Why You’re Struggling to Find Love (and how to change it)

What if you've been approaching dating. all wrong? Maybe you've put yourself out there, but. nothing clicks. Or you're still waiting for the right. person. Over half of singles today are. open to love, yet more than 60% feel. burned out by apps. The truth is, finding love isn't about. perfection. It's about showing up. authentically, reading the right. signals, and attracting real connection. In this episode, we're joined by body. language specialist Vanessa Van Edwards, love expert Jillian Turecki,

relationship coach Sadia Khan, and. psychotherapist Lori Gottlieb. A. masterclass on attraction, chemistry, and building relationships that last. Let's get into it. The number one health. and wellness podcast. Jay Shetty. Jay. Shetty. The one, the only Jay Shetty. Social scientist Vanessa Van Edwards. shifts our attention to the subtleties. of connection, specifically the cues we. give off in dating and attraction that.

often go unnoticed. She explains that we. think we're obvious when we're. interested, but research shows we're. not. In fact, people recognize flirting. only 28% of the time, and women often. have to send multiple signals quickly. just to be understood. Take a listen, and stay tuned for the. takeaway. Let's say you're at a workout. class. Let's say you're at a social. space. Maybe it is a rooftop bar, maybe. it is a club. >> Yes. You want to signal to someone to. make a move. You want to let them know.

that you find them attractive, that. you'd like them to do something, but you. want to be subtle. You don't want to. give it away. How do you let someone. know that they should make a move. without giving it away? Okay. I'm going to give you news you're. probably not going to like, but it's so. important. It's a phenomenon called. signal amplification bias. What this is, it's very well studied, that we tend to think we are over. obvious with our cues. So, if you're in. a a bar, they literally studied singles.

in a like bar nightclub setting. Women. and men who think they are being obvious. with their flirtation cues, the other. person has no idea. Okay? >> That's so good. >> They even counted the number of. flirtation signals. This is incredible. research. They observed singles mingling. and they counted each person's. flirtatious signals towards other people. in the room. They found in 10 minutes, how many signals do you think it took. for a woman to show a man she was.

interested? How many in 10 minutes, how. many signals did she have to send? When. it actually worked? When it when it. actually worked. Now that you've given me some sort of. I'm going to go 30. 29. >> Oh, okay, cool. >> That's it. But do you know how many. signals that is in 10 minutes? >> of signals. That is that is pretty. constant. >> you didn't tell me, I probably would. have guessed three. Right. It was only. because you gave me a sense that there. was more. I probably would have said. three, seven. That is what women think. Is it what's needed? I sent three flirty. glances and he just didn't come over. He's not interested. No, he didn't see.

him or he doubted himself or he was. like, was that a trick of my eye? It took 29 signals in 10 minutes to get. approached so the other person went, oh, she's interested. Just interested. That. was before they even the conversation. started. So, what are the flirty glances. of availability? And this is what's most. important is in the same group of. studies, they found that attractive. women, the most attractive women who are. rated on their attractiveness, got. approached less than unattractive women.

who didn't signal enough. >> Fascinating. >> So, if you're an attractive woman and. you don't signal enough, you won't be. approached. Do you have to approach more. based on how objectively attractive you. are? You have to be available more. So, what they found and this is so it's. ridiculous that we're rating on. attractiveness, but it helps us. understand that sometimes I think we use. attractiveness as an excuse. I'm not. pretty enough or I'm not this enough. No. Actually, some unattractive women. who signaled availability got approached. more. Wow. And so, availability actually. makes you more attractive.

When you think about your hair, your. outfit, how you look, how you smell, all. those things are great, but they will. not work if you do not know the body. language signals of availability. And you have to be super clear with. them. So, the very first one are. flirty glances. Are you going to Are you going to. demonstrate? >> I'm going to demo it for you. Okay, so flirty glances are Typically, they are literally the gaze patterns is. we sweep the room with our eyes, then we. see someone we like, we. Oh, yeah, nice little side glance. Yeah,

like very brief. It's a look back up. It's a look back up. >> you're looking around, but then Look. back up. Yeah. And it's a side look or a. down and up look. The down and up look. works really well because you're looking. up through your lashes. That's a very, um, think Marilyn Monroe. So, if you. want to look at a classic example of. this, every good photo of Marilyn. Monroe, she has her chin tilted down and. she's looking up through her eyes. Yes. That is a look that we just like. We. just like it. That's why we like it. So, it's glancing around the room and then. eye contact away. Eye contact away. Then.

it's little smiles. So, look and little. smile. And by the way, remember it took 29 of these. So, we got to get really comfortable. with trying. And the nice thing is. there's no pressure. If he doesn't return the glance, he. doesn't return the glance, right? So, um, eye contact, smiles. Self-touch is. also considered a flirty glance. So, like if I play with my hair or I play. with my dress, that's a a way of. signaling our hair health from a. evolutionary perspective. It's like, "Look how healthy I am, my healthy long. hair." I think it's one of the reasons. why we tend to like long hair. Women.

also, uh, when they're flirting, they'll. touch their neck, their lips, or their. chin. This actually releases pheromones. So, the reason why sometimes women will. touch their neck or touch their lips is. because they're actually trying to. release their scent. And scent is very, very important. It's important in. dating, but it's also important in. friendships. For example, it's a little. bit off the side of dating, but I just. want to explain why smell is so. important. I just read this study and I. was like, "What?" They had women wear. white t-shirts with no deodorant, no. nothing. So, just their natural smell.

for 24 hours. They took these t-shirts. and they had other women smell these. t-shirts and rate the women on if they. liked the smell. Okay, imagine you're. opening a ziploc bag and you're smelling. a shirt. Okay. I would have loved it. Okay. >> I would have loved it. Sign me up, researchers. I'm there. So, they had. them smell t-shirts and they had them. rate them on how much they liked the. smell. Then, they had all the women. interact in person. They didn't know who was who. The smell they liked the best predicted. who they liked the best in person.

>> No way. So, they actually found their. people. There is something to it. So, when you're self-touching like that, >> Yeah. it's because we're trying to. release this natural smell of like, "I'm. going to probably click with you.". Right. If you smell good. >> If you smell good. And good is is is. subjective. Like, that's why I think why. sometimes you're like, "Ah, we're just. clicking." We like like each other's. smell. So, so um being available also like. releasing pheromones, self-touch. And. then, this one is not from the research, but I'm going to really encourage you to. try it.

I think the best way to show. availability is one word. And it sounds. like this. Hey. Just that? Okay. You walk in the bathroom, you walk. to the bar, you walk by them. Hey. Just like that. Because look, and by the. way, this is for both men and women. Yeah. Okay? Because. life is too short to not hey. Yeah. Right? And if there's no pressure. If. you walk by someone in the gym, Mhm. right? And you're like, "Hey." Even if. they have their AirPods in, if they like.

you, they're going to be like, "Hey.". Right? Does it matter the tone of voice. cuz you say it like No, it matters. Yeah, it does matter. So, if you go. like, "Hey." It's not like No, that's. pretty good. >> Okay, all right. Okay, so here here I'll. do the good and bad. >> of downplay No, that was good. That. good. See, men men do good with a. downward inflection. So like that. downward inflection is good. And so if. it goes good, the guy's going to be. like, "Hey." If he did not into it, he's. going to be like, "Hey.". >> Yeah. Right. No problem. Right? Like, "Cool. Hey." Yeah. >> So it's like the most low-pressure way. when you're in the grocery store, when.

even by the way, if someone has AirPods. on them, they're still going to see you. go. and they're going to take out their. earphones and they're going to be like, "Hey." So here's the difference, right? So I am using the lowest end of my. natural tone. Mhm. This is especially. important for women, but everyone. Research finds that we decide how. confident someone is within the first. 200 milliseconds of hearing them speak. 200 milliseconds. That means the most. important word you can say really is. "Hey.". That's it. You've just signaled your.

your confidence your confidence, not. confidence. It's specifically. confidence. Okay, so what does that. mean? We are listening for relaxation. and breath in the vocal cords. So right. now I'm working really hard to use the. lowest end of my natural voice cuz I. know that people are listening and I. want to keep them relaxed. When I get nervous, I tend to go a. little higher in my vocal tone. I might. get a little bit more vocal fry and I. might sound a little bit more like this. Now, if I were to do the entire. interview in this tone of voice, it. would drive you crazy. >> Absolutely. 100%. Yeah. It's infectious. We catch it.

We don't like to be around people where. we could catch their anxiety. We don't. want to catch their anxiety. They've. even found that we match the voice. resonance of the most important person. in the room. So when they tested people, they found that they un- subconsciously. their resonance matched whoever's most. important person in the room their own. resonance. The key takeaway here is that. confidence and availability beats. attractiveness every time. People respond to signals of openness, not perfection. Mastering body language. like flirty glances, leaning in,

mirroring someone's energy can make a. huge difference in who you attract. It. just requires intentionality and. lowering the stakes so that even a. casual hey can lead to big results. Up. next, love expert Jillian Turecki. She. shares the biggest dating mistakes. people make and how to build resilience. and clarity to find real connection. She. reminds us dating isn't just about the. one, but about learning who you are. While many expect instant sparks, true.

connection often grows slowly. And with. 70% of people reporting they've been. bombed, moving too fast can sabotage. something meaningful. And above all, choosing who to share your life with is. one of the most important decisions. you'll ever make. Don't rush it. What. are the three biggest mistakes I'm. making in dating right now? Like what am. I getting wrong about dating that seems. to be the top question. So there's a few. things. One is it shouldn't just be the.

apps. I don't tell people get off the. apps. Sometimes I say get on the apps. But if you just focus on that, that's going to burn you out and it's. going to exhaust you and you're meeting. a bunch of strangers. So that's like another mistake that. people make is that they're impatient. It's not every day that you meet someone. who you want to build a relationship. with. Like it's just not that easy. But you have to get out there. You have. to be proactive. Look, there are people.

who are sitting around on their couch. waiting for like that person to fall to. the couch next to them and it's not. going to happen that way. So you can either live your life to the. fullest and enjoy your life and trust. that one day organically it may or may. not happen if you put yourself out there. and you. widen your circle. or you actually have to be proactive and. that might mean going on a like dating. like it's your business. Like going on a. bunch of dates every single week with as.

low of an expectation as possible cuz. one of the biggest mistakes that people. make in dating, like I've nothing but. compassion and empathy for this. But, you're texting with someone, you're. kind of excited, you feel like there's a. vibe, and then you go out and you're. like, "Uh, I don't feel spark or I'm not. into it." And then there's this. People then get into learned. helplessness. And when they go into. learned helplessness, they're like, you. know, it's the why me, this is never. going to happen. It's this state that I. am in is permanent. Like, I will never. find anyone. No, dating is your only an opportunity.

for you to practice your social skills. Social skills are things that most. people are not that great at. Honestly, even the people who think that they're. really great at it. It takes a lot to. really talk to someone and not interview. them and actually be curious about them. You know, a lot of people are nervous. So, practice breathing and being. comfortable in your body. and getting to know someone, and who. knows, maybe you make a friend and maybe. you never want to see that person again. But, at least you're practicing. So, the.

three biggest mistakes is. just focusing on the apps and not. actually expanding your circle and doing. new things and letting the certain. things unfold organically. Number two, impatience. Number three, just sort of. high expectations, but I want to add. another one if I can. >> Please. People get into these very long, I mean, when I say long, like weeks, texting exchanges with these people. And. it gives them a false sense of intimacy. Oh, I have this amazing connection. They. haven't even met the person. And then.

maybe they never meet. Don't do that. Text a little bit back and forth like a. day and make a date to either meet meet. on FaceTime, Zoom, or in person. You. really should go about it as if your. time is too precious to waste texting. back and forth with a stranger who. uh, may not be available. For a month. Yeah, for a month or more. And then. you're getting all excited I understand. like the thrill of it and it's all it's. exciting, but it's such a waste of time, honestly. You know, meet the person. As.

you were speaking, I was thinking about. what's at the root of that for so many. people. And one of the things that came. to me was. this fear of rejection. Yes. >> So, even the idea of I'm talking to this. person for a month is because I don't. have to potentially face meeting someone. and them never wanting to meet me again. Or the resistance that we have to make. work and dating feel the same. I know so. many people who will cancel on dates. last minute because they're scared of.

well, what if I go and it doesn't work. out? >> Mhm. Or and and rejection, by the way, is two types of rejection. One type of. rejection is that person doesn't want. me. Mhm. And the other type of rejection. is that person doesn't meet my. expectations or Yes. that person I don't. want to be with them. >> Yes. So, I'm not just saying rejection. in that we're scared of well, what if. that person doesn't like me? We're also. scared of the am I going to reject. another person? And like you said with. the high expectations. What do we do about both of those types.

of our fear of rejection? Because let's. take the the more obvious one to start. with. We all want to be loved. We want. to be liked. We all want the next person. to be the person. >> Yeah. Chances are that's not going to. happen. We know that. >> Yeah. But still we struggle with the. fact that I'm going to meet someone and. they're going to say, well, you're not. right for me or. you know, I don't don't really want to. see you again. Like how do you get over. that because we talk about it in. entrepreneurship. We talk about it in. life, but when you do it with love, it. seems so personal. It's one thing to be.

rejected by the person you love. It's. another thing to be rejected by a. stranger who you don't know. This is. just human nature. We go on dates even. if we're not into the person. We want them to be into us. Or right? >> Yes. Or like we find them let's say we. find them attractive. And then we find. out, wait, you're not into me. You don't. find me attractive. Yeah, but life. really the quality of our lives is very. much determined by how well we can. confront rejection. Like you're not.

going to be for everyone. And I really believe this with all of my. heart and soul. If someone is not into. you for whatever reason, like let's say. you're in the early dating process, they're not attracted to you, they're. not feeling a spark, whatever it is, they absolutely are not for you. I can. guarantee that. So, it's important to build that. resilience against rejection muscle. First of all, it makes a person more. attractive. Second of all, it's just part of life. And I know that it's like you're putting.

yourself out there, but I wish there was. like a magic pill that I could give. people to just get over it. But you have to become more resilient. when it comes to that. You know, you. can't be hiding up behind text and not. actually meet the person. It sounds. hard, but you have to be stronger than. that. Honestly, you really, really do. And and you have to just trust that like. you're not for everyone and not. everyone's for you. And yes, it's. awkward and maybe we can just all. acknowledge the awkwardness of it all. You know, but you still have to if you.

want love and you want a relationship, you have to go for it. You can't just be. passive. You're looking for one person. to fall in love with you and for you to. fall in love with. Yes. >> And for that, you're going to have to. meet a lot of people to find that one. person, but all you need is one person. to say yes, one person to say I do, one. person to say I love you. >> Yeah. And if you're only looking for one. person, just by the nature of odds, you. should know that that probably won't be. the next person. So, switching to that,

you said one thing about kind of going. in at the lowest baseline expectation, which I agree with because then you're. allowing it to become a friendship, you're allowing it to become a nothing. ship, you're allowing it to become what. it is, as opposed to us walking in and. going, this next person's going to be my. wife, my husband, whatever it may be, my. partner.". >> I think it's so natural for so many of. us. to want to speed up love. Yeah. >> Like speeding up love seems to be our. addiction and obsession. We're like, "I.

just want to meet the one. Now that. we're dating, I just want to get. married. Now you know, it's" We're. trying to accelerate love almost. >> So, how do we slow it down and how do we. take it back to baseline? Well, number. one is there is no other one. There really isn't. I mean, we actually. choose who the one is. And this is this. is really really important. Love, as I'm. sure you know, is a choice. Like it's a. feeling for sure, but we're so conditioned to believe that.

love is just a feeling as opposed to a. choice. And that when if you do decide. to be with someone long-term, you're going to have to make that choice. many, many times throughout your. relationship, which is I choose you, right? So, people want to rush it. And. so, what they do and what I've done is. that we lie to ourselves. And it's also. because we've been lied by society that. there is and romanticism that there is. this one person who's going to come into. your life.

and rescue you and make your life. better. And that once you find that. person, like everything becomes easier. And and I'm certainly not advocating for. people being in difficult relationships, but the more challenges you've had in. relationships, the less that you've been. modeled what it is to actually really. love someone, the more you are going to. be challenged to overcome and transcend. old things and old patterning to. actually love someone and to do love to. where where it's a verb and not just a.

feeling. So, how do we slow it down and. we just want to rush it? It's about acknowledging that feeling. So, a lot of people they meet, there's chemistry. And I know that this was me. I think if. there's chemistry, then this is it. As. opposed to, well, maybe in the past. there's been chemistry and I haven't had. chemistry with the right people. So, maybe I need to slow down a little bit. and sort of process my enthusiasm. And. it's not about I don't want anyone to I. don't want to rain on anyone's parade.

Like, all that stuff is really fun in. the beginning. But, you want to just. say, okay, hold on. What am I feeling. right now? This feels really good. This. is really exciting. But, I need to slow. down because I actually need to uncover. this person's character. I need to. uncover their values. I perhaps need to. get a little bit clearer on what it is. that I need, what it is that I value, and what it is that I really, really. want. Not just my preference, but what. do I need in order to function in a. relationship? Do I have some.

understanding of myself? You know, it's. difficult. Women childbearing age, societal pressures get married. I. understand I've nothing but compassion. for that. The more that I can stress. that who you decide to partner with. is one of the most important decisions. you will ever make in your entire life. And we are meant to kind of get it. wrong, and some of us get it wrong for a. longer time than others, right? But, it.

is the most important decision. So, if. you're going to rush that, you're really, truly doing yourself a. disservice, and you have to get. comfortable with the fact that yes, you're scared. You're scared to be. alone. You're scared to not be loved. You don't want to be in the dating. world. I get all of that. Be mindful of it. You know, connect to. that within yourself, and remind. yourself always that who you decide to. spend your life with might be one of the. most important decisions, if not the.

most important decision, because there's. no one in your life who's is to have a. bigger impact on your overall well-being. and emotional state than the person who. you choose to spend your life with. So, you've got to take that decision very. seriously and not rush it. I have often. said to friends, there's the pain of. being single. and there's the pain of being in the. wrong relationship. >> Yes. And the pain of being single is a. lot better than the pain of being in the. wrong relationship.

>> Agree 100%. Agree 100%. >> so hard when you're dating someone. and you've got enmeshed into each. other's lives. There's the toxicity, there's complexity, there's As you said. earlier, there's a disconnect in your. values. >> Yes. The person's character. You think. you just discovered it, but actually. they showed it all along and you didn't. see the signs. >> Yeah. And now you're thinking, "Gosh, I was. happier when I was single." And you. can't see that when you're single. because the promise of being in a.

relationship is so alluring and. intoxicating that we feel like I must. have that now. >> Yes. And. many of those people. might think, "Yes, it's easier when I'm. single." But they're actually afraid to. go back to it and that's why they stay. in these relationships because. we fear the unknown. >> We all want to feel better, to have more. energy and more focus throughout the. day. That's why I co-founded Juni, a. sparkling adaptogenic drink made with.

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your mood, support your focus, and give. you natural energy, all without the. crash. Get your daily mood boost with. June at Whole Foods Market, or head to. drinkjune.com. to find a store near you. The key. takeaway here is that while you're only. looking for that one person, understand. that it might not be the next person, but that doesn't mean you stop showing. up. It means you use discernment to get. clearer, stronger, and more grounded in. who you are and what needs you have.

When you do that, you're able to show up. authentically and honor what you. deserve. So often in dating, we obsess over who. we're attracting, but the real question. is, who we entertaining? The next guest. is relationship coach Sadia Khan. Nearly. 80% of daters report being ghosted at. least once, and Sadia reveals that. attraction isn't the issue. Most of us. can attract all types of people. The. problem is what we normalize. The late. night text, the dismissiveness, the.

person who never makes space for you. That's where we lose our power. Most. people I speak to feel like they keep. attracting people who are unavailable, people who don't want to commit, people. who don't have the emotional capacity. for connection. Why is it? It's not what we attract, it's what we entertain. Most people can. attract pretty much everybody. Yeah, if. we try hard enough, we can pretty much. attract everybody. But when we have low. self-esteem, we have these personal. prophecies that people are supposed to. be a bit unavailable people are supposed. to play hard to get or it's normal that.

he doesn't text back or it's normal that. he doesn't really ask me how my day is. It's normal that he only text me at. 12:00 a.m. on a Friday night. And. because they believe that that's. normalized into themselves, they start. to accept what's actually not going to. lead to a healthy relationship. The. moment they figure out not what they're. attracting but what they're. entertaining, they can take their power. back and say, "I'm actually attracting. all types of men but the ones I keep. forming an attachment to are the ones. that leave me a bit anxious and they're. ones that leave me worrying what this is. and where this is going." Instead of. being attracted to that, I start to.

learn that that is a signal that they've. got commitment issues and all it's going. to do is delay my time, delay my ability. to get married, delay my ability to, you. know, have a family and so on and so. forth. So, we can attract all types of. men but we only entertain the ones that. will enable you to start a family in a. relationship or whatever your goal is. They enable that and if they don't. enable that, try and lose attraction for. them. Why do we feel more attracted to. people who make us anxious and who are. unavailable? Why is it that we think. that they're the ones worth chasing? Firstly, if you if we have low.

self-esteem, we kind of see as that this. is supposed to happen. Nobody's supposed. to just overly adore and love us. That's. probably not going to happen. It's. normal that we get treated like this if. that's your self-esteem. But the other. thing is unavailable men, sometimes they. demonstrate the. the idea of having options and. alternatives. Their mystery makes them. seem more desirable and because of that. mystery, we assume that they've got. something interesting going on, they've. got alternatives, there's something. about them that's making them busy and. making them dismissive. When we really.

realize that it's actually they're just. emotionally mature. They're not this. special guy that's got a million things. going and his work is taking over and. he's so so busy. Actually, he's just. emotionally mature. He doesn't know how. to commit. He doesn't know how to ward. off alternatives and just focus on one. person at the time. When you realize. that it's actually a signal of emotional. immaturity than desirability, we. actually won't be so attracted to that. person who can't communicate in a. healthy way. I think you're spot on. When when I'm listening to you, I'm. thinking. if you want someone, like anyone should, who texts back within a decent amount of.

time, that's not an abnormal request. >> And nobody's that that busy. I I know. like men like "So I'm busy at work." or. "I've got this going on." or "I'm that. stressed." Completely understandable, but one text to let that let that person. know will enable them to just relax the. whole day, but you can't have the. emotional maturity or the empathy to. just send that quick text. Then that. person doesn't understand what it takes. to have a healthy relationship and. they're probably not worth your. investment. Obviously, a lot of people. these days aren't even getting that far. because they're meeting people on dating. apps. And so you're swiping away, you.

might get into a conversation with two. or three people. First of all, let's. talk about this. You're not matching. with anyone. Like no one It doesn't feel. like it's going that well. What do you. say to men and women who feel like. they've been rejected a few too many. times and they're losing that faith and. ability to feel that there is someone. out there for them? Just to be careful. on Are you actually not matching or are. you disliking who you're matching with? Sometimes what's happened is because of. social media and because of dating apps, we enter uh relationships with almost.

like a you know, a double standard or a. sense of comparison or comparing people. to our algorithms. We're saying, "Well, if he's not the dream guy or she's not. the dream girl or if he's not a. high-value man or she's not a high-value. woman." We start to look at our matches. with a level of like distaste. When. sometimes the better thing to do is look. at the people who are matching with you. and try and see are they actually that. bad? Are they some Is there something. wrong with them or am I just comparing. them to a dream idea of a partner that I. haven't actually been able to access? I. always just think the more you like the. person you are, the higher your.

self-esteem, the more you like people. who like you. The fact that the person. that I'm matching you automatically you. start to like them more because they've. matched you, because you like you and. they you they like you as well. When. you've got low self-esteem, you chase. after people that you can't access. So. my My to people is always start with who. likes you. Always start with that pool. and then home in on that pool and see if. you've got similar demographics, values, so on and so forth. But where people go. wrong is they glorify the people that. they're not matching with and wanting a. love that they've never been able to. access and then comparing who they do.

get matched with with these alternatives. that aren't really real. So, the better. thing is to focus on who does and maybe. adapt your standards to those people who. are actually invested in you. It's so. true and I feel like. what I'm thinking people are going to. say is, well, why do I have to settle? If similarity feels like settling, then. maybe your standards are too high. And. what I mean by that is I sometimes will. meet men who are in their. maybe in their 40s on their second. divorce and saying, I don't want a woman. with baggage, so I need somebody 25. years old. I don't want women with.

baggage. Or sometimes I'll meet women. who are, you know, not working and they. say, I want a man that's an entrepreneur. and got six figures. It but I always. just say, shouldn't you be looking for. someone similar to you? And if similar. to you starts to feel like you're. settling, then maybe your standards are. a bit inflated. If what you're bringing. to the table and what you're receiving, if you're asking for that, you're not. asking for too much. But if you're. asking for people to fill the gaps in. your self-worth, maybe you do need to. adapt your standards a little bit. So, ask yourself, does similarity feel like. settling? If it does, then maybe we need.

to work on ourselves to be able to. access people that we're actually. craving. Yeah, it's so much of what. you're talking about is just having. awareness and honesty. I know. >> Like there's such a need to be honest. with ourselves. >> And it's harder It's getting harder to. become honest with ourselves because we. are bombarded with advice from TikToks. and advice from, you know, people that. are giving advice about never settle, you're somebody's dream girl, or this is. a high-value woman. So, we think that if. we get anything less than what our. algorithm is suggesting, we're settling. When really, if as long as we're matched.

in terms of values and maturity and. where we see ourselves in the future, we're not truly settling. We're just. finding somebody who's compatible. I. mean, so many people on dating apps. these days, their common experience is. being ghosted. >> Mhm. And I'm sure you've heard from a. million people about feeling like, "Hey, we were having a good chat and this. person just disappeared.". >> Yeah. What would be your advice to. someone who feels like they've got. ghosted? >> I would say try and have the reasonable. expectations. Unfortunately, in the. digital world, people. see each other as disposable and there's.

very minimal investment. So, they don't. always feel like they owe somebody an. explanation. And usually when they're. ghosting, it's either they've met. alternatives or they might have just. been on the app to buy some time to heal. from a heartbreak. They're not truly. looking for a partner, they're just. looking to kind of heal some. kind of recover from some kind of stress. that they're going through as a coping. mechanism. So, if they're ghosting you, try not to take it too personal. But if. you've been dating that person and then. they ghost you, chances are they're. hiding information. Ghosters, regardless. of their reason, they're still poor.

communicators. And whatever the reason. that they have for ghosting you, the. bigger reason is they're not great at. communicating. So, try and reduce your. attraction to people who can't. communicate well. Sadia reminds us it's. not about attracting the right person, but having the self-esteem to stop. entertaining the wrong ones. If someone. leaves you anxious, that's not. chemistry, it's immaturity. If. similarity feels like settling, your. standards may be shaped by comparison. culture. And if someone ghosts you, it's.

poor communication. Reason enough to. walk away. In the end, who you choose to entertain. shapes the quality of your. relationships. Build your self-esteem, use your agency, and invest in those who truly value you. Finally, therapist and author Lori. Gottlieb shows us how to face the. hardest moments in dating, speaking your. truth, knowing when to stay, and having. the courage to leave. Being honest about. what you want isn't needy, it's brave. Yet, 60% of people admit staying in.

relationships longer than they should, while only 6% leave too soon. Avoiding. honesty isn't kindness, it's avoidance. The key to transformation in love isn't. fixing someone else, it's growing. yourself. Lots of people will say, "Oh, you know, I know I think my other person. that I'm dating is also dating other. people. I would like to not date other. people, but I'm afraid that I'll appear. too needy too early, right?" As opposed. to just being honest about what you. want. They can say yes or no.

But to be clear about, "Look, we're. we're dating. I don't feel comfortable. with I I can't really feel like I can. get close to you if I know that you're. dating other people at this point cuz. we're spending a lot of time together. So, how do you feel about this? Are you. ready to be in an exclusive. relationship? Is that of interest to. you?" If they say no, wow, great. You've. learned a lot. Um you can make a choice. like, "I'm comfortable doing this for. another month." Or "I'm not." Or, you. know, whatever it is. Um or they can. say, "Oh, I didn't know that that was.

important to you and I would like that, too. Let's do that." Or "I'm not ready. to do that." So, people do this in all. kinds of situations. It's not just about. marriage. They're so afraid to just. bring their true selves into the kind of. relationship where the the whole game. here is bringing your true self to it. So, if you can't practice that at any. point in the relationship, you're not. ready to be together for the long term. You can't just say, "Oh, now that we're. engaged, now I can bring my true self.". Well, that's a recipe for a disaster. because now it's like you've.

misrepresented what you actually want. and need in a relationship and maybe the. other person has misinterpreted what you. want and need because you haven't. expressed it. But we're so it's I'm. fully with you. I just find that we're. so it's so hardwired in us. Like we're. so scared of rejection. How do you feel. about. those shows? And yes, they're. entertaining and yes, we love to get. into all the. gossip and what's going on and. everything. How is that affecting our. views and our own relationships? Yeah, I. haven't actually seen those shows, but.

many of my therapy clients talk about. them. You know, finding love is just. such a. important pillar of human happiness and. connection that. it breaks my heart when when I see that. we're tripping ourselves up. Yeah. And. when I asked my community what was one. of the things that they think trips them. up, it was this idea that they have now. coined future tripping. This idea of. planning the future in their head, visioning a future with this person when. things are looking okay or good in their. head, they're you know, in the most.

extreme cases imagining their wedding. day or what their kids might look like, but even in the immediate sense, like. this could be it. This is amazing. This. is going to last. And then all of a. sudden they get a reality check where. that person is not really mirroring that. back. >> Mhm. How do we stop ourselves from. future tripping? Or is there a healthy. way of future tripping with the person? Is there a collective collaborative. future tripping? Like what what does. that look like? >> I think the future tripping is being in. the present. And what I mean is what's. happening now is what it's going to look.

like in the future. So, instead of. imagining, oh, this person will change. in this way, or this this we're going to. have this kind of life, but you don't. know if the other person wants that kind. of life. If you're not talking about it. now in the present, you don't know. How. did the How does this person treat me. now? What is it like when we're. together? The biggest indicator would be. we had a disagreement, how did we get. through it? That's what your future is. going to look like. We didn't agree on. this. We were frustrated with each. other. We had a difference of opinion.

How did we repair that rupture? We talk. a lot about rupture and repair. Everybody's going to have ruptures. You. have it with your family members, with. your friends, with your co-workers, with. your parents, with your children, especially with your romantic partners, because we have this misguided notion. that we shouldn't have a rupture with. them, because we're so in love and we. see each other and we see eye to eye. But of course you're going to have. ruptures. It's not so much whether. you're going to have a rupture, it's. what do you do with it and what does it. look like? So, if you have been dating.

for, let's say, 6 months and you haven't. had a rupture, you guys are not going. deep enough. You guys don't know each. other well enough. You're still on your. best behavior. You have to be able to be. yourselves. That's going to tell you. what the future looks like. So, stop the. pretending, be yourself, be what you. want your future to look like, act like. you want your future to look like, see. how the other person acts, and see what. happens between the two of you. And a. repair would look like something like, "Oh, I didn't you know, we're having a. disagreement right now. Why don't we.

take 15 minutes and let's come back when. we're not so heated and let's talk about. that." Or you know you made a mistake. Um you know what? I've been thinking. about this. You know, say you have an. argument, you say we're not going to. talk for a few minutes, let's go cool. off, whatever. Um you call them back and. you say, "You know what? I thought about. it. I was wrong. And I'm so sorry. Here's what I did and I wish I had done. it this way.". And that's great if your partner can do.

that or if you can do that, right? And. then if your partner then can accept. that without shaming you. If your. partner can say, "I really appreciate. that and I wish that I had reacted. differently in this way. And how can I be more supportive in. those moments?". That's beautiful. That's your future. But you have to see it in the present. You can't imagine what the future's. going to be. You have to actually live. it in the present and say, "Oh, now I. know it's going to be just like it is. right now.". Yeah, and and like you're saying, like.

if you are making plans in your head, but you're uncomfortable to talk about. those plans, then they only exist in. your head. Like they aren't real. They. aren't they aren't going there. The. takeaway: Your needs in dating are. valid. Your truth is enough and your. growth will either deepen the connection. or free you for something better. Dating. isn't just about swiping or waiting for. luck. It's about presence, clarity, and. self-worth. Here's what we heard today that I want. you to remember. You can't attract the. right person until you get to know.

yourself. You can't receive what you. want until you learn to ask for it. You. will attract what you're willing to. entertain. And real chemistry comes from honesty, openness, and courage. Whether you're just putting yourself. back out there or actively dating, remember, love isn't found, it's. created. And you're worthy of creating. it. If you love this episode, you're. going to love my conversation with. Matthew Hussey on how to get over your. ex and find true love in your. relationships. People should be.

compassionate to themselves, but extend. that compassion to your future self, because truly extending your compassion. to your future self is doing something. that gives him or her a shot at a happy. and a peaceful life.