. Rani's is the hider. She wants to think. about it, reflect, introspect, and have. time. So, I want to talk about it right. now. She wants to talk about it in 3. days. And what we had to realize was, like. Lori said, have the confidence to say, "Okay, we're going to meet in the. middle. We'll talk about it tomorrow.". Right? We're going to go out and have. that great time. We're going to meet in. the middle. I want to talk about it now. You need 3 days to process. In 1 and 1/2.

days, we'll take a look at it. Because. right now, it's not worth our time. You're not even ready. And actually, even though I want to fix it now, I. actually don't know enough to do that. And so, recognizing the different ways. in which you approach conflict, because. what I used to think before is, "Well, if you want to talk about it in 3 days, that means you don't care as much as I. do." Which isn't true. She's actually. saying, "Well, the fact you want to talk. about it now means you don't care as. much as I do, because I want time to. think about it." So, you've got to build. up that understanding of the way you.

both respond to conflict, and taking. Lori's advice, recognize that now's not. the time or the place, and we're. probably going to be in a better mindset. if we let this go and deal with it at a. proper time and place. So, I love Lori's. advice. Right. And also, you have to. realize that the connection is not. severed. Just because you have a. disagreement doesn't mean that the. connection has been damaged in any way. People are going to have disagreements. all the time. And it's kind of like when. you start a new exercise and you start. building up muscle, you need to build up.

the muscle of we know how to resolve. differences between us. And so, the more. you do it, so the first time it might be. a little shaky, the second time it still. might be a little shaky, but every time. you learn something new about how we. resolve differences together. And then, when you resolve differences all the. time, it's like, "Oh yeah, we had a. difference. We're going to still have a. good night cuz our connection is strong. We're confident we can resolve it. later.". Thanks, Frea. I hope that helps. Thank. you so much for your question.

Hey, man. What's your name? >> Hey, Jay. I'm Snehal. Snehal, nice to. meet you. >> My my wife's not here today, but I came. with my sister. But, um Then you can. tell us everything. Exactly. She She's. not here, so it's. Forget it. No, but my question is like. sometimes, you know, we. we don't communicate. Like we're just. sitting there. I'm I'm going to give a. scenario, but. you know, sometimes I'm really trying. hard to understand, you know, but. there's no communication.

Um. and the biggest thing that I. struggle with is, you know, the love. language is gifting, right? Like. what, you know, what to get her on her. birthday or what to get her for, you. know, a certain event. And then you. spend so much time and then you get her. something and you see the reaction on. the face and it's not always perfect. So. what what, you know, but sometimes I hit. it, right? It's like, you know, oh it. sometimes I get it and sometimes I do,

but what do you do to kind of really. understand? What is it that that other. person wants? Right? And um yeah, that's my question. I don't know my wife's probably going to. watch this. video my sister took, but uh. Yeah, yeah. Thanks for that question, Lori. So this. goes back to the mind reading that we. were talking about that people think. somehow, you know, if you loved me that much, you would. know what gift I want and you would not. get it wrong. But I think there's. something so beautiful to kind of turn.

it around and kind of turn it on its. side is to say. I love you so much that it hurts me to. disappoint you. And so if you could give me a list of. like five things and I will surprise you. with the one with one of them, but at. least now I have. some idea of you want all of these. things. You will be happy with all of. them and I can show my love by getting. you exactly what you want. You won't know which one it is, so it's. still kind of a surprise. But I think.

that we we have to understand that. there's different ways to love people. and one way to love someone is to say. making you happy. is my way of loving you. So. can you help me with that? Yeah, I I I completely agree. I think. that So, so when me and Roddy first. started dating, my love language was. gifts. As in, I like receiving gifts. But, I like surprises. And this all goes. back to childhood. My mom, we didn't. have a lot growing up, but my mom would.

surprise me with the one gift I always. wanted on my birthday. Right? And it could be the smallest. thing, but I remember it so well. So, when I first started dating Roddy, and I hadn't really thought that. through, and I wasn't aware of that, I. wanted her to surprise me with a gift. So, she kind of knew that I wanted a. tablet, right? And my birthday came around, this. tablet-sized box was there. It was. wrapped up in gift wrapping, whatever. I open it up. I take it out, it's tablet box. It's an Asus.

What the hell is an Asus? Right? And I'm mortified. I'm like I'm like, "What's an Asus?" Like I'm trying to. read it. I'm like, "Am I even reading it. right? Is it Sus or is it Asus? Is it. like" And I'm like, "Tablets are iPads, right? Like there's an iPad or there's. nothing. Like there's nothing else." And. so, I am mortified that she got me an. Asus. And I remember talking to her about. this, and then she was like But she was. like, "Yeah, but I spoke to my dad and. my brother-in-law, and you know, they.

were telling me Asus is the best deal, and the spec is really good." And I'm. like, "My mom doesn't care about what. the best deal is. I just want the best. tablet.". And and so, I've been there. I know what. that feels like. And and gifting in our. relationship was a long time. conversation. And it really did take. that, where it got to a point where I. was like, "I'm setting up the person I love for. failure. I'm literally setting them up for. failure by wanting them to guess, wanting them to get it right, wanting. them to know the perfect thing. I'm.

setting them up for failure. And guess what? No one wants to feel. like a failure in a relationship. And so when you can openly say that to. someone, to Gelb and saying, "Hey look, like what Lori was saying, like I don't. want to feel like a failure. Like. I love you. I want you to have the best. birthday ever. But I need you to help me understand. what that looks like for you and what. that means. And yes, I hope that one day. I will be able to understand because. we've talked about it so much. But. without the communication and without.

that, I just won't know. Right? I just. won't know. And so it's it's hard in. your situation because you're on the. receiving end and you're the Rothy in. the relationship. Uh but but that's where we got to in the. end. And and I realized and obviously. over time I realized how wrong I was for. my approach and my perspective on it. And it made me realize how much our. childhood, as Lori was saying earlier, has programmed us to believe what a. perfect birthday is. Now I've changed my. views on what a perfect birthday is.

because of that negative experience, because of making the person I love feel. that way. And so I hope that stays with. you to take Lori's advice, to really. communicate that, to make that point. that hey, I want you to have the best. birthday. I don't want to let you down. I I don't want to feel like a failure. I. want you to have something amazing, but. I need your help because I can't read. minds. I wish I could, but I can't and. no one else can. By the way, not even. Rothy can. And uh you know, Jay said. that, you know, he's kind of like you. So hopefully that helps, too. And I I.

think that that childhood stuff is so. important because we think, you know, if. you were someone who got everything, your mom did it perfectly, then you. think, "Well, that's what it That's what. feeling special is like. So if she. doesn't do that, then she doesn't think. I'm special." Or if you didn't get the. gifts that you wanted cuz you think, "My. parents didn't really know me. Like I. was an artist and they got me like a. baseball bat." You know, it's like, "What?" Like, "Do you even know me?" Um. that's what you Then you project that. onto your partner. It's not that your. partner doesn't know you, but you know,

the fine-tuning of it, sometimes they. need some help. Absolutely. And I. realized I did tell my mom, she was just. sneaky at finding out. Like it's not. like she knew, I would tell her. I was. like, "I want a Power Ranger.". Like it was very basic. >> sneaky, Jay. >> It was very basic. That's really sneaky. I want a Power Ranger. But it's like you. did, like they didn't read your mind, either. Like they would find out in a in. a multitude of ways. All right, next. question. I actually had to write mine. down because I thought I was going to. get nervous. Okay. So, my question is, am being.

selfish or showing narcissistic traits. for needing more time and attention in a. relationship, or is it a valid or is it. valid to simply express what I needed to. feel connected and valued? So, if you. were to ask Instagram this question, you guys all know what the answer on. Instagram is, right? No, you're not a. narcissist. You should have all the time. and attention that you need, right?

That's the Instagram answer. I have a slightly more nuanced answer. And I think that we have to really. understand that being in a relationship. is relational. That the person that you're with has. needs, too. And so, when you when they. when for them it feels too demanding, the question is, is. are they getting their needs met, too? Because usually when they think the. other person's too demanding, it means. that there's not enough room for both of.

you in the relationship. So, that's. really your guide. Like do both of you. feel like you're getting your needs met? Do both of you feel like there's enough. room there? So, it's not just a. cut-and-dry, you know, well, they should. of course all of my needs should be met. for how much time I want to spend with. them, or right? It's a conversation and. it evolves. I think it comes down to a. few things. The first thing I'd say is. are you clear about what that means?

Mhm. Like for example, if it's unclear, like I wish that person would message me. all day, call me twice a day, be there. for me every evening. You know, it's like that can be a lot. and it may not be clear. Whereas if it's. clear, like, "Hey, I just want to spend. 2 hours with you on a Saturday afternoon. and have it just be us." Right? It's. really clear, it's really specific, it's. really organized. Whereas it's like, "Hey, I just need you all the time." And. so much of this comes down to our. attachment styles and and how the other.

person makes us feel as well. I think. the challenge we have in this in your. question is we don't know enough about. the other person in the relationship. And often I've seen it that if the other. person's prioritizing a bunch of other. stuff and you don't feel prioritized and. you're not a part of the priorities in. the schedule, then that's unfair. Right? If you've had a conversation, but that's. where it comes down to having a. conversation, setting expectations. extremely clearly, being really. specific, and then looking at the.

reality of their lifestyle. Like, I meet. a lot of people who say to me, "I really. want my partner to be ambitious, but I. want them to be really available." Mhm. And I'm like, those two things just. don't go together. Like the reality is. that person doesn't exist. It's really, really hard for someone to be super. ambitious and super available because. that comes with certain give and take. I'm not saying it's not possible to have. someone who's slightly ambitious and. available. I'm saying that having both. in their most extreme form is.

unrealistic. And so I think it's really. looking at the complete person rather. than this one area of them because they. may be really great at a bunch of other. stuff and they need to improve in this. area or they're not great at any of it. and they're not good at this area. And. then you've got to really look for what. you deserve and not settle for less. And. I want to say one thing, you used the. word narcissist. It is not narcissistic. to have needs. So, a narcissist is. someone who is all about themselves. But, that doesn't mean because you have.

needs and you want to spend time with. your partner, even if those needs are. maybe more than that partner wants or. can deal with, you're not a narcissist. You're human. That's human. We want to. connect. We We have needs. Absolutely. not a narcissist, for sure. It's good to have you clarifying that. Uh we'll take one last question. I. really love you, Jay. You're a recent. Love you, too, Caitlin. I'm learning. about you. I really appreciate you. Um. it We're talking a lot about couples and.

relationships and everything that you've. talked about today. Um. how does that apply to uh couples that. are experiencing neurodivergence? Because when you're saying you know, in. the role play earlier, I was thinking, "Yeah, like an hour would be great." I'm. like, "But, if you're neurodivergent, like myself, uh it's really hard to go. from one task to another to another to. another to another." Like, it's switch. you know, task switching and executive. functioning. And so, you're talking a.

lot about uh. it just feels like. Caitlin, in this scenario, you're the. neurodivergent person or your partner. is? >> is, how do you everything that you've. all the. uh advice that you've given for couples, how would that be different or the same. for a couple that has someone with with. one person that's neurodivergent or. both? Because there My husband is also. neurodivergent. So, it's a it's a. learning curve and it's wonderful.

Uh but, it everything that you're. talking about applies differently. And so, Oh, hello. Um. so, I'm just to understand trying to. understand what that looks like. You. know, I think that we are all. neurodivergence is on a spectrum and we. are all whether we have a diagnosis or. we don't have a diagnosis. you know we're all different from each. other and whether you have a diagnosis. that makes it a little more challenging. regardless we still have to learn who.

the other person is what are some of. their strengths what are some of their. challenges what are some of our. strengths what are some of our. challenges and how do we communicate. about them and we've had you know I see. so many couples where you know someone. will say well my partner's on the. spectrum or my partner deals with this. or that and. it's the same you know there's like. specifics to a specific diagnosis but at. the same time the same kind of human.

issues around how do we communicate. about our differences what do we do with. these challenges that maybe are a little. bit more challenging because of this. person's neurodivergence but I don't I. don't I think when people kind of try to. label and get kind of stuck in because. of this this is why I'm acting this way. or this is why my partner acts this way. we lose the person behind the diagnosis. and we never ever ever want to do that. you will lose so much about the person. if you see everything through the lens. of of their neurodivergence.

Unfortunately that's all we have time. for today for the questions. I want to give it up for Lori Gottlieb. everyone. >> Please make some noise. So so grateful. Thank you Lori. This is so great. >> me you're amazing Thank you. >> Give it up for Lori everyone. >> Thank you so much thank you Hey everyone. if you loved that conversation go and. check out my episode with the world's.

leading therapist Lori Gottlieb where. she answers the biggest questions that. people ask in therapy when it comes to. love relationships heartbreak and dating. if you're trying to figure out that. space right now, you won't want to miss. this conversation. If it's a romantic. relationship, hold hands. It's really. hard to argue. It actually calms your. nervous systems. Just hold hands as. you're having the conversation. It's so. lovely.